April 1, 2025 • 39 mins
Perfectionism isn't really about being perfect—it's a shield we create to protect our wounded hearts. When we obsessively clean our homes or micromanage our children's lives, we're not striving for excellence; we're desperately trying to avoid the discomfort of judgment, criticism, and vulnerability.
In this soul-stirring conversation between host Carrie and Reverend Rachel Harrison, we journey through the complex landscape of conscious parenting, spiritual growth, and what Rachel calls "soul recovery." As a metaphysical minister who raised two neurodiverse sons through addiction and recovery, Rachel offers profound insights that transcend typical parenting advice.
"Our children are not ours," Rachel reminds us. "They come through us to have their own experience." This simple truth revolutionizes how we approach parenting, especially when raising highly sensitive or neurodiverse children. When we stop seeing our children as extensions of ourselves—as projects to perfect—we create space for their authentic souls to flourish.
The conversation weaves through Rachel's personal journey of alcoholism and recovery, revealing how her own healing transformed her family. Her now-adult sons have emerged from challenging childhoods with remarkable self-awareness, demonstrating that our parenting "mistakes" often serve deeper purposes in our children's development. As Rachel's son told her: "If I hadn't had all that stuff when I was younger, I wouldn't have the mindset to know how lucky I am."
For parents currently in the trenches with young children, this episode offers liberation from the crushing weight of perfectionism. You don't need to control everything. You're not responsible for everyone's happiness. And most importantly—give yourself a break. There is no perfect way to parent, only the beautiful, messy journey of souls growing together.
Ready to recover your soul from the grip of perfectionism and codependence? Listen now, and discover how releasing control might be the greatest gift you give yourself and your children.
Connect with Rachel Harrison:
*Website: https://www.recoveryoursoul.net/podcast
*Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/recoveryoursoulpodcast/
*Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/recoveryoursoul.net/
New! Conscious Family Travels Channel on YouTube with Carrie:
https://www.youtube.com/@consciousfamilytravels
Connect with Carrie:
*Website: https://hearttoheartlife.com/
*Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespiritualparent
*YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheSpiritualParent
*Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/people/The-Spiritual-Parent/61554482625081
*Email: info@hearttoheartlife.com
**Please remember that the information shared on this podcast is educational in nature and does not constitute licensed mental health advice. If you need such advice, you should speak with a licensed professional about your unique situation. Thanks so much happy listeners.
© 2024 Heart to Heart Life LLC
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Rachel Harrison (00:00):
Yeah, perfectionism is actually a
protection of your ownwoundedness.
So if you think about why doyou want it to be perfect?
We want it to be perfectbecause we're trying to keep
ourselves from beinguncomfortable.
So it comes back to thatdiscomfort.
If I have my house perfect,then someone won't come in and
(00:22):
snide me for having a messykitchen.
It's this gentleness toourselves.
I think the key in what I callsoul recovery is this, always
coming back to yourself, andthis gentleness to yourself,
because these protectors andthis is part of the language
from internal family systems andgestalt therapy, which is we
(00:44):
have these parts of ourselvesthat have pain, and then there
are protectors that come and tryto figure out how to keep us to
never feel those difficultfeelings again.
This is how the psyche works.
Perfectionism is a protector.
If I do it just right, I'll beaccepted.
If I do it just right, I won'tbe challenged.
If I do it just right, everyonewill be okay.
(01:04):
If I do it just right, I won'tbe challenged.
If I do it just right, everyonewill be okay.
If they're okay, then I'm okay.
It's constantly coming back tous trying to regulate our own
pain.
Hi, conscious.
Carrie Lingenfelter (01:15):
Parents, it's Keri here, and I am here
with a little info about raisingour mindful kids.
I've got some tips and tricksabout breaking free of the box
and becoming who you are andteaching your kids how to do
that along the way.
Join us, hi there, happylisteners.
It's Keri here and I'm soexcited.
I have a new project calledConscious Family Travels on
(01:36):
YouTube.
It's all about mindfullytraveling with our highly
sensitive kids.
We love to give tips and toolsabout how you can pack, how you
can prepare Traveling withdietary restrictions.
That's a huge piece of thepuzzle that we have in our house
.
We love to share in-depthguides of certain areas that we
are traveling to, as well assome of the actual items that we
(01:58):
use along our journey.
So join us on this ConsciousFamily Travels journey.
Hi there and welcome back.
It's Keri, your friendly,intuitive mama, here, and I am
so excited.
I have a guest who I haveconnected with in the real world
, which is unusual, I feel like,in this podcasting world.
So I'm really excited to haveReverend Rachel Harrison here
(02:21):
today.
She's an inspirationalspiritual coach and she's the
host of Recover your Soulpodcast.
She works to help othersseeking positive change and she
has this gift of I was justtelling her she has this gift of
spreading messages that reallyhelps people to connect with
themselves and helps people togrow in a spiritual way.
(02:41):
It also helps you to seek outmore spirituality in your life.
So, rachel, I'm so excited tohave you here today.
Rachel Harrison (02:48):
Thank you, Keri .
I'm super excited to be heretoday.
I just love everything that wehave to talk about.
It's everything that I thinkabout.
Carrie Lingenfelter (02:57):
Yes, I love it, and you raised your own
spiritually seeking neurodiverseI guess if I can share
neurodiverse kiddos and havebeen down this path.
So you've been here in my shoesa few years back and so I love
hearing your insight and I wasreally drawn today to talk about
(03:17):
the spiritual journey as aparent, the spiritual journey as
a woman and as a mom, and I'vereally been driven towards
seeing some of these challengesas opportunities for healing and
growth and spiritual connection.
So I wanted to ask you you workwith so many people that face
challenges in their lives.
(03:37):
It's part of what you do inyour program and on your podcast
and what are your thoughts onwhen we dive into our mindsets
and using these challenges togrow?
Rachel Harrison (03:49):
Yeah, that's a big question.
I you say I raised my kids inthe same as you.
But, man, if I had just half atthe age that my kids when your
kids the way that you are now,if I had that, I think there's
this interesting piece thatwe're all on the journey that
we're on, that the journey thatwe're on and the fascinating
(04:12):
piece is I was raised Buddhistand I was raised in this really
beautiful spiritual environmentand I still went down a road of
addiction and dysfunction andcontrol and fear and unhealthy,
dysfunctional family and havecome out the other side.
It's been seven years since Iput down alcohol for myself and
(04:34):
stepped into this journey and mykids are 28 and 25 years old.
They had us mostly addicted,mostly addicted, and so I think
one of the things to reallythink about in terms of us on
our own spiritual journey isthat it's complicated for
(04:55):
everyone, that there is no exactway, and that you know what I
was thinking about, that Iwanted to share with your
audience and your community.
You know what I was thinkingabout, that I wanted to share
with your audience and yourcommunity is your parents are in
it?
Yeah, they are in it, and Iremember when I was in it and
how overwhelmed I was and howmuch I wanted to do it perfect
(05:16):
and how afraid I was.
My kids were born in a timewhere they got diagnosed with
ADHD in elementary school andnothing changed.
They weren't treated anydifferent.
As a matter of fact, my oldestson, who ended up having the
most quote unquote problem,started getting suspended and
pulled out of school for gettingin trouble and everything that.
(05:38):
Nowadays they look at a kid andthey go, oh, maybe this kiddo
needs some extra attention.
Go, oh, maybe this kiddo needssome extra attention.
He just got highlighted as beinga problem, and so, of course,
my job was to fix and change andtry to save and I just think
about how complicated it is andultimately, soul recovery, which
(05:59):
is what's come to me over thelast years is recover your soul.
It's about recovering your souland understanding that whatever
we go through, it is okay, notonly for ourselves but for our
kids too, and through that wecome out the other side and
(06:20):
we'll talk about a millionthings and this will go in a
million directions, but my kidsare both sober right now and
they're both self-supportingthrough their own contributions,
and they're both doing thingsin their lives that are passions
that they found when they wereyounger that I could have never
imagined.
So this process of us as women,we generally think that we are
(06:43):
responsible for everyone in ourfamily's happiness and
well-being, and it's a loadthat's really too heavy to carry
and through that we can moveinto some unhealthy behaviors,
which is what happened to me.
I didn't want anyone to beuncomfortable.
I needed you to be okay, for meto be okay.
If I had an unhappy child, I wasan unhappy mom and those
(07:08):
experiences are normal.
So it's really about givingourselves a lot of grace, I
think, and through that we'relearning, and they're watching
us learn, and that circle of usalways coming back to ourselves
actually teaches them to comeback to themselves.
(07:28):
So that's a wild story of myexperience, but really grounding
into yourself, I think, isreally what I've learned through
all of it.
Okay.
Carrie Lingenfelter (07:41):
So grounding into yourself.
I'm trying to think what thatmight look like for a person
like, say, for myself I have asix-year-old daughter and a
nine-year-old son, and sometimesit just feels so overwhelming
in intensity in our house.
What do you suggest for a momlike me going through this and
(08:05):
feeling is it going to getbetter?
Did I choose this journey wrong?
What should I do?
What do you say to moms thatare in it, that are in it thick
like that?
Rachel Harrison (08:16):
I think it actually comes back to that
piece that says we'reresponsible for everybody else's
wellbeing.
Ultimately, recover your soulis recovery from codependence.
And it's fascinating how, whenI look at the depths of despair
that I would go through intrying to make sure everyone was
happy, if I had just recognizedthat sometimes people are
(08:37):
unhappy, sometimes kids don'tfeel good, sometimes they get
their feelings hurt, andactually the success that I
think that we had in our lives,which is so interesting to look
at now, was because there was somuch like chaos, in a way that
was uncontrollable chaos.
(08:57):
I couldn't keep everybody frombeing uncomfortable, and you
know what they learned?
They learned how to beuncomfortable.
Yeah, they learned how tomaneuver through that, and my
greatest effort to keepeverybody from harm or from hurt
didn't keep them from harm orhurt, and the more that I
(09:21):
learned how to just witness itfor them instead of fix it for
them, how to empower theminstead of tell them that they
couldn't.
Every time you see a kid andyou try to do it for them, what
you're really saying to them isI don't think you can do this
for yourself, yeah, and when wesay you've got this, you can
(09:41):
make it.
I know that I believe in you.
What are you going to do aboutit?
When we say you've got this,you can make it.
I know that I believe in you.
What are you going to do aboutit?
Even though I was messing up inso many other ways, I was
successful in those ways.
Both my kids tell me that allthe time Bodie I have.
So my two sons are Alex andBodie, and Bodie's 25 right now.
And he called on the phone theother day and he was talking
(10:05):
about how we had this truckpayment issue and it was a lot
of money, right, like this hugeamount of money and I'm thinking
I'm supposed to fix it, and hejust said he goes.
No, I, actually I've got it.
He said you taught me somethingthat I've used in my life.
He said you taught me, becauseI had ADHD, to be kind and
patient and to always ask forhelp, and patient and to always
(10:28):
ask for help.
And he said I've used that somuch because people will be much
more tolerant of my ADHD if I'm, if I'm being kind, if I'm
asking for help.
And so he went to the whatever,the lone people and we're being
kind instead of aggressive, andthey reversed all the stuff and
he's this is one of thegreatest gifts that you gave me
was to really notice that how Ishow up is how other people are
(10:50):
going to show up.
For me, part of this allowingthem to process even at 25, I'm
thinking, oh, how am I going tofix this truck payment situation
for him?
But just to be gentle, thatgrounding really comes back to
minding ourselves and checkingin with ourself and touching in
that feeling, because feelingsare everything.
(11:10):
Feelings teach us something andwe're trying to manipulate the
feelings of others and at thesame time, we're manipulating
the feelings of ourselves, whentruly a feeling is the GPS that
says if this doesn't feel good,it's telling you something, and
if it feels good, it's tellingyou something else.
So when we allow our kids totrust that, because we are
(11:33):
trusting it, because we'restepping into how we feel with
ourselves, and then I do a lotof self-talk, just really being
inside of my own head and saying, ooh, that feels a little bit
uncomfortable right there.
That's okay, they've got this.
You can let them beuncomfortable, you can let them
(11:56):
deal with this very stickysituation, whatever it is, and
then it's interesting how itjust soothes away whatever it is
, and then it's interesting howit just soothes away and over
time I've learned to be okayeven if my children aren't okay,
even if my husband isn't okay,and then that, as the mother, as
(12:22):
the wife of the family, is oneof our greatest lessons.
Can we move into a spiritualspace that says Spirit is indeed
caring for everyone here,caring for me, caring for them,
and as I became a metaphysicalminister over the last years,
these teachings that had alwaysbeen within me, but that had
(12:44):
been lost in my desire tocontrol and fix everything,
really allowed me to release andlet them all be on their own
journeys, instead of thinkingthat I personally was in charge
of everybody's life.
Carrie Lingenfelter (13:07):
Yeah, Wow, that's such a beautiful way to
describe all of it and as you'retelling the story of your kids
calling you and asking justtelling you stories, it makes me
think of even as a 41 year oldmom.
When I call my mom to tell herlike oh, it's been.
I'm battling insurances andtrying to get this OT covered or
whatever, and she's have youtried this, have you tried that?
And she's trying to fix it.
No, I know how to fix this.
I'm just working through thefrustration.
(13:28):
I just need you to hear me.
You don't have to fix it.
I'm an adult.
I'm an adult raising littlekids now, Like I, you don't need
to fix it for me.
Rachel Harrison (13:36):
So I love that and the little kids are the same
Ultimately, what I think is sopowerful when we look out like
bigger right.
So the more that I do thespiritual work, the more I'm
having this expansive vision.
And if I thought that I was incharge of everybody, right, one
(13:59):
of the reasons why I thought Iwas in charge of everybody right
, one of the reasons why Ithought I was in charge of
everybody was I was rewarded asa little girl for being a
problem solver, because I hadparents who allowed me to be my
own problem solver, and so it'sinteresting that they gave me
that breath to understand myself, to figure it out for myself.
(14:20):
And we all come out ofchildhood with something Nobody
escapes childhood without stuff,right?
And so here's on one hand, myparents did this great job of
giving me this independence, butthen I also got such reward for
being good and figuring it allout.
My belief system became thatthat's my job and that I must
(14:42):
know best for everyone, right?
And then I stepped into thatrole in my family and they all
were not on the same page of howthat was going to go.
And this is our journey.
This is the beautiful piece ofus giving ourselves grace and
giving the family members graceand giving our kids grace.
We are all souls that came hereto have our own unique
(15:06):
experience.
Our children are not ours.
Our children come through us tohave their own experience.
And yet we want to have thatconnection so that when you call
your mom, she's your momforever, and what you just
really want is someone who knowsyou and loves you, to hear you.
And yet all of the conflictthat ends up happening is this
(15:30):
who's right?
Who has all the answers?
And we all have our own answerswithin ourselves, even as
children.
Yeah.
Carrie Lingenfelter (15:39):
Yeah, yeah, I love that and I love the way
you did that self-reflection foryourself.
I was hearing so many similarthings for me as a child and as
a mom and trying to control, andI think part of my spiritual
journey myself has been lookingat what am I trying to control?
Why am I trying so hard tocontrol my kid's environment, to
(16:02):
control my kids?
I used to try to control myhusband when I first met him and
he was like no you are not mymom, do not treat me.
I'm like, oh yeah, you're right,I am not your mom.
What am I doing?
And looking at what in me feelsthis need to control everything
, and I realize highly sensitivemom right here, highly
sensitive person, and it'sreally intense feelings for me
(16:26):
when they're dysregulated orhaving a meltdown or having
something that's going on intheir lives that I want to fix
for them.
But the kids they don't wantyou to fix it for them.
It's learning.
What is the root cause of thosefeelings that I'm having as a
mom?
How can I heal that for myselfso I can stop putting that onto
my kids?
And, as you said, it's likethat facilitator role helping to
(16:51):
facilitate life for our kids,helping them to shine and learn
and grow in their own way,instead of controlling it for
them and letting them beuncomfortable is huge.
That's really hard for asensitive mom, an empathic mom.
Watching them in pain, watchingthem in emotional pain,
(17:15):
physical pain, any type of pain,right, that, just that is hard
on our hearts.
Yeah, I think I've.
I've been hearing it sostrongly from the universe about
these kids coming in with thesesuperpowers I like to term it
as superpowers and I'm reallyworking to help people, to raise
our kids, allowing them to beempowered and have those
(17:35):
superpowers, while also learninghow to be uncomfortable in the
world, because when they arecoming in so sensitive, it can
be so easy for them to put theselayers of protection around
themselves as they're growinginto adults, when they're so
sensitive.
Do you have any ideas?
Rachel Harrison (17:51):
I have.
So my oldest son is a highlysensitive, which I didn't know
at the time.
Again, he's only 28 and alreadythere's been so much more
advancements in how we see kids.
But I can see now.
You would say one thing to himand it was like a stab in the
heart.
You'd say the same thing toBodhi and Bodhi's let's go play.
(18:13):
Like he didn't care.
And there really is thismovement the more you get into
some pretty far out spiritualstuff which is becoming less and
less far out.
The concept is that childrenare coming in with a higher
level of consciousness alreadyand that higher consciousness
makes it so that when they stepinto their bodies they're
(18:35):
already uncomfortable, becauseit's very difficult here on
Earth.
This is considered earth schooland again, take what you want
and leave the rest.
But when you look at our soulscoming in to have an experience
and these higher consciousnessbeings and souls are coming in
to help earth, to help humankind, to bring love, to bring light
(19:01):
and we don't learn withoutadversity there has to be
agitation.
And if we cloister our kids somuch and protect them, we're
actually encouraging them tobuild the walls and the
protections which will end upkeeping them from their full
life.
In the end we want to give themthe strength to know that they
(19:23):
can handle anything.
Now there's this you have tolearn how to be in the world.
There's always this pendulumswing in parenting.
Right From my husband's parentsgot the belt out, which to me,
even if Rich ever said the belt,I like freaked out and I was
like there's none of that inthis house and there never was.
(19:47):
For him he said that was normaland in my family there was no
need for any kind of disciplinebecause I just was good.
I was just good Carrie'sraising her hand, and then it
swings to being way toopermissive and then it's so,
this piece of us that were ashuman beings, we're just trying
(20:08):
to find the medium.
But if you begin to reallytrust that your job is actually
just to live in yourconsciousness and your being in
your strength, you're actuallygiving the kids exactly what
they need to learn, becausethey're watching you.
Now, on the hard side, I was analcoholic and so what did my
(20:32):
kids learn?
How to learn, how to deal withtheir discomfort.
They learned that checking outwas the way to deal with it.
And for my husband's genetics,they have addictive genes and
there's so much sadness in mesometimes that what I taught
them even though I had thiswhole unbridled love,
unconditional love, all thesebeautiful teachings that I was
(20:54):
giving them I was also teachingthem that the way to check out
from feeling uncomfortable wasto drink.
And they both started usingdrugs at 13 years old and that
was what they were taught.
And then we put all the energythat said, oh, this one in
(21:16):
particular, our oldest one, hehas the problem.
It doesn't matter whether youhave a kid who's got ADHD or
addiction or whatever.
When we label them as a problem, we're denying them their
experience.
And the more that I look now,the more I can see that he was
modeling the only way that heknew how to deal with
(21:38):
uncomfortable feelings, notfeeling comfortable in his skin,
not knowing how to relate.
He was getting in so muchtrouble at school and thank God,
I got sober and I've modeledfor them a healthier way of
being.
Now they're both sober too, notbecause I forced them to, but
(22:03):
because they're recognizing theywant that in their life.
That 28-year-old found his way.
He found his way.
Part of that is because Istopped thinking it was my job
to make that happen for him.
I started seeing him for thisbeautiful soul, this superpower,
this already higherconsciousness, enlightened,
(22:26):
being that they both were whenthey came in.
And when we stop seeing anybodyin our lives our children, our
spouses as broken or as wrong,and we just start seeing the
complexity of what it is to behuman being, I think we can give
(22:48):
ourselves a break, as a parentthat says so daughter was having
a stomach ache this morning.
Alex had horrendous physicalsymptoms of the feelings that he
was having, but we didn't knowhow to handle it, instead of
(23:09):
saying, oh yeah, that must bereally.
There must be a lot of feelingsgoing on inside when it comes
in your stomach.
Yeah, that's.
I feel that.
Feel that then they've got togo to school and have a stomach
ache, they've got what they cando.
And the more that I do thesespiritual studies and recognize
(23:32):
the value of giving everyone thespace to have their experience,
the more that I'm watching thepeople in my family thrive,
every single one of them, allthese people that I was trying
to herd like wild cats, right,and they're each just becoming
their own unique people.
Now, do my kids look like whatI thought they were going to
(23:53):
look like in the lives we'regoing to look like?
Not at all, not at all, not atall.
But I love them for who theyare.
Alex is all tattooed up andlives in California and is an
artist.
He never paid attention toschool.
He always drew and now he's afull-time artist.
(24:19):
And now he's a full-time artist.
Bodhi had so much energy andwas always jumping and playing
and doing sports, and now he's aprofessional one-wheeler in
sports.
So they've found their way tobe their person and I could have
never guided it to what Ithought it was going to look
like.
Carrie Lingenfelter (24:38):
I love that you were talking about their,
their superpowers, and it'sreally cool.
Society is on the verge ofempowering these neurodiverse
kiddos.
There's actually like amovement, or a piece of it,
called neuro affirming I don'tknow if you've heard of it.
So it's looking at thepositives and the strengths
(25:00):
while also thinking aboutsupporting the challenges that
can come with being neurodiverse.
But being able to look into aclassroom and it used to be as a
speech therapist we would tryto teach the kids that were
neurodiverse how to blend in,because we wanted to look in a
class and have everybody lookthe same so the teacher could
give her message for teaching.
(25:22):
And now we're neuroaffirming.
We're writing goals torepresent the child and who they
are, so we're not teaching themto always mask and look like
every other student, but seeingthem for who they are, accepting
the challenges that they haveand trying to support them, but
also accepting the strengthsthat they come, and looking at
(25:45):
some of these things that weused to think as challenges,
maybe as personality andstrengths, and I love where
we're going with this.
I'm like can we just keep going, please, humanity?
Rachel Harrison (25:56):
This is the raising of the consciousness
that is indeed moving us intothe new earth.
Like ever since it's probablybeen about two years since I
started you hear something andthen it pops right and what is
the new earth?
And I never understood whatEckhart Tolle's book was about.
Anyway, it's.
What is this new earth?
(26:16):
anyhow, very difficult to read,but now that I've heard the term
and the level of consciousness,information, the hundreds of
books and I do channel which hasbeen a wild journey on my own
to really recognize that I amindeed channel it's all saying
the same thing, which is move tothis new, higher consciousness.
(26:38):
Trust this, these superpowerswithin these children.
Trust the superpowers withinourselves.
Recognize that this shift frombeing the same as everybody else
, being small, being quiet,being held back is actually not
who we are here to be.
(26:58):
We are being called to be evenmore and that is happening at
this very specific time.
This time, with these kidscoming in, is one of the most
important, powerful times in ourhistory of this raising of
consciousness, when you see yourkids as not labeling them as
(27:22):
broken versus in empowering themas being unique and special and
wonderful.
That gives them the strength tobe able to walk through their
life and handle whatever comes.
And, having been through thelife that I had with my family
(27:44):
for like the 15 years, that wasreally hard and I'm looking back
now it all was on purpose andit was all okay.
Would I have done some thingsdifferent?
Absolutely I would have donesome things different.
I would have not made my son goto school the way that he did.
He never finished high schoolbecause he just was not a school
kid in the way that they taughtjust didn't work for him.
(28:06):
And so what did he do?
He did drugs to check out,right.
So I would have done adifferent thing for him, but
even then, he's who he is.
And so I think, man, if I couldhave given younger Rachel,
mommy Rachel, a break, it wouldhave really benefited me and
them and at the same time it allhad its own purpose.
(28:28):
And if I hadn't had it so hard,I wouldn't have had my own
personal break.
That would have made me searchfor my own spiritual journey
that has brought me to the placewhere I am today.
Now I am a metaphysicalminister and a spiritual coach
and lead a whole communityaround codependence and letting
go of control is one of my mainthings of how to release the
(28:49):
need to control everything so itall works out right.
So it all works out right andmy kids, who you know are still
just young men, have so muchmore awareness than I did at
those ages.
They are so in tune with theirheart, they're so in tune with
(29:10):
how to be present in theirbodies and in relationship, and
part of that is because theywent through a really difficult
part of their life.
I'm just thinking of this.
Alex said we went through a lotwith him.
We went through legal issuesand schools and residential
rehab so we've been through itand he did everything before he
(29:35):
was 18.
And so anything that happenedis not on his record.
And it was a couple years agothat he said if I hadn't had all
that stuff when I was younger,I wouldn't have the mindset to
know how lucky I am and how muchpower I have to choose the life
(29:55):
that I want to have, and that Idon't have to test out a whole
bunch of kind of wild behaviors,because I know where that takes
me and I don't want that.
And that was a really profoundthing for him to say.
And he said that a lot of hisfriends who had these sort of
like perfect upbringings whichwe were not one of, are right
(30:18):
now experimenting with theirwildness and he's watching them
have more trouble, whereas hewent through that and he's never
going to be in trouble again.
That was no fun and you justlook at how it all happens.
However, it's going to happenand it lets you let go a little
bit.
Carrie Lingenfelter (30:38):
Yes, 100%.
I think there were times when Iwas trying to be the perfect
mom and sought out differenttherapies and counselors and
psychologists and what do we dowith this?
How do we help this?
And we would go by the book sooften and for a while we would
(30:59):
have a therapist that said oncewe had a therapist that said you
need to let her cry it out.
She needs to cry it out, she'stoo attached, you can't all of
these things.
And I was like, no, we're notgonna do that.
My kids consistently would tellus no, we don't want you to do
some of these American versionsof disconnection.
Growing a thick skin early on.
(31:21):
That was what a lot of peoplewould tell us we needed to do
with them.
But my kids would come up veryloud, even at one years old, two
years old no, mom, that isn'twhat I need.
And I could hear that, hear itin my heart nope, we're not
doing that.
And there were times where Iwould try something and then
feel guilty about it, like whydid I do that?
(31:41):
I heard my heart told me not to, but I thought I had to do that
to be the perfect version ofmom.
This is what the book told me Ihad to do.
But I think in my life I'velearned, like you said, that
growing piece of I am growing.
If I hadn't have had thatthunderstorm, I wouldn't now
have the rainbow, if I hadn'thad reached that point of like.
(32:03):
Why did I listen to that personeven though my heart told me
not to do it?
It didn't.
It felt sticky and icky in mybody and I hated it and it
didn't turn out right.
My kids want the connection Iwouldn't.
I wouldn't have grown andhealed to become this version of
.
We are now where we listen andwe understand that our kids want
to be seen and heard and haveconnection and that's what
(32:25):
grounds them and brings themback to their heart and helps
them get through the hard bodypart of being a human so they
can be back in their heart spacethat they want to be in.
So I was going to ask you,rachel, what are your thoughts
on perfectionism?
Rachel Harrison (32:41):
Yeah, perfectionism is actually a
protection of your ownwoundedness.
So if you think about why doyou want it to be perfect?
We want it to be perfectbecause we're trying to keep
ourselves from beinguncomfortable.
So it comes back to thatdiscomfort.
If I have my house perfect,then someone won't come in and
(33:04):
snide me for having a messykitchen.
She's raising her hand again.
It's this gentleness toourselves.
I think the key in what I callsoul recovery is this always
coming back to yourself, andthis gentleness to yourself.
Because these protectors andthis is part of the language
from internal family systems andgestalt therapy, which is we
(33:27):
have these parts of ourselvesthat have pain, and then there
are protectors that come and tryto figure out how to keep us to
never feel those difficultfeelings again.
This is how the psyche works.
Perfectionism is a protector.
If I do it just right, I'll beaccepted.
If I do it just right, I won'tbe challenged.
If I do it just right, everyonewill be okay.
(33:49):
If they're okay, then I'm okay.
It's constantly coming back tous trying to regulate our own
pain and when we recognize thatwe are indeed powerless over
every single thing outside ofourself and that doesn't mean
that we don't have power.
It actually means we're takingour power back by saying I am
(34:13):
going to learn how to be okayeven if everything else around
me is falling apart.
And the more that I stand in mycenter, the more than I'm
offering groundedness toeveryone around me to do the
same if they so choose.
So it doesn't mean that if youlike having a tidy house, you
(34:38):
have a tidy house because itmight feel good to you.
But when you do it from a levelof perfectionism, you're
actually doing it out ofwoundedness and protection and
pain, versus saying I lovebeauty, I love organization,
that feels good to me, and ifthings are askew, okay, they're
(34:58):
askew this idea of owning eachof our superpowers and allowing
ourselves to be exactly who weare as parents and as kids.
I love that you allow your kidsto give you information,
(35:20):
because it's really yourintuition that you're listening
to, and the intuition is notcontrol.
The intuition is your connectionto your higher self, and that
is really where our greatness isand and when you can really
allow everybody to be who theyare, which, for a lot of parents
(35:41):
that are probably like me, Iwanted, like Rich, to be on the
exact same page as me oneverything and there was some
stuff that he did that wasn'tall that great, to be honest,
because of how he was raised.
But my getting my sticky littlefingers in there and being
pissed at him and trying tomanipulate what he was doing
(36:03):
only made things worse.
Versus showing up more firmlyin myself and having clean,
honest, direct communicationthat would allow us to actually
have worked some of those thingsout and then letting him be the
parent that he is probablywould have alleviated a lot of
(36:24):
the stuff that we went throughbecause it's control.
I wanted to control how he was,but when we take our power back
and we work on ourselves and westand in that groundedness and
we let go of perfectionism andwe allow everyone to be
uncomfortable and we allowourselves to be uncomfortable,
(36:44):
we're actually giving everybodytheir power back and we're
connecting to our intuition.
And when we connect to ourintuition, we're giving our kids
permission to connect to theirintuition and we're in a space
right now where people have morepermission to be different and
that in the end, I cannot waitto see, like where your kids are
(37:08):
when they're 25 and 28 andwhere we grow, because it's
changed so much in such a shortperiod of time.
What are the books anyway,right?
So everything's changing soquick that there's no book that
can be written.
That's already outdated.
Carrie Lingenfelter (37:26):
Yes, where are we going to be in 20 years?
I don't know.
I'm so excited to see where isthe shifting toward.
I love this conversation, thisconversation, rachel.
I wanted to ask you one lastquestion, and I'm not sure I
feel like you may have alreadytouched on it, but if you could
tell the parents in this eraparenting nine and six year olds
(37:46):
now, if you could tell us onething that you would like to say
in the place that you are at,what would it be?
Rachel Harrison (37:55):
Give yourself a break.
Give yourself a break, man.
There is no perfect.
There is no one way Like justbe kind to yourself If they're
having a day you are notresponsible for how everyone
feels in your family and just tobe kind to yourself.
Carrie Lingenfelter (38:19):
You don't have to fix everything.
I love that so much and I don'twant to show you the table
behind the computer, although Iwould show you.
I'm giving myself a break today.
So thank you so much for beinghere, Reverend Rachel.
It's been such a blessing tohave you today.
Rachel Harrison (38:30):
It has been my pleasure.
Thanks, Carrie.
Carrie Lingenfelter (38:33):
Well, that's a wrap.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
Changemakers.
This is Keri, and if youhaven't done a review for us
five stars and a little fewwords about what you've enjoyed
in our podcast episodes, wewould really appreciate it.
If you guys would like to evermessage me, I would love any
questions you have or anyfeedback at info at
(38:54):
hearttoheartlifecom.
We also have a brand newwebsite which we're super
excited to share.
It's heart to heart lifecom.
Thanks so much for tuning inand happy life.
Happy times.
Change maker families.
Bye.
Yeah, perfectionism is actually a
protection of your ownwoundedness.
So if you think about why doyou want it to be perfect?
We want it to be perfectbecause we're trying to keep
ourselves from beinguncomfortable.
So it comes back to thatdiscomfort.
If I have my house perfect,then someone won't come in and
(00:22):
snide me for having a messykitchen.
It's this gentleness toourselves.
I think the key in what I callsoul recovery is this, always
coming back to yourself, andthis gentleness to yourself,
because these protectors andthis is part of the language
from internal family systems andgestalt therapy, which is we
(00:44):
have these parts of ourselvesthat have pain, and then there
are protectors that come and tryto figure out how to keep us to
never feel those difficultfeelings again.
This is how the psyche works.
Perfectionism is a protector.
If I do it just right, I'll beaccepted.
If I do it just right, I won'tbe challenged.
If I do it just right, everyonewill be okay.
(01:04):
If I do it just right, I won'tbe challenged.
If I do it just right, everyonewill be okay.
If they're okay, then I'm okay.
It's constantly coming back tous trying to regulate our own
pain.
Hi, conscious.
Carrie Lingenfelter (01:15):
Parents, it's Keri here, and I am here
with a little info about raisingour mindful kids.
I've got some tips and tricksabout breaking free of the box
and becoming who you are andteaching your kids how to do
that along the way.
Join us, hi there, happylisteners.
It's Keri here and I'm soexcited.
I have a new project calledConscious Family Travels on
(01:36):
YouTube.
It's all about mindfullytraveling with our highly
sensitive kids.
We love to give tips and toolsabout how you can pack, how you
can prepare Traveling withdietary restrictions.
That's a huge piece of thepuzzle that we have in our house
.
We love to share in-depthguides of certain areas that we
are traveling to, as well assome of the actual items that we
(01:58):
use along our journey.
So join us on this ConsciousFamily Travels journey.
Hi there and welcome back.
It's Keri, your friendly,intuitive mama, here, and I am
so excited.
I have a guest who I haveconnected with in the real world
, which is unusual, I feel like,in this podcasting world.
So I'm really excited to haveReverend Rachel Harrison here
(02:21):
today.
She's an inspirationalspiritual coach and she's the
host of Recover your Soulpodcast.
She works to help othersseeking positive change and she
has this gift of I was justtelling her she has this gift of
spreading messages that reallyhelps people to connect with
themselves and helps people togrow in a spiritual way.
(02:41):
It also helps you to seek outmore spirituality in your life.
So, rachel, I'm so excited tohave you here today.
Rachel Harrison (02:48):
Thank you, Keri .
I'm super excited to be heretoday.
I just love everything that wehave to talk about.
It's everything that I thinkabout.
Carrie Lingenfelter (02:57):
Yes, I love it, and you raised your own
spiritually seeking neurodiverseI guess if I can share
neurodiverse kiddos and havebeen down this path.
So you've been here in my shoesa few years back and so I love
hearing your insight and I wasreally drawn today to talk about
(03:17):
the spiritual journey as aparent, the spiritual journey as
a woman and as a mom, and I'vereally been driven towards
seeing some of these challengesas opportunities for healing and
growth and spiritual connection.
So I wanted to ask you you workwith so many people that face
challenges in their lives.
(03:37):
It's part of what you do inyour program and on your podcast
and what are your thoughts onwhen we dive into our mindsets
and using these challenges togrow?
Rachel Harrison (03:49):
Yeah, that's a big question.
I you say I raised my kids inthe same as you.
But, man, if I had just half atthe age that my kids when your
kids the way that you are now,if I had that, I think there's
this interesting piece thatwe're all on the journey that
we're on, that the journey thatwe're on and the fascinating
(04:12):
piece is I was raised Buddhistand I was raised in this really
beautiful spiritual environmentand I still went down a road of
addiction and dysfunction andcontrol and fear and unhealthy,
dysfunctional family and havecome out the other side.
It's been seven years since Iput down alcohol for myself and
(04:34):
stepped into this journey and mykids are 28 and 25 years old.
They had us mostly addicted,mostly addicted, and so I think
one of the things to reallythink about in terms of us on
our own spiritual journey isthat it's complicated for
(04:55):
everyone, that there is no exactway, and that you know what I
was thinking about, that Iwanted to share with your
audience and your community.
You know what I was thinkingabout, that I wanted to share
with your audience and yourcommunity is your parents are in
it?
Yeah, they are in it, and Iremember when I was in it and
how overwhelmed I was and howmuch I wanted to do it perfect
(05:16):
and how afraid I was.
My kids were born in a timewhere they got diagnosed with
ADHD in elementary school andnothing changed.
They weren't treated anydifferent.
As a matter of fact, my oldestson, who ended up having the
most quote unquote problem,started getting suspended and
pulled out of school for gettingin trouble and everything that.
(05:38):
Nowadays they look at a kid andthey go, oh, maybe this kiddo
needs some extra attention.
Go, oh, maybe this kiddo needssome extra attention.
He just got highlighted as beinga problem, and so, of course,
my job was to fix and change andtry to save and I just think
about how complicated it is andultimately, soul recovery, which
(05:59):
is what's come to me over thelast years is recover your soul.
It's about recovering your souland understanding that whatever
we go through, it is okay, notonly for ourselves but for our
kids too, and through that wecome out the other side and
(06:20):
we'll talk about a millionthings and this will go in a
million directions, but my kidsare both sober right now and
they're both self-supportingthrough their own contributions,
and they're both doing thingsin their lives that are passions
that they found when they wereyounger that I could have never
imagined.
So this process of us as women,we generally think that we are
(06:43):
responsible for everyone in ourfamily's happiness and
well-being, and it's a loadthat's really too heavy to carry
and through that we can moveinto some unhealthy behaviors,
which is what happened to me.
I didn't want anyone to beuncomfortable.
I needed you to be okay, for meto be okay.
If I had an unhappy child, I wasan unhappy mom and those
(07:08):
experiences are normal.
So it's really about givingourselves a lot of grace, I
think, and through that we'relearning, and they're watching
us learn, and that circle of usalways coming back to ourselves
actually teaches them to comeback to themselves.
(07:28):
So that's a wild story of myexperience, but really grounding
into yourself, I think, isreally what I've learned through
all of it.
Okay.
Carrie Lingenfelter (07:41):
So grounding into yourself.
I'm trying to think what thatmight look like for a person
like, say, for myself I have asix-year-old daughter and a
nine-year-old son, and sometimesit just feels so overwhelming
in intensity in our house.
What do you suggest for a momlike me going through this and
(08:05):
feeling is it going to getbetter?
Did I choose this journey wrong?
What should I do?
What do you say to moms thatare in it, that are in it thick
like that?
Rachel Harrison (08:16):
I think it actually comes back to that
piece that says we'reresponsible for everybody else's
wellbeing.
Ultimately, recover your soulis recovery from codependence.
And it's fascinating how, whenI look at the depths of despair
that I would go through intrying to make sure everyone was
happy, if I had just recognizedthat sometimes people are
(08:37):
unhappy, sometimes kids don'tfeel good, sometimes they get
their feelings hurt, andactually the success that I
think that we had in our lives,which is so interesting to look
at now, was because there was somuch like chaos, in a way that
was uncontrollable chaos.
(08:57):
I couldn't keep everybody frombeing uncomfortable, and you
know what they learned?
They learned how to beuncomfortable.
Yeah, they learned how tomaneuver through that, and my
greatest effort to keepeverybody from harm or from hurt
didn't keep them from harm orhurt, and the more that I
(09:21):
learned how to just witness itfor them instead of fix it for
them, how to empower theminstead of tell them that they
couldn't.
Every time you see a kid andyou try to do it for them, what
you're really saying to them isI don't think you can do this
for yourself, yeah, and when wesay you've got this, you can
(09:41):
make it.
I know that I believe in you.
What are you going to do aboutit?
When we say you've got this,you can make it.
I know that I believe in you.
What are you going to do aboutit?
Even though I was messing up inso many other ways, I was
successful in those ways.
Both my kids tell me that allthe time Bodie I have.
So my two sons are Alex andBodie, and Bodie's 25 right now.
And he called on the phone theother day and he was talking
(10:05):
about how we had this truckpayment issue and it was a lot
of money, right, like this hugeamount of money and I'm thinking
I'm supposed to fix it, and hejust said he goes.
No, I, actually I've got it.
He said you taught me somethingthat I've used in my life.
He said you taught me, becauseI had ADHD, to be kind and
patient and to always ask forhelp, and patient and to always
(10:28):
ask for help.
And he said I've used that somuch because people will be much
more tolerant of my ADHD if I'm, if I'm being kind, if I'm
asking for help.
And so he went to the whatever,the lone people and we're being
kind instead of aggressive, andthey reversed all the stuff and
he's this is one of thegreatest gifts that you gave me
was to really notice that how Ishow up is how other people are
(10:50):
going to show up.
For me, part of this allowingthem to process even at 25, I'm
thinking, oh, how am I going tofix this truck payment situation
for him?
But just to be gentle, thatgrounding really comes back to
minding ourselves and checkingin with ourself and touching in
that feeling, because feelingsare everything.
(11:10):
Feelings teach us something andwe're trying to manipulate the
feelings of others and at thesame time, we're manipulating
the feelings of ourselves, whentruly a feeling is the GPS that
says if this doesn't feel good,it's telling you something, and
if it feels good, it's tellingyou something else.
So when we allow our kids totrust that, because we are
(11:33):
trusting it, because we'restepping into how we feel with
ourselves, and then I do a lotof self-talk, just really being
inside of my own head and saying, ooh, that feels a little bit
uncomfortable right there.
That's okay, they've got this.
You can let them beuncomfortable, you can let them
(11:56):
deal with this very stickysituation, whatever it is, and
then it's interesting how itjust soothes away whatever it is
, and then it's interesting howit just soothes away and over
time I've learned to be okayeven if my children aren't okay,
even if my husband isn't okay,and then that, as the mother, as
(12:22):
the wife of the family, is oneof our greatest lessons.
Can we move into a spiritualspace that says Spirit is indeed
caring for everyone here,caring for me, caring for them,
and as I became a metaphysicalminister over the last years,
these teachings that had alwaysbeen within me, but that had
(12:44):
been lost in my desire tocontrol and fix everything,
really allowed me to release andlet them all be on their own
journeys, instead of thinkingthat I personally was in charge
of everybody's life.
Carrie Lingenfelter (13:07):
Yeah, Wow, that's such a beautiful way to
describe all of it and as you'retelling the story of your kids
calling you and asking justtelling you stories, it makes me
think of even as a 41 year oldmom.
When I call my mom to tell herlike oh, it's been.
I'm battling insurances andtrying to get this OT covered or
whatever, and she's have youtried this, have you tried that?
And she's trying to fix it.
No, I know how to fix this.
I'm just working through thefrustration.
(13:28):
I just need you to hear me.
You don't have to fix it.
I'm an adult.
I'm an adult raising littlekids now, Like I, you don't need
to fix it for me.
Rachel Harrison (13:36):
So I love that and the little kids are the same
Ultimately, what I think is sopowerful when we look out like
bigger right.
So the more that I do thespiritual work, the more I'm
having this expansive vision.
And if I thought that I was incharge of everybody, right, one
(13:59):
of the reasons why I thought Iwas in charge of everybody right
, one of the reasons why Ithought I was in charge of
everybody was I was rewarded asa little girl for being a
problem solver, because I hadparents who allowed me to be my
own problem solver, and so it'sinteresting that they gave me
that breath to understand myself, to figure it out for myself.
(14:20):
And we all come out ofchildhood with something Nobody
escapes childhood without stuff,right?
And so here's on one hand, myparents did this great job of
giving me this independence, butthen I also got such reward for
being good and figuring it allout.
My belief system became thatthat's my job and that I must
(14:42):
know best for everyone, right?
And then I stepped into thatrole in my family and they all
were not on the same page of howthat was going to go.
And this is our journey.
This is the beautiful piece ofus giving ourselves grace and
giving the family members graceand giving our kids grace.
We are all souls that came hereto have our own unique
(15:06):
experience.
Our children are not ours.
Our children come through us tohave their own experience.
And yet we want to have thatconnection so that when you call
your mom, she's your momforever, and what you just
really want is someone who knowsyou and loves you, to hear you.
And yet all of the conflictthat ends up happening is this
(15:30):
who's right?
Who has all the answers?
And we all have our own answerswithin ourselves, even as
children.
Yeah.
Carrie Lingenfelter (15:39):
Yeah, yeah, I love that and I love the way
you did that self-reflection foryourself.
I was hearing so many similarthings for me as a child and as
a mom and trying to control, andI think part of my spiritual
journey myself has been lookingat what am I trying to control?
Why am I trying so hard tocontrol my kid's environment, to
(16:02):
control my kids?
I used to try to control myhusband when I first met him and
he was like no you are not mymom, do not treat me.
I'm like, oh yeah, you're right,I am not your mom.
What am I doing?
And looking at what in me feelsthis need to control everything
, and I realize highly sensitivemom right here, highly
sensitive person, and it'sreally intense feelings for me
(16:26):
when they're dysregulated orhaving a meltdown or having
something that's going on intheir lives that I want to fix
for them.
But the kids they don't wantyou to fix it for them.
It's learning.
What is the root cause of thosefeelings that I'm having as a
mom?
How can I heal that for myselfso I can stop putting that onto
my kids?
And, as you said, it's likethat facilitator role helping to
(16:51):
facilitate life for our kids,helping them to shine and learn
and grow in their own way,instead of controlling it for
them and letting them beuncomfortable is huge.
That's really hard for asensitive mom, an empathic mom.
Watching them in pain, watchingthem in emotional pain,
(17:15):
physical pain, any type of pain,right, that, just that is hard
on our hearts.
Yeah, I think I've.
I've been hearing it sostrongly from the universe about
these kids coming in with thesesuperpowers I like to term it
as superpowers and I'm reallyworking to help people, to raise
our kids, allowing them to beempowered and have those
(17:35):
superpowers, while also learninghow to be uncomfortable in the
world, because when they arecoming in so sensitive, it can
be so easy for them to put theselayers of protection around
themselves as they're growinginto adults, when they're so
sensitive.
Do you have any ideas?
Rachel Harrison (17:51):
I have.
So my oldest son is a highlysensitive, which I didn't know
at the time.
Again, he's only 28 and alreadythere's been so much more
advancements in how we see kids.
But I can see now.
You would say one thing to himand it was like a stab in the
heart.
You'd say the same thing toBodhi and Bodhi's let's go play.
(18:13):
Like he didn't care.
And there really is thismovement the more you get into
some pretty far out spiritualstuff which is becoming less and
less far out.
The concept is that childrenare coming in with a higher
level of consciousness alreadyand that higher consciousness
makes it so that when they stepinto their bodies they're
(18:35):
already uncomfortable, becauseit's very difficult here on
Earth.
This is considered earth schooland again, take what you want
and leave the rest.
But when you look at our soulscoming in to have an experience
and these higher consciousnessbeings and souls are coming in
to help earth, to help humankind, to bring love, to bring light
(19:01):
and we don't learn withoutadversity there has to be
agitation.
And if we cloister our kids somuch and protect them, we're
actually encouraging them tobuild the walls and the
protections which will end upkeeping them from their full
life.
In the end we want to give themthe strength to know that they
(19:23):
can handle anything.
Now there's this you have tolearn how to be in the world.
There's always this pendulumswing in parenting.
Right From my husband's parentsgot the belt out, which to me,
even if Rich ever said the belt,I like freaked out and I was
like there's none of that inthis house and there never was.
(19:47):
For him he said that was normaland in my family there was no
need for any kind of disciplinebecause I just was good.
I was just good Carrie'sraising her hand, and then it
swings to being way toopermissive and then it's so,
this piece of us that were ashuman beings, we're just trying
(20:08):
to find the medium.
But if you begin to reallytrust that your job is actually
just to live in yourconsciousness and your being in
your strength, you're actuallygiving the kids exactly what
they need to learn, becausethey're watching you.
Now, on the hard side, I was analcoholic and so what did my
(20:32):
kids learn?
How to learn, how to deal withtheir discomfort.
They learned that checking outwas the way to deal with it.
And for my husband's genetics,they have addictive genes and
there's so much sadness in mesometimes that what I taught
them even though I had thiswhole unbridled love,
unconditional love, all thesebeautiful teachings that I was
(20:54):
giving them I was also teachingthem that the way to check out
from feeling uncomfortable wasto drink.
And they both started usingdrugs at 13 years old and that
was what they were taught.
And then we put all the energythat said, oh, this one in
(21:16):
particular, our oldest one, hehas the problem.
It doesn't matter whether youhave a kid who's got ADHD or
addiction or whatever.
When we label them as a problem, we're denying them their
experience.
And the more that I look now,the more I can see that he was
modeling the only way that heknew how to deal with
(21:38):
uncomfortable feelings, notfeeling comfortable in his skin,
not knowing how to relate.
He was getting in so muchtrouble at school and thank God,
I got sober and I've modeledfor them a healthier way of
being.
Now they're both sober too, notbecause I forced them to, but
(22:03):
because they're recognizing theywant that in their life.
That 28-year-old found his way.
He found his way.
Part of that is because Istopped thinking it was my job
to make that happen for him.
I started seeing him for thisbeautiful soul, this superpower,
this already higherconsciousness, enlightened,
(22:26):
being that they both were whenthey came in.
And when we stop seeing anybodyin our lives our children, our
spouses as broken or as wrong,and we just start seeing the
complexity of what it is to behuman being, I think we can give
(22:48):
ourselves a break, as a parentthat says so daughter was having
a stomach ache this morning.
Alex had horrendous physicalsymptoms of the feelings that he
was having, but we didn't knowhow to handle it, instead of
(23:09):
saying, oh yeah, that must bereally.
There must be a lot of feelingsgoing on inside when it comes
in your stomach.
Yeah, that's.
I feel that.
Feel that then they've got togo to school and have a stomach
ache, they've got what they cando.
And the more that I do thesespiritual studies and recognize
(23:32):
the value of giving everyone thespace to have their experience,
the more that I'm watching thepeople in my family thrive,
every single one of them, allthese people that I was trying
to herd like wild cats, right,and they're each just becoming
their own unique people.
Now, do my kids look like whatI thought they were going to
(23:53):
look like in the lives we'regoing to look like?
Not at all, not at all, not atall.
But I love them for who theyare.
Alex is all tattooed up andlives in California and is an
artist.
He never paid attention toschool.
He always drew and now he's afull-time artist.
(24:19):
And now he's a full-time artist.
Bodhi had so much energy andwas always jumping and playing
and doing sports, and now he's aprofessional one-wheeler in
sports.
So they've found their way tobe their person and I could have
never guided it to what Ithought it was going to look
like.
Carrie Lingenfelter (24:38):
I love that you were talking about their,
their superpowers, and it'sreally cool.
Society is on the verge ofempowering these neurodiverse
kiddos.
There's actually like amovement, or a piece of it,
called neuro affirming I don'tknow if you've heard of it.
So it's looking at thepositives and the strengths
(25:00):
while also thinking aboutsupporting the challenges that
can come with being neurodiverse.
But being able to look into aclassroom and it used to be as a
speech therapist we would tryto teach the kids that were
neurodiverse how to blend in,because we wanted to look in a
class and have everybody lookthe same so the teacher could
give her message for teaching.
(25:22):
And now we're neuroaffirming.
We're writing goals torepresent the child and who they
are, so we're not teaching themto always mask and look like
every other student, but seeingthem for who they are, accepting
the challenges that they haveand trying to support them, but
also accepting the strengthsthat they come, and looking at
(25:45):
some of these things that weused to think as challenges,
maybe as personality andstrengths, and I love where
we're going with this.
I'm like can we just keep going, please, humanity?
Rachel Harrison (25:56):
This is the raising of the consciousness
that is indeed moving us intothe new earth.
Like ever since it's probablybeen about two years since I
started you hear something andthen it pops right and what is
the new earth?
And I never understood whatEckhart Tolle's book was about.
Anyway, it's.
What is this new earth?
(26:16):
anyhow, very difficult to read,but now that I've heard the term
and the level of consciousness,information, the hundreds of
books and I do channel which hasbeen a wild journey on my own
to really recognize that I amindeed channel it's all saying
the same thing, which is move tothis new, higher consciousness.
(26:38):
Trust this, these superpowerswithin these children.
Trust the superpowers withinourselves.
Recognize that this shift frombeing the same as everybody else
, being small, being quiet,being held back is actually not
who we are here to be.
(26:58):
We are being called to be evenmore and that is happening at
this very specific time.
This time, with these kidscoming in, is one of the most
important, powerful times in ourhistory of this raising of
consciousness, when you see yourkids as not labeling them as
(27:22):
broken versus in empowering themas being unique and special and
wonderful.
That gives them the strength tobe able to walk through their
life and handle whatever comes.
And, having been through thelife that I had with my family
(27:44):
for like the 15 years, that wasreally hard and I'm looking back
now it all was on purpose andit was all okay.
Would I have done some thingsdifferent?
Absolutely I would have donesome things different.
I would have not made my son goto school the way that he did.
He never finished high schoolbecause he just was not a school
kid in the way that they taughtjust didn't work for him.
(28:06):
And so what did he do?
He did drugs to check out,right.
So I would have done adifferent thing for him, but
even then, he's who he is.
And so I think, man, if I couldhave given younger Rachel,
mommy Rachel, a break, it wouldhave really benefited me and
them and at the same time it allhad its own purpose.
(28:28):
And if I hadn't had it so hard,I wouldn't have had my own
personal break.
That would have made me searchfor my own spiritual journey
that has brought me to the placewhere I am today.
Now I am a metaphysicalminister and a spiritual coach
and lead a whole communityaround codependence and letting
go of control is one of my mainthings of how to release the
(28:49):
need to control everything so itall works out right.
So it all works out right andmy kids, who you know are still
just young men, have so muchmore awareness than I did at
those ages.
They are so in tune with theirheart, they're so in tune with
(29:10):
how to be present in theirbodies and in relationship, and
part of that is because theywent through a really difficult
part of their life.
I'm just thinking of this.
Alex said we went through a lotwith him.
We went through legal issuesand schools and residential
rehab so we've been through itand he did everything before he
(29:35):
was 18.
And so anything that happenedis not on his record.
And it was a couple years agothat he said if I hadn't had all
that stuff when I was younger,I wouldn't have the mindset to
know how lucky I am and how muchpower I have to choose the life
(29:55):
that I want to have, and that Idon't have to test out a whole
bunch of kind of wild behaviors,because I know where that takes
me and I don't want that.
And that was a really profoundthing for him to say.
And he said that a lot of hisfriends who had these sort of
like perfect upbringings whichwe were not one of, are right
(30:18):
now experimenting with theirwildness and he's watching them
have more trouble, whereas hewent through that and he's never
going to be in trouble again.
That was no fun and you justlook at how it all happens.
However, it's going to happenand it lets you let go a little
bit.
Carrie Lingenfelter (30:38):
Yes, 100%.
I think there were times when Iwas trying to be the perfect
mom and sought out differenttherapies and counselors and
psychologists and what do we dowith this?
How do we help this?
And we would go by the book sooften and for a while we would
(30:59):
have a therapist that said oncewe had a therapist that said you
need to let her cry it out.
She needs to cry it out, she'stoo attached, you can't all of
these things.
And I was like, no, we're notgonna do that.
My kids consistently would tellus no, we don't want you to do
some of these American versionsof disconnection.
Growing a thick skin early on.
(31:21):
That was what a lot of peoplewould tell us we needed to do
with them.
But my kids would come up veryloud, even at one years old, two
years old no, mom, that isn'twhat I need.
And I could hear that, hear itin my heart nope, we're not
doing that.
And there were times where Iwould try something and then
feel guilty about it, like whydid I do that?
(31:41):
I heard my heart told me not to, but I thought I had to do that
to be the perfect version ofmom.
This is what the book told me Ihad to do.
But I think in my life I'velearned, like you said, that
growing piece of I am growing.
If I hadn't have had thatthunderstorm, I wouldn't now
have the rainbow, if I hadn'thad reached that point of like.
(32:03):
Why did I listen to that personeven though my heart told me
not to do it?
It didn't.
It felt sticky and icky in mybody and I hated it and it
didn't turn out right.
My kids want the connection Iwouldn't.
I wouldn't have grown andhealed to become this version of
.
We are now where we listen andwe understand that our kids want
to be seen and heard and haveconnection and that's what
(32:25):
grounds them and brings themback to their heart and helps
them get through the hard bodypart of being a human so they
can be back in their heart spacethat they want to be in.
So I was going to ask you,rachel, what are your thoughts
on perfectionism?
Rachel Harrison (32:41):
Yeah, perfectionism is actually a
protection of your ownwoundedness.
So if you think about why doyou want it to be perfect?
We want it to be perfectbecause we're trying to keep
ourselves from beinguncomfortable.
So it comes back to thatdiscomfort.
If I have my house perfect,then someone won't come in and
(33:04):
snide me for having a messykitchen.
She's raising her hand again.
It's this gentleness toourselves.
I think the key in what I callsoul recovery is this always
coming back to yourself, andthis gentleness to yourself.
Because these protectors andthis is part of the language
from internal family systems andgestalt therapy, which is we
(33:27):
have these parts of ourselvesthat have pain, and then there
are protectors that come and tryto figure out how to keep us to
never feel those difficultfeelings again.
This is how the psyche works.
Perfectionism is a protector.
If I do it just right, I'll beaccepted.
If I do it just right, I won'tbe challenged.
If I do it just right, everyonewill be okay.
(33:49):
If they're okay, then I'm okay.
It's constantly coming back tous trying to regulate our own
pain and when we recognize thatwe are indeed powerless over
every single thing outside ofourself and that doesn't mean
that we don't have power.
It actually means we're takingour power back by saying I am
(34:13):
going to learn how to be okayeven if everything else around
me is falling apart.
And the more that I stand in mycenter, the more than I'm
offering groundedness toeveryone around me to do the
same if they so choose.
So it doesn't mean that if youlike having a tidy house, you
(34:38):
have a tidy house because itmight feel good to you.
But when you do it from a levelof perfectionism, you're
actually doing it out ofwoundedness and protection and
pain, versus saying I lovebeauty, I love organization,
that feels good to me, and ifthings are askew, okay, they're
(34:58):
askew this idea of owning eachof our superpowers and allowing
ourselves to be exactly who weare as parents and as kids.
I love that you allow your kidsto give you information,
(35:20):
because it's really yourintuition that you're listening
to, and the intuition is notcontrol.
The intuition is your connectionto your higher self, and that
is really where our greatness isand and when you can really
allow everybody to be who theyare, which, for a lot of parents
(35:41):
that are probably like me, Iwanted, like Rich, to be on the
exact same page as me oneverything and there was some
stuff that he did that wasn'tall that great, to be honest,
because of how he was raised.
But my getting my sticky littlefingers in there and being
pissed at him and trying tomanipulate what he was doing
(36:03):
only made things worse.
Versus showing up more firmlyin myself and having clean,
honest, direct communicationthat would allow us to actually
have worked some of those thingsout and then letting him be the
parent that he is probablywould have alleviated a lot of
(36:24):
the stuff that we went throughbecause it's control.
I wanted to control how he was,but when we take our power back
and we work on ourselves and westand in that groundedness and
we let go of perfectionism andwe allow everyone to be
uncomfortable and we allowourselves to be uncomfortable,
(36:44):
we're actually giving everybodytheir power back and we're
connecting to our intuition.
And when we connect to ourintuition, we're giving our kids
permission to connect to theirintuition and we're in a space
right now where people have morepermission to be different and
that in the end, I cannot waitto see, like where your kids are
(37:08):
when they're 25 and 28 andwhere we grow, because it's
changed so much in such a shortperiod of time.
What are the books anyway,right?
So everything's changing soquick that there's no book that
can be written.
That's already outdated.
Carrie Lingenfelter (37:26):
Yes, where are we going to be in 20 years?
I don't know.
I'm so excited to see where isthe shifting toward.
I love this conversation, thisconversation, rachel.
I wanted to ask you one lastquestion, and I'm not sure I
feel like you may have alreadytouched on it, but if you could
tell the parents in this eraparenting nine and six year olds
(37:46):
now, if you could tell us onething that you would like to say
in the place that you are at,what would it be?
Rachel Harrison (37:55):
Give yourself a break.
Give yourself a break, man.
There is no perfect.
There is no one way Like justbe kind to yourself If they're
having a day you are notresponsible for how everyone
feels in your family and just tobe kind to yourself.
Carrie Lingenfelter (38:19):
You don't have to fix everything.
I love that so much and I don'twant to show you the table
behind the computer, although Iwould show you.
I'm giving myself a break today.
So thank you so much for beinghere, Reverend Rachel.
It's been such a blessing tohave you today.
Rachel Harrison (38:30):
It has been my pleasure.
Thanks, Carrie.
Carrie Lingenfelter (38:33):
Well, that's a wrap.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
Changemakers.
This is Keri, and if youhaven't done a review for us
five stars and a little fewwords about what you've enjoyed
in our podcast episodes, wewould really appreciate it.
If you guys would like to evermessage me, I would love any
questions you have or anyfeedback at info at
(38:54):
hearttoheartlifecom.
We also have a brand newwebsite which we're super
excited to share.
It's heart to heart lifecom.
Thanks so much for tuning inand happy life.
Happy times.
Change maker families.
Bye.
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