What if being fully present with your child is more powerful than all the parenting advice in the world? In this deeply insightful conversation, Carrie welcomes Lindsay Miller, mindfulness kids coach and host of the Stress Nanny podcast, who shares transformative tools for mindful parenting.
Lindsay introduces us to the powerful "benches in a park" metaphor, explaining how throughout life we need to learn to sit on all emotional benches—whether they represent joy, fear, anger, or grief. As parents, our natural instinct might be to pull our children away from uncomfortable emotional experiences, but the greatest gift we can offer is our willingness to sit alongside them through every feeling.
For parents struggling with the overwhelming amount of parenting information available today, Lindsay offers a refreshing perspective: "We're not going to go wrong with presence." She shares how her own mindfulness practice began with just two minutes in the morning and evening, proving that even small commitments to presence can yield remarkable results.
The conversation explores practical visualization tools like the "beach ball" metaphor for understanding emotional regulation and the "thought river" concept that helps both parents and children recognize that thoughts are separate from who we are. These accessible practices can be implemented immediately with children of any age.
Whether you're parenting a highly sensitive child or working through your own emotional landscape, this episode offers compassionate guidance for fostering self-awareness, emotional regulation, and resilience in both yourself and your children. Listen now to discover how mindful parenting can transform your family dynamics while honoring each person's unique emotional experiences.
Connect with Lindsay Miller:
*Website: https://www.thestressnanny.com/
*Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thestressnanny/?hl=en
*Facebook: https://www.thestressnanny.com/
New! Conscious Family Travels Channel on YouTube with Carrie:
https://www.youtube.com/@consciousfamilytravels
Connect with Carrie:
*Website: https://hearttoheartlife.com/
*Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespiritualparent
*YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheSpiritualParent
*Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/people/The-Spiritual-Parent/61554482625081
*Email: info@hearttoheartlife.com
**Please remember that the information shared on this podcast is educational in nature and does not constitute licensed mental health advice. If you need such advice, you should speak with a licensed professional about your unique situation. Thanks so much happy listeners.
© 2024-2025 Heart to Heart Life LLC
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Episode Transcript
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Lindsay Miller (00:00):
If we can just be present in the moment that
we're in with our kids, like wecan have all the wisdom in the
world coming at us and we canhave all the knowledge and read
all the parenting books, butlike, if we don't have that
peace with presence, like that'swhere the translation can come
through Right and that's wherewe can use our own intuition,
our own spirituality, our ownknowledge and synergize all of
(00:23):
those things, like it's in thepresent that we do that.
And so if we can practicepresence and just being in this
moment with our kids, no matterhow uncomfortable it is right
and no matter how joyful it is,just all of those things, we
will have what we need.
And so I would say, like yourpresence practice, as simple, it
(00:44):
sounds so simple, right and soelementary, but just like I
started mindfulness practice,it's been.
I think my daughter was threeor four when I started my
practice and I was, like youknow, like doing my meditation.
Carrie Lingenfelter (01:05):
Hi Conscious Parents.
It's Keri here and I am herewith a little info about raising
our mindful kids.
I've got some tips and tricksabout breaking free of the box
and becoming who you are andteaching your kids how to do
that.
Along the way, join us.
Lindsay Miller (01:15):
Hi there and welcome back.
It's Keri, your friendly,intuitive mama here, and I'm so
excited I have a wonderful guesttoday.
She's somebody who also has apodcast going in a very similar
aligned mission.
I have Lindsay Miller here, whois a mindfulness kids coach and
she hosts the Stress Nannypodcast.
(01:35):
I'm so excited, lindsay.
Thanks so much for joining ustoday.
Keri, thanks so much for havingme.
Yeah, I can't wait for ourconversation me.
Yeah, I can't wait for ourconversation.
Yeah, so I'm.
It was so cool to run intosomebody who's also so dedicated
to helping kids on this mindfuljourney, helping parents on
this mindful journey.
I wanted to jump right in andask you what are some of your
(01:58):
favorite mindful practices thatyou like to share with other
parents to help kids?
So mindfulness tools for kiddos.
So and I love that you broughtparents and kids kind of into
the same space with both yourshow, you know, and your work,
because I think that that's sucha key element to teaching kids
mindfulness at home is therecognition that often as
(02:19):
parents, we're learningalongside our kiddos, right?
So if we can take ourmindfulness practice down to
like the basics, it reallysupports our own growth as well.
Right?
So, making it accessible forkids even as young as three or
four I know your kids are sixand nine right so having a
mindfulness practice that'saccessible to any range, it
(02:39):
really creates like such abeautiful space, because
mindfulness is so simple that itcan apply and support, you know
, folks of any age.
So us learning it on the levelwith our kids is such a
beautiful way to get into thebasics of a practice.
So I'm really glad you asked.
One of the things that I like tothink of right off the bat is a
(03:01):
tool by Becky Kennedy, and oneof the things she talks about is
like benches, the idea of eachemotion being a bench.
So if you imagine thisbeautiful park like, think of
Central Park or any park thatyou've been to just like a big,
wide, vast area with all thesedifferent, you know, sections to
it, different things to see,and it's like it's got benches
(03:23):
everywhere, right.
So like a bench over here underthis tree, a bench over by the
pond, a bench over by, like theplayground, and each bench
represents an emotion and, likethroughout our lives, our job is
to learn to sit on all thebenches.
So we need to be able to sitwith each emotion right, like in
a different space in our life,in different experiences, and so
(03:44):
when we look at the idea ofbenches as emotions, it's not as
scary, right.
We're like, oh, that littlepart, like that dark corner of
the park over there, that seemsa little creepy, where we might
feel a little fear on that benchright, it's just a part of the
park, and so if we can learn towalk to that part of the park
and be okay sitting there, thenwe learn to sit on that bench
(04:05):
and it's not as scary anymorebecause we're like, oh, we've
been on that bench, like it'sokay, there's some actually
really interesting stuff overthere, right, and as parents,
our role is to be able to sit onthe bench with our kids, right,
and a lot of times it can be sotricky because when we're
looking at the like, thesituation that they're in, we
might want to be like, let's goto this bench over here.
(04:26):
Like this bench seems like amuch easier or more fun or, you
know, just more comfortablespace for all of us.
Like, we don't, let's not goover there in the bench.
In like the shady part of theyou know, the park.
And I think that learning to siton all the benches with our
kids is such a beautifulmetaphor for mindfulness because
, as you know, throughout ourparenting journey, we're going
(04:48):
to find ourselves in a varietyof situations, and some of them
are ones we anticipate and someof them are ones that really are
invitations to something wenever would have chosen on our
own Right.
And so when our kids startsdarting off into this part of
the park where we're like, well,I don't even know what to do
here.
I've never been here before.
This is scary to me anduncertain.
Our inclination is going to beto pull them to one of the
(05:09):
benches that we're okay with.
But I find that in my ownparenting journey, and like in
in you know experiences withkids who are highly sensitive
they're taking us to all kindsof benches that we've never even
dreamed of Right.
And when we, when we can learnhow to trust, like and just be
able to sit with them on thatbench and our job isn't only to
(05:29):
sit be able to sit with themwhile they figure out what it's
like to be in that bench Then,like, it opens up so many
different opportunities for usto be a little more patient with
ourselves, to acknowledge andaccept with presence where our
kids are at.
So that would be the first one.
Along with that, I guess, beforewe go on to other ones.
I feel like that opens the doorfor the self-awareness or the
(05:51):
self-acceptance right, becauseif you're able to be on that
bench.
What are your thoughts on that?
Yeah, no, definitely, and Ithink you know, at least for me,
growing up, a lot of thosebenches were like taboo, a
little bit like don't you know.
At least for me, uh, growing up, a lot of those benches were
like taboo, a little bit likedon't you know.
And my parents are great andthey did the best that they
could and they did, you know,the best with what they had at
(06:15):
the time.
But, like in a, in a societywith an emerging sense of
emotional intelligence, we're,we're just invited to to
understand emotions a littledifferently, right, and so when
I was little, like going ontothe benches where it was sad or
you were mad, or maybe you werestewing in some grief for a
while, those were benches thatwere kind of like stop, maybe we
don't want our kids to go there.
That wasn't a bench that I wasmaybe taught to sit in
(06:37):
comfortably, and so now as anadult, I'm learning to go to
those benches.
Life is inviting me, in avariety of situations, to go to
those benches and really getokay with sitting there.
And it's it's entailed, you know, like what you just said,
sitting with like this kind ofdisconnect and a little bit of
dissonance between, like thisbench being wrong, this bench
(07:00):
being bad, this bench being likeoff limits, or you know like
something inherently not okayabout it To me, just having like
a sense of like this is a benchin the park, all the benches
are equally, you know like.
It's just life, right, theemotions are just a part of life
, and so when we can acknowledgeand recognize our own humanity
(07:22):
in those moments by justaccepting, like the fact that,
like me, being on the loss, sadgrief bench for a while, it
doesn't mean something's wrongwith me, it doesn't mean
something hasn't you know likeI've made a choice that somehow
you know like made it so that Ihad to sit here, or it like
there's not a part of judgment.
You know like about sitting inthat bench anymore where I had
(07:44):
to work through that you know,for quite a while, be like if
I'm on this bench that means Idid something wrong, when it
just actually means that I'mhuman.
I was thinking.
There's a lot of people thathave mentioned when their kiddos
are going through differentphases.
Maybe three, I feel like, waskind of a bubble of
hypersensitivity in our houseAge six was kind of six and a
(08:05):
half was kind of a bubble of itagain and our kiddos can become
very hypersensitive.
Do you have any ideas abouttrying to keep our kids in the
positive version of theself-awareness if they're having
meltdowns a lot or these typeof or sometimes it's anger and
they react toward you in a wayand then later on they're saying
(08:27):
I'm a bad kid like what areyour?
thoughts on those pieces yeah,the such again great awareness
right about the seasons in lifewhere, like sometimes we just
find ourselves in these momentswhere it just feels like
everything all at once and it'sa lot right.
One of the things that I thinkwas key for me, like in my own
parenting journey and then alsojust as an individual wandering
(08:49):
around in this world, was therecognition that in moments when
we're feeling something strong,or when our kiddo is feeling
something strong and we'reeither kind of attuned to it
really deeply or we're justtrying to figure out how to work
with it, is like understandingthat, like we can feel the thing
and then choose how we movethrough it.
(09:12):
And I think, for for kids,that's for adults I think that's
a novel concept, but for kids,as they're learning to like,
feel all these big things rightEspecially kids who tend toward
more sensitivity right, like asthey're feeling so much, being
able to like, feel that and thenmove through is kind of like
the practice that we work onwith the kids that I work with.
(09:35):
So I have here like a beachball, so one of the activities I
do with the kids is like aemotion beach ball, and so we
talk about, like in moments whenwe're feeling a lot of things.
It's kind of like we're fillingour beach ball, right, and
we're it's getting bigger andbigger and bigger.
And in those episodes wherethat emotion just kind of like
pops out of the water, it'sbecause, like over time, if any
(09:57):
of us try to hold a beach ballunderwater for long enough,
right, it's going to pop upsomewhere.
And a lot of times it's wherewe don't expect it or don't want
it to be or don't?
You know all of those things.
And so with kids, like we justnormalize.
For for me at least, what I doa lot with kids is I normalize
and I say like hey, any humanright, Like you're sitting in a
(10:19):
pool, imagine that feeling right, like I'm trying to hold that
beach ball underwater.
Somebody comes along and bumpsyou, somebody jumps in and the
water shifts.
You know like any small changein the circumstance can create a
scenario where that beach balljust flies out of the water,
usually like waxes in the faceon the way up right and like hit
somebody else and they get mad.
So I think of those moments inthat way where we have like, if
(10:43):
we're holding those big emotionsdown and just trying to like
keep them contained all the time, there are going to be moments
when they pop up.
But if we can learn to workwith the emotion as it arises
and as it comes up and movethrough it, that's when we can
be letting air out of our beachball and making it a little bit
easier to manage.
So first, normalizing for me isalways the big one, because I
(11:06):
never want kids to feel like,like feeling something is bad or
feeling something is going tobe, um, like getting in their
way, like we talk about it morelike a tendency.
So your tendency is to feelthings deeply, my tendency is to
feel things deeply.
My tendency is to feel thingsdeeply, like our tendency here
(11:28):
is to feel things deeply.
And so if, if that's thetendency, then we just need some
tools to figure out how to workwith that tendency, like if
that's how our brain works,that's how this beautiful body
that we have works, that's howour spirit is kind of taking in
the world.
Those are all like inherent toour journey through life, right,
and so, for a kid, I don't wantthem to turn that off, yeah,
(11:49):
right, cause that's going to bethe way that they interpret and
move through the world and findthe things that are resonant for
them.
But as a mom, it's superchallenging, right To be in
those moments and to be like,wow, that was a lot all at once.
And, like your, yoursensitivity to all the things is
, you know, like it's somethingwe need to work with and manage.
So the beach ball we, one ofthe ways we let let air out of
the beach ball.
(12:09):
We, we like breathe, right,obviously.
So I have a lot of differentbreathing exercises, whether
it's like heart, belly breath,where we have one hand up here,
one hand on our belly, and we'rebreathing.
We'll do box breath, we'll justdo like a four count inhale and
an eight count exhale to try tolike study the nervous system
so we can process and thennaming the emotion.
(12:33):
I love um Lindsay Braman's work.
She has a like an emotionsensation wheel that she uses
and I have used that with myclients and it's.
She had just developed one forkids and so it has emojis as
part of it so you can look at itlike you can.
You know it has words but alsoemojis.
So in those moments where theemotion is so big that we're
(12:55):
feeling a disconnect from ourlogical brain, we can use the
emojis to just like this, it'sthis, it's this you know.
So naming it first, normalizingit, then naming it and then
having the awareness around,like for my specific mind, my
specific body, what are thetools that support me when I'm
feeling something that's reallybig and it's not about like when
(13:17):
I say, move through it.
We don't always have controlover how fast that process is
right, like there are someinstances where we can be a
little more intentional and somewhere we ride, ride it out,
right.
But I think in the moments whenwe are like needing to take
extra good care of ourselvesbecause we're feeling something
deeply, those are the things welike we teach our kids right,
(13:39):
like what are the things youneed when you're feeling
something really deep?
Do you need, like that, youknow, soft blanket of yours?
Do you need you know, like,what are some of the things for
your kids that they use whenthey're feeling something deep?
Yeah, Some I tried weightedblankets.
That was not one, but we havelike cozy corners.
We have beanbags and cozyblankets, lava lamps, swings,
(14:00):
trampolines.
We have lots of movement orcozy cozy it's.
I really try to follow whatthey're in that mood for.
Yeah, I love that and I thinklike one of the things that, at
least for me, when my daughterwas younger, when I felt like
this, like that she just had adifferent orientation to the
world than I did and there werethings she took in at a level
(14:20):
that was different than what Iwas accustomed to.
I remember thinking likefeeling like I needed to and I
think you've made it throughthis much quicker than I did but
like make, make, make it alittle bit more like mainstream
for her, like help her acclimateto the things other people did.
You know, or help her figureout how to be okay in this
situation.
And then I got to the pointwhere I was like, actually she's
(14:43):
not okay in this situation, soI'm going to change the
situation.
You know, yeah, you know.
And so I think that likehonoring and working with those
tendencies.
I remember, when she was young,feeling like I might be doing
her a disservice because, likeshe had to live in the real
world and I didn't know whatthat would look like.
You know, like kind of helpingher with this awareness at a
(15:04):
young age.
And I've just recently beenthinking about how grateful I am
to myself and my support circlefor supporting my efforts to
like help her know herself.
She's 15.
She's almost 16.
And so seeing what that lookslike you know, like 10 years
down the road, like there are somany things I would have said
(15:24):
to myself back then about likeyou know how this is going to
turn out.
Like it feels so scary rightnow because this is a different
way of parenting than maybeyou've seen, or different than
what other people are doing, orit feels like is this really
going to serve in the long run,you know, but it's been so
beautiful to me to kind of lookback and see those tiny spaces
(15:44):
where we practice theself-acceptance right and we
practice like these are yourtendencies, let's figure out how
to work with them, and we kindof just tuned in with a lot of
self-awareness, as highlysensitive kids have to.
Like what is going on right nowand what do you need in this
moment, and like theaccumulative effect of that over
the years has just it's left mein awe of, like the person that
(16:07):
she's becoming.
That's so beautiful, okay.
So it's left me in awe of, likethe person that that she's
becoming.
That's so beautiful, okay.
So then, what would you tell usif we're like the next?
Era back right With the youngergeneration right now.
What would you tell parents?
Yeah, Well, I think, I think oneof the I mean one of the most
challenging things that I knowwe were going to get to this,
but I think one of the mostchallenging things about
parenting in modern life is justlike this complete inundation
(16:32):
of information.
Right Like there are so manyways to be a great parent right
now, right, whereas, like youknow, I just wasn't there, just,
and I'm only like I'm 44.
Right, and so I think, even backwhen my daughter was little we
were just talking the other dayand I was like I think I got my
first iPhone when she was like18 months or, you know, it was
(16:54):
around the age of two and so, ifwe think about that trajectory
and just like the information Ihad access to when she was
little, it was much differentthan you know what what parents
of young kids have access to now.
Even just those couple of yearsmade a huge difference.
Right, that's true.
And so.
I yeah, so I think that no, no.
(17:15):
So I think that, like, havingthe information on how to do
something can sometimes be superoverwhelming, because you have
this expert telling you this andthis expert telling you this
and this expert telling you this, or, like you, you're trying to
remember, like what was thatthing I was supposed to do, or
how was I supposed to be in thismoment, you know?
Or like what was that phrase?
It can be so overwhelming,right, to look at all of the
(17:39):
input on how to do it correctlyor how to do it the right way,
and then to feel like you needto translate it immediately into
the moment that you're in.
And so it's one of the reasonsI love mindfulness and why it's
one, why I'm passionate aboutsharing it with families is
because, like, we're not goingto go wrong with presence, right
(18:00):
, like if we can just be presentin the moment that we're in
with our kids.
Like we can have all the wisdomin the world coming at us and
we can have all the knowledgeand read all coming at us, and
we can have all the knowledgeand read all the parenting books
, but like if we don't have thatpiece with presence, like
that's where the translation cancome through Right, and that's
where we can use our ownintuition, our own spirituality,
(18:21):
our own knowledge and synergizeall of those things.
Like it's in the present thatwe do that.
And so if we can practicepresence and just being in this
moment with our kids, no matterhow uncomfortable it is right,
no matter how joyful it is, justall of those things, we will
have what we need.
And so I would say, like yourpresence practice, as simple, it
(18:45):
sounds so simple, right, and soelementary, but just like I, I
started a mindfulness practice.
It's been.
I think my daughter was three orfour when I started my practice
and I was like meditate, youknow, like doing my meditation,
I would just sit on my next tomy bed before I went to bed,
before I said my prayers.
I would sit for two minutes andI would just like breathe for
(19:08):
two minutes and that was it.
I didn't have a lot of energybecause I was chasing like a
toddler around, right, like apreschooler, like I didn't have,
yeah, exactly, but that was mypractice, right.
So two minutes before bed atnight and two minutes after I
woke up in the morning, if Iwasn't like chasing someone
already at that time and thosetwo minutes, like morning and
(19:32):
night, have made like a world ofdifference in the way that,
like I, have been able to parentin the way our life is.
And it's again it's not to saywe've had some really, really
rough moments, right, but beingable to be present in the rough
moments is what has allowed myown intuition, my own like
wisdom, also like the wisdom ofthe universe, to find me when it
needed me and the educationthat I've garnered to be in that
(19:53):
moment with me.
But if I'm fighting the momentand not wanting to be in it and
just thinking I'm a failure andgoing to mess it up, those
things all keep me from presence.
Right, I'm fighting what is soas hard as some of those moments
are, and I hear, like I mean, II've been in some gut wrenching
moments, right, and they're.
It's rough to sit on that benchin those moments and also it's
(20:17):
the place where the magichappens oh, that sounds so
simple, but also I feel likeparents need a little bit of
simple sometimes because it's sohard.
You're, you're on Instagram andyou're seeing the 85 different
things that you're supposed todo as a parent and then you
(20:39):
start to compare yourself like,oh, I did, oh, oh, I reacted the
wrong way.
Oh, great, great, I, you know,I, I ruined them for life.
No, it's just.
There's just so much pressurethat we put on ourselves now,
because I was 10 years laterwith my kids, even though we're
the same age, grad school forlife, but it was.
I feel like there was so muchparenting advice out there, that
(21:01):
and online, so much that, yeah,it's just this bubble of
anxiety that can come up forparents.
One of the things that I reallyneeded around that time, and my
sister shared this tool with methat she had learned in grad
school because I was really hardon myself, like it took me a
long time to get my daughterhere and then, once she was here
, I really wanted to parent hergreat right, like I wanted to be
(21:23):
a model mother not, yeah,exactly Perfect, not necessarily
I just like, like had had spentso much time and energy hoping
for her that I wanted to doright by her.
Do you know what I mean?
And so my understanding of whatdo right by her means has
changed a lot in you know, the15 years almost 16 I've been
parenting her, and again I thinkit comes back to like, instead
(21:45):
of me having all the answers andknowing exactly what to do in
every situation, myunderstanding of do right by her
became like be present with herin the moment that we're in and
respond with compassion andacceptance to whatever we're
facing together in that moment,right, and that's a totally
different practice than mehaving this roadmap of, like how
(22:06):
life is going to go, how I'mgoing to do things, what the you
know what an expert said Ishould do, but me understanding
her.
But one of the the roadblocksfor me of doing that was my own
criticism of myself, right, soin that moment I'd be like if I
did something that I wasn'tcomfortable with, or I had, you
know, maybe had spoken to her ina way that I, you know, I
(22:26):
realized like, oh, that probablywasn't ideal or that was mean,
or, you know, I wasn't, I wasn'tas patient in that moment as I
should have been.
In those moments, I had to sitwith my discomfort, my
disappointment, my, you know,shame, you know whatever the
feeling was, and I had to justsit with it and process that,
simultaneously being presentwith her Right.
And so that's the shift that Ihad to make, and one of the
(22:48):
tools that really helped me wasthis tool my sister shared,
which is a thought river, andthe idea is that we all have,
like this river of thoughtsflowing through our heads and at
any moment we like often findourselves drowning in the river
right, like we are the thoughtand we're getting like battered
by whatever's coming down theriver.
And we.
We have the choice to like standup, it's not a very deep river.
(23:09):
Stand up and walk to the sideand sit on a rock and just watch
those thoughts float by andchoose the ones right that are
going to serve us.
Let the rest go.
So I had to become a realexpert at letting all the
self-deprecating thoughts godown the river because they
weren't serving me, they weren'tserving my daughter in that
moment, and it only took a smallamount of like regret about how
, like the tone I used or youknow something like that, for me
(23:32):
to acknowledge like I need areset right now or, oh, I need
to be a little bit.
You know, I need to do a redowith her.
So we would do a redo and I'dbe like, can I have a redo for
that?
And then, you know, we'd goback and kind of replay the
moment.
But in those moments I had to beletting, like, all of that
self-talk that was negative andthat was mean to myself be
(23:53):
floating away and let that notbe the thing I pulled out of the
river.
Right, like when my sisterfirst explained the tool to me,
she, her teacher, had said likea lot of times we're pulling the
dead pig out of the river andcarrying it around with us all
day long.
You know which is the starkimage, but it really does speak
to the kind of things that weoften stew on Right.
And if we can learn torecognize those thoughts that we
(24:15):
have about ourselves that arereally like off-putting or
really mean and not injudgmental about ourselves, we
recognize those, we can start tobe like oh, there's that one
again letting it go.
Oh, there's that one againletting it go, before in the
river getting whacked by thatthought over and over again and
we don't realize we have somelike a measure of control over
which thoughts we choose tobelieve and act on.
(24:35):
That's when we're stuck right.
Yeah, yeah, it's.
You know.
It's so interesting because, aswe've been talking about
parenting today, it can feelalmost like so much pressure,
but also speaking a differentlanguage for ourselves than what
we received as children andthat can put more pressure on
trying to accept ourselves forwho we are.
(24:55):
All of these pieces come in andthey kind of mold together, put
us in the thought river.
I love the thought river.
That's beautiful was thinkingwith the self-acceptance,
modeling that for our kids asparents and also trying to use
this new language that parentingcan feel like since we're
parented so different or we'reparenting different than we were
(25:17):
parented.
Oftentimes, along with thatjourney is so much healing, as a
parent too, looking at piecesof why we're not accepting
ourselves, why does it feel likewe're speaking a foreign
language and why is that sochallenging for us too.
So that was kind of where.
I was thinking of.
Yeah, no, I think that's such agreat point because in the Like,
(25:41):
in those moments again, this islike us being able to kind of
quickly determine or quickly andit's not quick at first, right
but like us being able todiscern how we're feeling.
A lot of that comes with theself acceptance, right, like if
we're afraid of the bench ofshame or we're afraid of the
bench of doing it differentlythan our parents did, and that
(26:02):
like uncertainty than ourparents did and that like
uncertainty Cause sometimes, youknow, we all have had a range
of experiences being parentedand sometimes it like we may be
like, well, the model they usedworked great for me and I'm
great Right, like things haveturned out and also I maybe want
something different.
Or we may be working from arange where we're like there
were quite a few things that didnot work for me, right.
(26:23):
Or that were really off putting,or really hard for me as a kid
those things I want to change.
Right, so it there's going to bea spectrum for all of us.
But I think the key in thosemoments is to recognize, like,
whatever's coming up for you,that's the self-acceptance
you're practicing in that moment, right, like that's the piece,
you're just letting that bethere and you're like, yes, it's
(26:43):
, you're not holding it under inyour emotion.
You know, like beach ball,you're just letting it come up
and you're feeling it.
And it's sometimes challenging,and sometimes you're maybe
needing to journal a little bitlater Cause you have a little
person in front of you thatyou're also trying to interact
with, and so you're like, okay,shame, I see you there.
I'm going to address you in asecond.
Right now, I'm going to try tohave compassion in this moment
for both of us, right, like forme and for the little face
(27:07):
sitting in front of me.
But I think, yeah, it's such agood point that we can.
We can be feeling all of thethings and simultaneously trying
to model a skill that we arelike kind of just grasping at in
terms of self-acceptance.
Yes, yes, that's so beautiful,it's so well said.
Thank you, lindsay, and I thinkI sidetracked a little bit, but
I loved what you were sharingat the beginning about some of
(27:29):
the mindful pieces.
What's another favorite mindfulpractice of yours for kids?
Yeah, so I definitely use thethought river like that.
I just described and kids canuse that too right.
And I'll have them draw.
So the kids that I coach, Imeet with some kids like one on
one every week and we kind ofpractice the tools and then I
send the parents an email and weupdate them on what we learned
(27:52):
and how they can practicetogether at home.
So one of the ways I teach theThought River is they all have a
mindfulness journal and we'lldo like a little collage.
So I send like fabric that'slike for some of it's the dirt
on the side of the river andsome of it's the river.
So you can do this at home.
Right, make yourself a thoughtriver artwork with your kiddo,
especially like, if it's if thesensory is off-putting, you
don't have to use that, but ifthe sensory is actually
(28:15):
supportive, that you know thatcan be a way to connect.
We'll make the rock on the sideof the river and then I use
these small post-its and we'lljust talk about some of the
thoughts that the kiddo has intheir river.
And a lot of times it's justlike parents right, it's like
I'm doing this wrong, I'm awful,I'll never figure this out.
I don't know why I even try.
(28:36):
You know, those are a lot ofthe things that are in their
river too.
And again as a parent.
When you're having thatconversation as a parent that's
hard to hear, right Like you'relistening to what your kid's
thinking about themselves, andyou're like, and your initial
reaction is like, what have Idone wrong?
Or like I'm such an you knowwhat I mean.
It's just natural, yeah, but wetake, we'll like, take it upon
(28:57):
ourselves to to own their river.
And really, again, in thatmoment, it's the self-compassion
for ourselves and our kids tobe like, hey, whatever's in your
river, we can work with it,right.
And that's the self-acceptancewhere, like, we can work with
any tendency, any thought, anyemotion, like we have the
resilience in our house to workwith that.
And so that's where we canstart to like, okay, what are
(29:19):
some other thoughts in yourriver?
And usually the most prominentones are like the dead pig
thoughts that are the thingsthat are holding you back, are
just awful, you know, and thoseare the things that stick out to
us the most.
But when we look at it, we'realso, like, you know, our kids
might say, like I'm, like I wishI was better friends with Amy,
or I think it would be fun tolearn to dance.
Or, you know, like I'm curiousabout dinosaurs.
(29:41):
Or you know, I'm wondering whatI'm going to play in my
basketball game this week.
You know, like what position orhow I'm going to.
And so, when we can, again, alot of times it is just those
few moments of sitting with thediscomfort of what's coming up
for them initially.
That get us, you know, bridgeus to the other things we could
focus on.
(30:01):
But if we don't have kind ofthe ability to sit on that bench
yet, that's okay too.
We can say something like canwe you know what?
I need a, I need a minute.
Can we revisit this, can we?
I really want to hear whatyou're saying.
Can we come back to this latertonight, you know, so we can
give ourselves a break then too.
But if we can sit with it, wecan also just recognize that,
like, if we can move throughthat little bit of discomfort,
(30:25):
we find like an amazing array ofother thoughts that are in
their river.
And those are the ones where,like okay, like noticing all
those things, what are some ofthe ones you want to take out?
Like what are some of thethoughts you want to carry
around with you?
And those are the things thatare going to be like I think I
could figure it out.
I've done this before.
Like I think if I try I can doit, or if I ask for help,
(30:50):
there's a way.
You know, those thoughts are allthere too.
They just don't get our big,you know, most of our attention,
and so, when we can sit withthe discomfort of hearing the
thoughts that are really holdingthem back, help them practice
and it's a practice right, likein our house.
We are still letting thoughtsgo down our thought river in a
lot of situations, but likethat's the reason we have them
(31:11):
in our house for so long, rightIs, one of the reasons is to
give them the opportunity towork through some of that stuff
while they're under our roof andwe can just love them so deeply
while they're doing it, andthen from there they can take
the practice on their own right.
So there's nothing wrong withyou if your kids are having
those thoughts.
That's actually like a momentwhere, like having a parent is
(31:32):
such a gift.
So beautifully said.
I love that.
Yeah, everybody experienceslife in a different way.
So, yeah, you never know what'sgoing to come out of their
river.
Yeah, for sure.
Thank you so much, lindsay.
It was a wonderful conversation.
I think our listeners will beso excited to have so many tools
and practices to put in ourpocket, and also just a little
(31:54):
self-love for parents, thismagical world we're raising our
kids in today.
Yeah, for sure.
Well, thank you so much forhaving me.
It's been so good to talk toyou and, again, I just have so
much respect for the work you'redoing in the world.
So thank you for the ways thatyou're making changes like
ripple out from your podcast.
Yes, I love talking andconnecting with other change
(32:15):
makers out there.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, thank you.
Well, that's a wrap.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
Change.
Makers.
This is Keri, and if youhaven't done a review for us,
five stars and a little fewwords about what you've enjoyed
in our podcast episodes, wewould really appreciate it.
If you guys would like to evermessage me, I would love any
(32:37):
questions you have or anyfeedback.
At info at hearttoheartlifecom,we also have a brand new
website which we're superexcited to share it's
hearttoheartlifecom.
We also have a brand newwebsite which we're super
excited to share it'shearttoheartlifecom.
Thanks so much for tuning inand happy life, happy times,
Changemaker families.
Bye.
If we can just be present in the moment that
we're in with our kids, like wecan have all the wisdom in the
world coming at us and we canhave all the knowledge and read
all the parenting books, butlike, if we don't have that
peace with presence, like that'swhere the translation can come
through Right and that's wherewe can use our own intuition,
our own spirituality, our ownknowledge and synergize all of
(00:23):
those things, like it's in thepresent that we do that.
And so if we can practicepresence and just being in this
moment with our kids, no matterhow uncomfortable it is right
and no matter how joyful it is,just all of those things, we
will have what we need.
And so I would say, like yourpresence practice, as simple, it
(00:44):
sounds so simple, right and soelementary, but just like I
started mindfulness practice,it's been.
I think my daughter was threeor four when I started my
practice and I was, like youknow, like doing my meditation.
Carrie Lingenfelter (01:05):
Hi Conscious Parents.
It's Keri here and I am herewith a little info about raising
our mindful kids.
I've got some tips and tricksabout breaking free of the box
and becoming who you are andteaching your kids how to do
that.
Along the way, join us.
Lindsay Miller (01:15):
Hi there and welcome back.
It's Keri, your friendly,intuitive mama here, and I'm so
excited I have a wonderful guesttoday.
She's somebody who also has apodcast going in a very similar
aligned mission.
I have Lindsay Miller here, whois a mindfulness kids coach and
she hosts the Stress Nannypodcast.
(01:35):
I'm so excited, lindsay.
Thanks so much for joining ustoday.
Keri, thanks so much for havingme.
Yeah, I can't wait for ourconversation me.
Yeah, I can't wait for ourconversation.
Yeah, so I'm.
It was so cool to run intosomebody who's also so dedicated
to helping kids on this mindfuljourney, helping parents on
this mindful journey.
I wanted to jump right in andask you what are some of your
(01:58):
favorite mindful practices thatyou like to share with other
parents to help kids?
So mindfulness tools for kiddos.
So and I love that you broughtparents and kids kind of into
the same space with both yourshow, you know, and your work,
because I think that that's sucha key element to teaching kids
mindfulness at home is therecognition that often as
(02:19):
parents, we're learningalongside our kiddos, right?
So if we can take ourmindfulness practice down to
like the basics, it reallysupports our own growth as well.
Right?
So, making it accessible forkids even as young as three or
four I know your kids are sixand nine right so having a
mindfulness practice that'saccessible to any range, it
(02:39):
really creates like such abeautiful space, because
mindfulness is so simple that itcan apply and support, you know
, folks of any age.
So us learning it on the levelwith our kids is such a
beautiful way to get into thebasics of a practice.
So I'm really glad you asked.
One of the things that I like tothink of right off the bat is a
(03:01):
tool by Becky Kennedy, and oneof the things she talks about is
like benches, the idea of eachemotion being a bench.
So if you imagine thisbeautiful park like, think of
Central Park or any park thatyou've been to just like a big,
wide, vast area with all thesedifferent, you know, sections to
it, different things to see,and it's like it's got benches
(03:23):
everywhere, right.
So like a bench over here underthis tree, a bench over by the
pond, a bench over by, like theplayground, and each bench
represents an emotion and, likethroughout our lives, our job is
to learn to sit on all thebenches.
So we need to be able to sitwith each emotion right, like in
a different space in our life,in different experiences, and so
(03:44):
when we look at the idea ofbenches as emotions, it's not as
scary, right.
We're like, oh, that littlepart, like that dark corner of
the park over there, that seemsa little creepy, where we might
feel a little fear on that benchright, it's just a part of the
park, and so if we can learn towalk to that part of the park
and be okay sitting there, thenwe learn to sit on that bench
(04:05):
and it's not as scary anymorebecause we're like, oh, we've
been on that bench, like it'sokay, there's some actually
really interesting stuff overthere, right, and as parents,
our role is to be able to sit onthe bench with our kids, right,
and a lot of times it can be sotricky because when we're
looking at the like, thesituation that they're in, we
might want to be like, let's goto this bench over here.
(04:26):
Like this bench seems like amuch easier or more fun or, you
know, just more comfortablespace for all of us.
Like, we don't, let's not goover there in the bench.
In like the shady part of theyou know, the park.
And I think that learning to siton all the benches with our
kids is such a beautifulmetaphor for mindfulness because
, as you know, throughout ourparenting journey, we're going
(04:48):
to find ourselves in a varietyof situations, and some of them
are ones we anticipate and someof them are ones that really are
invitations to something wenever would have chosen on our
own Right.
And so when our kids startsdarting off into this part of
the park where we're like, well,I don't even know what to do
here.
I've never been here before.
This is scary to me anduncertain.
Our inclination is going to beto pull them to one of the
(05:09):
benches that we're okay with.
But I find that in my ownparenting journey, and like in
in you know experiences withkids who are highly sensitive
they're taking us to all kindsof benches that we've never even
dreamed of Right.
And when we, when we can learnhow to trust, like and just be
able to sit with them on thatbench and our job isn't only to
(05:29):
sit be able to sit with themwhile they figure out what it's
like to be in that bench Then,like, it opens up so many
different opportunities for usto be a little more patient with
ourselves, to acknowledge andaccept with presence where our
kids are at.
So that would be the first one.
Along with that, I guess, beforewe go on to other ones.
I feel like that opens the doorfor the self-awareness or the
(05:51):
self-acceptance right, becauseif you're able to be on that
bench.
What are your thoughts on that?
Yeah, no, definitely, and Ithink you know, at least for me,
growing up, a lot of thosebenches were like taboo, a
little bit like don't you know.
At least for me, uh, growing up, a lot of those benches were
like taboo, a little bit likedon't you know.
And my parents are great andthey did the best that they
could and they did, you know,the best with what they had at
(06:15):
the time.
But, like in a, in a societywith an emerging sense of
emotional intelligence, we're,we're just invited to to
understand emotions a littledifferently, right, and so when
I was little, like going ontothe benches where it was sad or
you were mad, or maybe you werestewing in some grief for a
while, those were benches thatwere kind of like stop, maybe we
don't want our kids to go there.
That wasn't a bench that I wasmaybe taught to sit in
(06:37):
comfortably, and so now as anadult, I'm learning to go to
those benches.
Life is inviting me, in avariety of situations, to go to
those benches and really getokay with sitting there.
And it's it's entailed, you know, like what you just said,
sitting with like this kind ofdisconnect and a little bit of
dissonance between, like thisbench being wrong, this bench
(07:00):
being bad, this bench being likeoff limits, or you know like
something inherently not okayabout it To me, just having like
a sense of like this is a benchin the park, all the benches
are equally, you know like.
It's just life, right, theemotions are just a part of life
, and so when we can acknowledgeand recognize our own humanity
(07:22):
in those moments by justaccepting, like the fact that,
like me, being on the loss, sadgrief bench for a while, it
doesn't mean something's wrongwith me, it doesn't mean
something hasn't you know likeI've made a choice that somehow
you know like made it so that Ihad to sit here, or it like
there's not a part of judgment.
You know like about sitting inthat bench anymore where I had
(07:44):
to work through that you know,for quite a while, be like if
I'm on this bench that means Idid something wrong, when it
just actually means that I'mhuman.
I was thinking.
There's a lot of people thathave mentioned when their kiddos
are going through differentphases.
Maybe three, I feel like, waskind of a bubble of
hypersensitivity in our houseAge six was kind of six and a
(08:05):
half was kind of a bubble of itagain and our kiddos can become
very hypersensitive.
Do you have any ideas abouttrying to keep our kids in the
positive version of theself-awareness if they're having
meltdowns a lot or these typeof or sometimes it's anger and
they react toward you in a wayand then later on they're saying
(08:27):
I'm a bad kid like what areyour?
thoughts on those pieces yeah,the such again great awareness
right about the seasons in lifewhere, like sometimes we just
find ourselves in these momentswhere it just feels like
everything all at once and it'sa lot right.
One of the things that I thinkwas key for me, like in my own
parenting journey and then alsojust as an individual wandering
(08:49):
around in this world, was therecognition that in moments when
we're feeling something strong,or when our kiddo is feeling
something strong and we'reeither kind of attuned to it
really deeply or we're justtrying to figure out how to work
with it, is like understandingthat, like we can feel the thing
and then choose how we movethrough it.
(09:12):
And I think, for for kids,that's for adults I think that's
a novel concept, but for kids,as they're learning to like,
feel all these big things rightEspecially kids who tend toward
more sensitivity right, like asthey're feeling so much, being
able to like, feel that and thenmove through is kind of like
the practice that we work onwith the kids that I work with.
(09:35):
So I have here like a beachball, so one of the activities I
do with the kids is like aemotion beach ball, and so we
talk about, like in moments whenwe're feeling a lot of things.
It's kind of like we're fillingour beach ball, right, and
we're it's getting bigger andbigger and bigger.
And in those episodes wherethat emotion just kind of like
pops out of the water, it'sbecause, like over time, if any
(09:57):
of us try to hold a beach ballunderwater for long enough,
right, it's going to pop upsomewhere.
And a lot of times it's wherewe don't expect it or don't want
it to be or don't?
You know all of those things.
And so with kids, like we justnormalize.
For for me at least, what I doa lot with kids is I normalize
and I say like hey, any humanright, Like you're sitting in a
(10:19):
pool, imagine that feeling right, like I'm trying to hold that
beach ball underwater.
Somebody comes along and bumpsyou, somebody jumps in and the
water shifts.
You know like any small changein the circumstance can create a
scenario where that beach balljust flies out of the water,
usually like waxes in the faceon the way up right and like hit
somebody else and they get mad.
So I think of those moments inthat way where we have like, if
(10:43):
we're holding those big emotionsdown and just trying to like
keep them contained all the time, there are going to be moments
when they pop up.
But if we can learn to workwith the emotion as it arises
and as it comes up and movethrough it, that's when we can
be letting air out of our beachball and making it a little bit
easier to manage.
So first, normalizing for me isalways the big one, because I
(11:06):
never want kids to feel like,like feeling something is bad or
feeling something is going tobe, um, like getting in their
way, like we talk about it morelike a tendency.
So your tendency is to feelthings deeply, my tendency is to
feel things deeply.
My tendency is to feel thingsdeeply, like our tendency here
(11:28):
is to feel things deeply.
And so if, if that's thetendency, then we just need some
tools to figure out how to workwith that tendency, like if
that's how our brain works,that's how this beautiful body
that we have works, that's howour spirit is kind of taking in
the world.
Those are all like inherent toour journey through life, right,
and so, for a kid, I don't wantthem to turn that off, yeah,
(11:49):
right, cause that's going to bethe way that they interpret and
move through the world and findthe things that are resonant for
them.
But as a mom, it's superchallenging, right To be in
those moments and to be like,wow, that was a lot all at once.
And, like your, yoursensitivity to all the things is
, you know, like it's somethingwe need to work with and manage.
So the beach ball we, one ofthe ways we let let air out of
the beach ball.
(12:09):
We, we like breathe, right,obviously.
So I have a lot of differentbreathing exercises, whether
it's like heart, belly breath,where we have one hand up here,
one hand on our belly, and we'rebreathing.
We'll do box breath, we'll justdo like a four count inhale and
an eight count exhale to try tolike study the nervous system
so we can process and thennaming the emotion.
(12:33):
I love um Lindsay Braman's work.
She has a like an emotionsensation wheel that she uses
and I have used that with myclients and it's.
She had just developed one forkids and so it has emojis as
part of it so you can look at itlike you can.
You know it has words but alsoemojis.
So in those moments where theemotion is so big that we're
(12:55):
feeling a disconnect from ourlogical brain, we can use the
emojis to just like this, it'sthis, it's this you know.
So naming it first, normalizingit, then naming it and then
having the awareness around,like for my specific mind, my
specific body, what are thetools that support me when I'm
feeling something that's reallybig and it's not about like when
(13:17):
I say, move through it.
We don't always have controlover how fast that process is
right, like there are someinstances where we can be a
little more intentional and somewhere we ride, ride it out,
right.
But I think in the moments whenwe are like needing to take
extra good care of ourselvesbecause we're feeling something
deeply, those are the things welike we teach our kids right,
(13:39):
like what are the things youneed when you're feeling
something really deep?
Do you need, like that, youknow, soft blanket of yours?
Do you need you know, like,what are some of the things for
your kids that they use whenthey're feeling something deep?
Yeah, Some I tried weightedblankets.
That was not one, but we havelike cozy corners.
We have beanbags and cozyblankets, lava lamps, swings,
(14:00):
trampolines.
We have lots of movement orcozy cozy it's.
I really try to follow whatthey're in that mood for.
Yeah, I love that and I thinklike one of the things that, at
least for me, when my daughterwas younger, when I felt like
this, like that she just had adifferent orientation to the
world than I did and there werethings she took in at a level
(14:20):
that was different than what Iwas accustomed to.
I remember thinking likefeeling like I needed to and I
think you've made it throughthis much quicker than I did but
like make, make, make it alittle bit more like mainstream
for her, like help her acclimateto the things other people did.
You know, or help her figureout how to be okay in this
situation.
And then I got to the pointwhere I was like, actually she's
(14:43):
not okay in this situation, soI'm going to change the
situation.
You know, yeah, you know.
And so I think that likehonoring and working with those
tendencies.
I remember, when she was young,feeling like I might be doing
her a disservice because, likeshe had to live in the real
world and I didn't know whatthat would look like.
You know, like kind of helpingher with this awareness at a
(15:04):
young age.
And I've just recently beenthinking about how grateful I am
to myself and my support circlefor supporting my efforts to
like help her know herself.
She's 15.
She's almost 16.
And so seeing what that lookslike you know, like 10 years
down the road, like there are somany things I would have said
(15:24):
to myself back then about likeyou know how this is going to
turn out.
Like it feels so scary rightnow because this is a different
way of parenting than maybeyou've seen, or different than
what other people are doing, orit feels like is this really
going to serve in the long run,you know, but it's been so
beautiful to me to kind of lookback and see those tiny spaces
(15:44):
where we practice theself-acceptance right and we
practice like these are yourtendencies, let's figure out how
to work with them, and we kindof just tuned in with a lot of
self-awareness, as highlysensitive kids have to.
Like what is going on right nowand what do you need in this
moment, and like theaccumulative effect of that over
the years has just it's left mein awe of, like the person that
(16:07):
she's becoming.
That's so beautiful, okay.
So it's left me in awe of, likethe person that that she's
becoming.
That's so beautiful, okay.
So then, what would you tell usif we're like the next?
Era back right With the youngergeneration right now.
What would you tell parents?
Yeah, Well, I think, I think oneof the I mean one of the most
challenging things that I knowwe were going to get to this,
but I think one of the mostchallenging things about
parenting in modern life is justlike this complete inundation
(16:32):
of information.
Right Like there are so manyways to be a great parent right
now, right, whereas, like youknow, I just wasn't there, just,
and I'm only like I'm 44.
Right, and so I think, even backwhen my daughter was little we
were just talking the other dayand I was like I think I got my
first iPhone when she was like18 months or, you know, it was
(16:54):
around the age of two and so, ifwe think about that trajectory
and just like the information Ihad access to when she was
little, it was much differentthan you know what what parents
of young kids have access to now.
Even just those couple of yearsmade a huge difference.
Right, that's true.
And so.
I yeah, so I think that no, no.
(17:15):
So I think that, like, havingthe information on how to do
something can sometimes be superoverwhelming, because you have
this expert telling you this andthis expert telling you this
and this expert telling you this, or, like you, you're trying to
remember, like what was thatthing I was supposed to do, or
how was I supposed to be in thismoment, you know?
Or like what was that phrase?
It can be so overwhelming,right, to look at all of the
(17:39):
input on how to do it correctlyor how to do it the right way,
and then to feel like you needto translate it immediately into
the moment that you're in.
And so it's one of the reasonsI love mindfulness and why it's
one, why I'm passionate aboutsharing it with families is
because, like, we're not goingto go wrong with presence, right
(18:00):
, like if we can just be presentin the moment that we're in
with our kids.
Like we can have all the wisdomin the world coming at us and
we can have all the knowledgeand read all coming at us, and
we can have all the knowledgeand read all the parenting books
, but like if we don't have thatpiece with presence, like
that's where the translation cancome through Right, and that's
where we can use our ownintuition, our own spirituality,
(18:21):
our own knowledge and synergizeall of those things.
Like it's in the present thatwe do that.
And so if we can practicepresence and just being in this
moment with our kids, no matterhow uncomfortable it is right,
no matter how joyful it is, justall of those things, we will
have what we need.
And so I would say, like yourpresence practice, as simple, it
(18:45):
sounds so simple, right, and soelementary, but just like I, I
started a mindfulness practice.
It's been.
I think my daughter was three orfour when I started my practice
and I was like meditate, youknow, like doing my meditation,
I would just sit on my next tomy bed before I went to bed,
before I said my prayers.
I would sit for two minutes andI would just like breathe for
(19:08):
two minutes and that was it.
I didn't have a lot of energybecause I was chasing like a
toddler around, right, like apreschooler, like I didn't have,
yeah, exactly, but that was mypractice, right.
So two minutes before bed atnight and two minutes after I
woke up in the morning, if Iwasn't like chasing someone
already at that time and thosetwo minutes, like morning and
(19:32):
night, have made like a world ofdifference in the way that,
like I, have been able to parentin the way our life is.
And it's again it's not to saywe've had some really, really
rough moments, right, but beingable to be present in the rough
moments is what has allowed myown intuition, my own like
wisdom, also like the wisdom ofthe universe, to find me when it
needed me and the educationthat I've garnered to be in that
(19:53):
moment with me.
But if I'm fighting the momentand not wanting to be in it and
just thinking I'm a failure andgoing to mess it up, those
things all keep me from presence.
Right, I'm fighting what is soas hard as some of those moments
are, and I hear, like I mean, II've been in some gut wrenching
moments, right, and they're.
It's rough to sit on that benchin those moments and also it's
(20:17):
the place where the magichappens oh, that sounds so
simple, but also I feel likeparents need a little bit of
simple sometimes because it's sohard.
You're, you're on Instagram andyou're seeing the 85 different
things that you're supposed todo as a parent and then you
(20:39):
start to compare yourself like,oh, I did, oh, oh, I reacted the
wrong way.
Oh, great, great, I, you know,I, I ruined them for life.
No, it's just.
There's just so much pressurethat we put on ourselves now,
because I was 10 years laterwith my kids, even though we're
the same age, grad school forlife, but it was.
I feel like there was so muchparenting advice out there, that
(21:01):
and online, so much that, yeah,it's just this bubble of
anxiety that can come up forparents.
One of the things that I reallyneeded around that time, and my
sister shared this tool with methat she had learned in grad
school because I was really hardon myself, like it took me a
long time to get my daughterhere and then, once she was here
, I really wanted to parent hergreat right, like I wanted to be
(21:23):
a model mother not, yeah,exactly Perfect, not necessarily
I just like, like had had spentso much time and energy hoping
for her that I wanted to doright by her.
Do you know what I mean?
And so my understanding of whatdo right by her means has
changed a lot in you know, the15 years almost 16 I've been
parenting her, and again I thinkit comes back to like, instead
(21:45):
of me having all the answers andknowing exactly what to do in
every situation, myunderstanding of do right by her
became like be present with herin the moment that we're in and
respond with compassion andacceptance to whatever we're
facing together in that moment,right, and that's a totally
different practice than mehaving this roadmap of, like how
(22:06):
life is going to go, how I'mgoing to do things, what the you
know what an expert said Ishould do, but me understanding
her.
But one of the the roadblocksfor me of doing that was my own
criticism of myself, right, soin that moment I'd be like if I
did something that I wasn'tcomfortable with, or I had, you
know, maybe had spoken to her ina way that I, you know, I
(22:26):
realized like, oh, that probablywasn't ideal or that was mean,
or, you know, I wasn't, I wasn'tas patient in that moment as I
should have been.
In those moments, I had to sitwith my discomfort, my
disappointment, my, you know,shame, you know whatever the
feeling was, and I had to justsit with it and process that,
simultaneously being presentwith her Right.
And so that's the shift that Ihad to make, and one of the
(22:48):
tools that really helped me wasthis tool my sister shared,
which is a thought river, andthe idea is that we all have,
like this river of thoughtsflowing through our heads and at
any moment we like often findourselves drowning in the river
right, like we are the thoughtand we're getting like battered
by whatever's coming down theriver.
And we.
We have the choice to like standup, it's not a very deep river.
(23:09):
Stand up and walk to the sideand sit on a rock and just watch
those thoughts float by andchoose the ones right that are
going to serve us.
Let the rest go.
So I had to become a realexpert at letting all the
self-deprecating thoughts godown the river because they
weren't serving me, they weren'tserving my daughter in that
moment, and it only took a smallamount of like regret about how
, like the tone I used or youknow something like that, for me
(23:32):
to acknowledge like I need areset right now or, oh, I need
to be a little bit.
You know, I need to do a redowith her.
So we would do a redo and I'dbe like, can I have a redo for
that?
And then, you know, we'd goback and kind of replay the
moment.
But in those moments I had to beletting, like, all of that
self-talk that was negative andthat was mean to myself be
(23:53):
floating away and let that notbe the thing I pulled out of the
river.
Right, like when my sisterfirst explained the tool to me,
she, her teacher, had said likea lot of times we're pulling the
dead pig out of the river andcarrying it around with us all
day long.
You know which is the starkimage, but it really does speak
to the kind of things that weoften stew on Right.
And if we can learn torecognize those thoughts that we
(24:15):
have about ourselves that arereally like off-putting or
really mean and not injudgmental about ourselves, we
recognize those, we can start tobe like oh, there's that one
again letting it go.
Oh, there's that one againletting it go, before in the
river getting whacked by thatthought over and over again and
we don't realize we have somelike a measure of control over
which thoughts we choose tobelieve and act on.
(24:35):
That's when we're stuck right.
Yeah, yeah, it's.
You know.
It's so interesting because, aswe've been talking about
parenting today, it can feelalmost like so much pressure,
but also speaking a differentlanguage for ourselves than what
we received as children andthat can put more pressure on
trying to accept ourselves forwho we are.
(24:55):
All of these pieces come in andthey kind of mold together, put
us in the thought river.
I love the thought river.
That's beautiful was thinkingwith the self-acceptance,
modeling that for our kids asparents and also trying to use
this new language that parentingcan feel like since we're
parented so different or we'reparenting different than we were
(25:17):
parented.
Oftentimes, along with thatjourney is so much healing, as a
parent too, looking at piecesof why we're not accepting
ourselves, why does it feel likewe're speaking a foreign
language and why is that sochallenging for us too.
So that was kind of where.
I was thinking of.
Yeah, no, I think that's such agreat point because in the Like,
(25:41):
in those moments again, this islike us being able to kind of
quickly determine or quickly andit's not quick at first, right
but like us being able todiscern how we're feeling.
A lot of that comes with theself acceptance, right, like if
we're afraid of the bench ofshame or we're afraid of the
bench of doing it differentlythan our parents did, and that
(26:02):
like uncertainty than ourparents did and that like
uncertainty Cause sometimes, youknow, we all have had a range
of experiences being parentedand sometimes it like we may be
like, well, the model they usedworked great for me and I'm
great Right, like things haveturned out and also I maybe want
something different.
Or we may be working from arange where we're like there
were quite a few things that didnot work for me, right.
(26:23):
Or that were really off putting,or really hard for me as a kid
those things I want to change.
Right, so it there's going to bea spectrum for all of us.
But I think the key in thosemoments is to recognize, like,
whatever's coming up for you,that's the self-acceptance
you're practicing in that moment, right, like that's the piece,
you're just letting that bethere and you're like, yes, it's
(26:43):
, you're not holding it under inyour emotion.
You know, like beach ball,you're just letting it come up
and you're feeling it.
And it's sometimes challenging,and sometimes you're maybe
needing to journal a little bitlater Cause you have a little
person in front of you thatyou're also trying to interact
with, and so you're like, okay,shame, I see you there.
I'm going to address you in asecond.
Right now, I'm going to try tohave compassion in this moment
for both of us, right, like forme and for the little face
(27:07):
sitting in front of me.
But I think, yeah, it's such agood point that we can.
We can be feeling all of thethings and simultaneously trying
to model a skill that we arelike kind of just grasping at in
terms of self-acceptance.
Yes, yes, that's so beautiful,it's so well said.
Thank you, lindsay, and I thinkI sidetracked a little bit, but
I loved what you were sharingat the beginning about some of
(27:29):
the mindful pieces.
What's another favorite mindfulpractice of yours for kids?
Yeah, so I definitely use thethought river like that.
I just described and kids canuse that too right.
And I'll have them draw.
So the kids that I coach, Imeet with some kids like one on
one every week and we kind ofpractice the tools and then I
send the parents an email and weupdate them on what we learned
(27:52):
and how they can practicetogether at home.
So one of the ways I teach theThought River is they all have a
mindfulness journal and we'lldo like a little collage.
So I send like fabric that'slike for some of it's the dirt
on the side of the river andsome of it's the river.
So you can do this at home.
Right, make yourself a thoughtriver artwork with your kiddo,
especially like, if it's if thesensory is off-putting, you
don't have to use that, but ifthe sensory is actually
(28:15):
supportive, that you know thatcan be a way to connect.
We'll make the rock on the sideof the river and then I use
these small post-its and we'lljust talk about some of the
thoughts that the kiddo has intheir river.
And a lot of times it's justlike parents right, it's like
I'm doing this wrong, I'm awful,I'll never figure this out.
I don't know why I even try.
(28:36):
You know, those are a lot ofthe things that are in their
river too.
And again as a parent.
When you're having thatconversation as a parent that's
hard to hear, right Like you'relistening to what your kid's
thinking about themselves, andyou're like, and your initial
reaction is like, what have Idone wrong?
Or like I'm such an you knowwhat I mean.
It's just natural, yeah, but wetake, we'll like, take it upon
(28:57):
ourselves to to own their river.
And really, again, in thatmoment, it's the self-compassion
for ourselves and our kids tobe like, hey, whatever's in your
river, we can work with it,right.
And that's the self-acceptancewhere, like, we can work with
any tendency, any thought, anyemotion, like we have the
resilience in our house to workwith that.
And so that's where we canstart to like, okay, what are
(29:19):
some other thoughts in yourriver?
And usually the most prominentones are like the dead pig
thoughts that are the thingsthat are holding you back, are
just awful, you know, and thoseare the things that stick out to
us the most.
But when we look at it, we'realso, like, you know, our kids
might say, like I'm, like I wishI was better friends with Amy,
or I think it would be fun tolearn to dance.
Or, you know, like I'm curiousabout dinosaurs.
(29:41):
Or you know, I'm wondering whatI'm going to play in my
basketball game this week.
You know, like what position orhow I'm going to.
And so, when we can, again, alot of times it is just those
few moments of sitting with thediscomfort of what's coming up
for them initially.
That get us, you know, bridgeus to the other things we could
focus on.
(30:01):
But if we don't have kind ofthe ability to sit on that bench
yet, that's okay too.
We can say something like canwe you know what?
I need a, I need a minute.
Can we revisit this, can we?
I really want to hear whatyou're saying.
Can we come back to this latertonight, you know, so we can
give ourselves a break then too.
But if we can sit with it, wecan also just recognize that,
like, if we can move throughthat little bit of discomfort,
(30:25):
we find like an amazing array ofother thoughts that are in
their river.
And those are the ones where,like okay, like noticing all
those things, what are some ofthe ones you want to take out?
Like what are some of thethoughts you want to carry
around with you?
And those are the things thatare going to be like I think I
could figure it out.
I've done this before.
Like I think if I try I can doit, or if I ask for help,
(30:50):
there's a way.
You know, those thoughts are allthere too.
They just don't get our big,you know, most of our attention,
and so, when we can sit withthe discomfort of hearing the
thoughts that are really holdingthem back, help them practice
and it's a practice right, likein our house.
We are still letting thoughtsgo down our thought river in a
lot of situations, but likethat's the reason we have them
(31:11):
in our house for so long, rightIs, one of the reasons is to
give them the opportunity towork through some of that stuff
while they're under our roof andwe can just love them so deeply
while they're doing it, andthen from there they can take
the practice on their own right.
So there's nothing wrong withyou if your kids are having
those thoughts.
That's actually like a momentwhere, like having a parent is
(31:32):
such a gift.
So beautifully said.
I love that.
Yeah, everybody experienceslife in a different way.
So, yeah, you never know what'sgoing to come out of their
river.
Yeah, for sure.
Thank you so much, lindsay.
It was a wonderful conversation.
I think our listeners will beso excited to have so many tools
and practices to put in ourpocket, and also just a little
(31:54):
self-love for parents, thismagical world we're raising our
kids in today.
Yeah, for sure.
Well, thank you so much forhaving me.
It's been so good to talk toyou and, again, I just have so
much respect for the work you'redoing in the world.
So thank you for the ways thatyou're making changes like
ripple out from your podcast.
Yes, I love talking andconnecting with other change
(32:15):
makers out there.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, thank you.
Well, that's a wrap.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
Change.
Makers.
This is Keri, and if youhaven't done a review for us,
five stars and a little fewwords about what you've enjoyed
in our podcast episodes, wewould really appreciate it.
If you guys would like to evermessage me, I would love any
(32:37):
questions you have or anyfeedback.
At info at hearttoheartlifecom,we also have a brand new
website which we're superexcited to share it's
hearttoheartlifecom.
We also have a brand newwebsite which we're super
excited to share it'shearttoheartlifecom.
Thanks so much for tuning inand happy life, happy times,
Changemaker families.
Bye.
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