Ever been told you're "too sensitive" or wondered why parenting feels so overwhelming? You might be among the 20-30% of people born with the highly sensitive person (HSP) trait. In this illuminating conversation with Lisa Lewis, licensed therapist and holistic practitioner, we unpack what it means to parent as an HSP—and possibly raise HSP children.
Lisa introduces us to Dr. Elaine Aaron's DOES framework, which helps explain why highly sensitive people process deeply, become easily overstimulated, demonstrate strong empathy, and notice subtleties others miss. We explore how these traits shape our parenting approach, often leading to perfectionism and exhaustion as we absorb not just our own emotions but everyone else's too.
The perfectionist tendencies many HSPs develop often begin in childhood—HSP children instinctively try to make everything "perfect" when they sense tension or conflict, sacrificing their own emotional expression in the process. As parents, we might recreate these patterns, striving for perfect environments and experiences for our children while depleting ourselves.
What makes this episode truly transformative are the practical energy management techniques shared. From visualizing protective boundaries with "this is me and that is you" mantras to teaching even young children how to protect their energy with simple visualizations, these tools offer immediate relief for overwhelmed HSP parents. The qigong practice of "shaking it off"—similar to how animals naturally reset their nervous systems after stress—provides another accessible way to release absorbed tension.
Ready to transform your sensitivity from a burden into your parenting superpower? This conversation offers compassion, validation, and practical wisdom for the highly sensitive parent's journey. Your sensitivity isn't a weakness—it's a gift that, when properly managed, allows you to parent with extraordinary insight and connection.
Quiz time! Take my new Spiritual Parent Vibe quiz and meet your magical type:
https://www.tryinteract.com/share/quiz/683e320bf64af70015fae432
New! Conscious Family Travels Channel on YouTube with Carrie:
https://www.youtube.com/@consciousfamilytravels
Connect with Carrie:
*Website: https://hearttoheartlife.com/
*Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespiritualparent
*YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheSpiritualParent
*Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/people/The-Spiritual-Parent/61554482625081
*Email: info@hearttoheartlife.com
**Please remember that the information shared on this podcast is educational in nature and does not constitute licensed mental health advice. If you need such advice, you should speak with a licensed professional about your unique situation. Thanks so much happy listeners.
© 2024-2025 Heart to Heart Life LLC
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Lisa Lewis (00:00):
And this is where the perfectionism can come in,
especially in our childhood.
If we're noticing, if you're anHSP child and you're noticing
in your family of origin yourparents there's conflict or your
parents for not getting along,you, as that HSP kid is going to
(00:23):
try to make everything okay,and not that anyone's asking you
to do that.
This is just who you are.
So you may be trying to makedad happy and trying to make mom
happy.
You're going to be that kidthat does everything perfectly.
You don't get in trouble, youdon't talk back, you don't.
You just do everything thateveryone tells you to do,
(00:45):
perfectly Right, and that is ata loss for you.
You don't take it to be a kid.
Carrie Lingenfelter (00:51):
Hi conscious parents.
It's Carrie here and I am herewith a little info about raising
our mindful kids.
I've got some tips and tricksabout breaking free of the box
and becoming who you are andteaching your kids how to do
that along the way.
Join us Hi there and welcomeback.
I have a wonderful guest today.
I have Lisa Lewis here.
She's a licensed therapist andholistic practitioner.
(01:13):
Thank you, Lisa, for being heretoday.
I'm so excited to have you.
Lisa Lewis (01:17):
Well, thank you, Keri.
Thank you for having me ontoday.
I'm excited to be here too.
Carrie Lingenfelter (01:22):
Yeah, it's so lovely to connect with
somebody who works with highlysensitive people.
I feel like that is a diamondin the rough.
I don't know if many people.
It's a growing area, so I'mreally excited to connect with
you and talk about that.
I was sharing with you that, asa highly sensitive parent, as
I'm online actually I didn'tshare this part, but as I'm
(01:45):
online a lot and talking toother parents and connecting
with other parents I'm findingso many parents are exhausted
trying to get through day to dayto day and they're talking
about how overwhelming it canfeel having a highly sensitive
kiddo.
So I often will say have youthought about looking into
highly sensitive parent, highlysensitive person?
(02:05):
Have you looked into this?
What are your thoughts on thatarea?
Lisa Lewis (02:08):
Well, those are great questions and I always
direct anyone to Dr ElaineAaron's website hspersoncom,
because she has the self-test tosee if you can take the test
for free and you don't have tosign up for anything like that
to see if you can take the testfor free and there's, you don't
have to sign up for anythinglike that to see if you are a
(02:29):
highly sensitive person.
And I think it comes back toespecially for parents and
whether your children are HSPsor not, is to know yourself
first and to know yourself firstso you know how to navigate
yourself, and then knowing howto navigate your children and
then finding out about who yourchildren are, whether you have
(02:51):
one kid, two kids, three kids,because they're all different
and they all have differentneeds.
I have three children, childrenmyself that are young adults and
I mean I know so much more nowthat I did as a parent parenting
my kids, and part of that isbecause I became a therapist
(03:15):
during their childhood and so Ifeel like I didn't know anything
.
Now I know so much and I'm like, wow, I wish I could go back
and do it all over.
I think probably every parentsays that, and that's okay,
cause each person, I think, hastheir own journey and path in
this life, and, as a parent,whether you're at HSP or not,
(03:37):
teaching your children how to bean adult in this life, and like
we were the only like mammalswho have children for as long as
we do, and like 18 years iswhat that, that magic number is
All of a sudden, you're now anadult, and so teaching them as
(04:00):
best that we can how to be anadult in this world best that we
can.
Carrie Lingenfelter (04:08):
How to be an adult in this world.
Yeah yeah, that's true, at 18years is a long time to think
about, and when you talk aboutknowing yourself, you and I had
chatted briefly before westarted about perfectionism.
I was sharing that my husbandand I are all type A, highly
educated, and so we like toresearch parenting and
understanding our kids, and itcan definitely lead to a
perfectionist piece in theparenting realm and then being
(04:32):
highly sensitive as well, highlysensitive parents, it
definitely can lead towardwanting to keep everything
perfect in our kids' lives orperfect in their environment.
Lisa Lewis (04:46):
Yes, and I think I was or I don't.
I don't think I am as muchanymore a perfectionist, but I
can definitely identify as beinga perfectionist as a child
myself and also into theparenting and wanting to provide
, like, a perfect environmentfor my children.
And I think, like I think, allparents to some degree want to
(05:11):
provide an insular environmentfor their kids so they don't get
hurt, they don't get beat up,whether it's, you know, by
another kid or by a grown up, orby words or whatever it is like
.
We don't want to see ourchildren hurt in any way and
that's not how life works andthat to like provide tools for
(05:33):
them so they know how tonavigate and pick themselves
back up.
And also that, whether you're aperfectionist or not, that
coming back to a family whocares about you and loves you,
that you can show emotionalsupport.
So then they can go back out inthe world, whether they're six
years old, 16 years old, 26years old, and know like, hey, I
(05:55):
know how to navigate this orI'm learning how to navigate
what's coming at me or towardsme, because I have a family
that's raised me as best thatthey can and given me tools to
help do that.
Carrie Lingenfelter (06:09):
Are there pieces, too, that can come up as
we notice?
These perfection pieces as aparent Are there?
Are those like opportunity?
I think of those asopportunities for healing,
growing, learning.
Is that like when thechallenges arise and things
aren't going perfectly?
I feel like so often as aparent, that can be a time where
(06:30):
we can tune in and look for inourselves what we're, what we're
wanting to change or needing toheal.
What are your ideas?
Lisa Lewis (06:38):
So I know for me as a perfectionist and wanting like
to help my children, that Ithink I took away learning
opportunities for them to growas a child.
And I think it's not becauseand something that I necessarily
(06:58):
did, I think, was theenvironment that I was in, and
it even goes to like the basicsof like where I lived, the
neighborhood I lived in and nothaving access to other children
nearby, like I had to plan likeplaydates.
And so then planning playdatesis like okay, I talked to the
other parent Are they going tobe home?
Are they available?
(07:19):
Okay, when can I drop them offor when can they come?
The other parent Are they goingto be home?
Are they available?
Okay, when can I drop them off,or when can they come over and
when are they going to be pickedup?
So there's like all these movingparts to help my kid have like
a normal life or normalchildhood experiencing with
other children, but also that asa parent having to do that,
(07:40):
help with that, or maybe evenwhen I was growing up I didn't
have that.
I just like, hey, this is wherewe live, you have to go out and
find kids in the neighborhoodand you have to find a way to
get there or they come, you know, come to us.
So I think that there is andyou know this generation there
is is a huge difference in thatthat we're laying out or trying
(08:04):
to make it so easy for our kidsor having the same things that
we wanted as a kid, but there'sall these other moving parts and
steps that are taking place andit's eating up so much time.
So I'm not sure that evenanswered your question, but
that's where the question tookme.
Carrie Lingenfelter (08:22):
Okay, yeah, my husband and I definitely try
to emulate the news is what wealways joke about for raising
our kids, because that was whenwe grew up and it was
pre-internet era, I think.
We had computers and someinternet, but it wasn't like in
your tablet or phone.
So we tried to emulate that.
But you're right, even ifyou're trying to emulate that,
(08:42):
your kids are.
There are other kids out thereon phones and social media and
having all of these differentballs of busy families, both
parents oftentimes having towork nowadays.
So these busy schedules that weall have, it's not like Johnny
can walk next door and ask Susieto play as often as what you're
(09:03):
explaining in a more simpletime.
Lisa Lewis (09:06):
Yeah, yeah, and I guess I think that's beautifully
said.
A simple time and I wish thatit doesn't feel like parenting
is always that simple.
How come it's not simple?
Are we making it not simple orsociety not making it simple?
Is electronics, all thesedevices that we all own, not
(09:28):
making it simple?
Carrie Lingenfelter (09:31):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.
There's so many balls rotateballs to keep in the air as a
parent and trying to make all ofthese decisions.
As far as for highly sensitiveparents, if they're feeling
these moments of overwhelm orsuch, what would be some ideas?
Do you have any ideas forparents going through this right
(09:54):
now?
Lisa Lewis (09:55):
Yeah.
So I like to use Dr Lane's,aaron's acronym does D-O-E-S to
explain what highly sensitiveperson's experience the first
one, d, and now I'm forgettingit depth of processing.
So, as a highly sensitiveperson and you might even find
(10:17):
this in your children like welove to have deep conversations.
The surface level conversationsdon't cut it for us.
So if we even become uh closeto talking to people, that if,
if we find someone that can goreally deep, even like deep as
(10:38):
you know, let's talk about howthe world started, how, how, how
come we're all here?
What does that mean?
What is the purpose of life?
Like we found our people.
And you can even find this inyour children.
And just like the things thatthey're reading, the things that
they talk about, and when youstart to notice that about your
children, especially if youthink there are sense that their
(10:59):
h is p's and you start to bringthat out in them, it's like
whoa, like just hold on to yourseat, because it's going to be a
lot of information coming out.
Excuse me, the O stands foroverstimulation.
So this is when we can getoverstimulated, overwhelmed in
our environment and that couldjust be like by lights, sounds,
(11:23):
having a chaotic, chaoticenvironment and being in large
crowds like maybe a no, or justfor short periods of time, so
watching out that for yourselfor for your children, how they
respond or react in large crowds.
This is when you see yourself,or maybe your children, needing
(11:44):
to stand back like at the edgeand just watch first before they
engage or participate.
Like even if you think aboutyourself going to a party, do
you like to be on the perimeterjust checking out, getting the
lay of the land, or are you likemore, like no, you just jump
right in, you just start talkingto whoever you you know is
(12:06):
right in front of your face.
Okay, so the e is theempathetic part, the caring part
, and this is where we have tobe careful, because this is
where we see the people pleasingover giving of ourselves,
wanting to take care of others,and this is where the
(12:28):
perfectionism can come in,especially in our, in our
childhood.
We're uh, we're noticing ifyou're an hSP child and you're
noticing in your family oforigin, your parents there's
conflict, or your parents fornot getting along you as that
(12:49):
HSP kid is going to try to makeeverything okay, and not that
anyone's asking you to do that.
This is just who you are.
So you may be trying to makedad happy and trying to make mom
happy.
You're going to be that kidthat does everything perfectly.
You don't get in trouble, youdon't talk back, you don't.
(13:09):
You just do everything thateveryone tells you to do,
perfectly right, and that is ata loss for you.
You don't get to be a, youdon't get to grow up and make
mistakes and have tantrums andcrying because there's no room
or you think there's no room foryou to express yourself.
(13:30):
And then the S is forsensitivity to subtleties, and
these are that the HSPs notice,all those nonverbal cues they
pick up.
You just walked into a room like, oh wow, there was a, there was
a fight going on here, there'ssomething uncomfortable about
about it.
You pick up all of thesesubtleties and this is where
(13:50):
that also that sense ofoverwhelm comes in,
overstimulated because you'relike noticing everything and it
doesn't feel like you even haveskin on, and then you're just
like flooded, not showing whatto do.
And then you go into, like afreeze response or a fight
response, that survival mode,and usually it's just more of
(14:14):
overstimulation and you start toshut down and you start to
isolate, withdraw.
You may even see this with yourkids, especially if they go to
school and then when they comehome they're just like they just
need to be by themselves tolike recharge.
So that's one of the thingsthat HSPs as adults, you need to
(14:34):
go inward, have time to be withyourself, kind of like let go
of all that, what's happenedduring the day, whether you're
at work, whether you're atschool, and just like, whew,
that was a lot.
And sometimes that being a lotis I need to take a nap and I
need that ability to rechargemyself.
Carrie Lingenfelter (14:56):
Yeah, yeah, wow.
It's so interesting.
As an HSP, I feel like my wholeentire life.
Everybody has always told me tojournal and at the end of the
day, sometimes I just want tolay down and not, you know, be
in a quiet, calming cornerwatching some really bad TV,
just checked out and picking upa journal was often a lot of
work, so it's so interesting howmany times it's been brought to
(15:18):
my attention.
I'd say like 15 times in mylife.
People have mentioned it to me.
If you are not interested injournaling, what's a great way
to release at the end of the day?
Lisa Lewis (15:29):
Well, I was a energy healing practitioner and also
Reiki certified, and I juststarted doing Qigong again,
which is a you do all of those.
Yeah, oh, you do all those.
Yeah, I love it.
So my teacher, dr Maria Ferlano, who I love and she's like it's
(15:53):
called shaking the bones youjust get up and you just shake,
you just shake it, shake it off,and you just shake for a couple
minutes, five minutes, or youcan shake like a tree and you're
just shaking like a tree.
And if you do this with yourkids, do them with them, right.
And if you think about mammalsin the wild, when they are being
(16:17):
chased right, they run away orthey freeze, play dead, and then
, when they're when theenvironment is safe, again like
what is the first thing they do?
They shake it off.
So they shake it off, they'rerewiring their nervous system
and they go back to what theywere doing.
(16:37):
They were grazing or they werehanging out with each other,
grooming each other, right.
And that's one thing, likehumans, we don't do.
We haven't learned how to shakeit off yeah, right and if we
look at hsps, which there are 20to 30 percent of the population
right, and this is not a mentalhealth disorder.
(16:59):
It's something that we're bornwith.
It's an innate personality.
Carrie Lingenfelter (17:03):
Personality Okay.
Lisa Lewis (17:05):
Yeah, it's part of who we are.
We can't like get rid of it,even though we want to get rid
of it or we wish we could getrid of it.
But we are 20 to 30 percent ofthe population, half men, half
women, and our, our purpose isto be on the perimeter and our
purpose is to have thosesensitivities because we are
(17:29):
looking out for danger.
So we're our herd mentality.
Oh, there's danger, we have toalert the herd, to run to hide,
to freeze, whatever that is.
So that's what, that's who weare, and then it's whether our
(17:50):
society, like I, haven't livedin other cultures, other
countries right where it is moreacceptable to be sensitive as a
man or a woman, and in ourculture here in the us it's not
and it's hard for hsp to feellike they fit in.
And you may find in your wholelife, where do I fit in, where
(18:12):
do I belong?
And I'm not feeling like Ibelong anywhere.
And that comes back to well.
If you're HSP as a parent, asan adult and you have HSP, it's
like maybe it's just your.
Carrie Lingenfelter (18:25):
Where you belong is just right there in
your nuclear family wow, I can'timagine growing up in a culture
where HSP was just part of thenorm.
Right, it was just, it wasn'tlike.
I feel like in our society,sometimes in the American
culture, we want to label it orwe want to, I don't know.
(18:47):
We want to find the thingswrong with it, like you said,
like you can't get rid of it.
Find the things wrong with it,like you said, like you can't
get rid of it.
I think in our house we areidentifying with highly
sensitive and I'm looking toempower myself, my husband and
my kids as HSPs.
So we're talking about it as asuperpower, we're using it as a
(19:11):
mindset of the superpower.
Like I can read the energy of aroom when I walk into it.
I can walk into a space andtell if a cat has been there,
because my nose is reallysensitive.
I can, you know, I can helppeople when they're feeling
really down.
So that's, that's beensomething that we've been
(19:31):
working with our kids andempowering them in that.
I know, as a HSP, when I grewup, I put on so many layers of
protection, going through lifeand telling, being told I was
too sensitive or, um, you know,being too emotional or um,
needing to focus all of thosethings, or being a high
(19:51):
maintenance kid right, not beingallowed to be a high
maintenance kid, having to shutit off.
Shut off the emotions like afaucet.
So, yeah, we're looking toempower.
I think that's really importantfor all of us going through
this right now.
And along the lines ofempowering, I've also been
teaching my kids about energy.
We use a lot of vocabularyaround it.
(20:11):
I know my kids, so I have aalmost seven-year-old daughter
and almost 10-year-old son andthey're in a socially,
emotionally focused school.
So it's really cool.
They get a lot of greatvocabulary in those areas.
Energy is something that I'vebeen teaching them because I
noticed like my daughter will betalking to somebody and I was
saying some of the topicssounded very heavy on her heart
(20:34):
and so I started teaching herabout energy.
And if somebody is telling me astory and I'm feeling it in my
body and it's feeling reallyintense, I'm going to monitor.
Am I walking away feeling sad?
Am I walking away feeling tired, like I need to be holed up in
a little space?
How am I feeling in that moment?
So that's something I've workedon with my kids.
Have you found anything thatworks for you?
Lisa Lewis (20:56):
That's great, carrie .
I love that and I think, wow,you are like one of the like to
be doing this with theirchildren and I want to say kudos
to you and I hope that you canreach a lot of parents to help
their children.
And I also, like I just want tosay something just before we go
on to the energy work, just tolike as a protection for, for
(21:21):
your, for hsps, like having thevocabulary about hsps and not
everyone knows about hsps in theworld and it's not like it's
their fault.
Also, they have, like,different language when we're
out in the world where peoplemaybe a more common language
(21:41):
where people may understand it,and then when you're in your
group of people that understandhsp vocabulary, to use that.
But as a protection for you,that when you're out in the
world, especially as you grow upand go out in the world, not
everyone's going to get it ormaybe even like it, and so now
knowing how to navigate that foryourself, just as a as a
(22:06):
protection, yeah, and then goingto the like the energy side of
it.
What I've learned, whether it'sdoing energy healing, reiki, any
kind of energy modality is tohave your energetic boundary
like your bubble that surroundsyou and to know what your energy
(22:31):
feels like compared to somebodyelse's energy, and that
learning that differentiation iswhat helps us navigate.
Oh wait, I'm feeling that in myheart, is that actually me I'm
feeling Is that me, or is thatsomeone else's pain or suffering
I'm feeling, or whatever it is,anger, yeah, right.
(22:54):
And because, as energy magnetsI want to say HSPs, because
that's what we're born to doright, the skin, like sometimes
we don't feel, like we have anyskin to take in, like I'll just
hold that pain for you, I'llhold that suffering for you, and
then it gets so convoluted andthen we can't decide like, oh,
(23:14):
wow, like is, is that me, or isthat them, or is that you?
Well, I don't know.
So now I just feel overwhelmed,I feel tired, I feel sick, and
then I'm drained and then boom,we're out.
So it's learning like I'm gonnahave my energetic boundary and
that is like this and I justlove to do my hands in front of
(23:36):
me, like having that bubblearound me.
Some people think of a teflonshield.
Whatever you want to, whateverimage works for you, and
whatever comes at me justbounces off of me or bounces off
of my boundary and falls to theground and then like and then
(23:56):
the phrase is like this is meand that is you, this is me and
that is you, and I can be hereas grounded, centered,
open-hearted, while you are overthere, and you can be mad,
angry, sad, whatever's going on,and like okay, that's not going
(24:18):
to affect me or I don't need tohold that or take it in, but I
can let you be you while I be me.
And I think that if we canteach our children how to do
that, like whew, wow.
Carrie Lingenfelter (24:32):
Yeah, and we can.
They have the ability.
My six-year-old.
I taught my kids on the way outthe door to school we do a
white light spiraling around usand then a gold light spiraling
around us, and then I taughtthem to say positive energy only
, no negative energy allowed.
And so now I'll say white andgold light and then they'll
recite it and they'll picture it.
(24:52):
It's really cute.
And so when I had taught mydaughter about the energy work,
she was in a situation at schoolwhere there was a kiddo that
was going through a lot and waskind of just dropping this on my
six-year-old daughter and shesaid mom, I felt that and I felt
that it was making me sad and Iwas picking it up.
So I did the white and goldlight and I said the saying and
(25:16):
it helped me, mom.
So you know the six-year-olds,they can do it, we can teach
them.
It's finding the language andthe tools and the way to word it
for them.
Like you broke it down.
I love the.
This is me and that is you,especially as a highly sensitive
parent because, you know, beinga former speech therapist and
(25:36):
teacher and also Reikipractitioner, healer, I want to
take it all on for them whenthey're having a meltdown
because their socks they don'tlike the lining of the socks,
they don't like the way the snowpants feel.
I just want to heal it and fixit for them, and it can be very,
very draining to go throughthree of those meltdowns a day.
(25:56):
So the this is me, that is you.
I'm definitely thinking that'swonderful for parents to hear
too.
Lisa Lewis (26:04):
Well, thank you, yeah, and I love that, and I
love that example that you gave.
And so it's okay that if youdon't get it perfect or you, you
have your own meltdown becauseyou are human, right and you're
trying your best too.
And sometimes, as parents and Iwant to say especially moms,
because we are, I feel like wedo a lot, we do, we try to do
(26:26):
everything because we're tryingto make everybody happy in our
family and sometimes we losethat, our sense of ourself.
And if we're not givinganything to us and it's really
hard to show up as ourselves orbe our best self, and if we
can't be our best self or giveto ourselves, how can we expect
(26:46):
to really give to anybody else,including our own family or kids
or our partners?
Carrie Lingenfelter (26:53):
Yeah, I appreciate you saying that,
because I think so many of us,especially at the perfectionist
piece, we think that the perfectmom is always energized, always
ready, always compassionate andable to give and receive and be
present with their child.
But yeah, it definitely.
You definitely need therecharging time, so I appreciate
(27:14):
it and the compassion forourselves when we do have our
own meltdown moments as well.
I love that.
I was going to ask you one lastquestion and you kind of
touched on some of this.
But what would you tell parentsraising these kiddos today?
Lisa Lewis (27:29):
That they're doing a great job, yeah, and to remind
yourself, even if you don't hearit, even if no one tells you
that, to tell yourself thatyou're doing a great job with
the information and the job thatyou have chosen to do.
And some days are harder thanothers, and sometimes you may
(28:05):
want some gratitude, somerecognition, and you don't get
it.
And not to take it out onanyone, but find that
recognition and gratitudesomeplace else in your life.
I think that's part of thegiving to yourself doing
(28:26):
something in your life thatbrings you happiness and joy
other than your family, whetherit's doing something creative
singing, dancing, whatever thatis for you, try to do it and
have that sense of recognition,appreciation for yourself,
because that also models to yourchildren like, oh, wow, like,
yeah, like mom is doingsomething for herself and look
(28:49):
how important she is to herself.
And then then the your childrenlearn like, okay, parents,
adults need time to themselvestoo.
Right, and I can be okay withanother parent or babysitter.
Yep.
Carrie Lingenfelter (29:10):
Yep, that's beautiful.
It's been so lovely having youon today, lisa.
Thank you so much for your timeand your energy.
Well, thank you, carrie, it'sbeen so lovely having you on
today.
Lisa, thank you so much foryour time and your energy.
Lisa Lewis (29:17):
Well, thank you, Carrie.
It's been wonderful to talk toyou and you're so easy to talk
with and I appreciate you and Iappreciate what you're bringing
to the world and how you'retrying to help other parents
navigate this world as a parent.
Carrie Lingenfelter (29:35):
Perfect.
Thank you so much.
Well, that's a wrap.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
Changemakers.
This is Keri, and if youhaven't done a review for us,
five stars and a little fewwords about what you've enjoyed
in our podcast episodes, wewould really appreciate it.
If you guys would like to evermessage me, I would love any
questions you have or anyfeedback.
(29:55):
At info at heart to heartlifecom, we also have a brand
new website which we're superexcited to share.
It's heart to heart lifecom.
Thanks so much for tuning inand happy life.
Happy times.
Change maker families.
Bye.
And this is where the perfectionism can come in,
especially in our childhood.
If we're noticing, if you're anHSP child and you're noticing
in your family of origin yourparents there's conflict or your
parents for not getting along,you, as that HSP kid is going to
(00:23):
try to make everything okay,and not that anyone's asking you
to do that.
This is just who you are.
So you may be trying to makedad happy and trying to make mom
happy.
You're going to be that kidthat does everything perfectly.
You don't get in trouble, youdon't talk back, you don't.
You just do everything thateveryone tells you to do,
(00:45):
perfectly Right, and that is ata loss for you.
You don't take it to be a kid.
Carrie Lingenfelter (00:51):
Hi conscious parents.
It's Carrie here and I am herewith a little info about raising
our mindful kids.
I've got some tips and tricksabout breaking free of the box
and becoming who you are andteaching your kids how to do
that along the way.
Join us Hi there and welcomeback.
I have a wonderful guest today.
I have Lisa Lewis here.
She's a licensed therapist andholistic practitioner.
(01:13):
Thank you, Lisa, for being heretoday.
I'm so excited to have you.
Lisa Lewis (01:17):
Well, thank you, Keri.
Thank you for having me ontoday.
I'm excited to be here too.
Carrie Lingenfelter (01:22):
Yeah, it's so lovely to connect with
somebody who works with highlysensitive people.
I feel like that is a diamondin the rough.
I don't know if many people.
It's a growing area, so I'mreally excited to connect with
you and talk about that.
I was sharing with you that, asa highly sensitive parent, as
I'm online actually I didn'tshare this part, but as I'm
(01:45):
online a lot and talking toother parents and connecting
with other parents I'm findingso many parents are exhausted
trying to get through day to dayto day and they're talking
about how overwhelming it canfeel having a highly sensitive
kiddo.
So I often will say have youthought about looking into
highly sensitive parent, highlysensitive person?
(02:05):
Have you looked into this?
What are your thoughts on thatarea?
Lisa Lewis (02:08):
Well, those are great questions and I always
direct anyone to Dr ElaineAaron's website hspersoncom,
because she has the self-test tosee if you can take the test
for free and you don't have tosign up for anything like that
to see if you can take the testfor free and there's, you don't
have to sign up for anythinglike that to see if you are a
(02:29):
highly sensitive person.
And I think it comes back toespecially for parents and
whether your children are HSPsor not, is to know yourself
first and to know yourself firstso you know how to navigate
yourself, and then knowing howto navigate your children and
then finding out about who yourchildren are, whether you have
(02:51):
one kid, two kids, three kids,because they're all different
and they all have differentneeds.
I have three children, childrenmyself that are young adults and
I mean I know so much more nowthat I did as a parent parenting
my kids, and part of that isbecause I became a therapist
(03:15):
during their childhood and so Ifeel like I didn't know anything
.
Now I know so much and I'm like, wow, I wish I could go back
and do it all over.
I think probably every parentsays that, and that's okay,
cause each person, I think, hastheir own journey and path in
this life, and, as a parent,whether you're at HSP or not,
(03:37):
teaching your children how to bean adult in this life, and like
we were the only like mammalswho have children for as long as
we do, and like 18 years iswhat that, that magic number is
All of a sudden, you're now anadult, and so teaching them as
(04:00):
best that we can how to be anadult in this world best that we
can.
Carrie Lingenfelter (04:08):
How to be an adult in this world.
Yeah yeah, that's true, at 18years is a long time to think
about, and when you talk aboutknowing yourself, you and I had
chatted briefly before westarted about perfectionism.
I was sharing that my husbandand I are all type A, highly
educated, and so we like toresearch parenting and
understanding our kids, and itcan definitely lead to a
perfectionist piece in theparenting realm and then being
(04:32):
highly sensitive as well, highlysensitive parents, it
definitely can lead towardwanting to keep everything
perfect in our kids' lives orperfect in their environment.
Lisa Lewis (04:46):
Yes, and I think I was or I don't.
I don't think I am as muchanymore a perfectionist, but I
can definitely identify as beinga perfectionist as a child
myself and also into theparenting and wanting to provide
, like, a perfect environmentfor my children.
And I think, like I think, allparents to some degree want to
(05:11):
provide an insular environmentfor their kids so they don't get
hurt, they don't get beat up,whether it's, you know, by
another kid or by a grown up, orby words or whatever it is like
.
We don't want to see ourchildren hurt in any way and
that's not how life works andthat to like provide tools for
(05:33):
them so they know how tonavigate and pick themselves
back up.
And also that, whether you're aperfectionist or not, that
coming back to a family whocares about you and loves you,
that you can show emotionalsupport.
So then they can go back out inthe world, whether they're six
years old, 16 years old, 26years old, and know like, hey, I
(05:55):
know how to navigate this orI'm learning how to navigate
what's coming at me or towardsme, because I have a family
that's raised me as best thatthey can and given me tools to
help do that.
Carrie Lingenfelter (06:09):
Are there pieces, too, that can come up as
we notice?
These perfection pieces as aparent Are there?
Are those like opportunity?
I think of those asopportunities for healing,
growing, learning.
Is that like when thechallenges arise and things
aren't going perfectly?
I feel like so often as aparent, that can be a time where
(06:30):
we can tune in and look for inourselves what we're, what we're
wanting to change or needing toheal.
What are your ideas?
Lisa Lewis (06:38):
So I know for me as a perfectionist and wanting like
to help my children, that Ithink I took away learning
opportunities for them to growas a child.
And I think it's not becauseand something that I necessarily
(06:58):
did, I think, was theenvironment that I was in, and
it even goes to like the basicsof like where I lived, the
neighborhood I lived in and nothaving access to other children
nearby, like I had to plan likeplaydates.
And so then planning playdatesis like okay, I talked to the
other parent Are they going tobe home?
Are they available?
(07:19):
Okay, when can I drop them offor when can they come?
The other parent Are they goingto be home?
Are they available?
Okay, when can I drop them off,or when can they come over and
when are they going to be pickedup?
So there's like all these movingparts to help my kid have like
a normal life or normalchildhood experiencing with
other children, but also that asa parent having to do that,
(07:40):
help with that, or maybe evenwhen I was growing up I didn't
have that.
I just like, hey, this is wherewe live, you have to go out and
find kids in the neighborhoodand you have to find a way to
get there or they come, you know, come to us.
So I think that there is andyou know this generation there
is is a huge difference in thatthat we're laying out or trying
(08:04):
to make it so easy for our kidsor having the same things that
we wanted as a kid, but there'sall these other moving parts and
steps that are taking place andit's eating up so much time.
So I'm not sure that evenanswered your question, but
that's where the question tookme.
Carrie Lingenfelter (08:22):
Okay, yeah, my husband and I definitely try
to emulate the news is what wealways joke about for raising
our kids, because that was whenwe grew up and it was
pre-internet era, I think.
We had computers and someinternet, but it wasn't like in
your tablet or phone.
So we tried to emulate that.
But you're right, even ifyou're trying to emulate that,
(08:42):
your kids are.
There are other kids out thereon phones and social media and
having all of these differentballs of busy families, both
parents oftentimes having towork nowadays.
So these busy schedules that weall have, it's not like Johnny
can walk next door and ask Susieto play as often as what you're
(09:03):
explaining in a more simpletime.
Lisa Lewis (09:06):
Yeah, yeah, and I guess I think that's beautifully
said.
A simple time and I wish thatit doesn't feel like parenting
is always that simple.
How come it's not simple?
Are we making it not simple orsociety not making it simple?
Is electronics, all thesedevices that we all own, not
(09:28):
making it simple?
Carrie Lingenfelter (09:31):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.
There's so many balls rotateballs to keep in the air as a
parent and trying to make all ofthese decisions.
As far as for highly sensitiveparents, if they're feeling
these moments of overwhelm orsuch, what would be some ideas?
Do you have any ideas forparents going through this right
(09:54):
now?
Lisa Lewis (09:55):
Yeah.
So I like to use Dr Lane's,aaron's acronym does D-O-E-S to
explain what highly sensitiveperson's experience the first
one, d, and now I'm forgettingit depth of processing.
So, as a highly sensitiveperson and you might even find
(10:17):
this in your children like welove to have deep conversations.
The surface level conversationsdon't cut it for us.
So if we even become uh closeto talking to people, that if,
if we find someone that can goreally deep, even like deep as
(10:38):
you know, let's talk about howthe world started, how, how, how
come we're all here?
What does that mean?
What is the purpose of life?
Like we found our people.
And you can even find this inyour children.
And just like the things thatthey're reading, the things that
they talk about, and when youstart to notice that about your
children, especially if youthink there are sense that their
(10:59):
h is p's and you start to bringthat out in them, it's like
whoa, like just hold on to yourseat, because it's going to be a
lot of information coming out.
Excuse me, the O stands foroverstimulation.
So this is when we can getoverstimulated, overwhelmed in
our environment and that couldjust be like by lights, sounds,
(11:23):
having a chaotic, chaoticenvironment and being in large
crowds like maybe a no, or justfor short periods of time, so
watching out that for yourselfor for your children, how they
respond or react in large crowds.
This is when you see yourself,or maybe your children, needing
(11:44):
to stand back like at the edgeand just watch first before they
engage or participate.
Like even if you think aboutyourself going to a party, do
you like to be on the perimeterjust checking out, getting the
lay of the land, or are you likemore, like no, you just jump
right in, you just start talkingto whoever you you know is
(12:06):
right in front of your face.
Okay, so the e is theempathetic part, the caring part
, and this is where we have tobe careful, because this is
where we see the people pleasingover giving of ourselves,
wanting to take care of others,and this is where the
(12:28):
perfectionism can come in,especially in our, in our
childhood.
We're uh, we're noticing ifyou're an hSP child and you're
noticing in your family oforigin, your parents there's
conflict, or your parents fornot getting along you as that
(12:49):
HSP kid is going to try to makeeverything okay, and not that
anyone's asking you to do that.
This is just who you are.
So you may be trying to makedad happy and trying to make mom
happy.
You're going to be that kidthat does everything perfectly.
You don't get in trouble, youdon't talk back, you don't.
(13:09):
You just do everything thateveryone tells you to do,
perfectly right, and that is ata loss for you.
You don't get to be a, youdon't get to grow up and make
mistakes and have tantrums andcrying because there's no room
or you think there's no room foryou to express yourself.
(13:30):
And then the S is forsensitivity to subtleties, and
these are that the HSPs notice,all those nonverbal cues they
pick up.
You just walked into a room like, oh wow, there was a, there was
a fight going on here, there'ssomething uncomfortable about
about it.
You pick up all of thesesubtleties and this is where
(13:50):
that also that sense ofoverwhelm comes in,
overstimulated because you'relike noticing everything and it
doesn't feel like you even haveskin on, and then you're just
like flooded, not showing whatto do.
And then you go into, like afreeze response or a fight
response, that survival mode,and usually it's just more of
(14:14):
overstimulation and you start toshut down and you start to
isolate, withdraw.
You may even see this with yourkids, especially if they go to
school and then when they comehome they're just like they just
need to be by themselves tolike recharge.
So that's one of the thingsthat HSPs as adults, you need to
(14:34):
go inward, have time to be withyourself, kind of like let go
of all that, what's happenedduring the day, whether you're
at work, whether you're atschool, and just like, whew,
that was a lot.
And sometimes that being a lotis I need to take a nap and I
need that ability to rechargemyself.
Carrie Lingenfelter (14:56):
Yeah, yeah, wow.
It's so interesting.
As an HSP, I feel like my wholeentire life.
Everybody has always told me tojournal and at the end of the
day, sometimes I just want tolay down and not, you know, be
in a quiet, calming cornerwatching some really bad TV,
just checked out and picking upa journal was often a lot of
work, so it's so interesting howmany times it's been brought to
(15:18):
my attention.
I'd say like 15 times in mylife.
People have mentioned it to me.
If you are not interested injournaling, what's a great way
to release at the end of the day?
Lisa Lewis (15:29):
Well, I was a energy healing practitioner and also
Reiki certified, and I juststarted doing Qigong again,
which is a you do all of those.
Yeah, oh, you do all those.
Yeah, I love it.
So my teacher, dr Maria Ferlano, who I love and she's like it's
(15:53):
called shaking the bones youjust get up and you just shake,
you just shake it, shake it off,and you just shake for a couple
minutes, five minutes, or youcan shake like a tree and you're
just shaking like a tree.
And if you do this with yourkids, do them with them, right.
And if you think about mammalsin the wild, when they are being
(16:17):
chased right, they run away orthey freeze, play dead, and then
, when they're when theenvironment is safe, again like
what is the first thing they do?
They shake it off.
So they shake it off, they'rerewiring their nervous system
and they go back to what theywere doing.
(16:37):
They were grazing or they werehanging out with each other,
grooming each other, right.
And that's one thing, likehumans, we don't do.
We haven't learned how to shakeit off yeah, right and if we
look at hsps, which there are 20to 30 percent of the population
right, and this is not a mentalhealth disorder.
(16:59):
It's something that we're bornwith.
It's an innate personality.
Carrie Lingenfelter (17:03):
Personality Okay.
Lisa Lewis (17:05):
Yeah, it's part of who we are.
We can't like get rid of it,even though we want to get rid
of it or we wish we could getrid of it.
But we are 20 to 30 percent ofthe population, half men, half
women, and our, our purpose isto be on the perimeter and our
purpose is to have thosesensitivities because we are
(17:29):
looking out for danger.
So we're our herd mentality.
Oh, there's danger, we have toalert the herd, to run to hide,
to freeze, whatever that is.
So that's what, that's who weare, and then it's whether our
(17:50):
society, like I, haven't livedin other cultures, other
countries right where it is moreacceptable to be sensitive as a
man or a woman, and in ourculture here in the us it's not
and it's hard for hsp to feellike they fit in.
And you may find in your wholelife, where do I fit in, where
(18:12):
do I belong?
And I'm not feeling like Ibelong anywhere.
And that comes back to well.
If you're HSP as a parent, asan adult and you have HSP, it's
like maybe it's just your.
Carrie Lingenfelter (18:25):
Where you belong is just right there in
your nuclear family wow, I can'timagine growing up in a culture
where HSP was just part of thenorm.
Right, it was just, it wasn'tlike.
I feel like in our society,sometimes in the American
culture, we want to label it orwe want to, I don't know.
(18:47):
We want to find the thingswrong with it, like you said,
like you can't get rid of it.
Find the things wrong with it,like you said, like you can't
get rid of it.
I think in our house we areidentifying with highly
sensitive and I'm looking toempower myself, my husband and
my kids as HSPs.
So we're talking about it as asuperpower, we're using it as a
(19:11):
mindset of the superpower.
Like I can read the energy of aroom when I walk into it.
I can walk into a space andtell if a cat has been there,
because my nose is reallysensitive.
I can, you know, I can helppeople when they're feeling
really down.
So that's, that's beensomething that we've been
(19:31):
working with our kids andempowering them in that.
I know, as a HSP, when I grewup, I put on so many layers of
protection, going through lifeand telling, being told I was
too sensitive or, um, you know,being too emotional or um,
needing to focus all of thosethings, or being a high
(19:51):
maintenance kid right, not beingallowed to be a high
maintenance kid, having to shutit off.
Shut off the emotions like afaucet.
So, yeah, we're looking toempower.
I think that's really importantfor all of us going through
this right now.
And along the lines ofempowering, I've also been
teaching my kids about energy.
We use a lot of vocabularyaround it.
(20:11):
I know my kids, so I have aalmost seven-year-old daughter
and almost 10-year-old son andthey're in a socially,
emotionally focused school.
So it's really cool.
They get a lot of greatvocabulary in those areas.
Energy is something that I'vebeen teaching them because I
noticed like my daughter will betalking to somebody and I was
saying some of the topicssounded very heavy on her heart
(20:34):
and so I started teaching herabout energy.
And if somebody is telling me astory and I'm feeling it in my
body and it's feeling reallyintense, I'm going to monitor.
Am I walking away feeling sad?
Am I walking away feeling tired, like I need to be holed up in
a little space?
How am I feeling in that moment?
So that's something I've workedon with my kids.
Have you found anything thatworks for you?
Lisa Lewis (20:56):
That's great, carrie .
I love that and I think, wow,you are like one of the like to
be doing this with theirchildren and I want to say kudos
to you and I hope that you canreach a lot of parents to help
their children.
And I also, like I just want tosay something just before we go
on to the energy work, just tolike as a protection for, for
(21:21):
your, for hsps, like having thevocabulary about hsps and not
everyone knows about hsps in theworld and it's not like it's
their fault.
Also, they have, like,different language when we're
out in the world where peoplemaybe a more common language
(21:41):
where people may understand it,and then when you're in your
group of people that understandhsp vocabulary, to use that.
But as a protection for you,that when you're out in the
world, especially as you grow upand go out in the world, not
everyone's going to get it ormaybe even like it, and so now
knowing how to navigate that foryourself, just as a as a
(22:06):
protection, yeah, and then goingto the like the energy side of
it.
What I've learned, whether it'sdoing energy healing, reiki, any
kind of energy modality is tohave your energetic boundary
like your bubble that surroundsyou and to know what your energy
(22:31):
feels like compared to somebodyelse's energy, and that
learning that differentiation iswhat helps us navigate.
Oh wait, I'm feeling that in myheart, is that actually me I'm
feeling Is that me, or is thatsomeone else's pain or suffering
I'm feeling, or whatever it is,anger, yeah, right.
(22:54):
And because, as energy magnetsI want to say HSPs, because
that's what we're born to doright, the skin, like sometimes
we don't feel, like we have anyskin to take in, like I'll just
hold that pain for you, I'llhold that suffering for you, and
then it gets so convoluted andthen we can't decide like, oh,
(23:14):
wow, like is, is that me, or isthat them, or is that you?
Well, I don't know.
So now I just feel overwhelmed,I feel tired, I feel sick, and
then I'm drained and then boom,we're out.
So it's learning like I'm gonnahave my energetic boundary and
that is like this and I justlove to do my hands in front of
(23:36):
me, like having that bubblearound me.
Some people think of a teflonshield.
Whatever you want to, whateverimage works for you, and
whatever comes at me justbounces off of me or bounces off
of my boundary and falls to theground and then like and then
(23:56):
the phrase is like this is meand that is you, this is me and
that is you, and I can be hereas grounded, centered,
open-hearted, while you are overthere, and you can be mad,
angry, sad, whatever's going on,and like okay, that's not going
(24:18):
to affect me or I don't need tohold that or take it in, but I
can let you be you while I be me.
And I think that if we canteach our children how to do
that, like whew, wow.
Carrie Lingenfelter (24:32):
Yeah, and we can.
They have the ability.
My six-year-old.
I taught my kids on the way outthe door to school we do a
white light spiraling around usand then a gold light spiraling
around us, and then I taughtthem to say positive energy only
, no negative energy allowed.
And so now I'll say white andgold light and then they'll
recite it and they'll picture it.
(24:52):
It's really cute.
And so when I had taught mydaughter about the energy work,
she was in a situation at schoolwhere there was a kiddo that
was going through a lot and waskind of just dropping this on my
six-year-old daughter and shesaid mom, I felt that and I felt
that it was making me sad and Iwas picking it up.
So I did the white and goldlight and I said the saying and
(25:16):
it helped me, mom.
So you know the six-year-olds,they can do it, we can teach
them.
It's finding the language andthe tools and the way to word it
for them.
Like you broke it down.
I love the.
This is me and that is you,especially as a highly sensitive
parent because, you know, beinga former speech therapist and
(25:36):
teacher and also Reikipractitioner, healer, I want to
take it all on for them whenthey're having a meltdown
because their socks they don'tlike the lining of the socks,
they don't like the way the snowpants feel.
I just want to heal it and fixit for them, and it can be very,
very draining to go throughthree of those meltdowns a day.
(25:56):
So the this is me, that is you.
I'm definitely thinking that'swonderful for parents to hear
too.
Lisa Lewis (26:04):
Well, thank you, yeah, and I love that, and I
love that example that you gave.
And so it's okay that if youdon't get it perfect or you, you
have your own meltdown becauseyou are human, right and you're
trying your best too.
And sometimes, as parents and Iwant to say especially moms,
because we are, I feel like wedo a lot, we do, we try to do
(26:26):
everything because we're tryingto make everybody happy in our
family and sometimes we losethat, our sense of ourself.
And if we're not givinganything to us and it's really
hard to show up as ourselves orbe our best self, and if we
can't be our best self or giveto ourselves, how can we expect
(26:46):
to really give to anybody else,including our own family or kids
or our partners?
Carrie Lingenfelter (26:53):
Yeah, I appreciate you saying that,
because I think so many of us,especially at the perfectionist
piece, we think that the perfectmom is always energized, always
ready, always compassionate andable to give and receive and be
present with their child.
But yeah, it definitely.
You definitely need therecharging time, so I appreciate
(27:14):
it and the compassion forourselves when we do have our
own meltdown moments as well.
I love that.
I was going to ask you one lastquestion and you kind of
touched on some of this.
But what would you tell parentsraising these kiddos today?
Lisa Lewis (27:29):
That they're doing a great job, yeah, and to remind
yourself, even if you don't hearit, even if no one tells you
that, to tell yourself thatyou're doing a great job with
the information and the job thatyou have chosen to do.
And some days are harder thanothers, and sometimes you may
(28:05):
want some gratitude, somerecognition, and you don't get
it.
And not to take it out onanyone, but find that
recognition and gratitudesomeplace else in your life.
I think that's part of thegiving to yourself doing
(28:26):
something in your life thatbrings you happiness and joy
other than your family, whetherit's doing something creative
singing, dancing, whatever thatis for you, try to do it and
have that sense of recognition,appreciation for yourself,
because that also models to yourchildren like, oh, wow, like,
yeah, like mom is doingsomething for herself and look
(28:49):
how important she is to herself.
And then then the your childrenlearn like, okay, parents,
adults need time to themselvestoo.
Right, and I can be okay withanother parent or babysitter.
Yep.
Carrie Lingenfelter (29:10):
Yep, that's beautiful.
It's been so lovely having youon today, lisa.
Thank you so much for your timeand your energy.
Well, thank you, carrie, it'sbeen so lovely having you on
today.
Lisa, thank you so much foryour time and your energy.
Lisa Lewis (29:17):
Well, thank you, Carrie.
It's been wonderful to talk toyou and you're so easy to talk
with and I appreciate you and Iappreciate what you're bringing
to the world and how you'retrying to help other parents
navigate this world as a parent.
Carrie Lingenfelter (29:35):
Perfect.
Thank you so much.
Well, that's a wrap.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
Changemakers.
This is Keri, and if youhaven't done a review for us,
five stars and a little fewwords about what you've enjoyed
in our podcast episodes, wewould really appreciate it.
If you guys would like to evermessage me, I would love any
questions you have or anyfeedback.
(29:55):
At info at heart to heartlifecom, we also have a brand
new website which we're superexcited to share.
It's heart to heart lifecom.
Thanks so much for tuning inand happy life.
Happy times.
Change maker families.
Bye.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.