March 11, 2025 • 28 mins
What if the most loving approach to parenting isn't about molding our children to fit society's expectations, but rather discovering who they truly are?
Psychotherapist and founder of the Institute for Spiritual Alignment, Harmony Kwiker, joins us to explore how conscious parenting begins with connecting to ourselves. Drawing from her own journey as both a therapist and mother, Harmony shares how she navigated the overwhelming transition to parenthood while grieving the loss of her own mother. Through this challenge, she discovered a profound truth: the quality of our parenting stems not from what we do, but from the place within ourselves that we do it from.
For parents of neurodivergent, gifted, or highly sensitive children, Harmony offers particularly resonant wisdom. She emphasizes that these children's heightened sensitivities carry inherent wisdom—not problems to be fixed. The harm comes when interventions explicitly or implicitly try to change who these children fundamentally are, rather than honoring their unique perspectives and needs.
The conversation flows into practical tools for mindful family dynamics, including how to take space for yourself in a connected way, facilitating healthy sibling communication, and teaching children to own their subjective experiences rather than projecting them as universal truths. Harmony shares two powerful practices: explicitly sharing attention among family members to combat the "not enough love" narrative, and modeling language that maintains relationship clarity.
Whether you're struggling with parental burnout, navigating your child's intense emotions, or simply seeking a more connected way of parenting, this episode offers both compassionate understanding and actionable insights to transform your family relationships. Subscribe, share, and leave a review to help other conscious parents discover these transformative perspectives.
Connect with Harmony Kwiker:
*Website: https://thespirituallyaligned.com/
*Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespirituallyaligned?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw%3D%3D
New! Conscious Family Travels Channel on YouTube with Carrie:
https://www.youtube.com/@consciousfamilytravels
Connect with Carrie:
*Website: https://hearttoheartlife.com/
*Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespiritualparent
*YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheSpiritualParent
*Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/people/The-Spiritual-Parent/61554482625081
*Email: info@hearttoheartlife.com
**Please remember that the information shared on this podcast is educational in nature and does not constitute licensed mental health advice. If you need such advice, you should speak with a licensed professional about your unique situation. Thanks so much happy listeners.
© 2024 Heart to Heart Life LLC
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Harmony Kwiker (00:00):
And so I really think that much of the work of
parenting is discovering who ourchildren are and really seeing
them for the actuality of whothey are, not the image of who
we think they should be, and tome that's the most healing,
loving way to be with ourchildren.
Carrie Lingenfelter (00:18):
Perfect.
Yes, there's this box that Ithink so many people like to put
our kids in, and also, I thinkthe energy around parenting
right now is a little bit offear driven, like getting into
college learning piano at theage of five so you can be a
genius piano genius I'm not surewhat the term is when you're 16
(00:40):
years old or there's just thispressure on parents that we can
sometimes put onto our kids tooto have them fit this mold of
what it's supposed to look like.
Hi, conscious Parents, it'sKeri here, and I am here with a
little info about raising ourmindful kids.
I've got some tips and tricksabout breaking free of the box
(01:01):
and becoming who you are andteaching your kids how to do
that along the way.
Join us Hi there and welcomeback.
It's Keri, your friendly,intuitive mama, here, and I'm so
excited.
I have a wonderful guest,harmony Quiker, and she's a
psychotherapist, author andvisiting instructor at Naropa,
where she teachesmindfulness-based transpersonal
(01:25):
counseling.
She's also the founder of theInstitute for Spiritual
Alignment and, harmony, I lovethe name of your institute.
This is beautiful.
Thank you so much for beinghere with us today.
Harmony Kwiker (01:37):
Thank you so much.
Yes, I was so inspired bysitting with my clients and
really seeing the way peopleleave their alignment and
watching them come back home tothemselves, and I am just so
passionate about reallysupporting people and living in
connection with who they reallyare.
Carrie Lingenfelter (01:53):
That's wonderful.
I feel like so many parents.
We often jump into theparenting role, and sometimes
that can be even with a transferinto masculine energy, just
getting things done, getting ourschedules, and oftentimes we
forget to tune in with ourselvestune in with ourselves for
parenting, or even losingourselves along the way.
(02:16):
What would you say to thispiece?
Harmony Kwiker (02:19):
Yeah, absolutely Becoming a parent can be such a
shock to the system.
Absolutely Becoming a parentcan be such a shock to the
system.
There's so much to do andthere's literally this being who
is dependent on us for survivaland we still need to take care
of ourselves.
And I remember when I was a newmom and I was still grieving
the loss of my mom, and so I wasin this deep emotional process
(02:42):
of losing my mom and we werevery close, close and having a
lot of fear that my child woulddie, and so transferring my own
fear onto my child.
And I didn't quite have enoughawareness yet at the stage that
I was at to see that I wasprojecting onto my child this
like pure, innocent being all ofmy fear, and it really
(03:05):
inhibited my ability to connectwith her in her purity, because
I wasn't able to be with my ownemotional experience to the
depth that I needed.
And in the newness of parentingI started this practice and it
really influenced the way that Ibecame a psychotherapistist,
(03:25):
because I was navigating both atthe same time a new therapist
and a new mom, and I would sitin meditation and I would be
with my urgency, like all ofthat urgency to get everything
done, to take care of everyoneand to do everything.
Instead of following thatimpulse, I would sit in
(03:49):
meditation and turn towards myurgency, turn towards my fear
and allow it to move through meuntil it was complete.
And what I learned in thatprocess was that it matters less
about what I do and more aboutthe place within myself that I
do it from.
So if I'm really connected tomyself, taking care of my
(04:13):
children and my house reallydoes feel like an act of love
and warmth and nurturing.
But if I am in that taskoriented masculine energy like
you were talking about, I feelmore like a dictator.
In that task oriented masculineenergy like you were talking
about, I feel more like adictator trying to control
everybody, and I really believethat nervous system regulation
with my anxiety and my fear andalso like with my children, is
(04:37):
more about being connected thanit is about being regulated.
Disregulation isn't bad right,having emotional experiences
isn't a bad thing, but when wedisconnect from ourselves and we
start following our narrativesand our stories or try to
control the people around us,that's when we're so off balance
(05:01):
from ourselves, that we're sodisconnected from the people in
our lives, and so learning toolsto stay connected with
ourselves is really what allowsus to stay connected with our
children.
Carrie Lingenfelter (05:12):
Wow, thank you so much for sharing that
piece of what it was like foryou.
I always think all of thepsychotherapists, all of the
counselors, they all have ittogether when they become
parents.
And man, wouldn't life beeasier as a parent if I had this
background.
But it sounds like you have ahuman piece too, which makes my
heart feel seen a little bit.
Harmony Kwiker (05:35):
Yeah, I had that high standard for myself too.
I had graduated.
I thought I was going to be sogreat at all of this and I was
surprised to discover that therewas still so much for me to
learn.
And I really do think thatgiving birth to another human
being it opens us up toeverything within us that we
have unresolved.
(05:55):
So we can think that we havedone a lot of healing and we've
arrived at a certain place.
And then there's this purebeing in our care and we get to
see every single place inside ofus that needs to heal and
transform.
Carrie Lingenfelter (06:11):
Yes, and then you're also fumbling with
diapers at the same time.
So it's like this no sleep.
It's just this little wickedcombination that just really
deep dives into this opening andthis opportunity.
I've been realizing that someof these struggles with
parenting my highly sensitive,gifted, spirited, very spirited
(06:33):
children is more opportunity forself-healing and spiritual
awakening in a sense.
Harmony Kwiker (06:41):
Absolutely.
I believe we heal into lifetogether with our children.
That it's not.
It's common in psychotherapy wetalk about the identified
patient and it's so common thatif somebody is having a hard
time we look at them as theproblem.
And this can happen withchildren.
But really they're justexpressing what is off in the
system.
(07:02):
Those sensitive children,they're so wise and if we really
listen to them and listen towhat they're moving through, we
can really deepen into ourselveswith them.
Carrie Lingenfelter (07:13):
Yeah, that's so wonderful, I agree, I
think, taking a moment to pauseinstead of wanting to offer them
more guidance, instead ofwanting to direct them in where
they should go.
I just had something come uprecently with my daughter with
friendships and she's six and infirst grade and trying to play
with everyone, but somebody justwanted her to play with them
(07:33):
and she sat down and wrote thisletter to her friend from her
heart and said I love you and Iwill still play with you, but
sometimes I also want to playwith my other friends too, with
us, and you can play, we canplay together, and it was so
sweet to just see how they canmanage it themselves if we give
them a little bit of space.
Harmony Kwiker (07:52):
Such a pure heart, so sweet, yeah, yeah.
And for her really to learnthat honoring herself doesn't
mean losing connection withsomebody that she cares about,
and I think that's gorgeous.
Carrie Lingenfelter (08:05):
Yeah, it was beautiful.
And I look back I'm like, ohman, she is so much more
advanced in this version than Iwas.
Harmony Kwiker (08:12):
I think that all the time with my kids, my
daughter, when she was eightyears old.
She said to me Mom, Iunderstand all this therapy
stuff and I see more than you do.
And I said to her you areabsolutely right and you have
surpassed me beyond years, andit's still true, she's 15.
And she's so wise, I admire herso much.
Carrie Lingenfelter (08:33):
That's really cool.
I love when we can honor theirgrowth and that maybe they've
hit where we would be ourselvesand gone past.
That and learning from our kidsis so important.
Taking that other role is sowonderful.
Learning from our kids is soimportant.
Taking that other role is sowonderful.
I've really had it on my mindlately.
(08:55):
These kids coming in.
Sometimes they're labeled asneurodiverse, sometimes they're
labeled as gifted.
I like to call them gifted,spirited and highly sensitive.
For my own two kids, I love tokeep it in a positive mindset
for us, even though it can havechallenging pieces.
A positive mindset for us, eventhough it can have challenging
pieces.
I feel like these kids canoftentimes experience the world
more intensely.
They have a lot of heart ineverything they do.
(09:18):
I see that they take criticismor things more intensely than
other people may, or maybe pastgenerations may have.
So do you have any ideas abouthow we could help our kids maybe
suffer less trauma orconditioning or ideas?
I'm thinking with your bookthat you have as well bringing
(09:40):
in any ideas for our kids.
Harmony Kwiker (09:44):
Yeah, I've seen with my clients, my adult
clients, that some of the mostharmful interventions for
neurodivergence have implied orbeen overt in trying to change
the person.
And I really believe that allof us want to be seen for who we
(10:06):
really are, seen and loved forwho we really are, and
divergence has a wisdom to it.
There's such a beauty and agenius and a brilliance to the
design, even though it might beinconvenient for parents
sometimes, or beyondunderstanding which is normal
(10:27):
too, because it is.
It's hard to understand whatit's like to be somebody else
when the way a person's innermap is so different from our own
.
And so I really think that muchof the work of parenting is
discovering who our children areand really seeing them for the
actuality of who they are, notthe image of who we think they
(10:47):
should be, and to me that's themost healing, loving way to be
with our children.
Carrie Lingenfelter (10:53):
Perfect.
Yes, there's this box that Ithink so many people like to put
our kids in, and also I thinkthe energy around parenting
right now is a little bit offear driven, like getting into
college learning piano at theage of five so you can be a
genius piano genius I'm not surewhat the term is when you're 16
(11:16):
years old, or there's just thispressure on parents that we can
sometimes put onto our kids toto have them fit this mold of
what it's supposed to look like.
Harmony Kwiker (11:28):
Yeah, and if you consider the world that we live
in today just a post COVIDworld my children at the age
that they're at their wholeelementary and middle school
experience was uprooted andshifted right in this really
tender time of transitioninginto adolescence and I'll never
(11:49):
know what that's like for thembecause I didn't experience that
, but I do believe that it'sunique to this generation and
really requires a lot ofpatience and trust in their
wisdom.
I think that when I was a childI was raised by two healers who
were hippies and lovely people,and both of my parents, my mom
(12:13):
and my dad, really affirmed myintuition from a young age.
They affirmed my wisdom when Ioffered them a reflection for
their blind spot as a child.
They listened to me.
They didn't gaslight me, try toassert their ideas over me,
which I hear parents do all thetime to their children, and I
(12:36):
just.
It was such a gift for mebecause in this world where we
see so much like we, there'smaterialistic chasing and like
trying to have financialstability and security, which to
some degree is really importantand to balance that with a
trust in the unseen, in theintuitive, beyond logic, insight
(12:59):
and information andtransmissions, and to know that
our children actually havegreater access to that because
they're so newly embodied, andto really trust them and affirm
that for them, I think is a hugepart of raising children.
And to your question beforeabout neurodivergence like that
heightened sensitivity has awisdom to it, like that
(13:21):
information that they'rereceiving.
If they learn how to honor itand use it and not fight it or
try to change it or really evenjust letting it take over, like
really listening to theconsciousness that's being
expressed through them, I just Ithink that our children learn
to trust themselves more andthat's how I want my children
(13:42):
leaving the house learning howto knowing how to trust
themselves and stay connected tothemselves how to knowing how
to trust themselves and stayconnected to themselves yes,
wouldn't that be a beautifulplace.
Carrie Lingenfelter (13:52):
I can only imagine it sounds like in in
your past.
It sounds like you grew up witha little bit of, or a lot of,
that.
Did you find that you felt likeyou stayed in a conscious place
, or did you?
I was raised spiritually aswell, and I feel like when I was
in my 20s and my grandma wasputting a cartole and Edgar
(14:12):
Cayce books on my nightstand, Iwas like I don't need this, I
don't have time for this.
Right now I'm in college.
I know what I'm doing, and itwasn't until I became a parent
where I went back to it when Ireally needed it.
Harmony Kwiker (14:23):
Did you?
Carrie Lingenfelter (14:23):
have that era as well.
Harmony Kwiker (14:25):
I think the thing that my parents did is
they didn't try to teach mespiritual ideology or give me
other people's what they did.
When I was six years old, my momhad me initiated into
transcendental meditation, andso I started a practice of
listening to my own innatespirituality, as opposed to
spiritual ideas that otherpeople offer, and so that
connection and that, likeintuitive honoring, is something
(14:48):
that I've carried through methroughout my life.
There was a time where I fellasleep to that many times over
and over my life, where I'vefallen asleep to myself and I've
forgotten and I've started toidentify more with the
narratives of my mind and mypersonality.
However, having that awarenessof where to come back to like
(15:13):
already knowing that's thereeven when I've forgotten, has
been really helpful, and so whenI became a mom, I reconnected
to.
My second child was born.
I was sitting here in my office, I shut my door and I sat down
(15:33):
to meditate by myself, becausein my mind it was a solitary
practice, and then, slowly, theyopened the door, they quietly
snuck in, they grabbed ameditation cushion and they sat
with me and I kept my eyesclosed as I heard them come in
and it was the sweetest memoryto sit in that space together.
Carrie Lingenfelter (15:52):
Yeah, that's really cool.
My kids, they love to do guidedmeditations with me.
My daughter loves to ask forthem and I'll give her like a
little personal one gearedtowards something that she
really enjoys at the moment, andlast night I had a moment where
I wasn't feeling well for asecond and she was like let me
(16:12):
give you reiki, mom, I'm gonnagive you reiki so emotionally
and energetically attuned.
Harmony Kwiker (16:18):
I love that so much.
Carrie Lingenfelter (16:20):
Yeah, so there's definitely pieces.
I love the idea of thetranscendental meditation.
I haven't heard of that before,but I think that's really a
really neat tool to teach them.
It's not imprinting an idea orphilosophy on them, right, it's
helping them to tune into theirown selves.
(16:40):
That's really powerful on themright.
Harmony Kwiker (16:43):
It's helping them to tune into their own
selves.
That's really powerful.
Yeah, there's a lot of researchthat's come out recently around
the spiritual brain and innatespirituality, and what
researchers have found is thatfrom a state of dysregulation,
when our nervous system isdysregulated, the parietal lobe
which is called the spiritualbrain shuts down and we lose
(17:05):
access to higher consciousnessand we really mobilize for
safety.
It's the design of our nervoussystem to ensure our survival,
and so, through regulationpractices which, again, I just
want to reiterate thatregulation isn't about absence
of activation, it's aboutstaying connected to ourselves
in the midst of activation thatthrough that practice of
(17:28):
regulation, we can open up toour higher consciousness and
feel connected to our innatespirituality.
Carrie Lingenfelter (17:34):
Wow, that makes so much sense.
I was reading a or I waswatching a presentation on
gifted and talented kids andthey were also talking about the
2e.
So when they have anotherdisorder or delay going on, with
it and she was discussing how,the higher the IQ, the more
often that it can be hard forthem to stay in a optimistic
(17:59):
mindset, that the brain wants togo to the pessimistic side, and
teaching them the skills of howto come back to that side is so
important for our kids that aregifted and talented, so what
you're saying is right.
I think the research is showingin that area as well.
Harmony Kwiker (18:16):
It's really cool , absolutely yeah yeah, it's.
Carrie Lingenfelter (18:22):
it's been an interesting process trying to
teach my kids how to regulate.
We've been working on that alot.
But also reconnecting withthemselves is such a powerful
tool and such a powerful mindset.
When we're in that fight orflight freeze, you definitely
cannot hear yourself.
And then also as a parent,understanding that we do need
(18:47):
our own time, we need our ownspace to recharge, because how
often are we running in thatfight, flight or freeze without
understanding it?
Or having things cycle in ourminds without realizing it.
Harmony Kwiker (19:02):
Yeah, it's completely possible to take
space from our children in aconnected way.
I think that what happens isparents reach their limit and
they sever connection to try tothen go fill themselves up, as
opposed to sharing with ourchildren.
I'm feeling a littleoverwhelmed and so I'm going to
go take care of myself, like I'mmoving away from you but I'm
(19:23):
not leaving you.
Essentially is what we'resaying to them in that movement,
and it teaches our childrenthat we're not an object, that
we too have an internalexperience and an internal
landscape, and it actuallybuilds a lot of trust so that
our children know that we'retaking care of ourselves and we
have a sense of awareness thatsomething's off inside of us,
(19:44):
and it models for them how to dothat too, and I think it's a
beautiful practice as a family.
Carrie Lingenfelter (19:50):
Yes, yes, we love to model those pieces.
It's so wonderful when we cando that and also modeling if
we're having a challengingmindset part, if we're jumping
into our problems and how wework through them or how we keep
going, if we're having achallenging mindset part, if
we're jumping into our problemsand how we work through them or
how we keep going if we'rehaving a challenge.
Harmony Kwiker (20:08):
Yes, oh my.
Do you have multiple children?
Carrie Lingenfelter (20:12):
So I have a six-year-old daughter and a
nine-year-old son.
Harmony Kwiker (20:15):
And a nine-year-old son.
Yes, sometimes I feel like I'mdoing marriage counseling, like
getting them yeah, getting themto hear each other and reflect
and and then share withoutfighting over each other.
It's so sweet.
They really have learned how tocommunicate based on their
relationship together.
Carrie Lingenfelter (20:32):
Oh my goodness, I that's hilarious to
think of it as marriagecounseling.
I really wish I had abackground in that because I was
an only child.
So now when these things comeup, I'm like, oh my gosh, they
are not hearing each other,they're not seeing what the
other person is going through,and so trying to teach the
(20:54):
compassion piece has been achallenge for me or
understanding how somebody elseis feeling empathy me, or
understanding how somebody elseis feeling empathy.
Harmony Kwiker (21:06):
They're very empathic kids, but teaching
empathy for your brother orsister is very different.
Yeah yeah, and the reason Icall it marriage counseling, too
, is because I really facilitategiving each person space to
speak and letting them know thatboth perspectives are important
, that one isn't right or wrong,and that all feelings are valid
.
And it's okay to feel upset,but it's not okay to be mean.
(21:26):
And so they start to learn howto stay connected to each other
in the midst of their ownexperience.
That's a great reminder.
Carrie Lingenfelter (21:34):
I think oftentimes one kid will come up
and tell you and it's okay, Ineed to sit down with both.
This is very helpful tools,thank you.
I need to sit down with both.
This is very helpful tools,thank you.
I was going to ask you if youcould go back and tell yourself
anything, maybe when the kidswere first born or when they
were similar to my kids' ageselementary ages.
(21:56):
What would you tell a youngerversion of you or somebody
that's in a different era ofparenting?
What would you share?
Harmony Kwiker (22:06):
Yeah, there's a few things that occur to me with
that question.
I love that question.
I think the first thing is Iwould want myself to know that
taking space for myself isn'tselfish.
There was so much of thisimpulse to be self-sacrificing,
to give my kids everything, tonot want them to hurt or to miss
(22:27):
me, and to really realize thattaking care of myself is
actually a gift to them.
Yeah, let's see the other thingI just have more fun.
Like it's so special, like itreally the younger years of
parenting can feel like they'reendless and then all of a sudden
(22:50):
they're gone.
I can get a little teary justthinking about it, because now I
live with teenagers and thesweetness, the imagination, the
fantasy, the just playing indirt for hours, like really just
I would tell myself have morefun.
I'm a Capricorn and so I tendto like make everything work.
Carrie Lingenfelter (23:13):
I just I wish I would have let loose a
little bit more.
Yeah, I definitely thatresonates so much because I was
a speech therapist before beinga mom and I would go in and work
with kids who weren't speakingbirth to three.
So in my mind I'm likediagnosing, like where are we at
?
Harmony Kwiker (23:30):
What can we?
Carrie Lingenfelter (23:30):
work, work on.
Let's make this into a therapysession.
So, yes, having play I thereare so many times where I think
my kiddo comes up and wants toplay and I'm like put everything
down, live in this moment.
Maybe it's only five or tenminutes and then you go back to
what you have to do, becausethere's always housework or
whatever that has to get done.
(23:51):
But really being present whenyou're there with them,
absolutely yeah.
Harmony Kwiker (23:57):
Absolutely.
Carrie Lingenfelter (23:58):
That's a great one.
I was going to ask you do youhave a favorite tip or tool that
you may have taught your kids,or anything to help them stay
mindful in their teenage journey, in their elementary journey,
any journey?
Harmony Kwiker (24:18):
Yeah, I taught this tool.
There's a few of them.
I'll share two if I can.
Is that okay?
Great, yeah, I realized earlyon that children make up the
story, that there's not enoughlove to go around, that if one
person is getting attention,that means that I'm lacking
something.
And there's actually beenresearch recently around the
oldest child and the diminishingresources that happen when the
(24:42):
second child is born and howthat has a negative effect on
the eldest.
And one thing that I did with mychildren is when we would sit
down at the dinner table, wewould go around and I would make
it very explicit Right nowwe're giving our love and
attention to Tobin that's my son, and so we'd all be listening
to Tobin as he shared a high anda low of his day.
(25:04):
And then now we're all givingour love and attention to Myla
and we shift attention and tomake it really explicit, when
they were receiving everybody'slove and attention, I just I
feel like that's important toname, as opposed to just assume
that they're aware and actuallysoaking it in.
The other thing and thishappened more organically based
(25:27):
on my communication style, andthat is my children are really
skilled at owning theirexperience, meaning that when
they speak, they know that, forexample, if they don't like
dinner to them, it doesn't tastegood To me, I don't like this
and they can own that's true forthem, as opposed to just
(25:48):
disowning their experience andsaying this is gross and making
their subjective experiencetruth about reality and for me,
this is very important when I'mteaching therapists or when I'm
engaging with my husband.
To own our experience meansthat we're speaking in a way
that's inarguable and honors allpeople who are present.
Carrie Lingenfelter (26:10):
Wow, that sounds very magical for the
mom's heart.
If you've spent a couple ofhours making something, going to
work on that with mysix-year-old, who's going
through a sensitive period, forsure, I think that would save
both my husband and my heartswhen we worked on something from
scratch.
Yeah, learning that early onseems like it would help when
(26:33):
they're teenagers too.
Harmony Kwiker (26:36):
I find it really helps keep relationships clean.
Our words hold an energy and avibration that impact the
relational field, that have animpact on other people, and to
have language that keeps theclarity of relationship alive is
an important part of connection.
Carrie Lingenfelter (26:53):
Yes, that sounds like it comes out of the
marriage counseling a little bitas well.
Harmony Kwiker (26:59):
Exactly.
Carrie Lingenfelter (27:00):
So helpful for people that are teachers or
speech therapists and raisingkids and don't have the
counseling background.
I think that's so helpful forall our listeners and thank you
so much for being here todaywith us.
It's been so wonderful toconnect with you and I love
seeing people that were raisedby changemakers and now it
(27:21):
sounds like you were raised bychangemakers.
Now you're doing yourchangemaker things and raising
changemakers too, sounds reallygreat.
Harmony Kwiker (27:28):
Thank you, yeah, thank you so much.
I love what you're doing here,empowering parents to really
honor their children and honortheir experience, and so, thank
you, it's such a gift.
Carrie Lingenfelter (27:41):
Thank you.
Well, that's a wrap.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
Changemakers.
This is Keri, and if youhaven't done a review for us,
five stars and a little fewwords about what you've enjoyed
in our podcast episodes, wewould really appreciate it.
If you guys would like to evermessage me, I would love any
questions you have or anyfeedback at info at
(28:03):
hearttoheartlifecom, we alsohave a brand new website which
we're super excited to share.
It's hearttoheartlifecom.
Thanks so much for tuning inand happy life, happy times.
Changemaker families.
And so I really think that much of the work of
parenting is discovering who ourchildren are and really seeing
them for the actuality of whothey are, not the image of who
we think they should be, and tome that's the most healing,
loving way to be with ourchildren.
Carrie Lingenfelter (00:18):
Perfect.
Yes, there's this box that Ithink so many people like to put
our kids in, and also, I thinkthe energy around parenting
right now is a little bit offear driven, like getting into
college learning piano at theage of five so you can be a
genius piano genius I'm not surewhat the term is when you're 16
(00:40):
years old or there's just thispressure on parents that we can
sometimes put onto our kids tooto have them fit this mold of
what it's supposed to look like.
Hi, conscious Parents, it'sKeri here, and I am here with a
little info about raising ourmindful kids.
I've got some tips and tricksabout breaking free of the box
(01:01):
and becoming who you are andteaching your kids how to do
that along the way.
Join us Hi there and welcomeback.
It's Keri, your friendly,intuitive mama, here, and I'm so
excited.
I have a wonderful guest,harmony Quiker, and she's a
psychotherapist, author andvisiting instructor at Naropa,
where she teachesmindfulness-based transpersonal
(01:25):
counseling.
She's also the founder of theInstitute for Spiritual
Alignment and, harmony, I lovethe name of your institute.
This is beautiful.
Thank you so much for beinghere with us today.
Harmony Kwiker (01:37):
Thank you so much.
Yes, I was so inspired bysitting with my clients and
really seeing the way peopleleave their alignment and
watching them come back home tothemselves, and I am just so
passionate about reallysupporting people and living in
connection with who they reallyare.
Carrie Lingenfelter (01:53):
That's wonderful.
I feel like so many parents.
We often jump into theparenting role, and sometimes
that can be even with a transferinto masculine energy, just
getting things done, getting ourschedules, and oftentimes we
forget to tune in with ourselvestune in with ourselves for
parenting, or even losingourselves along the way.
(02:16):
What would you say to thispiece?
Harmony Kwiker (02:19):
Yeah, absolutely Becoming a parent can be such a
shock to the system.
Absolutely Becoming a parentcan be such a shock to the
system.
There's so much to do andthere's literally this being who
is dependent on us for survivaland we still need to take care
of ourselves.
And I remember when I was a newmom and I was still grieving
the loss of my mom, and so I wasin this deep emotional process
(02:42):
of losing my mom and we werevery close, close and having a
lot of fear that my child woulddie, and so transferring my own
fear onto my child.
And I didn't quite have enoughawareness yet at the stage that
I was at to see that I wasprojecting onto my child this
like pure, innocent being all ofmy fear, and it really
(03:05):
inhibited my ability to connectwith her in her purity, because
I wasn't able to be with my ownemotional experience to the
depth that I needed.
And in the newness of parentingI started this practice and it
really influenced the way that Ibecame a psychotherapistist,
(03:25):
because I was navigating both atthe same time a new therapist
and a new mom, and I would sitin meditation and I would be
with my urgency, like all ofthat urgency to get everything
done, to take care of everyoneand to do everything.
Instead of following thatimpulse, I would sit in
(03:49):
meditation and turn towards myurgency, turn towards my fear
and allow it to move through meuntil it was complete.
And what I learned in thatprocess was that it matters less
about what I do and more aboutthe place within myself that I
do it from.
So if I'm really connected tomyself, taking care of my
(04:13):
children and my house reallydoes feel like an act of love
and warmth and nurturing.
But if I am in that taskoriented masculine energy like
you were talking about, I feelmore like a dictator.
In that task oriented masculineenergy like you were talking
about, I feel more like adictator trying to control
everybody, and I really believethat nervous system regulation
with my anxiety and my fear andalso like with my children, is
(04:37):
more about being connected thanit is about being regulated.
Disregulation isn't bad right,having emotional experiences
isn't a bad thing, but when wedisconnect from ourselves and we
start following our narrativesand our stories or try to
control the people around us,that's when we're so off balance
(05:01):
from ourselves, that we're sodisconnected from the people in
our lives, and so learning toolsto stay connected with
ourselves is really what allowsus to stay connected with our
children.
Carrie Lingenfelter (05:12):
Wow, thank you so much for sharing that
piece of what it was like foryou.
I always think all of thepsychotherapists, all of the
counselors, they all have ittogether when they become
parents.
And man, wouldn't life beeasier as a parent if I had this
background.
But it sounds like you have ahuman piece too, which makes my
heart feel seen a little bit.
Harmony Kwiker (05:35):
Yeah, I had that high standard for myself too.
I had graduated.
I thought I was going to be sogreat at all of this and I was
surprised to discover that therewas still so much for me to
learn.
And I really do think thatgiving birth to another human
being it opens us up toeverything within us that we
have unresolved.
(05:55):
So we can think that we havedone a lot of healing and we've
arrived at a certain place.
And then there's this purebeing in our care and we get to
see every single place inside ofus that needs to heal and
transform.
Carrie Lingenfelter (06:11):
Yes, and then you're also fumbling with
diapers at the same time.
So it's like this no sleep.
It's just this little wickedcombination that just really
deep dives into this opening andthis opportunity.
I've been realizing that someof these struggles with
parenting my highly sensitive,gifted, spirited, very spirited
(06:33):
children is more opportunity forself-healing and spiritual
awakening in a sense.
Harmony Kwiker (06:41):
Absolutely.
I believe we heal into lifetogether with our children.
That it's not.
It's common in psychotherapy wetalk about the identified
patient and it's so common thatif somebody is having a hard
time we look at them as theproblem.
And this can happen withchildren.
But really they're justexpressing what is off in the
system.
(07:02):
Those sensitive children,they're so wise and if we really
listen to them and listen towhat they're moving through, we
can really deepen into ourselveswith them.
Carrie Lingenfelter (07:13):
Yeah, that's so wonderful, I agree, I
think, taking a moment to pauseinstead of wanting to offer them
more guidance, instead ofwanting to direct them in where
they should go.
I just had something come uprecently with my daughter with
friendships and she's six and infirst grade and trying to play
with everyone, but somebody justwanted her to play with them
(07:33):
and she sat down and wrote thisletter to her friend from her
heart and said I love you and Iwill still play with you, but
sometimes I also want to playwith my other friends too, with
us, and you can play, we canplay together, and it was so
sweet to just see how they canmanage it themselves if we give
them a little bit of space.
Harmony Kwiker (07:52):
Such a pure heart, so sweet, yeah, yeah.
And for her really to learnthat honoring herself doesn't
mean losing connection withsomebody that she cares about,
and I think that's gorgeous.
Carrie Lingenfelter (08:05):
Yeah, it was beautiful.
And I look back I'm like, ohman, she is so much more
advanced in this version than Iwas.
Harmony Kwiker (08:12):
I think that all the time with my kids, my
daughter, when she was eightyears old.
She said to me Mom, Iunderstand all this therapy
stuff and I see more than you do.
And I said to her you areabsolutely right and you have
surpassed me beyond years, andit's still true, she's 15.
And she's so wise, I admire herso much.
Carrie Lingenfelter (08:33):
That's really cool.
I love when we can honor theirgrowth and that maybe they've
hit where we would be ourselvesand gone past.
That and learning from our kidsis so important.
Taking that other role is sowonderful.
Learning from our kids is soimportant.
Taking that other role is sowonderful.
I've really had it on my mindlately.
(08:55):
These kids coming in.
Sometimes they're labeled asneurodiverse, sometimes they're
labeled as gifted.
I like to call them gifted,spirited and highly sensitive.
For my own two kids, I love tokeep it in a positive mindset
for us, even though it can havechallenging pieces.
A positive mindset for us, eventhough it can have challenging
pieces.
I feel like these kids canoftentimes experience the world
more intensely.
They have a lot of heart ineverything they do.
(09:18):
I see that they take criticismor things more intensely than
other people may, or maybe pastgenerations may have.
So do you have any ideas abouthow we could help our kids maybe
suffer less trauma orconditioning or ideas?
I'm thinking with your bookthat you have as well bringing
(09:40):
in any ideas for our kids.
Harmony Kwiker (09:44):
Yeah, I've seen with my clients, my adult
clients, that some of the mostharmful interventions for
neurodivergence have implied orbeen overt in trying to change
the person.
And I really believe that allof us want to be seen for who we
(10:06):
really are, seen and loved forwho we really are, and
divergence has a wisdom to it.
There's such a beauty and agenius and a brilliance to the
design, even though it might beinconvenient for parents
sometimes, or beyondunderstanding which is normal
(10:27):
too, because it is.
It's hard to understand whatit's like to be somebody else
when the way a person's innermap is so different from our own
.
And so I really think that muchof the work of parenting is
discovering who our children areand really seeing them for the
actuality of who they are, notthe image of who we think they
(10:47):
should be, and to me that's themost healing, loving way to be
with our children.
Carrie Lingenfelter (10:53):
Perfect.
Yes, there's this box that Ithink so many people like to put
our kids in, and also I thinkthe energy around parenting
right now is a little bit offear driven, like getting into
college learning piano at theage of five so you can be a
genius piano genius I'm not surewhat the term is when you're 16
(11:16):
years old, or there's just thispressure on parents that we can
sometimes put onto our kids toto have them fit this mold of
what it's supposed to look like.
Harmony Kwiker (11:28):
Yeah, and if you consider the world that we live
in today just a post COVIDworld my children at the age
that they're at their wholeelementary and middle school
experience was uprooted andshifted right in this really
tender time of transitioninginto adolescence and I'll never
(11:49):
know what that's like for thembecause I didn't experience that
, but I do believe that it'sunique to this generation and
really requires a lot ofpatience and trust in their
wisdom.
I think that when I was a childI was raised by two healers who
were hippies and lovely people,and both of my parents, my mom
(12:13):
and my dad, really affirmed myintuition from a young age.
They affirmed my wisdom when Ioffered them a reflection for
their blind spot as a child.
They listened to me.
They didn't gaslight me, try toassert their ideas over me,
which I hear parents do all thetime to their children, and I
(12:36):
just.
It was such a gift for mebecause in this world where we
see so much like we, there'smaterialistic chasing and like
trying to have financialstability and security, which to
some degree is really importantand to balance that with a
trust in the unseen, in theintuitive, beyond logic, insight
(12:59):
and information andtransmissions, and to know that
our children actually havegreater access to that because
they're so newly embodied, andto really trust them and affirm
that for them, I think is a hugepart of raising children.
And to your question beforeabout neurodivergence like that
heightened sensitivity has awisdom to it, like that
(13:21):
information that they'rereceiving.
If they learn how to honor itand use it and not fight it or
try to change it or really evenjust letting it take over, like
really listening to theconsciousness that's being
expressed through them, I just Ithink that our children learn
to trust themselves more andthat's how I want my children
(13:42):
leaving the house learning howto knowing how to trust
themselves and stay connected tothemselves how to knowing how
to trust themselves and stayconnected to themselves yes,
wouldn't that be a beautifulplace.
Carrie Lingenfelter (13:52):
I can only imagine it sounds like in in
your past.
It sounds like you grew up witha little bit of, or a lot of,
that.
Did you find that you felt likeyou stayed in a conscious place
, or did you?
I was raised spiritually aswell, and I feel like when I was
in my 20s and my grandma wasputting a cartole and Edgar
(14:12):
Cayce books on my nightstand, Iwas like I don't need this, I
don't have time for this.
Right now I'm in college.
I know what I'm doing, and itwasn't until I became a parent
where I went back to it when Ireally needed it.
Harmony Kwiker (14:23):
Did you?
Carrie Lingenfelter (14:23):
have that era as well.
Harmony Kwiker (14:25):
I think the thing that my parents did is
they didn't try to teach mespiritual ideology or give me
other people's what they did.
When I was six years old, my momhad me initiated into
transcendental meditation, andso I started a practice of
listening to my own innatespirituality, as opposed to
spiritual ideas that otherpeople offer, and so that
connection and that, likeintuitive honoring, is something
(14:48):
that I've carried through methroughout my life.
There was a time where I fellasleep to that many times over
and over my life, where I'vefallen asleep to myself and I've
forgotten and I've started toidentify more with the
narratives of my mind and mypersonality.
However, having that awarenessof where to come back to like
(15:13):
already knowing that's thereeven when I've forgotten, has
been really helpful, and so whenI became a mom, I reconnected
to.
My second child was born.
I was sitting here in my office, I shut my door and I sat down
(15:33):
to meditate by myself, becausein my mind it was a solitary
practice, and then, slowly, theyopened the door, they quietly
snuck in, they grabbed ameditation cushion and they sat
with me and I kept my eyesclosed as I heard them come in
and it was the sweetest memoryto sit in that space together.
Carrie Lingenfelter (15:52):
Yeah, that's really cool.
My kids, they love to do guidedmeditations with me.
My daughter loves to ask forthem and I'll give her like a
little personal one gearedtowards something that she
really enjoys at the moment, andlast night I had a moment where
I wasn't feeling well for asecond and she was like let me
(16:12):
give you reiki, mom, I'm gonnagive you reiki so emotionally
and energetically attuned.
Harmony Kwiker (16:18):
I love that so much.
Carrie Lingenfelter (16:20):
Yeah, so there's definitely pieces.
I love the idea of thetranscendental meditation.
I haven't heard of that before,but I think that's really a
really neat tool to teach them.
It's not imprinting an idea orphilosophy on them, right, it's
helping them to tune into theirown selves.
(16:40):
That's really powerful on themright.
Harmony Kwiker (16:43):
It's helping them to tune into their own
selves.
That's really powerful.
Yeah, there's a lot of researchthat's come out recently around
the spiritual brain and innatespirituality, and what
researchers have found is thatfrom a state of dysregulation,
when our nervous system isdysregulated, the parietal lobe
which is called the spiritualbrain shuts down and we lose
(17:05):
access to higher consciousnessand we really mobilize for
safety.
It's the design of our nervoussystem to ensure our survival,
and so, through regulationpractices which, again, I just
want to reiterate thatregulation isn't about absence
of activation, it's aboutstaying connected to ourselves
in the midst of activation thatthrough that practice of
(17:28):
regulation, we can open up toour higher consciousness and
feel connected to our innatespirituality.
Carrie Lingenfelter (17:34):
Wow, that makes so much sense.
I was reading a or I waswatching a presentation on
gifted and talented kids andthey were also talking about the
2e.
So when they have anotherdisorder or delay going on, with
it and she was discussing how,the higher the IQ, the more
often that it can be hard forthem to stay in a optimistic
(17:59):
mindset, that the brain wants togo to the pessimistic side, and
teaching them the skills of howto come back to that side is so
important for our kids that aregifted and talented, so what
you're saying is right.
I think the research is showingin that area as well.
Harmony Kwiker (18:16):
It's really cool , absolutely yeah yeah, it's.
Carrie Lingenfelter (18:22):
it's been an interesting process trying to
teach my kids how to regulate.
We've been working on that alot.
But also reconnecting withthemselves is such a powerful
tool and such a powerful mindset.
When we're in that fight orflight freeze, you definitely
cannot hear yourself.
And then also as a parent,understanding that we do need
(18:47):
our own time, we need our ownspace to recharge, because how
often are we running in thatfight, flight or freeze without
understanding it?
Or having things cycle in ourminds without realizing it.
Harmony Kwiker (19:02):
Yeah, it's completely possible to take
space from our children in aconnected way.
I think that what happens isparents reach their limit and
they sever connection to try tothen go fill themselves up, as
opposed to sharing with ourchildren.
I'm feeling a littleoverwhelmed and so I'm going to
go take care of myself, like I'mmoving away from you but I'm
(19:23):
not leaving you.
Essentially is what we'resaying to them in that movement,
and it teaches our childrenthat we're not an object, that
we too have an internalexperience and an internal
landscape, and it actuallybuilds a lot of trust so that
our children know that we'retaking care of ourselves and we
have a sense of awareness thatsomething's off inside of us,
(19:44):
and it models for them how to dothat too, and I think it's a
beautiful practice as a family.
Carrie Lingenfelter (19:50):
Yes, yes, we love to model those pieces.
It's so wonderful when we cando that and also modeling if
we're having a challengingmindset part, if we're jumping
into our problems and how wework through them or how we keep
going, if we're having achallenging mindset part, if
we're jumping into our problemsand how we work through them or
how we keep going if we'rehaving a challenge.
Harmony Kwiker (20:08):
Yes, oh my.
Do you have multiple children?
Carrie Lingenfelter (20:12):
So I have a six-year-old daughter and a
nine-year-old son.
Harmony Kwiker (20:15):
And a nine-year-old son.
Yes, sometimes I feel like I'mdoing marriage counseling, like
getting them yeah, getting themto hear each other and reflect
and and then share withoutfighting over each other.
It's so sweet.
They really have learned how tocommunicate based on their
relationship together.
Carrie Lingenfelter (20:32):
Oh my goodness, I that's hilarious to
think of it as marriagecounseling.
I really wish I had abackground in that because I was
an only child.
So now when these things comeup, I'm like, oh my gosh, they
are not hearing each other,they're not seeing what the
other person is going through,and so trying to teach the
(20:54):
compassion piece has been achallenge for me or
understanding how somebody elseis feeling empathy me, or
understanding how somebody elseis feeling empathy.
Harmony Kwiker (21:06):
They're very empathic kids, but teaching
empathy for your brother orsister is very different.
Yeah yeah, and the reason Icall it marriage counseling, too
, is because I really facilitategiving each person space to
speak and letting them know thatboth perspectives are important
, that one isn't right or wrong,and that all feelings are valid
.
And it's okay to feel upset,but it's not okay to be mean.
(21:26):
And so they start to learn howto stay connected to each other
in the midst of their ownexperience.
That's a great reminder.
Carrie Lingenfelter (21:34):
I think oftentimes one kid will come up
and tell you and it's okay, Ineed to sit down with both.
This is very helpful tools,thank you.
I need to sit down with both.
This is very helpful tools,thank you.
I was going to ask you if youcould go back and tell yourself
anything, maybe when the kidswere first born or when they
were similar to my kids' ageselementary ages.
(21:56):
What would you tell a youngerversion of you or somebody
that's in a different era ofparenting?
What would you share?
Harmony Kwiker (22:06):
Yeah, there's a few things that occur to me with
that question.
I love that question.
I think the first thing is Iwould want myself to know that
taking space for myself isn'tselfish.
There was so much of thisimpulse to be self-sacrificing,
to give my kids everything, tonot want them to hurt or to miss
(22:27):
me, and to really realize thattaking care of myself is
actually a gift to them.
Yeah, let's see the other thingI just have more fun.
Like it's so special, like itreally the younger years of
parenting can feel like they'reendless and then all of a sudden
(22:50):
they're gone.
I can get a little teary justthinking about it, because now I
live with teenagers and thesweetness, the imagination, the
fantasy, the just playing indirt for hours, like really just
I would tell myself have morefun.
I'm a Capricorn and so I tendto like make everything work.
Carrie Lingenfelter (23:13):
I just I wish I would have let loose a
little bit more.
Yeah, I definitely thatresonates so much because I was
a speech therapist before beinga mom and I would go in and work
with kids who weren't speakingbirth to three.
So in my mind I'm likediagnosing, like where are we at
?
Harmony Kwiker (23:30):
What can we?
Carrie Lingenfelter (23:30):
work, work on.
Let's make this into a therapysession.
So, yes, having play I thereare so many times where I think
my kiddo comes up and wants toplay and I'm like put everything
down, live in this moment.
Maybe it's only five or tenminutes and then you go back to
what you have to do, becausethere's always housework or
whatever that has to get done.
(23:51):
But really being present whenyou're there with them,
absolutely yeah.
Harmony Kwiker (23:57):
Absolutely.
Carrie Lingenfelter (23:58):
That's a great one.
I was going to ask you do youhave a favorite tip or tool that
you may have taught your kids,or anything to help them stay
mindful in their teenage journey, in their elementary journey,
any journey?
Harmony Kwiker (24:18):
Yeah, I taught this tool.
There's a few of them.
I'll share two if I can.
Is that okay?
Great, yeah, I realized earlyon that children make up the
story, that there's not enoughlove to go around, that if one
person is getting attention,that means that I'm lacking
something.
And there's actually beenresearch recently around the
oldest child and the diminishingresources that happen when the
(24:42):
second child is born and howthat has a negative effect on
the eldest.
And one thing that I did with mychildren is when we would sit
down at the dinner table, wewould go around and I would make
it very explicit Right nowwe're giving our love and
attention to Tobin that's my son, and so we'd all be listening
to Tobin as he shared a high anda low of his day.
(25:04):
And then now we're all givingour love and attention to Myla
and we shift attention and tomake it really explicit, when
they were receiving everybody'slove and attention, I just I
feel like that's important toname, as opposed to just assume
that they're aware and actuallysoaking it in.
The other thing and thishappened more organically based
(25:27):
on my communication style, andthat is my children are really
skilled at owning theirexperience, meaning that when
they speak, they know that, forexample, if they don't like
dinner to them, it doesn't tastegood To me, I don't like this
and they can own that's true forthem, as opposed to just
(25:48):
disowning their experience andsaying this is gross and making
their subjective experiencetruth about reality and for me,
this is very important when I'mteaching therapists or when I'm
engaging with my husband.
To own our experience meansthat we're speaking in a way
that's inarguable and honors allpeople who are present.
Carrie Lingenfelter (26:10):
Wow, that sounds very magical for the
mom's heart.
If you've spent a couple ofhours making something, going to
work on that with mysix-year-old, who's going
through a sensitive period, forsure, I think that would save
both my husband and my heartswhen we worked on something from
scratch.
Yeah, learning that early onseems like it would help when
(26:33):
they're teenagers too.
Harmony Kwiker (26:36):
I find it really helps keep relationships clean.
Our words hold an energy and avibration that impact the
relational field, that have animpact on other people, and to
have language that keeps theclarity of relationship alive is
an important part of connection.
Carrie Lingenfelter (26:53):
Yes, that sounds like it comes out of the
marriage counseling a little bitas well.
Harmony Kwiker (26:59):
Exactly.
Carrie Lingenfelter (27:00):
So helpful for people that are teachers or
speech therapists and raisingkids and don't have the
counseling background.
I think that's so helpful forall our listeners and thank you
so much for being here todaywith us.
It's been so wonderful toconnect with you and I love
seeing people that were raisedby changemakers and now it
(27:21):
sounds like you were raised bychangemakers.
Now you're doing yourchangemaker things and raising
changemakers too, sounds reallygreat.
Harmony Kwiker (27:28):
Thank you, yeah, thank you so much.
I love what you're doing here,empowering parents to really
honor their children and honortheir experience, and so, thank
you, it's such a gift.
Carrie Lingenfelter (27:41):
Thank you.
Well, that's a wrap.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
Changemakers.
This is Keri, and if youhaven't done a review for us,
five stars and a little fewwords about what you've enjoyed
in our podcast episodes, wewould really appreciate it.
If you guys would like to evermessage me, I would love any
questions you have or anyfeedback at info at
(28:03):
hearttoheartlifecom, we alsohave a brand new website which
we're super excited to share.
It's hearttoheartlifecom.
Thanks so much for tuning inand happy life, happy times.
Changemaker families.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Boysober
Have you ever wondered what life might be like if you stopped worrying about being wanted, and focused on understanding what you actually want? That was the question Hope Woodard asked herself after a string of situationships inspired her to take a break from sex and dating. She went "boysober," a personal concept that sparked a global movement among women looking to prioritize themselves over men. Now, Hope is looking to expand the ways we explore our relationship to relationships. Taking a bold, unfiltered look into modern love, romance, and self-discovery, Boysober will dive into messy stories about dating, sex, love, friendship, and breaking generational patterns—all with humor, vulnerability, and a fresh perspective.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com