January 16, 2025 • 30 mins
In this deeply personal episode of the Stephen McCain Podcast, I recount my transformative six-day ayahuasca retreat in Spain. I describe the physical and emotional preparations, the intense ceremonies, and the profound realizations I experienced. I delve into themes of self-forgiveness, the importance of self-love, and the interconnectedness of all life. I also provide practical advice for those considering an ayahuasca retreat, emphasizing the need for respect and proper intention. Join me as I share how this journey has reshaped my approach to life, health, and happiness.
Resources:
Avalon Ayahuasca Retreats - https://weareavalon.love
Chapters:
00:00 Introduction and Purpose
01:26 Deciding to Attend the Retreat
03:14 Preparing for the Ayahuasca Experience
04:45 First Ayahuasca Ceremony
09:45 Profound Realizations and Healing
11:09 Holotropic Breathing and Further Insights
12:21 New Year's Eve Ceremony
26:25 Final Reflections and Recommendations
28:38 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the Stephen
McCain podcast.
This one's going to be a littlepersonal.
I have just returned from asix-day ayahuasca retreat in
Spain.
I decided that this issomething that I've wanted to do
for a while.
I have felt the calling.
(00:23):
For a while I have felt thecalling, and so I just wanted to
share my experience with mycommunity, because I watched a
lot of people online that helpedme make the decision to do
something like this, which isnot something I recommend that
you take lightly.
(00:44):
It's a pretty intenseexperience, but I do feel that,
if you're doing it for the rightreasons and you have the
calling and you've set the rightintentions, that it can be one
of the most powerfultransformations of your life.
It was for me, and so I want toshare my experience.
(01:04):
Life.
It was for me, and so I want toshare my experience.
And, yeah, I think it's goodfor me to put it out there.
It's good for me to share itbecause it's part of living my
truth and if you are feeling thecalling, maybe this will help
give you a little insight intohow to go about this and what it
(01:25):
actually entails.
So why did I even decide to dothis.
I think in my life I've feltthat there was something that
was kind of bothering me for along time and it really felt
like it was putting a glassceiling on what I was capable of
(01:47):
as a human and I just couldn'tput my finger on it.
And you know, I've done quite abit of therapy and worked on
myself a lot, quite a bit, andall for the better, and but I
just felt like there wassomething that was evading me
and I wanted to dig in and seeif I could find out what it was.
(02:10):
And so I looked up.
I found a place called Avalonand they I'll put a link in the
description and they they had alot of great reviews.
I found them on retreatsguru, Ibelieve, and seemed completely
(02:32):
legit, had a lot of greatpositive reviews, and I just
didn't really want to go to thejungle to do this.
I wanted to do it a little bitmore in the comfort of a
slightly more just, normalcircumstance.
I figured it was already goingto be powerful enough and I
(02:53):
think it was really good.
It was very comfortable.
It was six days, four ayahuascaexperiences, plus the option to
do something called Bufo, whichI will talk to you about.
And then there was also aholotropic breathing session,
which in its own right, was veryintense, so it was jam-packed.
(03:14):
They do start moving toplant-based diet, which I had no
problem with, and I understand,when I got there, why they have
.
You do this because you don'twant your physiology getting in
(03:36):
the way, you don't want yourblood sugar to be dysregulated,
you don't want to be havingheadache withdrawals from
caffeine caffeine and I foundthat they fed us and I thought
the food was great.
I never once at all felt like,oh, I'm going without, or I'm
super hungry, or anything likethat, and I felt very stable.
(03:57):
So that was great.
And you know you show up.
It was about less than 20people in my group.
We're all strangers by the endof it.
We all leave very, very goodfriends and knowing a hell of a
lot about each other.
It was unbelievable.
(04:17):
I really felt like I got what Iwanted out of it.
I don't think this is justsomething you want to check the
box on.
If you're a biohacker, you'rejust like, oh, I hear great
things about this, but again, ifyou really feel like you have
some some calling for this, Ireally do think it is far and
(04:38):
away something that can directlyconnect you with yourself, more
than anything I've seen.
So let me tell you a little bitabout it.
You show up, you should have anintention, and the intention is
what you want out of thejourney and, I'll be honest, I
was freaking terrified because Iwatched a few videos online of
(05:02):
people and they had somehorrific experiences.
I mean, there is the chancethat it could go to the dark
side.
I didn't have anything likethat so, but I didn't know what
to expect.
I've had some experience withpsilocybin and LSD before and
(05:23):
other you know therapeuticcompounds that I've always used
in a respectful way and I've hadgood experiences with them.
But I didn't really know whatto expect with ayahuasca.
So I did set really goodintentions, I showed up and
brought the most of myself to it.
You go in this room where thereare all these pads, everyone has
(05:46):
a bucket it's for you to purgeinto, to puke, and they have a
shaman there who's been doingthis stuff forever.
They make the kind you know theayahuasca, they bless it, they.
They do all the stuff behindthe scenes.
Now, I'm not an expert on thisstuff.
Some people know all thelineages and they know the
different sort of where theplant comes from and originates
(06:08):
and the different species.
I don't know any of that.
I just, basically, was goingoff of what I deemed was company
that had a lot of integrity,which they did.
They were very, very.
Everyone that worked there hadbeen through these experiences
and they devoted their life tohelping people.
So it was had been throughthese experiences and they
devoted their life to helpingpeople.
So it was.
I felt like I was in reallygood hands.
(06:32):
But you show up to the ceremonyand, wearing comfortable clothes
, you pick a mat, you knowthere's some blankets there, you
have your bucket, like I said,and then there's the shaman, and
then there's someone playingmusic.
Sometimes it's the shamans, butsometimes it's the separate
music person and the music is ahuge component of it.
I cannot tell you how much youconnect with the music and it's
almost like the soundtrack ofyour emotions while you're going
(06:57):
through the experience.
So we started with somethingcalled Rapa Rapa and it's
basically like ground up tobaccoleaves and they blow it up your
nose and when it hits you it'slike, oh, it is pretty, pretty
impactful.
Now I've I have had someexperience with this because
(07:19):
I've used.
John Laurent has this nasalspray, rapa, and he calls it the
Zen spray, has this nasal spray, rappe, and he calls it the Zen
spray, and I like it.
So I didn't have a problem withthe Rappe.
But some people already werepuking because they didn't know
what it was and it can be alittle bit accosting, a little
jarring when it first hits you,but what it does is it puts you
(07:40):
in a bit of a Zen state alphapotentially where you're just
calm because you want to enteryour ayahuasca experience from a
place of calmness.
And for me, what I did is I dida lot of box breathing before
every session, so I did about 45minutes of box breathing.
(08:01):
If you don't know what boxbreathing is, it's where you
breathe in for four to fiveseconds, you hold for four to
five seconds, you exhale forfour to five seconds and then
you hold that for 45 seconds.
So it's like a box Breathe in,hold, exhale, hold each for
about 45 seconds and this helpsyou put your nervous system in a
(08:24):
parasympathetic state.
And then they call you up tohave a cup of ayahuasca.
You set your intention, or Iset my intention, and then I
drank it.
You go back to your mat andthey recommend that you sit up,
so you can kind of sit upagainst the wall, and I just
boxed spray for about 45 minutesuntil it came on.
(08:47):
And the thing with ayahuasca,they say, is that it speaks to
you.
They call it mother, mother,ayahuasca.
It's like a grandmother, plantspirit.
Now, I'm not somebody that Idon't have the vernacular of
people that are really into thisstuff and a lot of times it's
(09:10):
why I have a hard timesubscribing to certain religions
and things like that.
It's just because it's I don'tknow, I don't connect.
But I have always been aspiritual person.
I feel I can feel my spirit inme and I and I I feel the
connection with everything elsein the world and I was very
open-minded and I suggesteverybody be open-minded, if
(09:32):
you're going to do ayahuasca, tohearing grandmother ayahuasca
speak to you, because that iswhere a lot of profound moments
happen.
And so the first evening I had avery beautiful experience.
I forgave myself for a lot ofthings in my life that I was
(09:56):
judging myself for and feeling,you know, just less than it was
a really, really beautifulexperience.
In fact, the first night was sogreat I felt like I could have
left.
After that I kind of feel likeI got what I wanted from it.
I I really, you know, forgavemy dad in in an instant.
(10:18):
You know, I, my dad, left whenI was two and you know, kind of
left a hole in my heart as a kidand always trying to, you know,
fill it up with, you know, alack.
That was there, a black hole.
I called it, you know, and Ijust realized that that thing
with my dad was never, evergoing to change.
(10:38):
But what could change is myrelationship to it.
I could be different, I couldjust understand that, hey, this
will exist and that's okay,that's totally fine.
I had another ayahuascaexperience, beautiful experience
, judgment.
(11:08):
How much judgment really shutsus off from the present and the
actually learning something.
And we all have it.
It comes up.
We had this holotropic breathexperience and we showed up it
was early morning, after alreadydoing two nights of ayahuasca,
and the teacher who was therewas sitting there meditating and
while we're waiting and I andimmediately I started having
(11:30):
judgment, I thought, did we justcome here to watch this guy
meditate?
Is that what we're doing here?
And I knew you, you were.
And then he gave us the mostbeautiful experience.
That was so powerful, and Ijust realized that judgment is
(11:50):
just an expectation.
Not being in the present,judging it just cuts off all
learning experience, and it was.
(12:15):
It's so easy to see that howthis stuff just comes up in life
.
It was a really great reminder.
But the biggest most that Iwanted to show up for 2025, in
every capacity of my lifeBusiness, relationships,
friendship, family, everything,everything for myself I wanted
(12:39):
to show up and be a hundredpercent me, pure, authentic,
most I can be.
And they had these like littleI don't know if they were like
some sort of oils that had somesort of vibration in it, but
there was these different onesand I chose the power one that
they put these drops in and Ithought, well, power will be
(12:59):
good for showing up.
And because it was New Year'sEve, we drank our ay myself
without like, how am I movingand what's going on?
Am I self-conscious?
None of that.
Just really reallyself-confident, feeling very me
(13:38):
through and through, me throughand through.
And as the ayahuasca came on,you know, if you know my
background as a, as a gymnast,you know I I like to move and I
I started doing a lot ofstretching and yoga and it got
really connected with myself, Imean big time.
(14:00):
And I mean I was so dialed intome and stretching.
It felt amazing and I wentthrough all my little routine
that I always do.
And then I went and I laid onmy mat.
I took up my shirt because itwas so hot I had laid there and
the ayahuasca really startedcoming on.
(14:21):
But I was feeling totallyeuphoric, totally connected with
myself, perfect.
And I remember looking at theceiling and I felt like this
void opened up and I rememberhearing this voice that he said
(14:53):
it's all about the relationshipto yourself, that I hadn't
treated myself in the best way.
I had been very hard on myself,perfectionist, and I was not
(15:15):
able, up to that point, to lovemyself unconditionally and in
return, I can't give otherpeople in my life unconditional
love, I can't give it to myself.
It was very profound for me,this feeling, and it took me to
(15:38):
another level of bliss andeuphoria and I was on my hands
and knees just sobbing tears ofjoy and I told myself I said I
got you, steven, I've got you.
I just kept saying it over andover I've got you.
(16:01):
I will give you a great life.
I promise you I will take care,got you.
I just kept saying it over andover I've got you.
I will give you a great life.
I promise you I will take careof you.
I will be there for you.
I will make sure you stayhealthy.
I will provide for you.
You will have a great life.
I've got you, stephen.
I've got you.
And that little boy in meStevie, we call him that never
(16:28):
got that love that he waslooking for.
That little boy is a strong boy.
He was able to make an Olympicteam because of trying to win
the love of a father he neverhad.
I have a lot of compassion forhow much I've compensated
(16:51):
because of not being able tolove myself unconditionally.
It was the key that I feelunlocked me as a person and I
feel I've never given myselfthat before and I've never given
it to anybody else.
One aspect it's kind of sad.
(17:16):
It's taken me I'm 51 years old.
It's taken me I'm 51 years old,but I'm so thankful that I've
realized this and after thatmoment I reached what I felt
like was enlightenment.
(17:36):
Everything made sense,everything, and I just remember
being like, oh my God, oh my God.
I was like it was completeeuphoria and in that moment I
felt the essence of God.
I felt that I understood thatwe're all in this together, that
(17:59):
animals, the earth, all of us,we are all connected and this
unconditional love is the gluethat connects all of us.
All the other things are justthings that get in the way and
hamper it.
And in this moment I realized Iwill serve.
(18:23):
I will serve God, I will do mymission to improve people's
lives, to try to make this worlda better place.
That I'm a part of, I will domy part Of.
I will do my part.
(18:52):
And in this moment of feelingthis presence with God that I've
never felt in my entire life, Ilook up and the shaman, who was
this female, was dressed in awhite gown and was playing this
little guitar and singing rightin front of my mat.
It was like an angel was infront of me.
(19:15):
I couldn't believe it.
I was like this is a sign.
This is, it's unmistakably asign.
It was unexplainable how it allcame together and I remember
(19:38):
there was a facilitator there.
There's people that just helpmake sure everything's going
well and I went up to him, Itapped him on the shoulder and I
said can I give you a hug?
I just wanted to share thisexperience with somebody and I
started sobbing and and I toldhim that I feel, god, I
(20:03):
understand my life, everythingis perfect.
I understand why everything isthe way it is.
It's perfect, everything isperfect.
I understand and I really Ihadn't talked about this much
until I just had a conversationwith a friend of mine.
He mentioned sacred geometryand I remember that whole time
(20:28):
during that period where I feltlike I was enlightened.
Everything was perfect spiralsof geometry, fibonacci,
everywhere Perfect.
Because a lot of times whenyou're, when you're
hallucinating on these things,you'll, you'll it's kind of
random you'll see eyes lookingat you and you'll see weird
(20:50):
things and and it's kind ofreally random then, as you get
to this absolute connection withyourself and wherever I got,
it's like the hallucinationsbecome perfect geometrical
shapes like tunnels of Fibonacci, mind-boggling.
(21:19):
It was the most powerfulexperience of my life.
It was the most powerfulexperience of my life and it was
a template for me.
(21:40):
It was a template where Irealized, if I do not take care
of Stephen first my mornings, Ihave to do what Steve has to do
to fill himself up, to feelloved, to feel ready and
complete, fill my cup so I canfill others, and then to engage
(22:02):
in my purpose to improve thelives of other people health,
longevity, fitness, biohackingto help put out there in the
world what I feel like I'm hereto do.
(22:22):
Out there in the world, what Ifeel like I'm here to do.
I don't think it's morecomplicated than that for me and
I feel like I've danced arounda lot of things and tried
tactics to understand this andtried tactics to understand this
(22:46):
.
But I just don't believe thatyou can be 100% for somebody
else if you can't be 100% toyourself.
That was my lesson.
That's ultimately what I got.
(23:10):
What I got now, I will say,having been a biohacker for a
long time 15, 16 years and aperformer, I felt like it really
helped me in these experiencesbecause, being a performer, I
knew how to show up and putmyself in a zone state and
control my emotions and reallybring the most of myself.
(23:31):
Even though I was scared,shitless to the experience, I
was ready to walk through fire.
And then, from the biohackingside, I've dosed so many
different compounds in my lifethat I was very good at not
overdoing the ayahuasca.
The most I did was a cup and ahalf and I had the most
(23:53):
unbelievable experience in mylife just doing one cup, and I
feel like that was a combinationof bringing myself 100% with a
really good intention and makingthe most out of it with just
one cup.
I think I was the only personin the whole room that didn't
purge the whole week.
(24:13):
I didn't throw up.
I definitely was nauseous but Ididn't throw up.
But there were people doingover four cups that I saw at
times, and everybody's on theirown journey.
I'm not judging, you know it's.
Some people just needed more, Iguess.
But I, I I do feel that reallyconnecting with yourself and not
(24:39):
trying to use the ayahuasca tojust give you everything, like
to try to bring yourself to theayahuasca I think that worked
really well for me.
Personally think the more my myidea was, the more later in the
(25:09):
evening that I continued to dose, the more tired I'm gonna get
mentally and spiritually.
I'm gonna like I'm gonna startgetting exhausted, my mind
starts might start going to somedark places.
I I just might lose myintention.
I might lose track of time.
I wanted to really, you know,show up and get the most out of
it right out of the gate and Ifeel like I did that.
(25:32):
And they did also have thisbufo, which is DMT, where you
smoke it and supposedly you justgo to the cosmos for 25 minutes
, your complete ego dissolved,just gone.
I showed up, I was going to doit and I backed out because I
didn't know why I was going to.
I didn't know why, I didn'treally know why I was doing it
(25:55):
and I had no intention and Ithought I just feel like I'm
doing drugs at this point.
If I'm going to do this, I feellike I'm just doing it to have
a cool experience and I was like, ah, that's not why I'm here.
But what it did is, it allowedme to realize that I was getting
a little lackadaisical in myapproach and that allowed me to
really button myself up and showup and really do the work
(26:17):
before I walked into the room onthat ayahuasca journey where I
had an amazing experience roomon that ayahuasca journey where
I had an amazing experience.
So overall, I highly recommendayahuasca.
It's beautiful, it has thisresolution aspect to it where
it's like some psychedelics, youknow they can just be like
(26:38):
you're just on this ride, butlike ayahuasca is like it wants
to resolve something in you.
It like wants to have this arc,a beginning, middle and end,
and it has this way of findingstuff in you that bubbles up
from your subconscious that itwants to resolve and you can't
(26:59):
really hide from.
And what's so weird is you canbe in this total experience
where you're tripping and oncethis thing goes through the
resolution aspect, it's like allof a sudden like you're not
completely you know I don't knowif you want to call it sober,
(27:20):
but you're.
It like resolves and it kind ofwashes away and then your
conscious comes back, but yetyour conscious now has all these
answers from your subconscious,and they can.
It's like you're able to justgo.
Oh, I get it Let me put thishere that this actually goes
here.
It just goes here.
It just goes here Really aboutlike getting this homeostasis
with your subconscious and yourconscious.
(27:43):
It's beautiful, that'sabsolutely beautiful.
I highly recommend it.
I highly recommend Avalon.
Again, I'm not a connoisseur ofthis type of stuff, but I can't
think of anything I was missingout on and I would recommend it
to all my friends and anyonethat's interested.
Again, I'll put a link If youhave any questions about this
(28:03):
experience, if you've beenthinking about it, leave a
comment.
I'm happy to get back to youabout it.
I'll just say this is somethingto be absolutely respected.
There is a lot of reverence andrespect for this with these
shamans.
The goal is to create a very,very safe environment that
(28:24):
should be absolutely respectedso that people can go through
their own journeys, processwhatever it is that they're
trying to process, and that hasto be respected.
But I'm very glad I did it andit was a hell of a way to start
off 2025 as a new man, and thenmy birthday was January 9th, so
(28:47):
I turned 51.
Yeah, it's great experience,really really good.
I'm glad I had the courage to doit and it's also really made me
appreciate that.
You know I've spent a lot oftime in the biochemistry side of
things for health, but thisenergy side is just as important
(29:12):
to me now meditations andsilent retreats and holotropic
breathing and chanting and yoga,and I feel like I'm coming back
around to adding that to all ofthese fascinating biochemistry
(29:35):
hacks that I do, and I reallythink that I'm a happier person.
I think there's more joy in meand what's the point of living a
long life just for the sake ofliving a long life Because you
want to be into longevity ifyou're not going to enjoy
yourself, if you can'tunconditionally love yourself so
(30:01):
happy I did it, love yourselfso happy I did it.
And if you're considering it,hopefully this helped you.
That's it.
Hope you enjoyed this episode.
I will catch you on the nextone.
Stay healthy, everyone.
Bye-bye.
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the Stephen
McCain podcast.
This one's going to be a littlepersonal.
I have just returned from asix-day ayahuasca retreat in
Spain.
I decided that this issomething that I've wanted to do
for a while.
I have felt the calling.
(00:23):
For a while I have felt thecalling, and so I just wanted to
share my experience with mycommunity, because I watched a
lot of people online that helpedme make the decision to do
something like this, which isnot something I recommend that
you take lightly.
(00:44):
It's a pretty intenseexperience, but I do feel that,
if you're doing it for the rightreasons and you have the
calling and you've set the rightintentions, that it can be one
of the most powerfultransformations of your life.
It was for me, and so I want toshare my experience.
(01:04):
Life.
It was for me, and so I want toshare my experience.
And, yeah, I think it's goodfor me to put it out there.
It's good for me to share itbecause it's part of living my
truth and if you are feeling thecalling, maybe this will help
give you a little insight intohow to go about this and what it
(01:25):
actually entails.
So why did I even decide to dothis.
I think in my life I've feltthat there was something that
was kind of bothering me for along time and it really felt
like it was putting a glassceiling on what I was capable of
(01:47):
as a human and I just couldn'tput my finger on it.
And you know, I've done quite abit of therapy and worked on
myself a lot, quite a bit, andall for the better, and but I
just felt like there wassomething that was evading me
and I wanted to dig in and seeif I could find out what it was.
(02:10):
And so I looked up.
I found a place called Avalonand they I'll put a link in the
description and they they had alot of great reviews.
I found them on retreatsguru, Ibelieve, and seemed completely
(02:32):
legit, had a lot of greatpositive reviews, and I just
didn't really want to go to thejungle to do this.
I wanted to do it a little bitmore in the comfort of a
slightly more just, normalcircumstance.
I figured it was already goingto be powerful enough and I
(02:53):
think it was really good.
It was very comfortable.
It was six days, four ayahuascaexperiences, plus the option to
do something called Bufo, whichI will talk to you about.
And then there was also aholotropic breathing session,
which in its own right, was veryintense, so it was jam-packed.
(03:14):
They do start moving toplant-based diet, which I had no
problem with, and I understand,when I got there, why they have
.
You do this because you don'twant your physiology getting in
(03:36):
the way, you don't want yourblood sugar to be dysregulated,
you don't want to be havingheadache withdrawals from
caffeine caffeine and I foundthat they fed us and I thought
the food was great.
I never once at all felt like,oh, I'm going without, or I'm
super hungry, or anything likethat, and I felt very stable.
(03:57):
So that was great.
And you know you show up.
It was about less than 20people in my group.
We're all strangers by the endof it.
We all leave very, very goodfriends and knowing a hell of a
lot about each other.
It was unbelievable.
(04:17):
I really felt like I got what Iwanted out of it.
I don't think this is justsomething you want to check the
box on.
If you're a biohacker, you'rejust like, oh, I hear great
things about this, but again, ifyou really feel like you have
some some calling for this, Ireally do think it is far and
(04:38):
away something that can directlyconnect you with yourself, more
than anything I've seen.
So let me tell you a little bitabout it.
You show up, you should have anintention, and the intention is
what you want out of thejourney and, I'll be honest, I
was freaking terrified because Iwatched a few videos online of
(05:02):
people and they had somehorrific experiences.
I mean, there is the chancethat it could go to the dark
side.
I didn't have anything likethat so, but I didn't know what
to expect.
I've had some experience withpsilocybin and LSD before and
(05:23):
other you know therapeuticcompounds that I've always used
in a respectful way and I've hadgood experiences with them.
But I didn't really know whatto expect with ayahuasca.
So I did set really goodintentions, I showed up and
brought the most of myself to it.
You go in this room where thereare all these pads, everyone has
(05:46):
a bucket it's for you to purgeinto, to puke, and they have a
shaman there who's been doingthis stuff forever.
They make the kind you know theayahuasca, they bless it, they.
They do all the stuff behindthe scenes.
Now, I'm not an expert on thisstuff.
Some people know all thelineages and they know the
different sort of where theplant comes from and originates
(06:08):
and the different species.
I don't know any of that.
I just, basically, was goingoff of what I deemed was company
that had a lot of integrity,which they did.
They were very, very.
Everyone that worked there hadbeen through these experiences
and they devoted their life tohelping people.
So it was had been throughthese experiences and they
devoted their life to helpingpeople.
So it was.
I felt like I was in reallygood hands.
(06:32):
But you show up to the ceremonyand, wearing comfortable clothes
, you pick a mat, you knowthere's some blankets there, you
have your bucket, like I said,and then there's the shaman, and
then there's someone playingmusic.
Sometimes it's the shamans, butsometimes it's the separate
music person and the music is ahuge component of it.
I cannot tell you how much youconnect with the music and it's
almost like the soundtrack ofyour emotions while you're going
(06:57):
through the experience.
So we started with somethingcalled Rapa Rapa and it's
basically like ground up tobaccoleaves and they blow it up your
nose and when it hits you it'slike, oh, it is pretty, pretty
impactful.
Now I've I have had someexperience with this because
(07:19):
I've used.
John Laurent has this nasalspray, rapa, and he calls it the
Zen spray, has this nasal spray, rappe, and he calls it the Zen
spray, and I like it.
So I didn't have a problem withthe Rappe.
But some people already werepuking because they didn't know
what it was and it can be alittle bit accosting, a little
jarring when it first hits you,but what it does is it puts you
(07:40):
in a bit of a Zen state alphapotentially where you're just
calm because you want to enteryour ayahuasca experience from a
place of calmness.
And for me, what I did is I dida lot of box breathing before
every session, so I did about 45minutes of box breathing.
(08:01):
If you don't know what boxbreathing is, it's where you
breathe in for four to fiveseconds, you hold for four to
five seconds, you exhale forfour to five seconds and then
you hold that for 45 seconds.
So it's like a box Breathe in,hold, exhale, hold each for
about 45 seconds and this helpsyou put your nervous system in a
(08:24):
parasympathetic state.
And then they call you up tohave a cup of ayahuasca.
You set your intention, or Iset my intention, and then I
drank it.
You go back to your mat andthey recommend that you sit up,
so you can kind of sit upagainst the wall, and I just
boxed spray for about 45 minutesuntil it came on.
(08:47):
And the thing with ayahuasca,they say, is that it speaks to
you.
They call it mother, mother,ayahuasca.
It's like a grandmother, plantspirit.
Now, I'm not somebody that Idon't have the vernacular of
people that are really into thisstuff and a lot of times it's
(09:10):
why I have a hard timesubscribing to certain religions
and things like that.
It's just because it's I don'tknow, I don't connect.
But I have always been aspiritual person.
I feel I can feel my spirit inme and I and I I feel the
connection with everything elsein the world and I was very
open-minded and I suggesteverybody be open-minded, if
(09:32):
you're going to do ayahuasca, tohearing grandmother ayahuasca
speak to you, because that iswhere a lot of profound moments
happen.
And so the first evening I had avery beautiful experience.
I forgave myself for a lot ofthings in my life that I was
(09:56):
judging myself for and feeling,you know, just less than it was
a really, really beautifulexperience.
In fact, the first night was sogreat I felt like I could have
left.
After that I kind of feel likeI got what I wanted from it.
I I really, you know, forgavemy dad in in an instant.
(10:18):
You know, I, my dad, left whenI was two and you know, kind of
left a hole in my heart as a kidand always trying to, you know,
fill it up with, you know, alack.
That was there, a black hole.
I called it, you know, and Ijust realized that that thing
with my dad was never, evergoing to change.
(10:38):
But what could change is myrelationship to it.
I could be different, I couldjust understand that, hey, this
will exist and that's okay,that's totally fine.
I had another ayahuascaexperience, beautiful experience
, judgment.
(11:08):
How much judgment really shutsus off from the present and the
actually learning something.
And we all have it.
It comes up.
We had this holotropic breathexperience and we showed up it
was early morning, after alreadydoing two nights of ayahuasca,
and the teacher who was therewas sitting there meditating and
while we're waiting and I andimmediately I started having
(11:30):
judgment, I thought, did we justcome here to watch this guy
meditate?
Is that what we're doing here?
And I knew you, you were.
And then he gave us the mostbeautiful experience.
That was so powerful, and Ijust realized that judgment is
(11:50):
just an expectation.
Not being in the present,judging it just cuts off all
learning experience, and it was.
(12:15):
It's so easy to see that howthis stuff just comes up in life
.
It was a really great reminder.
But the biggest most that Iwanted to show up for 2025, in
every capacity of my lifeBusiness, relationships,
friendship, family, everything,everything for myself I wanted
(12:39):
to show up and be a hundredpercent me, pure, authentic,
most I can be.
And they had these like littleI don't know if they were like
some sort of oils that had somesort of vibration in it, but
there was these different onesand I chose the power one that
they put these drops in and Ithought, well, power will be
(12:59):
good for showing up.
And because it was New Year'sEve, we drank our ay myself
without like, how am I movingand what's going on?
Am I self-conscious?
None of that.
Just really reallyself-confident, feeling very me
(13:38):
through and through, me throughand through.
And as the ayahuasca came on,you know, if you know my
background as a, as a gymnast,you know I I like to move and I
I started doing a lot ofstretching and yoga and it got
really connected with myself, Imean big time.
(14:00):
And I mean I was so dialed intome and stretching.
It felt amazing and I wentthrough all my little routine
that I always do.
And then I went and I laid onmy mat.
I took up my shirt because itwas so hot I had laid there and
the ayahuasca really startedcoming on.
(14:21):
But I was feeling totallyeuphoric, totally connected with
myself, perfect.
And I remember looking at theceiling and I felt like this
void opened up and I rememberhearing this voice that he said
(14:53):
it's all about the relationshipto yourself, that I hadn't
treated myself in the best way.
I had been very hard on myself,perfectionist, and I was not
(15:15):
able, up to that point, to lovemyself unconditionally and in
return, I can't give otherpeople in my life unconditional
love, I can't give it to myself.
It was very profound for me,this feeling, and it took me to
(15:38):
another level of bliss andeuphoria and I was on my hands
and knees just sobbing tears ofjoy and I told myself I said I
got you, steven, I've got you.
I just kept saying it over andover I've got you.
(16:01):
I will give you a great life.
I promise you I will take care,got you.
I just kept saying it over andover I've got you.
I will give you a great life.
I promise you I will take careof you.
I will be there for you.
I will make sure you stayhealthy.
I will provide for you.
You will have a great life.
I've got you, stephen.
I've got you.
And that little boy in meStevie, we call him that never
(16:28):
got that love that he waslooking for.
That little boy is a strong boy.
He was able to make an Olympicteam because of trying to win
the love of a father he neverhad.
I have a lot of compassion forhow much I've compensated
(16:51):
because of not being able tolove myself unconditionally.
It was the key that I feelunlocked me as a person and I
feel I've never given myselfthat before and I've never given
it to anybody else.
One aspect it's kind of sad.
(17:16):
It's taken me I'm 51 years old.
It's taken me I'm 51 years old,but I'm so thankful that I've
realized this and after thatmoment I reached what I felt
like was enlightenment.
(17:36):
Everything made sense,everything, and I just remember
being like, oh my God, oh my God.
I was like it was completeeuphoria and in that moment I
felt the essence of God.
I felt that I understood thatwe're all in this together, that
(17:59):
animals, the earth, all of us,we are all connected and this
unconditional love is the gluethat connects all of us.
All the other things are justthings that get in the way and
hamper it.
And in this moment I realized Iwill serve.
(18:23):
I will serve God, I will do mymission to improve people's
lives, to try to make this worlda better place.
That I'm a part of, I will domy part Of.
I will do my part.
(18:52):
And in this moment of feelingthis presence with God that I've
never felt in my entire life, Ilook up and the shaman, who was
this female, was dressed in awhite gown and was playing this
little guitar and singing rightin front of my mat.
It was like an angel was infront of me.
(19:15):
I couldn't believe it.
I was like this is a sign.
This is, it's unmistakably asign.
It was unexplainable how it allcame together and I remember
(19:38):
there was a facilitator there.
There's people that just helpmake sure everything's going
well and I went up to him, Itapped him on the shoulder and I
said can I give you a hug?
I just wanted to share thisexperience with somebody and I
started sobbing and and I toldhim that I feel, god, I
(20:03):
understand my life, everythingis perfect.
I understand why everything isthe way it is.
It's perfect, everything isperfect.
I understand and I really Ihadn't talked about this much
until I just had a conversationwith a friend of mine.
He mentioned sacred geometryand I remember that whole time
(20:28):
during that period where I feltlike I was enlightened.
Everything was perfect spiralsof geometry, fibonacci,
everywhere Perfect.
Because a lot of times whenyou're, when you're
hallucinating on these things,you'll, you'll it's kind of
random you'll see eyes lookingat you and you'll see weird
(20:50):
things and and it's kind ofreally random then, as you get
to this absolute connection withyourself and wherever I got,
it's like the hallucinationsbecome perfect geometrical
shapes like tunnels of Fibonacci, mind-boggling.
(21:19):
It was the most powerfulexperience of my life.
It was the most powerfulexperience of my life and it was
a template for me.
(21:40):
It was a template where Irealized, if I do not take care
of Stephen first my mornings, Ihave to do what Steve has to do
to fill himself up, to feelloved, to feel ready and
complete, fill my cup so I canfill others, and then to engage
(22:02):
in my purpose to improve thelives of other people health,
longevity, fitness, biohackingto help put out there in the
world what I feel like I'm hereto do.
(22:22):
Out there in the world, what Ifeel like I'm here to do.
I don't think it's morecomplicated than that for me and
I feel like I've danced arounda lot of things and tried
tactics to understand this andtried tactics to understand this
(22:46):
.
But I just don't believe thatyou can be 100% for somebody
else if you can't be 100% toyourself.
That was my lesson.
That's ultimately what I got.
(23:10):
What I got now, I will say,having been a biohacker for a
long time 15, 16 years and aperformer, I felt like it really
helped me in these experiencesbecause, being a performer, I
knew how to show up and putmyself in a zone state and
control my emotions and reallybring the most of myself.
(23:31):
Even though I was scared,shitless to the experience, I
was ready to walk through fire.
And then, from the biohackingside, I've dosed so many
different compounds in my lifethat I was very good at not
overdoing the ayahuasca.
The most I did was a cup and ahalf and I had the most
(23:53):
unbelievable experience in mylife just doing one cup, and I
feel like that was a combinationof bringing myself 100% with a
really good intention and makingthe most out of it with just
one cup.
I think I was the only personin the whole room that didn't
purge the whole week.
(24:13):
I didn't throw up.
I definitely was nauseous but Ididn't throw up.
But there were people doingover four cups that I saw at
times, and everybody's on theirown journey.
I'm not judging, you know it's.
Some people just needed more, Iguess.
But I, I I do feel that reallyconnecting with yourself and not
(24:39):
trying to use the ayahuasca tojust give you everything, like
to try to bring yourself to theayahuasca I think that worked
really well for me.
Personally think the more my myidea was, the more later in the
(25:09):
evening that I continued to dose, the more tired I'm gonna get
mentally and spiritually.
I'm gonna like I'm gonna startgetting exhausted, my mind
starts might start going to somedark places.
I I just might lose myintention.
I might lose track of time.
I wanted to really, you know,show up and get the most out of
it right out of the gate and Ifeel like I did that.
(25:32):
And they did also have thisbufo, which is DMT, where you
smoke it and supposedly you justgo to the cosmos for 25 minutes
, your complete ego dissolved,just gone.
I showed up, I was going to doit and I backed out because I
didn't know why I was going to.
I didn't know why, I didn'treally know why I was doing it
(25:55):
and I had no intention and Ithought I just feel like I'm
doing drugs at this point.
If I'm going to do this, I feellike I'm just doing it to have
a cool experience and I was like, ah, that's not why I'm here.
But what it did is, it allowedme to realize that I was getting
a little lackadaisical in myapproach and that allowed me to
really button myself up and showup and really do the work
(26:17):
before I walked into the room onthat ayahuasca journey where I
had an amazing experience roomon that ayahuasca journey where
I had an amazing experience.
So overall, I highly recommendayahuasca.
It's beautiful, it has thisresolution aspect to it where
it's like some psychedelics, youknow they can just be like
(26:38):
you're just on this ride, butlike ayahuasca is like it wants
to resolve something in you.
It like wants to have this arc,a beginning, middle and end,
and it has this way of findingstuff in you that bubbles up
from your subconscious that itwants to resolve and you can't
(26:59):
really hide from.
And what's so weird is you canbe in this total experience
where you're tripping and oncethis thing goes through the
resolution aspect, it's like allof a sudden like you're not
completely you know I don't knowif you want to call it sober,
(27:20):
but you're.
It like resolves and it kind ofwashes away and then your
conscious comes back, but yetyour conscious now has all these
answers from your subconscious,and they can.
It's like you're able to justgo.
Oh, I get it Let me put thishere that this actually goes
here.
It just goes here.
It just goes here Really aboutlike getting this homeostasis
with your subconscious and yourconscious.
(27:43):
It's beautiful, that'sabsolutely beautiful.
I highly recommend it.
I highly recommend Avalon.
Again, I'm not a connoisseur ofthis type of stuff, but I can't
think of anything I was missingout on and I would recommend it
to all my friends and anyonethat's interested.
Again, I'll put a link If youhave any questions about this
(28:03):
experience, if you've beenthinking about it, leave a
comment.
I'm happy to get back to youabout it.
I'll just say this is somethingto be absolutely respected.
There is a lot of reverence andrespect for this with these
shamans.
The goal is to create a very,very safe environment that
(28:24):
should be absolutely respectedso that people can go through
their own journeys, processwhatever it is that they're
trying to process, and that hasto be respected.
But I'm very glad I did it andit was a hell of a way to start
off 2025 as a new man, and thenmy birthday was January 9th, so
(28:47):
I turned 51.
Yeah, it's great experience,really really good.
I'm glad I had the courage to doit and it's also really made me
appreciate that.
You know I've spent a lot oftime in the biochemistry side of
things for health, but thisenergy side is just as important
(29:12):
to me now meditations andsilent retreats and holotropic
breathing and chanting and yoga,and I feel like I'm coming back
around to adding that to all ofthese fascinating biochemistry
(29:35):
hacks that I do, and I reallythink that I'm a happier person.
I think there's more joy in meand what's the point of living a
long life just for the sake ofliving a long life Because you
want to be into longevity ifyou're not going to enjoy
yourself, if you can'tunconditionally love yourself so
(30:01):
happy I did it, love yourselfso happy I did it.
And if you're considering it,hopefully this helped you.
That's it.
Hope you enjoyed this episode.
I will catch you on the nextone.
Stay healthy, everyone.
Bye-bye.
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