Spirituality and Hard Things Part 3 - "Who Am I Supposed To Look Up To Now?"

Life is hard, especially if you're constantly on the move, or have rough relationships. It can often feel like you are adrift, without an anchor to hold you in place. That is what life was like for Kaitlynn as she dealt with loneliness, bullying, and abuse, until she found the power of belief and faith in God.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome aboard the story arc. I'm your captain Kenny Mears and let's take a voyage together.

(00:10):
Life isn't easy for any of us, especially if you don't feel rooted in anything due to constant
moving or rough relationships. But for many people, including today's storyteller,

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faith becomes an anchor, a singular steady reference point when all else feels fleeting.
Here's Caitlin with her story. Hi, my name is Caitlin. I was born in St. George, but raised
overseas. And today I'm going to be talking about my journey through the gospel. So I'm going to

(00:58):
start when I was living in Singapore. This was an elementary school. So it's kind of the first couple
of memories of school that I have or that I can recall. I just remember being that really
socially awkward kid. And I was always like by myself playing with the cats in the school,
just like doing my own thing. And I didn't really have any, I feel like I didn't really socialize

(01:23):
that much. Or I feel like I didn't really have a set group of friends during that time. And I felt
like at church too, I felt kind of distant. And that kind of continued on into when I moved
to Germany. And this was in middle school. And that was kind of the first time that I had a

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group of friends, kind of, but it didn't feel serious. I felt like I was only being friends
with them for, to gain some kind of social status in the school. And yeah, it did kind of work.
Like I wouldn't say we were the popular group, but we had a status in our grade for sure.

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But I definitely felt out of place. And that also carried on into church. I felt like church, I was
very out of place as well. I was, what's the word, like rebellious. I was a very rebellious kid at that

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time. And I also didn't feel like home was a welcoming place either. I felt very out of place.
Like my dad would come home and he would kind of do his own thing. And my mom was dealing with my
little brother and my two older sisters were always together. So I was just, I always felt alone,

(02:58):
whether that be in at home or in school or in church. So in middle school,
I just remember some, something happened on a trip that we went to where it's so stupid looking
back at, cause it's just like such a stupid reason that caused so much pain in my life.

(03:25):
Like, so somebody had a crush on this girl. And I said I knew his crush when I didn't. And they made
it this whole deal that this one girl told me what his crush was and ended up kind of just like
completely throwing me off the boat. And just, I was just this horrible person in school. Like I

(03:54):
was a traitor and I was just, nobody wanted to be friends with me after that point. And
it was so crazy. I just remember walking down the hallway and this one kid purposely was like,
Oh, Caitlin, she sounds like, can I swear? She said, oh, Caitlin, she sounds like the B word,

(04:22):
you know, female dog. And back then I was raised super conservative and like swearing was just a
no-go in my house. And hearing that at school was just very shocking. It was like me? Like,
me? Like I am the last, if people who really know me know that I'm the last person to be

(04:48):
that kind of, that kind of view. I like, I'm not that kind of person. So, and then people would
also take my school bag and take everything out of it and just scatter it on the ground. So it was
just like a classic bullying, bullying story. And I just remember coming up to my bag and seeing

(05:14):
everything scattered. And then I call my mom and she's like, Oh, Oh honey, don't worry about it.
Just go home. Like we'll deal with it. And then I remember seeing a teacher, she was my Spanish
teacher at the time. She looks around the corner and she sees me like completely sobbing my eyes
out. And she doesn't say anything to me and walks away. So that was the first time that I felt like

(05:35):
I really couldn't trust anybody, whether, you know, in school, I just, I couldn't trust anyone.
So eventually they made a chat with the whole grade and they were basically just telling me
to kill myself, that I need to, you know, I'm a terrible person, that I shouldn't exist,

(05:58):
you know, all this stuff. And that kind of carried on through high school. They got in trouble.
My mom ended up seeing the chat and it kind of made things worse. They hated me even more
for getting in trouble. And that basically carried out through my whole middle school experience.

(06:18):
And I just, I felt very lonely during that time. Like I was forcing everything. And before we moved,
we found out we were going to move to Uzbekistan. So we were staying in a hotel for a while. And
before we moved, we were staying in a hotel and my dad was super stressed out. Everybody was,

(06:42):
you know, just overwhelmed with moving. And I just remember a fight that my siblings,
my brother and I got into and my dad snapped and he, he grabbed me by the throat and he's like,
slam me against the wall. And he threw me out of the hotel room and I was just like,

(07:11):
I was just so shocked. I was sobbing and my sister followed me out. And I just remember
us holding each other and just comforting each other being like, that's terrible. I know. I'm
so sorry that that happened. Like, I know she was just being the person that I needed the most.

(07:34):
And my mom, and I just remember before, after he threw me, I was just screaming, oh my gosh,
I need to call the cops or something. Like, this is not okay. And then I remember my mom coming
later. She's like, you can't say those kinds of things. Like, it's terrible to say something
like that. And I'm like, but, but you always told me that when somebody hurts, puts your hands on

(07:56):
someone physically, that I need to get help. I need to search for, you know, whether it might be
the cops or just some kind of help. Like, I know, I know I'm not a quiet person. Like I know what I
need to do in that situation. So, um, we ended up moving. I, I still have that memory when I moved

(08:18):
in my head. I couldn't, I couldn't get rid of it. Like, that's something I, I will never forget.
That the first moment that my dad seriously put his hands on me. Um, and so we ended up moving.
Um, I dealt a lot with my mental health after that incident. Cause I mean, your dad is supposed

(08:44):
to be the one man that you, you look up to for security and safety. And when he totally breaches
that it's like, who, who am I supposed to look up to now for that? So, um, yeah, I just remember
going through a crazy rebellious phase. I, I hated the church so much. I just had so much resentment

(09:06):
for the gospel. I felt like it didn't do anything for me. I felt like it just, it was, uh, like a
pebble in my shoe. I just couldn't deal with it. And, um, I ended up hanging out with the wrong
group of people. We were drinking. They got me into drinking, smoking, all that kind of stuff.

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And that's kind of where I looked for my comfort. Cause I didn't find that comfort at home. I
couldn't find that comfort in church. So I found that comfort somewhere else. And I was like,
that comfort somewhere else, which was completely unhealthy. Um, and then that went out, that went
on through high school. Um, and we ended up moving again to Abu Dhabi. Um, so we moved to Abu Dhabi

(10:00):
and there, I always say like a new, whenever I move, I knew it's a new chapter and new story.
Like I can start over. Um, so I moved there during COVID and I felt just out of place. Like I didn't
fit in cause I, uh, I just didn't know anybody. I started high school virtually. I just, I didn't

(10:23):
know anybody. I felt lonely again. And, um, I slowly started to adjust through high school.
Like my last two years of high school, I still really hated the gospel. I, I just, I felt like
I could trust nobody in the gospel. Like it was just a waste of my time. And, um,

(10:47):
I remember the second time my father put his hands on me quite similarly to the time in Germany
where he, I think we got a fight and a fight about dishes and he grabbed me again by the collar.
And he was just shouting at me and he threw me on the ground. And before he could do anything

(11:12):
else, my mom stopped him thankfully and kind of got, got him in a different place where he can
cool down. And I just ran upstairs and I started sobbing and I just remember one thing my mom said
is that if her husband were to ever put her hand, his hands on her, she would leave him. But he put

(11:39):
like, it's crazy that she didn't really do anything when he put his hands on his daughter. I just,
I couldn't make sense of that in my head. Like you're fine with your husband putting your hands
on your daughter. Like that makes no sense to me. So, um, my mom and I ended up having a long

(12:01):
conversation about how my dad grew up being abused by his parents as well. And my mom also
grew up with, you know, similar abuse in her family. And, you know, it was just,
it was in our family, like in our DNA, but it's just that history is in our family. And I,

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I just couldn't make sense of it. It's like, I know it's a whole different
group, age group, and you know, they do things, they did things differently back then, but I just,
I couldn't make sense of it. Like I was, I just remember being so depressed. I was forcing myself
to throw up. I was cutting myself. I was just looking for any sort of escape during high school.

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And, um, finally I graduated. I didn't think I could graduate just cause I feel like my mental
health was putting a huge wrench in my gears. And I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just
wrench in my gears. Like I just, I didn't, I skipped classes. I, I didn't want to go to school.

(13:09):
I missed days of school and, you know, it was one of the hardest times. I didn't want to be home.
I didn't have my sisters with me. Um, my brother was just off doing his own thing. So I felt like
I had nobody, um, in church or in, or in school. Um, so it was a really hard time dealing with

(13:35):
mental health and dealing with loneliness. Um, but again, it gave me the opportunity to kind of get
to know myself and how to cope with certain things in my life. Um, finally I moved out.
I decided I wanted to pursue, um, cosmetology and I moved out. I moved to Salt Lake city.

(13:58):
I get a lot of questions of people asking me like, why you've lived all over the world.
Why would you want to come back to Salt Lake city? And, um, it just felt right at that time.
So I moved out. I made a promise to my mom that I would, I would make the effort to go to church

(14:19):
every Sunday. And that's what I did. Um, eventually I, I started making an effort going to church.
And as much as I resented the gospel, because there was just so much heartache in my life,
I felt like, you know, I've been through so much, like heavenly father was not there for me at all.

(14:44):
Like, why should I make the effort to, you know, believe in the gospel or go to church or whatever?
But I just knew deep down inside, I was like, I know, I know that I have to do this. So, um,
I made the effort of going to church and slowly started to build back my testimony.

(15:06):
Cos I heavily relied on my mom's testimony and I just, I knew I couldn't, I knew I had to do it.
I had to make my, my own story. So, um, as if high school wasn't a huge mountain to get over,

(15:27):
adulthood was another mountain that I had to get over. That was incredibly hard, you know, living
away from family and, and having to deal with, you know, a job, school, paying bills and all that.
It was just a whole other trial that I had to get through. And it made me realize how much I had

(15:51):
living with my parents and it made me realize, oh my gosh, I had so much resentment in high school
and for what? And I realized, oh my gosh, Satan had his grasp on me at that time.
I was just, I was always depressed. I was always in my room, just looking for an escape and

(16:17):
moving out helped me realize that, oh my gosh, I just, Satan just was completely
putting a blanket over me and preventing me from seeing all the blessings I had in my life.
And moving out really helped me see that. Um, I had a loving family.

(16:41):
Although my father did that to me, I know he still loved me and it was really hard to,
you know, make amends with that in my head. It was hard to,
you know, not forget, but to forgive what happened. Um, so I eventually learned that, you know,

(17:05):
I don't have to hold onto this, onto this boulder I'm carrying. I can, I can let go. And
um, the one thing that was holding me back was all this, um, baggage that I was carrying
from high school and I can never truly flourish if I didn't learn to forgive and move on. So I learned

(17:33):
to forgive all the people in my past that had, had, had, had, had, had, had, had, had, had, had,
in my past that had done some kind of, um, some kind of mean thing to me. I learned to forgive
them. And, um, that really helped me flourish in the gospel. And I finally came to the conclusion

(17:59):
of getting my endowments. Um, my sister, the day before I came to that conclusion, this is my sister
and I had gotten into really, um, a huge argument and she ended up like hitting me and punching me
a bunch of times. And it brought me back to that dark place, um, that I used to be in, in high

(18:26):
school. And it, it just brought back all this trauma. And I was like, I don't, I don't want this.
Um, and I felt like, I felt like all that baggage was coming back onto me. It just made me, like,
I finally got rid of this hatred that I was feeling. And after that fight, it just all came back. And

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I ended up talking to my Bishop the next day and he helped me. It was really hard to talk to my
Bishop about, you know, all the trials and doubts that I was going through. And, um, it was the first
time that I finally opened up to my Bishop. Out of all the Bishops that I've had, it was the first
time I felt this trust with that Bishop. And, um, I opened up to him about everything, my childhood,

(19:19):
my struggles, my doubts, everything. And he made me feel so accepted and loved. It was the first
time that I felt a love of the gospel. Um, and it was just so overwhelming. It's the first time

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that I felt loved and the first time that I knew that Heavenly Father loved me. And that all of
these trials that I went through, you know, they were meant to be there and it, they've made me who
I am today. Um, so I continued going to church. I participated more. I finally built back up my

(20:05):
testimony and, um, I decided that I want to get, I wanted to get my endowments. So,
you know, it was a huge decision that, you know, it was so hard to make because, you know,
getting your endowments is a huge step in the gospel. And, you know, with all these,

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you know, all my friends that I had in high school, you know, I opened up about it and them
and people just being completely against the gospel, like, Oh, why, why are you doing this?
Like the church is, is so, is, you know, hypocritical and, and, you know, X, Y, and Z,
like the church is just a bad, it's wrong, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just, I knew deep

(20:48):
down inside my connection and my relationship with God was, it's just too strong to throw that away
into the side. So I finally decided to get my endowments. Um, we planned a day and my whole
family was there and oh my gosh, it was the wildest experience. You know, it was just

(21:13):
an overwhelming, overwhelming feeling of love and acceptance, like no other feeling like no other.
It just, I truly can't express the love that I felt. I was just sobbing the whole time. And yeah,
I'm a huge baby. I cry, I cry too much, but, um, but these tears were like tears of love and happiness,

(21:43):
which I feel like I've, my whole life I've been crying tears of sadness and depression and
all that. And it was the first time I was truly happy and felt accepted. And that's something I'm
never going to let go of is the gospel and how much it has given me and the blessings that I've

(22:07):
received and that I know I will continue to receive as long as I stay true to myself and
follow the gospel. Um, I just want to let people know that no matter what you're going through,
um, whether that be with, um, abuse or mental health or any kind of trial that

(22:34):
someone is going through, just know that God and Heavenly Father loves you and, and they
are the one, they are the ones that will never ever let you go and will always have your back.
Um, and I urge you to pray about it as well. Um, and that's, that's, that's my story. Yeah.

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The Story Arc is a production of Food for Thought Audio. This episode was written,
produced and edited by me, Kenny Mears. We'd like to thank today's storyteller,
Caitlin, for sharing her story. Be sure to follow us on Facebook, YouTube or Instagram,
or wherever you listen to podcasts for more content. And until next time, thanks for listening.