October 16, 2023 • 18 mins
In today's episode, Lindsay shares ideas and practices to help you bring self-awareness into your conversations. At the time of recording there are many parents having tough conversations this week as they explain world events. The goal with this episode is to help you process your feelings so that you can show up for your kids as they process their feelings.
Segment 1: Why is Self-Awareness Important
We explore the benefits of self-awareness and why it's worth taking the time to practice it.
Segment 2: Personal Self-Awareness
Lindsay shares insights around how to tune into your own feelings and reactions.
Segment 3: Holding Space for Kids' Emotions
By processing our own emotions, we can hold space for our kids. Lindsay shares a few examples of what that might look like.
Segment 4: Connecting to humanity
When we bring our awareness full-circle and using the energy from emotions to make a even just a small difference during challenging moments we can empower kids and provide them (and ourselves) with a sense of hope.
In Conclusion:
Thanks for tuning in to this episode of the Stress Nanny podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, rate the podcast here, or review us on your favorite podcast platform. And don't forget to join us next time as we explore more ways families can teach kids to regulate emotions and build resilience.
Other episodes and resources mentioned in the show:
The Stress Nanny - Talking with Kids about Strategy
The Stress Nanny - The Thought River
IHC Tips for Talking with Kids
IHC Coping with Crisis in the Media
Lindsay Miller is a kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks and playful laugh. When she's not playing catch with her daughter or rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications, Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and leave a lasting impression wherever she goes. To sign up for Lindsay's "Calm & Collected" Newsletter click here.
Lindsay Miller is a distinguished kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks and playful laugh. When she's not cheering on her daughter or rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications, Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and leave a lasting impression wherever she goes.
To sign up for Lindsay's "Calm & Collected" Newsletter click here.
To review the podcast click here.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:18):
Welcome to the Stress nannypodcast.
I'm your host Lindsay Miller.
And I'm so glad that you're heretoday.
And I'm grateful that you're apart of our podcast community.
This has been an interestingweek when it comes to parenting
and navigating world events.
I know our listener communityincludes people from all over
the world.
So my hope is that this episodelands in a way that offers you
(00:39):
support from wherever you arelistening.
Today's a solo episode and we'regoing to be talking about why
self-awareness is crucial.
When talking with kids abouttragedy.
Some of us are going to betalking to kids about tragedy
happening right before our eyes.
And others of us will be talkingabout tragedy that is
reverberating from across theocean.
(01:00):
No matter where we findourselves in this moment or in
future moments, when really hardconversations need to happen,
having awareness will enhancethe quality of our conversations
with kids.
And here's why.
When we're, self-aware, we'retaking into account several
different things.
We're noticing our own reactionand response.
We're attuned to the reactionresponse of the person in front
(01:23):
of us.
And we're putting all of theseinto a bigger context.
While, this takes place.
It allows us to be fully presentand connect with our child or
with our children.
So that they feel really seenand heard in whatever moments we
find ourselves in.
Today, we're going to exploreeach of those elements within
the context of talking with kidsabout tragedy.
(01:45):
Well, I have several otherepisodes which I'll link to in
the show notes about talkingwith kids about tragedy.
In the time that I've beenrecording this.
This last couple of weeks eventshave been particularly
challenging to process.
Acknowledging that I amprocessing them from a distance.
And we have listeners who areliving them real time.
I want to encourage anyone whofeels the need for support for
(02:07):
themselves or their children toaccess it.
As you are able, my words todayare meant to support you in
daily moments.
And there are so many skilledtherapists out there to support
traumatized children and theirfamilies.
The reason I want to focus onself-awareness as a key
component of hard conversations,is that no matter who you are or
(02:27):
where you are.
You likely felt a lot of thingsthis week.
The people around, you likelyfelt a lot of things this week
and the world at large isprocessing hard conversations
this week.
If we try to plow through,without noticing our reactions,
it's likely going to bechallenging.
If we can, to the extent thatwe're able process our feelings,
(02:49):
show up fully for our littlepeople.
Hold space for them and do allof this within the larger
context of the world, they willfeel a sense of support.
How can we do this?
I have three suggestions.
I'm going to summarize eachsuggestion and then go into them
in more detail.
The first suggestion is noticingand honoring your own reactions.
(03:10):
Because if you don't, you willlikely confuse your children.
The second is without judgingthe emotions of your child, hold
space for them to tell you howrecent events made them feel.
And the third one is rememberthat you are not alone.
The world is collectivelyreeling.
And while hard things take timeto work through focusing on the
(03:31):
helpers and finding ways to be ahelper can give us a sense of
hope.
When we keep these three thingsin mind, we can weather the
conversations.
Let's discuss each in greaterdetail.
Because I have trouble beingconcise.
My weekly coaching clients willdefinitely confirm this to you
from the email updates I sendthem that sometimes resemble
(03:51):
novels.
Each of these suggestions hastwo components.
So let's go to the first onenotice and honor your own
reactions, because if you don't,you will likely confuse your
children.
Notice and honor your reactions.
That's the first part of thisone.
This is important because if youdon't accept your feelings,
you're going to have a reallyhard time accepting your child's
(04:13):
feelings.
What we are unable to accept inourselves is extremely hard for
us to accept in others.
I'm going to repeat that.
What we are unable to accept inourselves is really hard for us
to accept in others.
You may be saying to yourself, Idon't know why I feel this way.
This didn't happen to me, or Idon't have anything to be afraid
(04:34):
of, or I don't know how I'llever get through this.
And whatever you are feelingright now is valid.
I repeat, whatever you arefeeling right now is valid.
Take a few minutes right now,feel free to pause the podcast.
If you need to I'll hold spacefor you from across the
airwaves.
Take a few deep breaths andnotice how your body feels.
Allow yourself to feel anyemotion that is surfacing.
(04:57):
If tears come let tears come.
If anger comes, let anger come.
If fear starts to creep in.
Give it space.
If grief arrives, allow herroom.
If you're not sure what you'refeeling or you just feel numb.
That's valid too.
Just don't try to plow throughyour feelings to fine.
(05:17):
I know all about this because Ido it all the time.
In addition to disconnectingfrom our own emotions when we
just plow through and say thatwe're fine, even when we're not.
The trouble is if we are clearlynot fine and our child asks us
what's wrong.
And we tell them we are fine.
They will be confused.
I remember when someone taughtthis to me and it was such an
(05:39):
aha moment.
I thought it was my job as themom to always be fine, but it
actually is really helpful forchildren when we label our
emotions for them, especiallywhen they're noticing those
emotions and guessing themcorrectly.
It's confusing to them when welabel everything as fine.
We can tell them how we'refeeling without making them feel
(06:01):
responsible for our emotions bysaying something like I'm
feeling really sad right now.
It's not your fault.
You didn't do anything wrong.
I'm taking good care of myselfwhile I'm sad and I'll be okay.
In addition to potentiallyconfusing them in their efforts
to read emotions, kids oftenthink things are their fault,
whatever it is, they make somany mistakes on a day to day
(06:22):
basis that they just kind ofassume if we're upset that they
did something to cause it.
So with that, as a default herethey are the smallest people in
the house.
It can be really helpful for usto label the emotion and let
them know that they're notresponsible for it.
So again, let's label theemotion, let them know they're
not responsible and show themthat we're taking good care of
(06:44):
ourselves while we're feelingbig things.
Feel free to substitute anyemotion for that sentence.
Instead of sad, you could useworried, afraid, frustrated,
angry.
Again, when children are givenaccurate, developmentally
appropriate information aboutemotions, they're witnessing, we
avoid confusing them, we buildtheir emotional intelligence,
(07:05):
and we make sure they know thatthey're not to blame.
Onto the second point withoutjudging the emotions of our
children, hold space for them totell us how recent events make
them feel.
Let's break this one down toowhy would we judge our child's
emotions?
Often the answer is that we feela level of discomfort with that
emotion, or we feel reallyuncomfortable with the child's
(07:27):
display of emotion.
Or we haven't been taught tohold space for other people's
emotions so any emotion ingeneral just kind of scares us
and makes us edgy.
These are all really realreasons that we might not be
okay with witnessing emotionfrom our child.
Often taking a breath, taking abreak or taking a moment to
circle back to point, numberone, noticing and honoring our
(07:48):
own reactions.
When we feel triggered by ourkids.
Those can be helpful ways to letjudgment go so we can hold space
for them to tell us how recentevents make them feel.
A common misnomer with this isthat if we allow space for our
kids to feel their feelings,their feelings will get bigger
and bigger and moreoverwhelming.
Actually the opposite is usuallytrue.
(08:09):
When we allow our children toexpress emotion, they can
process the emotions.
And they get better and betterat it with practice.
If we ignore their feelings,tell them to suck it up or not
to feel a certain way.
We increase their emotionalbaggage.
And we leave them with more andmore emotions, rocking through
their little bodies with nowhereto go.
(08:30):
When you help a childacknowledge and organize the
emotion by holding space forthem to communicate about it,
you allow them to create anarrative around it, which then
allows the brain to organize itand put it away.
Think of it kind of like acluttered room.
If your child's emotions are notallowed.
Then they just have emotionsstrewn all over the place.
And with each passing day moreand more emotions get added.
(08:53):
And it's hard to do anything inthat room because it's so full
of clutter.
Hard to walk in it hard to putanything away because you just
feel so overwhelmed by, by thecontents.
Emotions can be like that in ourbrains and in our bodies.
If we don't acknowledge andorganize them, they can clutter
our thoughts create biggermesses.
And more and more emotions tendto accumulate.
(09:15):
And when we process emotions asthey come up, it's like tidying
the room.
We can keep things manageable,by regularly addressing.
Emotions, sorting it out andgiving us space.
When we accept all of our kids'emotions, we help them keep a
tidy mind and heart.
And.
It really just allows them tofeel whatever they're feeling.
(09:35):
One thing to note here is thatour inability to sit with a big
emotion can make it feel evenbigger and scarier for kids.
Kids can already be scared bybig emotions if they get the
message from us, that whatthey're feeling is so scary that
even their most favorite adultcan't sit with it, then it must
be bad.
If we want to keep connectingwith our kids, we need to
(09:56):
continually enhance our abilityto hold space without judgment.
My last suggestion is toremember that you are not alone.
The world is collectivelyreeling and we'll hard things
take time to work through,focusing on the helpers can give
us a sense of hope.
Sometimes when we're feeling bigemotions, either in crisis or in
witnessing crisis, it just feelscompletely overwhelming.
(10:19):
And there are definitely timeswhen we need to turn it off.
If we can, if that's the placein the world that we occupy
right now, where we can turn itoff and take a break.
If that's not the place in theworld we occupy, then we do our
best to go inward, take a deepbreath and take a break.
We might look around and seeother people handling something
better than us, or you maywonder why no one seems to
(10:41):
notice the amount of sufferingthat you're currently facing.
During times of tragedy, it'simportant to realize that
everyone processes emotions intheir own way.
And while someone else's waymight not look like yours.
It doesn't mean they're notfeeling something deeply.
So giving ourselves the patienceand space to sit with our
feelings as they come up,realize we're not alone, no
(11:02):
matter where we are or whatwe're doing can be supportive.
When it comes to kids, we don'twant to overwhelm them with the
grief of the world if possibleor minimize their feelings, but
it can be helpful to them toknow they're not the only ones
experiencing something.
We can point out that there areother people who feel similarly,
we can also point them to thehelpers.
(11:23):
There's a Mr.
Rogers quote that says"When Iwas a boy and I would see scary
things in the news, my motherwould say to me, look for the
helpers.
You will always find peoplehelping." As we sit with kids in
their feelings, normalize thosefeelings, and then help them
direct their attention to thehelpers, we accept them where
they're at connect them to thelarger human family and invite
(11:45):
them to focus where they mightfeel a spark of hope.
And then we can follow that upby being the helpers in whatever
ways we can.
We don't do this in an effort tofix or remove the emotion, but
rather to use the energy fromthe emotion as a catalyst for
goodness, hope and healing,wherever possible.
Let's walk through these threeconcepts using an example to
(12:06):
illustrate each point.
I know that I'm uncomfortablewhen I feel fear.
Thanks to self-awareness.
I know that when I feel fear mystomach tightens, my shoulders
tense, my jaw clenches, and Istart grinding my teeth.
And my mind starts racingthrough all kinds of what- if
scenarios.
I know that to navigate fear.
I acknowledge it by noticing oneof its symptoms.
(12:29):
And then I ask myself what I'mfeeling fear about and whether
it's rational or irrational.
If it's a rational fear, Iexplore ways I might take action
to create more safety.
If it's an irrational fear,meaning it's very unlikely to
happen.
I label it as irrational and Ilet it float down my thought
river.
I have an episode on the thoughtriver and I'll link to that in
(12:51):
the show notes, if you're notsure what I'm referring to.
So in terms of processing recentevents, I've needed to sit with
fear more often.
I also tend to wear my emotionson my face.
So when my daughter notices, Ilook tense and asks if I'm okay
my choices are to say, yeah, I'mfine or I can honor what she's
picked up on and say,"I'mfeeling some fear right now.
(13:12):
I'm taking good care of myselfand I'll be okay." If she asks
why I'm afraid.
I might say"There are places inthe world experiencing a lot of
chaos right now, and that meansthere are people experiencing a
lot of chaos right now.
And that feels scary to me.
I'm focusing on ways I can help,but that means sitting with some
fear.
(13:32):
I'll be okay." I don't need toleave her stranded in my fear.
So I let her know I've got it.
While also acknowledging thatshe was correct in her
assumption that I was feelingsomething really strongly.
Carrying on that example forpoint number two, if she later
tells me something that she'safraid of, I might notice my own
aversion to fear coming up andtry to change the subject or
(13:54):
remind her she has nothing to beafraid of.
That wouldn't serve her though.
What I can do is listen whileshe tells me of the fears,
notice and process my ownresponses while just holding
space for her to share whatshe's afraid of.
Often kids can let go of thefears or organize them once
there's a safe space for them.
We can choose to be that safespace when we have
(14:17):
self-awareness.
One of the strategies we use forfeared at our house is something
shared by my friend, Dr.
Patty Hlava.
In actually, what was the firstepisode of the Stress Nanny
Podcast.
As a therapist, she helps herclients work through fear until
they get to a place where theyfeel safe.
So asking things like whathappens next?
And then what would you do?
(14:38):
And who will be there to helpyou then?
Can help kids practice findingtheir way through big feelings,
to a sense of safety, amidstworry.
And then for the third pointillustrated in this example,
When carrying my own fear andholding space for my child's
fear, I can also remind myselfand her that there are a lot of
(14:58):
people in the world right nowwho are filling a similar
response to world events.
While that realization alonedoesn't fix anything, it does
help us to connect to a greatersense of humanity.
As part of that conversation, Imight say it does feel so scary
when things like this happen.
There's so many people who feelthe same way.
Many of those people have usedthe energy from their fear to
(15:20):
try to help.
Usually when really awful thingshappen, if we look, we can find
the helpers, what do you thinkwe could do right now to offer
help and support for people whoneed it the most?
Before practicingself-awareness.
I used to shove down thosefeelings of fear because I
didn't like them.
They were uncomfortable.
So I'd make myself busy, ignorethem and pretend that they'd
(15:43):
just go away.
The example that I just sharedis one that I was able to have
after years and years and yearsof practice.
Because it used to be that if mydaughter brought up fear she saw
in me, I would have denied, feltembarrassed or too, proud to
admit that I was feeling fear asan adult, and that would leave
her confused and unsure of herability to identify and connect
(16:04):
with emotion.
Later on.
If she would have brought up herown fear, I wouldn't have
recognized my aversion.
I would have just tried to getrid of the emotion as quickly as
possible.
I might have even gotten reallyirritated or frustrated with her
and asked her why she was evenworrying about it, leaving her
isolated with the emotion.
And now responsible for managingthe unnecessary irritation that
(16:24):
I had just swung onto herbecause I didn't want to deal
with the emotion.
And because of my aversion,there would be no normalizing of
the emotion, no greaterconnection and no ability to
hold space for whatever sheneeded to sort through.
In short, she wouldn't have hadaccess to my 43 years of wisdom
in a moment of need, because Ididn't have the self-awareness I
needed to take care of myselfand I couldn't be present with
(16:47):
her in what she was feeling.
We have all had those moments.
I'm not here to judge any of us,but big events can often trigger
big reactions from adults andkids alike and I know we all
want to show up for our kids thebest that we can.
The more we can practiceself-awareness, understand
ourselves, hold space for ourkids and then seek to connect
(17:08):
the more we can skillfully workwith whatever emotions come up,
even during trying times.
I hope these tips andsuggestions have been helpful
and that they allow you to showup this week in the ways that
you want to.
I'll put links to the episodes Ireferenced as well as several
other links that might behelpful in the show notes.
(17:29):
I hope that you're able to takecare of yourself this week in at
least some small way no matterwhere you are.
If this has been supportive foryou feel free to share it with a
friend And feel free to followalong for other ideas on how to
navigate big emotions with kids.
Until next time take good careof yourself i'm sending love and
(17:51):
support your way.
Thanks again for being here
Welcome to the Stress nannypodcast.
I'm your host Lindsay Miller.
And I'm so glad that you're heretoday.
And I'm grateful that you're apart of our podcast community.
This has been an interestingweek when it comes to parenting
and navigating world events.
I know our listener communityincludes people from all over
the world.
So my hope is that this episodelands in a way that offers you
(00:39):
support from wherever you arelistening.
Today's a solo episode and we'regoing to be talking about why
self-awareness is crucial.
When talking with kids abouttragedy.
Some of us are going to betalking to kids about tragedy
happening right before our eyes.
And others of us will be talkingabout tragedy that is
reverberating from across theocean.
(01:00):
No matter where we findourselves in this moment or in
future moments, when really hardconversations need to happen,
having awareness will enhancethe quality of our conversations
with kids.
And here's why.
When we're, self-aware, we'retaking into account several
different things.
We're noticing our own reactionand response.
We're attuned to the reactionresponse of the person in front
(01:23):
of us.
And we're putting all of theseinto a bigger context.
While, this takes place.
It allows us to be fully presentand connect with our child or
with our children.
So that they feel really seenand heard in whatever moments we
find ourselves in.
Today, we're going to exploreeach of those elements within
the context of talking with kidsabout tragedy.
(01:45):
Well, I have several otherepisodes which I'll link to in
the show notes about talkingwith kids about tragedy.
In the time that I've beenrecording this.
This last couple of weeks eventshave been particularly
challenging to process.
Acknowledging that I amprocessing them from a distance.
And we have listeners who areliving them real time.
I want to encourage anyone whofeels the need for support for
(02:07):
themselves or their children toaccess it.
As you are able, my words todayare meant to support you in
daily moments.
And there are so many skilledtherapists out there to support
traumatized children and theirfamilies.
The reason I want to focus onself-awareness as a key
component of hard conversations,is that no matter who you are or
(02:27):
where you are.
You likely felt a lot of thingsthis week.
The people around, you likelyfelt a lot of things this week
and the world at large isprocessing hard conversations
this week.
If we try to plow through,without noticing our reactions,
it's likely going to bechallenging.
If we can, to the extent thatwe're able process our feelings,
(02:49):
show up fully for our littlepeople.
Hold space for them and do allof this within the larger
context of the world, they willfeel a sense of support.
How can we do this?
I have three suggestions.
I'm going to summarize eachsuggestion and then go into them
in more detail.
The first suggestion is noticingand honoring your own reactions.
(03:10):
Because if you don't, you willlikely confuse your children.
The second is without judgingthe emotions of your child, hold
space for them to tell you howrecent events made them feel.
And the third one is rememberthat you are not alone.
The world is collectivelyreeling.
And while hard things take timeto work through focusing on the
(03:31):
helpers and finding ways to be ahelper can give us a sense of
hope.
When we keep these three thingsin mind, we can weather the
conversations.
Let's discuss each in greaterdetail.
Because I have trouble beingconcise.
My weekly coaching clients willdefinitely confirm this to you
from the email updates I sendthem that sometimes resemble
(03:51):
novels.
Each of these suggestions hastwo components.
So let's go to the first onenotice and honor your own
reactions, because if you don't,you will likely confuse your
children.
Notice and honor your reactions.
That's the first part of thisone.
This is important because if youdon't accept your feelings,
you're going to have a reallyhard time accepting your child's
(04:13):
feelings.
What we are unable to accept inourselves is extremely hard for
us to accept in others.
I'm going to repeat that.
What we are unable to accept inourselves is really hard for us
to accept in others.
You may be saying to yourself, Idon't know why I feel this way.
This didn't happen to me, or Idon't have anything to be afraid
(04:34):
of, or I don't know how I'llever get through this.
And whatever you are feelingright now is valid.
I repeat, whatever you arefeeling right now is valid.
Take a few minutes right now,feel free to pause the podcast.
If you need to I'll hold spacefor you from across the
airwaves.
Take a few deep breaths andnotice how your body feels.
Allow yourself to feel anyemotion that is surfacing.
(04:57):
If tears come let tears come.
If anger comes, let anger come.
If fear starts to creep in.
Give it space.
If grief arrives, allow herroom.
If you're not sure what you'refeeling or you just feel numb.
That's valid too.
Just don't try to plow throughyour feelings to fine.
(05:17):
I know all about this because Ido it all the time.
In addition to disconnectingfrom our own emotions when we
just plow through and say thatwe're fine, even when we're not.
The trouble is if we are clearlynot fine and our child asks us
what's wrong.
And we tell them we are fine.
They will be confused.
I remember when someone taughtthis to me and it was such an
(05:39):
aha moment.
I thought it was my job as themom to always be fine, but it
actually is really helpful forchildren when we label our
emotions for them, especiallywhen they're noticing those
emotions and guessing themcorrectly.
It's confusing to them when welabel everything as fine.
We can tell them how we'refeeling without making them feel
(06:01):
responsible for our emotions bysaying something like I'm
feeling really sad right now.
It's not your fault.
You didn't do anything wrong.
I'm taking good care of myselfwhile I'm sad and I'll be okay.
In addition to potentiallyconfusing them in their efforts
to read emotions, kids oftenthink things are their fault,
whatever it is, they make somany mistakes on a day to day
(06:22):
basis that they just kind ofassume if we're upset that they
did something to cause it.
So with that, as a default herethey are the smallest people in
the house.
It can be really helpful for usto label the emotion and let
them know that they're notresponsible for it.
So again, let's label theemotion, let them know they're
not responsible and show themthat we're taking good care of
(06:44):
ourselves while we're feelingbig things.
Feel free to substitute anyemotion for that sentence.
Instead of sad, you could useworried, afraid, frustrated,
angry.
Again, when children are givenaccurate, developmentally
appropriate information aboutemotions, they're witnessing, we
avoid confusing them, we buildtheir emotional intelligence,
(07:05):
and we make sure they know thatthey're not to blame.
Onto the second point withoutjudging the emotions of our
children, hold space for them totell us how recent events make
them feel.
Let's break this one down toowhy would we judge our child's
emotions?
Often the answer is that we feela level of discomfort with that
emotion, or we feel reallyuncomfortable with the child's
(07:27):
display of emotion.
Or we haven't been taught tohold space for other people's
emotions so any emotion ingeneral just kind of scares us
and makes us edgy.
These are all really realreasons that we might not be
okay with witnessing emotionfrom our child.
Often taking a breath, taking abreak or taking a moment to
circle back to point, numberone, noticing and honoring our
(07:48):
own reactions.
When we feel triggered by ourkids.
Those can be helpful ways to letjudgment go so we can hold space
for them to tell us how recentevents make them feel.
A common misnomer with this isthat if we allow space for our
kids to feel their feelings,their feelings will get bigger
and bigger and moreoverwhelming.
Actually the opposite is usuallytrue.
(08:09):
When we allow our children toexpress emotion, they can
process the emotions.
And they get better and betterat it with practice.
If we ignore their feelings,tell them to suck it up or not
to feel a certain way.
We increase their emotionalbaggage.
And we leave them with more andmore emotions, rocking through
their little bodies with nowhereto go.
(08:30):
When you help a childacknowledge and organize the
emotion by holding space forthem to communicate about it,
you allow them to create anarrative around it, which then
allows the brain to organize itand put it away.
Think of it kind of like acluttered room.
If your child's emotions are notallowed.
Then they just have emotionsstrewn all over the place.
And with each passing day moreand more emotions get added.
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And it's hard to do anything inthat room because it's so full
of clutter.
Hard to walk in it hard to putanything away because you just
feel so overwhelmed by, by thecontents.
Emotions can be like that in ourbrains and in our bodies.
If we don't acknowledge andorganize them, they can clutter
our thoughts create biggermesses.
And more and more emotions tendto accumulate.
(09:15):
And when we process emotions asthey come up, it's like tidying
the room.
We can keep things manageable,by regularly addressing.
Emotions, sorting it out andgiving us space.
When we accept all of our kids'emotions, we help them keep a
tidy mind and heart.
And.
It really just allows them tofeel whatever they're feeling.
(09:35):
One thing to note here is thatour inability to sit with a big
emotion can make it feel evenbigger and scarier for kids.
Kids can already be scared bybig emotions if they get the
message from us, that whatthey're feeling is so scary that
even their most favorite adultcan't sit with it, then it must
be bad.
If we want to keep connectingwith our kids, we need to
(09:56):
continually enhance our abilityto hold space without judgment.
My last suggestion is toremember that you are not alone.
The world is collectivelyreeling and we'll hard things
take time to work through,focusing on the helpers can give
us a sense of hope.
Sometimes when we're feeling bigemotions, either in crisis or in
witnessing crisis, it just feelscompletely overwhelming.
(10:19):
And there are definitely timeswhen we need to turn it off.
If we can, if that's the placein the world that we occupy
right now, where we can turn itoff and take a break.
If that's not the place in theworld we occupy, then we do our
best to go inward, take a deepbreath and take a break.
We might look around and seeother people handling something
better than us, or you maywonder why no one seems to
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notice the amount of sufferingthat you're currently facing.
During times of tragedy, it'simportant to realize that
everyone processes emotions intheir own way.
And while someone else's waymight not look like yours.
It doesn't mean they're notfeeling something deeply.
So giving ourselves the patienceand space to sit with our
feelings as they come up,realize we're not alone, no
(11:02):
matter where we are or whatwe're doing can be supportive.
When it comes to kids, we don'twant to overwhelm them with the
grief of the world if possibleor minimize their feelings, but
it can be helpful to them toknow they're not the only ones
experiencing something.
We can point out that there areother people who feel similarly,
we can also point them to thehelpers.
(11:23):
There's a Mr.
Rogers quote that says"When Iwas a boy and I would see scary
things in the news, my motherwould say to me, look for the
helpers.
You will always find peoplehelping." As we sit with kids in
their feelings, normalize thosefeelings, and then help them
direct their attention to thehelpers, we accept them where
they're at connect them to thelarger human family and invite
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them to focus where they mightfeel a spark of hope.
And then we can follow that upby being the helpers in whatever
ways we can.
We don't do this in an effort tofix or remove the emotion, but
rather to use the energy fromthe emotion as a catalyst for
goodness, hope and healing,wherever possible.
Let's walk through these threeconcepts using an example to
(12:06):
illustrate each point.
I know that I'm uncomfortablewhen I feel fear.
Thanks to self-awareness.
I know that when I feel fear mystomach tightens, my shoulders
tense, my jaw clenches, and Istart grinding my teeth.
And my mind starts racingthrough all kinds of what- if
scenarios.
I know that to navigate fear.
I acknowledge it by noticing oneof its symptoms.
(12:29):
And then I ask myself what I'mfeeling fear about and whether
it's rational or irrational.
If it's a rational fear, Iexplore ways I might take action
to create more safety.
If it's an irrational fear,meaning it's very unlikely to
happen.
I label it as irrational and Ilet it float down my thought
river.
I have an episode on the thoughtriver and I'll link to that in
(12:51):
the show notes, if you're notsure what I'm referring to.
So in terms of processing recentevents, I've needed to sit with
fear more often.
I also tend to wear my emotionson my face.
So when my daughter notices, Ilook tense and asks if I'm okay
my choices are to say, yeah, I'mfine or I can honor what she's
picked up on and say,"I'mfeeling some fear right now.
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I'm taking good care of myselfand I'll be okay." If she asks
why I'm afraid.
I might say"There are places inthe world experiencing a lot of
chaos right now, and that meansthere are people experiencing a
lot of chaos right now.
And that feels scary to me.
I'm focusing on ways I can help,but that means sitting with some
fear.
(13:32):
I'll be okay." I don't need toleave her stranded in my fear.
So I let her know I've got it.
While also acknowledging thatshe was correct in her
assumption that I was feelingsomething really strongly.
Carrying on that example forpoint number two, if she later
tells me something that she'safraid of, I might notice my own
aversion to fear coming up andtry to change the subject or
(13:54):
remind her she has nothing to beafraid of.
That wouldn't serve her though.
What I can do is listen whileshe tells me of the fears,
notice and process my ownresponses while just holding
space for her to share whatshe's afraid of.
Often kids can let go of thefears or organize them once
there's a safe space for them.
We can choose to be that safespace when we have
(14:17):
self-awareness.
One of the strategies we use forfeared at our house is something
shared by my friend, Dr.
Patty Hlava.
In actually, what was the firstepisode of the Stress Nanny
Podcast.
As a therapist, she helps herclients work through fear until
they get to a place where theyfeel safe.
So asking things like whathappens next?
And then what would you do?
(14:38):
And who will be there to helpyou then?
Can help kids practice findingtheir way through big feelings,
to a sense of safety, amidstworry.
And then for the third pointillustrated in this example,
When carrying my own fear andholding space for my child's
fear, I can also remind myselfand her that there are a lot of
(14:58):
people in the world right nowwho are filling a similar
response to world events.
While that realization alonedoesn't fix anything, it does
help us to connect to a greatersense of humanity.
As part of that conversation, Imight say it does feel so scary
when things like this happen.
There's so many people who feelthe same way.
Many of those people have usedthe energy from their fear to
(15:20):
try to help.
Usually when really awful thingshappen, if we look, we can find
the helpers, what do you thinkwe could do right now to offer
help and support for people whoneed it the most?
Before practicingself-awareness.
I used to shove down thosefeelings of fear because I
didn't like them.
They were uncomfortable.
So I'd make myself busy, ignorethem and pretend that they'd
(15:43):
just go away.
The example that I just sharedis one that I was able to have
after years and years and yearsof practice.
Because it used to be that if mydaughter brought up fear she saw
in me, I would have denied, feltembarrassed or too, proud to
admit that I was feeling fear asan adult, and that would leave
her confused and unsure of herability to identify and connect
(16:04):
with emotion.
Later on.
If she would have brought up herown fear, I wouldn't have
recognized my aversion.
I would have just tried to getrid of the emotion as quickly as
possible.
I might have even gotten reallyirritated or frustrated with her
and asked her why she was evenworrying about it, leaving her
isolated with the emotion.
And now responsible for managingthe unnecessary irritation that
(16:24):
I had just swung onto herbecause I didn't want to deal
with the emotion.
And because of my aversion,there would be no normalizing of
the emotion, no greaterconnection and no ability to
hold space for whatever sheneeded to sort through.
In short, she wouldn't have hadaccess to my 43 years of wisdom
in a moment of need, because Ididn't have the self-awareness I
needed to take care of myselfand I couldn't be present with
(16:47):
her in what she was feeling.
We have all had those moments.
I'm not here to judge any of us,but big events can often trigger
big reactions from adults andkids alike and I know we all
want to show up for our kids thebest that we can.
The more we can practiceself-awareness, understand
ourselves, hold space for ourkids and then seek to connect
(17:08):
the more we can skillfully workwith whatever emotions come up,
even during trying times.
I hope these tips andsuggestions have been helpful
and that they allow you to showup this week in the ways that
you want to.
I'll put links to the episodes Ireferenced as well as several
other links that might behelpful in the show notes.
(17:29):
I hope that you're able to takecare of yourself this week in at
least some small way no matterwhere you are.
If this has been supportive foryou feel free to share it with a
friend And feel free to followalong for other ideas on how to
navigate big emotions with kids.
Until next time take good careof yourself i'm sending love and
(17:51):
support your way.
Thanks again for being here
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