August 28, 2025 • 35 mins
Ever wondered why stress seems hardwired into our daily experience? Stanford professor and pediatric intensive care physician Dr. Greg Hammer returns to The Stress Nanny podcast to unpack this question and share his revolutionary GAIN method for stress reduction.
Dr. Hammer explains that our brains evolved with a negativity bias that once served our ancestors well but now interferes with our happiness. This tendency to remember negative experiences and overthink both past and future creates physiological stress responses—elevated adrenaline and cortisol, increased heart rate and blood pressure—that cascade into sleep disturbances, fatigue, poor dietary choices, and a self-perpetuating cycle of stress.
For today's children, especially teenagers, the burden is particularly severe. They're navigating unprecedented challenges—social media pressures, climate anxiety, school shooting concerns—while still developing the resilience skills needed to cope. As Dr. Hammer poignantly observes, they're "drinking from a fire hose" of stressors without the years of coping mechanisms adults have developed.
The GAIN method offers a practical framework accessible to both adults and children. This acronym—standing for Gratitude, Acceptance, Intention, and Non-judgment—can be practiced in just three minutes each morning through a combination of mindful breathing and sequential focus on each element. The practice activates the parasympathetic nervous system while rewiring neural pathways through neuroplasticity, creating what Dr. Hammer calls "light bulb moments" throughout the day when we notice ourselves being ungrateful, resistant, or judgmental.
Perhaps most powerfully, Dr. Hammer emphasizes that teaching mindfulness to children works best through modeling rather than instruction. When parents practice mindfulness themselves—taking those deep breaths during stressful moments or expressing gratitude regularly—children absorb these behaviors naturally. As he reminds us, "They are watching closely; they don't miss a thing."
Ready to transform your family's stress response with just three minutes each morning? Listen now to discover how the GAIN method can help you and your children build resilience, happiness, and emotional regulation skills that last a lifetime. Learn more about Dr. Hammer's work visit www. greghammermd.com
Lindsay Miller is a distinguished kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks and playful laugh. When she's not cheering on her daughter or rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications, Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and leave a lasting impression wherever she goes.
To sign up for Lindsay's "Calm & Collected" Newsletter click here.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Welcome to the Stress Nanny, the podcast where we
take the overwhelm out ofparenting and help kids and
parents build calm, confidenceand connection.
I'm your host, Lindsay Miller,kids mindfulness coach and
cheerleader for busy familieseverywhere.
Each week, we'll explore simpletools, uplifting stories and
practical strategies to helpyour child learn emotional
(00:41):
regulation, resilience andself-confidence, while giving
you a little more peace of mindtoo.
I'm so glad you're here.
My guest today is Dr GregHammer.
He's a professor at StanfordUniversity School of Medicine,
pediatric intensive carephysician, pediatric
anesthesiologist, mindfulnessexpert and author of the Gain
Without Pain Happiness Handbookfor Healthcare Professionals.
(01:04):
And author of the Gain WithoutPain Happiness Handbook for
Healthcare Professionals.
A member of the Stanford WellMDInitiative, dr Hammer is the
former chair of the PhysicianWellness Task Force for the
California Society ofAnesthesiologists.
He has been a visitingprofessor and lecturer on
wellness at institutionsworldwide and teaches gain to
medical students, residents andfellows at Stanford.
Dr Hammer's clinical focus isin pediatric cardiac anesthesia
(01:29):
and pediatric critical caremedicine.
His research is indevelopmental pharmacology and
immunology and he has an activelaboratory with multiple ongoing
studies in these areas.
He's published widely on topicsrelated to pharmacology and
perioperative care of childrenundergoing cardiac and thoracic
procedures, as well as organtransplantation.
(01:49):
Dr Hammer isa, healthenthusiast and meditator,
utilizing a non-duality andmindfulness-based approach,
including his GAIN method.
Dr Hammer, thanks so much forcoming onto the podcast again.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Oh, it's really my pleasure, so great to be with
you.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
So you may remember Dr Hammer from when he spoke
with us about his GAIN methodand I love the conversation so
much and felt like his expertiseis so needed in our world today
that I asked him to come backexplore GAIN with us a little
bit more and give us a littlebit more insight on why stress
levels are so high these days,especially among children, but
(02:28):
plenty high among adults as well.
Dr Hammer, can you give us justkind of a glimpse into your
perspective on stress levels?
What has been going on that'sbeen causing stress levels to
just be constantly elevated, andthen how is that manifesting in
people's lives?
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Great question, lindsay.
First, I would emphasize thatlife itself is stressful, right,
we all are fearful of thingsthat may happen, perhaps hyper
aware of things that havehappened that are not to our
liking.
We're worried about ourmortality.
What's going to happen to us?
We're worried about ourmortality.
(03:08):
What's going to happen to us?
That is a baseline level ofstress that we all share.
It's just part of life.
In fact, tens of thousands ofyears ago it may have been
adaptive, to be stressed.
For example, I can imagineearly Homo sapiens in their cave
trying to keep the fire goingto keep their family warm, and
there could be a saber-toothedtiger lurking outside the mouth
(03:28):
of their cave.
And that wariness, thatstressed experience, that
increased in adrenalinecirculating in their body may
have been an evolutionaryadvantage.
It may have helped them livelonger, procreate more and hence
, perhaps the genes for thesetraits were propagated widely in
(03:50):
the population over thousandsof years.
So fast forward.
Here we are.
Now there is no saber-toothedtiger lurking outside the mouth
of our cave, but we have hadcertain traits hardwired into
our brains and they mayapparently interfere with our
ability to be happy, which,let's face it, happiness is the
(04:11):
only thing that apparentlyalmost 8 billion of us really
want?
I'm told that we're almost upto 8 billion on the planet and
we all just want one thing, andthat is happiness.
What is it about our brainsthat interferes with that
happiness and underscores ourstress levels?
One is that we tend to have anegativity bias.
(04:32):
We tend to remember thenegative and forget about the
positive.
And we all can, if we thinkabout it, remember many examples
in our lives of this.
And the other quality that weall have is that we overthink
the past and the future.
So of course it's adaptive tothink of the past, to savor our
good memories, perhaps remembereven our mistakes, to the extent
(04:56):
that we don't keep making them.
But beyond that, we overthinkthe past, we overthink our
mistakes, and that generates alot of self-judgment, shame,
regret, low self-esteem.
And likewise with the future.
It's certainly adaptive to planto put bread on the table and
plan for wonderful times, but weoverthink the future.
And back to that early Homosapiens overthinking the future
(05:20):
what's the worst thing thatcould happen?
While that may have beenadaptive under those
circumstances 50,000 years ago,it's probably not adaptive now,
because we imagine the worstthing that will happen, even
though it will almost certainlynever happen, and that increases
our stress levels.
One might ask what is stress?
Stress is that experience thatcauses an increase in our
(05:47):
adrenaline levels, an increasein a hormone called cortisol.
Stress interferes with ournormal balance of hormones.
It interferes with our sleep.
Therefore we get fatigued.
When we're fatigued, we tend tonot exercise as much as we'd
like to.
Our diet even tends todeteriorate.
(06:10):
I can certainly say that whenwe nurses, physicians,
respiratory therapists and otherhealthcare professionals are
fatigued, we're much more likelyto stop at the nursing station
where we see this nice box ofSee's candies that a grateful
patient left there and pick oneor two up.
So we tend to eat sugary, fatty, so-called comfort foods when
(06:33):
we're stressed and fatigued andthis is kind of a
self-propagating cycle, right,we have stress, we have too much
adrenaline, our heart rate'selevated, our blood pressure's
elevated, our cortisol iselevated, our blood sugar goes
up, we're prone to diabetes, ourdiet deteriorates, obesity and
these things kind of propelthemselves.
(06:54):
So we're fatigued, we don'texercise, we don't eat well, our
sleep deteriorates further,we're more fatigued, etc.
So that's just the nature ofour life is to have some degree
of stress.
But I think we can all agreethat we've had circumstances in
the world that have made itprobably the most stressful time
that I've experienced in mylifetime, with, obviously, the
(07:15):
COVID pandemic, war in Ukraine,bizarre weather that makes us
fearful, that you know.
Imagine being a teenager nowand wondering if there's going
to be a planet for your childrenin 30 years or so, or 20 years.
So there's just so much anxietyand so much stress based on
circumstances around us thatit's pretty hard not to
(07:38):
experience that.
So the key and we can talkabout this in as much detail as
we have time for, if you'd likehow do we reduce the stress in
our lives?
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Yeah, thank you for that, and I think you bring up
so many good points and one ofthe things that is striking to
me you mentioned teenagers andconcern and worry.
And obviously you and I you as apediatric physician and then me
as the mindfulness coach forkids we both have a vested
interest in the well-being ofchildren, right, and I think
that there's so much insight andperspective we can get when we
(08:12):
realize like these teenagers andthese little kids eight years
old, 10 years old a big portionof their lives have been lived
during this time when we'reexperiencing epic amounts of
stress, right.
And so if as adults, we'restruggling to kind of navigate
the burden of it and we'restruggling to care for ourselves
(08:33):
amidst all the day-to-dayconcerns or disrupted schedules
and routines, like there's justbeen so much for adults to adapt
to and we have years and yearsof resilience and coping skills
that we've been working on thatwe can pull out in these moments
and employ to navigate andmitigate stress.
But for kids, they're justlearning the skills, right.
(08:54):
It's like drinking out of afire hose right now, trying to
figure out how to build enoughresilience to the stresses that
they're facing in order for themto kind of stay afloat amidst
this craziness and, I think,this conversation we're going to
have today around how to reduceit.
It's crucial for adults right,because we're creating these
environments for kids and caringfor them, but it's so important
(09:15):
to model for kids so that theycan add yet another skill to
their stress resilience toolbox.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Absolutely.
I'm actually writing a book nowabout mindfulness for teenagers
, really targeting parents,teachers, counselors, school
administrators.
And the factors that causestress amongst our precious
teenagers are legion from socialmedia.
You know these apps that aredesigned with artificial
(09:45):
intelligence to keep teens gluedto their phones, swiping one
way or another or what have you.
The number of hours they end upspending on their screens is
just crazy, and even at theexpense of their sleep they get
in bed with their cell phones.
And then we talked about theclimate anxiety.
(10:06):
Is there gonna be a planet formy children?
Am I gonna have children Moreimmediately?
Should I wear a bulletproofvest to school today?
It's just unfathomable.
I mean, every morning when Iget my 10 minutes of news on CNN
, there's another shooting.
It's just absolutely insane.
And then, of course, you havethese surging hormones and
(10:29):
underdeveloped frontal lobe andexecutive function and decision
makings, with all theimpulsivity that teenagers tend
to embody, and you could go onand on and on.
I just think that life forteenagers now is uber stressful
and how can we help them?
And my book is really embracingthe GAIN ideals.
(10:51):
And GAIN is an acronym forgratitude, acceptance, intention
and non-judgment.
So we can talk about that, butit's through really the
embracing and embodying of theseprinciples with our children,
young children, teenagers, adultchildren who are just kind of
making their way.
This is how I think we can helpour children.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Yeah, yeah, that's so beautifully put.
I think the depth of sufferingthat they're kind of seeing and
the depth of awareness thatthey're experiencing on a
day-to-day basis simply becausethey have access to the
information, like you're saying,the awareness that they carry
for all of these things ismassive.
(11:42):
And so these tools that we'regoing to explore, the GAIN
method I love it so much becauseI think it's such a concise way
to give kids and adults smallsteps to take to build that
resilience so that they canoperate and function with
happiness, with a sense ofresilience and with the
awareness that they need, butalso the ability to filter it
(12:04):
right, Like to filter theawareness and only take in the
stuff that is useful to them,that is serving them and that is
going to propel them forward ina meaningful and skillful way,
as opposed to kind of pull themback.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Yes, beautifully put.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
So let's dive in.
I know we talked about it alittle bit on the last episode,
but I wanted to give us a littlebit more space to explore,
especially as it pertains tofamilies.
The first one gratitude.
Do you want to maybe just gothrough the pillars and then we
can dive back in and talk aboutspecific practices that might be
applicable for each?
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Absolutely Well, I think we could first start with
the practice actually.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
What is the gain?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
method, for example.
And again, these four domainsof gratitude, acceptance,
intention and non-judgment arereally universal.
They are embodied by allwonderful spiritual and
philosophic traditions.
So there's nothing new here,just a matter of framing these
ways of thinking and being in away that we can remember and
(13:09):
incorporate into a dailypractice.
And so the game practice in themorning can be done in as
little as three minutes.
So we wake up, we open theblinds Hopefully there's some
wonderful light out there we maywant to do our morning hygiene
thing, and then we just find acomfortable place to sit.
You know, meditation does nothave to take 30 minutes.
It does not have to be done incomplete stillness, refraining
(13:32):
from scratching an itch orbanishing all thoughts from our
heads.
So this can be a relativelybrief practice and sit in a
comfortable chair, in acomfortable position, and
instead of trying to banish allthoughts, I'm actually going to
suggest thoughts on which we canfocus.
That's much easier than tryingnot to have any thoughts.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
So true.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
So we sit, let's start with the breath.
I think the breath is such anunderappreciation.
One thing is let's take anintentional breath through our
nose and exhale through our noseso we slow the breath down.
Let's take a slow in-breath toa count of three, pause to a
count of three and then gentlyrelax and let the breath go
(14:19):
without effort to a count offour.
So if those are each one second, that's seven seconds and we
will unconsciously slow ourrespiratory rate to about eight.
And when we slow our breathingrate we actually stimulate
what's called theparasympathetic nervous system
and that results in a reductionof epinephrine, or commonly
(14:40):
known as adrenaline, in our body.
It lowers our heart rate, itlowers our blood pressure in a
healthy way.
It lowers our cortisol, and sowe relax into this beautiful
rhythm of slow, intentionalbreathing through our nose into
a count of three, pausing to acount of three.
Our nose into a count of three,pausing to a count of three,
(15:02):
relaxing and exhaling to a slowcount of four.
And then we enter the domain ofthe gain element.
So first we think aboutgratitude, we focus our thoughts
on that for which we aregrateful, and this can be loved
ones in our lives.
In my case, it also involvessuch gratitude for the privilege
of practicing medicine andtreating these beautiful
children and their families.
(15:23):
Gratitude for my health, eventhough my health is not perfect
it certainly could be worseGratitude for living in a safe
place I'm grateful that I don'tlive in a war-torn place where I
can hear bombs exploding in thebackground continuously.
So we all have much for whichto be grateful.
So we link our breath to thisgratitude that we feel and then
(15:46):
we transition to acceptance.
And it's very important,lindsay, as you know, to
acknowledge the pain in ourlives.
Pain is as much a part of ourexperience as joy.
So take the pain of losing aloved one.
I lost my beautiful 29-year-oldboy five years ago.
So that pain is there.
And there's a formula in thebook suffering equals pain times
(16:08):
resistance.
You know we love formulas inmedicine, right?
Blood pressure equals cardiacoutput times resistance.
Or in any kind of physicsenvironment, whether it's gas,
fluid, electricity, let's saypressure equals flow times
resistance.
So suffering equals pain timesresistance.
The pain is there.
(16:29):
And again, according to theserenity prayer, there are
things that are painful that wecan change and those that we
cannot change.
So let's distinguish betweenthem and take something painful
that we cannot change andactually focus on it, as we also
focus on our breath and bringthat painful thought or
experience closer and closer.
(16:50):
Imagine opening our chest,opening our heart, bringing that
pain into our heart, envelopingit with our heart, nurturing it
with our heart until when weask ourselves the question.
Enveloping it with our heart,nurturing it with our heart,
until when we ask ourselves thequestion can I live with this
pain forever?
The answer is yes, and we'vedropped our resistance and
diminished our suffering and wetransition to intention.
(17:12):
And I love Dr Jon Kabat-Zinn'sdefinition of mindfulness, which
I think could be a definitionof happiness.
Definition of mindfulness,which I think could be a
definition of happinessAwareness of the present moment
on purpose, non-judgmentally.
And the on purpose or intentionis key because we have default
modes of thinking and being thatappear to be hardwired into the
way we think, into our brains.
(17:32):
And the good news is we havethis amazing quality called
neuroplasticity.
That means that we can changethe way our brains, these
neuronal connections andsynapses and patterns in our
brain can be modified, they canbe changed, but we have to have
a plan, we have to have purposeor intention.
(17:53):
So let's first, focus ourintention on being present,
being aware of the presentmoment.
Just think about the sensationin our body, against the chair.
Focus on that little tinglingsensation at the bottom of our
feet.
Focus on something we'relistening, we can hear in the
background.
I live sort of halfway inbetween San Francisco
International Airport and SanJose Airport, so as I'm focused
(18:17):
on my breath with my eyes closed, and I'm on the eye and gain or
intention, my plan and myintention is to be present.
So I'm focusing on my presentphysical experiences and I can
often hear an airplane going byin the distance, that lovely
little Doppler effect of theincrease in pitch as it becomes
closer and then the decrease inpitch as it becomes more distant
(18:40):
and focus on the air enteringour body through our nose.
These are the present momentexperiences that we're having.
And even if we can do thiscomfortably only for five or ten
seconds before other thoughtscreep in, fine, allow those
other thoughts and re-guide themback to intention or purpose.
Remind ourselves that we havethe power of rewiring our brains
(19:01):
.
So our intention is to be morepresent and more positive, more
grateful, more accepting, morenonjudgmental.
So these elements are allinterrelated and we transition
to the end and gain, which isnonjudgment.
So we might picture one ofthese beautiful NASA images of
the Earth, the Earth apparentlysuspended in space.
(19:21):
And it's clear that the Earthis neither good nor bad.
The Earth is simply a planet.
We can look at it with whatFrancis Lucille might call
benevolent indifference.
Yes, it's lovely and it is whatit is.
So, in that sense, I'mindifferent to it.
I'm not trying to change it,I'm accepting it.
It is what it is.
So, in that sense, I'mindifferent to it.
I'm not trying to change it,I'm accepting it.
(19:42):
It is what it is.
It's a lovely planet.
It's clearly neither good norbad, and so it's only rational
for me to think I too am simplythe person that I am.
I am neither good nor bad.
With all of my traits, with allof my ways of thinking and
being.
I am neither good nor bad.
I am simply the person that Iam.
(20:04):
I am that I am.
I am.
And we return to our focus onthe breath, slowing it down, so
peaceful, and then we slowlyopen our eyes and we're ready to
go out in the day.
So the lovely thing about thisprocess of rewiring our brains
is that something beautiful andrather automatic happens when
(20:27):
we're being ungrateful, whenwe're sort of whining and
complaining about what mydaughter would call a first
world problem.
Okay, like, oh my gosh, here inthe Bay Area we've had
torrential rains and wind andmany of us lost power for a
period of time.
So, oh, the power's out.
Oh, bummer, I can't be at mycomputer, I can't turn on the
lights and read a book.
(20:48):
And then a little light bulbgoes off.
Oh, I'm being ungrateful, I'mwhining.
Here I am in this beautifulhome, in this beautiful place,
with my beautiful neighbors, andI'm having a very first world
problem, a temporary, probablyreasonably brief power outage,
and I'm complaining.
Let me refocus my thoughts inthis light bulb moment to being
(21:08):
grateful for the 99 point,something percent of time that
the power is on, compared toothers who have no power in
their home, who may not evenhave a home, who may live in a
part of the world where thepower is out.
It's the middle of winter, it'sfreezing outside and I don't
have enough food and I don'thave power.
I mean, honestly, am I reallygoing to complain and be
(21:30):
ungrateful about the powerhaving gone out?
So that light bulb moment willbe something that happens when
we're being ungrateful,resisting, unintentional and
judgmental, and that's thebeauty of this daily practice.
We are, little by little,reprogramming our brains in ways
that are conducive to ourhappiness, and when we do this
(21:51):
with our kids.
So maybe we have a gratitude,acceptance, intention or
non-judgment minute.
When we sit down to have dinneror while they're having their
cereal and I'm making theirlunch in the morning, let's
focus on the food that we'reeating and be grateful for the
person that planted those seedsand nurtured those grains and
(22:12):
harvested them and sent them offand they got packaged and now
they're so conveniently locatedin the local grocery store.
You know this is rathermiraculous.
Let's be grateful to thoseindividuals who got the ball
rolling, and so on.
So have a grateful minute, havean accepting minute, have a
(22:34):
minute of purposefulness and aminute of non-judgment.
Maybe one of those once a daywith our children and then have
that creep into the way weinteract with them in general.
And it's not complicated, itsimply takes purpose.
It takes having a plan.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Yeah, yeah, thank you for walking us through that
practice.
I enjoyed it as I was sittinghere experiencing it myself, and
I agree that just creating theplan and creating some spaces,
even if they're tiny spaces,whether you know, I like to do
it like you're describing justwhen I roll out of bed in the
morning, that's the time when Ido my meditation and connect,
(23:15):
because I think it's easier forme throughout the day to return
to it instead of trying to findit.
If I can find that piece rightoff and that perspective, and if
I can connect with somegratitude, acceptance, intention
and non-judgment, thenthroughout the day, like you're
saying, it's already a part ofme and so the departure is
noticeable, right.
(23:35):
But if I just kind of get upand go on my merry way and then
try to find those things in themiddle of a swirl, it can be
trickier.
It's not, you know, it's stillpossible, but trickier.
So I also love the idea ofhaving that moment with our kids
in the morning and justchoosing, like you said, one to
start with.
I know when I'm working withkids we'll try to tether it to
(23:55):
something they do in the morning.
So it'll be like when you grabyour backpack.
What are you going to do?
Or when are you going to takeyour deep breath in the morning?
Are you going to do it whenyou're waiting for the bus, when
I think it's fun to kind ofexperiment and let kids decide,
or see what times work for them?
So, as parents, when we'reengaging with our kids in these
conversations, you know like, doyou think we should do
gratitude as we're eatingbreakfast or when we touch the
(24:18):
doorknob and we're leaving thehouse, or do you think we should
do gratitude?
You know, I'm a big fan ofleaving the house strategies
because I can put a little notethat's a reminder of leaving the
house strategies, because I canput a little note, that's a
reminder.
But I think just being willingto engage with them in
conversation, right Like these,are important skills.
They're going to help all of us.
Let's figure out a time when wecan make them happen.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
I think those yes, I love the idea.
The other thing about themorning is and, as you said, it
kind of sets up your day andprepares your mind for those
light bulb moments when we'reinevitably transgressing and
being ungrateful, etc.
The thing is that when we getout of bed we tend to start the
same pattern of often negativethinking and fixating on the
(25:00):
past and future in ways that aremaladaptive.
So we have a pattern ofthinking and being that starts
with the time we wake up in themorning.
So let's take that opportunityto sit for those magic three
minutes and sort of do a resetand redirect, and it's so easy
and it feels so good.
I mean it even feels good justfocusing on the breath.
(25:23):
You know, as you said, thatdeep breath moment, and I'm just
finishing a book called Breath.
I don't know the author's nameoffhand, and while I don't
necessarily agree with all ofhis physiology explanations, I
think that the important thingto recognize is that the breath
is just so vital and really canbe so integral to our mental and
(25:49):
physical health, and how we cango for hours and days without
really breathing properly, andwhat the ill effects are on our
physiology.
And so I think the combinationof the magic of the breath and
enjoying that in a focused,intentional way first thing in
the morning and then justestablishing these new patterns
(26:09):
of thinking and being right away, why not?
You know we all have threeminutes.
I tell my medical students andresidents and fellows just set
your alarm clock three minutesearlier.
If you're waking up at 545 inthe morning, set your alarm for
542.
Go to bed at 957 instead of 10o'clock.
Nobody's going to notice that.
(26:30):
Three minutes indifferent.
So we've all got three minutesto spend really devoted to our
own health and happiness.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
Yeah, yeah.
And when I first startedpracticing, I would kind of just
describe that as opening myconduit in the morning, like if
I'm connecting to the world in acertain way, how do I want to
connect If I'm connecting withmyself?
And you know, every morningafter I wake up, how do I want
to connect and to be open toexperiences that are going to
bring more gratitude, that aregoing to bring more acceptance
(27:00):
right, that are going to allowme to live with intention and
non judgment.
I mean, if I'm going to openmyself up to anything in the
morning, those are prettyawesome qualities to lean into.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
Yeah, beautifully put , Lindsay.
I couldn't agree more.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
So, as we talk about this, let's just talk a minute
more about teaching this to kids, because I think sometimes as
parents and I'm sure you seethis in your work as an educator
of people who are teaching thisto kids that there are, or you
know, using it in their ownpractice as doctors there are
moments when we can tell kidssomething and there are moments
(27:37):
when we show them somethingright, and I I love the work
you're doing to train all mannerof people to be the change,
instead of to tell kids how tochange, because when we
illustrate by example, we make amuch bigger impact than if
we're just saying we need to doour gratitude this morning, but
maybe we haven't done itourselves yet.
(27:59):
Right, we haven't taken thethree minutes ourselves, and
then we're just kind of tryingto mandate it to our space.
But when we take the threeminutes and do that ourselves,
we come to that momentdifferently, right?
Can you give me kind of aglimpse, maybe, of how the
perception changes when you'redoing the work yourself versus
(28:22):
when you're telling someone elsehow to do the work?
Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (28:26):
Oh, it's absolutely sensible and it's a great point.
You have kids.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
Yeah, I have a daughter.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
Yeah, I can tell you that my kids, when they were
young.
They are watching closely, theydon't miss a thing.
And one fork in the road thatwe come to with our kids often
is especially when they'reteenagers, I think, but even
preteens.
They may ask us well, dad, didyou do this when you were of a
certain age, something that wemight not want them to do?
(28:56):
Okay, and I could never lie tomy kids.
So if they ask me if I smokepot, what have you?
And you know our kids ask usthose questions and we have to
make a decision with intention.
How am I going to deal withthese questions that my children
will inevitably ask me?
And my decision came to mequickly.
(29:17):
I'm just going to tell them thetruth, and they're watching us
and they are so perceptive.
So if you try to tell themsomething that you yourself do
not embody, if you try to tellthem to be a certain way or
think about something a certainway, and you're not being and
thinking in that way, they willhone right in on that and you
might as well not even bring itup so clearly.
(29:39):
Two things One, do it yourself,embody it.
Whether you're a parent,teacher, counselor, what have
you anybody who interacts withyoung people and even older
people?
The second thing is, if thereis something that you choose to
tell rather than simply embody,do it in a positive way.
So there's a way to remind myteenager how not to be so
(30:03):
negatively impacted by somebodytreating him unkindly at school
in the hallway, and there's apositive way to frame that.
And there's a way to be framedas a command and do this and you
can apply that broadly over somany issues that we communicate
with our children.
Try to be positive.
Again, you know that's part ofour intention is to let go of
(30:25):
our negativity bias.
So I fully agree with you.
I mean, if we want to teach ourchildren, we do it by embodying
the elements that we're tryingto teach.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
Yeah, yeah and I.
Those are great examples, thankyou, and I appreciate the way
you phrased that, Like if youare going to engage in the
conversation part, framing it ina positive way and in a way I
think, especially for kids,that's empowering right.
We want them to feel empoweredwith the knowledge instead of
feeling like it's one more thingto do, or it's one more thing
(30:56):
mom's asking of me, or one morething that I need, or that I'm
not doing right, or I thinkthere's a lot of ways they could
frame it in their own head.
So, as we're just like hey, ifyou want to have this as part of
your day, or hey, if it'simportant to you and you're
feeling like today might be alot, here's some things we could
do this morning.
I mean better, yet we're doingthem all along right.
So we're already in the habitand we're not trying to just do
(31:17):
it as a put out the fire stressrelief.
But I think the other day I wasI can't remember what was going
on I had a long day, it was justa lot I was doing and I found
myself breathing.
You know it was in the afternoonand I was just breathing in
like a big deep breath and thenlike just really lengthening my
exhale, and I was breathing likethat over a period of a couple
(31:39):
of minutes and my daughter wasaround and she was watching me
and I was like, are you okay,mom?
And I was like, yeah, I justhave a lot I'm trying to figure
out this afternoon and she waslike, oh, I know I could tell
because of the way you werebreathing, and so it was
interesting because I hadn'tdone it to teach her.
I was just trying to get myselfinto parasympathetic dominance
and get out of my head.
(32:00):
But she noticed the breathingright and she's a teenager, so
she's at an age where sometimeswe have some pushback around
practices that I think would bereally useful for us, and so I'm
trying to create space for herto own it and I'm constantly
reminding myself that again,like those moments when she just
sees me do it and then sees mekind of settle and sees me be
(32:22):
able to go about the rest of myday without being on edge and
high alert, like that's the,that's the teaching right, like
that's the moment.
And so the practice in tandemis beautiful and so nourishing,
I think, for families, the solopractice it translates right
Because they're listening morethan we think on moments like
(32:43):
that.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
Absolutely.
They are so intuitive and sokeen in their observations,
especially of their parents, Ithink so.
Yes, I think that's a beautifulexample.
Your daughter saw you breathingwith intention, clearly
recognizing that you were tryingto let go of stress and
(33:05):
reorient yourself, and that'sbeautiful.
And so, yeah, I'm sure shelearned something from that too.
Hey, why don't I try it?
I'm feeling stressed.
So, yeah, I think the way weteach our children and the way I
think we should behave ingeneral is to use our intention
to embody those elements we finddear and positive and present,
(33:28):
and especially, perhaps, withour kids.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Yeah, so well put Well again.
I have loved this time and it'sgone so fast.
I'm such a big fan of your work.
Tell our listeners where theycan find your book and find out
more about what you're doing.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
The website is greghammermdcom
g-r-e-g-h-a-m-m-e-rcom my socialmedia people maintain that I
don't look at it, but there's alot of interesting stuff there,
and that includes a lot ofpodcasts and links to interviews
and, I would say, interactionslike this one, which will
(34:06):
hopefully be up there soon, andthen there's also a link to that
book, and I think that'sprobably the best way for people
to check in with me.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
Great.
Thank you again, Dr Hammer.
I really appreciate you beingwith us today.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
Anytime, lindsay, it's always a pleasure, and stay
well.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
You too.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
Okay, bye-bye.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Thanks for listening to the Stress Nanny.
If you found today's episodehelpful, be sure to share it
with a friend who could use alittle extra calm in their week,
and if you have a minute, I'dlove for you to leave a review.
It helps other parents find theshow and join us on this
journey.
For more tools and support,head over to
wwwthestressnannycom.
Remember you don't have to dostress alone.
(34:46):
Together, nannycom, rememberyou don't have to do stress
alone.
Together, we can raise kids whoknow how to navigate life with
confidence and ease.
Until next time, take a deepbreath and give yourself some
grace.
Thank you.
Welcome to the Stress Nanny, the podcast where we
take the overwhelm out ofparenting and help kids and
parents build calm, confidenceand connection.
I'm your host, Lindsay Miller,kids mindfulness coach and
cheerleader for busy familieseverywhere.
Each week, we'll explore simpletools, uplifting stories and
practical strategies to helpyour child learn emotional
(00:41):
regulation, resilience andself-confidence, while giving
you a little more peace of mindtoo.
I'm so glad you're here.
My guest today is Dr GregHammer.
He's a professor at StanfordUniversity School of Medicine,
pediatric intensive carephysician, pediatric
anesthesiologist, mindfulnessexpert and author of the Gain
Without Pain Happiness Handbookfor Healthcare Professionals.
(01:04):
And author of the Gain WithoutPain Happiness Handbook for
Healthcare Professionals.
A member of the Stanford WellMDInitiative, dr Hammer is the
former chair of the PhysicianWellness Task Force for the
California Society ofAnesthesiologists.
He has been a visitingprofessor and lecturer on
wellness at institutionsworldwide and teaches gain to
medical students, residents andfellows at Stanford.
Dr Hammer's clinical focus isin pediatric cardiac anesthesia
(01:29):
and pediatric critical caremedicine.
His research is indevelopmental pharmacology and
immunology and he has an activelaboratory with multiple ongoing
studies in these areas.
He's published widely on topicsrelated to pharmacology and
perioperative care of childrenundergoing cardiac and thoracic
procedures, as well as organtransplantation.
(01:49):
Dr Hammer isa, healthenthusiast and meditator,
utilizing a non-duality andmindfulness-based approach,
including his GAIN method.
Dr Hammer, thanks so much forcoming onto the podcast again.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Oh, it's really my pleasure, so great to be with
you.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
So you may remember Dr Hammer from when he spoke
with us about his GAIN methodand I love the conversation so
much and felt like his expertiseis so needed in our world today
that I asked him to come backexplore GAIN with us a little
bit more and give us a littlebit more insight on why stress
levels are so high these days,especially among children, but
(02:28):
plenty high among adults as well.
Dr Hammer, can you give us justkind of a glimpse into your
perspective on stress levels?
What has been going on that'sbeen causing stress levels to
just be constantly elevated, andthen how is that manifesting in
people's lives?
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Great question, lindsay.
First, I would emphasize thatlife itself is stressful, right,
we all are fearful of thingsthat may happen, perhaps hyper
aware of things that havehappened that are not to our
liking.
We're worried about ourmortality.
What's going to happen to us?
We're worried about ourmortality.
(03:08):
What's going to happen to us?
That is a baseline level ofstress that we all share.
It's just part of life.
In fact, tens of thousands ofyears ago it may have been
adaptive, to be stressed.
For example, I can imagineearly Homo sapiens in their cave
trying to keep the fire goingto keep their family warm, and
there could be a saber-toothedtiger lurking outside the mouth
(03:28):
of their cave.
And that wariness, thatstressed experience, that
increased in adrenalinecirculating in their body may
have been an evolutionaryadvantage.
It may have helped them livelonger, procreate more and hence
, perhaps the genes for thesetraits were propagated widely in
(03:50):
the population over thousandsof years.
So fast forward.
Here we are.
Now there is no saber-toothedtiger lurking outside the mouth
of our cave, but we have hadcertain traits hardwired into
our brains and they mayapparently interfere with our
ability to be happy, which,let's face it, happiness is the
(04:11):
only thing that apparentlyalmost 8 billion of us really
want?
I'm told that we're almost upto 8 billion on the planet and
we all just want one thing, andthat is happiness.
What is it about our brainsthat interferes with that
happiness and underscores ourstress levels?
One is that we tend to have anegativity bias.
(04:32):
We tend to remember thenegative and forget about the
positive.
And we all can, if we thinkabout it, remember many examples
in our lives of this.
And the other quality that weall have is that we overthink
the past and the future.
So of course it's adaptive tothink of the past, to savor our
good memories, perhaps remembereven our mistakes, to the extent
(04:56):
that we don't keep making them.
But beyond that, we overthinkthe past, we overthink our
mistakes, and that generates alot of self-judgment, shame,
regret, low self-esteem.
And likewise with the future.
It's certainly adaptive to planto put bread on the table and
plan for wonderful times, but weoverthink the future.
And back to that early Homosapiens overthinking the future
(05:20):
what's the worst thing thatcould happen?
While that may have beenadaptive under those
circumstances 50,000 years ago,it's probably not adaptive now,
because we imagine the worstthing that will happen, even
though it will almost certainlynever happen, and that increases
our stress levels.
One might ask what is stress?
Stress is that experience thatcauses an increase in our
(05:47):
adrenaline levels, an increasein a hormone called cortisol.
Stress interferes with ournormal balance of hormones.
It interferes with our sleep.
Therefore we get fatigued.
When we're fatigued, we tend tonot exercise as much as we'd
like to.
Our diet even tends todeteriorate.
(06:10):
I can certainly say that whenwe nurses, physicians,
respiratory therapists and otherhealthcare professionals are
fatigued, we're much more likelyto stop at the nursing station
where we see this nice box ofSee's candies that a grateful
patient left there and pick oneor two up.
So we tend to eat sugary, fatty, so-called comfort foods when
(06:33):
we're stressed and fatigued andthis is kind of a
self-propagating cycle, right,we have stress, we have too much
adrenaline, our heart rate'selevated, our blood pressure's
elevated, our cortisol iselevated, our blood sugar goes
up, we're prone to diabetes, ourdiet deteriorates, obesity and
these things kind of propelthemselves.
(06:54):
So we're fatigued, we don'texercise, we don't eat well, our
sleep deteriorates further,we're more fatigued, etc.
So that's just the nature ofour life is to have some degree
of stress.
But I think we can all agreethat we've had circumstances in
the world that have made itprobably the most stressful time
that I've experienced in mylifetime, with, obviously, the
(07:15):
COVID pandemic, war in Ukraine,bizarre weather that makes us
fearful, that you know.
Imagine being a teenager nowand wondering if there's going
to be a planet for your childrenin 30 years or so, or 20 years.
So there's just so much anxietyand so much stress based on
circumstances around us thatit's pretty hard not to
(07:38):
experience that.
So the key and we can talkabout this in as much detail as
we have time for, if you'd likehow do we reduce the stress in
our lives?
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Yeah, thank you for that, and I think you bring up
so many good points and one ofthe things that is striking to
me you mentioned teenagers andconcern and worry.
And obviously you and I you as apediatric physician and then me
as the mindfulness coach forkids we both have a vested
interest in the well-being ofchildren, right, and I think
that there's so much insight andperspective we can get when we
(08:12):
realize like these teenagers andthese little kids eight years
old, 10 years old a big portionof their lives have been lived
during this time when we'reexperiencing epic amounts of
stress, right.
And so if as adults, we'restruggling to kind of navigate
the burden of it and we'restruggling to care for ourselves
(08:33):
amidst all the day-to-dayconcerns or disrupted schedules
and routines, like there's justbeen so much for adults to adapt
to and we have years and yearsof resilience and coping skills
that we've been working on thatwe can pull out in these moments
and employ to navigate andmitigate stress.
But for kids, they're justlearning the skills, right.
(08:54):
It's like drinking out of afire hose right now, trying to
figure out how to build enoughresilience to the stresses that
they're facing in order for themto kind of stay afloat amidst
this craziness and, I think,this conversation we're going to
have today around how to reduceit.
It's crucial for adults right,because we're creating these
environments for kids and caringfor them, but it's so important
(09:15):
to model for kids so that theycan add yet another skill to
their stress resilience toolbox.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Absolutely.
I'm actually writing a book nowabout mindfulness for teenagers
, really targeting parents,teachers, counselors, school
administrators.
And the factors that causestress amongst our precious
teenagers are legion from socialmedia.
You know these apps that aredesigned with artificial
(09:45):
intelligence to keep teens gluedto their phones, swiping one
way or another or what have you.
The number of hours they end upspending on their screens is
just crazy, and even at theexpense of their sleep they get
in bed with their cell phones.
And then we talked about theclimate anxiety.
(10:06):
Is there gonna be a planet formy children?
Am I gonna have children Moreimmediately?
Should I wear a bulletproofvest to school today?
It's just unfathomable.
I mean, every morning when Iget my 10 minutes of news on CNN
, there's another shooting.
It's just absolutely insane.
And then, of course, you havethese surging hormones and
(10:29):
underdeveloped frontal lobe andexecutive function and decision
makings, with all theimpulsivity that teenagers tend
to embody, and you could go onand on and on.
I just think that life forteenagers now is uber stressful
and how can we help them?
And my book is really embracingthe GAIN ideals.
(10:51):
And GAIN is an acronym forgratitude, acceptance, intention
and non-judgment.
So we can talk about that, butit's through really the
embracing and embodying of theseprinciples with our children,
young children, teenagers, adultchildren who are just kind of
making their way.
This is how I think we can helpour children.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Yeah, yeah, that's so beautifully put.
I think the depth of sufferingthat they're kind of seeing and
the depth of awareness thatthey're experiencing on a
day-to-day basis simply becausethey have access to the
information, like you're saying,the awareness that they carry
for all of these things ismassive.
(11:42):
And so these tools that we'regoing to explore, the GAIN
method I love it so much becauseI think it's such a concise way
to give kids and adults smallsteps to take to build that
resilience so that they canoperate and function with
happiness, with a sense ofresilience and with the
awareness that they need, butalso the ability to filter it
(12:04):
right, Like to filter theawareness and only take in the
stuff that is useful to them,that is serving them and that is
going to propel them forward ina meaningful and skillful way,
as opposed to kind of pull themback.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Yes, beautifully put.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
So let's dive in.
I know we talked about it alittle bit on the last episode,
but I wanted to give us a littlebit more space to explore,
especially as it pertains tofamilies.
The first one gratitude.
Do you want to maybe just gothrough the pillars and then we
can dive back in and talk aboutspecific practices that might be
applicable for each?
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Absolutely Well, I think we could first start with
the practice actually.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
What is the gain?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
method, for example.
And again, these four domainsof gratitude, acceptance,
intention and non-judgment arereally universal.
They are embodied by allwonderful spiritual and
philosophic traditions.
So there's nothing new here,just a matter of framing these
ways of thinking and being in away that we can remember and
(13:09):
incorporate into a dailypractice.
And so the game practice in themorning can be done in as
little as three minutes.
So we wake up, we open theblinds Hopefully there's some
wonderful light out there we maywant to do our morning hygiene
thing, and then we just find acomfortable place to sit.
You know, meditation does nothave to take 30 minutes.
It does not have to be done incomplete stillness, refraining
(13:32):
from scratching an itch orbanishing all thoughts from our
heads.
So this can be a relativelybrief practice and sit in a
comfortable chair, in acomfortable position, and
instead of trying to banish allthoughts, I'm actually going to
suggest thoughts on which we canfocus.
That's much easier than tryingnot to have any thoughts.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
So true.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
So we sit, let's start with the breath.
I think the breath is such anunderappreciation.
One thing is let's take anintentional breath through our
nose and exhale through our noseso we slow the breath down.
Let's take a slow in-breath toa count of three, pause to a
count of three and then gentlyrelax and let the breath go
(14:19):
without effort to a count offour.
So if those are each one second, that's seven seconds and we
will unconsciously slow ourrespiratory rate to about eight.
And when we slow our breathingrate we actually stimulate
what's called theparasympathetic nervous system
and that results in a reductionof epinephrine, or commonly
(14:40):
known as adrenaline, in our body.
It lowers our heart rate, itlowers our blood pressure in a
healthy way.
It lowers our cortisol, and sowe relax into this beautiful
rhythm of slow, intentionalbreathing through our nose into
a count of three, pausing to acount of three.
Our nose into a count of three,pausing to a count of three,
(15:02):
relaxing and exhaling to a slowcount of four.
And then we enter the domain ofthe gain element.
So first we think aboutgratitude, we focus our thoughts
on that for which we aregrateful, and this can be loved
ones in our lives.
In my case, it also involvessuch gratitude for the privilege
of practicing medicine andtreating these beautiful
children and their families.
(15:23):
Gratitude for my health, eventhough my health is not perfect
it certainly could be worseGratitude for living in a safe
place I'm grateful that I don'tlive in a war-torn place where I
can hear bombs exploding in thebackground continuously.
So we all have much for whichto be grateful.
So we link our breath to thisgratitude that we feel and then
(15:46):
we transition to acceptance.
And it's very important,lindsay, as you know, to
acknowledge the pain in ourlives.
Pain is as much a part of ourexperience as joy.
So take the pain of losing aloved one.
I lost my beautiful 29-year-oldboy five years ago.
So that pain is there.
And there's a formula in thebook suffering equals pain times
(16:08):
resistance.
You know we love formulas inmedicine, right?
Blood pressure equals cardiacoutput times resistance.
Or in any kind of physicsenvironment, whether it's gas,
fluid, electricity, let's saypressure equals flow times
resistance.
So suffering equals pain timesresistance.
The pain is there.
(16:29):
And again, according to theserenity prayer, there are
things that are painful that wecan change and those that we
cannot change.
So let's distinguish betweenthem and take something painful
that we cannot change andactually focus on it, as we also
focus on our breath and bringthat painful thought or
experience closer and closer.
(16:50):
Imagine opening our chest,opening our heart, bringing that
pain into our heart, envelopingit with our heart, nurturing it
with our heart until when weask ourselves the question.
Enveloping it with our heart,nurturing it with our heart,
until when we ask ourselves thequestion can I live with this
pain forever?
The answer is yes, and we'vedropped our resistance and
diminished our suffering and wetransition to intention.
(17:12):
And I love Dr Jon Kabat-Zinn'sdefinition of mindfulness, which
I think could be a definitionof happiness.
Definition of mindfulness,which I think could be a
definition of happinessAwareness of the present moment
on purpose, non-judgmentally.
And the on purpose or intentionis key because we have default
modes of thinking and being thatappear to be hardwired into the
way we think, into our brains.
(17:32):
And the good news is we havethis amazing quality called
neuroplasticity.
That means that we can changethe way our brains, these
neuronal connections andsynapses and patterns in our
brain can be modified, they canbe changed, but we have to have
a plan, we have to have purposeor intention.
(17:53):
So let's first, focus ourintention on being present,
being aware of the presentmoment.
Just think about the sensationin our body, against the chair.
Focus on that little tinglingsensation at the bottom of our
feet.
Focus on something we'relistening, we can hear in the
background.
I live sort of halfway inbetween San Francisco
International Airport and SanJose Airport, so as I'm focused
(18:17):
on my breath with my eyes closed, and I'm on the eye and gain or
intention, my plan and myintention is to be present.
So I'm focusing on my presentphysical experiences and I can
often hear an airplane going byin the distance, that lovely
little Doppler effect of theincrease in pitch as it becomes
closer and then the decrease inpitch as it becomes more distant
(18:40):
and focus on the air enteringour body through our nose.
These are the present momentexperiences that we're having.
And even if we can do thiscomfortably only for five or ten
seconds before other thoughtscreep in, fine, allow those
other thoughts and re-guide themback to intention or purpose.
Remind ourselves that we havethe power of rewiring our brains
(19:01):
.
So our intention is to be morepresent and more positive, more
grateful, more accepting, morenonjudgmental.
So these elements are allinterrelated and we transition
to the end and gain, which isnonjudgment.
So we might picture one ofthese beautiful NASA images of
the Earth, the Earth apparentlysuspended in space.
(19:21):
And it's clear that the Earthis neither good nor bad.
The Earth is simply a planet.
We can look at it with whatFrancis Lucille might call
benevolent indifference.
Yes, it's lovely and it is whatit is.
So, in that sense, I'mindifferent to it.
I'm not trying to change it,I'm accepting it.
It is what it is.
So, in that sense, I'mindifferent to it.
I'm not trying to change it,I'm accepting it.
(19:42):
It is what it is.
It's a lovely planet.
It's clearly neither good norbad, and so it's only rational
for me to think I too am simplythe person that I am.
I am neither good nor bad.
With all of my traits, with allof my ways of thinking and
being.
I am neither good nor bad.
I am simply the person that Iam.
(20:04):
I am that I am.
I am.
And we return to our focus onthe breath, slowing it down, so
peaceful, and then we slowlyopen our eyes and we're ready to
go out in the day.
So the lovely thing about thisprocess of rewiring our brains
is that something beautiful andrather automatic happens when
(20:27):
we're being ungrateful, whenwe're sort of whining and
complaining about what mydaughter would call a first
world problem.
Okay, like, oh my gosh, here inthe Bay Area we've had
torrential rains and wind andmany of us lost power for a
period of time.
So, oh, the power's out.
Oh, bummer, I can't be at mycomputer, I can't turn on the
lights and read a book.
(20:48):
And then a little light bulbgoes off.
Oh, I'm being ungrateful, I'mwhining.
Here I am in this beautifulhome, in this beautiful place,
with my beautiful neighbors, andI'm having a very first world
problem, a temporary, probablyreasonably brief power outage,
and I'm complaining.
Let me refocus my thoughts inthis light bulb moment to being
(21:08):
grateful for the 99 point,something percent of time that
the power is on, compared toothers who have no power in
their home, who may not evenhave a home, who may live in a
part of the world where thepower is out.
It's the middle of winter, it'sfreezing outside and I don't
have enough food and I don'thave power.
I mean, honestly, am I reallygoing to complain and be
(21:30):
ungrateful about the powerhaving gone out?
So that light bulb moment willbe something that happens when
we're being ungrateful,resisting, unintentional and
judgmental, and that's thebeauty of this daily practice.
We are, little by little,reprogramming our brains in ways
that are conducive to ourhappiness, and when we do this
(21:51):
with our kids.
So maybe we have a gratitude,acceptance, intention or
non-judgment minute.
When we sit down to have dinneror while they're having their
cereal and I'm making theirlunch in the morning, let's
focus on the food that we'reeating and be grateful for the
person that planted those seedsand nurtured those grains and
(22:12):
harvested them and sent them offand they got packaged and now
they're so conveniently locatedin the local grocery store.
You know this is rathermiraculous.
Let's be grateful to thoseindividuals who got the ball
rolling, and so on.
So have a grateful minute, havean accepting minute, have a
(22:34):
minute of purposefulness and aminute of non-judgment.
Maybe one of those once a daywith our children and then have
that creep into the way weinteract with them in general.
And it's not complicated, itsimply takes purpose.
It takes having a plan.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Yeah, yeah, thank you for walking us through that
practice.
I enjoyed it as I was sittinghere experiencing it myself, and
I agree that just creating theplan and creating some spaces,
even if they're tiny spaces,whether you know, I like to do
it like you're describing justwhen I roll out of bed in the
morning, that's the time when Ido my meditation and connect,
(23:15):
because I think it's easier forme throughout the day to return
to it instead of trying to findit.
If I can find that piece rightoff and that perspective, and if
I can connect with somegratitude, acceptance, intention
and non-judgment, thenthroughout the day, like you're
saying, it's already a part ofme and so the departure is
noticeable, right.
(23:35):
But if I just kind of get upand go on my merry way and then
try to find those things in themiddle of a swirl, it can be
trickier.
It's not, you know, it's stillpossible, but trickier.
So I also love the idea ofhaving that moment with our kids
in the morning and justchoosing, like you said, one to
start with.
I know when I'm working withkids we'll try to tether it to
(23:55):
something they do in the morning.
So it'll be like when you grabyour backpack.
What are you going to do?
Or when are you going to takeyour deep breath in the morning?
Are you going to do it whenyou're waiting for the bus, when
I think it's fun to kind ofexperiment and let kids decide,
or see what times work for them?
So, as parents, when we'reengaging with our kids in these
conversations, you know like, doyou think we should do
gratitude as we're eatingbreakfast or when we touch the
(24:18):
doorknob and we're leaving thehouse, or do you think we should
do gratitude?
You know, I'm a big fan ofleaving the house strategies
because I can put a little notethat's a reminder of leaving the
house strategies, because I canput a little note, that's a
reminder.
But I think just being willingto engage with them in
conversation, right Like these,are important skills.
They're going to help all of us.
Let's figure out a time when wecan make them happen.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
I think those yes, I love the idea.
The other thing about themorning is and, as you said, it
kind of sets up your day andprepares your mind for those
light bulb moments when we'reinevitably transgressing and
being ungrateful, etc.
The thing is that when we getout of bed we tend to start the
same pattern of often negativethinking and fixating on the
(25:00):
past and future in ways that aremaladaptive.
So we have a pattern ofthinking and being that starts
with the time we wake up in themorning.
So let's take that opportunityto sit for those magic three
minutes and sort of do a resetand redirect, and it's so easy
and it feels so good.
I mean it even feels good justfocusing on the breath.
(25:23):
You know, as you said, thatdeep breath moment, and I'm just
finishing a book called Breath.
I don't know the author's nameoffhand, and while I don't
necessarily agree with all ofhis physiology explanations, I
think that the important thingto recognize is that the breath
is just so vital and really canbe so integral to our mental and
(25:49):
physical health, and how we cango for hours and days without
really breathing properly, andwhat the ill effects are on our
physiology.
And so I think the combinationof the magic of the breath and
enjoying that in a focused,intentional way first thing in
the morning and then justestablishing these new patterns
(26:09):
of thinking and being right away, why not?
You know we all have threeminutes.
I tell my medical students andresidents and fellows just set
your alarm clock three minutesearlier.
If you're waking up at 545 inthe morning, set your alarm for
542.
Go to bed at 957 instead of 10o'clock.
Nobody's going to notice that.
(26:30):
Three minutes indifferent.
So we've all got three minutesto spend really devoted to our
own health and happiness.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
Yeah, yeah.
And when I first startedpracticing, I would kind of just
describe that as opening myconduit in the morning, like if
I'm connecting to the world in acertain way, how do I want to
connect If I'm connecting withmyself?
And you know, every morningafter I wake up, how do I want
to connect and to be open toexperiences that are going to
bring more gratitude, that aregoing to bring more acceptance
(27:00):
right, that are going to allowme to live with intention and
non judgment.
I mean, if I'm going to openmyself up to anything in the
morning, those are prettyawesome qualities to lean into.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
Yeah, beautifully put , Lindsay.
I couldn't agree more.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
So, as we talk about this, let's just talk a minute
more about teaching this to kids, because I think sometimes as
parents and I'm sure you seethis in your work as an educator
of people who are teaching thisto kids that there are, or you
know, using it in their ownpractice as doctors there are
moments when we can tell kidssomething and there are moments
(27:37):
when we show them somethingright, and I I love the work
you're doing to train all mannerof people to be the change,
instead of to tell kids how tochange, because when we
illustrate by example, we make amuch bigger impact than if
we're just saying we need to doour gratitude this morning, but
maybe we haven't done itourselves yet.
(27:59):
Right, we haven't taken thethree minutes ourselves, and
then we're just kind of tryingto mandate it to our space.
But when we take the threeminutes and do that ourselves,
we come to that momentdifferently, right?
Can you give me kind of aglimpse, maybe, of how the
perception changes when you'redoing the work yourself versus
(28:22):
when you're telling someone elsehow to do the work?
Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (28:26):
Oh, it's absolutely sensible and it's a great point.
You have kids.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
Yeah, I have a daughter.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
Yeah, I can tell you that my kids, when they were
young.
They are watching closely, theydon't miss a thing.
And one fork in the road thatwe come to with our kids often
is especially when they'reteenagers, I think, but even
preteens.
They may ask us well, dad, didyou do this when you were of a
certain age, something that wemight not want them to do?
(28:56):
Okay, and I could never lie tomy kids.
So if they ask me if I smokepot, what have you?
And you know our kids ask usthose questions and we have to
make a decision with intention.
How am I going to deal withthese questions that my children
will inevitably ask me?
And my decision came to mequickly.
(29:17):
I'm just going to tell them thetruth, and they're watching us
and they are so perceptive.
So if you try to tell themsomething that you yourself do
not embody, if you try to tellthem to be a certain way or
think about something a certainway, and you're not being and
thinking in that way, they willhone right in on that and you
might as well not even bring itup so clearly.
(29:39):
Two things One, do it yourself,embody it.
Whether you're a parent,teacher, counselor, what have
you anybody who interacts withyoung people and even older
people?
The second thing is, if thereis something that you choose to
tell rather than simply embody,do it in a positive way.
So there's a way to remind myteenager how not to be so
(30:03):
negatively impacted by somebodytreating him unkindly at school
in the hallway, and there's apositive way to frame that.
And there's a way to be framedas a command and do this and you
can apply that broadly over somany issues that we communicate
with our children.
Try to be positive.
Again, you know that's part ofour intention is to let go of
(30:25):
our negativity bias.
So I fully agree with you.
I mean, if we want to teach ourchildren, we do it by embodying
the elements that we're tryingto teach.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
Yeah, yeah and I.
Those are great examples, thankyou, and I appreciate the way
you phrased that, Like if youare going to engage in the
conversation part, framing it ina positive way and in a way I
think, especially for kids,that's empowering right.
We want them to feel empoweredwith the knowledge instead of
feeling like it's one more thingto do, or it's one more thing
(30:56):
mom's asking of me, or one morething that I need, or that I'm
not doing right, or I thinkthere's a lot of ways they could
frame it in their own head.
So, as we're just like hey, ifyou want to have this as part of
your day, or hey, if it'simportant to you and you're
feeling like today might be alot, here's some things we could
do this morning.
I mean better, yet we're doingthem all along right.
So we're already in the habitand we're not trying to just do
(31:17):
it as a put out the fire stressrelief.
But I think the other day I wasI can't remember what was going
on I had a long day, it was justa lot I was doing and I found
myself breathing.
You know it was in the afternoonand I was just breathing in
like a big deep breath and thenlike just really lengthening my
exhale, and I was breathing likethat over a period of a couple
(31:39):
of minutes and my daughter wasaround and she was watching me
and I was like, are you okay,mom?
And I was like, yeah, I justhave a lot I'm trying to figure
out this afternoon and she waslike, oh, I know I could tell
because of the way you werebreathing, and so it was
interesting because I hadn'tdone it to teach her.
I was just trying to get myselfinto parasympathetic dominance
and get out of my head.
(32:00):
But she noticed the breathingright and she's a teenager, so
she's at an age where sometimeswe have some pushback around
practices that I think would bereally useful for us, and so I'm
trying to create space for herto own it and I'm constantly
reminding myself that again,like those moments when she just
sees me do it and then sees mekind of settle and sees me be
(32:22):
able to go about the rest of myday without being on edge and
high alert, like that's the,that's the teaching right, like
that's the moment.
And so the practice in tandemis beautiful and so nourishing,
I think, for families, the solopractice it translates right
Because they're listening morethan we think on moments like
(32:43):
that.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
Absolutely.
They are so intuitive and sokeen in their observations,
especially of their parents, Ithink so.
Yes, I think that's a beautifulexample.
Your daughter saw you breathingwith intention, clearly
recognizing that you were tryingto let go of stress and
(33:05):
reorient yourself, and that'sbeautiful.
And so, yeah, I'm sure shelearned something from that too.
Hey, why don't I try it?
I'm feeling stressed.
So, yeah, I think the way weteach our children and the way I
think we should behave ingeneral is to use our intention
to embody those elements we finddear and positive and present,
(33:28):
and especially, perhaps, withour kids.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Yeah, so well put Well again.
I have loved this time and it'sgone so fast.
I'm such a big fan of your work.
Tell our listeners where theycan find your book and find out
more about what you're doing.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
The website is greghammermdcom
g-r-e-g-h-a-m-m-e-rcom my socialmedia people maintain that I
don't look at it, but there's alot of interesting stuff there,
and that includes a lot ofpodcasts and links to interviews
and, I would say, interactionslike this one, which will
(34:06):
hopefully be up there soon, andthen there's also a link to that
book, and I think that'sprobably the best way for people
to check in with me.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
Great.
Thank you again, Dr Hammer.
I really appreciate you beingwith us today.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
Anytime, lindsay, it's always a pleasure, and stay
well.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
You too.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
Okay, bye-bye.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Thanks for listening to the Stress Nanny.
If you found today's episodehelpful, be sure to share it
with a friend who could use alittle extra calm in their week,
and if you have a minute, I'dlove for you to leave a review.
It helps other parents find theshow and join us on this
journey.
For more tools and support,head over to
wwwthestressnannycom.
Remember you don't have to dostress alone.
(34:46):
Together, nannycom, rememberyou don't have to do stress
alone.
Together, we can raise kids whoknow how to navigate life with
confidence and ease.
Until next time, take a deepbreath and give yourself some
grace.
Thank you.
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