October 16, 2025 • 46 mins
Homework shouldn’t feel like a bear attack, yet for many ADHD families, everyday tasks trigger fight, flight, or freeze. We invited ADHD coach and mindfulness facilitator Corie Wightlin to help us turn those explosive moments into opportunities for calm, connection, and growth. Corie blends neuroscience, executive function know-how, and lived experience to show how a simple “pause” can redirect the entire evening—and how a practical “fast-forward” thought experiment helps parents choose the next right move without the guilt spiral.
We dig into what actually works when brains are overwhelmed: sensory resets like cold touch, fresh air, or a 60-second song; visible, tactile pause signals; and nonverbal cues that defuse rather than escalate. Then we move from crisis to design. Instead of one-size-fits-all checklists, Corie walks through micro-step sticky notes placed where action happens, pre-staging friction points the night before, and turning time into a friendly cue with Alexa timers or playlists. You’ll hear how a small shift—like keeping shoes with the laid-out clothes in the living room—can shave minutes off the morning and unlock a child’s sense of competence.
Because novelty fades, we build “falter plans” that anticipate boredom and change, keeping systems fresh without starting from scratch. We also talk directly to moms who see themselves in their kids’ profiles: late-diagnosed ADHD, rejection sensitivity, and the exhaustion that comes from running on adrenaline and perfectionism. Corie offers a self-compassion framework and boundary-setting scripts that lower cognitive load, protect bandwidth, and model healthy regulation at home.
If you’re craving fewer meltdowns, smoother mornings, and more moments where your child genuinely believes “I can do this,” this conversation offers tools you can try tonight. Subscribe, share with a friend who needs a gentler plan, and leave a review to let us know which strategy made the biggest difference for your family.
For more on Corie's work click here.
Lindsay Miller is a distinguished kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks and playful laugh. When she's not cheering on her daughter or rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications, Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and leave a lasting impression wherever she goes.
To sign up for Lindsay's "Calm & Collected" Newsletter click here.
To review the podcast click here.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:20):
Welcome to the Stress Nanny, the podcast where
we take the overwhelm out ofparenting and help kids and
parents build calm, confidence,and connection.
I'm your host, Lindsay Miller,Kids Mindfulness Coach and
Cheerleader for busy familieseverywhere.
Each week we'll explore simpletools, uplifting stories, and
practical strategies to helpyour child learn emotional
(00:42):
regulation, resilience, andself-confidence, while giving
you a little more peace of mindtoo.
I'm so glad you're here.
My guest today is Corey Whitlin.
Holding a BA in cognitivescience from Occidental College
and a master's in education andliteracy from the University of
San Diego, Corey combinesneuroscience, learning, and
behavior expertise with a deepunderstanding of the lived ADHD
(01:05):
experience.
As a certified mindfulnessfacilitator and certified ADHD
coach, Corey integratesmindfulness-based strategies to
support resilience,self-compassion, and executive
function growth.
A sought-after speaker, Coreypresents on topics including
ADHD and executive function,self-compassion,
rejection-sensitive dysphoria,and goal setting tailored for
(01:27):
individuals with ADHD.
Through a strengths-based andcompassionate approach, Corey
empowers individuals to navigatechallenges, embrace their unique
brains, and build systems forsuccess.
Corey lives in San Diego with ahusband, three children, and two
rescue dogs, embracing thebeautifully chaotic journey of
neurodiverse living.
(01:48):
Corey, thanks so much forjoining me today.
SPEAKER_00 (01:50):
Thank you, Lindsay.
I'm really excited to be here.
I'm really excited to chat withyou.
SPEAKER_01 (01:54):
Yeah, as am I.
As soon as I saw Corey'smessage, I was excited for this
conversation.
And then the more I learnedabout her work, I just got more
excited.
So we're all in for a treattoday.
And as you can see, just fromher bio, there are a million
things about her that I am anadvocate for as well.
And I think that the tips thatshe's going to be able to share
(02:16):
with us are going to have a bigimpact.
So I'm excited to dive in.
Thank you.
Me too.
Before we get started on kind ofthe nitty-gritty and the
practical tips, can you give usa sense of your journey to this
coaching field and the way thatyou saw the gap in the market
and how you wanted to fill it?
SPEAKER_00 (02:38):
Yes.
So I was a classroom educatorfor a long time.
And in that space, I did specialed education and general ed
education.
My sweet spot were kiddos thatwere neurodiverse.
So whether it was ASD or ADHD,whether it was in special ed or
general ed, those were thekiddos that I tended to get and
(02:58):
I really connected well with.
And I also am neurodiversemyself.
I'm raising three neurodiversekids.
So I was kind of always in theworld.
Even when I was in college, myjob was to work for a school
that was specifically forneurodiverse children.
And so it was always part of mylife.
And then as I really got into itwith families and supporting my
(03:20):
children in my classroom.
And then when I got out of theclassroom and I was doing more
admin and coaching, I justreally saw that there's a lack
of education for a lot of folks.
So a lot of folks that reallywere craving the understanding
of okay, what I have thisdiagnosis or I don't have this
diagnosis, but I have all thesethings going on, or my child
does.
(03:40):
What does that mean?
And then how do I help?
And then I also saw there were alot of like get ADHD fixed
quicks.
There's a lot of books and a lotof apps.
And what I saw is that thesegeneralized systems and routines
for folks weren't workingbecause every brain is so
(04:00):
different.
That's why it's calledneurodiversity, right?
And so people were feeling a lotof shame and carrying all of the
shame and all of thisfrustration because they feel
like, oh, I've just tried it alland it doesn't work.
And then seeing my own threekids and how each one, if
anybody has multiple children,you understand this, each one
needed a completely differentset of skills, completely
(04:23):
different set of parenting, eventhough they have the same exact
diagnosis.
And so that led me to reallyseeking my certification in ADHD
coaching and thinking, wow, Iknow a lot about education.
I know a lot about mindfulnessbecause I'd been a mindfulness
facilitator for about eightyears at that point.
And I really want to be able toplug in that support for folks
(04:47):
that just feel like they'refloundering and they just really
want tangible, real tools forthemselves.
SPEAKER_01 (04:55):
Yeah.
Oh, I love all of that.
I think especially poignant tome is the fact that this is the
water you're swimming in all thetime, right?
And, you know, I think it speaksto your mindfulness and it
speaks to the strategies thatyou use that you have the
capacity to share, right?
That you have the experience andyou can then translate that
(05:16):
you're keeping yourself in aplace of steadiness, such that
you can then offer, you know,outside of you.
And so I love that you can blendthat chaos that is living with a
family, and you know, themindful, just like
strengths-based approach that islooking at each in unique
individual and being like,they're a strategy screw.
We just need to figure out whatthey are.
SPEAKER_00 (05:38):
Exactly.
And that's the best part of myjob is, and I always tell folks,
I've never had two clients thathave the same set of tools.
And and it's so cool becausehaving ADHD myself, it's a lot
of novelty.
So it's really fun.
And also just watching peoplereally think outside of the box
and creating a strategy orroutine that is totally
(06:01):
different than what the worldhas told them.
And then it clicks for them.
And just, you know, interruptingthat failure feedback loop and
all of the sudden creating thisnew story where, oh wow, I can't
be organized or I can't getplaces on time, or I can't
concentrate.
And so that's, you know, ifsomeone is out there thinking,
wow, no, I really have tried itall, it's really finding that
(06:25):
spark for you and what fits foryou.
It's like putting on like a warmjacket that that fits just
perfectly.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (06:32):
I love that phrase, how did you say it?
That failure feedbackdisruption.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's such a powerful phrase.
I we share a similarity in thatI did my internship in a junior
high classroom.
And so I was in the thick ofthese kids, it was a resource
classroom.
And so my kiddos would come in,same, you know, same story where
(06:54):
they had these neurodiversetendencies.
And then it was just such abeautiful moment.
Like you said, when they foundthat coat, when they realized
there were tools and strategiesthat helped them feel competent
for maybe the first time ever.
SPEAKER_00 (07:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (07:08):
And you just watch this transformation happen.
I still keep a note from one ofthose kiddos like in my binder,
just because I love thetransformation she described in
the note.
I'm like this little middleschool or junior high kid who
finally realized, like, wait, Ican totally do stuff.
Like, you know, and it's soyeah, that moment you can't beat
(07:29):
it with kids, right?
Yes, that is the most amazing.
I love that you still have thatnote.
That's so awesome.
Well, okay, let's get into itbecause you have so many
practical things to share.
Let's start with home momentsthat are easily relatable.
And one of the things youspecialize in is like how to
facilitate these types of toolsand conversations in the middle
(07:50):
of the homework meltdown, right?
In the middle of crazy siblingargument.
So talk to me about some of theways that you approach those
situations.
SPEAKER_00 (07:57):
Yes.
Well, I always triage with myclients, whether they're eight
or 70.
My oldest client right now is70, and my youngest client right
now is eight.
So it really is you've got therange.
Yeah.
So the triaging of buildingemotional regulation and
response skills.
So we know that ADHD and manyother types of neurodiversity
(08:21):
are an emotional regulationchallenge as much as an
intentional challenge or aprocessing challenge.
And I think that component isoften really ignored because
we're so rightly so, way ourworld is set up.
We're so worried about theproductivity and the motivation
and the time management.
Yeah.
And what happens is our brainsand our bodies are just in this
(08:43):
fight, flight or freeze, right?
We're just surviving.
And so we see homework.
And I say we, because I'm in,I'm in this, all right?
We see homework, and all of asudden our brain is like, oh my
gosh, we're being attacked by abear.
And we don't have the strategiesbecause we don't have the
natural way to regulate that.
That prefrontal cortex isn'tvery strong, right?
(09:05):
Yeah.
So all of a sudden we're beingattacked by a bear, we're
overwhelmed, or we're angry, orwe're scared, we're fleeing,
right?
Just last night, my 16-year-oldwas being attacked by a bear
during her English homework andstarted making pumpkin muffins
at 10 a.m.
or 10 p.m., right?
And I feel like that was herfleeing.
(09:25):
Yeah.
So the very first thing in anyhome is creating a way for you
to pause and take care ofyourself.
And we don't do that naturally.
Most littles don't do thatnaturally anyway, right?
Because their brain's totallyunder construction.
But a lot of times, adults inthose homes often are
(09:46):
neurodiverse themselves, whetherthey've been diagnosed or not.
So they don't have the tools.
So working on figuring out whatthat means for you.
And it might mean stopping andtaking deep breaths, but that
might not be helpful.
It might be literally going andgetting an ice cube out of the
freeze and holding an ice cube.
It might be getting outside andfeeling the sun on your face.
(10:08):
It might be listening to yourfavorite song and dancing it
out.
But the key is figuring out howto pause.
So I always recommend everyonein the household has a physical
pause button.
And for some kids, it'sliterally like, okay, pause.
For me, I put two hands on mychest and I take a really deep
(10:28):
breath and that's the signal tomy body.
Okay, pause.
And then we use a fast-forwardremote.
So then we fast forward.
Right.
If I continue, so I'm going tosay from a parent point of view,
if I continue to sit here withmy child totally dysregulated,
saying, we just have to do thehomework.
It should only take fiveminutes.
What's what are the consequencesof that?
Good, bad, or neutral.
(10:49):
Okay, what if I pause and I say,let's go on a walk and we'll do
the homework later?
What are the consequences?
Good, bad, or neutral.
And then I can proceed.
But if we don't practice thatpause button first, and just
practicing that pause button,not even thinking forward, not
even taking care of yourself,just that pause button, then all
(11:10):
the rest of the tools kind offall out of place.
SPEAKER_01 (11:14):
Yeah.
I love that.
The idea of like, you know, apause and a fast forward.
And it's powerful too, right?
Because when you can initiatethe pause or just even recognize
the moments that need it, right?
That's the biggest part, likeyou're saying.
It's the part that makeseverything else possible, but
it's also the part thatredirects us, right?
(11:35):
It gives us that inflectionpoint where it can go a
different way than where it'salready headed, which, like you
mentioned, is often notsomewhere super supportive or
skillful, right?
SPEAKER_00 (11:46):
Yeah, yeah.
And then usually the sensitivitypops in then later, and we don't
feel good at all about it.
We want to do it differently.
And the challenge with ADHDbrains is we don't learn from
natural consequences.
We don't make those connectionsin our brain.
So then the next day, homeworkwill look the same.
And then that night we'll go tobed feeling like, why did I do
(12:07):
that again?
Why?
And so it's that interrupting,right?
That pause and breathing orwalking away or putting water on
your face or jumping up anddown.
If you need to move your body orshaking it out, or whatever
works for you to take that pauseand just recenter, even if it's
one second.
SPEAKER_01 (12:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (12:27):
Right.
And then one second leads to twoseconds, and then two seconds
leads to five seconds.
And it's such a gift we can giveour kids, especially our
neurodiverse kids, becausethey're they have on and off
switches.
Right.
It's trigger response, triggerreaction.
And so creating just even thatfive seconds the space with them
can be such a huge wave to helpthem move forward.
SPEAKER_01 (12:49):
Yeah.
Well, and I love the thereflection around the pause
being a physical, you know,instead of just like a mental or
an emotional, having it be somesomething tactile where it's
like you and your body connect.
If for listeners, she like hadput her hand on her forehead or
she mentioned put two hands overher heart.
And so as we find those, I thinkit can also be like a visual
(13:11):
cue, right?
For for each other.
Like I have breathing cues, I'vementioned before, where my
daughter, she'll hear me breathea certain way and she'll be
like, Hey, what's going on?
You okay?
And like, yeah, I'm okay.
But yeah.
And she'll be like, What's up?
But I think we can use nonverbalsignals in some of those
moments, right?
Where sometimes the adding anymore words to the fire makes it
(13:33):
just kind of like explode.
But when we have a visual, or wecan point to the ice tray in the
fridge or like the ice, youknow, dispenser, whatever, we
can use those in a way thatdiffuses more than it escalates.
SPEAKER_00 (13:47):
Yeah, such an important point.
I was just talking to a clientabout this this morning.
We have to get it out of ourheads and our bodies.
We don't do very well if we keepit.
We don't do very well if we keeplists in our head.
We don't have great workingmemory.
So getting it out and making itphysical and visual, whether
it's time, organization, oremotional regulation is a key to
(14:09):
move forward.
SPEAKER_01 (14:11):
Yeah.
No, it's such a great point.
What do you do like to supportkids in building those skills
outside of themselves?
So, say like organization or,you know, the executive function
pieces where it's maybe not inthe middle of a meltdown, but
it's just the regular skill setthat over time starts to really
create a bit of a drag in termsof whether it's the feedback
(14:32):
loop, right?
Like the failure feedback loopyou mentioned, or it's just like
the morning routine isconstantly out of whack because
this shoe is missing for thefifth day in a row.
You know, like every day is thesame shoe or whatever.
How do you build those in inadvance?
SPEAKER_00 (14:49):
Yes.
So I can, I'm gonna use anexample of a kid I'm working
with right now.
She's 11, and we're working on,we did just last week work on a
morning routine.
Yeah.
And the challenge was mom washer executive functioning in the
morning.
Mom picked her clothes, momturned off the TV, mom and very
understandably, because that wasthe only way they would get out
(15:11):
of the house.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it was very agreeable, whichkind of waiting around for mom
to do it.
And so we talked about buildingthat independence, not just
because it's important for themorning, but how that is going
to help make those neurologicalconnections for her in all areas
of her life.
Right.
I always tell parents, let yourkiddo carry their backpack.
(15:31):
I know that doesn't sound like abig deal, but it's it's that
step of like, you've got this,right?
And so part of the issue wasthere were too many decisions in
the morning.
There weren't, there wasn't avisual.
She knew what she needed to doin the morning, but when she
woke up, it just all felt liketoo much.
(15:51):
And so they had tried big longchecklists before, but that was
too much, right?
She got through two, and thenher brain was like, Yeah, done.
And so instead of checklists,what we did is we just created a
bunch of little sticky notesthat, you know, and she created
(16:12):
a bunch for like a couple weeksthat had just two things at a
time.
They put them in the areas.
So when she was done with that,she just pulled it off.
And then there were the stickynotes.
So and bright colored stickynotes.
So they were in the areas.
We also built in when she wasmore regulated, like in the
evening, she has a really goodevening routine.
(16:32):
Okay, she's gonna pick out herclothes, but she watches TV in
the morning.
So she doesn't want to go allthe way to her room.
So she's gonna pick out clothesand she's gonna leave them in
the living room and she's gonnaget dressed in the living room.
And then funny, you brought upshoes, and her mom's like, Oh,
but shoes.
And so I said, Well, where canthe shoes be?
Because they're usually, youknow, in the mud room and she's
(16:53):
trying to Yeah.
Well, I guess we can put themwith the clothes.
Yeah.
So now the shoes go in at nightwith the clothes, right?
So it's those simple things thatI think a neurotypical brain or
a neurotypical parent would say,like, well, no, the shoes go in
the mud room.
She can just grab them on theway out.
But for her brain, that was justa step.
That was just too much.
So we eliminated a lot of thefriction.
(17:14):
We created visuals ahead oftime.
And she's using timers.
So they're using Alexa, and it'sjust built-in Alexa timers that
at this time it goes off, atthis time it goes off, and at
this time it goes off.
So it goes off the first timeand she knows that she should
have her clothes on.
Goes off the second time, sheknows breakfast should be done.
So that's that's one way ofmaking it out.
(17:36):
Another way that really workswell with like my teens and my
college students is creatingplaylists for those routines
where they have a morningplaylist, that's the certain
amount of time, and they know bythis song this needs to be
happening, by this song, and itjust it really helps them stay
motivated and stay on top of it.
So those are just a couple ofexamples of how we can make it
(17:58):
outside of us in ways thataren't overwhelming.
And then the other thing is wealways have to have a backup
plan because as soon as thisplan becomes not novel anymore,
I the last thing I want is formy clients to be like, oh, it
doesn't work anymore.
I guess I don't have a morningroutine anymore.
So we always create a falterplan.
(18:19):
So if you're creating aorganization tool or routine,
before it even starts, talkabout what could go wrong, what
could get boring, what might notwork, and have two or three
solutions for each one of thosethat you just already have
waiting for you, right?
(18:39):
They're they're the backup,they're on the bench, ready to
go.
Bring them right in.
SPEAKER_01 (18:44):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love those ideas.
And they seem, like you said, tobe a good balance of
independence, right?
Which is what we're trying tofoster ultimately with executive
function skills, right?
We're trying to create ascenario where there's
scaffolded independence.
Yes.
So as we put some external cuesin place, yes, then foster and
(19:07):
promote those internal signalslike, oh, I need to have my
shoes on by now, this song.
And giving ourselves the spaceto let the process play out in a
supported way, but that's a lotless chaotic.
Yes, exactly.
And I even do this with adultclients.
It's not just kiddos, right?
Totally.
One of the things that I reallyappreciate about your work is
(19:28):
this idea of strength space,right?
Because in so many of thoseinteractions, it could go a
variety of ways.
It can be challenging to findpatients with the same behavior
manifesting itself again andagain.
I love the idea, like you said,of just starting out knowing at
some point this isn't gonnawork.
It's gonna work for a littlebit.
It's not gonna work at somepoint.
And we're just accepting andacknowledging that, like with
(19:50):
the brain that we're workingwith right here, with all of the
beautiful intricacies of it,this is just one thing we're
gonna manage in a way that'sunique to you, you know, and
there's no shame in that.
And it leaves the grace there tojust be like playful and
creative about it instead offrustrated and angsty.
SPEAKER_00 (20:10):
Yeah, exactly.
You know, we could spend so muchtime, and we do, so much
cognitive load on the thingsthat are hard.
And if we don't create toolsthat work for us for those
things that are hard, thatcognitive load just leaves us
drained, exhausted, overwhelmed,frustrated.
So building those tools thenleaves this cognitive load for
(20:33):
those strengths, for the thingsthat we really like.
Because, you know, neurodiversefolks, one thing that we've got
going for us is if we likesomething and we're interested,
we're gonna thrive.
We're gonna do so well.
Yeah.
And we have to have theconditions in place for that to
happen.
So we have to have those otherthings taken care of.
So we're not having to spend allof our time and energy just
(20:54):
surviving.
SPEAKER_01 (20:54):
Yeah.
Managing chaos.
Like there has to be the roomfor the creativity to flourish.
Yeah.
I love it.
Okay, let's continue on thatpath.
And in terms of parentingitself, so as a mom listening
who has ADHD tendencies and ismaybe diagnosed or maybe not,
like you said, because you workwith a range of people who are
like, I think this is me, butI'm not for sure, but I'm pretty
(21:16):
sure, you know, versus somebodywho's like, I just got this
diagnosis and I'm 39, you know.
How do you help moms take careof themselves so that they have
the capacity?
You know what I mean?
Because it's double duty, likeyou're saying, right?
Like you got to do the thingsfor you, and then you got to be
showing up for the people.
And there's just a lot that goesinto that.
SPEAKER_00 (21:37):
Yep.
What I usually work with withmoms, the very first thing, kind
of like we work with theemotional regulation with
families and kiddos, if just aparent comes to me that's
needing support, almost alwaysthe first thing we work on is
self-compassion and reframingthe stories we tell ourselves.
Usually, not always, but moreoften than not, women that come
(22:01):
to me or feel like they needsupport in midlife or when they
become, they have usually spenta long time people pleasing,
being high achievers, running onthat hamster wheel.
And it kind of worked for themfor a long time.
And then you get thrown intomotherhood, or you start a new
job, or you get intoperimenopause, or whatever might
(22:24):
shift that scale for you.
And it can be really, reallyself-draining.
And it can be really hard toface like, wow, I was I was
valedictorian, or I went to thisuniversity, or I was a C-level
executive at this company, andnow I can't even get out of the
house on time.
And so building first thatself-compassion and educating
(22:48):
yourself about what is happeningin your brain and your nervous
system so that it takes youpersonally out of the equation
and knowing, okay, what arehappening with the
neurochemicals in my brain?
This disruption in my life hascreated this whirlpool that's
made those tools and strategiesand masking that I've done for
(23:09):
so many years feel almostimpossible now.
So if you're a mom listening tothis, like, oh, that sounds like
me.
You know, really finding somepodcasts, some books, really
getting educated on what ADHD isand why it might show up later
in life for you and why it mightfeel like you're getting hit by
(23:30):
a freight truck with it can bereally helpful.
And then practicing the art ofself-compassion, which is
treating yourself kindlyregardless of that whirlpool,
and treating yourself with thesame love and respect that you
treat your children, yourpartner, your friends, and
practicing that first, because Ithink that that's the foundation
that we could then build.
(23:52):
You can start to build routinesthat work for you and build
strategies that work for you.
But without that strongfoundation, it's like a Lego
tower that just starts to becomeprecarious.
And so, really, reallypracticing that in your life, I
think is the very first thing.
And then also realizing thatthose tools and strategies that
you use were probably a littlebit like scotch tape.
(24:13):
You were holding it together andyou were probably running on
adrenaline, you were probablyrunning on cortisol, you were
probably staying up all nightbefore a deadline, you were
probably saying yes toeverything except for yourself.
And that's probably why it justkind of crumbled when it wasn't
perfect.
And so acknowledging that andkind of letting some of those go
(24:36):
and then saying, what do I want?
How do I want to do this?
Right?
Do I need to say yes to everysingle committee?
Probably not.
What are the committees I reallylike that I want to say yes to?
Right?
Do I need to go to every socialcommitment because I'm worried
someone's going to be upset withme?
Probably not.
So then how do I handle thatrejection sensitivity dysphoria
(24:58):
when it pops up?
And just taking that one little,one little step at a time,
right?
One little thing that comes upat a time, and then practicing
how you would really want torespond to it.
Welcome to the Stress Nanny, the podcast where
we take the overwhelm out ofparenting and help kids and
parents build calm, confidence,and connection.
I'm your host, Lindsay Miller,Kids Mindfulness Coach and
Cheerleader for busy familieseverywhere.
Each week we'll explore simpletools, uplifting stories, and
practical strategies to helpyour child learn emotional
(00:42):
regulation, resilience, andself-confidence, while giving
you a little more peace of mindtoo.
I'm so glad you're here.
My guest today is Corey Whitlin.
Holding a BA in cognitivescience from Occidental College
and a master's in education andliteracy from the University of
San Diego, Corey combinesneuroscience, learning, and
behavior expertise with a deepunderstanding of the lived ADHD
(01:05):
experience.
As a certified mindfulnessfacilitator and certified ADHD
coach, Corey integratesmindfulness-based strategies to
support resilience,self-compassion, and executive
function growth.
A sought-after speaker, Coreypresents on topics including
ADHD and executive function,self-compassion,
rejection-sensitive dysphoria,and goal setting tailored for
(01:27):
individuals with ADHD.
Through a strengths-based andcompassionate approach, Corey
empowers individuals to navigatechallenges, embrace their unique
brains, and build systems forsuccess.
Corey lives in San Diego with ahusband, three children, and two
rescue dogs, embracing thebeautifully chaotic journey of
neurodiverse living.
(01:48):
Corey, thanks so much forjoining me today.
SPEAKER_00 (01:50):
Thank you, Lindsay.
I'm really excited to be here.
I'm really excited to chat withyou.
SPEAKER_01 (01:54):
Yeah, as am I.
As soon as I saw Corey'smessage, I was excited for this
conversation.
And then the more I learnedabout her work, I just got more
excited.
So we're all in for a treattoday.
And as you can see, just fromher bio, there are a million
things about her that I am anadvocate for as well.
And I think that the tips thatshe's going to be able to share
(02:16):
with us are going to have a bigimpact.
So I'm excited to dive in.
Thank you.
Me too.
Before we get started on kind ofthe nitty-gritty and the
practical tips, can you give usa sense of your journey to this
coaching field and the way thatyou saw the gap in the market
and how you wanted to fill it?
SPEAKER_00 (02:38):
Yes.
So I was a classroom educatorfor a long time.
And in that space, I did specialed education and general ed
education.
My sweet spot were kiddos thatwere neurodiverse.
So whether it was ASD or ADHD,whether it was in special ed or
general ed, those were thekiddos that I tended to get and
(02:58):
I really connected well with.
And I also am neurodiversemyself.
I'm raising three neurodiversekids.
So I was kind of always in theworld.
Even when I was in college, myjob was to work for a school
that was specifically forneurodiverse children.
And so it was always part of mylife.
And then as I really got into itwith families and supporting my
(03:20):
children in my classroom.
And then when I got out of theclassroom and I was doing more
admin and coaching, I justreally saw that there's a lack
of education for a lot of folks.
So a lot of folks that reallywere craving the understanding
of okay, what I have thisdiagnosis or I don't have this
diagnosis, but I have all thesethings going on, or my child
does.
(03:40):
What does that mean?
And then how do I help?
And then I also saw there were alot of like get ADHD fixed
quicks.
There's a lot of books and a lotof apps.
And what I saw is that thesegeneralized systems and routines
for folks weren't workingbecause every brain is so
(04:00):
different.
That's why it's calledneurodiversity, right?
And so people were feeling a lotof shame and carrying all of the
shame and all of thisfrustration because they feel
like, oh, I've just tried it alland it doesn't work.
And then seeing my own threekids and how each one, if
anybody has multiple children,you understand this, each one
needed a completely differentset of skills, completely
(04:23):
different set of parenting, eventhough they have the same exact
diagnosis.
And so that led me to reallyseeking my certification in ADHD
coaching and thinking, wow, Iknow a lot about education.
I know a lot about mindfulnessbecause I'd been a mindfulness
facilitator for about eightyears at that point.
And I really want to be able toplug in that support for folks
(04:47):
that just feel like they'refloundering and they just really
want tangible, real tools forthemselves.
SPEAKER_01 (04:55):
Yeah.
Oh, I love all of that.
I think especially poignant tome is the fact that this is the
water you're swimming in all thetime, right?
And, you know, I think it speaksto your mindfulness and it
speaks to the strategies thatyou use that you have the
capacity to share, right?
That you have the experience andyou can then translate that
(05:16):
you're keeping yourself in aplace of steadiness, such that
you can then offer, you know,outside of you.
And so I love that you can blendthat chaos that is living with a
family, and you know, themindful, just like
strengths-based approach that islooking at each in unique
individual and being like,they're a strategy screw.
We just need to figure out whatthey are.
SPEAKER_00 (05:38):
Exactly.
And that's the best part of myjob is, and I always tell folks,
I've never had two clients thathave the same set of tools.
And and it's so cool becausehaving ADHD myself, it's a lot
of novelty.
So it's really fun.
And also just watching peoplereally think outside of the box
and creating a strategy orroutine that is totally
(06:01):
different than what the worldhas told them.
And then it clicks for them.
And just, you know, interruptingthat failure feedback loop and
all of the sudden creating thisnew story where, oh wow, I can't
be organized or I can't getplaces on time, or I can't
concentrate.
And so that's, you know, ifsomeone is out there thinking,
wow, no, I really have tried itall, it's really finding that
(06:25):
spark for you and what fits foryou.
It's like putting on like a warmjacket that that fits just
perfectly.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (06:32):
I love that phrase, how did you say it?
That failure feedbackdisruption.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's such a powerful phrase.
I we share a similarity in thatI did my internship in a junior
high classroom.
And so I was in the thick ofthese kids, it was a resource
classroom.
And so my kiddos would come in,same, you know, same story where
(06:54):
they had these neurodiversetendencies.
And then it was just such abeautiful moment.
Like you said, when they foundthat coat, when they realized
there were tools and strategiesthat helped them feel competent
for maybe the first time ever.
SPEAKER_00 (07:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (07:08):
And you just watch this transformation happen.
I still keep a note from one ofthose kiddos like in my binder,
just because I love thetransformation she described in
the note.
I'm like this little middleschool or junior high kid who
finally realized, like, wait, Ican totally do stuff.
Like, you know, and it's soyeah, that moment you can't beat
(07:29):
it with kids, right?
Yes, that is the most amazing.
I love that you still have thatnote.
That's so awesome.
Well, okay, let's get into itbecause you have so many
practical things to share.
Let's start with home momentsthat are easily relatable.
And one of the things youspecialize in is like how to
facilitate these types of toolsand conversations in the middle
(07:50):
of the homework meltdown, right?
In the middle of crazy siblingargument.
So talk to me about some of theways that you approach those
situations.
SPEAKER_00 (07:57):
Yes.
Well, I always triage with myclients, whether they're eight
or 70.
My oldest client right now is70, and my youngest client right
now is eight.
So it really is you've got therange.
Yeah.
So the triaging of buildingemotional regulation and
response skills.
So we know that ADHD and manyother types of neurodiversity
(08:21):
are an emotional regulationchallenge as much as an
intentional challenge or aprocessing challenge.
And I think that component isoften really ignored because
we're so rightly so, way ourworld is set up.
We're so worried about theproductivity and the motivation
and the time management.
Yeah.
And what happens is our brainsand our bodies are just in this
(08:43):
fight, flight or freeze, right?
We're just surviving.
And so we see homework.
And I say we, because I'm in,I'm in this, all right?
We see homework, and all of asudden our brain is like, oh my
gosh, we're being attacked by abear.
And we don't have the strategiesbecause we don't have the
natural way to regulate that.
That prefrontal cortex isn'tvery strong, right?
(09:05):
Yeah.
So all of a sudden we're beingattacked by a bear, we're
overwhelmed, or we're angry, orwe're scared, we're fleeing,
right?
Just last night, my 16-year-oldwas being attacked by a bear
during her English homework andstarted making pumpkin muffins
at 10 a.m.
or 10 p.m., right?
And I feel like that was herfleeing.
(09:25):
Yeah.
So the very first thing in anyhome is creating a way for you
to pause and take care ofyourself.
And we don't do that naturally.
Most littles don't do thatnaturally anyway, right?
Because their brain's totallyunder construction.
But a lot of times, adults inthose homes often are
(09:46):
neurodiverse themselves, whetherthey've been diagnosed or not.
So they don't have the tools.
So working on figuring out whatthat means for you.
And it might mean stopping andtaking deep breaths, but that
might not be helpful.
It might be literally going andgetting an ice cube out of the
freeze and holding an ice cube.
It might be getting outside andfeeling the sun on your face.
(10:08):
It might be listening to yourfavorite song and dancing it
out.
But the key is figuring out howto pause.
So I always recommend everyonein the household has a physical
pause button.
And for some kids, it'sliterally like, okay, pause.
For me, I put two hands on mychest and I take a really deep
(10:28):
breath and that's the signal tomy body.
Okay, pause.
And then we use a fast-forwardremote.
So then we fast forward.
Right.
If I continue, so I'm going tosay from a parent point of view,
if I continue to sit here withmy child totally dysregulated,
saying, we just have to do thehomework.
It should only take fiveminutes.
What's what are the consequencesof that?
Good, bad, or neutral.
(10:49):
Okay, what if I pause and I say,let's go on a walk and we'll do
the homework later?
What are the consequences?
Good, bad, or neutral.
And then I can proceed.
But if we don't practice thatpause button first, and just
practicing that pause button,not even thinking forward, not
even taking care of yourself,just that pause button, then all
(11:10):
the rest of the tools kind offall out of place.
SPEAKER_01 (11:14):
Yeah.
I love that.
The idea of like, you know, apause and a fast forward.
And it's powerful too, right?
Because when you can initiatethe pause or just even recognize
the moments that need it, right?
That's the biggest part, likeyou're saying.
It's the part that makeseverything else possible, but
it's also the part thatredirects us, right?
(11:35):
It gives us that inflectionpoint where it can go a
different way than where it'salready headed, which, like you
mentioned, is often notsomewhere super supportive or
skillful, right?
SPEAKER_00 (11:46):
Yeah, yeah.
And then usually the sensitivitypops in then later, and we don't
feel good at all about it.
We want to do it differently.
And the challenge with ADHDbrains is we don't learn from
natural consequences.
We don't make those connectionsin our brain.
So then the next day, homeworkwill look the same.
And then that night we'll go tobed feeling like, why did I do
(12:07):
that again?
Why?
And so it's that interrupting,right?
That pause and breathing orwalking away or putting water on
your face or jumping up anddown.
If you need to move your body orshaking it out, or whatever
works for you to take that pauseand just recenter, even if it's
one second.
SPEAKER_01 (12:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (12:27):
Right.
And then one second leads to twoseconds, and then two seconds
leads to five seconds.
And it's such a gift we can giveour kids, especially our
neurodiverse kids, becausethey're they have on and off
switches.
Right.
It's trigger response, triggerreaction.
And so creating just even thatfive seconds the space with them
can be such a huge wave to helpthem move forward.
SPEAKER_01 (12:49):
Yeah.
Well, and I love the thereflection around the pause
being a physical, you know,instead of just like a mental or
an emotional, having it be somesomething tactile where it's
like you and your body connect.
If for listeners, she like hadput her hand on her forehead or
she mentioned put two hands overher heart.
And so as we find those, I thinkit can also be like a visual
(13:11):
cue, right?
For for each other.
Like I have breathing cues, I'vementioned before, where my
daughter, she'll hear me breathea certain way and she'll be
like, Hey, what's going on?
You okay?
And like, yeah, I'm okay.
But yeah.
And she'll be like, What's up?
But I think we can use nonverbalsignals in some of those
moments, right?
Where sometimes the adding anymore words to the fire makes it
(13:33):
just kind of like explode.
But when we have a visual, or wecan point to the ice tray in the
fridge or like the ice, youknow, dispenser, whatever, we
can use those in a way thatdiffuses more than it escalates.
SPEAKER_00 (13:47):
Yeah, such an important point.
I was just talking to a clientabout this this morning.
We have to get it out of ourheads and our bodies.
We don't do very well if we keepit.
We don't do very well if we keeplists in our head.
We don't have great workingmemory.
So getting it out and making itphysical and visual, whether
it's time, organization, oremotional regulation is a key to
(14:09):
move forward.
SPEAKER_01 (14:11):
Yeah.
No, it's such a great point.
What do you do like to supportkids in building those skills
outside of themselves?
So, say like organization or,you know, the executive function
pieces where it's maybe not inthe middle of a meltdown, but
it's just the regular skill setthat over time starts to really
create a bit of a drag in termsof whether it's the feedback
(14:32):
loop, right?
Like the failure feedback loopyou mentioned, or it's just like
the morning routine isconstantly out of whack because
this shoe is missing for thefifth day in a row.
You know, like every day is thesame shoe or whatever.
How do you build those in inadvance?
SPEAKER_00 (14:49):
Yes.
So I can, I'm gonna use anexample of a kid I'm working
with right now.
She's 11, and we're working on,we did just last week work on a
morning routine.
Yeah.
And the challenge was mom washer executive functioning in the
morning.
Mom picked her clothes, momturned off the TV, mom and very
understandably, because that wasthe only way they would get out
(15:11):
of the house.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it was very agreeable, whichkind of waiting around for mom
to do it.
And so we talked about buildingthat independence, not just
because it's important for themorning, but how that is going
to help make those neurologicalconnections for her in all areas
of her life.
Right.
I always tell parents, let yourkiddo carry their backpack.
(15:31):
I know that doesn't sound like abig deal, but it's it's that
step of like, you've got this,right?
And so part of the issue wasthere were too many decisions in
the morning.
There weren't, there wasn't avisual.
She knew what she needed to doin the morning, but when she
woke up, it just all felt liketoo much.
(15:51):
And so they had tried big longchecklists before, but that was
too much, right?
She got through two, and thenher brain was like, Yeah, done.
And so instead of checklists,what we did is we just created a
bunch of little sticky notesthat, you know, and she created
(16:12):
a bunch for like a couple weeksthat had just two things at a
time.
They put them in the areas.
So when she was done with that,she just pulled it off.
And then there were the stickynotes.
So and bright colored stickynotes.
So they were in the areas.
We also built in when she wasmore regulated, like in the
evening, she has a really goodevening routine.
(16:32):
Okay, she's gonna pick out herclothes, but she watches TV in
the morning.
So she doesn't want to go allthe way to her room.
So she's gonna pick out clothesand she's gonna leave them in
the living room and she's gonnaget dressed in the living room.
And then funny, you brought upshoes, and her mom's like, Oh,
but shoes.
And so I said, Well, where canthe shoes be?
Because they're usually, youknow, in the mud room and she's
(16:53):
trying to Yeah.
Well, I guess we can put themwith the clothes.
Yeah.
So now the shoes go in at nightwith the clothes, right?
So it's those simple things thatI think a neurotypical brain or
a neurotypical parent would say,like, well, no, the shoes go in
the mud room.
She can just grab them on theway out.
But for her brain, that was justa step.
That was just too much.
So we eliminated a lot of thefriction.
(17:14):
We created visuals ahead oftime.
And she's using timers.
So they're using Alexa, and it'sjust built-in Alexa timers that
at this time it goes off, atthis time it goes off, and at
this time it goes off.
So it goes off the first timeand she knows that she should
have her clothes on.
Goes off the second time, sheknows breakfast should be done.
So that's that's one way ofmaking it out.
(17:36):
Another way that really workswell with like my teens and my
college students is creatingplaylists for those routines
where they have a morningplaylist, that's the certain
amount of time, and they know bythis song this needs to be
happening, by this song, and itjust it really helps them stay
motivated and stay on top of it.
So those are just a couple ofexamples of how we can make it
(17:58):
outside of us in ways thataren't overwhelming.
And then the other thing is wealways have to have a backup
plan because as soon as thisplan becomes not novel anymore,
I the last thing I want is formy clients to be like, oh, it
doesn't work anymore.
I guess I don't have a morningroutine anymore.
So we always create a falterplan.
(18:19):
So if you're creating aorganization tool or routine,
before it even starts, talkabout what could go wrong, what
could get boring, what might notwork, and have two or three
solutions for each one of thosethat you just already have
waiting for you, right?
(18:39):
They're they're the backup,they're on the bench, ready to
go.
Bring them right in.
SPEAKER_01 (18:44):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love those ideas.
And they seem, like you said, tobe a good balance of
independence, right?
Which is what we're trying tofoster ultimately with executive
function skills, right?
We're trying to create ascenario where there's
scaffolded independence.
Yes.
So as we put some external cuesin place, yes, then foster and
(19:07):
promote those internal signalslike, oh, I need to have my
shoes on by now, this song.
And giving ourselves the spaceto let the process play out in a
supported way, but that's a lotless chaotic.
Yes, exactly.
And I even do this with adultclients.
It's not just kiddos, right?
Totally.
One of the things that I reallyappreciate about your work is
(19:28):
this idea of strength space,right?
Because in so many of thoseinteractions, it could go a
variety of ways.
It can be challenging to findpatients with the same behavior
manifesting itself again andagain.
I love the idea, like you said,of just starting out knowing at
some point this isn't gonnawork.
It's gonna work for a littlebit.
It's not gonna work at somepoint.
And we're just accepting andacknowledging that, like with
(19:50):
the brain that we're workingwith right here, with all of the
beautiful intricacies of it,this is just one thing we're
gonna manage in a way that'sunique to you, you know, and
there's no shame in that.
And it leaves the grace there tojust be like playful and
creative about it instead offrustrated and angsty.
SPEAKER_00 (20:10):
Yeah, exactly.
You know, we could spend so muchtime, and we do, so much
cognitive load on the thingsthat are hard.
And if we don't create toolsthat work for us for those
things that are hard, thatcognitive load just leaves us
drained, exhausted, overwhelmed,frustrated.
So building those tools thenleaves this cognitive load for
(20:33):
those strengths, for the thingsthat we really like.
Because, you know, neurodiversefolks, one thing that we've got
going for us is if we likesomething and we're interested,
we're gonna thrive.
We're gonna do so well.
Yeah.
And we have to have theconditions in place for that to
happen.
So we have to have those otherthings taken care of.
So we're not having to spend allof our time and energy just
(20:54):
surviving.
SPEAKER_01 (20:54):
Yeah.
Managing chaos.
Like there has to be the roomfor the creativity to flourish.
Yeah.
I love it.
Okay, let's continue on thatpath.
And in terms of parentingitself, so as a mom listening
who has ADHD tendencies and ismaybe diagnosed or maybe not,
like you said, because you workwith a range of people who are
like, I think this is me, butI'm not for sure, but I'm pretty
(21:16):
sure, you know, versus somebodywho's like, I just got this
diagnosis and I'm 39, you know.
How do you help moms take careof themselves so that they have
the capacity?
You know what I mean?
Because it's double duty, likeyou're saying, right?
Like you got to do the thingsfor you, and then you got to be
showing up for the people.
And there's just a lot that goesinto that.
SPEAKER_00 (21:37):
Yep.
What I usually work with withmoms, the very first thing, kind
of like we work with theemotional regulation with
families and kiddos, if just aparent comes to me that's
needing support, almost alwaysthe first thing we work on is
self-compassion and reframingthe stories we tell ourselves.
Usually, not always, but moreoften than not, women that come
(22:01):
to me or feel like they needsupport in midlife or when they
become, they have usually spenta long time people pleasing,
being high achievers, running onthat hamster wheel.
And it kind of worked for themfor a long time.
And then you get thrown intomotherhood, or you start a new
job, or you get intoperimenopause, or whatever might
(22:24):
shift that scale for you.
And it can be really, reallyself-draining.
And it can be really hard toface like, wow, I was I was
valedictorian, or I went to thisuniversity, or I was a C-level
executive at this company, andnow I can't even get out of the
house on time.
And so building first thatself-compassion and educating
(22:48):
yourself about what is happeningin your brain and your nervous
system so that it takes youpersonally out of the equation
and knowing, okay, what arehappening with the
neurochemicals in my brain?
This disruption in my life hascreated this whirlpool that's
made those tools and strategiesand masking that I've done for
(23:09):
so many years feel almostimpossible now.
So if you're a mom listening tothis, like, oh, that sounds like
me.
You know, really finding somepodcasts, some books, really
getting educated on what ADHD isand why it might show up later
in life for you and why it mightfeel like you're getting hit by
(23:30):
a freight truck with it can bereally helpful.
And then practicing the art ofself-compassion, which is
treating yourself kindlyregardless of that whirlpool,
and treating yourself with thesame love and respect that you
treat your children, yourpartner, your friends, and
practicing that first, because Ithink that that's the foundation
that we could then build.
(23:52):
You can start to build routinesthat work for you and build
strategies that work for you.
But without that strongfoundation, it's like a Lego
tower that just starts to becomeprecarious.
And so, really, reallypracticing that in your life, I
think is the very first thing.
And then also realizing thatthose tools and strategies that
you use were probably a littlebit like scotch tape.
(24:13):
You were holding it together andyou were probably running on
adrenaline, you were probablyrunning on cortisol, you were
probably staying up all nightbefore a deadline, you were
probably saying yes toeverything except for yourself.
And that's probably why it justkind of crumbled when it wasn't
perfect.
And so acknowledging that andkind of letting some of those go
(24:36):
and then saying, what do I want?
How do I want to do this?
Right?
Do I need to say yes to everysingle committee?
Probably not.
What are the committees I reallylike that I want to say yes to?
Right?
Do I need to go to every socialcommitment because I'm worried
someone's going to be upset withme?
Probably not.
So then how do I handle thatrejection sensitivity dysphoria
(24:58):
when it pops up?
And just taking that one little,one little step at a time,
right?
One little thing that comes upat a time, and then practicing
how you would really want torespond to it.
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