Summer Skills Series: Master the Art of Active Listening

Ever noticed how family conflicts spiral when everyone's talking but nobody's listening? Welcome to the Summer Skills Series on the Stress Nanny Podcast, where today we're diving into the transformative power of active listening.

Most of us think we listen well, but during heated moments with our children, we're often just waiting for our turn to speak or formulating rebuttals rather than truly hearing what's being said. This episode uncovers the neuroscience behind why active listening is so much more than just a communication technique—it's a bridge that connects a child's emotional brain center (amygdala) with their logical problem-solving center (prefrontal cortex). When children feel genuinely heard through phrases like "What I'm hearing you say is..." or "If I understand correctly...", something magical happens: their defensive posture softens, and real problem-solving becomes possible.

The beauty of summer is that it gives us the perfect low-pressure environment to practice emotional intelligence skills before they're needed during the more structured school year. Learn practical phrases that demonstrate active listening, understand why sequencing events helps children integrate different brain regions, and discover how to model this skill so effectively that your children naturally begin using it themselves. This isn't about perfect parenting—it's about creating moments of connection that reduce stress and build resilience for the whole family. Ready to transform how your family communicates? This episode might just be the most valuable 10 minutes of your summer.

For the first Summer Skills Episode on Reacting vs. Responding click here.

Lindsay Miller is a distinguished kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks and playful laugh. When she's not cheering on her daughter or rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications, Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and leave a lasting impression wherever she goes.

To sign up for Lindsay's "Calm & Collected" Newsletter click here.

To review the podcast click here.

Episode Transcript

Lindsay Miller (00:07):
You're listening to the Stress Nanny Podcast and
I'm your host, lindsay Miller.
I'm here to help you keep aneye on your family's stress
levels.
In our fast-paced lives, theability to manage stress has
never been more important forkids or adults.
When it comes to stress, wehave two choices we can decrease
stress or increase ourresilience to it.
Here on the number eight rankedstress podcast, I interview

(00:29):
experts and share insights tohelp you do both.
When you tune in each week,you'll bring your stress levels
down and your resilience up sothat stress doesn't get in the
way of you living your best life.
I'm so glad you're here.
Welcome to the Stress NannyPodcast.
I'm your host, lindsay Miller,and I'm delighted you're here
for another episode of ourSummer Skills Series.

(00:52):
So if you listened last week,this is a series we're doing to
help you practice skills ofemotional intelligence at home
during the summer.
This is a really great time topractice because we don't have
the hustle and bustle of theschool year and yet these tools
and skills that we'll practiceare going to come in really
clutch during the school year.
They make communication easier,they make emotional regulation

(01:15):
easier and they just make lifeflow a little bit better.
So this week we're going tobuild on our conversation from
last week about response andreaction, and we're going to
build on our conversation fromlast week about response and
reaction and we're going to talkabout active listening.
So a lot of times when we'recommunicating with other people,
when they are talking, we'rebusy formulating a response.
Either it's a rebuttal,something to kind of fight back

(01:37):
or argue what they've said, orit's like a contribution where
we're saying, oh yeah, I've donethat too, like I loved it, it
was such a fun place to visit,or that concert was amazing.
Yeah, I thought it was one ofthe best I've ever been to, and
those are great.
Like, those responses are greatand we don't need to be overly
nitpicky about how we respond incertain situations.

(01:57):
But when emotions are high,practicing active listening is
especially important because itallows us to respond more than
we react.
So, like I said, in everydayconversations, if you're just
chatting about what you did lastnight, a game you watched or
played in there's not, you know,we can actively listen and it's
great.

(02:18):
But it's not as crucial as ifwe're in a disagreement, if
we're trying to work through aproblem, if, you know, in a
disciplinary situation with kids.
If we're in a disagreement, ifwe're trying to work through a
problem, if, you know, in adisciplinary situation with kids
, if they're trying to explaintheir point of view, those
moments active listening canhave a really big impact because
they allow everyone in theexchange to feel seen and heard.
And when people, especiallykids, feel seen and heard,

(02:41):
they're much more likely to,like, engage in dialogue or
problem solve or, you know, gothrough the process of resolving
a conflict, um, rather than ifthey're kind of digging their
heels in and just really reallywanting to be seen, really
really wanting to be heard andwanting their perspective and
viewpoint to be validated.

(03:01):
Now, I know it can get tiring todo this constantly, or
especially in the middle ofarguments, when potentially
you've seen something happen oryou know that the conversation
meant a little bit differentlythan what the child in front of
you is saying, that it is how itwent.
But again, even in thosesituations, validating the

(03:22):
perspective of the person simplyby reflecting back what you
heard allows you to find somecommon ground to continue the
conversation on.
So let me go through a fewphrases that can be used in
these types of situations togive you an example of what
active listening can look like.
So the idea is that we clarifyand then we respond.

(03:43):
So the clarifying questions wecan ask are things like so what
you're saying is fill in theblank, if I heard you right and
then you repeat you know itdoesn't have to be word for word
, but you repeat back what theother person just told you
correct me if I'm wrong, but itseems like and then you go ahead

(04:06):
and repeat back what they saidor what you know, what their
side of the argument or theirperspective on any exchange is,
or just something as simple asit sounds like what you're
saying is.
So in the exchange where wehave the opportunity to practice
this type of reflective activelistening, what we do is we open

(04:26):
up our own understanding of theother person's perspective and
until they feel that you know,seen and heard, they're going to
be fighting, fighting, fightingto have their perspective
validated, so like have theirperspective appropriately
represented, so like have theirperspective appropriately

(04:59):
represented.
So, even though it might soundtedious to repeat back what
someone just told you, it isactually really effective and
it's also helpful and can savetime, because in the long run,
if you go through and solve aproblem but it's not actually
the problem that needs solving,then you've just wasted a bunch
of time.
But if you can get clarity onthe problem at hand and then
solve it, you know, in acreative way, then you're in a
position to, you know, just movethrough it with a bit more ease
.
One more thing I will say isthat when we're talking with
kids who are emotionallytriggered so maybe they like a

(05:20):
sibling has hit them or takensomething, or they've just had a
really rough exchange with afriend their amygdala the part
of the brain that's kind of afight, flight, freeze, faint or
fawn the reactive part of thebrain, that's what gets
activated.
When we can help kids connectto the prefrontal cortex, which
is a part of the brain that canproblem solve, it can process

(05:42):
emotion, it can talk throughdifferent situations, that part
of the brain is more receptiveto moving through struggle,
whereas the amygdala is going tobe the part of the brain that
kind of keeps it going.
So anytime we can connect kidsto the prefrontal cortex, we're
going to help them diffuse thesituation, whereas if they just
stay stuck in the amygdala, thesituation will likely escalate.

(06:04):
Now here's where that'simportant, because when we
practice this reflective activelistening, we invite them
naturally to translate thosefeelings that they're feeling
from the amygdala into words.
So when we can bring some logiconline, when we can help kids
get a little more analyticalabout what's going on, even if

(06:24):
it's like let me get the orderof this right.
So what you're saying is Johncame in the room while you were
working on your Legos.
He knocked over your Legos.
You were really angry and sothen you whacked him in the leg.
Is that the order?
Is that how it happened?
Even just a conversation likethat, where it's reflective,
you're trying to get all theinformation.

(06:45):
You're trying to make sure thatthe child who's frustrated, or
you know the kids in theexchange are talking through
what happened and how they feltabout it.
Then, like, if he's like, oh,no, like, first I called him to
come in and look at what I wasmaking because I thought it was
so cool, and then when he camein, that's when he knocked it
over.
You know something like that.

(07:05):
Anytime they're processing andhaving to sequence something,
the prefrontal cortex isactivated.
So active listening not onlyinvites them to feel seen and
heard and kind of helps put youon a trajectory to work through
the issue.
It also serves them because itputs all of their brain working
together.
It's called integration.

(07:25):
So when we can integrate thedifferent parts of the brain,
the emotive parts and thelogical parts, we end up with a
whole brained child, a child whocan think through the feelings
that they're having and thenwork with them in a productive
rather than a reactive way.
So I'd love to hear this week,if you practice active listening
, how it goes and what kinds ofthings you learn as a result of

(07:49):
practicing.
And just like any skill, whenwe practice and model the skill
for our kids, they're in aposition to then figure out how
to use that skill in their ownlives.
So I recommend with any of theseskills, that you kind of put it
into practice for a little bit.
First, you know you walkthrough what it looks like in a
given situation before ithappens.

(08:09):
So think through how you mightuse active listening the next
time a child comes to you with acomplaint, the next time you're
breaking up a fight, the nexttime your kiddo comes home upset
from school or from a play dateor from.
You know any of thosesituations and then you think
about how you might respond.
So the more you kind of canvisualize how you would respond

(08:30):
to those moments, the easierit's going to be.
When, like, a moment faces youduring the summer, right, where
you're just like with your kiddoat the playground and something
happens, you can put the skillinto practice.
It can be tricky, without kindof thinking it through a little
bit beforehand, to just on thefly make it a habit.
But if you can kind of walkthrough like, think through the
past school year, think throughstuff you've done this summer,

(08:51):
and think about when I'm, when Icould have used this skill,
when, when would it have come inhandy?
What would I have said, andthen it'll be easier when you
face a moment that you reallyneed to use it.
So again, once we start topractice it on our own, practice
it with our kids, it becomesmore natural for us and then we
can use it in a situation wheremaybe the kids are having an

(09:14):
argument with each other.
If it's not too heated and it'sstill at the point where
there's some communication thatcan happen, we can use some too
heated and it's still at thepoint where there's some
communication that can happen.
We can, you know, use somereflective listening and say,
like John, what would you?
You know, like what?
Did you just hear Jimmy say how?
How does Jimmy feeling aboutthis?
And we invite kids to reflect,to process and to practice the

(09:37):
skill themselves.
Again, we never want to makethis punitive.
It's never something like.
You just need to use youractive listening skills right.
It's always an imitation, assomething that we model first so
that they know what it feelslike and they know how different
it feels when we're actuallyseen and heard in an exchange,
and then they'll be moreinclined to use it in other

(09:58):
situations.
So good luck with activelistening.
I'm excited to hear how it goes.
Thanks again for being hereuntil next time.
You've just finished an episodeof the stress nanny podcast, so
hopefully you feel a little moreempowered when it comes to
dealing with stress.
Feel free to take a deep breathand let it out slowly as you go

(10:20):
back to your day.
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(10:40):
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Thank you again for being here.
Until next time.