What if Discouragement is Just a Feeling, Not an Identity?

Have you ever cringed when your child declared "I'm the worst!" during a challenging homework session? That moment of self-defeating language offers a powerful opportunity for transformation—if you know how to respond.

The latest episode of the Summer Skills Series tackles reframing, a deceptively simple tool with profound impacts on how children view themselves during difficult moments. This technique separates feelings from identity, turning global, hopeless statements like "I'm never going to figure this out" into manageable, temporary experiences. When consistently applied, reframing helps children develop resilience and a growth mindset that serves them far beyond academic challenges.

What makes this approach so effective is how it acknowledges emotions while creating pathways forward. Rather than dismissing feelings or rushing to fix problems, effective reframing validates the struggle while maintaining agency. "You're feeling discouraged right now" communicates a fundamental truth: people feel feelings, but they are not those feelings. This distinction allows children to work through emotions rather than becoming stuck in them.

The episode breaks down exactly how to implement this technique, from managing your own triggered responses to using active listening as your foundation. You'll learn specific language patterns that help children navigate discouragement, concrete examples of effective reframes, and strategies for staying present during challenging interactions. Whether your child struggles with homework frustration, social anxiety, or sports performance, these tools provide a consistent framework for supporting their emotional growth.

Ready to transform how your child navigates challenges? Listen now and discover how small shifts in language can create massive shifts in mindset. Share your own reframing successes in the comments—what strategies have worked in your family?

Lindsay Miller is a distinguished kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks and playful laugh. When she's not cheering on her daughter or rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications, Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and leave a lasting impression wherever she goes.

To sign up for Lindsay's "Calm & Collected" Newsletter click here.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):
You're listening to the Stress Nanny Podcast and I'm
your host, lindsay Miller.
I'm here to help you keep aneye on your family's stress
levels.
In our fast-paced lives, theability to manage stress has
never been more important forkids or adults.
When it comes to stress, wehave two choices we can decrease
stress or increase ourresilience to it.
Here on the number eight rankedstress podcast, I interview

(00:29):
experts and share insights tohelp you do both.
When you tune in each week,you'll bring your stress levels
down and your resilience up, sothat stress doesn't get in the
way of you living your best life.
I'm so glad you're here.
Welcome to the Stress NannyPodcast.
I'm your host, lindsay Miller,and I'm delighted that you're
here today for another episodeof our Summer Skills Series.

(00:53):
So these are episodes where weare applying tools of emotional
regulation to small momentsthroughout the summer to help us
use those tools moreconsistently once school starts
and life gets a little bit morecrazy and busy.
So today, what we're going tobe talking about is reframing.
This is a simple tool thatmakes a massive difference, and

(01:14):
I'm going to go over why in justa minute, but I just want to
start out by emphasizing thatthis may seem like a very
elementary or simple way ofaddressing a problem, but when
you use it consistently over thelongterm, it has a significant
impact on how your interactionswith your kids go or with anyone

(01:35):
for that matter, and also onhow they see themselves, and
that's the key.
If we can help them reframe theway that they see themselves,
especially when they'restruggling, we give them a
massive gift in terms of theirability to adopt a growth
mindset in challengingsituations in or outside of our
home.

(01:55):
And so this tool is one of myabsolute all-time favorites.
It's one I use with my clientsevery single week and it's one
we use in our house, you know,multiple times a day, because it
really does change the way thata child sees themselves, and
that it's just.
I can't overstate how importantthat is for growing minds to

(02:18):
see themselves as capable andresilient, and this tool is what
fosters that kind of attitudein kids.
So here we go.
So when we reframe, what we dois we kind of build on these
other skills we've been talkingabout.
So response versus reaction, andthen active listening reframing
, you know, utilizes both.
So in a situation where a childsays something that kind of

(02:41):
makes us cringe and we're like,oh, I'm so sad that you see
yourself that way.
Or like, oh, I hurts my heartto hear you say that about
yourself.
In those moments we often haveour own reaction right and we
might say, like don't say that,or like that's not true.
And then we also sometimes like, sometimes we'll also reframe

(03:01):
after we have that initialreaction, but a lot of times it
kind of like hurts our heart andit's hard for us to respond in
an intentional way.
So a lot of the reactionresponse work here is going to
be for us as the parent.
When we engage in the situation, we're going to need to be
intentional about our response.
And then we're going to use theactive listening skills that we

(03:22):
cultivated last week to help uscreate that reframe.
So we're going to notice ourfeelings, we're going to really
listen and clarify what's goingon and then we're going to just
like shift the words a littlebit.
We're still going to be true towhat they're saying, but we're
going to clarify for them andwe're going to give them a
pathway through.
Again, I'm going to go overthat in just a second.

(03:42):
But the things that we're goingto say in this moment require
us to be really present, becausewe're going to have to process
our own feelings about it.
We're going to need to activelyconnect with what our kid is
feeling and then we're going tofind the words that help all of
us move through a little bitmore effectively.
So the words that we use matterright, and when we're in a
situation, say, where our kidsare doing homework and I hear

(04:06):
this from clients where you knowlike they're in the middle of
solving a problem and they can'tfigure it out, they're like I'm
the worst.
I'm the worst at you know, fillin the blank of the subject or
I'm the worst in general, likeI'm the worst, I'm never going
to figure this out.
And a lot of the client workthat I do is around growth

(04:26):
mindset, and so, as we'retalking about different growth
mindset ideas, one of theimportant things is that we see
ourselves like as a personhaving a moment, instead of
globalizing that moment.
So in this situation, if we'resitting there, our kid is at the
kitchen table and we hear I'mthe worst, I'm never going to
figure this out with some, youknow, like fist slamming or
throwing papers or just likeexasperated size, then that's

(04:50):
when we like put our tools towork Right, and we're like oh,
it sounds like you're feelingreally discouraged right now.
Tell me what's going on.
Okay, now it's a simple reframe, right, like in from.
I am the worst, I'm never goingto figure this out.
Our reflection back to the kid,our active listening, is it
sounds like you're feelingdiscouraged.

(05:11):
So we figured out the feelingand we say, right now we're
going to conceptualize it aslike a moment in time, not
everything about you, and thentell me what's going on.
So then we invite the child tothen use, like, their logical
sequencing part of the brain toconnect with the emotion and
then, like, create a narrativethat's going to help them move

(05:33):
through the moment.
And as we are listening, we'regoing to continue to reframe so
that we help them, like, have amomentum forward instead of that
feeling of stuck.
And it's a really simple thingand we can do that with words.
So let's break that down alittle bit in a little bit more
detail.
So again, the child says I amthe worst, I'm never going to

(05:53):
figure this out.
So this is where we use ouractive listening and we're going
to say like, okay, instead offeeling what, we're going to
notice first our own responseright, like we might be feeling
exasperated, frustrated, wemight be feeling like I don't
have time for this.
We might, you know, there mightbe any number of responses we
have personally.
We sort those, we notice them,we don't respond from that place
.
We like let those thoughts comeand go, we normalize them and

(06:16):
say, yeah, like I'm having arough day, there's a lot going
on right now.
Like it makes sense that I'mfeeling frustrated, I'm going to
so that I can be productive inthis exchange with my kid and
then.
So then we say, okay, our activelistening is telling me that my
kid is feeling discouraged,right, like, if I'm listening
and I'm really like mining whatthe feeling is behind, I am the

(06:38):
worst.
I'm never going to figure thisout.
That's discouragement, becausethat's the sense of, like you
know, hopelessness.
We're not going to be able tomove through this math problem
or science problem or Englishessay, whatever it is that we're
working on.
Like I am stuck.
And when we feel discouragedand helpless, we're, we're not
in a position to take effectiveaction, right, but if someone

(07:00):
can come and help us recognize,like, oh, this is discouragement
.
It's really normal to feeldiscouraged when you're learning
something new.
That's what everyone feels.
The important thing is that youkeep trying and eventually that
discouragement will turn intoconfidence and then you know,
like those types of situations,you could use your own words.
But when we normalize thediscouragement in a moment where

(07:21):
a child is learning somethingnew, we give them permission to
feel it and then, once they havepermission to feel it, they can
move through it right.
So us being able to identifywhat's at the heart of the words
is going to be key to thisreframe and what we do in that
situation.
So again, if we reframe I'm theworst too it sounds like you're

(07:42):
feeling really discouragedright now.
Just by changing those words alittle bit, what we do is we
separate the feeling from theperson, so you're not a person
who's the worst, I am the worst.
It becomes a like a part of theidentity, right?
I'm never going to figure thisout Like this is all like a
permanent part of your identity,right?

(08:04):
When we say something like itsounds like you're feeling
really discouraged right now.
We separate the feeling fromthe person, so you are not
discouragement yourself, you arefeeling discouraged, and while
it feels like a big feeling andis taking over all of your
feelings right now it's juststill a feeling.
You're a whole beautiful personwho is feeling discouraged at
the moment.
And then the other thing we dowith that reframe when we say it

(08:28):
sounds like you're feelingreally discouraged right now, we
take it from a global situationI am the worst.
It's like a universal globalstatement Like this is how it
has been, this is how it is now,this is how it will always be.
I am the worst, right.
But when we say you're feelingdiscouraged right now, that
takes it from hopeless intosituational.

(08:49):
So instead of it being thishopeless, global, always has
been, always will be statement,it becomes like oh, you're a
person who's feeling a lot ofdifferent things and right now
you're feeling discouraged.
Yesterday you're feelingexcited, tomorrow you might feel
angry.
People feel feelings.
People are not feelings.
So again, we don't have to sayall that, and this doesn't.

(09:13):
This isn't about making it intoa lecture where we explain each
of these things, but I'm justgiving you like insight into why
these small and simple reframeshave a massive impact.
So, with those, just that onesentence, right.
So you hear, I'm the worst, I'mnever going to figure this out.
And then you reflect back itsounds like you're feeling
really discouraged right now.
Tell me what's going on.
You have separated the feelingfrom the person.

(09:36):
You have made the situationlike a true situational exchange
instead of something global.
That's always going to be thisway, and you open yourself up to
learn more.
If the child says like theteacher didn't explain it right
and I don't understand how to doit and my friends aren't
available and there's just noway I'm going to figure this out
, then again you can say likewow, it feels like you're really

(09:58):
feeling stuck and it is so hardto feel stuck.
Feeling stuck is one of theworst things I I would say I'm
allergic to helplessness, but Ibut I hate that feeling.
But when we notice that's whatwe're feeling, we can work with
it right and we can sit with it.
But if I fight helplessness andI'm like no, no, no, you're not
, you know you're not feelinghelpless, then I'm not actually

(10:20):
giving my child the opportunityto engage with A the feeling and
then B the solution.
So if I say, oh my gosh,helplessness is so hard to feel,
I hate feeling helpless too.
Let's figure out what we can doin this situation to see if we
can make it feel a little lesshelpless, right?
Is there anyone else you couldcall?

(10:41):
Could we look online, you know,for some tutorials or a support
or a solution?
You know, if it's math are welike is there a Khan Academy
tutorial or is there somethingon YouTube that could help us?
I mean, I'm not a big fan ofusing chat GPT to like write our
essays, but is chat GPTsomething we could consult right
now, right?
So all of the things we're liketeaching our child in this

(11:04):
moment is like how to workthrough this feeling that
they're feeling.
That feels really likeuncomfortable.
But if we're fighting, likewe're not even willing to feel
that feeling or sit with them init, that's where we're like
just gloss over that, don't feelhelpless, just do something
different or figure it out Likeyou'll get there.
Those things are all great andit's good to encourage them.
But when we can really sit withthem in that moment and hear

(11:26):
what they're saying andunderstand the feeling that
they're having, then we can likeproblem solve from their
vantage point.
Right, and instead of justthrowing out ideas from a far
away place, we're like sittingwith them in that moment and
being like, yeah, this helplessfeeling about your homework is
awful, let's figure out how tomove through Right.

(11:47):
A lot of times, as we are inthese different situations, we
get triggered.
We aren't able to reframebecause we're having a hard time
managing our thoughts about thesituation.
So if we're not able to manageour mind in that moment, it's
going to be really tricky for usto reframe.
And examples of not managingour mind are we may spin off

(12:07):
into worry about why our kidfeels this way, what it means
for their future, how they feltthis way last week, how it's
irritating to us and we have somany things to do and we're
trying to make dinner how thisemotion might stir up something
in us because we maybe didn'tlike this subject also and we're
feeling, you know, a sense ofour own previous discouragement
about it.

(12:27):
Whatever it is, it's all normalthat this happens and that it
triggers different things in us.
But the key is to mindfullymove through that right.
We can be present, recognizethat that's happening, let those
thoughts go and then choose areframe.
Because if we respond from oneof those places, like if we
respond from our our feeling offrustration and like timing and

(12:48):
I don't have time for this rightnow and like those are the
thoughts that we're kind ofoperating from.
It's going to be really hardfor us to use a reframe in a way
that is effective and that doesnot to say we need to take 30
minutes to address it, cause wedon't always have that Right,
but we often don't have that.
But what we can do is just liketake the 30 seconds to let our

(13:13):
own emotions move through andthen reframe, you know, uh, and
that's, that's the