August 23, 2023 • 48 mins
Life has a way of throwing curveballs... It takes us on unexpected paths and sometimes, it's a struggle just to keep up. In the midst of all this, my grandfather often reminded me, "Control your thoughts and you control your mind." How has that mantra guided me through the upheavals of my personal journey?
Tune in and we'll explore together.
This episode takes you through my journey between 2004 and 2008, a period marked by loss, love, life lessons, and the haunting shadows of addiction. This episode was tough, recounting the profound impact of losing my grandfather and a close friend in quick succession. I also take you through my relationship with Kaitlin, who played an instrumental role in my life, but was also linked to a period of intense personal turmoil.
On this ride, we'll walk the rocky path of my escalating addiction and its toll on my relationships, the pressures of college life in Tucson, and my battles with depression and manic bipolar disorder.
As we move towards the end of this episode, I recount the grim realities of my life post-college. I talk about my struggles with a severe OxyContin addiction while living with my parents and working in the pharmacy industry. This journey hasn't been easy, and it's led to some harsh truths, difficult attempts at quitting, and a life-altering stint in rehab. Yet, through it all, the support I've received has been my saving grace. Join me on this journey and perhaps, you'll find reflections of your own challenges, and the strength to face them head on.
The Successful Degenerate is produced by Brandon Caldwell and Eric Smith from Abuveground.
Make sure to connect and follow on our socials. Rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Subscribe and follow on your favorite platforms so you're notified when new episodes go live!
https://www.instagram.com/thesuccessfuldegenerate/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
What's up everybody?
Welcome back.
It's the successful degenerate.
Hey, my bad guys took a weekoff.
Life got a little bit busy.
We'll get into it here in justa minute.
But let's, you know, start offby reviewing kind of where we
left off last episode.
So last episode we left offwith sharing with you my first
(00:26):
experience with weed and alsogot into a little bit of how my
friend group was starting todevelop.
Also, we also got into theCaitlyn addiction.
So how do we distinguishbetween Caitlyn number one and
Caitlyn number two?
Problem solved, I figured itout.
(00:47):
I know, let's give me a roundof applause, you know I get it.
But hey, caitlyn number one isgoing to be Caitlyn and Caitlyn
number two is going to be Kate.
Okay, well, it's just, it'sdone, settled, problem solved.
But on today's episode, guys,the time period of which this
(01:08):
you know episode takes place isgoing to be between the years of
2004 and 2008.
But we're going to begin with aquick life update the loss of
some key people in my life.
Next, of course, we're going todive into the relationship with
Caitlyn and stay to the end ofthe episode where we start to be
(01:29):
, you know, begin to really getinto, you know, a new career and
how the disease of addictionreally begins to progress within
my life.
But first, quick life update.
Everybody Apologize for missingthe release last week.
You know it can be hard attimes to sit here and dive back
(01:51):
into my own life Right Now.
Not saying that that's anexcuse, right, but there are
certain topics that do hitharder than others.
For me in this episode isdefinitely going to be filled
with some of those moments in mylife.
To be truthful, I have beenprocrastinating, digesting this
episode out, you know, out offear of bringing up some really
(02:14):
difficult emotions.
But it's time to bring thisepisode to life, right, and I'm
prepared to do so.
So that's the life update.
Outside of that, you know, workis going great.
Things are really starting toprogress there.
Family's great, right, you know, looking forward, mom and Rick
(02:35):
are coming back home here in acouple of weeks.
Cannot wait for that, miss them.
So so much.
But hey, then they're going outof town, not even out of town
out of the country, for, youknow, several weeks.
So it's like, hey, you know,come back, spend a little bit of
time and then leave.
Right, the life of retirementcannot wait to get there one day
.
One day it will happen.
(02:57):
But you know, outside of that,megan's working.
She's doing wonderful.
Oh, I do have a new roommate inthe house, megan's friend Lori.
She's staying with me for alittle bit.
It's been such a pleasurehaving her here.
She's been such a wonderfulhelp, as far as you know, with
the dogs and everything, and notto I mean outside of that.
(03:19):
It's just been great to havesomeone to spend time with, like
an, and just chat, right,that's great.
So you know, although everybodyloves living on their own, you
know, in times like these whereyou can step in and really kind
of help someone out, and youknow that's important in your
life and that's important toother people in your life, you
know it's just it's great.
(03:39):
And today, you know I'mgrateful to be in a position
where I can lend a helping handlike that and it's just, it's
wonderful.
But let's get into the episode,guys.
So we're going to begin with.
You know the loss of some key,some key people in my life, and
you know it first started off.
You know, remember we graduatedhigh school back in May of 05.
(04:05):
And about a month later, youknow is essentially when grandpa
passed away.
But, you know, let's begin bytelling you a little bit about
grandpa.
So grandpa was a career AirForceman, traveled the world,
spent 20 plus years in the AirForce where he eventually
(04:27):
brought the family to Luke AirForce Base here in Arizona,
which you know settled thefamily down out in Peoria.
Mom graduated high school outthere and really obviously never
left.
Born and raised here in Arizona, but grandpa was from there.
He went into, he was a salesmanget it right, understand why
(04:52):
where I get the gene from but hesold insurance for a long time.
But more so, he was just agreat man.
Right, there's no better man onthis planet.
In my mind.
He was amazing.
He was amazing.
(05:12):
But throughout my life grandpatook me on numerous, numerous
adventures right, everythingfrom fishing to shooting, to
camping, to learning aboutnature and all that nature has
to offer.
Grandpa also was there toreally instill a lot of values
(05:36):
and morals in my life, and Ithink this is kind of like a
good moment to get into the mostimportant one, right, in my
opinion, and I remember this daylike it was yesterday, like a
super vivid right.
Grandpa and I were at grandpa'shouse.
We're sitting outside and hesits me down and he's like, hey,
(05:56):
let's just chat right, and sowe're talking right.
Well, one of the things thatgrandpa had mentioned in this
conversation and I don'tremember much else from the
conversation, but I do rememberthis, one of the things that he
had mentioned to me is peoplecan control a lot of things in
this world that have an impacton your life.
However, one thing that theycannot control and will never be
(06:21):
able to control is yourthoughts, your mind, and it's
really up to you on how you useyour mind and your thoughts and
what you create internally foryourself.
And that life lesson is stillresonates with me to this day
(06:44):
and I don't think it will everleave.
And it does come up in variousmoments throughout my life that
I remember back on this or Ithink back on this, and I
unfortunately feel like I failbecause of mental health
struggles, feeling like I'm notliving up to my potential, and
(07:07):
that I have zero control over mythoughts throughout my life,
especially in my 20s, especiallywhen you introduce drugs.
And it was difficult because,no matter what, I always thought
back on that and I knew that itwas true, but for me at the
moment in time it didn't ringtrue.
(07:27):
I didn't feel in control ofsome of those things and it was
just a pivotal moment, pivotalconversation that I'll never
forget.
But getting back on topic here,we lost my grandpa again that
month after graduation to ALS.
But let's get into kind of whathappened.
(07:51):
So the night before grandpapassed I called him and I made
plans with him to pick him upthe very next day to go out to
lunch and he seemed in greatspirits.
There was really nothing out ofthe ordinary.
Grandpa was never a complainer,no matter how much pain he was
(08:12):
in or no matter how difficultlife had become.
That just wasn't grandpa.
He always put the face on thatwas strong and able to deal and
defeat this disease.
Well, as we all know, als isunfortunately not defeatable,
(08:37):
but he hung in there for as longas he could and he fought every
step of the way and never gaveup to the point where, as his
muscles, and his legsspecifically, started to
deteriorate, he made theselittle contraptions out of belts
that he would wrap around hislegs and his knees, so that way
(09:00):
he was still able to pull hislegs forward or manipulate his
legs if he needed to.
So that way he didn'tnecessarily need to conform to
life in a wheelchair or someother mobility device.
And it's just amazing watchinghim do that and to have the
willpower to do that.
(09:21):
And he fought tooth and nail tothe very end, as far as not
wanting to end up in thatwheelchair, but of course that's
kind of where it has to goeventually.
Well, it wasn't far along afterthat moment that grandpa passed
away, but he fought right.
But getting back to thatconversation with grandpa, I
(09:44):
made plans to pick him up thevery next day for lunch and
unfortunately I never got tomeet or make that lunch date
with grandpa.
But mom did call the nextmorning crying, essentially, is
kind of what happened.
(10:05):
But she was at the office andshe basically said you and your
brother need to get here quick.
Come pick me up.
We need to get out to grandpa'shouse.
He passed away and we need tosee him before the medics take
him away from the house.
And so we went out there,picked up Andrew and I got in
(10:28):
the car, picked up mom from theoffice and headed out to the
west side to see grandpa.
And when we got there grandpawas in bed where he passed away
in his sleep and I got to seemom say goodbye to him and that
was tough.
And then I got to say I saidbye to him and then the medics
(10:52):
put him on the stretcher andtook him out of the house.
But the impact that this had onmy life was not necessarily
immediate, but definitely, asthe years progressed, this loss
was definitely a huge impact onmy life for multiple reasons.
(11:15):
But after grandpa passed awayit wasn't very long after that
we lost my friend, joe Mug.
Joe Mug was someone that cameinto my life later on in high
school and was someone that wepartied with and had a great
(11:37):
time with, and he was just agreat spirit and was a avid
motorcyclist, raced dirt bikes.
His entire life, growing up,lived with his dad and him and
his dad both bonded over thathobby.
Right, Well, I'm livingessentially on my own at this
(11:58):
point.
I move out of my mom's house,basically December of 2005.
And my house became, or myapartment became, the kind of
the hangout spot.
Well, unfortunately, when yougot 15 people there every night,
(12:20):
sometimes you end up having tosay, hey, dude, there's just too
many people.
Well, one night Joe Mug calledand that's unfortunately kind of
what happened.
He called me and there was like20 people at the apartment at
this time and we'll get intokind of that dynamic here in
(12:42):
just a moment.
But I had unfortunately said,joe, there's just too many
people here, buddy, liketomorrow.
And well, unfortunately Ididn't get that tomorrow.
None of us did so Joe the nextday was on his way to work.
He worked in a machine shop andwas on his dad's motorcycle and
(13:04):
pulled up next to a car at astoplight, about not even a half
mile away from his work, anddecided to race.
This car blew through a redlight and essentially T-boned
another vehicle that was makinga left hand turn the bike.
(13:27):
Obviously he didn't make itpast that point, but that always
kind of stung right, becauseit's like man, you learn life
lessons, man are just sometimesdifficult to learn, and this was
definitely one of them, and itwas don't take people or
(13:48):
relationships for granted,because you never know what can
potentially happen.
And this was one of thosemoments where that's exactly
what happened.
Right, I took his friendshipfor granted and turned him away
and the next day he's not there,and that's just kind of how
(14:09):
life comes.
So, oh, man, this episode sucks.
Oh, I hope.
Sorry, guys, we're gonna.
Man, it's depressing so far andI apologize, I'm feeling
depressed, but I think thesestories are important to get
into because these are some ofthese losses that it's just back
to back to back and they stackup right.
(14:31):
But the next one is man, it'sjust as bad.
It's chip, and let me tell youa little bit about chip.
Chip was a survivor first andforemost.
Chip was diagnosed with a rareform of cancer during middle
school and bravely fought thatcancer for a long time as a kid
(14:59):
and made it out, made it out onthe other side, and you know
this was during junior highschool years.
I didn't know Chip at thispoint.
I wish I did.
We know we went to two separateschools but I became very close
with Chip.
You know, later on Chip was theglue to the group, right, chip
was the funny guy.
He had everybody laughing atall times.
(15:21):
He was the guy that you calledto find out what everybody was
doing, because everybody justkind of went through Chip.
Right, chip was that guy.
Everybody, every friend grouphas that, that person that just
kind of knows what's happeningand that everybody just kind of,
you know, gravitates to.
Well, that's Chip, and Chip wasvery much that person for the
(15:44):
group and Chip was.
I have so many stories to getinto regarding Chip, but, man,
you know, maybe we maybe willdoesn't need an episode to chip
later on, but it just for someof these stories, but they're
phenomenal.
But Chip was a blast.
Chip was a riot.
Chip lived every single daylike it was his last.
(16:06):
I mean, just an incrediblehuman.
But Chip and I, you know, we gottogether.
You know when you're, whenyou're in high school, and you
know, obviously, shortly afterhigh school, and you're partying
all the time and you're workingand you're going to college and
(16:29):
everything just seems great.
And you decide, you know, hey,what a great time to move out of
mom's house, right?
Well, that's kind of whathappened, and it happened quick.
So, you know, after my firstsemester of freshman year I'm at
MCC at this point, or MesaCommunity College decide that
it'd be a wonderful idea to moveout of mom.
So I, you know, find a roommateand Chip and I decide, hey,
(16:53):
let's get this apartmenttogether, two bedroom apartment,
and this is just sign a sixmonth lease, that's it.
So six months, see how thingsgo, and then kind of take it
from there.
Well, this place was the spotto be, unfortunately for me.
But you know, that's kind ofChip was just working at the
(17:15):
time.
I'm in school and workingobviously, and obviously, you
know, don't get me wrong Loveparting and having fun and we
did a lot of that.
But you know there's timesthroughout the week where you
just kind of wish you could justchill right.
Well, there was never a chillmoment.
Like literally every singlenight at the department there
(17:35):
was like 10 to 20 people, noless than 10 people, on any
given night.
I mean guaranteed it was insane, it was nuts, and that went on
for six months and you know.
And then, essentially you know,lifestyle differences started
to collide at that point and youknow we decide that, you know,
after the six months we're goingto, you know different living
(17:58):
arrangements and that's kind ofwhat we did.
But you know from there.
You know, after that six monthswas up, I moved in with with
Kurt into another apartment andthen Chip basically moved back
home with his parents.
But you know, we stillobviously saw each other quite
often.
My new apartment with Kurtwasn't necessarily the hangout
(18:19):
spot every night but wedefinitely had a few friends
over and one of those friendswould would be Chip very often.
But you know, let's kind of getinto, you know what happened.
But oh boy, so Tyler, my buddyTyler, you know we haven't
(18:41):
touched on Tyler yet, but Tylerwas a really big, pivotal person
in my life throughout,throughout my childhood.
And you know, we'll get into,we'll get into some some Tyler
stuff later, but let's focus onChip.
So Tyler moved into this newapartment and Chip was over
there.
It was during the day.
They're outside on the patiosmoking cigarettes and Chip's
(19:09):
not drinking but he's just smoke.
He's just smoking a cigarettein the middle of the day.
This guy's upstairs, you know,evidently blaring, blaring music
and stuff like that.
But this, you know again, thisis like a week after, or maybe
not even two weeks, let's put itat two weeks, not even two
weeks after Tyler moved intothis apartment.
(19:30):
Okay, and this guy upstairscomes downstairs and decides
that he starts to want, he wantsto start talking trash to Chip
and Tyler out of nowhere, forjust randomly I mean literally
randomly and they kind of, youknow, pushed off, ignore it for
a period of time.
But from there, you know, itkind of escalates, right, this
(19:55):
guy walks out to the parking lotand then comes back and then,
you know, essentially starts topick a fight, a verbal argument,
with Chip and Tyler again, andnext thing, you know, he pulls
out a gun and shoots Chip in thechest.
Tyler is is is, luckily you cankind of inside.
At this point he hears thegunshots runs to get his gun
(20:21):
that was in in his, in his room,which was an AR 15, and came
back out onto the patio Didn'tsee the guy, you know, but saw
Chip laying there and chips gotholes.
Oh man, so so chips, chipslaying there and he's and he's
bleeding and he's and, um, youknow they get on the phone with
(20:43):
911 and you know from there kindof what takes place.
Is they should, you know?
They, they show up, please showup, stuff like that.
And they see Tyler with the gunand they, you know, tell them
to push the gun away.
And you know he's, I'm sure,telling them.
You know that Chip's dying andstuff like that.
(21:04):
And they asked who the otherguy was.
And Tyler was like what are youtalking about?
Well, come to find out.
After Chip, after they, youknow, this guy shot Chip, chip
in the chest, he turned the gunon himself and then shot himself
in the head.
So you know, murder, suicide,random act of violence.
There's some speculation thathappened afterwards, that or I
(21:26):
don't know if it's, if it'snecessarily speculation, but I
don't know for certain if someof these things are 100% the
truth, but these are.
This is kind of you know what Iknow and what I've been told
and I think I'm right.
But this guy lost his job thatmorning and had already was high
(21:47):
on on methamphetamine and wasalready, you know, kind of
planning on ending his life andunfortunately during that time
period he decided to take Chipwith him.
So that's kind of that's whattook place.
There was a significant impactin my life and what happened
from there was, you know, itchanged the group dynamic
(22:10):
significantly.
Not only were we, you know,drinking all the time and
smoking you know a bunch of weed, as usual, but everybody
started this.
You know experiment and dabbleand other things.
You know cocaine, opiates,pills, painkillers, you know
(22:32):
volume, you know a bunch ofthings, and so it really kind of
changed.
And one of the things that youknow Chip always stood up for
during his life because, youknow again, he fought cancer.
During that time period he wason a morphine drip to control
the pain and became, as a child,you know, severely addicted to
(22:55):
morphine and one of the thingsthat he was very much against
was painkillers and, you know,experimenting with, you know,
cocaine and those sorts ofthings.
Well, after Chip passed, that'skind of what took place
Everybody.
Well, that was no longer therule or the standard, I guess
right.
So that's kind of where we wentfrom there.
Let's get into the relationshipwith Caitlin now and let's start
(23:19):
off with first, of course, withhow we met, kind of a funny
story.
I think it's pretty comical.
I don't know what you guys aregoing to think, but let's just.
Let's just get into it.
Okay, so we're at Anthony'shouse.
Okay, anthony is part of thefriend group, everybody.
(23:40):
You know, kind of during thistime period this was, you know,
senior year in high school waswas going over there to hang out
right All the time, and Anthonywould have these parties and,
you know, random people wouldcome in this night, you know
Caitlin was there.
Well, first and foremost, youknow, I'm in the kitchen with
(24:02):
Joe, not, not, not Joe Morgan,unfortunately a different Joe,
but I'm in the kitchen with Joe,we're taking shots and Joe's
Joe is a, at this point in time,severe, severe alcoholic, let's
just put it that way, even atthis age, right?
(24:22):
And so Joe's taking these shotsback to back to back.
I'm trying to match him.
Of course I don't last.
Next thing, you know I'mrunning out back on the side of
the house and I'm and I'mvomiting.
You know we're I'm 10, 15minutes into being at this party
and I'm already out backthrowing up.
(24:43):
Okay, well, on the way backaround the corner back into the
house, I ran into Caitlin andyou know, basically went up to
her.
She caught my eye and I said,hey, I just puked, you want to
go do some shots?
And she said, and she said,okay, and so that's kind of what
(25:07):
.
What happened?
And next thing, you know we'reinside the house and we're
taking a shot and you know,things just kind of went from
there.
But, oh man, caitlin was, youknow, we dated for, oh man, how
long, how long, like three and ahalf years, a small period of
time in there where we were nottogether, but total, yeah, it
(25:31):
was about three and a half,about three and a half years,
and it started in senior year inhigh school, again, during
those winter months.
And, oh man, and you know, highschool sweetheart was madly in
love with Caitlin, thought wewere going to be together for
the rest of our lives.
You know that sort of thing.
(25:51):
And you know, to this dayCaitlin and I are still friends.
She's amazing, she's still aninstrumental person in my life,
even though it's more of justacquaintances.
I haven't seen her in a longtime.
Last time I saw her was in acourtroom and we'll get into
that here in just a second.
But you know, we still talkrandomly and create person, just
(26:16):
a phenomenal, phenomenal personand in a great friend right.
But you know, caitlin and I wewere madly in love and there was
a period of time where, youknow, I was not necessarily, you
know, the best boyfriend and Imean that by not that I was, you
(26:38):
know, being unfaithful oranything like that but I was not
necessarily there right,mentally, right.
I was.
During this time period I wasdoing my disease has started to
progress, I was starting to, youknow, do pills randomly and I
(26:59):
wasn't necessarily thereemotionally for Caitlin and it
was during this period of timethat she started to become
interested in one of the friendsright, a guy named Corey
Different Corey than wementioned last episode that was
Corey's female.
Anyways, long story long,corey's a male, obviously.
(27:24):
So she starts to becomeinterested in Corey and starts
to have eyes for Corey and againI just wasn't there, I didn't,
I wasn't seeing that.
You know I was starting to loseher and unfortunately I did.
And it I started to notice that, you know, she was spending
(27:46):
more time with him.
There was a concert out inCalifornia rock the bells that
everybody went to, that I wassupposed to go to but had given
my ticket away and, for whateverreason at the time, was not
able to attend.
So they all went out there andit was at this concert that
(28:09):
Caitlin and Corey had developedthis bond and from there just
started to progress.
And next thing, you know,they're together and I'm just
absolutely devastated at thispoint.
Right, can't blame her.
I mean, I was not the idealcandidate at the time.
To be honest with you Now tosay that what happened was right
(28:30):
no, of course not.
I mean I think everybody canagree with that.
Right, but we're not going tosit here and bag on someone for
mistakes that that took place atthe age of 20 and 18, 19, right
, like that's not fair.
I think everybody kind of makesmistakes at that age and
unfortunately, this is kind ofsomething that happened.
But you know, what took place is, you know, even kind of worse
(28:56):
was Caitlin had moved into thishouse with a few of the friends
and this now, this new house nowbecame like the hangout spot,
right, well, I don't want to goover there.
I mean, I do, but I don't right, because if I go over there, I
got to see Caitlin and Coreytogether and I don't want to see
that.
And so, you know, this dividestarts to take place within the
(29:20):
friend group.
You know, and it's unfortunate,but you know it was very
difficult for me to deal with atthe time.
Friendship started to fade andit was kind of became clear at
that moment you know who wastruly a friend and who wasn't
and who was going to have, youknow, my back and still kind of
come around and see me and, youknow, do other things besides,
(29:43):
hang out at this house, andthere wasn't many.
And then, and that became, youknow, very clear, right, well,
I'm living in this apartment nowwith a new roommate, a coworker
, who was a coworker thatdeveloped into a really good
friend guy named Wade, and I'mabout to turn 21 at this point.
(30:04):
Well, we all go out tocelebrate my 21st birthday and I
come back and hanging on thedoor is this little love note
from Caitlin saying you know,basically, you know, I hope you
enjoy your 21st birthday and youknow all that sort of stuff,
and you know.
(30:25):
So what did I do?
I called her up and was likewhat's happening?
And next thing, you know, we'retalking again and she's no
longer with Corey.
I don't necessarily know whathappened there, as to why they
they kind of stopped, but youknow, she, she wanted to get
back together with me and I tookher back and I and I accepted
(30:45):
her back, and that lasted onlyfor a few months until it became
clear again that, you know, herand Corey were doing things you
know, on the.
It just kind of was starting todevelop again, let's just put
it that way, right, and theseparation just finally ended or
finally took place.
(31:07):
And it was at this moment it's2008, at this point, basically
summer of 2008 or just beforesummer, and I had made the
decision to kind of try and runaway from some of this stuff,
right, and start somewhere fresh.
And what better place thanTucson, arizona, for to go to
(31:27):
college, down at U of A and 115miles away from from Phoenix,
and not necessarily too far, butyou know what I thought was
going to be far enough, but notnecessarily the case.
You can't necessarily run fromproblems like that, but that's
what I tried to do.
So I'm now, you know, at thispoint, down in in Tucson, living
(31:49):
by myself, going to school at Uof A, and I'm drinking
constantly, doing pills to kindof, you know, deal with, you
know, some of the mental healthstuff, but more so, it was also
during this period of time thatI for the first time decided to
seek out some sort of help totry to figure out what was going
(32:13):
on inside, because, you know,unfortunately, I was starting to
develop these really negativethoughts and, you know,
self-worth was not there and Ididn't necessarily see a future
going forward and I'm, you know,21, 22, heartbroken, you know
that sort of thing.
So I seek out, I seek out apsychiatrist, and this was the
(32:36):
first time that I was diagnosedwith any sort of mental health
disorder, and what came back was, you know, depression and also
manic bipolar, and I don't knowif I was honestly, you know,
correctly diagnosed at that timebecause, again, I was also
(32:58):
utilizing a lot of differentsubstances and was very up and
down because of that.
So the bipolar, I don't thinknecessarily stuck around, but I
don't know.
I mean, who knows, right, Idon't.
When I, let's tell, when I talkto people about my mental
health, I definitely recognizethat the depression that is
absolutely there and definitelysomething that I still deal with
(33:18):
to this to this, to this day.
But at that moment in time I hada very different mindset on
psych, you know psychiatry andpsychiatric medicine and the
medicines associated with mentalhealth and do and taking them.
To be honest, they felt like itwas.
I was a, it was degradingmyself and again looking back on
(33:41):
some of the influence thatgrandpa had on me, you know,
telling me that you know,brandon, the one thing that you
can control is your thoughts.
During this time period I hadfelt zero control over my
thoughts.
I had very harmful thoughts tomyself and it was at this moment
that, you know, I gave in anddecided, hey, you know, maybe I
(34:02):
do need some medication, let'sgive it a shot.
So I start taking someantidepressants and some other
things, but I noticed that withthese bipolar medications I was
becoming very emotionless andnot able to necessarily feel
different things.
And I was, my mood was notchanging as far as happy or sad,
(34:26):
it was just very.
I was just kind of absent.
I felt very absent mentally.
So I stopped the bipolarmedication and then took you
know, it continued on with the,the depression, or the, the, the
antidepressants.
But this was kind of that firstperiod of time during this
(34:49):
breakup that some of thosemental health issues started to
come to light.
Right, all of this baggage thatwas was being held back for
several years during high schooland you know, during the loss
of these, these friends and mygrandpa and you know, just all
of this stuff is just coming tolight and I'm having this, this
(35:09):
breakdown of sorts.
But you know, I wouldn'tnecessarily say we make it
through, but more so, this wasthe, the beginning of you know,
some severe addiction issueswhich you know we're about to
just go ahead and jump into herein just a second.
Okay, let's kind of close thistopic off by saying you know,
(35:34):
caitlin and I today we're stillagain, we're great friends.
She played a very pivotal roleduring some of the legal issues
that I had in my life.
Caitlin today is a criminaldefense attorney, believe it,
and it's a she she man.
(35:56):
And every time that I had tostep in front of a judge to get
sentenced, she was there havingmy back.
And for someone who works forthe state to come into the
courthouse and stand in front ofa judge who she has to work in
(36:19):
front of professionally and comein on a personal note to stand
next to a friend and to say thethings that she said, it was
just absolutely incredible.
And not only did she do it once, but she did it twice.
Today I now have my my civilrights reinstated for the most
(36:42):
part everything but my gunrights.
And now, again, I'm only threeyears out of prison, and it
wasn't for because I didanything.
It was because of Caitlin.
Caitlin immediately pushed meto file most motions to to
reinstate these rights, knowinghow, how important they are, and
(37:04):
she went through this all theleg, the the legwork to do so
for me in the background, and itwas just recently that I
finally received notice andpaperwork indicating that I now
have my voting rights back.
I have all of my civil rightsback again, except for my gun
rights, and again, I've nevervoted before.
So I'm excited to finally beable to finally vote for the
(37:27):
first time and feel like myvoice matters.
No gun rights, obviously justyet, but the time will come that
I will be able to apply forthose rights and as long as I
remain a positive role model insociety.
Cross your fingers, hopefully Ican make that happen, and I
(37:47):
know that Caitlin's going to beable to be there to support me
in those efforts.
Lastly, guys, let's get into mynew job, a new career choice,
and the development of, of, ofmy addiction, not necessarily
recognizing it as addiction atthis moment in time, but
(38:09):
definitely recognizing it as theyears start to progress.
But we get into, we get intopharmacy.
We become a pharmacy technicianin 2005, just before moving in
with Chip actually and I startworking as a pharmacy tech and I
and I and I love it I decidethat becoming a pharmacist is
(38:33):
what I want to do with the restof my life and I really take a
strong passion for, for learningabout the different medications
and really what they do.
And, man, it's just it was agreat time.
Unfortunately, it just wasn'tthe right career choice for me,
for several different reasonsand I really, unfortunately,
(38:56):
here, guys, we're going to needto be a little bit vague, right,
it's just the nature of thebeast.
There are some things that I'mcomfortable sharing.
There's some things that wejust can't talk about.
This is going to be.
There's some things involvingthis topic that we just can't
touch on, unfortunately.
But the progression of thedisease was there.
(39:17):
It went from really alcohol andweed on a daily basis for the
most part to really developinginto this pill addiction.
And it started off with, youknow, vicodin and volume.
And the amounts of Vicodin andvolume that I started to consume
were significant.
(39:38):
And it started during the timeperiod that, just before Caitlin
and I had split for the firsttime.
Remember, I was telling youguys, I was kind of absent
during this period as far asemotionally.
I was there physically, butoutside of that, really not else
(39:59):
, not anything else.
This had a very significantpart to play in that we would go
to work, go to school, whateverit may be, but every single
night ended with a, you know, 30to 40 milligrams of Vicodin and
anywhere between 40 to 60milligrams of volume, which is
(40:21):
insane.
But that's what I did and itjust started to develop and
develop and next thing, you know, I have a buddy over at my
apartment who had recentlyexited from the military due to
a an injury, a back injury.
(40:44):
And if anybody knows, duringthis time period during
obviously this was the duringthe Iraqi war the military was
handing out OxyContin likeSkittles.
It was the miracle drug.
Purdue had marketed it that way, as the non-addictive pain
killer that would solveeverybody's problem.
(41:04):
And that's that's what they did.
And I had this buddy over whohad this prescription for
OxyContin.
And I had this other buddy atthe house who said, hey, don't
just swallow that, you shouldsnort it.
And I said, okay, let's do it.
And so next thing, you know,I'm breaking up this OxyContin
(41:26):
pill and we're doing lines ofOxyContin and I fall in love
with this drug.
I mean, who wouldn't?
It was incredible.
And that just became aprogressive thing.
We never, actually believe it,or not swallowed OxyContin ever
(41:47):
throughout the entireprogression of the disease.
It was always something that Iwould break up and snort up my
nose.
But everything had changed andthe risk I was, the risk I was
willing to take to feed thisaddiction became significant.
(42:08):
That's really all I can say onthat, guys.
It's just, it was.
It was a period of time that Iwas making several wrong
decisions and I was masking painwith this addiction, trying
just to survive and make itthrough life without harming
myself, but at the same timeharming myself.
(42:28):
Um, it was it, just it's whathappened.
But after I moved to Tucson Iwas able to keep the oxy cotton
to really only the weekends.
Still, you know, drinking,smoking, weed, taking value at
night, that sort of thing, um,but the oxy cotton was just more
(42:50):
of a, a weekend thing.
But I would drive, I woulddrive to phoenix and and party
with curt on the weekends, um,and then, you know, drive back
down to Tucson Sunday night,monday morning, whatever, and
start the, uh, the week ofschool and and and the, the
Regular bullshit that I wasdoing, which was nothing, um,
(43:14):
really absolutely nothing, uh,but I, I, I noticed that when I
would get back to Tucson Afterdoing, you know, a weekend full
of oxy cotton, um, I would feelmiserable on Monday, um, and so
I started to save a little bitof oxy for Monday morning just
to kind of kick start the weekand notice that that was really
(43:38):
that helped and I wasn't feelingas as bad on Monday mornings.
But Then this began the trend ofokay, well, if I'm feeling
better on Mondays, maybe I justneed to save a little bit for
Tuesdays too, and that'll justkind of get me through the rest
of the week, right?
Well, you know, you get thepoint soon enough.
I needed it every day,otherwise I would go into these.
(44:00):
You know, terrible flu likesymptoms that I didn't
necessarily recognize aswithdrawals at the time but
eventually Definitely started torealize that without it, um,
these withdrawals were becomingmore severe and severe and
severe, right, um.
So it was just something that Idid every day, um, and I needed
(44:24):
it, otherwise I wouldn't beable to to really function.
Uh, but noticing this andnoticing how severe this
addiction started to become,kurt and I decided you know,
let's make a pact, let's juststop together completely.
So we did, um, I thought we did, I, I did and I'm pretty sure
(44:47):
kurt did too for a period oftime.
But you know, it's addiction andno one can really confirm and
you can't really take someone'sword for some of that stuff.
But you know, I went back downto Tucson and kind of hid in my
apartment and went through thesewithdrawals and kurt did the
same up and up in mesa.
But I noticed that at this timeit was becoming too dangerous
(45:08):
for me to continue On this, thiscareer path as a pharmacy
technician.
It was just not going to work,right.
So I quit my job and now I'mgoing to school, no income,
borrowing against student loansto feed this addiction, um.
But you know, that's kind ofhow it went, and it only lasted
(45:29):
a short period of time before Ipicked it right back up.
After, after this pact ofquitting Right, I came back up
to masona weekend and kurt and I, we were, uh, going camping and
in the mood to party.
So we were like, hey, let'sjust pick it up for this, this,
this camping trip, right?
Well, you know, we picked itback up and, sure enough, you
(45:52):
know, come monday I'm picking up, picking up more, and back on
the oxytrain we go.
And this lasts for essentiallythe rest of college.
But in december uh, of 2010 IExcuse me I graduated from from
u of a, with a, a bachelor ofscience degree in nutritional
sciences, dietetics, and a matein a minor in chemistry.
(46:15):
But I also graduated with asevere addiction to oxy cotton
and the only place I had to gowas to move back to mom's house.
And with that, guys, we're goingto wrap up today's episode.
Next episode we're going tocontinue on the conversation
with what, with what happensafter college, now that we're
(46:38):
living back at mom's house andagain working Back in the
pharmacy industry, the troublesthat begin to take place.
Living with mom, uh, you know,are you know anywhere from
hiding a severe addictionAddiction?
Uh, completely emotionally,physically broken, um, and
(47:00):
eventually we find ourselves inrehab.
So these are some of the thingsthat we're going to cover on,
uh, on the next episode.
But again, guys, thank you foreveryone tuning in to the
another episode of of thesuccessful degenerates.
I cannot thank everyone enoughfor all of the support that you
guys just continue to flood,flood me with and and man, I'm
(47:22):
just so grateful.
Thanks again, guys.
Talk to you later.
Degenerates.
What's up everybody?
Welcome back.
It's the successful degenerate.
Hey, my bad guys took a weekoff.
Life got a little bit busy.
We'll get into it here in justa minute.
But let's, you know, start offby reviewing kind of where we
left off last episode.
So last episode we left offwith sharing with you my first
(00:26):
experience with weed and alsogot into a little bit of how my
friend group was starting todevelop.
Also, we also got into theCaitlyn addiction.
So how do we distinguishbetween Caitlyn number one and
Caitlyn number two?
Problem solved, I figured itout.
(00:47):
I know, let's give me a roundof applause, you know I get it.
But hey, caitlyn number one isgoing to be Caitlyn and Caitlyn
number two is going to be Kate.
Okay, well, it's just, it'sdone, settled, problem solved.
But on today's episode, guys,the time period of which this
(01:08):
you know episode takes place isgoing to be between the years of
2004 and 2008.
But we're going to begin with aquick life update the loss of
some key people in my life.
Next, of course, we're going todive into the relationship with
Caitlyn and stay to the end ofthe episode where we start to be
(01:29):
, you know, begin to really getinto, you know, a new career and
how the disease of addictionreally begins to progress within
my life.
But first, quick life update.
Everybody Apologize for missingthe release last week.
You know it can be hard attimes to sit here and dive back
(01:51):
into my own life Right Now.
Not saying that that's anexcuse, right, but there are
certain topics that do hitharder than others.
For me in this episode isdefinitely going to be filled
with some of those moments in mylife.
To be truthful, I have beenprocrastinating, digesting this
episode out, you know, out offear of bringing up some really
(02:14):
difficult emotions.
But it's time to bring thisepisode to life, right, and I'm
prepared to do so.
So that's the life update.
Outside of that, you know, workis going great.
Things are really starting toprogress there.
Family's great, right, you know, looking forward, mom and Rick
(02:35):
are coming back home here in acouple of weeks.
Cannot wait for that, miss them.
So so much.
But hey, then they're going outof town, not even out of town
out of the country, for, youknow, several weeks.
So it's like, hey, you know,come back, spend a little bit of
time and then leave.
Right, the life of retirementcannot wait to get there one day
.
One day it will happen.
(02:57):
But you know, outside of that,megan's working.
She's doing wonderful.
Oh, I do have a new roommate inthe house, megan's friend Lori.
She's staying with me for alittle bit.
It's been such a pleasurehaving her here.
She's been such a wonderfulhelp, as far as you know, with
the dogs and everything, and notto I mean outside of that.
(03:19):
It's just been great to havesomeone to spend time with, like
an, and just chat, right,that's great.
So you know, although everybodyloves living on their own, you
know, in times like these whereyou can step in and really kind
of help someone out, and youknow that's important in your
life and that's important toother people in your life, you
know it's just it's great.
(03:39):
And today, you know I'mgrateful to be in a position
where I can lend a helping handlike that and it's just, it's
wonderful.
But let's get into the episode,guys.
So we're going to begin with.
You know the loss of some key,some key people in my life, and
you know it first started off.
You know, remember we graduatedhigh school back in May of 05.
(04:05):
And about a month later, youknow is essentially when grandpa
passed away.
But, you know, let's begin bytelling you a little bit about
grandpa.
So grandpa was a career AirForceman, traveled the world,
spent 20 plus years in the AirForce where he eventually
(04:27):
brought the family to Luke AirForce Base here in Arizona,
which you know settled thefamily down out in Peoria.
Mom graduated high school outthere and really obviously never
left.
Born and raised here in Arizona, but grandpa was from there.
He went into, he was a salesmanget it right, understand why
(04:52):
where I get the gene from but hesold insurance for a long time.
But more so, he was just agreat man.
Right, there's no better man onthis planet.
In my mind.
He was amazing.
He was amazing.
(05:12):
But throughout my life grandpatook me on numerous, numerous
adventures right, everythingfrom fishing to shooting, to
camping, to learning aboutnature and all that nature has
to offer.
Grandpa also was there toreally instill a lot of values
(05:36):
and morals in my life, and Ithink this is kind of like a
good moment to get into the mostimportant one, right, in my
opinion, and I remember this daylike it was yesterday, like a
super vivid right.
Grandpa and I were at grandpa'shouse.
We're sitting outside and hesits me down and he's like, hey,
(05:56):
let's just chat right, and sowe're talking right.
Well, one of the things thatgrandpa had mentioned in this
conversation and I don'tremember much else from the
conversation, but I do rememberthis, one of the things that he
had mentioned to me is peoplecan control a lot of things in
this world that have an impacton your life.
However, one thing that theycannot control and will never be
(06:21):
able to control is yourthoughts, your mind, and it's
really up to you on how you useyour mind and your thoughts and
what you create internally foryourself.
And that life lesson is stillresonates with me to this day
(06:44):
and I don't think it will everleave.
And it does come up in variousmoments throughout my life that
I remember back on this or Ithink back on this, and I
unfortunately feel like I failbecause of mental health
struggles, feeling like I'm notliving up to my potential, and
(07:07):
that I have zero control over mythoughts throughout my life,
especially in my 20s, especiallywhen you introduce drugs.
And it was difficult because,no matter what, I always thought
back on that and I knew that itwas true, but for me at the
moment in time it didn't ringtrue.
(07:27):
I didn't feel in control ofsome of those things and it was
just a pivotal moment, pivotalconversation that I'll never
forget.
But getting back on topic here,we lost my grandpa again that
month after graduation to ALS.
But let's get into kind of whathappened.
(07:51):
So the night before grandpapassed I called him and I made
plans with him to pick him upthe very next day to go out to
lunch and he seemed in greatspirits.
There was really nothing out ofthe ordinary.
Grandpa was never a complainer,no matter how much pain he was
(08:12):
in or no matter how difficultlife had become.
That just wasn't grandpa.
He always put the face on thatwas strong and able to deal and
defeat this disease.
Well, as we all know, als isunfortunately not defeatable,
(08:37):
but he hung in there for as longas he could and he fought every
step of the way and never gaveup to the point where, as his
muscles, and his legsspecifically, started to
deteriorate, he made theselittle contraptions out of belts
that he would wrap around hislegs and his knees, so that way
(09:00):
he was still able to pull hislegs forward or manipulate his
legs if he needed to.
So that way he didn'tnecessarily need to conform to
life in a wheelchair or someother mobility device.
And it's just amazing watchinghim do that and to have the
willpower to do that.
(09:21):
And he fought tooth and nail tothe very end, as far as not
wanting to end up in thatwheelchair, but of course that's
kind of where it has to goeventually.
Well, it wasn't far along afterthat moment that grandpa passed
away, but he fought right.
But getting back to thatconversation with grandpa, I
(09:44):
made plans to pick him up thevery next day for lunch and
unfortunately I never got tomeet or make that lunch date
with grandpa.
But mom did call the nextmorning crying, essentially, is
kind of what happened.
(10:05):
But she was at the office andshe basically said you and your
brother need to get here quick.
Come pick me up.
We need to get out to grandpa'shouse.
He passed away and we need tosee him before the medics take
him away from the house.
And so we went out there,picked up Andrew and I got in
(10:28):
the car, picked up mom from theoffice and headed out to the
west side to see grandpa.
And when we got there grandpawas in bed where he passed away
in his sleep and I got to seemom say goodbye to him and that
was tough.
And then I got to say I saidbye to him and then the medics
(10:52):
put him on the stretcher andtook him out of the house.
But the impact that this had onmy life was not necessarily
immediate, but definitely, asthe years progressed, this loss
was definitely a huge impact onmy life for multiple reasons.
(11:15):
But after grandpa passed awayit wasn't very long after that
we lost my friend, joe Mug.
Joe Mug was someone that cameinto my life later on in high
school and was someone that wepartied with and had a great
(11:37):
time with, and he was just agreat spirit and was a avid
motorcyclist, raced dirt bikes.
His entire life, growing up,lived with his dad and him and
his dad both bonded over thathobby.
Right, Well, I'm livingessentially on my own at this
(11:58):
point.
I move out of my mom's house,basically December of 2005.
And my house became, or myapartment became, the kind of
the hangout spot.
Well, unfortunately, when yougot 15 people there every night,
(12:20):
sometimes you end up having tosay, hey, dude, there's just too
many people.
Well, one night Joe Mug calledand that's unfortunately kind of
what happened.
He called me and there was like20 people at the apartment at
this time and we'll get intokind of that dynamic here in
(12:42):
just a moment.
But I had unfortunately said,joe, there's just too many
people here, buddy, liketomorrow.
And well, unfortunately Ididn't get that tomorrow.
None of us did so Joe the nextday was on his way to work.
He worked in a machine shop andwas on his dad's motorcycle and
(13:04):
pulled up next to a car at astoplight, about not even a half
mile away from his work, anddecided to race.
This car blew through a redlight and essentially T-boned
another vehicle that was makinga left hand turn the bike.
(13:27):
Obviously he didn't make itpast that point, but that always
kind of stung right, becauseit's like man, you learn life
lessons, man are just sometimesdifficult to learn, and this was
definitely one of them, and itwas don't take people or
(13:48):
relationships for granted,because you never know what can
potentially happen.
And this was one of thosemoments where that's exactly
what happened.
Right, I took his friendshipfor granted and turned him away
and the next day he's not there,and that's just kind of how
(14:09):
life comes.
So, oh, man, this episode sucks.
Oh, I hope.
Sorry, guys, we're gonna.
Man, it's depressing so far andI apologize, I'm feeling
depressed, but I think thesestories are important to get
into because these are some ofthese losses that it's just back
to back to back and they stackup right.
(14:31):
But the next one is man, it'sjust as bad.
It's chip, and let me tell youa little bit about chip.
Chip was a survivor first andforemost.
Chip was diagnosed with a rareform of cancer during middle
school and bravely fought thatcancer for a long time as a kid
(14:59):
and made it out, made it out onthe other side, and you know
this was during junior highschool years.
I didn't know Chip at thispoint.
I wish I did.
We know we went to two separateschools but I became very close
with Chip.
You know, later on Chip was theglue to the group, right, chip
was the funny guy.
He had everybody laughing atall times.
(15:21):
He was the guy that you calledto find out what everybody was
doing, because everybody justkind of went through Chip.
Right, chip was that guy.
Everybody, every friend grouphas that, that person that just
kind of knows what's happeningand that everybody just kind of,
you know, gravitates to.
Well, that's Chip, and Chip wasvery much that person for the
(15:44):
group and Chip was.
I have so many stories to getinto regarding Chip, but, man,
you know, maybe we maybe willdoesn't need an episode to chip
later on, but it just for someof these stories, but they're
phenomenal.
But Chip was a blast.
Chip was a riot.
Chip lived every single daylike it was his last.
(16:06):
I mean, just an incrediblehuman.
But Chip and I, you know, we gottogether.
You know when you're, whenyou're in high school, and you
know, obviously, shortly afterhigh school, and you're partying
all the time and you're workingand you're going to college and
(16:29):
everything just seems great.
And you decide, you know, hey,what a great time to move out of
mom's house, right?
Well, that's kind of whathappened, and it happened quick.
So, you know, after my firstsemester of freshman year I'm at
MCC at this point, or MesaCommunity College decide that
it'd be a wonderful idea to moveout of mom.
So I, you know, find a roommateand Chip and I decide, hey,
(16:53):
let's get this apartmenttogether, two bedroom apartment,
and this is just sign a sixmonth lease, that's it.
So six months, see how thingsgo, and then kind of take it
from there.
Well, this place was the spotto be, unfortunately for me.
But you know, that's kind ofChip was just working at the
(17:15):
time.
I'm in school and workingobviously, and obviously, you
know, don't get me wrong Loveparting and having fun and we
did a lot of that.
But you know there's timesthroughout the week where you
just kind of wish you could justchill right.
Well, there was never a chillmoment.
Like literally every singlenight at the department there
(17:35):
was like 10 to 20 people, noless than 10 people, on any
given night.
I mean guaranteed it was insane, it was nuts, and that went on
for six months and you know.
And then, essentially you know,lifestyle differences started
to collide at that point and youknow we decide that, you know,
after the six months we're goingto, you know different living
(17:58):
arrangements and that's kind ofwhat we did.
But you know from there.
You know, after that six monthswas up, I moved in with with
Kurt into another apartment andthen Chip basically moved back
home with his parents.
But you know, we stillobviously saw each other quite
often.
My new apartment with Kurtwasn't necessarily the hangout
(18:19):
spot every night but wedefinitely had a few friends
over and one of those friendswould would be Chip very often.
But you know, let's kind of getinto, you know what happened.
But oh boy, so Tyler, my buddyTyler, you know we haven't
(18:41):
touched on Tyler yet, but Tylerwas a really big, pivotal person
in my life throughout,throughout my childhood.
And you know, we'll get into,we'll get into some some Tyler
stuff later, but let's focus onChip.
So Tyler moved into this newapartment and Chip was over
there.
It was during the day.
They're outside on the patiosmoking cigarettes and Chip's
(19:09):
not drinking but he's just smoke.
He's just smoking a cigarettein the middle of the day.
This guy's upstairs, you know,evidently blaring, blaring music
and stuff like that.
But this, you know again, thisis like a week after, or maybe
not even two weeks, let's put itat two weeks, not even two
weeks after Tyler moved intothis apartment.
(19:30):
Okay, and this guy upstairscomes downstairs and decides
that he starts to want, he wantsto start talking trash to Chip
and Tyler out of nowhere, forjust randomly I mean literally
randomly and they kind of, youknow, pushed off, ignore it for
a period of time.
But from there, you know, itkind of escalates, right, this
(19:55):
guy walks out to the parking lotand then comes back and then,
you know, essentially starts topick a fight, a verbal argument,
with Chip and Tyler again, andnext thing, you know, he pulls
out a gun and shoots Chip in thechest.
Tyler is is is, luckily you cankind of inside.
At this point he hears thegunshots runs to get his gun
(20:21):
that was in in his, in his room,which was an AR 15, and came
back out onto the patio Didn'tsee the guy, you know, but saw
Chip laying there and chips gotholes.
Oh man, so so chips, chipslaying there and he's and he's
bleeding and he's and, um, youknow they get on the phone with
(20:43):
911 and you know from there kindof what takes place.
Is they should, you know?
They, they show up, please showup, stuff like that.
And they see Tyler with the gunand they, you know, tell them
to push the gun away.
And you know he's, I'm sure,telling them.
You know that Chip's dying andstuff like that.
(21:04):
And they asked who the otherguy was.
And Tyler was like what are youtalking about?
Well, come to find out.
After Chip, after they, youknow, this guy shot Chip, chip
in the chest, he turned the gunon himself and then shot himself
in the head.
So you know, murder, suicide,random act of violence.
There's some speculation thathappened afterwards, that or I
(21:26):
don't know if it's, if it'snecessarily speculation, but I
don't know for certain if someof these things are 100% the
truth, but these are.
This is kind of you know what Iknow and what I've been told
and I think I'm right.
But this guy lost his job thatmorning and had already was high
(21:47):
on on methamphetamine and wasalready, you know, kind of
planning on ending his life andunfortunately during that time
period he decided to take Chipwith him.
So that's kind of that's whattook place.
There was a significant impactin my life and what happened
from there was, you know, itchanged the group dynamic
(22:10):
significantly.
Not only were we, you know,drinking all the time and
smoking you know a bunch of weed, as usual, but everybody
started this.
You know experiment and dabbleand other things.
You know cocaine, opiates,pills, painkillers, you know
(22:32):
volume, you know a bunch ofthings, and so it really kind of
changed.
And one of the things that youknow Chip always stood up for
during his life because, youknow again, he fought cancer.
During that time period he wason a morphine drip to control
the pain and became, as a child,you know, severely addicted to
(22:55):
morphine and one of the thingsthat he was very much against
was painkillers and, you know,experimenting with, you know,
cocaine and those sorts ofthings.
Well, after Chip passed, that'skind of what took place
Everybody.
Well, that was no longer therule or the standard, I guess
right.
So that's kind of where we wentfrom there.
Let's get into the relationshipwith Caitlin now and let's start
(23:19):
off with first, of course, withhow we met, kind of a funny
story.
I think it's pretty comical.
I don't know what you guys aregoing to think, but let's just.
Let's just get into it.
Okay, so we're at Anthony'shouse.
Okay, anthony is part of thefriend group, everybody.
(23:40):
You know, kind of during thistime period this was, you know,
senior year in high school waswas going over there to hang out
right All the time, and Anthonywould have these parties and,
you know, random people wouldcome in this night, you know
Caitlin was there.
Well, first and foremost, youknow, I'm in the kitchen with
(24:02):
Joe, not, not, not Joe Morgan,unfortunately a different Joe,
but I'm in the kitchen with Joe,we're taking shots and Joe's
Joe is a, at this point in time,severe, severe alcoholic, let's
just put it that way, even atthis age, right?
(24:22):
And so Joe's taking these shotsback to back to back.
I'm trying to match him.
Of course I don't last.
Next thing, you know I'mrunning out back on the side of
the house and I'm and I'mvomiting.
You know we're I'm 10, 15minutes into being at this party
and I'm already out backthrowing up.
(24:43):
Okay, well, on the way backaround the corner back into the
house, I ran into Caitlin andyou know, basically went up to
her.
She caught my eye and I said,hey, I just puked, you want to
go do some shots?
And she said, and she said,okay, and so that's kind of what
(25:07):
.
What happened?
And next thing, you know we'reinside the house and we're
taking a shot and you know,things just kind of went from
there.
But, oh man, caitlin was, youknow, we dated for, oh man, how
long, how long, like three and ahalf years, a small period of
time in there where we were nottogether, but total, yeah, it
(25:31):
was about three and a half,about three and a half years,
and it started in senior year inhigh school, again, during
those winter months.
And, oh man, and you know, highschool sweetheart was madly in
love with Caitlin, thought wewere going to be together for
the rest of our lives.
You know that sort of thing.
(25:51):
And you know, to this dayCaitlin and I are still friends.
She's amazing, she's still aninstrumental person in my life,
even though it's more of justacquaintances.
I haven't seen her in a longtime.
Last time I saw her was in acourtroom and we'll get into
that here in just a second.
But you know, we still talkrandomly and create person, just
(26:16):
a phenomenal, phenomenal personand in a great friend right.
But you know, caitlin and I wewere madly in love and there was
a period of time where, youknow, I was not necessarily, you
know, the best boyfriend and Imean that by not that I was, you
(26:38):
know, being unfaithful oranything like that but I was not
necessarily there right,mentally, right.
I was.
During this time period I wasdoing my disease has started to
progress, I was starting to, youknow, do pills randomly and I
(26:59):
wasn't necessarily thereemotionally for Caitlin and it
was during this period of timethat she started to become
interested in one of the friendsright, a guy named Corey
Different Corey than wementioned last episode that was
Corey's female.
Anyways, long story long,corey's a male, obviously.
(27:24):
So she starts to becomeinterested in Corey and starts
to have eyes for Corey and againI just wasn't there, I didn't,
I wasn't seeing that.
You know I was starting to loseher and unfortunately I did.
And it I started to notice that, you know, she was spending
(27:46):
more time with him.
There was a concert out inCalifornia rock the bells that
everybody went to, that I wassupposed to go to but had given
my ticket away and, for whateverreason at the time, was not
able to attend.
So they all went out there andit was at this concert that
(28:09):
Caitlin and Corey had developedthis bond and from there just
started to progress.
And next thing, you know,they're together and I'm just
absolutely devastated at thispoint.
Right, can't blame her.
I mean, I was not the idealcandidate at the time.
To be honest with you Now tosay that what happened was right
(28:30):
no, of course not.
I mean I think everybody canagree with that.
Right, but we're not going tosit here and bag on someone for
mistakes that that took place atthe age of 20 and 18, 19, right
, like that's not fair.
I think everybody kind of makesmistakes at that age and
unfortunately, this is kind ofsomething that happened.
But you know, what took place is, you know, even kind of worse
(28:56):
was Caitlin had moved into thishouse with a few of the friends
and this now, this new house nowbecame like the hangout spot,
right, well, I don't want to goover there.
I mean, I do, but I don't right, because if I go over there, I
got to see Caitlin and Coreytogether and I don't want to see
that.
And so, you know, this dividestarts to take place within the
(29:20):
friend group.
You know, and it's unfortunate,but you know it was very
difficult for me to deal with atthe time.
Friendship started to fade andit was kind of became clear at
that moment you know who wastruly a friend and who wasn't
and who was going to have, youknow, my back and still kind of
come around and see me and, youknow, do other things besides,
(29:43):
hang out at this house, andthere wasn't many.
And then, and that became, youknow, very clear, right, well,
I'm living in this apartment nowwith a new roommate, a coworker
, who was a coworker thatdeveloped into a really good
friend guy named Wade, and I'mabout to turn 21 at this point.
(30:04):
Well, we all go out tocelebrate my 21st birthday and I
come back and hanging on thedoor is this little love note
from Caitlin saying you know,basically, you know, I hope you
enjoy your 21st birthday and youknow all that sort of stuff,
and you know.
(30:25):
So what did I do?
I called her up and was likewhat's happening?
And next thing, you know, we'retalking again and she's no
longer with Corey.
I don't necessarily know whathappened there, as to why they
they kind of stopped, but youknow, she, she wanted to get
back together with me and I tookher back and I and I accepted
(30:45):
her back, and that lasted onlyfor a few months until it became
clear again that, you know, herand Corey were doing things you
know, on the.
It just kind of was starting todevelop again, let's just put
it that way, right, and theseparation just finally ended or
finally took place.
(31:07):
And it was at this moment it's2008, at this point, basically
summer of 2008 or just beforesummer, and I had made the
decision to kind of try and runaway from some of this stuff,
right, and start somewhere fresh.
And what better place thanTucson, arizona, for to go to
(31:27):
college, down at U of A and 115miles away from from Phoenix,
and not necessarily too far, butyou know what I thought was
going to be far enough, but notnecessarily the case.
You can't necessarily run fromproblems like that, but that's
what I tried to do.
So I'm now, you know, at thispoint, down in in Tucson, living
(31:49):
by myself, going to school at Uof A, and I'm drinking
constantly, doing pills to kindof, you know, deal with, you
know, some of the mental healthstuff, but more so, it was also
during this period of time thatI for the first time decided to
seek out some sort of help totry to figure out what was going
(32:13):
on inside, because, you know,unfortunately, I was starting to
develop these really negativethoughts and, you know,
self-worth was not there and Ididn't necessarily see a future
going forward and I'm, you know,21, 22, heartbroken, you know
that sort of thing.
So I seek out, I seek out apsychiatrist, and this was the
(32:36):
first time that I was diagnosedwith any sort of mental health
disorder, and what came back was, you know, depression and also
manic bipolar, and I don't knowif I was honestly, you know,
correctly diagnosed at that timebecause, again, I was also
(32:58):
utilizing a lot of differentsubstances and was very up and
down because of that.
So the bipolar, I don't thinknecessarily stuck around, but I
don't know.
I mean, who knows, right, Idon't.
When I, let's tell, when I talkto people about my mental
health, I definitely recognizethat the depression that is
absolutely there and definitelysomething that I still deal with
(33:18):
to this to this, to this day.
But at that moment in time I hada very different mindset on
psych, you know psychiatry andpsychiatric medicine and the
medicines associated with mentalhealth and do and taking them.
To be honest, they felt like itwas.
I was a, it was degradingmyself and again looking back on
(33:41):
some of the influence thatgrandpa had on me, you know,
telling me that you know,brandon, the one thing that you
can control is your thoughts.
During this time period I hadfelt zero control over my
thoughts.
I had very harmful thoughts tomyself and it was at this moment
that, you know, I gave in anddecided, hey, you know, maybe I
(34:02):
do need some medication, let'sgive it a shot.
So I start taking someantidepressants and some other
things, but I noticed that withthese bipolar medications I was
becoming very emotionless andnot able to necessarily feel
different things.
And I was, my mood was notchanging as far as happy or sad,
(34:26):
it was just very.
I was just kind of absent.
I felt very absent mentally.
So I stopped the bipolarmedication and then took you
know, it continued on with the,the depression, or the, the, the
antidepressants.
But this was kind of that firstperiod of time during this
(34:49):
breakup that some of thosemental health issues started to
come to light.
Right, all of this baggage thatwas was being held back for
several years during high schooland you know, during the loss
of these, these friends and mygrandpa and you know, just all
of this stuff is just coming tolight and I'm having this, this
(35:09):
breakdown of sorts.
But you know, I wouldn'tnecessarily say we make it
through, but more so, this wasthe, the beginning of you know,
some severe addiction issueswhich you know we're about to
just go ahead and jump into herein just a second.
Okay, let's kind of close thistopic off by saying you know,
(35:34):
caitlin and I today we're stillagain, we're great friends.
She played a very pivotal roleduring some of the legal issues
that I had in my life.
Caitlin today is a criminaldefense attorney, believe it,
and it's a she she man.
(35:56):
And every time that I had tostep in front of a judge to get
sentenced, she was there havingmy back.
And for someone who works forthe state to come into the
courthouse and stand in front ofa judge who she has to work in
(36:19):
front of professionally and comein on a personal note to stand
next to a friend and to say thethings that she said, it was
just absolutely incredible.
And not only did she do it once, but she did it twice.
Today I now have my my civilrights reinstated for the most
(36:42):
part everything but my gunrights.
And now, again, I'm only threeyears out of prison, and it
wasn't for because I didanything.
It was because of Caitlin.
Caitlin immediately pushed meto file most motions to to
reinstate these rights, knowinghow, how important they are, and
(37:04):
she went through this all theleg, the the legwork to do so
for me in the background, and itwas just recently that I
finally received notice andpaperwork indicating that I now
have my voting rights back.
I have all of my civil rightsback again, except for my gun
rights, and again, I've nevervoted before.
So I'm excited to finally beable to finally vote for the
(37:27):
first time and feel like myvoice matters.
No gun rights, obviously justyet, but the time will come that
I will be able to apply forthose rights and as long as I
remain a positive role model insociety.
Cross your fingers, hopefully Ican make that happen, and I
(37:47):
know that Caitlin's going to beable to be there to support me
in those efforts.
Lastly, guys, let's get into mynew job, a new career choice,
and the development of, of, ofmy addiction, not necessarily
recognizing it as addiction atthis moment in time, but
(38:09):
definitely recognizing it as theyears start to progress.
But we get into, we get intopharmacy.
We become a pharmacy technicianin 2005, just before moving in
with Chip actually and I startworking as a pharmacy tech and I
and I and I love it I decidethat becoming a pharmacist is
(38:33):
what I want to do with the restof my life and I really take a
strong passion for, for learningabout the different medications
and really what they do.
And, man, it's just it was agreat time.
Unfortunately, it just wasn'tthe right career choice for me,
for several different reasonsand I really, unfortunately,
(38:56):
here, guys, we're going to needto be a little bit vague, right,
it's just the nature of thebeast.
There are some things that I'mcomfortable sharing.
There's some things that wejust can't talk about.
This is going to be.
There's some things involvingthis topic that we just can't
touch on, unfortunately.
But the progression of thedisease was there.
(39:17):
It went from really alcohol andweed on a daily basis for the
most part to really developinginto this pill addiction.
And it started off with, youknow, vicodin and volume.
And the amounts of Vicodin andvolume that I started to consume
were significant.
(39:38):
And it started during the timeperiod that, just before Caitlin
and I had split for the firsttime.
Remember, I was telling youguys, I was kind of absent
during this period as far asemotionally.
I was there physically, butoutside of that, really not else
(39:59):
, not anything else.
This had a very significantpart to play in that we would go
to work, go to school, whateverit may be, but every single
night ended with a, you know, 30to 40 milligrams of Vicodin and
anywhere between 40 to 60milligrams of volume, which is
(40:21):
insane.
But that's what I did and itjust started to develop and
develop and next thing, you know, I have a buddy over at my
apartment who had recentlyexited from the military due to
a an injury, a back injury.
(40:44):
And if anybody knows, duringthis time period during
obviously this was the duringthe Iraqi war the military was
handing out OxyContin likeSkittles.
It was the miracle drug.
Purdue had marketed it that way, as the non-addictive pain
killer that would solveeverybody's problem.
(41:04):
And that's that's what they did.
And I had this buddy over whohad this prescription for
OxyContin.
And I had this other buddy atthe house who said, hey, don't
just swallow that, you shouldsnort it.
And I said, okay, let's do it.
And so next thing, you know,I'm breaking up this OxyContin
(41:26):
pill and we're doing lines ofOxyContin and I fall in love
with this drug.
I mean, who wouldn't?
It was incredible.
And that just became aprogressive thing.
We never, actually believe it,or not swallowed OxyContin ever
(41:47):
throughout the entireprogression of the disease.
It was always something that Iwould break up and snort up my
nose.
But everything had changed andthe risk I was, the risk I was
willing to take to feed thisaddiction became significant.
(42:08):
That's really all I can say onthat, guys.
It's just, it was.
It was a period of time that Iwas making several wrong
decisions and I was masking painwith this addiction, trying
just to survive and make itthrough life without harming
myself, but at the same timeharming myself.
(42:28):
Um, it was it, just it's whathappened.
But after I moved to Tucson Iwas able to keep the oxy cotton
to really only the weekends.
Still, you know, drinking,smoking, weed, taking value at
night, that sort of thing, um,but the oxy cotton was just more
(42:50):
of a, a weekend thing.
But I would drive, I woulddrive to phoenix and and party
with curt on the weekends, um,and then, you know, drive back
down to Tucson Sunday night,monday morning, whatever, and
start the, uh, the week ofschool and and and the, the
Regular bullshit that I wasdoing, which was nothing, um,
(43:14):
really absolutely nothing, uh,but I, I, I noticed that when I
would get back to Tucson Afterdoing, you know, a weekend full
of oxy cotton, um, I would feelmiserable on Monday, um, and so
I started to save a little bitof oxy for Monday morning just
to kind of kick start the weekand notice that that was really
(43:38):
that helped and I wasn't feelingas as bad on Monday mornings.
But Then this began the trend ofokay, well, if I'm feeling
better on Mondays, maybe I justneed to save a little bit for
Tuesdays too, and that'll justkind of get me through the rest
of the week, right?
Well, you know, you get thepoint soon enough.
I needed it every day,otherwise I would go into these.
(44:00):
You know, terrible flu likesymptoms that I didn't
necessarily recognize aswithdrawals at the time but
eventually Definitely started torealize that without it, um,
these withdrawals were becomingmore severe and severe and
severe, right, um.
So it was just something that Idid every day, um, and I needed
(44:24):
it, otherwise I wouldn't beable to to really function.
Uh, but noticing this andnoticing how severe this
addiction started to become,kurt and I decided you know,
let's make a pact, let's juststop together completely.
So we did, um, I thought we did, I, I did and I'm pretty sure
(44:47):
kurt did too for a period oftime.
But you know, it's addiction andno one can really confirm and
you can't really take someone'sword for some of that stuff.
But you know, I went back downto Tucson and kind of hid in my
apartment and went through thesewithdrawals and kurt did the
same up and up in mesa.
But I noticed that at this timeit was becoming too dangerous
(45:08):
for me to continue On this, thiscareer path as a pharmacy
technician.
It was just not going to work,right.
So I quit my job and now I'mgoing to school, no income,
borrowing against student loansto feed this addiction, um.
But you know, that's kind ofhow it went, and it only lasted
(45:29):
a short period of time before Ipicked it right back up.
After, after this pact ofquitting Right, I came back up
to masona weekend and kurt and I, we were, uh, going camping and
in the mood to party.
So we were like, hey, let'sjust pick it up for this, this,
this camping trip, right?
Well, you know, we picked itback up and, sure enough, you
(45:52):
know, come monday I'm picking up, picking up more, and back on
the oxytrain we go.
And this lasts for essentiallythe rest of college.
But in december uh, of 2010 IExcuse me I graduated from from
u of a, with a, a bachelor ofscience degree in nutritional
sciences, dietetics, and a matein a minor in chemistry.
(46:15):
But I also graduated with asevere addiction to oxy cotton
and the only place I had to gowas to move back to mom's house.
And with that, guys, we're goingto wrap up today's episode.
Next episode we're going tocontinue on the conversation
with what, with what happensafter college, now that we're
(46:38):
living back at mom's house andagain working Back in the
pharmacy industry, the troublesthat begin to take place.
Living with mom, uh, you know,are you know anywhere from
hiding a severe addictionAddiction?
Uh, completely emotionally,physically broken, um, and
(47:00):
eventually we find ourselves inrehab.
So these are some of the thingsthat we're going to cover on,
uh, on the next episode.
But again, guys, thank you foreveryone tuning in to the
another episode of of thesuccessful degenerates.
I cannot thank everyone enoughfor all of the support that you
guys just continue to flood,flood me with and and man, I'm
(47:22):
just so grateful.
Thanks again, guys.
Talk to you later.
Degenerates.
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