September 14, 2023 • 24 mins
In this episode, Dr Peter Blundell interviews Dianne Sotomey.
Dianne Sotomey is the bestselling author of her new book “Check Your Thoughts! Your Life Depends on It”! - How your thoughts shape your everyday life and who you become. She is also a UKCP-registered psychotherapist, clinical supervisor and trainer. In addition to that, Dianne coaches women in leadership to overcome limiting beliefs and self-doubt. Her expertise in mental health and well-being extends beyond her 1:1 work, as she also delivers talks on various related topics and training to foster parents and social workers across the UK. Dianne is a visiting tutor at the TA East Institute for Psychotherapy and Counselling and currently resides in the tranquil countryside of Suffolk, England.
Dianne's Details
Instagram @diannesotomey
TikTok: diannesotomey
Website: diannesotomey.com
Peter's Details
Website: www.peterblundell.com
Social Media: @drpeterblundell
#TherapistsConnect is a platform for connecting therapists.
Website: www.Therapists-Connect.com
Twitter: @Therapists_C
Instagram: @TherapistsConnect
Facebook: @TherConnect
Origins of #TherapistsConnect
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Peter Blundell (00:01):
Hello and welcome to another episode of
the Therapist Connect Podcast.
My name is Dr. Peter Blundell.
And today we're interviewingDiane Sotomey. Diane is the best
selling author of her new book,Check Your Thoughts, Your Life
Depends On It, about how yourthoughts shape your everyday
life and who you become. She'salso a UKCP registered
psychotherapist, clinicalsupervisor and trainer. In
(00:23):
addition to that she coacheswomen in leadership, overcoming
limiting beliefs and self doubt.
Her expertise in mental healthand well being extends beyond
her one to one work, as she alsodelivers talks on various
related topics and training tofoster parents and social
workers across the UK. Diane isa visiting tutor at the TA East
Institute for Psychotherapy andCounseling, and currently
(00:44):
resides in the tranquilcountryside of Suffolk, England.
If you enjoyed this episode ofThe Therapist Connect podcast,
please go to your favoritepodcast platform and leave us a
review. So Diane, thank you somuch for coming on the Therapist
Connect podcast. It's lovely tomeet you and to chat a little
(01:06):
bit about your your life andyour work.
Dianne Sotomey (01:11):
Hi, Peter, good to finally meet you.
Peter Blundell (01:15):
Yeah, no, it's great to meet you too. And it
was so nice for you to reachout.
Dianne Sotomey (01:21):
And I'm grateful for you having me on. So
grateful.
Peter Blundell (01:26):
Absolutely. I'm sure all our listeners will love
hearing your story and hearing abit more about you. So be
really, really exciting. Couldyou tell our listeners, how did
you come to be a therapist inthe first place? What drew you
into this profession?
Dianne Sotomey (01:43):
Yeah, so I never ever thought about wanting to
become a therapist, it wasn'tsomething that was part of my
career plan. But um, I workedwith traumatized children for 14
years as a foster parent. Andwhilst I was working with them,
I realized that a lot of thebehaviors that they were
(02:07):
exhibiting were quite extreme.
And I quickly came to theconclusion that my traditional
parenting and how I understoodthe everyday parenting was not
going to be enough, I needed alittle bit more. And so
realizing that plus also seeingthe limits, that the behaviors
(02:28):
were placing on them, made mebecome very curious, in wanting
to understand trauma, and therole that it plays in the lives
of others, especially youngchildren. So that was what led
me into going to the MetanoiaInstitute, to train to become a
psychotherapist. And, yeah, Istumbled into it, but I'm so
(02:53):
grateful that I did.
Peter Blundell (02:56):
That's really interesting. So I`m a therapist,
I'm also a social worker. SoI've worked with lots of foster
carers in the past and kind ofhow much hard work it is and how
much care that people put intointo doing that role. And one of
the things I was thinking aboutwhen you were talking then is
actually how, well they do gettraining, but obviously, a
(03:19):
little training in terms of likemental health and understanding
children's behavior and, andthings like that. So I can
resonate with me kind of viewkind of doing the role of and
kind of going hold on that maybethere's more knowledge or
understanding that I need to beable to do this.
Dianne Sotomey (03:34):
Yes, because you're sort of trained on how to
work with them therapeutically.
But if you don't have apsychotherapeutic background,
it's a lot to grasp, especiallyif you've had a childhood where,
you know what, that wasn't verytherapeutic in that way. You
(03:55):
were sort of told, you were,just did as you were told, and
you didn't argue back. And soyour expect at least I was like
sort of expecting that what Iwas teaching, they would lap it
up. So naive. They were justsort of, I think I just had my
(04:16):
own naive expectations of what Ithought it was going to be
because I had lived quite aprivileged lifestyle and lived
in a bit of a bubble. So youjust don't know what you don't
know. But I knew I had a lot tooffer. You know, so it was a big
awakening and a big shock. AndI'm so grateful because each
(04:36):
each one of those childrentaught me so much and really
made me understand so much moreabout life. You know, so I was
meant to be helping them that Ifelt like they taught me so
much.
Peter Blundell (04:53):
That's the way I'm always thinking when you
talk and it's it's like quiteoften we parent how we've been
parented. Yes, because that's,that's that's the kind of
unnatural way, isn't it to kindof think like that. And but when
you're foster carer, andobviously, children and young
people come from so manydifferent backgrounds, and
experiences that actually havingthat kind of therapy, that idea
of therapeutic approach or, ordifferent styles and ways of
(05:16):
working with different childrenand young people is really
important. And it's almostsomething that you can't like
you were saying there, you mighthave been taught it in a class,
but actually, you really need toknow it.
Dianne Sotomey (05:30):
Yeah, that's it.
Because as you're being taughtin the class, you're thinking,
Well, you don't know what it'slike living with this child. Do
you know what how they push mybuttons? You know, and so I knew
because they trigger your ownunmet needs.
You know, and,and I knew that I knew I wanted
Peter Blundell (05:43):
Yeah.
to do a great job. And I knew inorder to do that, I needed to
find another way. And yeah,psychotherapy really helped me
in really understanding what wasgoing on for them at a much
deeper level than just what Iwas being taught every three or
(06:07):
four months.
Yeah. Can youtell us a little bit about your
career so far? Then how did thathow did that work out once you
were trained and qualified?
Dianne Sotomey (06:15):
Yes. So I did. I was a foster parent for a long
time. But then I also I've beenrunning my private practice side
by side. But then, whilst I wasworking as a psychotherapist, I
also became a trainer. So I,what after I did my PTSDA, which
(06:40):
is, I'm a TA, psychotherapist.
So PTSDA is anotherqualification that allows you to
be able to train. And so after Idid that, I decided to put
trainings together for localauthorities, and for fostering
organizations to really helpthem work therapeutically and
(07:02):
understand the behaviors that alot of the children were
exhibiting, and just to know howto work with that, because I
felt like I didn't only have theknowledge, but I also had the
experience. So working in thatway, was really useful for a lot
of the foster parents becausethey felt understood. And so I
do, I still do that. And I alsotrained a bit at the Metanoia
(07:27):
Institute, and also work as thevisiting tutor at the TA East
Institute. So I do a lot oftraining. And recently, I've
become a best selling author.
Peter Blundell (07:43):
Congratulations.
Dianne Sotomey (07:44):
Thank you. Yeah, I'm really excited about that.
And as a result of that, I'm nowdoing a lot of speaking, and a
lot of coaching as well. So it'ssort of it feels like slightly
different. But it's all I see itall. It's still part of my
psychotherapy, because it's justdifferent branches off my
(08:05):
psychotherapy, but then yeah, sothat's sort of how, and there's
loads of other things I do inbetween, but this is the bulk of
what I do.
Peter Blundell (08:13):
That's exciting.
Congratulations on the book. Canyou tell our listeners a little
bit about how the book cameabout, then what led you to
write it?
Dianne Sotomey (08:22):
Okay, so just like psychotherapy, I had never
ever thought of writing a book.
But I remember I was on a walkone day, and I live in the
countryside. So I'm surroundedby loads of farms. And as I was
walking, I saw one side of theroad where there was a farm with
meticulous planted rows of corn,and it looked so beautiful. And
(08:43):
the other side was an unkemptland with bushes and everything,
a medley of plants. And so Icouldn't, it was just something
I had seen. And I had seen themso many times. But on this
particular day, I couldn't getwhat I had seen out of my mind,
and it wasn't anythingextraordinary. But I was struck
(09:04):
by it. And I realized the reasonit struck me was because the the
the other side of the land thatlooked so meticulous was to do
with the part of me that seemedso put together and you know,
flawless. And the other sidethat was so unkempt was just how
(09:26):
I was feeling internally.
Because I was going through adivorce at the time. And I just
felt so out of control on somany different levels
emotionally. However, I lookedso together and that made me
want to understand therelationship between my thoughts
(09:46):
and my body. Because I realizedthat if only my mind could look
like that those rows of cornwith the thoughts I was
planting, I feel so much better.
So I started doing all thisresearch and I was really
enjoying everything I waslearning. And that really
inspired me. And as I put itinto practice, I started to see
so many changes in my life. AndI had gone from going to bed
(10:11):
thinking the same thoughts,experiencing the same feelings,
but looking for a differentoutcome, to actually being able
to go to bed, thinking positivethoughts, and waking up feeling
alive and excited and wanting todo something different, but it
was a process. But it meant mehaving to be deliberate and
(10:32):
intentional. And as apsychotherapist, I do understand
the relationship between themind and body. But what I hadn't
done was I had never figured outhow to put that into practice on
a daily basis. So I had a lot ofknowledge, but I wasn't applying
it. And it wasn't until Istarted to apply it, I started
to see, you know what, actually,everything begins with thoughts.
(10:55):
I know that. But it still didn'tregister, that for the first
time, it was beginning toregister. And then I thought, I
bet you there's loads of peopleout there that are just like me,
who have a lot of knowledgeabout thoughts, but don't think
much about it. It's justgeneralized. And at the same
time, lots of clients werecoming to me with similar
(11:18):
problems that I was strugglingwith, and that I had overcome.
And I thought, You know what, Ireally want to put this in a
book, because each time I'dshare it with them, it was like
a light bulb moment would gooff. And I thought I need to do
this. So that was how the ideaof the book came about.
Peter Blundell (11:37):
That's fantastic. Such a vivid image of
those fields and kind of thedifference that really resonates
with me, and I love the idea ofkind of Yeah, we have all this
knowledge and understanding astherapists but then actually the
sometimes the implementation ofit is a very different thing,
isn't it? You know, we can talkabout things and we can, and we
(11:58):
can explore them, but actuallyactually then making changes and
actually adapting and changingthe way we think or act or
interact with people is reallyimportant.
Dianne Sotomey (12:06):
Absolutely.
Because I found it was it whatsort of reinforced everything I
was doing was as a result of thedivorce, my own son had a
breakdown. And then soon afterthat my my mum got diagnosed
with dementia. And these wereall some sort of thoughts
(12:27):
disturbance diagnosis that theyhad both been given. So it just
made me even more interested inunderstanding that and and as
they were both as my son wasgetting better, and I asked him,
so what really helped. Evenbefore him knowing I was writing
the book, he just said, mum,it's my thinking. It's the way I
(12:48):
was thinking. And I thought itseems so simple. But yet, it's
so powerful if we understandjust how much our thoughts
matter. And I think most of usunderstand that, but we don't
think about it. And we have tobe intentional for it to
actually make sense. You know,so I get very excited when I
(13:10):
think about it just because Isee what it's done in my life
and in the lives of those aroundme. So I'm on a bit of a mission
with that.
Peter Blundell (13:23):
So, do you want to say the name of your book?
Because, our listeners will bereally interested in that?
Dianne Sotomey (13:31):
Yes, so the book is called, Check Your Thoughts,
Your Life Depends On It. Andit's all about how our thoughts
shape our lives, and oureveryday how our thoughts shape
our everyday lives.
Peter Blundell (13:47):
I think you've I mean, you've hinted that in
terms of how you've talked aboutthe book, but what are your
hopes for people to get out ofthe book when they when they
read it?
Dianne Sotomey (13:56):
Well, I'm hoping that people will be able to, it
would provoke them. But also, itwould offer a new approach to a
new approach to dealing withsituations in their lives. So
that it's not so much about thesituation changing or the
(14:19):
problem going away. But it'sfinding a way of recognizing how
much in control we are, of howwe want to feel. So that it's
not as because until weunderstand that we can often
feel like we're being done tooor we're in an unfair position
or where some kind of an anomalybecause things are just keep
(14:42):
happening, which is how I feltlike I was an anomaly because he
felt like so many things werewere happening all at once, but
actually understanding that Ihad control in how I thought
about them, and how I how I sawthem, actually and that I had
the power within me to reach fordifferent thoughts, that would
(15:03):
make me feel better. Thatactually was like an eye opener.
But I say it's so simple, butyet it can feel so complicated.
And so I'm hoping that as peopleread the book, they'd actually
come to grips with how muchcontrol and power they have over
their own lives and not to leavetheir lives to chance by
(15:25):
thinking that I don't have anypower and what's happening to
me, because we always do.
Peter Blundell (15:31):
It sounds like a simple idea, but it's maybe a
bit more challenging, is it toput that into practice, you
know, like you were sayingbefore, in doubt, right
intention in terms of how I'mgoing to wake up and how I'm
going to see the world.
Dianne Sotomey (15:43):
And that's it.
Yeah, that's it. So So even inmy, on my website, which is
DianeSotomey.com, I have puttogether some meditative
practice, that helps, which isfree for people to download,
because I think one cannotimplement these things without
some kind of a daily practice.
(16:06):
And so otherwise, it can justbe, oh, let me just fake it till
I make it. That doesn't work.
But it's about really puttingreally cultivating some kind of
daily practice that allows youto reflect, think about make
sense of work through and toreally be intentional about how
you want to see your day, whatdo you need to put in place?
(16:29):
What is it going to take? Soyeah, so put that together to
just It's a 30 day challenge tohelp people really commit to
thinking about what they thinkabout.
Peter Blundell (16:43):
And that's really important there what
you're saying in terms of, it'sno good, is it if we just
pretend everything's okay. Andwe'll just pretend it's all
great. And then and then we'llmove through that. And I think
what you're talking about isactually spending some time,
mindfully thinking about yourlife, what you're putting out
into the world, how you'rereceiving the world, and that
(17:03):
and that type of thing.
Dianne Sotomey (17:04):
That's it.
Absolutely. Yes.
Peter Blundell (17:07):
Brilliant.
Fantastic. That sounds exciting.
I haven't read it yet. But I'mlooking forward to reading it.
And seeing all the insights inthere. So what comes next for
you, then? What is it that youhave got coming up in the
future? Are you writing anotherbook?
Dianne Sotomey (17:24):
Well, I would like to at some point, but this
has only just come out. So Ithink at the moment, I'm just on
this mission to get to schoolsto get to universities, because
I do you feel like a lot ofschools, don't teach children
how to think, you know, and I dofeel there is a way that we can
(17:45):
be taught to think that enablesus to deal with the challenges
that life throws at us, becausethose challenges will never stop
coming. And if you are somebodylike me who believe when bad
things happen in life, it'sbecause you've sinned, or you've
done something terrible. So Godis having a go at you what, it
(18:08):
just compounds the feelings, youknow, and I know I'm not the
only one who has thought likethat before. So having a way and
approach to thinking and dealingwith situations that come up,
can be so freeing. And sopermission giving to an
empowering to think you knowwhat, this is part of life. I am
(18:30):
equipped, I am powerful. I candeal with these things that come
at me. Yes, it's yes, it ispainful. But I also know I have
the strength to overcome. Yes,it is challenging. But I also
know I have wisdom. Do you knowwhat I mean? It's looking at the
opposites at the opposite sideof each coin. Because if one
(18:53):
side of the coin says, if you'reif one side of the coin is not a
full expression of the coin, isthe same one side of a thought
is not the full expression ofthe whole view. So if I feel
down, then I also know I havethe capability of being happy.
If I feel useless. I also knowI'm very useful. Do you see what
(19:16):
I mean? So it's being able totap into both and, and if I can
do that, then the side thatviews negative doesn't overpower
me, because I also know I havethis other side too. You know.
So that's just an example ofbeing able to think differently,
of what's happening and howwe're feeling and to reach for
(19:39):
thoughts that actually match theother side of what feels
negative. Because it keeps us inbalance. I think.
Peter Blundell (19:47):
It sounds like really valuing all the different
parts of you and if you knewabout before, is maybe sometimes
people's thinking only focuseson one aspect of the self or the
situation and actually, whatyour book asking people to do is
open that up a little bit andsay actually, there's may be
other things going on here thatyou haven't recognized yet.
Dianne Sotomey (20:05):
That's it? Yes.
Yes. Yes. So. So yeah, so that'sreally what I want to get
across. So that's my mission toelevate human consciousness one
thought at a time now, it soundsso big.
Peter Blundell (20:25):
I mean, it does sound so big, but one thought at
a time, I think is lovely. Andthat takes it back to the real
that idea of a daily practicesthat you can't focus on
everything that's going on inour life at the moment, or maybe
we can think about this onethought that we have at that
moment in time.
Dianne Sotomey (20:41):
That's it.
Peter Blundell (20:44):
Very excited, I think, you know, there's so much
we talk about this podcast alot, obviously, about the values
of therapy, and, and all of thatkind of thing, but it's nice to
hear, spreading the knowledgeand understanding through
different forms of ways oflearning, you know, and kind of
books like yours are reallyimportant, you know, to kind of
add to that system of knowledgethat we've got out there about
(21:06):
ways we can live our livesdifferently.
Dianne Sotomey (21:09):
I believe so, I believe so. Because even as a
psychotherapist, I, as much as Iam the biggest advocate for for
therapy, and be someone who'sbeen in therapy for quite a
while, I still feel likesometimes just finding other
(21:29):
ways of supporting yourself isso necessary, because a lot of
what I learned, I probably, Iknew it. But somehow I had to
step outside of my therapeuticspace to go and find it. Because
I don't know if I would havefound it in the same way in
which I got it from somewhereelse. Because I had to go and do
(21:53):
my own research on it. Andtherapy was a safe base that
enabled me to go and do that. Sowas like my safe space. So I
could go and explore while stillfeeling grounded in held in my
therapeutic space to just go andfind means that while still
finding me within my therapy, ifyou know what I mean.
Peter Blundell (22:15):
Yeah, it reminds me of when I was training, and
before I got into counseling,training, to read lots of
different self help books andthings like that. And it was
certain ones that reallyresonated with me. And I
remember starting my trainingand, and being like, this is
this amazing book, and somepeople kind of going, 'Oh, I'm
not really into that that book',you know, when I was like
getting devastated, I was like,'What do you mean? This is like,
(22:35):
amazing, it's changed my life'.
And I'm thinking differently.
But for them, it was acompletely different other book,
you know, or, or podcast or filmor whatever it was that it
really, really resonated withthem. And I think that was eye
opening to me in terms of like,the different things that
different people get. And also,like you were saying, in
therapy, you know, yes, we canprocessing stuff, but we can't
(22:59):
go through every single book,you know, that therapist has
ever read, some things we haveto come to on our own.
Dianne Sotomey (23:06):
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly. Exactly. So again, Isee that as taking control of
your life and thinking, what doyou need? What do you want?
Because each time we askourselves, what do we want? It
forces us to think differently?
Because often when you askpeople what they want, they say
they tell you what they don'twant. You know, I don't know if
(23:26):
you've ever noticed that. Butwhen you say, 'what would you
want? they go, I know what Idon't want'.
Peter Blundell (23:32):
which is a good starting point. But it's not
what you want.
Dianne Sotomey (23:37):
Because what we don't want is what we will
always focus on if that's all wethink about, you know, as
opposed to what we want, becausethe more you we think about what
we want, it keeps us focused onwhat we want. So yeah,
Peter Blundell (23:51):
Fantastic. Do you know what Diana could speak
to all morning? It's been, it'sbeen absolutely lovely. And
thank you so much for being aguest on the Therapist Connect
podcast. We wish you all thebest and more success with your
new boook. So thank you.
Dianne Sotomey (24:08):
Thank you. It's been such a pleasure being on
the show on the podcast with youPeter, like you I could also
talk forever.
Peter Blundell (24:20):
We must do it again. Thank you.
Dianne Sotomey (24:22):
That would be lovely. Thank you. Yeah, thanks
a lot. Bye bye.
Peter Blundell (24:30):
If you enjoyed this episode, the Therapist
Connect podcast please go toyour favorite podcast platform
and leave us a review
Hello and welcome to another episode of
the Therapist Connect Podcast.
My name is Dr. Peter Blundell.
And today we're interviewingDiane Sotomey. Diane is the best
selling author of her new book,Check Your Thoughts, Your Life
Depends On It, about how yourthoughts shape your everyday
life and who you become. She'salso a UKCP registered
psychotherapist, clinicalsupervisor and trainer. In
(00:23):
addition to that she coacheswomen in leadership, overcoming
limiting beliefs and self doubt.
Her expertise in mental healthand well being extends beyond
her one to one work, as she alsodelivers talks on various
related topics and training tofoster parents and social
workers across the UK. Diane isa visiting tutor at the TA East
Institute for Psychotherapy andCounseling, and currently
(00:44):
resides in the tranquilcountryside of Suffolk, England.
If you enjoyed this episode ofThe Therapist Connect podcast,
please go to your favoritepodcast platform and leave us a
review. So Diane, thank you somuch for coming on the Therapist
Connect podcast. It's lovely tomeet you and to chat a little
(01:06):
bit about your your life andyour work.
Dianne Sotomey (01:11):
Hi, Peter, good to finally meet you.
Peter Blundell (01:15):
Yeah, no, it's great to meet you too. And it
was so nice for you to reachout.
Dianne Sotomey (01:21):
And I'm grateful for you having me on. So
grateful.
Peter Blundell (01:26):
Absolutely. I'm sure all our listeners will love
hearing your story and hearing abit more about you. So be
really, really exciting. Couldyou tell our listeners, how did
you come to be a therapist inthe first place? What drew you
into this profession?
Dianne Sotomey (01:43):
Yeah, so I never ever thought about wanting to
become a therapist, it wasn'tsomething that was part of my
career plan. But um, I workedwith traumatized children for 14
years as a foster parent. Andwhilst I was working with them,
I realized that a lot of thebehaviors that they were
(02:07):
exhibiting were quite extreme.
And I quickly came to theconclusion that my traditional
parenting and how I understoodthe everyday parenting was not
going to be enough, I needed alittle bit more. And so
realizing that plus also seeingthe limits, that the behaviors
(02:28):
were placing on them, made mebecome very curious, in wanting
to understand trauma, and therole that it plays in the lives
of others, especially youngchildren. So that was what led
me into going to the MetanoiaInstitute, to train to become a
psychotherapist. And, yeah, Istumbled into it, but I'm so
(02:53):
grateful that I did.
Peter Blundell (02:56):
That's really interesting. So I`m a therapist,
I'm also a social worker. SoI've worked with lots of foster
carers in the past and kind ofhow much hard work it is and how
much care that people put intointo doing that role. And one of
the things I was thinking aboutwhen you were talking then is
actually how, well they do gettraining, but obviously, a
(03:19):
little training in terms of likemental health and understanding
children's behavior and, andthings like that. So I can
resonate with me kind of viewkind of doing the role of and
kind of going hold on that maybethere's more knowledge or
understanding that I need to beable to do this.
Dianne Sotomey (03:34):
Yes, because you're sort of trained on how to
work with them therapeutically.
But if you don't have apsychotherapeutic background,
it's a lot to grasp, especiallyif you've had a childhood where,
you know what, that wasn't verytherapeutic in that way. You
(03:55):
were sort of told, you were,just did as you were told, and
you didn't argue back. And soyour expect at least I was like
sort of expecting that what Iwas teaching, they would lap it
up. So naive. They were justsort of, I think I just had my
(04:16):
own naive expectations of what Ithought it was going to be
because I had lived quite aprivileged lifestyle and lived
in a bit of a bubble. So youjust don't know what you don't
know. But I knew I had a lot tooffer. You know, so it was a big
awakening and a big shock. AndI'm so grateful because each
(04:36):
each one of those childrentaught me so much and really
made me understand so much moreabout life. You know, so I was
meant to be helping them that Ifelt like they taught me so
much.
Peter Blundell (04:53):
That's the way I'm always thinking when you
talk and it's it's like quiteoften we parent how we've been
parented. Yes, because that's,that's that's the kind of
unnatural way, isn't it to kindof think like that. And but when
you're foster carer, andobviously, children and young
people come from so manydifferent backgrounds, and
experiences that actually havingthat kind of therapy, that idea
of therapeutic approach or, ordifferent styles and ways of
(05:16):
working with different childrenand young people is really
important. And it's almostsomething that you can't like
you were saying there, you mighthave been taught it in a class,
but actually, you really need toknow it.
Dianne Sotomey (05:30):
Yeah, that's it.
Because as you're being taughtin the class, you're thinking,
Well, you don't know what it'slike living with this child. Do
you know what how they push mybuttons? You know, and so I knew
because they trigger your ownunmet needs.
You know, and,and I knew that I knew I wanted
Peter Blundell (05:43):
Yeah.
to do a great job. And I knew inorder to do that, I needed to
find another way. And yeah,psychotherapy really helped me
in really understanding what wasgoing on for them at a much
deeper level than just what Iwas being taught every three or
(06:07):
four months.
Yeah. Can youtell us a little bit about your
career so far? Then how did thathow did that work out once you
were trained and qualified?
Dianne Sotomey (06:15):
Yes. So I did. I was a foster parent for a long
time. But then I also I've beenrunning my private practice side
by side. But then, whilst I wasworking as a psychotherapist, I
also became a trainer. So I,what after I did my PTSDA, which
(06:40):
is, I'm a TA, psychotherapist.
So PTSDA is anotherqualification that allows you to
be able to train. And so after Idid that, I decided to put
trainings together for localauthorities, and for fostering
organizations to really helpthem work therapeutically and
(07:02):
understand the behaviors that alot of the children were
exhibiting, and just to know howto work with that, because I
felt like I didn't only have theknowledge, but I also had the
experience. So working in thatway, was really useful for a lot
of the foster parents becausethey felt understood. And so I
do, I still do that. And I alsotrained a bit at the Metanoia
(07:27):
Institute, and also work as thevisiting tutor at the TA East
Institute. So I do a lot oftraining. And recently, I've
become a best selling author.
Peter Blundell (07:43):
Congratulations.
Dianne Sotomey (07:44):
Thank you. Yeah, I'm really excited about that.
And as a result of that, I'm nowdoing a lot of speaking, and a
lot of coaching as well. So it'ssort of it feels like slightly
different. But it's all I see itall. It's still part of my
psychotherapy, because it's justdifferent branches off my
(08:05):
psychotherapy, but then yeah, sothat's sort of how, and there's
loads of other things I do inbetween, but this is the bulk of
what I do.
Peter Blundell (08:13):
That's exciting.
Congratulations on the book. Canyou tell our listeners a little
bit about how the book cameabout, then what led you to
write it?
Dianne Sotomey (08:22):
Okay, so just like psychotherapy, I had never
ever thought of writing a book.
But I remember I was on a walkone day, and I live in the
countryside. So I'm surroundedby loads of farms. And as I was
walking, I saw one side of theroad where there was a farm with
meticulous planted rows of corn,and it looked so beautiful. And
(08:43):
the other side was an unkemptland with bushes and everything,
a medley of plants. And so Icouldn't, it was just something
I had seen. And I had seen themso many times. But on this
particular day, I couldn't getwhat I had seen out of my mind,
and it wasn't anythingextraordinary. But I was struck
(09:04):
by it. And I realized the reasonit struck me was because the the
the other side of the land thatlooked so meticulous was to do
with the part of me that seemedso put together and you know,
flawless. And the other sidethat was so unkempt was just how
(09:26):
I was feeling internally.
Because I was going through adivorce at the time. And I just
felt so out of control on somany different levels
emotionally. However, I lookedso together and that made me
want to understand therelationship between my thoughts
(09:46):
and my body. Because I realizedthat if only my mind could look
like that those rows of cornwith the thoughts I was
planting, I feel so much better.
So I started doing all thisresearch and I was really
enjoying everything I waslearning. And that really
inspired me. And as I put itinto practice, I started to see
so many changes in my life. AndI had gone from going to bed
(10:11):
thinking the same thoughts,experiencing the same feelings,
but looking for a differentoutcome, to actually being able
to go to bed, thinking positivethoughts, and waking up feeling
alive and excited and wanting todo something different, but it
was a process. But it meant mehaving to be deliberate and
(10:32):
intentional. And as apsychotherapist, I do understand
the relationship between themind and body. But what I hadn't
done was I had never figured outhow to put that into practice on
a daily basis. So I had a lot ofknowledge, but I wasn't applying
it. And it wasn't until Istarted to apply it, I started
to see, you know what, actually,everything begins with thoughts.
(10:55):
I know that. But it still didn'tregister, that for the first
time, it was beginning toregister. And then I thought, I
bet you there's loads of peopleout there that are just like me,
who have a lot of knowledgeabout thoughts, but don't think
much about it. It's justgeneralized. And at the same
time, lots of clients werecoming to me with similar
(11:18):
problems that I was strugglingwith, and that I had overcome.
And I thought, You know what, Ireally want to put this in a
book, because each time I'dshare it with them, it was like
a light bulb moment would gooff. And I thought I need to do
this. So that was how the ideaof the book came about.
Peter Blundell (11:37):
That's fantastic. Such a vivid image of
those fields and kind of thedifference that really resonates
with me, and I love the idea ofkind of Yeah, we have all this
knowledge and understanding astherapists but then actually the
sometimes the implementation ofit is a very different thing,
isn't it? You know, we can talkabout things and we can, and we
(11:58):
can explore them, but actuallyactually then making changes and
actually adapting and changingthe way we think or act or
interact with people is reallyimportant.
Dianne Sotomey (12:06):
Absolutely.
Because I found it was it whatsort of reinforced everything I
was doing was as a result of thedivorce, my own son had a
breakdown. And then soon afterthat my my mum got diagnosed
with dementia. And these wereall some sort of thoughts
(12:27):
disturbance diagnosis that theyhad both been given. So it just
made me even more interested inunderstanding that and and as
they were both as my son wasgetting better, and I asked him,
so what really helped. Evenbefore him knowing I was writing
the book, he just said, mum,it's my thinking. It's the way I
(12:48):
was thinking. And I thought itseems so simple. But yet, it's
so powerful if we understandjust how much our thoughts
matter. And I think most of usunderstand that, but we don't
think about it. And we have tobe intentional for it to
actually make sense. You know,so I get very excited when I
(13:10):
think about it just because Isee what it's done in my life
and in the lives of those aroundme. So I'm on a bit of a mission
with that.
Peter Blundell (13:23):
So, do you want to say the name of your book?
Because, our listeners will bereally interested in that?
Dianne Sotomey (13:31):
Yes, so the book is called, Check Your Thoughts,
Your Life Depends On It. Andit's all about how our thoughts
shape our lives, and oureveryday how our thoughts shape
our everyday lives.
Peter Blundell (13:47):
I think you've I mean, you've hinted that in
terms of how you've talked aboutthe book, but what are your
hopes for people to get out ofthe book when they when they
read it?
Dianne Sotomey (13:56):
Well, I'm hoping that people will be able to, it
would provoke them. But also, itwould offer a new approach to a
new approach to dealing withsituations in their lives. So
that it's not so much about thesituation changing or the
(14:19):
problem going away. But it'sfinding a way of recognizing how
much in control we are, of howwe want to feel. So that it's
not as because until weunderstand that we can often
feel like we're being done tooor we're in an unfair position
or where some kind of an anomalybecause things are just keep
(14:42):
happening, which is how I feltlike I was an anomaly because he
felt like so many things werewere happening all at once, but
actually understanding that Ihad control in how I thought
about them, and how I how I sawthem, actually and that I had
the power within me to reach fordifferent thoughts, that would
(15:03):
make me feel better. Thatactually was like an eye opener.
But I say it's so simple, butyet it can feel so complicated.
And so I'm hoping that as peopleread the book, they'd actually
come to grips with how muchcontrol and power they have over
their own lives and not to leavetheir lives to chance by
(15:25):
thinking that I don't have anypower and what's happening to
me, because we always do.
Peter Blundell (15:31):
It sounds like a simple idea, but it's maybe a
bit more challenging, is it toput that into practice, you
know, like you were sayingbefore, in doubt, right
intention in terms of how I'mgoing to wake up and how I'm
going to see the world.
Dianne Sotomey (15:43):
And that's it.
Yeah, that's it. So So even inmy, on my website, which is
DianeSotomey.com, I have puttogether some meditative
practice, that helps, which isfree for people to download,
because I think one cannotimplement these things without
some kind of a daily practice.
(16:06):
And so otherwise, it can justbe, oh, let me just fake it till
I make it. That doesn't work.
But it's about really puttingreally cultivating some kind of
daily practice that allows youto reflect, think about make
sense of work through and toreally be intentional about how
you want to see your day, whatdo you need to put in place?
(16:29):
What is it going to take? Soyeah, so put that together to
just It's a 30 day challenge tohelp people really commit to
thinking about what they thinkabout.
Peter Blundell (16:43):
And that's really important there what
you're saying in terms of, it'sno good, is it if we just
pretend everything's okay. Andwe'll just pretend it's all
great. And then and then we'llmove through that. And I think
what you're talking about isactually spending some time,
mindfully thinking about yourlife, what you're putting out
into the world, how you'rereceiving the world, and that
(17:03):
and that type of thing.
Dianne Sotomey (17:04):
That's it.
Absolutely. Yes.
Peter Blundell (17:07):
Brilliant.
Fantastic. That sounds exciting.
I haven't read it yet. But I'mlooking forward to reading it.
And seeing all the insights inthere. So what comes next for
you, then? What is it that youhave got coming up in the
future? Are you writing anotherbook?
Dianne Sotomey (17:24):
Well, I would like to at some point, but this
has only just come out. So Ithink at the moment, I'm just on
this mission to get to schoolsto get to universities, because
I do you feel like a lot ofschools, don't teach children
how to think, you know, and I dofeel there is a way that we can
(17:45):
be taught to think that enablesus to deal with the challenges
that life throws at us, becausethose challenges will never stop
coming. And if you are somebodylike me who believe when bad
things happen in life, it'sbecause you've sinned, or you've
done something terrible. So Godis having a go at you what, it
(18:08):
just compounds the feelings, youknow, and I know I'm not the
only one who has thought likethat before. So having a way and
approach to thinking and dealingwith situations that come up,
can be so freeing. And sopermission giving to an
empowering to think you knowwhat, this is part of life. I am
(18:30):
equipped, I am powerful. I candeal with these things that come
at me. Yes, it's yes, it ispainful. But I also know I have
the strength to overcome. Yes,it is challenging. But I also
know I have wisdom. Do you knowwhat I mean? It's looking at the
opposites at the opposite sideof each coin. Because if one
(18:53):
side of the coin says, if you'reif one side of the coin is not a
full expression of the coin, isthe same one side of a thought
is not the full expression ofthe whole view. So if I feel
down, then I also know I havethe capability of being happy.
If I feel useless. I also knowI'm very useful. Do you see what
(19:16):
I mean? So it's being able totap into both and, and if I can
do that, then the side thatviews negative doesn't overpower
me, because I also know I havethis other side too. You know.
So that's just an example ofbeing able to think differently,
of what's happening and howwe're feeling and to reach for
(19:39):
thoughts that actually match theother side of what feels
negative. Because it keeps us inbalance. I think.
Peter Blundell (19:47):
It sounds like really valuing all the different
parts of you and if you knewabout before, is maybe sometimes
people's thinking only focuseson one aspect of the self or the
situation and actually, whatyour book asking people to do is
open that up a little bit andsay actually, there's may be
other things going on here thatyou haven't recognized yet.
Dianne Sotomey (20:05):
That's it? Yes.
Yes. Yes. So. So yeah, so that'sreally what I want to get
across. So that's my mission toelevate human consciousness one
thought at a time now, it soundsso big.
Peter Blundell (20:25):
I mean, it does sound so big, but one thought at
a time, I think is lovely. Andthat takes it back to the real
that idea of a daily practicesthat you can't focus on
everything that's going on inour life at the moment, or maybe
we can think about this onethought that we have at that
moment in time.
Dianne Sotomey (20:41):
That's it.
Peter Blundell (20:44):
Very excited, I think, you know, there's so much
we talk about this podcast alot, obviously, about the values
of therapy, and, and all of thatkind of thing, but it's nice to
hear, spreading the knowledgeand understanding through
different forms of ways oflearning, you know, and kind of
books like yours are reallyimportant, you know, to kind of
add to that system of knowledgethat we've got out there about
(21:06):
ways we can live our livesdifferently.
Dianne Sotomey (21:09):
I believe so, I believe so. Because even as a
psychotherapist, I, as much as Iam the biggest advocate for for
therapy, and be someone who'sbeen in therapy for quite a
while, I still feel likesometimes just finding other
(21:29):
ways of supporting yourself isso necessary, because a lot of
what I learned, I probably, Iknew it. But somehow I had to
step outside of my therapeuticspace to go and find it. Because
I don't know if I would havefound it in the same way in
which I got it from somewhereelse. Because I had to go and do
(21:53):
my own research on it. Andtherapy was a safe base that
enabled me to go and do that. Sowas like my safe space. So I
could go and explore while stillfeeling grounded in held in my
therapeutic space to just go andfind means that while still
finding me within my therapy, ifyou know what I mean.
Peter Blundell (22:15):
Yeah, it reminds me of when I was training, and
before I got into counseling,training, to read lots of
different self help books andthings like that. And it was
certain ones that reallyresonated with me. And I
remember starting my trainingand, and being like, this is
this amazing book, and somepeople kind of going, 'Oh, I'm
not really into that that book',you know, when I was like
getting devastated, I was like,'What do you mean? This is like,
(22:35):
amazing, it's changed my life'.
And I'm thinking differently.
But for them, it was acompletely different other book,
you know, or, or podcast or filmor whatever it was that it
really, really resonated withthem. And I think that was eye
opening to me in terms of like,the different things that
different people get. And also,like you were saying, in
therapy, you know, yes, we canprocessing stuff, but we can't
(22:59):
go through every single book,you know, that therapist has
ever read, some things we haveto come to on our own.
Dianne Sotomey (23:06):
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly. Exactly. So again, Isee that as taking control of
your life and thinking, what doyou need? What do you want?
Because each time we askourselves, what do we want? It
forces us to think differently?
Because often when you askpeople what they want, they say
they tell you what they don'twant. You know, I don't know if
(23:26):
you've ever noticed that. Butwhen you say, 'what would you
want? they go, I know what Idon't want'.
Peter Blundell (23:32):
which is a good starting point. But it's not
what you want.
Dianne Sotomey (23:37):
Because what we don't want is what we will
always focus on if that's all wethink about, you know, as
opposed to what we want, becausethe more you we think about what
we want, it keeps us focused onwhat we want. So yeah,
Peter Blundell (23:51):
Fantastic. Do you know what Diana could speak
to all morning? It's been, it'sbeen absolutely lovely. And
thank you so much for being aguest on the Therapist Connect
podcast. We wish you all thebest and more success with your
new boook. So thank you.
Dianne Sotomey (24:08):
Thank you. It's been such a pleasure being on
the show on the podcast with youPeter, like you I could also
talk forever.
Peter Blundell (24:20):
We must do it again. Thank you.
Dianne Sotomey (24:22):
That would be lovely. Thank you. Yeah, thanks
a lot. Bye bye.
Peter Blundell (24:30):
If you enjoyed this episode, the Therapist
Connect podcast please go toyour favorite podcast platform
and leave us a review
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.