EP 60: Breaking Free from the Boxes We Build

Have you ever felt stuck in a box of your own making? That nagging sensation that you're trapped in a role, a mindset, or a pattern that no longer serves you?

I want to take you on a journey through the concept of breaking free from self-imposed limitations and reframing our past experiences. Drawing from my book "Tilted Halo: Exposing the Truth of Women in Ministry and Untold Stories," I share a powerful personal story about transforming a painful wedding memory through the simple act of perspective shift. I recount how a reinterpretation of my father's wedding toast demonstrates how we can be "freed from" negative thought patterns that have constrained us for years.

The heart of this episode centers around the twin concepts of being "free from" and "free for." Through an engaging analogy about training a formerly wild dog, I illuminate how what initially feels like constraint can actually become the very thing that enables greater freedom and purpose. This isn't just philosophical musing—it's practical wisdom for anyone feeling boxed in by circumstances or their thinking. Whether you're a woman in ministry leadership or anyone seeking more authentic living, this episode offers a framework for identifying what you want liberation from and, more importantly, what mission or purpose you want liberation for.

Ready to break out of your box? Listen now, then reach out for additional resources to help you identify what you want to be freed from and freed for in your own life and ministry. Connect with me on LinkedIn to continue the conversation about living with your halo proudly tilted—perfectly imperfect in your calling.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Tilted Halo.
This is a new podcast and it'sfor anybody who's a woman in
ministry.
You might be a pastor likemyself, a bishop, a priest, a
rabbi, music minister, elderchildren's minister whatever
your title is, you're absolutelyin the right place, especially
if you're someone who loves yourministry and you're doing it

(00:24):
well and you're feeling pressureto sometimes be perfect and
deep down inside, you knowyou're not, and how in the world
to deal with that?
And men, you're absolutelywelcome here too, because this
is about ministry and the samething can happen to you.
So you're all in the rightplace.
Let's get started with the show.

(00:46):
Welcome to another edition ofthe Tilted Halo.
I am Pastor Kathleen Panning,your host for this wonderful
show for women of faith inleadership who know perfectly
well that we are not perfect notperfect.

(01:11):
Hence the halo is a bit askew.
Have you ever felt stuck, likeyou know, stuck in a job, a
position, stuck in the way youlook at life, stuck in the way
you think about things, stuck ina relationship, stuck in
anything, any different thing inlife?
Have you ever felt really stuckand wanting to break out of

(01:35):
that box?
Wanting to?
Well, maybe not even realizingthat you were in a box Well,
maybe not even realizing thatyou were in a box, that you were
really confined in your way ofthinking, in your way of being
things, in your way of doingsomething.
There are times where we getstuck in life, stuck in a rut we

(02:09):
talk about it stuck in a habitthat it's not necessarily good
for us, stuck in a way of doingsomething, stuck in driving the
same route to the same placeevery single time, seeing the
same thing over and over andover, and sometimes that that's
just fine.
You know, it's exactly what wewant, exactly the way we want

(02:30):
things and look at life and wantto do things.
Other times we get to a pointwhere we think, oh, this is
boring, this is not what I want,this is just really the same
old, same old, same old, sameold, wanting to experience

(02:51):
something new, something more,something different to break out
.
I talk about this in my book,tilted Halo, exposing the, the
Truth of Women in Ministry andUntold Stories.
And it's about the truth, aboutme, especially as a woman in

(03:14):
ministry, because that's theprimary focus I have when I was
in parish ministry, but stilltoday in ministry, and there
were times in ministry where Ifelt stuck, and I talk about
some of that in the book in achapter that's about being free

(03:39):
from and free for, and I came tothat understanding of free from
and free for in one particulartime and I'll talk about that a
little bit later in this episode.
But where I got that from andhow I understand that?

(04:02):
But back to this idea offeeling stuck there are many
times in our lives where we canfeel stuck and, like I say, I
talk about a couple of them, orat least one in my book, but
there's another one that's notsomething I've always talked

(04:27):
about in this sense of feelingstuck.
I've talked about it in otherways.
But there was a time I was at aconference or it wasn't really a
conference, it was, I think,part of a three-month-long mini
sabbatical that I took, and Iremember sitting in the room

(04:52):
with this group of people andhearing the person leading this,
named Barry Neal Kaufman, atthe Option Institute in
Sheffield, massachusetts, andhearing him say that you're
never too old to have a happychildhood and I thought, huh,

(05:14):
that doesn't make any sense.
You know, we can be, havememories from childhood and
those memories are just there.
Those are the things thathappened.
How can we, you know, asidefrom just ignoring those things
or pushing them out of our mindaltogether?

(05:36):
What in the world is he talkingabout?
You're never too old to have ahappy childhood, never too old
to have a happy childhood, andpart of it is the reality that
we can become stuck in one wayof understanding things from our

(05:57):
childhood or in adult life.
And as I sat in that group andlistening to him, I thought I
couldn't really think ofsomething from my childhood that
was, you know, really veryunhappy.

(06:17):
But I thought about somethingelse and I believe I share this
in the book too, but in adifferent chapter, and I believe
I share this in the book too,but in a different chapter
something that happened at myown wedding reception, when my
dad got up to give a toast andhis comment was something to the

(06:38):
effect that he had begun tothink that this day would never
happen.
And I thought about that andwhen I heard it it was like, oh
my God, he was thinking that Iwas going to be an old maid,
that I would never get marriedand that, you know, I was done

(06:59):
for single forever, and that'sthe way I always thought about
it.
In fact, at that moment I wasready to get up, leave the
reception and go into therestroom and cry.
It hit me that hard.
I never talked to my dad aboutthat, never asked him what he

(07:23):
meant and I never told anyoneelse actually about my feelings
of what he said at that momentand I lived with that for a
number of years before sittingin that classroom, in that room
it wasn't the typical classroomin that room it wasn't the

(07:46):
typical classroom.
But in that room and hearingBarry Kaufman say you're never
too old to have a happychildhood.
So I was thinking, am I evertoo old to have a happy wedding
reception?
And I was thinking, you know,is there any other possible way
to look at this?
It was, you know, the wordswere the words that were there.

(08:11):
It's not the changing the words, that he wasn't talking about
me.
Maybe, just maybe, he wastalking about himself.
That he would never have thechance to walk me down the aisle

(08:33):
, that he would never see memarried to a wonderful man who I
loved and who loved me, that hewould not have the opportunity
to host a wedding reception forme, that he was thinking he'd
never get that opportunity.

(08:54):
And it was something he reallywanted to do, and thinking about
that just totally blew openthat box of this is a horrible
thing.
I don't even want to thinkabout it.
I put it out of my mind so thatI could continue with the
wedding reception and I had madethe decision at that moment at

(09:17):
the reception I wasn't going tolet that ruin my wedding.
I just put it out of my mind,I'm not going to deal with this,
and went on with the reception.
But it always sat there in theback of my mind as something

(09:38):
like you know, something Ididn't like, something that was
an unhappy experience, untiluntil I sat in that room and
realized maybe, maybe there'sanother way to think about this

(10:12):
and suddenly I became freed froma negative understanding, a
experience, a negative way ofseeing that event, and myself
and my dad and ever since thenit's been.
What a wonderful thing he said.
You know his love for me, hiswanting to see that kind of a

(10:36):
day for me Instead of well,she's never going to get married
.
You know that kind of thing andI think I'm not a psychologist
but I've often heard of thatkind of thing as reframing an
experience or event to see it ina different light, and it's

(10:58):
part of what today is oftencalled mindset how we set our
minds, what we set our minds on,and sometimes our minds get set
in concrete and it's not alwaysgood, instead of being set in
some fertile soil and allowingthings to grow, freed from.

(11:20):
It's an idea.
The whole of free from and freefor is something that came to me
out of understanding some ofPaul's words in the book of
Romans that we are freed from byGod's grace, freed from a

(11:43):
relationship with God that webroke as human beings, and
that's what we call sin and freefor.
Free for a new way, free forsomething beautiful and new to
come, free to live as forgivenand forgiving human beings.

(12:07):
When we are not free from, whenwe live in a box, whether it's
in a position that we don'treally like and that's not
allowing us to grow and be as afaith leader, as a person in

(12:34):
business, as you know, in arelationship, when we see a
situation as confining and notallowing for that expansion that
we're hungry for and lookingfor at the time, it does not

(12:57):
help the relationship, it doesnot help us be the best we can
be in that situation, and sopart of being freed from is
freeing from those negativeperceptions that we have about a
situation.

(13:17):
Free from not free from thedesire to grow and be something
different and experience more,but free from thinking that it's
not possible where we are.
Maybe it's not possible in theway we think it is, but it could

(13:37):
still be possible and we haveto allow for that blossoming to
be there.
And if it's not possible wherewe are, then it's not just
looking to be free from, butfree for, for something new, to

(13:57):
know what it is we want to goforward and towards.
To just be free from is runningwild and some people like that
and think that's the greatestthing in the world.
But we all know that.
Uh, you know, I think of some ofthe the dogs I've had, and one

(14:23):
in particular.
She was a stray and I found herliterally sitting outside the
church.
So she became my church dog andit was after a congregational
meal and she was a stray andhungry and smelling food from

(14:44):
inside and there she sat sayingfeed me, feed me.
And well, I took her in and shewas a wild child.
I mean, she had never had acollar on her, she had never had
a leash on her, and so thefirst time I put a collar and a
leash on her man, she fought melike a bunking bronco, and it

(15:11):
wasn't until she got used tothat.
It took a while.
I had to even go throughobedience classes with her
because she was such a wildchild and the trainer called her
a marine dog.
Uh, somebody was just reallyout there, um, and she said I

(15:31):
don't even know what breedcombination she was, probably
some, possibly some, terrier.
She didn't look like a bulldogin any respect, but terrier, you
know.
Who knows what was all in her,but she was bound and determined

(15:52):
to have her will in her way,and so we had to learn to work
together to have her be free,for a productive and happy
relationship with me andeventually with another dog as
well.
And so sometimes what we thinkare constraints that close us in

(16:21):
can actually be a way ofhelping direct us, helping us
see possibilities and new waysof looking at life, looking at
things that we're doing, a wayof maybe in a sense taming our

(16:45):
enthusiasm, or ways of doingthings so that they can be more
focused and concentrated andproductive in certain ways.
I eventually got to be able todo some wonderful long walks
with that dog and she loved torun and play and had a fenced-in

(17:08):
area of our yard, our property,where she could just run and
run and run her heart out, sothat she had that freedom to do
that, but within limits, and andthen to be able to also accept
a collar and a leash to go for awalk where she was not just

(17:33):
running wild out there, whichcould have gotten her in trouble
with neighbors and maybe evengotten her hit or injured on the
road.
So we need limits, we needboundaries, sometimes many times

(17:55):
.
But we also need to think ofyes, we want to know what we
want.
We need to know what we want tobe free from.
But what is it we want to befree for?
What's the purpose of thatfreedom?
What is really the goal outthere?

(18:18):
What is it we want to movetowards in a healthy way?
What is that ministry, thatmission that tugs at our hearts,
that we really would love towork towards?

(18:40):
So as you think about the timeswhere you have felt, where
something doesn't feel good,it's a memory that is always
kind of gnawing at you andnagging at you whether it's a
position that does not allow forthe kind of growth and

(19:00):
advancement in ministry, in life, in a job, a profession,
whatever it may be.
What is it that we as women, oryou as a woman of faith and
leadership, want to be free frombut also free for?
And then how do we work towardsthat?

(19:23):
As a person of faith, askingGod's guidance definitely
Patience sometimes we need a lotof that but also the clarity to
know what it is to be free forand to allow God to help guide

(19:46):
us, to have the mindset thatallows us to be free from and
free for when the time is rightto step into that new
opportunity, the new way ofseeing something from the past,
the new opportunities for thefuture, and when we free

(20:10):
ourselves from negative thingsfrom the past, that also frees
us for living bigger, bolder,more in God's love and grace,
even in the present.
So don't overlook the presentwhen you think about free for,

(20:31):
free for more vibrant living now, as well as something to move
towards.
So, what do you want to be freefrom?
We all have things, you know.
What is it that you might wantto be free from?
Small things, big things, whatis it?

(20:52):
And then, what is it you wantto be free for An exercise, to
write that down.
Think about that, talk to Godabout it, pray about it.
If you need help workingthrough something from the past,
get that help, someone to helpyou think through.
What are the ways that mightthere be to understand that?

(21:15):
Is there a way to reframe it,to see it in a different light,
as an opportunity or assomething that shines a
different perspective onsomething?
A different perspective onsomething?
So until the next time, comeback, watch other episodes or

(21:41):
listen to other episodes of theTilted Halo.
Look for my book Tilted HaloExposing the Truth of Women in
Ministry and Untold Storiesstories.
That's the full title and leaveme a comment, some likes.
Whatever it may be for you, butmost of all, start thinking

(22:04):
about jotting some things down.
What is it you want to be freefrom?
And god always says when we'refree from, it's always to be
free for what is the ministry,the mission, the way of living
that you want to be free for?
That shows God's love in thisworld.

(22:25):
So God's peace and blessings.
You have been listening toTilted Halo with me, kathleen
Panning.
What did you think about thisepisode?
I'd really like to hear fromyou.
Leave me some comments.
Be sure to like, subscribe andshare this episode and catch
another upcoming episode.

(22:45):
For more conversation onministry life, mindset and a
whole lot more, go towwwtiltedhalohelpcom, where I've
got a resource guide and otherresources waiting for you, and
be sure to say hi to me,kathleen Panning, on LinkedIn.
See you on the next episode.