August 18, 2025 • 33 mins
Kendra is a highly sought-after couples therapist working with some of the wealthiest and most accomplished individuals in the Boston area. While these clients often present polished and perfect lives to the outside world, they trust Kendra to help them navigate the complexities and hidden struggles that exist beneath the surface of their relationships.
In This Episode
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In This Episode
- Kendra's website
- www.esclusivacouplesretreats.com
- Socials: Instagram @kendracapalbo and @esclusivacouplesretreats
The Trauma Therapist PodcastJoin my email list and receive podcast updates and other news: https://bit.ly/3LuAG2iListen to all Trauma Therapist Podcast episodes here: https://bit.ly/3VRNy8z
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-trauma-therapist--5739761/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Trauma Theapists podcast. My name is gomcpherson.
I interview incredible people who dedicated their lives to helping
those who have been impacted by trauma. Here we go,
So five two one, our folks, welcome back to the podcast.
Very excited to have as my guest today, Kendra Capabo.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Thank you, so happy to be here. Excited, awesome.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
So, Kendra is highly sought after couple's therapists, working with
some of the wealthiest and most accomplished individuals in the
Boston area. While these clients often present polished and perfect
lives to the outside world, they trust Kendrick to help
them navigate the complexities and hidden struggles that exist beneath
the surface of their relationships. Okay, short and sweet, there's
(00:51):
it's the polished and perfect lives. I mean, come on,
all right, before we get into that, let's start out
with you. Where are you from? Originally? I share with
all listeners where you are currently.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
So I'm originally from Rhode Island, grew up raised and
you know, went to school there through high school and
then went to college at Boston University. From there, I
did a little stint with the Peace Corps in Kingston, Jamaica,
which is interesting experience to say the least. Came back
to Rhode Island, went to Colorado for a little while,
and now after Rhode Island, Massachusetts, I'm in Connecticut.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Okay, So I'm noticing behind you you got these plates
cracked put together with what appears to be gold, which
is also echoed on your website. Right now, correct me
if I'm wrong here. That's what the Japanese is it konsugi?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Or what is the Japanese art of kinsugi?
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Knsugi? Okay? So why is that important to you?
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Well? If I get sure? Yeah, if I could share
a quick client story, I'd worked with a couple for
a while. They had gone through some intense trauma in
their relationship. There was a five year affair. They had
done tremendous work, and at one point they said, you know,
would you be willing to these are the things you
don't admit out loud, but would you be willing to
(02:20):
judge our Christmas presence? And of course I should have
said no. What I said sure, And I remember thinking, like,
you know, her love language was gifts and he was
kind of the gift card guy. Right, So I was like,
I don't really know how there's going to be much
of a competition, but I was intrigued. So they came
back to the to the session after they had exchanged gifts,
(02:40):
and she sat down and looked at me and she
said I lost. I said really, And she told me
what she had gotten him, and it was a very thoughtful,
wonderful gift. And then he shared that he had had
a vase made for her in the in the art
of kinsugi. So that was my first introduction to do it,
(03:01):
and you know, I started reading about it. I thought
it was beautiful and just all that it symbolizes in
terms of taking things that are broken, putting them back together,
and not just putting them back together, but putting them
back together in a way that makes them stronger and
more valuable and more beautiful, and highlighting in essence the
fractures instead of trying to ignore them e pretend like
(03:22):
they don't exist. And so I really kind of adopted
that as my kind of philosophy of couples there.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Hm, wow, very cool, what a great intro. So let's okay,
how did this start for you? How the heck did
you get into this this field and specialization.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
I took the long path here. So I originally wanted
to be a veterinarian. I mentioned I went to Boston University.
I was supposed to go to Virginia Tech, and you know,
as the universe works, I kind of freaked out decided
last minute I didn't want to go there. Ended up
at bu Greade School. But culture shock for me. I
had come from a school where I graduated with thirty nine,
(04:04):
and all of a sudden, I'm thrown into you know,
a biology class of eight hundred as pre med and
because I had applied so late, I ended up in
like upper classmen housing, so it didn't really meet any
classmates and basically stopped going to class, which I don't advise.
It's not a not a great freshman year experience. But
when I realized that the chances of getting into vetinary
(04:27):
school were like slim to none, after my first semester,
I transferred into psychology. And then I had a supervisor
after the Peace Corps that was a social worker, and
she you know said, this is like a really broad field.
So I decided to get my master's what social work? Yeah,
(04:49):
social work. I think she sort of swayed me away
from psychology, just sort of saying that there. You know,
there's so many options as there are for psychology as well,
but like you know, I didn't re you know, what
I wanted to do at the time. I thought maybe
work with kids, and I ended up doing I went
to grad school and he did an internship working with Parolis.
(05:10):
My dad had worked in a prison as a correction officer,
and I thought that this is interesting, so I did an
internship to internships, as a matter of fact, working with
Paroli sex offenders. But in that time in grad school,
I also did a like a certification program which I
did not complete at the time, for marriage and family therapy,
(05:32):
and I loved it, but I started put it on
the back burner.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Hang On, hang on, hang on, Why did you love it?
What about it?
Speaker 2 (05:40):
I don't I just I don't know it was it
just intrigued me, like I think that you know, our
our romantic relationships are so complex. The family therapy stuff
overwhelmed me, if I'm being honest, Like that was never
felt like something that was felt like too much for me.
But just having a couple in front of me, right,
like the idea that you can't hide sort of right,
(06:02):
Like you go to individual therapy and you bring what
you bring and your therapist has that information and that
information most times that's all they have. And with couple's therapy,
you know, you can't hide, like you can't say like, oh,
everything's fine, because there's another person unless they're like agreeing
to sort of hide things like you have another person
that's bringing things to the table and seeing their interactions
(06:25):
in real time, right, And so I always understand that
they're usually I hope a little bit diminished from what
looks it looks like at home. You know, they're putting
a little bit of a show on for a therapist,
I think. But there's just something about watching the tapes.
There's a lot of Gotman stuff. At that time, a
lot of the training was around the Gotmin method and
(06:45):
just watching the tapes and the observations that they were making.
I just it's something about it was really attractive to
me energizing. But I didn't do it right away. I
ended up taking a job at a prison where I
worked for fifteen years. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Yeah, it's where.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
In Rhode Island. So Rhode Island's systems because it's just
such a small state it's kind of like one one system,
so you're assigned to a building, but you technically work
in all of them, so it's not like other states
where there's you'd be very like particular about where you're working.
I kind of worked in all the buildings, but ended
the career in the maximum men's security so for fifteen years.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Yeah, what an experience. What were some of your takeaways
from that?
Speaker 2 (07:35):
I mean, I think interestingly, like I think one of
the things that's that's really interesting about my journey, and
like I mentioned the Peace Corps, whereas you know, which
is working with some of the just people with the
just such tragic lives and such poverty, like poverty, like
it's just unimaginable poverty nothing I had ever seen and
probably will ever see again. And then working in the
(07:57):
prison and sort of all the trauma that exists in
that environment, and now working like, you know, kind of
with on some levels what looks like the complete opposite
in terms of the clientele I have now. But it's
really interesting is all the like threads that like run
through because at the end of the day, we're just
humans and we're just like moving through the world, you know,
with our own narrative of our own experiences and trying
(08:18):
to do the best we can. But it was it
was an incredible experience. I think I learned a lot.
I think I learned a lot about myself. I think
I learned a lot about myself as a therapist in
that environment. It really pushes you, I would say, in
ways that maybe other jobs don't or couldn't.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
So, yeah, you at some point switched, if we can
use that word, into specializing and working with couples. You
mentioned the Gottman method. Can you just give us a
brief thumbnail for our listeners of what that is?
Speaker 2 (08:57):
So I usually describe it to client when i'm you know,
kind of explaining the methods I use. As the more
pragmatic approach, I lean more heavily on emotionally focused couple's
therapy at this point in my career. The Gotment method is,
you know, sort of very like pragmatic strategies of like
ways to communicate, I would say, likes the primary where
I use it, you know, ways to manage conflict, recognizing
(09:23):
that conflict can't be avoided. I think too often in
our relationships, you know, we sort of have the idea
that like a healthy relationship is one where there's no
fighting and there's no arguing, and I just think that
that's not realistic. And the goal, you know, and the
Gotment's talk about a lot is the idea of managing conflict,
being able to like communicate about issues as they come
up in a way that leave space for you know,
(09:44):
both partners experiences and feelings. So it's just a lot
of you know, how to frame conversations, how to you know,
talk about like perpetual problems that come up in the relationship,
how to structure conversations, and then a lot of the
connection pieces of rituals of connection, and you know, really
(10:07):
making sure to keep knowing each other and being curious
about each other's experiences and not just assuming that because
you know, you knew knew your spouse when you first
met that you still know then that we grow and
learning about each other, you know, through that whole process.
So that's kind of the summary I usually will give clients.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Cool, Okay, I appreciate that. So how did you morph
into working with them?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
So I started just doing private practice on the side,
just to get a taste of working with clients that
were really interested in working with me. Because in the
prison it's a lot of a lot of times, especially
towards the second two thirds of my career, it was
very much dictated by the prison system. So I had
to see who I was told to see rather than
(10:55):
even sometimes who was asking to be seen. So I
started doing that to just kind of kind of tap
into something that felt unfulfilled in the prison war in
the prison system, and so I started doing just private practice,
a lot of individual work, but started you know, getting
I handed a few cases that were with couples. I
always left energized. I always left those that everybody else
(11:17):
would talk about who drained they felt from a couple's therapy.
I felt like energized, but also recognized didn't really know
what I was doing. It's just a different you know.
I had that sort of limited experience of training when
I was in grad school, but really knew I needed
a lot more to be confident in that field. So
I sought it out, strained, finished the training and the
(11:39):
Gotman method, completed the e f T training, have done
a slew of other trainings along the way, and just
decided like, this is what I'm passionate about, and why
do anything else If you could do what you love
all the time.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Yeah, I mean I love that that you were like
energized from that. That's that's that's so odd when you're
doing something and you experience something and you get energized
from it. So when I was seeing clients and pursuing that,
I really liked working with couples too. Now I want
to dive into a little more about what energized you
(12:15):
for me. You know, you talked about like you didn't
use this term, but you're in the moment in a sense, right,
you can't hide. And I loved kind of facilitating that
discussion and more than the discussion, just the the facilitating
the in the moment relationship and seeing and just observing that.
(12:40):
But what was it about it for you that just
so energized.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
I mean, I think it's a lot of the same.
There's just something you know, it's hard, it's really really
challenging work, and there's something there's something humbling about being
invited into someone's most intimate parts of their of their
own lives. They're you know, that sort of a relationship
and bearing witness to it. And I often say, like
(13:05):
I think that the job a lot of times of
a couple's therapist is like to hold the hope when
they can't see it. You know, I'm always working from
the premise of if they're telling me they're trying to
make the relationship work, that's my goal as well, so
until they tell me otherwise, because obviously sometimes couples are
looking to have help, you know, partying or going their
separate ways, co parenting, things like that. But if they're
(13:26):
telling me that they're trying to make the relationship work,
to be invited in, to be a witness to and
to help facilitate them coming back together is the most
beautiful thing that like, I can't even express it, right, Like,
it's just this such deeply intimate moments that like I
get to be part of in some way and help
and see. You know, couples like the couple I referenced earlier,
(13:49):
you know, come from such a dark place and truly
like embody the concept of like kinsugi and like genuinely
being in a better place than they were any other time
in their relationship. Right, So not just a better place
than they were when they started seeing me, and at
better place than they were and any other time in
their relationship. Communicating in a different way, their intimacy being
(14:12):
like so much deeper and more connected, and not just
about sex, just all aspects of their relationship being like
more beautiful. Just to be a part of that, I get, like,
it's just it's it doesn't get old. I love it.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Yeah, there's a I think there's this common adage in
the couple's therapy realm. It goes like, if a couple
is coming to see you, it's like almost too late.
You know, is there truth to that? I mean, obviously
there are so many different variables in all of this,
(14:48):
but what are your thoughts on that?
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Well? I never think it's too late. I probably wouldn't
be a couple's therapists if I thought it was too late.
It would be sort of sadistic. But I think that
it it's not ideal, right, Like, I think it's a
very I think couple's therapy tends to be a very
reactive approach to relationship. And I'm, you know, really trying
(15:10):
to find a way within my career to head in
a more proactive way. So I don't want to stop
working with the reactive. I love helping people kind of
come out of crisis. But you know, what are the
ways to help people see the value and really investing
in working on their relationship before they're in a place
of crisis, because I think often we don't do that,
(15:32):
and it's work. Relationships are work, you know. I think
that there's a statistic and I can't quote where this
came from, but I believe it's they say seven years
couples wait seven years before they seek the help of
a therapist, and you know, I would say seven years
and seven years too late. But it's not too late,
if that makes sense, Like it's there's always still hope,
but it's seven years. Like how much easier would the
(15:54):
work be if they started it seven years prior? Right,
if they started it when there were beige flags instead
of red flags?
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Right? Just like I've never heard that actually, So I
know one of the things that you work with or
consider our gender stereotypes. Let's talk about that. How does
that come into your world? What are your thoughts on that?
Speaker 2 (16:15):
I mean, you think that there's tons of them. I
could probably talk for hours about it. I think one
of the ones that stands out the most for me
that is really just kind of in a damaging way
portrayed to us through all types of media is this
idea that you know, men want sex all the time
and women you know, have headaches and are avoiding it.
(16:36):
And I actually, at any given time have more cases
that I'm working with where it's the opposite. But there's
so much shame around that dynamic. Like I think that
you know, when it's the opposite way, when it's the
woman that maybe is like saying she's has less libido
or is less interested in sex, like that's like fits
(16:56):
the norm, and so there's not as much shame around it.
But when it's the opposite way, the shame on both partners,
you know, and hetero sexual couples, you know, where the
man saying like, well, I'm getting these messages that I
should be wanting sex all the time, like what's wrong
with me that I don't want to have sex with
my wife? And the wife's going, you know, the same
messages like what's wrong with me? Like I must be unattractive,
(17:16):
I must be you know, undesirable. And that's why this
is happening. And I think a lot of times people
are they don't they're not talking to their friends about
it because they think they're the only ones. They think
they're living in this bubble and so they live with
that shame for such a long time before you know,
seeking help if they do, hopefully they do and then
it's able to be normalized. But I think that that's
(17:38):
one of the most substantial ones I see, and it's
just reinforced TV movies, the music. I mean, I think
it's starting to shift, but it's still a long way
to go.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
The construct of marriage and within that relationships feels fraught
with It's like a mind field and a sense of
shame and embarrassment. And are you seeing any shifts in
(18:12):
how couples are communicating because communication is obviously key in
a relationship, and it can be really hard, I think difficult,
speaking from my own experience, to keep up this open
(18:33):
channel of communication. You know, what are your thoughts and
know what are you seeing? Now? Are you seeing any
trends you mentioned things might be shifting a little bit,
but speak to that sure.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
I mean, I think that a lot of times couples
will come and I'll do the consultation with them, and
these they might say something along the lines of like, well,
we communicate really well, And a lot of times what
that means is we communicate a lot and a lot
of times that means as we talk a lot, right,
and there I think it's a difference between talking a
lot and communicating, and so what ends up happening I
(19:05):
think a lot of times is that they have been
talking a lot, right, They've been talking a lot, a lot,
a lot for years maybe and not getting anywhere, and
so there's this burnout that's like they're already sort of
in the process of by the time they're seeking out
a therapist where they're like, well, talking doesn't work or
having you know, asking for my needs to be met
doesn't work. Like I've been asking for my needs to
(19:26):
be met for seven years, we'll use that number, and
it's still not changing. And they're not recognizing like subtle
differences that they can make in their communication that might
lead to not always but might lead to the change
that they're looking for. Right.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Well, you mentioned the distinction between communication and talking. Elaborate
on that.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
I think talking a lot of times as a ping
pong match where it's just talking to speak and not
talking to listen. Right, So communication to me is taking
the time to really get a deeper understanding of what
is being talked about. Right, So it's not It's not
on the surface. It's down a level whereas they think
talking is each person is just saying things. Words are
(20:10):
coming out. There's like, you know, articulating something, but the
other person is on the receiving end just trying to
come up with what they're going to say back. And
that's usually where you get a lot of criticism, that
with defensiveness, and then you just get that dance of
like criticism and defensiveness ping ponging back and forth. So
hours could be spent doing that instead of slowing it
(20:32):
all down and really taking the time to be curious,
ask questions, go deeper, try to understand, you know, where
these sort of feelings come from, how far back they go,
how familiar they are, are they familiar outside the relationship, like,
you know, just going deeper in the conversation to understand,
(20:53):
like where are the needs that are being expressed coming from.
You know, it's a lot easier to want to come
towards your partner when you understand the why and the
full picture of what they're asking for. Then just to
hear it as a criticism, I'm doing something wrong and
I'm supposed to change it right?
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Can you give us an example, maybe kind of like
a sketch of people you worked with, how this might play. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Sure. So if for example, there's a couple and maybe
the you know one partner has had a history of
being cheated on a previous relationship, right, so they're very
anxious there. They're anxiety is what's kind of driving a
(21:42):
lot of their behavior. If they're communicating or talking and
they're saying, well, I don't want you to go out
with your friends, or I don't I don't want you
to I need to know where you are, I need
to you need to report back to me, or you're
saying any of these things that might be coming out
of a place of anxiety. To the partner, it's going
to just feel like control, right, And if they take
(22:05):
that down an extra layer and they can go to
the more vulnerable place of I get really scared when
I don't know who you're with because it reminds me
of these times in the past, or I didn't know
where my partner was and they were cheating on me.
And so when you're out, I'm really struggling with a
lot of anxiety. The request is, now, will you help me,
(22:28):
you know, manage my anxiety. Right, it's not coming from
and you know, I'm not about control, and I don't,
you know, want to sound like I'm promoting, like you know,
keep tabs on your partner. But I think that like
hearing it from that perspective is more likely to lead
to a place of compromise for the sake of decreasing
(22:49):
the anxiety, versus maybe more passive aggressive approach of like
I'm not telling you where I am, Like you don't
need to know where I am, Like I'm not doing anything,
so I don't need to report back to you. That
sort of like energetic ping pong match that I think
comes when we're up here in our secondary emotions rather
than on our sort of primary like vulnerable emotions that
(23:10):
are you know, creating the secondary feelings and behaviors that follow.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Yeah, as you were saying that, that's the word that
was coming up for me, vulnerability, And that can be
really challenging for a lot of us. Right. It's kind
of easier to say I don't want you hanging out
with someone, and it's a different level to say, you
know what I feel so, and so when you do that,
(23:38):
that's that's taking it down a notch. How has your
idea of relationships shifted as you've been doing.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
This work, I mean dramatically. I think like one of
the areas where it's changed the most significantly is around infidelity.
I think I had a very kind of concrete view
before I started really doing a lot of couple's therapy
that you know, once a cheator, are always a cheater,
(24:08):
you know, it's it's you're a bad person. You you know,
just these kind of ideas, which again are like kind
of the normal stereotypes that people talk about all the time.
And yet I work with these couples and it's really
good people. Like they're really good people, and they their
relationship was fractured. They weren't recognizing it was fractured, they
(24:31):
weren't working on it, and they sort of how I
usually will describe it is they both walked up to
the door together and then one person chose to walk
through the door. And that choice of walking through the door,
and actually, you know, committing infidelity is that person's responsibility.
But a lot of times when you look at it,
like they both walk to the door of like not
(24:51):
maybe putting the work into the relationship that was needed.
Not always I think that there's also like character logical
cheaters is kind of what I refer to do it
as is like, you know, someone who just doesn't doesn't
subscribe to the idea of being monogamous in a monogamous relationship, right,
it just feels like they are able to kind of
(25:13):
do what they want and has a history of like
a pattern of repeated infidelity. But I'm talking about the
you know, the couple that they really love each other,
you know, and they really are good people, and they
don't view themselves as someone who would ever commit in fidelity,
and yet they find themselves in the situation where one
person has made those choices, and you know, a lot
(25:34):
of damage is done in those situations. But it's the
pictures is bigger than what I think I had thought
it was when I first started this work.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Yeah, it's it's it's very I mean, I guess one
can of ascribe to some of the common culturally accepted
norms definitions of what a relationship should be, like you know, no,
we're not going to cheat, and you're not going to
(26:07):
cheat on me, and if that happens, then it's over.
That's an extreme example, but it's so complex and for
many of us when we're cheated on. That's hard to
get through. It's hard to get over, absolutely, you know,
it's such a it's such a delicate dance. How And
(26:31):
I guess, right, what are the goals of the couple
that's coming to see you again? Do they want to
get back together? Do they want to move through this? Yeah?
My god, intense. So getting getting back to my question,
you've developed a much more nuanced appreciation and understanding and
(26:53):
definition of what relationships are and can be.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
I guess yeah, And that they evolve, right, like that
they change over time, and that you know, to me,
a healthy relationship is one and where the community real
communication again, like what I was just talking about, where
the communication is occurring as the relationship is evolving, right,
So they're on the same page and they're making decisions
as they're moving forward as a couple, and you know,
(27:20):
ebbing and flowing and you know, kind of doing the
dance together rather than you know, in two different lanes,
which I think is a lot of times what we're
doing in our relationships. We're just in two different lanes
and we're not communicating. We think we're on the same page,
but there's a lot of assumptions being made and communication
is not going in a great way, and so our
needs aren't being met, and then you know, disaster strikes,
(27:43):
and I just think that there's a way that we
could be doing it better. And it is really hard
I say to you know, I say kind of jokingly
to couples all the time, like I think I'm a
really good couple's therapist. I'm not always a great wife,
right like I I'm not always like great in my
own relationship. I talk about this stuff all day long,
and then you know, at night, I still sometimes find
myself being critical or you know, not listening and instead
(28:07):
being defensive. So it's very easy to fall in these
like patterns of behavior. And it's really kind of taking
a very conscious and proactive approach to our relationships that
keeps them in the healthiest lane in some respects.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
You know, I was married for thirteen years and recently
got a divorce, and in some respects it just feels
like an impossibility. It seems like this goal that we're
all striving towards, you know, and you hear about the
(28:44):
examples or you see about the incredible couple who is
able to communicate as they move along their life, and
for the rest of us, it feels like we're surviving
right with the onslaught of daily responsibilities with the kids
and driving here and driving driving there, and it's it's
(29:06):
almost a success and a win that we're able to
sit down together for dinner and and communicate even at
the most elemental level, you know, basic level. But to
do that, you know, to have that incredible relationship where
(29:27):
you are moving along and communicating. Why is that so
challenging for many of us?
Speaker 2 (29:37):
I think a lot of times it's we put our
relationship and again, guilty as charge, we put our relationships
on the back burner. That's the thing that we go, Okay,
I could, I could deal with that later. I've got
all these other fires, you know, and and they're legitimate fires.
I mean, all the things that you you listed, they're
all legitimate. But I think that, like you know, the
(30:00):
things that thrive in our lives are the things that
we put the most energy and effort into. And so
if we stop doing that in our relationship because we think, well,
that's okay, that's that's fine over there, I can come
back to it later, which is a lot of times
what I'm seeing especially with couples that are you know,
(30:21):
maybe like our age. Like I see a lot of
couples that are a lot younger that aren't you know,
there yet, aren't dealing with it yet. But you know
it's like okay, like, you know, we'll deal with that,
we'll deal with our relationship later. And then you know,
they're retired and have nothing in common, right, They've they've
like just they don't even know each other anymore. They've
just drifted apart and they didn't even see the drift happening.
(30:42):
But I think that, you know, we put energy into
the things that are the that we see needing the energy,
and I think that when couples have to really prioritize
their relationship, I talk a lot of times about the
relationship being the nucleus, right, and if you are really
putting a lot of effort and energy into the nucleus,
you need both parties to be doing this. This isn't
like something one person can do. You have two people
(31:04):
that are really like kind of prioritizing the nucleus, then
everything else around it goes a lot easier and smoother. Work, children,
other relationships, family, all of that, Right, But When we
let that sort of fall apart, everything else gets harder
and there's more fires to put out, and then our
focus is even less on the center and more on
the outside. And you know, it just it's it's easy
(31:27):
to spiral in the negative way, it's it's harder to
keep the spiral in a positive direction. And then once
you get it there, to just kind of maintain it.
It's work. It's a lot of work.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
All right, Kendra. I'm talking with Kendra Capalbo. We're talking
about relationships. The I'm going to say it crazy world
of relationships. So how do you work with people and
what capacity? How can people learn more about you and
the work you're doing.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
So I have my practice, which because of licensure obviously
is you know, limited to the states where I'm licensed,
So that's Rhode Island, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Connecticut, and
that's my website. Is the easiest way to reach me
if someone were to live in one of those states,
which is Concierge Couples Counseling dot com. But I have
(32:22):
a new venture that I'm trying to or I'm getting
ready to launch a couple's retreat program, which is more
the proactive approach. So that obviously is not therapy. It's
not meant for couples that are in crisis. It's kind
of meant for the couples that the year one instead
of year seven to kind of go back to what
we talked about before. So couples that are doing all
(32:43):
right right, but recognize that it is work and they
want to keep their relationship in a really healthy place.
And so it's kind of combining like a vacation with
you know, doing some work on the relationship. And the
best way to reach me is through you know, instant
messenger or I'm not a big social media girl, but
the DM on Instagram which is Exclusive Couples Retreats, So yeah,
(33:09):
just people can reach out through there if they're interested.
Also have a website which is Exclusive Couples Retreats dot
com and set up a call and talk about the
possibility of creating a retreat.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
Very cool, all right, We'll have those linked up at
the show notes page here at the Traumatrips podcast dot com. Kendra, awesome,
awesome talking to you. Love to have you back at
a later date. Keep up the date and I really
appreciate you. Thank you so much. All right, take care
Welcome to the Trauma Theapists podcast. My name is gomcpherson.
I interview incredible people who dedicated their lives to helping
those who have been impacted by trauma. Here we go,
So five two one, our folks, welcome back to the podcast.
Very excited to have as my guest today, Kendra Capabo.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Thank you, so happy to be here. Excited, awesome.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
So, Kendra is highly sought after couple's therapists, working with
some of the wealthiest and most accomplished individuals in the
Boston area. While these clients often present polished and perfect
lives to the outside world, they trust Kendrick to help
them navigate the complexities and hidden struggles that exist beneath
the surface of their relationships. Okay, short and sweet, there's
(00:51):
it's the polished and perfect lives. I mean, come on,
all right, before we get into that, let's start out
with you. Where are you from? Originally? I share with
all listeners where you are currently.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
So I'm originally from Rhode Island, grew up raised and
you know, went to school there through high school and
then went to college at Boston University. From there, I
did a little stint with the Peace Corps in Kingston, Jamaica,
which is interesting experience to say the least. Came back
to Rhode Island, went to Colorado for a little while,
and now after Rhode Island, Massachusetts, I'm in Connecticut.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Okay, So I'm noticing behind you you got these plates
cracked put together with what appears to be gold, which
is also echoed on your website. Right now, correct me
if I'm wrong here. That's what the Japanese is it konsugi?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Or what is the Japanese art of kinsugi?
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Knsugi? Okay? So why is that important to you?
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Well? If I get sure? Yeah, if I could share
a quick client story, I'd worked with a couple for
a while. They had gone through some intense trauma in
their relationship. There was a five year affair. They had
done tremendous work, and at one point they said, you know,
would you be willing to these are the things you
don't admit out loud, but would you be willing to
(02:20):
judge our Christmas presence? And of course I should have
said no. What I said sure, And I remember thinking, like,
you know, her love language was gifts and he was
kind of the gift card guy. Right, So I was like,
I don't really know how there's going to be much
of a competition, but I was intrigued. So they came
back to the to the session after they had exchanged gifts,
(02:40):
and she sat down and looked at me and she
said I lost. I said really, And she told me
what she had gotten him, and it was a very thoughtful,
wonderful gift. And then he shared that he had had
a vase made for her in the in the art
of kinsugi. So that was my first introduction to do it,
(03:01):
and you know, I started reading about it. I thought
it was beautiful and just all that it symbolizes in
terms of taking things that are broken, putting them back together,
and not just putting them back together, but putting them
back together in a way that makes them stronger and
more valuable and more beautiful, and highlighting in essence the
fractures instead of trying to ignore them e pretend like
(03:22):
they don't exist. And so I really kind of adopted
that as my kind of philosophy of couples there.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Hm, wow, very cool, what a great intro. So let's okay,
how did this start for you? How the heck did
you get into this this field and specialization.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
I took the long path here. So I originally wanted
to be a veterinarian. I mentioned I went to Boston University.
I was supposed to go to Virginia Tech, and you know,
as the universe works, I kind of freaked out decided
last minute I didn't want to go there. Ended up
at bu Greade School. But culture shock for me. I
had come from a school where I graduated with thirty nine,
(04:04):
and all of a sudden, I'm thrown into you know,
a biology class of eight hundred as pre med and
because I had applied so late, I ended up in
like upper classmen housing, so it didn't really meet any
classmates and basically stopped going to class, which I don't advise.
It's not a not a great freshman year experience. But
when I realized that the chances of getting into vetinary
(04:27):
school were like slim to none, after my first semester,
I transferred into psychology. And then I had a supervisor
after the Peace Corps that was a social worker, and
she you know said, this is like a really broad field.
So I decided to get my master's what social work? Yeah,
(04:49):
social work. I think she sort of swayed me away
from psychology, just sort of saying that there. You know,
there's so many options as there are for psychology as well,
but like you know, I didn't re you know, what
I wanted to do at the time. I thought maybe
work with kids, and I ended up doing I went
to grad school and he did an internship working with Parolis.
(05:10):
My dad had worked in a prison as a correction officer,
and I thought that this is interesting, so I did an
internship to internships, as a matter of fact, working with
Paroli sex offenders. But in that time in grad school,
I also did a like a certification program which I
did not complete at the time, for marriage and family therapy,
(05:32):
and I loved it, but I started put it on
the back burner.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Hang On, hang on, hang on, Why did you love it?
What about it?
Speaker 2 (05:40):
I don't I just I don't know it was it
just intrigued me, like I think that you know, our
our romantic relationships are so complex. The family therapy stuff
overwhelmed me, if I'm being honest, Like that was never
felt like something that was felt like too much for me.
But just having a couple in front of me, right,
like the idea that you can't hide sort of right,
(06:02):
Like you go to individual therapy and you bring what
you bring and your therapist has that information and that
information most times that's all they have. And with couple's therapy,
you know, you can't hide, like you can't say like, oh,
everything's fine, because there's another person unless they're like agreeing
to sort of hide things like you have another person
that's bringing things to the table and seeing their interactions
(06:25):
in real time, right, And so I always understand that
they're usually I hope a little bit diminished from what
looks it looks like at home. You know, they're putting
a little bit of a show on for a therapist,
I think. But there's just something about watching the tapes.
There's a lot of Gotman stuff. At that time, a
lot of the training was around the Gotmin method and
(06:45):
just watching the tapes and the observations that they were making.
I just it's something about it was really attractive to
me energizing. But I didn't do it right away. I
ended up taking a job at a prison where I
worked for fifteen years. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Yeah, it's where.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
In Rhode Island. So Rhode Island's systems because it's just
such a small state it's kind of like one one system,
so you're assigned to a building, but you technically work
in all of them, so it's not like other states
where there's you'd be very like particular about where you're working.
I kind of worked in all the buildings, but ended
the career in the maximum men's security so for fifteen years.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Yeah, what an experience. What were some of your takeaways
from that?
Speaker 2 (07:35):
I mean, I think interestingly, like I think one of
the things that's that's really interesting about my journey, and
like I mentioned the Peace Corps, whereas you know, which
is working with some of the just people with the
just such tragic lives and such poverty, like poverty, like
it's just unimaginable poverty nothing I had ever seen and
probably will ever see again. And then working in the
(07:57):
prison and sort of all the trauma that exists in
that environment, and now working like, you know, kind of
with on some levels what looks like the complete opposite
in terms of the clientele I have now. But it's
really interesting is all the like threads that like run
through because at the end of the day, we're just
humans and we're just like moving through the world, you know,
with our own narrative of our own experiences and trying
(08:18):
to do the best we can. But it was it
was an incredible experience. I think I learned a lot.
I think I learned a lot about myself. I think
I learned a lot about myself as a therapist in
that environment. It really pushes you, I would say, in
ways that maybe other jobs don't or couldn't.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
So, yeah, you at some point switched, if we can
use that word, into specializing and working with couples. You
mentioned the Gottman method. Can you just give us a
brief thumbnail for our listeners of what that is?
Speaker 2 (08:57):
So I usually describe it to client when i'm you know,
kind of explaining the methods I use. As the more
pragmatic approach, I lean more heavily on emotionally focused couple's
therapy at this point in my career. The Gotment method is,
you know, sort of very like pragmatic strategies of like
ways to communicate, I would say, likes the primary where
I use it, you know, ways to manage conflict, recognizing
(09:23):
that conflict can't be avoided. I think too often in
our relationships, you know, we sort of have the idea
that like a healthy relationship is one where there's no
fighting and there's no arguing, and I just think that
that's not realistic. And the goal, you know, and the
Gotment's talk about a lot is the idea of managing conflict,
being able to like communicate about issues as they come
up in a way that leave space for you know,
(09:44):
both partners experiences and feelings. So it's just a lot
of you know, how to frame conversations, how to you know,
talk about like perpetual problems that come up in the relationship,
how to structure conversations, and then a lot of the
connection pieces of rituals of connection, and you know, really
(10:07):
making sure to keep knowing each other and being curious
about each other's experiences and not just assuming that because
you know, you knew knew your spouse when you first
met that you still know then that we grow and
learning about each other, you know, through that whole process.
So that's kind of the summary I usually will give clients.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Cool, Okay, I appreciate that. So how did you morph
into working with them?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
So I started just doing private practice on the side,
just to get a taste of working with clients that
were really interested in working with me. Because in the
prison it's a lot of a lot of times, especially
towards the second two thirds of my career, it was
very much dictated by the prison system. So I had
to see who I was told to see rather than
(10:55):
even sometimes who was asking to be seen. So I
started doing that to just kind of kind of tap
into something that felt unfulfilled in the prison war in
the prison system, and so I started doing just private practice,
a lot of individual work, but started you know, getting
I handed a few cases that were with couples. I
always left energized. I always left those that everybody else
(11:17):
would talk about who drained they felt from a couple's therapy.
I felt like energized, but also recognized didn't really know
what I was doing. It's just a different you know.
I had that sort of limited experience of training when
I was in grad school, but really knew I needed
a lot more to be confident in that field. So
I sought it out, strained, finished the training and the
(11:39):
Gotman method, completed the e f T training, have done
a slew of other trainings along the way, and just
decided like, this is what I'm passionate about, and why
do anything else If you could do what you love
all the time.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Yeah, I mean I love that that you were like
energized from that. That's that's that's so odd when you're
doing something and you experience something and you get energized
from it. So when I was seeing clients and pursuing that,
I really liked working with couples too. Now I want
to dive into a little more about what energized you
(12:15):
for me. You know, you talked about like you didn't
use this term, but you're in the moment in a sense, right,
you can't hide. And I loved kind of facilitating that
discussion and more than the discussion, just the the facilitating
the in the moment relationship and seeing and just observing that.
(12:40):
But what was it about it for you that just
so energized.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
I mean, I think it's a lot of the same.
There's just something you know, it's hard, it's really really
challenging work, and there's something there's something humbling about being
invited into someone's most intimate parts of their of their
own lives. They're you know, that sort of a relationship
and bearing witness to it. And I often say, like
(13:05):
I think that the job a lot of times of
a couple's therapist is like to hold the hope when
they can't see it. You know, I'm always working from
the premise of if they're telling me they're trying to
make the relationship work, that's my goal as well, so
until they tell me otherwise, because obviously sometimes couples are
looking to have help, you know, partying or going their
separate ways, co parenting, things like that. But if they're
(13:26):
telling me that they're trying to make the relationship work,
to be invited in, to be a witness to and
to help facilitate them coming back together is the most
beautiful thing that like, I can't even express it, right, Like,
it's just this such deeply intimate moments that like I
get to be part of in some way and help
and see. You know, couples like the couple I referenced earlier,
(13:49):
you know, come from such a dark place and truly
like embody the concept of like kinsugi and like genuinely
being in a better place than they were any other time
in their relationship. Right, So not just a better place
than they were when they started seeing me, and at
better place than they were and any other time in
their relationship. Communicating in a different way, their intimacy being
(14:12):
like so much deeper and more connected, and not just
about sex, just all aspects of their relationship being like
more beautiful. Just to be a part of that, I get, like,
it's just it's it doesn't get old. I love it.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Yeah, there's a I think there's this common adage in
the couple's therapy realm. It goes like, if a couple
is coming to see you, it's like almost too late.
You know, is there truth to that? I mean, obviously
there are so many different variables in all of this,
(14:48):
but what are your thoughts on that?
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Well? I never think it's too late. I probably wouldn't
be a couple's therapists if I thought it was too late.
It would be sort of sadistic. But I think that
it it's not ideal, right, Like, I think it's a
very I think couple's therapy tends to be a very
reactive approach to relationship. And I'm, you know, really trying
(15:10):
to find a way within my career to head in
a more proactive way. So I don't want to stop
working with the reactive. I love helping people kind of
come out of crisis. But you know, what are the
ways to help people see the value and really investing
in working on their relationship before they're in a place
of crisis, because I think often we don't do that,
(15:32):
and it's work. Relationships are work, you know. I think
that there's a statistic and I can't quote where this
came from, but I believe it's they say seven years
couples wait seven years before they seek the help of
a therapist, and you know, I would say seven years
and seven years too late. But it's not too late,
if that makes sense, Like it's there's always still hope,
but it's seven years. Like how much easier would the
(15:54):
work be if they started it seven years prior? Right,
if they started it when there were beige flags instead
of red flags?
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Right? Just like I've never heard that actually, So I
know one of the things that you work with or
consider our gender stereotypes. Let's talk about that. How does
that come into your world? What are your thoughts on that?
Speaker 2 (16:15):
I mean, you think that there's tons of them. I
could probably talk for hours about it. I think one
of the ones that stands out the most for me
that is really just kind of in a damaging way
portrayed to us through all types of media is this
idea that you know, men want sex all the time
and women you know, have headaches and are avoiding it.
(16:36):
And I actually, at any given time have more cases
that I'm working with where it's the opposite. But there's
so much shame around that dynamic. Like I think that
you know, when it's the opposite way, when it's the
woman that maybe is like saying she's has less libido
or is less interested in sex, like that's like fits
(16:56):
the norm, and so there's not as much shame around it.
But when it's the opposite way, the shame on both partners,
you know, and hetero sexual couples, you know, where the
man saying like, well, I'm getting these messages that I
should be wanting sex all the time, like what's wrong
with me that I don't want to have sex with
my wife? And the wife's going, you know, the same
messages like what's wrong with me? Like I must be unattractive,
(17:16):
I must be you know, undesirable. And that's why this
is happening. And I think a lot of times people
are they don't they're not talking to their friends about
it because they think they're the only ones. They think
they're living in this bubble and so they live with
that shame for such a long time before you know,
seeking help if they do, hopefully they do and then
it's able to be normalized. But I think that that's
(17:38):
one of the most substantial ones I see, and it's
just reinforced TV movies, the music. I mean, I think
it's starting to shift, but it's still a long way
to go.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
The construct of marriage and within that relationships feels fraught
with It's like a mind field and a sense of
shame and embarrassment. And are you seeing any shifts in
(18:12):
how couples are communicating because communication is obviously key in
a relationship, and it can be really hard, I think difficult,
speaking from my own experience, to keep up this open
(18:33):
channel of communication. You know, what are your thoughts and
know what are you seeing? Now? Are you seeing any
trends you mentioned things might be shifting a little bit,
but speak to that sure.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
I mean, I think that a lot of times couples
will come and I'll do the consultation with them, and
these they might say something along the lines of like, well,
we communicate really well, And a lot of times what
that means is we communicate a lot and a lot
of times that means as we talk a lot, right,
and there I think it's a difference between talking a
lot and communicating, and so what ends up happening I
(19:05):
think a lot of times is that they have been
talking a lot, right, They've been talking a lot, a lot,
a lot for years maybe and not getting anywhere, and
so there's this burnout that's like they're already sort of
in the process of by the time they're seeking out
a therapist where they're like, well, talking doesn't work or
having you know, asking for my needs to be met
doesn't work. Like I've been asking for my needs to
(19:26):
be met for seven years, we'll use that number, and
it's still not changing. And they're not recognizing like subtle
differences that they can make in their communication that might
lead to not always but might lead to the change
that they're looking for. Right.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Well, you mentioned the distinction between communication and talking. Elaborate
on that.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
I think talking a lot of times as a ping
pong match where it's just talking to speak and not
talking to listen. Right, So communication to me is taking
the time to really get a deeper understanding of what
is being talked about. Right, So it's not It's not
on the surface. It's down a level whereas they think
talking is each person is just saying things. Words are
(20:10):
coming out. There's like, you know, articulating something, but the
other person is on the receiving end just trying to
come up with what they're going to say back. And
that's usually where you get a lot of criticism, that
with defensiveness, and then you just get that dance of
like criticism and defensiveness ping ponging back and forth. So
hours could be spent doing that instead of slowing it
(20:32):
all down and really taking the time to be curious,
ask questions, go deeper, try to understand, you know, where
these sort of feelings come from, how far back they go,
how familiar they are, are they familiar outside the relationship, like,
you know, just going deeper in the conversation to understand,
(20:53):
like where are the needs that are being expressed coming from.
You know, it's a lot easier to want to come
towards your partner when you understand the why and the
full picture of what they're asking for. Then just to
hear it as a criticism, I'm doing something wrong and
I'm supposed to change it right?
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Can you give us an example, maybe kind of like
a sketch of people you worked with, how this might play. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Sure. So if for example, there's a couple and maybe
the you know one partner has had a history of
being cheated on a previous relationship, right, so they're very
anxious there. They're anxiety is what's kind of driving a
(21:42):
lot of their behavior. If they're communicating or talking and
they're saying, well, I don't want you to go out
with your friends, or I don't I don't want you
to I need to know where you are, I need
to you need to report back to me, or you're
saying any of these things that might be coming out
of a place of anxiety. To the partner, it's going
to just feel like control, right, And if they take
(22:05):
that down an extra layer and they can go to
the more vulnerable place of I get really scared when
I don't know who you're with because it reminds me
of these times in the past, or I didn't know
where my partner was and they were cheating on me.
And so when you're out, I'm really struggling with a
lot of anxiety. The request is, now, will you help me,
(22:28):
you know, manage my anxiety. Right, it's not coming from
and you know, I'm not about control, and I don't,
you know, want to sound like I'm promoting, like you know,
keep tabs on your partner. But I think that like
hearing it from that perspective is more likely to lead
to a place of compromise for the sake of decreasing
(22:49):
the anxiety, versus maybe more passive aggressive approach of like
I'm not telling you where I am, Like you don't
need to know where I am, Like I'm not doing anything,
so I don't need to report back to you. That
sort of like energetic ping pong match that I think
comes when we're up here in our secondary emotions rather
than on our sort of primary like vulnerable emotions that
(23:10):
are you know, creating the secondary feelings and behaviors that follow.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Yeah, as you were saying that, that's the word that
was coming up for me, vulnerability, And that can be
really challenging for a lot of us. Right. It's kind
of easier to say I don't want you hanging out
with someone, and it's a different level to say, you
know what I feel so, and so when you do that,
(23:38):
that's that's taking it down a notch. How has your
idea of relationships shifted as you've been doing.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
This work, I mean dramatically. I think like one of
the areas where it's changed the most significantly is around infidelity.
I think I had a very kind of concrete view
before I started really doing a lot of couple's therapy
that you know, once a cheator, are always a cheater,
(24:08):
you know, it's it's you're a bad person. You you know,
just these kind of ideas, which again are like kind
of the normal stereotypes that people talk about all the time.
And yet I work with these couples and it's really
good people. Like they're really good people, and they their
relationship was fractured. They weren't recognizing it was fractured, they
(24:31):
weren't working on it, and they sort of how I
usually will describe it is they both walked up to
the door together and then one person chose to walk
through the door. And that choice of walking through the door,
and actually, you know, committing infidelity is that person's responsibility.
But a lot of times when you look at it,
like they both walk to the door of like not
(24:51):
maybe putting the work into the relationship that was needed.
Not always I think that there's also like character logical
cheaters is kind of what I refer to do it
as is like, you know, someone who just doesn't doesn't
subscribe to the idea of being monogamous in a monogamous relationship, right,
it just feels like they are able to kind of
(25:13):
do what they want and has a history of like
a pattern of repeated infidelity. But I'm talking about the
you know, the couple that they really love each other,
you know, and they really are good people, and they
don't view themselves as someone who would ever commit in fidelity,
and yet they find themselves in the situation where one
person has made those choices, and you know, a lot
(25:34):
of damage is done in those situations. But it's the
pictures is bigger than what I think I had thought
it was when I first started this work.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Yeah, it's it's it's very I mean, I guess one
can of ascribe to some of the common culturally accepted
norms definitions of what a relationship should be, like you know, no,
we're not going to cheat, and you're not going to
(26:07):
cheat on me, and if that happens, then it's over.
That's an extreme example, but it's so complex and for
many of us when we're cheated on. That's hard to
get through. It's hard to get over, absolutely, you know,
it's such a it's such a delicate dance. How And
(26:31):
I guess, right, what are the goals of the couple
that's coming to see you again? Do they want to
get back together? Do they want to move through this? Yeah?
My god, intense. So getting getting back to my question,
you've developed a much more nuanced appreciation and understanding and
(26:53):
definition of what relationships are and can be.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
I guess yeah, And that they evolve, right, like that
they change over time, and that you know, to me,
a healthy relationship is one and where the community real
communication again, like what I was just talking about, where
the communication is occurring as the relationship is evolving, right,
So they're on the same page and they're making decisions
as they're moving forward as a couple, and you know,
(27:20):
ebbing and flowing and you know, kind of doing the
dance together rather than you know, in two different lanes,
which I think is a lot of times what we're
doing in our relationships. We're just in two different lanes
and we're not communicating. We think we're on the same page,
but there's a lot of assumptions being made and communication
is not going in a great way, and so our
needs aren't being met, and then you know, disaster strikes,
(27:43):
and I just think that there's a way that we
could be doing it better. And it is really hard
I say to you know, I say kind of jokingly
to couples all the time, like I think I'm a
really good couple's therapist. I'm not always a great wife,
right like I I'm not always like great in my
own relationship. I talk about this stuff all day long,
and then you know, at night, I still sometimes find
myself being critical or you know, not listening and instead
(28:07):
being defensive. So it's very easy to fall in these
like patterns of behavior. And it's really kind of taking
a very conscious and proactive approach to our relationships that
keeps them in the healthiest lane in some respects.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
You know, I was married for thirteen years and recently
got a divorce, and in some respects it just feels
like an impossibility. It seems like this goal that we're
all striving towards, you know, and you hear about the
(28:44):
examples or you see about the incredible couple who is
able to communicate as they move along their life, and
for the rest of us, it feels like we're surviving
right with the onslaught of daily responsibilities with the kids
and driving here and driving driving there, and it's it's
(29:06):
almost a success and a win that we're able to
sit down together for dinner and and communicate even at
the most elemental level, you know, basic level. But to
do that, you know, to have that incredible relationship where
(29:27):
you are moving along and communicating. Why is that so
challenging for many of us?
Speaker 2 (29:37):
I think a lot of times it's we put our
relationship and again, guilty as charge, we put our relationships
on the back burner. That's the thing that we go, Okay,
I could, I could deal with that later. I've got
all these other fires, you know, and and they're legitimate fires.
I mean, all the things that you you listed, they're
all legitimate. But I think that, like you know, the
(30:00):
things that thrive in our lives are the things that
we put the most energy and effort into. And so
if we stop doing that in our relationship because we think, well,
that's okay, that's that's fine over there, I can come
back to it later, which is a lot of times
what I'm seeing especially with couples that are you know,
(30:21):
maybe like our age. Like I see a lot of
couples that are a lot younger that aren't you know,
there yet, aren't dealing with it yet. But you know
it's like okay, like, you know, we'll deal with that,
we'll deal with our relationship later. And then you know,
they're retired and have nothing in common, right, They've they've
like just they don't even know each other anymore. They've
just drifted apart and they didn't even see the drift happening.
(30:42):
But I think that, you know, we put energy into
the things that are the that we see needing the energy,
and I think that when couples have to really prioritize
their relationship, I talk a lot of times about the
relationship being the nucleus, right, and if you are really
putting a lot of effort and energy into the nucleus,
you need both parties to be doing this. This isn't
like something one person can do. You have two people
(31:04):
that are really like kind of prioritizing the nucleus, then
everything else around it goes a lot easier and smoother. Work, children,
other relationships, family, all of that, Right, But When we
let that sort of fall apart, everything else gets harder
and there's more fires to put out, and then our
focus is even less on the center and more on
the outside. And you know, it just it's it's easy
(31:27):
to spiral in the negative way, it's it's harder to
keep the spiral in a positive direction. And then once
you get it there, to just kind of maintain it.
It's work. It's a lot of work.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
All right, Kendra. I'm talking with Kendra Capalbo. We're talking
about relationships. The I'm going to say it crazy world
of relationships. So how do you work with people and
what capacity? How can people learn more about you and
the work you're doing.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
So I have my practice, which because of licensure obviously
is you know, limited to the states where I'm licensed,
So that's Rhode Island, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Connecticut, and
that's my website. Is the easiest way to reach me
if someone were to live in one of those states,
which is Concierge Couples Counseling dot com. But I have
(32:22):
a new venture that I'm trying to or I'm getting
ready to launch a couple's retreat program, which is more
the proactive approach. So that obviously is not therapy. It's
not meant for couples that are in crisis. It's kind
of meant for the couples that the year one instead
of year seven to kind of go back to what
we talked about before. So couples that are doing all
(32:43):
right right, but recognize that it is work and they
want to keep their relationship in a really healthy place.
And so it's kind of combining like a vacation with
you know, doing some work on the relationship. And the
best way to reach me is through you know, instant
messenger or I'm not a big social media girl, but
the DM on Instagram which is Exclusive Couples Retreats, So yeah,
(33:09):
just people can reach out through there if they're interested.
Also have a website which is Exclusive Couples Retreats dot
com and set up a call and talk about the
possibility of creating a retreat.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
Very cool, all right, We'll have those linked up at
the show notes page here at the Traumatrips podcast dot com. Kendra, awesome,
awesome talking to you. Love to have you back at
a later date. Keep up the date and I really
appreciate you. Thank you so much. All right, take care
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