September 26, 2025 • 27 mins
Trinity Lease is a memoir author from rural Minnesota whose writing is rooted in raw truth, resilience, and healing. Her debut book, Beneath the Silence, explores her personal journey through childhood trauma, addiction, and the long road to recovery.
Trinity is a proud wife, mom to two amazing little boys, and caretaker to three beloved fur babies. When she’s not writing, she’s working toward her bachelor’s degree in Social Work with plans to become a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor (LADC). Through her story, Trinity hopes to give a voice to the unheard and inspire others to rise above their past.
In This Episode
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Click here to join my email list and receive podcast updates and other news.
Trinity is a proud wife, mom to two amazing little boys, and caretaker to three beloved fur babies. When she’s not writing, she’s working toward her bachelor’s degree in Social Work with plans to become a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor (LADC). Through her story, Trinity hopes to give a voice to the unheard and inspire others to rise above their past.
In This Episode
A giant thank you to our sponsors:
Jane App: A free data import? Now that’s what we’re talking about! 👏
Jane is a clinic management software and EMR that guarantees no surprises. When you sign up, you won’t have to pay for your data import or onboarding support, and there won’t be any set-up fees or contracts that tie you in.See why Jane is the EMR that isn’t too good to be true at Jane App - Practice Management Software for Health & Wellness Practitioners and use code GUY1MO at check out.
Journey Clinical: At Journey Clinical, we partner with licensed mental health professionals across the U.S. to safely bring KAP into practice. Our collaborative care model provides prescribing, monitoring, and medical oversight, so you can stay fully focused on guiding your clients.Visit join.journeyclinical.com/trauma to learn more and receive a month off your membership.
Academy of Therapy Wisdom:
Ready to revolutionize trauma therapy with Academy of Therapy Wisdom?!
In the Trauma Wisdom Circle: Monthly deep dives into trauma issues by world-renowned professionals. Regular self-care sessions tailored for you, including yoga, breath work, and meditation. Stay informed with the latest research and treatment techniques. Connect with fellow professionals and share insights.The Trauma Therapist Podcast listeners can join for just $1.00! http://therapywisdom.com/circle
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-trauma-therapist--5739761/support.
You can learn more about what I do here:
The Trauma Therapist Newsletter: celebrates the people and voices in the mental health profession. And it's free! Check it out here: https://bit.ly/4jGBeSa
———
If you’d like to support The Trauma Therapist Podcast and the work I do you can do that here with a monthly donation of $5, $7, or $10: Donate to The Trauma Therapist Podcast.
Click here to join my email list and receive podcast updates and other news.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Trauma Trips podcast. My name is Go Macpherson.
I interview incredible people who dedicated their lives to helping
those who've been impacted by trauma. Here we go, so
five four, three, two and one, our folks, welcome back
to the podcast. I'm very excited to as my guest today.
Trinity Leased Trinity, Welcome, Hi.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Thank you so much for the opportunity.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Awesome. So. Trinity is a memoir author from rural Minnesota
whose writing is rooted in raw truth, resilience, and healing.
Her debut book, Beneath the Silence explores her personal journey
through chrial to trauma, addiction, and the long road to recovery.
Trinity is a proud wife, mom to two amazing little
boys and caretaker to three beloved for her babies. When
(00:47):
she's not writing, she's working to her a bachelor's degree
in social work with plants to become a licensed alcohol
and drug counselor. Through her story, Trinity helps to give
a voice to the unheard and inspire others to rise
above the pas. Love that bio, super inspiring, short, succinct, awesome,
Well done. Trinity, Welcome again. Before we go and share
(01:09):
with the listeners where you're from originally and where you
are currently.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
So originally I am from the Detroit Lakes, Minnesota area.
I kind of hopped around like all the towns near it.
But currently I reside in Hendrum, Minnesota, and that's about
halfway between Grand Forks, North Dakota and Fargo, North Dakota.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
So I'm kind of a little bit more rural than
I used to be. But it's a nice town.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
It is a very low population, more safety for my children,
and just a really nice community.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Awesome, all right, so let's continue it here. How did
all this start for you?
Speaker 2 (01:53):
So?
Speaker 3 (01:53):
I did not grow up having the best childhood, obviously,
you know, I dealt with a lot of childhood trauma
into my young adulthood where I started my drug addiction.
I have been in recovery since twenty eighteen from ivy use,
so that's a pretty big thing. I just hit seven
years in May, and most of my family unfortunately has
(02:16):
some form of addiction in some way, shape or form,
and they a lot of them didn't make it out
like I did. And so just seeing other people struggle
and not have the support that I did just really
gave me a passion to want to go out in
the community and to want to provide the advocacy and
the support. So I started working in mental health in
(02:40):
twenty twenty one, I believe. I worked at a psychiat
or a psychiatric board in Fargo, North Dakota, and so
I was still pretty young. I was like nineteen, so
I was very fresh in my recovery and then I
kind of just took off from there. I got my
associates in criminal justice, and I'm currently my bachelor's social work.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
I'm a housing case manager right now.
Speaker 3 (03:04):
So it really just gives me a nice, diverse population
to work with that actually wants my help and needs
my help. Because recovery is possible, you know, sometimes we
just need a little extra support in different areas.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
So going back little, I mean, you talked about your
childhood being tense, fraught with trauma. You can use that expression.
How did you manage as a young kid? What and
I manage? How did you deal with that?
Speaker 2 (03:44):
It was really hard.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
So my one of my biggest chapters in my book
is called The Weight of Survival, and that is centered
around my stepdad.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
He passed the weight.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
The weight okay, yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
And so in my book, I changed everybody's name, so
I will refer to him as Calvin. He died in
twenty sixteen from cancer, and to sound bluntly, it was
probably the best thing. It saved my life, because not
only did I endure a lot of verbal and emotional abuse,
(04:20):
there's a lot of physical abuse. Because he was the
biological dad of my three younger siblings, who was not
my dad, and so because I was not his child,
I was essentially a target. And my mom worked two jobs,
so she was almost never around, so basically when she
was at work, it was all on me, things thrown
(04:41):
at me, name calling. I remember I was twelve years old,
completely flat chested as a board, you know, pre puberty,
and I was the biggest lunt ever for putting on
my first bikini and I had not even have been
close to being sexually active at that point. I have
struggled with depression a lot. I used to self harm
(05:04):
very often, so I have lots and lots of scars.
I do have a forearm sleeve that covers a good
section of them, and so honestly, I just tried to
survive through the day because I also had four younger
siblings that I had to make sure, say safe, So
I took the blunt end so they didn't.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
And excuse me during this, how old are we talking?
Speaker 3 (05:33):
They started dating and got married very shortly after they
started dating.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
I believe I was five.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
So it was eleven years of all of this until
he died abruptly in twenty sixteen.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Wow, okay, so you're at twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen? This
is going on? Are you? Does anyone know? Does your
mom know? Oh?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
My mom was very aware.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
They used to fight a lot about it, a lot
of stop targeting my daughter, and then he would be
chill for like a little bit, try to kiss them,
but be nice. And then as because he was also
a drug user, so he heavily used meth and drank
if he didn't have meth, and so when he would drink,
he would get me. If he was using meth, he
(06:26):
would just hide and leave people alone.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
But the second he was out, I'll bet her off.
So my mom was aware.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
But also she had two other baby daddies like my
biological dad, My sister had a different dad and then him.
He was the dad to the three younger kids. She
did not She refused to be a single mother again,
and she refused to go through another marriage.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
So it was too bad for you.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
You know, I'm not going to be a single mom
and You're just gonna have to deal with it.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
When did drug you start for you?
Speaker 3 (07:08):
I started experimenting with weed and pills when I was
probably thirteen. Pills were a really big problem for me.
That was my drug of choice, opiy. It's for a
while there, just because I could get them, and it
really my drug nition skyrocketed when he was sick because
(07:30):
eventually he couldn't orally take his pain medications and he
was unconscious, so there was bottles and bottles of morphine
and OxyS and he couldn't take them. So I would
just go in his room because he wasn't conscious, and
I would take them. And I would start taking, you know,
just a couple so no one noticed. Then it was
(07:51):
bottles after bottles after bottles.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
And then.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
This was around fifteen sixteen at that time that it
really kind of just like took off, right, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
No were and whenever your friends aware of what was
going on, We'll talk a little bit about that.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
I was kind of very closed off just because it
was more embarrassing too. I really didn't like bringing people
to my house because he didn't care if I had
friends over, like he was going to act how he
was going to act, And so it was just quite
embarrassing to try to rush my friends out the door
or just be like, no, you can't sleep over because
(08:37):
you know, my stepdad might throw something at me and
you might get hit with it because you're standing next
to me.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
So I was very.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Limited on friends. I usually hung out with other adults,
So I when I was sixteen, I was probably hanging
out with like twenty eight year olds who was supplying
me the drugs in the marijuana, and so that was
my say. I would go to their house and we
would just hang out and party, and that was kind
(09:06):
of just my little bit of peace.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
When did and how did you start thinking about help?
And what did that look like? Did you ever think
of I mean, were you thinking at all like, oh
my god, I need to get some kind of help,
I need to get some therapy or what if will.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
When I started using meth, I was in therapy as
a sixteen year old, and this is I dropped out
my senior year, my originally scheduled senior year. I would
call myself in as my mom, Oh she has an appointment.
Oh she's not feeling good, you know, just because I
was so joke sick that I couldn't go to school.
(09:51):
And I, I guess what you could call a responsible crackhead.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
I didn't drive while I was high.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
I didn't go in places that were unsafe while I
was using dr I was very secluded and I would
only used drugs with people who I know would keep
me safe. And so it kind of I dropped out
and then I moved with my boyfriend and we were
homeless for a while, and we were still using drugs
(10:17):
at that time. And then eventually it just kind of
the high got sick, Like I just kind of got
over it, Like I was like, this isn't fun anymore.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Like I still.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
I stopped using it a couple months before I turned eighteen,
because May eleventh, twenty eighteen, was the last time that
I used MATH and I turned eighteen to Lie of
twenty eighteen.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
And as you said, it was just you were just
getting tired of it.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
Sick of it, yeah, because the paranoia, it gets so intense,
Like we were in an apartment and looking out the
blinds three locks down. I would think someone's looking through
the apartment window when I know it wasn't physically possible
for someone to see that far, or like sounds and
people like pinging into your phone, or and then just
(11:13):
being around. We kind of got into some dangerous situations
with like a bigger drug dealer where we had to
call the police, and so just all of the factors.
I was like, I feel like I need to be sober.
I think we need to get sober, and so me
and my now husband got sober together.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
It definitely was a process.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
We tried cold turkey, but you know, relapses happen, so
it ebbs and flows, but it kind of just we
were just kind of over it, honestly.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
And was there a point at which you like went
into rehab.
Speaker 4 (11:54):
Uh?
Speaker 3 (11:54):
No, I didn't because I was still a minor and
my mom was very unaware of my drug use up
until I was way sober.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Like my mom knew that I had used.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
Meth a few times because she drug tested me and
then I got grounded and all that stuff, but she
was not aware to the.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Amounts of.
Speaker 4 (12:19):
It.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
She's kind of thought I did it once and then whatever.
And as an adult. You know, I disclosed to her,
and obviously she read my book and had a lot
of questions, so she was not aware.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
And I felt like if I asked to.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
Go to rehab, it would have been a bigger issue
because we weren't big on talking about feelings, So even
just to go to therapy as a teenager was a fight.
And so if I would have said I need to
go to treatment, she probably would have said something of oh,
you're not an addict or oh you're fine, it'll be
fine type of thing. And so honestly, it was more
(12:55):
of just a power struggle internally. But I knew deep
down that I didn't want to be like my stepdad,
and if I kept going on the road that I
was on, that's my where, that's my where I had
ended up to be.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Let me just remind everyone speaking with Trinity Lease, her
book is called Beneath the Silence. So Trinity talk to
us about the genesis of the book. How did you
get to a point where you're like, I want to
or I need to or have to write this book.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
So actually I was in my very first social work
class of my bachelor's last fall, I believe, and I
would write a lot of my papers based on my
experiences just because you know, it would really link to it.
And I had this professor who was absolutely amazing. She
would directly email me every time that I submitted something,
(13:50):
and she would just be like, oh my gosh, I
can't believe that this happened to you. I can't believe
that you've accomplished all these things. You should write about it.
And I'm like, what I want to do that? That's weird,
that's crazy, no way. And then she just was very
persistent and just kept like praising me and showing her
appreciation to me. And I was like, you know what,
(14:11):
maybe I should think about it. And then so you know,
I kind of pondered on it for a while. And
then you know, I worked really hard in twenty twenty
four in therapy to be able to overcome these events
and not have like a PTS new panic attack. And so,
you know, once I got to a spot in my
life where I wasn't having meltdowns thinking about them, I
was like, I could I probably could write a book.
(14:34):
Maybe I'll try it.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
And then, you know, before this had you done any writing.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
I did, like English class writings, you know, and stuff
like that, but not anything like as a hobby.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Okay, okay, so wow, so so cool. You've got this
champion who's in your corner, who's like, go girl, you
can do this. How do things on? So say you're like,
all right, I'm gonna do this, and and what did
you want to say?
Speaker 2 (15:07):
So?
Speaker 3 (15:07):
I really wanted to be very raw, because being an
addict and being a survivor, you can't sugarcoat things.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
That does not do nothing for nobody.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
And so what I did was I kind of just pondered,
and I would write a list, like a one sentence
description of an event so I can like match it up.
So I wrote out a bunch of things, mostly like
the bigger events that had occurred, and then you know,
I would look in photo albums to try and freshen
my memory, and like court files, like the Minnesota court
(15:40):
records you can look up because there was like a
domestic violence that's in my book and stuff like that.
So I looked at court records and statements, and then
like I followed up with my mom clarifying some things,
my sisters, you know, just some things like that to
kind of freshen it, because like, yes, it's burned into
my brain. But it has been so long from some
(16:02):
of those events that I just wanted to be as
accurate as I absolutely could. And then so once I
got through that point, then I kind of tried to
date them. So my sub chapters have years, and so
I tried to date them the best I could. Okay,
if I was eight years old, that would have been
in this year, or if I was you know, that
(16:22):
kind of stuff. And then once I did that, I
sectioned it by person. So like my very first chapter
is about my biological dad, my second chapter is about
my stepdad, my third chapter is about a kind of
overall of like boyfriends or like miscellaneous men. There's a
(16:46):
very small sub chapter about my sister in law, and
then the last chapter is about my actual current husband.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
So me pause you for a second. So you said
you wanted to you wanted to do this in a
raw way. You want to lay it all out in
a raw way. But overarching, what did you want the
purpose of the book to be?
Speaker 3 (17:13):
So the purpose to me, and even as I'm like
doing appearances and speaking events, is I want to give
other people a voice, Like I want people to read
my story be able to relate to it and go, oh,
if she went through all of these things and she
can get to hear, maybe I can clean up and
(17:36):
get an apartment, like that's a goal. Or I can
get the job. I really want that job and I
really want that degree. I can get sober and I
can do that. Or I lived a life of trauma
and I want to have kids and I'm not going
to give those kids that life.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Like just that it's.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
Possible, because you know, just looking at me, Like even
my new clients I have at my job, I tell
them upfront that I'm a recovering addict and They're like, what, no,
you're not, And I'm.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
Like, ah, yeah, I am.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
You know, just because I look professional, you know, I
have a degree, doesn't mean that I didn't live the life.
So kind of just gives a different perspective when people
in the life are looking at people who aren't in
the life.
Speaker 4 (18:23):
How Trinity, I think you're amazing and I really appreciate
you being on this podcast and sharing your life and
your experience.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
How did you get to this point? And I realized
it's not simple and there's no one answer for this,
and it doesn't happen in the blink of my mind.
But how did you get to this point where you
have all of this like internal courage.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
I think it really was more of my childhood because
because like I'd mentioned, I had four younger siblings where
I had to make sure they were safe. That was
my only priority from nine to sixteen was to make
sure that they weren't getting abused and that they weren't
getting this, and so it gave me a motherly sense,
(19:21):
and I feel like that is why I really relate
to my clients, because I am kind of motherly and like,
I love taking care of people, and my route down
to my sole goal is to give my children the
life I didn't have. You know, sometimes people make mistakes,
and you know, I might yell at my kids sometimes,
(19:42):
but then I realize that I might have just freaked
out a little bit, and I go to my six
year old and I say, hey, I'm sorry for yelling
at you, like that was a little much, but you
still can't do this or whatever. So still holding discipline,
but also taking an accountability for my own outbursts that
happened from time to time, because I can not even
(20:05):
count how many times I've had a broad man's scream
in my face and I literally couldn't do anything.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
I have. It's been an uphill.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Battle always and I just strive, like my only goals
are to be better, and so yeah, it just kind
of fell in my lap.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Really, what is.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
What are some of the things that are helping you
get through the day? Are you you said you're in recovery.
What does that look like? Are you in therapy? What
does that look like?
Speaker 3 (20:43):
Yes, so I am in therapy. I have been with
this therapist for probably about two years. I had a
psychiatric break in twenty twenty three and that's when I
started seeing her. And she's absolutely amazing. Her name is Denay.
She has helped me through the biggest crisis ever.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
Uh, just as an interjection, you what about her is
so amazing.
Speaker 3 (21:08):
She is so supportive and she's real, she's raw, she
does not take crap and you know sometimes so I'm bipolar.
So when I had my psychiatric break was when everything
happened and I started to get medicated, and so you know,
when I started having impulsive decisions, reckless decisions, she would
call me out.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
She'd be like, I don't think that's safe. I don't
think that's responsible.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
She wouldn't just be like, Okay, you know whatever you want,
and she would like actually give me valuable feedback rather
than mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
And how does that make you feel? Like? She doesn't
do that?
Speaker 3 (21:42):
Like she is genuine, she is kind, and she has
helped me through like the biggest crisis is ever.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
I like, she's absolutely amazing.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
It sounds like, and correct me if I'm wrong here.
Speaker 5 (21:58):
Her ability to be real and open and honest and
a human being is maybe something.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
You didn't have.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Oh, hands down, hands down, wow wow.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
So all right, who would you say the book is for?
Speaker 2 (22:22):
I would say the book is for younger me.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
Because when I was suicidal and using drugs, I never
thought I didn't think I would live past eighteen. If
I'm being honest, I thought I would be dead somewhere
overdosed suicide.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
I didn't think I was going to make it past
high school.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
I am mind blown that I am twenty five now
and all the things that I've accomplished. And so in
my dedication it says something like we made it, like
we did this, and so it's very healing to my
inner child to see the good that my book is doing.
I have had connections with family members. I thought, my
(23:06):
book is going to create a little bit of ruffled feathers,
you know, their tattoo topics and calling people out can
not be great. My sister in law, who I honestly
is behade her guts. She was a terrible person. She
was very mean to me. When she read my book
or her chapter, she texts me and she goes, I'm
so sorry. I've been with my husband seven years and
(23:27):
I've never heard the words i'm sorry come from her mouth.
She was like, I didn't know I affected you in
that way. I didn't realize that this is how this
made you feel. And now she texts me all the time.
She brings her kids to my house, like we've barely
seen them in three years. And so it was such
a changing connection that I never took seeing coming.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
You again. Talked about your book. You wanted it to
be raw? How did you arrive at that?
Speaker 3 (24:03):
Was?
Speaker 1 (24:03):
Did you start? Was it something that you needed to
work up to to be raw? I'm curious about that.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
I would say no, because especially a lot of the
more prominent events in my book are so fried into
my brain that I could close my eyes and play it,
and so I already knew each detail, so as I
was writing it down, I could write the smell of
this or the sound of this, or the feel of
the slab or the pulling of hair, you know, like
(24:35):
I had very ingrained details in my brain, and so
life really provided the raw on its own, all right.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
So with this book out and where can people reach
get learn more about this book?
Speaker 3 (24:56):
By the way, So my book is currently available on Kindle,
Apple Books, and Google Books. The audiobook is approved through Audible.
I'm just waiting for the u r ls to come out.
So I do have a link tree with all of those. Otherwise,
I do have a Facebook also.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Okay, and give us that link tree address.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
So it should be a tree. So sorry, no words.
Speaker 3 (25:36):
I believe it's l I n K t R dot
e E backslash t R I n N two seven
one eight.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Okay, we'll have that link appear at the show notes
page at the Trauma Therapist to podcast dot com Trinity.
So now you're in recovery, you're in school, yep, And
what's your hope? Where do you want to who do
you want to work with? I guess that's a better question.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
So my goal, I mean, in my social work category
right now, and then I'm going to get my LA
dc SO license edition drug housling. The area that I
live in, there is not nearly enough drug counselors and
so I honestly could probably get a job at any
treatment facility in the area because of how high.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
The need is.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Awesome, Trinity, so inspiring. Love to have you back. It
feels like there's a lot more to talk about, but again,
just wish you so well on your journey and appreciate
your courage and writing the book and the way you're
writing the book.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Yeah. Absolutely, thank you so much for having me on.
Speaker 1 (26:54):
All right, we'll be in touch to take care all right.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Thank you
Speaker 1 (27:00):
After Colm ped the my composion s
Welcome to the Trauma Trips podcast. My name is Go Macpherson.
I interview incredible people who dedicated their lives to helping
those who've been impacted by trauma. Here we go, so
five four, three, two and one, our folks, welcome back
to the podcast. I'm very excited to as my guest today.
Trinity Leased Trinity, Welcome, Hi.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Thank you so much for the opportunity.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Awesome. So. Trinity is a memoir author from rural Minnesota
whose writing is rooted in raw truth, resilience, and healing.
Her debut book, Beneath the Silence explores her personal journey
through chrial to trauma, addiction, and the long road to recovery.
Trinity is a proud wife, mom to two amazing little
boys and caretaker to three beloved for her babies. When
(00:47):
she's not writing, she's working to her a bachelor's degree
in social work with plants to become a licensed alcohol
and drug counselor. Through her story, Trinity helps to give
a voice to the unheard and inspire others to rise
above the pas. Love that bio, super inspiring, short, succinct, awesome,
Well done. Trinity, Welcome again. Before we go and share
(01:09):
with the listeners where you're from originally and where you
are currently.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
So originally I am from the Detroit Lakes, Minnesota area.
I kind of hopped around like all the towns near it.
But currently I reside in Hendrum, Minnesota, and that's about
halfway between Grand Forks, North Dakota and Fargo, North Dakota.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
So I'm kind of a little bit more rural than
I used to be. But it's a nice town.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
It is a very low population, more safety for my children,
and just a really nice community.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Awesome, all right, so let's continue it here. How did
all this start for you?
Speaker 2 (01:53):
So?
Speaker 3 (01:53):
I did not grow up having the best childhood, obviously,
you know, I dealt with a lot of childhood trauma
into my young adulthood where I started my drug addiction.
I have been in recovery since twenty eighteen from ivy use,
so that's a pretty big thing. I just hit seven
years in May, and most of my family unfortunately has
(02:16):
some form of addiction in some way, shape or form,
and they a lot of them didn't make it out
like I did. And so just seeing other people struggle
and not have the support that I did just really
gave me a passion to want to go out in
the community and to want to provide the advocacy and
the support. So I started working in mental health in
(02:40):
twenty twenty one, I believe. I worked at a psychiat
or a psychiatric board in Fargo, North Dakota, and so
I was still pretty young. I was like nineteen, so
I was very fresh in my recovery and then I
kind of just took off from there. I got my
associates in criminal justice, and I'm currently my bachelor's social work.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
I'm a housing case manager right now.
Speaker 3 (03:04):
So it really just gives me a nice, diverse population
to work with that actually wants my help and needs
my help. Because recovery is possible, you know, sometimes we
just need a little extra support in different areas.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
So going back little, I mean, you talked about your
childhood being tense, fraught with trauma. You can use that expression.
How did you manage as a young kid? What and
I manage? How did you deal with that?
Speaker 2 (03:44):
It was really hard.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
So my one of my biggest chapters in my book
is called The Weight of Survival, and that is centered
around my stepdad.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
He passed the weight.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
The weight okay, yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
And so in my book, I changed everybody's name, so
I will refer to him as Calvin. He died in
twenty sixteen from cancer, and to sound bluntly, it was
probably the best thing. It saved my life, because not
only did I endure a lot of verbal and emotional abuse,
(04:20):
there's a lot of physical abuse. Because he was the
biological dad of my three younger siblings, who was not
my dad, and so because I was not his child,
I was essentially a target. And my mom worked two jobs,
so she was almost never around, so basically when she
was at work, it was all on me, things thrown
(04:41):
at me, name calling. I remember I was twelve years old,
completely flat chested as a board, you know, pre puberty,
and I was the biggest lunt ever for putting on
my first bikini and I had not even have been
close to being sexually active at that point. I have
struggled with depression a lot. I used to self harm
(05:04):
very often, so I have lots and lots of scars.
I do have a forearm sleeve that covers a good
section of them, and so honestly, I just tried to
survive through the day because I also had four younger
siblings that I had to make sure, say safe, So
I took the blunt end so they didn't.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
And excuse me during this, how old are we talking?
Speaker 3 (05:33):
They started dating and got married very shortly after they
started dating.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
I believe I was five.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
So it was eleven years of all of this until
he died abruptly in twenty sixteen.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Wow, okay, so you're at twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen? This
is going on? Are you? Does anyone know? Does your
mom know? Oh?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
My mom was very aware.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
They used to fight a lot about it, a lot
of stop targeting my daughter, and then he would be
chill for like a little bit, try to kiss them,
but be nice. And then as because he was also
a drug user, so he heavily used meth and drank
if he didn't have meth, and so when he would drink,
he would get me. If he was using meth, he
(06:26):
would just hide and leave people alone.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
But the second he was out, I'll bet her off.
So my mom was aware.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
But also she had two other baby daddies like my
biological dad, My sister had a different dad and then him.
He was the dad to the three younger kids. She
did not She refused to be a single mother again,
and she refused to go through another marriage.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
So it was too bad for you.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
You know, I'm not going to be a single mom
and You're just gonna have to deal with it.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
When did drug you start for you?
Speaker 3 (07:08):
I started experimenting with weed and pills when I was
probably thirteen. Pills were a really big problem for me.
That was my drug of choice, opiy. It's for a
while there, just because I could get them, and it
really my drug nition skyrocketed when he was sick because
(07:30):
eventually he couldn't orally take his pain medications and he
was unconscious, so there was bottles and bottles of morphine
and OxyS and he couldn't take them. So I would
just go in his room because he wasn't conscious, and
I would take them. And I would start taking, you know,
just a couple so no one noticed. Then it was
(07:51):
bottles after bottles after bottles.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
And then.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
This was around fifteen sixteen at that time that it
really kind of just like took off, right, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
No were and whenever your friends aware of what was
going on, We'll talk a little bit about that.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
I was kind of very closed off just because it
was more embarrassing too. I really didn't like bringing people
to my house because he didn't care if I had
friends over, like he was going to act how he
was going to act, And so it was just quite
embarrassing to try to rush my friends out the door
or just be like, no, you can't sleep over because
(08:37):
you know, my stepdad might throw something at me and
you might get hit with it because you're standing next
to me.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
So I was very.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Limited on friends. I usually hung out with other adults,
So I when I was sixteen, I was probably hanging
out with like twenty eight year olds who was supplying
me the drugs in the marijuana, and so that was
my say. I would go to their house and we
would just hang out and party, and that was kind
(09:06):
of just my little bit of peace.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
When did and how did you start thinking about help?
And what did that look like? Did you ever think
of I mean, were you thinking at all like, oh
my god, I need to get some kind of help,
I need to get some therapy or what if will.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
When I started using meth, I was in therapy as
a sixteen year old, and this is I dropped out
my senior year, my originally scheduled senior year. I would
call myself in as my mom, Oh she has an appointment.
Oh she's not feeling good, you know, just because I
was so joke sick that I couldn't go to school.
(09:51):
And I, I guess what you could call a responsible crackhead.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
I didn't drive while I was high.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
I didn't go in places that were unsafe while I
was using dr I was very secluded and I would
only used drugs with people who I know would keep
me safe. And so it kind of I dropped out
and then I moved with my boyfriend and we were
homeless for a while, and we were still using drugs
(10:17):
at that time. And then eventually it just kind of
the high got sick, Like I just kind of got
over it, Like I was like, this isn't fun anymore.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Like I still.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
I stopped using it a couple months before I turned eighteen,
because May eleventh, twenty eighteen, was the last time that
I used MATH and I turned eighteen to Lie of
twenty eighteen.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
And as you said, it was just you were just
getting tired of it.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
Sick of it, yeah, because the paranoia, it gets so intense,
Like we were in an apartment and looking out the
blinds three locks down. I would think someone's looking through
the apartment window when I know it wasn't physically possible
for someone to see that far, or like sounds and
people like pinging into your phone, or and then just
(11:13):
being around. We kind of got into some dangerous situations
with like a bigger drug dealer where we had to
call the police, and so just all of the factors.
I was like, I feel like I need to be sober.
I think we need to get sober, and so me
and my now husband got sober together.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
It definitely was a process.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
We tried cold turkey, but you know, relapses happen, so
it ebbs and flows, but it kind of just we
were just kind of over it, honestly.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
And was there a point at which you like went
into rehab.
Speaker 4 (11:54):
Uh?
Speaker 3 (11:54):
No, I didn't because I was still a minor and
my mom was very unaware of my drug use up
until I was way sober.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Like my mom knew that I had used.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
Meth a few times because she drug tested me and
then I got grounded and all that stuff, but she
was not aware to the.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Amounts of.
Speaker 4 (12:19):
It.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
She's kind of thought I did it once and then whatever.
And as an adult. You know, I disclosed to her,
and obviously she read my book and had a lot
of questions, so she was not aware.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
And I felt like if I asked to.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
Go to rehab, it would have been a bigger issue
because we weren't big on talking about feelings, So even
just to go to therapy as a teenager was a fight.
And so if I would have said I need to
go to treatment, she probably would have said something of oh,
you're not an addict or oh you're fine, it'll be
fine type of thing. And so honestly, it was more
(12:55):
of just a power struggle internally. But I knew deep
down that I didn't want to be like my stepdad,
and if I kept going on the road that I
was on, that's my where, that's my where I had
ended up to be.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Let me just remind everyone speaking with Trinity Lease, her
book is called Beneath the Silence. So Trinity talk to
us about the genesis of the book. How did you
get to a point where you're like, I want to
or I need to or have to write this book.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
So actually I was in my very first social work
class of my bachelor's last fall, I believe, and I
would write a lot of my papers based on my
experiences just because you know, it would really link to it.
And I had this professor who was absolutely amazing. She
would directly email me every time that I submitted something,
(13:50):
and she would just be like, oh my gosh, I
can't believe that this happened to you. I can't believe
that you've accomplished all these things. You should write about it.
And I'm like, what I want to do that? That's weird,
that's crazy, no way. And then she just was very
persistent and just kept like praising me and showing her
appreciation to me. And I was like, you know what,
(14:11):
maybe I should think about it. And then so you know,
I kind of pondered on it for a while. And
then you know, I worked really hard in twenty twenty
four in therapy to be able to overcome these events
and not have like a PTS new panic attack. And so,
you know, once I got to a spot in my
life where I wasn't having meltdowns thinking about them, I
was like, I could I probably could write a book.
(14:34):
Maybe I'll try it.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
And then, you know, before this had you done any writing.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
I did, like English class writings, you know, and stuff
like that, but not anything like as a hobby.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Okay, okay, so wow, so so cool. You've got this
champion who's in your corner, who's like, go girl, you
can do this. How do things on? So say you're like,
all right, I'm gonna do this, and and what did
you want to say?
Speaker 2 (15:07):
So?
Speaker 3 (15:07):
I really wanted to be very raw, because being an
addict and being a survivor, you can't sugarcoat things.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
That does not do nothing for nobody.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
And so what I did was I kind of just pondered,
and I would write a list, like a one sentence
description of an event so I can like match it up.
So I wrote out a bunch of things, mostly like
the bigger events that had occurred, and then you know,
I would look in photo albums to try and freshen
my memory, and like court files, like the Minnesota court
(15:40):
records you can look up because there was like a
domestic violence that's in my book and stuff like that.
So I looked at court records and statements, and then
like I followed up with my mom clarifying some things,
my sisters, you know, just some things like that to
kind of freshen it, because like, yes, it's burned into
my brain. But it has been so long from some
(16:02):
of those events that I just wanted to be as
accurate as I absolutely could. And then so once I
got through that point, then I kind of tried to
date them. So my sub chapters have years, and so
I tried to date them the best I could. Okay,
if I was eight years old, that would have been
in this year, or if I was you know, that
(16:22):
kind of stuff. And then once I did that, I
sectioned it by person. So like my very first chapter
is about my biological dad, my second chapter is about
my stepdad, my third chapter is about a kind of
overall of like boyfriends or like miscellaneous men. There's a
(16:46):
very small sub chapter about my sister in law, and
then the last chapter is about my actual current husband.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
So me pause you for a second. So you said
you wanted to you wanted to do this in a
raw way. You want to lay it all out in
a raw way. But overarching, what did you want the
purpose of the book to be?
Speaker 3 (17:13):
So the purpose to me, and even as I'm like
doing appearances and speaking events, is I want to give
other people a voice, Like I want people to read
my story be able to relate to it and go, oh,
if she went through all of these things and she
can get to hear, maybe I can clean up and
(17:36):
get an apartment, like that's a goal. Or I can
get the job. I really want that job and I
really want that degree. I can get sober and I
can do that. Or I lived a life of trauma
and I want to have kids and I'm not going
to give those kids that life.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Like just that it's.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
Possible, because you know, just looking at me, Like even
my new clients I have at my job, I tell
them upfront that I'm a recovering addict and They're like, what, no,
you're not, And I'm.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
Like, ah, yeah, I am.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
You know, just because I look professional, you know, I
have a degree, doesn't mean that I didn't live the life.
So kind of just gives a different perspective when people
in the life are looking at people who aren't in
the life.
Speaker 4 (18:23):
How Trinity, I think you're amazing and I really appreciate
you being on this podcast and sharing your life and
your experience.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
How did you get to this point? And I realized
it's not simple and there's no one answer for this,
and it doesn't happen in the blink of my mind.
But how did you get to this point where you
have all of this like internal courage.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
I think it really was more of my childhood because
because like I'd mentioned, I had four younger siblings where
I had to make sure they were safe. That was
my only priority from nine to sixteen was to make
sure that they weren't getting abused and that they weren't
getting this, and so it gave me a motherly sense,
(19:21):
and I feel like that is why I really relate
to my clients, because I am kind of motherly and like,
I love taking care of people, and my route down
to my sole goal is to give my children the
life I didn't have. You know, sometimes people make mistakes,
and you know, I might yell at my kids sometimes,
(19:42):
but then I realize that I might have just freaked
out a little bit, and I go to my six
year old and I say, hey, I'm sorry for yelling
at you, like that was a little much, but you
still can't do this or whatever. So still holding discipline,
but also taking an accountability for my own outbursts that
happened from time to time, because I can not even
(20:05):
count how many times I've had a broad man's scream
in my face and I literally couldn't do anything.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
I have. It's been an uphill.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Battle always and I just strive, like my only goals
are to be better, and so yeah, it just kind
of fell in my lap.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Really, what is.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
What are some of the things that are helping you
get through the day? Are you you said you're in recovery.
What does that look like? Are you in therapy? What
does that look like?
Speaker 3 (20:43):
Yes, so I am in therapy. I have been with
this therapist for probably about two years. I had a
psychiatric break in twenty twenty three and that's when I
started seeing her. And she's absolutely amazing. Her name is Denay.
She has helped me through the biggest crisis ever.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
Uh, just as an interjection, you what about her is
so amazing.
Speaker 3 (21:08):
She is so supportive and she's real, she's raw, she
does not take crap and you know sometimes so I'm bipolar.
So when I had my psychiatric break was when everything
happened and I started to get medicated, and so you know,
when I started having impulsive decisions, reckless decisions, she would
call me out.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
She'd be like, I don't think that's safe. I don't
think that's responsible.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
She wouldn't just be like, Okay, you know whatever you want,
and she would like actually give me valuable feedback rather
than mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
And how does that make you feel? Like? She doesn't
do that?
Speaker 3 (21:42):
Like she is genuine, she is kind, and she has
helped me through like the biggest crisis is ever.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
I like, she's absolutely amazing.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
It sounds like, and correct me if I'm wrong here.
Speaker 5 (21:58):
Her ability to be real and open and honest and
a human being is maybe something.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
You didn't have.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Oh, hands down, hands down, wow wow.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
So all right, who would you say the book is for?
Speaker 2 (22:22):
I would say the book is for younger me.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
Because when I was suicidal and using drugs, I never
thought I didn't think I would live past eighteen. If
I'm being honest, I thought I would be dead somewhere
overdosed suicide.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
I didn't think I was going to make it past
high school.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
I am mind blown that I am twenty five now
and all the things that I've accomplished. And so in
my dedication it says something like we made it, like
we did this, and so it's very healing to my
inner child to see the good that my book is doing.
I have had connections with family members. I thought, my
(23:06):
book is going to create a little bit of ruffled feathers,
you know, their tattoo topics and calling people out can
not be great. My sister in law, who I honestly
is behade her guts. She was a terrible person. She
was very mean to me. When she read my book
or her chapter, she texts me and she goes, I'm
so sorry. I've been with my husband seven years and
(23:27):
I've never heard the words i'm sorry come from her mouth.
She was like, I didn't know I affected you in
that way. I didn't realize that this is how this
made you feel. And now she texts me all the time.
She brings her kids to my house, like we've barely
seen them in three years. And so it was such
a changing connection that I never took seeing coming.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
You again. Talked about your book. You wanted it to
be raw? How did you arrive at that?
Speaker 3 (24:03):
Was?
Speaker 1 (24:03):
Did you start? Was it something that you needed to
work up to to be raw? I'm curious about that.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
I would say no, because especially a lot of the
more prominent events in my book are so fried into
my brain that I could close my eyes and play it,
and so I already knew each detail, so as I
was writing it down, I could write the smell of
this or the sound of this, or the feel of
the slab or the pulling of hair, you know, like
(24:35):
I had very ingrained details in my brain, and so
life really provided the raw on its own, all right.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
So with this book out and where can people reach
get learn more about this book?
Speaker 3 (24:56):
By the way, So my book is currently available on Kindle,
Apple Books, and Google Books. The audiobook is approved through Audible.
I'm just waiting for the u r ls to come out.
So I do have a link tree with all of those. Otherwise,
I do have a Facebook also.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Okay, and give us that link tree address.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
So it should be a tree. So sorry, no words.
Speaker 3 (25:36):
I believe it's l I n K t R dot
e E backslash t R I n N two seven
one eight.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Okay, we'll have that link appear at the show notes
page at the Trauma Therapist to podcast dot com Trinity.
So now you're in recovery, you're in school, yep, And
what's your hope? Where do you want to who do
you want to work with? I guess that's a better question.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
So my goal, I mean, in my social work category
right now, and then I'm going to get my LA
dc SO license edition drug housling. The area that I
live in, there is not nearly enough drug counselors and
so I honestly could probably get a job at any
treatment facility in the area because of how high.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
The need is.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Awesome, Trinity, so inspiring. Love to have you back. It
feels like there's a lot more to talk about, but again,
just wish you so well on your journey and appreciate
your courage and writing the book and the way you're
writing the book.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Yeah. Absolutely, thank you so much for having me on.
Speaker 1 (26:54):
All right, we'll be in touch to take care all right.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Thank you
Speaker 1 (27:00):
After Colm ped the my composion s
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