October 13, 2025 • 33 mins
Kendra has specialized in working with Partners of Sex & Porn Addicts for over 5yrs. She engages with her clients from an eclectic approach that allows them to process through the betrayal trauma they've experienced to find healthy coping skills to apply while on their healing journey towards recovery. Kendra balances support while holding her clients accountable for taking back their power on the path to wholeness.
In This Episode
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In This Episode
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-trauma-therapist--5739761/support.
You can learn more about what I do here:
The Trauma Therapist Newsletter: celebrates the people and voices in the mental health profession. And it's free! Check it out here: https://bit.ly/4jGBeSa
———
If you’d like to support The Trauma Therapist Podcast and the work I do you can do that here with a monthly donation of $5, $7, or $10: Donate to The Trauma Therapist Podcast.
Click here to join my email list and receive podcast updates and other news.
Thank you to our Sponsors:
Incogni - Use code [traumatherapist] and get 60% off annual plans: https://incogni.com/traumatherapist
Jane App - use code GUY1MO at https://jane.app/book_a_demo
Journey Clinical - visit https://join.journeyclinical/trauma for 1 month off your membership
Therapy Wisdom - https://therapywisdom.com/jan/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Trauma divers podcast. My name is Guimingferson
and I interview incredible people who share the story of
how trauma has shaped their lives. And a big thank
you for sponsoring today's episode goes to my guest and
our sponsors. So five four, three, two and one, our folks,
(00:24):
welcome back to the podcast. Very excited to have as
my guest today. Kendra King. Kendra, welcome, Thank.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
You so much. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
This is exciting, awesome. So Kendra has specialized in working
with partners of sex and important addicts for over five years.
She engages with her clients from an eclectic approach that
allows them to process through the betrayal trauma they've experienced
to find healthy coping skills to apply while on their
healing journey towards recovery. Kendra balances support while holding our
(00:52):
clients accountable for taking back their power on the path
to wholeness. All right, Kendra, before we get one of
your show with the listeners, where you're from originally and
where you are currently?
Speaker 3 (01:03):
So where I'm from originally is a lot of places.
I was born and raised in for Texas for twelve
years and I moved to Maine, Florida, North Carolina, Illinois, California,
so I'm kind of.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Everywhere, either either military or running from the law, which.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Was my mom was in the military.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
However, she did come out right before she had me,
and that's where I was planted in Texas first, but
her job.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Was just traveling.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
She worked in hospitals, so we just once I was twelve,
my parents separated and we took the show on the
road and I was just kind of like tags.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
I was trying to brought along.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
So that's kind of where all my traveling has stemmed from.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Okay, so heavy topic. Did this all start for you?
How did you get into this topic? Okay, not too
many people specializing, No, no, they don't.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
And I actually am a subspecialist of this specialization because
I didn't go the traditional c SAT, which is certified
sex addiction therapist route. I didn't go that route because
I just am not that typical person that goes with
the crowd. So I started out first. When it comes
(02:28):
to mental health and substance use around, I want to
say it's over ten years. I started in twenty eleven,
but once I got licensed to practice therapy, well.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Hang on, hang on, why what got you into that?
Speaker 3 (02:41):
In the first LAO therapy in general and mental health
and substance use. Personal I felt people just made sense
to me, like their behaviors, being able to read them
and understand them and being able to come up with
ways to help them. But also personally, I just kind
of I grew alone. I kind of learned how to
(03:04):
be a human or how to be an adult based
off of observations from my parents and kind of.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
What to do or what not to do.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
So I had a lot of trial and error in
life at an early age, so specifically with the sex
and port addiction. Personally, there's a lot of sexual trauma
in my personal background, so I understood the nature of compulsive,
unhealthy sexual behaviors. I understood a fair recovery, you know,
(03:34):
based off of seeing other adults, based off of my
parents' relationships. So it just kind of made sense when
I stumbled upon this specialization. Before I practiced this specialty,
I was in a doctor's office. I had started a
pilot program to bring therapeutic services into a private medical practice.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
I went to a treatment.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
Center, and then I fell upon this at a group
private practice, and then I fell in love with this
and ever since then, I stepped out on my own
to start my private practice two years ago, and this
is where we are.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
You fell in love with this? Why? How? What was
it about us? And when we say it, what we're
talking about?
Speaker 3 (04:25):
The nature just the basic sex topic, just the basic
topic of sex. We don't talk about it. We're not
taught how to engage in our sexuality from an unhealthy way.
It doesn't matter what your orientation is, how you show
up in that capacity. We're just not talk these things
from a societal perspective, academic peers, there's just like it's
(04:48):
like this hush hust thing that everybody does and it's
just like you know, it ends up coming out and
you know, very questionable ways. And so I just wanted
to talk about this because sous I wanted people to grow.
I grew because professionally, it is first off our priority
to work on ourselves. And this particular topic I had
(05:10):
an unhealthy relationship was when it came to sex. So
when I discovered sex important addiction and sex therapy and
a fair recovery, it was just like, oh, this is
another level of being a human that people or just
unaware of and then how I am as a person
and as well as how I am as a therapist.
It just comes out differently like I am not afraid
(05:33):
to discuss these tense, uncomfortable topics because it's just like
like I said before, we're engaging in it, so why
can't we talk about it right?
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Right? Okay, So you found this, you said something clicked
for you or maybe was a gradual but at some
point you're like, I want to do this? Did you
what did you go to school for this? Specifically? How
did you start to educate yourself about this particular topic.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
I learned initially with the director of the practice that
I was working at. Then he kind of required that
I was an independent therapist or independent contract therapist, so
he required that we engage in a certification process that
is advertised through the Heart to Heart Counseling Center. I
(06:29):
don't know if you've heard of doctor Doug Weiss. He's out.
He's based out of Colorado.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
I have.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
I've had him on the podcast.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Yeah, so he's my supervisor. He is amazing.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
He validated me as a therapist because he is no
nonsense and he plays no games with his clients and
so like when he was my supervisor, I told him,
I was like, you made me feel good as a therapist.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
He was like, can do You're gonna be great. You're
gonna be great.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
You need to step out on your own and I
got you whatever you need you just let me know.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
I'm just like, Okay.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
So I studied under him, and then I'm currently under
supervision for my sex therapy certification with doctor Jennifer Conson.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
She's based out of California. And so I've just.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Fallen upon these gurus, these mentors that have taken me
under their wings and have just molded and motivated me,
but inspired me to pursue this. They have given me
confidence and the knowledge that I've acquired. How I show
up as a therapist with my clients and they're can like.
They're like, Candrew, You're fine, Like you are doing this, girl,
(07:33):
just believe in yourself and keep doing what you're doing.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
I'm just like, Okay, So that's great.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Well, I gotta say, you have this incredible energy about you,
and I could totally You're welcome. I could totally see
what they were talking about in part Okay, let me
what is porn? How do you define porn. How do
I do?
Speaker 2 (07:54):
That is the first time I've been asked about that question.
How do I define porn?
Speaker 1 (07:59):
M Well, how is how is it defined in the literature?
Speaker 3 (08:02):
Well, I'm assuming, uh, sexual images that are depicted on
a screen or depicted in areas that aren't like you
have to go to an isolated you know, it's not
something that you could just go to the regular movies
to go see, you know, and it's sexual in nature.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
It sexual, okay, sexually explicit because I'm thinking, uh, like
it's on a continuum. It is. You've got the like
you know, the old Victorious Secret catalog with women in
lingerie all the way up.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Okay, like imagery like that, silhouettes of people's bodies, scantily
clad people see through things.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
It could be many women, however you identify.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Yourself just like the the discrete but indiscreete notion of
new forms or however it's expressed. It's just like, oh, okay, okay.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
And then all the way to.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
The sexual act, all the way to the sexual act.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Okay. So how would how porn addiction? What is it? So?
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (09:23):
Because I just did a podcast interview with another professional
who did not like the word porn addiction, sex addiction,
and I definitely understand because people struggle with identifying addiction
when it comes to like substance alcohol, with those who
(09:44):
engage in porn or sex, there's a struggle there. I'm
not here to debate that. However, My definition of porn
or sex addiction is you engaging in unhealthy, compulsive sexual
behaviors that impact every level of your life, whether it's relational,
(10:05):
whether it's work, whether it's school, whatever the case may be.
It's a compulsive act. It's you having unhealthy coping skills,
and it's you engaging in something to self soothe as
opposed to processing your emotions, communicating how you feel, sharing
your thoughts, whatever the case may be. Sense of hiding.
(10:29):
I'm hiding. I'm trying to numb these feelings. I'm just
trying to run from them, as opposed to let me
address them, let me work through them, let me talk
about them. And that is another that's another path to.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
To go down. What the inability to talk about it? Okay, well,
let's put that on the side here, So use the
word compulsive compulsive meaning inability to stop in a sense regulating.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Okay, now, just being triggered to Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
But like you brought up substance abuse right oftentimes and
correct me if I'm wrong. Here, the addiction comes into
play when it starts impacting one's life, their ability to work.
They start rearranging their lives in order to get the
substance whatever that is. So here, similarly, I'm assuming that
(11:25):
porn addiction is when someone is compulsively engaging watching this
and hours are going by, They're not working, they're not
interacting with their kids or family or whatever. It's impacting
their job. Is that correct? Okay? So people come to
you and they say what and you do what?
Speaker 2 (11:48):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (11:49):
God, This is where it gets tricky because there are
levels to this.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Right, Okay, sure there is.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Say you're acting out with porn, your partner doesn't know
about it. They discover, Hey, you didn't tell me that
you watched porn. We didn't have this discussion. This is
a part of our sexual boundaries as a relationship. You know,
I feel betrayed, you know, we need to address this.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
That's one way.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Or we have affairs where it could be one instance,
it could be multiple, you know, and then they come
to me and it's just like, Okay, I need to
figure we need to figure out how why and how
we can work through this. Or you have situau Instagram
in Facebook where you're just constantly scrolling looking at different images.
(12:41):
They don't have to necessarily be nude images, form fitting
figures showing you know, and you're just scrolling it.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
Does It seems innocent? Right?
Speaker 3 (12:51):
However your partner is uncomfortable by it because they're internalizing
that they're not good enough, or you're just continuing to
do this all the time, you're finding moments throughout the
day it's just oh, let me get a dopamine boost.
I'm just gonna scroll a little bit, or I'm just
gonna send this text to someone that's not my partner
(13:15):
because I feel whatever I feel, and I can't talk
to my partner about it. Like it shows up in
so many ways.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Guy, it's it's.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
Sore you are. You're making a distinction between just scroll
looking at images to kind of more compulsive stuff. Correct, Okay,
And I'm assuming also, and correct me if I'm wrong
here that oftentimes this is negatively impacting one's relationship. Yes,
(13:45):
I mean they're not they're not sharing it with their
partner or is there a way that this could positively
impact the relationship, add a little spice to the relationship.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
So we're gonna define book. So you have the I
found you acting out with porn. I didn't know about it.
Now we got to figure out when did this start?
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Right? Okay, then we have a Oh we're.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
Having a conversation about our sexual relationship, you know, and
you tell me that you enjoy watching porn, and I
feel comfortable enough engaging in it with you. Nonetheless, a
conversation needs to be had when there's no conversation in
their secrecy happening, that's when it becomes.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
The part problems.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Okay, so someone comes to you, and I understand every
case is different, but what do you start to wonder
when someone comes to you? What are some of the
things you get curious about? Maybe what do you ask?
Let me let me say this is there? You know,
(14:53):
you talk, You listen to someone like abormonte He talks
about trauma and addiction, and he says addiction, trauma is there.
Most often trauma involved with this.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
I wouldn't necessarily say there's trauma, there is something, and
a lot of the times there's a lack of attachment,
secure attachment. With those earlier relationships, there's.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
A lack of.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
Acquiring effective communication skills or emotionally secure environments to be
able to share my emotions where I'm not feeling dismissed, minimized, abandoned, rejected,
whatever the case may be.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
So it's mental, it's emotional.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
There's just so many things at play that lead to
these particular things. But yeah, it's not just necessarily trauma.
There could be.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
But I mean, in all fairness, everything you mentioned could
be traumatic.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
It could be traumatic. It could right, and.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Not having that certainly not having that attachment to be traumatic. Okay,
So so back to my question, what do someone comes
to you, How do you start to do your assessment?
What are you curious about?
Speaker 2 (16:13):
So I definitely start with.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
Discovery, like how did we find out about this or
how did the partner find out? Then I go down
the path of what the relationship does look like over
the course of time. But then I narrow it down
to the individuals when it comes to okay, what was
what was your upbringing when it comes to talking about sex,
what was your upbringing when it comes a to talking
(16:37):
about your emotions? Was there safety in any of these things.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Was it just.
Speaker 3 (16:42):
Basic level or you know, was it this type of
environment where you couldn't say nothing, do nothing, you just
had to be quiet, or there was this a overstimulation
of these things so where you couldn't regulate how what
was appropriate?
Speaker 2 (16:56):
What was it?
Speaker 3 (16:57):
It could be either or So I'm starting from and
working my way back all the way to individual background
as well.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Mm hmm. Now you said previously you on another podcast
and the host Sarah was having an issue with calling
it addiction. Can you elaborate on that? So it what
was going on?
Speaker 3 (17:21):
So there's in this field there's a lot of debate
around what to classify this as. Does it fall under addiction?
Is it compulsive behaviors? I don't get caught up with
the nuances of labels and defining. I focus on how
can we help the person the couple, So I respect
(17:44):
her struggling with the word addiction associated with sex and porn.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
It's the same thing when.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
It comes to the idea of when it comes to addiction,
abstinence right as a to harm reduction. You see what
I'm saying. Not everybody falls into these categories, into these labels.
So there are stances and everybody has the right to
have their own opinion and stance, specifically with the unprofessional
(18:14):
for world to feel how they feel, and I respect
all of it because at the end of the day,
I'm just here to help people. That's why I consider
myself as an eclectic therapist, and my approach is different
because I don't get caught up in jargon.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
That's not what I'm right, right, right, right. In one sense, however,
if this is negatively impacting someone's life, something's going on
and maybe it needs to be addressed, especially if they're
coming to a therapist like yourself. They're saying they need help.
Something's off. Okay, give us I'm gonna put you on
(18:50):
the spot here. Can you give us kind of a
case study of someone you worked with? What it looked like.
Why do they come to you? I'm guessing when they
come to you things have been going on for a while.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
So I have one who came to me because he
was finally ready to like really put forth the effort
to engage in his recovery journey, seriously intentionally tried to
do it on his own. It did not work. He
(19:28):
has a background of abandonment, rejection when his parents died early.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
The living parent.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
Wasn't as emotionally available and understanding as the parent that passed.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
And so, okay, so you obviously uncovered this. He didn't.
I'm assuming he didn't come to you and say, you know,
I have this point addiction, this is I have all
this in my history? Was he aware of any of that?
Speaker 3 (20:02):
To the to the point of how I dissect people.
I read people as if they are novels, and I
engage in questions that helped me discover the things that
I need to understand the bigger picture.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
But I do it such as what such.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
As we start with an experience, right say, let's say
with the with the parent that passed. So my question
is more more so of what did that parent provide
for you? What happened to you after that parent passed
and the parent that was in your life did they
(20:42):
were they able to provide the same thing? If they didn't,
what did they give you? And how did that make
you feel? In comparison? So I dependent because I only
get an hour, God like, I can only get so much.
So I'm constantly I'm constantly trying to pull you know,
that rug that starts unraveling I'm pulling that string every session.
(21:06):
I'm pulling that string and pulling that string. I do
start where they are and how they show up in
the you know, initially, but like when we start getting
into the weeds.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Of stuff, I am. I am a detective.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
It's very important because that's how you understand your client,
and that's how you create a treatment plan and be
able to work on goals and come up with interventions.
Like you got to really be in tuned and connected
therapeutically with your client.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
To be able to help them. If not, what are
you doing?
Speaker 1 (21:40):
I'm assuming there's a lot of shame involved, so much shame.
Speaker 3 (21:44):
So much guilt, so much isolation, misunderstanding, and so it's
the reworking of core beliefs, values, perceptions, self perceptions.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Self worth, self love, of reparenting that inner child. It's
so much stuff.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Is that that? All of what you just said right
now sounds really important to me because I'm as we're talking,
I'm thinking to myself, how does someone heal? What is
what does the healing journey look like? What do they
have to do? And I'm wondering if like substance abuse,
(22:29):
substance addiction, the healing journey on that we hear that
you know that takes many That is a struggle, right,
people are going back to recovery centers over and over
and over again. Is it similar in this top with
this topic.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
It is.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
It is because you have to be committed right and
you have to understand that this takes work, just like
substance abuse, just like alcoholism. You have to show up
for yourself every day. You have to put all these
resources in place. Expect you to get it right because
nobody is perfect. We're perfecting our imperfections and will never
(23:05):
fully arrive. But I need you to show up. As
long as you show up, we can go from there.
But you have to be intentional.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Is there? Let me ask you, pull back and ask
you broad a question. And I know this is different
from many people, but what are some of the reasons
people engage in this behavior?
Speaker 3 (23:31):
Struggles with vulnerability, struggles with being able to be emotionally open,
struggles with communicating their needs, understanding their partners' needs, not
having a deeper understanding of what intimacy is outside of
physical connection, emotional connection, mental connection, spiritual connection.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
However you identify spiritually.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Being able to see beyond the surface of one another
is where the struggle lies.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
And being able to share the.
Speaker 3 (24:08):
Darkest parts of yourself right because people get in relationships
for what it looks like as opposed to the reality
of what it is. And we are all broken vessels
around this joint. And it's like, if you can't show
up in all your glory and all your shadow parts
with the person that you want to commit your life to,
(24:29):
or commit yourself to, or your body to, or share
this world with, then what are you doing?
Speaker 2 (24:35):
What do you doing?
Speaker 1 (24:37):
I mean that everything you just said that's hard to do,
it is. I mean it's hard to be open and
both especially around becoming physically intimate, sexually intimate, and all
those other intimacies you name. That's that's hard to do. Now,
let me let me ask you this, how this your journey,
(25:01):
your professional journey and your studying of this. How has
this impacted you?
Speaker 2 (25:05):
Oh? Man?
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Well, the way I show up in my relationships has
matured over an extended period of time because I see
myself as I learned from my clients, just like they
learn from me. I am no better than them, and
I see pieces of myself and all of them, So
I understand. So I talk to myself as I talk
(25:32):
to them, and it has been it has been a
journey because I have had to hold myself accountable but
also forgive myself for things, forgive others, give myself closure
in situations that people that have hurt me have not
been able to do so. So my level of grace
(25:53):
and empathy has just been cultivated in a sense of
I have solid boundaries and there's only certain types of
people that I can have in my life. And so
it's if anything has matured me to a place to
where I'm okay with being alone because I ain't lonely.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
And I'm okay with that.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Is there from your experience, And again, i know it's
different for everybody, But I'm curious in your work, are
there certain elements, especially with this topic, Are there certain
elements that you feel your clients need or are looking
(26:44):
for when they come to see you.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
I think it's emotions.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
I think emotion emotionally focused therapy is probably the best
thing that could have ever happened.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
However, not I'm not talking about I'm not talking about treatments, Okay.
What I'm talking about is when clients who come to you,
are they essentially searching for something. Yes, are they desperately
in need of something?
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (27:08):
What it still stems off of mostly focused therapy.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
I need to feel seen and I need to feel heard.
M hm, that's it because most people struggle.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Je.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
It's so good, it's so big, because it's just like
whether it's from family members, whether if it's past intimate relationships.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
They didn't get that, you know, they didn't get that.
Speaker 3 (27:35):
And if they did, like I said earlier, rejected, abandoned, dismissed,
gas lit, minimized, ignored, whatever you want to call it,
you know, and so they kind of withdrew and figured out,
excuse me, engaging in other things to help them cope
(27:57):
with addressing that stuff, and it may have not been
the healthiest.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Previously. We were we were talking and we're a topic
was brought up and you said, well, that's a whole
different avenue that we can go down. Do you recalled
what that was.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
That we were talking about, like communication.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Like yeah, yeah, I said, let's put that on the
side here and go back to that. W say more
about that.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
We are not taught how to talk to each other.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
We are not taught how to be able to share
our emotions in an effective way, in an honest way,
to where we don't feel defensive.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
The other person is not defensive from.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
What they're saying, They're just sharing their experience and being
able to sit in that we taught those things. And
so it's just and still to this day, you know,
it's still like an issue because we have the generation
now who don't even know how to talk to one
another cause.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
It's all about screen time.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
They all want to text, like they can't have a
face or face conversation, right.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
And then when you talk about emotions, what are emotions?
Speaker 3 (28:59):
Sadness, anger, like these basic things, these basic things. So
you know, but that comes from the foundation that was
laid from our parents.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
I'm not beating up parents.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
I'm just saying that you project what was projected upon
you because we all come into this world not fully
put together, and where we learn based off of what
we observe, based off of what we're taught, whether it
be consciously unconsciously, and breaking that cycle, breaking that dysfunctional pattern,
(29:32):
baking bake, breaking these generational defaults is it's challenging and
not a lot of people want to do the work
or you know, it's this victim mentality. Well, I tried
my best and and it's just it just it gets
(29:53):
there's a lot of pointing fingers and trying to escape and.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Gas.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
No, let me ask you a question and excuse my nift.
I don't know a lot about this topic. Is there
a racial component to this?
Speaker 3 (30:14):
So I say that there is because I see it.
I when I first started out, I mostly worked with
individuals that identify themselves as white or Caucasian. It wasn't
until I started my own practice to now I have
(30:36):
a very diverse case low And that's all I wanted
because I knew it impacted every racial context more so
than anything within the Black culture because naturally we're a
highly sexualized people.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
You know, we've gone through so much in that particular.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
Area, but we've normalized it and then it's kind of
spilled over into other races to where they feel like
they should present in a certain way, and it's just like, nah,
that's not that's not that's not healthy. So yes, there's
a racial aspect to this as well.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
Interesting all right, Kendra, look, I'm gonna have to have
you back. There's obviously a lot to talk about here.
We've scratched a surface. What what's the best play for
people to to learn more about what you're doing.
Speaker 3 (31:34):
You can google my name Kendrick King, Charlotte, North Carolina.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
I'll immediately pop up.
Speaker 3 (31:40):
You can go to my website, The Healingheartthapycenter dot com,
or you can email me at Kendra at the Healing
Heartthapycenter dot com.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Okay, So, and just briefly for for the listeners, uh, therapists,
coaches of all kinds. If if they want to learn
more about this, any resource, what's a good resource, basic
resource for them? If the book or whatever.
Speaker 2 (32:11):
Basic resource for them?
Speaker 3 (32:13):
Just google, just google sex and porn addiction really, sex
and porn addiction field, a fair recoveryfield, sex therapy field, like,
just start with the basics. Google is your friend, but
definitely doctor Doug Wise. There are others, but I'm always
referring to him because that's kind of who I did
(32:34):
my tutorial under. So my learning, my expansion and knowledge.
But there are so many things out there you just
gotta look for because it's there.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
Okay, Kendra, appreciate you, love it, love talking to you.
Thank you, thank you so much for being here having
me all right, Okay,
Welcome to the Trauma divers podcast. My name is Guimingferson
and I interview incredible people who share the story of
how trauma has shaped their lives. And a big thank
you for sponsoring today's episode goes to my guest and
our sponsors. So five four, three, two and one, our folks,
(00:24):
welcome back to the podcast. Very excited to have as
my guest today. Kendra King. Kendra, welcome, Thank.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
You so much. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
This is exciting, awesome. So Kendra has specialized in working
with partners of sex and important addicts for over five years.
She engages with her clients from an eclectic approach that
allows them to process through the betrayal trauma they've experienced
to find healthy coping skills to apply while on their
healing journey towards recovery. Kendra balances support while holding our
(00:52):
clients accountable for taking back their power on the path
to wholeness. All right, Kendra, before we get one of
your show with the listeners, where you're from originally and
where you are currently?
Speaker 3 (01:03):
So where I'm from originally is a lot of places.
I was born and raised in for Texas for twelve
years and I moved to Maine, Florida, North Carolina, Illinois, California,
so I'm kind of.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Everywhere, either either military or running from the law, which.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Was my mom was in the military.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
However, she did come out right before she had me,
and that's where I was planted in Texas first, but
her job.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Was just traveling.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
She worked in hospitals, so we just once I was twelve,
my parents separated and we took the show on the
road and I was just kind of like tags.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
I was trying to brought along.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
So that's kind of where all my traveling has stemmed from.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Okay, so heavy topic. Did this all start for you?
How did you get into this topic? Okay, not too
many people specializing, No, no, they don't.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
And I actually am a subspecialist of this specialization because
I didn't go the traditional c SAT, which is certified
sex addiction therapist route. I didn't go that route because
I just am not that typical person that goes with
the crowd. So I started out first. When it comes
(02:28):
to mental health and substance use around, I want to
say it's over ten years. I started in twenty eleven,
but once I got licensed to practice therapy, well.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Hang on, hang on, why what got you into that?
Speaker 3 (02:41):
In the first LAO therapy in general and mental health
and substance use. Personal I felt people just made sense
to me, like their behaviors, being able to read them
and understand them and being able to come up with
ways to help them. But also personally, I just kind
of I grew alone. I kind of learned how to
(03:04):
be a human or how to be an adult based
off of observations from my parents and kind of.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
What to do or what not to do.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
So I had a lot of trial and error in
life at an early age, so specifically with the sex
and port addiction. Personally, there's a lot of sexual trauma
in my personal background, so I understood the nature of compulsive,
unhealthy sexual behaviors. I understood a fair recovery, you know,
(03:34):
based off of seeing other adults, based off of my
parents' relationships. So it just kind of made sense when
I stumbled upon this specialization. Before I practiced this specialty,
I was in a doctor's office. I had started a
pilot program to bring therapeutic services into a private medical practice.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
I went to a treatment.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
Center, and then I fell upon this at a group
private practice, and then I fell in love with this
and ever since then, I stepped out on my own
to start my private practice two years ago, and this
is where we are.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
You fell in love with this? Why? How? What was
it about us? And when we say it, what we're
talking about?
Speaker 3 (04:25):
The nature just the basic sex topic, just the basic
topic of sex. We don't talk about it. We're not
taught how to engage in our sexuality from an unhealthy way.
It doesn't matter what your orientation is, how you show
up in that capacity. We're just not talk these things
from a societal perspective, academic peers, there's just like it's
(04:48):
like this hush hust thing that everybody does and it's
just like you know, it ends up coming out and
you know, very questionable ways. And so I just wanted
to talk about this because sous I wanted people to grow.
I grew because professionally, it is first off our priority
to work on ourselves. And this particular topic I had
(05:10):
an unhealthy relationship was when it came to sex. So
when I discovered sex important addiction and sex therapy and
a fair recovery, it was just like, oh, this is
another level of being a human that people or just
unaware of and then how I am as a person
and as well as how I am as a therapist.
It just comes out differently like I am not afraid
(05:33):
to discuss these tense, uncomfortable topics because it's just like
like I said before, we're engaging in it, so why
can't we talk about it right?
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Right? Okay, So you found this, you said something clicked
for you or maybe was a gradual but at some
point you're like, I want to do this? Did you
what did you go to school for this? Specifically? How
did you start to educate yourself about this particular topic.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
I learned initially with the director of the practice that
I was working at. Then he kind of required that
I was an independent therapist or independent contract therapist, so
he required that we engage in a certification process that
is advertised through the Heart to Heart Counseling Center. I
(06:29):
don't know if you've heard of doctor Doug Weiss. He's out.
He's based out of Colorado.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
I have.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
I've had him on the podcast.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Yeah, so he's my supervisor. He is amazing.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
He validated me as a therapist because he is no
nonsense and he plays no games with his clients and
so like when he was my supervisor, I told him,
I was like, you made me feel good as a therapist.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
He was like, can do You're gonna be great. You're
gonna be great.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
You need to step out on your own and I
got you whatever you need you just let me know.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
I'm just like, Okay.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
So I studied under him, and then I'm currently under
supervision for my sex therapy certification with doctor Jennifer Conson.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
She's based out of California. And so I've just.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Fallen upon these gurus, these mentors that have taken me
under their wings and have just molded and motivated me,
but inspired me to pursue this. They have given me
confidence and the knowledge that I've acquired. How I show
up as a therapist with my clients and they're can like.
They're like, Candrew, You're fine, Like you are doing this, girl,
(07:33):
just believe in yourself and keep doing what you're doing.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
I'm just like, Okay, So that's great.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Well, I gotta say, you have this incredible energy about you,
and I could totally You're welcome. I could totally see
what they were talking about in part Okay, let me
what is porn? How do you define porn. How do
I do?
Speaker 2 (07:54):
That is the first time I've been asked about that question.
How do I define porn?
Speaker 1 (07:59):
M Well, how is how is it defined in the literature?
Speaker 3 (08:02):
Well, I'm assuming, uh, sexual images that are depicted on
a screen or depicted in areas that aren't like you
have to go to an isolated you know, it's not
something that you could just go to the regular movies
to go see, you know, and it's sexual in nature.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
It sexual, okay, sexually explicit because I'm thinking, uh, like
it's on a continuum. It is. You've got the like
you know, the old Victorious Secret catalog with women in
lingerie all the way up.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Okay, like imagery like that, silhouettes of people's bodies, scantily
clad people see through things.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
It could be many women, however you identify.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Yourself just like the the discrete but indiscreete notion of
new forms or however it's expressed. It's just like, oh, okay, okay.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
And then all the way to.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
The sexual act, all the way to the sexual act.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Okay. So how would how porn addiction? What is it? So?
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (09:23):
Because I just did a podcast interview with another professional
who did not like the word porn addiction, sex addiction,
and I definitely understand because people struggle with identifying addiction
when it comes to like substance alcohol, with those who
(09:44):
engage in porn or sex, there's a struggle there. I'm
not here to debate that. However, My definition of porn
or sex addiction is you engaging in unhealthy, compulsive sexual
behaviors that impact every level of your life, whether it's relational,
(10:05):
whether it's work, whether it's school, whatever the case may be.
It's a compulsive act. It's you having unhealthy coping skills,
and it's you engaging in something to self soothe as
opposed to processing your emotions, communicating how you feel, sharing
your thoughts, whatever the case may be. Sense of hiding.
(10:29):
I'm hiding. I'm trying to numb these feelings. I'm just
trying to run from them, as opposed to let me
address them, let me work through them, let me talk
about them. And that is another that's another path to.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
To go down. What the inability to talk about it? Okay, well,
let's put that on the side here, So use the
word compulsive compulsive meaning inability to stop in a sense regulating.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Okay, now, just being triggered to Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
But like you brought up substance abuse right oftentimes and
correct me if I'm wrong. Here, the addiction comes into
play when it starts impacting one's life, their ability to work.
They start rearranging their lives in order to get the
substance whatever that is. So here, similarly, I'm assuming that
(11:25):
porn addiction is when someone is compulsively engaging watching this
and hours are going by, They're not working, they're not
interacting with their kids or family or whatever. It's impacting
their job. Is that correct? Okay? So people come to
you and they say what and you do what?
Speaker 2 (11:48):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (11:49):
God, This is where it gets tricky because there are
levels to this.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Right, Okay, sure there is.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Say you're acting out with porn, your partner doesn't know
about it. They discover, Hey, you didn't tell me that
you watched porn. We didn't have this discussion. This is
a part of our sexual boundaries as a relationship. You know,
I feel betrayed, you know, we need to address this.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
That's one way.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Or we have affairs where it could be one instance,
it could be multiple, you know, and then they come
to me and it's just like, Okay, I need to
figure we need to figure out how why and how
we can work through this. Or you have situau Instagram
in Facebook where you're just constantly scrolling looking at different images.
(12:41):
They don't have to necessarily be nude images, form fitting
figures showing you know, and you're just scrolling it.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
Does It seems innocent? Right?
Speaker 3 (12:51):
However your partner is uncomfortable by it because they're internalizing
that they're not good enough, or you're just continuing to
do this all the time, you're finding moments throughout the
day it's just oh, let me get a dopamine boost.
I'm just gonna scroll a little bit, or I'm just
gonna send this text to someone that's not my partner
(13:15):
because I feel whatever I feel, and I can't talk
to my partner about it. Like it shows up in
so many ways.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Guy, it's it's.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
Sore you are. You're making a distinction between just scroll
looking at images to kind of more compulsive stuff. Correct, Okay,
And I'm assuming also, and correct me if I'm wrong
here that oftentimes this is negatively impacting one's relationship. Yes,
(13:45):
I mean they're not they're not sharing it with their
partner or is there a way that this could positively
impact the relationship, add a little spice to the relationship.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
So we're gonna define book. So you have the I
found you acting out with porn. I didn't know about it.
Now we got to figure out when did this start?
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Right? Okay, then we have a Oh we're.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
Having a conversation about our sexual relationship, you know, and
you tell me that you enjoy watching porn, and I
feel comfortable enough engaging in it with you. Nonetheless, a
conversation needs to be had when there's no conversation in
their secrecy happening, that's when it becomes.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
The part problems.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Okay, so someone comes to you, and I understand every
case is different, but what do you start to wonder
when someone comes to you? What are some of the
things you get curious about? Maybe what do you ask?
Let me let me say this is there? You know,
(14:53):
you talk, You listen to someone like abormonte He talks
about trauma and addiction, and he says addiction, trauma is there.
Most often trauma involved with this.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
I wouldn't necessarily say there's trauma, there is something, and
a lot of the times there's a lack of attachment,
secure attachment. With those earlier relationships, there's.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
A lack of.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
Acquiring effective communication skills or emotionally secure environments to be
able to share my emotions where I'm not feeling dismissed, minimized, abandoned, rejected,
whatever the case may be.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
So it's mental, it's emotional.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
There's just so many things at play that lead to
these particular things. But yeah, it's not just necessarily trauma.
There could be.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
But I mean, in all fairness, everything you mentioned could
be traumatic.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
It could be traumatic. It could right, and.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Not having that certainly not having that attachment to be traumatic. Okay,
So so back to my question, what do someone comes
to you, How do you start to do your assessment?
What are you curious about?
Speaker 2 (16:13):
So I definitely start with.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
Discovery, like how did we find out about this or
how did the partner find out? Then I go down
the path of what the relationship does look like over
the course of time. But then I narrow it down
to the individuals when it comes to okay, what was
what was your upbringing when it comes to talking about sex,
what was your upbringing when it comes a to talking
(16:37):
about your emotions? Was there safety in any of these things.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Was it just.
Speaker 3 (16:42):
Basic level or you know, was it this type of
environment where you couldn't say nothing, do nothing, you just
had to be quiet, or there was this a overstimulation
of these things so where you couldn't regulate how what
was appropriate?
Speaker 2 (16:56):
What was it?
Speaker 3 (16:57):
It could be either or So I'm starting from and
working my way back all the way to individual background
as well.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Mm hmm. Now you said previously you on another podcast
and the host Sarah was having an issue with calling
it addiction. Can you elaborate on that? So it what
was going on?
Speaker 3 (17:21):
So there's in this field there's a lot of debate
around what to classify this as. Does it fall under addiction?
Is it compulsive behaviors? I don't get caught up with
the nuances of labels and defining. I focus on how
can we help the person the couple, So I respect
(17:44):
her struggling with the word addiction associated with sex and porn.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
It's the same thing when.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
It comes to the idea of when it comes to addiction,
abstinence right as a to harm reduction. You see what
I'm saying. Not everybody falls into these categories, into these labels.
So there are stances and everybody has the right to
have their own opinion and stance, specifically with the unprofessional
(18:14):
for world to feel how they feel, and I respect
all of it because at the end of the day,
I'm just here to help people. That's why I consider
myself as an eclectic therapist, and my approach is different
because I don't get caught up in jargon.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
That's not what I'm right, right, right, right. In one sense, however,
if this is negatively impacting someone's life, something's going on
and maybe it needs to be addressed, especially if they're
coming to a therapist like yourself. They're saying they need help.
Something's off. Okay, give us I'm gonna put you on
(18:50):
the spot here. Can you give us kind of a
case study of someone you worked with? What it looked like.
Why do they come to you? I'm guessing when they
come to you things have been going on for a while.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
So I have one who came to me because he
was finally ready to like really put forth the effort
to engage in his recovery journey, seriously intentionally tried to
do it on his own. It did not work. He
(19:28):
has a background of abandonment, rejection when his parents died early.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
The living parent.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
Wasn't as emotionally available and understanding as the parent that passed.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
And so, okay, so you obviously uncovered this. He didn't.
I'm assuming he didn't come to you and say, you know,
I have this point addiction, this is I have all
this in my history? Was he aware of any of that?
Speaker 3 (20:02):
To the to the point of how I dissect people.
I read people as if they are novels, and I
engage in questions that helped me discover the things that
I need to understand the bigger picture.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
But I do it such as what such.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
As we start with an experience, right say, let's say
with the with the parent that passed. So my question
is more more so of what did that parent provide
for you? What happened to you after that parent passed
and the parent that was in your life did they
(20:42):
were they able to provide the same thing? If they didn't,
what did they give you? And how did that make
you feel? In comparison? So I dependent because I only
get an hour, God like, I can only get so much.
So I'm constantly I'm constantly trying to pull you know,
that rug that starts unraveling I'm pulling that string every session.
(21:06):
I'm pulling that string and pulling that string. I do
start where they are and how they show up in
the you know, initially, but like when we start getting
into the weeds.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Of stuff, I am. I am a detective.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
It's very important because that's how you understand your client,
and that's how you create a treatment plan and be
able to work on goals and come up with interventions.
Like you got to really be in tuned and connected
therapeutically with your client.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
To be able to help them. If not, what are
you doing?
Speaker 1 (21:40):
I'm assuming there's a lot of shame involved, so much shame.
Speaker 3 (21:44):
So much guilt, so much isolation, misunderstanding, and so it's
the reworking of core beliefs, values, perceptions, self perceptions.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Self worth, self love, of reparenting that inner child. It's
so much stuff.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Is that that? All of what you just said right
now sounds really important to me because I'm as we're talking,
I'm thinking to myself, how does someone heal? What is
what does the healing journey look like? What do they
have to do? And I'm wondering if like substance abuse,
(22:29):
substance addiction, the healing journey on that we hear that
you know that takes many That is a struggle, right,
people are going back to recovery centers over and over
and over again. Is it similar in this top with
this topic.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
It is.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
It is because you have to be committed right and
you have to understand that this takes work, just like
substance abuse, just like alcoholism. You have to show up
for yourself every day. You have to put all these
resources in place. Expect you to get it right because
nobody is perfect. We're perfecting our imperfections and will never
(23:05):
fully arrive. But I need you to show up. As
long as you show up, we can go from there.
But you have to be intentional.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Is there? Let me ask you, pull back and ask
you broad a question. And I know this is different
from many people, but what are some of the reasons
people engage in this behavior?
Speaker 3 (23:31):
Struggles with vulnerability, struggles with being able to be emotionally open,
struggles with communicating their needs, understanding their partners' needs, not
having a deeper understanding of what intimacy is outside of
physical connection, emotional connection, mental connection, spiritual connection.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
However you identify spiritually.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Being able to see beyond the surface of one another
is where the struggle lies.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
And being able to share the.
Speaker 3 (24:08):
Darkest parts of yourself right because people get in relationships
for what it looks like as opposed to the reality
of what it is. And we are all broken vessels
around this joint. And it's like, if you can't show
up in all your glory and all your shadow parts
with the person that you want to commit your life to,
(24:29):
or commit yourself to, or your body to, or share
this world with, then what are you doing?
Speaker 2 (24:35):
What do you doing?
Speaker 1 (24:37):
I mean that everything you just said that's hard to do,
it is. I mean it's hard to be open and
both especially around becoming physically intimate, sexually intimate, and all
those other intimacies you name. That's that's hard to do. Now,
let me let me ask you this, how this your journey,
(25:01):
your professional journey and your studying of this. How has
this impacted you?
Speaker 2 (25:05):
Oh? Man?
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Well, the way I show up in my relationships has
matured over an extended period of time because I see
myself as I learned from my clients, just like they
learn from me. I am no better than them, and
I see pieces of myself and all of them, So
I understand. So I talk to myself as I talk
(25:32):
to them, and it has been it has been a
journey because I have had to hold myself accountable but
also forgive myself for things, forgive others, give myself closure
in situations that people that have hurt me have not
been able to do so. So my level of grace
(25:53):
and empathy has just been cultivated in a sense of
I have solid boundaries and there's only certain types of
people that I can have in my life. And so
it's if anything has matured me to a place to
where I'm okay with being alone because I ain't lonely.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
And I'm okay with that.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Is there from your experience, And again, i know it's
different for everybody, But I'm curious in your work, are
there certain elements, especially with this topic, Are there certain
elements that you feel your clients need or are looking
(26:44):
for when they come to see you.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
I think it's emotions.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
I think emotion emotionally focused therapy is probably the best
thing that could have ever happened.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
However, not I'm not talking about I'm not talking about treatments, Okay.
What I'm talking about is when clients who come to you,
are they essentially searching for something. Yes, are they desperately
in need of something?
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (27:08):
What it still stems off of mostly focused therapy.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
I need to feel seen and I need to feel heard.
M hm, that's it because most people struggle.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Je.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
It's so good, it's so big, because it's just like
whether it's from family members, whether if it's past intimate relationships.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
They didn't get that, you know, they didn't get that.
Speaker 3 (27:35):
And if they did, like I said earlier, rejected, abandoned, dismissed,
gas lit, minimized, ignored, whatever you want to call it,
you know, and so they kind of withdrew and figured out,
excuse me, engaging in other things to help them cope
(27:57):
with addressing that stuff, and it may have not been
the healthiest.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Previously. We were we were talking and we're a topic
was brought up and you said, well, that's a whole
different avenue that we can go down. Do you recalled
what that was.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
That we were talking about, like communication.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Like yeah, yeah, I said, let's put that on the
side here and go back to that. W say more
about that.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
We are not taught how to talk to each other.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
We are not taught how to be able to share
our emotions in an effective way, in an honest way,
to where we don't feel defensive.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
The other person is not defensive from.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
What they're saying, They're just sharing their experience and being
able to sit in that we taught those things. And
so it's just and still to this day, you know,
it's still like an issue because we have the generation
now who don't even know how to talk to one
another cause.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
It's all about screen time.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
They all want to text, like they can't have a
face or face conversation, right.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
And then when you talk about emotions, what are emotions?
Speaker 3 (28:59):
Sadness, anger, like these basic things, these basic things. So
you know, but that comes from the foundation that was
laid from our parents.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
I'm not beating up parents.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
I'm just saying that you project what was projected upon
you because we all come into this world not fully
put together, and where we learn based off of what
we observe, based off of what we're taught, whether it
be consciously unconsciously, and breaking that cycle, breaking that dysfunctional pattern,
(29:32):
baking bake, breaking these generational defaults is it's challenging and
not a lot of people want to do the work
or you know, it's this victim mentality. Well, I tried
my best and and it's just it just it gets
(29:53):
there's a lot of pointing fingers and trying to escape and.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Gas.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
No, let me ask you a question and excuse my nift.
I don't know a lot about this topic. Is there
a racial component to this?
Speaker 3 (30:14):
So I say that there is because I see it.
I when I first started out, I mostly worked with
individuals that identify themselves as white or Caucasian. It wasn't
until I started my own practice to now I have
(30:36):
a very diverse case low And that's all I wanted
because I knew it impacted every racial context more so
than anything within the Black culture because naturally we're a
highly sexualized people.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
You know, we've gone through so much in that particular.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
Area, but we've normalized it and then it's kind of
spilled over into other races to where they feel like
they should present in a certain way, and it's just like, nah,
that's not that's not that's not healthy. So yes, there's
a racial aspect to this as well.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
Interesting all right, Kendra, look, I'm gonna have to have
you back. There's obviously a lot to talk about here.
We've scratched a surface. What what's the best play for
people to to learn more about what you're doing.
Speaker 3 (31:34):
You can google my name Kendrick King, Charlotte, North Carolina.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
I'll immediately pop up.
Speaker 3 (31:40):
You can go to my website, The Healingheartthapycenter dot com,
or you can email me at Kendra at the Healing
Heartthapycenter dot com.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Okay, So, and just briefly for for the listeners, uh, therapists,
coaches of all kinds. If if they want to learn
more about this, any resource, what's a good resource, basic
resource for them? If the book or whatever.
Speaker 2 (32:11):
Basic resource for them?
Speaker 3 (32:13):
Just google, just google sex and porn addiction really, sex
and porn addiction field, a fair recoveryfield, sex therapy field, like,
just start with the basics. Google is your friend, but
definitely doctor Doug Wise. There are others, but I'm always
referring to him because that's kind of who I did
(32:34):
my tutorial under. So my learning, my expansion and knowledge.
But there are so many things out there you just
gotta look for because it's there.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
Okay, Kendra, appreciate you, love it, love talking to you.
Thank you, thank you so much for being here having
me all right, Okay,
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