August 26, 2025 • 32 mins
Roberto Diaz Herrera Jr. was born into the rigid confines of macho Latin American culture, where strength, sex, and violence were the defining traits of manhood.
Raised in Panama under the shadow of his father—Colonel Roberto Diaz Herrera, the former Chief of Staff and close ally to dictator Manuel Noriega—he was expected to embody the same ideals of dominance and aggression. In a world where compassion and vulnerability were seen as weakness, he was constantly reminded, “You are the son of a tiger.” For him, Noriega wasn’t just a political figure—he was Uncle Tony.
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The Trauma Therapist Podcast: I interview thought-leaders in the fields of trauma, mindfulness, addiction and yoga such as Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Bessel van der Kolk and Bruce Perry. https://bit.ly/3VRNy8z
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Raised in Panama under the shadow of his father—Colonel Roberto Diaz Herrera, the former Chief of Staff and close ally to dictator Manuel Noriega—he was expected to embody the same ideals of dominance and aggression. In a world where compassion and vulnerability were seen as weakness, he was constantly reminded, “You are the son of a tiger.” For him, Noriega wasn’t just a political figure—he was Uncle Tony.
You can learn more about what I do here:
The Trauma Therapist Newsletter: celebrates the people and voices in the mental health profession. And it's free! Check it out here: https://bit.ly/4jGBeSa
The Trauma Therapist Podcast: I interview thought-leaders in the fields of trauma, mindfulness, addiction and yoga such as Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Bessel van der Kolk and Bruce Perry. https://bit.ly/3VRNy8z
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-trauma-therapist--5739761/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Trauma Dips podcast. My name is Ga Macpherson.
I interview incredible people who dedicated their lives to helping
those who've been impacted by trauma. Here we go, so
five four, three, two and one, our folks, welcome back
to the podcast. Very excited to hap as my guests today.
Roberto Diaz Herrera, Roberto, welcome.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Thank you, doctor. Directorson how are you doing today?
Speaker 1 (00:25):
All right, I'm doing good. Roberto Junior was born into
the rigid confines of macho Latin American culture, where strength,
sex and violence with the defining traits of manhood. Raised
in Panama under the shadow of his father, General Roberto
Diaz Herrera, the former chief of staff and close ally
to Dictator Manuel Noriega, he was expected to embide it
(00:47):
the same ideals of dominance and aggression in a world
where compassion and vulnerability were seen as weakness. He was constant,
constantly reminded, you are the son of a tiger. For him,
Noriega just political political figure. He was Uncle Tony. Today
we're going to be talking about Roberto's book Son of
a Tiger coming out. Roberto, welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Thank you, doctor. Macpherson.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
You can call me guy.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Okay, thank you guy.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
This guy is fine. So before we get going, share
with the listeners where you're from originally and where you
are currently.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Yes, so I was born in Panama and and and
like you said, I was, I was born under these
inside a military family. Now, just I wanted to do
a quick correction. My father was not didn't get the
rank of general. He was a colonel. But unlike the US,
(01:46):
where there I don't even know, you know, they could
be or Canada. I don't know how Canada is is is,
But in North America you tend to have a lot
of generals. In Panama, there was only one, and that
was Uncle Tony. Uncle TONI was the only and so
(02:07):
below him were about eight colonels and one of them
is the chief of staff for his number two.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
And that was okay, all right, thank you for that clarification.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
And I'm in Panama. I'm back in Panama because I
left at a young age. I left about twelve and
traveled with my mom to the United States, and then
I lived in different countries like Venezuela, Spain, Sweden, and
(02:43):
inside the US, I lived in several different states, Louisiana
mostly at first, then Georgia, then Tennessee, and then I
went to Hawaii. And that's a big part of what
I want to share with that decision that I that
I did to go to Hawaii and then I went
(03:03):
to California, and that was the trip to Hawaii was
the beginning of my healing process.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Okay, So let's we're gonna be talking about the book.
The book is called Son of a Tiger. It is
coming out and we'll have information about that later on.
So talk a little bit about what growing up within
(03:35):
this context was like for you. And I said a
little bit about it in the bio. Was violent. I mean,
I I can't imagine, but share with our listeners what
it was like.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Okay, So you know that one of the references that
I've heard from several people as as we've gone in
the you know, process of creating this book, which I'm
creating with a team of people, is it is they
(04:08):
mentioned like, oh my god, this is like a mafia family.
Like you know, you've seen the Mafia movies, you know
all of them, and they're so tight knit and then
something happens and they're like, oh, he's got to go.
That was what it felt like because we were a
it was a military family. I grew up with bodyguards,
(04:32):
and I say plural, like in my dad's house there
was fifteen bodyguards and maybe three guards. So the fifteen
bodyguards wore planes closed and the three guards were in
military with machine guns. All the bodyguards carried either hand
(04:54):
you know, handguns or you know, if they carried a
mini Uzi or something like that. They they had it
in like a you know, covered so but the other
guys were military. So it was like we got threats,
you know, on our lives because the it was a
dictatorship and people were against the dictatorship, and so it
(05:19):
was not unusual to have threats. And so how this
developed was into this, you know, my father, the whole
thing with Son of a Tiger, which to this day,
I still don't know whether the our publisher will will
adopt the name or they might tweak it a little bit,
(05:40):
but that's the working title. Let's call it that. And
son of a Tiger is because it's a saying that
we have in Latin America, and that is like son
of a tiger is born with stripes. It's what they
say in Spanish equal and the you know, it's basically,
(06:01):
if you're son of a tiger, you're going to have stripes,
You're going to be like your dad. It's it's the
apple doesn't fall far from the tree analogy. And and
my dad was, you know, also a victim of trauma,
and he perpetuated it into me, not because he was
(06:24):
a bad dad, or it's what he thought he was
doing the right thing. And so our story is so intertwined, guy,
that I feel like when I was born, it's a
perfect example of how our life was going to pan
out between the two of us. The day I was born,
(06:45):
nineteen seventy one, the fifth of August, my father's on
a military mission, and you know, my mom's you know,
my mom was nine months pregnant with me. And he's
on a military mission and his and he is in
a helicopter and the helicopter crashes and is a total loss,
(07:07):
and he walks out of this helicopter and two hours like, no,
four hours later, five hours later, I'm born. Like we
literally almost were ships, you know, passing in the night,
like we almost didn't meet each other, and our lives
had been a complete battle with these these these traumas
(07:31):
that he wanted to to in his own way. He
felt making me an alpha male, macho tough you know,
hit first, ask question second, Yeah, was the best way
to raise me.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
No, let me let me pause you for a second, Roberto.
So when you were what, when did you start realizing
holy crap, the this is what's going on in my family.
When you were what ten eleven, twelve, thirteen.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Fourteen, excellent question, guy. You know, it all seemed pretty normal,
and I would say the you know, like we grew
up with it, so it felt normal. But the key
(08:26):
moment when I knew, okay, something is way off is
the moment when my dad and Uncle Tony went head
to head. So they had been having competition and you know,
like this little rivalry, but when Uncle Tony ascended to general,
(08:47):
then he became his direct boss, and you know, the
relationship changed because they went up in the ranks over
a period of like twenty years working side by side.
But once he elevated to the rank of general, then
my father had to take a step back, and so
(09:07):
they went head to head over several things. And we
don't have enough time in the podcast for me to
tell you all about it. Let's just say they went
head to head, and my father then became a whistleblower.
And everybody in Panama knew already.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
That Uncle Tony was dealing with the Colombian cartel, that
he had ordered assassinations, that he had rigged the elections.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
And all these things, and my father was the everybody
knew it, but nobody had said it within the government.
And so when my dad, being number two, came out
in public and said it, it was that moment of
like that mafia family when like, oh, he's talking to
the Feds, you know, like oh, And so when he
(10:02):
went public, Uncle Tony was like, oh, no, he's got
to go. And on the twenty seventh of July. So
to answer your question, I'll give you a very specific date.
Twenty seventh of July of nineteen eighty seven, Uncle Tony
sends armed troops to our house to capture my father,
(10:24):
and we had helicopters flying over our house with fifty
millimeters caliber guns on the side, shooting at a rooftop
and the tear gas being thrown inside our home for
us to be smoked out. And I mean that right there.
(10:48):
It was the how old were you at that time,
I'm fifteen years old and I'm also my dad's bodyguard.
You know, at that time, he's not training me like
a kid. I am a soldier and I am carrying
weapons and guarding him when he's sleeping like he you know,
(11:11):
he came to me and told me, you know, son,
I don't trust anybody. Anybody could try to kill me.
I need you and your brother to sleep on the
door and nobody gets through, like you know, like you
guys are and bolt of Us had weapons and so
it was like that kind of environment. And when they
came in, they came in with anti uh you know,
(11:33):
you know, elite Israeli trained troops, all wearing gas, you know,
black gas. Mad like they came in shooting. So we're
in a room, okay, all our family and some bodyguards
and the people that were left in the house. Everybody's
in this one room. We're packed in there, and they
(11:54):
start shooting. And I see as they're shooting, this is
like maybe sick in the morning, and the sun's just
coming out, and as the bullets are hitting the door
and the and and and you know, the projectiles are
going just a few feet above our heads as we're
laying on the ground. I see the holes and the
(12:16):
sunlight starting to come in through each hole, and the
wood like just dristling, like if it was snow out.
And I'm looking at this and I'm going I'll never
see this again. And and and I'm like, oh my god,
they're gonna come in and just mow us down like
we you know, I just in my mind I imagine
(12:37):
they're just coming spraying us all. And like I'm I'm
so like, oh my god, this is said, this is it.
My brother's hugging me and he's like, I can't believe
we're gonna die like this. And the bullets are flying.
And I'll tell you, guys, as scary as that was,
it didn't even compare to what happened a minute later,
(13:00):
because we get pulled out and for some reason, I
don't know, divine intervention, the universe, whatever you want to
call it. They didn't kill us, but they I mean,
it could have been easily all of us dead. If
anybody would have been closed the door, they would have
been blown away. And they came in and they pull
(13:22):
us out. Maybe it was because we had women there.
My little brother was five years old and I had
other younger siblings, but the youngest was five. And as
they pull us out of the home and pushes and
you know, are pushing us down outside of the house,
(13:47):
someone says, that's junior, that's Roberto ds Junior. He's supposed
to be some tough kid. Let's see how tough he is.
And they start beating me with the backs of the
guns between I don't know, four six, seven, I don't know,
kicking me, beating me, and at that moment, I thought
(14:08):
they were going to beat me to death, and that
is way scarier than being shot, right, And I just
I just thought like, oh my god, you know. And
I'm like holding on, curling up and just taking the
blows and I'm like and I just start crying and
yelling for my dad. And at that moment, my dad
(14:30):
speaks up and says, hey, who is in charge here?
And somebody says I am, and he's like, well, take
control of the situation, and they and then he's and
then he gets them to stop.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
So, you know, so they didn't they didn't get your dad. Well,
my dad was.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Being slapped around, but for some reason they they took
it on me, you know, maybe because you know as
a father, now I can tell you I will take
a beating for my son any day, you know what
I mean, Like it's even worse or more of a torture,
you know, to see your son getting beaten than of
(15:09):
course you know, yeah, wow, damn yeah, dude.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
I mean there's no words for that.
Speaker 4 (15:24):
So okay, how at what point did you there's a
lot obviously there's a lot of a gon here. There's
this intense culture.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
How did you get to a point where you decided
to write this book? And in order to do that? Roberto,
where did you have to remove yourself? I mean, as
you grew up, did you were you able to remove
yourself from this culture?
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Guy? That's that's that's again. Really I want to anowledge.
You're asking amazing questions.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
This is why I get paid the big bucks.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
You know, this is it's truly, it's it was you
know at that moment after that happens, I get so
full of anger, guy, Like you know, so full of
anger that things that came out of my mind were
(16:28):
in my mouth were pure poison. You know. I you know,
I I wanted to kill Uncle Tony, you know, and
I vowed that I would kill him someday and and uh,
and if I couldn't kill him because I couldn't get
to him, I would kill his daughters or I would
kill his grandkids. I mean I had said I was
(16:50):
sixteen and just full of anger, because actually I was fifteen.
And by the time this happened and I got we
got sent away to.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
This like baby.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
It was right around I turned sixteen, a few days after,
and all of this just came in and I got
so extremely poisoned with this anger over what happened that
you know, part of the things that I'm going to
talk about that are very I think it might be
(17:22):
difficult for some people to read, but I really want
to have the reader see where that darkness took me,
that anger. You know, I beat her up a sixteen
year old. I beat up my girlfriend at sixteen. I
hit her, not just hate her. I punched her in
(17:42):
the face. And obviously I'm like, so sorry I ever
did that. And I can't even like, I wish I
could talk to that kid now, But he was just
pure hatred and anger. Because this although as big as
(18:03):
this event is, guy, it's nothing compared to how I
had felt before. And and it's it's it's why I've
been diagnosed with complex PTSD because this was just one
of the things that I dealt with in my life.
And and you know, if we start talking about the
(18:26):
sexual trauma in itself, like that's that's a whole other thing,
that that that even goes beyond the violence, like the
violence was ones thing. Then there's the sexual trauma and
and you know, all of this put together just made
this very angry team that that like punched in the
(18:50):
face his girlfriend. But at that at that moment, it
was like it was I was out of my body.
It wasn't even me. It was like this this anger
just over me that closed my eyes like a like
a shark in a in a in a in a frenzy,
(19:10):
like my eyes going back and I just not there.
And to pull away from that took many years. And
it was what I said at the beginning, guy that
the trip to Hawaii became my healing. And I really
think it's a it's an important thing that I want
(19:31):
to share to the readers and to and to your
to your listeners and this podcast is that at the
darkest moment of my life, when I just couldn't, I
didn't think I could live anymore. I was drinking heavily
to sleep every night I had. What was in my
(19:58):
mind was I wanted to murder my father and I
hated him for everything had put me and my sisters
and my siblings through, and I wanted to I literally
plan to murder him. And I was constantly thinking, like
how do I do it and not get away? Or
do I just need to kill him and just let
(20:19):
the police shoot me? Like I was at that darkness,
at that level of the bottom.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
How old were you at that time?
Speaker 2 (20:29):
I was about twenty four, okay, And and you know again,
I feel it was divine intervention. A college roommate calls
me and he's like, Roberto, I just moved to MAUI
I paid a year in advance on my rent. I
(20:51):
have two bedrooms on a beach. I know that your goal,
one of your goals in life has been to learn
how to serve. Why don't you come stay with me?
And I was so afraid because I thought I needed
to focus on my career and do this. I had
graduated university and I was like, you know, I'm supposed
(21:12):
to do all these things that I'm supposed to do
and my heart was telling me, are you kidding me?
Hawaii surfing, and I took that decision to move to
Hawaii that now twenty almost almost thirty years later, I'm like,
(21:34):
it was the thing that saved my life. It was
so what I love to share with the people that
are listening to you in your podcast, that are ever
in a place where they get to that point where
they don't know that they want to continue living. Follow
(21:55):
your heart. Your heart will tell you where to go, guy,
It will guide you if you can listen to it.
And my mind was telling me, no, you gotta do this.
You gotta work, You're gonna make money, you gotta do this,
and my heart was telling me, just go and beat
and surf. And I did that and it brought me.
(22:20):
The surfing brought me to the pressent because everything else
I either lived in the past or the future.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Roberto, I just want to say something as you're talking,
you know, I don't know if I've ever done an
interview like this. I mean, there's so much about you,
and there's so much about your story obviously that is
(22:54):
simultaneously quite scary but yet tragic and traumatic. And to
hear you speak about moving through these different experiences and
then kind of like what you experienced in that move
(23:15):
toward to Hawaii was really inspiring in a sense. You know,
I'm curious as we kind of wind down here and again,
I just want to remind everyone I'm speaking with Roberto Herrera.
His forthcoming book is called Son of a Tiger, that's
(23:37):
the working title. But as you sit here now, do
you feel you're on a path of healing continually? Do
you feel like you've gotten over the edge a bit
where I'm sure writing the book has served as part of.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
That excellent question again, guy, So it's it's so I've
been in therapy for so many years, probably twenty some years,
off and on different therapists as I moved, and every
(24:22):
single one of them, when they started to hear these stories,
all of them agree, they're like, you gotta do a
book like this is not a usual trauma story. And
so it's it's you know, it's why I'm doing it.
It's because, guy, if there's something I want to do,
(24:44):
it it's for my family, for the healing inside my family.
Because I'm sure you've heard this quite a bit. When
there's trauma inside families, nobody wants to talk about it.
They don't want to bring it in the open. And
this has been like the other title that I thought
about for this for this book was, uh, don't say anything,
(25:09):
because that was what I was told all the time.
Don't talk about that, don't say anything, just keep disquiet,
don't All of it was this this secrecy. And what
I've gotten is through all the different tools that I've
used to be able to transform that Roberto, that violent, womanizing,
(25:38):
sexual addict, alcoholic, you know, that consumed large amounts of cocaine,
all of that to a man who now you know,
doesn't touch a drop of alcohol. It's trying to vegan
diet for a couple of years now because I don't
(26:00):
want to harm another living being, and you know, meditate
daily and practice yoga and do all these things. I
just want to help people that were at that same
place there I was and uh, and and have them
(26:23):
know that they can make it through. If I made
it through, you can make it through as well.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Are you currently married?
Speaker 2 (26:38):
I am the kids, yes, I have two kids, And
thank you for bringing that up, because it is it
is a big part of why I do what I
want to do too, is because you know, I'm very
aware of my mortality. I don't know how long I'll
be here and my kids will be I hope and
(26:59):
trust and pray that they will be here long after
I'm gone, and I don't want these stories to die
with me, and not just for my children. But I'm
sure you know, like trauma goes generationally, and you know
if you had some great people in your podcast talk
(27:21):
about the generational trauma that sometimes people don't even see
it and then it gets to next generations. And so
I want to bring it all out in the open
so that these traumas don't affect not only just my
children or my grandchildren, but my nephews, my nieces in
(27:42):
their children, because it's all rooted in this family history
that nobody wants to speak about. And so I want
to bring it all to light and to also encourage
others to speak up about their own traumas because for
the longest time, you know, I, you know I, Well,
(28:06):
let me put it this way. I spoke to you
about my five year old brother at the time when
this happened. I for many years told him, let's let's
let's do this together, Let's go to this course, let's
let's take this, you know, let's do this self awareness
(28:27):
week at this place or whatever it was. And he's
just like, oh man, that thing didn't affect me. It
just and he was in this deep denial that that
strong of an incident had any effect in his life.
He is currently in prison for being violent. And it
(28:48):
is exactly what I don't want to continue in our lineage,
in our lives. And if we just keep it quiet,
this is what will happen.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
And like, are you concerned? Is there any repercussions that
could possibly happen to you because of writing this book
from your family or with the family?
Speaker 2 (29:15):
Absolutely? Guy. It is the thing that scares me the
most is, you know, my intention is to bring healing,
and I've already been told by several members of my family,
what are you going to say? What are you going
to write about? Like, be careful. You know I've been
(29:40):
you know, there's a lot of Yes, there's a lot
of fear, I mean, and of course from my mother
and my father because I'm really bearing it all here.
A guy. I was twelve years old when you know,
(30:02):
my father thought it was a good idea to have
the bodyguards take me to lose my virginity at a
whorehouse at twelve, and that became almost like a weekend thing.
Every weekend, you know, they you know, they take me
to visit horse at twelve. I have a fifteen year
(30:24):
old daughter. Rite this right now, Like for her to
have been sexually active at twelve would have broken my heart,
like I was taken away from being a kid. But again,
and this is the important part, my dad didn't do
it maliciously. It was what he knew ought he was
(30:46):
doing what was best for me by making me this
man's man. And at twelve years old, I thought I
was the man's man. I like, go to my twelve
year old friends, I was like, yo, man, I got
laid this weekend and you know, and I thought I
was the ship and sorry about it, but okay, I
thought I was like the man. And it's like until
(31:10):
years later I was able to see like, oh my god,
what did this do to me? And how am I?
And the reason I'm divorced twice is because of the
introduction into sex that as kewed my relationships with every
single woman that I've ever been in touch with. And
(31:30):
it's part of the of the trauma and accepting who
I am and transcending.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
That Roberto amazing uh story, You're incredible. I just really
appreciate your being here and being willing to share not
only your story but you your yourself and your openness
and your awareness. I mean, to me, that's what this
(31:58):
podcast is all about. The book again, the working title
is called Son of a Tiger. It's forthcoming. I love
to have you back when the book gets published. Being
honored to have you back here, and I just want
to say that I really appreciate you and I find
you very inspiring to talk to.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
So thank you my pleasure. And I want to thank
you doctor Mike Peerson for having this podcast and bringing
awareness to everybody. I plot your efforts and I recognize
you for the healing that you bring in worldwide in
holding this space. I thank you truly.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
All Right, man, we'll be in touch, all right. Take care.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Thank you,
Welcome to the Trauma Dips podcast. My name is Ga Macpherson.
I interview incredible people who dedicated their lives to helping
those who've been impacted by trauma. Here we go, so
five four, three, two and one, our folks, welcome back
to the podcast. Very excited to hap as my guests today.
Roberto Diaz Herrera, Roberto, welcome.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Thank you, doctor. Directorson how are you doing today?
Speaker 1 (00:25):
All right, I'm doing good. Roberto Junior was born into
the rigid confines of macho Latin American culture, where strength,
sex and violence with the defining traits of manhood. Raised
in Panama under the shadow of his father, General Roberto
Diaz Herrera, the former chief of staff and close ally
to Dictator Manuel Noriega, he was expected to embide it
(00:47):
the same ideals of dominance and aggression in a world
where compassion and vulnerability were seen as weakness. He was constant,
constantly reminded, you are the son of a tiger. For him,
Noriega just political political figure. He was Uncle Tony. Today
we're going to be talking about Roberto's book Son of
a Tiger coming out. Roberto, welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Thank you, doctor. Macpherson.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
You can call me guy.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Okay, thank you guy.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
This guy is fine. So before we get going, share
with the listeners where you're from originally and where you
are currently.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Yes, so I was born in Panama and and and
like you said, I was, I was born under these
inside a military family. Now, just I wanted to do
a quick correction. My father was not didn't get the
rank of general. He was a colonel. But unlike the US,
(01:46):
where there I don't even know, you know, they could
be or Canada. I don't know how Canada is is is,
But in North America you tend to have a lot
of generals. In Panama, there was only one, and that
was Uncle Tony. Uncle TONI was the only and so
(02:07):
below him were about eight colonels and one of them
is the chief of staff for his number two.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
And that was okay, all right, thank you for that clarification.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
And I'm in Panama. I'm back in Panama because I
left at a young age. I left about twelve and
traveled with my mom to the United States, and then
I lived in different countries like Venezuela, Spain, Sweden, and
(02:43):
inside the US, I lived in several different states, Louisiana
mostly at first, then Georgia, then Tennessee, and then I
went to Hawaii. And that's a big part of what
I want to share with that decision that I that
I did to go to Hawaii and then I went
(03:03):
to California, and that was the trip to Hawaii was
the beginning of my healing process.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Okay, So let's we're gonna be talking about the book.
The book is called Son of a Tiger. It is
coming out and we'll have information about that later on.
So talk a little bit about what growing up within
(03:35):
this context was like for you. And I said a
little bit about it in the bio. Was violent. I mean,
I I can't imagine, but share with our listeners what
it was like.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Okay, So you know that one of the references that
I've heard from several people as as we've gone in
the you know, process of creating this book, which I'm
creating with a team of people, is it is they
(04:08):
mentioned like, oh my god, this is like a mafia family.
Like you know, you've seen the Mafia movies, you know
all of them, and they're so tight knit and then
something happens and they're like, oh, he's got to go.
That was what it felt like because we were a
it was a military family. I grew up with bodyguards,
(04:32):
and I say plural, like in my dad's house there
was fifteen bodyguards and maybe three guards. So the fifteen
bodyguards wore planes closed and the three guards were in
military with machine guns. All the bodyguards carried either hand
(04:54):
you know, handguns or you know, if they carried a
mini Uzi or something like that. They they had it
in like a you know, covered so but the other
guys were military. So it was like we got threats,
you know, on our lives because the it was a
dictatorship and people were against the dictatorship, and so it
(05:19):
was not unusual to have threats. And so how this
developed was into this, you know, my father, the whole
thing with Son of a Tiger, which to this day,
I still don't know whether the our publisher will will
adopt the name or they might tweak it a little bit,
(05:40):
but that's the working title. Let's call it that. And
son of a Tiger is because it's a saying that
we have in Latin America, and that is like son
of a tiger is born with stripes. It's what they
say in Spanish equal and the you know, it's basically,
(06:01):
if you're son of a tiger, you're going to have stripes,
You're going to be like your dad. It's it's the
apple doesn't fall far from the tree analogy. And and
my dad was, you know, also a victim of trauma,
and he perpetuated it into me, not because he was
(06:24):
a bad dad, or it's what he thought he was
doing the right thing. And so our story is so intertwined, guy,
that I feel like when I was born, it's a
perfect example of how our life was going to pan
out between the two of us. The day I was born,
(06:45):
nineteen seventy one, the fifth of August, my father's on
a military mission, and you know, my mom's you know,
my mom was nine months pregnant with me. And he's
on a military mission and his and he is in
a helicopter and the helicopter crashes and is a total loss,
(07:07):
and he walks out of this helicopter and two hours like, no,
four hours later, five hours later, I'm born. Like we
literally almost were ships, you know, passing in the night,
like we almost didn't meet each other, and our lives
had been a complete battle with these these these traumas
(07:31):
that he wanted to to in his own way. He
felt making me an alpha male, macho tough you know,
hit first, ask question second, Yeah, was the best way
to raise me.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
No, let me let me pause you for a second, Roberto.
So when you were what, when did you start realizing
holy crap, the this is what's going on in my family.
When you were what ten eleven, twelve, thirteen.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Fourteen, excellent question, guy. You know, it all seemed pretty normal,
and I would say the you know, like we grew
up with it, so it felt normal. But the key
(08:26):
moment when I knew, okay, something is way off is
the moment when my dad and Uncle Tony went head
to head. So they had been having competition and you know,
like this little rivalry, but when Uncle Tony ascended to general,
(08:47):
then he became his direct boss, and you know, the
relationship changed because they went up in the ranks over
a period of like twenty years working side by side.
But once he elevated to the rank of general, then
my father had to take a step back, and so
(09:07):
they went head to head over several things. And we
don't have enough time in the podcast for me to
tell you all about it. Let's just say they went
head to head, and my father then became a whistleblower.
And everybody in Panama knew already.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
That Uncle Tony was dealing with the Colombian cartel, that
he had ordered assassinations, that he had rigged the elections.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
And all these things, and my father was the everybody
knew it, but nobody had said it within the government.
And so when my dad, being number two, came out
in public and said it, it was that moment of
like that mafia family when like, oh, he's talking to
the Feds, you know, like oh, And so when he
(10:02):
went public, Uncle Tony was like, oh, no, he's got
to go. And on the twenty seventh of July. So
to answer your question, I'll give you a very specific date.
Twenty seventh of July of nineteen eighty seven, Uncle Tony
sends armed troops to our house to capture my father,
(10:24):
and we had helicopters flying over our house with fifty
millimeters caliber guns on the side, shooting at a rooftop
and the tear gas being thrown inside our home for
us to be smoked out. And I mean that right there.
(10:48):
It was the how old were you at that time,
I'm fifteen years old and I'm also my dad's bodyguard.
You know, at that time, he's not training me like
a kid. I am a soldier and I am carrying
weapons and guarding him when he's sleeping like he you know,
(11:11):
he came to me and told me, you know, son,
I don't trust anybody. Anybody could try to kill me.
I need you and your brother to sleep on the
door and nobody gets through, like you know, like you
guys are and bolt of Us had weapons and so
it was like that kind of environment. And when they
came in, they came in with anti uh you know,
(11:33):
you know, elite Israeli trained troops, all wearing gas, you know,
black gas. Mad like they came in shooting. So we're
in a room, okay, all our family and some bodyguards
and the people that were left in the house. Everybody's
in this one room. We're packed in there, and they
(11:54):
start shooting. And I see as they're shooting, this is
like maybe sick in the morning, and the sun's just
coming out, and as the bullets are hitting the door
and the and and and you know, the projectiles are
going just a few feet above our heads as we're
laying on the ground. I see the holes and the
(12:16):
sunlight starting to come in through each hole, and the
wood like just dristling, like if it was snow out.
And I'm looking at this and I'm going I'll never
see this again. And and and I'm like, oh my god,
they're gonna come in and just mow us down like
we you know, I just in my mind I imagine
(12:37):
they're just coming spraying us all. And like I'm I'm
so like, oh my god, this is said, this is it.
My brother's hugging me and he's like, I can't believe
we're gonna die like this. And the bullets are flying.
And I'll tell you, guys, as scary as that was,
it didn't even compare to what happened a minute later,
(13:00):
because we get pulled out and for some reason, I
don't know, divine intervention, the universe, whatever you want to
call it. They didn't kill us, but they I mean,
it could have been easily all of us dead. If
anybody would have been closed the door, they would have
been blown away. And they came in and they pull
(13:22):
us out. Maybe it was because we had women there.
My little brother was five years old and I had
other younger siblings, but the youngest was five. And as
they pull us out of the home and pushes and
you know, are pushing us down outside of the house,
(13:47):
someone says, that's junior, that's Roberto ds Junior. He's supposed
to be some tough kid. Let's see how tough he is.
And they start beating me with the backs of the
guns between I don't know, four six, seven, I don't know,
kicking me, beating me, and at that moment, I thought
(14:08):
they were going to beat me to death, and that
is way scarier than being shot, right, And I just
I just thought like, oh my god, you know. And
I'm like holding on, curling up and just taking the
blows and I'm like and I just start crying and
yelling for my dad. And at that moment, my dad
(14:30):
speaks up and says, hey, who is in charge here?
And somebody says I am, and he's like, well, take
control of the situation, and they and then he's and
then he gets them to stop.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
So, you know, so they didn't they didn't get your dad. Well,
my dad was.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Being slapped around, but for some reason they they took
it on me, you know, maybe because you know as
a father, now I can tell you I will take
a beating for my son any day, you know what
I mean, Like it's even worse or more of a torture,
you know, to see your son getting beaten than of
(15:09):
course you know, yeah, wow, damn yeah, dude.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
I mean there's no words for that.
Speaker 4 (15:24):
So okay, how at what point did you there's a
lot obviously there's a lot of a gon here. There's
this intense culture.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
How did you get to a point where you decided
to write this book? And in order to do that? Roberto,
where did you have to remove yourself? I mean, as
you grew up, did you were you able to remove
yourself from this culture?
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Guy? That's that's that's again. Really I want to anowledge.
You're asking amazing questions.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
This is why I get paid the big bucks.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
You know, this is it's truly, it's it was you
know at that moment after that happens, I get so
full of anger, guy, Like you know, so full of
anger that things that came out of my mind were
(16:28):
in my mouth were pure poison. You know. I you know,
I I wanted to kill Uncle Tony, you know, and
I vowed that I would kill him someday and and uh,
and if I couldn't kill him because I couldn't get
to him, I would kill his daughters or I would
kill his grandkids. I mean I had said I was
(16:50):
sixteen and just full of anger, because actually I was fifteen.
And by the time this happened and I got we
got sent away to.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
This like baby.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
It was right around I turned sixteen, a few days after,
and all of this just came in and I got
so extremely poisoned with this anger over what happened that
you know, part of the things that I'm going to
talk about that are very I think it might be
(17:22):
difficult for some people to read, but I really want
to have the reader see where that darkness took me,
that anger. You know, I beat her up a sixteen
year old. I beat up my girlfriend at sixteen. I
hit her, not just hate her. I punched her in
(17:42):
the face. And obviously I'm like, so sorry I ever
did that. And I can't even like, I wish I
could talk to that kid now, But he was just
pure hatred and anger. Because this although as big as
(18:03):
this event is, guy, it's nothing compared to how I
had felt before. And and it's it's it's why I've
been diagnosed with complex PTSD because this was just one
of the things that I dealt with in my life.
And and you know, if we start talking about the
(18:26):
sexual trauma in itself, like that's that's a whole other thing,
that that that even goes beyond the violence, like the
violence was ones thing. Then there's the sexual trauma and
and you know, all of this put together just made
this very angry team that that like punched in the
(18:50):
face his girlfriend. But at that at that moment, it
was like it was I was out of my body.
It wasn't even me. It was like this this anger
just over me that closed my eyes like a like
a shark in a in a in a in a frenzy,
(19:10):
like my eyes going back and I just not there.
And to pull away from that took many years. And
it was what I said at the beginning, guy that
the trip to Hawaii became my healing. And I really
think it's a it's an important thing that I want
(19:31):
to share to the readers and to and to your
to your listeners and this podcast is that at the
darkest moment of my life, when I just couldn't, I
didn't think I could live anymore. I was drinking heavily
to sleep every night I had. What was in my
(19:58):
mind was I wanted to murder my father and I
hated him for everything had put me and my sisters
and my siblings through, and I wanted to I literally
plan to murder him. And I was constantly thinking, like
how do I do it and not get away? Or
do I just need to kill him and just let
(20:19):
the police shoot me? Like I was at that darkness,
at that level of the bottom.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
How old were you at that time?
Speaker 2 (20:29):
I was about twenty four, okay, And and you know again,
I feel it was divine intervention. A college roommate calls
me and he's like, Roberto, I just moved to MAUI
I paid a year in advance on my rent. I
(20:51):
have two bedrooms on a beach. I know that your goal,
one of your goals in life has been to learn
how to serve. Why don't you come stay with me?
And I was so afraid because I thought I needed
to focus on my career and do this. I had
graduated university and I was like, you know, I'm supposed
(21:12):
to do all these things that I'm supposed to do
and my heart was telling me, are you kidding me?
Hawaii surfing, and I took that decision to move to
Hawaii that now twenty almost almost thirty years later, I'm like,
(21:34):
it was the thing that saved my life. It was
so what I love to share with the people that
are listening to you in your podcast, that are ever
in a place where they get to that point where
they don't know that they want to continue living. Follow
(21:55):
your heart. Your heart will tell you where to go, guy,
It will guide you if you can listen to it.
And my mind was telling me, no, you gotta do this.
You gotta work, You're gonna make money, you gotta do this,
and my heart was telling me, just go and beat
and surf. And I did that and it brought me.
(22:20):
The surfing brought me to the pressent because everything else
I either lived in the past or the future.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Roberto, I just want to say something as you're talking,
you know, I don't know if I've ever done an
interview like this. I mean, there's so much about you,
and there's so much about your story obviously that is
(22:54):
simultaneously quite scary but yet tragic and traumatic. And to
hear you speak about moving through these different experiences and
then kind of like what you experienced in that move
(23:15):
toward to Hawaii was really inspiring in a sense. You know,
I'm curious as we kind of wind down here and again,
I just want to remind everyone I'm speaking with Roberto Herrera.
His forthcoming book is called Son of a Tiger, that's
(23:37):
the working title. But as you sit here now, do
you feel you're on a path of healing continually? Do
you feel like you've gotten over the edge a bit
where I'm sure writing the book has served as part of.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
That excellent question again, guy, So it's it's so I've
been in therapy for so many years, probably twenty some years,
off and on different therapists as I moved, and every
(24:22):
single one of them, when they started to hear these stories,
all of them agree, they're like, you gotta do a
book like this is not a usual trauma story. And
so it's it's you know, it's why I'm doing it.
It's because, guy, if there's something I want to do,
(24:44):
it it's for my family, for the healing inside my family.
Because I'm sure you've heard this quite a bit. When
there's trauma inside families, nobody wants to talk about it.
They don't want to bring it in the open. And
this has been like the other title that I thought
about for this for this book was, uh, don't say anything,
(25:09):
because that was what I was told all the time.
Don't talk about that, don't say anything, just keep disquiet,
don't All of it was this this secrecy. And what
I've gotten is through all the different tools that I've
used to be able to transform that Roberto, that violent, womanizing,
(25:38):
sexual addict, alcoholic, you know, that consumed large amounts of cocaine,
all of that to a man who now you know,
doesn't touch a drop of alcohol. It's trying to vegan
diet for a couple of years now because I don't
(26:00):
want to harm another living being, and you know, meditate
daily and practice yoga and do all these things. I
just want to help people that were at that same
place there I was and uh, and and have them
(26:23):
know that they can make it through. If I made
it through, you can make it through as well.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Are you currently married?
Speaker 2 (26:38):
I am the kids, yes, I have two kids, And
thank you for bringing that up, because it is it
is a big part of why I do what I
want to do too, is because you know, I'm very
aware of my mortality. I don't know how long I'll
be here and my kids will be I hope and
(26:59):
trust and pray that they will be here long after
I'm gone, and I don't want these stories to die
with me, and not just for my children. But I'm
sure you know, like trauma goes generationally, and you know
if you had some great people in your podcast talk
(27:21):
about the generational trauma that sometimes people don't even see
it and then it gets to next generations. And so
I want to bring it all out in the open
so that these traumas don't affect not only just my
children or my grandchildren, but my nephews, my nieces in
(27:42):
their children, because it's all rooted in this family history
that nobody wants to speak about. And so I want
to bring it all to light and to also encourage
others to speak up about their own traumas because for
the longest time, you know, I, you know I, Well,
(28:06):
let me put it this way. I spoke to you
about my five year old brother at the time when
this happened. I for many years told him, let's let's
let's do this together, Let's go to this course, let's
let's take this, you know, let's do this self awareness
(28:27):
week at this place or whatever it was. And he's
just like, oh man, that thing didn't affect me. It
just and he was in this deep denial that that
strong of an incident had any effect in his life.
He is currently in prison for being violent. And it
(28:48):
is exactly what I don't want to continue in our lineage,
in our lives. And if we just keep it quiet,
this is what will happen.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
And like, are you concerned? Is there any repercussions that
could possibly happen to you because of writing this book
from your family or with the family?
Speaker 2 (29:15):
Absolutely? Guy. It is the thing that scares me the
most is, you know, my intention is to bring healing,
and I've already been told by several members of my family,
what are you going to say? What are you going
to write about? Like, be careful. You know I've been
(29:40):
you know, there's a lot of Yes, there's a lot
of fear, I mean, and of course from my mother
and my father because I'm really bearing it all here.
A guy. I was twelve years old when you know,
(30:02):
my father thought it was a good idea to have
the bodyguards take me to lose my virginity at a
whorehouse at twelve, and that became almost like a weekend thing.
Every weekend, you know, they you know, they take me
to visit horse at twelve. I have a fifteen year
(30:24):
old daughter. Rite this right now, Like for her to
have been sexually active at twelve would have broken my heart,
like I was taken away from being a kid. But again,
and this is the important part, my dad didn't do
it maliciously. It was what he knew ought he was
(30:46):
doing what was best for me by making me this
man's man. And at twelve years old, I thought I
was the man's man. I like, go to my twelve
year old friends, I was like, yo, man, I got
laid this weekend and you know, and I thought I
was the ship and sorry about it, but okay, I
thought I was like the man. And it's like until
(31:10):
years later I was able to see like, oh my god,
what did this do to me? And how am I?
And the reason I'm divorced twice is because of the
introduction into sex that as kewed my relationships with every
single woman that I've ever been in touch with. And
(31:30):
it's part of the of the trauma and accepting who
I am and transcending.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
That Roberto amazing uh story, You're incredible. I just really
appreciate your being here and being willing to share not
only your story but you your yourself and your openness
and your awareness. I mean, to me, that's what this
(31:58):
podcast is all about. The book again, the working title
is called Son of a Tiger. It's forthcoming. I love
to have you back when the book gets published. Being
honored to have you back here, and I just want
to say that I really appreciate you and I find
you very inspiring to talk to.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
So thank you my pleasure. And I want to thank
you doctor Mike Peerson for having this podcast and bringing
awareness to everybody. I plot your efforts and I recognize
you for the healing that you bring in worldwide in
holding this space. I thank you truly.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
All Right, man, we'll be in touch, all right. Take care.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Thank you,
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