Episode 126 - Supporting Your Family with Pure Intentions: A Spiritual Guide to Fulfilling God's Commandment

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What transforms ordinary family support into a sacred act of divine service? This question sits at the heart of today's exploration into the spiritual dimensions of providing for those we love.

When blessed with a spouse and children, we inherit not just the joy of family but a profound responsibility. The true provider goes beyond meeting basic needs—they fulfill desires and dreams. But as we discover, the magic lies not in what we provide, but why. Are we supporting our loved ones because it's commanded, or because we expect something in return?

The danger zones become clear: providing to create reciprocal obligation ("I do for you, so you must do for me"), establishing perpetual indebtedness ("You'll owe me forever"), demanding honor and praise, or worst of all, exercising authority ("I pay the bills, so you'll do what I say"). These approaches create relationships built on performance rather than authentic connection. Children quickly learn that continued support requires continued performance of gratitude—whether genuine or not.

The spiritual alternative transforms everything: support your family purely because it fulfills divine commandment. This approach mirrors God's perfect love—focused entirely on others without self-consideration. When we provide with these pure intentions, something remarkable happens. The very things we might have tried to force—genuine appreciation, respect, and love—flow naturally through divine intervention.

Like King Solomon, who requested wisdom to lead rather than personal wealth when given the chance to ask for anything, we discover that putting others first brings unexpected rewards. By releasing our grip on outcomes and embracing provision as sacred duty, we create space for authentic relationship to flourish. The provider focused only on fulfilling divine obligation paradoxically receives the very recognition they never demanded.

Join us as we explore this powerful spiritual paradox that transforms family dynamics through the simple yet profound act of giving without expectation.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Good morning everybody and welcome to the
Trust Factor, the podcast that'sgoing to guarantee your success
when you implement its divineage old teachings.
We're continuing to read fromthe book.
We're talking about anindividual who was given
children and a wife in order tosupport them.
The mere fact that God gave youthese people, that you merited

(00:20):
to have these individuals inyour life, is an indication that
it is your responsibility to bea provider for your spouse and
your children, and you have todo it in a way where you give
them not just their basic needsbut even more, including many of
their desires.
We need to go above and beyondand, more importantly, why are
we doing it?

(00:40):
What's the mindset?
When are we doing it?
Are we doing it for some reasonother than the fact that God
commanded us to?
Because that, according toShahr B'tachon, is the only
reason that we should be doingthis.
We should have in our mindconstantly.
He says that the reason we'resupporting them, going above and
beyond to be a providerprovider is simply because God

(01:04):
commanded it.
He says over here all of theabove should be done for the
sake of serving the creator.
As it is written, you shalllove your fellow as yourself,
you shall not hate your brotherin your heart.
You shouldn't do it for anulterior motive.
Basically is what he's sayingThus one should not provide for
his wife and children in thehope of receiving a reciprocal

(01:25):
benefit from them.
I do for you, you do for me.
When I ask, you do when you ask, I do.
Therefore, you must do when Iask.
Nor should he do it in order tomake them indebted to him.
You owe me, I am providing foryou and therefore you owe me,
not just now, but for the restof your life.
You and therefore you owe me,not just now, but for the rest

(01:47):
of your life.
Nor out of the desire for theirhonor and praise.
As we've said before, even ifthey are giving you honor and
praise, don't be so sure that itis genuine.
Don't be so sure that theyreally do honor you because you
are demanding that honor.
And if you're demanding it andthey sense, they understand very
clearly that in order for me tocontinue to receive from

(02:08):
ex-parent, I need to show themor they need to believe that I
hold them in high regard.
And therefore I'm going toconstantly shower them with
praises, and every time I dothat, I'm going to get more and
more and more.
What a sad existence.
You are not sure whether or notyour child really has a
complete, altruistic love foryou, that they have this innate,

(02:30):
real honor and love of you andrespect of you because you're
the one always dangling themoney in front of them.
You're the one always givingthem ultimatums.
It's always conditional.
If you want my support, thenyou have to do X or Y.
You have to tell me how.
I need to hear from you.
I need to see that youacknowledge how important I am,
not a healthy relationship myfriends Nor, he says, in order

(02:53):
to exercise authority over them.
Similar type of vein.
I make the decisions aroundhere.
I'm the one who calls the shots, I pay the bills around this
place.
Therefore, you're all going tofall in line and listen to me.
Rather, he says he should carefor his family purely for the
sake of fulfilling the Creator'scommandment and to keep his

(03:13):
covenant and his directiveregarding them.
In other words, god told youvery simply that you have an
obligation to love your fellowas yourself, and our sages come
to teach us that it's referringto this that you have been given
a wife and children and the waythat you want the best for
yourself, you have to want thebest for them.

(03:35):
Just the same way, if not more.
There are times where we aretold that, with regards to our
spouse, we need to want for themmore than we want for ourselves
, and that is the commandment.
So what he's saying over here,which is very simple but very
hard to do, is that we should doit when we're doing doing it.

(03:57):
It's not enough to think I'mdoing it because I love them.
It's not enough, you mightthink it is.
You might say, wouldn't it bebetter to want to support my
spouse and my children because Ilove them and although that
seems like a nice lofty ideathat I love them and I care
about them so much and I want tosee them succeed and I brought

(04:19):
them into this world and I feela sense of duty to them and
responsibility?
Those are all very nice ideas,my friends, but those ideas will
be tested throughout yourlifetime, in all of your
relationships.
You are going to have adifficult time generating income
sometimes in your life and whenyou come home from those
difficult days and weeks andmonths, don't think that you're

(04:41):
not going to question thesincerity of the love that your
family has for you or that theyconcern themselves with what you
think you may come to question.
Does my family really careabout me?
How come I don't get the thingsthat I want?
I'm the one supplyingeverything, I'm the one
providing, yet I can't choosewhere my family goes on vacation
.
I can't choose which restaurantwe're going to eat at.

(05:03):
I can't choose all of thesebasic things.
I'm giving the money, I'm theone facilitating all this.
How come I don't get a say inthis?
And sometimes that willchallenge you, that will cause
you not to say that you're notgoing to love them anymore, but
it's going to cause you tosecond guess, even if it's just
in a small way in the back ofyour mind, to say these guys
don't appreciate me, these guysdon't value the hard work and

(05:26):
the effort and what I bring tothe table, and that may cause
you to do what it said over here.
You shall not hate your brotherin your heart.
It doesn't have to come to anextreme form of hate God forbid
with your family.
But the fact that you're nowquestioning is to say they don't
appreciate me, they don't honorme, these people aren't doing
for me.
How come I'm always doing forthem.
Why is it a one-sidedrelationship?

(05:48):
Just because we're human, myfriends, I don't care how built
up you are and how level headedand balanced you are.
We all have good days and baddays.
We all have challenging timesand easy times, and it might
just be that during one of thosechallenging times, you come to
question why am I doing this?
They're not doing enough for me.
The only way that ChavotHaLevavot tells us we should

(06:11):
address this is by rememberingthat the reason that we're doing
this is for no other reasonthan the fact that God commanded
us.
Everything else is secondary.
You can use those if they makeyou feel good, but they are all
secondary and tertiary and so on.
The number one reason you'redoing this is because you were
commanded by he who gave you thebenefits of having a spouse and

(06:35):
children and a family thebenefits of having a spouse and
children and a family, he says,because if one's intention in
meeting his family's request isfor one of the ulterior motives
that we just mentioned, he willnot attain his desire from them
in this world and will thuslabor in vain.
In other words, you're tryingand trying and trying to get
them to reciprocate.
You're trying to get them tohonor you and to praise you.

(06:56):
You're trying to be the onewho's in charge over here and
yet none of that is happening.
You're going to go nuts.
It's going to make you crazybecause you're after this but
they're not giving it to you.
You're not going to feelsatisfied.
It's going to make you evenmore conflicted and he says he
will forfeit his reward in theworld to come, because his
intentions were selfish.

(07:18):
It was about you.
It always had to do with you.
You were giving conditional.
You are not seeing the otherperson and only the other person
.
That is not an easy thing to do,my friends.
I'm saying this.
It might sound like I'm sayingthis as though it's an easy
thing to do, but it is not.
It is a godly thing to do.
God does not consider himself.

(07:38):
He doesn't need to, because heis perfect.
His entire existence is just tothink about us entirely.
100% of his attention and focusis on us.
What do we need?
What are we lacking?
How do we become the bestversions of us?
If we are a provider for ourfamilies, for our spouses, for

(08:02):
our children, then we approachthis with that same approach, my
friends.
That becomes the ultimateparent that becomes the role
model of parenting, because youare modeling the creator, he
says.
Conversely, just to confirm this, if he carries out this matter
providing for his family purelyas a service of God in other

(08:23):
words, like I just said, he isemulating God and he's doing it
because God told him to do ithis family will want to
reciprocate and God will helpthem to repay him in this world.
When you're doing it for theright reasons, God will now get
involved and make sure thatthose who are receiving from you
will hold you in a higherregard.

(08:44):
Hashem will also place hispraise in his family's mouths
and elevate his stature in theireyes and ultimately he will
attain true great reward in theworld to come and I'm adding, in
this world, because reallythat's what he's looking for,
but he's not aggressively tryingto achieve it.
In fact he's.
He's doing this because heknows god commanded him, but the

(09:06):
natural result of it will beall of those things that the
corrupt parent, the corruptprovider, is trying to gain by
force.
He's trying to force them toforce.
He's trying to force them tolove him.
He's trying to force them tofear him and honor him and
praise him.
He's trying to force theposition of him being superior
above them, and they're notgoing to allow it.
He's going to have a constantstate of difficulty and

(09:28):
challenges in trying to achievethis outcome, but when he does
it for the real reason, which isthat God commanded him to and
it is a commandment and that'swhy and that's it then naturally
God will get involved to makesure that his family are always
singing his praises and that itis genuine, that it is real and
that anybody who hears thefamily talking about the father

(09:50):
will know that this is anexemplary father or mother.
Whoever the provider is, thechildren and those who hear them
will know that this is anexemplary father or mother.
Whoever the provider is, thechildren and those who hear them
will know absolutely that thisfather is a role model father.
He is somebody to mirror, he issomebody to learn from.
He finishes off by saying, asgod said to king solomon even

(10:11):
that which you did not request,I have granted you, even riches.
And Solomon, what does it mean?
There was a time in historywhen God came to King Solomon in
his love for King Solomon andsaid make a request.
Whatever you should request, Iwill give you.
And his request was not richesand not honor, but he requested

(10:34):
an understanding heart to beable to lead god's people.
And because he requestedsomething that was altruistic,
that was not for him, that wasfor the nation, god said not
only am I going to give you whatyou've requested, but I'm also
going to give you the riches andthe honor.
In the the same way, when weparent, when we provide, when we

(10:54):
support our families becauseGod commanded us, because we
want to do the right thing thenGod will also reward us with the
riches and the honor in ourdays.
Have an amazing day, my friends.