Dr. Cheyenne Bryant Talks About “Being Cooked”, Dating Younger Men, & Having A Baby In Her 40s | Truth After Dark - The Truth After Dark

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
You're what forty seven seven right, So it means he
no longer which means you no longer a unk. That
means you will cook popare no longer a unk, and
young men are willing to wine and dine and prepare
the table for the cooked meat they do me. The
motor man is sitting back with Pop. Paul stands like

(00:21):
you with the glass in their hands. In when you're
gonna serve daddy.

Speaker 2 (00:27):
Make daddy yourself, make daddy a sammy.

Speaker 1 (00:29):
You pregnant, Like, do we get this? I took my
iu D out about a month ago so that I can.

Speaker 3 (00:39):
Okay grass the eggs. The IUD is like he took
the eggs out the freezing.

Speaker 1 (00:46):
I have one guy that I have dated off and
on for five years. We dated five years.

Speaker 4 (00:52):
Off, so you was his work for five years. You've
been his work. You're still his work, but your work.

Speaker 1 (00:59):
No one's no one is not. We're working together.

Speaker 4 (01:02):
So the d is good. Oh let's keep it. I mean,
that's what.

Speaker 5 (01:07):
It's like, his red pajamas and feel like to get
spicy tonight.

Speaker 1 (01:14):
There's good men out there that women are not receptive
to because their own barriers issues and traumas that y'all
got to work through.

Speaker 4 (01:22):
Oh no, she should be a therapist or a pimp.

(01:45):
This is taking over the game, all right, everybody, welcome
to Truth after Dark.

Speaker 3 (01:57):
Do you think that men or women are more toxic? Hello,
beautiful people, welcome to another episode of the Truth after
Dark with a tzar for Day and Paul and Today
it is only right that we have this special guest on.

(02:19):
A leading voice in mental health, best selling author, coach,
and producer behind MTV's Teen Mom Family Reunion. She's known
for helping people feel, deal and heal through her raw
transformative approach and her book Mental Detals. Please welcome doctor
Yanne Bryant.

Speaker 1 (02:39):
Well, by the way, it's not vitamin D deficient. Oh
I can tell, Oh.

Speaker 4 (02:51):
Yeah, you probably get some vitamin D tonight.

Speaker 1 (02:56):
I got it before here. I love that. So we're
so excited to have you like we had to have you. You.
You always spit that real shit and I love it.

Speaker 3 (03:10):
So I'm gonna start it right off the bat because
I have to get your opinion on something. So Paul
just told me that I was cooked, and he said
that all women after thirty are cooked.

Speaker 1 (03:19):
Period. What are your thoughts? On that.

Speaker 3 (03:22):
I think you see that because it's going viral. But
everyone now is in my DM telling me I'm cooked.
So I'm like, okay, cool, I'm thirty four.

Speaker 1 (03:30):
I get it. I might be a little cooked, But
what do you feel about that? And Paul, you're what
forty seven seven right, so, which means he no longer
which means you no longer a unk. That means you
will cook, Papa, You're no longer a unk. So what
he's doing from a psychological from a psychological perspective, is

(03:50):
he's self projecting his pop pop cooked self on you, because, honey,
you're not cooked, but the papas are Hella man come through.
You are no longer baby. You are a popa status.
You know what papa's do, right, grandkids? And cook you cooked?
That's all you do.

Speaker 4 (04:07):
I don't watch.

Speaker 1 (04:09):
On the other hand, she's still rare marinated meat. That's
what that is. Hello, marination. She ain't even got to
cook it yet. She doesn't even know where you're the
grille yet. Hello. That's why we was matching. So for
now on, for the entirety of this episode, I'm gonna
call you Papa. Pierce is comedy. I love that down.

(04:32):
He don't like.

Speaker 4 (04:35):
All right, let's start. Let me let me say something.
Let me say something. So I'm a chef too, right,
so you know I prep you know, like the night before,
Like right now I'm marinating some some steaks and some
ribs whatever. So when you marinating something, what that means?

(04:56):
It's not ready? All right, it's not ready.

Speaker 1 (04:59):
It's in a ridge, right, It's called preparation.

Speaker 4 (05:01):
Okay. I don't want that.

Speaker 1 (05:03):
It's preparation.

Speaker 4 (05:04):
So I don't want something that's not ready. Okay. Now,
once you do the marinating, you do the time, you
throw it in the oven. Now it's in the oven. Right.
What's in the oven is cooking. I don't want nobody
that's cooking like it ain't ready. It's not ready. It's
in the oven right now. The time go by and

(05:27):
years or whatever it happened, pull it out the oven.
It's done.

Speaker 1 (05:32):
It's cooked, right, Even storyteller like a papa.

Speaker 4 (05:36):
I want, I like cook food.

Speaker 1 (05:39):
Okay, so you like her.

Speaker 4 (05:42):
No, what I'm saying is people looked at this as
me dissing women. It's not a this tour. I like cooking.

Speaker 1 (05:51):
You're saying, you like you like a woman, who's.

Speaker 6 (05:53):
Cooked, who's ready, who season.

Speaker 1 (05:55):
Who's experience, experience, wisdom. That's not what he was saying.

Speaker 4 (06:02):
Don't tell me what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (06:03):
What he's saying is that the meat that's marinated is
still marinating, and it's preparing for the opportunity. He's saying,
a woman who was cooked, been there, done, that has
the wisdom, she has the experience, And so he don't
have to teach her to marinate. You don't have to
put her in the freezer. He gotta wait for her
to come out. He ain't got to put her on
the oven and wait for the oven to go. She's ready.

(06:23):
She comes already and seasoned, ready and fresh. But because.

Speaker 4 (06:31):
Ahead, and so I'm cleaning.

Speaker 1 (06:33):
It up, cleaning out.

Speaker 4 (06:36):
It wasn't a knock.

Speaker 1 (06:37):
Okay, it was a tea up exactly. Come on.

Speaker 4 (06:39):
And I was waiting for this episode to like explain
it like this, ain't no knock on you being cooked?
I like cook.

Speaker 1 (06:47):
So baby, he said, you cooked. That means you season
you ready.

Speaker 6 (06:52):
You experienced, She cooks you cooked.

Speaker 1 (07:00):
Ready, and and now now Papa's cooking.

Speaker 4 (07:08):
Ready to go. I got about to go box. I'm
gonna throw y'all.

Speaker 1 (07:11):
In that Okay, okay, clean it up like that.

Speaker 4 (07:17):
That wasn't so that wasn't a bad What I'm saying
people want to talk to me like I'm down and
with no. That's a good thing. Okay, that's a good thing.
So don't take it. And I know in society and
how we were things like oh yeah, he's saying they washed.

Speaker 6 (07:33):
Washed is another word.

Speaker 1 (07:35):
Cooked, I said is different. Washed is different because technically,
let me let me say this because I love what
you're saying, Paul. Technically, if a person was to eat
that raw uncooked me, yeah, they would get they would
becoming commodicated with simonella. Come on, so you don't want
nothing that's raw. You need it to be fully cooked

(07:55):
so you can actually have a healthy relationship with no toxication,
no dysfunction, and no raw.

Speaker 3 (07:59):
Me.

Speaker 1 (08:00):
That's gonna have your ass sitting in my office, the
doctor's office, because you ate something that wasn't ready. Come on,
come on to the choir.

Speaker 4 (08:08):
That's why I did it. And I was like, oh,
they taking this as something that's bad.

Speaker 1 (08:13):
It's not.

Speaker 4 (08:13):
It's if I say you cook ready.

Speaker 1 (08:16):
So listen, young fellas, because I'm forty two and cooked.
Make sure you get you a woman who is cooked,
how long cook and will be able to cook because
from what Paul just said, and I just added to,
if she's not cooked, she's raw me and anything wrong,
baby was intoxicate you. It's not good for your health.

(08:38):
Speak that speak that speak.

Speaker 4 (08:40):
That now it makes sense.

Speaker 1 (08:42):
I love that. I love that. I'm not here to.

Speaker 4 (08:44):
This women like saying he cooked this amazing.

Speaker 1 (08:48):
Come on, cooked this amazing. For everyone in my DM
said I'm cooked. It's amazing, baby.

Speaker 3 (08:52):
That's why when he said it, I said, I'm cooked,
and I taste delicious.

Speaker 4 (08:55):
That's why all these young boys come on y'all like
y'all like unseasoned meat. Y'all, y'all like y'all like.

Speaker 1 (09:02):
No, it's the older man that like that. It's not
the youngest. They know what's going on. I tell you,
they know. It's the older ones who wants that unseasoned. Yes,
and then young men are willing to whine and dine
and prepare the table for the cooked meat. They do. Me.

(09:22):
The motor man is sitting back with Poppaul stands like
you with the glass in their hands. In when you're
gonna serve daddy.

Speaker 2 (09:30):
Make Daddy yourself, make daddy a sammy.

Speaker 5 (09:39):
Look, she already cooked.

Speaker 1 (09:47):
Make daddy an that because of cooked, seasoned women will
make and they come back and say more, Hello, did
you need dessert?

Speaker 4 (09:59):
I needs.

Speaker 1 (10:00):
That's why you want to cook the woman because she's
gonna make the sandwich. She's gonna cook a meal and
didn't say anything else. Hold on, daddy, come on, is
your glass half empty? We're gonna make it half full.

Speaker 4 (10:11):
So now I'm glad we had a chance to clear
this up. Bringing doc call listen. I had to explain
that because I got a lot of flak. Cook this
good girl, and y'all.

Speaker 1 (10:21):
Came for me heavy, y'all trifling for that.

Speaker 4 (10:25):
Or whoever.

Speaker 1 (10:28):
Cook is cracking cracking?

Speaker 3 (10:31):
Okay, okay, So now my next question for you is,
I don't know if you've seen this, but Paul said
I'm coming for Paul tonight.

Speaker 1 (10:41):
Paul said that marriage is for old and poor people.
What do you believe? How do you feel about that?

Speaker 4 (10:48):
Well, y'all, y'all, y'all, hold on.

Speaker 1 (10:50):
Paul, listen. Paul cooked again because he cooked again. He
like cook Cooking studies show that the poor folks who marry. Now,
I come from the hood, I come from very humble beginning,
so I'm going off studies. I have no problem with them, right, Yes,

(11:12):
but what I'm saying, studies do show that when that
marriage is more successful, long lasting, less stressful, and happy,
when two people actually have money that provides resources for
a great quality of life, He's correct. Talk to them marriage.

Speaker 4 (11:26):
Talk about folks.

Speaker 1 (11:27):
Who don't have financial stability, which provides resources for a
great quality of life, which in return makes it to
your stress levels are low and you can actually enjoy
each other. The divorce rate is much much higher, much
much higher, much higher. So I mean in reality, you know,
back in the day day, marriage was a privilege, and

(11:49):
it was only a privilege for the folks who were wealthy.
That's just the truth of the matter. Like folks who
were not economically stabled didn't have the privilege of being
able to be married. And when I look back on it,
of course, I think marriage should be available in an
option to anyone without discrimination. But if if you really
look at it, when two people get married who are

(12:09):
not ready, we're not even talking about just mental health
wise or emotional intelligence wise, but economically, they are marrying
into a deficit because they are not able to provide
each other the full essence of the quality of life
that they want in a marriage, even for themselves individually.
And I have yet to meet a man, And I say, yeah,
and I've been in my field seventeen years. I have

(12:30):
yet to meet a man, no matter how on the
lower economic status he was on the high economic statusty
was who did not want to at some point be
able to provide for his women, even if he couldn't.
There was something in that man that said, like, at
some point, I would love to be able to provide
economically for my women. And when a man can't, it
shifts the dynamic in that marriage, and it does put

(12:52):
that man in a deficit in many ways. And oftentimes
that man doesn't know how to process those emotions, identify
how he fails, and say, listen, you know, maybe I
am a litte disconnected from you. Maybe you do feel
that there is some type of barrier between us that
I'm unaware of. But you know, I'm not able to
be at my full potential with you, and so it
does affect me. And anything that affects that man is

(13:14):
going to affect the entire dynamic of that relationship. And
if you have kids, and who is getting the short
end of the stick those babies. And so this is
why I always say to people, I'm forty two and
I'm not married with any kids yet. I'm ready now,
but I wanted to purposely wait till I was educated,
until I have my career. I wanted to wait till
I was economically stable enough to provide a life for

(13:37):
my children and choose a man from not a perfect place,
but a healthy place, so that I can say I'm
not only choosing a husband, but I'm choosing a father
from my kids before I even know pro create with
this man. A lot of folks who do marriage early
are choosing codependently a partner who can satisfy their trauma
in that space, and they trauma bond, and after that

(14:00):
trauma's healed, are that trauma shifts. Those conditions are gone.
So guess what's also gone? The bond because of the
trauma changes, which is what's the glue to the bond.
Then the bond has to change. So now we say
we outgrew each other, No, y'all never were with each other.
You were with each other's traumas. You don't even know
this man Oh.

Speaker 4 (14:20):
Yeah, Wait a minute, So you said so you still
want to get married and you still want kids.

Speaker 1 (14:31):
What's so funny about it?

Speaker 4 (14:32):
No, I'm just saying like I feel like, why was
you love? No, No, this is not or not. This
is just like I feel like when you get older,
like this is the time to enjoy more life. This
is not the time to be like you should be
looking to travel the world, like see the world because

(14:54):
we on the back nine. You know what I'm saying.
I'm on the back nine.

Speaker 1 (14:58):
You heard what I mean, Papa, you not me.

Speaker 4 (15:01):
I'll take that, yeah, you Auntie. But I just feel
like once the forties hit, it should be like, man,
you know what, that's all good because you know, kids
take up a lot of time and kids will redirect
the relationship.

Speaker 1 (15:19):
Oh absolutely, like and.

Speaker 4 (15:24):
I just feel like, like for me, it's like this
is the thing I fell in love with. What I
was in love with, with the situation how they were
before the kid and the dynamic of the kid. Because
you don't have no script for this. When the kid come,

(15:46):
the whole dynamic of the relationship change.

Speaker 1 (15:48):
Now, especially for the man. Let's keep it real.

Speaker 4 (15:51):
Yeah, for sure for the man because now you go.
And it's funny because I look in public relationships, like
how a lot of famous like actors or actresses, like
they divorced within the first year a few years of having.

Speaker 1 (16:08):
Paul you cook again, I'm about to put your ass
back on agree because I'm talking about marriages. Divorce happens
within the first year of kids. Yeah, within the first year. Yeah,
that's when divorce happens. And if the if the folks
are not married, that's when separation or breakup happens within
the first year of that child.

Speaker 4 (16:28):
I'll tell you why to like because like you fall
in love, you meet a girl, or you meet a
guy you fall in love with, like, damn, I love that.
You know how we are right now? We we it's
it's it's we travel, it's it's sex every day and

(16:50):
glazing in your eyes and we're going here, We're going there.
We're going there. So now the pregnancy comes, those things stop.

Speaker 1 (16:59):
Stay there the pregnancy comes. What does that mean for
the man's position in that relationship? Explain that to us.

Speaker 4 (17:05):
Well, a man as a man you fell in love with,
made what made you fell in love with? Like we
going here, we going there. It's it's it's spontaneous.

Speaker 1 (17:16):
It's a spontaneity and go to my road dog, my.

Speaker 4 (17:22):
Man, let's go like wake up, go do this, and
then all that just stops. And then it's just like damn,
you know, we ain't even doing the same stuff, but
like it changes the whole dynamic. And it's just like THEMN.
Now you get so deep into pregnancy. Now the sex stops,
and that stops for a minute, like a minute, and

(17:44):
that's what like like and that the sex thing which
made you fall in love. It's just the whole friendship,
all of this and like you gotta go.

Speaker 1 (17:53):
Sex is part of the expression of love. Just keep
it real because when we're talking about casual sex and
sex is an act for pleasure, but when we're talking
about relationship marital sex, where like you're saying we love
each other. You know, you might go to my age
school that sex is a part of the expression of love. Now,
so it satisfies the duality of Okay, physically, yeah, we

(18:16):
make orgasm, but emotionally and spiritually, right, this is a
way for us to be in tune and connect and
be in our space and get our vive and be
in ecstasy together and take ourselves into an outer body
experience sexually, if you're doing it in the way that's
not casual, and you're really plugged into the person, that's

(18:38):
the experience. So you get more than an internal orgasm.
You get that external orgasm, and now you have a
duality of what you're talking about, that connection that fuses people,
not just the orgasm.

Speaker 4 (18:49):
Agreed, and then saying that when that stops for like months,
it could be a year.

Speaker 1 (18:56):
But I want to ask you this, because you're hitting
I've been in my field seventeen years. You're hitting the
number one complaints I get from all of my married
men who come in session with me. What is the
impact of the stopping of the intimacy, which is sex
and intimacy, the connection with your women, the you know,

(19:17):
I get to have her, you know, available and conveniently
for me, for us. I want to know what are
the impacts of that on a man?

Speaker 4 (19:24):
For you, Well, this is what you fell in love with.
You fell in love with that, So now that get
taken away from you. And then now not only does
that get taken away from you, now from getting one
hundred percent of attention, now you might you might go
from one hundred to now you getting thirty percent because
when that when the baby comes, that's like when that

(19:45):
comes from a woman, that connection is a different connection. Now,
but you birth a kid, you birth a kid like
that come from your that's like it came from your soul.

Speaker 1 (19:56):
Like now, and now that woman has to assume a
duality of mama and wife and the man only has
to stay in one row husband because at the beginning
of a child's emfasy, with all due respect, they don't
need you for survival. They need you for presence and love,
of course, but they don't need you for survival, right

(20:18):
They need mom. That's she, she's breastfeeding. And so the
man pow gets pushed out of that dynamic, totally out
of it. And a lot of women who are either
fatherless girls or they had father in the home. Because
I always say you can have a you can have
a present parent, that also presents trauma. So just because

(20:41):
a parent is present doesn't mean that doesn't present trauma.
But if you are also a woman in the household
who didn't see your mom navigate mommyhood and wifehood imbalance that,
then that woman doesn't know how to do that. On
top of that she may be experiencing postpartum, and let
me go another route that we don't talk about enough.

(21:03):
Ben also experienced postpartum, but we.

Speaker 6 (21:06):
Don't talk about it.

Speaker 1 (21:07):
It's it's when there is a harmony balance right from
a woman giving birth for oh, for a man, oh,
for man oh, it's it's well, you know, just like
you and your women are connected, you're in tune. If
me and her in a house for sixty days three months,
our men show cycles end up being on the same
you know, the right naturally? Did you know that if

(21:28):
women live together for a short period of time, all
of our cycles in the house end up being on
the same cycle. We will start our period the same day.

Speaker 3 (21:37):
Even if you just hang out with a woman a lot,
like I can hang out with a homegirl, kick it
with her for a few weeks like a month, and
next episode, like my period will shift like it was
on the seventeenth, now it's coming on the third, because
yours comes on.

Speaker 1 (21:51):
The there you go. So if that happens amongst the
women who are just girlfriends, how harmonially connected and intertwined
think you and your women are who let's just say,
is your wife and she's having your child. Damn, I
never thought about that, and so you know, women do
need care around that time, but I always have an
issue with that, and again I'm gonna disclaim it again.

(22:14):
Women need all the care and support and love around
birth and postpartum and all of that. However, men get
shut out of also experiencing postpartum and being shut out
of the family dynamic because now you're the outsider and
there's a new little bundle of joy that I have

(22:34):
yet to meet a man who's not overly excited and
in love with their child, but they're also trying to
navigate where do I fit in this equation now without
me sounding selfish and crazy right and telling her I
feel like you're putting the baby for me, because most
men don't know how to express that without feeling guilty
because they're going, wait, but she's supposed to mother my child,

(22:56):
and I want my child to not go without this experience,
and I don't want to take the experience for my wife.
So then the man ends up being in a position
of having to process all that shit on his own
or with his boys, or I'm gonna go there with
a side check. Yeah, I'm just keeping it real. Because
those are all real dynamics. Or a man then ends
up stepping out. I'm not condoning it. I'm just speaking

(23:18):
what really happens. A lot of times they end up
sticking out, stepping out to get what they believe or
not believe their experience is missing, that they're no the deficit.
To feel that deficit, it doesn't make it right. But
we're talking about the reality of what happens. And then
what happens with the woman. She's left at home to
be a single mama in a house where she has

(23:40):
a family. Oh, so she doesn't have a she don't
have a broken old No, she don't have a broken
home because everybody in the house. But guess what, she
got a broken family because that house is impaired. Damn.

Speaker 3 (23:56):
But you know, like, as a woman myself who doesn't
have children, hearing things like this does not motivate me. Yeah,
I'm like, I'm cool, Like I'll just be man. We
can hit it, we could travel.

Speaker 1 (24:09):
Like hearing this, it's like, damn, Like of course I
have I'm a nurturing woman.

Speaker 3 (24:14):
I have a motherly instinct and I've always felt like, Okay,
I could be a mom and I want to be
a mom. But as I get older and I view
these different relationships, and I see how it makes the
relationship so strained and they're so stressed out. Like I
don't know one relationship that did not go through that
and it's not strained because of that. So it just

(24:34):
doesn't motivate me that I want.

Speaker 1 (24:36):
To do it the right tools, right, And that's why
I say therapy and life coaching this that should be
a lifestyle as a preventative measure, not an invention. Right.
But to Paul's point in question about being forty two
and wanting to be married and me wanting to wait
till I was of age, is exactly what you said. Yeah,
with time you get wisdom, and with seeing things and

(25:00):
allowing other people's experiences to expose you to things that
help you to have better decision making skills. It saves
you a lot of the bullshit that people are going
through in their twenties and thirties when they're married young. True,
you have kids, right, yes? Can I ask how many?

Speaker 4 (25:17):
You have?

Speaker 1 (25:18):
Four kids? Okay by one woman? Just too Okay, so
you're not with them, I'm take I'm guessing, okay, so
I'm not saying, had you did it now, you would
still be with them. But I know for sure, had
you did it now, you would one have done it differently,
or you would have figured out how to do it
in a way where you can actually have a family
with whoever you're doing it with. That comes with wisdom

(25:40):
at the age of your age forty seven, but at
twenty three or thirty, whether you were thinking family or not,
more than likely not family or not.

Speaker 6 (25:49):
Okay, I was thirty when I started.

Speaker 1 (25:51):
Did you get married to either one of them?

Speaker 4 (25:52):
Yeah? I did?

Speaker 1 (25:53):
You married both of them? No, the first, the first,
but not the second.

Speaker 4 (25:57):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (25:57):
Right, So at forty seven, you don't meet too many
men who are procreating with or before marriage. Usually they're
in the mindset you just said, I'm forty seven, I
want to travel the world. Right, I'm more responsible now
because of my irresponsibilities. Because experience teaches. Words don't, So
through your experiences you learn what to do and what

(26:20):
not to do. So men and women become better with
age because of their experience. Experience gives you wisdom. Words
do not because they don't teach. So for me, as
a woman of age, I always want to make sure
that I was having my kids in equity, not a deficit,
because of my own inability to make good decisions on
behalf of them. So at twenty three or thirty years old,

(26:43):
or maybe even thirty five, my decision making may have
chose a situation that puts my kids in a deficit. Now,
your children are blessing no matter how you look at
they just are. But they were still born in a
deficit because they didn't get the experience of a full

(27:03):
household and a full present father, even if you were
on the role playing ball. That's different knowing that daddy's
out there getting it for our household than it is
to say he has kids with another woman. So that
could possibly why he can't be here with us in
this time or can't be present all the time. Doesn't
mean that the kids are doomed. We're just talking about

(27:24):
the deficit of something as small as a decision causes.
And as we choose, but as we become better, we
date better, we choose better, we marry better, and guess
what we do, we parent better. And if people take
their time, then they can really avoid doing time.

Speaker 3 (27:41):
Now, what do you say to the women that feel
like okay, I'm on this time clock because I know
a lot of people, including some of my own family members,
that have gotten pregnant and they were like, you know what, girl,
I'm thirty something, I'm just gonna have it.

Speaker 1 (27:56):
Like even if they're married, they're not.

Speaker 3 (27:58):
I don't feel that it's like you're so happy or anything,
but you're like, hey, I'm this age, I'm just gonna
have this child now because it's what I should be doing,
or you feel like you're on this biological time clock
where you're like, Okay, oh my god, I'm nervous. I'm
getting of age to where I'm not a spring chicken anymore?
Am I going to be able to have children?

Speaker 1 (28:18):
You know? And I feel like women have that pressure.

Speaker 3 (28:20):
And another thing is I feel like women have the
pressure of you know a lot of the times, even
for me when I've been podcasting or I've been out
in the world, it's like why are you single? Then,
as if it's like you're not shit because you're single. Yeah,
it devalues you, like why are you single? Well, maybe
I'm single because I know myself, my standards and what
I actually want. So it's I'm not settling for anything

(28:41):
because a lot of people I know are doing just that.
But what do you say to women who feel that pressure?
You know, because you're very confident forty two, You're like,
I can have kids, I'm gonna get married, and I
love that energy.

Speaker 1 (28:53):
Yeah, and I believe it and I love that energy.

Speaker 3 (28:55):
But I feel like so many women are in fear,
and they operate out of this fear, and I if
you can say anything to help them like that, operating
out of last Yeah, exactly where's your faith?

Speaker 1 (29:06):
That faith is an action word, right? And so for
me always used Abraham and Sarah in the Bible. God
doesn't you know, he keeps his promises. He says, no
request returns void, okay. And so Sarah and Abraham made
a request for a child. They were up in their eighties,
and Sarah got impatient, and she told Abraham, get the

(29:28):
maid pregnant, you said, both of them. Yeah, I know, Sarah. So,
but this is why faith is an actual word. Sarah
told Abraham, listen, it ain't gonna happen. Get the maid
present pregnant. He got the maid pregnant. As soon as
he got the maid pregnant, she would Sarah's pregnant. So

(29:51):
Sarah told Abraham, guess what I'm pregnant now, Bro made
I gotta go. So Abraham being the good husband dad
he was, because remember he's been hearkening onto her voice
the whole time. He didn't cheat, He gave him permission
to do this. He tells the maids she gotta go.
God talks to the maid in the desert and says, listen,

(30:11):
you don't know who you're pregnant with. Go back. The
maids like, I can't go back, go back. She comes back,
Sarah has her baby. Guess what's in the household? Nothing
but conflict. Nothing the conflict. What is my point? My
point is, I'm not Sarah. I understand that my requests
ain't returned void, and I understand like the Bible says,
be anxious for nothing and make your request be known

(30:33):
to God. I'm not anxious about when child or husband
is coming. I don't want anything that's not mine. And
I say this, Paul, will no pun intended When we
take things that aren't ours. It comes with the expiration day,
just like those two beautiful mothers of your kids. Expiration day,
but you still have the kids. You have to father.
I don't want that situation so I would rather wait
for God to deliver what's minds on his time when

(30:54):
I am hooked and not still raw meat and not ready.
And if that means I got a way till forty
three forty four or call off another wedding, I am
okay with that. My obedience is to God, not people.
Come on, I don't live in Dogma, and so if
I run around here like Sarah, I will mess up

(31:14):
and end up with a man who already got the
mad pregnant, which means I don't get an opportunity to
have my own family, my own husband. I would have
to share him. Why because it would be at the
expense of my disobedience. It happened really quick with Moses,
he freed the Israelites from Egypt. God said, I'll take
you to the Promised Land. But guess what, God kept
his promised because he took him to the Promised Land.

(31:35):
When Moses got to the Promised Land, God said, okay,
talk to the rock and I have water come out.
Talk to the rock. When Moses had a temper tantrum
kind of like Sarah, got upset, took his rod and
hit the rock twice. Hold on, God still kept his
promise because although he told him to talk, not hit,

(31:56):
water came out that rock. He took Moses to the
promised land. But guess what, Moses and everyone who followed
him didn't get in, you know what, because he was disobedient.
So God will always keep his promise and he'll bring
you right there. And the moment that you choose not
to be obedient, after you done went across the Red Sea.
You don't been in the wilderness for forty years like

(32:18):
Moses and the Israelites. You get to finally where you
want to be. Doctor Brian at forty two forty three,
and you mean to tell me when God told you
to speak to the rock, I e take your time
that you're gonna hit the rock just because some outside
chatter told you that you forty two and you should
be married because you're so successful. Now I'm gonna talk
to the rock all day long. I'm gonna get my

(32:38):
water and my promise land. And that's exactly what we got.
The Lord's said, Amen, Amen, And guess what I'm gonna
do what God says. I'm gonna have the witnesses witness
me do all of it. Come on, and so I
could be a testimony and continue so for his words
to show that we ain God to be impatient. Come on,
you do have to be obedient and so on. Faith

(33:00):
is an action word. If you ask for a God
to do it, and it's not on your time, it's
on his. So once you ask for it, let God
give you experience that gives you wisdom that equips you
for what you need to be, with who and where
you need to be. Because you got too many people
that are not only doing time, but they kids are too,
and the mothers are too because neither one of them
took their time to wait for the right time for

(33:22):
the meat, like Paul said, not to be toxic, but
to be cooked.

Speaker 3 (33:25):
Come on now, now, let me ask you this. Are
you okay with the man who already has children?

Speaker 1 (33:31):
No?

Speaker 3 (33:32):
No, okay, wild breaker deal a breaker for you because
I want my own family and you feel like you
cannot have that with a man who already has children.

Speaker 1 (33:44):
That is a form of polyamory. Really please, Okay. Polyamie
doesn't have to do with us all living in a
household together and we're all doing the new Polyamory is
outside relationships that I'm okay with. If I'm in a
relationship with Paul, I have to be okay with him
having a relationship with the mothers of his children. Yeah,

(34:07):
I would hope he does, you know. Yeah, right, So
although he's not sleeping with him, or we would want
to think he's not, let's just take him as being
a good man. He's just cold parenting and doing it
the right way. Well, when Christmas or holidays come around,
or a birthday party, or our wedding or graduation, Paul
has every right to spend time with his kids. And
if the mother is there, I mean, they pro created together.

(34:28):
It's not a crying for her to be in the
same room as him. That's what col parenting is, healthy
co parent If I agree to that, I am now
or I should be attempting to be healthy with these women.
Right If I'm going to love him, I love Paul's kids.
So now I'm in a polyamory relationship that I'm agreeing
to be in because although you're not sleeping with this woman,
we all are a family, whether you want to think

(34:50):
of it that way or not. Because if I love
this man part time full time, Holly am reach can
be part time, full time poly from two to five pm.
It don't matter what the time frame is. It is
what it is. So I am not willing to agree
to be in a polyamorous relationship because I am a
faithful woman, damn. So I'm not going to have a

(35:12):
man outside of him to equal out the playing field
because technically I might have lost You get to have
two other families and I get to have you, and
would I don't want to share you on Christmas or
any day day. If I don't want to share on
your child's birthday. And I'm not saying that's okay, I'm
speaking reality. See, people don't want to speak reality. A

(35:33):
lot of what most I've never I've yet to hear
a woman who is with the man, even if she
has a kid outside of and let's say they both
have kids outside of each other, who have not said
if it was just us and our kids, it would
be much easier. Absolutely, And that's even without having baby
mama baby daddy drama. We're talking about the emotion that
comes with it. So if I don't want to share

(35:54):
you on Monday, January third, because I'm just in my
space where I want you, but little Paul has a
birthday party and he needs his father, and I want
to support you. So I love y'all. I take you
as a package deal. But I don't have any kids.
So guess what you get me? Three hundred and sixty

(36:16):
five days of the year unless I'm on my speaking
toward I'm in session healing a client, or I'm here
on y'all podcast, and you can even come here with me,
you still don't got to share me. So what am
I saying is it is an unfair bargain that too
many women and men do because men date women with
kids too, and the men that man may not have kids,

(36:37):
and he's also signing up for that, And so as
much as people may not want to say it, it
definitely creates a wedge between those two people because this
man has already done the most deepest intimate thing you
can ever do with another human, which is what pro creative. See.
I can marry you all day long, and you can

(36:58):
go do that with anyone else. Once I create a
child with you, that is your DNA in my DNA,
where else can you mix us to that depth or
that level? Where else can you cle even wove us
into a quilt together. We can't even do that in marriage.

Speaker 2 (37:13):
Damn, that's deep, all right, I got a question, what's okay?

Speaker 6 (37:20):
So like that?

Speaker 1 (37:24):
No, because you hit me with some stuff. I'm like, wow,
I saw.

Speaker 4 (37:27):
Some things right Like, So now that changes the whole
dynamic on who you date.

Speaker 1 (37:33):
Yes, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (37:34):
She's not looking for an older man in her, she's
looking for somebody much younger than her. That changes the
whole dynamic.

Speaker 1 (37:43):
He's my age with no kids.

Speaker 6 (37:44):
He's most men.

Speaker 4 (37:47):
Is a red flag? Your age with no kids.

Speaker 1 (37:50):
Someone said that right Like.

Speaker 3 (37:51):
I was dating a man who was forty one and
he had no children.

Speaker 1 (37:55):
Really great guy.

Speaker 3 (37:56):
And my sister was like, he's a red flat because
he has no children at that age.

Speaker 1 (38:00):
And I said, is he a red flag? Or is
he smart?

Speaker 3 (38:02):
Because I'm confused, you know, is he smart enough not
to repro create with someone that is not really his match?
Or he's in alignment with because if he's single now,
he probably would have been single with them kids too,
still trying to date. So I heard that before, and
I was very curious to that because I'm like, he
was a really good guy.

Speaker 1 (38:18):
It just didn't work out.

Speaker 3 (38:20):
But I was like, I don't see it necessarily as
a red flag because it might be a smarter move
because I know too many men that are forty one
forty two with children and they don't mess with the children,
the mother of their children, or if they do and
do whatever on the side. Okay, but I'm curious to
know what your thoughts are on that.

Speaker 1 (38:38):
So from my personal experience, right, not from like clinical
speaking or a psychology expert. Men with no kids of
age like y'all are saying happened to be selfish. There's
nothing they've had to cover their whole life, there's nothing
outside themself they've had to think about or considered. Is
a red flag selfish man? I think so. I definitely

(39:03):
think so. Actually, yeah, I definitely think so. However, if
you get a man of age who does have kids,
you would hope that he is a very active father.
Him being an active father also comes with him having
to be selfish in order to be present with his kids.
So there is an aspect that maybe a healthy selfishness

(39:25):
where it's like yo, I like, I may want to eat,
sleep and hit you all day, but I got to
be a father. So there's going to be a part
of me that may look selfish because I've got to
put these kids in a priority position somewhere for sure,
right and wherever they go into those spaces, maybe you
can't go.

Speaker 3 (39:43):
And the kids are before the woman. You would say no, no.

Speaker 1 (39:48):
But watch this, so in a in this it's just
say you and Paul are married, and y'all pro create
your own little thinkers. You know. I mean, I'm a
I'm a biblical girl. I'm a Jesus girl. Biblically, the
hierarchy goes God, Paul, you babies. But let me tell
you why men have the honor of God automatically covering them. Yeah, right, women,

(40:13):
we marry into our man's covering. So men gets God's covering.
We get a double layer of covering, and the kids
get triple a layer of covering white. Because they're kids,
they have no insight. They need a double layer of protection. However,
love that we're going here. If Paul has you and
your babies, oh he got her and her babies. Oh

(40:35):
he got her and her babies. I'm just curious on
how on the hell was he covering all three women
at the same time and all of them kids at
the same time. Let me tell you why. Because covering
is spiritual, but it's also physical. How are you able
to be present and cover everybody all at the same
time if they're not all in one space or on

(40:58):
the same roof collectively together every day every night. Some
one of these kids ain't getting picked up from school
from Papa Paul. No one of these kids. He may
not be able to get to the dinnist appointment at
the expense of another kid because he has to be
there for the kid who's in his household. And the
child who y'all child, lets just say, y'all live together,

(41:20):
is going to be getting the equity of him. Yes,
because he's in the house, he's present. How do you
think this makes other children feel? They may not be
able to articulate it, but they they do grow up
feeling a little unwonted even though Dad Paul was trying
his best. And I'm not even saying because you got
men who are daddy of they are giving everything they

(41:41):
got to fatherhood and they got multiple kids by multiple
women and it's still top Well, you.

Speaker 4 (41:46):
Can't put the blame on the dad, like, let's just
speak on that, because that women divorce the.

Speaker 1 (41:55):
Men women filed more than so.

Speaker 4 (41:57):
So so now if you're saying that kids feel a
certain way and we're gonna take the criticism of it.
Or look, my kids, I didn't divorce your mom. Yeah,
so there has to be multiple conversations as they get
older and you try to explain stuff, and it's like

(42:18):
you can't say like I didn't want to be with
around you or all that, or I have this new
family or all of that.

Speaker 1 (42:25):
It's you can't say that. Oh you can't tell so well,
hold on, we can't be honest with our kids now
and say, look, baby, your mom divorced me and I
have a new family and I actually love spending time
with you and my new family. Well, yeah, you can
say the truth. That is the truth or is that
the heart?

Speaker 4 (42:41):
Truth? Heart? This is what you gotta be careful with kids,
that's my point.

Speaker 1 (42:45):
But that's but listen, you can remember words don't teach
experience does. I don't mean to cut you off. I
gotta go there for a second. We can tell our
child whatever we want to tell them. The experience that
we give them is what they learn. You can tell
a child every day I love you and don't spend
no time with him. That child will grow up to

(43:07):
feel in love. And let me say this.

Speaker 3 (43:10):
My dad has six kids, though my dad has no No,
my dad has six children, six daughters. But my dad
has six daughters. I just want to say this. My
dad is a present wealthy father. He has money, he
has means. He's married to my mother. He was married
two times before and has six children before you, before

(43:32):
my mom two times.

Speaker 1 (43:33):
He has six children. I'm the youngest out of six.

Speaker 3 (43:36):
My sister and myself, who are from my mother, who
he's been married to the.

Speaker 1 (43:40):
Longest, got to see my dad the most. My other
sisters have gripes where they're like, damn, I love my dad.
He provided for us financially because he's rich. He did this.
He came and saw us when he could, and da
da da da.

Speaker 3 (43:55):
But I wasn't growing up in the household every day
with my dad.

Speaker 1 (43:59):
They wanted the true currency of life. You know what
that currency is time. Time is a true currency of life.
It's not green, and you can't spend it, and you
can't even describe time. You know why, because it's that infinite. Yeah,
it's that important. Paul, were you gonna say, because I

(44:20):
felt like you have something heavy to say? Come on, Paul,
we were talking about no, because you were going somewhere good.
You were saying that we can't just blame the father.
We also have to look at the mother who is
falling for divorce. You know you're going somewhere good because
I wanted to talk about that piece, because you're on point,
and you were saying that when you have a conversation
with a child, it can't always be daddy messed up. Right,

(44:42):
Daddy is the problem? Right, you were going down that lane.
But let me tell you why. I love that you
were going there because a lot of times because she
got you going somewhere so good. Because kids grow up
when the divorce had and dad leaves a house, right,
And what happens is little boys end up resenting their

(45:06):
mother because in a little boy's mom, yeah, yes they do,
yes they do. They end up resenting the mom. You
know why, because in the little boy's mind, if mom
would have done right, daddy would have wanted to be here.
The only time that a little boy does not resent
the mother is if he literally sees his father abusing

(45:28):
his mother and he can rationalize why his mom would
leave his father. If a child cannot rationalize why you
would leave his mother. He has to They're kids. They
have no insight, Paul. They got to blame somebody. And
if they don't blame you or mom, yes what, they
blame themself. Now we're really in a self hate crisis.
Now we have a little kid that grows up and

(45:49):
they feel shamed because shame and guilt are different. Shame
is I'm a bad person. Guilt as I did something wrong.
So now we have a child that thinks I'm a
bad person because I wouldn't good enough to keep mom
and dad together. I wasn't good enough for my dad
and mom to say, even if I stay for her
or for him, we're gonna keep this family together. So

(46:11):
there's nothing I did that was good enough to make
these two people who are supposed to love me and
not drop me, not fumble this family. Kids end up
in suicidal ideations over divorce. I have so many kids
in my session, teenager adolescent boys who were sixteen who

(46:31):
are like, I hate my father for cheating on my mom.
I looked in my dad's phone, knew his password and
seeing the text message between him and this woman, and
now I'm suicidal and I want a plan to do it.
In the kitchen so my dad could find me, you
know why, So my dad could see the pain that

(46:51):
I felt when he ruined our family. Paul, that is deep.

Speaker 4 (46:56):
Yeah, I understand that. That is super deep. It's it's
this is the thing with kids. They're always gonna hear
one side of the story when there's a divorce, right
because they're going to be in the house every day
with the mom and they can ask questions at any

(47:17):
time and the mom can say whatever. The dad it's
not there every day and he can't explain his side
because there's a side of the story and a dynamic
and all of this to where the dad is always

(47:37):
gonna look like the dad always get looks at as
the bad guy, even though the dad didn't divorce, right,
which most what happens a lot of a lot of
the times. Right, But the kids never know the other
side of the story because the men don't tell the kids.

Speaker 1 (47:58):
That is to what you just said, because the man
in the house story. But let me backtrack, hold on,
because see when I decide at forty two to be
a mother, this.

Speaker 4 (48:11):
Is the year.

Speaker 1 (48:12):
Yeah it is, are you pregnant? Was like, do we
get I took my I U d out about a
month ago so that I can.

Speaker 6 (48:23):
Okays the eggs.

Speaker 1 (48:27):
The IUD is.

Speaker 4 (48:27):
Like he took the eggs out a freezing No.

Speaker 3 (48:31):
The IU is a birth control method that you inside
of your vagina.

Speaker 1 (48:37):
I wish I had a pillow your hand.

Speaker 4 (48:40):
No, I don't know. I mean, I know eggs.

Speaker 1 (48:45):
It's crazy.

Speaker 4 (48:46):
Well, you freeze the eggs, do do that, But I
don't know if that was what it was called.

Speaker 1 (48:51):
The U D is a little t that looks like this,
is smaller than this. It goes inside the woman's cervix
to stop the sperm from fertilizing the egg. So it
goes inside. I had my doctor take it out so
that I no longer have control conceptive inside of it.
That's different that one took it out so that I
can get pregnant.

Speaker 4 (49:10):
I've heard of that one.

Speaker 1 (49:11):
I never had one, but it's a thing for sure.

Speaker 4 (49:14):
No, I never heard of that one.

Speaker 1 (49:16):
So what I'm saying is at forty two, when I
get pregnant this year, manifested with me, Paul, I love you.
When I get pregnant, I at forty two am not
leaving my husband hold on because I'm making a commitment,
not just to him, but to these babies that we
would have two people in this house that can tell
you their narrative, their story, and you can choose who

(49:38):
you want to listen to. You can choose whose story
you want to hear. But I want to make sure
that I give you everything that I can, which means
if I have to sacrifice a little bit in that
household to stay in it, if I got to have
meetings with Daddy to say, listen, we may we may
not want to be here, but we made a commitment
to be here. So what we got to do to

(49:58):
make sure we're healthy, so the family's healthy. But let
me tell you why I say age is important to wisdom.
In my twenties and even in my thirties, I would
have been in my feelings because emotions don't cause problems.
Feelings do. And I would have acted out of feeling
and not commitment, because commitments not a feeling. It's you
doing what you said you was going to do, regardless
of how you feel. At forty two, I can commit

(50:19):
that's of obedience to my promise land at twenty. In
my twenties and thirties, guess what I outa through the
whole muffule can talent and say, you know what, me
and them kids are going to be good because I
do well. I'm a doctor. I gotta support a family
and friends. Nigga, we can call parent. Come on, but
that's in your twenties and thirties. This is why I'm
saying to a person like yourself and other people watching,

(50:39):
men and a woman who have already made those decisions
and they end up being bad decisions, not mistakes, cause
kids are not mistakes, but bad decisions in the way
that you happen to know create your kids dynamic you
put them in. At forty two, I understand the power
of commitment and sacrifice. At twenty three, I understood the
power of how I feel. That's the difference. At twenty three,

(51:01):
we gonna tear this house up. We tripped off these kids.
We're gonna tear this house up, and we figured out later.
You know we're gonna do that. Call the police, neighbors,
don't care what you backs shit, Come pack these kids
up real quick. It's a problem, you know that. But
at forty two, we're giving each other that look that
goes The cus is in the cuses.

Speaker 6 (51:21):
We agree hold on.

Speaker 1 (51:24):
Once we put once we put little part of sleep
at night. Now, what the fuck was you talking about? Yeah,
then we can have our little rounds, but we also
are standing on a square that we both drew. That's
called commitment. And we are not gonna guarantee each other
no perfect marriage. We're not gonna guarant guarantee that we
even like each other sometimes. But what we are gonna

(51:44):
commit to and guarantee we ain't going no fucking where.
That's one thing that we're supposed to guarantee is that
I don't know how life is gonna life, But can
you promise to be in this life when it? Life's
with me? And you can laugh if you won't off.
Because because you got a problem with vulnerability, Zee, and
you got a problem with commitment.

Speaker 4 (52:06):
Everything, taking everything that you're saying, I'm hearing, I'm here
at twenty.

Speaker 1 (52:09):
In thirty, you end up in the situation you're in
because people respond from what they feel, not from what
they committed to. And if people would take their time
getting a sense of self, discovering who the hell they
are so they can know who the heck they gotta choose,
they would end up in better situations. And so will
they're offsprings as well. And then we have the real wealth,

(52:32):
which is family, and then we can go by some
down real estate and take the vacations you're talking about taking.
But until then we have to focus on the stuff
that really is the nucleus, the backbone, the substance. And
I'm gonna sip to that. See you got commitment problems?

Speaker 4 (52:50):
You good? You real good? Because like, all right, so
this is how interpreted what you just said. So at
twenty three point thirty, y'all gonna tear the room up,
argue you're.

Speaker 6 (52:59):
Gonna you out of there, not just me and everybody.

Speaker 4 (53:03):
So at twenty three or thirty of them options was
you had a lot more options. At forty two, the
options and slimmed up.

Speaker 1 (53:10):
So question right now, you know what, No, that's not
what I said. So that's what I said. What I said,
But he's making a good point for some people who
get of age, Yeah, slim can become slim. But I

(53:30):
can say this, it's usually the man who gets up
in age and he realizes that his options have become slim,
so now he wants to marry after he's already created
broken homes, broken houses, baby mamas, have multiple kids. Hold on,
and he don't got his contract no more so the
money looking a little funny. So he got to make

(53:51):
sure that he cashes out while he can't and get
him the closest thing to what he considers a modern
day baddy, who is nowhere in comparison to the old
school batteries he you to be able to get when
he was in his prime. Now, for women who are educated,
women who are still beautiful, women who are still keeping
themselves up physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, they just get

(54:12):
better with time and they become a demand, not just
only for older men, but for the younger men. And
so the women who keep themselves up in that capacity
actually become optioned, actually end up be having more of
abundance of options than they did when they were young.
And there are also the women that the men who
are their age like my age, No, they can't obtain,
let alone sustain, and so they will stay in their lane.

(54:37):
They will stay in their lane because they understand. Hold On,
she was the woman I wanted when I was younger
and couldn't obtain. I damn sure can't do it now
that she has become cooked versus still meat that's marinated
in the freezer. And that's the truth of it. And
if women understood their value right, as long as they
just upkeep their value right, which is internal external, then

(55:00):
they would stop opting out early on. They would have realized, no,
my options start to build a next band as I
build an next Spand I agree, and I think men
as well. I feel like if men understood their value,
then they would not be raw dogging. They would not
be sharing their seemen with just any women. If they
understood their value. Come on, those are things that they

(55:20):
would double think in triple think. Yeah. So and another
thing I said. I was talking to a friend earlier
and I said, you know, the young guy that I
was dating for five years off and on. I said,
he had no kids, he was young, very successful, you
know in his field, I said, in what I loved

(55:43):
most about him was he showed his responsibility because in
our intimate settings, I never, ever, one time had to say,
can you put a robber on? Can keep on a contraceptive?
I never had to say that because in his mind,
he he didn't want to procreate before marriage. He didn't
want to be raw dogging, he didn't want to even

(56:05):
though we might have had four or five years together
and he was in love with me, He was being
responsible and that was a strong act of self love,
because what he was saying is that, wait, it's not
just you know your value, shy and you want me
to cover up, not just because babies, but obviously at STDs.
But I know my value as a man, So you
ain't got to ask me to cover up, because I'm

(56:26):
not going to nothing.

Speaker 4 (56:27):
Wraw.

Speaker 1 (56:27):
That is a man who loves himself. There's no man
who loves himself and will allow himself to be at
the highest risk of STDs. When we have HIV and
other disease that are not curable, that are at all
time high and always have been. That is a self
love deficit. And we have that a lot in our community.
That is a problem. And I'm not going to call
ole bad decisions when it comes to things that dissipate

(56:49):
and marginalize our community even more than it already is.
Those are real conversations we need to have. Men need
to know that their penis is just as valuable as
a woman's five area and they need to act as such.
They need to act as such. I agree with you
that's deep. I have a question.

Speaker 3 (57:10):
So when you are talking about, you know, being committed right, Like, so,
for instance, my parents been married for fifty years.

Speaker 1 (57:17):
My sister's been married for thirty years.

Speaker 3 (57:20):
So I come from a background of like, you have
no kids, I have no children.

Speaker 1 (57:24):
I have five sisters.

Speaker 3 (57:25):
I'm the youngest, and all my sisters are married, they
all have children. So I come from a family of marriage.
And my older sister always told me she's like, you know,
her and her husband is successful, multimillionaires, successful, both very attractive.
Same with my parents, nice and you know, my sister
would always say, the difference between myself and my husband

(57:49):
and everyone else is that we choose each other every day.
That's the people ask me, how did you get this
man to commit to you? How did I get you
to commit to me? It's because we made a conscious decision.
And they got married at two twenty three, so it
wasn't out of any desperation to make a conscious Yeah,
they were plassed. But I ask that because I feel
like people have some confusion where it's like where is

(58:12):
the line drawn?

Speaker 4 (58:13):
Though?

Speaker 3 (58:14):
Because I can say I'm gonna choose you every day, right,
and you can choose me, but you could be cheating
on me.

Speaker 1 (58:19):
You can have this going on, you can do this.

Speaker 3 (58:22):
So when I make that commitment, even in older age
or whatever the case may be, how can people decipher
like this is commitment?

Speaker 1 (58:31):
But this is where I should walk away. I think
anytime there's abuse right, or the relationship is causing an
impairment to where you can no longer function right, and
the normancy of the house is starting to be to
the point where you know it's so dysfunctional, you have

(58:52):
a broken family, and people are just not able to
come to a reasonable meeting point for the collective, then
it is time to walk away, definitely. But I don't
think it's time to walk away because we have a
disagreement because I don't like you right now. Are because
you're doing shit that I just thought you would never do,
and now we hear. I think those are all just

(59:14):
like spaces for y'all to do what the Bible says.
It says love your partner by knowledge of them. I
just got to learn the newness of you. And I
think that people need to stop coming into relationships expecting
people not to change. Paul made a good point earlier.
He said I fell in love with that woman. Then
the child come and things changed so much. It's like,
what do I do now? Well, you got to learn

(59:35):
to fall in love with a new woman who's a
mama now, who's trying to balance these two different roles,
And you got to be able to communicate with her.
And she has to be able to hold a safe
space for that man to communicate how he really feels
without personalizing it, so they can have a real conversation
around what is the reshaping of this relationship that's needed?

(59:58):
Because I try to get people to see because I
love marriage. I am like so pro marriage and so
pro loved that when my clients come in my session
talking about divorce, I say, listen, I got a question.
Do we really want a divorce? Or does this marriage
just need to be reshaped? Can we just reprogram it?
Can we reshape it? Because everything doesn't need to be
divorced and broken and split damn?

Speaker 4 (01:00:19):
Like you know, you talk to married couples, ah, you
talk to people in relationships and you hear the dysfunction
in all of it? Why do you want to get
married and have kids? Now?

Speaker 1 (01:00:41):
Well, I love you for that. I know you're serious
because that's a good question. No, because you know.

Speaker 4 (01:00:45):
This is negative all day, right, and like why.

Speaker 1 (01:00:50):
That's a real question. That's why earlier I'm confused about
myself because I see people come in my office and
because I'm not to tell me more dot, I'm not
a thank you for your money, figure it out, just
come back. No, we work in my sessions. We work.
And because I see them come in my office so hopeless,

(01:01:10):
so despaired, so broken, so hurt, so confused, so resentful
toward each other. Right, and then I see them go
from that? What I see them go from that with
the right tools, with the right guidance, with the right support,
learn how to love themselves, how to get out of

(01:01:31):
their own way, how to become healthier within themselves, how
to identify the little boy and the little girl in
them who was actually in that marriage and not the
adult in them. And realize I thought I just loved you,
but I actually like you now that I know you
past your trauma, now that I know you passed the

(01:01:54):
little girl in you who's abandoned and broken that I
was in a relationship with. For the first time in
ten years, fifteen years, I'm meeting the man in you.
See the little boy and you couldn't cover me, but
the man in you can learn how the little boy
and you kept calling on me to be your mama,
to atone for the things you didn't get from her.

(01:02:15):
I'm here to be your woman, And every time I can,
mommy you, you mad at me, you resentful toward me.
O damn, but I didn't do that. I'm just here
to love you. You can cry on my shoulder, but
I can't mommy you. So I had to tell my
client literally two days ago. I had to say, listen,
the reason why you're saying this woman doesn't have the

(01:02:35):
capacity to do the things that you want is because
you want her to mommy you. You got two options, bro.
You either go back and try to get it from
where you didn't get it from good luck, or you
surrender and you realize I'm never gonna get it. So
I gotta heal that little boy in me, and I
gotta move forward without getting it, and I gotta figure

(01:02:57):
out how I'm going to supply that for myself, Paul,
because I told him, the reason why this woman doesn't
have a capacity is because if she did, God knew
she would enable that little boy in you but her
not having it is dissipating your anxious attachment and your codependency.
And God has to strip you of what he doesn't

(01:03:17):
no longer need you to have if it doesn't serve you.

Speaker 4 (01:03:21):
I mean, this is the thing. I hear you that,
But like as a man, like when he's when you're
telling them the lady that he wants you to mony him.
That's your first example, your mom.

Speaker 1 (01:03:40):
Yeah, of how yeah to be treated, how to be loved.

Speaker 4 (01:03:46):
So why wouldn't he want that? You know what I'm saying.
And then y'all call y'all me and daddy, So what
were we talking about him? So convince him to not want that? Mommy,
feel like that's the first form of love. As a boy,
you feel so like, don't don't discourage that, you know,

(01:04:10):
I feel like that should be more encouraged. Like a dude,
a man wants that. This is the first form and
the purest form of love that you're ever gonna get
as a as a like you ever gonna get a
woman gonna come be your girlfriend, your wife and leave you.
Most black moms, that's the as a black man growing

(01:04:31):
up here, that's the purest form of love.

Speaker 1 (01:04:34):
So like, that's the purest form.

Speaker 4 (01:04:37):
Of love that I'm ever not ever had.

Speaker 1 (01:04:43):
But if it was dysfunctional, hold and slightly abusive, abuse
is not.

Speaker 4 (01:04:49):
Just that's love too, Yeah, abuses love like because I
come from old school, my mom would me that's called abuse, right.

Speaker 1 (01:04:59):
No, No, so I don't. Okay, I'm not a gentle parent.
So I believe in physical discipline, meaning spanking, and I
don't call whoopings. No, it's not. So it's subjective for
some people. You're right, they do consider that abuse. For
some folks like myself. Well, I don't consider my ass

(01:05:19):
opens I got abuse. I don't know if you do.
Did I wasn't an abused it today? No, you have
some parents. I'm a parent who has no problem with
pop powering on the hand, pop power whooping ass. I'm
not abusing my child. As the Bible says, an undisciplined
child is an unloved child. I still feel loved at
forty two because I got my ass whipped. I'm saying,

(01:05:43):
as a parent, when you would, yeah, what I would do, Yes,
And that's what I received. And because I see the
results of myself, right, I know that it worked. But
my point of saying is that if a mother is
abusive and I love you saying that is the purest
love that that man has got it, You're right. And
if that man's purest form of love was at the

(01:06:06):
hands of an abusive mother, then what kind of woman
you think that man is choosing when I'm listening, that's
a question of woman is he choosing. Let me go further.
If that mother right didn't know how to love her son,
but she gave her all, but there was a huge
love deficit. Hold on, He's choosing a woman who's what,

(01:06:29):
emotionally unavailable? So what happened was this young man chose
a woman who he loves so much, but she's emotionally unavailable.
And when I asked him, well, your mom had to
be emotionally unavailable, and you want her to mommy you
and give you what you didn't get. But this woman
is not there to do that, and you're already saying

(01:06:50):
she can't. So she can't conform ever enough to do
that for you. You know what he did. He put
his head down on my desk and he cried like
a baby. The little boy in him just weeped. And
I had to tell the girlfriend a whispered to I
don't want him to hear me say it. I said, God,
hug them, because I knew that's what he needed, right,

(01:07:12):
But he was in a relationship with who his mama,
who could never hug them, who was emotionally unavailable. So
let me tell you what we do. We set up
feeding stations in our life at all ages, okay. And
the feeding stations that we set up are the feeding
stations that we've learned as a kid, that is either
survival or thriving. And we feed on what's normal to us.

(01:07:35):
It's called baseline. And if all I know is abused,
then I'm going to set up abusive feeding stations in
all my relationships because I need that normal baseline for
me to function, even if it's dysfunctional. So we have
to look at, well, what's your baseline? What is your norm?
Where did you learn the norm? Did you learn it

(01:07:56):
from dad, mom? Did you learn it from a group home?
Did you learn it from someone who was actually abuse you?
Is that why you're promiscerous? Because for you, sexual abuse
made you feel validated. It made you feel like you
actually were good enough, but you didn't feel that anywhere else.
So now you're promiscuous, and you have no agency over
your body because for you, that's the only way that
you're fed. We gotta look at those things. So for

(01:08:17):
a man or even a woman, Yes, you're right. Women
should be nurturing and loving and submitting to their man. Absolutely.
But the way we love, y'all is different than the
way we would mammy are sons. It shows up different,
It shows up different, and the beauty of it is
you and your wife have no limit on your debt,

(01:08:44):
but your wife and her son. Do you get what
I'm saying. And so the depth that you can have
with this woman, if she can be your woman and
not your mama, is unlimited. But when she goes into
mama mode, there's automatic limits and barriers that come in
that walk up the relationship because a mother and son

(01:09:07):
relationship is unconditional love, but there's limits, there's boundaries to
keep that relationship healthy.

Speaker 4 (01:09:15):
Yeah, what's your situation right now?

Speaker 1 (01:09:17):
What you mean situation? Yea man, I'm dating. I'm single,
but I'm.

Speaker 4 (01:09:23):
Dating single, but something serious more than other, No, just dating.
We gotta we got a chance because she's therapy in us.

Speaker 3 (01:09:36):
Ter us, Like I want my woman to mommy, man,
hold on, what's going on with you?

Speaker 4 (01:09:43):
This is about you. You don't flip the script on
us over here. It was like, we need to find
out about what's going what's going on with her? Dating? Single?

Speaker 1 (01:09:55):
That? Wow?

Speaker 4 (01:09:55):
What do I tell for a forty two row?

Speaker 1 (01:09:58):
I am dating, enjoying my life. I have really good companions.

Speaker 4 (01:10:04):
How many dating right now?

Speaker 1 (01:10:06):
I'm not I'm not exclusively committed to anyone, but I have.
I mean, I have one guy that I have dated
off and on for five years. We dated five years. Often.

Speaker 4 (01:10:18):
You was his work for five years. You've been his work.
You're still his work.

Speaker 6 (01:10:22):
Oh my, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:10:25):
I know, it's I know what's going on now. I'm yeah, No,
take the sheep clothing off.

Speaker 1 (01:10:31):
I have read the wolf teeth going out.

Speaker 4 (01:10:33):
No, we have somebody's work for five years.

Speaker 1 (01:10:38):
We have been each other's companion for five years. And yeah,
I have spent the block for five years. And I
it's the truth. And he doesn't like it. He's absolutely correct.
He feels like I haven't provided no one's no, one
is no. We're working together, were working together.

Speaker 4 (01:11:00):
But you keeping them at bay, or you keeping you out?

Speaker 1 (01:11:04):
He wants, he wants he wants a relationship. He wants
to be committed.

Speaker 4 (01:11:08):
You just like the sun. Oh, let's keep it on it?
Are you keep somebody for five years? That's like, for real,
you can't keep nobody to the at a distance for
five years. I ain't never done, no ship.

Speaker 1 (01:11:21):
I am not botam in D deficient.

Speaker 4 (01:11:27):
He wanted and kept him on the side until she
figured out if it's something better. I see where this
is going.

Speaker 1 (01:11:33):
He just has some emotional maturity that he had to do.
We're nine years of party. He's nine years under than me,
and so he's we both had to work through things,
but he's had to work on his emotions and his
intense insecurities around being in a relationship.

Speaker 4 (01:11:50):
You've been waiting on it, like, what's what's the problem?
Why y'all not together?

Speaker 1 (01:11:54):
Just because of that, he does he's waiting on that. No,
I'm not waiting on it, and I don't have and waiting.

Speaker 4 (01:12:01):
So the D is good. Let's keep it. I mean,
that's what it's like.

Speaker 5 (01:12:09):
His red pajamas and get spicy to clear this.

Speaker 4 (01:12:13):
Is clear.

Speaker 6 (01:12:15):
From long.

Speaker 4 (01:12:17):
Don't don't try to.

Speaker 6 (01:12:18):
Come with the suit jacket.

Speaker 4 (01:12:22):
She's still in the globe. You know what I mean
he's still from long not from Inglewood.

Speaker 1 (01:12:29):
I could see that, and from sam Pgo, small community
in the city of Los Angeles. Okay, through all of that,
yes he's, Yes, he's he has great qualities. He does
well in all that he does with me. He just emotionally.

Speaker 4 (01:12:44):
Asked about his job and all that he.

Speaker 1 (01:12:46):
Does well in all areas. Answered that well and emotionally.

Speaker 4 (01:12:53):
I don't know, that's broad question.

Speaker 1 (01:12:56):
You're a man, so you answer this question emotionally. He
goes back and forth from I love you, I want
to be with you, I'm mad because you won't be
with me, you won't commit to me, And then his
insecurities get the best of them, and it's like, I

(01:13:16):
want you, but I'm not sure if I deserve you.
I'm not sure that I can facilitate you. I'm not
sure that I can be with you. So when I
say emotionally instability, it's like him wanting to be with
me is concrete, that's not unstable. His emotions in the
relationship are just unstable to where as a man, you

(01:13:38):
gotta get vertical within yourself before you can be in
a relationship. I am. But let me say that, let
me say he is. He has every right to feel
like what I've been doing as far as being in
a relationship with him when I want to and not

(01:14:00):
is not something that gives him stability. However, I don't
want to commit to your relationship with a man who
I feel emotionally is not in a place of being
able to be in a healthy relationship.

Speaker 4 (01:14:13):
So why are you messing with him? Why are you
playing mental games.

Speaker 1 (01:14:16):
With I'm not playing mental games with him. It's not
mental games. It's all transparency.

Speaker 4 (01:14:21):
Why is it still sex evolved?

Speaker 1 (01:14:23):
How do you know we sex and we could just
be having a because you from beach, I.

Speaker 4 (01:14:34):
Know what's going on.

Speaker 1 (01:14:34):
But let me say this. It is transparent. He understands,
I understand, I understand what he wants. He understands why
I don't want to commit at this moment with him,
which is the emotional piece that him and I talk
about openly. I support him in it. I hold space
for him in it. He's you know, we've talked about
intensively and he understands it. Uh, And he's clearly that's it.

(01:14:59):
Go ahead, that that's what I'm doing.

Speaker 4 (01:15:00):
Yes, exactly, Come, you.

Speaker 1 (01:15:02):
Know what if that's what I'm doing I'll say this
and people are gonna be mad, and I'm okay. If
I'm doing what Paul said, I much rather be the
one walking. You're at the dog part than the one
on the leash, if that's true. So that means to
my point at forty two, I'm not opt out. We
are not opt out. Okay, we have options and we

(01:15:23):
are not on the leash. We can actually be the
one holding the leash. It's all about your standards. It's
all about you understanding who you are, and you standing
in and on your square, and you're doubling down on
that period. There's men out there who who will show
up in any capacity we want. We don't have to settle,
and we don't have to settle at a certain time.

(01:15:45):
We can do what we want because I tell you
one thing I'm not doing. I ain't doing time, but
I ain't spend a whole lot of time with who
I want, when I want, and both of us are
enjoying it getting what we want.

Speaker 4 (01:15:55):
Come on, I can be just taking too lonely, y'all. Cook,
y'all got it making some decisions around here. You're gonna
start making some final decisions. This is a final round
of jeopardy, Yeah, this year, because this is always and
I ain't asked this yet. What percentage it's sex in

(01:16:21):
a relationship?

Speaker 1 (01:16:23):
You mean based on studies or me?

Speaker 4 (01:16:25):
No, no, no, I'm asking you, and I'm asking you, like,
all right, what percentage of the relationship, like, because this
is the thing you could be with somebody that like,
you know, he'll die for you, he'll he he just everything,
like you trust everything that he'll stand in front of

(01:16:46):
the bullet for you. All of that, you'll trust that
this man will be by your dying bed. I'm talking
about like thinking then but the moment he step out
on that end of it, it's over.

Speaker 1 (01:17:08):
Well, you know, I'm a Jesus girl. The Bible says
there's two permissible reasons for divorce. One is what you describe,
which is called infidelity, and the other one is unfaithfulness.
Look up that scripture. So what I'm saying is.

Speaker 4 (01:17:23):
So, what percentage is sex in a relationship for me?

Speaker 1 (01:17:27):
Personally? For me personally, because I'm not into casual sex,
So a part of it, yeah, I'm mentally. What I'm
saying is because I'm not into casual sex, part of
how I connect and express my love is also through
the act of making love, and it's also through allowing

(01:17:48):
my husband to use my body as a vessel for
his satisfaction. See, a lot of women have a problem
with that, and I'm not knocking them. They do, but
what I'm saying is for me. But that's a love
language for me. So for me, like, right, if my
husband is saying, you know, in the morning, I just
want a quickie before I go to work, I don't
take it as he's getting a quickie because he's using me,

(01:18:09):
he doesn't love me. I take it as, oh my god,
like I'm being used by my husband. He's using my
body as a vessel to satisfy him. So for me,
I'm going I want you to want me for a quickie,
for a longie, for an in betweeny, whatever it is,
because now I'm feeling needed by you, loved by you,

(01:18:31):
nurtured by you, and I'm being a vessel for you. Right. So,
my thing is if he's coming to me all day long,
and I've had to tell a client that if he's
coming to me all day long, then that should never
be a defining factor whether he cheats or not. That's
a character flaw. However, I'm also not putting my husband
in the position to feel like, wait a minute, I'm

(01:18:53):
in a deficit because all I'm doing is trying to
use my wife, who should be a vessel for me,
and I don't even have access to that. So I'm
an access woman. My husband accessing my body is also
a love language for me. So the more that he
accesses me and has his way with me, the more
I'm in love and feeling loved by him. But I'm

(01:19:14):
also not a fatherless girl. I've had a father in
my life, not just present, but present having conversations with
me that men should be having with their daughters. When
I first got engaged, he was very clear, Listen, don't
deny him if he's leaving to go somewhere, offered a
make sure that he knows that he has access to it.

(01:19:35):
He said, unless it's abuse or something of that sort, submit,
there's nothing wrong with that. And so I was told
that by a man who loved me right, who never
took advantage of me. So his word is bond. And
when I've been in relationships, I've been engaged twice. That's
one thing that I me and my fiance saying he
was like one thing I got to say about you, Shay,

(01:19:57):
He's like, no matter what we went through or disagree with,
the argued about ites like you never denied me sex
and you never played around with trying to puppet me
with that, and it wasn't again because I want to
keep him from cheating, because you can't control a mopel
for doing what they gonna do no matter what you
do period. It's I feel loved when you use me

(01:20:19):
as a vessel. I feel like.

Speaker 4 (01:20:24):
It, No, this is game.

Speaker 1 (01:20:26):
I'm here, but women have to also. And intwo of
the women who don't have that mindset because they've either
been sexually abused or their fatherless little girls, or they
have other barriers, Listen, that is okay, Like you got
to work through what you have going on. It's not
a comparison thing. But when you get to a space

(01:20:48):
where you feel safe and you look at again yourself
as I'm married to this man and him accessing me
is really him using me as a feeding tank. I
just think that it's so beautiful that we are each
other's feeding tank and so it's always a feast available
for you. And I do feel like if both men

(01:21:11):
and women submit it sexually in all other ways that
say the feast is available for you because commitments what not.
What I feel is what I said I would do,
and if I'm marrying you by all.

Speaker 3 (01:21:24):
Means, I also feel like that Like for me as
a woman, if my man doesn't want me sexually, it
makes me feel like inadequate, like well, is there something wrong?

Speaker 1 (01:21:34):
Like do you not are you attracting me? Is there
someone else that you're getting it from? Like what's going on?

Speaker 3 (01:21:39):
So I personally is like it's like a compliment to
me that my man wants to come and have sex
with me no matter what time, Like I've never been
in a relationship and denied a man of sex, Like
it's just not that's not something I do. I don't
use my sex as a pawn and as a weapon,
and I feel like a lot of women do that.
And then, like you said, it leaves room for like, Okay,

(01:22:01):
I'm not getting what I want from home. And again
it's not in a way to be like I don't
want you to cheat too, I'm gonna have sex with
you every minute. It's in a way of like you said,
I don't want people to misuse me, but use me
as much as you can, because that's what I'm here for.

Speaker 1 (01:22:17):
I want you to want me and I want you equally.

Speaker 3 (01:22:20):
And I feel like if I'm in love with this man,
or even if there's times where like love is not
always enough, but I know that I rock with you.

Speaker 1 (01:22:27):
I know we're connected. I view sex as a form
of intimacy.

Speaker 3 (01:22:31):
You're inside of me the closest we can be, so
when I'm intimate with you, especially because men are different
with expressing emotions, So for me, it's like if you're
inside of me and I'm intimate with you and you're
kissing me, and I can feel you inside of me,
like that makes me feel so close to you, and
it makes me feel so loved by you that I'm
just like at my highest, you know, like I feel

(01:22:52):
like I can manifest at my highest when I'm in.

Speaker 1 (01:22:55):
That space with my man. I always want you to
feel like you can come to me.

Speaker 3 (01:22:59):
And like I said, said, I've been in relationships where
if we stop having sex, I look up like, damn, well,
what's happening.

Speaker 1 (01:23:04):
Isn't someone else? Do you? Are you not attracted to me?
Like what is going on? And that's a red flag
in my mind? And I love what you said because
I always tell folks, if I choose you or I
trust you, mm hm. But if I don't trust you,
why am I choosing you? Exactly? So if I trust you,
you can access me. Right, that's even as a friend. Yeah,
my best friends are choose him. I trust them fully,

(01:23:25):
they got full access. I'm accessing and really quick, I
had clients come to me. They were both thirty, and
their biggest issue was for him, she was denying him
of sex. And he said to me, doc, this is
what he said, Paul. He said, listen, he said, doc.

Speaker 4 (01:23:40):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (01:23:40):
And then her issue was he came to her and
said he wanted polyamory. Lord right, So I'm trying to
get to because I'm trying to unravel while he wants polyamory.
They're thirty and I'm like, well, is that what you want?
And she's like, hell no, I don't want it, and
so he goes, look, doc, man, he goes, I'm thirty
years old and I'm masturbating more than I'm even getting sex.
He goes, and I've never cheated on her.

Speaker 4 (01:24:00):
I love her.

Speaker 1 (01:24:01):
It's been five years. And I asked her, she has
he cheated? She they've been together five years, and I said,
has he ever cheated? She said, so, you know, she said,
she said, in five years, she has no evidence that
he's ever cheated. So we got to go with the
fact this man is a good man. He's never cheated.
And so he says. When I asked her, you know, hey,

(01:24:23):
I want some, she says no. When I asked her,
I said, what are you in pain? Is there something
else going on? And she said no, and he said her.
I said, how do you respond? He said, She says,
I don't feel like it. But she's also wanted this
man to marry her. He's also wanting this man to
do different commitments. And she also was not okay with polyamory.
So I said to her, I said, why do you

(01:24:45):
feel like you have a problem with him right using
your body as a feeding station? She said, because I
feel used. I don't feel loved in that moment. I
feel used. I said, okay. I said, but you have
a man who would other masturbate and step out on
you because that's how much he loves you. But you

(01:25:05):
still feel used when he makes you his feeding station.
I said, okay, but you don't want polyamory either. She
says no. I said, if it's abused or if there's
an impairment, for sure, say no. And you always have
agency over your body. However, if this man is telling

(01:25:29):
you that I want you as my feeding station and
you can't see that as being a vulnerability in him,
a plus in him, a reward in him, then you
are going to have a problem, I said. And he's
coming to you telling you'll want polyamory because he's still
trying not to cheat. Damn. And I told him, I said, listen,

(01:25:53):
if you go into this marriage and we don't fix this,
you will have a sexless marriage. So what I'm saying
is what ended up happening is this young woman has
daddy issues and the fact that she doesn't feel valued
by her father. She doesn't know how to receive love
and value from this man. So her trauma is eclipsing

(01:26:15):
her from seeing this man is faithful, this man loves me,
this man is intentional about me. This man wants to
marry me, and he's into me. Yeah, right, And so
all I'm saying is there's these all these barriers that
people come up with, and you know, it isn't always
the man's fault. You got men who are really in
session doing the right thing, And a lot of times

(01:26:39):
men are not as vocal with their women about the
issues because good men don't want to hurt their women.
So a lot of times they wouldraw from saying, baby,
you got daddy issues our baby, this is not okay,
our baby. I can't be masturbating three. He said, I'm
assurbect three four times a day. Doc. Oh wow, that's

(01:26:59):
a lot. That's a lot. But they're also aready having
sex only once a month. Oh that's crazy, right, And
so you have all these barriers in relationships. But when
you see people break through these things and you really
see them get to the other side, it shows you
the essence of love and it shows you how doing
the work works. Who's not black? Yeah he was a

(01:27:23):
great looking, good man, black man, and great couple. They're
still together and they're working through it. Those type of
stories are buried enlightening.

Speaker 4 (01:27:32):
From the hood. Something that's gotta be something.

Speaker 1 (01:27:36):
Okay, So I got it. I love this so so oh.
So you're saying a nigga gonna be a nigga, right right,
that's what you're saying.

Speaker 4 (01:27:46):
Yeah, so he is.

Speaker 1 (01:27:47):
You're saying that that she got a black man, not
a nigga, right, because he's deciding to try every day. See,
this is where a lot of men, but this is
where a lot of men get upset at because you
have good men in those situations. Right with a woman
who is not seeing the value in her man because

(01:28:07):
she can't sheese eclips with her trauma and her daddy issues. Yeah,
you get me hold on because if it was a
different man like you're saying, Paul, he would have ran
the play. He would he needed to run to make
sure he was good.

Speaker 4 (01:28:22):
He would he would have put the foot down.

Speaker 1 (01:28:25):
But as soon as she would have cried, I'm heartbroken
because he cheated. It's to your point, the man is
wrong without people hearing the context of what even happened
and how much work this man is put in. So
there's good men out there that women are not receptive
to because their own barriers, issues and traumas that y'all

(01:28:47):
got to work through. You just do, because if you're
run into what me and Paul said, a nigga, whos
gonna be a nigga? You're gonna be in my session
Tom about Doc. I'm broken hearted. But when you have
the good guy who was sitting up there trying to
make sure he did right by you. Run every play
you was turning the shoulder to him. That's a problem.
That's a problem. And we gotta be able to call

(01:29:09):
women out too, not just men. We gotta call women
out too, and say I told her, I said, you
got a good man, And she said, you know what,
I gotta work on my issues because I got a
good man. She's driving with her headlights off. That's how
it is sometimes.

Speaker 3 (01:29:28):
And I do see a lot of women who want
good men and then they have one right in front
of them and they can't even recognize it. And it's
like damn, because we see in others who we are,
not who they are exactly.

Speaker 4 (01:29:38):
That.

Speaker 1 (01:29:39):
This is why it's a self job. I'm only experiencing
myself with y'all. If I'm nasty, I'm experienced nasty. I
can't see past myself. Yeah, we none of us can
see past ourselves. You see through your trauma.

Speaker 4 (01:29:51):
So I a therapist or a pimp, I cry, last,
hold on, I'm over here.

Speaker 1 (01:30:05):
The therapist. She knows what she's talking about.

Speaker 4 (01:30:12):
You got, you got?

Speaker 1 (01:30:13):
Yeah, you see what I'm taking my time.

Speaker 4 (01:30:18):
I can see through that.

Speaker 1 (01:30:19):
You see. The therapist is what y'all get. The pmpis
what they I'm just playing.

Speaker 4 (01:30:26):
She ain't playing, she ain't playing.

Speaker 6 (01:30:31):
I know what this is.

Speaker 4 (01:30:33):
I know what this is. What is it?

Speaker 1 (01:30:36):
I know diagnosed me? What is it?

Speaker 4 (01:30:39):
I ain't gonna diagnose.

Speaker 1 (01:30:40):
I'm crying.

Speaker 4 (01:30:42):
I love it.

Speaker 1 (01:30:43):
I love it. She's talking about feeding. She's just a pimp.
She got the gift for the gap.

Speaker 4 (01:30:51):
Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be both of y'all.

Speaker 1 (01:30:54):
Well, I'm gonna have I'm gonna have been lined up
with a little feeding pop. They s anybody speaking.

Speaker 4 (01:31:03):
We've been here a while, man, Doc, you've been amazing.
Yeah you have. I feel like I got some good
therapy today.

Speaker 1 (01:31:12):
Yeah, you therapy. I grew.

Speaker 4 (01:31:14):
I grew today. Actually I learned a lot today. You know,
I've always admired your work because I listened to you,
I follow you obviously. Uh yeah, I appreciate this this
time right here. But I know this is long beach.
You ain't fooling me.

Speaker 1 (01:31:33):
I'm crying.

Speaker 4 (01:31:34):
This is like we get this on camera. It's something
else off this camera. You know, I know what it is,
but you know it's for another day.

Speaker 1 (01:31:41):
Yeah, we have another episode about pimp at Real because
you game recognized game. So we've seen others who we are,
not who they are. You see the pimp in me, pimp.

Speaker 4 (01:31:54):
Man, I'm far from that.

Speaker 6 (01:31:57):
You need it first, right, I didn't see it because
I grew.

Speaker 4 (01:32:00):
Up around it, around a lot of slick talkers, you know,
from Chicago to the Bay, you know, the Long Beach
and Inglewood to l A. Right.

Speaker 1 (01:32:10):
I love that.

Speaker 3 (01:32:12):
Yeah, well, I really appreciate you coming. I'm also I
love what you talk about. Your very level headed, and
I feel like you just bring an essence to the
Internet into all these spaces that we need to hear
and a lot of women and men need. And I
really appreciate that because you know where we live in
a world where anyone get on a mic and say anything.

(01:32:34):
I really value people who are educated, who actually do
the work, and who actually have the experience to talk
about these things. So I'm really grateful that you came
on our show.

Speaker 1 (01:32:43):
Thank you so much. We really really appreciate you.

Speaker 3 (01:32:46):
We fuck with you, and we thank you so thank
everyone for listening to the truth. After Yeah, anything you
want to leave us with.

Speaker 1 (01:32:56):
Yeah, I'm gonna say that, but I love y'all chemistry.
That's why you see me. I'll be on the comments, yea,
the comments, I mean the comments. I love y'all chemistry together.
I love you guys. How you guys play tennis, it's
so good.

Speaker 4 (01:33:13):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (01:33:14):
I do. And I love how you check is ass.
That's good. I love it and I love how you
allow it as you should. Then you're growing, you're learning.

Speaker 2 (01:33:23):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:33:23):
But and thank you for using your platform for allowing
me to come on and give my turns, because you know,
my purpose is just to change lives and help people
live a better quality life. Mental health. It's a human right,
not a race right. So thanks for having me and y'all.
My new book, Mental Detalks is available pre order everywhere,
so go get it pre order pre order pre order.
It is available November. On Thanksgiving, we'll be shipping out everything.

(01:33:46):
And I do want to shout out fifty cent for
being one of the one of my biggest supporters in
my career as well as taking lead on getting me
my double book deal with the biggest publishing company in
the world and my agent Mark Ye fifty went to
bad for me, so loving for that. That's my guy. Yeah.

(01:34:08):
But y'all go get that book, you know, Yeah, I
can get in that. He talks pre order my book.
It's good. And then we have the bron Wilderness, the
next book coming out, and then I will give y'all
an exclusive. Come on, I'll give you an exclusive.

Speaker 3 (01:34:25):
Get She's pregnant twenty twenty five, baby twenty twenty five.

Speaker 1 (01:34:29):
Actually no, everyone can tune into my talk show In
Session with Doctor Bryant, which is airing every Tuesday, seven
pm Eastern on YouTube. This is the first place I've
said it. I haven't said it again anywhere else, but

(01:34:51):
we we Yeah, our premiere is July the what's it?

Speaker 4 (01:34:56):
What's that?

Speaker 1 (01:34:57):
Tuesday? July? What was our premiere? You got your calendar
with you? Come on? Exclusive? I love that we getting exclusive.
That's gonna be a May show one. Yeah, it's it's that.
It's that Tuesday, Tuesday, Yeah, July fifteenth, In Session with
Doctor Bryant premier. Y'all, it is not a pod. It

(01:35:18):
is a show. And not to knock any pods because
the pods are amazing. I love them. And it's it's
it's a it's all healing. It's a lot of work,
a lot of crying, a lot of processing, a lot
of the Doctor b isms that you get a lot
of go deeper. We're working and so yeah, we're gonna
go there. It's gonna get deep. I'm excited for that.

(01:35:38):
I'm gonna be tuning in. So July fifteenth, we got
the talk show with Doctor b.

Speaker 3 (01:35:45):
Okay, I'm really excited at seven pm on Tuesdays Eastern time.

Speaker 1 (01:35:49):
That's amazing. I look forward to that.

Speaker 3 (01:35:51):
Make sure you guys get her book coming out, Mental
Decent Talks Thanksgiving.

Speaker 1 (01:35:55):
It's going to be incredible. Now for pre order, I
would be pre ordering mine tonight. Amazing. Anything else you
want to share or is that I'm you know, I'm
just excited. I'm really excited because I'm really excited for
the show. That's a lot of different networks and people
have been asking for it. And had a conversation with

(01:36:16):
fifty about shows earlier last year and he gave me
some of the best advice. He said, Nah, do it
on your own, or make sure that you have the
backing of funding, You own your show, you own your license,
and go kill that shit dot. And so I'm really
proud because there isn't a what I call like a

(01:36:37):
black doctor feel right now, we don't have that, and
we don't have it as a woman, even on television,
and so I'm just really excited to bring that healing
piece to folks so that you can see, you know,
a representation of a black woman loving our people and
other people, but really advocating for our community and healing

(01:36:58):
one person at a time. I'm one viewer at a
time and really just my sheep hear and my voice
and being a vessel. I'm excited about it.

Speaker 3 (01:37:06):
Are you going to have a live audience? Nope, No,
live audience, Okay, because it's it's it's not like a
doctor Phil. We're there to just have an audience.

Speaker 1 (01:37:15):
We're doing real work and we got people who are
coming in with real issues, intimate, really intimate, really processing,
and we're doing follow ups and make sure they get
the assessments, evaluations they need, the processing that they need.
So it's some thing I might need to come on
and get some Okay, Yeah, it's gonna be good.

Speaker 3 (01:37:33):
Okay, that sounds amazing. Thank you for coming. We really
really appreciate that. Make sure you guys tune in with
doctor Shyanne Bryant Truth after Dark. Subscribe, follow we'll have
all her information as well as her book tagged in
the YouTube so you can pre order.

Speaker 1 (01:37:49):
And yeah, thank you guys for tuning in. And we cooked,
we cooked, cooked super around me, sound Manila.

Speaker 4 (01:38:19):
This is the taking over the game, all right, everybody,
welcome to Truth after Dark.

Speaker 1 (01:38:32):
Do you think that men or women are more toxic

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Dr. Cheyenne Bryant Talks About “Being Cooked”, Dating Younger Men, & Having A Baby In Her 40s | Truth After Dark

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Dr. Cheyenne Bryant Talks About “Being Cooked”, Dating Younger Men, & Having A Baby In Her 40s | Truth After Dark