Dr. Sarah Fontenot Gives A Lesson On Relationships, Marriage, & Self-Worth | Truth After Dark - The Truth After Dark

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I just feel like a lot of women have audacity
because they'll be over here talking about you know that
man's a broken baby.

Speaker 2 (00:06):
You are brokey, Like if all you have to offer is.

Speaker 1 (00:09):
Your body, you broke too. And I feel like we
live in this prostitution era where I will give you
my body because you took me to dinner.

Speaker 2 (00:17):
Men lead with their wallet and they're mad that they
caught a whore. Sorry, it happens all the time.

Speaker 3 (00:24):
It's the longest I've been like like this.

Speaker 1 (00:27):
What's like.

Speaker 3 (00:32):
That I've been a state of mind?

Speaker 1 (00:35):
Like, you're a relationship guy?

Speaker 3 (00:37):
Yeah, I'm total?

Speaker 1 (00:39):
Are you a faithful relationship guy?

Speaker 3 (00:42):
A man no more about being in love than a one?
What benefits do a guy like Paul Pierce get from marriage?
What's breaking your neck? So? Like, all right, breaking break
your neck? Nine?

Speaker 1 (01:01):
That's that's like aware? Are you just looking next to you?
That's breaking?

Speaker 4 (01:05):
Man?

Speaker 1 (01:06):
Go home?

Speaker 3 (01:09):
So y'all together?

Speaker 4 (01:10):
You do this?

Speaker 3 (01:13):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (01:13):
Yeah's too much? That's too much?

Speaker 3 (01:15):
How many seconds you get? What if you do this?

Speaker 4 (01:18):
No?

Speaker 3 (01:37):
Your sister taking over the game? All right? Everybody, welcome
to Truth after Dark?

Speaker 2 (01:50):
Do you think that men or women are more toxic?

Speaker 3 (01:59):
Hello?

Speaker 2 (02:00):
Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Truth After
Dark with Azar Faraday and Paul Pierce. How you feeling good? Good?

Speaker 4 (02:09):
Good?

Speaker 2 (02:10):
Today we have a very special guest with us an entrepreneur,
a speaker, a podcast hosts of the It's Giving podcast.
She is very known for her canond discussions on healing, accountability,
and the dynamics of contemporary dating and relationships. Please welcome
doctor Sarah Fontano. Thank you.

Speaker 1 (02:36):
I love it.

Speaker 2 (02:37):
We're really excited to have you. I love your podcast,
I love your takes on different things, and I just
love how real you are. And it's funny because today,
actually I saw you go viral on the Baller Alert, okay,
and they were talking about basically how you feel like
women who want transactional relationships are brokies. And I have

(02:59):
a viral clip talking about transactional relationships actually, so please explain.

Speaker 3 (03:04):
That transactional relationships are broke.

Speaker 2 (03:16):
No, please break it yet. You need something to get
something right? Yeah, And I literally talk about this and
like I agree with you, so what like just break
it down a little bit.

Speaker 3 (03:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (03:29):
So, I just feel like a lot of women have
audacity because they'll be over here talking about you know
that man's a brokeye. Baby you are brokey, Like if
all you have to offer is your body, you broke too.
And I feel like we live in this prostitution era
where I will give you my body because you took
me to dinner, and I just don't subscribe to that whatsoever.

(03:49):
But also I do think that if that's going to
be what you're about, because get how you live it,
I'm not here to wrong anybody. If that's what you
want to do, do you boo. But I will say
what's important for me for the little girls that are
looking up to the women that have the Chanel bags
and the Bentley trucks and you know, the Louis Vautona
and now I have a lot of these things. However,
I have businesses, whereas a lot of these other women

(04:11):
are laying on their backs. So I just think it's
important for them to stop misleading young girls and making
them think that this is what I should be shooting for.
When baby girl, you don't want nothing to do with this.
It's a lot of sweat you don't want to feel,
you know what it is.

Speaker 3 (04:24):
And as a man, this is what I feel like
this generation is all about. Since we live in a
social media error. Females want to show off an image
of something there really not yeah, you know, so like

(04:44):
if a man say, hey, you know what's up. I mean,
let's go to Mexico and he get her her mask
bag or woo woo, and she come back take flicks
with that with some new shoes, and then it looked
like she's styling and profiling, but really she only got
like two or three of those out fence like and
just showing them all right, like you know what I'm saying,
And it's making her little glamorous for the next dude.

(05:06):
Whos gonna he who she gonna fool? Yeah, to take
her on the next trip. And it's just like a cycle.
Now it's like a cycle of now I'm a It's
like it's like a drug dealer. He start off with
a nick, he's now he starts selling pounds. Now he
starts selling the kilos, and it's just like a cycle.

Speaker 1 (05:24):
A snowball.

Speaker 3 (05:25):
Don't get it one time, show make it seem like
she's cracking, and then that you gonna think she's cracking,
do the same thing, get more for her, and then
it's just like damn, now she got no substance to herself.
She got no, it's nothing to her.

Speaker 2 (05:39):
And the great words of Nippsey Hustle, You're like a
coke bottle, but the SODA's flat. Oh, And I think
that that's what we're seeing a lot. And I feel
like there is a lot of modern day prostitution going on,
and I've spoke on it. What do you feel about
women who feel like like, first of all, you're a
gorgeous woman, you're a smart you're successful. What are your

(06:03):
requirements like if someone wanted to date you?

Speaker 1 (06:05):
Yeah, so, first of all, it's an us thing that
makes two of us, so thank you. But for me,
I need what's real. And I think a lot of
women get it twisted because they've heard so much on
social media that he needs to make six figures, six
feet tall, six packs and six inches right. But the
reality is, how does that make you feel? Outside of physicality?
That doesn't do anything for you. So for me, I

(06:28):
know what I need personally, and I think it's important
for all women to get clear on what they need.
I need safety, security, respect, emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, openness,
and honesty. That's what's most important to me. And I
think that a lot of people because they're looking at
you know, what can I get from this man? It's
this entitlement day age, just this prostitution era. Where did

(06:49):
you buy me the bag? Did you get me the shoes?
If not, no, you don't get any play when the
truth is and this is for the men at home
that are listening. If a woman wants you to spend
all your money on her upfront, she don't like you,
because no woman that likes you is ever going up
like we are almost like who we'll hold up if
you don't got to do all of that when we
really like you. And then also women, you should be

(07:10):
looking at a man a little bit crazy if all
he wants to do is give you money up front,
because now there's an expectation here. He wants a return
on his investment. So we just got to be real
about what it is and what we're signing up for.

Speaker 3 (07:22):
Yeah, and that's what I think about this new generation
because when I see about all these cases and stuff
going on, like this is the thing, because this is
the thing where we got to realize you can't answer
something based on your money. Facts, Like this is the
thing because guys like it is getting richer than ever.
When girls is making money and they start off like hey,

(07:43):
boom boom boom, and then you got to keep that up.

Speaker 2 (07:45):
Men lead with their wallet and they're mad that they
caught a whore. Oh sorry, it happens all the time.
Oh nah, it's you paying for this woman. It's clear.
And then you're upset because you're like, oh my god,
she's a whole. Well that's what you did. You led
with your wallet and you call feelings.

Speaker 3 (08:03):
Yeah, you met a girl because you you on the road.
You flew her somewhere, didn't get to know where. It
was fun, and then it just turned into like what
you thought was gonna be loved turned into a scandal.

Speaker 1 (08:20):
Scamming. There's dating scammers out here. There's a lot of women.
They don't even eat unless they go on a date
with the man.

Speaker 2 (08:26):
I've heard that it's brutal.

Speaker 3 (08:28):
Let me tell you one story. I went out on
a date with this girl and uh it was a
good time. Boom boom. She had a little one bedroom
apartment her kid. Because I asked like, oh y'all live here,
I got my kid over here. So then we didn't
go out again, so until like so a week later
she was like, this is the next text. She said, uh,

(08:52):
when you're taking me shopping? That was the next text.
And I was just after one day and I was
just like, damn, I was just thinking that too.

Speaker 1 (09:06):
Period, That's what I said this period.

Speaker 2 (09:10):
I think that's ridiculousous.

Speaker 3 (09:13):
How do you have the audacity to ask that? Though?

Speaker 1 (09:16):
But you know what, though, women are getting more and
more bold. Like the stories that I'm hearing is like
you think that you met somebody, and then a week
later they're like, oh my god, my tires went flat.
Oh my god, Like it's the ninth and you're talking
about your rent. Your rent was just already paid. You
talking about next month's rint. You know, like, people are
just getting more and more bold. And I think it's

(09:36):
because we live in this transactional day and age. But
I will say this, and I say this all the time.
I feel like for a person to ask for something
that they're not qualified for, it's crazy, right, And so
I always say, in order to see what you believe
you deserve and try to be as real with yourself
as possible, maybe ask a stranger. I feel like there

(09:58):
are six pillars to true happiness, true self love, true
self worth, and that is physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially,
and energetically. So what I want people to do, if
you're listening to this is, yeah, make a bar graph,
you know, make a bar graph of all six of
those things separately, and on a scale of one to ten,
rank yourself. You cannot use a seven and then add

(10:20):
all of those numbers up divided by six. That's your average.
So now to be clear, if you ain't been to
the gym in a year or six months, you are
not an eight. Okay, don't give yourself a six. If
you don't eat right and you don't go to the gym,
don't give yourself no six. If you know you haven't
talked to God in ten years, don't give yourself an

(10:41):
eight or even a six. If you know, like you know,
like you know that you go off when somebody cuts
you off in traffic, you go off on Miss Susie
at the work office. If you know you have no
emotional regulation emotionally, do not give yourself a six. So
when you look at your numbers, you add them up,
you divide it by six to get your average. If
you're a four or five, stop asking for a ten.

Speaker 2 (11:03):
Oh that is a bar.

Speaker 3 (11:06):
All right, hold on, let me, I want to do
this test.

Speaker 1 (11:08):
Okay, let me.

Speaker 3 (11:08):
I'm gonna give myself.

Speaker 2 (11:09):
The rank physical.

Speaker 1 (11:12):
Start with physical, all right, I'll say like, can't you.

Speaker 3 (11:21):
Eight?

Speaker 1 (11:22):
Okay? Okay, we got eight? Look, put my calculator out, look.

Speaker 3 (11:25):
Okay, Spiritual, spiritual, I'm gonna say eight. Okay, I mean
I prayed this morning, I prayed last night.

Speaker 2 (11:34):
Energetically yeah, energy energy.

Speaker 3 (11:38):
Nine?

Speaker 1 (11:39):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (11:40):
Mentality is that one of them? Okay? Mentality ten?

Speaker 1 (11:45):
Oh you, I'm mad at that. Okay. Mentality we got
emotionally physically.

Speaker 3 (11:52):
Emotionally is something different, right?

Speaker 2 (11:54):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (11:55):
Now, emotional range, emotion Now, how emotionally sure are you?

Speaker 1 (12:00):
How emotionally aware and regulated are you? How emotionally vulnerable
are you? How emotionally open are you?

Speaker 2 (12:07):
And if you give yourself a ten?

Speaker 1 (12:09):
Fine, okay, I can go with it. That's honest. I
can appreciate that.

Speaker 2 (12:13):
And then spiritually, no, we did spiritually, we did emotionally
physically spiritually.

Speaker 3 (12:21):
Oh.

Speaker 2 (12:21):
Financially oh yeah.

Speaker 3 (12:22):
Okay, I'm a billionaire, but I can do what I want.

Speaker 2 (12:27):
Well.

Speaker 1 (12:27):
The top top one percent of America is four hundred
and thirty seven thousand dollars.

Speaker 3 (12:34):
A year.

Speaker 1 (12:35):
Yeah, so if you're in the top, if you're in
the top ten, give them a ten.

Speaker 2 (12:41):
Give them a ten.

Speaker 1 (12:42):
I'm just saying, Okay, so ten this equals fifty divided
by six equals eight point three. You are an eight.
You are more than welcome to eight. But to be honest,
what's funny is because you are a ten financially, there
are so many women that if that's all you had,
they think that's.

Speaker 2 (12:59):
An Oh and he's sixth plus and you're and he's
a celebrity, so hey, you could have it all.

Speaker 1 (13:06):
Is it hard dating for you?

Speaker 3 (13:08):
Yeah? Okay, I figured so, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2 (13:13):
Yeah, I can imagine that.

Speaker 3 (13:14):
So it's the longest I've been like like this.

Speaker 1 (13:19):
What's like.

Speaker 3 (13:23):
Just like like this that I've been in a single
state of mind?

Speaker 1 (13:29):
Like your a relationship guy?

Speaker 3 (13:30):
Yeah, I'm total.

Speaker 1 (13:32):
Are you a faithful relationship guy?

Speaker 3 (13:37):
That's not a fair question because like the thing like
faithfulness go two ways, and then faithfulness is like what
you making?

Speaker 2 (13:46):
Well, I want to get your opinion.

Speaker 3 (13:49):
Look, okay, this is no this is the thing. Let
me finish though, Okay, go ahead, Like I've done some things,
that's you shouldn't do in a relationship. Okay, but it
wasn't just out of life lust. It was out of
lack of what I wasn't getting in a relationship.

Speaker 1 (14:06):
Yeah okay.

Speaker 3 (14:07):
And so it was like and it was talked about,
you know what I'm saying, so.

Speaker 2 (14:13):
Like meaning expressing lacking the Okay.

Speaker 3 (14:17):
But I feel like and like because I've been in
the fourteen, I've been in a nine, and I've been
in a three. So like, you know, you having long relationships,
you know, I ain't like no when I'm in it,
I'm in it, yeah, you know, but it's just like
stuff be happening. And I really think like sometimes the

(14:37):
kids kind of like it. Put it like because you
don't you don't prepare for kids, you know what I'm saying,
Because you like the relationship how it is when you're
in it, like you like what you fell in love with,
and then kids come something else, getting away of that
love because the love spread now to the kid. So
now instead of geting one hundred percent of love, you

(14:59):
getting fifty percent of it now, and then another kid
come now you might be getting twenty percent of it.
When you was like damn what, like I was the guy. Yeah,
and so now I gotta compensate and deal with other
And it's not wrong because you know other love came
into the world. But then it messes up your mental like, damn,

(15:20):
this is why I fell in love with the hundred,
But now I went from the one hundred to the
fifty to the twenty. It's like, damn, I'm over here,
Like damn, now I'm over here watching movies by myself.
Now I'm over here on the couch next to the
fireplace by myself. While you know, that's I mean, that's
the reality of it, because if you look at it
all relationships. A lot of times men will tell you

(15:41):
that like kids like kind of like put a wedge
in between things because the things you was getting before
that you ain't getting that. No, no, now you ain't
coming home to know, to know sex, you ain't coming
home to no meal, you ain't coming home. I'm tired,
like you, you know, and you got it as a man,
you gotta mentally, you don't. It ain't no book on
this because I didn't see that coming. I just thought

(16:02):
like a family, but gross closer, you know, And it's
just you gotta wrap your mind around this is gonna
be what it is. But there's no book telling you,
there's no movie telling me this, and so it's just
like damn you get and then think about this. Being
a sports player or celebrity or whatever you do, you

(16:24):
get all this attention from so many other outlets, and
it's like you ain't getting attention where you want to
get it from. It's just like, damn, Like I'm getting
attention over here. This sounds good, this looked good, This
little shiny thing over here, this is a track there. Man,
it's giving me an attention.

Speaker 2 (16:40):
But that goes into what you said because I heard
you say before you feel like weak people cheat.

Speaker 1 (16:45):
Yep, I think is weak?

Speaker 2 (16:48):
Can you expand it?

Speaker 3 (16:50):
So tell me how would you deal with that?

Speaker 1 (16:54):
Well, I think it's easier when you're a man with
resources because I honestly feel like most times, especially women
become mothers. And also, let me just say thank you
for your transparency, because I know for a fact that
there are so many men that feel the same exact
way as you, where you lose your wife or your
girl as soon as they have children. Why because they
become a whole different person. But they have to. So

(17:16):
the old version of them is no longer the version
that you'll ever know again because that person died in
pregnancy or in childbirth. Right, they're a whole new They've
been born into something all new along with the children.
But how do you get through that? Most women are
tired because they don't have any help. A lot of
the times, you know, people say that I'm pro man

(17:37):
inside of what I say, but I'm just pro logic.
And the truth is, there are a lot of women
that are emotionally exhausted because I don't think men take
into account the level of emotional labor that goes into
running a household, like especially of feminine women, because we
are so intuitively paying attention to the details and the

(17:57):
gaps in the household that we're constantly seeking. What is
the need that you have? Well, if we're seeking your
needs and now we're seeking the children's needs, and I
forget all about my needs, and oh my god, this
person has to eat. Hey, these bills over here have
to get paid. Oh my god, the house is a mess.
Oh I have this party coming up. Oh my god,
I'm still working. If they're even still working, there are
so many different things that are put onto a plate

(18:18):
where it's just straight overwhelmed, right, And so I think
that for a couple, number one, you have to understand
that your relationship will never look the same. But this
is why I believe. And I'm not a mother yet,
but when or if that is a decision or the
road that I choose to go, that we choose to
go down, then the truth is, I need help. I
need all hands on deck. I need a nanny, I

(18:41):
need a night nurse, I need I need help. And
it's not to say that they're going to raise my children,
but I know women in my family that are like
breaking down because they couldn't even take a bath because
they couldn't leave their children. Right. I know women that
are eating the leftover snacks from their kids' lunch, the
crusts from the sandwiches because they didn't have time to

(19:03):
cook anything for themselves, because all they're doing is taking
care of a child. And I also think for the ladies, ladies,
you have to accept help because sometimes we feel like, no,
it's only me, this is my child, this is mine
and sometimes it's not even your baby anymore. You know,
it's not even your husband's kid anymore. This is my kid.
I bear this child. I give birth to this child.

(19:23):
I need to take care of this child. No one
can take care of this child like me. Okay, I
hear that. But you're losing yourself inside of the child,
and so that has to be okay to have a
conversation around where you don't lose yourself in your children.
Take the help, outsource what you can. Please stop being
taking exhaustion as a badge of honor. There's no badge
of honor for being exhausted, overwhelmed, over stimulated. In fact,

(19:46):
you're just mean and surly at the house. We tired
of you too, you know. So if you've got to
learn to outsource certain things, and even if you are
a person that you have a tighter budget, right, if
you do the math, Let's say you spend twenty dollars
a day. I think that's pretty how much you spend
a dawn food.

Speaker 2 (20:00):
Maybe yeah twenty yeah, meal prepping and stuff.

Speaker 5 (20:05):
If you're like cooking, but like, yeah, like twenty dollars easy,
yeah right, yeah, Well that's six hundred dollars a month, right,
you could take get that, cut it in half, put
three hundred dollars of that in the soft market.

Speaker 1 (20:16):
So you can actually start to invest in something. Take
that other three hundred dollars, chop that in half, get
a housekeeper that can come once a month, and the
other one hundred and fifty dollars go buy some meal prep.
You don't even got to prep the meals. So now
with six hundred dollars, you've just released yourself of so
many things. Now instead of spending an hour at night
cooking in the kitchen, you can freaking sit with your

(20:37):
husband and snuggle by this fireplace. Like you were saying, let.

Speaker 2 (20:41):
Me say this because okay, oh god, oh, I just
want to say one quick word though. I want to
say this and then you go ahead. I want to
say I love the fact that you said I'm gonna
need help, but it doesn't take away from this is
my child. I think a lot of women are afraid, like,
if I'm accepting all this help, I'm not raising my

(21:02):
child right like, And that's not the case. You can
still raise your child and have help. It's still your child.
So I appreciate you saying that because I think that's
the fear of a lot of women. So I just
wanted to say that.

Speaker 3 (21:13):
Go ahead, all right, So now we're talking about guys.
In my position, yeah, you're getting all of that. Yeah,
you're getting a chef, you're getting a house cliner twice
a week. You're getting not maybe one, two, maybe three men.
So why is it that people that provide that In

(21:34):
my position, I think the divorce rate is more like
eighty ninety percent. We're given that. You know that, right, Yeah,
so you said, do all of these things and everything
will be cool. Now do all those things and things
get worse because amongst the one percent is a higher
percentage than the others.

Speaker 1 (21:58):
So I have an answer to that because I'm talking
about what the woman can do for herself and what
most people because the minority people are not in the
one percent. But where a lot of the one percent
miss is the emotional connection, the emotional vulnerability, the compassion
that the fact that this woman doesn't feel like herself,
her body doesn't do the same things that it used
to do, she doesn't even feel sexy anymore in the bedroom.

(22:22):
So it's like, are you helping her on this journey
to her new self? So it's easy to get rid
of those things. But when we're talking about getting out
of the things so that that woman can have more
time and not be as overly stimulated and overwhelmed. Now
we got to get into the conversation of how are
you making me feel as a woman. Are you getting
dismissive because I'm frustrated?

Speaker 3 (22:42):
You know?

Speaker 1 (22:43):
Are you are you now getting what is it when
you're annoyed because I'm tired? Or are you the one
that's like, baby, I ran you a bath?

Speaker 3 (22:51):
You know?

Speaker 1 (22:52):
Are you still touching her on the small of her back?
Are you depositing money in the sexy bank? Which means
if you ain't talk to that girl all day other
than its text message, talking about the kids or talking
about work or talking about whatever, by the time you
come home, you ready to get it. She's at zero,
you're at one hundred. You haven't deposited any money in
the bank.

Speaker 3 (23:10):
You know, I gave I threw you know back, and
you threw back exactly.

Speaker 2 (23:18):
But that's one hundred percent worth. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (23:22):
But see, this is the thing. Men have to learn
that too, because we so you know, we just feel
like the kings and everything should run through us and
and we don't take an account to where it's like damn,
you know, take back and listen and watch to see,
like what your woman going through and like, because I

(23:48):
heard that, I heard everything you said, and I didn't
get that, and that's why probably mind didn't work, because
then it started turning into it's just everything's about you, me, me,
you you you like, and I didn't get it at first,
but like I started to get it, and those were
the things that came up.

Speaker 2 (24:08):
And I think that that ties into what you said
about weak people cheating because if you're if you're really
adamant about understanding what's going on within your relationship, then
maybe you wouldn't have to outsource and go outside of it.

Speaker 3 (24:23):
And then, you know, instead of leaning into what her
needs was, I leaned out.

Speaker 1 (24:28):
That's so honest.

Speaker 3 (24:30):
Yeah, that's beautiful, you know, and that was my mistake,
you know, and I learned from.

Speaker 1 (24:35):
It, that's so honest.

Speaker 4 (24:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (24:37):
No, seriously, instead of leaning I should have leaned into that.

Speaker 2 (24:41):
You know, thank you, because men need to hear them,
you know, and being I.

Speaker 3 (24:46):
Should have leaned into that. But you learn, you know,
you learn from it. And you know, a lot of
times we hear they need to get mad instead of
leaning into like acceptance of like damn, let's let's we
gotta like offen up and listen instead of like, well
this and that I do this, but it's not about you. Yeah,

(25:08):
like and that's what I went through, and that is
the I'm getting. I'm getting some therapy.

Speaker 1 (25:22):
It's so real because people don't understand, like that is
the tragic flaw of masculinity and femininity. And I say
this all the time, like men want men out of
women and women want women out of men. But you
don't have a woman.

Speaker 2 (25:39):
You felt that, so that's so good.

Speaker 1 (25:42):
You've gotta you've got to meet them where they're at,
you know, like like how you said you've got to
soften up. That means you've got to tap into that
other side of you so that you can pull her
out of it. Because this is what men do. Men
run down all the reasons most times. And if she's
like I'm tired, I have these kids my body, and
then it's like, well I got this nanny, and I

(26:02):
got this and I have a chef, and then you
start running down the track because he was ready to
run it down. So when you run down the track record,
what happens is women feminine, feminine women. Let me just say,
femininity lives in the now. Masculinity lives via track. So
instead of me being able to say, baby, I'm tired,
I'm overwhelmed. I got these kids. I don't feel sexy anymore.

(26:26):
You come home. I want to give you what you want,
but you don't. All of these different things, the man says,
But I got you the personal trainer, I got you
the maids, I got you the nannies. I don't know
why you're so tired. And so now what you've actually
done is put that woman into her masculine. Now you've
expected that feminine woman to be a man, but when
she gets into her masculine masculinity and masculinity is confrontational,

(26:48):
and masculine doesn't like masculine. So now y'all are going
head and heads but bucking back and forth because you're
both in the wrong energy.

Speaker 3 (26:58):
I need to see you once a week.

Speaker 2 (27:00):
Yeah me too. This is right. Yeah you're gone. It's
incredible because I love the way you put things though.
You say it so perfectly, and it's like it just
makes so much sense. I love it so question. I've
dealt with this in relationships. I heard you speak on

(27:22):
this before, and I just want to get your viewpoint, Like,
what do you feel about like people closing off, right,
But like Paul talked about this, we did have a
therapist on. He spoke about how like in relationships, if
he's starting to like feel too many things, he'll close
off or he'll ignore the person and just not respond,
you know what I mean. And I've experienced that too,
And I know you spoke about that, and you were saying,
like the silent treatment and ignoring is a form of

(27:43):
just I don't know if you said abuse necessarily, but yeah,
it's emotional abuse. And I do feel that way because
when I was ignored and stuff, like, I cried and
I was really emotional because I don't.

Speaker 1 (27:54):
Like to be ignored.

Speaker 3 (27:55):
Emotional abuse is actual emotion, Like, that's emotional.

Speaker 2 (28:00):
I would like her. I would like the doctor to
weigh in. Please, I would like the doctor to weigh in.
I'm sorry, let her weigh in. Thank you.

Speaker 1 (28:07):
So what I love is that the doctor Wayne it's
called stonewalling. Actually, so I learned this from doctor Gotman
and he talks about how there are four horsemen where
if you see these four things in a relationship, you're
guaranteed to end. And this study has been going on
for longer than thirty five years with couples, and he said,
if you have all four of these things consistently in

(28:28):
your relationship, he can guarantee down to higher than the
ninetieth percentile whether your relationship will end or not. Like
I'm talking ninety seven ninety eight percent right. And the
four things are contentment, stonewalling, criticism and stonewalling, contentment, and
deflection right defensiveness. So contentment is where you put yourself

(28:49):
above your partner. That's when you start saying, oh, you
think you better than that they now, Oh you think
you could just get away with that. That's when you
literally are kind of condescending. You're being condescending to your partner.
Owe Walling is where you shut down. Now. I actually
found because of one of my relationships that I was
in highly effective international speaker. I've been translated in Greek,

(29:11):
I've been translated in Spanish, I've spoken all over the
world on leadership, self and personal and business development and
highly effective Sarah okay me was in a relationship where
that man was so critical and so defensive that I
started stonewalling, shutting down. I have nothing to say. I
can't win. I'm damned if I do.

Speaker 3 (29:28):
Damn.

Speaker 1 (29:29):
If I don't, I don't know what to do. And
the funny part is it doesn't usually show up until
two years into your relationship. And I was in this
relationship for five months. I was on the fast track
to just toxicity. Now I later found out narcissistic personality disorder.
You know that's my therapist said, I'm not diagnosing them.

Speaker 3 (29:47):
Before you go further. Yes, but like if you feel
like there's nothing you can say to this person, yeah,
and you stonewall, And then like, like that goes hand
in hand because I've I told you how I felt.
You don't even get You don't even get how I
felt because you don't have the compassion to resignate what

(30:09):
I'm trying to tell you what I like or don't like, right,
And it's just one way or a high way. So
that leads to stone wall.

Speaker 1 (30:18):
Yes, I agree with you. It's so it's not your
fault if you stonewall. Stonewalling is in a is it
comes because someone else is critical. So that's the third one.
They're constantly picking at you, you do this wrong, you
don't listen, you you you you you, or it's when
they're defensive if I try to tell you, you know, baby,
I was feeling insecure today because you were looking at
that lady a little long, like do you still love me?

(30:39):
Some people that would make you stonewall would be why
you always worried about me? And what I'm looking at
other women for. Don't you know I'm here with you
right now. I don't even know why you pressing me
like this. That's one way to handle it, which will
cause someone to shut down, or if they're like.

Speaker 3 (30:52):
Somebody lying to you, Ah, that's.

Speaker 1 (30:55):
A little bit different.

Speaker 2 (30:57):
Yeah, so like this is my I think there's also
the side of like what if someone is just not
willing to communicate and they're shutting down, and it's like
you're not giving the personal opportunity to be like, hey,
this is how I feel. Let's have a mature conversation
and come to a place where we can understand each other,
Like give people a chance.

Speaker 1 (31:19):
You know, I agree with you, and if you don't,
it's a sign of emotional abuse, which says that your
ego or your feelings are more important than your partner.
And if you are more important than your partner, it's
not a unit. And if there's not a unit, you're
sure to fail. That's why doctor Gotman says, when you
have all four of these things inside of your relationship,
it is a guarantee to fail. Tough, but that's reality toxic.

(31:42):
But you know, but the truth is, at some point
in every relationship you will see one, maybe two. You'll
see them throughout, you know, because we're human at the
end of the day, no one is perfect, but all
four are.

Speaker 2 (31:54):
You're guarantee.

Speaker 1 (31:55):
It's a wrap.

Speaker 3 (31:58):
And now.

Speaker 2 (32:01):
No, I was gonna say, you mentioned a narcissistic partner,
and I'm curious because I've been in a relationship where
I felt this person was narcissistic. My therapist said that too,
and we did couples therapy and the therapist told me,
but I will say, I know that the word is
thrown around gas lit narcissism everywhere. True, And I want

(32:24):
I want to get your opinion on, like, how can
you spot that in your partner? How can you really
know and how do you know the difference between being
love bombed and really feeling like we just have this
connection and we're vibing, Like what is that difference? Because
even me, I struggled with that for a while and
I would love to know your opinion on that.

Speaker 1 (32:45):
Yeah, So when I was in this relationship, first and foremost,
I would say, where were you at when you started
your relationship because a lot of our relationships started off
as a trauma bond and we didn't even realize it.
So if you were in a space where this happened
for me in twenty two twenty three, we thought that
we were going to lose my dad. He had stage
four prostate cancer. He's still here, praise God, but the

(33:06):
doctors are pretty much like, it's not going to Things
aren't going well, you know. And then on top of that,
so mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, energetically, was the hardest
hear of my entire life, like up to date, you know,
at this today years old, this was the hardest hear
of my entire life. And I'm definitely a daddy's girl, right,
I'm a mommy's girl and a daddy's girl. I'm a

(33:26):
family girl period. Yeah, And what I didn't know was
in my past, I'm like, who wouldn't want to love
bomb me? Like I never understood that, Like certain things
when people say like, oh, she's a gold digger, like,
but who was mining for rocks, like I don't understand that.
Or if someone is like, oh, she's a pick me,
but like, who doesn't want to be chosen? I don't
get it. So the way the people say these words,

(33:48):
I was like, I don't get it. So he's love
bombing you. But yeah, but when people love you, they
they buy you gifts. I don't understand that they show
you love the affection. I don't understand. They show up
and they do all these things, and it's it's it's normal,
Like who wouldn't want to love Momby pretty Dope and
going back through therapy, I realize that Number One, if

(34:10):
you are a successful person in anything, I can guarantee
you you have narcissistic traits. Okay, it is important for
you to think that you are important. It is important
for you to buy into the vision of your life.
It is important for you to go all in and
not hear what anybody else has to say. Fact now,
those are just some of the narcissistic traits. But narcissistic

(34:32):
personality disorder is when you live in a delusion, when
what the world that you see nobody else sees. And
that's when you use tactics like gaslighting to enroll someone
else into what you believe, or love bombing to make
someone think that you care so much more about them
than they really do. But someone that has narcissistic personality disorder,

(34:54):
it's all about the conquer, it's about the win. It's
not about you, it's it's how can either way People
think that narcissistic personality disordered people go after like these
week low so forth. Oh no, no no, they go
for the highest self esteemed, self loving, self worth people
on the planet because it's like, how how bad can

(35:16):
I erode this person?

Speaker 3 (35:18):
Is that narcissists or is that just the man trade?

Speaker 1 (35:22):
No, I don't think that's a man trade. You think
men want to erode women?

Speaker 3 (35:26):
Well, we lived, you know, there were vikings. They lived
like conquer and that was like the mentality, that's the mentality.

Speaker 2 (35:35):
Of like a mammal conquering.

Speaker 3 (35:38):
What is that like? Is that like that's how is
that like a narcissist to me? Because men are here,
Men were put on this planet to kind of like rule.

Speaker 1 (35:49):
There were rulers as you should.

Speaker 3 (35:51):
And conquerors like just from day one, yes, so like
if we not going for like the highest of the
highest how does that make you? Like something that's kind
of like that's like narcissists, Like what did narcissists even comfortable?

Speaker 1 (36:08):
So there's a difference between conquering, because men do conquer.

Speaker 3 (36:12):
I'm very just just naturally as men, Like you want
to win in sports, you want to teach your kids
to be the best in school, you want to be like,
that's men what we try to teach in humanity. So
like if we're just trying to like win and say, hey,
damn man, she's bad right there. I want her and

(36:33):
you get her, and then like you like that was cool.
But that's just like it's like all right, the vikers
we just we just we just cleaned up this village.
We we mopped them up. All right, we own that village.
Now we're gonna go to the next village. That's that's
like always been like when you look at like African

(36:59):
like civilization. I read these books on these like great
tribes and great that just conquered villages and it went
on to the next and now so that was always
from day one man's mentality. So now you put it
towards like the day in game, Yeah, like how does
that make a man a narcissist then.

Speaker 1 (37:19):
So what you're speaking of are just masculine traits.

Speaker 3 (37:22):
That's masculine trade. But that doesn't make a man a
narcissis And I feel like that that's thrown around too much,
too easily, though.

Speaker 1 (37:29):
But she's explaining so someone that has narcissistic personality disorder
doesn't just come to conquer. They want to erode. They
want to break down this person. It's not just to
get them and smash them and enjoy them, which, by
the way, is one of the curses of pretty privilege.
A lot of men just want to say they've had you,
but not actually keep you in value you. That's a

(37:50):
whole other story for a different day. But a lot
of men with narcissistic personality disorder it's it's a game.
It's how how much can I take this person who's
so strong? How can I make them weak? How can
I destroy the way that they look at themselves. Now,
this is the craziest part. Most of them don't even
know that they're doing it. Oh, that's why it is

(38:12):
a personality disorder. It's not like, oh, let me see
how bad I can mess up this person's life. You
live in a delusion, and you implement all of the things,
the people, the places, the experiences, the things that are
going to enforce the story that you want to create,
and you don't even see it. It's a whole different matrix.

(38:34):
It's inverted matrix.

Speaker 2 (38:36):
And that will break you down. Like I've been in
that relationship before, and that's like yeah, And I didn't
realize until I went to therapy and I and literally
like I felt so bad about myself. And if I
would be like, babe, you never tell me I look pretty.
I tell you when you look pretty? Oh Like, So
that's never or just like, well shit, maybe that's how

(38:59):
you felt. And why are you with somebody you don't
feel as attractive? Why are you looking if I look
in the mirror, why are you look in the mirror
like that? You like, just the things, it would be
little things that just kept nipping at me like oh wow,
wow wow, And it just felt like, oh my god,
you're breaking me down to feel like I'm nothing like.
And it's funny because even with my ex, I was

(39:20):
with him and I told him, I was like, I
want to start a podcast, and he was like, honestly,
I don't think you should do a podcast, because like
someone might ask you a question and sometimes you're not
that sharp, and I just don't want you to not
know the answer and feel tripped.

Speaker 3 (39:32):
Up about it.

Speaker 2 (39:33):
I just don't think it would be successful, like those don't.

Speaker 3 (39:36):
But that was the truth.

Speaker 2 (39:38):
But it wasn't though. That's the problem.

Speaker 3 (39:40):
I know, you know what, Maybe I should read more
and get smarter.

Speaker 1 (39:44):
No, no, but I can relate to that because that
I dated. Crazy story the truth that's also true. Some
people can't. But some people really just try to break
you down. Like the guy that I dated used to
say to me all the time, like you really think
of yourself like higher than you are. I'm the highest,

(40:05):
do you hear me? I will never look at myself lowly?
This man one time said to me, we went to
a comedy show. You know, I just I don't and
not from a space of arrogance, but I'm God's child,
Like you can't. You can't talk to me crazy. I
know who's I am, not even just who I am.
And we went So we went to a comedy show
one time, and we went to see my friend he's

(40:27):
a really big comedian. And we went to a show
and we were in I'm gonna use a different state,
but it was a state like Wisconsin. We weren't in
Wisconsin with a state like that, right and well way blacker, okay,
so anyway, one of those types of states. And at
the end of the show, a girl comes up to
me and she's like, oh my god, you're one of
the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life,
like you're so pretty. And he turned around and he's like,

(40:47):
what did she say? And now she was walking away.
She said, I said, she's one of the most beautiful
girls I've ever seen, and then she kept walking and
he said, oh, she's probably never been out of Wisconsin.

Speaker 2 (40:56):
Oh yeah, it's that stuff right there.

Speaker 1 (41:00):
He's never pulled a woman like me in his life,
exactly like I chose you because I was down, you know,
and I had to realize that through therapy and nothing
against him, you know, Honestly, I really wish that man
well and I hope that he's happy. And I'm so
grateful from that experience because I learned a lot about
my real strength. I learned a lot about people that
do try to have like a mental control over you,

(41:23):
people that try to erode you. And I realize I'm
kind of incorruptible. That relationship lasted seven maybe six seven months,
it felt like five years. But I learned so much
about myself. I learned that some of the things. That's
the first time I ever know myself to be cheated on.
I had never been cheated on before. And it's crazy
because you know, I learned that when men, when men

(41:44):
come to you, they think that it's done now because
I'm gonna get it off my chest. So I'm gonna
say it like, oh my god, I cheated. Well, Okay,
your journey is ending, but mine is just beginning. Miian
is beginning because now I have to grieve who and
how I thought we were, the perception that we had
of us inside of public, the way that you have

(42:05):
been out here parading me, and now you've disrespected and
humiliated me at this level with the woman that you
swore yoused to talk crazy about this woman, right, And
so for me, he taught me a lot of really
beautiful lessons, and I'm grateful for that because that's God's
way of showing you like no one is above anything.

(42:25):
Even though even though you go through the fire, I
won't be burnt, but I might, I might catch I
might come out smelling like smoke, you know, And so
I had to. I had to. I needed that experience
because sometimes, you know, God gives his toughest battles to
his strongest soldiers, and sometimes I'm yelling at God, like,
surely you got the wrong house. This is not for me,

(42:48):
nor am I this strong. But I'm I needed that
for whatever I needed it for. And now it just
puts into perspective higher levels of gratitude for my man,
my man, my man. If that were to be big,
I love that.

Speaker 3 (43:03):
So so where where are you at in your life
as far as like relationships? Do you want to get married?
Do you want kids? Like? Where are you at? You at?
I feel like you know what you want? I do? Like, yeah,
for sure that have you ever been there?

Speaker 1 (43:25):
I've been engaged twice.

Speaker 3 (43:27):
Okay, gaged twice? Me too, You've been engaged twice okay,
So is that something you're looking forward to or is
that something you want to do.

Speaker 1 (43:38):
If it's right, If it's right, I'm not in a
rush to do it wrong. And I think the reason
why I've been engaged twice before was because I was
in a rush.

Speaker 3 (43:46):
So like you got engaged. And how long was the
first engagement?

Speaker 1 (43:53):
Almost two years or a year? I was a kid though.
My first time I was engaged, I was eighteen me too, Yeah,
second one, I was in my late twenties. That was
a long time ago.

Speaker 3 (44:05):
So that how long was that guy?

Speaker 1 (44:08):
About a year? And I called it off right before
the wedding. I think it was in Yeah, I think
it was. So it was it was I want to say,
probably June. I'm not good with time, but our wedding
was September, like I had my dress.

Speaker 2 (44:21):
Yeah, our venue we like, and I just yeah, can
I ask if you don't want to know?

Speaker 1 (44:27):
I don't, It's okay. So the second time that I
was engaged, first of all, I never should have dated
that man. I never should have dated that man. Not
to say that there's anything wrong with him. I don't
want to just be the person that's bashing people. But
I really and truly when I look at alignment with
what I want in my life. And it was actually
a mentor that that taught me. When you look at

(44:47):
your partner and you put on your wife hat, meaning
like how do you want to feel? How do you
want to be? How do you want to show up
as a wife, write those things down, and then can
I be this way with him? And that's I was like,
oh oh wow, I can't. I can't be this man's
wife at all.

Speaker 3 (45:05):
But why would you do that to him?

Speaker 1 (45:07):
Well he had a comment to be honest, but that man.

Speaker 3 (45:11):
It's narcissist.

Speaker 1 (45:12):
No, let me tell you. Well yeah I did.

Speaker 3 (45:18):
Let me.

Speaker 2 (45:18):
Let me tell you why.

Speaker 1 (45:19):
Let me tell you because because this man, Yes, I
had to learn. This man was in so much competition
with me all the time. Like it was like, so
at the time, I was in the top three point
three percent of a nine point eight billion dollar company. Okay,
I work hard. I've never been a stranger to work
and hard, you know, like never I moved to America.

(45:41):
I'm like, let's figure it out. I might not come
from money, but I come from love. I never came
from money, but I built my success.

Speaker 3 (45:48):
You know.

Speaker 1 (45:49):
And so I was working hard, and he used to
say things, it was really, this was the thing, This
was what would put the it was it was the
last needle on the haystack. This man looked me dead
in my face and said, Sarah, you'll never make it.
The only way you'd make it is if you married
someone who made it. And in that moment, it wasn't
the deceit. It wasn't that he was sneaky, it wasn't

(46:11):
any of those things.

Speaker 2 (46:11):
I was like, Oh.

Speaker 1 (46:12):
It was like we do not have aligned visions whatsoever,
Like you don't even see me for who I have
the potential of being, and even if you did, you're
trying to dim it down. I'm not interested. I'm not interested.
And in that moment, I remember I was leaving and
he was like, if you leave, then we're really because
I had kept taking off my ring. I was like,

(46:33):
I don't want to do this. I don't want to
do this. He's like, if you leave, then then you
really mean it. I mean it. And when I tell
you I left, I went to a movie. I went
to a matinee. Actually, I ate popcorn. I chilled. I
went back and I was like, yeah, by myself, I'm
not doing this anymore. I'm not about to be stressed out,
I'm not about to be picked on, and I'm for
damn sure I'm not going to be with somebody that

(46:55):
doesn't see my value as they're white.

Speaker 3 (46:57):
It went from love to hate that fat not hate
him it was enough, like about to get married, right,
and so like the attitude popped off between y'all two
you know, the argument whatever. Then you did what you did.
But like there was like some uh animosity, No, it

(47:18):
was animosity, like how can you go from about to
get married? Like that's the top of the love. But
is it?

Speaker 1 (47:26):
Or is that the top of indoctrination? And that's the
thing that's the point. But us as women, our whole lives,
we've been taught get married to our family, get married,
start family. And if you're not mindful of what you
actually need for you, anybody can make you a wife,
and anybody can give you children as long as they
got a good seed. But if I'm after joy, peace, alignment,

(47:47):
similar core values, if I'm after the things that matter,
then it matters who I put into that place. And
so I had to learn and it took me until
I was about twenty eight years old. Dude, I've spent
so much money on rich treats and healing and learning
and all of the things coaches and therapists and whatever.
I had to learn that I was I was subscribed

(48:09):
to the story that I'm just supposed to get married
and start a family, and that's why a lot of
people are married, but they will never experience what it
means to be husband and wife. Who those are two
very different things, that god thing, that's a very different
thing than I said I.

Speaker 3 (48:24):
Do to you.

Speaker 1 (48:24):
I got a legal contract. Again, if you die, get half.
That's a business contract. That's fine, and that's important. But
what is the unwavering, unshakableness that I even, even if,
even though, despite what happens, I'll choose you. I got
a question for y'all. Two I got eaten alive. So
I'm gonna ask you, guys a scenario. Okay, I know
what you're gonna ask. Okay, here we go. This is

(48:48):
this is real because this is what I feel like.
It's a difference in relationships. So you're on a boat
in the middle of the ocean with your spouse and
young child. Your spouse and young child get lodged to
the water. They are pasted out, they are not able
to swim. You can only save one. The other one
will die. Who are you saving?

Speaker 3 (49:07):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (49:08):
He already told me about that. You know, it's hard
because I'm not a mother, and I don't know what
it feels like to be a mother. So I'm like,
I don't know, you know, would I be like, these
are my children, you know, like I need my children,
and my children are younger than my husband right now,
if my husband wanted to save me, I would, I know, instinctually,

(49:28):
I would say, save my kids. Let me go, do
not take me over these children. These children are young,
they have a whole life to live. Don't take me.
But it's hard for me because he has children and
he's he's he's been a husband. I don't I don't know.

Speaker 1 (49:42):
I'll be honest, young toddler, like that's crazy, Like how
young is the.

Speaker 3 (49:50):
Let's say the toddler's three, because in like fifteen years,
my toddler gonna be gone, my wife's still gonna be there.

Speaker 2 (49:56):
Yes, yeah, I'm not gonna lie if the toddler is
like what, I don't even know you you know what
I'm saying. I knew this man. I knew this man
for ten years. I barely know this baby. But at
the same time, I don't know. It's hard because I
don't judge either answer. I just don't know what you know,
what I mean, I'm just unsure.

Speaker 1 (50:17):
Yeah, but a lot of people passionately feel like they
don't know their kids. But a lot of people don't
love their spouses. Oh, they are familiar with and they
have settled for and they are fifty to fifty roommates
that they sometimes get to have sex with their spouses.
But I do not powerfully choose this person as my spouse.

Speaker 3 (50:38):
Too.

Speaker 1 (50:39):
I personally believe marriage is very different from husband and wife.

Speaker 2 (50:43):
Ooh, that gives me chills. I feel like what you
said touched on something very real for me, and it's
something I've dealt with and I know a lot of
other women dealt with, especially being in this space where
we're talking about these different relationships and people are like,
why aren't you, Why are you single, Why aren't you married?

Speaker 3 (50:58):
Why?

Speaker 2 (50:59):
It's like, base, you're not shit because you're not married,
you're single, or you don't have this. They devalue you
as a woman. And I've learned that. And I feel
like I was engaged twice and I was in long
relationships my whole life, and I feel like it was
because a lot of those relationships I was unhappy. But
I was taught from my parents who are still married,

(51:20):
you stay because it's better to be with someone than
to be alone. It's better as a woman to be
married with children and have the house and the kids
and the picket fence and whatever else. Even if you're unhappy.

Speaker 3 (51:31):
You need to do that.

Speaker 2 (51:32):
And that's what I was taught, that's what I saw,
and I literally was in relationships way far past the
expiration date because I was like, you know what, this
is what I'm supposed to do. He wants me, so
I would be crazy, like, oh, he's a successful man,
he's handsome, he has money, he has this, You're gonna
leave the him. You know how many people operate from

(51:53):
a space of desperation when they give advice. Yes, they
give you advice from a desperate space because they feel
like there's a lack thereof for what they can't get
or what they can't have. And it's like you're listening
to these people telling you stay, stay, stay, because I
would be so happy if I had a man that
looked like that or had that money or did this.
And it's like, well, I'm unhappy, right, Yeah, I'm not happy.

Speaker 1 (52:13):
And you got to make the money to know it's
not everything. Yeah, to be fair, because a lot of
people be like, oh my god, he had this much mote. Yeah,
well you know how much I walked away from Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 2 (52:23):
Me too.

Speaker 3 (52:24):
All right, you asked the question, what was the question marriage,
marriage or wife.

Speaker 1 (52:31):
Or your child?

Speaker 2 (52:32):
No?

Speaker 3 (52:32):
No, no, no, no, you say, uh, married and a wife?

Speaker 2 (52:39):
Oh yeah, she said marriage and husband and wife are
two different things.

Speaker 3 (52:43):
Only to a woman. Break that down only to a
woman more, because when a man marries you, he's marrying
you to be your husband, to be married. A woman
is marrying you based on what she can to be

(53:05):
married and not a wife or a wife and not
be married. Like it's one of the other for the woman,
but for the man, that's both every time. Because a man,
don't he like he married you because he wanted to
be with you. You married him based on what he
can give to you, what he provides, what he brings

(53:26):
to the table, like like he yeah, he give love,
and like if we have kids, can he take care
of him? Y'all looking at all these other things. A
man married you because he loved you, like he looking
at like she broke, she cool, and all this other thing,

(53:48):
like you ain't looking at the man all he broke?
He cool, but he cool, Like you ain't doing that
or so now he like you know, he broke, but
he cool as we like he. He got a good
personality and you know this is that and his vibe
is cracking. We gonna marry y'all if y'all at yeah,

(54:08):
like you feel me like couch. So a man know
more about being in love than a woman.

Speaker 2 (54:15):
That's what I've heard people say a lot. I've heard men.

Speaker 3 (54:17):
Say like damn, because y'all looking at his situation. We're not.
We just looking at you for who you are. You
might look good and what you give and everything like damn,
But like it's it has nothing to do about what
you provide, but it does.

Speaker 1 (54:36):
It's just not monetary.

Speaker 3 (54:40):
A do can get that from anybody.

Speaker 1 (54:41):
No, that's not true. A dude can get you anybody
clean the house and get anybody to cook, they anybody
have sex. But having the mean and spiritual fortitude to
support you in a way, to fill your gaps before
you even express them, to make you know that you
are the head of household, that you are the king,
that you are every woman. Some of them might do

(55:02):
it because you're giving them some money. But a woman
that does it because she genuinely cares about you, that's
a different kind of woman.

Speaker 2 (55:09):
It's a different woman that cares that they're anticipating your needs,
disappointment for you. I'm doing this, I'm taking you here.

Speaker 3 (55:17):
What benefits do a guy like Paul Pierce get from marriage?
Motherfucker who made all the money in the world, been successful,
being famous, they met every celarty? What benefit do I get? Like?
Why would why should I get married? For? Secure? Like?
What will tell me?

Speaker 1 (55:36):
I guess my first question for you?

Speaker 3 (55:37):
How can I tell somebody trusts I think I could
trust them? How can I tell that somebody that's not
just getting married for what I bring to the table
and all of this? Like what am I looking for?
What do I look for?

Speaker 1 (55:50):
What's the answer to that?

Speaker 3 (55:52):
I don't know?

Speaker 1 (55:53):
Well, then I can't answer you.

Speaker 3 (55:55):
I need to know the answer.

Speaker 1 (55:56):
Yeah, because if marriage doesn't mean anything, do you, then
you shouldn't get married.

Speaker 3 (56:00):
I'm looking for love. How do I know what true love?

Speaker 1 (56:02):
That won't work? Love ain't enough, love is not enough?

Speaker 3 (56:06):
Or I'm looking for a partner, all right, So what
is that? Look like? What is marriage about? All right?
I'm looking for somebody's spiritual who loves God, who like
like I just say, like, like, what is you said
all the six things out of the name, five of
them you said, I'm not looking for that.

Speaker 1 (56:26):
Security, respect, emotional emotional regulation, openness, and honesty. I need
all six. Everything else is figure outable. If you are
sometimes quick to anger, but you still respect me, I
can work with that. If you sometimes get frustrated inside
of my frustration because you don't understand me. I'm just

(56:46):
a girl. You don't understand me being just a girl,
but you still make me feel safe and secure. I
can work with that. If you are the type of
man that you know, maybe sometimes your your money, this business.
You know this CEO that was a to take over
your business. I was about to get a twenty million
dollars deal and then that man dies, So now I
gotta It's like, holy shit, what do I even do?
I don't have this person anymore? Can I cuss? I'm sorry,

(57:07):
I'm not even saw that happen. But anyway, this person
that died, Now I got to figure this out. Now
I got a whole business that I got to pay
for and no ceo to take it over.

Speaker 3 (57:16):
What do I do?

Speaker 1 (57:17):
Baby? But you still treat me with emotional regulation and
openness and honesty, I can work with that, I can
work with all of the things that happen inside of
our lives as long as our my core needs are
met for like from my partner. Now that being said,
there's going to be times where we are human and
you're not perfect. No one is perfect. I'm not perfect.

(57:39):
We're not perfect. So when these six things get hit, safety, security, respect,
openness and honesty, emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, which means maybe
you weren't as regulated that day. Can you can you
at some point come back and take accountability for the
place where you know that you weren't necessarily the man
that we've that we both know you as. And the

(58:00):
same goals for women. When you know what you want,
everything else is figure outable and then you need somebody
with stay in power because people are weak. They be quitting.
They quit you like somebody's picture on Instagram. I quit.

Speaker 2 (58:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (58:12):
I think as American men, no matter what race you
is based on like our influences, what we watch on TV,
what we glorify, I think we really got to go
overseas to find that No them traits that you're talking about,
because they exist, they zeperate all that they.

Speaker 1 (58:34):
They look at all that I'm from a different country.

Speaker 3 (58:37):
So also I think, I think like because I'll be
looking like, damn, you know, it ain't really about who
got money when you go when you go to Europe,
when you go to China, when you go to these
like these countries, they like like when you look at
the statistics, let's look at the statistics, and it's just
not me going off of my experience, this is me

(58:59):
like them. The Americans got the most of highest divorce rates.
Yes you know what I'm saying, like, it's not even
yeah exactly, so like them, Why why wouldn't Americans say, like,
I mean, I should give me an international girl because
they they more they they got, they give their man
and treat them like this and appreciate more. I mean,

(59:23):
So this is what I just feel like, if like,
then I go over here, I need to play my
percentages Like Man Germany they thirty percent okay, Switzerland.

Speaker 2 (59:32):
Well maybe tenvorce rate.

Speaker 3 (59:36):
In Australia Okay, New Zealand.

Speaker 2 (59:39):
Damn I need to go to So let me ask this,
Let me this, Paul. I had two crazy moments that
went viral and everyone was talking about them, and I
want to get your opinion on it before we wrap up.
So the first one ties into what we were just
talking about. Paul says marriage is for old and poor people.

Speaker 3 (01:00:00):
That's it.

Speaker 2 (01:00:01):
He said, it's only for old and poor people because
people either marry because they need money and two incomes
are better than one. Or a woman needs money and
she gets with this man, or for old people meaning
they're old and they don't want to die alone. Oh yeah,
that was his opinion.

Speaker 3 (01:00:16):
I said it.

Speaker 1 (01:00:17):
I believe that that's those are the only reasons.

Speaker 3 (01:00:21):
What do you think, Well, all right, so look when
you get old, you know, it's about like, all right,
I need a partner. I want somebody to take me hospital.
This is true love. We all you know. It ain't
about sex no more. It's just about a partnership. When
we're poor, we can build, we can put it stuff

(01:00:44):
together to live. But that everything in the middle like
the gray Now we're talking about the gray area. That
gray area is shaky. That's that seventy eighty percent divorce rate,
that middle age and all of that where people will
get emotional about one thing and be like I want
to quit. Yeah, you know, everybody quick, quick to quit.
I agree, And so I feel like there's more sustainability

(01:01:08):
amongst those two groups of people.

Speaker 1 (01:01:12):
I mean, there is definitely more sustainability amongst those two
groups of people because poor people can't afford to leave,
and old people the.

Speaker 3 (01:01:18):
Only way out there, they might as well just go
out here.

Speaker 1 (01:01:21):
Yeah, but the middle area, I feel like, what makes
a marriage a marriage is God. What makes husband and
wife husband and wife is God. If you don't have
God inside of your marriage, it's a business deal. I
like you, until I don't. In fact, I think, and
I've heard this before. I had somebody on my podcast,
I'm like, damn, that's a good idea. I think we

(01:01:42):
should have renewals if you want. If you ain't bringing
God into the equation, hell, let's do it just like
the NBA. I'm gonna give you. Let's do a one year. Okay,
you did good this one year. Let's strike out five years.
You did good these five years. Let's do another five years.
Oh that five years, or let's see what ten years work.
And let's say this if we're even gonna because honestly,
I feel like if you have the consequence of hey,

(01:02:04):
just so you know, we're going to give this a shot,
people try more people get into marriage, and they quit,
They give upon themselves, they give up on their partner.
They gain one hundred pounds or fifty pounds or sixty pounds,
whatever that looks like. Then they only start paying attention
to the kids. Then when the kids get up and leave,
I'm in the house with you, and I really don't
even like you. In fact, I don't even know if
I know you anymore. So now I'm in this relationship

(01:02:25):
with a stranger in the house. We don't even cuddle
in the bed anymore. And we've let so much lack
of communication and resentment build between us that there's so
much space between us. You can damn near be in
different states, but you're under the same roof. So it's
really weird. There are so many different things that happen
inside of relationships and new marriages, and I think that
if you are intentional about like checkpoints, one of the

(01:02:47):
things that I believe in. Got this from well I've
heard on my podcast, But my parents are like this too.
I've never seen my parents fight in my life. I've
never seen them argue, not one single time. They are
both almost seventy years old. They are the goats of relationship.
I've learned everything from the two of them. And that
has a downside too, because I never learned to prepare,

(01:03:08):
so I never knew how like I was like, I'm fighting.
Oh my god, we're gonna end. This is not normal
all that. But that's yeah for a different day. Anyway,
Go on dates once a month. Once a month, get
dressed up. You can go in the house, you go
to your favorite restaurant, you could go, you could do
whatever you want to do. You can go to the
pool house, you could do whatever. And on this date,
this is where the gloves are off with love, meaning

(01:03:29):
no one can get mad. But I can say everything
to you where I need to see differences from what's happening.
If you don't, if you're not as affectionate as I
need you to be, if you're in I don't have
to say it in the perfect way. Although ladies, I
would suggest being a little bit sensitive, especially if you
have a masculine man, because masculine men have egos and
then things are fragile, whether they'll say it or not.

(01:03:51):
So that being said, you got you gotta say, you
gotta say all the things. Get it off your chest. Baby.
I'm feeling insecure because you don't slap my booty the
same way or a baby I'm feeling because xyz. And also,
don't shame or wrong your partner. This is not where
you say you're doing this wrong. This is think about
what are they doing wrong? Okay? How does that make

(01:04:11):
me feel?

Speaker 4 (01:04:12):
Oh?

Speaker 1 (01:04:12):
I feel undesired, I feel disrespected, I feel unacknowledged, I
feel overwhelmed. Whatever those things are, you express them to
your partner.

Speaker 2 (01:04:22):
You are not allowed to fight.

Speaker 1 (01:04:24):
Sometimes these conversations are hurtful, Okay, Sometimes these conversations might
want to send you off the deep end to be like, well,
should I even be in this relationship if this is
all the things that they say that I want, Yes,
you should, because there's a thing inside of relationships called disillusionment.
And disillusionment is this thing where when we first start dating,
we have this illusion of the person and they are like,

(01:04:46):
oh my god, I love this person. This is absolutely amazing.
How did I even look out? Ooh God did his
big one for me? Y'all know what I'm talking about. Yeah, okay,
So what starts to happen is as you start to
know this person even more, Now I start to see
your flaws and when I see your flaws. I'm like, oh,
hold up, now I'm not disillusioned anymore, or I'm disillusioned.

(01:05:07):
I don't have the illusion of you anymore. I actually
see you for what it is. And in this moment,
which happens, by the way, in your relationship multiple times
throughout your relationship. You can either lean in like you
said earlier and say, ooh, you know this is not
really something that I like, but why is that? The
truth is, it was probably there the entire time, but
you had on rose colored glasses so you didn't want
to see it. Or you could quit, and most people

(01:05:31):
quit in the place of disillusionment. Most people quit because
there's a new flaw that came up that you didn't
communicate about. Now it built resentment, and now you don't
like your partner anymore. What the truth is, if you
just would have said how you felt on your date
night that needs to happen once a month. If you
would have just got it off your chest on your
date night when you know you're not allowed to fight.
In fact, you should go home and get it in.

(01:05:51):
You should love each other no space. Another thing doctor
Godman says is if you are mad, you don't have to.
You can go to sleep mad, but your toades have
to touch. There has to be some sort of connection
because if there's no connection, there's space for space. If
there's space for space, you don't know what's creeping in?
Is it resentment? Is it hate? Is it anger? Is
it projection? Is it deflection? All of these things start

(01:06:14):
to creep in, So there has to be a point
of connection. I don't gotta like you, but I'm gonna
touch my toe to you. You know, you gonna put
your big toe to my big toe. You're gonna be
on your side of the band. I'm gonna be on
my side of the bed. Because disillusionment is real. These
things are actually happening in relationships. So I think that
marriage is a beautiful thing if you're willing to do

(01:06:36):
the work. But that's the work that nobody wants to
talk about. The work is not let's get sexy and
go out on a date. The work is that emotional
regulation when the dragon wants to come out, and me personally,
I start to feel my neck getting hot when I'm triggered,
and I really in my mind, don't say the first
thing that comes to your mind don't say the second
thing that comes to your mind. Think of a third

(01:06:56):
thing that can come to your mind. Because the first thing,
you're gonna be broke up, or the second thing, you're
going to be in the doghouse sleeping on the couch.
And the third thing, you know what I actually like
the way that you I actually feel disrespected or whatever
that may be. Do you want an example of what
I'm trying to say.

Speaker 4 (01:07:12):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (01:07:13):
What I mean by that is, let's say, let's say,
can I use him as an example? Can use you
as an example. Let's say we're dating, right, we're in
a relationship, and when we go out, you see a
woman and when you see this woman, you you break
your neck to look at her.

Speaker 3 (01:07:28):
Now, right, all of that, okay, now in this moment,
in this moment.

Speaker 1 (01:07:36):
Most women will be like negro if you don't stop
looking at that girl. That's the first thing that comes
to my mind.

Speaker 4 (01:07:41):
Right.

Speaker 1 (01:07:41):
The second thing that comes to my mind is damn,
why do you have to look at her like that?
But if I think about what's the third thing? I
could say? Baby, you know, I understand that you're a
man and it's normal for you to look at women.
But when you break your neck like that, I feel
disrespected and a little insecure. Can you change away? Maybe that?

Speaker 3 (01:07:58):
All right? All right? So so what's breaking your neck?
So like, all right, breaking your name didn't.

Speaker 1 (01:08:10):
Breaking your neck? No, that's that's like aware, are you
just looking next to you? That's breaking your neck? Go home?

Speaker 3 (01:08:21):
So y'all together, you do this?

Speaker 2 (01:08:25):
Oh that's too much. That's too much.

Speaker 3 (01:08:28):
How many seconds you get? What if you do this? No,
you can find the way to one second.

Speaker 1 (01:08:35):
Break your neck? No second?

Speaker 2 (01:08:39):
A twirl? Yeah, twirl? You can't what I can't with.

Speaker 3 (01:08:45):
Y'all thought somebody thought somebody was shooting.

Speaker 2 (01:08:50):
Resolutely twirl. This is the same person who said if
we were all out at dinner or like at a party, right,
and he said, let's say there was no seats available. Yeah,
pretend we were together. I'm his girl. I walk in.
There was no seats available, though, and another girl needed

(01:09:11):
a seat, so she sat on his lap. Oh, he's like,
is that cheating? Is that wrong? What is your opinion?
I don't know that it's cheating. Yeah, you said this
with Carlos Miller on the podcast.

Speaker 3 (01:09:22):
Said, if there's no seats, she sat on your lap?

Speaker 2 (01:09:25):
Is that cheating and oh your girl was not there,
but she ends up walking in and seeing you that, Yeah,
thank you out.

Speaker 1 (01:09:39):
You getting no second. Yeah, there won't be no women
sitting on your lap because this is the thing this
men don't men. I have to tell y'all something. I
gotta say that it off I got it, and not
that I'm going through this, but I feel like there's
a lot of men that just don't know this. Okay,
women are caddy, We are mean, and we are terrible.
And did you know that if if you allow another

(01:10:01):
woman to come sit on your lap, what you're really
gonna do is if you double tap a photo on Instagram,
don't like no sexy photos on Instagram. Okay, what happens
is that girl whose photo you liked, she's screenshotting that
you like their photo, and she's putting it in a
girl's trap where we can all talk about how thirsty
you are. Yeah, I don't know that you are over
here looking thirsty as men, and the women are being

(01:10:23):
disrespected because now it's given the power to the women
to now be able to say, ooh, her man was
over here liking all my stuff. Ooh, didn't you see
how he broke his neck. Oh, I sat on his
lap girl, and there was no chairs available. Now you've
put yourself in a position men to look thirsty and
your girl to be disrespected. So just don't do it.
If you like it, like it in your mind.

Speaker 4 (01:10:44):
No literally scrolling and even Paul like he coming it
on this girl's fisher what time he put he put
high and people were just setting it, sending it around screenshotting.

Speaker 2 (01:10:54):
I'm like, what what was the photo? It was just
a cute girl like she was a vibe.

Speaker 3 (01:10:59):
She always comment high and.

Speaker 2 (01:11:01):
He was just like high with a hard eye or something.

Speaker 3 (01:11:04):
There wasn't no heart, I was.

Speaker 2 (01:11:05):
It was just it was just like saiding it and
I'm like, nah, it was just it was it was high.

Speaker 1 (01:11:14):
What was the photo?

Speaker 2 (01:11:15):
It was like sexy out sex outting out.

Speaker 3 (01:11:21):
She was just cool. She was cool.

Speaker 2 (01:11:23):
I said, he was like she was cool.

Speaker 3 (01:11:25):
I just I don't know if I said hi, it
was just high, she said. I thought was so hot.

Speaker 2 (01:11:34):
That she was crazy.

Speaker 1 (01:11:37):
Well you single, you can yeah, I said, hi, what
is that first?

Speaker 3 (01:11:45):
She said hi?

Speaker 2 (01:11:46):
And I said and she said that to everyone and
said she didn't say.

Speaker 3 (01:11:50):
If I put the hard eyes on the hearts I
just said heart hitting me all the time saying hello.

Speaker 2 (01:11:56):
Put the hard eyes on another picture. That's so out
of contra.

Speaker 3 (01:11:59):
Listen, people hit me all the time DM and say
hi hello, or like I get text from numbers I
don't have locked in and they'll say hi hello, and
I'll just be like hi. I don't give him nothing.
I just like or hello. So if you don't tell
me who is it, because I don't know who I mean?

Speaker 2 (01:12:16):
I mean so you commented on the picture though.

Speaker 3 (01:12:20):
I didn't know that everybody because he don't know how
to use.

Speaker 2 (01:12:23):
The phone for real, So he like, how do I
do this?

Speaker 3 (01:12:26):
How do I do this?

Speaker 2 (01:12:27):
And I'll be teaching her how to do everything, so
he just put So I had to tell him because
I'm like, Paul, everyone is saying.

Speaker 3 (01:12:33):
This like you just put it high like and I
was just saying hi back.

Speaker 2 (01:12:38):
No, he's doing That's how he'd be tripping. So I
have to tell him, like, Paul, you don't.

Speaker 1 (01:12:43):
Have these girls out here to make you look thirsty.

Speaker 3 (01:12:44):
Paul, No, I never looked thirsty.

Speaker 1 (01:12:48):
No, it's even the blue check. It's even better, no.

Speaker 3 (01:12:52):
Girl to say, because I'm the least thirsties. I'm the
least thirstiest. Okay, he said hi. Then I said hello,
what you doing? And he just say nothing.

Speaker 2 (01:13:05):
I will say that Paul is very unresponsive, Like he
responds to me, but like he doesn't really respond to
a lot of people.

Speaker 3 (01:13:12):
I will.

Speaker 1 (01:13:14):
We love that as women.

Speaker 2 (01:13:15):
Yeah, a man who's unresponsive is top tier.

Speaker 1 (01:13:19):
If any woman, if any woman could get into the
inbox of my man and my man is responding, throw away,
throw him away.

Speaker 2 (01:13:26):
You can have them.

Speaker 4 (01:13:28):
He's having.

Speaker 2 (01:13:30):
That's horrible, that's okay. So, and I just want to
say this, she's so you're so absolutely right about saying
women are caddio because women men don't understand the power
you're giving another woman. As soon as you give her
any attention, any flavor, her favorite thing is to be
like that's why her man was on me. I could
have her man if I wanted him. I don't even

(01:13:50):
want this man, but I can have him. She looks
stupid and all her homegirls and everyone. So what you're
doing is you're allowing other women to disrespect your girls.
And that's when I really feel like, oh, you got
me fed up, Like you have me looking crazy and
they're all in the group chat like she looks dumb
because her man wants me. I was out, he bade
for my drink, he opened my seat, he did this,

(01:14:12):
he said, what was up to me? Like, trust me,
that happens all the time. And that's why women we
feel away because we're like, damn you making me look
like my man is accessible to anybody. What I have
should not be accessible to anybody else because me and
you're supposed to be locked in. Just how as a woman,
you wouldn't want me to be accessible to every man
that walks in.

Speaker 3 (01:14:31):
Give them hugs.

Speaker 2 (01:14:33):
You don't want that. A woman feels the same exact way.
And as a woman, it's even worse because they are
gonna run your shit down. Yeah, the month they tell
it everybody.

Speaker 1 (01:14:41):
We don't even hug the same anymore when we got
our man, Yeah for sure, sposed to be like full
blown hug.

Speaker 2 (01:14:46):
Yeah one side, yeah, one arm side, barely as yes
of the game and not even be doing the most
but a man. Yeah, you can't be doing all of
that either, because it does it's too much.

Speaker 3 (01:14:58):
I agree, y'all want off. I will tell y'all this,
go ahead, wrap up, yeah right the way, Uh, your doctor,
you've been a great therapist for me today. No, for real,
you have learned something. I look at things different in

(01:15:19):
a different.

Speaker 2 (01:15:19):
Light really from this conversation.

Speaker 3 (01:15:22):
From this conversation was powerful. But I do know that y'all,
you and her, y'all chameleons, y'all chamellions. Y'all say one thing,
but I know I've seen I've just seen y'all before.

Speaker 1 (01:15:35):
What I mean.

Speaker 2 (01:15:38):
Up like that, Oh, don't do that.

Speaker 3 (01:15:42):
But y'all was dope. No, you're dope therapist for team.
I learned a lot today and I'm putting different things
in perspective because of this conversation. So I appreciate I
love that.

Speaker 2 (01:15:54):
Thank you for that, seriously, thank you, and thank you
for breaking down things. And I feel like something can
feel silly to ask, but I feel like there's a
lot of people, even Paul, like understanding narcissism and this
and that, like we just sometimes don't get what it
really means and we need that, like even gas lighting
or love bombing like it said so much, but what
really is it? So I appreciate you breaking that down

(01:16:16):
for us. It's been really real. Thank you. I really
enjoyed this episode a lot.

Speaker 3 (01:16:22):
Yeah, So like you know, give a shout out podcast
what you got going? Because she's dope. Y'all need to
hear her words of wisdom.

Speaker 1 (01:16:31):
Yes, thank you so much.

Speaker 6 (01:16:33):
Well, you guys can find me at It's Giving Podcasts
or miss seraphont no M S S A R A
H F O N T E N O T or
mis serafont no dot com and then it's It's Giving
or miss serfan.

Speaker 3 (01:16:46):
Just Google.

Speaker 1 (01:16:47):
You'll find us on every form.

Speaker 2 (01:16:49):
Yeah, we'll add it in for you guys. It will
be in the common I mean in the bio of everything,
so you can just accessit.

Speaker 3 (01:16:56):
Subscribe, yes, please podcast. Make sure you likes Crime, Truth
at the Dark, youtobe.

Speaker 2 (01:17:04):
Yeah, all social media platforms, all of it. Same with
doctor Sarah. Thank you again for coming.

Speaker 3 (01:17:10):
We loved this.

Speaker 2 (01:17:12):
Thank you so yeah it was It was a good episode.

Speaker 1 (01:17:16):
I really loved this.

Speaker 2 (01:17:19):
Yeah, we needed this. We had Kevin Gates, then we
had Mandy and guaB and this was like the perfect
Yeah we needed this one. Okay, thanks so good, Thanks
so much.

Speaker 7 (01:17:37):
This is to take over the game, all right, everybody,
welcome to Truth after Dark.

Speaker 2 (01:17:50):
Do you think that men or women are more toxic

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Dr. Sarah Fontenot Gives A Lesson On Relationships, Marriage, & Self-Worth | Truth After Dark

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Dr. Sarah Fontenot Gives A Lesson On Relationships, Marriage, & Self-Worth | Truth After Dark