#51 The Exchange Principle

The Exchange Principle is something I use to navigate a lot of my decisions when it comes time to help someone. I want to make sure I am helping, and that means I can't put more energy into something that the other person is willing to. When people ask for favors, help, or anything that involves putting my energy or money into the equation, I run through this thought process first. 

Episode Transcript

Jen (00:00):
Welcome back to the unbreakable boundaries podcast
with your host, myself, JenniferManeely. In today's episode, I'm
wanting to go through a veryhelpful, helpful principle that
I use, when I'm navigating myown relationships, people have
substance abuse, or even peoplein recovery. I use this a lot
like when I mentor people, evenin recovery, I use this to

(00:23):
navigate my own energy to makesure I'm taking care of myself,
to put the boundaries up aroundhow much help Am I willing to
give, especially, you know, Iwant to make sure that I'm
helping people that are willingto help themselves. And that's
not always very clear, it's veryclear to say it like that, it's

(00:46):
not always very clear whenyou're in the situation. And you
don't know. So a lot of times,and this is just one example of
many. And this is where I callthe principle, the Exchange
Principle is because there's gotto be some sort of an exchange,
in any situation, going in wherethere is an exchange of energy

(01:07):
and exchange of financial meansany sort of thing, there has to
be some sort of an exchange. Sothis is one of the most common
examples, especially my world issomeone calls me up and gives me
a sob story, which may or maynot be true, we don't know yet.
But they give me a story abouthow they're starving, and they

(01:27):
need money or whatever, maybe aplace to sleep or, you know, in
anything helps five, $10,whatever. And seems like, oh,
well, I don't want people tostarve or sleep or like, have to
sleep outside or whatever. So ofcourse, I want to give it to
people who are, who really needsomething like that, I'm more

(01:50):
than happy to do that, if I can,financially, knowing that I'm
probably never gonna see thatthat's the first thing that we
have to take into consideration.
More than likely, I'm nevergonna see this money again. So
it would be giving them money,they could say how much they're
going to pay you back and all ofthat stuff. But come on, like we
know, we know, we're never goingto see this money again. It's

(02:12):
not always very helpful just togive someone money, when they
even know themselves, they'renever going to be able to pay it
back. It actually strips alittle bit of their confidence
away from them, even thoughthey're like they're saying they
need it. But it kind of stripstheir confidence. So this is the
first this is the first thing tounderstand is, in order to help

(02:32):
people, we can't put them in adebt that they can't pay back in
some way. Because that doesn'tactually help anyone. So one of
the things and I tell otherpeople to do this is it's like,
Well, is there something isthere some way or something that
they can earn the money, if theyreally need it, they're going to

(02:56):
be more than willing to earn themoney, right? So maybe it's
something like, especially if Idon't want them necessarily over
at my house. One of the thingsI'll do is be like, Hey, I mean,
I'm more than happy to come andmeet you at a carwash and let
you clean my car. You know, I'lleven pay like I'll pay for like
it can be a coin carwash, or, orwhatever because they can sit

(03:20):
there and vacuum, I'll pay forthe the the cost of the carwash,
right, they'll have to do allthe work inside and out,
depending on how much time ormoney they want. Maybe it's just
the outside, maybe it's just theinside, or maybe it's both. So
if it's like 4050 bucks, it'sprobably both because they're
gonna need to spend a couplehours doing this, right, because

(03:41):
then they really feel likethey've earned the money. And if
they need it, they'll be morethan happy to pay for it. If
it's something that they need,like, right then and there. Ah,
there's a good chance that moneyis going into places that we
don't want it to go to be honestwith you. You know, anybody can
put together a few pennies to goget something to eat at a

(04:06):
grocery store. But if they'reasking and demanding 40 or 50
bucks from you right then andthere, that's a red flag. So by
saying that you will be doingthis, or hey, you're more than
happy. I'm more than happy tolet you go like clean up my car.
It's kind of like a debt freeexchange, right? They're

(04:27):
actually you're actually payingfor their services and their
earning it. So they don't oweyou anything later. They don't
have to feel bad like this, justsay. Now, first, I want to say
this. Rarely, if they are justlooking for drug money, they are
not going to take this offermore than likely I can't always

(04:51):
make that promise. More thanlikely they are not going to
take this offer. So that's onething to consider.
The other thing to consider is,is that they do that it's their
money, they have earned it, youare paying for their services,

(05:11):
and they can do whatever theywant with their money. And
that's how I have to live withthat. So if they are, if they
clean my car, or they dowhatever it is, I mean, if
you're, if you're okay with himbeing over at your house, and
you want them to mow the lawn,if you want them to clean the
kitchen, if you want them, youknow, to clean up the garage, or

(05:32):
whatever it is, at that point,you have no say so over what
money that they use it for, butat least they've earned it, you
know, and that's the thing.
Generally speaking, though, ifthey're just looking for drug
money, this is not how they goabout it. But what we'll do is
teach them very quickly thatthey cannot come to you, without

(05:54):
them having to put work in. Sohere's the great thing. They
won't ask for money anymore fromyou, if you uphold this, even
just once or twice, this willtake away all have the burden of
them constantly coming to youand nagging you and telling you

(06:14):
it, it also takes away theconflict. Because they're not
signing, it's like, Hey, I'msaying to you, I am happy to
give you the money, if you dothis, you can't get mad at me if
you're not willing to do that.
So they actually generally won'tget mad at you if they turn it
down. But they have to acceptthe fact that they are turning

(06:39):
it down. That's the other greatthing about this. So it kind of
sets up the conditions underwhich you are willing to help.
And a lot of the fights in thebattles in the horrible pieces
of, you know, think thathorrible things they will say to
you, when when you just say noor whatever, it just kind of

(07:00):
goes away all of that just allof that just goes away because
they know they can't ask you forthose kinds of things. So it's
great. This is a great way tolook at life. So the second step
further into another reallycommon example of how this can
work and how you can helpyourself and navigate the

(07:21):
conversations. Without makingyou put so much energy into
someone who's not willing to putenergy into themselves. So
someone calls you up says, I amready to go to rehab, will you
help me? Yes, yes, I will.
However, what is that help looklike? Right? Maybe you can

(07:43):
afford rehab, maybe you can't,maybe the insurance companies
like depending on the situation,but this is how we think about
it. To start with. And I mean,there's 1001 different
possibilities, I can't gothrough them all. But here's how
you can manage yourself throughthis situation. Without feeling

(08:05):
like you put in so much energyand effort into finding a place
for them. And then just beingreally ungrateful or not showing
up or going in with a really badmindset. So let if you're
willing to do this, and I'm notsaying that you have to do this,

(08:26):
I'm just saying if you arewilling to put the energy into
finding a rehab, so getting, youknow, numbers and stuff, great.
I would go with choosing three.
Now this probably should alreadybe done before they ever come to
you. So always just have threerehabs or three, detoxes or

(08:49):
whatever, ready for them tostart making phone calls to but
here's that that's just it. Yougive them the choices. And then
they can make all of the phonecalls to help them get
themselves into these places.
That way there they are making achoice. So what you've done is

(09:11):
you're setting up the conditionunder which they are you are
narrowing that down, so it's notso overwhelming for them. And I
like the number three because itmakes people feel like they have
a choice. And yet it's very it'scontained. So when they get to

(09:33):
choices, they're not sooverwhelmed with how many
choices are really out therebecause if man you can't hardly
throw a rock anymore withouthaving choices of rehabs and
detoxes and who knows and allthis stuff. So that's what I
would invite. By the way, Ido have a podcast about how I

(09:55):
think about rehabs and how I gothrough vetting and, and
choosing rehabs you can go acouple of back, I don't actually
remember exactly which one, um,it's like number 49, or
something like that. So I'dinvite you to go back and listen
to that one, if you're in intothat phase of things where

(10:17):
you're having to navigate thatworld and choose a rehab. But
anyway, so, you know, narrowthese things down to two, three,
and then let them do it. Andthat goes for anything, right.
So let's say if one of theconditions that you have is,
they have to go see a therapiston a regular basis, allow them

(10:39):
to do the choosing of their owntherapist, you can narrow it
down again to three, but allowthem to do all the heavy
lifting. If they don't want todo even that minimal of work,
then they're not really ready.

(11:00):
There's some other motivationbehind why they're asking for
help. And maybe it's a lot oftimes, it's just a con, you
know, more money. Yes, yes, I'llgo to rehab. Now, in order for
me to get into rehab, I need toborrow like 100 bucks to clean,
you know, a couple things up orwhatever, right. So if they're

(11:23):
not going to start doing all thecalling and stuff, then there's,
there's some, there's somethingelse going on, there just is I
had to do the calling to getinto my rehab. Initially, my mom
started doing the calling, andsomeone politely or not so
politely from the rehab waslike, um, she's gonna have to

(11:46):
make these phone calls. Andthank God that they did that.
But But I think that, that'salways just a really good place
for you to start is they need toput the energy into this stuff.
This is going to help them withtheir mindset of going in,

(12:07):
because they got to choose wherethey're going. So they're going
to go into it with a differentmindset, and they're not going
to be able to blame you if theydon't like it, or if it's weird,
you know, because there's allsorts of excuses that people
will come up with about why therehabs not any good. And it
usually all continues to, youknow, blame you. So everything

(12:28):
should be around, involvingtheir choices in this stuff. So
they can't come back and blameand they just have a different
mindset going in a differentperspective going in to the to
these things. And so, like Isaid, there's so many different

(12:49):
ways, the exchange principle canhelp. But there's, I mean, it's
just too much to really gothrough all of the different
scenarios on how this, this canhelp. But this can solve a lot
of your conflict. It can solve alot of your exhaustion of your

(13:09):
resentments. This can solve alot of things, and it will also
help you navigate your decisionson how to best help them. Are
they ready? Are they not? Here'sthe thing is if you are a person
that's looking at investing intothem, say it's a rehab or sober

(13:34):
living or whatever it is, youwant to make sure that they're
ready. And we can't always knowthat and maybe they're ready and
something happens along the waythat gets them unready. But we
want to at least set them up forthe best possible outcome we
can. And this is how you candetermine how ready they really

(13:57):
are. If they're really ready,and I can tell you from
experience, that they're reallyready, they're going to be
willing to jump through somehoops to get there they are, if
they're desperate enough,they're going to do whatever you
tell him to do. Pretty much andthey're gonna be happy about it.

(14:18):
I mean, as happy as one can bewhen they're thinking about
going into rehab or an earlyrecovery, but they're going to
be happy, they're going to begrateful, a whole lot more happy
and grateful than if they gokicking and screaming. That's
just it that just doesn't serveanyone. And it doesn't serve you
to you know, kind of push theminto something before they're

(14:40):
ready. But sometimes, you know,people they get really desperate
and they'll be like, Yeah,whatever. Whatever you tell me
to do. I'll do as long as I canhave like a place to sleep it at
at night doesn't necessarilymean that they're ready.
So I would really invite youinto into considering and
thinking about how to use andimplement this principle into

(15:06):
your life, because I think it'sgonna save you a lot of time and
energy. And if you need help,like, say you have a particular
situation, you're like, I'm notexactly very clear about how
this how this principle appliesto this situation. Let's go
through it together, you canreach out to me, you can email

(15:28):
me at Jennifer at Maneelyconsulting.com. That's my email,
or you can go check out mywebsite, Maneely. consulting.com
is another place that you canget in touch with me from, and I
would just invite you to do thatif if you're like, I really like
the idea. I'm just kind ofunclear about how this may work.

(15:52):
This principle will solve a lotof problems, but it won't solve
them all. So we can even gothrough is this the principle?
Or is there something else thatwe can get like some other tool
or some other principle that wecan apply to the situation, so
you can have a clearunderstanding of, of where to go
next and how to think about thesituation in terms of, of

(16:14):
helping because one of thethings that we don't want to
continue to do isunintentionally, stripping away
opportunities for themselves toget themselves out of trouble,
to gain the confidence that theyneed to know that they can live
their own lives. Without thehelp, really, because sometimes

(16:34):
it's like, the best help you cangive them is supporting them and
realizing that they are capableof helping themselves because
here's one thing I know aboutyour loved one. They are really,
really smart, capable people.
And maybe they forgotten that.
And maybe you have evenforgotten that at some points
because man do they make somedumb decisions. But they are
smart, and they are capable. Andthey have to remember that and

(16:58):
sometimes so to you. So this isthe friendly reminder that, you
know, they're a lot moreresilient than you think. And
they're a lot more capable ofliving their own life. And they
need to see that. So that wassomething that was really
helpful for me is learning howto live my life and not having

(17:19):
that kind of support where momcame in and made all my problems
go away. Because what thattaught me was is that I couldn't
live my life without her. That'swhat I believed. I believed that
I couldn't do it on my own. Andthat wasn't anywhere. And I
needed to believe that I coulddo it on my own. And when I

(17:41):
started believing that my lifechanged. So anyway, I hope this
was helpful. And one thing Ilike to remember is and remind
people is that tough love is notabout being tough on them. It is
about sometimes making decisionsthat are tough to do. And always
remember that even when thingsseem the most hopeless, there is

(18:01):
still always hope and I hopethat you remember that. So
anyway, I hope you have a greatday and I hope to be hearing
from you soon.