#54 What does "Letting Go" really mean?

You hear it all the time with people who have loved ones with substance abuse issues. The "Letting go". But what does that really mean. Sometimes we have a misconception on what "Letting Go" really means. It's more about letting go of our ideas of what should be or shouldn't be. This is what this podcast explores. 

Episode Transcript

Jen (00:00):
Welcome back to the unbreakable boundaries podcast
with your host, myself, JenniferManeely. In today's episode, I
really wanted to talk aboutsomething that is really
important and something we heara lot of other people telling us
we have to do, when we do haveloved ones, with substance abuse

(00:26):
issues. And it's this idea ofletting go, it's like, oh, we,
we have to let them go. We haveto, you know, do this and that,
and, and I think that it issomething that we have to learn
how to do, but what does itreally mean? And I think that

(00:46):
there is a perception in it.
That isn't exactly helpful. Soif you're, if you have a loved
one, if you're a parent, orwhatever, I know, you've been
told, like how you gotta letthem go. And for us, or for you,
you may interpret that asmeaning you have to turn your

(01:07):
back on them, or you have to letthem quote unquote, die. And
that's, that's when you hearthat that's what you hear is,
what do you mean, I have to letthem go, there's no way in hell,
I am doing that. And under thoseperceptions, you would be

(01:28):
correct, there's no way you'redoing that, you can't do that.
And so I think that, when wereally start understanding what
does that truly mean, we canstart getting our heads wrapped
around it. Now that doesn't meanthat it's going to be easy, it

(01:49):
just means that we can at leastunderstand it in such a way that
we may be able to do it. So whatdoes this idea of letting go
really mean? It means you mayhave to start looking at letting
go of your ideas of them. So alot of times what ends up

(02:10):
happening is we create a lot ofthis, this picture that we want
for our loved one that justisn't accurate. So we may, you
know, tell them all, well, theyshould be doing this, that I
should be acting like this, andthey should be acting like that.

(02:31):
And it's not that you'reincorrect in that, it's that
sometimes we have to let go ofthe idea that they are going to
do those things. Because theymay not, they may not do those
things, they may not ever be theperson that you thought that

(02:52):
they would be, they may never bethe person that has the job that
you felt like they would be justgreat at they they may not be
the person that's going to stopusing substances. And so here's
what we can do is look at whatis right in front of us, well,

(03:14):
how are they behaving in thehere, and the now that's the
important part, that's where wecan start really taking a look
at some of our actions, andmaking sure that our actions are
actually in alignment with whatis and not with what our idea of

(03:34):
what we think it should be. Sojust to kind
of give you an overview of, ofan example of how this can look
is this like, you know, one ofthe most common things that I
see is maybe they're living withyou, maybe they're not maybe
you're so far, you're like isthey're never gonna live with me

(03:56):
again, or they're just, that'sjust not what we do. But this is
just an example. So, but let'sjust say that they are living
with you. And when they'reliving with us, we have all of
these ideas of how they shouldbehave. And here's the here's
the boundaries, though. Ifthey're living with you, you

(04:19):
have every right to set theboundary. You can tell them how
they need to be behaving in yourhouse. So if one of the rules of
the house is that they're notallowed to use drugs in your
house, which is perfectlyreasonable, then they're not

(04:40):
allowed to use drugs in yourhouse. That's just it. Now, you
can set that boundary or maybeit's not even in your house.
Maybe you want to set theboundary that as long as you are
living with me. You can't usedrugs period, and that's
perfectly acceptable as well.
Here's the thing, we can'tcontrol the outcome of that we

(05:02):
can set the boundary. But wecan't control if they're going
to adhere to that boundary ornot. And so they may use drugs.
In which case, here's theboundary is, oh, well, you knew
what the conditions were.

(05:26):
So here's the thing, we have tobegin to make our decisions
based in the here and now. Now,not what could be, not what
might be not what's happened inthe past, but in the now. And in

(05:47):
the now, there's a boundary thatsays that if you want to live in
this house, you cannot usedrugs. So now we have to adhere
to that boundary and let go ofthe ideas of what could
potentially happen if they leavethat house. And that is scary.

(06:09):
It is so scary. But here's whatis really important here. We
have to allow them their lifechoices. We have to allow them
and honor their decisions on howthey want to live their life.

(06:32):
And they have to takeresponsibility for the decisions
they are making in the here. Andin the now. Not what happened to
them20 years ago, not what happened
to them, even last week, notwhat they think that you did to

(06:53):
them 20 years ago, and that yousomehow owed them a destructive
path. It's not that we have tolet go of the ideas of what they
should be doing, what could behappening, what might happen, if

(07:17):
they leave out of this house, wehave to operate under the here
and now and what do we think isgoing to best serve them. And I
can tell you from experience,that what best serves me is full
ownership of my life of livingthe life that I want to live.

(07:38):
This is really important becauseI have a lot of my friends, they
they started following my mylife model, right? I just do
whatever I want to do. Andhere's the thing, immediately
people go, What do you mean, youjust do whatever you want to do,

(07:59):
like, so if I want to go rob abank, then I can go rob a bank.
Yeah, if you want to go to jail,what I don't want to do is spend
my life in jail. So I'm notgoing to go rob a bank. I don't

(08:20):
want to hurt people. I don'twant to be someone that other
people can't depend on. That'snot what I want. I don't want to
also constantly feel obligatedto do things that I don't want

(08:41):
to do. So I don't, I don't dothings out of obligation, I do
things because I want to dothem. Because I'm very clear for
myself of how I want my life tobe because at some point in my
recovery, I had to takeownership over my life and my

(09:06):
decisions. And I will tell you,both in and out of recovery,
recovery, I have not made alwaysvery sound decisions. And that
has taught me the life that Iwant, because of the
consequences. That has happenedbased on the decisions that I

(09:29):
have made. And it's like, oh,well, I thought that I wanted
those things. But what I didn'tforesee was the consequences of
those actions. And I don't wantthat. So I live my life with
what I want in the here in thenow. And I had to let go of a

(09:49):
lot of ideas of what I thoughtthat I wanted. I also had to let
go of the future focus and thepast Focus, it's important for
your loved one, to start seeinghow their life choices are what

(10:13):
is creating the life that maybethey don't want to live. And
it's really easy for them to gointo this shame, blame, blaming
you blaming the universe,blaming whatever. But you know
what? It's their decisions thatare leading that. And it's easy

(10:33):
on our end, for us to say thatto them, and to see it and
whatever, they can't seeit. But they need to feel it.
And so this is where letting goof your ideas of how they should
be behaving, or what's gonnahappen to them, or anything

(10:57):
that's not in your control, it'sletting go of that idea. And
just working within the here,and now, you did not make them
wake up that morning, or thismorning or tomorrow morning, and
start seeking out drugs oralcohol, you didn't make them do

(11:20):
that. You didn't make them godown and Rob Joe Schmo who's now
after them, because they justrobbed or you didn't make them
behave that way. They made thosechoices. And it's important for
them to begin to see how theyare setting their own lives up.

(11:44):
So that's what the part ofletting go really means is to
let go ofthat, thinking that you can
control outcomes, it doesn'tmean that we're not there. We
want to be there for them. Andit's like, where are those
boundaries, right. And so Istart thinking about, you know,

(12:04):
some of the family members whomay have found their loved ones
into, like, they got them intorehab five times, and every time
it comes out same. Well, maybenow it's up to their loved one
to get themselves into rehab,you've already done what you can

(12:24):
do. And now it's like, you knowwhat, maybe I have to let go,
and allow them to figure thisout. Doesn't mean that we can't
be their cheerleaders withboundaries, but their
cheerleaders to support them andremind them of who they really
are. Right now, what theybelieve, is that their horrible

(12:48):
piece of shit, they don'tdeserve any better. You somehow
destroyed their lives, whateverother bullshit that they come up
with. But it can be helpfulsometimes for people to be
reminded of who they really are.
Those are the things thatprevent them from being who they

(13:13):
really are. But we know who theyreally are. Very smart, very
capable, we have a lot of hope.
And here's the thing is, is Iwant to say this is that we
don't let go of the positivethings in our life, we don't let
go of hope. We don't let go ofcourage. We don't let go of, you
know, happiness or joy or any ofthose things. No, we hold on to

(13:38):
those things very deeply.
Especially when it comes tohope, because a lot of people
start letting go of hope. And Iwant to say this, and this is
something from being inrecovery. I can I can say is
that. As long as someone stillhas a heartbeat. There is still

(14:02):
hope, period in the story. Wedon't give that up. Ever. I've
watched people go where I'm likehair, so going to die. They go
all the way down. Maybe they'vealmost died several times. And
they come back and they're thebest people ever. Like they've

(14:22):
really worked on themselves.
They've done a lot in theirlives. I mean, just about anyone
that has long term recovery,when you really hear their story
of the using it was the bottomof the bottom of the bottom. And
somehow we come out with comeout stronger than ever. And at
some point we thought we weregoing to die. And we didn't.

(14:51):
So as long as there's aheartbeat, there's always hope,
no matter how far gone they seemto be. They can make a different
decision. At any time, andthere's plenty of times where
they have little blurps, ofclarity.

(15:11):
That's like, what am I doing,and then they want to do
something different. And ithappens just like that. I mean,
sometimes it happens reallyfast. Because I can tell you,
they don't want to live the lifethat they're living either. They
just need the courage and toknow that they're being

(15:34):
supported, and not supported insuch a way that we're enabling
poor decisions. And there'swhere enabling comes from. And
this is what we have to let go.
is enabling poor decision. So ifwhat you're doing is
unintentionally enabling a poordecision, then it's time to look
at that and let that go? Let gopoor decision making, right. So

(15:57):
that's, that's the importantthing. And it's sometimes that
can be a really tricky one. Imean, I mean, we say, Oh, you
don't have to enable them. Butit's like, but we do want to
support them. And so where arethose lines, and there's all
sorts of complex dynamics thatgo into discovering exactly

(16:20):
where those lines are. And whatit is for one person may be very
different than the other person.
So what someone did for theirchild to get to help them and
support them, and then they gotinto recovery may not be the
same thing that you have to do.
We don't know what that's goingto be until we're there. But

(16:44):
here's one blanket thing I cansay is that support from
families can very much behelpful into someone having
enough faith and courage inthemselves to be in recovery,
just knowing that they that youare there for them, but not
necessarily enabling them,right. Like even in my early

(17:06):
recovery, thank God that my momgot the help, that she also
needed to figure out how to dealwith me. But for a bigger part
of my life, she financially sheenabled me in a lot of ways,
because she really, really didtruly want what was best for me.
So she wanted, you know, for toput me in college, but she

(17:30):
definitely wanted me to stay outof debt. So anytime I started
racking up debt, or thought, youknow, if a bill was gonna go
unpaid, she wanted me to have agood credit score. So she would,
she would help pay my my way inthose things. And she would take
care of bills, or she would, youknow, keep me out of debt. And

(17:54):
she would do all of thosethings. But what it it
unintentionally created was somefinancial illiteracy. For me.
What it created was poorspending habits. For me, what it
created was poor budgetinghabits for me. And when she
stopped doing those things, andshe was like, Look, you're gonna

(18:16):
have to figure out how to budgetyour money, and start paying
your bills, doing it anymore.
And I know that because I cameto her even in, you know, early
recovery, man, I like over ayear clean. But I still think
that was a little bit of like,early recovery thing. And I was

(18:40):
really struggling like I, I hadjust left my ex husband. And I
was living in a in a room andthings were really, really
stressful. And financially, theywere tight. But it wasn't
impossible. They were justtight. And I wanted to spend my
money on things that I wanted tospend my money on over bills.

(19:03):
And so you know, my mom, mom'svery smart financially. And so
she knew about how much I wasmaking, and she knew how much my
bills were. And so when I cameto her and I was like, really
struggling paying this bill, itwould have been easier. And I
would have had more cushion tospend my money on things that I

(19:27):
would much rather have spentlike dinners out or maybe a new
pair of jeans or whatever itwas, she knew that I should have
been able to afford. Foreverything to be paid based on
what I was making. How muchactual cash I was bringing in
each month. She's like, No, I'msorry, you're gonna have to

(19:50):
figure that out. From that one,no, though. All of a sudden, I
was like, Oh, I am responsiblefor my financial decisions. It
doesn't mean since then Ihaven't sometimes have needed,
you know, some support or somehelp, and have had to ask to get
it.

(20:12):
And we come up with a set ofterms, we come up with
agreements, but we built thetrust to know that, you know,
things are gonna work out, orI'm going to work it off, or
it's not just, it's not justhere have this, it's a, let's
work on how this can be a fairexchange. And so it was also the

(20:37):
idea of just letting go of, ofthe idea that she may have a
daughter. And this was reallyhard for her because she, it was
a banker, and an accountant andall of these things. She has
like the best credit score ever,right? She had to let go of the

(20:57):
idea that her daughter was goingto follow in her footsteps. And
that was a really hard idea forher to let go that took her
years to really work on herselfenough to mourn my, my path. And
now I mean, she looks at my mypath, which was very, very

(21:18):
different than hers. But nobetter or worse, it's just
different. It was different thanhers. And it was different than
her idea for me. And she had tolet that go. And within that
came, you know, some challengesand she had to work through but
it's she had to get help to kindof work through those things.

(21:40):
Because that's a grieving,there's a grieving in that. So
it's not just so it's, it'ssimple, but it's not easy just
to go, Okay, I'm gonna let go,no, no, it takes some work. And
it takes some work on what itmeans to do that. And what does
it look like? And so when youstart really thinking about the

(22:02):
things of like, well, how do Ilet go, one of the really good
places to start is gainingclarity on what is the reality,
and what are your ideas. Andthat's going to be a great place
for you to start is, oh, I'mhaving to let go have my idea,

(22:26):
versus what really is and thatwhatever my idea was, that may
not ever happen. But it doesn'tmean that things great things
can't happen. It just means thatwe're gonna have to allow the
universe we're gonna have toallow, you know, their higher
power, we're gonna have to allowwhatever it is that you believe

(22:50):
in. We're gonna have to allowtheir journey. And it's their
journey. And our journey is tonot get in their way and to let
go of those ideas. So thinkabout that, when you're thinking
about, well, how do I let go,quote, unquote, let go of my

(23:14):
loved one, I can't do that.
You're not letting go of yourloved one, you're not turning
your back on them, you're notrejecting them, you're letting
go of ideas of what they shouldand shouldn't do. Because this
is just what is, and this isjust what is happening, we're
going to have to let go of someof that shame of what is

(23:34):
happening. These are deepthings, these are deep topics.
And so I don't feel like it'salways like I don't, I feel like
we need each other. This is whycommunities get built, is
because we don't go about thesethings by ourselves. We can't,
we need support from each other,we need to hear when we're going

(24:00):
into those places. Because wedon't always get to see it for
ourselves. I certainly don't getto see it for myself, I need
people to you know, kind of helpwhen I'm going down a particular
road to say hey, just want tosay hey, you're kind of going
down that particular road. Andbecause this is complicated and

(24:20):
because it's not always veryclear. If we had the answers
than we would have the answersright then I'm not saying like
quote unquote, the answers butif we knew how to do this, we
wouldn't be doing it and here'sthe thing is, is we don't we
don't get through life byourselves. We need each other's
wisdomto be the best versions of

(24:41):
ourselves that we can be and soI want to remind you know my
audience out there have of goingit's okay to to seek wisdom out
from from someone else, youknow, it can be me I certainly
feel like I have Have a lot ofwisdom. It doesn't have to be
me. But it can be me. And so ifif you're listening to this and

(25:03):
you're like, Man, this was, thiswas good at kind of like to
think more about these ideas,maybe you can help me flush some
of this out, maybe you can helpme gain some clarity in maybe
the ideas that I do have,because it's like I haven't, I
have some ideas of the ideasthat I've created. But I've

(25:24):
made, I feel like I'm missingsome things. And maybe you can
help flush that out for me, Ican do that. And so I really
encourage you to reach out tome. And you can do that by a
couple of different ways. Youcan always go to my podcast
page, unbreakable boundaries,podcast.com, there's places you

(25:45):
can sign up, man. But really,like, you can also reach out to
me individually, Jennifer atManeely Consulting calm is my
email, you can actually justemail me, and I'll get back to
you. Like, let's set somethingup and actually talk through
some of these things. Because Ithink this is important, this is

(26:07):
important stuff, you should havesome more to go and some more to
land to talk through this stuff.
Now, also know that, you know,one phone call isn't, isn't
going to, you know, skyrocketyour life into a different
decision. But it's a great placeto start to know where to go

(26:29):
next, and what you can do, andwhat are the resources out
there, I am a resource, or otherpeople that are resources, you
know, maybe I'm a fit, maybe I'mnot. But let's talk about what I
have to offer to you in order toachieve what you want. And maybe
it is like I need to figure outhow to let go. And, you know,

(26:51):
conceptually, we may no go oh,okay, I totally get it
conceptually, you may understandthe actions behind it are a
little bit more challenging. Andthere becomes the work and the
work, we don't get to do alone,whether we like it or not. So,
you know, that may be somethingyou're ready for. And maybe it's

(27:13):
not something you're ready for.
Either way is okay. But I amhere for whichever path you want
to take. So email me, JenniferManeely Consulting, there's also
my website, my regular website,Maneely Consulting comm I do
encourage you to go check outman, I just redid my podcasting
website, I think it's prettycool. So I definitely encourage

(27:35):
you to go out there and, youknow, one of the things that I
do have up there, because I puta lot of time and investment,
financial investment into thisinto this podcast, you know, I
spend quite a few, quite a bitof money doing doing this, and
it's something that I offer forcompletely free and I love doing

(27:57):
it, I'm gonna keep doing it, I'mgonna keep investing into it.
Because I think creating this,you know, really valuable free
resource for people to hear allsorts of different concepts in
interviews, and all of that ishugely valuable in this. And so
that's not going to stop. And Ialways want to do it for free.

(28:19):
And I think about like, Oh,should I go in the way of
advertising just to cover costs.
And, and I'm like, I don't, Idon't really want to go down
that road. And so part of my newpodcasting page gives the
ability to donate, and itdoesn't have to be a lot 510

(28:40):
bucks. It helpsin some of my financial burden.
Because it does this cost money.
You know, I have to pay for thewebsite, I have to pay for some
of the editing software and allthose kinds of things. I had to
pay for the equipment, all ofthose kinds of things that go

(29:03):
into this the things that youdon't even think about I have
subscriptions I have to pay formonthly just to keep all of this
going because you have to havehosting site. I mean, it's, it's
a bit so I would reallyappreciate if you would at least
consider you know, just five or10 bucks, you don't have to is
always going to be free. I'malways going to want to keep

(29:25):
doing this but you can you cando that. There's a little button
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And here's one thing I alwayslike to end on when it comes to
tough love and this is alsoabout our ideas. We have to let
go of the idea of what we thinkthat tough love really means.
You know tough love is not aboutbeing tough on them. But it is

(29:46):
about sometimes having to makedecisions that are tough to do.
And with that hope you have agreat day