#58 What to Expect When They Get Out of Rehab

It can be a really confusing time when your loved one gets out of rehab. It can be confusing for you as well as them. It's emotional, it's a little chaotic and not at all what you would expect it to look like. In this next podcast, I share a little bit about what you can expect. This is generalization, so if you have questions about your own loved one, please reach out to me.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome back to the unbreakableboundaries Podcast with your
hosts, myself, Jennifer Maneely.
In today's episode, I wanted toget into a really common issue
slash questions that familieshave on how to support their
loved one, when they exit rehab.

(00:20):
So someone goes into rehab, andthey get out. And now what, and
this is a very challenging timeperiod for both the families and
for the people that have thesubstance abuse issues. Because
a lot of times, what I see is,the red flags that families

(00:45):
think are a part of what they'reseeing is actually a really,
really normal part of theprocess, when it comes to early
recovery, and the things thatthey want to see are actually
the red flags. And so this makesit really challenging, both for

(01:05):
the loved one and for thefamily. So I kind of really
wanted to get into, what can youexpect, now, there's going to be
some things that I'm going tosay that are just a part of the
process that you may not agreewith, in terms of that's not how

(01:28):
it should be, quote, unquote,it's not how it should be. But
in most cases, and keep in mind,this is a very general
conversation that we're having.
So it may not apply to yourloved one, but more than likely
it does, because this is what isexperienced in that early

(01:48):
recovery in that getting out ofrehab, that pretty much everyone
goes through, if they are reallydoing all the right things. So
many times there's this ideathat especially the parents
have, they're like, Okay, whenyou go into rehab, you're gonna

(02:10):
get a chance to break free ofthe drug that you're on and kind
of just be able to move on withyour life when you get out
because you will have been freedfrom the drug obsession, and now
you can just pick up right whereyou left off, or just move on.

(02:32):
And a lot of times, what happensis the loved one will get out of
rehab, and there's a lot ofpressure for that loved one to
just move on with their lives.
Okay, you're normal again,you're gonna just move on. This

(02:55):
comes with the idea thatsubstances are the root of the
problem. And here's thechallenge is substances were
merely a symptom of a muchdeeper problem. The problems are
very internal. So the thingsthat they're telling them, all

(03:15):
of this started much before theyactually turned to drugs. So
it's gonna be very much kind ofthe same thing. When they get
out of rehab, all of theirissues that made them turn to
drugs are now right to thesurface. And now that they don't

(03:36):
have the drugs, and there's twoparts of this, they don't have
the drugs to cope. So now theyhave to figure out how to live
their life. The drugs that theyare on or were on actually did
create a lot of chemicalimbalances, which I want to say

(03:57):
that the chemical imbalances ithappens, because they are
wrecking wreaking havoc with thechemistry of their brain, and it
will balance out in thebeginning. It's a very emotional

(04:18):
time period, both from justfiguring out how to live life
and the actual chemicalimbalances that have happened.
So this is a very raw time, sowhen they get out of rehab,
that's kind of what you'reseeing. Is them almost reverting

(04:42):
into more of that childlikestate. So
it's, if they're acting like a10 year old, that's really
actually normal. And you'relooking at it going, Wait, this
is not at all what I wasexpecting, I feel like when you

(05:03):
got out of rehab, you shouldjust be able to start adulting.
Again. Well, keep in mind thatmost of the time people have
started drugs at a very youngage in their development stopped
at that point, you say, in yourbrain, oh, they should be

(05:25):
adulting again. And yet, whenyou really think about it, I
want you to ask yourself thisone important question. When
Have they ever truly adult ID.
Really, they have always had avery difficult time, not that
they haven't been able toaccomplish things. So I want to
state that very clearly. It'snot that they haven't been able

(05:48):
to accomplish things, sometimeswe make it through college, we
make it through, we start ourown businesses, even why we're
all in this. And yet, there'sstill a maturity issue that has
been happening for a very longtime. And so this is one of the
things that parents often thinkof, as, oh, this is red flags,

(06:14):
when really, that emotionalimmaturity is a perfectly normal
part of the process. Now, I'mnot saying that it's not
annoying. I'm not saying thatit's not frustrating talking to
a 3035 year old, 40, year old,whatever. And it's like you're

(06:34):
talking to a 10 year old. Look,if there was a way to change
that, or fix that, or make themact like an adult, trust me,
they would do it. But this isthe way that it is not the way
that you think it should be. Andso within that, it's almost

(06:54):
like, I'll never recommendsaying you should drop to the
their develop developmentalstage. But there is an
understanding, in somecompassion that they may not be
able to handle a whole lot ofthings that being said, most of
the time, depending on the levelof substance abuse. They're

(07:18):
really just trying to figure outlife in general. They're like,
how do I do these things? Whatis going on with me, the most
simplest tasks that we havelearned to live in is really

(07:39):
hard tasks for them. So goingout and getting a job, which I
do recommend, they go out, andthey start learning how to adult
so they start learning how topay the bills, they start
learning how, you know, to getthe job and be financially
secure. But it's theunderstanding of how challenging

(08:03):
all of those can be in those inthat time period. And it's like
holding space for them to reallyexplore what is coming up
without judging it withoutnecessarily telling them what to

(08:24):
do, but really coming about itin a encouraging way. So maybe
the first job interview, andthis is just an example. But
maybe the first job interviewthat they did it. It was just
not good. Maybe they didn't showup. Maybe the interview itself

(08:48):
went really not great. And maybethey come home either very
upset, or they tell you like ohyeah, I didn't go or whatever.
And a lot of times what thefamilies want to do is put a
whole lot of pressure on them.

(09:09):
And I understand why it's not,you know, this is what we this
is perfectly normal. And then itcreates a shutdown, because they
are ready and whether theyexhibit it to you and this is
something I want, you know, forus to understand.
They on the outside, they may beexhibiting a lot of nonchalant

(09:33):
LIS like they don't care,nothing really matters. They're
still in that like, oh f thisand this is stupid and all that.
Really what's going oninternally is a whole lot of
shame, a whole lot of lack andfaith in themselves. That they

(09:55):
can do it. So what they show youis the idea They don't care. And
really what's going on is thebelief that they are not
capable. And so when wecommunicate with people, when we
communicate with our loved ones,it's how can I encouraged them?

(10:20):
How can I show them that? I havefaith that they will do it next
time. So say the interview doesdoesn't go very well. It's like,
hey, you know what, it's okay.
It's important. I mean, you caneither say this or not just
depends on what you want to do.

(10:41):
But it's like, maybe next time,we can sit down and really go
through, how are you going toshow up in the next interview.
And if that doesn't go, well,we'll just try it again. It's
okay. This is also though,because there's no way they have
the emotional maturity, at thispoint in time, to really take a

(11:06):
step back and look at familydynamics, it's very, very
complicated. They're in a veryrural place, and they don't have
the maturity level, at this timeto really dive into showing up
as an adult with their parents,it, it just is, they're always

(11:30):
going to feel like a teenager,they're going to act like a
teenager, in the beginningstages of this. This is why in a
lot of cases, you know, I remindpeople, it's really difficult
for the loved one, and for theparent, to actually show up as

(11:53):
like an adult, if your loved oneis living in your house, their
ability to show up as an adultin this world, is 10 times more
difficult than if they were outon their own. Now, when there,

(12:14):
there are 1000 options outthere. For people that get out
of rehab, there's transitionalhouses, there's all sorts of
different options that they cando. The challenge becomes is
that they don't want to do it.
They do not want to go into atransitional house, they don't
want to do they don't they wantthe easy answer? And the easy

(12:38):
answer is oftentimes coming hometo their parents houses, if
that's an option. The challengewith this is it does not serve
either you as the parent, orthem as the loved one my saying
don't do it, I'm just sayingthat it makes it really

(13:02):
difficult for you to show up.
Like you want to show up in thisworld, and treat them like an
adult. Because it's like, we'rejust going to fall right into
our dynamics. So myrecommendation is, is whether
they like it or not, at leastthey have some skin in the game,

(13:23):
when they're out on their own.
And they're having to figure outhow to do life. They have people
around them, that can help themand support them in doing life
as we are meant to do life. Andthis is where it's like the red
flag for me. This is and this isa generalization. So please hear

(13:46):
me when I say this is ageneralization. The but the red
flag for me is when someone getsout of rehab, and they just
think that they just have thisthing. They think that they're
going to move on with their ownlives. They think that they can
do it on their own. They don'tneed any support. They got what

(14:09):
they needed from the rehab, andnow they're gonna just go out in
and, and live life. And that'sas a as a parent, really, that's
what we want because like whoreally wants to have like, a
quote unquote, wait, here's thedeal. We, it I say we but
really, you know, the parentsthat I have worked with a lot of

(14:33):
times it's like they just wanttheir kid to be going through a
phase. They just want them to begoing through a phase because if
they're just going through aphase that means it's something
that they can just get over. AndI'm here to tell you that if
they're going in and out ofrehab, this is not just a face.

(14:55):
This is something to be more Infull of this is something to
really take very seriously that,you know, they may not be able
to live just as a normal adultin this world, maybe they do,
maybe they don't. But it's atime when it's like, maybe it's

(15:16):
not just a phase, and we have totreat it not as just a phase.
But this is a big red flag forme is when people just think
that they can go and do it ontheir own. And the reason it's a
red flag, and it's not listen,they believe themselves, that's

(15:36):
the right answer for them. Theythink that that is what they can
do. So it's not like they'redoing anything wrong. They're
just having a desire to want toget past all of this, all of
this being, you know, theirsubstances, because they don't

(15:56):
want to live like that either.
And so they most certainly don'twant to go into the community
where that's what all of theit's really about. And I totally
understand it. Here's the otherside of it, though. If they knew
how to live life, successfully,without the use of drugs, they

(16:20):
wouldn't have needed to go intorehab in the first place. If
they knew how to show up as anadult, if they knew how to pay
their bills, if they knew how,you know, to go grocery
shopping, if they knew how tokeep a job, if they knew how to
do all of these things withoutdrugs, they would have done it
already. So the community, therecovery community, is really

(16:49):
about supporting them. Inlearning what we have to learn
to get through every day withoutusing drugs. A lot of times they
hate the community. And I cantotally understand from their
viewpoint as to why it's becausethey go into rehab.

(17:15):
And you have either the staffthat runs around and tells them
what to do and gives them awhole bunch of rules. And as we
know that they don't love thatstuff. They don't love being
told what to do. They've beendoing whatever they wanted to
do, no matter what level ofdestruction that they have in
their lives, they've been doingwhatever they want to do, for as

(17:40):
long as they can remember withwith zero regard for anyone. So
they get into a place where theyhave staff, which is just
telling them what to do. Andthat's really annoying to them.
And they don't like it. Andthey're like rules. You can't
tell me when to go to bed. I'm agrown adult, you can't tell me

(18:00):
to make my my bed. You can't.
You can't tell me to do chores,you can't. What do you do like
this is they don't want to doit. Right? So immediately their
perception of the staff is weak.
We are not big fans ofauthority. Right now. You have
the staff and then you have thepeople that you are in rehab

(18:24):
with. And they're all in thesame freakin mindset. They're
all in a very raw place.
Emotions are high, there's areally good chance they're just
not getting along with people.
Because not only do they notknow how to get along with other
people, but the other peopledon't know how to get along with
other people as well. Becausewe're all they're all it's like,

(18:47):
you know, it's just a bunch ofpeople in the in the place. And
I'm not saying it's not theright, I think rehab is a great
place to be when you need to getoff drugs, um, but their
perceptions of getting out ofthat place. And they'll go to
meetings, maybe some of them,some of the rehabs will take
them to, you know, 12 stepmeetings or whatever. And their

(19:10):
perception is in there. Is itjust a bunch of people that used
to do drugs sitting around andcomplaining about their lives,
which is not entirely true. Bythe way? That's their perception
of what is true. Why? Becausethey are so busy trying to not
have to live that type of lifethat they're gonna pinpoint on

(19:31):
something that they hear thatthey don't like. And now they're
gonna compare themselves and belike, Why do I want to hang out
with these people? And it's allbecause we don't know how to be
around other people are when wecome in and we're happy to be
around people that we don'tparticularly like, or no, it's

(19:55):
like, look, we've been a lot ofus. We get into You know, this
type of world, it is veryconfusing. Because it's like
when I'm in a group of people,I've learned not to trust
anyone. I've learned that peoplecan be dangerous, the best

(20:16):
friends that you have in thesubstance abuse community, when
you are doing substances. Thatworld, you're all stealing from
each other, you're all lyingfrom each other you're doing,
you know, dangerous things witheach other, you will stab each
other in the back and then turnaround and be best friends the

(20:39):
next day. Knowing that you juststab each other in the back. So
you come in with that mindset ina group of people that you kind
of do resonate with, because youknow, that they're kind of
sharing your story. Butimmediately, people just don't
trust each other. In the verybeginning. Trust is a learned

(21:01):
skill. It's, it's, it's learnedon how to handle when something
happens with other people,because I'm not saying that
recovery, people are perfect, weall come in with the same kind
of mentality. And here's theother challenge is in recovery,
we have a tendency to want togravitate towards people that

(21:23):
are in the same place that weare, because we resonate with
each other. But it's usuallyhere's the secret. It's usually
like they're in the samemindset. So they're just as
toxic. And we resonate with justthe toxic people. And then we're
like, recovery, people suck.
It's because they don't know howto find the right people to go

(21:46):
hang out with, which is not thepeople they're generally going
to gravitate to. Because it'susually the Healthy People. And
we come in with very unhealthymindset. It's not a judgment, it
just is, it's what we've beentrained in that world of, of how

(22:08):
to be it's just unhealthy. Andwe have to learn how to have a
healthy mindset, which means wehave to hang out with people
that are healthy.
People that have a problem withrecovery are people that have a
problem with people in recovery,because they don't know how to

(22:32):
deal with people in general. Youknow, they don't know how to
deal with if someone betrayedthem or got hurt. They're like,
oh, all recovery people are likethis. No, they're not. No,
they're not. You know, I payattention to who I allow in my
own life. Because I know I'velearned this time and time

(22:54):
again, of you know, the minutethat someone else's problem,
this is where it becomes aboutboundaries, right? The minute
that someone else createsproblems in my life, that are
not my problems, but they makeit my problems, then it becomes
my problem to solve. Andusually, if I have to solve
someone else's problem, thatperson isn't going to be no

(23:16):
longer allowed into my life. Andit doesn't mean when I say that,
that doesn't mean I turned myback on my friends, it just
means that maybe that particularperson if they continue to
create problems in my life, Imay not want to be with that
person. Now I am totally,totally there for people. So if

(23:42):
someone else is having aproblem, I'm not turning my
back. It's just when they startinvading my in my life, when
their decisions impact me in anegative way. I am going to
reevaluate my closeness withthat person. And here's the

(24:02):
thing is, in so many ways, yourloved one. And I'm not saying
turn your back, I'm saying lookat the boundaries that are being
set. In if their decisions areimpacting you in a negative way,
what are some solutions that youcan come up with some boundaries
that make sense so that theirdecisions aren't impacting you?

(24:28):
Because that's not fair. And itshouldn't be that way. And it
doesn't mean that sometimes itdoesn't happen. It just means
that Oh, with this person, I mayhave to reevaluate my what I
allow in my life in terms of howdo we do things. So I may not be

(24:48):
as connected with that personanymore. So we may not go out
and do as many things. I justset my life up in such a way
that they can't necessarily likeLike, invade my life that much,
I'm like, No, I'm not going togive you the option anymore to
make decisions that negativelyimpact my life. So however I

(25:12):
need to do that. So this is allin, you know, the very
beginning, it's verycomplicated. Because there's a
lot of things that are going onthat you're not going to be
aware of, for instance, this isanother thing I want to talk
about is, and I don't think wetalked about this enough. But

(25:33):
this is a red flag for for a lotof families. When I hear it, I'm
like, that's really normal,nothing to be worried about. And
we should be able to talk aboutit. But it scares the shit out
of parents most of the time. Andthen they put unnecessary
pressure, or they get upset oversomething that's really normal.
And now their loved one can'teven talk about it with the

(25:57):
people that they have in theirlife. Because here's the truth.
When someone gets out of rehab,generally speaking, especially
if it's their first time, theyhave nowhere else to turn to for
support yet, outside of theirfamily members. So in their
family members often just don'treally know how to handle some

(26:18):
of the really normal parts ofthe thing. So for instance,
let's talk about using dreams.
Using dreams are a special kindof dream. Using dreams are very
jarring for people toexperience. Most of the time
they using dreams not always arethere, they're kind of going
down the Recovery Road, in theirdream they use and now they feel

(26:41):
so ashamed they use they feel soguilty that they have to tell
people, they have to start overyet again. Sometimes, sometimes
not. Sometimes it's just they'reusing and they're happy about it
in their dream. And then theywake up.
And they're like, Oh, thank God,it's just a dream. But let me

(27:04):
tell you, especially in thebeginning, not only does it
happen so frequently. But it'ssuch a jarring thing, it shakes
people for the day, sometimeseven longer than that, because
they all have that shame andguilt, even though it wasn't
something that they actuallydid. They feel that shame and
guilt. And they feel like maybethey did something wrong, even
though it was just a dream. Theyfeel like maybe they did

(27:28):
something wrong, even thoughthey haven't done anything
wrong. It's just their brainsway of processing both their
experience of you know, thechemical imbalances that are
going on, it doesn't really meananything outside of it's just a
brains way of trying to processthe significant change that the

(27:50):
brain is experiencing in thatmoment. And so, the challenge
is, is when they have beenshaken up by a dream, and they
start talking to the familymembers about set dream, a lot
of times the parents hear it.
And they think that that's a redflag. Oh, you're thinking about

(28:13):
using? Well, let me tell you alittle secret, we think about
using a lot. And it doesn'treally matter how long clean
that that person gets. We stillthink about using a lot and in
the very beginning. It's likeit, it's constant. You can't
stop that. And for parents, theyoften will put pressure and say,

(28:41):
Oh my God, you're thinking aboutgoing back out and using I can't
do all of this over again. No,no. And then there's a whole lot
of conversations around that.
And then now again, the lovedone feels a little shut down and
loved one feels a little likethey can't talk like an and the

(29:01):
loved one also feels like maybethey're doing something wrong.
Because they just had theirparents telling them that that
their dream was wrong, theirdreams. They like they have any
control over it should just beyou know, they shouldn't be
thinking like that. And they andthe truth is they can't help it

(29:22):
and I'm going to tell you,they're going to wake up and
they're going to think aboutusing not just around the using
dreams just on everyday life,they are going to think about
using they're gonna want to useand that's just really normal.
And it goes away after sometime. But you know what, I tell

(29:43):
you what I have over 15 yearsclean and on a really hot day,
or if I'm really stressed out orany number of things just
because I'm like it would bereally nice to have a couple of
beers years. And I know for methat that's not an option, but I

(30:06):
think about it. And there aretimes where I think about even
more things. I don't sit aroundand romance it, I don't sit
around and create the desire,like, right around when I start
feeling uncomfortable in mybody, like physically, that's
when it's like I have learned,and I've had to learn how to do
this, I will learn how to notcontinue down the road of those

(30:33):
thoughts, because that'sdangerous, when we sit there,
and we just start thinking aboutusing and going down that path.
But we don't really have muchcontrol over our first thoughts.
And sometimes we don't even havemuch control over our second
thoughts. But when I startgetting really uncomfortable
feelings in me, that's when it'slike, okay, you really have to

(30:56):
think about something else,because you're gonna make
yourself miserable. So here'sthe thing is they're gonna think
about all of these things. Andthis is, this is why I think
it's just really importantthat families also get help to
learn how to deal with what iscoming up for them. So my focus

(31:19):
for the families is having,like, I work a lot with parents,
because I think it's reallyimportant. And it's like, okay,
this is happening in your life,period. There's no ifs, ands, or
buts about it. The question foryou is, is, who do you want to

(31:39):
be through this? How do you wantto handle it? Do you want to
have a relationship with yourloved one, if you want to have a
relationship with your lovedone, and you want to support
them, and you want to help themand you want them to just be the
person that you feel like, youknow, they can be, then there's
some work to be done? So a lotof times I think parents have

(32:03):
this idea is like, oh, no, I'mnot the one with the problem.
They're the ones with theproblem. They're the ones that
need help. And I agree, theyneed help. It doesn't mean
they're the that they are theonly ones with a problem. They
don't have the same problemsthat you may be experiencing.

(32:24):
Have you sat back and thoughtabout like, Okay, how many
questions do you have? Thatmaybe you don't even know where
to go to? To get answers? AndI'm going to tell you, it's
really, really confusing, andbrings you into more of a
confusion. When you go sit downand try to go to Facebook, or

(32:49):
try to Google answers to yourproblems, or try to get advice.
Oh, man, I don't know if you'veever made that mistake. But go
into a Facebook group and askingfor advice on, you know, a very
short, like, you can't possiblygive people enough information

(33:09):
to actually for you to giveadvice for them to give advice
to you. But man, it's like,okay, what do I do here? And
you're going to get 1000answers. And none of them may
feel very good to you. Andyou're like, I am so much more
confused now than before I evenask the question in this group,

(33:31):
go into Google, it's the samething, you're gonna get 1001
different answers. And so I havethe biggest question for you is,
is what is the answer that isright for you? What are the
boundaries that are right, thatfeel good to you? I'm not saying

(33:51):
when I say feel good, there'ssome uncomfortability that
happens. But there's also aknowing like when you know that
that's the right answer. Andyet, it may be a little
uncomfortable, because this isan I know you've heard if you've
been listening to my podcast issomething I say all the time

(34:12):
because I think it's important.
Tough Love does not mean thatyou are tough on them. It means
that sometimes you may have tomake decisions that are tough to
do. And it's of service to themand it's of service to you. And
it doesn't mean that you have todo it from a place of anger or

(34:34):
resentment. Because none of thatfeels very good. When we lash
out in anger. I can't imaginethat that feels very good. It
may feel kind of good for asecond to say your piece. And
then don't you feel just alittle bit bad later. And let me
tell you, they know how to usethat guilt against you. So it's

(34:58):
really just paying attention towho do you want to be? Through
this journey? Because whether welike it or not, we're in this
journey. And so shouldn't wekind of go, alright, if I have
to do this kid? Is there placeswhere I can feel better? Is

(35:20):
there places where maybe I canwork on my own anxiety issues
around this topic? Are thereplaces where I can, I don't know
how to communicate better. Butmaybe that's the place where
it's like I can ask and get helpis how to communicate with them.
Because right now, it just, it'slike I talk and it's like

(35:41):
talking to a brick wall. I don'tknow how to get through to them.
I don't know how to get them tohear me.
And this is something that it'slike, look, this is a very
individual journey that you'reon. There's so many things to
take into into consideration,when it comes to something that

(36:06):
maybe you feel good about slottimes. You know, the family,
some of the families that I workwith, they'll say, Oh, well, I
really want to sit down and havethat come to Jesus conversation
with them. And they need toknow, you know, how it's gonna
sit? Okay. Okay. All right.
Awesome. I think it's reallyimportant that you have the
ability to say your piece. Now,when you think about that

(36:27):
conversation that you're gonnahave, how do you? How are you
going to feel in thatconversation? And how do you
think that's conversations gonnago? And they say, Oh, well, I
don't think it's going to bevery good. I'm probably not
going to feel very good aboutit. And I don't think they're
going to I think it's probablyjust going to start a fight.
Yeah, you may be right, youmight you make, listen, you

(36:51):
should definitely allow peoplethe opportunity to hear you. But
if that conversation isn't goingto serve you, and that
conversation isn't going toserve them, that I'm not sure
that like maybe we can think ofwhat is the conversation that
you could be having, that youfeel good about? And that they

(37:12):
feel good about? Maybe theydon't feel good about it, but it
doesn't really matter. Is therea conversation that serves you
and serves them? And let's lookat what does that look like
instead of the conversation thatis just going to be that we know
is not going to set Anyone upfor success? Or how do we set

(37:35):
boundaries that we are incontrol of so if we have a goal
in mind, and boundaries, that'sall boundaries are right their
goals, this is what we want,this is what we want. For us.
This is how we want to behave inthese situations. If this person
does this, this is how I want torespond. And maybe not in a,

(37:58):
like we can't think of theperfect warning. But this is how
I want to be in the response.
I'm going to be grounded, I wantto be balanced, I want to be
clear. And it will be all ofthose things. Right. So how do
we set boundaries slash? How dowe look at the goals that we
want for ourselves, and makingsure that we are in control of

(38:23):
the outcome of those goals? Sowhat is it that we have control
over? Right? And how are wesetting boundaries that we have
control over the outcomes. And Ithink that's really important
when we think about looking atthese situations, because

(38:43):
there's so many situations whenthey get out of rehab, that
you're still going to have tolook at and get some clarity on
communication. There's placeswhere it's like there's there's
a balance of, I want to be therefor them. I want to support
them. And then what isacceptable? What is my

(39:05):
expectations here? How do I needto be so many questions, and I
think it's important forfamilies to have some more to
land to get some of thesequestions to be answered. Not
from what I think as Jin, buthow to I hold space for you to

(39:28):
come up with the answer thatmight be right for you. And
maybe I can fill in someinformation that gives you a
little bit more context, so thatyou can make some different, you
know, either have differentconversations based out of just
having a little bit moreinformation, and how do we hold

(39:51):
space? How do I hold space foryou to explore what's coming up
for you and then how do you wantto be through the journey that
you are having, whether we likeit or not. But how do you want
to be through this journey? Howcan you grow as a person? How

(40:16):
can you focus on you, and notjust buy into some of the things
that they're saying and thecomplexities? And how do you
make sure you're communicatingthat you totally have faith,
that they're gonna be able tosolve their problems, maybe not
on their own, because I'll tellyou what, we are human beings.

(40:39):
We don't solve problems all onour own, we need support, we
need help. And people that thinkthat they can just go through
this life all alone and andfigure it all out by themselves.
It doesn't work out so well forpeople, I need help all the
time. I have a whole group ofpeople in my life, both in

(41:03):
recovery and outside of recoverythat support me that I can go to
and ask for help. Now, I'm notgreat at it, I admit it, I'm
still, there's still a lot ofthings that I work on, and
knowing when and how to ask forhelp. For me, it's still
something I work, but I'mworking on it. And there are I'm

(41:23):
doing a lot better than I usedto, I'll tell you what, but I
think it's really important thatif your loved one is getting out
of rehab, and you have all ofthese questions, how do you have
a place to come to to find someof the answers? Because there's
just no way like this podcasts avery generalized pocket? I think

(41:45):
it's great. And I think itreally helps a lot of people.
But does it hone in on yourparticular needs? On your
particular questions, you mayhave more questions. Now that
you've heard this so many morethings, maybe can we Oh, my God,
what am I supposed to do here,they're acting like this. I

(42:05):
can't know that in just, youknow, this form. So this is why
I really want to have a placefor people to land and ask these
questions. And maybe it's notjust them getting out of rehab,
maybe they're still using andyou're like, dude, they're in my
house, I don't know what to do.
Or maybe they're not in yourhouse. And maybe you're just
like, I am tired of feeling theway that I feel. I would like to

(42:28):
feel something different. I wantto live my life. This was
supposed to be my time. And mytime as I'm still freaking
raising them, and they're 30years old, I should not be doing
this, maybe you're frustrated,because you're like, I want my
life back. I want to live mylife, they need to go live their

(42:54):
lives, and I don't feel like Ican let go because I feel like
if I let go, then somethingreally bad is gonna happen. And
I'm never going to be able tolive my life. And this is just
the way that it is. It's not youcan still live your life, you
can support them. But there'ssome things where it's like,
you're gonna need help doingthat. Because there's, there's

(43:18):
just so many things that like,you're gonna have to kind of
look at for yourself of, of why,how, what do I do. And it's nice
to have another person there tohold that space, and remind you

(43:41):
of the things that you said youwanted to do. And then have some
like, you know, goals in mind.
It's so relieving. I have,there's one client? Well, most
of my clients I work with, andthey'll say, oh, I don't have to

(44:06):
feel like that, or I don't haveto do that. Because it's like,
I'll look at him and they'lltell me what they're doing. And
I can tell that they're nothappy about it. And they just
feel like it's out of a sense ofobligation because they feel
like that's what they'resupposed to do as a parent. And
the relief that they feel whenme as the person that has the

(44:32):
substance that had the substanceabuse issue is looking at him
and saying no, that's not yourrole. There like it's not, no,
you don't have to do that. Nowlet's come up with some ideas
that both you feel good aboutand that serves them like Okay,
and so that then we go into thatand it's it's an amazing thing

(44:54):
to watch people go from reallyshut down to all of a sudden
getting excited. aidid not onlyabout life, but just having
normal conversations again, whenthey run into someone that they
know that they know is going toask them about their loved one,
they don't have to feel badanymore, wouldn't that be a
great place to be? You don'thave to feel bad any more about

(45:21):
when someone comes up to you. Sohow is so and so. And you feel
like, you have to either lie, orthey certainly don't want to
hear about all your problems, orwhatever it is, right? So many
things that go on in thatmoment, that it almost gets to
the point where it's like, Idon't want to run into anybody

(45:41):
that I know, I want to not haveany friends anymore because I
cannot handle people asking methat question. Wouldn't it be
nice to not feel that way?
anymore.
So this is, you know, what Irecommend, I really want you to

(46:03):
have the ability to landsomewhere. And I want you to
reach out to me. And listen, wejust have a conversation. It's
totally free. And maybe it's agood fit for us to continue
working together. Maybe you'drather some something else.
Maybe you're like, Oh no, youknow what I really need, you
know, therapy, or maybe you'vetried therapy and you're like,

(46:26):
look, I'm willing to givesomething else to try. And I
really want you to have a placeto land. So this is what I want
you to do. I want you to either,you can go email me. So it's
Jennifer. M, as in [e-mail] Is is my

(46:50):
email, you can also email mealthough a lot of times it just
goes to spam. So I don't reallyeven use this anymore. But I do
have you know, I do check it allthe time. So you can also email
email me at Jennifer at Maneelyconsulting.com. You spell
Maneely as M is in Matt a in asin, I don't know, Nelly? e l y.

(47:15):
So it's m a n e l yconsulting.com. And that's also
my website, you can go toManeely consulting.com. And go
check out my website, I havesome blogs, if you're not ready
to talk, I have all sorts ofreally cool resources on there.
And of course, there's always mypodcast page as well, that has

(47:37):
all the resources, I have somecool videos, you'll check out
all of that at unbreakableboundaries podcast.com. And
please remember this, I want youto remember to also share this
so maybe you yourself aren'tgoing through this and you just
liked the podcast because youthink it's interesting. But

(47:57):
please share this podcast withothers because you never know
who may need to hear this. Andit was what kinda talks about a
little bit people are oftenhiding their battles in this
arena and sharing is a great wayto provide this valuable
resource to a person you may noteven know who needs it. And I
always want you to remember thisone thing. Don't forget, there

(48:19):
is always hope even when thingsseem the most hopeless.