#69 Reddit: What Was Dating In Recovery Like For You?

Another Reddit Story/Question. What was dating in recovery like for you?

Episode Transcript

Jen (00:00):
Welcome back to the unbreakable boundaries podcast
with your host, myself, JenniferManeely. I am back again with a
nother Reddit story, althoughthis one again is not
necessarily a Reddit story. It'sa simple question. It's a simple
question yet it's complicated.
This is coming from the threadRedditors in recovery, and it's
just as simple. What was datingand recovery like for you? Well,

(00:24):
for me when I think back into mydating life, and what are the
reasons I want to kind of starthere where I explain why I chose
this particular question,especially for this podcast, as
it does relate around. Forfamily members, I think it's

(00:48):
important that families start tounderstand what are some of the
challenges that we face whilewe're in recovery. And dating is
a really big topic in recovery.
Because it's one of those thingswhere romantic relationships are

(01:13):
a, I don't, I want to be carefulhow I say this. Romantic
relationships are one of thereasons why people relapse the
most, it's the most commonreason people break up. They are
in a world of pain. And they gothrough a relapse relationships

(01:35):
in general, are very difficultfor us. Because we don't always
have the skills and the tools todeal with that kind of emotional
pain, especially in thebeginning. So it can be really
tough for me, I remember when Ifirst got out of rehab the very

(02:00):
first time and I met a boypretty quickly, when I got out
of rehab, maybe three, fourweeks, after I got out of rehab,
I met a boy and it was veryconfusing. I will I don't want
to really go into necessarilyall of the details, I will say

(02:20):
that ultimately I ended upmarrying said boy that I met.
But there was a lot that thatwent into that it was a very
confusing time. For me, I thinkfor me. At that time, when I
looked at him, because I had Ihad like two months clean. And I
was very, very scared. And hehad like six months clean. And

(02:45):
he seems like he knew what thehell he was doing what he was
talking about, he seemed veryconfident in his recovery and in
himself. And I found that to bea really attractive thing.
Because I was not very confidentin my recovery. This was all
very new to me. So I kind ofwent down the road of thinking

(03:08):
that he could help me in myrecovery. And what I'll say is,
is for any new people that arein recovery, that is not how
that works. A lot of times it'smore like the blind leading the
blind. And that it was the casein this situation where it he

(03:28):
wasn't as in recovery, even atthat time as I thought but he
was let's just let's just saythat. And so. But there was a
lot more things that happened.
And even amongst all my otherdating stuff outside of this
person, it was still reallyconfusing to me. I think even at

(03:51):
the time, like I was thinkingabout, you know, struggling like
with things like my sexuality.
That was really hard for me,especially early on, in
recovery, to kind of figure outbecause I just didn't really
know what I was. I didn't reallyknow how to manage myself. I

(04:17):
didn't know what to do withmyself in. In recovery. I didn't
know who I was, I didn't knowwho I wanted to be. I didn't
have the tools. And at the endof it when it came down because
like I said, I ended up marryingthis boy but even moving forward

(04:37):
after we'd been dating for alittle while. It was really easy
for him to convince me thatmaybe we didn't need because we
were in a 12 step program at atime and it was really easy for
him to convince me that maybe wedidn't need said 12 STEP program
for various reasons. Again, I'mnot gonna go down into those

(05:01):
types of details, because that'snot what the point is here, what
I'll say is, is dating andrecovery can be really, really
confusing, it can be reallypainful, I think it's really
good for people to have a solidfoundation of people in their
life that can help them for whenthings may not go according to

(05:26):
plan, or the things don't go theway that you want them to.
Right, like, it's really good tobe connected. And I think this
is there's a very common thing.
I don't necessarily believe inthis specifically, but they say
like, don't take for the firstyear, you're in recovery, which
I think a lot of people arguewith, I think a lot of people
don't, necessarily, the majorityof people don't do that. I think

(05:50):
though, the intent in sayingthat is to give people a chance
to really connect themselvesinto a recovery program and
connect themselves with otherpeople. So like people in these
recovery programs, that that'snot always what this term is
called. But like a mentor orsponsor, it's good to have one

(06:16):
of those. And it's good to havea solid relationship with a
sponsor or solid relationshipwith a community. And that can
kind of take some time to reallydevelop because you're going to
need that, when things fallapart. I say when because, you
know, most of the time they do.

(06:39):
Even if you end up gettingmarried to this person, right,
there's still going to bemoments in that relationship
that are tough that that, youknow, relationships, there's
arguments, there is pain, evenif it's not the pain of like a
breakup, that it's good to havea foundation, and it's good to

(07:00):
have a community, it's good tohave, have developed tools and
skills in order to handle that.
A lot of times people just kindof grit through it, the pain
when they break up, but a lot ofthose people even early on,
they're the ones that, let's sayyou do get into a relationship
early in recovery. And the onesthat I have seen now, you know,

(07:28):
this is not a rule, it's justkind of what I have seen, the
ones that do make it throughthose types of breakups without,
you know, going and getting highand running the recovery
journey. are the ones that havereally dove into the recovery

(07:50):
community, whether you know,healthy or not, I mean, you dive
into that recovery community.
And those tend to be the peoplethat can make it through, even
if it's messy, even if it's notpretty even if that person does,

(08:12):
you know, behaves in such a waythat's not the way that maybe
they would handle it in thefuture. At least they can get
through it not getting high. Sothat's kind of what I've seen. I
want to kind of hit on some ofthese comments here because I
think I think they're great.
Let's see. At six years soberI've had two relationships. One

(08:36):
we were talking about gettingmarried, I recovered fully from
the first relationship she was amiserable person can't even
stand the sound of her voice,sneer that is perfectly on her
face. She was very manipulative,toxic, gaslighting, dishonest.
The engagement relationship hasbeen difficult to get over I
loved her more than any womanI've ever met. She tried forcing

(08:57):
it on me that I have apersonality disorder that I
never cared for her only caredabout how she made me feel.
She's right about some of it. Ialso feel like she bullied me
into accepting her perspectives.
I didn't stand my ground I feellike we both manipulated each
other into an unhealthy statetruly sad. The moral of the

(09:20):
story for me if losing therelationship will take away
sobriety don't do it. Don't hurtthe ones you love. Don't take
things too seriously. I almosthave my shit together after six
years to then I imagine the nextlevel shit together comes after
this level. I think I'm at.

(09:40):
Yeah, so you know, I think a lotof people will say that this is
these these are therelationships that sometimes we
can find ourselves in that aredifficult to get out. Now one
here's the other thing that Iwill say I'm talking about my
experience of dating and whatit's been like and it's been
done For me, it still has, I'mnot a expert on dating, I'm

(10:04):
single, I have found for me thatI keep getting into
relationships with the sameperson, not literally the same
person, but you know, like, thesame person over and over, that
have these specific traits andthat are unhealthy and it has
something to do with me. I don'tknow how to necessarily work.

(10:28):
This is my theory is my workingtheory right now I have no idea
because I'm not an expert inthis is my theory, though, is
I've worked so much on myself,that I have gone as far as I can
with myself as it relates torelationships. And now I'm at

(10:48):
the point where it's like, Ihave to work on myself in a
relationship because the gymthat is single, I have learned
is different than the gym thatis in the relationship. Jen that
a single is much more confidencein herself and so many more
areas, knows who she is, and canvoice that, mostly. But Jenna is

(11:16):
in a relationship sometimesstarts to begin to get a lot of
those insecurities come rightup. And I don't always know how
to deal with those very well. SoJen is not an expert at
relationships, and I'm notclaiming to be I am just saying,

(11:38):
This is my experience of whatit's been like dating and
recovery is it's been reallytough, especially you know,
those first few things. It's,it's hard because, you know,
I've I've dated people that havebeen both part of a 12 step

(12:00):
program and what we callnormies, which is like, you
know, people that are not inrecovery, people that can do
normal things and drink normallyand don't do the drugs and all
of those things. We call thosepeople normies I have dated both

(12:20):
and both come with somecomplexities. Relationships are
just hard. So anyway, all right,so more comments. I think people
who are all quote, don't dateuntil you have your whole life
together and have been clean fora year at least, and in quote,
are either sexually active or ina relationship and can shut the

(12:42):
EFF up. Life is hard enough asit is. This person has some some
very strong opinions about this.
Even in the GED bible it iswritten it is not good for man
to be alone loneliness can causeabout as much health issues as
drugs. In many cases, it's bestto be prepared for short lived
relationships, though not makeit on the basis of one's

(13:04):
existence, which is of courseeasier said than done when
you're only recently realizinghow much of your life has been
wasted and ruined by drug abuse.
So reading that, I'm going tofill in some of the blanks here
because this person hasobviously, some very strong

(13:26):
opinions and has been toldrepeatedly things and I'm
guessing this is an assumptionbut because I know kind of how
the recovery programs lean onthe relationships and I think
this this person has a lot towork through when they are

(13:48):
looking at their ownrelationships. It's best to be
prepared for short livedrelationships though not to make
a basis of one existence. Andwhat they're saying is is like I
think don't make that personyour entire world which I agree
with this we struggle let's see.
Here's another comment. Ibelieve you're half right. See,

(14:13):
I you know what, that's aresponse to that comment. Um,
let's see. Here here's one a nonexistent been single for seven
years now and so many peoplehave told me I'm handsome guy,
maybe much less now. overdosingsounds nice. That is a pretty
dramatic. overdosing soundsnice. This is obviously a person

(14:41):
that sounds like they alsoreally struggle. And they have
found it very difficult. Maybethey just haven't ever learned
those tools. Here's another Whenyou can't love someone until you
love yourself, so do you loveyourself? And you know, I want

(15:03):
to break that down because thisis something that we say I think
culturally not just when itcomes to recovery, and again,
this is Jen's perspective, thisis Jen's world, this is Jim's
philosophy, so take it with agrain of salt, right is I do
believe that we can only love,you know, someone as much as we

(15:26):
love ourselves, but in what wayso like, if I really break down
particular areas of my life, soI'm not insecure in every area
of my life, right? I love myselfin so many areas, in in my life.
And so in those areas, I canlove someone that much. There

(15:50):
may be other areas where I havea hard time with myself. And I
may not love myself in thosecompartments of my life. And so
I don't necessarily look atsomeone as a whole, this is just
me, I don't look at people as awhole, although it's good to see

(16:14):
people as a whole, right. Andthis could get into a deeper
conversation than I want to gohere. And maybe I will go into a
deeper conversation. If you haveany questions. You know what, if
you want to talk about this morethis, what I'll say is reach out
to me. And we can talk moreabout this. You can either shoot
me an email Jennifer at Maneelyconsulting.com. Or you can go to

(16:38):
my website, Maneelyconsulting.com, and get in touch
with me that way. But the waythat I look at people's I break
people down into certain like,columns and areas and I break
myself down. So just because Idon't love myself in one area

(16:59):
doesn't mean I can't love myselfin another area. And that
doesn't mean that I can't lovesomeone else. Write. So if we I
don't think it is as simple asbreaking things down into
percentages. But I think likesay I love myself 70% Based on
all of the categories in which Ibreak myself down, let's say

(17:21):
70%, which I think is a reallyhigh number. And maybe that's
wrong, but I do when I reallybreak things down into what I
look, when I look at myself, Ilove myself 70% that I can
possibly love someone else. 70%.
And I think I think there is adetermination. Like if I just

(17:46):
don't love myself at all, thenI'm there's no way for me to go.
But I have not ever really metsomeone even in their most
depressed, right. I've not metsomeone who just doesn't love

(18:06):
themselves at all, I think thatthey may struggle in seeing that
and bring it up to the forefrontof their mind on a regular basis
on the things that they do lovebecause maybe they're depressed.
But if you really sit down andtalk to them, the people that
you think that there's just noway that they love themselves at
all. They actually really do ifyou really sit down and start

(18:29):
breaking them down into pieces.
It's like, Well, do you lovethis about yourself? Do you love
that about yourself? And they'relike, Yeah, of course I do. And
then, you know, they're able tolove that and other people. And
so I mean, it's the way that wecan and can't at the same time.
Both love ourselves and not loveourselves. So I think that I

(18:54):
think it's really hard when wejust see only as one piece when
we can really break ourselvesdown into 1000s of smaller
pieces. And I think it'ssometimes that can be really
important to do. I have I knowthat that's really important for
me to like, instead of mesaying, Oh, I don't like that

(19:20):
person. Right? I may not likewhat someone is doing. And I
think it's an importantdistinction for my own well
being is to think about peoplein terms of, you know, not
thinking of them as Oh, I don'tlike that person but saying I

(19:41):
don't like when this person doesthis, it really interferes in
this way and this is why I maynot hang out with them is
because that behavior thatthey're exhibiting is not a
behavior that is serving me inany way and so I can't have that
in my life. But if that bebehavior was to change. If that
person was to change thatbehavior, I'd be more than happy

(20:05):
to, like, hang out with them. SoI don't really go around going,
I don't like that person. It'slike, I don't like this thing
about that person. And so thatthat thing about that person
makes it really hard for me towant to hang out with them. And
so then I don't, right. So thenit gives both me and them a

(20:25):
little grace as well. But youknow, behaviors are can
sometimes be really hard tochange. So that's the other
thing where it's like that thebehavior that I may not really
like, they may never reallychange, and I may never really
want to be their friend. So it'sas simple as that. And I'm sure

(20:46):
that there are people that havemet me, and maybe I have
exhibited a behavior that theydidn't particularly like, and so
then they're like, Can I reallyjust don't like gin? And then
they can't, you know, they don'twant to be friends with me. And
that's okay, too. But it's notme. It's not me that they don't
like it may be something maybe Isaid something that just really

(21:10):
rubbed them wrong. And I cantell you, I've had plenty of
people tell me that I have saidsomething that really rubbed
them the wrong way. And thenthey didn't like me after it.
Sometimes they come back to meand say, Jen, you were so right.
Because they didn't really wantto hear it at the time. And
sometimes, you know, I just losefriendships because I maybe had
said something that just reallyirritated them. Because I'm kind

(21:32):
of a matter of fact, personsometimes. And sometimes I don't
always beat around the bush andwhatever. So anyway, a few more
comments, and then and thenwe'll, we'll move on. Let's see.
I took two years of soberrecovery to myself. Before
dating, I found my first healthyrelationship. And we had what I

(21:55):
thought was a good run for twoyears, then he dumped me. So
what do I do? Now I'm single bychoice, until I have my stuff
together home job situationdeclined. So yeah, again, really
difficult relationships or apath to agony for me in my first

(22:16):
two to three years, I have neverhandled breakups well, and one
of them would lead to a majorrelapse on Christmas Day. It's a
win win, lose lose situation. Imarried my rehab romance after
an appropriate amount of timesober and together could have
gone super arrived. glad itdidn't. Now, this time, this

(22:39):
sometimes does happen, right?
Where people meet, like inrehab, which is highly not
recommended, because 99% of thetime that goes really poorly.
And then every now and then youhave that case, where it's
magical, and they actually go onand live a beautiful and happy

(23:05):
and healthy life together. And Ithink that 99% hope that they're
the 1%. But the 99% that helpedother the 1% really find out
that they're the 99%. So that'sa that's a hard one. Just couple
more, let's see, I have neverdated in recovery, because

(23:27):
heartbreak is what often led meto long, hard relapses. Here's
the thing about recovery,though, and I know this is
sounding Excuse me. I know thisis sounding very dismal, I
guess, is, you know, we have tolearn Relationships are hard in

(23:50):
general. And when we have tolearn how to do them, we just
have to learn how to have theseromantic relationships and not
get high over them. But we havethese romantic relationships,
not get high over them, butthey're still painful. And I
think that's true, whetheryou're in recovery or not.
Right, like, you know, it'spainful. The challenges is

(24:12):
people in recovery. When thatpain comes, that's a kind of a
trigger. So we have to kind oflearn how to deal with that. And
it can be hard, but we stillhave to learn how to date in
recovery. It's just a skill. Andthis is where having people is

(24:34):
really really important. Becausethese are this is a big
milestone for people and whyit's recommended to be a part of
a recovery community. The thingthat I have found that people
have the biggest challenge withbeing in a recovery community is
the people it's not whateverfoundation Whether it's you

(24:58):
know, AAA in a smart recovery,Celebrate Recovery or dharma
recovery, any of those otherrecovery programs, right? It's
never the foundation that peoplehave the problem with, I think
any of those are amazingprograms, any of them. And they

(25:20):
have a solid foundation, I thinkwhat gets people in trouble is
the people in those foundations,they, maybe they meet up with
the wrong person, wrong persons,you know, screws up more people
screw them, right, like,learning how to deal with the
pain of just being in this worldwith other people can sometimes

(25:44):
because we don't come in withknowing who all of the good
people are always right likethat takes time to develop,
we're so used to resonating witha particular person, that
sometimes we come into thisprogram and find the people that
we resonate with, and they'reusually unhealthy, because we

(26:06):
are still unhealthy. And so it'sthat can be really complicated
to is, but we still have to kindof learn how to do that, and
just manage the pain. So anyway,well, I think I'm gonna,
there's, there's quite a fewmore comments, I think you can
kind of get the gist of howpeople are, when they think

(26:31):
about dating and recovery, whatthat looks like, and I hope for
the families, that it gives youa really good understanding of a
few things. One, that justbecause the drugs or the alcohol
is removed, that makes our lifea little bit more challenging.

(26:53):
It does it yes, the benefits ofit are so good. But it's not the
end, we have so much that westill have to learn even once we
remove the drugs and alcohol,that is just the beginning. So
we're facing a lot of reallyscary situations for us, and a

(27:14):
lot of pain for us, that can bechallenging. And so I think it's
really important for thefamilies to understand what
we're up against, and that maybethe families can help encourage
their loved ones, to be a partof a community, you know, any

(27:38):
community, I don't care what thecommunity is, it just needs to
be a community that supportiveof their recovery. And that can
understand what they're upagainst and what they're facing.
And then how to talk about thisis why, like, I spent a lot of
time talking about the tools andthe skills. Because not just

(28:00):
every community that is ever inexistence, like a church
community. I think a churchcommunity is really, really
amazing. But they're notnecessarily full of people that
understand what it means to dateand recover in recovery right
now celebrate recovery, whichhappens to lean a lot on the

(28:24):
churchorganization that like they may
really be able to understandbecause Celebrate Recovery does
have an emphasis on like, moreof the religious way of
thinking. So that's an option,you know, like, smart recovery

(28:48):
is just it's a little bitdifferent than like the 12
steps. But then, like, you know,I think it's important that if,
like your loved one is justresistance to all community. It
means that they're resistant.
And and a lot of times theyhaven't even tried not really

(29:10):
tried. But then maybe they'rejust resistant to the idea of
recovery, and they're not ready.
Right. So that's that's theother thing, but I think it's
really good for the families tobe supportive and encouraging of
their loved ones to be a part ofa recovery community. Now I know

(29:31):
if you've ever listened to likemy mom and I's podcasts
together, she fully admittedthat it was really hard for her.
Like when I when I wanted toleave recovery.

Unknown (29:50):
The like the first time she was kind of a little
support, not supportive. But shewas kind of like Oh good. That
was just a fake. He's of herlife. And now we can get back to
normal because that's kind ofhow I positioned it to her,
right? Well, it's like, well,I've been clean for, you know,
18 months now, and I'm doingreally well. And I just don't

(30:12):
really think that I need thislifestyle, I think I'm good, I
think I've moved on and, and nowI can kind of just go live my
life. And I think for her, thatwas a little bit of a relief at
the time. So I understand andknow how hard it can be for
families to get their headswrapped around, that this is the

(30:34):
way that their loved one needsto live their life. But at the
same time, it's like when you'refacing these kinds of
challenges, it's also reallyimportant for those families to
be supportive of having peoplethat can maintain like, you
know, like, even at the time,when I left, I had 18 months,
which sounds like a long time toa lot of people that maybe

(30:58):
you're you know, again, normies,or whatever they're like, Yeah,
that's enough time to kind ofget your life back together. And
to a certain extent it was but Istill had so much to learn about
myself, I wasn't married yet, Istill I was missing a lot of
fundamental tools and skillsthat I needed to know how to be

(31:19):
a human in this world to knowhow to adult in this world, I
was still missing a lot of thosepieces even at that time. So

Jen (31:28):
I think it's good that families get to hear about these
challenges that we're facing. Soyou can begin to understand this
is it's far less about justremoving drugs away. And it's
far more about having it as ajourney, which for the families,
that means that you have ajourney for yourself that you

(31:53):
are going to be experiencing,and you have tools and skills
that you need to help yourselfunderstand what your loved one
may be experiencing and goingthrough and help you fill those
gaps. You have your ownemotional journey. And
understanding, even though it'svery different than what they're

(32:16):
going to be experiencing, you'regoing to be experiencing these
things as well. And so I thinkit's really important for
families to also think aboutgetting help for themselves,
which is what I do. And I helpthe families kind of start
understanding more of thesetypes of situations and what

(32:37):
they're going through and, andhow to kind of manage
themselves, while their lovedone is experiencing all of these
types of journeys and not havingthe skills to communicate with
their families. So effectivelyare the tools to kind of deal
with their emotional stuff, and,and then how to help families

(32:59):
kind of gain some more of theirown tools. So please, if this is
something that you're interestedin, knowing more about, you can
go check out my website Maneelyconsulting.com. I also have a
YouTube channel where I dovideos. So if you're more into
videos, and they're a little bitshorter, so I'll take this

(33:19):
podcast, and I will shrink it upquite a bit into shorter videos.
So if that is something thatinterests you, you can go check
out my YouTube channel at it'smy handle is at the the
unbreakable boundaries. Soanyway, I hope this was helpful.

(33:40):
And please feel free to reachout to me with any thoughts or
questions you can go hit mywebsite Maneely consulting.com.
Thank you for listening to thispodcast. If you want to listen
to more or find more informationout about this podcast and more
of what I do to help familiesyou can go check out my page at
unbreakable boundariespodcast.com It's full of other

(34:00):
great podcasts just like thisone and other great resources to
look through. You can also checkout my main website which is
Maneely consulting.com. AndNeely is spelled ma N e L ey
consulting.com. You can also seeall the other things that I do
to help families that have lovedones with substance abuse
issues. And please remember toshare this podcast with others.

(34:21):
You never know who may need tohear this people are often
hiding their battles in thisarena. And sharing is a great
way to provide this valuableresource to a person you may not
even know who needs it. Anddon't forget there is always
hope even when things seem themost hopeless