E98 - The UC Playbook: Constructive Feedback and Authenticity

Get ready to shift your perception of feedback, authenticity and vulnerability with our special guest, master questionator and construction mind shifter, Jesse Hernandez! Ever wondered how constructive criticism can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth and improvement? We bring into focus these overlooked aspects of communication, offering you a fresh perspective on how to become a more effective communicator.

In our conversation with Jesse, we delve into the importance of feedback, dissecting effective methods of delivering it with precision, balance and timeliness. However, that's only half the journey. We also discuss in detail the art of receiving feedback, shedding light on how open-mindedness, emotional neutrality, and active questioning can enhance self-reflection and foster a sense of gratitude. Furthermore, we explore authenticity and vulnerability, and how sharing our mistakes can create deeper connections by making others feel less alone. We invite you to join us as we navigate the path to self-improvement and understanding, learning how these elements can contribute to your personal and professional growth. Don't miss out on this enlightening conversation!

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Episode Transcript

The Uncommon Communicator (00:00):
You want to talk right down to us
and elanguishes.
Everybody here can easilyunderstand.
What we got here is a failureto communicate.

(00:21):
Welcome to the Uncommon TVCanada Podcast, where we are
here to bring enlightenment tothe topic of communication.
In this week's playbook, we'regoing to be discussing last
week's episode, which was andhad Jesse Hernandez, master
questionator and constructionmind shifter.
We had him on the show and wetalked about becoming the

(00:43):
promise you were intended to be,the book that he wrote.
It's a second.
First book.
There were so many topics thatwe dove into, and dove into
pretty deep, but there's acouple of them that we're going
to talk about today and dive ina little bit deeper on so we
have a better understanding of,and we can better prepare, our
conversations.
Now, two things that stuck outfor this episode that's
important for us listeners andalso communicators, was feedback

(01:07):
.
He touched on that briefly andthen vulnerability and
authenticity.
Now Jesse said and this wasjust.
I hope everybody had heard it,let's hear it again, though
Jesse says that he wants goodcriticism.
We all do right.
Give us some good feedback,tell us what we're doing well.
He'll take bad criticism, youknow, even if it comes across

(01:27):
bad, it's something.
But worst of all for him isnothing, and for a lot of us
self-developers, people thatreally want to improve ourselves
, we're looking for thatfeedback and, oddly enough, it
can be hard to find.
Some people give it out.
Way too often you would thinkbut you don't anymore.
Not in this world, not today.
It doesn't seem that way thatwe get really great feedback on

(01:51):
things that can help us improve.
A lot of times we're beingreally sensitive to other
people's feelings or needs andnot building that relationship
of feedback, because feedback isa loop and it's also ingrained
in a relationship being able totake feedback from people and
really grow and learn from itand Jesse is one of those people

(02:12):
he wants to hear something isbetter than nothing, and I'm in
the same boat with him as welltoo.
You know great job here andthere.
We love to hear it.
We love to have our ego kind ofboosted up a little bit.
But what we also want to hearis hey, you're doing this, if
you improve this, you can bebetter Things that we're just

(02:33):
doing wrong, sometimesunintentionally.
We don't even know that we'redoing.
So in today's episode, we'regoing to talk about feedback and
we're going to touch a littlebit on vulnerability and
authenticity.
Now, jumping into feedback,there's some right ways and some
wrong ways to do it, but I'mgoing to give you four top ways
to give feedback.
I'm going to talk about givingit and then also how to receive

(02:53):
it, because that is a skill aswell.
Now, one important thing whengiving feedback and there's four
of them be specific, focus onbehavior and be timely about it
and use this balanced approach.
And what do I mean by that?
Let's be specific, be clear, beconcise, be specific to the
situation.
Don't be vague and it's likeyou know you're kind of annoying

(03:15):
.
That's not good feedback.
What is annoying?
You know you're always pickingyour nose whenever I'm talking
to you.
Maybe that's a conversationthat needs to have.
That's beyond just beingannoying.
But be very specific and avoidkind of general statements.
So being specific is really akey in feedback, especially if
somebody's asking for it.

(03:35):
What I?
A lot of times, if I'm givenspeeches, I'll ask for specific
feedback on something that I'mworking on, whether it's how I'm
standing, my stage presence oryou know how I enter or leave a
room.
Whatever it is in thatparticular day that I really
want to improve on, I'll asksomebody to really look at that
with a deeper eye and then, whenyou do that and you ask for

(03:56):
those types of specificfeedbacks, that person can help
you better hone that in.
The other thing is to reallyfocus on behavior, not the
person.
You don't want to dive intothem specifically on personal
traits or characteristics, butit could be on a behavior or an
action.
The next one is be timely aboutit, and this in some cases and

(04:19):
it might be when you're a leaderof somebody when things happen,
it's important to bring them up.
The last thing in the worldthat you want to do is say you
know, hey, this has been buggingme for 20 years.
Why don't you change that?
Timely is very important and alot of times when opportunities
are missed and that behavior isgoing on, then you missed the

(04:41):
opportunity for that person toreally understand what it was.
They may not even remember itbecause they oftentimes and
sometimes don't know thatthey're even doing it.
And the last one is to use abalanced approach.
In this case, I would say thesandwich method isn't always the
best method.
And what is the sandwich method?
A lot of times we're taught thatyou know, give something good

(05:03):
and then bring in, say thatcorrective action, or let's just
call it a negative thing, andthen finish it with something
good.
You know, creating thatcompliment sandwich.
It's really not a bad approach,but sometimes and especially
depending on your relationshipsyou do this too much.
People start to recognize thefluff, because sometimes you
have to find the fluff to findthe good thing, and so they

(05:27):
ignore what's coming next, orthey are cringing, maybe in
preparation for that bad news.
So what I like to do is startright with it.
Hey, these are the things thatyou need to improve on, and then
end with the good things, and agreat way to add to that is to
say here's this particular thingyou're working on.
You improve this, you're gonnaget to here.

(05:48):
Kind of show them the path ofthis feedback that's gonna not
only improve what they're doing,but add to the other good
things that you then point outthat they are doing.
So giving feedback can be tough, but remember to be specific,
focus on behavior, be timelywith it and use a balanced

(06:09):
approach.
Now receiving feedback, you haveto be open-minded.
So there are really five thingsthat I'm gonna talk about today
in regards to receivingfeedback, and the number one
thing is to have an open mind.
Are you ready to receivefeedback?
And if you're not, why aren'tyou?
You have to develop awillingness to really be ready

(06:30):
to receive it and want it.
There are people in that modeall the time and there are
plenty of people who are notopen-minded to it.
So if you're gonna get the mostout of it, be open-minded.
And another thing is to setaside personal emotions.
You can't take it too personal.
One thing that I had heard isif somebody comes up with you

(06:53):
and even if they do it wrongwith a critique or say they're
talking bad about you, a lot oftimes there's truth in it and
that truth is what lets ouremotions get in there and we
don't accept it from thelistener.
When you hear those things andyou can change your mindset to
say, okay, there is some truthto this, I'm going to accept it.
You're going to improve 10-foldwhen you can put aside those

(07:17):
emotions and know that there's alittle bit of truth in it.
The next step is in receivingfeedback is ask questions.
It's fine to ask clarifyingdetails If somebody is being
vulnerable enough to offer yousome feedback, because sometimes
feedback can put a relationshipin a bad spot because it may

(07:39):
hinder the friendship, knowingthat you're giving some stuff
that that individual isn'treally wanting to hear.
But ask questions and maybedive a little bit deeper into
what is behind that feedback.
Then you can really find theunderlying reasons and why
they're bringing you thatfeedback as well too.
The next step is to really beself-reflective.

(08:01):
Before receiving feedback, it'soften good to kind of reflect
on your own performance, andwhen you're doing that, you're
also.
Sometimes we put ourselves in anegative mindset, and that's
why our feedback can come in andguide us to the positive side
as well.
But also, if we think so highlyof ourselves, sometimes that

(08:23):
negative feedback comes in andit's hard to receive because
we're not receiving it, becausewe're already at the mindset
like, well, I was perfectly finebefore, I didn't ask you for
your opinion.
But be self-reflective and knowthat there may be a bit of
truth that's worded in that andthen finally show some gratitude

(08:43):
.
This person did step out and,as I said before, maybe they're
a little vulnerable and wantedto create that relationship with
you.
I encourage you to have themwhere they're already there,
where you can receive feedbackopen from somebody.
But those aren't always howthose relationships start.
So show some gratitude, thankthem for it.
That's the best thing you cando.

(09:04):
You certainly don't wannadefend anything.
Just thank them and then moveon.
So that's how to give feedback.
That's how to receive feedback.
The next thing that Jesse reallyjumped into was talking about
authenticity and vulnerability.
I hear a lot this be yourauthentic self.
What does that really mean?

(09:25):
In some ways, I've heard italmost robotic style, like they
know that that's the words thatthey should say.
But what does it really mean?
Well, there's three things.
I'll pick three things.
Being this type of authenticityis let me back up to be your

(09:46):
authentic self can mean a lot ofthings.
Three things that I think itreally means the most is being
self-aware.
You have to understand your ownthoughts, your feelings, your
motivations.
These are all fundamental partsof authenticity.
The next thing is really honesty, and that means being authentic
, means speaking your truth andnot pretending to be someone

(10:10):
that you're not.
You have to bring in a level ofhonesty.
You can't be your authenticself when you're repeating what
you think that person wants tohear, or if you're repeating
what you think other peoplethink you should be saying.
But it's about bringing honestyinto that situation.
And the last thing I think isone of the most important is

(10:30):
self-expression.
True authenticity allows you toexpress yourself, your
creativity, your passions, allyour interests, in a way that
resonate with you.
People know it, people can feelit, and you're not gonna just
conform to societal modes, whatpeople expect of you, what
people think of you, butself-expression and being

(10:51):
authentic can also be steppingout of maybe that box that
you've put yourself in.
To really be authentic is tolet yourself go in front of
people that you would only do,say, in a smaller, more
authentic way, group.
But being that authentic, yourauthentic self, those are things

(11:12):
that come about from being selfaware, being honest and being
able to show your ownself-expression.
When we talk about vulnerability, I will leave and defer that
one to the experts.
Follow Jesse.
You're going to get a whole lotbetter if you listen to what he
has to say with it.
I am by no means any expert inthe area of vulnerability, but I

(11:34):
know, as I've dabbled into itand looked at, the value and the
benefit that comes fromvulnerability.
Jesse was able to practice hisvulnerability through the
12-step program, through goingto these meetings where you're
often expressing all the kind ofstupid things that you've done.
As he worded that, that's whereit starts.

(11:55):
He didn't even know that that'swhat vulnerability was, but it
was about being able to sharethe stupid things that you did
so others can know that they'renot alone.
So, understanding that as abasis of vulnerability I can
grasp in on that one.
I might not delve deeply intoall deep feelings, but I can
talk about the things that Imessed up on so others can learn

(12:18):
from it.
So, authenticity, vulnerabilitythey're very much tied together
.
So, with this week's UC moment,well, now let's back up With
this week's UC playbook.
We're going to talk about wherewe talked about feedback and
then we talked aboutauthenticity and vulnerability.

(12:39):
Just a quick recap on feedbackBe specific, focus on behavior,
be timely and use a balancedapproach.
Next, to receive feedback, beopen-minded, set aside all your
emotions, ask questions, beself-reflective and show some
gratitude.
And then, on the authenticityand vulnerability side, you

(13:00):
really need to be self-aware,honest with yourself and be free
to self-express yourself.
That's all I've got for today.
The UC moment is to reallyreceive and grow from feedback.
You need to come from a placeof authenticity and
vulnerability.
Say that one more time Toreally receive and grow from

(13:22):
feedback.
You need to come from a placeof authenticity and
vulnerability, and that's all wegot for today.
See you, thank you.