As leaders, we plan everythingโour business strategy, our goals, our growth.
๐๐ฎ๐ญ ๐ฐ๐ก๐๐ง ๐ข๐ญ ๐๐จ๐ฆ๐๐ฌ ๐ญ๐จ ๐ฆ๐๐ซ๐ซ๐ข๐๐ ๐? ๐๐จ๐ฌ๐ญ ๐จ๐ ๐ฎ๐ฌ ๐๐ซ๐ ๐ฃ๐ฎ๐ฌ๐ญ ๐ฐ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ข๐ญ.
In this episode of ๐๐ก๐ ๐๐ง๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐จ๐ง ๐๐๐๐๐๐ซ ๐๐จ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ญ, Iโm joined by ๐๐๐๐ซ๐ข๐๐ฅ๐ ๐๐ฆ๐๐จ๐ง, a chemical engineer turned relationship coach and author of ๐๐๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ ๐๐จ๐ฐ๐๐ซ ๐๐จ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฅ๐.
Sheโs taken the same mindset that drives success in business and applied it to relationshipsโ๐ก๐๐ฅ๐ฉ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ก๐ข๐ ๐ก-๐ฉ๐๐ซ๐๐จ๐ซ๐ฆ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ฉ๐ซ๐จ๐๐๐ฌ๐ฌ๐ข๐จ๐ง๐๐ฅ๐ฌ ๐๐ฎ๐ข๐ฅ๐ ๐ฆ๐๐ซ๐ซ๐ข๐๐ ๐๐ฌ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ญ ๐๐ซ๐ ๐ข๐ง๐ญ๐๐ง๐ญ๐ข๐จ๐ง๐๐ฅ, ๐ซ๐๐ฌ๐ข๐ฅ๐ข๐๐ง๐ญ, ๐๐ง๐ ๐๐๐๐ฉ๐ฅ๐ฒ ๐๐จ๐ง๐ง๐๐๐ญ๐๐.
We dive into her ๐ ๐๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ๐๐ซ๐ฌ ๐จ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐ง๐๐๐ซ๐ฒ ๐๐๐ซ๐ซ๐ข๐๐ ๐, the idea of creating a Marriage Constitution, and why the strongest leaders are the ones who lead well at home.
๐ก ๐๐ก๐๐ญ ๐๐จ๐ฎ'๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐๐๐๐ซ๐ง:
โ๏ธ Why love alone isnโt enoughโand what is
โ๏ธ The surprising connection between leadership and intimacy
โ๏ธ How to create a shared vision and structure for your marriage
โ๏ธ The โMe Pillarโโand why self-leadership comes first
โ๏ธ Rituals and habits that build emotional safety and long-term connection
๐๐ก๐๐ญ๐ก๐๐ซ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ'๐ซ๐ ๐ฅ๐๐๐๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ ๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ฉ๐๐ง๐ฒ, ๐ ๐ญ๐๐๐ฆ, ๐จ๐ซ ๐ฃ๐ฎ๐ฌ๐ญ ๐ญ๐ซ๐ฒ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐จ ๐ฅ๐๐๐ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ๐ฌ๐๐ฅ๐ ๐ฐ๐๐ฅ๐ฅโ๐ญ๐ก๐ข๐ฌ ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ฌ๐จ๐๐ ๐ฐ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐๐ก๐๐ฅ๐ฅ๐๐ง๐ ๐ ๐๐ง๐ ๐ข๐ง๐ฌ๐ฉ๐ข๐ซ๐ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ญ๐จ ๐ฅ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ญ๐ญ๐๐ซ ๐ข๐ง ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐ฆ๐จ๐ฌ๐ญ ๐ข๐ฆ๐ฉ๐จ๐ซ๐ญ๐๐ง๐ญ ๐ซ๐๐ฅ๐๐ญ๐ข๐จ๐ง๐ฌ๐ก๐ข๐ฉ.
๐ Want to go deeper?
๐๐จ๐จ๐ค ๐ ๐ ๐๐๐ 1:1 Leadership Coaching Call with me here:
๐ https://coachjohngallagher.com/freecall
๐๐ฑ๐ฉ๐ฅ๐จ๐ซ๐ ๐ฆ๐จ๐ซ๐ ๐ฅ๐๐๐๐๐ซ๐ฌ๐ก๐ข๐ฉ ๐ญ๐จ๐จ๐ฅ๐ฌ ๐๐ง๐ ๐ข๐ง๐ฌ๐ข๐ ๐ก๐ญ๐ฌ ๐๐ญ:
๐ Website โ https://coachjohngallagher.com
๐ YouTube โ https://youtu.be/lTi1wHgx1Gs
๐ All Johnโs links: https://linktr.ee/coachjohngallagher
๐ค ๐๐จ๐ง๐ง๐๐๐ญ ๐ฐ๐ข๐ญ๐ก ๐๐๐๐ซ๐ข๐๐ฅ๐ ๐๐ฆ๐๐จ๐ง:
๐ Website โ https://gabrielaembon.com
๐ Book โ Becoming a Power Couple on Amazon โ https://gabrielaembon.com/book/ย
๐ฒ Instagram โ https://www.instagram.com/gabrielaembon ย
๐ข If this episode helped you think differently about how you lead at home, ๐๐๐๐, ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐, ๐๐ง๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ข๐ญ ๐ฐ๐ข๐ญ๐ก ๐๐ง๐จ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ซ ๐ฅ๐๐๐๐๐ซ ๐ฐ๐ก๐จ ๐ง๐๐๐๐ฌ ๐ญ๐จ ๐ก๐๐๐ซ ๐ข๐ญ.
#TheUncommonLeaderPodcast #CoachJohnGallagher #PowerCouple #LeadershipAtHome #EmotionalIntelligence #RelationshipLeadership #MarriageFramework #ExecutiveCoaching #PersonalGrowthย
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So you don't need to wait for retirement to elevate
your relationship, okay, becauseotherwise you end up without a
career and without arelationship.
The most important relationshipis at home.
It's the one that stays in thehighest and the lowest and gives
you the strength for you to goand live your full potential and
be of service and be the bestleader that you can be, best
(00:23):
leader that you have.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hey, uncommon Leaders , welcome back.
This is the Uncommon Leaderpodcast.
I'm your host, john Gallagher,and I certainly have an uncommon
guest for you.
Today we're going to tackle atopic that's absolutely
foundational to everything elsethat we do our most important
relationships and specificallywe are going to talk about
marriage.
Our guest has a fascinatingbackground.
(00:49):
She's a chemical engineerturned life engineer, and she's
going to share her story abouther book Becoming a Power Couple
Four Pillars to EngineerLegendary Marriages.
She's also the host of the LifeEngineering Podcast and she is
(01:11):
epic with her story.
I've heard it being told before, so you're going to learn a
bunch those of you don't worryabout, even if you're married.
This is a way to buildrelationships in your life that
can have an impact in your workas well and help you to become
that uncommon leader.
So get ready to learn how thatintentionality and strategic
thinking that you can apply toyour business can also apply to
the relationships and the vitalconnections that you have.
Gabrielle Lambon, welcome tothe Uncommon Leader Podcast.
(01:32):
How are you today?
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Thank you, John.
I'm wonderful and excited toconverse with you.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
It's going to be an awesome conversation, so I am
looking forward to it as well.
But let's jump right into thefirst question I always ask my
first-time guests, and that's toshare a story with the
listeners from your childhoodthat still impacts who you are
today, as a person or as aleader.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Yes.
So you gave me a heads-up withthat question, so I'm coming now
prepared.
The story takes me back toArgentina.
So my childhood and I was in myfirst year of high school and I
was a very good student.
I was always very academic.
What I was not was sporty.
(02:15):
And in gym class in the firstyear of high school we had to
run over.
We had to do the run overhurdle race.
So we had to run.
I just couldn't do it.
Every time I would, I could run, but every time I would
approach the hurdle I wouldfreeze.
I was petrified of being in theair.
(02:37):
Just the thought of what if Ifall right.
So I decided to negotiate withmy teacher and I said I'll do
whatever you want.
I'll run as much as you want.
I'll play whatever you want.
I can't do that.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I just can't.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
And he said this is very simple, gabriela If you
don't do it, I'll fail you andyou will have to retire.
So I'm so grateful for thatteacher because I had no choice
but to actually practice and forweeks I would approach the
hurdle and freeze and then Iwould go in bed to let me off
(03:20):
the hook and he would be verypersistent.
You don't do this, I fail.
You now imagine failing thefirst year of high school, when
you have very high grades, justbecause gym class right, but
this was beyond gym class, asyou can imagine.
This was about, uh, not givingup.
(03:41):
So of course I practice,practice and I remember
preparing myself, starting toresearch.
How can I prepare myselfmentally?
How can I work on my mind?
And you know, sure I was ableto do it and I remember the
relief.
This wasn't about I'm not goingto repeat the year that wasn't
the relief.
(04:02):
It was about overcomingsomething that I thought I can't
and I'm grateful he didn't giveup on me and taught me not to
give up on myself, and thatplayed a huge role when I
started my business.
I don't even remember the nameof the teacher, but I will never
forget him.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
I love that story and overcoming, overcoming fear,
overcoming challenge and workingyour way through that, but also
having that person in your lifewho helps you to overcome that,
hold you high and make surethat you grow.
Love that as a story and Iappreciate that, and I know that
you've had to overcome manythings as well.
After reading your book andunderstanding what's happening,
(04:45):
look, we share a common titleand that is of engineer.
You're a chemical engineer, I'ma mechanical engineer.
I never would have thought oftrying to make my way into
chemical engineering.
I mean, speaking of hurdles,those class titles of chemistry
and all those different thingsjust were like hurdles to me
that I was unable to overcome.
(05:06):
So I stuck with the mechanicalside and what that meant.
But, regardless, many of usengineers aren't necessarily
correlated with relationshipsand being good at relationships.
You've gone from chemicalengineer early in your career to
a life engineer ofrelationships.
You've gone from chemicalengineer early in your career to
(05:27):
a life engineer ofrelationships.
Talk to me a little bit aboutthat journey.
Tell me about how you got towhere you are today with regards
to being a life engineer andreally focusing on couples and
powerful marriages.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
So in my last job as an engineer, which was in
semiconductors, working forIntel, a new pattern emerged in
me.
I had to train.
You know, intel is such afascinating country.
They have what we call Intel UIntel University on-site, and we
do a lot of training besidesour work as process engineers,
(06:03):
and I discovered that I wasquite good, actually, okay, that
was why I was very good attraining.
I was so good at training thatwhen I went to maternity leave
with my first child, the personthat replaced me was not another
engineer but one of mytechnicians, because I have
trained him so well and Istarted getting a lot of
(06:25):
feedback on my ability to trainand empower people to step up.
After eight years in the field,I realized that I have
everything, but I'm not happyand I was very satisfied with
life because I was misaligningmy career.
Very dissatisfied with lifebecause I was misaligning my
(06:49):
career.
And that's when I started goingthrough the soul searching.
Initially I thought I was goingto become a science teacher and
I registered at McGillUniversity in Montreal to do
that, and then I realized thatmy calling was to become was to
become a coach.
One of my friends said youshould become a coach, and you
know what it was.
I researched and I found thatwas uh, that was it, it reminded
(07:13):
, chose to study engineering.
I also was divided betweengoing for psychology or
engineering, which is verydifferent, and for very reasons,
plus my love for science, Ichose engineering.
So that led me to certify as acoach and start coaching.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
I love that Again as that story and recognizing some
of the gifts that you've beengiven and being able to do that
and then having others recognizethose gifts in you.
I think it's a journey that I'vetaken as well.
It was very early in my careerthat I moved from engineer to
leader and that was somethingthat folks that, as I talked
(07:55):
with them, as I worked with them, I found myself more fulfilled
working with them on therelationship side than I did on
the engineering side.
But the fact is we had to do somuch just to get through
engineering school and learningthe discipline of that and the
process mindset and really thatleads into the book and what's
(08:15):
very unique is still approachingrelationships with the process
mindset that it takes to be anengineer.
So you authored last year youauthored the book becoming a
power couple and you can see howmuch I like it by the sticky
notes that are in there forpillars to engineer legendary
marriages, like when you write abook and invest the time in
(08:37):
that.
There's something really goodin that.
Why did you choose to write thebook and who did you write it
for?
Speaker 1 (08:45):
So I was saying that when I was working with leaders
and professionals, I sawsomething that I couldn't ignore
.
When the conversation shiftedto home life, to relationships,
their voice shifted too.
It's almost as their confidencedipped, and I could see that
(09:10):
there was even a hidden regretor shame, and it really broke my
heart, because these are thevery people that deserve to lead
and feel fulfilled in all areasof their lives.
I started realizing that when Iasked.
The more I asked, the more Irealized people didn't have a
good model and they also wererelying on love as a strategy.
(09:32):
Love is not a strategy.
There was no model on how toengineer a relationship, and
that's when I said wait a second.
I was working with couples aswell, but I was also working
with individuals and teachingthem how to do marriage, and
after a few couples said youchange our lives, we no longer
(09:54):
want to divorce.
I had a couple who were about atthe verge of divorce and then
now, today, they have a family,they decided to have children.
I said it's time to write thebook where I talk about what are
the best practices to build apower couple synergy now, and
(10:19):
this book was written from aninformation perspective.
This is that I studied thiscontent, studied with experts in
the field, but also my ownexperience, right Because I've
been married for 27 years.
My parents were great rolemodels, my grandparents were
great role models.
(10:40):
Model my grandparents weregreat role models.
So I felt that, yes, beyond allthe knowledge that I have from
my trainings, I'm bringing itwas almost like a tribute to my,
to my family, to write thisbook and I felt it was like I
just just having these sessionsto realized that people were
(11:00):
doing all the wrong things and,again, everybody has the right
to do marriage their own way.
The way they were approachingit was creating this connection
rather than connection, and Ibelieve in that so much that it
hurt me, it broke my heart,because I know what's possible
well, I know you shared some ofthe data inside the books.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
It's pretty amazing Almost today, almost half of
marriages first marriages endedin a divorce 40 to 50%.
And it's even higher divorcerate 60 to 70% for second or
marriages or beyond, and so thatdata in and of itself says
there's both a need but also ahope, absolutely In terms of
(11:46):
what you're doing with regardsto making an impact one power
couple at a time.
So let's start there.
What is the definition of apower couple?
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Yeah.
So a power couple is a couplewho has overcome the second
place of the marriage usually isthe struggling place and
because they have overcome that,they have invested and
committed.
Now they share this powercouple synergy.
(12:18):
And what characterized thepower couple synergy is that
this part was bigger than youknow.
It's bigger than the unity ofthe couple is bigger than the
sum of the two parts.
So power couples usually feelthey can accomplish a lot
(12:40):
together.
They support each other, theyhave a common vision, they feel
that they are each other's bestfriend or favorite person.
And the sweetest feeling of thepower couple is that they don't
worry about the relationship.
They show up, they still dowhat needs to be done, they have
(13:00):
fun together, they go throughstruggles together.
They go through conflictwithout fear, without the
uncertainty.
So no matter what you're goingthrough, you have this certainty
in the relationship.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
Yeah, I love that.
I had to test your engineeringschool for just a minute because
you touched on that unity, thatsome of the parts is greater
than the individuals.
One plus one is not equal to,you said inside the book one
plus one equals 10.
I'm like that almost soundslike industrial engineer math,
because we used to tease them asthe mechanic or, excuse me, as
(13:34):
the imaginary engineers.
The IEs were the imaginaryengineers.
We tease them.
But your point about when itcomes together, it creates
something more powerful insideand you've created a model.
Now I want to talk about thisbecause I think this is where
even some couples who may not beengineers sort of try and stand
(13:56):
up against it.
If you're trying to get mymarriage into this process, into
this model, into this standard,aren't you trying to make me
robots and then we'll lose thefreedom and energy inside of our
marriage?
So look, I know you have to runinto that sometimes.
(14:18):
How do you overcome thatbarrier?
With regards to, I'm going toteach you a model as to how
you're going to improve yourmarriage and what that looks
like.
What are the barriers that yousee with the couples you work
with?
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Couples that I work with are happy to have the
guidance because they feelthey're struggling.
But if a couple comes, they aretrying to put my relationship
into a structure, a model, ablueprint.
It doesn't work that way.
I said, well, try it, or how isit going for you right now?
If it's great, then you don'tneed it, but if it's not great,
(14:53):
you might want to try somethingelse.
How's that working for you?
The thing with marriage is thatthe most common belief is that
love is a strategy and that themoment you got married, that's
it.
It's done Right.
But you know, as anentrepreneur yourself, that you
(15:15):
wouldn't start a business andstop investing or planning after
the launch.
You wouldn't launch a newproduct and never check its
performance.
So marriage is not a statusthat we are acquiring on our
wedding day.
It's actually a process.
(15:35):
It's not something we are.
It's something we do activelyand commit.
And when I say love is not astrategy, that commitment that
I'm talking about is not fueledby love.
It's fueled by intention, andintention means that you will
show up and commit, even thedays you don't feel like it, and
(16:00):
you will have some framework touse to create what you need to
create, because on days that youfeel the love that you have for
each other, you might say Idon't need a framework.
But what happens on days youdon't right?
We want to make sure you don'tdisconnect on those days.
(16:20):
We don't want to make sure thatthe relationship doesn on those
days, we don't make sure thatthe relationship doesn't erode.
That's why we need a framework.
In fact, talking about the word,the word rituals, the framework
offers rituals and bestpractices for each pillar.
There are four pillars.
Each pillar has its bestpractices and rituals.
(16:41):
We, as humans, always performrituals because rituals are the
way of saying this is important,this matters, this has meaning,
right?
So this is what I would say tosomebody who is doubting or
(17:03):
asking why are you talking aboutframeworks when it comes to
relationships?
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Hey, uncommon Leaders , hope you're enjoying the
episode so far.
I believe in doing businesswith people you like and trust,
and not just a company name.
That's why a strong personalbrand is essential, whether
you're an entrepreneur or aleader within a company.
Brand Builders Group, the folkswho have been helping me refine
my own personal brand areoffering a free consultation
call with one of their expertbrand strategists.
They'll help you identify youruniqueness, craft a compelling
(17:27):
story and develop a step-by-stepplan to elevate your impact.
So head on over tocoachjohngallaghercom slash BBG,
as in Brand Builders Group, toschedule your free call and take
the first step toward buildinga personal brand that gets you
noticed for all the rightreasons.
That's coachjohngallaghercomslash BBG.
Now let's get back to theepisode.
So so good, because you hit thenail right on the head.
(17:49):
We'll put plans in place forour fitness.
We'll put these exerciseroutines, we'll go and find a
trainer, we'll do three days perweek and so many repetitions
for our business To your point.
We put in a plan, we carry outthat strategy through deploying
it and initiatives.
Why wouldn't we use the samerigor and intentionality in our
(18:11):
relationships Again, whetherthey're our marriages, our
friendships or those that wework with at work and I loved
your quote as you startedtalking about that.
With commitment, engineers getit.
The more dedication we put intoa process, the better the yield
and the quality.
So when we call marriage aprocess, that is frankly what it
is.
(18:31):
But if we put energy into it,it's going to improve on a
regular basis.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
John, we do personal development, business
development, career development,but without the marriage
development.
And then we have the numbers.
So when I ask society, how'sthat working for you without
having a framework, that's allgood.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
I love that.
How's that working for you?
I love that question.
So how's that working for youright now?
And again, when they're comingto you, which is really good,
they're coming to you with aproblem, which is really good.
They're coming to you with aproblem and, as a coach, it's
hard to say this is awesomebecause I need you to come to me
in terms of my business model,but what it really is, it's
awesome that you recognize thatI need help to get that to
(19:14):
improve.
So you mentioned your framework, you talked about the four
pillars, but you start with ajourney that I think is powerful
.
With regards to that reason foraction, or call for action, you
call it the Constitution.
Tell me about the MarriageConstitution that you kick
things off with your clients.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
So the Marriage Constitution is a conversation
that you have with your partnerabout the deal breakers, about
the things you will not tolerate, and why is this important?
You know you have a spec whenyou produce a product.
When you manufacture a product,you have a spec right.
(19:52):
So you need a spec for yourrelationships because we come
from different backgrounds andsomebody might say, no, I marry
the kid from the family nextdoor.
We come from the same culturethis, yeah but you come from
different families and everyfamily, even if you come from
the different culture, from thesame culture, same religion,
(20:15):
same everything you come from adifferent family and every
family has their rules.
So what might be accept,acceptable for you, might be a
no-no for your partner.
I'll give you a few examples.
Okay, in my family, callingnames like you're stupid, you're
(20:36):
dumb, was always a no-no I'venever heard my parents use that
language In someone else'sfamily.
That might be stupid.
What's the problem to saystupid, there's nothing wrong
with that?
In my home when I learned thatyou never leave, so even if my
parents had an argument, I neversaw one of my parents sleeping
(21:00):
on the couch.
So when I got married, I toldmy husband nobody sleeping on
the couch.
So when I got married, I toldmy husband nobody sleeps on the
couch.
I don't care how angry we arewith each other, never leave the
bed and the bedroom, becausethe bedroom is the sanctuary of
the marriage.
And no-no for me was smoking.
So yes, when I met my husband,he was not a smoker, but if he
ever decided that he was goingto start smoking, he knew that's
(21:25):
a deal breaker for me.
So these are the things that areimportant to talk.
First of all, so the other onedoesn't say I didn't know, you
know.
And secondly, this opens anopportunity for deeper
connection, because if eachpartner does their own list and
(21:47):
then you sit together and youtalk about, you share.
This is an opportunity to sharewhy.
So, if you're having a list, Iwill never accept you being a
drinker.
Ok, you might say, well, youknow, know.
Growing up I saw my fatherdrinking and that truly
devastated my mother.
There's no way I'm going tomarry somebody who's a drinker,
(22:09):
I don't know.
Everybody has their story.
So this allows you to explainyourself why this is important,
where you're coming from, andlearn each other, go deeper in
your understanding of yourpartner, where they come from,
what's important for them, whatreally matters to them.
So this is what theConstitution is it's an
(22:31):
opportunity for deeperconnection, but also to make
sure that we don't say, oh, Ididn't know, that was a no-no.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
It's so powerful and frankly, as you say, when
couples are coming to you,they're married already and
they're having challenges.
That's an important time to putthat constitution in place.
What I'm also hearing is, evenin that planning phase, that
design phase, if you will, of amarriage prior to marriage,
having this constitution inplace before you even get
married and say, hey, these aredeal breakers for me early on.
(23:01):
So before we go forward, let'smake sure we understand those
and make those happen.
I can see where it can bepreemptive and help with some of
that percentage that we talkedabout with regards to almost
half of marriages, half of firstmarriages, ending in divorce
and having an impact.
I can really see the power inthat, Gabriella, Absolutely, and
(23:21):
I appreciate you sharing.
So let's talk about that.
I mean again, you move from theconstitution then as really as
a solution, uh, to overcomebarriers later on in the journey
that may occur.
And then you talk about thesefour pillars me, you, ours and
us.
We don't have time to talkabout all four of those pillars,
but I want to talk a little bitabout the me pillar.
(23:41):
I'm selfish and let's go aheadand go to me and that's the
first one that you list as apillar is me.
Why me first in this journeyand tell me about that pillar.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
Well, I can't build a safe and powerful relationship
with somebody who doesn't takecare of me.
It's as simple as that.
A power couple is the unionbetween two power individuals.
The me is all aboutresponsibility and
(24:13):
accountability for myself, formy own happiness.
It's self-awareness, personaldevelopment.
Nobody wants to marry a victim.
Nobody wants to marry somebodythat all they do is blame other
people, expect other people tobe happy, to make them happy.
So the me is all aboutself-awareness, not outsourcing
(24:35):
your happiness to your partner.
But when you aren't happy, whyis that?
I had to do a career change.
I also brought into ourrelationship a lot of baggage
that I needed to work on.
So you have two options.
When you pass the honeymoonphase, you start triggering each
other, which you will okay,unless you are not connected
enough.
(24:55):
You will.
Now you have two options do Iblame my partner and expect them
to change, or do I use this asan opportunity to work on myself
and my own, healing my ownpersonal development?
So this is what the me is allabout truly Becoming the best
version of yourself so you canbe the best also in this
(25:18):
relationship, and not using yourpartner as a punching bag.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
So good, and again you started right off.
Nobody wants to marry thatvictim, the one who's always
blaming others or behaves like avictim, but they want to marry
someone who's going to takeresponsibility for their own
changes.
You know, the traditionalcliche is you know, when the
oxygen mask falls in theairplane, put yours on first,
(25:45):
before you can help others.
But that's really true in thatself-care is not really selfish.
Self-care is very important.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Right.
Victimhood is not sexy.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
Not at all.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Self-empowerment is very attractive.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Love that I could talk about these techniques all
day.
It's a process.
It's the engineer in me thatloves the disciplines and
actions and folks.
The book is full of ideas aboutmaking improvements in all four
of those spaces me, you, oursand us.
As we look forward to it, I'mcurious, gabriella do you have a
story of one that you've workedwith?
(26:22):
You don't have to, obviously,share any names or anything else
, but one that you're most proudof with regards to who you
helped in that journey and whatthe outcome was working with you
.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
The reason I don't like that question is because
there are, thank God, many, manysuccessful stories, but I
mentioned the one that I wasreferring to earlier.
This couple came to me, theyhad no children and they were at
the verge of divorce, and theyalso come from very different
cultures and religions, and Icould see that they love each
(26:59):
other.
You know one thing that isbeautiful you can perceive a
couple's energy and I saw thatthey love each other, but each
one of them has their own issuesand they're projecting on each
other and just don't know,because they come from such
different cultures, you havedifferent standards to you,
(27:22):
standards to how to do marriage.
So I work with them as a coupleindividually also, which we do
that, and actually theirtestimonial is on my website.
And today, not only they arehappily married, they also
started a family, which I findto be beautiful.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Love that and again, especially when you can know
someone was on the path todivorce and be able to provide
them the support they need tomake that change in their life.
And look, I think there'sintervention beyond as a man of
faith.
There's intervention that hasto come into play there with
regards to their spiritual side,and you talk about that in your
(28:09):
book as well a little bit.
So I think that's veryimportant.
I always love when I read that.
The first thing I read when I'mlooking at guests is I read the
intro and I read theconclusions and the
acknowledgements, the very lastpage in your book.
Outside of her professionalpursuits, gabriella cherishes
weekly date nights with herhusband of 26 years, spending
(28:31):
leisure time with her threeextraordinary children and
cuddling their beloved goldenretriever.
Tell me one or two other habitsthat you have that keep you and
your husband together as apower couple um, we cuddle in
the morning.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
That's a big one when we wake up.
Unless you know, one is out ofbed earlier, but normally you
know what I just said we get upat the same time.
We cuddle in the morning andthat physical connection creates
emotional connection, makes youfeel you're in this together,
so you start your day feelingstronger.
And the other thing that I findit extremely important is, uh,
(29:18):
we say goodbye.
When, when we say goodbye inthe morning, we walk each other
to the door, whoever is leaving,and we kiss each other, I will
never be in the kitchen and saybye and hear him from the door
bye, I'm leaving.
That doesn't not even with ourchildren, by the way, and it's
cute because our dog, she, tookon this ritual, so every time
(29:42):
somebody leaves the house shewill go to the door and wait for
them, and the moment the carleaves she turns around and goes
back.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
That's great so cute.
Speaker 1 (29:53):
So yes.
And then when we hear somebodycoming home, no matter where I
am in the house unless I'm inthe middle of a session we will
go down and greet the person,even the children how was your
day?
Nobody comes into the house andsays anybody home?
No, this is your home, we arewaiting for you, you are welcome
(30:17):
.
So these are, I would say, thetwo rituals that, no matter how
busy we are, we never stop doing.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Two very simple habits that I think can be very
powerful.
As I read through the book andI saw those, I said those are
two that I'm going to talk to mywife about.
One of the things that we'vedone recently too and we've been
married 31 years now that we'vedone recently is we made a jar
and wrote five things on fivedifferent pieces of paper and
(30:48):
said you make me feel loved whenyou do this.
And we wrote it on the card andthen we pick one each week and
we try to do that.
We don't tell each other whichone we pick, but we try to do
that, make sure we intentionallydo that during the week we pick
, but we try to do that, makesure we intentionally do that
during the week.
And, frankly, if that'ssomething that we've missed over
31 years, then that's justcontinuous improvement as well
(31:09):
that we should continue to do.
You mentioned Gary Chapman'sfive love languages powerful.
If we know the love language ofour partner and we use that
love language with them, how canwe go wrong?
I know how I went wrong in myfirst years of marriage was
sharing my love language andthinking that that was the same
as my wife's love language, soit'd be very important that we
understand our differences.
(31:29):
I love those simple disciplines.
Gabriella, when you had talkedto leaders, uh, who want to
build a lasting legacy in theirrelationships, uh, how important
.
So again, now they're leadersand it's in your business, or
ones that you work with, howimportant is the marriage to the
(31:52):
success of the individual andtheir legacy as a leader in
their companies?
Speaker 1 (31:59):
How important is your leg, the health of your leg,
when you're moving forward.
The home is your foundation, isyour anchor.
If you go to work feelingfragmented, depleted, worried,
you feel like career andrelationship are competing
(32:24):
forces.
You will not show up as aleader.
As best as you can show up.
When you show up home, centeredin love, when you feel that
home is the place to recharge,not to crash, you show up for
(32:47):
your people in a completedifferent way.
Your relationship, yourromantic relationship, is the
most important relationship andit's the one that will continue
until you're gone, hopefullyRight, so you don't need to wait
(33:08):
for retirement to elevate yourrelationship.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
Okay, Because otherwise you end up without a
career and without arelationship.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
And you know, we went through a situation a month ago
with my husband.
He was hospitalized for a week,ending with spine surgery, and
these are the moments when yourealize and I was there every
day.
I stayed the night of thesurgery.
(33:40):
We had a blast and we elevatedeach other.
We really had a blast, eventhough he was in the hospital,
because we spent quality timewith each other without any
media, just talking about lifeconnecting.
This was a new setting we nevershared together.
I never experienced him in somuch physical pain and in a bed
(34:06):
in the hospital.
He experienced me because I hada C-section.
But this was a new experiencefor us after 30 years together.
We saw new sides of ourselves.
So you never stop learningabout your partner.
We saw new sides of ourselves,so you never stop learning about
your partner.
And we also had fun Like wereally had fun.
For example, I'll give you aquick example Every time, a
(34:31):
doctor will come in and we neverseen that doctor before and
he'd say and who are you?
They always ask you who are you, where are you from?
I would say, instead of sayingI'm his wife, I would say I'm
his lover.
He doesn't want his wife, no,you know.
So we were like two kids.
Yes, he was in pain, I have tosay, but that helped him.
(34:52):
The humor helped him.
So the most importantrelationship is at home.
It's the one that stays in thehighs and the lows and gives you
the strength for you to go andleave your full potential and be
of service and be the bestleader that you can be.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
So good.
I love that.
I love you answering myquestion with a question, by the
way too how important is theleg to moving forward to your
body?
It's vital, it's critical, it'sso important to moving forward.
And then to ultimately talkabout how, even in tough
circumstances, you find joy inthose circumstances is very
(35:32):
powerful as well, and that it'sso important.
Gabriella, I could keep goingon each one of these pillars.
I want to honor your time andkind of bring this to a close.
Folks get out there and get acopy of Becoming a Power Couple.
I think you're going to reallylove it and those of you,
whether you're having again,whether you're having a
challenge in your relationships,or whether you're getting ready
(35:53):
to get married if you'relistening in, that's something
that's coming up for you.
I think it can be helpful aswell before you even get married
.
So, gabriela, where can folksget in touch with you, learn
more about what you do and whoyou are?
Speaker 1 (36:07):
They can contact me on my website, gabriela, with
one L mboncom.
I have my services there as alife engineering coach.
We are on relationships.
We have the page with the booklinked to Amazon and also my
media page If you want to bringme as a speaker to your
(36:27):
organization.
In the last month I spoke fortechnology conferences because I
wanted to be in this aspect, ina cybersecurity conference.
You can see examples of mykeynotes at the media page on
our website.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
Excellent, very good, I've enjoyed our conversation.
Gabriela, I want to give youthe last word here, as I do with
all of my guests on theUncommon Leader podcast,
especially those authors thatare there.
But I'm going to give you abillboard.
You can put it on any highwaythat you want to, for millions
of people to see.
You're going to put a messageon that billboard.
What is that message and why doyou put that message on there?
Speaker 1 (37:12):
Don't compromise.
Create a life of no regret.
Don't compromise.
Don't compromise on what trulymakes you happy.
For me, it was realigning mycareer and my relationship.
Yes, I've been married for 27years, but you have the story in
(37:33):
the book that I canceled mywedding with my previous fiancรฉ
a month before.
So I'm a very easygoing person,but I don't compromise on the
things that are important.
If I say this in a differentway make a decision based on
where you want to be, not basedon where you are.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
Love that.
Make a decision on where youwant to be, not on where you are
.
But, folks, I read that storyin the front and I didn't dive
into that one after thechildhood story.
Folks, I read that story in thefront and I didn't dive into
that one after the childhoodstory.
It's worth the price of thebook just to see that first
story and the introduction, howshe went through that decision,
ultimately leading up to her nowmarriage of 27 years.
Gabrielle and Bon, it's been apleasure having you as a guest
(38:16):
on the Uncommon Leader podcast.
I appreciate your wisdom,appreciate you sharing with the
listeners of the podcast and Iwish you the best in all that
you have going forward.
Speaker 1 (38:25):
Thank you so much, john.
Speaker 2 (38:26):
I celebrate the work you do and I am grateful that
you had me as a guest.
And that wraps up anotherepisode of the Uncommon Leader
Podcast.
Thanks for tuning in today.
If you found value in thisepisode, I encourage you to
share it with your friends,colleagues or anyone else who
could benefit from the insightsand inspiration we've shared.
(38:47):
Also, if you have a moment, I'dgreatly appreciate if you could
leave a rating and review onyour favorite podcast platform.
Your feedback not only helps usto improve, but it also helps
others discover the podcast andjoin our growing community of
uncommon leaders.
Until next time, go and growchampions.
So you don't need to wait for retirement to elevate
your relationship, okay, becauseotherwise you end up without a
career and without arelationship.
The most important relationshipis at home.
It's the one that stays in thehighest and the lowest and gives
you the strength for you to goand live your full potential and
be of service and be the bestleader that you can be, best
(00:23):
leader that you have.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hey, uncommon Leaders , welcome back.
This is the Uncommon Leaderpodcast.
I'm your host, john Gallagher,and I certainly have an uncommon
guest for you.
Today we're going to tackle atopic that's absolutely
foundational to everything elsethat we do our most important
relationships and specificallywe are going to talk about
marriage.
Our guest has a fascinatingbackground.
(00:49):
She's a chemical engineerturned life engineer, and she's
going to share her story abouther book Becoming a Power Couple
Four Pillars to EngineerLegendary Marriages.
She's also the host of the LifeEngineering Podcast and she is
(01:11):
epic with her story.
I've heard it being told before, so you're going to learn a
bunch those of you don't worryabout, even if you're married.
This is a way to buildrelationships in your life that
can have an impact in your workas well and help you to become
that uncommon leader.
So get ready to learn how thatintentionality and strategic
thinking that you can apply toyour business can also apply to
the relationships and the vitalconnections that you have.
Gabrielle Lambon, welcome tothe Uncommon Leader Podcast.
(01:32):
How are you today?
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Thank you, John.
I'm wonderful and excited toconverse with you.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
It's going to be an awesome conversation, so I am
looking forward to it as well.
But let's jump right into thefirst question I always ask my
first-time guests, and that's toshare a story with the
listeners from your childhoodthat still impacts who you are
today, as a person or as aleader.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Yes.
So you gave me a heads-up withthat question, so I'm coming now
prepared.
The story takes me back toArgentina.
So my childhood and I was in myfirst year of high school and I
was a very good student.
I was always very academic.
What I was not was sporty.
(02:15):
And in gym class in the firstyear of high school we had to
run over.
We had to do the run overhurdle race.
So we had to run.
I just couldn't do it.
Every time I would, I could run, but every time I would
approach the hurdle I wouldfreeze.
I was petrified of being in theair.
(02:37):
Just the thought of what if Ifall right.
So I decided to negotiate withmy teacher and I said I'll do
whatever you want.
I'll run as much as you want.
I'll play whatever you want.
I can't do that.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I just can't.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
And he said this is very simple, gabriela If you
don't do it, I'll fail you andyou will have to retire.
So I'm so grateful for thatteacher because I had no choice
but to actually practice and forweeks I would approach the
hurdle and freeze and then Iwould go in bed to let me off
(03:20):
the hook and he would be verypersistent.
You don't do this, I fail.
You now imagine failing thefirst year of high school, when
you have very high grades, justbecause gym class right, but
this was beyond gym class, asyou can imagine.
This was about, uh, not givingup.
(03:41):
So of course I practice,practice and I remember
preparing myself, starting toresearch.
How can I prepare myselfmentally?
How can I work on my mind?
And you know, sure I was ableto do it and I remember the
relief.
This wasn't about I'm not goingto repeat the year that wasn't
the relief.
(04:02):
It was about overcomingsomething that I thought I can't
and I'm grateful he didn't giveup on me and taught me not to
give up on myself, and thatplayed a huge role when I
started my business.
I don't even remember the nameof the teacher, but I will never
forget him.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
I love that story and overcoming, overcoming fear,
overcoming challenge and workingyour way through that, but also
having that person in your lifewho helps you to overcome that,
hold you high and make surethat you grow.
Love that as a story and Iappreciate that, and I know that
you've had to overcome manythings as well.
After reading your book andunderstanding what's happening,
(04:45):
look, we share a common titleand that is of engineer.
You're a chemical engineer, I'ma mechanical engineer.
I never would have thought oftrying to make my way into
chemical engineering.
I mean, speaking of hurdles,those class titles of chemistry
and all those different thingsjust were like hurdles to me
that I was unable to overcome.
(05:06):
So I stuck with the mechanicalside and what that meant.
But, regardless, many of usengineers aren't necessarily
correlated with relationshipsand being good at relationships.
You've gone from chemicalengineer early in your career to
a life engineer ofrelationships.
You've gone from chemicalengineer early in your career to
(05:27):
a life engineer ofrelationships.
Talk to me a little bit aboutthat journey.
Tell me about how you got towhere you are today with regards
to being a life engineer andreally focusing on couples and
powerful marriages.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
So in my last job as an engineer, which was in
semiconductors, working forIntel, a new pattern emerged in
me.
I had to train.
You know, intel is such afascinating country.
They have what we call Intel UIntel University on-site, and we
do a lot of training besidesour work as process engineers,
(06:03):
and I discovered that I wasquite good, actually, okay, that
was why I was very good attraining.
I was so good at training thatwhen I went to maternity leave
with my first child, the personthat replaced me was not another
engineer but one of mytechnicians, because I have
trained him so well and Istarted getting a lot of
(06:25):
feedback on my ability to trainand empower people to step up.
After eight years in the field,I realized that I have
everything, but I'm not happyand I was very satisfied with
life because I was misaligningmy career.
Very dissatisfied with lifebecause I was misaligning my
(06:49):
career.
And that's when I started goingthrough the soul searching.
Initially I thought I was goingto become a science teacher and
I registered at McGillUniversity in Montreal to do
that, and then I realized thatmy calling was to become was to
become a coach.
One of my friends said youshould become a coach, and you
know what it was.
I researched and I found thatwas uh, that was it, it reminded
(07:13):
, chose to study engineering.
I also was divided betweengoing for psychology or
engineering, which is verydifferent, and for very reasons,
plus my love for science, Ichose engineering.
So that led me to certify as acoach and start coaching.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
I love that Again as that story and recognizing some
of the gifts that you've beengiven and being able to do that
and then having others recognizethose gifts in you.
I think it's a journey that I'vetaken as well.
It was very early in my careerthat I moved from engineer to
leader and that was somethingthat folks that, as I talked
(07:55):
with them, as I worked with them, I found myself more fulfilled
working with them on therelationship side than I did on
the engineering side.
But the fact is we had to do somuch just to get through
engineering school and learningthe discipline of that and the
process mindset and really thatleads into the book and what's
(08:15):
very unique is still approachingrelationships with the process
mindset that it takes to be anengineer.
So you authored last year youauthored the book becoming a
power couple and you can see howmuch I like it by the sticky
notes that are in there forpillars to engineer legendary
marriages, like when you write abook and invest the time in
(08:37):
that.
There's something really goodin that.
Why did you choose to write thebook and who did you write it
for?
Speaker 1 (08:45):
So I was saying that when I was working with leaders
and professionals, I sawsomething that I couldn't ignore
.
When the conversation shiftedto home life, to relationships,
their voice shifted too.
It's almost as their confidencedipped, and I could see that
(09:10):
there was even a hidden regretor shame, and it really broke my
heart, because these are thevery people that deserve to lead
and feel fulfilled in all areasof their lives.
I started realizing that when Iasked.
The more I asked, the more Irealized people didn't have a
good model and they also wererelying on love as a strategy.
(09:32):
Love is not a strategy.
There was no model on how toengineer a relationship, and
that's when I said wait a second.
I was working with couples aswell, but I was also working
with individuals and teachingthem how to do marriage, and
after a few couples said youchange our lives, we no longer
(09:54):
want to divorce.
I had a couple who were about atthe verge of divorce and then
now, today, they have a family,they decided to have children.
I said it's time to write thebook where I talk about what are
the best practices to build apower couple synergy now, and
(10:19):
this book was written from aninformation perspective.
This is that I studied thiscontent, studied with experts in
the field, but also my ownexperience, right Because I've
been married for 27 years.
My parents were great rolemodels, my grandparents were
great role models.
(10:40):
Model my grandparents weregreat role models.
So I felt that, yes, beyond allthe knowledge that I have from
my trainings, I'm bringing itwas almost like a tribute to my,
to my family, to write thisbook and I felt it was like I
just just having these sessionsto realized that people were
(11:00):
doing all the wrong things and,again, everybody has the right
to do marriage their own way.
The way they were approachingit was creating this connection
rather than connection, and Ibelieve in that so much that it
hurt me, it broke my heart,because I know what's possible
well, I know you shared some ofthe data inside the books.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
It's pretty amazing Almost today, almost half of
marriages first marriages endedin a divorce 40 to 50%.
And it's even higher divorcerate 60 to 70% for second or
marriages or beyond, and so thatdata in and of itself says
there's both a need but also ahope, absolutely In terms of
(11:46):
what you're doing with regardsto making an impact one power
couple at a time.
So let's start there.
What is the definition of apower couple?
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Yeah.
So a power couple is a couplewho has overcome the second
place of the marriage usually isthe struggling place and
because they have overcome that,they have invested and
committed.
Now they share this powercouple synergy.
(12:18):
And what characterized thepower couple synergy is that
this part was bigger than youknow.
It's bigger than the unity ofthe couple is bigger than the
sum of the two parts.
So power couples usually feelthey can accomplish a lot
(12:40):
together.
They support each other, theyhave a common vision, they feel
that they are each other's bestfriend or favorite person.
And the sweetest feeling of thepower couple is that they don't
worry about the relationship.
They show up, they still dowhat needs to be done, they have
(13:00):
fun together, they go throughstruggles together.
They go through conflictwithout fear, without the
uncertainty.
So no matter what you're goingthrough, you have this certainty
in the relationship.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
Yeah, I love that.
I had to test your engineeringschool for just a minute because
you touched on that unity, thatsome of the parts is greater
than the individuals.
One plus one is not equal to,you said inside the book one
plus one equals 10.
I'm like that almost soundslike industrial engineer math,
because we used to tease them asthe mechanic or, excuse me, as
(13:34):
the imaginary engineers.
The IEs were the imaginaryengineers.
We tease them.
But your point about when itcomes together, it creates
something more powerful insideand you've created a model.
Now I want to talk about thisbecause I think this is where
even some couples who may not beengineers sort of try and stand
(13:56):
up against it.
If you're trying to get mymarriage into this process, into
this model, into this standard,aren't you trying to make me
robots and then we'll lose thefreedom and energy inside of our
marriage?
So look, I know you have to runinto that sometimes.
(14:18):
How do you overcome thatbarrier?
With regards to, I'm going toteach you a model as to how
you're going to improve yourmarriage and what that looks
like.
What are the barriers that yousee with the couples you work
with?
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Couples that I work with are happy to have the
guidance because they feelthey're struggling.
But if a couple comes, they aretrying to put my relationship
into a structure, a model, ablueprint.
It doesn't work that way.
I said, well, try it, or how isit going for you right now?
If it's great, then you don'tneed it, but if it's not great,
(14:53):
you might want to try somethingelse.
How's that working for you?
The thing with marriage is thatthe most common belief is that
love is a strategy and that themoment you got married, that's
it.
It's done Right.
But you know, as anentrepreneur yourself, that you
(15:15):
wouldn't start a business andstop investing or planning after
the launch.
You wouldn't launch a newproduct and never check its
performance.
So marriage is not a statusthat we are acquiring on our
wedding day.
It's actually a process.
(15:35):
It's not something we are.
It's something we do activelyand commit.
And when I say love is not astrategy, that commitment that
I'm talking about is not fueledby love.
It's fueled by intention, andintention means that you will
show up and commit, even thedays you don't feel like it, and
(16:00):
you will have some framework touse to create what you need to
create, because on days that youfeel the love that you have for
each other, you might say Idon't need a framework.
But what happens on days youdon't right?
We want to make sure you don'tdisconnect on those days.
(16:20):
We don't want to make sure thatthe relationship doesn on those
days, we don't make sure thatthe relationship doesn't erode.
That's why we need a framework.
In fact, talking about the word,the word rituals, the framework
offers rituals and bestpractices for each pillar.
There are four pillars.
Each pillar has its bestpractices and rituals.
(16:41):
We, as humans, always performrituals because rituals are the
way of saying this is important,this matters, this has meaning,
right?
So this is what I would say tosomebody who is doubting or
(17:03):
asking why are you talking aboutframeworks when it comes to
relationships?
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Hey, uncommon Leaders , hope you're enjoying the
episode so far.
I believe in doing businesswith people you like and trust,
and not just a company name.
That's why a strong personalbrand is essential, whether
you're an entrepreneur or aleader within a company.
Brand Builders Group, the folkswho have been helping me refine
my own personal brand areoffering a free consultation
call with one of their expertbrand strategists.
They'll help you identify youruniqueness, craft a compelling
(17:27):
story and develop a step-by-stepplan to elevate your impact.
So head on over tocoachjohngallaghercom slash BBG,
as in Brand Builders Group, toschedule your free call and take
the first step toward buildinga personal brand that gets you
noticed for all the rightreasons.
That's coachjohngallaghercomslash BBG.
Now let's get back to theepisode.
So so good, because you hit thenail right on the head.
(17:49):
We'll put plans in place forour fitness.
We'll put these exerciseroutines, we'll go and find a
trainer, we'll do three days perweek and so many repetitions
for our business To your point.
We put in a plan, we carry outthat strategy through deploying
it and initiatives.
Why wouldn't we use the samerigor and intentionality in our
(18:11):
relationships Again, whetherthey're our marriages, our
friendships or those that wework with at work and I loved
your quote as you startedtalking about that.
With commitment, engineers getit.
The more dedication we put intoa process, the better the yield
and the quality.
So when we call marriage aprocess, that is frankly what it
is.
(18:31):
But if we put energy into it,it's going to improve on a
regular basis.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
John, we do personal development, business
development, career development,but without the marriage
development.
And then we have the numbers.
So when I ask society, how'sthat working for you without
having a framework, that's allgood.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
I love that.
How's that working for you?
I love that question.
So how's that working for youright now?
And again, when they're comingto you, which is really good,
they're coming to you with aproblem, which is really good.
They're coming to you with aproblem and, as a coach, it's
hard to say this is awesomebecause I need you to come to me
in terms of my business model,but what it really is, it's
awesome that you recognize thatI need help to get that to
(19:14):
improve.
So you mentioned your framework, you talked about the four
pillars, but you start with ajourney that I think is powerful
.
With regards to that reason foraction, or call for action, you
call it the Constitution.
Tell me about the MarriageConstitution that you kick
things off with your clients.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
So the Marriage Constitution is a conversation
that you have with your partnerabout the deal breakers, about
the things you will not tolerate, and why is this important?
You know you have a spec whenyou produce a product.
When you manufacture a product,you have a spec right.
(19:52):
So you need a spec for yourrelationships because we come
from different backgrounds andsomebody might say, no, I marry
the kid from the family nextdoor.
We come from the same culturethis, yeah but you come from
different families and everyfamily, even if you come from
the different culture, from thesame culture, same religion,
(20:15):
same everything you come from adifferent family and every
family has their rules.
So what might be accept,acceptable for you, might be a
no-no for your partner.
I'll give you a few examples.
Okay, in my family, callingnames like you're stupid, you're
(20:36):
dumb, was always a no-no I'venever heard my parents use that
language In someone else'sfamily.
That might be stupid.
What's the problem to saystupid, there's nothing wrong
with that?
In my home when I learned thatyou never leave, so even if my
parents had an argument, I neversaw one of my parents sleeping
(21:00):
on the couch.
So when I got married, I toldmy husband nobody sleeping on
the couch.
So when I got married, I toldmy husband nobody sleeps on the
couch.
I don't care how angry we arewith each other, never leave the
bed and the bedroom, becausethe bedroom is the sanctuary of
the marriage.
And no-no for me was smoking.
So yes, when I met my husband,he was not a smoker, but if he
ever decided that he was goingto start smoking, he knew that's
(21:25):
a deal breaker for me.
So these are the things that areimportant to talk.
First of all, so the other onedoesn't say I didn't know, you
know.
And secondly, this opens anopportunity for deeper
connection, because if eachpartner does their own list and
(21:47):
then you sit together and youtalk about, you share.
This is an opportunity to sharewhy.
So, if you're having a list, Iwill never accept you being a
drinker.
Ok, you might say, well, youknow, know.
Growing up I saw my fatherdrinking and that truly
devastated my mother.
There's no way I'm going tomarry somebody who's a drinker,
(22:09):
I don't know.
Everybody has their story.
So this allows you to explainyourself why this is important,
where you're coming from, andlearn each other, go deeper in
your understanding of yourpartner, where they come from,
what's important for them, whatreally matters to them.
So this is what theConstitution is it's an
(22:31):
opportunity for deeperconnection, but also to make
sure that we don't say, oh, Ididn't know, that was a no-no.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
It's so powerful and frankly, as you say, when
couples are coming to you,they're married already and
they're having challenges.
That's an important time to putthat constitution in place.
What I'm also hearing is, evenin that planning phase, that
design phase, if you will, of amarriage prior to marriage,
having this constitution inplace before you even get
married and say, hey, these aredeal breakers for me early on.
(23:01):
So before we go forward, let'smake sure we understand those
and make those happen.
I can see where it can bepreemptive and help with some of
that percentage that we talkedabout with regards to almost
half of marriages, half of firstmarriages, ending in divorce
and having an impact.
I can really see the power inthat, Gabriella, Absolutely, and
(23:21):
I appreciate you sharing.
So let's talk about that.
I mean again, you move from theconstitution then as really as
a solution, uh, to overcomebarriers later on in the journey
that may occur.
And then you talk about thesefour pillars me, you, ours and
us.
We don't have time to talkabout all four of those pillars,
but I want to talk a little bitabout the me pillar.
(23:41):
I'm selfish and let's go aheadand go to me and that's the
first one that you list as apillar is me.
Why me first in this journeyand tell me about that pillar.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
Well, I can't build a safe and powerful relationship
with somebody who doesn't takecare of me.
It's as simple as that.
A power couple is the unionbetween two power individuals.
The me is all aboutresponsibility and
(24:13):
accountability for myself, formy own happiness.
It's self-awareness, personaldevelopment.
Nobody wants to marry a victim.
Nobody wants to marry somebodythat all they do is blame other
people, expect other people tobe happy, to make them happy.
So the me is all aboutself-awareness, not outsourcing
(24:35):
your happiness to your partner.
But when you aren't happy, whyis that?
I had to do a career change.
I also brought into ourrelationship a lot of baggage
that I needed to work on.
So you have two options.
When you pass the honeymoonphase, you start triggering each
other, which you will okay,unless you are not connected
enough.
(24:55):
You will.
Now you have two options do Iblame my partner and expect them
to change, or do I use this asan opportunity to work on myself
and my own, healing my ownpersonal development?
So this is what the me is allabout truly Becoming the best
version of yourself so you canbe the best also in this
(25:18):
relationship, and not using yourpartner as a punching bag.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
So good, and again you started right off.
Nobody wants to marry thatvictim, the one who's always
blaming others or behaves like avictim, but they want to marry
someone who's going to takeresponsibility for their own
changes.
You know, the traditionalcliche is you know, when the
oxygen mask falls in theairplane, put yours on first,
(25:45):
before you can help others.
But that's really true in thatself-care is not really selfish.
Self-care is very important.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Right.
Victimhood is not sexy.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
Not at all.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Self-empowerment is very attractive.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Love that I could talk about these techniques all
day.
It's a process.
It's the engineer in me thatloves the disciplines and
actions and folks.
The book is full of ideas aboutmaking improvements in all four
of those spaces me, you, oursand us.
As we look forward to it, I'mcurious, gabriella do you have a
story of one that you've workedwith?
(26:22):
You don't have to, obviously,share any names or anything else
, but one that you're most proudof with regards to who you
helped in that journey and whatthe outcome was working with you
.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
The reason I don't like that question is because
there are, thank God, many, manysuccessful stories, but I
mentioned the one that I wasreferring to earlier.
This couple came to me, theyhad no children and they were at
the verge of divorce, and theyalso come from very different
cultures and religions, and Icould see that they love each
(26:59):
other.
You know one thing that isbeautiful you can perceive a
couple's energy and I saw thatthey love each other, but each
one of them has their own issuesand they're projecting on each
other and just don't know,because they come from such
different cultures, you havedifferent standards to you,
(27:22):
standards to how to do marriage.
So I work with them as a coupleindividually also, which we do
that, and actually theirtestimonial is on my website.
And today, not only they arehappily married, they also
started a family, which I findto be beautiful.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Love that and again, especially when you can know
someone was on the path todivorce and be able to provide
them the support they need tomake that change in their life.
And look, I think there'sintervention beyond as a man of
faith.
There's intervention that hasto come into play there with
regards to their spiritual side,and you talk about that in your
(28:09):
book as well a little bit.
So I think that's veryimportant.
I always love when I read that.
The first thing I read when I'mlooking at guests is I read the
intro and I read theconclusions and the
acknowledgements, the very lastpage in your book.
Outside of her professionalpursuits, gabriella cherishes
weekly date nights with herhusband of 26 years, spending
(28:31):
leisure time with her threeextraordinary children and
cuddling their beloved goldenretriever.
Tell me one or two other habitsthat you have that keep you and
your husband together as apower couple um, we cuddle in
the morning.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
That's a big one when we wake up.
Unless you know, one is out ofbed earlier, but normally you
know what I just said we get upat the same time.
We cuddle in the morning andthat physical connection creates
emotional connection, makes youfeel you're in this together,
so you start your day feelingstronger.
And the other thing that I findit extremely important is, uh,
(29:18):
we say goodbye.
When, when we say goodbye inthe morning, we walk each other
to the door, whoever is leaving,and we kiss each other, I will
never be in the kitchen and saybye and hear him from the door
bye, I'm leaving.
That doesn't not even with ourchildren, by the way, and it's
cute because our dog, she, tookon this ritual, so every time
(29:42):
somebody leaves the house shewill go to the door and wait for
them, and the moment the carleaves she turns around and goes
back.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
That's great so cute.
Speaker 1 (29:53):
So yes.
And then when we hear somebodycoming home, no matter where I
am in the house unless I'm inthe middle of a session we will
go down and greet the person,even the children how was your
day?
Nobody comes into the house andsays anybody home?
No, this is your home, we arewaiting for you, you are welcome
(30:17):
.
So these are, I would say, thetwo rituals that, no matter how
busy we are, we never stop doing.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Two very simple habits that I think can be very
powerful.
As I read through the book andI saw those, I said those are
two that I'm going to talk to mywife about.
One of the things that we'vedone recently too and we've been
married 31 years now that we'vedone recently is we made a jar
and wrote five things on fivedifferent pieces of paper and
(30:48):
said you make me feel loved whenyou do this.
And we wrote it on the card andthen we pick one each week and
we try to do that.
We don't tell each other whichone we pick, but we try to do
that, make sure we intentionallydo that during the week we pick
, but we try to do that, makesure we intentionally do that
during the week.
And, frankly, if that'ssomething that we've missed over
31 years, then that's justcontinuous improvement as well
(31:09):
that we should continue to do.
You mentioned Gary Chapman'sfive love languages powerful.
If we know the love language ofour partner and we use that
love language with them, how canwe go wrong?
I know how I went wrong in myfirst years of marriage was
sharing my love language andthinking that that was the same
as my wife's love language, soit'd be very important that we
understand our differences.
(31:29):
I love those simple disciplines.
Gabriella, when you had talkedto leaders, uh, who want to
build a lasting legacy in theirrelationships, uh, how important
.
So again, now they're leadersand it's in your business, or
ones that you work with, howimportant is the marriage to the
(31:52):
success of the individual andtheir legacy as a leader in
their companies?
Speaker 1 (31:59):
How important is your leg, the health of your leg,
when you're moving forward.
The home is your foundation, isyour anchor.
If you go to work feelingfragmented, depleted, worried,
you feel like career andrelationship are competing
(32:24):
forces.
You will not show up as aleader.
As best as you can show up.
When you show up home, centeredin love, when you feel that
home is the place to recharge,not to crash, you show up for
(32:47):
your people in a completedifferent way.
Your relationship, yourromantic relationship, is the
most important relationship andit's the one that will continue
until you're gone, hopefullyRight, so you don't need to wait
(33:08):
for retirement to elevate yourrelationship.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
Okay, Because otherwise you end up without a
career and without arelationship.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
And you know, we went through a situation a month ago
with my husband.
He was hospitalized for a week,ending with spine surgery, and
these are the moments when yourealize and I was there every
day.
I stayed the night of thesurgery.
(33:40):
We had a blast and we elevatedeach other.
We really had a blast, eventhough he was in the hospital,
because we spent quality timewith each other without any
media, just talking about lifeconnecting.
This was a new setting we nevershared together.
I never experienced him in somuch physical pain and in a bed
(34:06):
in the hospital.
He experienced me because I hada C-section.
But this was a new experiencefor us after 30 years together.
We saw new sides of ourselves.
So you never stop learningabout your partner.
We saw new sides of ourselves,so you never stop learning about
your partner.
And we also had fun Like wereally had fun.
For example, I'll give you aquick example Every time, a
(34:31):
doctor will come in and we neverseen that doctor before and
he'd say and who are you?
They always ask you who are you, where are you from?
I would say, instead of sayingI'm his wife, I would say I'm
his lover.
He doesn't want his wife, no,you know.
So we were like two kids.
Yes, he was in pain, I have tosay, but that helped him.
(34:52):
The humor helped him.
So the most importantrelationship is at home.
It's the one that stays in thehighs and the lows and gives you
the strength for you to go andleave your full potential and be
of service and be the bestleader that you can be.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
So good.
I love that.
I love you answering myquestion with a question, by the
way too how important is theleg to moving forward to your
body?
It's vital, it's critical, it'sso important to moving forward.
And then to ultimately talkabout how, even in tough
circumstances, you find joy inthose circumstances is very
(35:32):
powerful as well, and that it'sso important.
Gabriella, I could keep goingon each one of these pillars.
I want to honor your time andkind of bring this to a close.
Folks get out there and get acopy of Becoming a Power Couple.
I think you're going to reallylove it and those of you,
whether you're having again,whether you're having a
challenge in your relationships,or whether you're getting ready
(35:53):
to get married if you'relistening in, that's something
that's coming up for you.
I think it can be helpful aswell before you even get married
.
So, gabriela, where can folksget in touch with you, learn
more about what you do and whoyou are?
Speaker 1 (36:07):
They can contact me on my website, gabriela, with
one L mboncom.
I have my services there as alife engineering coach.
We are on relationships.
We have the page with the booklinked to Amazon and also my
media page If you want to bringme as a speaker to your
(36:27):
organization.
In the last month I spoke fortechnology conferences because I
wanted to be in this aspect, ina cybersecurity conference.
You can see examples of mykeynotes at the media page on
our website.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
Excellent, very good, I've enjoyed our conversation.
Gabriela, I want to give youthe last word here, as I do with
all of my guests on theUncommon Leader podcast,
especially those authors thatare there.
But I'm going to give you abillboard.
You can put it on any highwaythat you want to, for millions
of people to see.
You're going to put a messageon that billboard.
What is that message and why doyou put that message on there?
Speaker 1 (37:12):
Don't compromise.
Create a life of no regret.
Don't compromise.
Don't compromise on what trulymakes you happy.
For me, it was realigning mycareer and my relationship.
Yes, I've been married for 27years, but you have the story in
(37:33):
the book that I canceled mywedding with my previous fiancรฉ
a month before.
So I'm a very easygoing person,but I don't compromise on the
things that are important.
If I say this in a differentway make a decision based on
where you want to be, not basedon where you are.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
Love that.
Make a decision on where youwant to be, not on where you are
.
But, folks, I read that storyin the front and I didn't dive
into that one after thechildhood story.
Folks, I read that story in thefront and I didn't dive into
that one after the childhoodstory.
It's worth the price of thebook just to see that first
story and the introduction, howshe went through that decision,
ultimately leading up to her nowmarriage of 27 years.
Gabrielle and Bon, it's been apleasure having you as a guest
(38:16):
on the Uncommon Leader podcast.
I appreciate your wisdom,appreciate you sharing with the
listeners of the podcast and Iwish you the best in all that
you have going forward.
Speaker 1 (38:25):
Thank you so much, john.
Speaker 2 (38:26):
I celebrate the work you do and I am grateful that
you had me as a guest.
And that wraps up anotherepisode of the Uncommon Leader
Podcast.
Thanks for tuning in today.
If you found value in thisepisode, I encourage you to
share it with your friends,colleagues or anyone else who
could benefit from the insightsand inspiration we've shared.
(38:47):
Also, if you have a moment, I'dgreatly appreciate if you could
leave a rating and review onyour favorite podcast platform.
Your feedback not only helps usto improve, but it also helps
others discover the podcast andjoin our growing community of
uncommon leaders.
Until next time, go and growchampions.
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