July 28, 2025 • 46 mins
What if that cluttered bedroom or maxed-out credit card isn't about laziness or lack of willpower, but something much deeper? The truth hiding in plain sight might surprise you.
Trauma leaves fingerprints everywhere – especially in our physical spaces. When life shatters our sense of safety, our environment often reflects that broken inner landscape. The woman whose spotless home slowly fills with clutter after her husband's betrayal. The shopaholic whose purchases provide fleeting moments of worth in a world that's taken too much. These aren't random behaviors; they're sophisticated protection mechanisms crafted by a wounded nervous system.
Through compelling real-life stories, this episode demonstrates how our spaces become external manifestations of our internal wounds. You'll hear about Sue, whose home transformed from welcoming to severely cluttered after taking back her unfaithful husband, silently screaming what her voice couldn't. And another client whose perfectly decorated living room stood in stark contrast to her chaotic bedroom – a deliberate fortress keeping potential partners at bay after heartbreak.
We explore how trauma becomes an invisible architect drawing blueprints in the unseen corners of our psyche, instructing us to "stay small, it's safer" or "keep everything, you might need it." These patterns aren't character flaws – they're adaptive responses to emotional wounds that haven't found proper healing channels.
Most importantly, you'll discover how to approach these behaviors with curiosity instead of criticism, asking "what happened to you?" rather than "what's wrong with you?" Through gentle guidance and practical suggestions, you'll learn how to reclaim your space not through force but through compassion, treating each object as a question: "Does this bring me into remembrance of who I truly am?"
Ready to transform your relationship with your space – and yourself? This episode offers not just insights, but a pathway toward liberation and healing. Because you are not your clutter, nor the architecture of your trauma. You are the soul who can now redesign.
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/angelamyerun/
Website: https://www.undetectednarcissist.com
Blog posts: https://undetectednarcissist.com/blog/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Season 4 of the Undetected Narcissist
Podcast.
Your host, angela Meyer, ishere to bring you clarity if you
are stuck in confusion,self-doubt or feel lost, without
a sense of direction.
This podcast is extremelydifferent because Angela comes
from a place of wisdom,compassion and has been able to
forgive the unforgivable.
(00:22):
She's a mental healthprofessional, trauma-informed
human consciousness guide andempowerment strategist.
She knows one can't truly healand recover when one is stuck in
hate, anger and fear.
One must rise above it, findmeaning, understanding,
compassion for oneself and thetoxic people within our lives.
(00:45):
This season is aboutself-empowerment,
self-realizations andtransformation.
There is always a blog postsupporting this information, so
please visitundetectednarcissistcom so get
ready to learn about yourself,others and find a way to truly
live and thrive.
(01:06):
Once again, enjoy the show.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of
the Undetected Narcissist.
Today I will unpack when traumahides in clutter and compulsion
.
I want to shine my light on hownegative behavior changes often
stem from unprocessed traumawhen it comes to hoarding and
clutter, because people's firstknee-jerk reaction is repulsion,
(01:33):
judgment, shock and disapproval.
People usually don't discussthis topic, but I do.
I care about my clients as wellas you, and I want people to
understand the why factor sothat they can have more
compassion, understanding,sympathy and patience.
What I will do is guide you outof 3D habits and behaviors of
(01:57):
judgment and into the 4D statesof wisdom and reasoning.
Therefore, I will gentlydismantle judgment and invite
you listeners into a space ofcuriosity and compassion With
all the clients I've helped overthe years.
Around this delicate subjectmatter, there are always several
(02:20):
layers of shame, guilt, regret.
Several layers of shame, guilt,regret, sadness and
disappointment.
I see you and I get it.
That is why I'm here to serveand heal humanity with my open
and compassionate heart.
So today we're going to explorethe following themes why do
people shift from being neatfreaks to cluttered or chaotic?
(02:43):
How shopping or accumulationcan be a trauma response.
Trauma is an invisiblearchitect of behavior,
compassion over criticism, howto ask what happened to you
instead of what's wrong with you, and in each section I will
provide suggestions and tools tohelp you clear the clutter and
(03:05):
achieve more peace of mind.
Before we begin, I would like toshare two stories that are
polar opposites and theirextremes, which some of you may
find relatable narcissisticabuse, dissatisfaction in our
marriage or have ended a toxicrelationship.
(03:27):
We can not only put up internal, invisible walls, but also
unconscious and unintentionalexternal walls.
Our clutter and hoarding can bea massive F you sign to the
world, to any man or womaninterested in sexual relations
to avoid sex and, sadly, toourselves in the end.
(03:50):
I want to share my own storyand that of one of my clients.
Just a trigger warning thesestories are not for the faint of
heart.
When our hearts have beenshattered into tiny shards of
glass, we internalize that pain.
Our unprocessed and unhealedpain bleeds out into our
environment.
(04:10):
This includes our home, officespace, garage, car and backyard.
The first story is about Sue.
Sue was happily married and didnot know her husband was toxic.
From my perspective, he wasextremely immature and selfish,
yet he rarely acted like anadult when it came to taking
(04:30):
responsibility for his actionsor lack thereof.
I knew he was a flirt becausehe made several passes at me and
her daughter's friends.
Every time she excused hisdisgusting behavior saying that
it was his Hispanic culture.
It was clear that each time heflirted in front of her she came
(04:50):
up with another rational excuse, but we all saw it as rather
rude, cruel and disrespectfultowards her.
When I met her over 20 yearsago, the home was clean, not
spotless, but anyone could walkin uninvited without feeling
shame, guilt or disappointment.
I spent several nights sleepingin her spare room with my young
(05:14):
daughter when I was moving fromCalifornia to Oregon.
Shortly after I moved to Oregon,her husband cheated on her, not
just once but for months,behind her back, claiming he was
working late or falling asleepat the office.
Sue was the kindest andsweetest woman.
She wanted to understand why,but of course it was all her
(05:38):
fault that his eyes strayed.
It was apparent to everyonethat she was codependent and a
people pleaser, trying her bestto stay neutral and
understanding, but a storm ofanger and rage was crashing
inside of her.
I knew in my heart that thiswould not be easy for her.
She did not throw him out.
(06:00):
He left and lived with anotherwoman for a little over a year.
She got over him and started tomove on with her life.
In fact, they remained friends.
They did not get divorced, justseparated.
Because she was so loving.
She continued to take care ofhis teenage son, who was
humiliated by his father'sactions.
(06:21):
He refused to live with thisnew woman, who was toxic as well
.
Still, her house remained cleanuntil he came crawling back
begging for her to let him moveback into the house.
He love-bombed her so well andshe stayed single the entire
time while he was gone, sleepingin another woman's bed.
(06:41):
It was amusing how his loverleft him because she grew tired
of taking care of him so shekicked him out.
If you have listened to theepisode why People Cheat, this
man played many games with women.
The sad truth is she did notknow the rules of the games or
anything about toxic people, soshe was clueless and in the dark
(07:04):
.
That is why it was so easy forhim to play the victim, refusing
to take responsibility for hisactions, behaviors and admit
that he betrayed her and eventheir marriage vows.
He was like a lost puppy andshe fell for his bullshit.
I wanted to save her, but Iknew this was the path she had
(07:26):
chosen.
It shocked us all.
I could see her silenttransformation and now her home
transformed from being clean toa place I could no longer step
past the front door.
All her repressed anger, rageand silent FUs were scattered
all over the house.
The clutter and trash weredisplayed everywhere for anyone
(07:48):
and everyone to witness her pain.
It was so heartbreaking.
Family could no longer visitduring the holidays because
carpets were damaged beyondrepaired, Rotten food and dirty
dishes lined the counters.
Stacks of papers, magazinepizza boxes and trash lined the
floor and the smell of animalpiss was unbearable.
(08:09):
Even her daughter could nolonger live with her mom.
It was an embarrassment.
But Sue just smiled and saidone day I will clean this place
up.
That day never arrived.
She tried organizing one room,but the unresolved and repressed
trauma and anger still lingered.
This man had her wrapped aroundhis fingers, playing poor little
(08:33):
me, and she fell for his gamesof manipulation.
She liked the feeling of beingwanted and needed, even if it
meant sacrificing her owninterest or temporary happiness.
Yes, many times she threatenedto kick him out, get a divorce,
but she never did.
Soon the clutter and hoardingbecame her norm and nobody, not
(08:56):
even I, could talk any senseinto her.
One year, her family offered torent a storage unit and help
her put everything in storage,restoring the house to its
previous glory.
We all missed the dinners,parties and fun at her home.
Again, it still served apurpose.
Why and how?
(09:16):
Well, each time he pissed heroff, he would not become a
responsible adult or clean upafter himself and was glued to
his video games.
She gave up.
She accepted defeat and becamepassive-aggressive,
internalizing the pain andtrying to play nice Silently
(09:37):
saying F?
You not just to him but toherself, adding to the clutter
with the dirty take takeoutcontainers piled on top of each
other.
I mean, the clutter and trashwas so bad that she could no
longer cook in her kitchen.
Leave him.
We all said you deserve better,know your worth.
(09:57):
You deserve to be happy, notmiserable.
Why, why did you take him backa year later?
Is he that great of a lover?
I don't think so.
Then why?
We all asked over and over.
All our questions and wordsfell on deaf ears.
Eventually, we all gave up andwaited for her to say enough is
(10:18):
enough.
She never did, because shestuffed it down, trying to
appear, appear strong, but wecould all see the truth.
The shame was too much and shegave up on herself.
One day, at her office, Icommented how clean, organized
and clutter free the space was.
Sue is a massage therapist andthe way she decorated and
(10:40):
designed the room was sowelcoming and inviting.
I could see and feel theunconditional love that she
created within this sacred spaceof hers.
It smelled of lavender and thefresh arrangement of flowers
added that special touch to makeanyone feel invited.
I inquired if she had finallycleaned up her home.
(11:02):
It had been over 10 years now.
I got the answer I wasexpecting she had not, and I
could feel her shame.
In a gentle tone of voice Iexpressed the idea that perhaps
all the clutter was her unspokenanger and rage towards him and
herself, and how she had takenhim back and babied him.
(11:26):
She did not set boundaries,attend marriage counseling or
resolve any of the issues withintheir marriage.
I know this made her think, butshe has stayed the same and
decided to stay stuck in anunhealthy, toxic marriage.
In an unhealthy, toxic marriage.
It's been over 15 years andstill she held onto her
(11:47):
resentful anger and rage,stuffing it down so deep,
pretending everything was finebehind her smiling mask.
Some could not see the absolutetruth that existed behind her
mask of armor, but I could Eachday.
She did not punish him, butonly punished herself by
(12:08):
existing living in a house thatlooks like a homeless camp.
The sad realization is that Suehad mastered several of the 40
human consciousness traits,behaviors, attitudes and ways of
living.
I saw forgiveness, compassion,reasoning, acceptance, patience
(12:28):
and kindness.
She gave it freely to everyone,but not to herself.
That was the problem.
Everyone came first and in theend she suffered, within and
without, as various healthissues developed many strokes,
eye issues, high blood pressureand her crown of glory was no
(12:50):
longer thick and luscious, butbalding in some patches.
That is why I say all the toolswe need exist within the 4D
levels and when we apply thosetools towards ourselves, it is a
gift, the gift of healthyboundaries, being our authentic,
unapologetic self, speaking ourtruth wisely and without fear,
(13:15):
and showing ourselves compassionwhen we get burnt out by
excessively giving giving givingto people who do not appreciate
, respect or value the gifts wegive to them.
Now I would like to reveal toyou the why factor that I see
and get from a 5D and 6Dfrequency perspective.
(13:38):
Sue is here on earth to learn apainful lesson that nobody can
transform but herself, and shedoes not desire to transform.
She is so self-sacrificing thatit is heartbreaking to observe.
Her soul desires to understandthe polar opposite for growth,
(13:59):
expansion, wisdom and ascension.
Her husband is her profoundteacher of her soul.
The lesson she is here to learnare why boundaries, self-love
and self-worth are vital for ourwell-being.
Her soul needs to understandthat being taken for granted is
(14:20):
not a healthy or selfish act ofkindness, because that kindness
is not being appreciated.
There are givers and receiversand then there are just takers.
Her husband is just a taker,not a giver.
Plus, stuffing down one'semotions is a form of self-abuse
(14:40):
because over time thosenegative emotions begin to
create dis-ease within the humanform.
It is hard to say these wordsor even type them, but it is her
truth.
She made these choices beforecoming down to this school of
life on this planet earth.
Sounds like a horrible movieplot or nightmare, but our souls
(15:03):
are all here for a purpose,whether we like it or not to
learn lessons so that we, asbeings of light and love, can
grow, evolve, expand and achievethe ascension process.
It is straightforward, but itseems so darn complex from the
human state of consciousness andperspective.
(15:24):
It is so easy to get in our ownway and get stuck.
The pain is too much to handle.
We knew it would not be an easyjourney, but we knew we could
overcome it if we aligned withcourage, self-worth and
self-belief.
So she is stuck in her stubbornways of thinking, acting and
(15:46):
behaving.
She thinks that she is risingabove the 3D traits, but not
making her number one is themain reason she stays trapped
and stuck within a cage shecreated, taking any morsel of
affection or appreciation shecan get from her husband, no
(16:06):
longer living a life of joy andhappiness, but sadness,
repressed anger anddisappointment.
So I see her and I get her.
I am not here to judge her orfeel sorry for her, as hard as
it might seem.
I love her even when she is acomplete mess and is trying her
(16:29):
best to hold her head high.
I honor her journey because ittakes courage to smile when
someone is draining the life outof your soul.
I am just the observer wholoves her unconditionally and
still honors her soul'sagreement here on earth.
When she dies, her spirit willcry to our creator why?
(16:54):
Why did you not answer myprayers In a gentle and loving
voice?
Our creator replies I did mybeloved several times and each
time you did not listen.
What do you mean?
She asks In a space of stillsilence and reflection.
She recalled the parable storythat our Creator often answers
(17:18):
prayers through unexpected meansconversations or signs.
Conversations or signs.
We should be open torecognizing those answers.
Just as a man stranded at seaprays for rescue, our Creator
knew she received the unspokenmessage he just sent to her soul
With so much unconditional love.
(17:40):
Our Creator said to her brightand beautiful spirit, which now
merged with her soul I broughtfriends, family, clients and
even strangers into your life tosupport you by answering your
daily prayers.
Each time their kindness andgenerosity were too much for you
to bear, you only acceptedmorsels and scraps.
(18:03):
I wanted you to realize thatyou were worthy of so much more.
My child, you did not feel orthink that you were worthy of
their selfless acts of kindnessand unconditional love.
I was there for you every timeand just by rejecting yourself,
(18:26):
your heartfelt prayers have nowwounded your heart.
Dear one, do you comprehend thelesson now?
That was deep.
Yeah, I was shared to sharethat story.
Therefore, she hid behind asmiling mask made of tears,
heartache and sorrow.
(18:47):
Her walls were enormous, toobig to face or confront because
she still needed them to surviveanother day of being the yes,
ma'am.
People pleaser.
His needs always came beforehers and it showed.
As I typed these words, myheart goes out to her.
Can you see how the last fewepisodes and podcast material
(19:11):
weave into this story perfectly?
She is considered the oppositeof the bad bitch archetype.
This is not an easy story toshare with you listeners.
Now for the next story and whatinspired this information and
I'll make it short, I promisethe reality of feeling stuck
(19:31):
after a toxic relationship.
Recently I had a delightfulwoman come see me because she
was feeling stuck.
Within two minutes I knew shewas temporarily narcissistic.
Her F-U vibe was magnetic andloud.
I could see and feel theback-off bad-bitch attitude.
Yet she wanted to change andneeded help.
(19:53):
Here is her list of complaintsa wall of resistance that is old
and outdated keeps putting upher guard, still dealing with
feeling betrayed by her exprocrastination.
The bedroom is a disaster ofclutter, scarcity, mindset,
shopaholic, stuck in survivalmode, jaw clenching, feels,
(20:16):
bogged down, clutter person.
At first she was ashamed totalk about feeling stuck.
She felt stupid, but she wasnot.
She still had unresolved traumafrom her ex.
I asked her if her entire houseyou know her car, her workspace
was a mess.
To my surprise, I learned thatthe only room in the whole house
(20:39):
that was disorganized,cluttered, mess was her bedroom.
I smiled and said well, that's aloud F?
You to keep men away.
I get it.
Yet your bedroom is your sacredspace of rest and renewal.
You need to fix this, and wecan.
She smiled and laughed, and wecan.
She smiled and laughed.
(20:59):
That F?
You is not just for my ex, butmy mom.
She digs into me every time shecomes over and opens my bedroom
door.
I can't stand it when she doesthat.
She rubs my face in all thisclutter and mess, making me feel
small and stupid.
She knew I got it.
(21:20):
In that moment there was zerojudgment, just compassion.
That is when she pulled out hercell phone and showed me
pictures of her bedroom.
At first it felt like a test,but I had to see it.
Yes, my heart sank, but I'mhere to help not feel sorry for
her.
I could see all the emotionalpain, excessive shopaholic
tendencies and her open wounds.
(21:42):
There were no pictures on thewalls, no life and no color.
It was like a hollow shellfilled with piles of clothing,
shoes, makeup and other girlyaccessories.
Then she showed me her livingroom.
It was so beautiful andperfectly decorated.
It showed a complete differentside of this woman.
(22:03):
I smiled and told her that Iget it.
Time had passed and this FU vibeis no longer serving you but
hurting you.
It is an external wall whichshe created to keep people away.
What we need is to learn how toset healthy boundaries.
Educate yourself about thetoxic traits and behaviors.
(22:26):
Find your voice and speak yourtruth without fear.
Sandwich approach A little bitof something is better than a
whole lot of nothing.
Creating a plan of action forthe organization of your bedroom
.
Dismantle your internal wallsand it will no longer serve you.
Set a budget for getting yourbedroom organized and design her
(22:49):
sacred space again.
Learn the art of grace throughacceptance, since she still has
to deal with her ex and mom.
Discover why people cheatbecause her ex cheated on her
and, one day, how to forgive theunforgivable.
That's a long list, but atleast it serves as a roadmap for
a transformation and healingjourney.
(23:11):
She realized that the shoppingaddiction was only used as an
outside source of comfort.
She used it as a reward whenshe was stressed out.
I explained the vicious cycleof shopping addiction because it
creates a scarcity mindset withmoney.
She knew her salary exceededwhat she needed to cover all her
bills, but still she panickedabout money.
(23:34):
An audio recording process tosupport her in healing and
visualizing herself organizingher bedroom.
I did not see any trash in herbedroom, just clothing and items
with price tags scattered about.
So I removed the negativethought patterns and beliefs and
installed several positivesuggestions within her
(23:55):
subconscious mind to build hermotivation and drive for success
.
At the end of the session shefelt great.
She could visualize herselfsetting a budget and purchasing
items to organize her closet andspace under her bed.
Her walls were decorated andthe bedroom had the status of a
queen, without her quills.
(24:16):
She shared that she had beenwanting to do this for months
but had always given up becausethe thought and visual mess was
more overwhelming than the taskat hand.
Now she felt this purpose andpulled to rebuild her life and
the process would be fun, nolonger dreadful.
So I hope those two storieshelped someone perhaps to better
(24:40):
understand themselves andsomeone you care about who is
still struggling.
Let's now explore the four areasI mentioned earlier.
From neat, freak to clutter,trauma, hidden hand.
I want you to understand thesepatterns of behavior.
When we are dealing with trauma, when someone who once prized
(25:04):
order and cleanliness suddenlyallows mess and clutter to take
over, we often mislabel it aslaziness or giving up.
But what if it actually is onerebellion, rebellion against
perfectionism.
1.
Rebellion, rebellion againstperfectionism.
If neatness was once a form ofcontrol, perhaps instilled by a
(25:32):
critical parent or a punishingenvironment, then mess becomes a
subconscious act of liberation.
Trauma says I'm done trying tobe perfect, I'm tired of earning
love through performance.
Number two overwhelm andemotional numbing.
Trauma overloads the nervoussystem.
Clutter can mirror the chaosinside the pile.
(25:53):
Of laundry isn't just clothes,it's unprocessed grief,
suppressed rage or theexhaustion of pretending
everything's okay.
Number three creating a bufferzone.
Sometimes clutter becomes a wayto self-isolate, a protective
cocoon.
(26:13):
If I make myself and my spaceundesirable, maybe people will
leave me alone and I won't gethurt again, can you see?
So here's the suggestions.
When I work with clients whostruggle with clutter and
organization, they often findthat the sight and thought of it
are more overwhelming than thetask itself.
(26:35):
So I suggest they mark theircalendar to spend just one hour
getting organized or cleaning upthe trash.
Create a plan of action anddocument it.
If you struggle with being ashopaholic, set a budget and
only purchase items that willclear the clutter rather than
add to it.
(26:55):
Start by organizing one draweror grouping a few piles of
clothing into categories for thecloset, under the bed or in a
dresser.
Make it a fun experience Playmusic or listen to a podcast,
burn some incense, buy a plantor some flowers and put it on
(27:16):
the dresser, pull back the darkdrapes of depression and open up
a window to let the air in.
You can ask a friend for helpand then take them out to lunch
as a gesture of appreciation.
And sometimes we outgrow ourparty slash club attire and we
are being called to put themaway.
(27:36):
Listen to that calling.
You can either put them in aplastic container for future use
, host a party with yourgirlfriends and gift a few
outfits, or donate them.
One friend rented a large trashmetal container that was left
in her driveway while shecleaned out her mom's
(27:56):
whore-filled house.
That was an option too.
Next one the shopaholic as soulin pain.
Shopping can become a traumaresponse too, not because
someone is shallow, but becausethey are one trying to fill an
inner void.
Every purchase brings a hit ofdopamine, a fleeting sense of
(28:20):
value or worth.
Maybe if I own beautiful things, I'll feel beautiful, but the
wound remains hungry, the itemsgather dust and, as one man put
it, the high of the purchase wasmore rewarding than actually
receiving the item or attendingthe concert.
Number two seeking identity orcontrol.
(28:43):
Trauma can fracture our senseof self.
Shopping becomes a way torebuild one's identity new
clothes, new decor, a newversion of oneself.
It's control in a world thatonce felt unsafe or
unpredictable.
It can also be a new mask, onethat appears prosperous and
(29:05):
successful in life, but thereality behind the mask can tell
a completely different story.
Number three unconscious astralpatterns.
Let's not forget generationaltrauma.
My grandmother had so manyoutfits stored in her garage
sheds and spare bedrooms.
(29:25):
My father said that after shepassed I could have worn a new
outfit three times a day for awhole year.
Therefore, we must not forgetabout the Great Depression and
the post-war period.
In 1929, people would stand inline for free soup and bread.
There were impoverished familylines that followed.
(29:47):
Trauma of scarcity is encodedwithin our DNA, the unconscious
saying don't let it slip throughyour fingers.
Get it now or you'll never haveenough, yep.
So here are my suggestions, andthis one can be tricky for some
people.
We need to slow down and stop.
(30:09):
Remember the dopamine high.
That high hit can derail youand create a downward spiral of
money.
Worry, ask yourself.
Spiral of money, worry, askyourself will it gather dust or
not?
This is why we need to slowdown and think, go within before
you click add to the cartbutton, to ask ourselves why do
(30:34):
I need this item or experience?
Is it to prove my self-worth,impress others because I can
afford it and they can't?
Or is it essential to fit inwith my peers?
Or is it to improve the qualityof my life or health?
Begin to think of everypurchase as either an impulse or
(30:57):
an essential item or tool toimprove the quality of your life
.
This does not include designerfashions or name brand products
like Yeti or Nike, but rathersmart purchases.
Sometimes I ask myself if Ireally need it now or can I wait
(31:17):
until next month?
You can still ride that wave ofexcitement when you experience
the dopamine high, but bemindful, rational and honest.
Which is 4D, rather thanimpulsive and full of regret
later, which is a 3D pattern.
And behavior and behavior.
(31:46):
The next one, trauma, is aninvisible architect of behavior.
Trauma is not just a wound ofthe moment.
It becomes a silent architect,drawing blueprints in the unseen
corners of the psyche.
It builds structures that shapehow we move through life, how
we relate to our belongings, ourbodies, our time and even our
worth.
Trauma doesn't always shout.
(32:07):
It whispers beneath awarenessand in those whispers it
instructs stay small, it's safer.
Keep everything.
You might need it when theworld turns cold.
Don't let go.
Letting go means loss.
If no one saw you before, maybethey'll see you if you surround
(32:29):
yourself with more.
These internal blueprints areprotective, not pathological.
They were drafted in momentswhen the soul braced for
survival, when the body, mind orheart didn't feel safe, seen or
supported.
Just as an architect may designa fortress to protect, trauma
(32:53):
designs behaviors to shield thewounded self from pain.
Repeating Clutter, for example,might not be about laziness or
disorganization.
It can be about security,control and unspoken grief.
When the nervous systemexperiences trauma, especially
(33:16):
over time, it begins to craftinvisible instructions for
survival.
These instructions don't alwaysshow up in flashbacks or panics
.
Sometimes they wear everydaydisguises a cluttered room, a
shopping cart full of unuseditems or a home bursting with
(33:38):
objects that once promisedcomfort.
Trauma becomes an invisiblearchitect laying out internal
blueprints for safety, belongingand identity, but with tools
shaped by fear, abandonment orgrief.
These blueprints are rarelyconscious.
They are protective patternsplayed out behind the scenes of
(34:03):
one's subconscious mind onautopilot.
Imagine a child who never had astable home.
Each time they settled, lifeupheaved, a move, a breakup, an
eviction so the child began tokeep small things rocks, toys,
wrappers, notes.
These objects became anchors ina sea of instability.
(34:28):
The physical items are not juststuff.
They are proof of existence,connectivity and control.
Now that the child grows up,clutter follows, not because
they are broken, but becausethat part of them still believes
If I have all these things, Iwon't feel lost again.
(34:53):
The trauma wrote the blueprint.
The clutter is the structure.
So let's look at this topicfurther from two different
perspectives the compulsiveshopping and relationship trauma
.
Compulsive shopping buying whatlove didn't give.
For some who experiencedemotional neglect or
(35:16):
inconsistent love, especially inearly relationships, buying
things can become a stand-in forreceiving love the new dress, a
momentary feeling of being seen, the tenth candle, a brief
flicker of warmth that wasmissing from home.
The unopened boxes, a symbol ofhope that someday life will
(35:40):
feel complete.
It's not just about the object,it's the emotion.
The object promises to deliver,such as beauty, comfort, status
, attention and security.
But the dopamine fades and thesoul is left with more clutter,
(36:00):
physical and emotional.
What was once a copingmechanism becomes a cycle of
unfulfilled longing.
Not because the person isbroken or shallow, because the
trauma blueprint says if otherscan't choose me, maybe I can
choose something that makes mefeel whole.
Next one relationship trauma.
(36:23):
When the heart clutters thehome.
Those who have been throughtoxic, codependent or
narcissistic relationships oftencarry the debris of emotional
chaos into their environment.
You might find yourself holdingonto objects from a painful
relationship because part of youstill needs to understand what
(36:47):
happened.
Or you may begin clutteringyour space as a way to build
walls, an unconscious signal toothers and yourself this is my
fortress.
No one gets in easily again.
Or you could hoard sentimentalitems that represent the idea of
(37:07):
love, even if love itself wasmissing in those moments.
This kind of trauma oftenleaves people in a push-pull
with their environment.
They want freedom, clarity andspace, but also find comfort in
the familiar chaos space, butalso find comfort in the
(37:33):
familiar chaos why?
Because it mirrors the nervoussystem's internal state.
Here's some soul wisdom.
There is nothing shameful aboutthe coping structures we build
when we didn't have the light tosee the truth which was hidden
in the dark corners of our minds.
We must first honor, honor,honor the architect, even if it
(37:54):
was born from fear.
When we bring loving awarenessto the why behind the behavior,
we soften it, we open a door toredesign the blueprint, with our
higher self at the helm.
I say to you now you are notyour clutter, nor the
(38:15):
architecture of your trauma,dear one, you are the soul who
can now redesign.
The home within Release does notmean loss.
The home within Release doesnot mean loss.
It can mean liberation.
Clarity is not empty.
It is space for new miracles toland and healing is not
(38:42):
demolition, it's a sacredrenovation.
Therefore, you are not crazyand you are not a mess.
You are not crazy and you arenot a mess.
You are not too much and youare not your past.
Your behaviors were brilliantstrategies from a time when your
light was dimmed and your heartwas struggling to survive, but
you are not there anymore.
(39:03):
You are not just the architector the builder.
You are now the divinehomeowner and you get to decide
what stays.
Let every object, every purchase, every item in your space
become a question.
Does this bring me intoremembrance of who I truly am?
(39:26):
Is this here because I love itor because I've been trying to
feel loved?
This isn't about minimalism.
It's about sovereignty andmaking room for your future to
land.
In fact, it's about building asanctuary that speaks your
(39:47):
soul's actual name.
Suggestion here is a groundingpractice to reclaiming your
sacred space.
I would like to suggest agrounding practice and if this
technique speaks to you, go tothis blog post and copy and
paste the content here.
Use it as often as you need.
(40:07):
So let's try it now.
Take a moment Pause, just pause, just breathe.
Let this not be about fixing,but feeling.
Place one hand on your heartand one on your lower belly,
(40:32):
let's say your solar plexus,because that's your place of
power.
Feel the warmth of your owntouch.
Let it be an anchor.
Take three slow, intentionalbreaths.
As you inhale, say to yourselfin your mind or out loud I am
safe now.
And when you exhale, say Idon't have to carry it all
(41:02):
anymore.
I am safe now.
I don't have to carry it allanymore.
Do that one more time.
I am safe now.
I don't have to carry it allanymore.
Look around the room you're inGently, without judgment.
Let your eyes land on oneobject, just one that stirs
(41:24):
emotions.
It could be a gift, a piece ofclothing, a photo, even a pile.
Ask this object or cluster.
Why have I kept you?
What do you remind me of?
What part of me are youprotecting?
Then ask your soul do I stillneed this story?
(41:47):
Am I ready to set somethingdown?
If yes, thank the item.
Literally speak it.
Thank you for serving me.
Then either place it withintention or begin the process
of letting it go.
If no, simply honor that.
(42:11):
This is a journey of reclaimingat a pace of love.
You are not clearing clutter.
You are clearing space for yoursoul to shine and sing again.
Judgment versus comparison.
When we judge someone's mess orspending, we often do so to
protect ourselves from feelingpowerless.
(42:33):
It's easier to label than tolean in with love.
But if we can shift fromjudgment to curiosity, we can
begin to ask what happened?
Was your house always like thissince you were a child?
I'm just curious.
Have you ever experiencedtrauma?
(42:54):
What happened to you that madeyou feel safer in clutter than
in clarity?
What aches are you trying tosoothe with that purchase?
You trying to soothe with thatpurchase?
And then we touch the humanityinside the habit with curiosity
(43:14):
and a compassionate, open heart.
That's where healing begins.
So here are my suggestions.
When I was younger and I knewnothing about trauma, I was
judgmental and it was wrong.
I didn't know any better, but Ido now.
Every time I see a messy car,bedroom, house, yard or garage,
(43:36):
I can see and feel that painscattered everywhere and in
everything.
It can appear like madness or amental illness, and in some way
it is Madness at how the painand trauma were so all-consuming
that the person could no longerfunction, did not have the
energy or desire to clean up ortake care of themselves.
(43:59):
The dark depression justswallowed them up whole and left
them an empty shell, surviving,not thriving.
Walking side by side withsomeone you care about or love
who is stuck in trauma can betraumatizing to us as well.
When we stay stuck in judgment,we question what is wrong with
(44:22):
them?
Why can't I help them?
They need me.
We want to fix it and sometimeswe can't.
As seen in the story about Sue,judgment is an ugly 3D trait of
human consciousness.
Compassion, patience, kindness,cooperation and yes acceptance
(44:44):
are all gifts we can give tothose we love and care about,
and the hardest one to give isunconditional love, like the
unconditional love I have forSue.
So my suggestion is to walkslowly by their side, because
this is their journey, not yours.
(45:04):
It is their lesson, and healingtakes time.
So be gentle, not pushy.
Think of them as a woundedanimal or child.
Use a delicate tone of voicefull of warmth, hope and
understanding, silently sittingwith them and just accepting
(45:24):
what is can be so healing forthem, because nobody wants to
sit in their pile of steaminghot crap and pretend to be happy
.
Listen to your heart, not yourego or head that yells.
Clean up your act.
Stop making a fool of yourself.
Just get over it.
You met them and you meet themwhere they are on a healing
(45:51):
journey to rebuild their life orstill stuck in a pit of despair
.
If this information speaks toyou, share it, talk about what
you learned today and be thatbeacon of light and love for
someone in need.
Census information was callingme so loudly.
(46:13):
I've created a free meditationto support anyone.
The title is clearing the innerroom a meditation for meeting
clutter with compassion.
Listen as often as you need,especially when you're about to
organize a drawer closet or takeout the trash or clutter.
Remember emotions are scatteredeverywhere and they can stir up
(46:36):
some of the unresolved painwithin us all.
So be gentle and compassionatewith yourself and others Until
next time, in love and light.
Angela Meyer and Keri Logan Bye.
Welcome to Season 4 of the Undetected Narcissist
Podcast.
Your host, angela Meyer, ishere to bring you clarity if you
are stuck in confusion,self-doubt or feel lost, without
a sense of direction.
This podcast is extremelydifferent because Angela comes
from a place of wisdom,compassion and has been able to
forgive the unforgivable.
(00:22):
She's a mental healthprofessional, trauma-informed
human consciousness guide andempowerment strategist.
She knows one can't truly healand recover when one is stuck in
hate, anger and fear.
One must rise above it, findmeaning, understanding,
compassion for oneself and thetoxic people within our lives.
(00:45):
This season is aboutself-empowerment,
self-realizations andtransformation.
There is always a blog postsupporting this information, so
please visitundetectednarcissistcom so get
ready to learn about yourself,others and find a way to truly
live and thrive.
(01:06):
Once again, enjoy the show.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of
the Undetected Narcissist.
Today I will unpack when traumahides in clutter and compulsion
.
I want to shine my light on hownegative behavior changes often
stem from unprocessed traumawhen it comes to hoarding and
clutter, because people's firstknee-jerk reaction is repulsion,
(01:33):
judgment, shock and disapproval.
People usually don't discussthis topic, but I do.
I care about my clients as wellas you, and I want people to
understand the why factor sothat they can have more
compassion, understanding,sympathy and patience.
What I will do is guide you outof 3D habits and behaviors of
(01:57):
judgment and into the 4D statesof wisdom and reasoning.
Therefore, I will gentlydismantle judgment and invite
you listeners into a space ofcuriosity and compassion With
all the clients I've helped overthe years.
Around this delicate subjectmatter, there are always several
(02:20):
layers of shame, guilt, regret.
Several layers of shame, guilt,regret, sadness and
disappointment.
I see you and I get it.
That is why I'm here to serveand heal humanity with my open
and compassionate heart.
So today we're going to explorethe following themes why do
people shift from being neatfreaks to cluttered or chaotic?
(02:43):
How shopping or accumulationcan be a trauma response.
Trauma is an invisiblearchitect of behavior,
compassion over criticism, howto ask what happened to you
instead of what's wrong with you, and in each section I will
provide suggestions and tools tohelp you clear the clutter and
(03:05):
achieve more peace of mind.
Before we begin, I would like toshare two stories that are
polar opposites and theirextremes, which some of you may
find relatable narcissisticabuse, dissatisfaction in our
marriage or have ended a toxicrelationship.
(03:27):
We can not only put up internal, invisible walls, but also
unconscious and unintentionalexternal walls.
Our clutter and hoarding can bea massive F you sign to the
world, to any man or womaninterested in sexual relations
to avoid sex and, sadly, toourselves in the end.
(03:50):
I want to share my own storyand that of one of my clients.
Just a trigger warning thesestories are not for the faint of
heart.
When our hearts have beenshattered into tiny shards of
glass, we internalize that pain.
Our unprocessed and unhealedpain bleeds out into our
environment.
(04:10):
This includes our home, officespace, garage, car and backyard.
The first story is about Sue.
Sue was happily married and didnot know her husband was toxic.
From my perspective, he wasextremely immature and selfish,
yet he rarely acted like anadult when it came to taking
(04:30):
responsibility for his actionsor lack thereof.
I knew he was a flirt becausehe made several passes at me and
her daughter's friends.
Every time she excused hisdisgusting behavior saying that
it was his Hispanic culture.
It was clear that each time heflirted in front of her she came
(04:50):
up with another rational excuse, but we all saw it as rather
rude, cruel and disrespectfultowards her.
When I met her over 20 yearsago, the home was clean, not
spotless, but anyone could walkin uninvited without feeling
shame, guilt or disappointment.
I spent several nights sleepingin her spare room with my young
(05:14):
daughter when I was moving fromCalifornia to Oregon.
Shortly after I moved to Oregon,her husband cheated on her, not
just once but for months,behind her back, claiming he was
working late or falling asleepat the office.
Sue was the kindest andsweetest woman.
She wanted to understand why,but of course it was all her
(05:38):
fault that his eyes strayed.
It was apparent to everyonethat she was codependent and a
people pleaser, trying her bestto stay neutral and
understanding, but a storm ofanger and rage was crashing
inside of her.
I knew in my heart that thiswould not be easy for her.
She did not throw him out.
(06:00):
He left and lived with anotherwoman for a little over a year.
She got over him and started tomove on with her life.
In fact, they remained friends.
They did not get divorced, justseparated.
Because she was so loving.
She continued to take care ofhis teenage son, who was
humiliated by his father'sactions.
(06:21):
He refused to live with thisnew woman, who was toxic as well
.
Still, her house remained cleanuntil he came crawling back
begging for her to let him moveback into the house.
He love-bombed her so well andshe stayed single the entire
time while he was gone, sleepingin another woman's bed.
(06:41):
It was amusing how his loverleft him because she grew tired
of taking care of him so shekicked him out.
If you have listened to theepisode why People Cheat, this
man played many games with women.
The sad truth is she did notknow the rules of the games or
anything about toxic people, soshe was clueless and in the dark
(07:04):
.
That is why it was so easy forhim to play the victim, refusing
to take responsibility for hisactions, behaviors and admit
that he betrayed her and eventheir marriage vows.
He was like a lost puppy andshe fell for his bullshit.
I wanted to save her, but Iknew this was the path she had
(07:26):
chosen.
It shocked us all.
I could see her silenttransformation and now her home
transformed from being clean toa place I could no longer step
past the front door.
All her repressed anger, rageand silent FUs were scattered
all over the house.
The clutter and trash weredisplayed everywhere for anyone
(07:48):
and everyone to witness her pain.
It was so heartbreaking.
Family could no longer visitduring the holidays because
carpets were damaged beyondrepaired, Rotten food and dirty
dishes lined the counters.
Stacks of papers, magazinepizza boxes and trash lined the
floor and the smell of animalpiss was unbearable.
(08:09):
Even her daughter could nolonger live with her mom.
It was an embarrassment.
But Sue just smiled and saidone day I will clean this place
up.
That day never arrived.
She tried organizing one room,but the unresolved and repressed
trauma and anger still lingered.
This man had her wrapped aroundhis fingers, playing poor little
(08:33):
me, and she fell for his gamesof manipulation.
She liked the feeling of beingwanted and needed, even if it
meant sacrificing her owninterest or temporary happiness.
Yes, many times she threatenedto kick him out, get a divorce,
but she never did.
Soon the clutter and hoardingbecame her norm and nobody, not
(08:56):
even I, could talk any senseinto her.
One year, her family offered torent a storage unit and help
her put everything in storage,restoring the house to its
previous glory.
We all missed the dinners,parties and fun at her home.
Again, it still served apurpose.
Why and how?
(09:16):
Well, each time he pissed heroff, he would not become a
responsible adult or clean upafter himself and was glued to
his video games.
She gave up.
She accepted defeat and becamepassive-aggressive,
internalizing the pain andtrying to play nice Silently
(09:37):
saying F?
You not just to him but toherself, adding to the clutter
with the dirty take takeoutcontainers piled on top of each
other.
I mean, the clutter and trashwas so bad that she could no
longer cook in her kitchen.
Leave him.
We all said you deserve better,know your worth.
(09:57):
You deserve to be happy, notmiserable.
Why, why did you take him backa year later?
Is he that great of a lover?
I don't think so.
Then why?
We all asked over and over.
All our questions and wordsfell on deaf ears.
Eventually, we all gave up andwaited for her to say enough is
(10:18):
enough.
She never did, because shestuffed it down, trying to
appear, appear strong, but wecould all see the truth.
The shame was too much and shegave up on herself.
One day, at her office, Icommented how clean, organized
and clutter free the space was.
Sue is a massage therapist andthe way she decorated and
(10:40):
designed the room was sowelcoming and inviting.
I could see and feel theunconditional love that she
created within this sacred spaceof hers.
It smelled of lavender and thefresh arrangement of flowers
added that special touch to makeanyone feel invited.
I inquired if she had finallycleaned up her home.
(11:02):
It had been over 10 years now.
I got the answer I wasexpecting she had not, and I
could feel her shame.
In a gentle tone of voice Iexpressed the idea that perhaps
all the clutter was her unspokenanger and rage towards him and
herself, and how she had takenhim back and babied him.
(11:26):
She did not set boundaries,attend marriage counseling or
resolve any of the issues withintheir marriage.
I know this made her think, butshe has stayed the same and
decided to stay stuck in anunhealthy, toxic marriage.
In an unhealthy, toxic marriage.
It's been over 15 years andstill she held onto her
(11:47):
resentful anger and rage,stuffing it down so deep,
pretending everything was finebehind her smiling mask.
Some could not see the absolutetruth that existed behind her
mask of armor, but I could Eachday.
She did not punish him, butonly punished herself by
(12:08):
existing living in a house thatlooks like a homeless camp.
The sad realization is that Suehad mastered several of the 40
human consciousness traits,behaviors, attitudes and ways of
living.
I saw forgiveness, compassion,reasoning, acceptance, patience
(12:28):
and kindness.
She gave it freely to everyone,but not to herself.
That was the problem.
Everyone came first and in theend she suffered, within and
without, as various healthissues developed many strokes,
eye issues, high blood pressureand her crown of glory was no
(12:50):
longer thick and luscious, butbalding in some patches.
That is why I say all the toolswe need exist within the 4D
levels and when we apply thosetools towards ourselves, it is a
gift, the gift of healthyboundaries, being our authentic,
unapologetic self, speaking ourtruth wisely and without fear,
(13:15):
and showing ourselves compassionwhen we get burnt out by
excessively giving giving givingto people who do not appreciate
, respect or value the gifts wegive to them.
Now I would like to reveal toyou the why factor that I see
and get from a 5D and 6Dfrequency perspective.
(13:38):
Sue is here on earth to learn apainful lesson that nobody can
transform but herself, and shedoes not desire to transform.
She is so self-sacrificing thatit is heartbreaking to observe.
Her soul desires to understandthe polar opposite for growth,
(13:59):
expansion, wisdom and ascension.
Her husband is her profoundteacher of her soul.
The lesson she is here to learnare why boundaries, self-love
and self-worth are vital for ourwell-being.
Her soul needs to understandthat being taken for granted is
(14:20):
not a healthy or selfish act ofkindness, because that kindness
is not being appreciated.
There are givers and receiversand then there are just takers.
Her husband is just a taker,not a giver.
Plus, stuffing down one'semotions is a form of self-abuse
(14:40):
because over time thosenegative emotions begin to
create dis-ease within the humanform.
It is hard to say these wordsor even type them, but it is her
truth.
She made these choices beforecoming down to this school of
life on this planet earth.
Sounds like a horrible movieplot or nightmare, but our souls
(15:03):
are all here for a purpose,whether we like it or not to
learn lessons so that we, asbeings of light and love, can
grow, evolve, expand and achievethe ascension process.
It is straightforward, but itseems so darn complex from the
human state of consciousness andperspective.
(15:24):
It is so easy to get in our ownway and get stuck.
The pain is too much to handle.
We knew it would not be an easyjourney, but we knew we could
overcome it if we aligned withcourage, self-worth and
self-belief.
So she is stuck in her stubbornways of thinking, acting and
(15:46):
behaving.
She thinks that she is risingabove the 3D traits, but not
making her number one is themain reason she stays trapped
and stuck within a cage shecreated, taking any morsel of
affection or appreciation shecan get from her husband, no
(16:06):
longer living a life of joy andhappiness, but sadness,
repressed anger anddisappointment.
So I see her and I get her.
I am not here to judge her orfeel sorry for her, as hard as
it might seem.
I love her even when she is acomplete mess and is trying her
(16:29):
best to hold her head high.
I honor her journey because ittakes courage to smile when
someone is draining the life outof your soul.
I am just the observer wholoves her unconditionally and
still honors her soul'sagreement here on earth.
When she dies, her spirit willcry to our creator why?
(16:54):
Why did you not answer myprayers In a gentle and loving
voice?
Our creator replies I did mybeloved several times and each
time you did not listen.
What do you mean?
She asks In a space of stillsilence and reflection.
She recalled the parable storythat our Creator often answers
(17:18):
prayers through unexpected meansconversations or signs.
Conversations or signs.
We should be open torecognizing those answers.
Just as a man stranded at seaprays for rescue, our Creator
knew she received the unspokenmessage he just sent to her soul
With so much unconditional love.
(17:40):
Our Creator said to her brightand beautiful spirit, which now
merged with her soul I broughtfriends, family, clients and
even strangers into your life tosupport you by answering your
daily prayers.
Each time their kindness andgenerosity were too much for you
to bear, you only acceptedmorsels and scraps.
(18:03):
I wanted you to realize thatyou were worthy of so much more.
My child, you did not feel orthink that you were worthy of
their selfless acts of kindnessand unconditional love.
I was there for you every timeand just by rejecting yourself,
(18:26):
your heartfelt prayers have nowwounded your heart.
Dear one, do you comprehend thelesson now?
That was deep.
Yeah, I was shared to sharethat story.
Therefore, she hid behind asmiling mask made of tears,
heartache and sorrow.
(18:47):
Her walls were enormous, toobig to face or confront because
she still needed them to surviveanother day of being the yes,
ma'am.
People pleaser.
His needs always came beforehers and it showed.
As I typed these words, myheart goes out to her.
Can you see how the last fewepisodes and podcast material
(19:11):
weave into this story perfectly?
She is considered the oppositeof the bad bitch archetype.
This is not an easy story toshare with you listeners.
Now for the next story and whatinspired this information and
I'll make it short, I promisethe reality of feeling stuck
(19:31):
after a toxic relationship.
Recently I had a delightfulwoman come see me because she
was feeling stuck.
Within two minutes I knew shewas temporarily narcissistic.
Her F-U vibe was magnetic andloud.
I could see and feel theback-off bad-bitch attitude.
Yet she wanted to change andneeded help.
(19:53):
Here is her list of complaintsa wall of resistance that is old
and outdated keeps putting upher guard, still dealing with
feeling betrayed by her exprocrastination.
The bedroom is a disaster ofclutter, scarcity, mindset,
shopaholic, stuck in survivalmode, jaw clenching, feels,
(20:16):
bogged down, clutter person.
At first she was ashamed totalk about feeling stuck.
She felt stupid, but she wasnot.
She still had unresolved traumafrom her ex.
I asked her if her entire houseyou know her car, her workspace
was a mess.
To my surprise, I learned thatthe only room in the whole house
(20:39):
that was disorganized,cluttered, mess was her bedroom.
I smiled and said well, that's aloud F?
You to keep men away.
I get it.
Yet your bedroom is your sacredspace of rest and renewal.
You need to fix this, and wecan.
She smiled and laughed, and wecan.
She smiled and laughed.
(20:59):
That F?
You is not just for my ex, butmy mom.
She digs into me every time shecomes over and opens my bedroom
door.
I can't stand it when she doesthat.
She rubs my face in all thisclutter and mess, making me feel
small and stupid.
She knew I got it.
(21:20):
In that moment there was zerojudgment, just compassion.
That is when she pulled out hercell phone and showed me
pictures of her bedroom.
At first it felt like a test,but I had to see it.
Yes, my heart sank, but I'mhere to help not feel sorry for
her.
I could see all the emotionalpain, excessive shopaholic
tendencies and her open wounds.
(21:42):
There were no pictures on thewalls, no life and no color.
It was like a hollow shellfilled with piles of clothing,
shoes, makeup and other girlyaccessories.
Then she showed me her livingroom.
It was so beautiful andperfectly decorated.
It showed a complete differentside of this woman.
(22:03):
I smiled and told her that Iget it.
Time had passed and this FU vibeis no longer serving you but
hurting you.
It is an external wall whichshe created to keep people away.
What we need is to learn how toset healthy boundaries.
Educate yourself about thetoxic traits and behaviors.
(22:26):
Find your voice and speak yourtruth without fear.
Sandwich approach A little bitof something is better than a
whole lot of nothing.
Creating a plan of action forthe organization of your bedroom
.
Dismantle your internal wallsand it will no longer serve you.
Set a budget for getting yourbedroom organized and design her
(22:49):
sacred space again.
Learn the art of grace throughacceptance, since she still has
to deal with her ex and mom.
Discover why people cheatbecause her ex cheated on her
and, one day, how to forgive theunforgivable.
That's a long list, but atleast it serves as a roadmap for
a transformation and healingjourney.
(23:11):
She realized that the shoppingaddiction was only used as an
outside source of comfort.
She used it as a reward whenshe was stressed out.
I explained the vicious cycleof shopping addiction because it
creates a scarcity mindset withmoney.
She knew her salary exceededwhat she needed to cover all her
bills, but still she panickedabout money.
(23:34):
An audio recording process tosupport her in healing and
visualizing herself organizingher bedroom.
I did not see any trash in herbedroom, just clothing and items
with price tags scattered about.
So I removed the negativethought patterns and beliefs and
installed several positivesuggestions within her
(23:55):
subconscious mind to build hermotivation and drive for success
.
At the end of the session shefelt great.
She could visualize herselfsetting a budget and purchasing
items to organize her closet andspace under her bed.
Her walls were decorated andthe bedroom had the status of a
queen, without her quills.
(24:16):
She shared that she had beenwanting to do this for months
but had always given up becausethe thought and visual mess was
more overwhelming than the taskat hand.
Now she felt this purpose andpulled to rebuild her life and
the process would be fun, nolonger dreadful.
So I hope those two storieshelped someone perhaps to better
(24:40):
understand themselves andsomeone you care about who is
still struggling.
Let's now explore the four areasI mentioned earlier.
From neat, freak to clutter,trauma, hidden hand.
I want you to understand thesepatterns of behavior.
When we are dealing with trauma, when someone who once prized
(25:04):
order and cleanliness suddenlyallows mess and clutter to take
over, we often mislabel it aslaziness or giving up.
But what if it actually is onerebellion, rebellion against
perfectionism.
1.
Rebellion, rebellion againstperfectionism.
If neatness was once a form ofcontrol, perhaps instilled by a
(25:32):
critical parent or a punishingenvironment, then mess becomes a
subconscious act of liberation.
Trauma says I'm done trying tobe perfect, I'm tired of earning
love through performance.
Number two overwhelm andemotional numbing.
Trauma overloads the nervoussystem.
Clutter can mirror the chaosinside the pile.
(25:53):
Of laundry isn't just clothes,it's unprocessed grief,
suppressed rage or theexhaustion of pretending
everything's okay.
Number three creating a bufferzone.
Sometimes clutter becomes a wayto self-isolate, a protective
cocoon.
(26:13):
If I make myself and my spaceundesirable, maybe people will
leave me alone and I won't gethurt again, can you see?
So here's the suggestions.
When I work with clients whostruggle with clutter and
organization, they often findthat the sight and thought of it
are more overwhelming than thetask itself.
(26:35):
So I suggest they mark theircalendar to spend just one hour
getting organized or cleaning upthe trash.
Create a plan of action anddocument it.
If you struggle with being ashopaholic, set a budget and
only purchase items that willclear the clutter rather than
add to it.
(26:55):
Start by organizing one draweror grouping a few piles of
clothing into categories for thecloset, under the bed or in a
dresser.
Make it a fun experience Playmusic or listen to a podcast,
burn some incense, buy a plantor some flowers and put it on
(27:16):
the dresser, pull back the darkdrapes of depression and open up
a window to let the air in.
You can ask a friend for helpand then take them out to lunch
as a gesture of appreciation.
And sometimes we outgrow ourparty slash club attire and we
are being called to put themaway.
(27:36):
Listen to that calling.
You can either put them in aplastic container for future use
, host a party with yourgirlfriends and gift a few
outfits, or donate them.
One friend rented a large trashmetal container that was left
in her driveway while shecleaned out her mom's
(27:56):
whore-filled house.
That was an option too.
Next one the shopaholic as soulin pain.
Shopping can become a traumaresponse too, not because
someone is shallow, but becausethey are one trying to fill an
inner void.
Every purchase brings a hit ofdopamine, a fleeting sense of
(28:20):
value or worth.
Maybe if I own beautiful things, I'll feel beautiful, but the
wound remains hungry, the itemsgather dust and, as one man put
it, the high of the purchase wasmore rewarding than actually
receiving the item or attendingthe concert.
Number two seeking identity orcontrol.
(28:43):
Trauma can fracture our senseof self.
Shopping becomes a way torebuild one's identity new
clothes, new decor, a newversion of oneself.
It's control in a world thatonce felt unsafe or
unpredictable.
It can also be a new mask, onethat appears prosperous and
(29:05):
successful in life, but thereality behind the mask can tell
a completely different story.
Number three unconscious astralpatterns.
Let's not forget generationaltrauma.
My grandmother had so manyoutfits stored in her garage
sheds and spare bedrooms.
(29:25):
My father said that after shepassed I could have worn a new
outfit three times a day for awhole year.
Therefore, we must not forgetabout the Great Depression and
the post-war period.
In 1929, people would stand inline for free soup and bread.
There were impoverished familylines that followed.
(29:47):
Trauma of scarcity is encodedwithin our DNA, the unconscious
saying don't let it slip throughyour fingers.
Get it now or you'll never haveenough, yep.
So here are my suggestions, andthis one can be tricky for some
people.
We need to slow down and stop.
(30:09):
Remember the dopamine high.
That high hit can derail youand create a downward spiral of
money.
Worry, ask yourself.
Spiral of money, worry, askyourself will it gather dust or
not?
This is why we need to slowdown and think, go within before
you click add to the cartbutton, to ask ourselves why do
(30:34):
I need this item or experience?
Is it to prove my self-worth,impress others because I can
afford it and they can't?
Or is it essential to fit inwith my peers?
Or is it to improve the qualityof my life or health?
Begin to think of everypurchase as either an impulse or
(30:57):
an essential item or tool toimprove the quality of your life
.
This does not include designerfashions or name brand products
like Yeti or Nike, but rathersmart purchases.
Sometimes I ask myself if Ireally need it now or can I wait
(31:17):
until next month?
You can still ride that wave ofexcitement when you experience
the dopamine high, but bemindful, rational and honest.
Which is 4D, rather thanimpulsive and full of regret
later, which is a 3D pattern.
And behavior and behavior.
(31:46):
The next one, trauma, is aninvisible architect of behavior.
Trauma is not just a wound ofthe moment.
It becomes a silent architect,drawing blueprints in the unseen
corners of the psyche.
It builds structures that shapehow we move through life, how
we relate to our belongings, ourbodies, our time and even our
worth.
Trauma doesn't always shout.
(32:07):
It whispers beneath awarenessand in those whispers it
instructs stay small, it's safer.
Keep everything.
You might need it when theworld turns cold.
Don't let go.
Letting go means loss.
If no one saw you before, maybethey'll see you if you surround
(32:29):
yourself with more.
These internal blueprints areprotective, not pathological.
They were drafted in momentswhen the soul braced for
survival, when the body, mind orheart didn't feel safe, seen or
supported.
Just as an architect may designa fortress to protect, trauma
(32:53):
designs behaviors to shield thewounded self from pain.
Repeating Clutter, for example,might not be about laziness or
disorganization.
It can be about security,control and unspoken grief.
When the nervous systemexperiences trauma, especially
(33:16):
over time, it begins to craftinvisible instructions for
survival.
These instructions don't alwaysshow up in flashbacks or panics
.
Sometimes they wear everydaydisguises a cluttered room, a
shopping cart full of unuseditems or a home bursting with
(33:38):
objects that once promisedcomfort.
Trauma becomes an invisiblearchitect laying out internal
blueprints for safety, belongingand identity, but with tools
shaped by fear, abandonment orgrief.
These blueprints are rarelyconscious.
They are protective patternsplayed out behind the scenes of
(34:03):
one's subconscious mind onautopilot.
Imagine a child who never had astable home.
Each time they settled, lifeupheaved, a move, a breakup, an
eviction so the child began tokeep small things rocks, toys,
wrappers, notes.
These objects became anchors ina sea of instability.
(34:28):
The physical items are not juststuff.
They are proof of existence,connectivity and control.
Now that the child grows up,clutter follows, not because
they are broken, but becausethat part of them still believes
If I have all these things, Iwon't feel lost again.
(34:53):
The trauma wrote the blueprint.
The clutter is the structure.
So let's look at this topicfurther from two different
perspectives the compulsiveshopping and relationship trauma
.
Compulsive shopping buying whatlove didn't give.
For some who experiencedemotional neglect or
(35:16):
inconsistent love, especially inearly relationships, buying
things can become a stand-in forreceiving love the new dress, a
momentary feeling of being seen, the tenth candle, a brief
flicker of warmth that wasmissing from home.
The unopened boxes, a symbol ofhope that someday life will
(35:40):
feel complete.
It's not just about the object,it's the emotion.
The object promises to deliver,such as beauty, comfort, status
, attention and security.
But the dopamine fades and thesoul is left with more clutter,
(36:00):
physical and emotional.
What was once a copingmechanism becomes a cycle of
unfulfilled longing.
Not because the person isbroken or shallow, because the
trauma blueprint says if otherscan't choose me, maybe I can
choose something that makes mefeel whole.
Next one relationship trauma.
(36:23):
When the heart clutters thehome.
Those who have been throughtoxic, codependent or
narcissistic relationships oftencarry the debris of emotional
chaos into their environment.
You might find yourself holdingonto objects from a painful
relationship because part of youstill needs to understand what
(36:47):
happened.
Or you may begin clutteringyour space as a way to build
walls, an unconscious signal toothers and yourself this is my
fortress.
No one gets in easily again.
Or you could hoard sentimentalitems that represent the idea of
(37:07):
love, even if love itself wasmissing in those moments.
This kind of trauma oftenleaves people in a push-pull
with their environment.
They want freedom, clarity andspace, but also find comfort in
the familiar chaos space, butalso find comfort in the
(37:33):
familiar chaos why?
Because it mirrors the nervoussystem's internal state.
Here's some soul wisdom.
There is nothing shameful aboutthe coping structures we build
when we didn't have the light tosee the truth which was hidden
in the dark corners of our minds.
We must first honor, honor,honor the architect, even if it
(37:54):
was born from fear.
When we bring loving awarenessto the why behind the behavior,
we soften it, we open a door toredesign the blueprint, with our
higher self at the helm.
I say to you now you are notyour clutter, nor the
(38:15):
architecture of your trauma,dear one, you are the soul who
can now redesign.
The home within Release does notmean loss.
The home within Release doesnot mean loss.
It can mean liberation.
Clarity is not empty.
It is space for new miracles toland and healing is not
(38:42):
demolition, it's a sacredrenovation.
Therefore, you are not crazyand you are not a mess.
You are not crazy and you arenot a mess.
You are not too much and youare not your past.
Your behaviors were brilliantstrategies from a time when your
light was dimmed and your heartwas struggling to survive, but
you are not there anymore.
(39:03):
You are not just the architector the builder.
You are now the divinehomeowner and you get to decide
what stays.
Let every object, every purchase, every item in your space
become a question.
Does this bring me intoremembrance of who I truly am?
(39:26):
Is this here because I love itor because I've been trying to
feel loved?
This isn't about minimalism.
It's about sovereignty andmaking room for your future to
land.
In fact, it's about building asanctuary that speaks your
(39:47):
soul's actual name.
Suggestion here is a groundingpractice to reclaiming your
sacred space.
I would like to suggest agrounding practice and if this
technique speaks to you, go tothis blog post and copy and
paste the content here.
Use it as often as you need.
(40:07):
So let's try it now.
Take a moment Pause, just pause, just breathe.
Let this not be about fixing,but feeling.
Place one hand on your heartand one on your lower belly,
(40:32):
let's say your solar plexus,because that's your place of
power.
Feel the warmth of your owntouch.
Let it be an anchor.
Take three slow, intentionalbreaths.
As you inhale, say to yourselfin your mind or out loud I am
safe now.
And when you exhale, say Idon't have to carry it all
(41:02):
anymore.
I am safe now.
I don't have to carry it allanymore.
Do that one more time.
I am safe now.
I don't have to carry it allanymore.
Look around the room you're inGently, without judgment.
Let your eyes land on oneobject, just one that stirs
(41:24):
emotions.
It could be a gift, a piece ofclothing, a photo, even a pile.
Ask this object or cluster.
Why have I kept you?
What do you remind me of?
What part of me are youprotecting?
Then ask your soul do I stillneed this story?
(41:47):
Am I ready to set somethingdown?
If yes, thank the item.
Literally speak it.
Thank you for serving me.
Then either place it withintention or begin the process
of letting it go.
If no, simply honor that.
(42:11):
This is a journey of reclaimingat a pace of love.
You are not clearing clutter.
You are clearing space for yoursoul to shine and sing again.
Judgment versus comparison.
When we judge someone's mess orspending, we often do so to
protect ourselves from feelingpowerless.
(42:33):
It's easier to label than tolean in with love.
But if we can shift fromjudgment to curiosity, we can
begin to ask what happened?
Was your house always like thissince you were a child?
I'm just curious.
Have you ever experiencedtrauma?
(42:54):
What happened to you that madeyou feel safer in clutter than
in clarity?
What aches are you trying tosoothe with that purchase?
You trying to soothe with thatpurchase?
And then we touch the humanityinside the habit with curiosity
(43:14):
and a compassionate, open heart.
That's where healing begins.
So here are my suggestions.
When I was younger and I knewnothing about trauma, I was
judgmental and it was wrong.
I didn't know any better, but Ido now.
Every time I see a messy car,bedroom, house, yard or garage,
(43:36):
I can see and feel that painscattered everywhere and in
everything.
It can appear like madness or amental illness, and in some way
it is Madness at how the painand trauma were so all-consuming
that the person could no longerfunction, did not have the
energy or desire to clean up ortake care of themselves.
(43:59):
The dark depression justswallowed them up whole and left
them an empty shell, surviving,not thriving.
Walking side by side withsomeone you care about or love
who is stuck in trauma can betraumatizing to us as well.
When we stay stuck in judgment,we question what is wrong with
(44:22):
them?
Why can't I help them?
They need me.
We want to fix it and sometimeswe can't.
As seen in the story about Sue,judgment is an ugly 3D trait of
human consciousness.
Compassion, patience, kindness,cooperation and yes acceptance
(44:44):
are all gifts we can give tothose we love and care about,
and the hardest one to give isunconditional love, like the
unconditional love I have forSue.
So my suggestion is to walkslowly by their side, because
this is their journey, not yours.
(45:04):
It is their lesson, and healingtakes time.
So be gentle, not pushy.
Think of them as a woundedanimal or child.
Use a delicate tone of voicefull of warmth, hope and
understanding, silently sittingwith them and just accepting
(45:24):
what is can be so healing forthem, because nobody wants to
sit in their pile of steaminghot crap and pretend to be happy
.
Listen to your heart, not yourego or head that yells.
Clean up your act.
Stop making a fool of yourself.
Just get over it.
You met them and you meet themwhere they are on a healing
(45:51):
journey to rebuild their life orstill stuck in a pit of despair
.
If this information speaks toyou, share it, talk about what
you learned today and be thatbeacon of light and love for
someone in need.
Census information was callingme so loudly.
(46:13):
I've created a free meditationto support anyone.
The title is clearing the innerroom a meditation for meeting
clutter with compassion.
Listen as often as you need,especially when you're about to
organize a drawer closet or takeout the trash or clutter.
Remember emotions are scatteredeverywhere and they can stir up
(46:36):
some of the unresolved painwithin us all.
So be gentle and compassionatewith yourself and others Until
next time, in love and light.
Angela Meyer and Keri Logan Bye.
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