March 12, 2025 • 21 mins
Every parent has a different approach—some lean toward caution and protection, while others believe in letting kids explore, take risks, and learn from their mistakes. In this episode of The Unhinged Father, I dive into the real-life balancing act between my wife’s cautious parenting style and my more hands-off, let-them-figure-it-out approach.
After a day at the park watching our kids climb, fall, and push their limits, I realized just how important it is to have differing parenting styles in a household. While one parent sees danger, the other sees an opportunity for growth. But which approach is better? Spoiler alert: Neither—and that’s exactly the point.
We discuss:
✅ The importance of balance between risk-taking and safety
✅ How differing perspectives create a well-rounded childhood
✅ The biggest struggles parents face when they don’t see eye to eye
✅ Why consistency in parenting (even with different approaches) is key for kids’ emotional regulation
This episode isn’t about proving one style is better—it’s about recognizing how different approaches complement each other to create stronger, more resilient kids. Tune in for some unfiltered parenting truths, real-life stories, and a few laughs along the way.
🎧 Listen now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts!
💬 What’s your parenting style? Do you and your partner see eye to eye, or do you balance each other out? Drop a comment or DM me on [Instagram/Twitter handle]—let’s talk!
#ParentingStyles #Fatherhood #TheUnhingedFather #RaisingKids #ModernParenting #MillennialDad #RiskVsSafety
Send a message about the episode!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, everyone, welcome to this week's episode.
Hope you're having a fantasticday, good week, good year.
So far, we are already firmlyinto March, this year's flying
by.
I am doing a terrible job ofkeeping up with my New Year's
resolution, of planning stuff,prepping it out and making sure
that I've got a very good,tangent, cohesive episode
(00:23):
planned out for you all.
But, like always, I haveprocrastinated.
I've just been super busy witha lot of different shit that's
been going on Kids, sports, work, all the shit that we deal with
every day.
I'm making excuses, but I thinkI've got a concept, a good
concept, to talk about today,and it's one that actually came
(00:44):
up because of a situation thathappened at the park the other
day.
Me and my wife and my kids andI just kind of brought up this
idea, this thought pattern, inmy head and I wanted to explore
that today.
So let's go ahead and jump intothe things I wanted to talk
about today.
So this past weekend we were atthe park after church with our
(01:06):
kids and, as I've talked aboutbefore, I've got two little boys
, one of them's five and a half.
One of them just turned two andthe two-year-old is a little
maniac he doesn't have a ton offear, just runs into stuff full
blast.
My favorite is that he'll justrun to come and give me a hug
and it's like his head likewhiplashes back because he runs
into me so hard to give me a hugand barrels into me.
(01:27):
Super cute kid, very intense.
He is very much so like hisfather and my five and a half
year old a little bit morecautious, a little bit more
analytical, likes to approachsituations and kind of look at
things before he just jumpsheadfirst in.
Definitely a lot more like mywife.
But on this particular day I'mreally of the mindset.
(01:49):
When my youngest was not able toreally walk very much and
didn't know what he was doing, Iwould be around him
consistently on the park, justwalking behind him, making sure
he didn't fall off of shit, hurthimself.
But he's now at the age where Ifeel like he's able to go and
do the things he needs to do.
I still keep an eye on him.
I'm not very far away, it'sonly I'm on opposite side of the
(02:09):
park or on the opposite side ofthe church, just like go have
fun at this park, but I stickback.
I'm like 15, 20 feet away fromhim and he just cruises along.
He goes, climbs up the stairs,climbs up to the slide, goes
down the slide.
There's really only one spotthat I worry about with him
where he could fall off and hurthimself.
But we've kind of gotten intothis pattern and he started
(02:32):
climbing up the stairs and goingtowards the slide, which I've
seen him do before.
I let him do that whenever it'sjust me and them at this little
park and his mom sees him andshe yells at me.
She's like Robbie, go overthere and make sure he doesn't
go hurt himself.
And I was like no, he's fine.
I've seen him do this beforeand she, like, was kind of
(02:52):
getting a little bit upsetbecause he was up at the top of
this slide, that's, you know,seven, eight feet in the air,
and he was standing up.
But he learned, he sat down onhis tush, went down the slide
and he was perfectly fine.
And similarly, my older sonstarted doing and he's always
one who asks for help or asks usto help him do things.
(03:14):
So I was actually really proudof him because he had climbed
himself up to the monkey barsand was starting to actually do
them.
He was swinging from each oneand going hand hand and he made
it about halfway.
But my wife saw this too andshe's like I don't want him to
fall back and hit his head andhurt himself.
And I'm like no, he's, he'sokay.
He knows how to fall down andland on his feet.
(03:36):
I taught him how to do thatwhen I help him, um, but I was
just really proud of the factthat he had gone out and done
that.
But the being a proud parent andseeing these things your kids
growth that's not really what Iwanted to talk about today.
It was the difference betweenmy way of looking at stuff and
my wife's way of looking atstuff.
And this episode is not to saythat one way is right and one
(03:56):
way is wrong, because literallythree seconds after my youngest
went down the slide and wasperfectly fine, he tried to
fucking climb up the oppositeway, slipped, fell, hit his head
and he was kind of whimpering alittle bit.
He didn't start crying, itwasn't too bad, but he just kind
of slipped down, hit his faceand slid down the slide.
So obviously both of us wereright.
(04:18):
My son made it down the slide,but also we need to make sure
we're close enough to ensurethat they don't kill themselves,
because that's what childrenare really good at.
They're really good at findingdangerous ways to play and hurt
themselves.
So I was more so just interestedand introspective of the
difference between parentingstyles, because obviously no one
(04:40):
is exactly the same.
Even if you are on the samepage ideologically or
religiously or anything elselike that with your spouse,
you're not always going to thinkabout things in the exact same
manner.
That's just impossible and Idon't think that you'd want that
.
And I guess what I wanted todive into today was just how
it's actually such a good thingto have two separate ways of
(05:04):
thinking about things and how itcan be very difficult for
parents, but it's so good forthe child.
That balancing act that we haveto go through, that we have to
struggle with as parents, is sokey for children to be able to
grow up in a balancedenvironment, look at things from
different perspectives andreally learn how to navigate
(05:25):
life themselves, and it's reallydifficult for parents to do
this.
I know that a lot of people likeme and my wife are both very
strong-willed and opinionatedpeople and we're both relatively
intelligent, part of the reasonwhy my wife is so risk-averse
and so careful about things isbecause she does her line of
(05:46):
work.
She sees some of these crazyass stories.
She sees the story of the kidthat slipped back, hit his head
and fucking had to go to thehospital.
She sees a story of the kidthat jumped off of the slide
instead of trying to slide downon his butt.
So she comes from a differentperspective than I do, where I'm
more so like let the kids bewithin a safe distance to make
(06:06):
sure they don't do anythingreally stupid.
But let the kids do whatthey're going to do.
If they get a little hurt likeit's OK, you go, you comfort
them, you take care of them.
Your job is really to make surethat they don't do anything
fucking so stupid that it'sgoing to cause real issues.
But my wife is not wrong.
Like these things do happen andit is good to be cautious and to
(06:30):
think about different thingsthat could potentially happen.
Like I said before, you don'twant to wrap your kids
completely in bubble tape andhave them walk through life with
no real risk of injury oradversity or anything like that.
But it is good to have a parentwho's looking out for things
that other parents might not belooking out for, because you
never know, there are certainthings that I wouldn't think of,
(06:50):
that could be real risks, realhazards that don't need to be,
that still expose your kids tothe hardships, to the
adversities.
But take away that real,serious element of danger so
that way your kids aren't goingto crack their skull open or get
seriously injured or, you know,potentially not make it like.
That kind of shit does happen,unfortunately, and it's really
(07:11):
hard to think about.
But it is good that we have twodiffering opinions, two
differing parenting styles,because that provides that
balance for our kids where we'renot both just wrapping them up
in fucking, you know, like Isaid, bubble wrap and having
them try to go through lifeprotected from everything, not
feeling any adversity, notfeeling any pain, but also, at
(07:34):
the same time, not having twoparents who are just like, all
right, go ahead, feral children,get the hell out of here, go,
do what you want, I don't give ashit.
If you get hurt, you get hurt.
You know.
Having both sides is better forthe child and provides a more
balanced environment for them,as opposed to having two parents
who are just completely one wayor the other, and that's where
(07:57):
I wanted to go with this is thatthat balance is essential.
It's almost like you've got tohave a scale Thinking of, like
your children, of the scale,like the fulcrum of the scale,
and you know they're at themiddle of that scale and you've
got mom's opinions and thoughtsand parenting style and you've
got dad's opinions and thoughtsand parenting styles and
sometimes one's going to,depending on the situation or
(08:19):
what's going on, one side isgoing to go down and the other
side is going to go up.
There's going to be more weighton with one parent's ideas as
opposed to the other.
But that's why it's a balancingact for the parents to try and
find this place of equilibriumwhere they're in a good place
and they're not fighting oryelling at each other but
(08:41):
they're also providing theirchild with a safe, balanced
environment where they can alsoexperience some of the hardships
and adversity that life isgoing to throw their way.
And the hardest part is notnecessarily for the kids in this
area.
This is really more so aboutthe parents being able to wrap
(09:02):
their heads around that they'renot always right, that other
people think differently thanthem and that sometimes, even if
they are right, they're goingto lose out to the other spouse
because they may have a strongeropinion on something than they
do.
And it really is a balancingact and, like I said, the kids
are going to adapt to whateverthe parents put in front of them
.
Kids are super adaptable.
(09:23):
They're malleable.
That's why our job as parentsis to help them grow and to
learn and to become good humanbeings.
It's mom and dad who are goingto have the issues.
They're the ones who are goingto fight.
They're the ones who are goingto be like no, my Ray is better.
They're the ones who are goingto be like you're coddling him
or like you're not being anattentive father or whatever the
fuck that you're going to sayto each other.
(09:44):
You are the two that need tofigure your shit out and get in
a good spot, because, ultimately, what's going to cause
disruption for your kids is notwhether or not you let them go
and do something on their own orwhether or not you're hovering
around them and trying to makesure that they don't hurt
themselves.
What's going to have a negativeimpact on them is if you're
(10:05):
yelling at each other, if you'refighting or you're giving
conflicting information to yourchild.
That's one area that can bereally difficult is that mom
says yes, dad says no.
And kids are smart.
They're a little manipulativeassholes sometimes and they'll
learn to play this off of eachother.
My five and a half year oldhe's already started to learn
this.
He'll be like, ask me something.
(10:27):
I'll say something like I don'tknow, like not right now, and
then he'll go and ask his momand like what did your father
say?
And dad just said, oh, he justsaid not a couple minutes ago,
or something like that, like hetries to find ways to manipulate
the situation, which is smartof him in some aspects but also
really infuriating.
(10:47):
Anyways, besides them beingable to try and play off of you
guys, it's when you giveconflicting information to
children.
It's going to be reallydysregulating for them moving
forward.
Right, if dad says, yes, you canjump on the couch, and mom says
, no, you can't jump on thecouch.
When dad's around, I can jumpon the couch.
(11:08):
But then mom comes in and seesyou jumping on the couch and you
get in trouble and you're likeI wasn't doing anything wrong, I
was just doing what I thoughtthat I was allowed to do.
And then mom gets mad at you,you get yelled at.
And then you've got this, justlike this lingering thing in the
back of your head, like youalmost have to start playing a
game because the rules aren'tset consistently.
It's like every situationyou're trying to figure out can
(11:30):
I do this, can I not do this?
And it could be the exact sameaction just in a different
circumstance or differentsituation, and you're like I
don't know, and it could causeanxiety, dysregulation,
emotional outbursts, things likethat.
All these things that kids havehappened because they don't
really know how to deal withthis or handle these types of
things.
Yet they're still learning.
That's what's going to causethose types of things.
(11:51):
And so you might even bethinking to yourself like it
would be a lot easier if justone parent was the one in charge
of the child, or one parent wasmaking the rules, setting
everything, so that way there'sno confusion.
That way you don't have theseissues pop up in the future, but
that's not necessarily greatfor the child either.
These issues pop up in thefuture, but that's not
necessarily great for the childeither.
(12:16):
Now, I'm not here to rag onsingle parents or single moms,
single dads.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm not saying that you aren'table to provide your child with
a good life.
What I'm looking at is likewhat's the ideal situation?
And looking at it like if youare in a two-parent household,
then how are you going to handlethese situations?
And one of the things that youdo miss out if you only have one
parent who is responsible formaking the rules or for what you
(12:37):
can do.
What you can't do is thatyou're going to just fall in
line with whatever they think.
There is no conflictingideology.
There's no conflicting thoughtson whether or not you can have
a dessert tonight, or whether ornot eating a happy meal is okay
, or whether or not jumping onthe couch or making a wrestling
(12:59):
ring out of pillows on the flooris acceptable.
If you only got one parent'sopinion and they lean one way or
the other, you're going to fallinto this childhood where
you're consistently eitheroverly protected or overly
regulated, or you're just goingto be given all the freedom to
do whatever you want, hurtyourself, do things that are not
(13:19):
necessarily good, not learn thedifference between right and
wrong, like there's going to bea lot of different things that
can come up for you.
So I personally think that it'sreally a good thing to have two
parents who provide balance toeach other.
They provide this balance ofideas and ideologies and thought
(13:40):
processes and they implementthose onto their kids.
The hard part, like I've saidbefore, is just getting those
parents on the same page, makingsure that they don't fight,
making sure that if there is adifference of opinions, that
they don't just sit there andone either have a blow fight in
front of the kids and bitch andyell at each other and say mean
and horrible things, or two andalmost worse, undermine the
(14:03):
other parent's authority by likesaying, oh, you could do this
when mom's not here, or youcould do this when dad's not
here, or you can't do this whenmom's here.
Like whatever, it isUndermining the other parent's
authority, Whatever you do as aparent.
So whatever you choose orwhatever ends up being the right
call is, you need to be on thesame page with your spouse or
(14:24):
your partner or whatever it is.
Whoever you're co-parenting Idon't give a shit what it is.
If there's someone else that'sproviding this balance to your
kids and has some sort ofauthority over them, you need to
be on the same page.
And it reminds me of a storythat me and my wife disagreed on
a certain punishment and shedidn't have the chance to talk
to me about it.
But she said that thispunishment was gonna happen and
(14:47):
she decided to move forward withthat and I really didn't agree
with the type of punishment thatit was, but I stood by her, I
let her do it and thatpunishment was implemented and
at the end of it we had aconversation when the kids were
gone and I told her I'm like,hey, I didn't, really that's not
the punishment I would havechosen for that situation.
(15:09):
And she even said like, yeah, Iagree.
And I'm like, but I was onboard with you because we're a
team and you couldn't like wehad set that, that boundary, we
weren't able to pull out of itand I wasn't going to sit there
and fight you and bitch and moanto you about this in the moment
because, number one, our kidwasn't in danger and any like
harm of being severely.
(15:30):
It wasn't anything crazy likethat.
Number two, I don't want ourkids to think that we're not a
united front and that they cango to one parent or the other or
that we have differentstandards for them.
So I think that that was just agood example of me disagreeing
with my wife in a situation withwhat she was proposing and
(15:52):
instead of confronting her inthe moment or taking action
right there and undermining herauthority, I went along with it.
I talked to her afterwards andwe decided after the fact that
that wasn't the right thing.
She apologized to my son andsaid, like this wasn't the
appropriate discipline for youat this time.
Blah, blah, blah, whatever.
It doesn't really matter thatpart.
It's mostly just we're on thesame page and obviously there's
(16:14):
exceptions to all of these rules.
If my wife was like, okay, youget 30 lashes for taking an ice
cream out of the refrigerator, Iwould be like, no, we're not
going to do that, unless it'ssomething that's abusive,
physically, emotionally, reallygoing to cause long-term serious
issues, then it's your job as aparent to also step in.
But at the same time, try tohave these conversations on the
(16:37):
front end, try to figure thesethings out on the front end as
much as you possibly can,understanding there are going to
be times where you disagree andwhere you haven't talked about
it in certain situations and oneof the partners may go in a
route that's not the right wayand maybe they did it without
having that conversation withyou, but it's important to
present this united front toyour kids, provide them with
(17:00):
stability, balance and all theother things that can come from
having two well-adjusted,emotionally intelligent, stable
parents in their life.
Right, that would be.
The ultimate goal is to have twoparents who are able to provide
a balance, a difference ofideas, a difference of opinions,
a difference of you know, evensometimes rules.
(17:21):
Right, there's a lot of thingsthat having two people is good
for, even though it's hard, eventhough it's really hard.
There's some of us who didschool projects together and you
fucking hated it, because youwere either you either hate it
or you love it.
You were either the one whojust like sat back and did do a
damn thing and like got thegrade that everyone else got, or
(17:44):
you were the overachiever whotook everything on, did it all
by yourself and was pissed offat the other people for not
picking up their weight, even ifyou didn't let them do anything
else.
Like you're, like, I am gettingan A, no matter what.
That could happen in parentingas well, and either way, I think
(18:05):
that it's important to havethat free flow of information,
having two parents having thediscussions and then providing
this environment for their kids.
So that's really.
All I wanted to talk about todaywas just this idea of how,
ideally, if you're able toproviding balance to your kids
by having two parents who havedifferent ideas is really good
for them, and that they willadjust to whatever rules,
(18:28):
regulations, boundaries or lackthereof that you set forward to
them if they're gettingconflicting information or if
you and your spouse are in aconstant state of conflict
because you can't get on thesame page with raising your kids
and your differing ideas.
But yeah, that's pretty mucheverything that I wanted to talk
(18:52):
about.
So I hope that you enjoyed thisepisode of Tough and I'm gonna
continue to try and see if I canget ahead of stuff and get some
of these episodes a little bitmore linear and thought out.
But uh, until then, I'm justgoing to keep continuing to get
on here and talk about thethings that I think are
important.
(19:12):
If you have any opinions or ifyou would like to hear about
anything in particular, like Isay, like I say after every
episode, click that littlebutton at the in the information
of the podcast.
It says send a message to thepodcast or send a message about
this show.
Click that.
Send me a message, let me knowyour thoughts.
Do you agree?
Do you disagree?
(19:32):
Do you hate everything I'mtalking about?
Um, but yeah, I appreciate yourtime.
I hope that everyone has afantastic rest of the day.
Have a good rest of the weekand I'll see y'all next.
All right, everyone, welcome to this week's episode.
Hope you're having a fantasticday, good week, good year.
So far, we are already firmlyinto March, this year's flying
by.
I am doing a terrible job ofkeeping up with my New Year's
resolution, of planning stuff,prepping it out and making sure
that I've got a very good,tangent, cohesive episode
(00:23):
planned out for you all.
But, like always, I haveprocrastinated.
I've just been super busy witha lot of different shit that's
been going on Kids, sports, work, all the shit that we deal with
every day.
I'm making excuses, but I thinkI've got a concept, a good
concept, to talk about today,and it's one that actually came
(00:44):
up because of a situation thathappened at the park the other
day.
Me and my wife and my kids andI just kind of brought up this
idea, this thought pattern, inmy head and I wanted to explore
that today.
So let's go ahead and jump intothe things I wanted to talk
about today.
So this past weekend we were atthe park after church with our
(01:06):
kids and, as I've talked aboutbefore, I've got two little boys
, one of them's five and a half.
One of them just turned two andthe two-year-old is a little
maniac he doesn't have a ton offear, just runs into stuff full
blast.
My favorite is that he'll justrun to come and give me a hug
and it's like his head likewhiplashes back because he runs
into me so hard to give me a hugand barrels into me.
(01:27):
Super cute kid, very intense.
He is very much so like hisfather and my five and a half
year old a little bit morecautious, a little bit more
analytical, likes to approachsituations and kind of look at
things before he just jumpsheadfirst in.
Definitely a lot more like mywife.
But on this particular day I'mreally of the mindset.
(01:49):
When my youngest was not able toreally walk very much and
didn't know what he was doing, Iwould be around him
consistently on the park, justwalking behind him, making sure
he didn't fall off of shit, hurthimself.
But he's now at the age where Ifeel like he's able to go and
do the things he needs to do.
I still keep an eye on him.
I'm not very far away, it'sonly I'm on opposite side of the
(02:09):
park or on the opposite side ofthe church, just like go have
fun at this park, but I stickback.
I'm like 15, 20 feet away fromhim and he just cruises along.
He goes, climbs up the stairs,climbs up to the slide, goes
down the slide.
There's really only one spotthat I worry about with him
where he could fall off and hurthimself.
But we've kind of gotten intothis pattern and he started
(02:32):
climbing up the stairs and goingtowards the slide, which I've
seen him do before.
I let him do that whenever it'sjust me and them at this little
park and his mom sees him andshe yells at me.
She's like Robbie, go overthere and make sure he doesn't
go hurt himself.
And I was like no, he's fine.
I've seen him do this beforeand she, like, was kind of
(02:52):
getting a little bit upsetbecause he was up at the top of
this slide, that's, you know,seven, eight feet in the air,
and he was standing up.
But he learned, he sat down onhis tush, went down the slide
and he was perfectly fine.
And similarly, my older sonstarted doing and he's always
one who asks for help or asks usto help him do things.
(03:14):
So I was actually really proudof him because he had climbed
himself up to the monkey barsand was starting to actually do
them.
He was swinging from each oneand going hand hand and he made
it about halfway.
But my wife saw this too andshe's like I don't want him to
fall back and hit his head andhurt himself.
And I'm like no, he's, he'sokay.
He knows how to fall down andland on his feet.
(03:36):
I taught him how to do thatwhen I help him, um, but I was
just really proud of the factthat he had gone out and done
that.
But the being a proud parent andseeing these things your kids
growth that's not really what Iwanted to talk about today.
It was the difference betweenmy way of looking at stuff and
my wife's way of looking atstuff.
And this episode is not to saythat one way is right and one
(03:56):
way is wrong, because literallythree seconds after my youngest
went down the slide and wasperfectly fine, he tried to
fucking climb up the oppositeway, slipped, fell, hit his head
and he was kind of whimpering alittle bit.
He didn't start crying, itwasn't too bad, but he just kind
of slipped down, hit his faceand slid down the slide.
So obviously both of us wereright.
(04:18):
My son made it down the slide,but also we need to make sure
we're close enough to ensurethat they don't kill themselves,
because that's what childrenare really good at.
They're really good at findingdangerous ways to play and hurt
themselves.
So I was more so just interestedand introspective of the
difference between parentingstyles, because obviously no one
(04:40):
is exactly the same.
Even if you are on the samepage ideologically or
religiously or anything elselike that with your spouse,
you're not always going to thinkabout things in the exact same
manner.
That's just impossible and Idon't think that you'd want that
.
And I guess what I wanted todive into today was just how
it's actually such a good thingto have two separate ways of
(05:04):
thinking about things and how itcan be very difficult for
parents, but it's so good forthe child.
That balancing act that we haveto go through, that we have to
struggle with as parents, is sokey for children to be able to
grow up in a balancedenvironment, look at things from
different perspectives andreally learn how to navigate
(05:25):
life themselves, and it's reallydifficult for parents to do
this.
I know that a lot of people likeme and my wife are both very
strong-willed and opinionatedpeople and we're both relatively
intelligent, part of the reasonwhy my wife is so risk-averse
and so careful about things isbecause she does her line of
(05:46):
work.
She sees some of these crazyass stories.
She sees the story of the kidthat slipped back, hit his head
and fucking had to go to thehospital.
She sees a story of the kidthat jumped off of the slide
instead of trying to slide downon his butt.
So she comes from a differentperspective than I do, where I'm
more so like let the kids bewithin a safe distance to make
(06:06):
sure they don't do anythingreally stupid.
But let the kids do whatthey're going to do.
If they get a little hurt likeit's OK, you go, you comfort
them, you take care of them.
Your job is really to make surethat they don't do anything
fucking so stupid that it'sgoing to cause real issues.
But my wife is not wrong.
Like these things do happen andit is good to be cautious and to
(06:30):
think about different thingsthat could potentially happen.
Like I said before, you don'twant to wrap your kids
completely in bubble tape andhave them walk through life with
no real risk of injury oradversity or anything like that.
But it is good to have a parentwho's looking out for things
that other parents might not belooking out for, because you
never know, there are certainthings that I wouldn't think of,
(06:50):
that could be real risks, realhazards that don't need to be,
that still expose your kids tothe hardships, to the
adversities.
But take away that real,serious element of danger so
that way your kids aren't goingto crack their skull open or get
seriously injured or, you know,potentially not make it like.
That kind of shit does happen,unfortunately, and it's really
(07:11):
hard to think about.
But it is good that we have twodiffering opinions, two
differing parenting styles,because that provides that
balance for our kids where we'renot both just wrapping them up
in fucking, you know, like Isaid, bubble wrap and having
them try to go through lifeprotected from everything, not
feeling any adversity, notfeeling any pain, but also, at
(07:34):
the same time, not having twoparents who are just like, all
right, go ahead, feral children,get the hell out of here, go,
do what you want, I don't give ashit.
If you get hurt, you get hurt.
You know.
Having both sides is better forthe child and provides a more
balanced environment for them,as opposed to having two parents
who are just completely one wayor the other, and that's where
(07:57):
I wanted to go with this is thatthat balance is essential.
It's almost like you've got tohave a scale Thinking of, like
your children, of the scale,like the fulcrum of the scale,
and you know they're at themiddle of that scale and you've
got mom's opinions and thoughtsand parenting style and you've
got dad's opinions and thoughtsand parenting styles and
sometimes one's going to,depending on the situation or
(08:19):
what's going on, one side isgoing to go down and the other
side is going to go up.
There's going to be more weighton with one parent's ideas as
opposed to the other.
But that's why it's a balancingact for the parents to try and
find this place of equilibriumwhere they're in a good place
and they're not fighting oryelling at each other but
(08:41):
they're also providing theirchild with a safe, balanced
environment where they can alsoexperience some of the hardships
and adversity that life isgoing to throw their way.
And the hardest part is notnecessarily for the kids in this
area.
This is really more so aboutthe parents being able to wrap
(09:02):
their heads around that they'renot always right, that other
people think differently thanthem and that sometimes, even if
they are right, they're goingto lose out to the other spouse
because they may have a strongeropinion on something than they
do.
And it really is a balancingact and, like I said, the kids
are going to adapt to whateverthe parents put in front of them
.
Kids are super adaptable.
(09:23):
They're malleable.
That's why our job as parentsis to help them grow and to
learn and to become good humanbeings.
It's mom and dad who are goingto have the issues.
They're the ones who are goingto fight.
They're the ones who are goingto be like no, my Ray is better.
They're the ones who are goingto be like you're coddling him
or like you're not being anattentive father or whatever the
fuck that you're going to sayto each other.
(09:44):
You are the two that need tofigure your shit out and get in
a good spot, because, ultimately, what's going to cause
disruption for your kids is notwhether or not you let them go
and do something on their own orwhether or not you're hovering
around them and trying to makesure that they don't hurt
themselves.
What's going to have a negativeimpact on them is if you're
(10:05):
yelling at each other, if you'refighting or you're giving
conflicting information to yourchild.
That's one area that can bereally difficult is that mom
says yes, dad says no.
And kids are smart.
They're a little manipulativeassholes sometimes and they'll
learn to play this off of eachother.
My five and a half year oldhe's already started to learn
this.
He'll be like, ask me something.
(10:27):
I'll say something like I don'tknow, like not right now, and
then he'll go and ask his momand like what did your father
say?
And dad just said, oh, he justsaid not a couple minutes ago,
or something like that, like hetries to find ways to manipulate
the situation, which is smartof him in some aspects but also
really infuriating.
(10:47):
Anyways, besides them beingable to try and play off of you
guys, it's when you giveconflicting information to
children.
It's going to be reallydysregulating for them moving
forward.
Right, if dad says, yes, you canjump on the couch, and mom says
, no, you can't jump on thecouch.
When dad's around, I can jumpon the couch.
(11:08):
But then mom comes in and seesyou jumping on the couch and you
get in trouble and you're likeI wasn't doing anything wrong, I
was just doing what I thoughtthat I was allowed to do.
And then mom gets mad at you,you get yelled at.
And then you've got this, justlike this lingering thing in the
back of your head, like youalmost have to start playing a
game because the rules aren'tset consistently.
It's like every situationyou're trying to figure out can
(11:30):
I do this, can I not do this?
And it could be the exact sameaction just in a different
circumstance or differentsituation, and you're like I
don't know, and it could causeanxiety, dysregulation,
emotional outbursts, things likethat.
All these things that kids havehappened because they don't
really know how to deal withthis or handle these types of
things.
Yet they're still learning.
That's what's going to causethose types of things.
(11:51):
And so you might even bethinking to yourself like it
would be a lot easier if justone parent was the one in charge
of the child, or one parent wasmaking the rules, setting
everything, so that way there'sno confusion.
That way you don't have theseissues pop up in the future, but
that's not necessarily greatfor the child either.
These issues pop up in thefuture, but that's not
necessarily great for the childeither.
(12:16):
Now, I'm not here to rag onsingle parents or single moms,
single dads.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm not saying that you aren'table to provide your child with
a good life.
What I'm looking at is likewhat's the ideal situation?
And looking at it like if youare in a two-parent household,
then how are you going to handlethese situations?
And one of the things that youdo miss out if you only have one
parent who is responsible formaking the rules or for what you
(12:37):
can do.
What you can't do is thatyou're going to just fall in
line with whatever they think.
There is no conflictingideology.
There's no conflicting thoughtson whether or not you can have
a dessert tonight, or whether ornot eating a happy meal is okay
, or whether or not jumping onthe couch or making a wrestling
(12:59):
ring out of pillows on the flooris acceptable.
If you only got one parent'sopinion and they lean one way or
the other, you're going to fallinto this childhood where
you're consistently eitheroverly protected or overly
regulated, or you're just goingto be given all the freedom to
do whatever you want, hurtyourself, do things that are not
(13:19):
necessarily good, not learn thedifference between right and
wrong, like there's going to bea lot of different things that
can come up for you.
So I personally think that it'sreally a good thing to have two
parents who provide balance toeach other.
They provide this balance ofideas and ideologies and thought
(13:40):
processes and they implementthose onto their kids.
The hard part, like I've saidbefore, is just getting those
parents on the same page, makingsure that they don't fight,
making sure that if there is adifference of opinions, that
they don't just sit there andone either have a blow fight in
front of the kids and bitch andyell at each other and say mean
and horrible things, or two andalmost worse, undermine the
(14:03):
other parent's authority by likesaying, oh, you could do this
when mom's not here, or youcould do this when dad's not
here, or you can't do this whenmom's here.
Like whatever, it isUndermining the other parent's
authority, Whatever you do as aparent.
So whatever you choose orwhatever ends up being the right
call is, you need to be on thesame page with your spouse or
(14:24):
your partner or whatever it is.
Whoever you're co-parenting Idon't give a shit what it is.
If there's someone else that'sproviding this balance to your
kids and has some sort ofauthority over them, you need to
be on the same page.
And it reminds me of a storythat me and my wife disagreed on
a certain punishment and shedidn't have the chance to talk
to me about it.
But she said that thispunishment was gonna happen and
(14:47):
she decided to move forward withthat and I really didn't agree
with the type of punishment thatit was, but I stood by her, I
let her do it and thatpunishment was implemented and
at the end of it we had aconversation when the kids were
gone and I told her I'm like,hey, I didn't, really that's not
the punishment I would havechosen for that situation.
(15:09):
And she even said like, yeah, Iagree.
And I'm like, but I was onboard with you because we're a
team and you couldn't like wehad set that, that boundary, we
weren't able to pull out of itand I wasn't going to sit there
and fight you and bitch and moanto you about this in the moment
because, number one, our kidwasn't in danger and any like
harm of being severely.
(15:30):
It wasn't anything crazy likethat.
Number two, I don't want ourkids to think that we're not a
united front and that they cango to one parent or the other or
that we have differentstandards for them.
So I think that that was just agood example of me disagreeing
with my wife in a situation withwhat she was proposing and
(15:52):
instead of confronting her inthe moment or taking action
right there and undermining herauthority, I went along with it.
I talked to her afterwards andwe decided after the fact that
that wasn't the right thing.
She apologized to my son andsaid, like this wasn't the
appropriate discipline for youat this time.
Blah, blah, blah, whatever.
It doesn't really matter thatpart.
It's mostly just we're on thesame page and obviously there's
(16:14):
exceptions to all of these rules.
If my wife was like, okay, youget 30 lashes for taking an ice
cream out of the refrigerator, Iwould be like, no, we're not
going to do that, unless it'ssomething that's abusive,
physically, emotionally, reallygoing to cause long-term serious
issues, then it's your job as aparent to also step in.
But at the same time, try tohave these conversations on the
(16:37):
front end, try to figure thesethings out on the front end as
much as you possibly can,understanding there are going to
be times where you disagree andwhere you haven't talked about
it in certain situations and oneof the partners may go in a
route that's not the right wayand maybe they did it without
having that conversation withyou, but it's important to
present this united front toyour kids, provide them with
(17:00):
stability, balance and all theother things that can come from
having two well-adjusted,emotionally intelligent, stable
parents in their life.
Right, that would be.
The ultimate goal is to have twoparents who are able to provide
a balance, a difference ofideas, a difference of opinions,
a difference of you know, evensometimes rules.
(17:21):
Right, there's a lot of thingsthat having two people is good
for, even though it's hard, eventhough it's really hard.
There's some of us who didschool projects together and you
fucking hated it, because youwere either you either hate it
or you love it.
You were either the one whojust like sat back and did do a
damn thing and like got thegrade that everyone else got, or
(17:44):
you were the overachiever whotook everything on, did it all
by yourself and was pissed offat the other people for not
picking up their weight, even ifyou didn't let them do anything
else.
Like you're, like, I am gettingan A, no matter what.
That could happen in parentingas well, and either way, I think
(18:05):
that it's important to havethat free flow of information,
having two parents having thediscussions and then providing
this environment for their kids.
So that's really.
All I wanted to talk about todaywas just this idea of how,
ideally, if you're able toproviding balance to your kids
by having two parents who havedifferent ideas is really good
for them, and that they willadjust to whatever rules,
(18:28):
regulations, boundaries or lackthereof that you set forward to
them if they're gettingconflicting information or if
you and your spouse are in aconstant state of conflict
because you can't get on thesame page with raising your kids
and your differing ideas.
But yeah, that's pretty mucheverything that I wanted to talk
(18:52):
about.
So I hope that you enjoyed thisepisode of Tough and I'm gonna
continue to try and see if I canget ahead of stuff and get some
of these episodes a little bitmore linear and thought out.
But uh, until then, I'm justgoing to keep continuing to get
on here and talk about thethings that I think are
important.
(19:12):
If you have any opinions or ifyou would like to hear about
anything in particular, like Isay, like I say after every
episode, click that littlebutton at the in the information
of the podcast.
It says send a message to thepodcast or send a message about
this show.
Click that.
Send me a message, let me knowyour thoughts.
Do you agree?
Do you disagree?
(19:32):
Do you hate everything I'mtalking about?
Um, but yeah, I appreciate yourtime.
I hope that everyone has afantastic rest of the day.
Have a good rest of the weekand I'll see y'all next.
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