March 5, 2025 • 20 mins
Ever felt like you’re stuck on autopilot, coasting through life without making real progress? In this raw and unfiltered episode of The Unhinged Father, I open up about the tough years in my 20s—struggling with bad habits, unchecked mental health, and the toll it took on my marriage and personal growth. From drinking too much and avoiding responsibilities to learning how to take ownership of my life, I share my journey of self-improvement and the hard lessons learned along the way.
If you’re a dad, husband, or anyone trying to figure it all out, this episode is for you. We talk about:
✔️ Breaking bad habits and unhealthy cycles
✔️ The importance of self-awareness and accountability
✔️ Learning to ask for help and embrace vulnerability
✔️ How to get back on track when you slip into old patterns
This is for anyone out there struggling with balance, self-doubt, and the pressure to be everything for everyone. You’re not alone—and it’s never too late to make a change.
🎧 Tune in now and let’s figure this out together.
#Fatherhood #MensMentalHealth #SelfImprovement #BreakingBadHabits #TheUnhingedFather #PersonalGrowth
Send a message about the episode!
https://linktr.ee/unhingedfather
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, everyone, welcome to the show today.
Hope you all have a fantasticweek, hope that the year's off
to a good start.
Blah, blah, blah All the othershit that I usually say in the
beginning of the show.
I've got not anything reallyplanned for today.
It has been a crazy couple ofweeks.
We've had a lot going on.
We always have a lot going on.
I just had this conversationwith my wife.
(00:20):
Literally since we've had ourfirst child, it just seems like
there's more and more that'sgoing to be continually added
onto our plate and that we feellike we're never going to catch
up.
So, that being said, I need tomake time to plan out the
podcast, but I've got some stuffthat's on my mind.
I'm just going to spitball thisone pretty much completely and
(00:42):
hope that it goes well.
So, that being said, let's goahead and jump into this week's
episode of tough Now for all youpeople out there on the
interwebs and listening to thispodcast and taking my advice and
probably not taking my advicelistening to this and just like
what the fuck is this guy saying?
I wasn't always this handsome,demure, sophisticated, amazingly
(01:07):
, ruggedly handsome gentlemanthat you see in front of you
today.
There was a time in my lifewhere I'm not necessarily super
proud of it, but when I firstbecame a husband, when I got out
of college, I went through somereally, really tough times.
I thought that I could continueto drink the way that I did in
(01:28):
college.
I thought that I could continueto eat the way that I did out
of college.
I thought that there wasnothing that could hurt me, that
I was invincible, that I couldjust put up these walls and
these shields and whatever elseit is, build all this stuff
around me and try to make myselfinto this impenetrable fortress
.
And as I grew older, I realizedthat that didn't do anything.
I thought I didn't need to goto therapy.
(01:50):
I thought I didn't need to talkabout my emotions.
I thought there was pretty much, that I could handle anything
that was thrown my way, and Iwas wrong, dead wrong.
I definitely needed a lot ofhelp.
I needed to acknowledge myfeelings that were going on,
that there were things inside ofme that were broken, that
needed healing, that needed tobe expressed as opposed to
(02:12):
repressed and pushed down deepwithin my gut.
And a lot of that repressionand a lot of that holding things
in contributed to me eatingmore like shit, me not going to
the gym, me being a lazy pieceof shit around the house and not
doing my fair share, not tryingto better myself, of just
staying in the same spot withinmy career and not necessarily
(02:33):
trying to reach out and makestrides in any area really
within my life.
I was just kind of on cruisecontrol, going through life,
doing whatever the hell came up,drinking too much, eating too
much, not paying attention to mymental health, not paying
attention to my physical health,and this was me for a couple of
years.
This was par for the course andunfortunately, my wife was the
(02:57):
one who had to put up with thebrunt of that.
We were relatively young.
When we got married, I was 24years old.
We were relatively young.
When we got married, I was 24years old, and so, from the ages
of 24 to probably 28, 29, I wasnot the person that I wanted to
be, not the person that I couldbe, and I'm still not fully
(03:17):
there.
I'm constantly working on myselfand trying to really become the
person that I know that Godmade me to be here on this earth
, that the person that I knowthat I can be, that my kids
deserve that.
My wife deserves person that Iknow that God made me to be here
on this earth, that the personthat I know that I can be, that
my kids deserve that my wifedeserves shit that I deserve,
and I'm constantly working onthat.
Now I'm trying to be mindful,reflective and actually pay
attention to the shit thatmatters in my life to make me a
(03:39):
better person.
But back then I really didn'teven think about it at all and I
guess on this episode it's notjust a shit.
On Robbie episode, I was aterrible person, although when
me and my wife have done therapya lot of times, that's what
comes up for me is that I'mashamed of the person that I
used to be and I never want togo back to that.
There are certain aspects ofthat that still pop up in my
(04:01):
life.
There's certain attributes andcertain characteristics that are
going to be there forever, thatI'm just always going to
struggle with and that I have toacknowledge, work with and try
and move past.
But I never want to go back tothat piece of shit that I feel
like I was, and when I say pieceof shit, I'm not like.
Not like what you would see onlike the news or someone who's
(04:23):
abusive or anything like that.
I'm not, wasn't not like whatyou would see on like the news
or someone who's abusive oranything like that.
I'm not.
It wasn't that bad, but I waslike your stereotypical, just I
don't know what.
An old person would call it abump on a lump, someone who was
unmotivated, someone who wasdepressed, someone who was
anxious.
There were so many things that Iwas going through and I just
kind of stuck my head in thesand, didn't pay attention to it
(04:45):
and, like I said, the peoplethat were closest to me suffer
the consequences for that, and Iguess I'm just sharing this
with all of you right now as away to continue to get it off my
chest.
Like, I've gone through thisbefore in therapy with
counselors.
I've talked about it with mywife.
This is nothing that's new inmy family, but I think that I
learned the lesson later than Iwanted to, but I'm glad that I
(05:08):
did eventually learn the lessonsthat I had to learn to become
more so like the person that Iam now.
Uh, and I'm hoping that bysharing this with you, that if
you are in that spot, or ifyou've been in that spot or
you're going to go through thatspot in your life that you can,
you know, kind of see where Iwas at, what happened to me,
(05:31):
like what I was going through,and just take some of this
advice from someone who's beenthere.
I'm not sitting here telling youI'm greater than now.
I'm definitely not greater thannow.
If you've listened to thispodcast, you know I'm not
sitting here telling you I'mgreater than now.
I'm definitely not greater thannow.
If you've listened to thispodcast, you know I am not
greater than now.
I like to judge, I like to makemy comments, I have an opinion
on fucking everything, but I amnot greater than now.
I have been through the muckand I still trudge through it
(05:53):
every single day, trying to be abetter person, trying to be a
better father, trying to be abetter husband and hopefully, if
you're listening to this,you're on that side of the coin.
That choice is really theturning point for you.
You're going to fall back intobad habits.
You're going to have timeswhere you're stressed, where
(06:14):
you're anxious, and it's justeasier for us to fall back into
predefined habits, into thesetrenches that we've already
created, into.
You know the erosion that wehave these worn paths.
We're going to walk down those.
It's easy when we're in a placeof adversity to fall back into
those, and that's okay.
You give yourself the grace,you reflect, you be mindful
about it and then you try andpull yourself out of it and when
(06:37):
you fall into those ruts, youjust want to make that time
there the least amount that youcould possibly make it right.
It's like I'm going to fall,I'm going to go back into these
habits, but let's try and makeit to where I spend the least
amount of time there.
I recognize that I'm in thisrut.
I'm in this habit.
Let me pull myself back out orreach out for the help that I
need to get out of it.
But yeah, I'm still there andhopefully, like I said, if you
(07:01):
are there, make the decision torecognize when you are falling
into old habits or when thingsaren't going the way that you
want them to, if you're puttingpressure on yourself or if
you're depressed, or if you'reanxious or anything that you're
going through emotionally orphysically or whatever it may be
.
This could manifest in so manydifferent ways for every single
(07:24):
person out there.
It's not just what I wentthrough.
For me.
It was eating my feelingsdepression, inactivity and
laziness phone playing, videogames, whatever.
It was not pulling my ownweight around the house, not
helping with cooking, nothelping with the cleaning.
I was essentially like afucking spoiled little frat boy
(07:50):
who was depressed, living thelife with my wife, who was going
to law school at the time andhad to put up with a lot of
bullshit from me.
It's a good thing that I'm sofucking good looking, because I
don't know if my wife would havestayed with me if I wasn't just
this ruggedly handsome,amazingly good looking man.
But yeah, I just wanted to kindof acknowledge where I've been
and where I'm going now.
Like I said, I fall into some ofthese patterns.
(08:12):
I'm not at the ultimate goaland I never will be at the
ultimate goal.
I had this ideal of the personthat I want to be, of the father
I want to be and the husbandand the leader and the community
member.
There's these things that Iwant to be, the person that I
want to be, the person I want toportray, and I used to think
that it was.
I needed to change myself, Ineeded to become a different
(08:36):
person, and I've come to realizethat I don't want to change who
I am.
I like who I am.
I like being abrasive, I likebeing a go-getter, I like
getting shit done.
I like the person that I am.
There's just aspects of thatthat I have negative tendencies,
so I almost envision it of likea.
(08:58):
I have these differentcharacteristics.
I have my personality, mycharacter, and there are certain
dials on it, right, and youhave the ideal place that you
need to be dialed in with thatcharacteristic or that trait in
order to be the best you can be.
And so for me, it's trying tonot change who I am, but just to
make that version of me thehealthiest and the best that it
(09:21):
could possibly be.
The best version of me issomeone who's dialed in, who's
acknowledged things, who'saccepted weaknesses,
acknowledges strengths, knowswhere I need to be in order to
be that version of myself that Iknow that I can be.
So if you're a class clown oryou're abrasive, or you are
(09:46):
straightforward, or you're anintrovert or you're quiet or you
can kind of be reclusive, I'mnot saying to go out there and
completely change who you are,but to just acknowledge where
you're at within that spectrumand try to figure out what it is
what you need in order to bethe best version of yourself,
(10:07):
one that is capable of doingwhat you're capable of doing,
because we're all capable ofdoing great, great stuff, great.
Every person has strengths thatcan do amazing things and
everything.
We need everyone to bedifferent.
I don't want everyone to besome type A go-getter,
perfectionist type person.
(10:27):
We need all of the differentpersonalities, all the different
characteristic traits out thereto make society the best that
it can be.
But we also need you to be in ahealthy space and, for me, one
of the ways that I continue tomove forward is by acknowledging
the past, not dwelling in it.
There were definitely timeswhere I would sit and dwell in
the person.
That I continue to move forwardis by acknowledging the past,
(10:48):
not dwelling in it.
There were definitely timeswhere I would sit and dwell in
the person that I used to be,feel sorry for myself and, you
know, feel bad about it and feelsorry for the people that had
to deal with me and almost likeembarrassed and, yeah, I'm still
embarrassed of the way that Iwas, but it's like I dipped my
toes into it, as opposed tocompletely immersing myself in
that wallow and feeling bad andall that stuff Like that's not
(11:11):
going to do anything that'sgoing to help me move forward.
So I dip my toes in it.
Remember what it feels like tobe what I call that piece of
shit and try and move forward.
Try to be better.
I've got much more pushing meforward now than I did back then
.
Back then it was just me and mywife, and I loved my wife.
I would do anything for her.
But the stakes are so muchhigher now that I'm a dad.
(11:34):
I've got two little boys thatlook up to me, that want to do
what their dad does, and I willbe damned if I let those kids
down.
I'll be damned if I let my wifedown.
I'll be damned if I let myselfdown.
I should be the best version ofmyself and, like I said, I'm not
.
It's not that old school, toxicfucking.
(11:54):
You know, just push througheverything that you can.
It's a balancing act.
It's a balancing act ofacknowledging when you need to
be vulnerable, of acknowledgingwhen you need help, when you
need to reach out, when you needto be honest about what your
weaknesses are.
That's probably the biggestthing I struggle with right now
is the fact that I don't knowhow to be weak.
(12:18):
I don't know how to ask forhelp.
I don't know how to tell mywife I can't do something.
I don't know how to tell mykids I can't do something.
It's just like I will figureout a way to get this done and
then I inevitably will drop theball somewhere because I can't
do everything.
I'm not Superman, I'm not Thor,I'm not any of these
superheroes that I would like tobe.
(12:38):
I can't do everything.
And so when I fail, it's almostlike it hurts more to the people
that I care about because theywere relying on me.
And if I would have just beenhonest and said I can't do this
or this isn't possible, I don'thave the time, I don't have the
capability, and was just honestand upfront with them, showed
(12:58):
them that vulnerability, thenthey wouldn't have relied on me.
And, yeah, they might've beendisappointed because they didn't
get something.
But that disappointment is somuch better than the
disappointment and hurt thatcomes from when you're told
something, you rely on it.
Like I tell my kids that I willdo X, y or Z.
They rely on me to do that andthen I fail.
(13:20):
If I would have just told themI couldn't have done that they
would have been disappointedbecause they weren't getting X,
y, z, but they wouldn't have hadthe disappointment or the hurt
that their dad let them down.
So that's something that Istruggle with now.
I struggled with it in the pastand that's probably one of the
biggest obstacles I have in myown life is acknowledging when I
(13:42):
can't do something, not takingon every single task that's
given to me and trying to justslow down and allow other people
to help me or allow otherthings to help me.
I've gotten a little bit betterat it, but I'm still pretty
shitty below average atacknowledging when I can't do
something, when I'm acknowledgedthat I'm incapable or I have a
(14:05):
weakness in an area.
So that's something I'm workingon.
I don't know what you may beworking on.
There's probably aspects inyour life that are similar, yeah
, and this one's going to bejust I feel like again, very
roundabout, talking aboutwhatever comes to mind.
I don't know if I'm going inlike a straight line here with
these ideas that are popping up,but these are just things that
(14:30):
are always at the top of my mindBecause, like I said, I was, I
am, I am still ashamed of theperson that I was Not my
character, not my personality,not who I was, but the way that
I was showing up and the waythat I presented myself and the
(14:51):
way that I let certain thingstake over my life and how I
wasn't as accountable to my wife, and even early on in being a
father, there were aspects of methat were like a victim
mentality or like woe is me orI'm doing so much.
It's almost like a martyrmentality that I can get into as
well.
When I have these thoughts oflike I can do everything If I
(15:14):
don't ask for help and I can'tdo everything, I almost get
resentful.
When people hold me accountableand I'm like, well, I'm trying
to do everything, like what thefuck do you want from me?
I can't do it all, notrealizing that I'm the one
saying I can do it all.
And when they rely on me, yeah,of course they're going to get
pissed off because I've justtold them that I can do all of
(15:35):
these things.
They rely on me.
And then I fail to live up towhatever I said that I would be
able to do, and then I becomethis martyr.
I act like this martyr, like,oh, I'm doing everything.
Why are you just give me abreak here, and that probably
doesn't feel good to the peoplethat rely on me.
These are some of the thingsthat I'm working on and that I'm
acknowledging in trying to moveforward and be a better husband
(15:58):
and to be a better father.
I don't know if these resonatewith any of you.
Like I said, this is more somaybe just an episode of me
talking about the shit I'mworking on and things that I
struggle with and the thingsthat I've struggled with in the
past, hoping that if you alsostruggle with them or you also
have these issues in your life,that you don't feel alone and
(16:20):
that you don't get so down onyourself that you spiral,
because that happens to mesometimes.
I'll like fall into an oldhabit or do something from the
past and I'll start to feelguilty about it and that guilt
will just grow and grow and I'llstart to spiral and spiral and
before I even know it, I'm backinto the mindset that I was
(16:42):
where I didn't like who I was,that I was where I didn't like
who I was, and hopefully you canlisten to this and give
yourself some of that grace.
But, like with everything withme, there's a middle ground.
There's two things can be trueat the same time.
You can have this graceacknowledge that you're not
perfect and that you're gonnafuck up, but at the same time,
(17:03):
try as hard as you can to be thebest that you can to move
forward, to get into a healthyspot.
Both of those things can betrue at the same time, and I
think that's what a lot of usstruggle with is, you know,
you're either toxically positiveor you're toxically negative,
as opposed to just being wherethe realists are in the middle,
(17:23):
like, yeah, I fucked up and I'msorry, I acknowledge that and I
feel some of this guilt goingtowards that, but at the same
time, I'm not going to let thatdrag me down and stop me from
trying to be the best personthat I can be.
I'm not going to let that takeover.
So I'm just going to go aheadand say that that's probably an
(17:49):
episode right there.
Like I said, I had did not get achance to prep like at all this
week.
I had some ideas written downor I just decided fuck it, I
don't want to do any of those.
Let's talk about some of thethings that I've struggled with
where I've been.
Maybe give you a little bitmore of an insight into who I am
and what I'm trying to do,which I don't know.
What the hell I'm trying to do,just talking into my computer,
(18:12):
hoping that if you're like me oryou are, I don't know, not even
if you're not like me, ifyou've struggled with anything
that I've struggled with, or ifyou're struggling with things
I'm currently struggling with,or it doesn't matter, you relate
to anything that hearingsomeone else go through it or
hearing what someone else'sperspective is on it helps you
(18:35):
move in the right direction,because I don't want this to be
this podcast.
Tough is not about movingbackwards and wallowing in
self-pity or any of thatbullshit.
We all need a little tough loveonce in a while, but it's also
not here to tear people down andsay you're a piece of shit and
try harder and you can dowhatever you want.
(18:56):
It's one that's from the middle.
It's a balancing act, so that'sgoing to do it for this week.
I hope that you enjoy metearing myself down and talking
about how shitty I used to beand, obviously, how amazingly
good looking, stunninglyruggedly handsome I am now.
So I appreciate it.
(19:17):
Have a good rest of the day.
See you all next week.
All right, everyone, welcome to the show today.
Hope you all have a fantasticweek, hope that the year's off
to a good start.
Blah, blah, blah All the othershit that I usually say in the
beginning of the show.
I've got not anything reallyplanned for today.
It has been a crazy couple ofweeks.
We've had a lot going on.
We always have a lot going on.
I just had this conversationwith my wife.
(00:20):
Literally since we've had ourfirst child, it just seems like
there's more and more that'sgoing to be continually added
onto our plate and that we feellike we're never going to catch
up.
So, that being said, I need tomake time to plan out the
podcast, but I've got some stuffthat's on my mind.
I'm just going to spitball thisone pretty much completely and
(00:42):
hope that it goes well.
So, that being said, let's goahead and jump into this week's
episode of tough Now for all youpeople out there on the
interwebs and listening to thispodcast and taking my advice and
probably not taking my advicelistening to this and just like
what the fuck is this guy saying?
I wasn't always this handsome,demure, sophisticated, amazingly
(01:07):
, ruggedly handsome gentlemanthat you see in front of you
today.
There was a time in my lifewhere I'm not necessarily super
proud of it, but when I firstbecame a husband, when I got out
of college, I went through somereally, really tough times.
I thought that I could continueto drink the way that I did in
(01:28):
college.
I thought that I could continueto eat the way that I did out
of college.
I thought that there wasnothing that could hurt me, that
I was invincible, that I couldjust put up these walls and
these shields and whatever elseit is, build all this stuff
around me and try to make myselfinto this impenetrable fortress
.
And as I grew older, I realizedthat that didn't do anything.
I thought I didn't need to goto therapy.
(01:50):
I thought I didn't need to talkabout my emotions.
I thought there was pretty much, that I could handle anything
that was thrown my way, and Iwas wrong, dead wrong.
I definitely needed a lot ofhelp.
I needed to acknowledge myfeelings that were going on,
that there were things inside ofme that were broken, that
needed healing, that needed tobe expressed as opposed to
(02:12):
repressed and pushed down deepwithin my gut.
And a lot of that repressionand a lot of that holding things
in contributed to me eatingmore like shit, me not going to
the gym, me being a lazy pieceof shit around the house and not
doing my fair share, not tryingto better myself, of just
staying in the same spot withinmy career and not necessarily
(02:33):
trying to reach out and makestrides in any area really
within my life.
I was just kind of on cruisecontrol, going through life,
doing whatever the hell came up,drinking too much, eating too
much, not paying attention to mymental health, not paying
attention to my physical health,and this was me for a couple of
years.
This was par for the course andunfortunately, my wife was the
(02:57):
one who had to put up with thebrunt of that.
We were relatively young.
When we got married, I was 24years old.
We were relatively young.
When we got married, I was 24years old, and so, from the ages
of 24 to probably 28, 29, I wasnot the person that I wanted to
be, not the person that I couldbe, and I'm still not fully
(03:17):
there.
I'm constantly working on myselfand trying to really become the
person that I know that Godmade me to be here on this earth
, that the person that I knowthat I can be, that my kids
deserve that.
My wife deserves person that Iknow that God made me to be here
on this earth, that the personthat I know that I can be, that
my kids deserve that my wifedeserves shit that I deserve,
and I'm constantly working onthat.
Now I'm trying to be mindful,reflective and actually pay
attention to the shit thatmatters in my life to make me a
(03:39):
better person.
But back then I really didn'teven think about it at all and I
guess on this episode it's notjust a shit.
On Robbie episode, I was aterrible person, although when
me and my wife have done therapya lot of times, that's what
comes up for me is that I'mashamed of the person that I
used to be and I never want togo back to that.
There are certain aspects ofthat that still pop up in my
(04:01):
life.
There's certain attributes andcertain characteristics that are
going to be there forever, thatI'm just always going to
struggle with and that I have toacknowledge, work with and try
and move past.
But I never want to go back tothat piece of shit that I feel
like I was, and when I say pieceof shit, I'm not like.
Not like what you would see onlike the news or someone who's
(04:23):
abusive or anything like that.
I'm not, wasn't not like whatyou would see on like the news
or someone who's abusive oranything like that.
I'm not.
It wasn't that bad, but I waslike your stereotypical, just I
don't know what.
An old person would call it abump on a lump, someone who was
unmotivated, someone who wasdepressed, someone who was
anxious.
There were so many things that Iwas going through and I just
kind of stuck my head in thesand, didn't pay attention to it
(04:45):
and, like I said, the peoplethat were closest to me suffer
the consequences for that, and Iguess I'm just sharing this
with all of you right now as away to continue to get it off my
chest.
Like, I've gone through thisbefore in therapy with
counselors.
I've talked about it with mywife.
This is nothing that's new inmy family, but I think that I
learned the lesson later than Iwanted to, but I'm glad that I
(05:08):
did eventually learn the lessonsthat I had to learn to become
more so like the person that Iam now.
Uh, and I'm hoping that bysharing this with you, that if
you are in that spot, or ifyou've been in that spot or
you're going to go through thatspot in your life that you can,
you know, kind of see where Iwas at, what happened to me,
(05:31):
like what I was going through,and just take some of this
advice from someone who's beenthere.
I'm not sitting here telling youI'm greater than now.
I'm definitely not greater thannow.
If you've listened to thispodcast, you know I'm not
sitting here telling you I'mgreater than now.
I'm definitely not greater thannow.
If you've listened to thispodcast, you know I am not
greater than now.
I like to judge, I like to makemy comments, I have an opinion
on fucking everything, but I amnot greater than now.
I have been through the muckand I still trudge through it
(05:53):
every single day, trying to be abetter person, trying to be a
better father, trying to be abetter husband and hopefully, if
you're listening to this,you're on that side of the coin.
That choice is really theturning point for you.
You're going to fall back intobad habits.
You're going to have timeswhere you're stressed, where
(06:14):
you're anxious, and it's justeasier for us to fall back into
predefined habits, into thesetrenches that we've already
created, into.
You know the erosion that wehave these worn paths.
We're going to walk down those.
It's easy when we're in a placeof adversity to fall back into
those, and that's okay.
You give yourself the grace,you reflect, you be mindful
about it and then you try andpull yourself out of it and when
(06:37):
you fall into those ruts, youjust want to make that time
there the least amount that youcould possibly make it right.
It's like I'm going to fall,I'm going to go back into these
habits, but let's try and makeit to where I spend the least
amount of time there.
I recognize that I'm in thisrut.
I'm in this habit.
Let me pull myself back out orreach out for the help that I
need to get out of it.
But yeah, I'm still there andhopefully, like I said, if you
(07:01):
are there, make the decision torecognize when you are falling
into old habits or when thingsaren't going the way that you
want them to, if you're puttingpressure on yourself or if
you're depressed, or if you'reanxious or anything that you're
going through emotionally orphysically or whatever it may be
.
This could manifest in so manydifferent ways for every single
(07:24):
person out there.
It's not just what I wentthrough.
For me.
It was eating my feelingsdepression, inactivity and
laziness phone playing, videogames, whatever.
It was not pulling my ownweight around the house, not
helping with cooking, nothelping with the cleaning.
I was essentially like afucking spoiled little frat boy
(07:50):
who was depressed, living thelife with my wife, who was going
to law school at the time andhad to put up with a lot of
bullshit from me.
It's a good thing that I'm sofucking good looking, because I
don't know if my wife would havestayed with me if I wasn't just
this ruggedly handsome,amazingly good looking man.
But yeah, I just wanted to kindof acknowledge where I've been
and where I'm going now.
Like I said, I fall into some ofthese patterns.
(08:12):
I'm not at the ultimate goaland I never will be at the
ultimate goal.
I had this ideal of the personthat I want to be, of the father
I want to be and the husbandand the leader and the community
member.
There's these things that Iwant to be, the person that I
want to be, the person I want toportray, and I used to think
that it was.
I needed to change myself, Ineeded to become a different
(08:36):
person, and I've come to realizethat I don't want to change who
I am.
I like who I am.
I like being abrasive, I likebeing a go-getter, I like
getting shit done.
I like the person that I am.
There's just aspects of thatthat I have negative tendencies,
so I almost envision it of likea.
(08:58):
I have these differentcharacteristics.
I have my personality, mycharacter, and there are certain
dials on it, right, and youhave the ideal place that you
need to be dialed in with thatcharacteristic or that trait in
order to be the best you can be.
And so for me, it's trying tonot change who I am, but just to
make that version of me thehealthiest and the best that it
(09:21):
could possibly be.
The best version of me issomeone who's dialed in, who's
acknowledged things, who'saccepted weaknesses,
acknowledges strengths, knowswhere I need to be in order to
be that version of myself that Iknow that I can be.
So if you're a class clown oryou're abrasive, or you are
(09:46):
straightforward, or you're anintrovert or you're quiet or you
can kind of be reclusive, I'mnot saying to go out there and
completely change who you are,but to just acknowledge where
you're at within that spectrumand try to figure out what it is
what you need in order to bethe best version of yourself,
(10:07):
one that is capable of doingwhat you're capable of doing,
because we're all capable ofdoing great, great stuff, great.
Every person has strengths thatcan do amazing things and
everything.
We need everyone to bedifferent.
I don't want everyone to besome type A go-getter,
perfectionist type person.
(10:27):
We need all of the differentpersonalities, all the different
characteristic traits out thereto make society the best that
it can be.
But we also need you to be in ahealthy space and, for me, one
of the ways that I continue tomove forward is by acknowledging
the past, not dwelling in it.
There were definitely timeswhere I would sit and dwell in
the person.
That I continue to move forwardis by acknowledging the past,
(10:48):
not dwelling in it.
There were definitely timeswhere I would sit and dwell in
the person that I used to be,feel sorry for myself and, you
know, feel bad about it and feelsorry for the people that had
to deal with me and almost likeembarrassed and, yeah, I'm still
embarrassed of the way that Iwas, but it's like I dipped my
toes into it, as opposed tocompletely immersing myself in
that wallow and feeling bad andall that stuff Like that's not
(11:11):
going to do anything that'sgoing to help me move forward.
So I dip my toes in it.
Remember what it feels like tobe what I call that piece of
shit and try and move forward.
Try to be better.
I've got much more pushing meforward now than I did back then
.
Back then it was just me and mywife, and I loved my wife.
I would do anything for her.
But the stakes are so muchhigher now that I'm a dad.
(11:34):
I've got two little boys thatlook up to me, that want to do
what their dad does, and I willbe damned if I let those kids
down.
I'll be damned if I let my wifedown.
I'll be damned if I let myselfdown.
I should be the best version ofmyself and, like I said, I'm not
.
It's not that old school, toxicfucking.
(11:54):
You know, just push througheverything that you can.
It's a balancing act.
It's a balancing act ofacknowledging when you need to
be vulnerable, of acknowledgingwhen you need help, when you
need to reach out, when you needto be honest about what your
weaknesses are.
That's probably the biggestthing I struggle with right now
is the fact that I don't knowhow to be weak.
(12:18):
I don't know how to ask forhelp.
I don't know how to tell mywife I can't do something.
I don't know how to tell mykids I can't do something.
It's just like I will figureout a way to get this done and
then I inevitably will drop theball somewhere because I can't
do everything.
I'm not Superman, I'm not Thor,I'm not any of these
superheroes that I would like tobe.
(12:38):
I can't do everything.
And so when I fail, it's almostlike it hurts more to the people
that I care about because theywere relying on me.
And if I would have just beenhonest and said I can't do this
or this isn't possible, I don'thave the time, I don't have the
capability, and was just honestand upfront with them, showed
(12:58):
them that vulnerability, thenthey wouldn't have relied on me.
And, yeah, they might've beendisappointed because they didn't
get something.
But that disappointment is somuch better than the
disappointment and hurt thatcomes from when you're told
something, you rely on it.
Like I tell my kids that I willdo X, y or Z.
They rely on me to do that andthen I fail.
(13:20):
If I would have just told themI couldn't have done that they
would have been disappointedbecause they weren't getting X,
y, z, but they wouldn't have hadthe disappointment or the hurt
that their dad let them down.
So that's something that Istruggle with now.
I struggled with it in the pastand that's probably one of the
biggest obstacles I have in myown life is acknowledging when I
(13:42):
can't do something, not takingon every single task that's
given to me and trying to justslow down and allow other people
to help me or allow otherthings to help me.
I've gotten a little bit betterat it, but I'm still pretty
shitty below average atacknowledging when I can't do
something, when I'm acknowledgedthat I'm incapable or I have a
(14:05):
weakness in an area.
So that's something I'm workingon.
I don't know what you may beworking on.
There's probably aspects inyour life that are similar, yeah
, and this one's going to bejust I feel like again, very
roundabout, talking aboutwhatever comes to mind.
I don't know if I'm going inlike a straight line here with
these ideas that are popping up,but these are just things that
(14:30):
are always at the top of my mindBecause, like I said, I was, I
am, I am still ashamed of theperson that I was Not my
character, not my personality,not who I was, but the way that
I was showing up and the waythat I presented myself and the
(14:51):
way that I let certain thingstake over my life and how I
wasn't as accountable to my wife, and even early on in being a
father, there were aspects of methat were like a victim
mentality or like woe is me orI'm doing so much.
It's almost like a martyrmentality that I can get into as
well.
When I have these thoughts oflike I can do everything If I
(15:14):
don't ask for help and I can'tdo everything, I almost get
resentful.
When people hold me accountableand I'm like, well, I'm trying
to do everything, like what thefuck do you want from me?
I can't do it all, notrealizing that I'm the one
saying I can do it all.
And when they rely on me, yeah,of course they're going to get
pissed off because I've justtold them that I can do all of
(15:35):
these things.
They rely on me.
And then I fail to live up towhatever I said that I would be
able to do, and then I becomethis martyr.
I act like this martyr, like,oh, I'm doing everything.
Why are you just give me abreak here, and that probably
doesn't feel good to the peoplethat rely on me.
These are some of the thingsthat I'm working on and that I'm
acknowledging in trying to moveforward and be a better husband
(15:58):
and to be a better father.
I don't know if these resonatewith any of you.
Like I said, this is more somaybe just an episode of me
talking about the shit I'mworking on and things that I
struggle with and the thingsthat I've struggled with in the
past, hoping that if you alsostruggle with them or you also
have these issues in your life,that you don't feel alone and
(16:20):
that you don't get so down onyourself that you spiral,
because that happens to mesometimes.
I'll like fall into an oldhabit or do something from the
past and I'll start to feelguilty about it and that guilt
will just grow and grow and I'llstart to spiral and spiral and
before I even know it, I'm backinto the mindset that I was
(16:42):
where I didn't like who I was,that I was where I didn't like
who I was, and hopefully you canlisten to this and give
yourself some of that grace.
But, like with everything withme, there's a middle ground.
There's two things can be trueat the same time.
You can have this graceacknowledge that you're not
perfect and that you're gonnafuck up, but at the same time,
(17:03):
try as hard as you can to be thebest that you can to move
forward, to get into a healthyspot.
Both of those things can betrue at the same time, and I
think that's what a lot of usstruggle with is, you know,
you're either toxically positiveor you're toxically negative,
as opposed to just being wherethe realists are in the middle,
(17:23):
like, yeah, I fucked up and I'msorry, I acknowledge that and I
feel some of this guilt goingtowards that, but at the same
time, I'm not going to let thatdrag me down and stop me from
trying to be the best personthat I can be.
I'm not going to let that takeover.
So I'm just going to go aheadand say that that's probably an
(17:49):
episode right there.
Like I said, I had did not get achance to prep like at all this
week.
I had some ideas written downor I just decided fuck it, I
don't want to do any of those.
Let's talk about some of thethings that I've struggled with
where I've been.
Maybe give you a little bitmore of an insight into who I am
and what I'm trying to do,which I don't know.
What the hell I'm trying to do,just talking into my computer,
(18:12):
hoping that if you're like me oryou are, I don't know, not even
if you're not like me, ifyou've struggled with anything
that I've struggled with, or ifyou're struggling with things
I'm currently struggling with,or it doesn't matter, you relate
to anything that hearingsomeone else go through it or
hearing what someone else'sperspective is on it helps you
(18:35):
move in the right direction,because I don't want this to be
this podcast.
Tough is not about movingbackwards and wallowing in
self-pity or any of thatbullshit.
We all need a little tough loveonce in a while, but it's also
not here to tear people down andsay you're a piece of shit and
try harder and you can dowhatever you want.
(18:56):
It's one that's from the middle.
It's a balancing act, so that'sgoing to do it for this week.
I hope that you enjoy metearing myself down and talking
about how shitty I used to beand, obviously, how amazingly
good looking, stunninglyruggedly handsome I am now.
So I appreciate it.
(19:17):
Have a good rest of the day.
See you all next week.
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