February 19, 2025 • 22 mins
Are parents turning childhood milestones into unnecessary competitions? In this episode of The Unhinged Father, we dive into the unspoken rivalry among parents—who walked first, who talked first, and who’s already doing calculus at age two. 🤦♂️
I break down why comparing kids’ development is pointless, how it creates unnecessary stress, and why it’s time to stop tying our self-worth to how fast our kids hit milestones. Plus, a personal update on my fitness journey, parenting struggles, and the absurdity of yet another school vacation week.
If you’ve ever rolled your eyes at a humblebragging parent or felt pressure to keep up with the competition, this episode is for you. 🎙️
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, everyone welcome to the show.
Hope you're all having afantastic day, having a good
month so far, Hope 2025 is offto a fantastic start for you and
that you're sticking to all ofyour New Year's resolutions.
Hope you're still in the gym,still not eating chocolate, not
cussing as much.
Whatever it was that you cameup with.
I hope that you're sticking toit.
For me, somewhat, I'm stickingto some of those things,
(00:25):
definitely not doing as good atplanning out these episodes as I
thought I was going to be ableto do.
That being said, we've justbeen.
We're always busy.
We've got two kids, we bothwork.
Things come up, but this week,unexpectedly or not necessarily
unexpectedly we knew it was onthe calendar, something new.
I didn't go to public school,but my son has this entire week
off of school.
They call it President's Dayvacation or whatever it is.
(00:49):
I know what you're thinking.
The kids just had two weeks offfor Christmas break and they're
going to have another week offin spring for spring break.
So what the fuck is thisPresident's Day break?
Why do they get an entire weekoff during President's Day?
I don't know.
Just another excuse for themnot to teach my kids or to take
(01:09):
care of them while I work.
But it's all good.
We pivoted, we're getting stuffdone.
My son caught a lizard today.
It's sunny enough, so yeah,we're doing good.
On top of all that good stuff,just a quick update on the
health front, if you care.
If you've been listening for awhile, you know that I've been
on this.
I don't want to call it ajourney, I feel like that's too
(01:30):
cliche and everyone uses that,but I've just been trying to get
healthier, lose weight, feelbetter about myself, feel better
about how I look in the mirrorand just also have more energy,
be able to move around easier.
I got down to my lowest weightlast Friday, which was when we
do real weigh-ins, and over theweekend I gained some of it back
because I don't count caloriesover the weekend, but I got down
(01:54):
to 258.6, which is the lowestthat I've been in a while.
Saw a picture comparison ofactually a picture just showed
up that showed me 12 years agowith my wife and I feel like I
look older than I do now.
So still doing the right thingscounting my calories, going and
lifting and exercising, tryingto get sleep, prioritizing my
(02:17):
health that's where I'm at.
I'm still on it.
Hopefully by summertime I'lljust be super jacked and tan and
ready to take on summer.
But stay tuned, I'll do somemore updates about exercise,
fitness, all that stuff thethings that we struggle with or
at least I struggle with being adad, being a husband, being
(02:37):
busy, working.
It's hard but it's important.
It's important to take care ofyour health.
That's just a small littleupdate on where I'm at with some
of my New Year's resolutionsand what I'm focusing on right
now.
But for today, for the episode,let's go ahead and jump on in
Now.
For a lot of parents out therewhether you're a new parent, an
(02:58):
old parent or you've been doingthis for a long time you're
about to become a parent.
There's one thing thatdefinitely happens, especially
if you have friends who areparents or with siblings who are
parents.
Once you start having kids,there's this weird thing that
happens and I feel like ithappens a lot more within, like
the mom groups and stuff likethat, but not to take away from
(03:19):
the fact that this also issomething that pops up with dads
in dad groups.
I've definitely struggled withthis and I've had it pop up in
my own parenting.
I'm about to say journey again.
I don't know why.
I want to say everything's ajourney.
This has shown up in myparenting story as well, and
that is the act of turning justregular childhood milestones or
(03:43):
accomplishments intocompetitions and then like
bragging about it.
And I'll explain what I meanwith that.
But but you let me just paint apicture for you.
You're sitting down, your kidhas finally learned how to sit
up by themselves and you'resuper excited about it.
You're like, oh, look, they'resitting up.
(04:04):
And then you've got this momwho walks by and is like, oh
yeah, my kid was sitting up whenthey were X amount of months
younger than your kid, but mykid's just special.
It might not come out exactlylike that, but there's this
weird competition.
Like I said, I fall into thesame thing where I make the
weirdest things a competition.
(04:26):
Like my kid did this fasterthan your kid, or my kid's so
advanced he went shit on thetoilet at the age of two, or he
started walking when he was 13seconds old, or started doing
long division when he was 14seconds out the womb, whatever
it is 14 seconds out the womb,whatever it is.
(04:46):
Parents constantly turn thesemilestones that kids are going
to eventually hit into like thiscompetitive game between other
parents, between other kids, andit's really something that
needs to come to an end Notbecause it really matters, like
no one really gives a crap.
And your kid's eventually goingto get potty trained, your
kid's going to eventually walk,your kid's eventually going to
(05:08):
be talking.
There are all these differentthings that our kids are
eventually going to do thateveryone eventually figures out
and everyone figures them out atdifferent points along their
lives.
But we take it and we make itinto like this competition with
other parents, that almost likewe're doing such a good job as
(05:29):
parents, or that we're so muchmore superior, or that our kids
are superior to the other kids,that they're able to do these
things quicker, that they'rejust a little bit more special,
a little bit more talented, alittle bit more important than
other kids, because they're ableto say goo-goo-ga-ga and
ultimately, what it does is sure.
It's making you feel a littlebit better about yourself.
(05:52):
Potentially, maybe that's whypeople do it, because they just
want to feel like they have thislike little boost of
self-confidence that they'redoing a good job as a parent,
which you are right.
Good, if your kid startedwalking at an early age, maybe
you did a few things that helpedthem do that.
Or if your kid learned how togo potty at age one was already,
you know, wiping their butt andpeeing on their own.
(06:14):
Maybe there are certain thingsthat you did as a parent that
helped push them along to that,and good on you.
I'm not here to take anythingaway from you on that one, but
what I would say is that it morefeeling of self-doubt and
almost like a self-consciousnessthat can be developed in
(06:35):
parents whose kids don't developthose milestones or don't hit
those milestones as quickly assome of the other kids, even
though it's completely normal,even though it's normal that
they don't hit those.
There's a range and that rangeis fucking big.
It's anywhere from six monthsold to like three and a half
years old.
That's a giant window, that's agiant time frame, and that
(06:56):
doesn't mean that the parentsare doing a bad job and that
also doesn't mean like the kidsare any less talented or any
less important or any lessspecial.
By making it a competition,you're creating these feelings
of self-doubt in other people,and not everyone's going to fall
into that.
Hopefully, other parents whohave kids that are developing a
little bit slower or not hittingthose milestones right away.
(07:18):
Hopefully they are able toshake it off and just realize
that, hey, my kid's justdeveloping at a different speed.
That's fine.
They're going to have their ownspecial set of talents and they
are going to eventually dothese things that other parents
are or other kids are startingto hit.
But if not, or if you're like areally obnoxious person about
(07:39):
it and just constantly talkingabout it and acting like you're
so high and mighty about it, youcan create these feelings not
only in the parents but alsopotentially in the kids,
especially as they get older,talking about how this kid's
able to do this and this kid'sable to do that, and like you're
not able to do that, you're notable to walk yet, oh, you
should be walking.
Or you can't read yet, youshould be able to read, write.
(08:01):
My kid's already reading andwriting.
They've been doing that sincethey were two years old and I
don't want this to get twistedinto me saying that you can't be
proud of your kids or proud oftheir achievements.
It's that boastful, greater thanthou mentality that I know that
other people see out there.
Like I said, we all strugglewith it.
I've, I have done this, I havebragged about my youngest
(08:22):
walking at 10 months and myoldest walking at 12 months old.
He was faster than pretty muchall of his cousins to learn how
to walk and learn how to talkboth of my boys which obviously
that just means that my kids arefar superior to everyone else's
.
No, they're not.
They're good kids.
They're great kids.
Some may say they're the bestkids, but you know, for me I
(08:46):
don't necessarily want to havethat negative impact on other
parents or on other kids andmake them feel shameful.
And additionally to this pointis that someday my kids are
going to run into kids that arebetter than them at certain
things or that are hittingmilestones quicker than they are
or can do things that theycan't do.
(09:08):
And if I'm constantly justsitting there and tying in this
competitive mindset when itcomes to these things, what's
going to happen to my kids whenthey're on the opposite side of
it?
Or to anyone Right?
Not just me, like I said, I'mtrying not to do this but to
that boastful mom or thatboastful dad who's bragging
about how their kids startedwalking at six months old and
(09:32):
started reciting Robert Fosspoetry when they were two years
old.
What happens one day when theyget to a milestone or to
something that they can'tnecessarily do or that they
struggle with and there's otherkids that are doing better than
them and they've been told theirentire life and you've tied in
part of your personality intothem doing things quickly.
(09:52):
It's going to have a hugeimpact on them and hopefully
they have the resilience to kindof get over it quickly.
But I just it's going to happento everyone.
You're going to run into a timewhere there's someone better
than you.
I always tell anyone who playssports, or when I talk about
wrestling or football or rugbyit doesn't matter what it is,
(10:12):
you can be really good at a lotof different things.
You're eventually going to runinto someone who's better than
you and that's why you don'tnecessarily want to just
completely build your entirepersona around this competition
with other people or what otherpeople are doing, and by doing
that, as a parent, your kids aregoing to pick up on that common
(10:33):
theme with this show Kids watchus, kids imitate us, kids
follow the example that we lead.
So if we're constantly puttingout this persona of like, we're
tying everything to thesemilestones or to these
achievements, as opposed to thekid's personality or just all of
(10:53):
the good things that they have.
It's going to cause issues inthe future, or at least that's
what I think Now.
That doesn't mean that youshouldn't try your best to help
your kid develop.
I'm not saying sit back, letyour kid do whatever the hell
they want.
If they're struggling or ifthey're not wanting to do
certain things that aredevelopmentally appropriate, you
(11:18):
should be there trying to helpthem along in a loving and
caring manner, not because youwanna be able to brag or show
that your kid did it to theother moms and dads of the group
, but because that's what's bestfor your child.
That's gonna make them happy.
Being able to walk, being ableto talk, being able to go potty
like these, are things that aregoing to help them assimilate in
(11:38):
to their with their peers.
And so when you're doing thisstuff, it's your responsibility
as a parent to help your kidsdevelop and to help them get
these skills, but also not totie so much of your own persona,
so much of your own self-worth,into them hitting these
(11:59):
milestones, because if theydon't, they're going to be able
to sense that either you'redisappointed even if you're good
at hiding it, they're going tosense you're disappointed, or if
you're not good at hiding it,if you're a real dick and you
just wear your emotions on yoursleeves, like I can do, they're
going to see that, or you'regoing to tell them.
You're going to get upset,you're going to get angry,
(12:19):
you're going to treat themdifferently.
And so just I guess to ask ofthis episode is not to treat the
milestones and the achievementsof your children, especially
when they're younger, when theycan't control it, you can't
control it.
Especially when they're younger, when they can't control it.
You can't control it.
You're not going to be able totell when your kid's going to go
to potty, when they're going tobe able to swim, when they're
(12:39):
going to be able to walk, orwhen they're going to be able to
crawl or sit up or sleep in abig boy bed and get out of their
crib.
You're not going to know whenall of this stuff's going to
happen.
It's just going to happeneventually when the kid's ready
for it, when you're ready for it, it's going to happen.
So don't tie all of yourself-worth into these things.
Don't tie their self-worth intoit.
These are just things theyachieve.
Your kids are a lot deeper thanthat.
(13:00):
You, as a parent are a lotdeeper than that.
It doesn't have this reflectionon you unless you're just
absolutely not doing anythingand just sitting around and
drinking Mai Tais all day, thenmaybe it is a reflection on you.
But for the most part, if youcare, if you try, if you're
working towards being a goodparent, your kids are going to
hit these milestones, even ifit's a little bit slow, and this
(13:22):
is not just for the.
I'm talking about it in termsof all of the small things that
they do when they're little,when they're walking or talking
and all of these things.
But this also goes when theyget older, when they start
playing sports or they startdoing speech and debate or they
start getting academicachievements or whatever it is.
(13:43):
Whenever they're getting to thepoint where they can start
achieving and doing things thatare going to get them accolades,
it's great to embrace that, toreward that, to push them to be
the best person that they can be.
We always want to try and helpnudge our children along, guide
them along the path of life andgetting them to try and be the
(14:07):
best versions of themselves thatis possible.
You want them to get there.
That being said, you don't wantthat to be the sole thing that
they hold on to.
You always see those kids thatjust achievement, achievement,
achievement that's who they areis.
They are achievement.
They are what they do asopposed to they are who they are
(14:27):
.
I want my kids to have thoseachievements that they get, or
that hard work, my kids to havethose achievements that they get
, or that hard work, get themthese certain achievements, or
get them these certainmilestones, and they can feel
good about those things.
But the achievements aren'tthem.
The hard work, the persistence,the failures, all those things,
(14:47):
that kind of wrap in all ofthat encapsulated, that is them,
that's their character, that'stheir personality and that's the
thing that I want them to hangtheir hat on.
That's the thing that I wantthem to be the most proud of and
that should be the thing thatI'm the most proud of them for,
as a parent, pushing themforward, helping them be great
(15:08):
people and realizing thatthey're.
They can achieve great things.
But even if they don't, or evenif they're unable to do it, that
they still have value and worth.
And if you're holding theirachievements to such a high
standard, they're going to seethat as well.
They're going to see that momand dad care about what I do,
the achievements I hit, themilestones I hit when I win,
(15:32):
when I succeed, and they'regoing to think that you're
latching on to the thing asopposed to them, as opposed to
the people that they are, andyou want to just make sure that
you let them know that it's notabout the achievement, it's
about them, it's about the workthat they put in, it's about
their character, it's abouttheir personality.
(15:54):
Those are the things that youcare about as a person.
And the achievements, theawards, the milestones, those
are just the end results of theactual journey.
Now, this is like a negativeconnotation, but I don't know
how else to say it.
Those are the symptoms, not thedisease, right, but not, like
your kid's, a disease.
I'm not sure if I'm explainingthis very well Now.
(16:15):
I just feel like I'm kind oframbling.
But anyways, you get what I'msaying.
It's about them, about the hardwork that they put in, and
don't let your whole personalityor your whole self-worth get
wrapped up into the achievementsand milestones of your kids,
because they're going to seethat that's what you put so much
(16:36):
worth in and it's going to havea big negative impact on them,
a big negative impact on you,and it could be setting you and
your kids down a path that youreally don't want to go.
I know that I don't necessarilywant to go down that path, so
I'm going to steer clear of it.
Everything in this life can bemade into a competition, and
that's more of a reflection onus as parents as opposed to a
(16:57):
reflection of our children.
We're the first ones to kind ofpush our kids down that
direction, and so I just urgeyou, if you're one of those
parents of the high achievingkids, take a step back.
See if you're boasting, see ifyou're bragging, see if you're
being a fucking annoying twat,and if you are, acknowledge it
(17:18):
and just maybe keep your mouthshut for a little bit.
Let other kids kind of get inthere and succeed.
Let other parents come in andtalk about what their kids have
done.
Just don't always make it aboutyou and about your kids'
achievements.
I'm glad that they're hittingcertain milestones.
I'm glad that they're a greatkid.
I'm sure that some of yourparenting has definitely led to
them being there.
(17:39):
But you don't always have to besinging it from a high rooftop.
You can in private, right?
You can when your kids arearound, you should be praising
them.
But you know what I mean.
Don't be some braggadociousa-hole.
And if you're one of thoseparents to the kids that aren't
necessarily hitting all theirmilestones, or they go a little
bit slower or they go at theirown speed, it's okay.
(18:00):
You're doing fine.
If you're trying, if you'relearning, if you really do care
about your kids and you wantwhat's best for them, I'm sure
you're doing the best that youcan do.
I'm sure that your kids areeventually going to succeed or
going to hit those milestones,and it's okay.
Everything's going to be okay.
You're not a terrible parentbecause your kid's not going
(18:22):
potty at the age of one.
You're not a terrible parentbecause your kid's not walking
at six months old.
You're not a terrible parent ifyour kid's not reading in a
certain age right, unlessthey're like 18, then yeah,
maybe you did do some shit wrong, but for the most part, in
early stages of childhood, yourkids are going to do what
they're going to do.
They're going to go at theirown speed.
(18:43):
You help them along and you'redoing just fine.
Everything's going to be okay.
Your kids are going to be okay.
They'll get into Harvard,they'll get into Penn, they'll
get into Yale, whatever it is.
Wherever you want them to go,your kids can achieve whatever
they want to achieve.
You're helping them along theway.
(19:03):
Don't tie all of it into thesemilestones.
Don't let other parents makeyou feel like you're less, than
if your kid's not going at thesame speed that they are.
And yeah, just keep on tryingyour best, everything's going
gonna be okay.
You're doing a great job.
Keep it up, and that's gonna doit for this episode.
Oh, before I go sorry, not thewhole episode Recommendation for
(19:28):
a TV show that ties into thisepisode of Tough.
Go and watch Bluey.
I know it's a kid's show and Idon't care.
It's a great show, greatcartoon.
It's funny, good for the kids,good for the adults.
Bluey the episode is calledBaby Race and if you don't cry,
(19:49):
you're not a human being.
That is going to be it for thisepisode of the Unhinged Father,
or Tough as I like to call it.
I hope that you all enjoy it.
I feel like I went roundaboutall the way around and just
endless stream of consciousnesson this one, just like every
other episode.
So I hope you enjoyed it.
If you have any suggestions orif you agree disagree, as always
(20:12):
, send me a message, eitherthrough email, instagram or you
can click at the bottom of theshow notes.
There is a little button thatsays send a message about the
show.
I can't respond to you, but Ican see those messages and I
would very much appreciate it.
If there's anything that youwant me to talk about, or if you
have any notes or critiques ofthe show, definitely let me know
(20:32):
.
That's it.
Have a good rest of the day andI will see.
All right, everyone welcome to the show.
Hope you're all having afantastic day, having a good
month so far, Hope 2025 is offto a fantastic start for you and
that you're sticking to all ofyour New Year's resolutions.
Hope you're still in the gym,still not eating chocolate, not
cussing as much.
Whatever it was that you cameup with.
I hope that you're sticking toit.
For me, somewhat, I'm stickingto some of those things,
(00:25):
definitely not doing as good atplanning out these episodes as I
thought I was going to be ableto do.
That being said, we've justbeen.
We're always busy.
We've got two kids, we bothwork.
Things come up, but this week,unexpectedly or not necessarily
unexpectedly we knew it was onthe calendar, something new.
I didn't go to public school,but my son has this entire week
off of school.
They call it President's Dayvacation or whatever it is.
(00:49):
I know what you're thinking.
The kids just had two weeks offfor Christmas break and they're
going to have another week offin spring for spring break.
So what the fuck is thisPresident's Day break?
Why do they get an entire weekoff during President's Day?
I don't know.
Just another excuse for themnot to teach my kids or to take
(01:09):
care of them while I work.
But it's all good.
We pivoted, we're getting stuffdone.
My son caught a lizard today.
It's sunny enough, so yeah,we're doing good.
On top of all that good stuff,just a quick update on the
health front, if you care.
If you've been listening for awhile, you know that I've been
on this.
I don't want to call it ajourney, I feel like that's too
(01:30):
cliche and everyone uses that,but I've just been trying to get
healthier, lose weight, feelbetter about myself, feel better
about how I look in the mirrorand just also have more energy,
be able to move around easier.
I got down to my lowest weightlast Friday, which was when we
do real weigh-ins, and over theweekend I gained some of it back
because I don't count caloriesover the weekend, but I got down
(01:54):
to 258.6, which is the lowestthat I've been in a while.
Saw a picture comparison ofactually a picture just showed
up that showed me 12 years agowith my wife and I feel like I
look older than I do now.
So still doing the right thingscounting my calories, going and
lifting and exercising, tryingto get sleep, prioritizing my
(02:17):
health that's where I'm at.
I'm still on it.
Hopefully by summertime I'lljust be super jacked and tan and
ready to take on summer.
But stay tuned, I'll do somemore updates about exercise,
fitness, all that stuff thethings that we struggle with or
at least I struggle with being adad, being a husband, being
(02:37):
busy, working.
It's hard but it's important.
It's important to take care ofyour health.
That's just a small littleupdate on where I'm at with some
of my New Year's resolutionsand what I'm focusing on right
now.
But for today, for the episode,let's go ahead and jump on in
Now.
For a lot of parents out therewhether you're a new parent, an
(02:58):
old parent or you've been doingthis for a long time you're
about to become a parent.
There's one thing thatdefinitely happens, especially
if you have friends who areparents or with siblings who are
parents.
Once you start having kids,there's this weird thing that
happens and I feel like ithappens a lot more within, like
the mom groups and stuff likethat, but not to take away from
(03:19):
the fact that this also issomething that pops up with dads
in dad groups.
I've definitely struggled withthis and I've had it pop up in
my own parenting.
I'm about to say journey again.
I don't know why.
I want to say everything's ajourney.
This has shown up in myparenting story as well, and
that is the act of turning justregular childhood milestones or
(03:43):
accomplishments intocompetitions and then like
bragging about it.
And I'll explain what I meanwith that.
But but you let me just paint apicture for you.
You're sitting down, your kidhas finally learned how to sit
up by themselves and you'resuper excited about it.
You're like, oh, look, they'resitting up.
(04:04):
And then you've got this momwho walks by and is like, oh
yeah, my kid was sitting up whenthey were X amount of months
younger than your kid, but mykid's just special.
It might not come out exactlylike that, but there's this
weird competition.
Like I said, I fall into thesame thing where I make the
weirdest things a competition.
(04:26):
Like my kid did this fasterthan your kid, or my kid's so
advanced he went shit on thetoilet at the age of two, or he
started walking when he was 13seconds old, or started doing
long division when he was 14seconds out the womb, whatever
it is 14 seconds out the womb,whatever it is.
(04:46):
Parents constantly turn thesemilestones that kids are going
to eventually hit into like thiscompetitive game between other
parents, between other kids, andit's really something that
needs to come to an end Notbecause it really matters, like
no one really gives a crap.
And your kid's eventually goingto get potty trained, your
kid's going to eventually walk,your kid's eventually going to
(05:08):
be talking.
There are all these differentthings that our kids are
eventually going to do thateveryone eventually figures out
and everyone figures them out atdifferent points along their
lives.
But we take it and we make itinto like this competition with
other parents, that almost likewe're doing such a good job as
(05:29):
parents, or that we're so muchmore superior, or that our kids
are superior to the other kids,that they're able to do these
things quicker, that they'rejust a little bit more special,
a little bit more talented, alittle bit more important than
other kids, because they're ableto say goo-goo-ga-ga and
ultimately, what it does is sure.
It's making you feel a littlebit better about yourself.
(05:52):
Potentially, maybe that's whypeople do it, because they just
want to feel like they have thislike little boost of
self-confidence that they'redoing a good job as a parent,
which you are right.
Good, if your kid startedwalking at an early age, maybe
you did a few things that helpedthem do that.
Or if your kid learned how togo potty at age one was already,
you know, wiping their butt andpeeing on their own.
(06:14):
Maybe there are certain thingsthat you did as a parent that
helped push them along to that,and good on you.
I'm not here to take anythingaway from you on that one, but
what I would say is that it morefeeling of self-doubt and
almost like a self-consciousnessthat can be developed in
(06:35):
parents whose kids don't developthose milestones or don't hit
those milestones as quickly assome of the other kids, even
though it's completely normal,even though it's normal that
they don't hit those.
There's a range and that rangeis fucking big.
It's anywhere from six monthsold to like three and a half
years old.
That's a giant window, that's agiant time frame, and that
(06:56):
doesn't mean that the parentsare doing a bad job and that
also doesn't mean like the kidsare any less talented or any
less important or any lessspecial.
By making it a competition,you're creating these feelings
of self-doubt in other people,and not everyone's going to fall
into that.
Hopefully, other parents whohave kids that are developing a
little bit slower or not hittingthose milestones right away.
(07:18):
Hopefully they are able toshake it off and just realize
that, hey, my kid's justdeveloping at a different speed.
That's fine.
They're going to have their ownspecial set of talents and they
are going to eventually dothese things that other parents
are or other kids are startingto hit.
But if not, or if you're like areally obnoxious person about
(07:39):
it and just constantly talkingabout it and acting like you're
so high and mighty about it, youcan create these feelings not
only in the parents but alsopotentially in the kids,
especially as they get older,talking about how this kid's
able to do this and this kid'sable to do that, and like you're
not able to do that, you're notable to walk yet, oh, you
should be walking.
Or you can't read yet, youshould be able to read, write.
(08:01):
My kid's already reading andwriting.
They've been doing that sincethey were two years old and I
don't want this to get twistedinto me saying that you can't be
proud of your kids or proud oftheir achievements.
It's that boastful, greater thanthou mentality that I know that
other people see out there.
Like I said, we all strugglewith it.
I've, I have done this, I havebragged about my youngest
(08:22):
walking at 10 months and myoldest walking at 12 months old.
He was faster than pretty muchall of his cousins to learn how
to walk and learn how to talkboth of my boys which obviously
that just means that my kids arefar superior to everyone else's
.
No, they're not.
They're good kids.
They're great kids.
Some may say they're the bestkids, but you know, for me I
(08:46):
don't necessarily want to havethat negative impact on other
parents or on other kids andmake them feel shameful.
And additionally to this pointis that someday my kids are
going to run into kids that arebetter than them at certain
things or that are hittingmilestones quicker than they are
or can do things that theycan't do.
(09:08):
And if I'm constantly justsitting there and tying in this
competitive mindset when itcomes to these things, what's
going to happen to my kids whenthey're on the opposite side of
it?
Or to anyone Right?
Not just me, like I said, I'mtrying not to do this but to
that boastful mom or thatboastful dad who's bragging
about how their kids startedwalking at six months old and
(09:32):
started reciting Robert Fosspoetry when they were two years
old.
What happens one day when theyget to a milestone or to
something that they can'tnecessarily do or that they
struggle with and there's otherkids that are doing better than
them and they've been told theirentire life and you've tied in
part of your personality intothem doing things quickly.
(09:52):
It's going to have a hugeimpact on them and hopefully
they have the resilience to kindof get over it quickly.
But I just it's going to happento everyone.
You're going to run into a timewhere there's someone better
than you.
I always tell anyone who playssports, or when I talk about
wrestling or football or rugbyit doesn't matter what it is,
(10:12):
you can be really good at a lotof different things.
You're eventually going to runinto someone who's better than
you and that's why you don'tnecessarily want to just
completely build your entirepersona around this competition
with other people or what otherpeople are doing, and by doing
that, as a parent, your kids aregoing to pick up on that common
(10:33):
theme with this show Kids watchus, kids imitate us, kids
follow the example that we lead.
So if we're constantly puttingout this persona of like, we're
tying everything to thesemilestones or to these
achievements, as opposed to thekid's personality or just all of
(10:53):
the good things that they have.
It's going to cause issues inthe future, or at least that's
what I think Now.
That doesn't mean that youshouldn't try your best to help
your kid develop.
I'm not saying sit back, letyour kid do whatever the hell
they want.
If they're struggling or ifthey're not wanting to do
certain things that aredevelopmentally appropriate, you
(11:18):
should be there trying to helpthem along in a loving and
caring manner, not because youwanna be able to brag or show
that your kid did it to theother moms and dads of the group
, but because that's what's bestfor your child.
That's gonna make them happy.
Being able to walk, being ableto talk, being able to go potty
like these, are things that aregoing to help them assimilate in
(11:38):
to their with their peers.
And so when you're doing thisstuff, it's your responsibility
as a parent to help your kidsdevelop and to help them get
these skills, but also not totie so much of your own persona,
so much of your own self-worth,into them hitting these
(11:59):
milestones, because if theydon't, they're going to be able
to sense that either you'redisappointed even if you're good
at hiding it, they're going tosense you're disappointed, or if
you're not good at hiding it,if you're a real dick and you
just wear your emotions on yoursleeves, like I can do, they're
going to see that, or you'regoing to tell them.
You're going to get upset,you're going to get angry,
(12:19):
you're going to treat themdifferently.
And so just I guess to ask ofthis episode is not to treat the
milestones and the achievementsof your children, especially
when they're younger, when theycan't control it, you can't
control it.
Especially when they're younger, when they can't control it.
You can't control it.
You're not going to be able totell when your kid's going to go
to potty, when they're going tobe able to swim, when they're
(12:39):
going to be able to walk, orwhen they're going to be able to
crawl or sit up or sleep in abig boy bed and get out of their
crib.
You're not going to know whenall of this stuff's going to
happen.
It's just going to happeneventually when the kid's ready
for it, when you're ready for it, it's going to happen.
So don't tie all of yourself-worth into these things.
Don't tie their self-worth intoit.
These are just things theyachieve.
Your kids are a lot deeper thanthat.
(13:00):
You, as a parent are a lotdeeper than that.
It doesn't have this reflectionon you unless you're just
absolutely not doing anythingand just sitting around and
drinking Mai Tais all day, thenmaybe it is a reflection on you.
But for the most part, if youcare, if you try, if you're
working towards being a goodparent, your kids are going to
hit these milestones, even ifit's a little bit slow, and this
(13:22):
is not just for the.
I'm talking about it in termsof all of the small things that
they do when they're little,when they're walking or talking
and all of these things.
But this also goes when theyget older, when they start
playing sports or they startdoing speech and debate or they
start getting academicachievements or whatever it is.
(13:43):
Whenever they're getting to thepoint where they can start
achieving and doing things thatare going to get them accolades,
it's great to embrace that, toreward that, to push them to be
the best person that they can be.
We always want to try and helpnudge our children along, guide
them along the path of life andgetting them to try and be the
(14:07):
best versions of themselves thatis possible.
You want them to get there.
That being said, you don't wantthat to be the sole thing that
they hold on to.
You always see those kids thatjust achievement, achievement,
achievement that's who they areis.
They are achievement.
They are what they do asopposed to they are who they are
(14:27):
.
I want my kids to have thoseachievements that they get, or
that hard work, my kids to havethose achievements that they get
, or that hard work, get themthese certain achievements, or
get them these certainmilestones, and they can feel
good about those things.
But the achievements aren'tthem.
The hard work, the persistence,the failures, all those things,
(14:47):
that kind of wrap in all ofthat encapsulated, that is them,
that's their character, that'stheir personality and that's the
thing that I want them to hangtheir hat on.
That's the thing that I wantthem to be the most proud of and
that should be the thing thatI'm the most proud of them for,
as a parent, pushing themforward, helping them be great
(15:08):
people and realizing thatthey're.
They can achieve great things.
But even if they don't, or evenif they're unable to do it, that
they still have value and worth.
And if you're holding theirachievements to such a high
standard, they're going to seethat as well.
They're going to see that momand dad care about what I do,
the achievements I hit, themilestones I hit when I win,
(15:32):
when I succeed, and they'regoing to think that you're
latching on to the thing asopposed to them, as opposed to
the people that they are, andyou want to just make sure that
you let them know that it's notabout the achievement, it's
about them, it's about the workthat they put in, it's about
their character, it's abouttheir personality.
(15:54):
Those are the things that youcare about as a person.
And the achievements, theawards, the milestones, those
are just the end results of theactual journey.
Now, this is like a negativeconnotation, but I don't know
how else to say it.
Those are the symptoms, not thedisease, right, but not, like
your kid's, a disease.
I'm not sure if I'm explainingthis very well Now.
(16:15):
I just feel like I'm kind oframbling.
But anyways, you get what I'msaying.
It's about them, about the hardwork that they put in, and
don't let your whole personalityor your whole self-worth get
wrapped up into the achievementsand milestones of your kids,
because they're going to seethat that's what you put so much
(16:36):
worth in and it's going to havea big negative impact on them,
a big negative impact on you,and it could be setting you and
your kids down a path that youreally don't want to go.
I know that I don't necessarilywant to go down that path, so
I'm going to steer clear of it.
Everything in this life can bemade into a competition, and
that's more of a reflection onus as parents as opposed to a
(16:57):
reflection of our children.
We're the first ones to kind ofpush our kids down that
direction, and so I just urgeyou, if you're one of those
parents of the high achievingkids, take a step back.
See if you're boasting, see ifyou're bragging, see if you're
being a fucking annoying twat,and if you are, acknowledge it
(17:18):
and just maybe keep your mouthshut for a little bit.
Let other kids kind of get inthere and succeed.
Let other parents come in andtalk about what their kids have
done.
Just don't always make it aboutyou and about your kids'
achievements.
I'm glad that they're hittingcertain milestones.
I'm glad that they're a greatkid.
I'm sure that some of yourparenting has definitely led to
them being there.
(17:39):
But you don't always have to besinging it from a high rooftop.
You can in private, right?
You can when your kids arearound, you should be praising
them.
But you know what I mean.
Don't be some braggadociousa-hole.
And if you're one of thoseparents to the kids that aren't
necessarily hitting all theirmilestones, or they go a little
bit slower or they go at theirown speed, it's okay.
(18:00):
You're doing fine.
If you're trying, if you'relearning, if you really do care
about your kids and you wantwhat's best for them, I'm sure
you're doing the best that youcan do.
I'm sure that your kids areeventually going to succeed or
going to hit those milestones,and it's okay.
Everything's going to be okay.
You're not a terrible parentbecause your kid's not going
(18:22):
potty at the age of one.
You're not a terrible parentbecause your kid's not walking
at six months old.
You're not a terrible parent ifyour kid's not reading in a
certain age right, unlessthey're like 18, then yeah,
maybe you did do some shit wrong, but for the most part, in
early stages of childhood, yourkids are going to do what
they're going to do.
They're going to go at theirown speed.
(18:43):
You help them along and you'redoing just fine.
Everything's going to be okay.
Your kids are going to be okay.
They'll get into Harvard,they'll get into Penn, they'll
get into Yale, whatever it is.
Wherever you want them to go,your kids can achieve whatever
they want to achieve.
You're helping them along theway.
(19:03):
Don't tie all of it into thesemilestones.
Don't let other parents makeyou feel like you're less, than
if your kid's not going at thesame speed that they are.
And yeah, just keep on tryingyour best, everything's going
gonna be okay.
You're doing a great job.
Keep it up, and that's gonna doit for this episode.
Oh, before I go sorry, not thewhole episode Recommendation for
(19:28):
a TV show that ties into thisepisode of Tough.
Go and watch Bluey.
I know it's a kid's show and Idon't care.
It's a great show, greatcartoon.
It's funny, good for the kids,good for the adults.
Bluey the episode is calledBaby Race and if you don't cry,
(19:49):
you're not a human being.
That is going to be it for thisepisode of the Unhinged Father,
or Tough as I like to call it.
I hope that you all enjoy it.
I feel like I went roundaboutall the way around and just
endless stream of consciousnesson this one, just like every
other episode.
So I hope you enjoyed it.
If you have any suggestions orif you agree disagree, as always
(20:12):
, send me a message, eitherthrough email, instagram or you
can click at the bottom of theshow notes.
There is a little button thatsays send a message about the
show.
I can't respond to you, but Ican see those messages and I
would very much appreciate it.
If there's anything that youwant me to talk about, or if you
have any notes or critiques ofthe show, definitely let me know
(20:32):
.
That's it.
Have a good rest of the day andI will see.
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