February 26, 2025 • 21 mins
In this episode of The Unhinged Father, we dive into the importance of showing love and affection in front of your kids. Inspired by a simple yet profound comment from my 5-year-old, I explore why kids feel safer and more secure when they see their parents genuinely like each other.
We break down:
✔️ How generational differences shape how we express love in front of our kids
✔️ The dangers of falling into a “business partnership” marriage mindset
✔️ Why emotional safety is just as important as physical protection
✔️ The balance between masculinity, strength, and vulnerability as a father
✔️ How the social media “alpha male” narrative often misses the bigger picture
This episode is a must-listen for dads (and moms) who want to raise emotionally secure, confident kids while maintaining a strong and healthy relationship. If you’ve ever felt weird about hugging or kissing your spouse in front of your children—this one’s for you.
🎧 Tune in, reflect, and then go hug your wife and kids.
#Parenting #Fatherhood #Marriage #DadLife #RaisingKids #Masculinity #AlphaMaleMyth #EmotionalIntelligence
Send a message about the episode!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, welcome to the show everyone.
Hope you're having a fantasticday, having a good week.
Hope that february is goingwell for you.
We're this close to justpopping into march.
It the year is flying by sofast, fucking nuts.
So, uh, I had an episode that Iwas gonna do.
I actually started recordingPretty much most of it and just
(00:21):
decided Fuck it, I do not likethis.
I don't like the direction it'sgoing.
I didn't plan it out wellenough.
It's a more nuancedconversation that I need to
really plan out and have a goodstructure, or else it's going to
sound like I'm going in circles.
So I decided to scrap that andjust do one that actually came
to mind over Valentine's Day,and I think it might be a little
(00:43):
bit of a shorter episode.
That's Day, and I think itmight be a little bit of a
shorter episode.
That's fine.
I think that this is animportant one to talk about, and
so it was actually somethingthat was brought up by my son,
my older son, the five-year-old.
The two-year-old doesn't give ashit about anything except ball
and bluey and tackling peopleand chocolate cookies, basically
(01:03):
.
So my five and a half year old.
When we put him down, we talkedto him about what was good
during the day, what was badduring the day and what made him
sad, just kind of talking abouthow his day went and trying to
get him to interact with us andreflect on things during the day
.
And this was during theValentine, valentine day weekend
(01:24):
, and my wife was laying downwith him, did her prayers and he
was going over this stuff.
And one of the things he saidthat he really appreciated was
that mom and dad like each otherand he said that he likes that
mom and dad, you know, give eachother hugs and kiss each other
and show affection to each other.
And it was just, it was kind ofa an interesting, interesting
(01:46):
thing to reflect on, because youknow me and my wife, we love
each other and I'm not like thebiggest person who's into like
PDA, like I'm not walking aroundgroping my wife in front of my
kids.
It's not like Drax fromGuardians of the Galaxy who
talks about you know how it wasa story in his house when how he
was conceived.
We're not that type of familybut we are.
(02:07):
We're pretty open, right.
I do hug my wife, I say I loveyou, I give her a kiss, we're
not afraid to have conversationsin front of the kids about us
liking each other, about thefact that we're husband and wife
on top of being mom and dad,and so I thought that I would
take this episode to discuss whyI think that that's.
(02:28):
Actually it made me feel good,that that's something that my
son feels good about, that helikes to see that his mom and
dad like each other and go intoa little bit more of like the
deeper meaning on that, becauseI definitely know within my
household it wasn't a commonthing to see affection between
my mom and dad and that couldjust be a generational thing.
(02:50):
I think that a lot of parentsfrom older generations didn't
think it was appropriate forkids to see that mom and dad
liked each other, that mom anddad were buried to each other.
It's almost like mom and dadwere just this, being this
entity that's there to take careof the kids, and a lot of times
(03:12):
it's really easy to fall intothat trap.
Right, I've done it before, meand my wife.
We've fallen into our littletrenches and just kind of gone
down in the same direction.
We get busy with work, we getbusy with taking the kids to all
the different practices.
They've got getting the kidsbathed, getting them in bed.
One of them's got a fever.
There's so much shit that getsin the way of actually liking or
(03:37):
hanging out or spending qualitytime with your spouse that it's
understandable, that it almostbecomes like a business type
relationship.
And for me personally, if meand my wife aren't in a good
space even though I'm, you know,I'm attracted to my wife, I
love my wife.
But if we had a fight orthere's something that's bugging
me or something's kind of justeaten at the back of my head
(04:00):
that is between the two of us, Inotice that I'm less
affectionate, that I don't wantto spend time with her or that I
don't wanna like show thataffection to her in front of the
kids.
There's something that'ssubconsciously holding me back a
lot of the times and it'sbecause I don't feel like we're
in that good spot.
And so when we're moreaffectionate around the kids,
it's not only feels good to meand probably feels good to my
(04:22):
wife, because it feels like meand her in a good mental spot, a
good emotional spot, but itprobably feels really good to
the kids too, because they feelsafe in in this environment,
whenever my mom and dad wouldfight.
Or you know, whenever we fight,my wife and, uh, myself, the
kids they know something's goingon and myself, the kids they
(04:43):
know something's going on.
They feel the tension, theyfeel all the emotions bubbling
up and with us, luckily, it'snot like big blowups.
But when I was growing up, therewere big blowups, there were
big blowup fights that wouldresult in screaming, yelling,
stuff like that, and in thosemoments I just remember that we
(05:03):
would cry, we would feel unsafeand it was a terrible time.
We didn't like it, and I thinkthat this is something that's
good for all parents to remember.
I'm not here to dog on you.
If you've gotten entrenched inthese business model type things
of you know we need to get shitdone.
I got to take the kids there.
(05:24):
I'm pissed off at my husbandbecause he said he was going to
do something six months ago andhe still hasn't fucking done it.
Like, all of these things canbe true and we're going to go
through ups and downs in ourrelationships.
There's going to be good times,there's going to be bad times,
but I think the goal is to tryand be in a state of where you
and your wife are constantly ina good state of connection,
because it's not only going tobe good for you and your spouse,
(05:48):
but it's also going to be goodfor the kids.
The kids can feel thatconnection.
The kids can see that mom anddad love each other.
And when mom and dad love eachother, if you think of it on
like an evolutionary perspective, I see mom and dad.
They love each other, they kisseach other, they hug each other
, they are affectionate.
They're a solid unit that meansthat they're there to provide
(06:10):
support for us.
There's not this like outsidetension or this threat of them
splitting and then us losing ourprotective cocoon, our
protective environment, becausemom and dad are not just dealing
with us or our safety or workor whatever.
They're also dealing with thefact that they're struggling
(06:33):
internally with each other.
And there's a lot of otherthings can come into play with
that as well.
Obviously, if you really, ifyour relationship really
degrades into a place to whereyou're fighting with each other,
you're using the kids asweapons or you're screaming,
yelling all of these things,it's going to create a very
dysregulating environment foryour kids and it's going to be
hard for them growing up, andthey may have to grow up a
(06:54):
little bit faster in order toput up like these protective
barriers for themselves.
So it was just something thatcame up organically, with my son
saying that he really likes thefact that mom and dad love each
other, that we like each other,that we hug each other, that we
(07:15):
kiss each other, because to himthat's safety.
That means that he's got a safe, stable foundation with mom and
dad.
He doesn't have to.
He's got so many other thingsto worry about in this world as
his brain is developing and he'slearning new things social
skills, friends.
At school One of his friendscalled him a doo-doo head.
(07:35):
One of his friends says he'snot his friend anymore.
He's learning how to read,write.
There's so many changesneurologically and emotionally
and socially that are going onwith this kid at five and a half
years old.
The one thing that he shouldn'thave to worry about is our mom
and dad.
Ok, our mom and dad going tosplit our mom and dad?
(07:57):
Am I going to be without one ofthose parents?
And having both parents isextremely important, and this is
not to dog on single moms orsingle dads.
Like you, do the best with whatyou can, but if you have an
ideal environment, having asolid mom and a solid dad
presence in the household.
It's absolutely amazing for thekids.
(08:19):
It's good for the kids to haveboth perspectives.
You've got, if you've got, twolevel heads, two logical heads
that think differently, that aretwo completely different people
and think about things indifferent ways, they're going to
bring so much into thatrelationship and you're going to
have this balancing act thatworks out between the kids and
(08:40):
the parents and I just thinkthat it's important.
I guess if I had a point in allof this, it's just it's
important to be good with yourspouse, to be in a good spot
with them, to love them, to showthat you love them, to create
this environment of love in thehouse, because not only does it
help create this environment ofsafety, but our family also,
(09:02):
when I was growing up, was notbig on like I love you and all
the like, lovey, dodovey shitthat goes on with a lot of
households.
We weren't necessarily thatfamily, but I want that for my
family, like I want my kids tofeel comfortable to tell me that
they love me, to give me a hug,to give me a kiss, to give
their mom a kiss, to tell themthat they love them.
(09:23):
I want them to feel safe andnot weird or have these like
weird psychological orsubconscious holdups on showing
affection or showing love.
I don't want that to be a thingthat they struggle with because
I know thately horse shit thatI didn't have growing up and I
(09:54):
say horse shit, you know, tonguein cheek.
This is all stuff I want mykids to have.
I don't want them to feel thesame way that I did and I don't
feel that way with them now.
I'm not afraid to show my kidsaffection and I'm not afraid to
show my wife connection.
But there was a time in my lifewhen I was a younger skinnier
(10:14):
probably less handsome becauseI'm aging like fine wine man
that showing public displays ofaffection or showing that love
or that softer side of me washard, was difficult.
I couldn't do it and I don'twant my kids to have to even
struggle with that.
I just want them to have itfrom day one to be where I'm at
right now.
I'm like at the base level ofbeing able to show this shit.
(10:36):
I want my kids to start offhere and then be able to grow
exponentially from there.
One of the things that I'mthinking about as well is like.
The episode I was going to dowas about this weird social
media surge of like the alphamale type shit, and just
something that I was thinkingabout that ties in with this is
that not only I'm a relativelymasculine man not a toxic alpha
(11:05):
male or whatever the fuck youwould call it, but someone who
has strong masculine tendenciesI'm.
I value strength and being ableto protect my family and all of
these different things, butsomething that popped up was you
know this social media guy whowas talking about you need to be
strong for your kids, who canprotect them, and you know
there's predators in the worldand you need to be physically
(11:27):
imposing and to keep your kidssafe, and I agree with that to a
certain extent, but I think oneof the things that we forget is
that the men of old would dothat.
That was like the old schooldad is keep kids and family
physically safe, and I thinkthat that's still a good focus,
but you need to be able toincorporate that.
You need to be able to keepyour kids emotionally safe as
(11:50):
well.
You need to be able to havethat emotional intelligence and
make sure that your kids notonly feel physically safe in
your presence, but that theyalso feel emotionally safe in
your presence.
They don't feel afraid of youor afraid to come to you with
the things that they're dealingwith, that they're not afraid to
tell you when they fail or whenthey're scared or any of those
(12:12):
other things.
And I've touched upon it inother episodes.
But I think that it's a bigfocus of mine to make sure that
my family and that my kids feelboth physically and emotionally
safe in my presence.
And the only way that I can dothat is by learning to not only
(12:35):
show my strength, to show thathardness, but to also show the
vulnerability to my kids, showvulnerability to my family, to
show them the softer side of methat I don't necessarily want
the world to see, because I'malways trying to kind of create
this shield for them, protectthem from the hardships of the
world or some of the things, notprotect them from everything.
(12:58):
Right, everything in moderation.
And I do need to expose my kids.
I can't protect them fromeverything, but, especially when
they're young, you want to keepyour family safe, but don't
forget to embrace thevulnerability and show them that
they can be emotionally safe inyour presence as well and, yeah
, this all kind of came from,like I said, the fact that my
(13:18):
five-year-old likes seeing momand dad hug and kiss because it
makes him feel good, makes himfeel like he's in a family,
which he is.
He is in a family.
We're a strong family and we'regoing to, you know, we're going
to try and make sure that we dothe best for our family and do
what we were put on this earthto do right To make strong, kind
(13:40):
, compassionate and good littlehuman beings that get to
continue on this legacy of us.
So, yeah, if you've got someweird hangups about hugging and
kissing your spouse, your wife,in front of your kids, get over
it.
Who gives a shit?
Give your wife a hug, give yourwife a kiss.
(14:01):
Tell her you love her.
Give your kids hugs, give yourkids kisses.
Tell them that you love them,that you're proud of them.
You don't want to be that dadwho's so fucking stoic it
doesn't tell your kids anythingor doesn't tell your wife
anything, and then you get toyour deathbed one day and you're
like I wish I could have toldpeople this shit.
This is, this is your call toaction right now.
(14:21):
Your time has come.
The time is now.
It's not when you're fuckinglaying in your bed dying of a
heart attack or old age orwhatever the fuck it is.
It's right now.
Hug your wife, hug your kids,tell them you love them, tell
them that you will do anythingfor them, show them that you are
what they need and what theydeserve, and that's it.
(14:43):
I'll get off my high horse nowregarding you going out there
and making sure you show thatyour family affection and that
you get over any hiccups thatyou might have.
But these are just some thingsthat popped up with me and I
wanted to kind of end on.
Uh, it's interesting.
There's a song that I've reallyliked for a long time, really
(15:05):
bluesy southern type song.
It's by a, an artist calleduncle lu Lucius, and it's called
Keep the Wolves Away, butthere's just some lyrics in
there that really stand out tome.
It's like a story essentially,and it goes through and I don't
know.
It ties in with the wanting tobe emotionally and physically
(15:30):
strong for your kids andessentially it follows this
family that's blue collar,working in.
It sounds like the refineriesdown in the gulf of mexico and
the dad works overtime and it'sall about keeping the wolves
away and um the idea of thewolves away.
There's a couple of differentinstances that that's used.
It's the the refrain of thesong, but it's not only in the
(15:55):
beginning part.
It's like keeping the wolvesaway was like going working
overtime, making money to keepfood on the table, to keep bill
collectors away, likeessentially the dad was going
out there and doing what he hadto do to keep those wolves away.
And the second part of the songthe dad gets poisoned and they
talk about like corporatebullshit and how he was
(16:15):
purposely injured on the job andthey talk about keeping the
wolves away again.
But it's the dad fighting forhis life to keep the wolves away
.
It's like death is circling andhe's fighting to keep those
wolves away in order to be therefor his family.
You know, be there for hisfamily.
And then at the end of the songit transitions to where the
(16:36):
singer acknowledges that his dadhas done all of these things
throughout his life to keepwhatever the wolves are.
You know, like I said, it'ssymbolic.
It can be a multitude ofdifferent things, but at the end
of the song the son takes overand says now it's his time to
keep the wolves away from hisfamily, and so there's just
something about that.
I don't know that, um, thatsymbolism, that that that
(17:00):
picture of having differentthings come out through your
life that are wolves in in yourjob as a father or as a mother
or you know, just a parent ingeneral is to to keep the away,
and you need to fight like hellto do it, because there are
things in this world that suck,there are things that are gonna
try and bring you down, and itdoesn't mean that you need to
(17:21):
always be hard or whatever, likeI just talked about.
But I don't know.
There's just something aboutthat image of the parent, of the
dad keeping the wolves away forhis family, doing whatever he
can for them, and I think thatthe old school dad would just
talk about physically keepingthe wolves away.
(17:43):
But I think now, like me as afather, one of the things of
keeping the wolves away is likekeeping my own inner demons away
.
I can be the wolves in allreality.
I can be the one who's bringingthe hardships.
My own mental dysregulation canbe the one bringing the
hardships.
So, yeah, I just wanted tothrow that out there.
(18:05):
Go listen to it.
It's a great song, especiallyif you like bluesy rock it's
awesome.
It's a slower one, moreemotional.
Lucy Rock it's awesome, it's aslower one, more emotional,
sentimental, I think.
But there's just somethingabout the way that he paints the
picture that really resonateswith me.
You can interpret it in any waythat you can, but as a father,
I think of it as being the onewho keeps the physical wolves
(18:27):
away and the emotional wolvesaway, and someone who can be
there to be a stabilizing forcein my kids and also in my wife's
life, someone who's there foreveryone in my family and really
trying to be the best versionof me that I can be.
But I think that that'sprobably going to do it, for
(18:48):
this week's episode Kind of wentin a few different directions
there.
I've got ADHD, like I say.
In pretty much most of theseepisodes I am all over the place
and my mind goes in weirddirections.
So hopefully you were able topick a few things out of this
that were beneficial to you.
But yeah, if there's anythingthat you would like me to talk
(19:11):
about or you want to hear myideas or thoughts on it, please
use the little send me messagefunction, let me know.
And then also, if you arelistening, you enjoy the podcast
.
I would appreciate if you youknow, share it with someone,
share it with someone that youthink might benefit from
listening to this episode orprevious episodes, or who would
(19:33):
enjoy it listening to thisepisode or previous episodes, or
who would enjoy it.
And if you haven't alreadysubscribe on Apple Podcasts or
Spotify, leave me a review.
Let me know if it's good, letme know if it's shit.
One way or the other, I'd liketo know.
But that's going to do it forthis week's episode.
Hope you all have a fantasticweek and I'll see you next week.
All right, welcome to the show everyone.
Hope you're having a fantasticday, having a good week.
Hope that february is goingwell for you.
We're this close to justpopping into march.
It the year is flying by sofast, fucking nuts.
So, uh, I had an episode that Iwas gonna do.
I actually started recordingPretty much most of it and just
(00:21):
decided Fuck it, I do not likethis.
I don't like the direction it'sgoing.
I didn't plan it out wellenough.
It's a more nuancedconversation that I need to
really plan out and have a goodstructure, or else it's going to
sound like I'm going in circles.
So I decided to scrap that andjust do one that actually came
to mind over Valentine's Day,and I think it might be a little
(00:43):
bit of a shorter episode.
That's Day, and I think itmight be a little bit of a
shorter episode.
That's fine.
I think that this is animportant one to talk about, and
so it was actually somethingthat was brought up by my son,
my older son, the five-year-old.
The two-year-old doesn't give ashit about anything except ball
and bluey and tackling peopleand chocolate cookies, basically
(01:03):
.
So my five and a half year old.
When we put him down, we talkedto him about what was good
during the day, what was badduring the day and what made him
sad, just kind of talking abouthow his day went and trying to
get him to interact with us andreflect on things during the day
.
And this was during theValentine, valentine day weekend
(01:24):
, and my wife was laying downwith him, did her prayers and he
was going over this stuff.
And one of the things he saidthat he really appreciated was
that mom and dad like each otherand he said that he likes that
mom and dad, you know, give eachother hugs and kiss each other
and show affection to each other.
And it was just, it was kind ofa an interesting, interesting
(01:46):
thing to reflect on, because youknow me and my wife, we love
each other and I'm not like thebiggest person who's into like
PDA, like I'm not walking aroundgroping my wife in front of my
kids.
It's not like Drax fromGuardians of the Galaxy who
talks about you know how it wasa story in his house when how he
was conceived.
We're not that type of familybut we are.
(02:07):
We're pretty open, right.
I do hug my wife, I say I loveyou, I give her a kiss, we're
not afraid to have conversationsin front of the kids about us
liking each other, about thefact that we're husband and wife
on top of being mom and dad,and so I thought that I would
take this episode to discuss whyI think that that's.
(02:28):
Actually it made me feel good,that that's something that my
son feels good about, that helikes to see that his mom and
dad like each other and go intoa little bit more of like the
deeper meaning on that, becauseI definitely know within my
household it wasn't a commonthing to see affection between
my mom and dad and that couldjust be a generational thing.
(02:50):
I think that a lot of parentsfrom older generations didn't
think it was appropriate forkids to see that mom and dad
liked each other, that mom anddad were buried to each other.
It's almost like mom and dadwere just this, being this
entity that's there to take careof the kids, and a lot of times
(03:12):
it's really easy to fall intothat trap.
Right, I've done it before, meand my wife.
We've fallen into our littletrenches and just kind of gone
down in the same direction.
We get busy with work, we getbusy with taking the kids to all
the different practices.
They've got getting the kidsbathed, getting them in bed.
One of them's got a fever.
There's so much shit that getsin the way of actually liking or
(03:37):
hanging out or spending qualitytime with your spouse that it's
understandable, that it almostbecomes like a business type
relationship.
And for me personally, if meand my wife aren't in a good
space even though I'm, you know,I'm attracted to my wife, I
love my wife.
But if we had a fight orthere's something that's bugging
me or something's kind of justeaten at the back of my head
(04:00):
that is between the two of us, Inotice that I'm less
affectionate, that I don't wantto spend time with her or that I
don't wanna like show thataffection to her in front of the
kids.
There's something that'ssubconsciously holding me back a
lot of the times and it'sbecause I don't feel like we're
in that good spot.
And so when we're moreaffectionate around the kids,
it's not only feels good to meand probably feels good to my
(04:22):
wife, because it feels like meand her in a good mental spot, a
good emotional spot, but itprobably feels really good to
the kids too, because they feelsafe in in this environment,
whenever my mom and dad wouldfight.
Or you know, whenever we fight,my wife and, uh, myself, the
kids they know something's goingon and myself, the kids they
(04:43):
know something's going on.
They feel the tension, theyfeel all the emotions bubbling
up and with us, luckily, it'snot like big blowups.
But when I was growing up, therewere big blowups, there were
big blowup fights that wouldresult in screaming, yelling,
stuff like that, and in thosemoments I just remember that we
(05:03):
would cry, we would feel unsafeand it was a terrible time.
We didn't like it, and I thinkthat this is something that's
good for all parents to remember.
I'm not here to dog on you.
If you've gotten entrenched inthese business model type things
of you know we need to get shitdone.
I got to take the kids there.
(05:24):
I'm pissed off at my husbandbecause he said he was going to
do something six months ago andhe still hasn't fucking done it.
Like, all of these things canbe true and we're going to go
through ups and downs in ourrelationships.
There's going to be good times,there's going to be bad times,
but I think the goal is to tryand be in a state of where you
and your wife are constantly ina good state of connection,
because it's not only going tobe good for you and your spouse,
(05:48):
but it's also going to be goodfor the kids.
The kids can feel thatconnection.
The kids can see that mom anddad love each other.
And when mom and dad love eachother, if you think of it on
like an evolutionary perspective, I see mom and dad.
They love each other, they kisseach other, they hug each other
, they are affectionate.
They're a solid unit that meansthat they're there to provide
(06:10):
support for us.
There's not this like outsidetension or this threat of them
splitting and then us losing ourprotective cocoon, our
protective environment, becausemom and dad are not just dealing
with us or our safety or workor whatever.
They're also dealing with thefact that they're struggling
(06:33):
internally with each other.
And there's a lot of otherthings can come into play with
that as well.
Obviously, if you really, ifyour relationship really
degrades into a place to whereyou're fighting with each other,
you're using the kids asweapons or you're screaming,
yelling all of these things,it's going to create a very
dysregulating environment foryour kids and it's going to be
hard for them growing up, andthey may have to grow up a
(06:54):
little bit faster in order toput up like these protective
barriers for themselves.
So it was just something thatcame up organically, with my son
saying that he really likes thefact that mom and dad love each
other, that we like each other,that we hug each other, that we
(07:15):
kiss each other, because to himthat's safety.
That means that he's got a safe, stable foundation with mom and
dad.
He doesn't have to.
He's got so many other thingsto worry about in this world as
his brain is developing and he'slearning new things social
skills, friends.
At school One of his friendscalled him a doo-doo head.
(07:35):
One of his friends says he'snot his friend anymore.
He's learning how to read,write.
There's so many changesneurologically and emotionally
and socially that are going onwith this kid at five and a half
years old.
The one thing that he shouldn'thave to worry about is our mom
and dad.
Ok, our mom and dad going tosplit our mom and dad?
(07:57):
Am I going to be without one ofthose parents?
And having both parents isextremely important, and this is
not to dog on single moms orsingle dads.
Like you, do the best with whatyou can, but if you have an
ideal environment, having asolid mom and a solid dad
presence in the household.
It's absolutely amazing for thekids.
(08:19):
It's good for the kids to haveboth perspectives.
You've got, if you've got, twolevel heads, two logical heads
that think differently, that aretwo completely different people
and think about things indifferent ways, they're going to
bring so much into thatrelationship and you're going to
have this balancing act thatworks out between the kids and
(08:40):
the parents and I just thinkthat it's important.
I guess if I had a point in allof this, it's just it's
important to be good with yourspouse, to be in a good spot
with them, to love them, to showthat you love them, to create
this environment of love in thehouse, because not only does it
help create this environment ofsafety, but our family also,
(09:02):
when I was growing up, was notbig on like I love you and all
the like, lovey, dodovey shitthat goes on with a lot of
households.
We weren't necessarily thatfamily, but I want that for my
family, like I want my kids tofeel comfortable to tell me that
they love me, to give me a hug,to give me a kiss, to give
their mom a kiss, to tell themthat they love them.
(09:23):
I want them to feel safe andnot weird or have these like
weird psychological orsubconscious holdups on showing
affection or showing love.
I don't want that to be a thingthat they struggle with because
I know thately horse shit thatI didn't have growing up and I
(09:54):
say horse shit, you know, tonguein cheek.
This is all stuff I want mykids to have.
I don't want them to feel thesame way that I did and I don't
feel that way with them now.
I'm not afraid to show my kidsaffection and I'm not afraid to
show my wife connection.
But there was a time in my lifewhen I was a younger skinnier
(10:14):
probably less handsome becauseI'm aging like fine wine man
that showing public displays ofaffection or showing that love
or that softer side of me washard, was difficult.
I couldn't do it and I don'twant my kids to have to even
struggle with that.
I just want them to have itfrom day one to be where I'm at
right now.
I'm like at the base level ofbeing able to show this shit.
(10:36):
I want my kids to start offhere and then be able to grow
exponentially from there.
One of the things that I'mthinking about as well is like.
The episode I was going to dowas about this weird social
media surge of like the alphamale type shit, and just
something that I was thinkingabout that ties in with this is
that not only I'm a relativelymasculine man not a toxic alpha
(11:05):
male or whatever the fuck youwould call it, but someone who
has strong masculine tendenciesI'm.
I value strength and being ableto protect my family and all of
these different things, butsomething that popped up was you
know this social media guy whowas talking about you need to be
strong for your kids, who canprotect them, and you know
there's predators in the worldand you need to be physically
(11:27):
imposing and to keep your kidssafe, and I agree with that to a
certain extent, but I think oneof the things that we forget is
that the men of old would dothat.
That was like the old schooldad is keep kids and family
physically safe, and I thinkthat that's still a good focus,
but you need to be able toincorporate that.
You need to be able to keepyour kids emotionally safe as
(11:50):
well.
You need to be able to havethat emotional intelligence and
make sure that your kids notonly feel physically safe in
your presence, but that theyalso feel emotionally safe in
your presence.
They don't feel afraid of youor afraid to come to you with
the things that they're dealingwith, that they're not afraid to
tell you when they fail or whenthey're scared or any of those
(12:12):
other things.
And I've touched upon it inother episodes.
But I think that it's a bigfocus of mine to make sure that
my family and that my kids feelboth physically and emotionally
safe in my presence.
And the only way that I can dothat is by learning to not only
(12:35):
show my strength, to show thathardness, but to also show the
vulnerability to my kids, showvulnerability to my family, to
show them the softer side of methat I don't necessarily want
the world to see, because I'malways trying to kind of create
this shield for them, protectthem from the hardships of the
world or some of the things, notprotect them from everything.
(12:58):
Right, everything in moderation.
And I do need to expose my kids.
I can't protect them fromeverything, but, especially when
they're young, you want to keepyour family safe, but don't
forget to embrace thevulnerability and show them that
they can be emotionally safe inyour presence as well and, yeah
, this all kind of came from,like I said, the fact that my
(13:18):
five-year-old likes seeing momand dad hug and kiss because it
makes him feel good, makes himfeel like he's in a family,
which he is.
He is in a family.
We're a strong family and we'regoing to, you know, we're going
to try and make sure that we dothe best for our family and do
what we were put on this earthto do right To make strong, kind
(13:40):
, compassionate and good littlehuman beings that get to
continue on this legacy of us.
So, yeah, if you've got someweird hangups about hugging and
kissing your spouse, your wife,in front of your kids, get over
it.
Who gives a shit?
Give your wife a hug, give yourwife a kiss.
(14:01):
Tell her you love her.
Give your kids hugs, give yourkids kisses.
Tell them that you love them,that you're proud of them.
You don't want to be that dadwho's so fucking stoic it
doesn't tell your kids anythingor doesn't tell your wife
anything, and then you get toyour deathbed one day and you're
like I wish I could have toldpeople this shit.
This is, this is your call toaction right now.
(14:21):
Your time has come.
The time is now.
It's not when you're fuckinglaying in your bed dying of a
heart attack or old age orwhatever the fuck it is.
It's right now.
Hug your wife, hug your kids,tell them you love them, tell
them that you will do anythingfor them, show them that you are
what they need and what theydeserve, and that's it.
(14:43):
I'll get off my high horse nowregarding you going out there
and making sure you show thatyour family affection and that
you get over any hiccups thatyou might have.
But these are just some thingsthat popped up with me and I
wanted to kind of end on.
Uh, it's interesting.
There's a song that I've reallyliked for a long time, really
(15:05):
bluesy southern type song.
It's by a, an artist calleduncle lu Lucius, and it's called
Keep the Wolves Away, butthere's just some lyrics in
there that really stand out tome.
It's like a story essentially,and it goes through and I don't
know.
It ties in with the wanting tobe emotionally and physically
(15:30):
strong for your kids andessentially it follows this
family that's blue collar,working in.
It sounds like the refineriesdown in the gulf of mexico and
the dad works overtime and it'sall about keeping the wolves
away and um the idea of thewolves away.
There's a couple of differentinstances that that's used.
It's the the refrain of thesong, but it's not only in the
(15:55):
beginning part.
It's like keeping the wolvesaway was like going working
overtime, making money to keepfood on the table, to keep bill
collectors away, likeessentially the dad was going
out there and doing what he hadto do to keep those wolves away.
And the second part of the songthe dad gets poisoned and they
talk about like corporatebullshit and how he was
(16:15):
purposely injured on the job andthey talk about keeping the
wolves away again.
But it's the dad fighting forhis life to keep the wolves away
.
It's like death is circling andhe's fighting to keep those
wolves away in order to be therefor his family.
You know, be there for hisfamily.
And then at the end of the songit transitions to where the
(16:36):
singer acknowledges that his dadhas done all of these things
throughout his life to keepwhatever the wolves are.
You know, like I said, it'ssymbolic.
It can be a multitude ofdifferent things, but at the end
of the song the son takes overand says now it's his time to
keep the wolves away from hisfamily, and so there's just
something about that.
I don't know that, um, thatsymbolism, that that that
(17:00):
picture of having differentthings come out through your
life that are wolves in in yourjob as a father or as a mother
or you know, just a parent ingeneral is to to keep the away,
and you need to fight like hellto do it, because there are
things in this world that suck,there are things that are gonna
try and bring you down, and itdoesn't mean that you need to
(17:21):
always be hard or whatever, likeI just talked about.
But I don't know.
There's just something aboutthat image of the parent, of the
dad keeping the wolves away forhis family, doing whatever he
can for them, and I think thatthe old school dad would just
talk about physically keepingthe wolves away.
(17:43):
But I think now, like me as afather, one of the things of
keeping the wolves away is likekeeping my own inner demons away
.
I can be the wolves in allreality.
I can be the one who's bringingthe hardships.
My own mental dysregulation canbe the one bringing the
hardships.
So, yeah, I just wanted tothrow that out there.
(18:05):
Go listen to it.
It's a great song, especiallyif you like bluesy rock it's
awesome.
It's a slower one, moreemotional.
Lucy Rock it's awesome, it's aslower one, more emotional,
sentimental, I think.
But there's just somethingabout the way that he paints the
picture that really resonateswith me.
You can interpret it in any waythat you can, but as a father,
I think of it as being the onewho keeps the physical wolves
(18:27):
away and the emotional wolvesaway, and someone who can be
there to be a stabilizing forcein my kids and also in my wife's
life, someone who's there foreveryone in my family and really
trying to be the best versionof me that I can be.
But I think that that'sprobably going to do it, for
(18:48):
this week's episode Kind of wentin a few different directions
there.
I've got ADHD, like I say.
In pretty much most of theseepisodes I am all over the place
and my mind goes in weirddirections.
So hopefully you were able topick a few things out of this
that were beneficial to you.
But yeah, if there's anythingthat you would like me to talk
(19:11):
about or you want to hear myideas or thoughts on it, please
use the little send me messagefunction, let me know.
And then also, if you arelistening, you enjoy the podcast
.
I would appreciate if you youknow, share it with someone,
share it with someone that youthink might benefit from
listening to this episode orprevious episodes, or who would
(19:33):
enjoy it listening to thisepisode or previous episodes, or
who would enjoy it.
And if you haven't alreadysubscribe on Apple Podcasts or
Spotify, leave me a review.
Let me know if it's good, letme know if it's shit.
One way or the other, I'd liketo know.
But that's going to do it forthis week's episode.
Hope you all have a fantasticweek and I'll see you next week.
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