May 13, 2025 • 52 mins
The second part of our storm series focuses on what to do during moments of crisis, offering practical guidance for navigating through life's most challenging seasons. We share wisdom on how to maintain your sense of self and purpose when everything around you seems to be falling apart.
• Stop pretending about your situation and be honest about where you are
• Give yourself time and realize transformation is not a microwave process
• Embrace the Stockdale Principle - believe you'll win while facing current reality
• Avoid victim mentality as it kills creativity and blocks your progress
• Submit to the process of change and the transformation it brings
• Focus on serving others even in your struggle to gain perspective
• Understand that purpose is always tied to impact, not just personal growth
Like, share, and subscribe to join our community! Hit the notification bell so you can be part of the movement and receive updates when we drop new episodes. Let's keep unlearning together so we can experience more freedom.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
hello everybody and welcome once again to the
unlearned podcast.
I'm your host, ruth abigail akara what's up, friends?
It's your girl, jaquita andthis is the podcast that is
helping you gain the courage tochange your mind so that you yes
, you can experience morefreedom all right now all right,
hello, listen, we are out hererocking and rolling.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Yeah, we are in these podcast streets.
Okay Me and Ruth have had agreat week really just enjoying
all of the things, enjoying thestudio.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
This has been great.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Listen we out here.
This is just so has been somuch fun to be able to give a
different experience, you know,and, and and to look beep into
my best friend's eyes and andrealize we, we are one, we are
connected.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
We are unified.
We are unified, we're in thistogether.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
We are Wait before I even forget cause.
She said together and I thoughtabout you and I thought about
how you need to join thiscommunity.
Okay, Become part of themovement.
Okay, Like this podcast, shareit, subscribe, become part of
this family.
Ok, because we are unlearningtogether.
Ok so like, share and subscribe.
(01:13):
Want to remind you all hit thenotification bell Right so that
you can receive notifications ofwhen we drop in that next
episode.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
OK, so you can be a part of this thing.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
So Queda what are we talking about today?
Listen, all right.
If you joined us for the lastsegment, okay, we discussed
about what to do to prepare forthe storm.
If you have not watched thatepisode yet, make sure you go
hit that you want to go do thatBecause we gave you an emergency
toolkit, okay, with all of thethings that you need to be in
(01:47):
place before the storm.
Okay.
So today we're going to movefrom the before to the during.
Okay, we need to talk aboutwhat do I do if I am now in a
place where I am in a crisismoment, where something has
shifted, something has pivoted,something has knocked me.
You know what I heard somebodysay one time with the old folks
say you know, my cheese issliding off my cracker.
All right, your cheese.
(02:08):
The first time I heard that Iwas like huh if you cheat right
off that crib my baby.
Oh wait, a little uneasy.
Wow On the edge.
(02:29):
You know we really want to talkabout that today.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
I really don't know where to go from there, that is.
I've never heard that before.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
You've never heard that before.
Maybe it's a Greenville upstatething, because I've definitely
heard that my cheese is startingto slide off my cracker right.
So, listen, but if you're inthat moment and you know that
you are in the, you know,because before we talked about
what to do, how to anticipatethe shift or the storm coming
(03:00):
right, now we want to discussyeah, what do you do once you're
in the moment right, and youfeel things shifting and
changing and you're in themiddle of it, all right.
So, ruth Abigail, what's one ofyour first points?
What do we need to do?
Speaker 1 (03:13):
So one of the things that we have to, I would say,
one of the things we have tounlearn when we're in this
moment is to not pretend aboutwhere you really are.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
My Lord Right.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
We got to unlearn that pretending is the way to go
.
We you can't uh sanitize yoursituation my lord okay, and so
you want to recognize, you wantto admit where you are, like it
is okay, you have to be realabout it.
You, you don't want to try tocolor it up, and, especially for
those of us who are people offaith, we like to use this Jesus
(03:47):
language to color stuff up.
Right, you know everything'sgoing to be all right, the Lord.
You know the Lord is my, youknow I can do all things.
Right, all of that is true andit's OK to admit it's tough
right now and I need to say thatout loud, without trying to
(04:10):
quickly, trying to say but, butGod, but God, but God.
I mean, I mean like it's OK,because I think that God there's
plenty of moments in Scriptureyou can point to where God is
with people in storms yeah, andhe doesn't.
He doesn doesn't, he doesn'ttry, he doesn't.
He's not expecting you topretend like there isn't a storm
there.
Yeah, right, but there is one.
(04:31):
So I think the first thing isstop pretending.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Be real about where you are.
God is not.
God is not thrown off by yourstorm.
You know I okay.
I have two examples and one.
I have to give this becauseit's in my head.
For those of you who saw, whydid I get married?
And it was when Janet Jackson'scharacter, Patty, right and I
think her name was Patricia, butshe went by Patty sometimes and
she was like perfect Patty.
(04:56):
well, guess what?
Perfect Patty messed up, right,but she had been living so long
pretending like she wasn't in astorm.
Yes, you know, she waspretending like she didn't feel
all the things about her sonpassing away and pretending that
her husband wasn't grieving.
And pretending she had carriedthat pretend life so long that,
(05:18):
when she finally got to herbreaking point, y'all saw she
had that little tendril.
We were reminded that sheMichael Jackson's sister, so she
had that little tendril hangingin front of her face, you know.
And so I think that it's soimportant that you are
acknowledging like that thismoment that I am is bigger than
what I can handle right now.
(05:39):
That's right.
And you have to also remindyourself.
I remember and I've said thisin a previous episode that I
knew I was in a big shift in mylife and it wasn't necessarily a
crisis moment, but it was amoment that was bigger than me.
And I remember I was standingand I was getting some work done
on my house to prepare for thebig moment.
(06:00):
And I remember I was in theLowe's because I was buying like
deck wood and all this stuff.
I was in the mall in the lowsand I told the Lord.
I said, lord, I'm nervous.
And the Lord said those areyour feelings, they're not mine.
And basically what he wassaying was you're nervous about
this moment, but I've alreadyseen you through it, yeah, you
know.
And so I had to admit to myselfyeah, that like, hey, this,
(06:24):
this is kind of knocking me offmy cracker a little bit.
Right, this is knocking me off.
This moment is huge and I'm notquite sure what all to do with
it yet.
But I also had to remind myselfin that moment when I
recognized where I was and washonest about where I was.
(06:45):
That's when you can receiveassurance.
You can't be assured of nothing, of something you won't admit,
that you won't admit Exactly.
Yeah, people trying to comfortyou and you're like I ain't got
nothing.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
I'm good, I'm good Baby, yes, you do, yes, you do.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
Be up front and be real about it.
Be real about it.
Be real about it.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Yeah, okay.
So what else?
Up front and be real about it,be real about it.
Be real about it.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Yeah, okay.
So what else?
Okay, listen, all right.
And I think this is importantbecause, as millennials, I think
we've seen a lot.
You know, middle adults, listen, the people, millennials, we
have seen it all at this point.
You know we had the youngmillennials out here doing the
cinnamon challenge.
Y, the cinnamon challenge.
(07:30):
Y'all remember that.
Y'all was out here.
Y'all was out here eatingcinnamon.
Remember that, burning yourtongues up and such right.
We had a water bucket challenge.
Yeah, one chip.
You know, I just feel likewe've we've seen so many
extremes.
We've also seen so manyextremes in society.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
You know we've been through um depressions,
recessions whatever you want tocall it, we haven't been through
depressions.
We have been through a couplerecessions.
Whatever you want to call it,we haven't been through
depressions.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
We have been through a couple of recessions.
Y'all tell me, okay, y'all tellme, okay, y'all tell me.
But yeah, you know, we've been.
We've seen our country, ourworld, go through so many
different changes that a lot oftimes, our advice to each other
is okay, this is how you get outof this moment.
All right, you just got an X, yand Z and then push through it
and you're going to be all right.
(08:07):
And we, we encourage andencourage and push and push,
when really, what I love aboutthe younger generation, like the
generations up under us, isthat they take their moments,
yeah, right, and they realizesometimes too much.
So it's going to take time.
Yeah, it is going to take time.
Your process is is not, uh,it's not going to be immediate,
(08:29):
because what's being worked outis not the situation.
What's being worked out iswhat's inside of you that is
necessary to endure the nextseason.
Correct, the crisis is not aboutthe moment.
The crisis is about the mission.
Yeah, and when we make it aboutthe moment and not about what
inside of us needs to beperfected in order to get to the
(08:51):
next stage, we will try to rushthrough it.
Yeah, and I'm just going to behonest.
You know there have been acouple of times in my life when
I knew it was time for a new job.
Right, I'm not a person, and Idon't think most millennials are
like we changed the game for myparents because I ain't
standing on this job for 50years you know my granddaddy
retired from s-c-e-n-g, if youknow.
(09:11):
You know my metro people, right,he retired from s-c-e-n-g and
he gave them people like 40, 45years.
Wow, you know they got thewatch.
You know they got the plaqueswith their names on it.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
We're not aiming for that, no more.
Good, you know, we can make ourown plaques with their names on
it.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
We're not aiming for that no more.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
No, I'm good, we can make our own plaques on camera.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
What you talking about?
What you talking about.
I'll make my own certificate.
There you go.
Good job, jaquita.
Yes, sir, you are appreciated,but what you're doing in your
life is going to take a moment.
It's going to take a processfor you to be able to get from
(09:47):
the point that you're at to thepoint that you're getting to,
and there you don't knoweverything you need to know yet
you haven't met all the peopleyou need to meet, yet you have.
You don't have all the skillsyou need to have yet you don't
have all the resources that youneed.
Yet it is gone.
We are not going to be able tomicrowave ourselves through a
crisis.
That's good, now, that's reallygood.
You're gonna have to let itcook, yeah, right, and you're
(10:08):
gonna have to if you want, ifyou want the best result from it
, sorry, if you want the bestresult from it, right?
Yeah, microwave food is nevergoing to be as good as food that
is prepared, food that isprepped and prepared and cooked
and served.
Yes, that's what's happening inyour life, right?
Speaker 1 (10:26):
now, yeah, and I think that one thing that's hard
to unlearn about time is thatit's out of our control.
Time is not something youcontrol.
You don't have that and youcan't dictate how long
something's going to be, and sothat's why it's so important,
(10:46):
like we were saying at the lastepisode, that, to be prepared
with some things, because you'reyou might have to go the long
haul with this.
You may it may not be on youron the timetable.
You, you would prefer.
Yeah right um, we, we have ourown timetables.
We know it's like, hey, okay,this is going on, and then you
(11:08):
know, and at this time, I expectthis to be over, right, and or
I believe, and we, again, we, weput I think we use faith in a
irresponsible way A lot of times, right, right, Like, I believe
this, therefore, and that's notalways the case, and so I think
I think we just have to behonest about that and know and
(11:29):
trust that God's timing is thebest timing, even when it's and
particularly when it's not yourtiming.
You just don't know because,like you said, you don't know
what the future brings.
You don't know how long you'regoing to need to marinate in
certain things, and so we needto be aware that time is not in
our control, and so, even in themiddle of a crisis, when you
(11:51):
are I'm struggling, it is and itis difficult, but it's but also
know that it's not going tomake it better.
By rushing your, rushing theprocess, you won't't make it
better.
So you just have to lean in andlean into the best of your
ability, understanding that timecontinues to move.
It continues to progress.
(12:12):
Um, one of the things that Ilike remembering about time it
helps me is that, no matter whattoday won't won't, you won't
ever experience today again,never.
And so a lot of times on yourworst days, that's helpful to
know.
I won't ever be here again.
I don't know where I'll betomorrow, but I know this ain't
(12:33):
going to happen again becausetomorrow's always different.
That's good, right, and so, evenif it means you're different,
like you said so I think thatthere's that's that time thing
is so important.
You don't control it.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
You know, and I think , just one more point about time
is that what, what giving ittime allows it to do, it allows
you to reset and reframe whatyou're hoping for and what your
vision is, so that what you,what you envision for your life,
matches what God has alreadyplanned for your life.
(13:03):
At least, that's what it's beenfor me, and that's not
something I did willingly, whichis sometimes the point of the
crisis.
That was something that I hadto come into the realization of
is that a lot of times, ourcrisis moment is to shift and
turn us to go a different way.
Correct, you get what I'm sayingand so I think, a lot of times
(13:25):
when we're in that moment, youspend so much time I'm about to
talk about a dream I had.
You spend so much time tryingto go the way that you had
planned to go and you'refighting, you're kicking against
the prick for my Bible readers,right?
You're trying, you're stilltrying to live the life that you
had before, when the Lord issimply trying to turn you and
(13:46):
say but actually, what I had foryou is greater than that.
But you have to be able tohouse the vision, and so your
crisis moment again feels like.
It feels like a moment ofconflict.
It feels like it's deflatingsomething in you, but that's
that's most of the time, becausethere's something better that
(14:06):
God is trying to get you to, andyou have to allow him to show
you the areas that he's tryingto grow your capacity in.
And that's what takes time.
It takes time to change yourmind.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Man.
It takes sometimes years tochange your mind.
Like that's real Cause we'restubborn and we like the things
we like when we like them andthe way we like them and we're
used to certain things and we'vegot comfortable in certain ways
.
So, yes, it takes time, and Ilove that you said that, because
changing your mind is the isthe game changer.
That's what then?
That's when things begin tochange.
(14:39):
Yeah, right, um, so the nextthing, uh, uh, that that is
important.
Um, I think we think, when,when there's a crisis and it's
we have been we kind of beensaying about, you know,
recognizing, being honest aboutwhere you are and giving
yourself time.
There is an element, though, ofof healthy faith.
(15:01):
Right, you got to continue tohonestly believe that you will
win in the end.
You just don't necessarilydictate that end, yeah right,
but I I believe that this willbe better.
I just can't say win all thetime yeah and I think, um,
that's that is an importantthing to to unlearn.
You can be confident in yourvictory at the end and also
(15:25):
admit I don't know when that'sgoing to be those truths can
happen at the same time, and sothere's a book called Good to
Great by Jim Collins.
I do have it, do you?
Speaker 2 (15:38):
You told me to get it .
I did.
Did you read it Some of it?
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Okay, listen, right now I'm only halfway, but I did
get through this chapter.
Um, it's a book.
It's a book about companies,yeah right, but this is a
particular principle that Ithink um is.
It can easily be applied topersonal.
He calls it the stockholm, thestockholm syndrome.
(16:04):
Is it syndrome principleprinciple yeah, yeah, yeah stock
, oh, stockdale.
No, I'm wrong, it's stockdale,my fault.
Stockholm principle is a thingthat is not what I'm talking
about.
Okay, stockdale principle yesokay.
And so um Stockdale, he was, uh,in the army, he was a prisoner
of war.
(16:24):
He was in a camp for eightyears and when he got out, so
Jim Collins, the author, heinterviewed him and one of the
things that he said was who werethe ones that didn't make it
out?
And his answer was Stockdale'sanswer was the optimists.
(16:47):
He said the optimists didn'tmake it out.
And that really surprised JimCollins.
He said that's interesting.
Why wouldn't an optimist makeit out?
He said because they werealways the collins, as he was.
He said that's interesting.
Why wouldn't an optimist makeit out?
he said because they were alwaysthe ones that said we're going
to be out by christmas wow andwe never were oh so now your
hope it just keeps gettingshattered and shattered and
(17:07):
shattered because you keeptelling yourself something you
can't guarantee all right.
And so he said I, the reason hecredits the reason is because I
believed I would be out, but Iwas honest that I don't know
when.
Yeah, but, I, kept believingthat I'm gonna be out, but
that's gonna be.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
So you know I'm saying, but the ones, who, who,
who, like.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
We're gonna be out for Christmas, y'all, it's gonna
be okay.
We're gonna be out by NewYear's, it's gonna be okay.
We're gonna be out by Easter,it's gonna be okay, and it
wasn't okay and they crumbledbut so many times you know.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
This reminds me of right how, every year, when you
know, before you were married,you know every year, every year,
ruth Abigail would tell us 2019guys, this is our year right,
and then we would get to the endof it and we'd be like
disappointing again.
I ain't gonna lie Right,disappointing and and I think
(17:59):
what that causes you to do one,when you are focused more on
more on the um deliverance outof a thing versus the
deliverance out of a mindset.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Yes, I think you have to set your mind on.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
The goal is not to get to the next place.
The goal is to be whole, 100%Right.
And I think that a lot of timeswe are pouring from cups that
have holes in it.
But because you're pouring, youthink you're okay, yeah, right.
And because God has allowed youto see the evidence of your
poor, you believe that.
(18:36):
Oh, the evidence, theproduction of my work makes me
okay.
But God is looking and sayingthere's some things that if I
can get them to a moment tothemselves, I can really begin
to work on Right, and I know.
For me, what's funny is is thatthat Stockdale paradox was
actually one of the things thatI had to, I had to, I had to
work on because, I'm an optimist.
(18:57):
Y'all know that.
All right, I believe.
All right I got the faith thata thing is going to work out in
the way that I envisioned it.
There you go, right.
And I tell people like you know,to be an optimist sometimes is
to uh, is to live a life ofdisappointment.
Yeah, I see that, I say I.
But if you continue down thatpath, you begin to expect
(19:27):
disappointment instead ofexpecting change.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
And so, instead of embracingchange, you start embracing
disappointment, and that changesthe way that you approach life.
Yeah, when I expect, when Ihave hope, but I'm like this may
not work out, so I'm just goingto prepare for things to not
work out Right, instead ofpreparing for what if it
actually does work, exactlyRight, like what if in the
(19:48):
crisis, in the moment of crisis,because that's what happens a
lot of times, especially asmiddle adults friends Hello, my
30s and 40s, ok, especially us Alot of times, what gets us
stuck in a moment is when youfeel like you've gotten to a
point where things don't workanymore.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Right.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Right, things like what you did before is not
sustaining you anymore.
Right, what you did beforedoesn't work in the season that
you shifted into or in themoment that you're trying to get
into.
Some of us, some of the crisis,is happening at the end of a
thing and some of our crises arehappening at the beginning of a
(20:26):
thing.
Yeah Right.
And you're trying to apply oldprinciples to a new situation,
yeah Right.
And so I think that one thingthat we can be really aware of
is that when we are in thosemoments, you have to surrender
not just to the process.
You have to surrender to beingmade new, and that's a.
You know, I tell people.
(20:46):
I used to think that this wholebeing made new thing I thought
it was going to be a one-timething, you know.
Know, like I thought, hey, youknow I'm old and I'm new.
It's kind of like when you getsaved, you're like I'm saved now
.
You know, I wish you were stilltalking about sin.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
For why y'all still talking about that?
I moved?
Speaker 2 (21:06):
out my old house and moved to my new house.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
You know like yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
I got a whole new way of life but, baby, that old man
is still fighting you, and soyou know.
But again, the Stockdaleprinciple.
That was something that I hadto unlearn yes.
I had to unlearn this idea ofof putting, of putting my vision
on things yeah, and asking Godto do what I envisioned yeah
(21:31):
right.
But when you have a winningmindset, you say I don't know
how, I don't sorry, I was goingto sing.
But then Ruth Abigail islooking at me and y'all know how
she do Listen.
I was, I was going to let you,but anyways, the song goes.
I don't know how, I don't knowwhen.
Okay, victory.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
I will say that I and we talk about this all the time
I have an opposite issue inthat I struggle to say that I'm
going to win if I don't see it.
So I lean in the oppositedirection.
Right, I'm not a pessimist, butI would say that I'm just more
of a realist, I guess, but arealist leaning towards
(22:15):
pessimism in her worst days,right, and so I don't.
I really I it's like OK, andI've had to learn.
I mean, I really have had tolearn how to speak things that
are going to be without meknowing how it's going to be.
Yeah, because that's my thingis like, if I can see it, yeah,
(22:36):
I'm good.
I said it all day.
Right, we just finished apretty big project at angel
street.
I knew it was gonna happenbecause I could see the path.
Yeah, I wasn't.
I was like we got this.
Other people didn't believe it.
I believe it, we got it right.
But when I don't see it, it'shard for me to say that we're
gonna win, that I'm gonna win,and so I think that both of
those we you know, we have tounlearn that because it is a
(22:57):
marriage of both and I thinkthat's what this paradox um is
really teaching is you.
You have to do both.
You have to believe witheverything in you that you're
going to win and admit that thesituation does not look like it
right now my lord right, that'sgood, that's, that's.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
That's where that is so yeah, love it.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
So um, what's next, guido?
What's the next thing?
Speaker 2 (23:22):
listen, okay, I want to talk to my friends.
Okay, because I've been whereyou are.
Okay, and you go, you get tothese tough moments and the
first thing you start doing isidentifying everyone who put you
there right, everyone who madeyou feel like a victim.
You know, I understand, yeah,you know, and we get stuck in
(23:44):
these victim mindsets because webegin thinking about, well, if
they hadn't done this and ifthey hadn't done that, and if
such and such and such and suchhadn't did this, this and that,
then I wouldn't be where I am.
And you can get stuck being sohyper focused on what other
people have or have not donethat you miss the moment that
(24:05):
God is trying to carry you to.
Yes, and I promise you we'renot going to.
We can't name no name, sure,but I and in recent situations
that I've been, I mean myfriends can tell you.
Ruth Abigail can tell you likeI was hyper fixated on this
person or on these people, likethey are doing this, this and
this to me and it is affectingthe way that I interact and
(24:28):
engage with this moment that I'min Right, right, and when you
get stuck in that victim mindsetthat takes away everything that
you're trying to build out ofthis, out of this moment of
conflict or out of this crisismoment, right, because you
become fixated on on whatthey're, on, on being preyed
(24:49):
upon.
Instead of I'm sorry, I wasgoing to try to do a pray, a
pray and pray.
Yeah, I was like mine, get itget it, make this parallel, make
this connection Right, but you,you get fixated on what they're
doing to you instead of whatGod is doing in you, right?
And so that victim mindset, itis not just about you feeling
(25:10):
like you can't win, it is aboutyou feeling like someone has
done something yeah and maybethey that's real.
Yeah, I'm not trying to takethat away.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
That's good, you know yeah maybe people have done
things that have been reallydetrimental and hurtful for you
absolutely, but you will not getout of your crisis moment if if
you're only fixated on whatthey need to change and you're,
you're not going to, it's notgoing to while you're in your
crisis moment, you can't, you're, it's, it's just gonna keep put
(25:40):
putting putting you down rightand pushing you down and keeping
you down and like that is just,you don't want that right, like
I think I.
I love what you said as far assometimes it's a person,
sometimes it's people, societypeople will put it on society,
people will put it on theeconomy.
This is really interesting.
You know, michelle Obama has apodcast right in my opinion
(26:02):
which I've been enjoying, andthey did a live show where they
had somebody come up and ask aquestion and it was a young man,
he was 28.
And he had this whole preparedquestion but part of it was him
saying you know how I'mparaphrasing okay, but like how
do how do we, talking about ourgeneration, kind of move forward
(26:27):
in a way when the world that wewere promised is not, uh, it's
not, is not on the horizon,right, and talking about the
economy and not being able tobuy a house and things like this
?
And you can tell that he wasvery distraught by that and he
was.
It was a genuine question, um,and I think at the time they
(26:47):
were.
They were also interviewing apsychologist who taught a class
on mental health, right.
So, anyway, college course.
When I heard that, it was reallyinteresting because I'm sitting
here and he's not this, youknow, a lot of people in in, in
our generation and maybe alittle younger, feel like I've
(27:08):
been gypped by society.
Right, talk about it.
Yeah, my thing is two things.
I think you have to askyourself who promised you
anything just because you arehere.
Yeah, I mean, let's just bereal about it, like that's a
mindset we gotta kill, rightyeah you aren't promised.
(27:29):
Just because you're here doesn'tmean you get something.
Yeah, right it that.
That is.
That is the entitlement culturewe gotta unlearn.
And also, though, I think thatthis feeling like I am, I can't
do, I can't do anything untilsomething changes out there.
Yeah, right again, that issomething we have to unlearn.
(27:50):
You can like, yeah, you likebeing, being, you know this.
This young man was 28, but youknow 30, 32, 40, whatever,
whatever age you're at, it'slike, yeah, maybe, maybe you're
not getting the same economyyour parents got Right.
We're not getting that, and Ithink, first of all, that's just
true.
We got to live in that truth.
(28:12):
We're not getting that but doesthat mean that we can't still
go after things?
We want that we can't still goafter things we want.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
Listen, listen, can I hop in?
I think being staying in avictim mindset will.
It will kill your creativity,because you become hyper-focused
on being rescued.
You know I'm, you know I'm avictim and you're waiting on
your hero.
You're waiting on your boat tocome that will come and take you
(28:41):
out of this situation, and youbecome hyper-focused on I can't
wait till I get out of this.
I can't wait till I get out ofthis and you, you are looking
for something external to changeyour circumstances instead of
you learning how to thrive inthe midst of the crisis, because
that is what builds thenecessary ingredients in you in
order to really become the nextthing that you're becoming.
(29:03):
That's it Right, that's thecooking.
Yeah, the cooking is thecreativity that you gain from
being in difficult circumstances.
Yeah, but when you areconstantly like this is wrong,
this is wrong, why did they dothis, why did they do this?
And that's kind of likesomething that our generation is
stuck on right now.
When you look on uh, instagram,facebook, all of the places
(29:24):
we're all talking about, youknow how you know other
generations were able to do this.
They got this, remember when gaswas a dollar, but no, remember
when gas was a dollar.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
Wow, okay, because I actually do remember.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
When I remember, I remember when the three prices
for gas was like 99 cent a99, $1, and $1.01.
And my mama was like we'regetting that $0.99 gas, you know
, because that penny made adifference.
Now they're like $0.50, $0.75 apart and you're like Lord, yeah
, right.
But you know, when we stayfixated on what we don't have,
(29:57):
you miss your opportunity tohave more.
Guess what you can get a housein this economy.
Yes you can Guess what, you canthrive in this economy, that's
right.
Guess what you can make moves.
You can be successful, you canmove to your next level of
living, but not if you staystuck believing that you are a
(30:17):
victim.
Come on, the victim will neverget themselves out of a
situation.
Yeah, you have to move frombeing a victim to a victor.
Yeah, and you only do that bysitting down, taking a moment,
assessing what do I have in me,what is available, what is at my
disposal to help me win.
And I'm going to tell y'allright now the path towards your
(30:41):
next level in life, towards yourelevation, is not traditional.
It's not going to be the wayyour parents did it.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
It's not going to be the way that you've seen it done
before.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
You are going to have to allow God to carry you
through a creative process toget to where he's taking you.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
You absolutely do.
I love that.
You said that it's nottraditional and you're not going
to, it's not going to be theway you've seen it before.
And so to your point, thatcreativity piece is so crucial,
right, like you need and we aresome of the most creative, we
have a high degree of creativityin our and and and
entrepreneurship and innovation,like that's what we do.
(31:19):
And so don't just innovate forbusiness, innovate for your life
, innovate you know what I'msaying?
Innovate for your personal life, innovate for what you do, and
I think innovation looksdifferent for different people.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Right, like you know, like you might not be the
person that comes up withbusiness ideas.
Right, but you can.
You might be the person thatmakes processes better.
Yeah, you know you might be theperson that makes processes
better.
You know you might be theperson that can get in.
You're great at assistingpeople.
You might be the person that'sreally good at making things
look great and making thingsbetter.
Figure out what your thing isand maximize it.
(31:50):
Yeah, right, and stop gettingstuck on what you wish you had
or what you wish was different,and allow yourself to say, okay,
I'm in a difficult moment, butI don't have to stay here
because the people even if, evenif, even if because I know some
of y'all y'all got the bosses,you got the family members, you
got the people who you feel likeput you in a little difficult
(32:13):
spot.
I understand, even if somebodyelse put me in the spot, I don't
have to stay.
Even if somebody else put me inthe spot.
I don't have to stay here.
I don't have to stay here, andthem changing is not what's
going to deliver me out of mycircumstance, 100%.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
That's it, because, first of all, that's not your
decision for them to change.
It's not your decision and areyou trying to wait on them to
change?
I'm not trying to wait on themto change Like you, just you
opting into a situation youdon't have to be in for long.
(32:46):
But if you just keep waiting onother people to change or on
society to change or on theeconomy to change, then you are
just opting into being where youare longer and and that's and.
So, because you have no ideawhen that's going to happen, you
don't have, you don't havecontrol over that.
I think that moves us to this,you know, to this next point of
like yes, yes, feel, yes, dothat yes, be, be in that for a
time, but, like you said, don'tbe stuck after you have felt and
(33:07):
have resolved.
This is where I am.
This is the real realityevaluate, evaluate what, okay,
what, what does this really looklike?
Start to start to see, not just, not just, not again, not just
feel it, but process it,evaluate it, um, and and really
(33:28):
really, under, begin to try tounderstand some stuff.
Right, it's a good time.
It's a good time to pick up anew book.
It's a good time to listen to anew podcast.
It's a good time to listen to anew podcast.
It's a good time to, um, youknow, throw on a sermon you
ain't heard in a minute, like,get your, get your mind going.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Start putting some things into your mind so you can
have some understanding andlook at, begin to really
evaluate and look at all right,what am I?
You know what you're feeling?
Yeah, name it.
And then evaluate the thing youjust named.
Right, if you're feelingdisappointed, what made me
disappointed?
Okay, my, my boss, um, my, my,I didn't get the raise.
(34:07):
I want it, which I, and so myplans, my financial plans, have
been thwarted because I didn'tget the raise I wanted to get.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
Okay, you're disappointed, you're upset,
you're, you can't move forwardin your life.
You feel like, because X, y, z,cool, for sure, this is the
issue.
Now you know what it is, youfelt it.
Now let's look at it, let'sevaluate it.
What are my other options?
Yeah, what are the other thingsI could do?
How else can I get this money?
And now you put yourself in aposition to move forward and not
just stay stuck, but, in orderto move, actually pause,
(34:36):
evaluate, look at your, look atit and start to start to iterate
on different ways to move.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Yeah, no for sure I think about.
Uh, when you were talking, Ithought about emotional
intelligence, right, becauseemotional intelligence starts
with self-awareness.
You have to be aware of what isthe emotion, what is the thing
that I'm feeling in this moment?
Right, that that that you haveto be able to name it, right,
(35:04):
right, and that was somethingthat I really had to learn how
to do, jaquita.
You feel a big feeling rightnow.
You have to be able to name itso that once you move from
self-awareness, then you canmove to self-management.
Yes, Right, ok, I know I have.
I have taken a moment withmyself.
I have identified the feelinghow am I going to manage myself
(35:24):
through this, through thismoment?
Right, because we talk abouttime management.
It is not about managing thetime that you're in the
situation, it's about learningto manage yourself.
That's it.
Right, how am I going to managefeeling disappointed?
How am I going to managefeeling angry?
Yeah, how am I going to managefeeling disappointed?
How am I going to managefeeling angry?
How am I going to managefeeling anxious?
How am I going to manage thesebig feelings so that I can get
(35:47):
to the place of purpose.
Emotional intelligence does notjust lead to greater
relationships, it leads togreater purpose, because once
you have self-awareness andself-management, now you have
societal awareness.
Yeah, now you can take a stepback, because it's not just
about me, me and me, right, youcan take a step back and
evaluate the whole picture,right, and figure out okay, now
(36:11):
I have societal awareness.
Then the last stage ofemotional intelligence is
societal impact.
Right, but you cannot get to apoint, a place of impact, if you
have not gotten to a place ofself-management yeah, that's
good.
Speaker 1 (36:25):
That's good.
Thank you, you're welcomewhat's next, okay?
Speaker 2 (36:30):
so I think that it's going to be important that, as
you are going through what weare going to call the process,
yes and uh for all saved people,you've heard that word process
before.
The church loves it.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
They love that, they love that word.
You're in a process.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
You know you're in a process.
You know, I think that it'simportant that you realize that
a process is something you haveto submit to.
Everything that we mentioned toyou today, everything that we
mentioned to you in this moment,it that we mentioned to you
today.
Everything that we mentioned toyou in this moment.
(37:07):
It is something that you aregoing to have to sign up for you
are going to have to say I amwilling to go through the
process that's going to take mefrom good to great.
I am willing for this.
You have to allow the crisis,the moment of conflict, to do
its work in you.
You have to allow that.
You know, I think when we lookat any storyline, when we look
at any uh, any story plot, right, you have the main character,
who, who begins the story at acertain place, and we learn
(37:29):
about their, their story, welearn about who they are, but
they hit a moment of conflict.
A moment, a moment of conflict,is simply a moment of decision.
That's right.
Right, it is a.
Am I going to allow myself togo through the process in order
to become who I need to become,or am I going to allow the
situation to literally overtakeme and keep me stuck where I am?
Speaker 1 (37:52):
You know what.
You know what screenwriterscall that.
What's that?
The dark night of the soul.
So there's a book called Savethe Cat yeah, and it's what
screenwriters use to writemovies and there's 15 beats in
every story.
Yeah right, I bought the bookrecently.
I've looked at the 15 beatsbecause I want to kind of use it
as something we're doing inangel street.
But like, I read through it andthen I watched a couple of
(38:15):
movies and I sat there and I andI looked at each beat and I
tried to find it was really dope.
But yeah, that, like what you'resaying, it's like beat, like I
don't know 13, yeah, somethinglike that okay and it sounds
like that would be the darknight of the soul it's.
It's that.
It's the moment where you makea decision on when am I going to
(38:36):
?
Am I like you said?
Am I going to go through theprocess of the change that
becomes a different me, and and,and you've, you've, you've hit
all these points.
The bad things have happened.
It's gotten worse than youthought it was going to get, and
now you're in this, you're inthis moment, and you get to
decide do I, do I, do I keep my?
Do I go through the rest ofthis process or do I just stop
(38:57):
here and get stuck?
And that's that's the moment,right?
And so I love that.
It's.
It's a part of everybody'sstory.
It's a part of everybody'sstory.
Speaker 2 (39:08):
And that's because you don't get to the next level
without getting to this momentof great decision.
You, you know there.
There are moments.
You know middle adults, y'allknow there are moments.
You sometimes just got to sitwith yourself.
You do.
You just got to sit withyourself and you got to decide
am I going to allow my life tocontinue to stay in this place
(39:28):
where I've gotten comfortable in?
Yeah, because we've now livedlong enough where we got
comfortable, and a lot of timeswe got comfortable in a spot
that wasn't our intended spot.
You got comfortable, and thatcould be for a variety of
reasons.
It could be because of thestructures that you built around
yourself in childhood.
(39:49):
It could be because of thethings that you are trying to
avoid.
Are you trying to avoidrejection?
Are you trying to avoid feelingunsafe or feeling less than
what are you trying to avoid?
Because the thing you're tryingto avoid is the very thing that
you need to surrender, thething that you the thing,
because the thing that you'retrying to avoid is causing you
(40:10):
to hold too tightly to somethingthat God is saying if I don't
loosen your grasp on this thing,I cannot your, your hands are
full of what you're avoiding.
It's full of it.
You are full of avoiding, uh,avoiding big feelings or
avoiding big moments.
You are full of trying to avoidrejection.
(40:31):
You're full of trying to avoid,uh, uh being being put out or
cast out or being ignored orfeeling less than, or feeling
unworthy.
You are, your hands are fullright and you are living a life
where you are juggling whatyou're trying to avoid with what
you're trying to obtain.
(40:51):
And until you put down rightthat thing, until you put down
your, your care and your graspon what you're trying to avoid
and allow yourself to pick upRight, the allow yourself to
surrender to the process.
Surrendering to the processmeans rejection might happen,
(41:13):
but I'm going to go on anyway.
I'm going to do it anyway.
Right, uh, uh, uh.
I might get, uh, I might get ina situation that I feel like
I'm not good enough for yep, butI'm gonna go in anyway.
Yes, exactly, right, you haveto get to the point of I'm gonna
do it anyway and you know, andI, if you haven't, if you're
curious at all, it's notexpensive.
Speaker 1 (41:34):
I'm telling you, save the cat.
This book is so interesting andeven if you don't want to get
the book, you can look it uponline.
What are the 15 beats of everystory?
because you, once you realizethat not only you look at that,
not only are those real stories,those are stories we love yeah,
they're stories we gravitate to, those are stories we like to
learn from, because that, rightthere, everything you just said,
(41:57):
is we, you make a decision.
You have to make a decision tosay I'm either gonna stay here,
I'm gonna keep going.
Look, think about any movie,right?
I mean, think about aladdin,think about lion king, think
about, you know, all thesemovies, moana I don't know that,
we just watched moana 2 in myhouse and so I got that in my
head.
But, like you know, think aboutwatch mufasa.
(42:17):
There you go, mufasa, right.
There's all these moments wherethese were the main has to
decide, and a lot of times itfeels like you are likely going
to lose, but I'm gonna try itanyway.
Yeah, like I'm not gonna stayhere, I'm probably we, you know.
And in mufasa, at the very end,where the pride, you know, the
all the people yeah, you know hehad to bring all these people
(42:38):
together he's like I don't thinkI can do that I'm sorry, yeah,
yeah, spoiler alert, but youknow it's fine, we're not giving
away too much, it's on disneyplus now.
Speaker 2 (42:44):
Yeah, it'd be fine, you'll be good.
It's a great movie.
Once it hits the streamingservices, yeah, it's good, we're
good, okay, good so.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
So he's trying to get all these people together,
these animals together that havenever done anything before.
He's like I don't, who am I,who am I?
He was convinced to do it.
He did it without knowing whatthe outcome was going to be yeah
, against these, you know thesepredators.
And so he decided to go and butthere was a moment where he
could have said I'm not going todo it and because and if he
(43:11):
wouldn't have done it he wouldnever become the king.
But he did it.
But he did it not knowing thatkingship was coming Right.
He did it because I'm justgoing to choose to move forward,
and I think that this idea ofthe process, that's that's
what's, that's what's sopowerful.
Speaker 2 (43:28):
Yeah, and I think you know if you are a young person
watching us today, because Iknow we talk a lot to middle
adults, all right, but maybe oneof our young adults snuck in on
us, all right, I want you toknow, because I've been talking
to them.
You know, because they'relooking at the moment that we're
in right now and they aretrying to determine what role,
what place they're going to havein history in this moment.
(43:50):
They're the mufassas right now.
Yeah, you know, they are the.
They are the.
I'm walking.
I don't yet know that I'm aking, I don't yet know what I
will be right, but I'm walkingin this moment and I'm trying to
figure out how am I going touse my gifts?
How am I going to use, how am Igoing to use just my natural
inclinations to get to my nextspot?
(44:10):
Right, he had a destination inmind.
He didn't know what he wasgoing to become at that
destination.
He just had it.
He just knew he had to getthere, right yeah.
And so I think that is soimportant for y'all, especially
as you are thinking through whatam I going to do with this next
season of my life, to toremember that when you look
(44:31):
through history I know sometimeswe look through history and
history feels old, but thepeople who were history makers
were young that's real when theywere creating history you know
I'm saying they were.
You know the freedom writerswere college, high school and
college students.
You know MLK was like in hislate 20s, early 30s when he
started.
(44:51):
Yeah, you know, like thesepeople, when we look back
sometimes we see adults, butwhen they were in it they were
young.
They were young, and so youknow a lot of what's happening
that you guys want to respond to.
We are it's.
It's your boots on the groundthat we're waiting for, and I
don't want you to miss yourmoment to become a part of
(45:13):
history right and so, so, don'tbe afraid, don't, don't let any
man despise you because of youryouth.
Okay, you allow.
Allow yourself to be great inthe moment that you're in, and
history will look kindly on you.
Speaker 1 (45:28):
That's bringing us to our last point here.
So I think and I think it leans, it leans, it lids itself into
this, because I think, whenyou're in a crisis, it's very
the thing that feels the mostnatural is to focus on your
crisis, oh, absolutely, and tofocus on yourself and the crisis
.
Focus me, focus on.
I need help, I need, you know,and you, and that's true, yeah,
(45:51):
right, and you, you absolutelyshould do that.
But I think that something Ihave, uh, had to unlearn in
moments of crisis is that notjust, it's if you think, if
there's a point where thinkingjust about your crisis or your
situation is no longer helpfulor useful, because you do all
(46:12):
these things that we're sayingis good to do in our experience,
and you know you're, you'veadmitted it, you are submitting
yourself to the process, you aredoing all the things you you're
supposed to do.
You're not pretending you're,you believe you're going to win,
but you're not delusional onthe timing.
All those things, right, well,all right, I'm doing all that.
So what do I do?
(46:33):
And I think one of the thingsthat is really beautiful and
that can really be useful inthat time is to focus on serving
other people.
Now let me be clear not servingother people to ignore your
issue, but serving other peoplein the midst of your crisis, so
that your energy isn't just onyou and it's not just on your
(46:54):
problem and it's not just onyour disappointment.
But now you can use energy to dosomething that is going to
impact something bigger than you, and I think it does something
for perspective and it doessomething for relationship, and
oftentimes you will findcontentment that you didn't know
you could find, because nowyou're not just focused on the
(47:18):
problem, you're focused on asolution for somebody else.
So it reminds you thatsolutions are out there, and so,
if I can focus on a solutionfor what?
If somebody else is puttingenergy and focusing on a
solution for me, right, I'mfocusing on them.
It makes me believe thatsomebody's got to be out there
working on my behalf.
(47:38):
So I'm just going to work onsomebody else's right, and so I
think that that has beensomething, and I think it's
healthy for us to unlearn thatfocusing on yourself during a
crisis at a certain point is nolonger healthy.
Speaker 2 (47:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (47:51):
Focus on somebody else, focus on serving and not
just sulking and what you'redoing.
Speaker 2 (47:57):
Yeah, and I think that what you will find is that
what will get you to your nextlevel is not your ability, it's
your service.
Your next level is not yourability, it's your service, it
is your ability to.
Because, let me tell yousomething, regardless of what
area in in industry, in life, inbusiness, in community, in
church that you have been calledto serve, and regardless of it,
(48:21):
there is a it will, one it willmake you better right, serving
increases your capacity.
Speaker 1 (48:29):
It does.
Speaker 2 (48:30):
You don't.
There are some areas of yourlife that won't be made better
until you are pouring it outsomewhere, One hundred percent,
you trying to keep it toyourself and say you know, you
know, I used to.
You know, when I firstgraduated from divinity school,
I went to good schools.
You know, not that all schoolsaren't good.
Go to college I.
You know I'll go to a tradeschool.
(48:50):
You know, get your education.
Have you got to get it?
You know what I'm saying.
But I went to these, you know,really recognizable, really, you
know, high profile schools.
So when I graduated fromDivinity School I was like hello
, who wants your girl?
Yeah, all right, who trying tohire me?
And everybody was like, firstof all, you got a master of
(49:13):
divinity.
What even is that and how that?
I mean, one of the first jobs Iapplied to was a law office and
it was like ma'am, this, but Ihad worked at a law office
during divinity school and I waslike you know, they gonna see
that, they gonna translate that.
They was like man, we don't wantthis.
You and I was like you know,they're going to see that,
they're going to translate that.
They was like man, we don'twant this, you know.
But I was so focused on what Ithought was my capabilities I
(49:33):
did not yet have enough workexperience to say hey, I am a
person that produces, I am aperson that leads, I am a person
that pours Right.
You have got.
What makes you prove positiveis not what you're capable of
doing, is who you're capable ofinfluencing.
(49:54):
It's where you're able to makeimpact and where you're able to
lead teams, processes, ideas.
You have to be able to show.
I have served.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (50:06):
In some capacity.
Speaker 2 (50:08):
Everybody's not people.
Yeah, you know everybody's notleading teams and leading, but
where in your life have youpoured out?
And I teach my students thatpurpose has to be tied to impact
.
If your purpose only impactsyou, that's not a purpose,
that's an aspiration.
And there's difference, becausepurpose impacts, yeah, purpose.
(50:31):
Pull something forward, whatyou are not designed to come
into earth and serve yourself.
No, you were designed to comein and have an impact that would
be beneficial for community andnot just individually,
absolutely.
Speaker 1 (50:46):
I don't have anything to add to that.
Hey, listen, because you knowthat was good.
Speaker 2 (50:51):
I can always tell when we come to a close because
it's like all right, y'all feelgood I think we're done.
Speaker 1 (50:56):
No, no, I think I think that's, I think that was
good, um, and I hope you'reencouraged, because the reality
is a lot of people are in crisisright now yeah and, and so this
is why we thought it was really, really important to talk about
this, and so I think a lot ofpeople who are listening just by
sheer statistics are probablyin a crisis in some way.
(51:17):
Are you feeling like I'm notable to deal with X, Y, Z?
Speaker 2 (51:22):
For sure.
Speaker 1 (51:22):
And so I hope that this was encouraging to you, and
I hope that you can take thisand maybe, if you have to listen
to it more than one time justto remind yourself what are some
of the things that I need to bedoing right now in order to
come out on the other side ofthis for sure.
Speaker 2 (51:37):
So all right, all right, friends, one more time,
if you made it to the end ofthis podcast.
We so enjoyed hanging out withyou.
Be sure to like, share andsubscribe.
Tell a friend to tell a friendand we look forward to seeing
you on the next one.
Speaker 1 (51:53):
So let's keep unlearning together so that we
can experience more freedom.
Thank you once again forlistening to the Unlearned
podcast.
We would love to hear yourcomments and your feedback about
the episode.
Feel free to follow us onFacebook and Instagram and to
(52:15):
let us know what you think.
We're looking forward to thenext time when we are able to
unlearn together to move forwardtowards freedom.
See you then.
hello everybody and welcome once again to the
unlearned podcast.
I'm your host, ruth abigail akara what's up, friends?
It's your girl, jaquita andthis is the podcast that is
helping you gain the courage tochange your mind so that you yes
, you can experience morefreedom all right now all right,
hello, listen, we are out hererocking and rolling.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Yeah, we are in these podcast streets.
Okay Me and Ruth have had agreat week really just enjoying
all of the things, enjoying thestudio.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
This has been great.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Listen we out here.
This is just so has been somuch fun to be able to give a
different experience, you know,and, and and to look beep into
my best friend's eyes and andrealize we, we are one, we are
connected.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
We are unified.
We are unified, we're in thistogether.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
We are Wait before I even forget cause.
She said together and I thoughtabout you and I thought about
how you need to join thiscommunity.
Okay, Become part of themovement.
Okay, Like this podcast, shareit, subscribe, become part of
this family.
Ok, because we are unlearningtogether.
Ok so like, share and subscribe.
(01:13):
Want to remind you all hit thenotification bell Right so that
you can receive notifications ofwhen we drop in that next
episode.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
OK, so you can be a part of this thing.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
So Queda what are we talking about today?
Listen, all right.
If you joined us for the lastsegment, okay, we discussed
about what to do to prepare forthe storm.
If you have not watched thatepisode yet, make sure you go
hit that you want to go do thatBecause we gave you an emergency
toolkit, okay, with all of thethings that you need to be in
(01:47):
place before the storm.
Okay.
So today we're going to movefrom the before to the during.
Okay, we need to talk aboutwhat do I do if I am now in a
place where I am in a crisismoment, where something has
shifted, something has pivoted,something has knocked me.
You know what I heard somebodysay one time with the old folks
say you know, my cheese issliding off my cracker.
All right, your cheese.
(02:08):
The first time I heard that Iwas like huh if you cheat right
off that crib my baby.
Oh wait, a little uneasy.
Wow On the edge.
(02:29):
You know we really want to talkabout that today.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
I really don't know where to go from there, that is.
I've never heard that before.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
You've never heard that before.
Maybe it's a Greenville upstatething, because I've definitely
heard that my cheese is startingto slide off my cracker right.
So, listen, but if you're inthat moment and you know that
you are in the, you know,because before we talked about
what to do, how to anticipatethe shift or the storm coming
(03:00):
right, now we want to discussyeah, what do you do once you're
in the moment right, and youfeel things shifting and
changing and you're in themiddle of it, all right.
So, ruth Abigail, what's one ofyour first points?
What do we need to do?
Speaker 1 (03:13):
So one of the things that we have to, I would say,
one of the things we have tounlearn when we're in this
moment is to not pretend aboutwhere you really are.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
My Lord Right.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
We got to unlearn that pretending is the way to go
.
We you can't uh sanitize yoursituation my lord okay, and so
you want to recognize, you wantto admit where you are, like it
is okay, you have to be realabout it.
You, you don't want to try tocolor it up, and, especially for
those of us who are people offaith, we like to use this Jesus
(03:47):
language to color stuff up.
Right, you know everything'sgoing to be all right, the Lord.
You know the Lord is my, youknow I can do all things.
Right, all of that is true andit's OK to admit it's tough
right now and I need to say thatout loud, without trying to
(04:10):
quickly, trying to say but, butGod, but God, but God.
I mean, I mean like it's OK,because I think that God there's
plenty of moments in Scriptureyou can point to where God is
with people in storms yeah, andhe doesn't.
He doesn doesn't, he doesn'ttry, he doesn't.
He's not expecting you topretend like there isn't a storm
there.
Yeah, right, but there is one.
(04:31):
So I think the first thing isstop pretending.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Be real about where you are.
God is not.
God is not thrown off by yourstorm.
You know I okay.
I have two examples and one.
I have to give this becauseit's in my head.
For those of you who saw, whydid I get married?
And it was when Janet Jackson'scharacter, Patty, right and I
think her name was Patricia, butshe went by Patty sometimes and
she was like perfect Patty.
(04:56):
well, guess what?
Perfect Patty messed up, right,but she had been living so long
pretending like she wasn't in astorm.
Yes, you know, she waspretending like she didn't feel
all the things about her sonpassing away and pretending that
her husband wasn't grieving.
And pretending she had carriedthat pretend life so long that,
(05:18):
when she finally got to herbreaking point, y'all saw she
had that little tendril.
We were reminded that sheMichael Jackson's sister, so she
had that little tendril hangingin front of her face, you know.
And so I think that it's soimportant that you are
acknowledging like that thismoment that I am is bigger than
what I can handle right now.
(05:39):
That's right.
And you have to also remindyourself.
I remember and I've said thisin a previous episode that I
knew I was in a big shift in mylife and it wasn't necessarily a
crisis moment, but it was amoment that was bigger than me.
And I remember I was standingand I was getting some work done
on my house to prepare for thebig moment.
(06:00):
And I remember I was in theLowe's because I was buying like
deck wood and all this stuff.
I was in the mall in the lowsand I told the Lord.
I said, lord, I'm nervous.
And the Lord said those areyour feelings, they're not mine.
And basically what he wassaying was you're nervous about
this moment, but I've alreadyseen you through it, yeah, you
know.
And so I had to admit to myselfyeah, that like, hey, this,
(06:24):
this is kind of knocking me offmy cracker a little bit.
Right, this is knocking me off.
This moment is huge and I'm notquite sure what all to do with
it yet.
But I also had to remind myselfin that moment when I
recognized where I was and washonest about where I was.
(06:45):
That's when you can receiveassurance.
You can't be assured of nothing, of something you won't admit,
that you won't admit Exactly.
Yeah, people trying to comfortyou and you're like I ain't got
nothing.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
I'm good, I'm good Baby, yes, you do, yes, you do.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
Be up front and be real about it.
Be real about it.
Be real about it.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Yeah, okay.
So what else?
Up front and be real about it,be real about it.
Be real about it.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Yeah, okay.
So what else?
Okay, listen, all right.
And I think this is importantbecause, as millennials, I think
we've seen a lot.
You know, middle adults, listen, the people, millennials, we
have seen it all at this point.
You know we had the youngmillennials out here doing the
cinnamon challenge.
Y, the cinnamon challenge.
(07:30):
Y'all remember that.
Y'all was out here.
Y'all was out here eatingcinnamon.
Remember that, burning yourtongues up and such right.
We had a water bucket challenge.
Yeah, one chip.
You know, I just feel likewe've we've seen so many
extremes.
We've also seen so manyextremes in society.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
You know we've been through um depressions,
recessions whatever you want tocall it, we haven't been through
depressions.
We have been through a couplerecessions.
Whatever you want to call it,we haven't been through
depressions.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
We have been through a couple of recessions.
Y'all tell me, okay, y'all tellme, okay, y'all tell me.
But yeah, you know, we've been.
We've seen our country, ourworld, go through so many
different changes that a lot oftimes, our advice to each other
is okay, this is how you get outof this moment.
All right, you just got an X, yand Z and then push through it
and you're going to be all right.
(08:07):
And we, we encourage andencourage and push and push,
when really, what I love aboutthe younger generation, like the
generations up under us, isthat they take their moments,
yeah, right, and they realizesometimes too much.
So it's going to take time.
Yeah, it is going to take time.
Your process is is not, uh,it's not going to be immediate,
(08:29):
because what's being worked outis not the situation.
What's being worked out iswhat's inside of you that is
necessary to endure the nextseason.
Correct, the crisis is not aboutthe moment.
The crisis is about the mission.
Yeah, and when we make it aboutthe moment and not about what
inside of us needs to beperfected in order to get to the
(08:51):
next stage, we will try to rushthrough it.
Yeah, and I'm just going to behonest.
You know there have been acouple of times in my life when
I knew it was time for a new job.
Right, I'm not a person, and Idon't think most millennials are
like we changed the game for myparents because I ain't
standing on this job for 50years you know my granddaddy
retired from s-c-e-n-g, if youknow.
(09:11):
You know my metro people, right,he retired from s-c-e-n-g and
he gave them people like 40, 45years.
Wow, you know they got thewatch.
You know they got the plaqueswith their names on it.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
We're not aiming for that, no more.
Good, you know, we can make ourown plaques with their names on
it.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
We're not aiming for that no more.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
No, I'm good, we can make our own plaques on camera.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
What you talking about?
What you talking about.
I'll make my own certificate.
There you go.
Good job, jaquita.
Yes, sir, you are appreciated,but what you're doing in your
life is going to take a moment.
It's going to take a processfor you to be able to get from
(09:47):
the point that you're at to thepoint that you're getting to,
and there you don't knoweverything you need to know yet
you haven't met all the peopleyou need to meet, yet you have.
You don't have all the skillsyou need to have yet you don't
have all the resources that youneed.
Yet it is gone.
We are not going to be able tomicrowave ourselves through a
crisis.
That's good, now, that's reallygood.
You're gonna have to let itcook, yeah, right, and you're
(10:08):
gonna have to if you want, ifyou want the best result from it
, sorry, if you want the bestresult from it, right?
Yeah, microwave food is nevergoing to be as good as food that
is prepared, food that isprepped and prepared and cooked
and served.
Yes, that's what's happening inyour life, right?
Speaker 1 (10:26):
now, yeah, and I think that one thing that's hard
to unlearn about time is thatit's out of our control.
Time is not something youcontrol.
You don't have that and youcan't dictate how long
something's going to be, and sothat's why it's so important,
(10:46):
like we were saying at the lastepisode, that, to be prepared
with some things, because you'reyou might have to go the long
haul with this.
You may it may not be on youron the timetable.
You, you would prefer.
Yeah right um, we, we have ourown timetables.
We know it's like, hey, okay,this is going on, and then you
(11:08):
know, and at this time, I expectthis to be over, right, and or
I believe, and we, again, we, weput I think we use faith in a
irresponsible way A lot of times, right, right, Like, I believe
this, therefore, and that's notalways the case, and so I think
I think we just have to behonest about that and know and
(11:29):
trust that God's timing is thebest timing, even when it's and
particularly when it's not yourtiming.
You just don't know because,like you said, you don't know
what the future brings.
You don't know how long you'regoing to need to marinate in
certain things, and so we needto be aware that time is not in
our control, and so, even in themiddle of a crisis, when you
(11:51):
are I'm struggling, it is and itis difficult, but it's but also
know that it's not going tomake it better.
By rushing your, rushing theprocess, you won't't make it
better.
So you just have to lean in andlean into the best of your
ability, understanding that timecontinues to move.
It continues to progress.
(12:12):
Um, one of the things that Ilike remembering about time it
helps me is that, no matter whattoday won't won't, you won't
ever experience today again,never.
And so a lot of times on yourworst days, that's helpful to
know.
I won't ever be here again.
I don't know where I'll betomorrow, but I know this ain't
(12:33):
going to happen again becausetomorrow's always different.
That's good, right, and so, evenif it means you're different,
like you said so I think thatthere's that's that time thing
is so important.
You don't control it.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
You know, and I think , just one more point about time
is that what, what giving ittime allows it to do, it allows
you to reset and reframe whatyou're hoping for and what your
vision is, so that what you,what you envision for your life,
matches what God has alreadyplanned for your life.
(13:03):
At least, that's what it's beenfor me, and that's not
something I did willingly, whichis sometimes the point of the
crisis.
That was something that I hadto come into the realization of
is that a lot of times, ourcrisis moment is to shift and
turn us to go a different way.
Correct, you get what I'm sayingand so I think, a lot of times
(13:25):
when we're in that moment, youspend so much time I'm about to
talk about a dream I had.
You spend so much time tryingto go the way that you had
planned to go and you'refighting, you're kicking against
the prick for my Bible readers,right?
You're trying, you're stilltrying to live the life that you
had before, when the Lord issimply trying to turn you and
(13:46):
say but actually, what I had foryou is greater than that.
But you have to be able tohouse the vision, and so your
crisis moment again feels like.
It feels like a moment ofconflict.
It feels like it's deflatingsomething in you, but that's
that's most of the time, becausethere's something better that
(14:06):
God is trying to get you to, andyou have to allow him to show
you the areas that he's tryingto grow your capacity in.
And that's what takes time.
It takes time to change yourmind.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Man.
It takes sometimes years tochange your mind.
Like that's real Cause we'restubborn and we like the things
we like when we like them andthe way we like them and we're
used to certain things and we'vegot comfortable in certain ways
.
So, yes, it takes time, and Ilove that you said that, because
changing your mind is the isthe game changer.
That's what then?
That's when things begin tochange.
(14:39):
Yeah, right, um, so the nextthing, uh, uh, that that is
important.
Um, I think we think, when,when there's a crisis and it's
we have been we kind of beensaying about, you know,
recognizing, being honest aboutwhere you are and giving
yourself time.
There is an element, though, ofof healthy faith.
(15:01):
Right, you got to continue tohonestly believe that you will
win in the end.
You just don't necessarilydictate that end, yeah right,
but I I believe that this willbe better.
I just can't say win all thetime yeah and I think, um,
that's that is an importantthing to to unlearn.
You can be confident in yourvictory at the end and also
(15:25):
admit I don't know when that'sgoing to be those truths can
happen at the same time, and sothere's a book called Good to
Great by Jim Collins.
I do have it, do you?
Speaker 2 (15:38):
You told me to get it .
I did.
Did you read it Some of it?
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Okay, listen, right now I'm only halfway, but I did
get through this chapter.
Um, it's a book.
It's a book about companies,yeah right, but this is a
particular principle that Ithink um is.
It can easily be applied topersonal.
He calls it the stockholm, thestockholm syndrome.
(16:04):
Is it syndrome principleprinciple yeah, yeah, yeah stock
, oh, stockdale.
No, I'm wrong, it's stockdale,my fault.
Stockholm principle is a thingthat is not what I'm talking
about.
Okay, stockdale principle yesokay.
And so um Stockdale, he was, uh,in the army, he was a prisoner
of war.
(16:24):
He was in a camp for eightyears and when he got out, so
Jim Collins, the author, heinterviewed him and one of the
things that he said was who werethe ones that didn't make it
out?
And his answer was Stockdale'sanswer was the optimists.
(16:47):
He said the optimists didn'tmake it out.
And that really surprised JimCollins.
He said that's interesting.
Why wouldn't an optimist makeit out?
He said because they werealways the collins, as he was.
He said that's interesting.
Why wouldn't an optimist makeit out?
he said because they were alwaysthe ones that said we're going
to be out by christmas wow andwe never were oh so now your
hope it just keeps gettingshattered and shattered and
(17:07):
shattered because you keeptelling yourself something you
can't guarantee all right.
And so he said I, the reason hecredits the reason is because I
believed I would be out, but Iwas honest that I don't know
when.
Yeah, but, I, kept believingthat I'm gonna be out, but
that's gonna be.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
So you know I'm saying, but the ones, who, who,
who, like.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
We're gonna be out for Christmas, y'all, it's gonna
be okay.
We're gonna be out by NewYear's, it's gonna be okay.
We're gonna be out by Easter,it's gonna be okay, and it
wasn't okay and they crumbledbut so many times you know.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
This reminds me of right how, every year, when you
know, before you were married,you know every year, every year,
ruth Abigail would tell us 2019guys, this is our year right,
and then we would get to the endof it and we'd be like
disappointing again.
I ain't gonna lie Right,disappointing and and I think
(17:59):
what that causes you to do one,when you are focused more on
more on the um deliverance outof a thing versus the
deliverance out of a mindset.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Yes, I think you have to set your mind on.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
The goal is not to get to the next place.
The goal is to be whole, 100%Right.
And I think that a lot of timeswe are pouring from cups that
have holes in it.
But because you're pouring, youthink you're okay, yeah, right.
And because God has allowed youto see the evidence of your
poor, you believe that.
(18:36):
Oh, the evidence, theproduction of my work makes me
okay.
But God is looking and sayingthere's some things that if I
can get them to a moment tothemselves, I can really begin
to work on Right, and I know.
For me, what's funny is is thatthat Stockdale paradox was
actually one of the things thatI had to, I had to, I had to
work on because, I'm an optimist.
(18:57):
Y'all know that.
All right, I believe.
All right I got the faith thata thing is going to work out in
the way that I envisioned it.
There you go, right.
And I tell people like you know,to be an optimist sometimes is
to uh, is to live a life ofdisappointment.
Yeah, I see that, I say I.
But if you continue down thatpath, you begin to expect
(19:27):
disappointment instead ofexpecting change.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
And so, instead of embracingchange, you start embracing
disappointment, and that changesthe way that you approach life.
Yeah, when I expect, when Ihave hope, but I'm like this may
not work out, so I'm just goingto prepare for things to not
work out Right, instead ofpreparing for what if it
actually does work, exactlyRight, like what if in the
(19:48):
crisis, in the moment of crisis,because that's what happens a
lot of times, especially asmiddle adults friends Hello, my
30s and 40s, ok, especially us Alot of times, what gets us
stuck in a moment is when youfeel like you've gotten to a
point where things don't workanymore.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Right.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Right, things like what you did before is not
sustaining you anymore.
Right, what you did beforedoesn't work in the season that
you shifted into or in themoment that you're trying to get
into.
Some of us, some of the crisis,is happening at the end of a
thing and some of our crises arehappening at the beginning of a
(20:26):
thing.
Yeah Right.
And you're trying to apply oldprinciples to a new situation,
yeah Right.
And so I think that one thingthat we can be really aware of
is that when we are in thosemoments, you have to surrender
not just to the process.
You have to surrender to beingmade new, and that's a.
You know, I tell people.
(20:46):
I used to think that this wholebeing made new thing I thought
it was going to be a one-timething, you know.
Know, like I thought, hey, youknow I'm old and I'm new.
It's kind of like when you getsaved, you're like I'm saved now
.
You know, I wish you were stilltalking about sin.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
For why y'all still talking about that?
I moved?
Speaker 2 (21:06):
out my old house and moved to my new house.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
You know like yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
I got a whole new way of life but, baby, that old man
is still fighting you, and soyou know.
But again, the Stockdaleprinciple.
That was something that I hadto unlearn yes.
I had to unlearn this idea ofof putting, of putting my vision
on things yeah, and asking Godto do what I envisioned yeah
(21:31):
right.
But when you have a winningmindset, you say I don't know
how, I don't sorry, I was goingto sing.
But then Ruth Abigail islooking at me and y'all know how
she do Listen.
I was, I was going to let you,but anyways, the song goes.
I don't know how, I don't knowwhen.
Okay, victory.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
I will say that I and we talk about this all the time
I have an opposite issue inthat I struggle to say that I'm
going to win if I don't see it.
So I lean in the oppositedirection.
Right, I'm not a pessimist, butI would say that I'm just more
of a realist, I guess, but arealist leaning towards
(22:15):
pessimism in her worst days,right, and so I don't.
I really I it's like OK, andI've had to learn.
I mean, I really have had tolearn how to speak things that
are going to be without meknowing how it's going to be.
Yeah, because that's my thingis like, if I can see it, yeah,
(22:36):
I'm good.
I said it all day.
Right, we just finished apretty big project at angel
street.
I knew it was gonna happenbecause I could see the path.
Yeah, I wasn't.
I was like we got this.
Other people didn't believe it.
I believe it, we got it right.
But when I don't see it, it'shard for me to say that we're
gonna win, that I'm gonna win,and so I think that both of
those we you know, we have tounlearn that because it is a
(22:57):
marriage of both and I thinkthat's what this paradox um is
really teaching is you.
You have to do both.
You have to believe witheverything in you that you're
going to win and admit that thesituation does not look like it
right now my lord right, that'sgood, that's, that's.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
That's where that is so yeah, love it.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
So um, what's next, guido?
What's the next thing?
Speaker 2 (23:22):
listen, okay, I want to talk to my friends.
Okay, because I've been whereyou are.
Okay, and you go, you get tothese tough moments and the
first thing you start doing isidentifying everyone who put you
there right, everyone who madeyou feel like a victim.
You know, I understand, yeah,you know, and we get stuck in
(23:44):
these victim mindsets because webegin thinking about, well, if
they hadn't done this and ifthey hadn't done that, and if
such and such and such and suchhadn't did this, this and that,
then I wouldn't be where I am.
And you can get stuck being sohyper focused on what other
people have or have not donethat you miss the moment that
(24:05):
God is trying to carry you to.
Yes, and I promise you we'renot going to.
We can't name no name, sure,but I and in recent situations
that I've been, I mean myfriends can tell you.
Ruth Abigail can tell you likeI was hyper fixated on this
person or on these people, likethey are doing this, this and
this to me and it is affectingthe way that I interact and
(24:28):
engage with this moment that I'min Right, right, and when you
get stuck in that victim mindsetthat takes away everything that
you're trying to build out ofthis, out of this moment of
conflict or out of this crisismoment, right, because you
become fixated on on whatthey're, on, on being preyed
(24:49):
upon.
Instead of I'm sorry, I wasgoing to try to do a pray, a
pray and pray.
Yeah, I was like mine, get itget it, make this parallel, make
this connection Right, but you,you get fixated on what they're
doing to you instead of whatGod is doing in you, right?
And so that victim mindset, itis not just about you feeling
(25:10):
like you can't win, it is aboutyou feeling like someone has
done something yeah and maybethey that's real.
Yeah, I'm not trying to takethat away.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
That's good, you know yeah maybe people have done
things that have been reallydetrimental and hurtful for you
absolutely, but you will not getout of your crisis moment if if
you're only fixated on whatthey need to change and you're,
you're not going to, it's notgoing to while you're in your
crisis moment, you can't, you're, it's, it's just gonna keep put
(25:40):
putting putting you down rightand pushing you down and keeping
you down and like that is just,you don't want that right, like
I think I.
I love what you said as far assometimes it's a person,
sometimes it's people, societypeople will put it on society,
people will put it on theeconomy.
This is really interesting.
You know, michelle Obama has apodcast right in my opinion
(26:02):
which I've been enjoying, andthey did a live show where they
had somebody come up and ask aquestion and it was a young man,
he was 28.
And he had this whole preparedquestion but part of it was him
saying you know how I'mparaphrasing okay, but like how
do how do we, talking about ourgeneration, kind of move forward
(26:27):
in a way when the world that wewere promised is not, uh, it's
not, is not on the horizon,right, and talking about the
economy and not being able tobuy a house and things like this
?
And you can tell that he wasvery distraught by that and he
was.
It was a genuine question, um,and I think at the time they
(26:47):
were.
They were also interviewing apsychologist who taught a class
on mental health, right.
So, anyway, college course.
When I heard that, it was reallyinteresting because I'm sitting
here and he's not this, youknow, a lot of people in in, in
our generation and maybe alittle younger, feel like I've
(27:08):
been gypped by society.
Right, talk about it.
Yeah, my thing is two things.
I think you have to askyourself who promised you
anything just because you arehere.
Yeah, I mean, let's just bereal about it, like that's a
mindset we gotta kill, rightyeah you aren't promised.
(27:29):
Just because you're here doesn'tmean you get something.
Yeah, right it that.
That is.
That is the entitlement culturewe gotta unlearn.
And also, though, I think thatthis feeling like I am, I can't
do, I can't do anything untilsomething changes out there.
Yeah, right again, that issomething we have to unlearn.
(27:50):
You can like, yeah, you likebeing, being, you know this.
This young man was 28, but youknow 30, 32, 40, whatever,
whatever age you're at, it'slike, yeah, maybe, maybe you're
not getting the same economyyour parents got Right.
We're not getting that, and Ithink, first of all, that's just
true.
We got to live in that truth.
(28:12):
We're not getting that but doesthat mean that we can't still
go after things?
We want that we can't still goafter things we want.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
Listen, listen, can I hop in?
I think being staying in avictim mindset will.
It will kill your creativity,because you become hyper-focused
on being rescued.
You know I'm, you know I'm avictim and you're waiting on
your hero.
You're waiting on your boat tocome that will come and take you
(28:41):
out of this situation, and youbecome hyper-focused on I can't
wait till I get out of this.
I can't wait till I get out ofthis and you, you are looking
for something external to changeyour circumstances instead of
you learning how to thrive inthe midst of the crisis, because
that is what builds thenecessary ingredients in you in
order to really become the nextthing that you're becoming.
(29:03):
That's it Right, that's thecooking.
Yeah, the cooking is thecreativity that you gain from
being in difficult circumstances.
Yeah, but when you areconstantly like this is wrong,
this is wrong, why did they dothis, why did they do this?
And that's kind of likesomething that our generation is
stuck on right now.
When you look on uh, instagram,facebook, all of the places
(29:24):
we're all talking about, youknow how you know other
generations were able to do this.
They got this, remember when gaswas a dollar, but no, remember
when gas was a dollar.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
Wow, okay, because I actually do remember.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
When I remember, I remember when the three prices
for gas was like 99 cent a99, $1, and $1.01.
And my mama was like we'regetting that $0.99 gas, you know
, because that penny made adifference.
Now they're like $0.50, $0.75 apart and you're like Lord, yeah
, right.
But you know, when we stayfixated on what we don't have,
(29:57):
you miss your opportunity tohave more.
Guess what you can get a housein this economy.
Yes you can Guess what, you canthrive in this economy, that's
right.
Guess what you can make moves.
You can be successful, you canmove to your next level of
living, but not if you staystuck believing that you are a
(30:17):
victim.
Come on, the victim will neverget themselves out of a
situation.
Yeah, you have to move frombeing a victim to a victor.
Yeah, and you only do that bysitting down, taking a moment,
assessing what do I have in me,what is available, what is at my
disposal to help me win.
And I'm going to tell y'allright now the path towards your
(30:41):
next level in life, towards yourelevation, is not traditional.
It's not going to be the wayyour parents did it.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
It's not going to be the way that you've seen it done
before.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
You are going to have to allow God to carry you
through a creative process toget to where he's taking you.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
You absolutely do.
I love that.
You said that it's nottraditional and you're not going
to, it's not going to be theway you've seen it before.
And so to your point, thatcreativity piece is so crucial,
right, like you need and we aresome of the most creative, we
have a high degree of creativityin our and and and
entrepreneurship and innovation,like that's what we do.
(31:19):
And so don't just innovate forbusiness, innovate for your life
, innovate you know what I'msaying?
Innovate for your personal life, innovate for what you do, and
I think innovation looksdifferent for different people.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Right, like you know, like you might not be the
person that comes up withbusiness ideas.
Right, but you can.
You might be the person thatmakes processes better.
Yeah, you know you might be theperson that makes processes
better.
You know you might be theperson that can get in.
You're great at assistingpeople.
You might be the person that'sreally good at making things
look great and making thingsbetter.
Figure out what your thing isand maximize it.
(31:50):
Yeah, right, and stop gettingstuck on what you wish you had
or what you wish was different,and allow yourself to say, okay,
I'm in a difficult moment, butI don't have to stay here
because the people even if, evenif, even if because I know some
of y'all y'all got the bosses,you got the family members, you
got the people who you feel likeput you in a little difficult
(32:13):
spot.
I understand, even if somebodyelse put me in the spot, I don't
have to stay.
Even if somebody else put me inthe spot.
I don't have to stay here.
I don't have to stay here, andthem changing is not what's
going to deliver me out of mycircumstance, 100%.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
That's it, because, first of all, that's not your
decision for them to change.
It's not your decision and areyou trying to wait on them to
change?
I'm not trying to wait on themto change Like you, just you
opting into a situation youdon't have to be in for long.
(32:46):
But if you just keep waiting onother people to change or on
society to change or on theeconomy to change, then you are
just opting into being where youare longer and and that's and.
So, because you have no ideawhen that's going to happen, you
don't have, you don't havecontrol over that.
I think that moves us to this,you know, to this next point of
like yes, yes, feel, yes, dothat yes, be, be in that for a
time, but, like you said, don'tbe stuck after you have felt and
(33:07):
have resolved.
This is where I am.
This is the real realityevaluate, evaluate what, okay,
what, what does this really looklike?
Start to start to see, not just, not just, not again, not just
feel it, but process it,evaluate it, um, and and really
(33:28):
really, under, begin to try tounderstand some stuff.
Right, it's a good time.
It's a good time to pick up anew book.
It's a good time to listen to anew podcast.
It's a good time to listen to anew podcast.
It's a good time to, um, youknow, throw on a sermon you
ain't heard in a minute, like,get your, get your mind going.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Start putting some things into your mind so you can
have some understanding andlook at, begin to really
evaluate and look at all right,what am I?
You know what you're feeling?
Yeah, name it.
And then evaluate the thing youjust named.
Right, if you're feelingdisappointed, what made me
disappointed?
Okay, my, my boss, um, my, my,I didn't get the raise.
(34:07):
I want it, which I, and so myplans, my financial plans, have
been thwarted because I didn'tget the raise I wanted to get.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
Okay, you're disappointed, you're upset,
you're, you can't move forwardin your life.
You feel like, because X, y, z,cool, for sure, this is the
issue.
Now you know what it is, youfelt it.
Now let's look at it, let'sevaluate it.
What are my other options?
Yeah, what are the other thingsI could do?
How else can I get this money?
And now you put yourself in aposition to move forward and not
just stay stuck, but, in orderto move, actually pause,
(34:36):
evaluate, look at your, look atit and start to start to iterate
on different ways to move.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Yeah, no for sure I think about.
Uh, when you were talking, Ithought about emotional
intelligence, right, becauseemotional intelligence starts
with self-awareness.
You have to be aware of what isthe emotion, what is the thing
that I'm feeling in this moment?
Right, that that that you haveto be able to name it, right,
(35:04):
right, and that was somethingthat I really had to learn how
to do, jaquita.
You feel a big feeling rightnow.
You have to be able to name itso that once you move from
self-awareness, then you canmove to self-management.
Yes, Right, ok, I know I have.
I have taken a moment withmyself.
I have identified the feelinghow am I going to manage myself
(35:24):
through this, through thismoment?
Right, because we talk abouttime management.
It is not about managing thetime that you're in the
situation, it's about learningto manage yourself.
That's it.
Right, how am I going to managefeeling disappointed?
How am I going to managefeeling angry?
Yeah, how am I going to managefeeling disappointed?
How am I going to managefeeling angry?
How am I going to managefeeling anxious?
How am I going to manage thesebig feelings so that I can get
(35:47):
to the place of purpose.
Emotional intelligence does notjust lead to greater
relationships, it leads togreater purpose, because once
you have self-awareness andself-management, now you have
societal awareness.
Yeah, now you can take a stepback, because it's not just
about me, me and me, right, youcan take a step back and
evaluate the whole picture,right, and figure out okay, now
(36:11):
I have societal awareness.
Then the last stage ofemotional intelligence is
societal impact.
Right, but you cannot get to apoint, a place of impact, if you
have not gotten to a place ofself-management yeah, that's
good.
Speaker 1 (36:25):
That's good.
Thank you, you're welcomewhat's next, okay?
Speaker 2 (36:30):
so I think that it's going to be important that, as
you are going through what weare going to call the process,
yes and uh for all saved people,you've heard that word process
before.
The church loves it.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
They love that, they love that word.
You're in a process.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
You know you're in a process.
You know, I think that it'simportant that you realize that
a process is something you haveto submit to.
Everything that we mentioned toyou today, everything that we
mentioned to you in this moment,it that we mentioned to you
today.
Everything that we mentioned toyou in this moment.
(37:07):
It is something that you aregoing to have to sign up for you
are going to have to say I amwilling to go through the
process that's going to take mefrom good to great.
I am willing for this.
You have to allow the crisis,the moment of conflict, to do
its work in you.
You have to allow that.
You know, I think when we lookat any storyline, when we look
at any uh, any story plot, right, you have the main character,
who, who begins the story at acertain place, and we learn
(37:29):
about their, their story, welearn about who they are, but
they hit a moment of conflict.
A moment, a moment of conflict,is simply a moment of decision.
That's right.
Right, it is a.
Am I going to allow myself togo through the process in order
to become who I need to become,or am I going to allow the
situation to literally overtakeme and keep me stuck where I am?
Speaker 1 (37:52):
You know what.
You know what screenwriterscall that.
What's that?
The dark night of the soul.
So there's a book called Savethe Cat yeah, and it's what
screenwriters use to writemovies and there's 15 beats in
every story.
Yeah right, I bought the bookrecently.
I've looked at the 15 beatsbecause I want to kind of use it
as something we're doing inangel street.
But like, I read through it andthen I watched a couple of
(38:15):
movies and I sat there and I andI looked at each beat and I
tried to find it was really dope.
But yeah, that, like what you'resaying, it's like beat, like I
don't know 13, yeah, somethinglike that okay and it sounds
like that would be the darknight of the soul it's.
It's that.
It's the moment where you makea decision on when am I going to
(38:36):
?
Am I like you said?
Am I going to go through theprocess of the change that
becomes a different me, and and,and you've, you've, you've hit
all these points.
The bad things have happened.
It's gotten worse than youthought it was going to get, and
now you're in this, you're inthis moment, and you get to
decide do I, do I, do I keep my?
Do I go through the rest ofthis process or do I just stop
(38:57):
here and get stuck?
And that's that's the moment,right?
And so I love that.
It's.
It's a part of everybody'sstory.
It's a part of everybody'sstory.
Speaker 2 (39:08):
And that's because you don't get to the next level
without getting to this momentof great decision.
You, you know there.
There are moments.
You know middle adults, y'allknow there are moments.
You sometimes just got to sitwith yourself.
You do.
You just got to sit withyourself and you got to decide
am I going to allow my life tocontinue to stay in this place
(39:28):
where I've gotten comfortable in?
Yeah, because we've now livedlong enough where we got
comfortable, and a lot of timeswe got comfortable in a spot
that wasn't our intended spot.
You got comfortable, and thatcould be for a variety of
reasons.
It could be because of thestructures that you built around
yourself in childhood.
(39:49):
It could be because of thethings that you are trying to
avoid.
Are you trying to avoidrejection?
Are you trying to avoid feelingunsafe or feeling less than
what are you trying to avoid?
Because the thing you're tryingto avoid is the very thing that
you need to surrender, thething that you the thing,
because the thing that you'retrying to avoid is causing you
(40:10):
to hold too tightly to somethingthat God is saying if I don't
loosen your grasp on this thing,I cannot your, your hands are
full of what you're avoiding.
It's full of it.
You are full of avoiding, uh,avoiding big feelings or
avoiding big moments.
You are full of trying to avoidrejection.
(40:31):
You're full of trying to avoid,uh, uh being being put out or
cast out or being ignored orfeeling less than, or feeling
unworthy.
You are, your hands are fullright and you are living a life
where you are juggling whatyou're trying to avoid with what
you're trying to obtain.
(40:51):
And until you put down rightthat thing, until you put down
your, your care and your graspon what you're trying to avoid
and allow yourself to pick upRight, the allow yourself to
surrender to the process.
Surrendering to the processmeans rejection might happen,
(41:13):
but I'm going to go on anyway.
I'm going to do it anyway.
Right, uh, uh, uh.
I might get, uh, I might get ina situation that I feel like
I'm not good enough for yep, butI'm gonna go in anyway.
Yes, exactly, right, you haveto get to the point of I'm gonna
do it anyway and you know, andI, if you haven't, if you're
curious at all, it's notexpensive.
Speaker 1 (41:34):
I'm telling you, save the cat.
This book is so interesting andeven if you don't want to get
the book, you can look it uponline.
What are the 15 beats of everystory?
because you, once you realizethat not only you look at that,
not only are those real stories,those are stories we love yeah,
they're stories we gravitate to, those are stories we like to
learn from, because that, rightthere, everything you just said,
(41:57):
is we, you make a decision.
You have to make a decision tosay I'm either gonna stay here,
I'm gonna keep going.
Look, think about any movie,right?
I mean, think about aladdin,think about lion king, think
about, you know, all thesemovies, moana I don't know that,
we just watched moana 2 in myhouse and so I got that in my
head.
But, like you know, think aboutwatch mufasa.
(42:17):
There you go, mufasa, right.
There's all these moments wherethese were the main has to
decide, and a lot of times itfeels like you are likely going
to lose, but I'm gonna try itanyway.
Yeah, like I'm not gonna stayhere, I'm probably we, you know.
And in mufasa, at the very end,where the pride, you know, the
all the people yeah, you know hehad to bring all these people
(42:38):
together he's like I don't thinkI can do that I'm sorry, yeah,
yeah, spoiler alert, but youknow it's fine, we're not giving
away too much, it's on disneyplus now.
Speaker 2 (42:44):
Yeah, it'd be fine, you'll be good.
It's a great movie.
Once it hits the streamingservices, yeah, it's good, we're
good, okay, good so.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
So he's trying to get all these people together,
these animals together that havenever done anything before.
He's like I don't, who am I,who am I?
He was convinced to do it.
He did it without knowing whatthe outcome was going to be yeah
, against these, you know thesepredators.
And so he decided to go and butthere was a moment where he
could have said I'm not going todo it and because and if he
(43:11):
wouldn't have done it he wouldnever become the king.
But he did it.
But he did it not knowing thatkingship was coming Right.
He did it because I'm justgoing to choose to move forward,
and I think that this idea ofthe process, that's that's
what's, that's what's sopowerful.
Speaker 2 (43:28):
Yeah, and I think you know if you are a young person
watching us today, because Iknow we talk a lot to middle
adults, all right, but maybe oneof our young adults snuck in on
us, all right, I want you toknow, because I've been talking
to them.
You know, because they'relooking at the moment that we're
in right now and they aretrying to determine what role,
what place they're going to havein history in this moment.
(43:50):
They're the mufassas right now.
Yeah, you know, they are the.
They are the.
I'm walking.
I don't yet know that I'm aking, I don't yet know what I
will be right, but I'm walkingin this moment and I'm trying to
figure out how am I going touse my gifts?
How am I going to use, how am Igoing to use just my natural
inclinations to get to my nextspot?
(44:10):
Right, he had a destination inmind.
He didn't know what he wasgoing to become at that
destination.
He just had it.
He just knew he had to getthere, right yeah.
And so I think that is soimportant for y'all, especially
as you are thinking through whatam I going to do with this next
season of my life, to toremember that when you look
(44:31):
through history I know sometimeswe look through history and
history feels old, but thepeople who were history makers
were young that's real when theywere creating history you know
I'm saying they were.
You know the freedom writerswere college, high school and
college students.
You know MLK was like in hislate 20s, early 30s when he
started.
(44:51):
Yeah, you know, like thesepeople, when we look back
sometimes we see adults, butwhen they were in it they were
young.
They were young, and so youknow a lot of what's happening
that you guys want to respond to.
We are it's.
It's your boots on the groundthat we're waiting for, and I
don't want you to miss yourmoment to become a part of
(45:13):
history right and so, so, don'tbe afraid, don't, don't let any
man despise you because of youryouth.
Okay, you allow.
Allow yourself to be great inthe moment that you're in, and
history will look kindly on you.
Speaker 1 (45:28):
That's bringing us to our last point here.
So I think and I think it leans, it leans, it lids itself into
this, because I think, whenyou're in a crisis, it's very
the thing that feels the mostnatural is to focus on your
crisis, oh, absolutely, and tofocus on yourself and the crisis
.
Focus me, focus on.
I need help, I need, you know,and you, and that's true, yeah,
(45:51):
right, and you, you absolutelyshould do that.
But I think that something Ihave, uh, had to unlearn in
moments of crisis is that notjust, it's if you think, if
there's a point where thinkingjust about your crisis or your
situation is no longer helpfulor useful, because you do all
(46:12):
these things that we're sayingis good to do in our experience,
and you know you're, you'veadmitted it, you are submitting
yourself to the process, you aredoing all the things you you're
supposed to do.
You're not pretending you're,you believe you're going to win,
but you're not delusional onthe timing.
All those things, right, well,all right, I'm doing all that.
So what do I do?
(46:33):
And I think one of the thingsthat is really beautiful and
that can really be useful inthat time is to focus on serving
other people.
Now let me be clear not servingother people to ignore your
issue, but serving other peoplein the midst of your crisis, so
that your energy isn't just onyou and it's not just on your
(46:54):
problem and it's not just onyour disappointment.
But now you can use energy to dosomething that is going to
impact something bigger than you, and I think it does something
for perspective and it doessomething for relationship, and
oftentimes you will findcontentment that you didn't know
you could find, because nowyou're not just focused on the
(47:18):
problem, you're focused on asolution for somebody else.
So it reminds you thatsolutions are out there, and so,
if I can focus on a solutionfor what?
If somebody else is puttingenergy and focusing on a
solution for me, right, I'mfocusing on them.
It makes me believe thatsomebody's got to be out there
working on my behalf.
(47:38):
So I'm just going to work onsomebody else's right, and so I
think that that has beensomething, and I think it's
healthy for us to unlearn thatfocusing on yourself during a
crisis at a certain point is nolonger healthy.
Speaker 2 (47:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (47:51):
Focus on somebody else, focus on serving and not
just sulking and what you'redoing.
Speaker 2 (47:57):
Yeah, and I think that what you will find is that
what will get you to your nextlevel is not your ability, it's
your service.
Your next level is not yourability, it's your service, it
is your ability to.
Because, let me tell yousomething, regardless of what
area in in industry, in life, inbusiness, in community, in
church that you have been calledto serve, and regardless of it,
(48:21):
there is a it will, one it willmake you better right, serving
increases your capacity.
Speaker 1 (48:29):
It does.
Speaker 2 (48:30):
You don't.
There are some areas of yourlife that won't be made better
until you are pouring it outsomewhere, One hundred percent,
you trying to keep it toyourself and say you know, you
know, I used to.
You know, when I firstgraduated from divinity school,
I went to good schools.
You know, not that all schoolsaren't good.
Go to college I.
You know I'll go to a tradeschool.
(48:50):
You know, get your education.
Have you got to get it?
You know what I'm saying.
But I went to these, you know,really recognizable, really, you
know, high profile schools.
So when I graduated fromDivinity School I was like hello
, who wants your girl?
Yeah, all right, who trying tohire me?
And everybody was like, firstof all, you got a master of
(49:13):
divinity.
What even is that and how that?
I mean, one of the first jobs Iapplied to was a law office and
it was like ma'am, this, but Ihad worked at a law office
during divinity school and I waslike you know, they gonna see
that, they gonna translate that.
They was like man, we don't wantthis.
You and I was like you know,they're going to see that,
they're going to translate that.
They was like man, we don'twant this, you know.
But I was so focused on what Ithought was my capabilities I
(49:33):
did not yet have enough workexperience to say hey, I am a
person that produces, I am aperson that leads, I am a person
that pours Right.
You have got.
What makes you prove positiveis not what you're capable of
doing, is who you're capable ofinfluencing.
(49:54):
It's where you're able to makeimpact and where you're able to
lead teams, processes, ideas.
You have to be able to show.
I have served.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (50:06):
In some capacity.
Speaker 2 (50:08):
Everybody's not people.
Yeah, you know everybody's notleading teams and leading, but
where in your life have youpoured out?
And I teach my students thatpurpose has to be tied to impact
.
If your purpose only impactsyou, that's not a purpose,
that's an aspiration.
And there's difference, becausepurpose impacts, yeah, purpose.
(50:31):
Pull something forward, whatyou are not designed to come
into earth and serve yourself.
No, you were designed to comein and have an impact that would
be beneficial for community andnot just individually,
absolutely.
Speaker 1 (50:46):
I don't have anything to add to that.
Hey, listen, because you knowthat was good.
Speaker 2 (50:51):
I can always tell when we come to a close because
it's like all right, y'all feelgood I think we're done.
Speaker 1 (50:56):
No, no, I think I think that's, I think that was
good, um, and I hope you'reencouraged, because the reality
is a lot of people are in crisisright now yeah and, and so this
is why we thought it was really, really important to talk about
this, and so I think a lot ofpeople who are listening just by
sheer statistics are probablyin a crisis in some way.
(51:17):
Are you feeling like I'm notable to deal with X, Y, Z?
Speaker 2 (51:22):
For sure.
Speaker 1 (51:22):
And so I hope that this was encouraging to you, and
I hope that you can take thisand maybe, if you have to listen
to it more than one time justto remind yourself what are some
of the things that I need to bedoing right now in order to
come out on the other side ofthis for sure.
Speaker 2 (51:37):
So all right, all right, friends, one more time,
if you made it to the end ofthis podcast.
We so enjoyed hanging out withyou.
Be sure to like, share andsubscribe.
Tell a friend to tell a friendand we look forward to seeing
you on the next one.
Speaker 1 (51:53):
So let's keep unlearning together so that we
can experience more freedom.
Thank you once again forlistening to the Unlearned
podcast.
We would love to hear yourcomments and your feedback about
the episode.
Feel free to follow us onFacebook and Instagram and to
(52:15):
let us know what you think.
We're looking forward to thenext time when we are able to
unlearn together to move forwardtowards freedom.
See you then.
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