February 11, 2025 • 60 mins
In this episode, we explore the complexities of relationships, discussing the valuable lessons learned at the kitchen table and the transformative nature of love. By unlearning outdated beliefs about chemistry, commitment, and conflict, we encourage listeners to engage with their partners in a deeper, more meaningful way.
• Discussing Valentine’s Day and personal stories
• The importance of honoring the sanctifying process of relationships
• Unlearning the notion that the best relationships are easy
• Differentiating between infatuation and lasting commitment
• Emphasizing character and alignment over chemistry
• Understanding the shift in dynamics when creating a union
• Encouraging full investment ('100/100') instead of transactional relationships
• Advising against adhering to outdated societal norms regarding love
• Highlighting the need for wisdom in navigating relationships
We invite you to engage with us on social media and share your thoughts on this topic!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
what's up everybody?
Welcome once again to theunlearned podcast.
I am your host, ruth abigailaka ra.
What's up, friends?
It's your girl, jaquita yo, andthis is the podcast that's
helping you gain the courage tochange your mind so that you can
experience more freedom.
And uh, yo, uh, okay.
(00:26):
So, quita, I don't know whaty'all see, but I see red.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Quita says what she's wearing is orange, but we're
gonna go with red this dress nono, no, no, no, no no no, okay,
this dress is very much clemsonorange, okay, as is my lip, all
right, but if the camera wantsto pull, it's okay, because
we're celebrating a very specialweekend here today, friends
there you go A very special weekwhere very special things have
(00:49):
happened.
Happy Valentine's Day,everybody Happy Valentine's.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Week For all those who celebrate.
There you go, you know, andit's not for everybody, and
that's okay.
You know, valentine's Day isnot for and uh, everybody
doesn't need to celebrate it.
So if you don't celebrate,that's perfectly fine, but it is
, you know, in the america thevalentine, or is it the world?
Is this like an internationalday?
Speaker 2 (01:13):
pretty sure, this is not an international holiday
it's not okay I don't know, thisis something the americans okay
, okay, sure sure, sure, well,happy, happy valent Valentine's
day to the Americans.
And yeah, happy, happy spendyour money, happy, spend your
money on chocolate on the boo.
Okay, ruth Abigail, do you havean interesting Valentine's day
(01:37):
story, cause I do.
Oh I definitely don't go ahead.
Oh, okay, all right.
Well, he might not like thatI'm telling the story, but I
won't mention any names.
Anyways, worst valentine's dayof my life, okay okay, let's go
eighth grade.
Okay, somebody in my math classasked me to be their valentine,
(02:01):
who shall remain unnamed, right.
And then we had a friend whohad a birthday really close to
valentine, who shall remainunnamed, right.
And then we had a friend whohad a birthday really close to
valentine's day and she had alittle party and there was a
little dance, okay, andeverybody was dancing and booed
up and I thought I was gonna bebooed up and then I wasn't,
because my valentine's was booedup with somebody else.
Oh, oh, okay.
(02:22):
And then called me the next dayto be like hey, you know, I
just wanted to tell.
By the way, call me, it'seighth grade, y'all so.
And three-way had just came out, three-way was fresh in these
streets.
Okay, called me with, with the,with the homie on the three-way
as his, no like yeah, had his.
Had one of our mutual friends onthe phone right, and we're all
(02:44):
just sitting there.
He's like.
I just wanted to tell you faceto face.
You know that I'm now datingthis new girl and you know we
weren't dating, but I was justsupposed to be the Valentine's.
I'm now dating this new girl,ruth Abigail.
You never heard this story.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
I know, but I'm trying to be the audience.
I'm trying to be the audience,I know, I'm just trying to.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
You know, keep going, keep going, but anyways, and
was like, yeah, but you know,the day before Valentine's Day,
y'all he's like, yeah, so I'mnow dating, I'm now dating this
new boo, and so you know shegoing to be my Valentine's.
But then the next day in beforeschool with a bag full of all
(03:25):
the stuff, he got the new girland was like, oh, look, I got
her a rose and look, I got her ateddy bear.
And then he said but I didn'tforget about you.
Oh, he said I got something foryou too.
Now I want y'all in thecomments to tell me how you
would feel about this.
After he showed me the roses andthe bears and the chocolates
(03:48):
and all of the things for thisother person, he then pulls out
that dusty bag of the sweetheartchalk candy Stop.
Like a huge bag that he gotfrom Walmart that you're
supposed to share with the class, stop.
He then pulls that out and saysHappy Valentine's Day, jaquita
(04:09):
Dang.
I just want y'all to put it inthe chat.
How would you feel?
Wow.
So, anyways, today we'retalking about relationships,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Dang, that's crazy that's all right.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
It's all right.
We're still friends actually,yeah yeah, yeah, really close
friends that's beautiful.
Yeah, you know, I love him.
That's my brother.
But again, I won't mention nonames, but you know who you are
absolutely hysterical.
You know who you are and youknow what you did.
Wow, and I?
I never ate not one piece ofthat candy dang.
Wow, I looked at it in disdainas is your right, jaquita, as is
(04:51):
your right, right, that's it.
If you ask somebody to be yourvalentine's, follow through,
saints follow through.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Don't hook up with the person to after valentine's
day.
I'm not the same.
You sacrifice.
You know what I'm saying.
Like, sacrifice it for a day ortwo, you know what I mean.
Do it then, but don't do a daybefore.
That's a pro tip, it's trifling, it's terrible, okay.
(05:20):
So, yes, we are talking aboutrelationships and, um what we
have unlearned aboutrelationships.
Now we're talking aboutrelationships and um what we
have unlearned aboutrelationships.
Now we're talking aboutromantic relationships that we
were just discussing that withValentine's day, or potential
ones, but um, uh, but, uh, uh,but it, this is all kinds of
relationships, right?
So, like you know, romanticrelationships, friendships,
(05:40):
family relationships, any kindof relationship, and what we've
had to unlearn about theserelationships from the kitchen
table.
Again, when we say kitchentable, we talk about, um, how,
what you learned growing up fromeither your family, uh, your
community or general society, um, and so that's what we're,
that's what we're gonna get.
(06:01):
And yeah, this is interestingbecause I think that
relationships is always a it'salways a hot topic.
It's, it doesn't matter whattime of the season, because we,
as humans, are relationshipcentered, like we thrive off of
relationships, so it is alwaysgoing to be a hot topic for
(06:24):
humans and so um, I don't thinkit's really possible to
understand yourself outside ofrelationships.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
I agree, not fully, like you can know everything
about who you are, but until youunderstand and know how you
relate to other people, youdon't fully know yourself, I
agree, and so I think that wegrow and we're healed through
relationships.
Sometimes, we're broken throughrelationships, but we're also
(06:52):
healed through relationships.
So it's a.
I think that's why it's sopresent.
It's always at the top of ourminds because it's the active
way that we understand ourselvesin the world.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
So with that I'm going to share and I actually
shared this on the last FreedomFriday.
This was kind of the core thingthat I was talking about but I
had to unlearn that the besttype of relationships are easy,
um, that the best best type ofrelationships are easy, um, and
(07:26):
that, to your point, uh, queda,um, we don't know ourselves
outside of relationships, butpart of getting to know
ourselves in that, in thecontext of relationships, that
process doesn't unlearning that,that process is meant to be
easy to get the best result.
Um, the best relationships aresanctifying and that, and so you
(07:50):
know that is a, that is areligion, religious, churchy
word.
Essentially they're, they makeyou, um, uh, uh, make you more
pure, more right, more refined,right, that's the idea of
sanctification, and so the bestrelationships make you more
refined as a person, and beingmore refined doesn't always feel
(08:13):
good.
In fact it can be, it can bepainful, because the process of
being refined often requiressome level of heat, tension or
chipping right, and so thatthat's that, and so I think I've
had to unlearn that.
Um, you know, we kind of grow up, we've, we've grown up, most of
(08:34):
us have grown up in a, in asociety where, um, it's, you
know you want things, it should,you know it flows.
Things are easy, you know theyjust get me, you know what I
mean.
Like they just I justunderstand we just have all this
and it's like that's great andthat's that's.
That's a good thing and thatshould be a part of the best
relationships.
(08:54):
But I think we've gotten to apoint now where if there is, if
there's pushback or tension orany kind of like, if there's
pushback or tension or any kindof like disagreement, sometimes,
even especially today, thenit's a perceived like oh, this
might not be for me, and I thinkwe have to unlearn that.
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (09:27):
I think that's really good.
Don't realize how much howselfish we really are and how
self-centered we really areuntil you give yourself over to
that, to the sanctifying processof relationships.
You know I as a single woman, Iam making a lot of decisions
that only impact me and so Ionly have to consider how I feel
about it.
I was telling somebody earlierthis week you know I'm in the
(09:48):
process of doing it's a lotgoing on that we'll update you
guys on soon.
There's a lot going on overhere in the Ross household of
one.
But I was telling somebody thatyou know it's only February and
God has so much more time inthis year to do amazing things
(10:08):
and blow our minds.
And it is easy to make adecision off of your right now
and not consider what God may dolater.
And I keep, I keep, I keepexperiencing this thing where
I'm stressed and worried aboutsomething and the Lord tells me
I'm not worried.
That's not my experience and Ithink a lot of times in
(10:30):
relationships you can really getcaught up in how you feel and
how you're experiencingsomething and not realize that
in a relationship you are havingto weigh your feelings, your
perspectives, your ideologiesagainst that of someone else's
as well, and you, uh, I watcheda podcast where it said the two
(10:51):
shall become one, and thatbecoming process that is what is
.
This is the sanctificationright here.
It's where you are rubbing upagainst me and you're making me
better, and I'm rubbing upagainst you and making you
better and we're becoming one.
And so the becoming is going torequire refinement, because me
(11:12):
and Ruth Abigail, we have atheme scripture for our
friendship.
It's just who.
We are All right, and werealize that we're two very
different people who, if wedon't, if we didn't learn the
art of sanctification in ourfriendship, we would not be
friends.
Amen.
Like we both would have went inopposite directions If we, if
(11:33):
we didn't both give in andconcede to the fact that Ruth
Abigail is going to make mebetter because she's going to
point out things that I don'tnaturally look at and that I
don't want to pay attention to,things that I don't naturally
look at and that I don't want topay attention to and that I
don't always think is asimportant as she does.
If I don't give into that, I'mgoing to walk away from this
friendship.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Yeah, and vice versa.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
That's right, yeah, yeah, vice versa, girl.
I was pretty Okay.
All right, I dare.
Ruth.
Abigail had to put up with morefor me than I had to put up
with I dare say that's correct Idare say, I dare say,
especially in, like my supersaved years, I'm still super
(12:16):
safe, oh okay, but I gotsanctified, I got sanctified in
it and I don't think, you know,I think that that's something.
I think that people thinksanctified means sanctimonious
okay, that me being moresanctified means that I appear
and I show up more holy and morerighteous.
(12:38):
That's good in a way that is umchurchy.
Yeah, you know, I think peoplethink sanctified equals churchy.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Or arrogant, or like you know yeah, or like
untouchable, right, right.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
Sanctification is really humbling because it is
the realization.
The real process ofsanctification will bring you to
the point where you realize,one, I'm not as good as I
thought I was, that's right.
And two, I can't do it withoutthe Lord and without the people
he supplied me with 100%.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
That's sanctification .
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Sanctification is when you're talking about being
put in the fire and all yourdirt and stuff, all your
impurities coming to the top.
You got to face that stuff.
It doesn't just get wiped off.
And now you're like now I'mperfect.
It gets wiped off and you'relike I am capable of having
darkness inside of me, of havingdirt inside of me.
(13:37):
That's right, and all of thiscan happen again.
You don't get refined.
And then you're like oh, andI'm good, I'm good, I'm forever
good, I'm forever good.
I never have to see that fireagain.
The Lord's like no, I made thesurface good for this season,
but you will go back.
Let me tell you something.
Middle adults, y'all know it.
Okay, we, you thought a processwas done and that last time you
(13:59):
were going to have theexperience that level of
sanctification.
No you're going to end up backin that fire.
It's seasonal.
You got a season of fire and aseason of rest, so whichever one
you're in, be glad they're in,but realize that fire is coming
back, because there are alwaysways again, especially in
(14:20):
relationships, that we can bemade better.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Well, and just to tag that, just as we, and then I'd
love for you to share, you knowyours.
But, like you know the, whatyou just described also was just
the relationship with God.
So, like also, the relationshipwith God isn't going to be easy
because of that Right.
And so I think we grow up, I'llsay I think I grew up believing
that my relationship with Godshould be easy if I do
(14:45):
everything right.
That's not true, because, firstof all, I'm not going to do
everything right and, secondly,what I see is right is not
always God's right.
And so that process ofunderstanding, that is part of
that fire and I think it worksboth ways's it?
It kind of it works both waysright, Vertically and
horizontally, to God, yourrelationship with God and your
(15:06):
relationship with other people.
It is, it is a sanctifyingprocess and it will refine you,
and it will refine you over andover and over and over again.
And so, yeah, I just, I thinkthat was, I think that was good.
Okay, what, what?
What is it that you've had tounlearn from your kitchen table?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Um, I think something that I really had to unlearn
was that relationships requiredme to sacrifice my right to have
needs and to be present inthose relationships.
I think that I, in everyrelationship I got in, I kind of
tested out who that otherperson was.
(15:47):
And when I say relationships,I'm talking friendships, I'm
talking family relationships.
I judged how I was going toshow up in a relationship by
what that person was asking foror needing.
And so I went into everyrelationship saying, okay, what
can I do for them that will makethem want to be in a
relationship, friendship, family, ship with me?
(16:09):
What, what, what can I provide,what can I give, what can I
sacrifice that will make thisrelationship work?
And I think I did that throughmy teens, I think I did that
through college years, I think Idid that through my early 20s,
and that was kind of the waythat I built relationships.
(16:30):
I went in saying, hey, what doyou need?
Who can I be for you?
What can I give?
And I remember I would tellpeople and it can be something
so simple I would be sittingdown watching a movie with a
friend and they'd be like whatdo you want to watch?
And I was like the little girloff of Coming to America.
Whatever you like, yeah, yeah,you know well what you want to
(16:55):
do this weekend.
Whatever you like, yeah, andyou know.
And it got to a point and Iwould tell people oh yeah, I'm
not picky, I'm not highmaintenance, I don't have any
preferences.
You know, I'm go with the flow,I can do whatever anybody else
is doing.
But I really had to get to apoint where I was like no, no,
(17:15):
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, because you're about to get
lost and nobody is even nobody'seven going to know how to find
you, because they don't reallyknow you no-transcript.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
We feel like we are creating an environment where
we'll never be alone by doingwhat you just said, but the
truth is it's the loneliestplace, because nobody really
knows you.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Nobody really knows you, and I think it's not only
lonely, it is.
There is a part of you thatknows that, right, like it's not
just that nobody else reallyknows you is that you haven't
given yourself the chance toreally know you.
And so when people like those,when people ask me questions
(18:10):
about myself and I don't know orsomething that kind of went to
the tune of whatever you like,that was my genuine, authentic
answer and I will tell you thehonest truth.
Some of it was because I got alittle bit of the perfectionist
in me, okay, I got.
It's a little bit of her, justa little bit of her roaming
(18:32):
around in me, okay, but I got.
So I got so caught up in thefact that I had to perform, that
I had to be this person that Ithought everybody was depending
on me to be, are expecting me tobe, especially in, like, church
world.
Right, like I.
(18:53):
I ran everything through thewhat will, what will the people
think if I do this filter?
You know like, what will thepeople think if I do this filter
?
You know like what will thepeople think if I say this or if
I act this way?
Now I am who I am Like you know, like, and so you know I'm not
inauthentic, but I had to learn,like, how to make decisions
(19:14):
that may not have been popularand they weren't even a big deal
, but the pressure I was puttingon myself to be who I thought
other people were trying to getme to be was preventing me from
being exactly who I am.
And and allowing, and, and Godcan perfect who you're trying to
be.
That's right.
He has to be able to see you,and then he can, and then you
(19:38):
can hear the Lord on.
This is what I'm requiring,instead of always trying to
figure out what people arerequiring.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
How did, how are you?
How are you managing movingaway from that?
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Um, I don't think you want to know the honest truth.
I had to sit down and this iswhat really grew my relationship
with the Lord and grew it pastI'm a member of the church, you
know.
Grew it past, you know, Ibelieve you know, and grew it to
.
I trust, I love, I hope, andreally placing all of me in God
(20:16):
was when God started to tell mewho I am.
God started telling me thestuff that nobody else was
telling me about myself.
Okay, right.
And I remember there was a timeI sat down on the couch and I
was I mean, I was probably aboutthis close to a level of
depression in my life.
I don't think I was depressed,but I think I was about that
close, like one more straw, andI'd have been over that hump,
(20:40):
right.
And I remember I was sitting onthe couch and the Lord told me
Jaquita, write 10 things youlove about yourself.
And I got a piece of paper outand I wrote three and they were
real basic.
I was like I'm smart, I'm funny, I love people, and that was
all I had.
That was all I had and the Lordbegan filling my list because
(21:02):
he began showing me who I was.
You know I would wake up and Iwould hear God saying you know
you're a teacher, you knowyou're an intercessor, you are
in this part of the five-foldministry.
You are, you have these gifts.
You can do this right, you'rereally good at this.
And the Lord started affirmingme and what I was looking for
(21:23):
people to do, which they neverreally did, what I was looking
for people to do.
I allowed God to do that in mylife and it opened up a realm of
my understanding and experiencethat really allowed me to grow,
not just in relationship withGod, but it helped me to love
who I am.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
How many do you think you can write today?
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Oh child, I think you know that's such a funny
question.
You know cause?
It'd be like girl, I can writea book about you there's too
much.
There's too much, you know.
I think that I, I think that Ican write the things that I
appreciate about myself and Ican celebrate those things.
(22:08):
I think the point wasn't youknow, write down all your good
qualities.
It was.
What are you celebrating aboutthe life that I gave you?
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
And I think I could write a book about celebrating
god's goodness that's good,quita, that's good.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
So the reason I asked that, um, well, because I'm,
I'm, I want to, I want to switchgears.
Since it is it is valentine'sweek, let's talk a little bit
about the like, specificallyabout, you know, romance, you
know that kind of thing.
So, um, I'll kind of combinetwo into one.
Um that I think, relate to theimportance of what you just said
(22:52):
, of um, understanding andcelebrating who you are and
celebrating what God says aboutyou and not what others, not
what not looking for others todo it.
Um, and so two things that Ifeel like I've had to unlearn
about relationships is, um, thatI had to unlearn that, uh,
(23:13):
chemistry and compatibility arethe most important things, are
the most important things.
Commitment and character are so,but that's hard, because we
have grown up in a society thatsays chemistry, how it makes,
how they make me feel you know,you know how we, how we connect,
(23:35):
right, those kinds of things.
You see that in movies, right?
Those kinds of things.
You see that in movies.
I mean, every single Disneymovie gave you that it's so
funny because, no, there's noDisney movie that explores what
happens after the first kissHold on, or very few, Right?
(23:56):
No, no, they really don't.
It's the that's the climax.
Cinderella ended Snow Whiteended with a kiss, aladdin, you
know.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
Sleeping.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
Beauty ended with a kiss, it's all.
It's all.
Like you know, I mean, aladdinhas sequels though.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but butcome on, let's be real.
I mean, who's really checkingfor, you know, return of Jafar,
you know, okay, I, I mean, youknow, we watch them but we don't
really remember them, right,but like I think that that it's,
(24:24):
it's, that's the climax, theconnection, the chemistry, right
, and so we kind of we.
Thank you, joy.
I'm sorry producer Joy is inthe chat now, she did know.
(24:48):
You know, princess, and the frogdid start with the kiss and it
went sideways, but I don't thinkwe really got into the depth of
their relationship right afterit got, after it got serious
right disney is not like hey, wewant to show y'all marriage, no
, we want to show you the lovestory yeah, like and and and,
really what leads up to the lovestory, because the love story
doesn't start until the end ofthe movie.
And I think, and and truly like, because I don't.
(25:11):
You can't test love withoutcommitment.
Right, wait a minute.
Yeah you can't you can't testlove without commitment, and so
we've been ingrained in thissociety.
I think I want y'all to writethat down you can't test love
without commitment.
Somebody needed that amen, it'sthe truth.
I mean, you know, but but yougrow up and you assume that the
(25:34):
chemistry is the climax of love,and so it's just not.
You know, I'm saying like it'sjust not let me tell you.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
This was another thing I want y'all to write down
uh, uh, like slash, love ain'tenough.
It ain't enough.
Stop getting caught up withthese people because they said I
like you and stop waiting likey'all be making I love you.
Like the last barometer, likeyeah, that's it, he's right, he
loved me.
So you know.
(26:05):
Yeah, I know he don't tell girl.
Let me tell you something, andthis is something I don't think
that middle adults fully realizethe men changed somewhere along
the line the things that we sawand that we were taught.
I I'm sorry, I don't want tojust come down on men, but it's
two women on this podcast.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
It's true.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
Yeah, but it's something, something changed,
because it used to be growing upthat if he introduced you to
his mama, like that was it.
You know what I'm saying.
Like you were in there, okay,and the, the, the parental
introduction going to the house,okay, y'all about to walk down
the aisle tomorrow.
That's it Now, baby girl they be.
Mamas is down with it, okay.
(26:47):
Mamas is out here playing thegame.
Mamas is out here, like allright.
What's her name?
Again, baby, tell me before shecome.
Okay, susie, all right, hey,baby, and she will make you feel
loved and appreciated knowingthat somebody else is coming
next week or knowing that shenot going to approve of you.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
That's real.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
You know, I think the , I think some of the barometers
that we learned at our kitchentables.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
Yeah, it's changed Right.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
It's changed.
The goalpost has moved.
Let me tell you something thegame has changed.
That's true.
The game has changed and Idon't think the middle adults
nobody gave us any warning, likenobody told us that the things
that our parents taught us andthat you know people who were in
their 40s and 50s, nobody toldus that, hey, that stuff don't
really work no more, like youknow.
Like when people like oh lord,I'm sorry I ain't no, no, but
(27:39):
you know, as a single middleadult.
You know the stuff the saintswant to.
They got the advice.
You know, and I know y'allunderstand all my single middle
adults.
All right, I know y'all with me.
I want y'all another thing.
Y'all put in the chat name apiece of advice that you've
gotten, that you're like this isoutdated.
(28:00):
Yeah, that's real.
This ain't no longer it.
You know, like the whole like,oh, you know all you, if you
just stop thinking about them,that's when they'll come.
I think when they said that tous at 28, they thought that they
would be here by 30.
Sure it was.
They're gonna stop thinkingabout them by 30, at about 35.
(28:22):
They stop giving advice becausethey realize it's all, that's
all the stuff that worked foryour generation.
Yeah, that's not the stuff that.
And then you know they get.
They get real persistent.
You know they're like the biblesays he who finds you ain't
supposed to be out there looking.
Okay, and I get that and I'mwith that.
(28:42):
I want to be found.
Yes, okay, but y'all are notencouraging us to go out and be
findable there.
Y'all, y'all sit in the housebecause your mama, your daddy
made that boy come to the frontporch.
Yeah, okay, so that he can meetyou and in court.
Yes, that's not happening.
There's nobody gatekeeping myfront door right now.
(29:05):
Yes, there's nobody and y'allalso married people.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Y'all went to high school with yes, also true,
there's a lot of things.
There's a lot.
You said, quita, there's a lot.
You said, okay, like, well,that's true, we don't live in a
world where proximity is thenumber one connecting point for
relationships anymore.
Like it's well, let me not sayit's not number one, it's not,
(29:29):
it's one of many.
So you know, it did used to bethat way, and so those types of
platitudes, if you will, like,you know, don't think about it,
he'll be there, all that stuff.
It's not that it's not true.
It's just that there was a timewhere we understood how that
(29:55):
happened, because there wasn't awhole lot of ways for it to
happen.
I mean, quite frankly, that wasthe way it happened is
proximity.
We went to school, college, youknow, my people, that what, how
else we do this?
Go work, right.
But now we're connected allover the globe.
We're connected like crazy, andso you can meet somebody random
, like I did, quite frankly,right Online and no connections
(30:19):
to anybody, don't know eachother, don't know anybody that
knows each other, and you just,and you find each other right.
So that's just the world we'reliving in and we, we just have
to be aware that, um, even moreaware that it is commitment and
(30:41):
character that are going to makeit work, and not not the what
it feels like when y'all cometogether Right Like that.
That is, and I think we have to.
We got to unlearn that becausethe way we grew up and the
expectations we grew up with areno longer the case, and so what
ends up happening is a lot ofpeople really they do fit really
(31:03):
well with people and they arehigh chemistry and it looks like
, but we don't pay attention towhat we don't see.
We don't pay attention to whatwe don't currently feel.
You don't think about whathappens when you stop feeling
that way.
What happens when you stopfeeling that way about each
other?
Are both of you committed toremain without the feeling?
(31:25):
That's?
Speaker 2 (31:26):
real.
Wait a minute.
Ruth Abigail dropping gems.
I hope y'all catching upbecause she dropping them.
Thank you, that's yeah, I'dlike to make a book
recommendation and this bookreally helped me to realize
everything you just said.
Okay, it's called the SacredSearch by Gary Thomas.
(31:50):
He also has a book for marriedfriends, the Sacred Marriage,
okay, but the Sacred Searchtalks about I.
He mentions it somewhere inevery chapter, like in every
chapter he has the statementinfatuation, which is that
feeling of connection and thatkind of way up high feeling.
(32:13):
you have that like, oh my God,this is just so amazing that
infatuation makes you vulnerableand stupid.
Speaker 1 (32:23):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (32:24):
It says it just like that.
Okay, infatuation, and that itis temporary.
That's right, and it doesn'tmatter how long it lasts.
Initially you may feel reallygood because your stage of
infatuation lasted for 12, 16,18 months and you may think that
you're going to stay on thathigh.
But eventually you will comedown.
(32:44):
The hormones and the endorphinsin your body that are
convincing you that this is thethrill of a lifetime and that
this level of chemistry willlast forever and ever, those
will wear down.
And one day you're going to lookat the person's socks that they
left in the middle of the floor?
Are you going to look at thedishes that they left in the
(33:05):
sink?
Are you going to look at themsnoring in the bed next to you
and you can't get no sleep.
And all of a sudden, infatuationwill break and that's when what
Ruth Abigail is talking aboutyou have to decide what parts of
their character and what partsof their perspectives and their
worldview.
Because character I thinkcharacter we think about are
(33:27):
they morally righteous, like arethey going to do the right
thing, right?
But even that's not enough.
You need character, you need tobe aligned in your views on
finances on raising kids onkeeping a home on.
You know, are we going to makerisky moves?
Are we going to play safethings?
(33:47):
You guys need to be aligned,not the same.
You need to be aligned andgoing in the same direction.
How can two walk togetherunless they be agreed?
Right and so, instead offocusing on and you know I
understand the movies jacked usup.
Right and so, instead offocusing on and you know I
understand, the movies jacked usup.
Yeah, last night I was reallyclose to watching the notebook,
but then I realized how much itjacked me up.
(34:09):
Man, look, that's one that's agood one, cause, yes, it did.
Yeah, we used to be in college.
I was telling my mentee, weused to be in college and we
used to sit there and all watchit together and cry and be like
this is the most beautiful uhboy ever and this is what I want
, baby ain't.
No, they not doing that.
No more.
These men don't even know howto build houses.
No more that man that man did awhole house for her out on the
(34:32):
lake.
All right, you not getting thathouse, all right, you got to
get you know somebody that'sgonna be able to buy you a house
, because they're not buildingthem.
No more, I cannot um, uh, I say.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
Another one that messed us up was love of
basketball oh, man, you know Ilove loving.
I know that's my movie.
That's my movie now that's mymovie.
You know, I love that movie Ilove it, but we got to be honest
highly toxic, highly toxic, um,you know, highly toxic.
Toxicity, you know highly toxic.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
Toxicity at an all-time high.
I'm telling you man Becausethere ain't no way you came back
and took that man from TyraBanks.
Okay, over a basketball game?
No, and not even a fullbasketball game.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Y'all went to five points, that's not real, like
it's like that stuff doesn'thappen, right?
No, like like you gotta getthat out of your head and stop
looking for it.
I also think you gotta stoplooking conflict will happen
because you're different.
You're trying to make eachother better.
Don't look for conflict and saythat's love, like I think
that's two different things.
(35:32):
Conflict is is is um, conflictis is is natural in a
sanctifying relationship.
But sometimes we look forconflict because we think I got
to have conflict with thisperson in order to have love.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
But okay, a couple of things.
One conflict we learn to dealwith conflict at the kitchen
table.
We do, you know, in our home oforigin.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
Yes, you learn how to deal with conflict and you
learned your response toconflict right.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
It's not even that you are doing exactly what your
parents doing.
You are doing what you learnedand how you responded to what
you saw your parents doing,right?
So if in your home, conflictwas at an all-time high and
people were always yelling ateach other, you might be really
quiet and withdrawn because thatwas your response to what you
(36:25):
saw.
So you may not.
You may think, oh, I'm doingthis really differently because
I'm not doing it the way myparents do it and you're in
relationship setting rules Like,hey, we're not going to yell at
each other.
(36:48):
I don't believe in yelling ateach other.
I believe we can talk to eachother in quiet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Relationship and it's not eventhat you're not right in your
approach is that your approachis coming from an unhealed place
that you haven't dealt with,and so a lot of times we bring
these ideologies into newrelationships and we try to make
(37:11):
it work, and then we getdiscouraged because our unhealed
parts don't work the way wethink they will.
It's never going to give youthe result you think it will.
Um, but I also think so.
One we learned those in and howwe and what we saw at our
kitchen tables growing up.
Um, I also think that we putthese unrealistic expectations
(37:35):
right on relationships, that youknow that that we're just going
to float through them you know,like right, and no, no, no, um,
I and this, this is.
Speaker 1 (37:52):
I'll say this and then quit out.
Uh, I think yours, that youhave on this, is really good.
I think it's important to talkabout like um, but with that,
like it's not, it's not aboutfloating, it's about working, it
takes work, like, so something,we, we, we talk about the one,
right, and we all do.
We all want to talk about theone.
I want to find the one, youknow the one, the one, the one,
and I know there's plenty ofpeople.
I think we've gotten to a placewhere it's like, you know, I
(38:12):
don't believe in the one, youknow, there's true, but if I
could surmise, uh, we are theone, the idea of the one is
still so ingrained, even thoughphilosophically we can, you know
, kind of argue that thatdoesn't, that probably isn't the
(38:33):
right way to think about it.
It's what we grew up with, it's, it's the idea of it, and and
so we have.
There is a process tounlearning that, the, that the
goal is to simply find the one.
I would say the goal is to beprepared to work with the one
that you get now, because thatis way more important than
(38:56):
finding the right one.
Even if you find him or her, forour guys, okay With if you find
that person, absolutely Shoutout, shout out to our guys, you,
you, the.
The finding part is isliterally step one, and now the
(39:16):
rest of your steps are aboutworking because you can find
that right person and lose thembecause you don't commit it to
work.
Wait, say that again you canfind that right person, you can
find a person who's right foryou but it feel wrong, or, and
(39:37):
you lose them because you lackcommitment to work on the
relationship my lord right, mylord yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
No, I think that flows kind of right into the
point.
The next thing I had on my listwas that I had to unlearn this
ideology that relationships are50.
50.
Yeah, and I think you know thisis it's a hot topic right now.
You know everybody, that's likeone of the first things people
ask you on a date.
Like that's one of theirquestions, like what do you
believe?
But really that subscribes tothis idea that all I have to
(40:10):
bring to the relationship is mylittle 50, you know, and.
I don't.
I don't have anyresponsibilities outside of what
I thought my role in arelationship would be Right.
And so it puts you into themindset of I have a role to play
in this relationship versus thewe are a becoming and we are
(40:34):
working to do this versus this.
Yeah, this is what people aredoing when they say 50-50.
They're saying we're going towalk side by side with one
another and try to make it work.
No, when you really integrateyour life with somebody, you are
going to have to do the work.
You're going to have to dothings outside of your own
(40:56):
relationship expectations oroutside of what you thought your
relationship is going to looklike.
Right, and I watched as peoplewho had that 50 50 mentality
growing up.
They would look at theirpartner and say you're not
holding up your part, right,like you're not doing what I
thought you were going to do andyou're not fulfilling the
(41:16):
expectations that I thought ahusband or I thought a wife was
going to do in this relationship.
But when you agreed, when youagreed to be married and to join
together in holy matrimony andbecome a unit, a union right,
when you did that, you said thatyou came in desiring to become
(41:38):
one.
That's what it is.
That's a union.
It's not a partnership.
There are elements of apartnership to it, but you are a
union, you are a unit, youbecome one, and so that means
you're going to have to do more.
There may be a time where yourpartner's only given 20.
That's it, you got to pull up,that's right, you got to be like
(42:02):
, hey, I got this.
Speaker 1 (42:03):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (42:03):
Right.
And then there has to be amutuality there, there has to be
a give and take, your role inyour relationship.
We were all taught, okay,middle adults talking women,
talking men.
Women were taught that to be awife, it meant to, you know, do
certain things, and to be ahusband meant to do certain
things Right.
But now we have women who areare, uh, making more money than
(42:25):
men.
Yeah, what does that mean forour levels of relationships?
Yeah, now we have women whohave more education, right.
And and I don't believe I don't, I don't ascribe to the
ideology that just because Ihave this degree and that degree
means that I have to also havesomebody who is equal in every
(42:45):
way to what I've done or what Ihave Right.
But when we talk about a unionright, they have to have, you
have to be able to acknowledge,respect, adore, appreciate who
your partner is and what they'rebringing.
And the roles might be verydifferent than what you imagined
.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
Yeah, this 50-50 thing bothers me, has for a
while.
One of the most helpful thingsthat I've heard is that it's
never 50-50.
It's 100-100 for exactly whatyou just said, because I don't
always have everything to give,but if both people, if both
(43:26):
people are committed to giving100% every time, then when I'm
not able to give 100%, you'reable, it will equal 100%, right?
The other thing that I'vealways loved, that I've loved
people say is one of the bestways to enter into a
relationship, um, is to try toout serve the other, like so,
(43:51):
always, always seek to out serveyour, your partner, right, um?
And if you both are doing that,you both are served all the
time.
And it's not a 50, 50, it's nota give or take, it's not
transactional.
The minute we start thinkingthis 50, 50, um is, is the
minute we, uh, I think, giveourselves permission to um, give
(44:18):
ourselves permission to move onour own, which is not the
definition of a, which is, whichis not a, a marriage.
So, like I just saw this clip Ido not remember who did it,
maybe you saw it too Somebodyasked the question like what can
a wife do that a girlfriendcan't?
(44:45):
The question like what can awife do that?
A girlfriend can't?
And and she went down this listand she was she was on it, like
you know, and I'm not going totry to do it because I'm not, I
don't.
Whatever anointing was on herin that moment, and that's.
I do not have it right now, soI'm not going to try, but she
hit every nail on the head, andone of the things, though, that
I was reflecting on afterwardswas you know, and you've done,
you've done this motion twice,and so it's like I, I feel like
(45:07):
I just need to, I need to, Ihave this, I got to do that.
So, when you come together withsomebody, just in a, in a, in a
committed relationship, it's notmarriage and a committed
relationship.
This is why marriage is soimportant, I think, and to
understand I won't say it's soimportant, I do believe it's
important but why you have tounderstand the difference.
(45:29):
You could be as committed aspossible, but what this does,
regardless, right, growth andprogression and change is always
going to be a part of anyrelationship.
When you are not married.
This is what happens.
Okay, if you're not watching thevideo, you can't see what I'm
(45:49):
doing, but I have two handstogether like praying hands, and
so what happens in arelationship is one person could
easily move away from the otherone.
It sometimes it's very subtle.
You don't even realize thatit's happening, right, um.
And so there is a.
It's like oh, I got to catch up, right, okay.
(46:10):
So this person and then we'redoing this, that's okay, that's
part of a committed relationship.
Here's why it's different thanmarriage.
Marriage, like Queda has done afew times, brings you together
like this marriage like quitahas done a few times, brings you
together like this, like, uh,you're interlocking, yeah, that
when I move, I can't movewithout the other one.
It's not possible, right?
(46:31):
So, like I, I have to.
I you gotta know that that isvery different than here.
I'm moving on my own and youmight need to catch up and we
might need to get back in thesame place.
Versus you're together.
When I move, you automaticallymove, sometimes, whether you
want to or not, because if weare truly one, then the work is
(46:56):
how do we move together as one?
Because I can't just move on myown, because whatever I do
automatically impacts you in away that it didn't before we
were married, even if even ifyou're it's very.
it's a even if you're in acommitted relationship, even if
you're in a long-term committedrelationship, like that is the
(47:17):
reality.
Marriage shifts it.
It's a different thing, becausethe commitment is not just in
the.
You're not committing to justbe together, you are committing
to become one and you'recommitting to become something
that's never existed before.
Okay, Girl.
Speaker 2 (47:34):
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, cause I just told
somebody that I'm sorry, goahead, I am in.
No, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah I told somebody thatwhen, when we talk about the two
shall become one, and the Bibletalks about how that is a
mystery like that, the twobecoming one is a mystery, that
(47:56):
that's not something that, likeyou, can really fathom in your
mind.
I say it is as if God is makinga new creation and you have to
see your marriage, your union,as this is something that God
has put together.
That is his creation.
And, just like you know, youspent time understanding who you
(48:17):
are and all of like how I wastelling you how I had to spend
time with God, learning myself,learning who I am, learning the
goodness of God in my life.
Like you, will have to spendthat same amount of time in your
relationship, learning you guysas a unit.
Speaker 1 (48:33):
Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 2 (48:34):
And it is not just a.
You know I'm in a space of selfexploration.
Right, you don't get to do thatseparate from the union.
No, that's right you are doingthat as part of a union, that's
right.
Right, you're doing that aspart of a new creation, yeah,
and so you have to check withthe creator and say, how does
(48:56):
this fit?
That's really good, and that'swhy there's now a three-strand
cord.
Yeah, that's right.
It's what's working for me,what's working for them, and
what is God tying it togetherwith right?
Because it is a new creationand you're absolutely right.
It is so easy to just dip outwhen you not, you know you might
(49:20):
cry a few tears.
You know you might, you might,you might release you, might you
might be like this was reallyhard to walk away from this
five-year relationship, but youdidn't have to move with that
person.
Yeah, there was nothing, therewas no covenant establishing
that you had to.
Yeah.
And so I think that that'simportant, because I think
(49:42):
another thing and I think oursociety it can be viewed that we
are moving away from marriage,away from the necessity of it,
like you know, and people are insaying, you know, I don't
really think it's something Ihave to do.
You know, dah, dah, dah, dah,dah.
No, it is something.
It is not just a piece of paper.
No, it's not.
(50:04):
It's not just a ceremony.
It is literally you going, likeRuth Abigail said, from this to
really interlocking with oneanother and making yourselves
one.
You don't become one until youmake that, until you make that
commitment at an altar, in frontof your friends and family and
that that is it's.
Speaker 1 (50:23):
It's weird because I would say before that I, you
know, I, I, I live in my headand so the intellectual argument
of that was always something Ifelt was hard to argue against.
I'm like it's just a piece ofpaper, what's the big deal?
And it's like I know it's morethan that, but I can't explain
it.
And the truth is, to your point, it mystery, it's, you can't
explain it, but having been onboth sides, oh, it's different
(50:43):
and it's not, and it'simmediately different, like it's
not even um, so I think thatthat is, I think that's.
I think that's so important.
Um, man, there was, there wassomething else.
I want to.
I know this is kind of weird toend on.
We're about to wrap it up andit's like this is weird to end
on and I almost Joy.
If this doesn't come out right,feel free to edit it, but I
(51:06):
just feel the need to go back alittle bit.
You said that the infatuationyou're talking about the book,
gary.
What's his name?
Gary, gary Thomas Got it.
Gary Thomas, the Secret Search.
That infatuation makes youvulnerable and stupid.
Agreed, can I?
(51:30):
One of the things that we grewup with is this idea of well,
especially if you grew up in thechurch, right?
This purity culture, sex is bad, don't have sex, okay.
So we need to go there.
I feel the need to go there andno, it's not about to get weird
, it's just going to get realfor a minute and I'm going to be
here long, but I just need tosay it out loud that that that
like that playback.
For a lot of us that grew upparticularly in the church women
(51:53):
specifically who grew up in thechurch Um, it's like I
shouldn't have sex because it'sbad and God says not to.
I shouldn't have sex becauseit's bad and God says not to.
I agree before marriage, right,yes, yes and yes.
And my issue with that hasalways been that that's where it
stopped, that's where theexplanation stopped.
What I like about what he saysis this infatuation, which, for
(52:16):
a lot of people, led to sex, ledto sex before marriage.
Is this high level ofinfatuation, right?
The vulnerability and stupidity, stupidity of it all it sex
does just heightens that, yeah,and it heightens the
vulnerability and stupidity.
And what it also does is it, ifyou are not careful, if it
(52:39):
happens to be that the personthat you had sex with you are no
longer with you didn't end up'swise.
Like the wisdom of God, I think,is more important here than the
(53:05):
morality of God.
Okay, and I know that soundswhatever it sounds like that's
okay.
I hope it makes sense.
But God's that wisdom is godlywisdom.
You aren't going to go to hellby having sex before marriage.
Your life might, yourrelationships might, be harder
as a result.
(53:31):
The wisdom there is don't do itwhen you're only infatuated and
not committed through a covenant.
It is not worth it.
Right, and I think that's thatis.
I wish we would have had thatkind of language and practical
explanation as, growing up, Iwish I did, because it it warps
your mind about what sex is andwhat it should be as you get
older, and I wish it would havegone beyond don't do it, because
(53:55):
God says don't do it.
Like it's just.
It is deeper than that, it'smore important than that.
Like it's wise not to do that.
It's not just righteous.
Like it's like I don't.
Because me, growing up, I waslike I don't the righteous thing
, didn't?
That wasn't a motivator for me.
To be honest with you.
Um, my biggest motivator wasnot getting pregnant, but, um,
but being righteous wasn't mymotivator.
(54:16):
But I will be honest and saybeing wise is my was my
motivator.
It became my motivator, not.
But I will be honest and saybeing wise is my was my
motivator, it became mymotivator.
Not just being righteous, doingwhatever, just doing, just
doing right, just cause it'sright, that's me, that's me, and
I'm not saying that's the rightway to think, but that's who I,
that's how I thought, and sowhen?
But when it clicked for me thatthis isn't just right, it's
wise and it's going to have thebest outcome in your permanent
(54:41):
covenant relationship, then it'slike I can rock with that.
So, anyway, I just need to saythat and I hope that came across
, okay, um, and if you have anyquestions, you know, hit us up,
hit her up hit me up, I'm justplaying.
Yeah, cool.
Speaker 2 (54:59):
Yeah, but I just to tag on I do think that, like we,
I think the church has gonethrough different seasons and
different stages of growth andeven as we're talking about how
we have come to understandourselves and to like, really
know ourselves and have thesense of where we feel like God
has given us more purpose andmore sense of identity, I think
(55:20):
the church has gone through thesame.
You know, the church is thebride of Christ and as the bride
, like, we have had to learn howto be in relationship and real,
authentic relationship with God.
That is not this idea of 50-50,where we move how we want to
move and then we ask God aboutit later.
And we still sometimes move howwe want to move, and so I think
(55:41):
in about it later.
And we still sometimes move howwe want to move.
And so I think in her infancyRight, I think that it was we.
We really tried to make it arule book yeah, and not as a
book when God's voice, it is theliving word and that means that
when we allow the word toreally reside within us, it
becomes a living part of us, andwithin God, there's
(56:06):
understanding, there's wisdom,there's truth, there's knowledge
, there's hope, there's a future, there's faith, there's joy,
there's peace, and I think thatwe kind of left a lot of that
out when we were ascribing topeople what righteous living
looks like, and so I think thatwe were only given one piece of
(56:28):
it, and if you followed that onepiece, then everybody felt
really good about who you were.
If you didn't follow a piece ofit right and you fell off the
track that we said was therighteous way, we didn't really
have the understanding and theknowledge and the know-how of
how to get you back to anunderstanding of what right
(56:50):
relationship with God looks like, and so our only methodology
was hey, don't do that anymore.
And I think that it's only nowthat we're walking in the wisdom
and understanding of there's somuch more to the word than you
know, the to do and don't dolist, and so you know.
(57:13):
That's why authenticrelationship with God yourself
is important.
That's it Absolutely, Becauseyou need the understanding that
somebody else may not be able togive you, and you have to go to
God and trust that God willgive that to you.
Speaker 1 (57:26):
Well, thanks for allowing us to end on that
random note.
That was not in our notes, butI just felt my soul was saying
you need to, you need to saythat, and so thank you all for
giving us that, you know, givingus your ear.
All right, so that's it, folks.
We are done and we will.
(57:48):
Oh, we didn't do it, man.
We got to get better at this.
Oh, golly man.
Speaker 2 (57:53):
You know what?
We're just going to startputting it like in words.
We should do that yeah, justkeep it at the bottom Like share
and subscribe we don't forget.
We've been so excited.
That's not our main focus.
We want y'all to like, shareand subscribe.
We do want that.
Okay, we need y'all to get inhere, all right, and get some of
(58:14):
this goodness right, that's it.
But we are just excited aboutgiving to y'all what God has
given to us, that's it.
Um, that he's processed usthrough, all right.
It ain't just being like, oh,the Lord just gave us a
revelation.
No, these are lives that havebeen lived and studied, and the
Lord has helped us to be able torelay um everything to you.
(58:37):
But we really really appreciateevery person that has shared it
, every person that comments,every person that likes our
pages, our posts, our storiesand every person that subscribes
, and we really want y'all tocontinue in that, because we're
trying to build community, we'retrying to have a place where
people feel safe, unlearning andchanging and growing in freedom
(59:01):
, and so that requires us toreally commit to one another.
Speaker 1 (59:07):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (59:08):
Not just sitting here and enjoying it, okay, but
commit, okay, let's do this wecan be together Come on All
right, so commit like, share andsubscribe friends.
Speaker 1 (59:20):
Cool, cool, cool, cool Cool.
All right, y'all.
That's it.
Let's keep unlearning togetherso that we can experience more
freedom.
Thank you once again forlistening to the unlearned
podcast.
We would love to hear yourcomments and your feedback about
the episode.
(59:41):
Feel free to follow us onFacebook and Instagram and to
let us know what you think.
We're looking forward to thenext time when we are able to
unlearn together to move forwardtowards freedom.
See you then.
what's up everybody?
Welcome once again to theunlearned podcast.
I am your host, ruth abigailaka ra.
What's up, friends?
It's your girl, jaquita yo, andthis is the podcast that's
helping you gain the courage tochange your mind so that you can
experience more freedom.
And uh, yo, uh, okay.
(00:26):
So, quita, I don't know whaty'all see, but I see red.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Quita says what she's wearing is orange, but we're
gonna go with red this dress nono, no, no, no, no no no, okay,
this dress is very much clemsonorange, okay, as is my lip, all
right, but if the camera wantsto pull, it's okay, because
we're celebrating a very specialweekend here today, friends
there you go A very special weekwhere very special things have
(00:49):
happened.
Happy Valentine's Day,everybody Happy Valentine's.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Week For all those who celebrate.
There you go, you know, andit's not for everybody, and
that's okay.
You know, valentine's Day isnot for and uh, everybody
doesn't need to celebrate it.
So if you don't celebrate,that's perfectly fine, but it is
, you know, in the america thevalentine, or is it the world?
Is this like an internationalday?
Speaker 2 (01:13):
pretty sure, this is not an international holiday
it's not okay I don't know, thisis something the americans okay
, okay, sure sure, sure, well,happy, happy valent Valentine's
day to the Americans.
And yeah, happy, happy spendyour money, happy, spend your
money on chocolate on the boo.
Okay, ruth Abigail, do you havean interesting Valentine's day
(01:37):
story, cause I do.
Oh I definitely don't go ahead.
Oh, okay, all right.
Well, he might not like thatI'm telling the story, but I
won't mention any names.
Anyways, worst valentine's dayof my life, okay okay, let's go
eighth grade.
Okay, somebody in my math classasked me to be their valentine,
(02:01):
who shall remain unnamed, right.
And then we had a friend whohad a birthday really close to
valentine, who shall remainunnamed, right.
And then we had a friend whohad a birthday really close to
valentine's day and she had alittle party and there was a
little dance, okay, andeverybody was dancing and booed
up and I thought I was gonna bebooed up and then I wasn't,
because my valentine's was booedup with somebody else.
Oh, oh, okay.
(02:22):
And then called me the next dayto be like hey, you know, I
just wanted to tell.
By the way, call me, it'seighth grade, y'all so.
And three-way had just came out, three-way was fresh in these
streets.
Okay, called me with, with the,with the homie on the three-way
as his, no like yeah, had his.
Had one of our mutual friends onthe phone right, and we're all
(02:44):
just sitting there.
He's like.
I just wanted to tell you faceto face.
You know that I'm now datingthis new girl and you know we
weren't dating, but I was justsupposed to be the Valentine's.
I'm now dating this new girl,ruth Abigail.
You never heard this story.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
I know, but I'm trying to be the audience.
I'm trying to be the audience,I know, I'm just trying to.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
You know, keep going, keep going, but anyways, and
was like, yeah, but you know,the day before Valentine's Day,
y'all he's like, yeah, so I'mnow dating, I'm now dating this
new boo, and so you know shegoing to be my Valentine's.
But then the next day in beforeschool with a bag full of all
(03:25):
the stuff, he got the new girland was like, oh, look, I got
her a rose and look, I got her ateddy bear.
And then he said but I didn'tforget about you.
Oh, he said I got something foryou too.
Now I want y'all in thecomments to tell me how you
would feel about this.
After he showed me the roses andthe bears and the chocolates
(03:48):
and all of the things for thisother person, he then pulls out
that dusty bag of the sweetheartchalk candy Stop.
Like a huge bag that he gotfrom Walmart that you're
supposed to share with the class, stop.
He then pulls that out and saysHappy Valentine's Day, jaquita
(04:09):
Dang.
I just want y'all to put it inthe chat.
How would you feel?
Wow.
So, anyways, today we'retalking about relationships,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Dang, that's crazy that's all right.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
It's all right.
We're still friends actually,yeah yeah, yeah, really close
friends that's beautiful.
Yeah, you know, I love him.
That's my brother.
But again, I won't mention nonames, but you know who you are
absolutely hysterical.
You know who you are and youknow what you did.
Wow, and I?
I never ate not one piece ofthat candy dang.
Wow, I looked at it in disdainas is your right, jaquita, as is
(04:51):
your right, right, that's it.
If you ask somebody to be yourvalentine's, follow through,
saints follow through.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Don't hook up with the person to after valentine's
day.
I'm not the same.
You sacrifice.
You know what I'm saying.
Like, sacrifice it for a day ortwo, you know what I mean.
Do it then, but don't do a daybefore.
That's a pro tip, it's trifling, it's terrible, okay.
(05:20):
So, yes, we are talking aboutrelationships and, um what we
have unlearned aboutrelationships.
Now we're talking aboutrelationships and um what we
have unlearned aboutrelationships.
Now we're talking aboutromantic relationships that we
were just discussing that withValentine's day, or potential
ones, but um, uh, but, uh, uh,but it, this is all kinds of
relationships, right?
So, like you know, romanticrelationships, friendships,
(05:40):
family relationships, any kindof relationship, and what we've
had to unlearn about theserelationships from the kitchen
table.
Again, when we say kitchentable, we talk about, um, how,
what you learned growing up fromeither your family, uh, your
community or general society, um, and so that's what we're,
that's what we're gonna get.
(06:01):
And yeah, this is interestingbecause I think that
relationships is always a it'salways a hot topic.
It's, it doesn't matter whattime of the season, because we,
as humans, are relationshipcentered, like we thrive off of
relationships, so it is alwaysgoing to be a hot topic for
(06:24):
humans and so um, I don't thinkit's really possible to
understand yourself outside ofrelationships.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
I agree, not fully, like you can know everything
about who you are, but until youunderstand and know how you
relate to other people, youdon't fully know yourself, I
agree, and so I think that wegrow and we're healed through
relationships.
Sometimes, we're broken throughrelationships, but we're also
(06:52):
healed through relationships.
So it's a.
I think that's why it's sopresent.
It's always at the top of ourminds because it's the active
way that we understand ourselvesin the world.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
So with that I'm going to share and I actually
shared this on the last FreedomFriday.
This was kind of the core thingthat I was talking about but I
had to unlearn that the besttype of relationships are easy,
um, that the best best type ofrelationships are easy, um, and
(07:26):
that, to your point, uh, queda,um, we don't know ourselves
outside of relationships, butpart of getting to know
ourselves in that, in thecontext of relationships, that
process doesn't unlearning that,that process is meant to be
easy to get the best result.
Um, the best relationships aresanctifying and that, and so you
(07:50):
know that is a, that is areligion, religious, churchy
word.
Essentially they're, they makeyou, um, uh, uh, make you more
pure, more right, more refined,right, that's the idea of
sanctification, and so the bestrelationships make you more
refined as a person, and beingmore refined doesn't always feel
(08:13):
good.
In fact it can be, it can bepainful, because the process of
being refined often requiressome level of heat, tension or
chipping right, and so thatthat's that, and so I think I've
had to unlearn that.
Um, you know, we kind of grow up, we've, we've grown up, most of
(08:34):
us have grown up in a, in asociety where, um, it's, you
know you want things, it should,you know it flows.
Things are easy, you know theyjust get me, you know what I
mean.
Like they just I justunderstand we just have all this
and it's like that's great andthat's that's.
That's a good thing and thatshould be a part of the best
relationships.
(08:54):
But I think we've gotten to apoint now where if there is, if
there's pushback or tension orany kind of like, if there's
pushback or tension or any kindof like disagreement, sometimes,
even especially today, thenit's a perceived like oh, this
might not be for me, and I thinkwe have to unlearn that.
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (09:27):
I think that's really good.
Don't realize how much howselfish we really are and how
self-centered we really areuntil you give yourself over to
that, to the sanctifying processof relationships.
You know I as a single woman, Iam making a lot of decisions
that only impact me and so Ionly have to consider how I feel
about it.
I was telling somebody earlierthis week you know I'm in the
(09:48):
process of doing it's a lotgoing on that we'll update you
guys on soon.
There's a lot going on overhere in the Ross household of
one.
But I was telling somebody thatyou know it's only February and
God has so much more time inthis year to do amazing things
(10:08):
and blow our minds.
And it is easy to make adecision off of your right now
and not consider what God may dolater.
And I keep, I keep, I keepexperiencing this thing where
I'm stressed and worried aboutsomething and the Lord tells me
I'm not worried.
That's not my experience and Ithink a lot of times in
(10:30):
relationships you can really getcaught up in how you feel and
how you're experiencingsomething and not realize that
in a relationship you are havingto weigh your feelings, your
perspectives, your ideologiesagainst that of someone else's
as well, and you, uh, I watcheda podcast where it said the two
(10:51):
shall become one, and thatbecoming process that is what is
.
This is the sanctificationright here.
It's where you are rubbing upagainst me and you're making me
better, and I'm rubbing upagainst you and making you
better and we're becoming one.
And so the becoming is going torequire refinement, because me
(11:12):
and Ruth Abigail, we have atheme scripture for our
friendship.
It's just who.
We are All right, and werealize that we're two very
different people who, if wedon't, if we didn't learn the
art of sanctification in ourfriendship, we would not be
friends.
Amen.
Like we both would have went inopposite directions If we, if
(11:33):
we didn't both give in andconcede to the fact that Ruth
Abigail is going to make mebetter because she's going to
point out things that I don'tnaturally look at and that I
don't want to pay attention to,things that I don't naturally
look at and that I don't want topay attention to and that I
don't always think is asimportant as she does.
If I don't give into that, I'mgoing to walk away from this
friendship.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Yeah, and vice versa.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
That's right, yeah, yeah, vice versa, girl.
I was pretty Okay.
All right, I dare.
Ruth.
Abigail had to put up with morefor me than I had to put up
with I dare say that's correct Idare say, I dare say,
especially in, like my supersaved years, I'm still super
(12:16):
safe, oh okay, but I gotsanctified, I got sanctified in
it and I don't think, you know,I think that that's something.
I think that people thinksanctified means sanctimonious
okay, that me being moresanctified means that I appear
and I show up more holy and morerighteous.
(12:38):
That's good in a way that is umchurchy.
Yeah, you know, I think peoplethink sanctified equals churchy.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Or arrogant, or like you know yeah, or like
untouchable, right, right.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
Sanctification is really humbling because it is
the realization.
The real process ofsanctification will bring you to
the point where you realize,one, I'm not as good as I
thought I was, that's right.
And two, I can't do it withoutthe Lord and without the people
he supplied me with 100%.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
That's sanctification .
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Sanctification is when you're talking about being
put in the fire and all yourdirt and stuff, all your
impurities coming to the top.
You got to face that stuff.
It doesn't just get wiped off.
And now you're like now I'mperfect.
It gets wiped off and you'relike I am capable of having
darkness inside of me, of havingdirt inside of me.
(13:37):
That's right, and all of thiscan happen again.
You don't get refined.
And then you're like oh, andI'm good, I'm good, I'm forever
good, I'm forever good.
I never have to see that fireagain.
The Lord's like no, I made thesurface good for this season,
but you will go back.
Let me tell you something.
Middle adults, y'all know it.
Okay, we, you thought a processwas done and that last time you
(13:59):
were going to have theexperience that level of
sanctification.
No you're going to end up backin that fire.
It's seasonal.
You got a season of fire and aseason of rest, so whichever one
you're in, be glad they're in,but realize that fire is coming
back, because there are alwaysways again, especially in
(14:20):
relationships, that we can bemade better.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Well, and just to tag that, just as we, and then I'd
love for you to share, you knowyours.
But, like you know the, whatyou just described also was just
the relationship with God.
So, like also, the relationshipwith God isn't going to be easy
because of that Right.
And so I think we grow up, I'llsay I think I grew up believing
that my relationship with Godshould be easy if I do
(14:45):
everything right.
That's not true, because, firstof all, I'm not going to do
everything right and, secondly,what I see is right is not
always God's right.
And so that process ofunderstanding, that is part of
that fire and I think it worksboth ways's it?
It kind of it works both waysright, Vertically and
horizontally, to God, yourrelationship with God and your
(15:06):
relationship with other people.
It is, it is a sanctifyingprocess and it will refine you,
and it will refine you over andover and over and over again.
And so, yeah, I just, I thinkthat was, I think that was good.
Okay, what, what?
What is it that you've had tounlearn from your kitchen table?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Um, I think something that I really had to unlearn
was that relationships requiredme to sacrifice my right to have
needs and to be present inthose relationships.
I think that I, in everyrelationship I got in, I kind of
tested out who that otherperson was.
(15:47):
And when I say relationships,I'm talking friendships, I'm
talking family relationships.
I judged how I was going toshow up in a relationship by
what that person was asking foror needing.
And so I went into everyrelationship saying, okay, what
can I do for them that will makethem want to be in a
relationship, friendship, family, ship with me?
(16:09):
What, what, what can I provide,what can I give, what can I
sacrifice that will make thisrelationship work?
And I think I did that throughmy teens, I think I did that
through college years, I think Idid that through my early 20s,
and that was kind of the waythat I built relationships.
(16:30):
I went in saying, hey, what doyou need?
Who can I be for you?
What can I give?
And I remember I would tellpeople and it can be something
so simple I would be sittingdown watching a movie with a
friend and they'd be like whatdo you want to watch?
And I was like the little girloff of Coming to America.
Whatever you like, yeah, yeah,you know well what you want to
(16:55):
do this weekend.
Whatever you like, yeah, andyou know.
And it got to a point and Iwould tell people oh yeah, I'm
not picky, I'm not highmaintenance, I don't have any
preferences.
You know, I'm go with the flow,I can do whatever anybody else
is doing.
But I really had to get to apoint where I was like no, no,
(17:15):
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, because you're about to get
lost and nobody is even nobody'seven going to know how to find
you, because they don't reallyknow you no-transcript.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
We feel like we are creating an environment where
we'll never be alone by doingwhat you just said, but the
truth is it's the loneliestplace, because nobody really
knows you.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Nobody really knows you, and I think it's not only
lonely, it is.
There is a part of you thatknows that, right, like it's not
just that nobody else reallyknows you is that you haven't
given yourself the chance toreally know you.
And so when people like those,when people ask me questions
(18:10):
about myself and I don't know orsomething that kind of went to
the tune of whatever you like,that was my genuine, authentic
answer and I will tell you thehonest truth.
Some of it was because I got alittle bit of the perfectionist
in me, okay, I got.
It's a little bit of her, justa little bit of her roaming
(18:32):
around in me, okay, but I got.
So I got so caught up in thefact that I had to perform, that
I had to be this person that Ithought everybody was depending
on me to be, are expecting me tobe, especially in, like, church
world.
Right, like I.
(18:53):
I ran everything through thewhat will, what will the people
think if I do this filter?
You know like, what will thepeople think if I do this filter
?
You know like what will thepeople think if I say this or if
I act this way?
Now I am who I am Like you know, like, and so you know I'm not
inauthentic, but I had to learn,like, how to make decisions
(19:14):
that may not have been popularand they weren't even a big deal
, but the pressure I was puttingon myself to be who I thought
other people were trying to getme to be was preventing me from
being exactly who I am.
And and allowing, and, and Godcan perfect who you're trying to
be.
That's right.
He has to be able to see you,and then he can, and then you
(19:38):
can hear the Lord on.
This is what I'm requiring,instead of always trying to
figure out what people arerequiring.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
How did, how are you?
How are you managing movingaway from that?
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Um, I don't think you want to know the honest truth.
I had to sit down and this iswhat really grew my relationship
with the Lord and grew it pastI'm a member of the church, you
know.
Grew it past, you know, Ibelieve you know, and grew it to
.
I trust, I love, I hope, andreally placing all of me in God
(20:16):
was when God started to tell mewho I am.
God started telling me thestuff that nobody else was
telling me about myself.
Okay, right.
And I remember there was a timeI sat down on the couch and I
was I mean, I was probably aboutthis close to a level of
depression in my life.
I don't think I was depressed,but I think I was about that
close, like one more straw, andI'd have been over that hump,
(20:40):
right.
And I remember I was sitting onthe couch and the Lord told me
Jaquita, write 10 things youlove about yourself.
And I got a piece of paper outand I wrote three and they were
real basic.
I was like I'm smart, I'm funny, I love people, and that was
all I had.
That was all I had and the Lordbegan filling my list because
(21:02):
he began showing me who I was.
You know I would wake up and Iwould hear God saying you know
you're a teacher, you knowyou're an intercessor, you are
in this part of the five-foldministry.
You are, you have these gifts.
You can do this right, you'rereally good at this.
And the Lord started affirmingme and what I was looking for
(21:23):
people to do, which they neverreally did, what I was looking
for people to do.
I allowed God to do that in mylife and it opened up a realm of
my understanding and experiencethat really allowed me to grow,
not just in relationship withGod, but it helped me to love
who I am.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
How many do you think you can write today?
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Oh child, I think you know that's such a funny
question.
You know cause?
It'd be like girl, I can writea book about you there's too
much.
There's too much, you know.
I think that I, I think that Ican write the things that I
appreciate about myself and Ican celebrate those things.
(22:08):
I think the point wasn't youknow, write down all your good
qualities.
It was.
What are you celebrating aboutthe life that I gave you?
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
And I think I could write a book about celebrating
god's goodness that's good,quita, that's good.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
So the reason I asked that, um, well, because I'm,
I'm, I want to, I want to switchgears.
Since it is it is valentine'sweek, let's talk a little bit
about the like, specificallyabout, you know, romance, you
know that kind of thing.
So, um, I'll kind of combinetwo into one.
Um that I think, relate to theimportance of what you just said
(22:52):
, of um, understanding andcelebrating who you are and
celebrating what God says aboutyou and not what others, not
what not looking for others todo it.
Um, and so two things that Ifeel like I've had to unlearn
about relationships is, um, thatI had to unlearn that, uh,
(23:13):
chemistry and compatibility arethe most important things, are
the most important things.
Commitment and character are so,but that's hard, because we
have grown up in a society thatsays chemistry, how it makes,
how they make me feel you know,you know how we, how we connect,
(23:35):
right, those kinds of things.
You see that in movies, right?
Those kinds of things.
You see that in movies.
I mean, every single Disneymovie gave you that it's so
funny because, no, there's noDisney movie that explores what
happens after the first kissHold on, or very few, Right?
(23:56):
No, no, they really don't.
It's the that's the climax.
Cinderella ended Snow Whiteended with a kiss, aladdin, you
know.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
Sleeping.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
Beauty ended with a kiss, it's all.
It's all.
Like you know, I mean, aladdinhas sequels though.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but butcome on, let's be real.
I mean, who's really checkingfor, you know, return of Jafar,
you know, okay, I, I mean, youknow, we watch them but we don't
really remember them, right,but like I think that that it's,
(24:24):
it's, that's the climax, theconnection, the chemistry, right
, and so we kind of we.
Thank you, joy.
I'm sorry producer Joy is inthe chat now, she did know.
(24:48):
You know, princess, and the frogdid start with the kiss and it
went sideways, but I don't thinkwe really got into the depth of
their relationship right afterit got, after it got serious
right disney is not like hey, wewant to show y'all marriage, no
, we want to show you the lovestory yeah, like and and and,
really what leads up to the lovestory, because the love story
doesn't start until the end ofthe movie.
And I think, and and truly like, because I don't.
(25:11):
You can't test love withoutcommitment.
Right, wait a minute.
Yeah you can't you can't testlove without commitment, and so
we've been ingrained in thissociety.
I think I want y'all to writethat down you can't test love
without commitment.
Somebody needed that amen, it'sthe truth.
I mean, you know, but but yougrow up and you assume that the
(25:34):
chemistry is the climax of love,and so it's just not.
You know, I'm saying like it'sjust not let me tell you.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
This was another thing I want y'all to write down
uh, uh, like slash, love ain'tenough.
It ain't enough.
Stop getting caught up withthese people because they said I
like you and stop waiting likey'all be making I love you.
Like the last barometer, likeyeah, that's it, he's right, he
loved me.
So you know.
(26:05):
Yeah, I know he don't tell girl.
Let me tell you something, andthis is something I don't think
that middle adults fully realizethe men changed somewhere along
the line the things that we sawand that we were taught.
I I'm sorry, I don't want tojust come down on men, but it's
two women on this podcast.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
It's true.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
Yeah, but it's something, something changed,
because it used to be growing upthat if he introduced you to
his mama, like that was it.
You know what I'm saying.
Like you were in there, okay,and the, the, the parental
introduction going to the house,okay, y'all about to walk down
the aisle tomorrow.
That's it Now, baby girl they be.
Mamas is down with it, okay.
(26:47):
Mamas is out here playing thegame.
Mamas is out here, like allright.
What's her name?
Again, baby, tell me before shecome.
Okay, susie, all right, hey,baby, and she will make you feel
loved and appreciated knowingthat somebody else is coming
next week or knowing that shenot going to approve of you.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
That's real.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
You know, I think the , I think some of the barometers
that we learned at our kitchentables.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
Yeah, it's changed Right.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
It's changed.
The goalpost has moved.
Let me tell you something thegame has changed.
That's true.
The game has changed and Idon't think the middle adults
nobody gave us any warning, likenobody told us that the things
that our parents taught us andthat you know people who were in
their 40s and 50s, nobody toldus that, hey, that stuff don't
really work no more, like youknow.
Like when people like oh lord,I'm sorry I ain't no, no, but
(27:39):
you know, as a single middleadult.
You know the stuff the saintswant to.
They got the advice.
You know, and I know y'allunderstand all my single middle
adults.
All right, I know y'all with me.
I want y'all another thing.
Y'all put in the chat name apiece of advice that you've
gotten, that you're like this isoutdated.
(28:00):
Yeah, that's real.
This ain't no longer it.
You know, like the whole like,oh, you know all you, if you
just stop thinking about them,that's when they'll come.
I think when they said that tous at 28, they thought that they
would be here by 30.
Sure it was.
They're gonna stop thinkingabout them by 30, at about 35.
(28:22):
They stop giving advice becausethey realize it's all, that's
all the stuff that worked foryour generation.
Yeah, that's not the stuff that.
And then you know they get.
They get real persistent.
You know they're like the biblesays he who finds you ain't
supposed to be out there looking.
Okay, and I get that and I'mwith that.
(28:42):
I want to be found.
Yes, okay, but y'all are notencouraging us to go out and be
findable there.
Y'all, y'all sit in the housebecause your mama, your daddy
made that boy come to the frontporch.
Yeah, okay, so that he can meetyou and in court.
Yes, that's not happening.
There's nobody gatekeeping myfront door right now.
(29:05):
Yes, there's nobody and y'allalso married people.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Y'all went to high school with yes, also true,
there's a lot of things.
There's a lot.
You said, quita, there's a lot.
You said, okay, like, well,that's true, we don't live in a
world where proximity is thenumber one connecting point for
relationships anymore.
Like it's well, let me not sayit's not number one, it's not,
(29:29):
it's one of many.
So you know, it did used to bethat way, and so those types of
platitudes, if you will, like,you know, don't think about it,
he'll be there, all that stuff.
It's not that it's not true.
It's just that there was a timewhere we understood how that
(29:55):
happened, because there wasn't awhole lot of ways for it to
happen.
I mean, quite frankly, that wasthe way it happened is
proximity.
We went to school, college, youknow, my people, that what, how
else we do this?
Go work, right.
But now we're connected allover the globe.
We're connected like crazy, andso you can meet somebody random
, like I did, quite frankly,right Online and no connections
(30:19):
to anybody, don't know eachother, don't know anybody that
knows each other, and you just,and you find each other right.
So that's just the world we'reliving in and we, we just have
to be aware that, um, even moreaware that it is commitment and
(30:41):
character that are going to makeit work, and not not the what
it feels like when y'all cometogether Right Like that.
That is, and I think we have to.
We got to unlearn that becausethe way we grew up and the
expectations we grew up with areno longer the case, and so what
ends up happening is a lot ofpeople really they do fit really
(31:03):
well with people and they arehigh chemistry and it looks like
, but we don't pay attention towhat we don't see.
We don't pay attention to whatwe don't currently feel.
You don't think about whathappens when you stop feeling
that way.
What happens when you stopfeeling that way about each
other?
Are both of you committed toremain without the feeling?
(31:25):
That's?
Speaker 2 (31:26):
real.
Wait a minute.
Ruth Abigail dropping gems.
I hope y'all catching upbecause she dropping them.
Thank you, that's yeah, I'dlike to make a book
recommendation and this bookreally helped me to realize
everything you just said.
Okay, it's called the SacredSearch by Gary Thomas.
(31:50):
He also has a book for marriedfriends, the Sacred Marriage,
okay, but the Sacred Searchtalks about I.
He mentions it somewhere inevery chapter, like in every
chapter he has the statementinfatuation, which is that
feeling of connection and thatkind of way up high feeling.
(32:13):
you have that like, oh my God,this is just so amazing that
infatuation makes you vulnerableand stupid.
Speaker 1 (32:23):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (32:24):
It says it just like that.
Okay, infatuation, and that itis temporary.
That's right, and it doesn'tmatter how long it lasts.
Initially you may feel reallygood because your stage of
infatuation lasted for 12, 16,18 months and you may think that
you're going to stay on thathigh.
But eventually you will comedown.
(32:44):
The hormones and the endorphinsin your body that are
convincing you that this is thethrill of a lifetime and that
this level of chemistry willlast forever and ever, those
will wear down.
And one day you're going to lookat the person's socks that they
left in the middle of the floor?
Are you going to look at thedishes that they left in the
(33:05):
sink?
Are you going to look at themsnoring in the bed next to you
and you can't get no sleep.
And all of a sudden, infatuationwill break and that's when what
Ruth Abigail is talking aboutyou have to decide what parts of
their character and what partsof their perspectives and their
worldview.
Because character I thinkcharacter we think about are
(33:27):
they morally righteous, like arethey going to do the right
thing, right?
But even that's not enough.
You need character, you need tobe aligned in your views on
finances on raising kids onkeeping a home on.
You know, are we going to makerisky moves?
Are we going to play safethings?
(33:47):
You guys need to be aligned,not the same.
You need to be aligned andgoing in the same direction.
How can two walk togetherunless they be agreed?
Right and so, instead offocusing on and you know I
understand the movies jacked usup.
Right and so, instead offocusing on and you know I
understand, the movies jacked usup.
Yeah, last night I was reallyclose to watching the notebook,
but then I realized how much itjacked me up.
(34:09):
Man, look, that's one that's agood one, cause, yes, it did.
Yeah, we used to be in college.
I was telling my mentee, weused to be in college and we
used to sit there and all watchit together and cry and be like
this is the most beautiful uhboy ever and this is what I want
, baby ain't.
No, they not doing that.
No more.
These men don't even know howto build houses.
No more that man that man did awhole house for her out on the
(34:32):
lake.
All right, you not getting thathouse, all right, you got to
get you know somebody that'sgonna be able to buy you a house
, because they're not buildingthem.
No more, I cannot um, uh, I say.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
Another one that messed us up was love of
basketball oh, man, you know Ilove loving.
I know that's my movie.
That's my movie now that's mymovie.
You know, I love that movie Ilove it, but we got to be honest
highly toxic, highly toxic, um,you know, highly toxic.
Toxicity, you know highly toxic.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
Toxicity at an all-time high.
I'm telling you man Becausethere ain't no way you came back
and took that man from TyraBanks.
Okay, over a basketball game?
No, and not even a fullbasketball game.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Y'all went to five points, that's not real, like
it's like that stuff doesn'thappen, right?
No, like like you gotta getthat out of your head and stop
looking for it.
I also think you gotta stoplooking conflict will happen
because you're different.
You're trying to make eachother better.
Don't look for conflict and saythat's love, like I think
that's two different things.
(35:32):
Conflict is is is um, conflictis is is natural in a
sanctifying relationship.
But sometimes we look forconflict because we think I got
to have conflict with thisperson in order to have love.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
But okay, a couple of things.
One conflict we learn to dealwith conflict at the kitchen
table.
We do, you know, in our home oforigin.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
Yes, you learn how to deal with conflict and you
learned your response toconflict right.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
It's not even that you are doing exactly what your
parents doing.
You are doing what you learnedand how you responded to what
you saw your parents doing,right?
So if in your home, conflictwas at an all-time high and
people were always yelling ateach other, you might be really
quiet and withdrawn because thatwas your response to what you
(36:25):
saw.
So you may not.
You may think, oh, I'm doingthis really differently because
I'm not doing it the way myparents do it and you're in
relationship setting rules Like,hey, we're not going to yell at
each other.
(36:48):
I don't believe in yelling ateach other.
I believe we can talk to eachother in quiet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Relationship and it's not eventhat you're not right in your
approach is that your approachis coming from an unhealed place
that you haven't dealt with,and so a lot of times we bring
these ideologies into newrelationships and we try to make
(37:11):
it work, and then we getdiscouraged because our unhealed
parts don't work the way wethink they will.
It's never going to give youthe result you think it will.
Um, but I also think so.
One we learned those in and howwe and what we saw at our
kitchen tables growing up.
Um, I also think that we putthese unrealistic expectations
(37:35):
right on relationships, that youknow that that we're just going
to float through them you know,like right, and no, no, no, um,
I and this, this is.
Speaker 1 (37:52):
I'll say this and then quit out.
Uh, I think yours, that youhave on this, is really good.
I think it's important to talkabout like um, but with that,
like it's not, it's not aboutfloating, it's about working, it
takes work, like, so something,we, we, we talk about the one,
right, and we all do.
We all want to talk about theone.
I want to find the one, youknow the one, the one, the one,
and I know there's plenty ofpeople.
I think we've gotten to a placewhere it's like, you know, I
(38:12):
don't believe in the one, youknow, there's true, but if I
could surmise, uh, we are theone, the idea of the one is
still so ingrained, even thoughphilosophically we can, you know
, kind of argue that thatdoesn't, that probably isn't the
(38:33):
right way to think about it.
It's what we grew up with, it's, it's the idea of it, and and
so we have.
There is a process tounlearning that, the, that the
goal is to simply find the one.
I would say the goal is to beprepared to work with the one
that you get now, because thatis way more important than
(38:56):
finding the right one.
Even if you find him or her, forour guys, okay With if you find
that person, absolutely Shoutout, shout out to our guys, you,
you, the.
The finding part is isliterally step one, and now the
(39:16):
rest of your steps are aboutworking because you can find
that right person and lose thembecause you don't commit it to
work.
Wait, say that again you canfind that right person, you can
find a person who's right foryou but it feel wrong, or, and
(39:37):
you lose them because you lackcommitment to work on the
relationship my lord right, mylord yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
No, I think that flows kind of right into the
point.
The next thing I had on my listwas that I had to unlearn this
ideology that relationships are50.
50.
Yeah, and I think you know thisis it's a hot topic right now.
You know everybody, that's likeone of the first things people
ask you on a date.
Like that's one of theirquestions, like what do you
believe?
But really that subscribes tothis idea that all I have to
(40:10):
bring to the relationship is mylittle 50, you know, and.
I don't.
I don't have anyresponsibilities outside of what
I thought my role in arelationship would be Right.
And so it puts you into themindset of I have a role to play
in this relationship versus thewe are a becoming and we are
(40:34):
working to do this versus this.
Yeah, this is what people aredoing when they say 50-50.
They're saying we're going towalk side by side with one
another and try to make it work.
No, when you really integrateyour life with somebody, you are
going to have to do the work.
You're going to have to dothings outside of your own
(40:56):
relationship expectations oroutside of what you thought your
relationship is going to looklike.
Right, and I watched as peoplewho had that 50 50 mentality
growing up.
They would look at theirpartner and say you're not
holding up your part, right,like you're not doing what I
thought you were going to do andyou're not fulfilling the
(41:16):
expectations that I thought ahusband or I thought a wife was
going to do in this relationship.
But when you agreed, when youagreed to be married and to join
together in holy matrimony andbecome a unit, a union right,
when you did that, you said thatyou came in desiring to become
(41:38):
one.
That's what it is.
That's a union.
It's not a partnership.
There are elements of apartnership to it, but you are a
union, you are a unit, youbecome one, and so that means
you're going to have to do more.
There may be a time where yourpartner's only given 20.
That's it, you got to pull up,that's right, you got to be like
(42:02):
, hey, I got this.
Speaker 1 (42:03):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (42:03):
Right.
And then there has to be amutuality there, there has to be
a give and take, your role inyour relationship.
We were all taught, okay,middle adults talking women,
talking men.
Women were taught that to be awife, it meant to, you know, do
certain things, and to be ahusband meant to do certain
things Right.
But now we have women who areare, uh, making more money than
(42:25):
men.
Yeah, what does that mean forour levels of relationships?
Yeah, now we have women whohave more education, right.
And and I don't believe I don't, I don't ascribe to the
ideology that just because Ihave this degree and that degree
means that I have to also havesomebody who is equal in every
(42:45):
way to what I've done or what Ihave Right.
But when we talk about a unionright, they have to have, you
have to be able to acknowledge,respect, adore, appreciate who
your partner is and what they'rebringing.
And the roles might be verydifferent than what you imagined
.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
Yeah, this 50-50 thing bothers me, has for a
while.
One of the most helpful thingsthat I've heard is that it's
never 50-50.
It's 100-100 for exactly whatyou just said, because I don't
always have everything to give,but if both people, if both
(43:26):
people are committed to giving100% every time, then when I'm
not able to give 100%, you'reable, it will equal 100%, right?
The other thing that I'vealways loved, that I've loved
people say is one of the bestways to enter into a
relationship, um, is to try toout serve the other, like so,
(43:51):
always, always seek to out serveyour, your partner, right, um?
And if you both are doing that,you both are served all the
time.
And it's not a 50, 50, it's nota give or take, it's not
transactional.
The minute we start thinkingthis 50, 50, um is, is the
minute we, uh, I think, giveourselves permission to um, give
(44:18):
ourselves permission to move onour own, which is not the
definition of a, which is, whichis not a, a marriage.
So, like I just saw this clip Ido not remember who did it,
maybe you saw it too Somebodyasked the question like what can
a wife do that a girlfriendcan't?
(44:45):
The question like what can awife do that?
A girlfriend can't?
And and she went down this listand she was she was on it, like
you know, and I'm not going totry to do it because I'm not, I
don't.
Whatever anointing was on herin that moment, and that's.
I do not have it right now, soI'm not going to try, but she
hit every nail on the head, andone of the things, though, that
I was reflecting on afterwardswas you know, and you've done,
you've done this motion twice,and so it's like I, I feel like
(45:07):
I just need to, I need to, Ihave this, I got to do that.
So, when you come together withsomebody, just in a, in a, in a
committed relationship, it's notmarriage and a committed
relationship.
This is why marriage is soimportant, I think, and to
understand I won't say it's soimportant, I do believe it's
important but why you have tounderstand the difference.
(45:29):
You could be as committed aspossible, but what this does,
regardless, right, growth andprogression and change is always
going to be a part of anyrelationship.
When you are not married.
This is what happens.
Okay, if you're not watching thevideo, you can't see what I'm
(45:49):
doing, but I have two handstogether like praying hands, and
so what happens in arelationship is one person could
easily move away from the otherone.
It sometimes it's very subtle.
You don't even realize thatit's happening, right, um.
And so there is a.
It's like oh, I got to catch up, right, okay.
(46:10):
So this person and then we'redoing this, that's okay, that's
part of a committed relationship.
Here's why it's different thanmarriage.
Marriage, like Queda has done afew times, brings you together
like this marriage like quitahas done a few times, brings you
together like this, like, uh,you're interlocking, yeah, that
when I move, I can't movewithout the other one.
It's not possible, right?
(46:31):
So, like I, I have to.
I you gotta know that that isvery different than here.
I'm moving on my own and youmight need to catch up and we
might need to get back in thesame place.
Versus you're together.
When I move, you automaticallymove, sometimes, whether you
want to or not, because if weare truly one, then the work is
(46:56):
how do we move together as one?
Because I can't just move on myown, because whatever I do
automatically impacts you in away that it didn't before we
were married, even if even ifyou're it's very.
it's a even if you're in acommitted relationship, even if
you're in a long-term committedrelationship, like that is the
(47:17):
reality.
Marriage shifts it.
It's a different thing, becausethe commitment is not just in
the.
You're not committing to justbe together, you are committing
to become one and you'recommitting to become something
that's never existed before.
Okay, Girl.
Speaker 2 (47:34):
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, cause I just told
somebody that I'm sorry, goahead, I am in.
No, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah I told somebody thatwhen, when we talk about the two
shall become one, and the Bibletalks about how that is a
mystery like that, the twobecoming one is a mystery, that
(47:56):
that's not something that, likeyou, can really fathom in your
mind.
I say it is as if God is makinga new creation and you have to
see your marriage, your union,as this is something that God
has put together.
That is his creation.
And, just like you know, youspent time understanding who you
(48:17):
are and all of like how I wastelling you how I had to spend
time with God, learning myself,learning who I am, learning the
goodness of God in my life.
Like you, will have to spendthat same amount of time in your
relationship, learning you guysas a unit.
Speaker 1 (48:33):
Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 2 (48:34):
And it is not just a.
You know I'm in a space of selfexploration.
Right, you don't get to do thatseparate from the union.
No, that's right you are doingthat as part of a union, that's
right.
Right, you're doing that aspart of a new creation, yeah,
and so you have to check withthe creator and say, how does
(48:56):
this fit?
That's really good, and that'swhy there's now a three-strand
cord.
Yeah, that's right.
It's what's working for me,what's working for them, and
what is God tying it togetherwith right?
Because it is a new creationand you're absolutely right.
It is so easy to just dip outwhen you not, you know you might
(49:20):
cry a few tears.
You know you might, you might,you might release you, might you
might be like this was reallyhard to walk away from this
five-year relationship, but youdidn't have to move with that
person.
Yeah, there was nothing, therewas no covenant establishing
that you had to.
Yeah.
And so I think that that'simportant, because I think
(49:42):
another thing and I think oursociety it can be viewed that we
are moving away from marriage,away from the necessity of it,
like you know, and people are insaying, you know, I don't
really think it's something Ihave to do.
You know, dah, dah, dah, dah,dah.
No, it is something.
It is not just a piece of paper.
No, it's not.
(50:04):
It's not just a ceremony.
It is literally you going, likeRuth Abigail said, from this to
really interlocking with oneanother and making yourselves
one.
You don't become one until youmake that, until you make that
commitment at an altar, in frontof your friends and family and
that that is it's.
Speaker 1 (50:23):
It's weird because I would say before that I, you
know, I, I, I live in my headand so the intellectual argument
of that was always something Ifelt was hard to argue against.
I'm like it's just a piece ofpaper, what's the big deal?
And it's like I know it's morethan that, but I can't explain
it.
And the truth is, to your point, it mystery, it's, you can't
explain it, but having been onboth sides, oh, it's different
(50:43):
and it's not, and it'simmediately different, like it's
not even um, so I think thatthat is, I think that's.
I think that's so important.
Um, man, there was, there wassomething else.
I want to.
I know this is kind of weird toend on.
We're about to wrap it up andit's like this is weird to end
on and I almost Joy.
If this doesn't come out right,feel free to edit it, but I
(51:06):
just feel the need to go back alittle bit.
You said that the infatuationyou're talking about the book,
gary.
What's his name?
Gary, gary Thomas Got it.
Gary Thomas, the Secret Search.
That infatuation makes youvulnerable and stupid.
Agreed, can I?
(51:30):
One of the things that we grewup with is this idea of well,
especially if you grew up in thechurch, right?
This purity culture, sex is bad, don't have sex, okay.
So we need to go there.
I feel the need to go there andno, it's not about to get weird
, it's just going to get realfor a minute and I'm going to be
here long, but I just need tosay it out loud that that that
like that playback.
For a lot of us that grew upparticularly in the church women
(51:53):
specifically who grew up in thechurch Um, it's like I
shouldn't have sex because it'sbad and God says not to.
I shouldn't have sex becauseit's bad and God says not to.
I agree before marriage, right,yes, yes and yes.
And my issue with that hasalways been that that's where it
stopped, that's where theexplanation stopped.
What I like about what he saysis this infatuation, which, for
(52:16):
a lot of people, led to sex, ledto sex before marriage.
Is this high level ofinfatuation, right?
The vulnerability and stupidity, stupidity of it all it sex
does just heightens that, yeah,and it heightens the
vulnerability and stupidity.
And what it also does is it, ifyou are not careful, if it
(52:39):
happens to be that the personthat you had sex with you are no
longer with you didn't end up'swise.
Like the wisdom of God, I think,is more important here than the
(53:05):
morality of God.
Okay, and I know that soundswhatever it sounds like that's
okay.
I hope it makes sense.
But God's that wisdom is godlywisdom.
You aren't going to go to hellby having sex before marriage.
Your life might, yourrelationships might, be harder
as a result.
(53:31):
The wisdom there is don't do itwhen you're only infatuated and
not committed through a covenant.
It is not worth it.
Right, and I think that's thatis.
I wish we would have had thatkind of language and practical
explanation as, growing up, Iwish I did, because it it warps
your mind about what sex is andwhat it should be as you get
older, and I wish it would havegone beyond don't do it, because
(53:55):
God says don't do it.
Like it's just.
It is deeper than that, it'smore important than that.
Like it's wise not to do that.
It's not just righteous.
Like it's like I don't.
Because me, growing up, I waslike I don't the righteous thing
, didn't?
That wasn't a motivator for me.
To be honest with you.
Um, my biggest motivator wasnot getting pregnant, but, um,
but being righteous wasn't mymotivator.
(54:16):
But I will be honest and saybeing wise is my was my
motivator.
It became my motivator, not.
But I will be honest and saybeing wise is my was my
motivator, it became mymotivator.
Not just being righteous, doingwhatever, just doing, just
doing right, just cause it'sright, that's me, that's me, and
I'm not saying that's the rightway to think, but that's who I,
that's how I thought, and sowhen?
But when it clicked for me thatthis isn't just right, it's
wise and it's going to have thebest outcome in your permanent
(54:41):
covenant relationship, then it'slike I can rock with that.
So, anyway, I just need to saythat and I hope that came across
, okay, um, and if you have anyquestions, you know, hit us up,
hit her up hit me up, I'm justplaying.
Yeah, cool.
Speaker 2 (54:59):
Yeah, but I just to tag on I do think that, like we,
I think the church has gonethrough different seasons and
different stages of growth andeven as we're talking about how
we have come to understandourselves and to like, really
know ourselves and have thesense of where we feel like God
has given us more purpose andmore sense of identity, I think
(55:20):
the church has gone through thesame.
You know, the church is thebride of Christ and as the bride
, like, we have had to learn howto be in relationship and real,
authentic relationship with God.
That is not this idea of 50-50,where we move how we want to
move and then we ask God aboutit later.
And we still sometimes move howwe want to move, and so I think
(55:41):
in about it later.
And we still sometimes move howwe want to move.
And so I think in her infancyRight, I think that it was we.
We really tried to make it arule book yeah, and not as a
book when God's voice, it is theliving word and that means that
when we allow the word toreally reside within us, it
becomes a living part of us, andwithin God, there's
(56:06):
understanding, there's wisdom,there's truth, there's knowledge
, there's hope, there's a future, there's faith, there's joy,
there's peace, and I think thatwe kind of left a lot of that
out when we were ascribing topeople what righteous living
looks like, and so I think thatwe were only given one piece of
(56:28):
it, and if you followed that onepiece, then everybody felt
really good about who you were.
If you didn't follow a piece ofit right and you fell off the
track that we said was therighteous way, we didn't really
have the understanding and theknowledge and the know-how of
how to get you back to anunderstanding of what right
(56:50):
relationship with God looks like, and so our only methodology
was hey, don't do that anymore.
And I think that it's only nowthat we're walking in the wisdom
and understanding of there's somuch more to the word than you
know, the to do and don't dolist, and so you know.
(57:13):
That's why authenticrelationship with God yourself
is important.
That's it Absolutely, Becauseyou need the understanding that
somebody else may not be able togive you, and you have to go to
God and trust that God willgive that to you.
Speaker 1 (57:26):
Well, thanks for allowing us to end on that
random note.
That was not in our notes, butI just felt my soul was saying
you need to, you need to saythat, and so thank you all for
giving us that, you know, givingus your ear.
All right, so that's it, folks.
We are done and we will.
(57:48):
Oh, we didn't do it, man.
We got to get better at this.
Oh, golly man.
Speaker 2 (57:53):
You know what?
We're just going to startputting it like in words.
We should do that yeah, justkeep it at the bottom Like share
and subscribe we don't forget.
We've been so excited.
That's not our main focus.
We want y'all to like, shareand subscribe.
We do want that.
Okay, we need y'all to get inhere, all right, and get some of
(58:14):
this goodness right, that's it.
But we are just excited aboutgiving to y'all what God has
given to us, that's it.
Um, that he's processed usthrough, all right.
It ain't just being like, oh,the Lord just gave us a
revelation.
No, these are lives that havebeen lived and studied, and the
Lord has helped us to be able torelay um everything to you.
(58:37):
But we really really appreciateevery person that has shared it
, every person that comments,every person that likes our
pages, our posts, our storiesand every person that subscribes
, and we really want y'all tocontinue in that, because we're
trying to build community, we'retrying to have a place where
people feel safe, unlearning andchanging and growing in freedom
(59:01):
, and so that requires us toreally commit to one another.
Speaker 1 (59:07):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (59:08):
Not just sitting here and enjoying it, okay, but
commit, okay, let's do this wecan be together Come on All
right, so commit like, share andsubscribe friends.
Speaker 1 (59:20):
Cool, cool, cool, cool Cool.
All right, y'all.
That's it.
Let's keep unlearning togetherso that we can experience more
freedom.
Thank you once again forlistening to the unlearned
podcast.
We would love to hear yourcomments and your feedback about
the episode.
(59:41):
Feel free to follow us onFacebook and Instagram and to
let us know what you think.
We're looking forward to thenext time when we are able to
unlearn together to move forwardtowards freedom.
See you then.
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