April 8, 2025 • 82 mins
Juanita shares her journey as a single mother parenting her now 18-year-old daughter from age four, offering wisdom on co-parenting, building resilience, and evolving from teacher to coach.
• Transitioning from a two-parent household to single parenting requires choosing trust with both the co-parent and eventually the child
• The shift from teaching to coaching should happen earlier than most parents realize—around 8-9 years old in today's digital world
• Technology management requires open communication rather than excessive monitoring or restrictions
• Children need to experience hard things to build resilience—protecting them from struggle prevents growth
• Parents must recognize the difference between protecting from harm versus protecting from challenge
• Our children often reflect our own behaviors, offering opportunities for personal growth and self-reflection
• Allow your co-parent to parent in their own way—different doesn't mean wrong
Share this episode with someone who might benefit from these insights and subscribe to continue unlearning together toward more freedom.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
hello everybody and welcome once again to the
unlearned podcast.
I'm your host with abigail akara, and this is the podcast that
is helping you gain the courageto change your mind so that you
can experience more freedom.
And I have a special guest inthe building today, uh, and I am
(00:26):
so grateful that she chose todo this.
It's her first podcast, y'all,so be kind, okay, be nice, don't
give it too hard of a time.
Uh, juanita, how you doing?
Speaker 2 (00:36):
hey, hey, hey, I am doing well fighting some
allergies and it's a littlewarmer than I'd like for it to
be, this atmosphere at this timeof the year, but I'm good yes.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
I'm good.
I'm good.
This is fun.
We haven't actually seen eachother in years.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
This is true.
That's crazy, this is true.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
But you're all, you're adulting, listen, but I'm
doing the best I can.
I'm doing the best I can.
That's that's got to be it.
And it's weird.
Sometimes I'm like who, let usbe adults?
I'm not really sure why that wasa good idea.
But, um, when I met when I wasin college, we attended the same
church.
Uh, while I was in school inGreenville for several years got
(01:25):
to know each other and thenhave seen each other on and off
over the last few years.
So a lot of this is going to beeven me just catching up with
you, man For sure.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Absolutely.
Let's catch up.
The little girl that you knew,that little girl with the big
puffy cheeks.
You know she's around the agethat you were, wow.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Oh, I know, my God, okay.
So obviously you guys, you knowwe're in the series called
Unlearning Parenting, and sowe're talking about parenting
from different perspectives andI'm really excited about this
conversation.
I think it's going to help alot of people.
So you have um, tell us howmany children you have, how old
is she, and um, just a littlebit about you and your
(02:14):
background, some of the thingsthat you think would be
interesting to know about youall right.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Well, um, I guess, as it relates to you know the
subject at hand in the contextof what we're going to be
talking about.
I am a single mother and Ibecame a single mother very
early on.
I have a daughter who is 18years old.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Oh my gosh, I remember when Jaquita told me
Jaquita's y'all know Jaquita, sothis is when Jaquita's great
friends, and so she was sayingsomething.
She was like, yeah, christine,yeah, she was saying, yeah, she
was saying something about herdriving or something.
Yeah, and I was like whoDriving?
(03:03):
Who?
Like, who are you talking about?
That can't possibly be right.
Oh yeah, that's crazy 18.
So she's graduating this year.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Yeah, she no.
No, she's not in her first year.
I can't.
Oh, she's in her, I know it.
I know it.
We have to.
We have to get older.
I'm sorry, but I got older thanyou.
Like all things intoperspective.
I understand I understand.
So yeah, she is 18.
(03:46):
She is in her first.
She's like I'm really at homeand to me it's like who are you
Right, and and so fun it's fun.
(04:09):
It's fun and I say a little bitof me, because you know it's not
all me.
So, um, I am a collegeinstructor.
Um, I teach all thingsfoundational, um, as it relates
(04:32):
to um being your best self, umas a college student, um and
then transitioning into yourcareer and, um, hopefully, as a
person thriving in society andoh how great society is these
days and so I get to deal withthis generation.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
Oh man, Yep, oh man.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
So it's fun?
Yeah, it's fun, but that'swhere I am.
That's amazing.
That's my life right now.
That's fun, yeah, it's fun, butthat's where I am.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
That's amazing.
That's my life right now.
That's amazing.
So you're parenting thisgeneration and you're teaching
them.
So you have a.
This is a very interesting roleyou have.
So you became a single mother,all right, so you have not
always been a single mother.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Yes, but Christina was four and I don't mind
mentioning her name.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
She was four and I don't mind mentioning her name,
she was four.
So very early on, yeah, yeah,very, very early on.
Yeah, I'll be honest with you,I didn't realize it'd been that
long.
It's just been a long time.
I just you know what you mayhave gotten older.
I obviously have not, so let'schange that.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Better.
Come on, you know, becausepeople might look at this and
think that you know we're aroundthe same age.
I'm good with that.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Absolutely, I mean, aren't we so?
Absolutely so, all right, soshe was four and uh, so you and
your husband ended up getting adivorce, right, and so you were
parenting, and with the twoparent, what some would call a
traditional household, right,yeah, and then that shifted.
Here's the here's.
(06:22):
This is interesting, and I'dlove to just start here, cause I
feel like this is going to bevery relatable.
I'll be honest, I know several,you know, friends, colleagues
that have gotten divorcesrecently or, uh, possibly could
be headed that direction, right,um, and so a lot of there.
There are a lot of people, Ithink, that are going to be
(06:43):
dealing with this transition,right, and if the statistics are
correct and I think they are,last time I looked 50% of
marriages end in divorce, andthat is, for our context.
That's not just people thataren't in church, that's people
that are also in church.
They're the same right, and sothat is a reality that one of
(07:06):
two people are likely going toface.
So, if you have children, oneof two people will go from a
two-parent household to now aone-parent household.
I'd love for you to justreflect on and talk about your
experience parenting in a twoparent household and then having
(07:26):
to make that pivot.
What was that like and whatwere some of the fears you had
that may even have beenconfirmed and what are some
things that the fears you hadthat you actually shouldn't have
been a fear.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Okay, so let's start with the fear, come on, because
that fear was not as evident forme at the beginning and I think
, if I think about that, thereason for that is because it
(08:02):
was so early on is because itwas so early on, like, although
we did experience doing thisthing together, like you know,
it was right at the beginning,that's yeah, so it wasn't as
(08:32):
pronounced as it became, youknow, like when she started
school and those differentcomponents.
So at the very beginning, thefocus there was more so of how
it would affect her as a person.
Yeah, and I did not know whatthat would look like because she
was four.
Yeah, how it would affect heras a person.
Yeah, and I did not know whatthat would look like because she
was four.
Yeah, right, yeah, so justwondering that.
(09:00):
And then the fear of how Herdad would take care of her when
she was with her dad.
Yeah, that's real.
But I don't necessarily know ifthat component comes from being
not in the same household,because I have experience where
(09:25):
mothers tend to have the feelingof I can do it better.
That's real.
And you know, because you're themother right, you carry the
child, you're the nurturer, youknow we think about a whole lot
more um, so to speak.
(09:45):
Yeah, sure, and you know, we,we got all the I's and cross all
the T's.
So I, you know I don't reallyknow if that necessarily has to
do with us not being in the samehousehold or not, but it was
more pronounced um, of coursewhen you know we weren't
together and then you know shehad her moments where she was
with her dad.
You know we weren't togetherand then you know she had her
moments where she was with herdad.
You know, is he going to dowhat I do?
(10:08):
Is he going to think about thethings that I think about?
That, I believe, was the biggestcomponent.
Yeah, but I had to be reassuredand I was reassured by, you
know, several people that youhave to remember that he loves
her, he's not going to doanything to hurt her
(10:31):
intentionally.
Yes, sure, and neither am I.
But I mean, do I, did I alreadyknow how to raise a child?
No, no, I didn't.
Yeah, but you know, somethingturns on and we think that we
know it all.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
That's real yeah, that's real, I mean, I think I
think that's that is.
I think that's a fair fear,like you know.
Is he gonna do what I do?
Is he gonna, you know, is hegoing to do what I do?
Is he going, you know, is hegoing to think about what I
think about?
I think women in general havethat real fear about men, like
you know hey, you don't you knowX, y, z.
(11:13):
When did that?
When was that dispelled?
Like?
When did you feel?
Like, okay, I don't need toworry about that as much as I
thought I did is oh girl, um, Ithink, um it.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
It came and went, as in waves, that's fair oh, that's
good.
You know, in waves, um, therewere moments where I was like
okay, and then there'd bemoments where I'd be like so,
but in waves I think maturityconnects with that perspective
(12:05):
as well.
Um, and at this stage, um likeand I think that also too has to
be with the age that she is, Um, at this stage I have more
confidence in it.
(12:26):
And again, that does notnecessarily speak to who he is,
by no means.
But there's an additionaldynamic she's older.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Yes, like there are some things that she, you know,
can conceptualize her own on herown and discern on her own and
decisions on her own, and so weare just accompanying that and
coaching her through thatprocess, whereas when she was
younger we had to have a lotmore hands on, and so the
(13:09):
feelings of that was moreprominent, that fear of whether
or not you know it's going to bedone a certain way or that sort
of thing.
I think establishing trust isessential there and we don't
always do that well.
And I mean, I can honestly saythat I am a person who is very
(13:31):
hands on, and so whether or notI made a choice to trust um was
a a big factor.
Um, and then you have to allowum because again, again, there's
(13:51):
that um component of who mademe the guru.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Yeah, yeah, um, but for some strange reason, you
know, um, you know, some of us,you know, think that you know,
we know, we know how to do itbetter than the next person.
But you know, we have to learnjust like, just like they do,
and, and the perspective of that, and that that comes with
maturity as well, and I didobtain that maturity.
(14:23):
Did I always get that right?
Speaker 1 (14:26):
No, no, are you human ?
Speaker 2 (14:28):
No, Right, yeah, Right Um did I always, you know.
Keep my mouth shut.
Uh, no, I didn't.
But there were times where, umyou know, the Lord would say you
know, let him do it.
Don't say anything, um, becauseyou know, with us not being the
(14:51):
same household, he had to growand learn how to maneuver the
relationship, just like me.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
That's right, that's right so, yeah, that's right, no
, that's good.
I I I think you said a coupleof things I just want to dive
deeper into.
Sure, you said it earlier, oneof the fears was like how is
this going to affect her?
And of course you were like,cause she was four, you wouldn't
have known.
How did you handle questionsthat came up why is not?
(15:23):
Why?
Why, why aren't we living withdaddy anymore?
Why are we?
You know why?
Why don't y'all?
Why aren't you in the sameplace?
Why do I have to go to adifferent house?
Those kind of things.
What happened?
That kind of how did you handlethat and what did that?
What did that process look like?
And how can you encouragepeople who may be just coming
(15:43):
into that journey to have thoseconversations with their
children, especially as they getolder, because I would imagine
the questions change as they getmore mature?
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Facts.
So if I have to really thinkabout that, I think that that is
really going to be based on onthe child and the personality of
the child, what that childneeds, because Christina didn't
(16:14):
ask any questions for a while,we didn't really navigate and,
honestly, never have navigate ina way where you know she saw
any tension between us.
(16:34):
The only thing that you knowwas clearly evident was that we
weren't in the same house.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
Sure, yeah, that we weren't in the same house, sure.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Yeah, she did ask gosh, maybe the latter part of
elementary school, Okay, and Ihave to be honest with you, I
(17:05):
probably didn't handle that thebest way Because you know, when
you don't get the question, whenyou think you're going to get
the question, you just kind offorget that there may be a
question and then you get thequestion, you know just one
random day, so mommy, one randomday.
(17:26):
So, mommy, you're like oh youknow, why didn't I think about
how I was going to answer thisquestion?
I've never thought about how Iwas going to answer this
question, um.
And so the first time, um, Ianswered that question, it was
extremely vague.
Um, I answered that question.
(17:47):
It was extremely vague, um, andit was more on the basis of um,
we just decided that it wasbest that we not be together.
Um, what I did not say to herwas that we didn't like each
other, right, right, that sortof thing, right, um.
(18:09):
Now, when she got older, youknow, she wanted to know more
details.
Yeah, yeah, um, and honesty onthe table again.
Um, I did not share thosedetails with her.
(18:29):
I think that, depending on whatthose details are, that you
have to determine how much ofthat you're going to expose and
who's going to share that.
Is this the appropriate time,or is my child at the maturity
(18:51):
level to really understand thatAll the things?
And so, yeah, my response thenwas more so.
I think that once you get alittle bit older, that would
(19:13):
probably be a conversation thatyou and your dad can have.
Yeah, okay, but I, I'd alwaysreassured her and and she saw it
.
Now you know whether or not wehad some, we we did have
disagreements and you know sheknew those disagreements were
there, cause they were, um, youknow, stemmed around her.
(19:35):
Yeah, sure, um, but you knowshe never saw any.
She never saw, you know, any ofthat.
Um, and honestly, we neverreally had, you know, a whole
lot of knockdown drag outs.
Yeah, we never really had, youknow, a whole lot of knockdown
(19:55):
drag outs, um, because that'sjust the, the dynamic of, um,
our relationship, which peopleon the outside, you know,
sometimes think it's reallyweird.
Um, you know, we always arethere together at every doctor's
appointment.
You know all the things and youknow they would say you know,
ask the questions about yourhousehold, or y'all being
married and we're like we're nottogether, yeah, and so now
(20:18):
they're, they're uncomfortableand we're like it's fine.
It's fine, right, um, butallowing her to determine, you
know, when to have thatconversation, um with her, with
her dad, and then um watchingher response, um, because
(20:46):
oftentimes we, we miss it.
Yeah.
Um, watching her response,making sure that it's not
affecting her, you know, in acertain way, because I didn't
answer the question, yeah, yeah,maybe she wanted it to be
answered and I'm always, youknow, very full of communication
with her, but with that I, youknow, I want it to be really
(21:09):
really, really sensitive.
But honestly, ruth, I thinkthat that is going to depend on,
it has to depend on the child.
You got to know your child andknow what's appropriate, how
it's going to affect them, howit's going to touch them and
when you have that conversation,what to include in that
(21:32):
conversation to make sure thatthey understand what you're
saying to them.
And then, after that, payingattention to the response.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
That's really good and I think it leads into the
next thing I wanted to just kindof touch deeper on.
You said you have to choose totrust and, and particularly, you
know you're not, you aren'tliving together, you don't know
everything that's going on,right?
All those things you have tochoose to trust.
That's, and even in what you'retalking about, one of the
(22:08):
things on a previous or episodewe just recorded that'll
actually come out after this onewas the idea of you have to
parent children individually,right?
So we're talking about you know, you all have one child, but
you know, for those who havemultiple children, to your point
, you have to understand whothey are.
So those conversations actuallycould be different per child,
(22:31):
because every child is different, right?
Um, and with you know, with youall situation, um, both of you
are different and you're goingto communicate differently, and
so you choosing to trust isthat's such a, it's a, it's a
profound um understanding,because you really don't know
(22:56):
how he's answering the question,right, and how that
conversation goes, or about thator anything else, right,
there's a million questions shecould ask him and vice versa,
questions she could ask you.
That he's not gonna know,that's right.
But you all have to find a wayto best parent her without the
full knowledge and understandingof the individual relationships
(23:18):
with each parent.
How do you choose to trust,especially when trust has been
broken enough on some level thatyou all are no longer together?
How do you still choose totrust in this very, um, very
important situation of raising achild Like how did you get
(23:39):
there?
Speaker 2 (24:03):
yes, I am, I am not perfect by by no means um at
this point, um it at this point,and then I'm gonna start here
and then I'm gonna go back.
Okay, um, but at this point, um, with me being the primary
household, meaning that she, youknow, she lives with me, she
gets a whole lot from me becauseshe's in the house with me and
(24:25):
I am the parent who does a lotof talking.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
So you talked about us being different.
Right, I'm the one that doesall the talking.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
And typically you know the woman is the one that
does most, we're very verbal.
We're very verbal.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Yes, but I am being a teacher, but I have always been
a teacher.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
Um and so if, if Christina were here, she'd say
mommy, everything is not ateachable moment.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
Oh, man Period.
Oh man, we just literally theone, I just had the one
recording, I just did.
We talked about that because,and I can say my mom, every
moment was a teaching moment forher, every single moment.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Every one, every one.
And I tell her, I'm like oh tooshy Every moment is a teaching
moment, it kind of is.
It kind of is it really is, butwith me she's 18.
So 18 years of me being thatperson and her having that on
(25:46):
the inside of her.
She's 18.
Now she's discerning herself.
She's making decisions on herown.
Now I'm at a place of coaching.
She's discerning herself.
She's making decisions on herown.
Now I'm at a place of coaching.
That's good yeah.
And so you know, the trust isnot just with her dad, it's also
(26:07):
with her.
Speaker 1 (26:08):
That's good.
Oh, that's good, juanita, Ilike that.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
It's also with her.
Yes, oh, that's good, juanita,I like that it's also with her.
So, you know, we have a veryopen and direct you know
communication line.
I've always told her that,listen, I understand that things
you know, in life come withemotions, and so I've never, you
(26:35):
know, told her that she's hadto suppress those emotions, and
so I've never, um, you know,told her that she's had to
suppress those emotions.
Um, but what I have told her isthat I need you to be
respectful within them.
Sure, okay, you know, I expressyour anger, express your
frustration, um, but you know,don't ever find yourself talking
at me.
I understand if you're angryand you're speaking from that
emotion.
I know that's not directedtowards me.
(26:56):
When you start directing ittowards me, then we have a
problem.
So her being able toacknowledge those things,
express those things, know howshe feels in regards to what's
going on with her dad, beingable to express those things
with him, um, at this stage inher life, um, so the trust is
(27:20):
now just not with with him, butwith her, and so it's easier.
Um, we've had someconversations where you know
she's had some frustrations withher dad.
You know, every now and then,or whatever.
She is a daddy's girl with herdad.
You know, every now and then,or whatever.
She is a daddy's girl.
Though she loves her dad, yes,and rightfully so.
(27:45):
He's great with her and I'venever, never, ever said anything
different to her about him,wonderful with her, and so.
But now let's go back you knowwhen you know I'm still learning
this thing and you know, tryingto do this trust thing, god and
(28:07):
so, and that honestly, um, andthat honestly, if I be honest
with myself, that had to'm like,but that is not all the time,
(28:42):
right, it's not all the time.
You can't take one thing andsay, oh you, you, you can't be a
successful parent.
Now that has nothing to do withthat person.
Now, that has nothing to dowith that person.
That's me, wow, um, and justjust recognizing that.
(29:03):
Um, and I'm a person who willalways look at myself.
Um, and again, I'm not perfect,I'm not saying that, um, I've
got even gotten that right everytime, but I will look at myself
, um, and so me just allowinghim to parent and learn how to
(29:28):
parent, um, now, what I will sayabout him and that I will
applaud, even in his frustration.
Um, if you know he havechallenges with her.
(29:58):
You know he'll call times whereyou know there were things that
you know were challenging himabout her, and I'm sure that he
saw me, I'm sure that he saw me,and so you know that that's a,
that's another component that hehas, you know, would have to
deal with.
But you know I would, you know,talk him through those things.
(30:24):
Yeah, you know there were timesthat I'd be like I told you,
yeah, uh, huh, but he's ateacher also, um, and he's been
a teacher all of his um career,yeah, um, and so you know,
teaching and and teaching highschool students, yeah, and so
(30:47):
you know his thought was youknow, I'll just ignore her, like
I know my kids and I'm likethose kids are not your child.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
It's funny.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
Yeah, yeah and so he, he, he had to learn that, Um,
but he would consult with me, um, in his frustrations and I
would, I would talk to him aboutthat.
So that's one of the thingsthat um I say was, you know, was
good, um, he knew who toconsult with.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, um, inregards to that, and I think
(31:25):
that that also to help with thetrust component, that helped
with the trust component.
Speaker 1 (31:34):
Um, that's good um, let's talk about uh technology.
So what year?
What year was it when she wasfour?
She's 18, so what?
The year you guys got divorcedwas when?
I don't know I'm trying to dowhat is this.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
She was born in 2006, so okay, so all right 2010 2010
yeah, 11, okay, cool.
Speaker 1 (32:05):
So, um, I just want to make sure that my comments
were going to make sense, sothat, yeah, they, they are.
So, so we're, we're, we're inthe rise of the social media age
, in that, in that age, right,we're the rise of the, the
phones you know, um, and deviceage that we're all in now, um, a
comment that I've heardrecently was one of the things
(32:26):
that we, as parents, isimportant for us to unlearn is
that, um, that the phone can'tout parent you, um, so that that
is something we have to unlearnand then attack that, right,
because that's, if we're honest,uh, that we don't.
(32:48):
I think a lot of a lot ofparents who parent children in
that in that age range, yeah,can lend over teaching and
parenting to a device and notreally realize it, right, um,
and I'll, and, and, adding on tothat, when you are parenting by
yourself, you don't have thehelp every day.
(33:11):
That's got to even be more of atemptation, and I've seen it
right, I don't know how that wasfor you, but what was your
experience and trying tonegotiate that kind of like,
like, how do I parent my childwith this technology that is
available?
What is my, how do I manage andhandle that rhythm, that
(33:32):
tension?
You know, when she was youngerprobably wasn't as much as when
she was getting a little oldermiddle school.
God help them.
In middle school, middleschoolers are just the strangest
beings on earth.
They're just so strange, and so, you know, when you get to that
, to that age, and kids arehaving phones and that's, you
know they got Instagram accountsand they got all this stuff and
(33:55):
you know the world is is intheir hands.
At 10, 11, 12, 13 years old,whether you, whether what you
know, whatever.
However, wherever you were onthe spectrum, how did you make
those decisions?
How did you handle that?
And then how did you manage, uh, manage that with being a
single parent and keeping upwith it and knowing what she was
(34:17):
watching?
I think that is something thateven as more people as we
continue to parent in thesenewer, in these years, upcoming
years I mean, technology isn'tgoing anywhere.
The busyness of a parent isreal, for sure, and it's like I
don't.
I don't have time to sit thereand watch you all the time,
(34:40):
right?
So what has that been like?
What has that journey been likefor you?
Speaker 2 (34:46):
Well, christina didn't.
She didn't even get a phoneuntil like later.
She was like I'm the onlyperson that doesn't get a phone
until like later she was likeI'm the only person that doesn't
have a phone and she did.
She also did not have a TV inher room for quite some time
(35:08):
because my I don't know.
My logic was you know, I didnot.
I didn't know.
My logic was you know, I didnot.
I didn't want her to be evergoing to sleep with the.
TV on because of you know just alot of spiritual components to
(35:28):
that.
But you know, I also want herto realize that you know the
bedroom is for sleeping.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
Yeah, and and um.
I did not have a TV in mybedroom either.
Um, and to each his own.
Um.
Not judging anybody who does Um, but I just did not want my
bedroom to become, um, the placewhere I was always.
Speaker 1 (35:55):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
That's good.
No that's good Um, and so shedidn't have um a TV in her room
for quite some time, um.
But when she um got a phone, um, honestly I was just, I was
kind of green with that Um, justto be honest um as um out here
(36:22):
and exposed as as I, as I am andas I was um, because, like I
said, I have not always umtaught literal in the classroom,
but I've managed our schooltime programs and supervised
those leads and all of that.
(36:44):
So I've always been aroundstudents at all ages.
And so it's not like I didn'tknow it, didn't see it, didn't
you know ages?
And so it's not like I didn'tknow it, didn't see it, didn't
you know.
But when it was in my house Iwas kind of green and not really
sure how I wanted to navigatethat and if I wanted to put all
(37:08):
the blocks on and all of thosethings.
But if I can think about it, Iwill say, because I talked to
her a lot, knowing andunderstanding what we were
(37:31):
talking about and what wascoming out in the conversation
kind of gave me an idea of whatshe was being exposed to.
Yep became, would I say, themiddle-aged, transitioning over
(37:56):
into the teenager when theystart to withhold a little bit
Yep, Yep, and I could tellbecause I'm so in tune with her,
because, again, we talk a lot,and then I could tell when she
started to you know, I'm nottelling mommy everything, right,
(38:17):
you know.
So that's when that becamestarted to become a little bit
more challenging for me.
So then I just beefed up,beefed up my conversation.
So what are we doing?
What are we talking about?
You know what's going on up myconversation, what are we doing?
What are we talking about?
You know what's going on.
You know Um and um, just reallytrying to, to pull it in in
(38:45):
that direction.
Now, at this day and age, um,I'm, I'm, I'm a little, you know
, I'm depending on prayer.
Speaker 1 (38:50):
Yeah Amen, Amen.
That's real I'm.
I'm depending on prayer.
Yeah amen, Amen.
Speaker 2 (38:54):
That's real.
I'm depending on prayer and theHoly Spirit to reveal things
with us for her to feel like,you know, my mom gives me a
(39:15):
little bit, but trust you me,you don't have full reign, um,
and you know just when she feelslike, you know, you don't let
me do anything.
Um, there are those momentswhere it's evident that, oh, I
do let you do some things, butthere are some limitations.
(39:42):
So that that's what thatdynamic looks like.
I honestly, ruth, I have notbeen the one that put all the
blocks on and the restrictions,and I'm not the one that says
let me see your phone.
Speaker 1 (39:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Yeah, but she knows me enough to know that if I want
to know, you can find out.
I'm going to know, baby, andI've let her know in enough
instances where oh, she's forreal.
The Holy Spirit do is atattletale yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:18):
Well, and that's true , and I think you know, you said
something earlier aboutallowing you some things.
You just have to allow tohappen and you can't try to, you
know, put barriers around everysingle thing, because that's
not realistic, you're not goingto be able to manage all that
and we do have to rely on theunseen power that gives us
(40:43):
revelation, insight, and thenmanage it accordingly, because
you can't know everything.
I mean like you said, I mean,like you said, she's 18.
Like she is, she's out thereand you know, and so it's like,
okay, just out there living thebest she outside, she outside,
she outside.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
Right now, with the besties hanging out at the
school.
You know, and I put, and Isprinkled a little prayer on oh,
that's, that's all I can do.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
You know I, there's a , so so this was a.
This would have been a coupleepisodes ago, which is a great
episode where they we talk about.
I have a couple friend of mine.
They have five adult childrenand she one of the things that
(41:37):
that she said was real parentingdoesn't start until they turn
18.
And I said you have to unpackthat and she was basically like
you have to know, like youaren't.
Real parenting is really seeingwhat stuck.
And now you have to watch itright right now, you know what
(41:59):
you really did.
Speaker 2 (42:00):
I have listened, I am .
I am just like I'm barely onthe surface of that, but oh my
gosh it was such a profoundthought.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
I'd never thought about it like that.
And she's like that's what.
That's what we are, you know.
We just watching to see whatstuck, and and I think I think
it also is is a greatopportunity for those of us who
are parenting younger childrento release some of the pressure
of feeling like I got to get itright today.
(42:32):
You just won't know what yougot right, what you want.
You don't know that you wantand you can't and you can't
stress yourself out.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
Now, if it works for you, have your way, honey.
Put all the blocks on, make allthe bells and whistles pop off.
If that works for you, thengreat, yes.
But I'm telling you you are notgoing to know everything.
(43:03):
Nope, you're.
I mean it honestly, I don't.
I don't even think you can knoweverything.
When they're younger, I meanlike she's, she's 18.
Like when they're younger, Imean like she's, she's 18.
Like when they're 10, you got12, like you're not.
You're not with them every day,all day, 24, seven.
(43:28):
Nope, you don't know what thatconversation was like with her
and her friend and how itaffected um, her emotions and
and how.
Now that's gonna affect how shemaneuvers on tomorrow, correct?
You?
Don't?
You, don't you?
Speaker 1 (43:42):
don't know, you don't know, you don't know.
Speaker 2 (43:45):
And then you know, you put all the blocks and the
bells and the whistles on andsomething gets through.
God dog it.
Now what?
Speaker 1 (43:53):
Because these kids smarter than us.
They smarter.
Speaker 2 (43:57):
They can figure things out.
Speaker 1 (44:02):
And I don't think there's no teenager that doesn't
desire to rebel at some point.
Right how that happens per kid,but it happens and so you know
there are plenty of things myparents still don't know.
They don't know.
You know, like you don't know,we talk about stuff, and I mean
(44:23):
today, you know we'll be talkingabout dinner and you know now
you just talk Cause you know weall grown, we don't be thinking
about it.
You're like oh, you didn't knowthat.
I didn't know that.
It's the first time I'm hearingthat.
Well, it happened, right, youknow.
And so just that thisunlearning of you can control
everything with your childrenand what your children are
(44:44):
exposed to.
Because you make a great pointwhen you get to a point where
your parents stop being yourmain influencers and your peers
start and that's just thathappens for every kid and when,
more influential a lot of timesthan your parents are, you
realize that it's your, alsoyour peers parents, that are
influential, because whateverthey got, they got from their
(45:06):
parents come somebody, you, yousaid something there, so it's
like yo, like you your hands,unless you homeschooling your
child, doing church with home,with your child, let's y'all
shout at home 24 7.
What with you?
You can't know.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
And bless their heart , cause they gotta go outside,
they gotta go, they gotta go outthere.
Speaker 1 (45:27):
You want them to go.
You don't want to be with youall the time.
You know they wants that.
So, like you got to release it.
And yeah, I think, I think, andso I this is a principle, and
I'd love for you to unpack howyou have, um, how you have, how
you understand the differenceand how you approaching you know
, Christina, Now you saidthere's a difference between
(45:48):
that.
You went from teaching tocoaching and you being a natural
teacher.
My mom was a natural teachercoaching.
My father's a natural coach.
He's a teacher, but he also he,he, the coaching thing, he, he,
let's say he got it a littlefaster than my mama did, Um, and
so she just can't resist anopportunity to teach, right?
(46:10):
She just can't resist it eventoday.
So but that, but I think that'ssuch an important switch for
parents to understand at somepoint.
It's a coaching.
How would you define thedifference between teaching and
coaching?
Speaker 2 (46:27):
They listen and then we want them to do.
That's the teaching.
There's no other side.
Yes, okay, uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Coaching is hmm.
(46:49):
So tell me, you know, what didyou think about that?
What did you learn from that?
Do you think you'll dosomething different?
Like it's?
It's a back and forth.
Um, it allows them to be ableto actually think through their
(47:11):
own stuff.
Speaker 1 (47:12):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (47:14):
And I think that it conditions them to do it without
you.
That's good yeah, is that?
easy to do.
Sometimes it is yeah, but inother times that it just
(47:34):
switches and you want to be likeyou should do blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, and this iswhat's da, da, da, da, da, da.
And then you know, at a certainstage they're like don't you do
that, because now you'regetting ready to get this whole
wall and y'all can't evenconversate about something that
you want them to really be openwith you, um, about.
(47:56):
So there are times where Iliterally have to pause and make
sure that I'm getting ready topresent myself in a way where we
can still have the conversation.
Yes, that's good and I can getsome feedback, some feedback, um
(48:24):
.
I won't say that.
You know she is always open.
You know cause the dialogue canget to a place to where you
know she really didn't want tohear that.
Um, but I can tell it was stillreceived.
Yes, yes, um, and and andthat's, that's the.
That's the difference.
Speaker 1 (48:39):
Yeah, that is and it's, it's a.
I think what I heard in thatand I, I uh, coaching is
something that I realized, I, Ifound some I find so much value
in and I've really been leaninginto it in all aspects of my
life.
A lot of um in the last, Iwould say, about five years,
yeah, but um, asking greatquestions and being very curious
(49:02):
, like you know, replacing yourcertainty with curiosity because
you don't know.
That's good.
You know, which is hard forparents.
I can't.
I know you, You're mine, Right,Right, that's hard.
(49:23):
And and so, even if you mightknow, they don't always have to
know that you know, that youknow, let me let you find out
that I know I ain't gotta tellyou, right, just let me let you.
You can find out through ourconversation.
Um, and that idea of slowingdown, you know, and not, um, not
(49:45):
presuming, not getting backinto how you were when you were
five, like no, like you know,and I think it it just takes.
It takes practice, and I um, Iwork with teenagers and so I, I,
I get you know, I, my parentingjourney started three years ago
.
My husband, um, my, my, I had apackage deal um, come on,
(50:07):
adulting, come on adulting baby,so so, uh, I've been, you know,
kind of in that role, um, forfor about two years now two but
officially two years.
But you know, started when wewere dating and so I have I've
been working with teenagers for15 years.
(50:28):
I've been doing this, the workthat I do for 15 years with kids
, so I'm used to, to workingwith young people, uh, raising
one is totally different.
I realized that very quickly,like, oh, this is a totally
different thing.
And I also realized that myrelationships with the parents
that I have for my young peoplebegin to shift because I begin
(50:50):
to understand them better beinga parent.
Right and I also I realized thata lot of them cause we were
starting to have more candidconversations and I realized
that so many of them just didnot know how to handle their
teenager.
It's just like I don't know howto do this.
She's getting on my nerves, shewon't listen and I found myself
(51:12):
helping by saying, instead oftrying to teach and tell, coach,
ask questions.
Here's some questions you canask and just let them talk,
because a lot of the times theyjust want to talk like a lot and
you know they may not, they mayalready actually know the
(51:33):
answers that you hope that theyknow, but they just want to talk
.
Um and if you, if you kind ofbegin to give yourself, grow
yourself right and so you know,grow yourself as a parent, as a,
as a person, and and and go onthat journey of maturity
yourself, Absolutely It'll help,Right?
(51:56):
I just think that's so profound, that teaching and coaching
dynamic.
You got to make the switch atsome point, Otherwise they do
their walls go straight up.
Speaker 2 (52:05):
They do.
You know, and you got to know,and you got to know when and I
and I'll say when it may beappropriate for you to start
making that switch, because someparents might say, oh, then
they're teenagers.
You for sure you need to makethat switch.
Some parents might say, oh,then they're teenagers, you for
sure you need to make thatswitch.
No, baby.
(52:25):
No, in this day and age wetalking about eight.
When I tell you, nine years old, you better be switching, you
better switch, you're going tobe clueless when you better
switch.
Speaker 1 (52:38):
He's 10.
Our son is 10.
And I find myself having moreconversations, but my parents
didn't ever talk to me like this.
No, 10 years old, are you crazy?
The only question is my momwould ask me is how old are you?
I say, how old am I?
How old am I?
I live more life than you, butnow it is like a full on
(53:02):
conversation conversation.
You know well how are you.
Well, why do you think that?
What, what is, what's, what isthe thing that you're thinking
about right now?
Um, why, why are you upset?
You know that, like I bet, youhave to start earlier because
they're they're different andthey're they're exposed to so
much more.
Speaker 2 (53:21):
They are and they help you parent them when we get
aside, when we get off thishigh horse.
Wow, that we know it all wowstart having those conversations
.
They help you parent them.
It's almost like they're likelet me help you parent me.
Speaker 1 (53:44):
If you would shut up and let me help you parent me.
Wow God, that's so profound andI don't like that.
There's something about that.
I'm like.
I don't like that because Ididn't get to help my parents
parent me.
I don't like it at all.
I don't like it at all BecauseI didn't get to help my parents
parent me.
Okay, I don't like it at all.
I don't like it at all what youmean.
(54:04):
No, I think that's good.
So let's kind of shift to this,because, with that in mind,
what are you seeing with?
You know, from a parent'sperspective, but also a
teacher's perspective, thedifference in the, in the level
of resilience in kids today whatare you seeing?
Speaker 2 (54:33):
I have to say that my child is different because she
lives with me.
Right, right, that's right.
And you know, oftentimes Iactually I use her as an example
in class.
I teach college skills, and no,it's not the college skills
where you know, you learn how to, you know properly, write an
(54:55):
email, talk to your instructor,be advised.
It's a, it's a very rigorouscourse and it's a whole lot
deeper than that.
I've had students, I have, I'vehad students say that um, feels
like group counseling and I'mlike um, but um, student, the to
(55:18):
ruth, I'm almost nervous toeven to even, you know, dig into
it.
It's a lot, it's a lot, it's alot.
There's, there's so manyexcuses that are presented that
(55:40):
I didn't get an opportunity tomake, or or that I did.
I even know that that was athing.
And do I have to now cater toto this thing?
Um, and, and I, and I say thatand I want to be sensitive, so I
(56:05):
don't want to start popping offall the titles.
Right, right.
You know what I'm talking aboutI do.
Okay, all right, I want to besensitive to that, because some
of them are legit For sure.
No 100%.
Some of them are legit, but forwhat it's worth, honey.
(56:25):
I could have wore a t-shirtwith a whole bunch of things on
it when.
I was growing up, but I didn'tget that opportunity.
I think there's a lot morehand-holding that is demanded,
(56:53):
like they demand it.
You must do this for me, notthis one.
No, I'm not, no, I'm not.
Um, and so I think that if thethe things are not there that
(57:16):
they they, they would notsurvive because those things
allow for the handholding tohappen.
Speaker 1 (57:27):
Yes, yep.
Speaker 2 (57:29):
Yep, for sure, because they have something to
require it.
They have something to requireit.
Yes, and I know that sounds sovague, but for those of you who
will listen to this, I hope thatyou know exactly what I'm
saying without saying it.
Speaker 1 (57:48):
Well, you know, I'll say it that way, you don't have
to, okay, so.
So I think identity is soimportant and there's a, there's
a therapist.
That's that I've been, that'sjust kind of been popping up on
my feed lately.
Um, who has, I think, has, avery strong voice of um how
(58:11):
would I put it?
Very practical, uh, therapy,not, not, it's, it's, it's, it's
very, it's real, but it's, it'swhat I think, what she would
call a capacity building, andnot just going, not just healing
, but capacity building.
One of the things that I likeabout how she, she, she talks
about is, if you aren't, if yourcapacity to handle hard isn't
(58:33):
built through your healingprocess, you're not really
healing.
And so when, um, when youngpeople are diagnosed with
certain things um, have, youknow, and there's medication
involved, there's counselinginvolved, there's therapy
involved a lot of times whathappens is we, we, uh, sometimes
unknowingly, encourage it isthey become that thing, they
(58:54):
become it, you become yourdiagnosis.
So when you become that, youhave a reason to say no, I am
this, therefore, I need this.
And then it sounds like peopleare not supporting you because
they're not supporting who youare.
But the difference is you don't, you aren't anything.
You are experiencing this rightnow.
(59:17):
Right now.
If you choose to continue toexperiencing it, you can do that
, but there are ways to minimizethe experience you may not be
able to get rid of it, andthat's real and that's part of
capacity building, right?
But there is a way to minimizeit and so I think you know, and
(59:39):
those labels are arranged fromall kinds of things, all the
diagnoses you could think of,right?
I mean, that's, it's all of it.
And I think that, when it comesto parenting, the thing that I
have learned and and I think I Ione of the things I've had to
unlearn I love your thoughts onthis is that kids don't need to
(01:00:00):
struggle.
You know, struggle is a part ofbuilding capacity and I found
you know what I'm saying Like Ifound myself sometimes because
it looks too hard for him tohandle taking away the hard.
But recently, I would sayrecently, I think you know, for
a while, both of us have kind ofhad to lay back on that and I
(01:00:25):
think, because of our generation, we just we're part of that.
You know, we kind of what is it?
Work harder, work smarter, notharder.
Like I don't want to do things.
If I don't have to do the hardthing, I'm going to find another
way.
And our generation really kindof I think, is pioneering.
Pioneering that, and but that'snot a healthy way to go.
And so, particularly when itcomes to children who are, you
(01:00:49):
know, young four, five, six,seven, eight you know they don't
need to be shielded from hardthings.
You know one of his chores isto take out the trash.
Sometimes the trash gets stuck.
You know One of his chores isto take out the trash.
Sometimes the trash gets stuckyou know it's heavy and it gets
stuck.
He calls me Miss Abby.
He says Miss Abby, can you helpme?
No, I'm not going to figure outhow to get that out the trash.
(01:01:11):
Like you know, now it'sallowing him and he figures it
out.
Like I know, it's not too hardfor you, you actually don't need
my help, you just you tried,for, you know, 0.5 seconds and
now you're tired and you wantsomebody else to do it for you,
and so I've stopped helping him.
Do small things like that,right.
Or you know he has guinea pigswhich I wish he didn't, but he
(01:01:36):
has them and um, and so he's gotto clean that cage.
Well, that's, that's a.
It's like, hey, you know he andhis dad would do it.
He don't need his dad, no more,go clean the cage.
You know that kind of thing andit's, they're small, but it's
like how do you raise?
Raise a resilient child.
You don't take struggle awayfrom them.
(01:01:57):
Like he like eat hard, things,things hard.
Let them work through it, rightfacts.
Speaker 2 (01:02:03):
Now let's talk, let's dig into that, because I'm
gonna tell you, give me the hatwith the helicopter.
You know I wore the t-shirt andyou know I, I, you know
(01:02:24):
honestly, you know I'm I'mcutting off the sleeves and you
know I've made it a midriff.
Is it completely off?
It's not that I think that um,and you know, of course, if you
(01:02:45):
look that up helicopter parent,if you look at it, you know
there's a definition and thesymptoms and what it all looks
like and and and all of that Um,but it is a um, if I would
define it.
You know, in my, in my words,it's a protective tool.
Sure, and you know all parents,you know, if you love your kids
(01:03:06):
, you want to protect themAbsolutely.
But you know there comes a timewhere you need to determine
okay, am I enabling them,because you know they may come
across a situation where you'renot there.
(01:03:28):
Yes To you know, pull them outof that.
And then, ok, let's go back tothe whole coaching thing.
Speaker 1 (01:03:35):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (01:03:36):
OK, when you're coaching and you're having that
dialogue now, they can talkthrough that thing by themselves
.
Yes.
Yes, which is another reasonwhy switching over to that side
of parenting is best you know,so you can feel more comfortable
with them being able to makethose decisions on their own.
(01:04:00):
So, yeah, that whole protectivething is is is something and um,
I could, you know, I couldbreak down and cry oh my gosh,
she's going, she's driving anhour, she's gonna be gone always
.
Like this is what I'mexperiencing, like right now, in
this present moment, I don'twant to go hang out with my
(01:04:23):
friends at school.
You know she's, she's here,she's going to one of the
technical schools here and she'sgot some friends that went away
.
Yep, there you go, and so youknow she wants to hang out.
I'm a college student.
Yes, you are.
I guess I got to.
I guess you know.
First couple of times it was no, yeah, no.
(01:04:44):
That's why I'm a collegestudent, if I wasn't here, you
wouldn't even know yeah.
Right, and you know I have totake these blows that she throws
at me we have theseconversations, and so I have
cultivated this type of dialogue, and so we're at a place where,
(01:05:06):
you know, although she sayssome things that I don't like, I
have to ingest them and youknow I'm like.
You're right, you know, just,you know, make sure don't forget
who you are, watch your back,be aware of your surroundings.
You know, make sure don'tforget who you are, watch your
back, be aware of yoursurroundings.
You know, all these things Ithrow out there so I can make
sure that they're at theforefront of her mind, and then
(01:05:29):
I let her go, and then I sendout the APB to everybody.
Hey, pray, pray pray.
Speaker 1 (01:05:34):
She going out of town .
We're just an hour away, child.
She ain't there, it's okay.
That is hour away to ask you ifit's okay.
That is, that's real.
Oh, yeah, that's real.
But you know, I think there's adifference between protecting
from harm and then protectingfrom something that's hard why?
You know what I mean?
Yeah, that's different, that'sdifferent.
(01:05:56):
I mean we should be protectingthem from harm, like well, no,
if I feel like something's gonnabe dangerous for you, I'm not
gonna let you do that.
You know, now if I feel likeit's gonna be hard and I'll
think a lot of times like the um, and and I, and let me say this
I think the the the thing thatfrustrates me about younger, the
younger generation is sometimesthey don't see the difference
(01:06:20):
in harm and hard.
It's like, yeah, you know whatI'm saying.
Hard is not harmful and, forwhatever reason, that narrative
has been in people's, in a lotof their brains.
It's like if it's hard it'sgoing to hurt me and and, and
that's just not true.
It's just not true.
And um, and so I, I think it'sreally, I think it's so
(01:06:43):
important, but I see, you knowthe importance and I'm grateful
for my parents and and, and thenthey took no heart away from us
.
I mean that hard was expected.
Right, it was like quit wedon't say the word quit, we
don't say the word can't.
That's just what we grew upwith, right, like that's.
We don't do that.
So, um, figure it out and that,and so watch, like the
(01:07:04):
intentionality of parenting ayounger child now, when that's
not the norm for a lot of kids.
Right, it's tough.
You said you use her as anexample, so that that that must
mean that she's different thanwhat you see.
Speaker 2 (01:07:51):
Absolutely she is, and I'm grateful for that.
But again, you know she has hadme, she's had her experiences,
you know she's got her speak to.
You know what um.
You know what my students haveum, you know at home.
But you know I do know thatstill that you know they're
(01:08:14):
growing up in this day and agethat maybe you know the people,
the village that they havearound them.
Um is not saying, hey, thatdoesn't have to be you, you
don't have to evolve into that,you don't have to melt into that
mold.
(01:08:34):
Um, you know you can be thisand you can be that, and, and
that's what you know, my classis all about Um, and so you know
we do a lot of you know myclass is all about, and so you
know we do.
a lot of you know debunking anddispelling myths and you know
having dialogue.
How can you, how would you?
Now that you know this, this iswhat you need to do.
Let's throw these nuggets outhere.
(01:08:54):
You know, and it's the samething that I do at home, so, yes
, I can use her as an examplefor those, for those instances.
Speaker 1 (01:09:06):
Yeah, that's good.
I'd like to end on this becauseI think it's just an
interesting question.
We kind of you know you said ityour child could often teach
you how to parent them, which issuch a humbling God.
That's such a humbling idea, ohGod like you got to be kidding.
Um, but it's true, you know, uh, and so what else has your, has
(01:09:29):
your child?
Has Christina taught you abouteither life, love yourself, that
you didn't see coming?
Speaker 2 (01:09:39):
that, uh, that I would have to, um, learn some
things about myself that Ineeded to fix, because she would
(01:10:03):
exude those things.
She was doing those things, wow, and God would say that's you,
oh, oh, yeah.
And you hear people around yousay your kids will show you you,
oh, they're going to show youyou.
(01:10:25):
You know, you don't reallyrealize that you know, and then
people think you know, that'syou know, that's the cutesy
little stuff like how they walkor how they smile.
You know not your attitude and,uh, your stubbornness and, um,
(01:10:50):
you know those sorts of things,um, but that that that's what
stands out the most Um, out themost Um, and me being receptive,
uh, didn't come quickly, youknow, I would recognize.
(01:11:12):
Ooh, that's me, wow, and just,you know, move past this, move
on, yeah, um, but now I'm like,ooh, I ain't fix that.
You know that's not necessarilya good trait to have yeah yeah
(01:11:34):
and she, you know, at times willsay well, mommy, you want me to
do XYZ, but you do, and I donot say, well, I'm the parent,
(01:11:54):
right, so that doesn't matter.
I only say that when she's beingdisrespectful and her tone or
she's talking at me, I'm likewait a minute, yeah right, you
don't get to talk to me that way, yep, but I don't ever tell her
that it's okay for me to methat way, yep, but I don't ever
tell her that it's okay for meto do that, mm and you.
(01:12:19):
But you can't, I don't do that,whew.
Now I might.
I might all of a sudden turninto a kid and be like well, I
meant something different,uh-huh, and.
And she'll be like but it's thesame, mommy, but it's, but it's
the same.
And I legit respect that,because, guess what, that's the
(01:12:46):
lord talking to me that's right.
Speaker 1 (01:12:47):
That, that's right, that's right.
Speaker 2 (01:12:51):
Um, and if and if you're open to that, um, then
you receive that rebuke.
Um yeah, and you know that Idon't always say you're right,
no, I don't always say you'reright, but I but I do go and
reflect.
Speaker 1 (01:13:10):
Yeah, that's, and that's beautiful because it is
the Lord talking, and it's alsoa reflection of what you've put
in her talking, because the factthat she has that kind of
understanding and can respond inthat way and say and it's a
reflection of your relationship,and that's something you
instilled in her Right Like, andthat's so, that that's
something you instilled in herright like, and that's so that
(01:13:31):
that's that's really interesting.
Um, golly, that's uh, it,that's yep it's heavy.
It's heavy, that's heavy, that'sheavy especially when you
you're looking, you're lookingat someone who you've raised and
you're you're seeing how yourdysfunction has now.
You're watching it and it'slike, oh, you know, and now it's
(01:13:56):
now you have a decision, whatam I going to do?
Because I don't know.
You see how that can play out.
You know, I would imagine it'sa reflection.
You kind of reflect and you'relike I see how that dysfunction
has played out in my life.
I don't want it to play out inhers, right, right.
And so the only way I can, thebest way, let me say the only
(01:14:18):
the best way for us to addressthis, is not just for me to tell
her not to do it, but for me tochange.
Speaker 2 (01:14:23):
Yep, for me to change .
There have even been moments,ruth, where I want to protect
her in situations or scenarioswhere I have to, like, really
like, mute myself, like to notsay to her hey, don't do this,
(01:14:45):
hey, don't you know, because Iam now projecting onto her my
experience and I don't know whather experience is going to be.
And again, that's theprotecting part.
Yes, but that can be damaging.
(01:15:05):
Yes, if I'm projectingsomething that's not that I
don't even know, is there?
Yes, now I'm making her thinkabout stuff that she probably
wasn't even thinking about YepWow.
Wow.
So, but it takes for you tohave to think those, those.
And when I say think it doesn'ttake, it doesn't take a long
(01:15:26):
time.
You know, you think that it'sgoing to take you five or 10
minutes to do that.
No, I'm talking about just nothaving knee jerk reactions.
Yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (01:15:37):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (01:15:37):
Just don't have a knee jerk reaction.
Just stop, Wait a minute andthink about I'm not going to say
anything.
Have a good one.
Be, safe.
Wow, now I may pray.
You know, lord lord, pleasedon't let her have, you know,
the same experience that I havehad, or help her to be able to
deal with it better than I did.
(01:15:58):
Um, you know that sort of thingum, but I don't.
I try my best not to project ummy experiences um to her that's
good, um, all right.
Speaker 1 (01:16:12):
So is there anything else that you would encourage?
You know what's one other thingyou would encourage that we
haven't talked about, orsomething that's come to your
mind, or anything you want todouble down on, for, um, parents
that you feel like haveexperienced parents in the way
you have need to unlearn um,this may be a double down and it
(01:16:41):
may just be based on what Ijust said, um, and kind of tying
in some other things.
Speaker 2 (01:16:44):
But, um, and this would be for those who, um are,
are, like you know, deep intoyou know, single parenthood, or,
or just just now coming into it, um, that, um, I would say and
this might be a hard pill toswallow, but always keeping at
(01:17:09):
the forefront of your mind thatyou did not write the book on
parenting and you do not know itall and, and, if their other,
the other parent is in theirlife, allow them to parent.
(01:17:32):
They love them, they love theirchildren.
It may not look like what youwant their parenting to look
like, but allow them to parent.
You know, I mean, like I said,I didn't, I didn't always get it
(01:17:57):
right and you know there's nota whole lot of that particular
component happening now becauseagain, she's older, Um, but
there are moments where I may,you know, not get it right now,
but allow them to learn justlike you are, wow, wow.
Speaker 1 (01:18:19):
I think a lot of people might need to hear that,
because that's tough.
Speaker 2 (01:18:23):
It is and it's hard.
I mean, I'm not saying thatthat's easy because it was hard
as crap to do that and that'seasy because it was hard as crap
to do that.
But beyond a shadow of a doubt,that man loves his daughter,
yeah, and I know that he wouldnever do anything to
intentionally hurt her.
(01:18:44):
You know ups and downs, hisquorums, his idiosyncrasies, all
of his flaws, whatever.
Whatever Guess what.
I got some too.
I have some too, and my crapcan mess her up just like his.
Speaker 1 (01:18:58):
Just like his.
Come on, that's real, yep.
Speaker 2 (01:19:02):
That's it, so I'm not any better.
Speaker 1 (01:19:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:19:07):
So, yeah, allow the other one to parent.
You know, bite your tongueevery now and then watch them
work.
Yeah, yeah, you might.
You might end up respecting howthey handled that situation.
Speaker 1 (01:19:20):
Yeah, yeah, and I, and just just just to make it
even more universal, even whenyou're in, you're married and
doing it, you gotta do the samething, because, lord knows,
sometimes I'll be like what areyou doing?
And he got to be like let mework.
And it is humbling.
It's like I wouldn't do it likethat.
(01:19:41):
Why are you doing it like that?
It's like, yeah, because I'mdifferent.
Speaker 2 (01:19:45):
That starts when they're infants.
Believe it or not, that startswhen they're infants.
I would not let that child cryherself to sleep.
And he was like, let her cry, Idon't want to let her cry, I
don't want to let her cry, and Iwish I had of.
I wish I had of, because guesswhat the result of that was?
(01:20:06):
See, once she was able to getup out of her bed, instead of
crying she would get up out ofher bed and she would come into
our room and we decided that wewere not going to allow her to
lay in her bed until she went tosleep.
Do you know how crazy we were,lack of sleep, and if I would
(01:20:43):
have just yielded to that andjust suffered through it because
he could deal with it, and Ijust didn't want to do it
because that's the baby, youknow, that's the baby.
And that's just a small example, but, um, a good one, I think.
Speaker 1 (01:21:02):
Absolutely no.
I love that.
That.
That helps me, even like um man, thank you, Thank you, thank
you for coming.
This was so much fun I love.
Thank you for being transparent,thank you for your honesty, for
your wisdom, and I really hopethat it helps the people that
needs to help, and this is great.
(01:21:25):
So, y'all, if you thought thiswas valuable don't keep it to
yourself, share it.
Make sure to subscribe.
Comment um, let us know what,what you're thinking, let us
know what you're learning, uh,and unlearning, and we're trying
to grow the community, so wewant more people like you, uh,
so, so help us, help us reachthem.
Um, all right, so let's keep onlearning together, folks, folks
(01:21:50):
, so that we can experience morefreedom, and we will see y'all
next time.
Peace.
Thank you once again forlistening to the Unlearned
Podcast.
We would love to hear yourcomments and your feedback about
the episode.
Feel free to follow us onFacebook and Instagram and to
(01:22:12):
let us know what you think.
We're looking forward to thenext time when we are able to
unlearn together to move forwardtowards freedom.
See you then.
hello everybody and welcome once again to the
unlearned podcast.
I'm your host with abigail akara, and this is the podcast that
is helping you gain the courageto change your mind so that you
can experience more freedom.
And I have a special guest inthe building today, uh, and I am
(00:26):
so grateful that she chose todo this.
It's her first podcast, y'all,so be kind, okay, be nice, don't
give it too hard of a time.
Uh, juanita, how you doing?
Speaker 2 (00:36):
hey, hey, hey, I am doing well fighting some
allergies and it's a littlewarmer than I'd like for it to
be, this atmosphere at this timeof the year, but I'm good yes.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
I'm good.
I'm good.
This is fun.
We haven't actually seen eachother in years.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
This is true.
That's crazy, this is true.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
But you're all, you're adulting, listen, but I'm
doing the best I can.
I'm doing the best I can.
That's that's got to be it.
And it's weird.
Sometimes I'm like who, let usbe adults?
I'm not really sure why that wasa good idea.
But, um, when I met when I wasin college, we attended the same
church.
Uh, while I was in school inGreenville for several years got
(01:25):
to know each other and thenhave seen each other on and off
over the last few years.
So a lot of this is going to beeven me just catching up with
you, man For sure.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Absolutely.
Let's catch up.
The little girl that you knew,that little girl with the big
puffy cheeks.
You know she's around the agethat you were, wow.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Oh, I know, my God, okay.
So obviously you guys, you knowwe're in the series called
Unlearning Parenting, and sowe're talking about parenting
from different perspectives andI'm really excited about this
conversation.
I think it's going to help alot of people.
So you have um, tell us howmany children you have, how old
is she, and um, just a littlebit about you and your
(02:14):
background, some of the thingsthat you think would be
interesting to know about youall right.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Well, um, I guess, as it relates to you know the
subject at hand in the contextof what we're going to be
talking about.
I am a single mother and Ibecame a single mother very
early on.
I have a daughter who is 18years old.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Oh my gosh, I remember when Jaquita told me
Jaquita's y'all know Jaquita, sothis is when Jaquita's great
friends, and so she was sayingsomething.
She was like, yeah, christine,yeah, she was saying, yeah, she
was saying something about herdriving or something.
Yeah, and I was like whoDriving?
(03:03):
Who?
Like, who are you talking about?
That can't possibly be right.
Oh yeah, that's crazy 18.
So she's graduating this year.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Yeah, she no.
No, she's not in her first year.
I can't.
Oh, she's in her, I know it.
I know it.
We have to.
We have to get older.
I'm sorry, but I got older thanyou.
Like all things intoperspective.
I understand I understand.
So yeah, she is 18.
(03:46):
She is in her first.
She's like I'm really at homeand to me it's like who are you
Right, and and so fun it's fun.
(04:09):
It's fun and I say a little bitof me, because you know it's not
all me.
So, um, I am a collegeinstructor.
Um, I teach all thingsfoundational, um, as it relates
(04:32):
to um being your best self, umas a college student, um and
then transitioning into yourcareer and, um, hopefully, as a
person thriving in society andoh how great society is these
days and so I get to deal withthis generation.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
Oh man, Yep, oh man.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
So it's fun?
Yeah, it's fun, but that'swhere I am.
That's amazing.
That's my life right now.
That's fun, yeah, it's fun, butthat's where I am.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
That's amazing.
That's my life right now.
That's amazing.
So you're parenting thisgeneration and you're teaching
them.
So you have a.
This is a very interesting roleyou have.
So you became a single mother,all right, so you have not
always been a single mother.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Yes, but Christina was four and I don't mind
mentioning her name.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
She was four and I don't mind mentioning her name,
she was four.
So very early on, yeah, yeah,very, very early on.
Yeah, I'll be honest with you,I didn't realize it'd been that
long.
It's just been a long time.
I just you know what you mayhave gotten older.
I obviously have not, so let'schange that.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Better.
Come on, you know, becausepeople might look at this and
think that you know we're aroundthe same age.
I'm good with that.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Absolutely, I mean, aren't we so?
Absolutely so, all right, soshe was four and uh, so you and
your husband ended up getting adivorce, right, and so you were
parenting, and with the twoparent, what some would call a
traditional household, right,yeah, and then that shifted.
Here's the here's.
(06:22):
This is interesting, and I'dlove to just start here, cause I
feel like this is going to bevery relatable.
I'll be honest, I know several,you know, friends, colleagues
that have gotten divorcesrecently or, uh, possibly could
be headed that direction, right,um, and so a lot of there.
There are a lot of people, Ithink, that are going to be
(06:43):
dealing with this transition,right, and if the statistics are
correct and I think they are,last time I looked 50% of
marriages end in divorce, andthat is, for our context.
That's not just people thataren't in church, that's people
that are also in church.
They're the same right, and sothat is a reality that one of
(07:06):
two people are likely going toface.
So, if you have children, oneof two people will go from a
two-parent household to now aone-parent household.
I'd love for you to justreflect on and talk about your
experience parenting in a twoparent household and then having
(07:26):
to make that pivot.
What was that like and whatwere some of the fears you had
that may even have beenconfirmed and what are some
things that the fears you hadthat you actually shouldn't have
been a fear.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Okay, so let's start with the fear, come on, because
that fear was not as evident forme at the beginning and I think
, if I think about that, thereason for that is because it
(08:02):
was so early on is because itwas so early on, like, although
we did experience doing thisthing together, like you know,
it was right at the beginning,that's yeah, so it wasn't as
(08:32):
pronounced as it became, youknow, like when she started
school and those differentcomponents.
So at the very beginning, thefocus there was more so of how
it would affect her as a person.
Yeah, and I did not know whatthat would look like because she
was four.
Yeah, how it would affect heras a person.
Yeah, and I did not know whatthat would look like because she
was four.
Yeah, right, yeah, so justwondering that.
(09:00):
And then the fear of how Herdad would take care of her when
she was with her dad.
Yeah, that's real.
But I don't necessarily know ifthat component comes from being
not in the same household,because I have experience where
(09:25):
mothers tend to have the feelingof I can do it better.
That's real.
And you know, because you're themother right, you carry the
child, you're the nurturer, youknow we think about a whole lot
more um, so to speak.
(09:45):
Yeah, sure, and you know, we,we got all the I's and cross all
the T's.
So I, you know I don't reallyknow if that necessarily has to
do with us not being in the samehousehold or not, but it was
more pronounced um, of coursewhen you know we weren't
together and then you know shehad her moments where she was
with her dad.
You know we weren't togetherand then you know she had her
moments where she was with herdad.
You know, is he going to dowhat I do?
(10:08):
Is he going to think about thethings that I think about?
That, I believe, was the biggestcomponent.
Yeah, but I had to be reassuredand I was reassured by, you
know, several people that youhave to remember that he loves
her, he's not going to doanything to hurt her
(10:31):
intentionally.
Yes, sure, and neither am I.
But I mean, do I, did I alreadyknow how to raise a child?
No, no, I didn't.
Yeah, but you know, somethingturns on and we think that we
know it all.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
That's real yeah, that's real, I mean, I think I
think that's that is.
I think that's a fair fear,like you know.
Is he gonna do what I do?
Is he gonna, you know, is hegoing to do what I do?
Is he going, you know, is hegoing to think about what I
think about?
I think women in general havethat real fear about men, like
you know hey, you don't you knowX, y, z.
(11:13):
When did that?
When was that dispelled?
Like?
When did you feel?
Like, okay, I don't need toworry about that as much as I
thought I did is oh girl, um, Ithink, um it.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
It came and went, as in waves, that's fair oh, that's
good.
You know, in waves, um, therewere moments where I was like
okay, and then there'd bemoments where I'd be like so,
but in waves I think maturityconnects with that perspective
(12:05):
as well.
Um, and at this stage, um likeand I think that also too has to
be with the age that she is, Um, at this stage I have more
confidence in it.
(12:26):
And again, that does notnecessarily speak to who he is,
by no means.
But there's an additionaldynamic she's older.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Yes, like there are some things that she, you know,
can conceptualize her own on herown and discern on her own and
decisions on her own, and so weare just accompanying that and
coaching her through thatprocess, whereas when she was
younger we had to have a lotmore hands on, and so the
(13:09):
feelings of that was moreprominent, that fear of whether
or not you know it's going to bedone a certain way or that sort
of thing.
I think establishing trust isessential there and we don't
always do that well.
And I mean, I can honestly saythat I am a person who is very
(13:31):
hands on, and so whether or notI made a choice to trust um was
a a big factor.
Um, and then you have to allowum because again, again, there's
(13:51):
that um component of who mademe the guru.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Yeah, yeah, um, but for some strange reason, you
know, um, you know, some of us,you know, think that you know,
we know, we know how to do itbetter than the next person.
But you know, we have to learnjust like, just like they do,
and, and the perspective of that, and that that comes with
maturity as well, and I didobtain that maturity.
(14:23):
Did I always get that right?
Speaker 1 (14:26):
No, no, are you human ?
Speaker 2 (14:28):
No, Right, yeah, Right Um did I always, you know.
Keep my mouth shut.
Uh, no, I didn't.
But there were times where, umyou know, the Lord would say you
know, let him do it.
Don't say anything, um, becauseyou know, with us not being the
(14:51):
same household, he had to growand learn how to maneuver the
relationship, just like me.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
That's right, that's right so, yeah, that's right, no
, that's good.
I I I think you said a coupleof things I just want to dive
deeper into.
Sure, you said it earlier, oneof the fears was like how is
this going to affect her?
And of course you were like,cause she was four, you wouldn't
have known.
How did you handle questionsthat came up why is not?
(15:23):
Why?
Why, why aren't we living withdaddy anymore?
Why are we?
You know why?
Why don't y'all?
Why aren't you in the sameplace?
Why do I have to go to adifferent house?
Those kind of things.
What happened?
That kind of how did you handlethat and what did that?
What did that process look like?
And how can you encouragepeople who may be just coming
(15:43):
into that journey to have thoseconversations with their
children, especially as they getolder, because I would imagine
the questions change as they getmore mature?
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Facts.
So if I have to really thinkabout that, I think that that is
really going to be based on onthe child and the personality of
the child, what that childneeds, because Christina didn't
(16:14):
ask any questions for a while,we didn't really navigate and,
honestly, never have navigate ina way where you know she saw
any tension between us.
(16:34):
The only thing that you knowwas clearly evident was that we
weren't in the same house.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
Sure, yeah, that we weren't in the same house, sure.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Yeah, she did ask gosh, maybe the latter part of
elementary school, Okay, and Ihave to be honest with you, I
(17:05):
probably didn't handle that thebest way Because you know, when
you don't get the question, whenyou think you're going to get
the question, you just kind offorget that there may be a
question and then you get thequestion, you know just one
random day, so mommy, one randomday.
(17:26):
So, mommy, you're like oh youknow, why didn't I think about
how I was going to answer thisquestion?
I've never thought about how Iwas going to answer this
question, um.
And so the first time, um, Ianswered that question, it was
extremely vague.
Um, I answered that question.
(17:47):
It was extremely vague, um, andit was more on the basis of um,
we just decided that it wasbest that we not be together.
Um, what I did not say to herwas that we didn't like each
other, right, right, that sortof thing, right, um.
(18:09):
Now, when she got older, youknow, she wanted to know more
details.
Yeah, yeah, um, and honesty onthe table again.
Um, I did not share thosedetails with her.
(18:29):
I think that, depending on whatthose details are, that you
have to determine how much ofthat you're going to expose and
who's going to share that.
Is this the appropriate time,or is my child at the maturity
(18:51):
level to really understand thatAll the things?
And so, yeah, my response thenwas more so.
I think that once you get alittle bit older, that would
(19:13):
probably be a conversation thatyou and your dad can have.
Yeah, okay, but I, I'd alwaysreassured her and and she saw it
.
Now you know whether or not wehad some, we we did have
disagreements and you know sheknew those disagreements were
there, cause they were, um, youknow, stemmed around her.
(19:35):
Yeah, sure, um, but you knowshe never saw any.
She never saw, you know, any ofthat.
Um, and honestly, we neverreally had, you know, a whole
lot of knockdown drag outs.
Yeah, we never really had, youknow, a whole lot of knockdown
(19:55):
drag outs, um, because that'sjust the, the dynamic of, um,
our relationship, which peopleon the outside, you know,
sometimes think it's reallyweird.
Um, you know, we always arethere together at every doctor's
appointment.
You know all the things and youknow they would say you know,
ask the questions about yourhousehold, or y'all being
married and we're like we're nottogether, yeah, and so now
(20:18):
they're, they're uncomfortableand we're like it's fine.
It's fine, right, um, butallowing her to determine, you
know, when to have thatconversation, um with her, with
her dad, and then um watchingher response, um, because
(20:46):
oftentimes we, we miss it.
Yeah.
Um, watching her response,making sure that it's not
affecting her, you know, in acertain way, because I didn't
answer the question, yeah, yeah,maybe she wanted it to be
answered and I'm always, youknow, very full of communication
with her, but with that I, youknow, I want it to be really
(21:09):
really, really sensitive.
But honestly, ruth, I thinkthat that is going to depend on,
it has to depend on the child.
You got to know your child andknow what's appropriate, how
it's going to affect them, howit's going to touch them and
when you have that conversation,what to include in that
(21:32):
conversation to make sure thatthey understand what you're
saying to them.
And then, after that, payingattention to the response.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
That's really good and I think it leads into the
next thing I wanted to just kindof touch deeper on.
You said you have to choose totrust and, and particularly, you
know you're not, you aren'tliving together, you don't know
everything that's going on,right?
All those things you have tochoose to trust.
That's, and even in what you'retalking about, one of the
(22:08):
things on a previous or episodewe just recorded that'll
actually come out after this onewas the idea of you have to
parent children individually,right?
So we're talking about you know, you all have one child, but
you know, for those who havemultiple children, to your point
, you have to understand whothey are.
So those conversations actuallycould be different per child,
(22:31):
because every child is different, right?
Um, and with you know, with youall situation, um, both of you
are different and you're goingto communicate differently, and
so you choosing to trust isthat's such a, it's a, it's a
profound um understanding,because you really don't know
(22:56):
how he's answering the question,right, and how that
conversation goes, or about thator anything else, right,
there's a million questions shecould ask him and vice versa,
questions she could ask you.
That he's not gonna know,that's right.
But you all have to find a wayto best parent her without the
full knowledge and understandingof the individual relationships
(23:18):
with each parent.
How do you choose to trust,especially when trust has been
broken enough on some level thatyou all are no longer together?
How do you still choose totrust in this very, um, very
important situation of raising achild Like how did you get
(23:39):
there?
Speaker 2 (24:03):
yes, I am, I am not perfect by by no means um at
this point, um it at this point,and then I'm gonna start here
and then I'm gonna go back.
Okay, um, but at this point, um, with me being the primary
household, meaning that she, youknow, she lives with me, she
gets a whole lot from me becauseshe's in the house with me and
(24:25):
I am the parent who does a lotof talking.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
So you talked about us being different.
Right, I'm the one that doesall the talking.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
And typically you know the woman is the one that
does most, we're very verbal.
We're very verbal.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Yes, but I am being a teacher, but I have always been
a teacher.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
Um and so if, if Christina were here, she'd say
mommy, everything is not ateachable moment.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
Oh, man Period.
Oh man, we just literally theone, I just had the one
recording, I just did.
We talked about that because,and I can say my mom, every
moment was a teaching moment forher, every single moment.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Every one, every one.
And I tell her, I'm like oh tooshy Every moment is a teaching
moment, it kind of is.
It kind of is it really is, butwith me she's 18.
So 18 years of me being thatperson and her having that on
(25:46):
the inside of her.
She's 18.
Now she's discerning herself.
She's making decisions on herown.
Now I'm at a place of coaching.
She's discerning herself.
She's making decisions on herown.
Now I'm at a place of coaching.
That's good yeah.
And so you know, the trust isnot just with her dad, it's also
(26:07):
with her.
Speaker 1 (26:08):
That's good.
Oh, that's good, juanita, Ilike that.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
It's also with her.
Yes, oh, that's good, juanita,I like that it's also with her.
So, you know, we have a veryopen and direct you know
communication line.
I've always told her that,listen, I understand that things
you know, in life come withemotions, and so I've never, you
(26:35):
know, told her that she's hadto suppress those emotions, and
so I've never, um, you know,told her that she's had to
suppress those emotions.
Um, but what I have told her isthat I need you to be
respectful within them.
Sure, okay, you know, I expressyour anger, express your
frustration, um, but you know,don't ever find yourself talking
at me.
I understand if you're angryand you're speaking from that
emotion.
I know that's not directedtowards me.
(26:56):
When you start directing ittowards me, then we have a
problem.
So her being able toacknowledge those things,
express those things, know howshe feels in regards to what's
going on with her dad, beingable to express those things
with him, um, at this stage inher life, um, so the trust is
(27:20):
now just not with with him, butwith her, and so it's easier.
Um, we've had someconversations where you know
she's had some frustrations withher dad.
You know, every now and then,or whatever.
She is a daddy's girl with herdad.
You know, every now and then,or whatever.
She is a daddy's girl.
Though she loves her dad, yes,and rightfully so.
(27:45):
He's great with her and I'venever, never, ever said anything
different to her about him,wonderful with her, and so.
But now let's go back you knowwhen you know I'm still learning
this thing and you know, tryingto do this trust thing, god and
(28:07):
so, and that honestly, um, andthat honestly, if I be honest
with myself, that had to'm like,but that is not all the time,
(28:42):
right, it's not all the time.
You can't take one thing andsay, oh you, you, you can't be a
successful parent.
Now that has nothing to do withthat person.
Now, that has nothing to dowith that person.
That's me, wow, um, and justjust recognizing that.
(29:03):
Um, and I'm a person who willalways look at myself.
Um, and again, I'm not perfect,I'm not saying that, um, I've
got even gotten that right everytime, but I will look at myself
, um, and so me just allowinghim to parent and learn how to
(29:28):
parent, um, now, what I will sayabout him and that I will
applaud, even in his frustration.
Um, if you know he havechallenges with her.
(29:58):
You know he'll call times whereyou know there were things that
you know were challenging himabout her, and I'm sure that he
saw me, I'm sure that he saw me,and so you know that that's a,
that's another component that hehas, you know, would have to
deal with.
But you know I would, you know,talk him through those things.
(30:24):
Yeah, you know there were timesthat I'd be like I told you,
yeah, uh, huh, but he's ateacher also, um, and he's been
a teacher all of his um career,yeah, um, and so you know,
teaching and and teaching highschool students, yeah, and so
(30:47):
you know his thought was youknow, I'll just ignore her, like
I know my kids and I'm likethose kids are not your child.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
It's funny.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
Yeah, yeah and so he, he, he had to learn that, Um,
but he would consult with me, um, in his frustrations and I
would, I would talk to him aboutthat.
So that's one of the thingsthat um I say was, you know, was
good, um, he knew who toconsult with.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, um, inregards to that, and I think
(31:25):
that that also to help with thetrust component, that helped
with the trust component.
Speaker 1 (31:34):
Um, that's good um, let's talk about uh technology.
So what year?
What year was it when she wasfour?
She's 18, so what?
The year you guys got divorcedwas when?
I don't know I'm trying to dowhat is this.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
She was born in 2006, so okay, so all right 2010 2010
yeah, 11, okay, cool.
Speaker 1 (32:05):
So, um, I just want to make sure that my comments
were going to make sense, sothat, yeah, they, they are.
So, so we're, we're, we're inthe rise of the social media age
, in that, in that age, right,we're the rise of the, the
phones you know, um, and deviceage that we're all in now, um, a
comment that I've heardrecently was one of the things
(32:26):
that we, as parents, isimportant for us to unlearn is
that, um, that the phone can'tout parent you, um, so that that
is something we have to unlearnand then attack that, right,
because that's, if we're honest,uh, that we don't.
(32:48):
I think a lot of a lot ofparents who parent children in
that in that age range, yeah,can lend over teaching and
parenting to a device and notreally realize it, right, um,
and I'll, and, and, adding on tothat, when you are parenting by
yourself, you don't have thehelp every day.
(33:11):
That's got to even be more of atemptation, and I've seen it
right, I don't know how that wasfor you, but what was your
experience and trying tonegotiate that kind of like,
like, how do I parent my childwith this technology that is
available?
What is my, how do I manage andhandle that rhythm, that
(33:32):
tension?
You know, when she was youngerprobably wasn't as much as when
she was getting a little oldermiddle school.
God help them.
In middle school, middleschoolers are just the strangest
beings on earth.
They're just so strange, and so, you know, when you get to that
, to that age, and kids arehaving phones and that's, you
know they got Instagram accountsand they got all this stuff and
(33:55):
you know the world is is intheir hands.
At 10, 11, 12, 13 years old,whether you, whether what you
know, whatever.
However, wherever you were onthe spectrum, how did you make
those decisions?
How did you handle that?
And then how did you manage, uh, manage that with being a
single parent and keeping upwith it and knowing what she was
(34:17):
watching?
I think that is something thateven as more people as we
continue to parent in thesenewer, in these years, upcoming
years I mean, technology isn'tgoing anywhere.
The busyness of a parent isreal, for sure, and it's like I
don't.
I don't have time to sit thereand watch you all the time,
(34:40):
right?
So what has that been like?
What has that journey been likefor you?
Speaker 2 (34:46):
Well, christina didn't.
She didn't even get a phoneuntil like later.
She was like I'm the onlyperson that doesn't get a phone
until like later she was likeI'm the only person that doesn't
have a phone and she did.
She also did not have a TV inher room for quite some time
(35:08):
because my I don't know.
My logic was you know, I didnot.
I didn't know.
My logic was you know, I didnot.
I didn't want her to be evergoing to sleep with the.
TV on because of you know just alot of spiritual components to
(35:28):
that.
But you know, I also want herto realize that you know the
bedroom is for sleeping.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
Yeah, and and um.
I did not have a TV in mybedroom either.
Um, and to each his own.
Um.
Not judging anybody who does Um, but I just did not want my
bedroom to become, um, the placewhere I was always.
Speaker 1 (35:55):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
That's good.
No that's good Um, and so shedidn't have um a TV in her room
for quite some time, um.
But when she um got a phone, um, honestly I was just, I was
kind of green with that Um, justto be honest um as um out here
(36:22):
and exposed as as I, as I am andas I was um, because, like I
said, I have not always umtaught literal in the classroom,
but I've managed our schooltime programs and supervised
those leads and all of that.
(36:44):
So I've always been aroundstudents at all ages.
And so it's not like I didn'tknow it, didn't see it, didn't
you know ages?
And so it's not like I didn'tknow it, didn't see it, didn't
you know.
But when it was in my house Iwas kind of green and not really
sure how I wanted to navigatethat and if I wanted to put all
(37:08):
the blocks on and all of thosethings.
But if I can think about it, Iwill say, because I talked to
her a lot, knowing andunderstanding what we were
(37:31):
talking about and what wascoming out in the conversation
kind of gave me an idea of whatshe was being exposed to.
Yep became, would I say, themiddle-aged, transitioning over
(37:56):
into the teenager when theystart to withhold a little bit
Yep, Yep, and I could tellbecause I'm so in tune with her,
because, again, we talk a lot,and then I could tell when she
started to you know, I'm nottelling mommy everything, right,
(38:17):
you know.
So that's when that becamestarted to become a little bit
more challenging for me.
So then I just beefed up,beefed up my conversation.
So what are we doing?
What are we talking about?
You know what's going on up myconversation, what are we doing?
What are we talking about?
You know what's going on.
You know Um and um, just reallytrying to, to pull it in in
(38:45):
that direction.
Now, at this day and age, um,I'm, I'm, I'm a little, you know
, I'm depending on prayer.
Speaker 1 (38:50):
Yeah Amen, Amen.
That's real I'm.
I'm depending on prayer.
Yeah amen, Amen.
Speaker 2 (38:54):
That's real.
I'm depending on prayer and theHoly Spirit to reveal things
with us for her to feel like,you know, my mom gives me a
(39:15):
little bit, but trust you me,you don't have full reign, um,
and you know just when she feelslike, you know, you don't let
me do anything.
Um, there are those momentswhere it's evident that, oh, I
do let you do some things, butthere are some limitations.
(39:42):
So that that's what thatdynamic looks like.
I honestly, ruth, I have notbeen the one that put all the
blocks on and the restrictions,and I'm not the one that says
let me see your phone.
Speaker 1 (39:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Yeah, but she knows me enough to know that if I want
to know, you can find out.
I'm going to know, baby, andI've let her know in enough
instances where oh, she's forreal.
The Holy Spirit do is atattletale yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:18):
Well, and that's true , and I think you know, you said
something earlier aboutallowing you some things.
You just have to allow tohappen and you can't try to, you
know, put barriers around everysingle thing, because that's
not realistic, you're not goingto be able to manage all that
and we do have to rely on theunseen power that gives us
(40:43):
revelation, insight, and thenmanage it accordingly, because
you can't know everything.
I mean like you said, I mean,like you said, she's 18.
Like she is, she's out thereand you know, and so it's like,
okay, just out there living thebest she outside, she outside,
she outside.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
Right now, with the besties hanging out at the
school.
You know, and I put, and Isprinkled a little prayer on oh,
that's, that's all I can do.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
You know I, there's a , so so this was a.
This would have been a coupleepisodes ago, which is a great
episode where they we talk about.
I have a couple friend of mine.
They have five adult childrenand she one of the things that
(41:37):
that she said was real parentingdoesn't start until they turn
18.
And I said you have to unpackthat and she was basically like
you have to know, like youaren't.
Real parenting is really seeingwhat stuck.
And now you have to watch itright right now, you know what
(41:59):
you really did.
Speaker 2 (42:00):
I have listened, I am .
I am just like I'm barely onthe surface of that, but oh my
gosh it was such a profoundthought.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
I'd never thought about it like that.
And she's like that's what.
That's what we are, you know.
We just watching to see whatstuck, and and I think I think
it also is is a greatopportunity for those of us who
are parenting younger childrento release some of the pressure
of feeling like I got to get itright today.
(42:32):
You just won't know what yougot right, what you want.
You don't know that you wantand you can't and you can't
stress yourself out.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
Now, if it works for you, have your way, honey.
Put all the blocks on, make allthe bells and whistles pop off.
If that works for you, thengreat, yes.
But I'm telling you you are notgoing to know everything.
(43:03):
Nope, you're.
I mean it honestly, I don't.
I don't even think you can knoweverything.
When they're younger, I meanlike she's, she's 18.
Like when they're younger, Imean like she's, she's 18.
Like when they're 10, you got12, like you're not.
You're not with them every day,all day, 24, seven.
(43:28):
Nope, you don't know what thatconversation was like with her
and her friend and how itaffected um, her emotions and
and how.
Now that's gonna affect how shemaneuvers on tomorrow, correct?
You?
Don't?
You, don't you?
Speaker 1 (43:42):
don't know, you don't know, you don't know.
Speaker 2 (43:45):
And then you know, you put all the blocks and the
bells and the whistles on andsomething gets through.
God dog it.
Now what?
Speaker 1 (43:53):
Because these kids smarter than us.
They smarter.
Speaker 2 (43:57):
They can figure things out.
Speaker 1 (44:02):
And I don't think there's no teenager that doesn't
desire to rebel at some point.
Right how that happens per kid,but it happens and so you know
there are plenty of things myparents still don't know.
They don't know.
You know, like you don't know,we talk about stuff, and I mean
(44:23):
today, you know we'll be talkingabout dinner and you know now
you just talk Cause you know weall grown, we don't be thinking
about it.
You're like oh, you didn't knowthat.
I didn't know that.
It's the first time I'm hearingthat.
Well, it happened, right, youknow.
And so just that thisunlearning of you can control
everything with your childrenand what your children are
(44:44):
exposed to.
Because you make a great pointwhen you get to a point where
your parents stop being yourmain influencers and your peers
start and that's just thathappens for every kid and when,
more influential a lot of timesthan your parents are, you
realize that it's your, alsoyour peers parents, that are
influential, because whateverthey got, they got from their
(45:06):
parents come somebody, you, yousaid something there, so it's
like yo, like you your hands,unless you homeschooling your
child, doing church with home,with your child, let's y'all
shout at home 24 7.
What with you?
You can't know.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
And bless their heart , cause they gotta go outside,
they gotta go, they gotta go outthere.
Speaker 1 (45:27):
You want them to go.
You don't want to be with youall the time.
You know they wants that.
So, like you got to release it.
And yeah, I think, I think, andso I this is a principle, and
I'd love for you to unpack howyou have, um, how you have, how
you understand the differenceand how you approaching you know
, Christina, Now you saidthere's a difference between
(45:48):
that.
You went from teaching tocoaching and you being a natural
teacher.
My mom was a natural teachercoaching.
My father's a natural coach.
He's a teacher, but he also he,he, the coaching thing, he, he,
let's say he got it a littlefaster than my mama did, Um, and
so she just can't resist anopportunity to teach, right?
(46:10):
She just can't resist it eventoday.
So but that, but I think that'ssuch an important switch for
parents to understand at somepoint.
It's a coaching.
How would you define thedifference between teaching and
coaching?
Speaker 2 (46:27):
They listen and then we want them to do.
That's the teaching.
There's no other side.
Yes, okay, uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Coaching is hmm.
(46:49):
So tell me, you know, what didyou think about that?
What did you learn from that?
Do you think you'll dosomething different?
Like it's?
It's a back and forth.
Um, it allows them to be ableto actually think through their
(47:11):
own stuff.
Speaker 1 (47:12):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (47:14):
And I think that it conditions them to do it without
you.
That's good yeah, is that?
easy to do.
Sometimes it is yeah, but inother times that it just
(47:34):
switches and you want to be likeyou should do blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, and this iswhat's da, da, da, da, da, da.
And then you know, at a certainstage they're like don't you do
that, because now you'regetting ready to get this whole
wall and y'all can't evenconversate about something that
you want them to really be openwith you, um, about.
(47:56):
So there are times where Iliterally have to pause and make
sure that I'm getting ready topresent myself in a way where we
can still have the conversation.
Yes, that's good and I can getsome feedback, some feedback, um
(48:24):
.
I won't say that.
You know she is always open.
You know cause the dialogue canget to a place to where you
know she really didn't want tohear that.
Um, but I can tell it was stillreceived.
Yes, yes, um, and and andthat's, that's the.
That's the difference.
Speaker 1 (48:39):
Yeah, that is and it's, it's a.
I think what I heard in thatand I, I uh, coaching is
something that I realized, I, Ifound some I find so much value
in and I've really been leaninginto it in all aspects of my
life.
A lot of um in the last, Iwould say, about five years,
yeah, but um, asking greatquestions and being very curious
(49:02):
, like you know, replacing yourcertainty with curiosity because
you don't know.
That's good.
You know, which is hard forparents.
I can't.
I know you, You're mine, Right,Right, that's hard.
(49:23):
And and so, even if you mightknow, they don't always have to
know that you know, that youknow, let me let you find out
that I know I ain't gotta tellyou, right, just let me let you.
You can find out through ourconversation.
Um, and that idea of slowingdown, you know, and not, um, not
(49:45):
presuming, not getting backinto how you were when you were
five, like no, like you know,and I think it it just takes.
It takes practice, and I um, Iwork with teenagers and so I, I,
I get you know, I, my parentingjourney started three years ago
.
My husband, um, my, my, I had apackage deal um, come on,
(50:07):
adulting, come on adulting baby,so so, uh, I've been, you know,
kind of in that role, um, forfor about two years now two but
officially two years.
But you know, started when wewere dating and so I have I've
been working with teenagers for15 years.
(50:28):
I've been doing this, the workthat I do for 15 years with kids
, so I'm used to, to workingwith young people, uh, raising
one is totally different.
I realized that very quickly,like, oh, this is a totally
different thing.
And I also realized that myrelationships with the parents
that I have for my young peoplebegin to shift because I begin
(50:50):
to understand them better beinga parent.
Right and I also I realized thata lot of them cause we were
starting to have more candidconversations and I realized
that so many of them just didnot know how to handle their
teenager.
It's just like I don't know howto do this.
She's getting on my nerves, shewon't listen and I found myself
(51:12):
helping by saying, instead oftrying to teach and tell, coach,
ask questions.
Here's some questions you canask and just let them talk,
because a lot of the times theyjust want to talk like a lot and
you know they may not, they mayalready actually know the
(51:33):
answers that you hope that theyknow, but they just want to talk
.
Um and if you, if you kind ofbegin to give yourself, grow
yourself right and so you know,grow yourself as a parent, as a,
as a person, and and and go onthat journey of maturity
yourself, Absolutely It'll help,Right?
(51:56):
I just think that's so profound, that teaching and coaching
dynamic.
You got to make the switch atsome point, Otherwise they do
their walls go straight up.
Speaker 2 (52:05):
They do.
You know, and you got to know,and you got to know when and I
and I'll say when it may beappropriate for you to start
making that switch, because someparents might say, oh, then
they're teenagers.
You for sure you need to makethat switch.
Some parents might say, oh,then they're teenagers, you for
sure you need to make thatswitch.
No, baby.
(52:25):
No, in this day and age wetalking about eight.
When I tell you, nine years old, you better be switching, you
better switch, you're going tobe clueless when you better
switch.
Speaker 1 (52:38):
He's 10.
Our son is 10.
And I find myself having moreconversations, but my parents
didn't ever talk to me like this.
No, 10 years old, are you crazy?
The only question is my momwould ask me is how old are you?
I say, how old am I?
How old am I?
I live more life than you, butnow it is like a full on
(53:02):
conversation conversation.
You know well how are you.
Well, why do you think that?
What, what is, what's, what isthe thing that you're thinking
about right now?
Um, why, why are you upset?
You know that, like I bet, youhave to start earlier because
they're they're different andthey're they're exposed to so
much more.
Speaker 2 (53:21):
They are and they help you parent them when we get
aside, when we get off thishigh horse.
Wow, that we know it all wowstart having those conversations
.
They help you parent them.
It's almost like they're likelet me help you parent me.
Speaker 1 (53:44):
If you would shut up and let me help you parent me.
Wow God, that's so profound andI don't like that.
There's something about that.
I'm like.
I don't like that because Ididn't get to help my parents
parent me.
I don't like it at all.
I don't like it at all BecauseI didn't get to help my parents
parent me.
Okay, I don't like it at all.
I don't like it at all what youmean.
(54:04):
No, I think that's good.
So let's kind of shift to this,because, with that in mind,
what are you seeing with?
You know, from a parent'sperspective, but also a
teacher's perspective, thedifference in the, in the level
of resilience in kids today whatare you seeing?
Speaker 2 (54:33):
I have to say that my child is different because she
lives with me.
Right, right, that's right.
And you know, oftentimes Iactually I use her as an example
in class.
I teach college skills, and no,it's not the college skills
where you know, you learn how to, you know properly, write an
(54:55):
email, talk to your instructor,be advised.
It's a, it's a very rigorouscourse and it's a whole lot
deeper than that.
I've had students, I have, I'vehad students say that um, feels
like group counseling and I'mlike um, but um, student, the to
(55:18):
ruth, I'm almost nervous toeven to even, you know, dig into
it.
It's a lot, it's a lot, it's alot.
There's, there's so manyexcuses that are presented that
(55:40):
I didn't get an opportunity tomake, or or that I did.
I even know that that was athing.
And do I have to now cater toto this thing?
Um, and, and I, and I say thatand I want to be sensitive, so I
(56:05):
don't want to start popping offall the titles.
Right, right.
You know what I'm talking aboutI do.
Okay, all right, I want to besensitive to that, because some
of them are legit For sure.
No 100%.
Some of them are legit, but forwhat it's worth, honey.
(56:25):
I could have wore a t-shirtwith a whole bunch of things on
it when.
I was growing up, but I didn'tget that opportunity.
I think there's a lot morehand-holding that is demanded,
(56:53):
like they demand it.
You must do this for me, notthis one.
No, I'm not, no, I'm not.
Um, and so I think that if thethe things are not there that
(57:16):
they they, they would notsurvive because those things
allow for the handholding tohappen.
Speaker 1 (57:27):
Yes, yep.
Speaker 2 (57:29):
Yep, for sure, because they have something to
require it.
They have something to requireit.
Yes, and I know that sounds sovague, but for those of you who
will listen to this, I hope thatyou know exactly what I'm
saying without saying it.
Speaker 1 (57:48):
Well, you know, I'll say it that way, you don't have
to, okay, so.
So I think identity is soimportant and there's a, there's
a therapist.
That's that I've been, that'sjust kind of been popping up on
my feed lately.
Um, who has, I think, has, avery strong voice of um how
(58:11):
would I put it?
Very practical, uh, therapy,not, not, it's, it's, it's, it's
very, it's real, but it's, it'swhat I think, what she would
call a capacity building, andnot just going, not just healing
, but capacity building.
One of the things that I likeabout how she, she, she talks
about is, if you aren't, if yourcapacity to handle hard isn't
(58:33):
built through your healingprocess, you're not really
healing.
And so when, um, when youngpeople are diagnosed with
certain things um, have, youknow, and there's medication
involved, there's counselinginvolved, there's therapy
involved a lot of times whathappens is we, we, uh, sometimes
unknowingly, encourage it isthey become that thing, they
(58:54):
become it, you become yourdiagnosis.
So when you become that, youhave a reason to say no, I am
this, therefore, I need this.
And then it sounds like peopleare not supporting you because
they're not supporting who youare.
But the difference is you don't, you aren't anything.
You are experiencing this rightnow.
(59:17):
Right now.
If you choose to continue toexperiencing it, you can do that
, but there are ways to minimizethe experience you may not be
able to get rid of it, andthat's real and that's part of
capacity building, right?
But there is a way to minimizeit and so I think you know, and
(59:39):
those labels are arranged fromall kinds of things, all the
diagnoses you could think of,right?
I mean, that's, it's all of it.
And I think that, when it comesto parenting, the thing that I
have learned and and I think I Ione of the things I've had to
unlearn I love your thoughts onthis is that kids don't need to
(01:00:00):
struggle.
You know, struggle is a part ofbuilding capacity and I found
you know what I'm saying Like Ifound myself sometimes because
it looks too hard for him tohandle taking away the hard.
But recently, I would sayrecently, I think you know, for
a while, both of us have kind ofhad to lay back on that and I
(01:00:25):
think, because of our generation, we just we're part of that.
You know, we kind of what is it?
Work harder, work smarter, notharder.
Like I don't want to do things.
If I don't have to do the hardthing, I'm going to find another
way.
And our generation really kindof I think, is pioneering.
Pioneering that, and but that'snot a healthy way to go.
And so, particularly when itcomes to children who are, you
(01:00:49):
know, young four, five, six,seven, eight you know they don't
need to be shielded from hardthings.
You know one of his chores isto take out the trash.
Sometimes the trash gets stuck.
You know One of his chores isto take out the trash.
Sometimes the trash gets stuckyou know it's heavy and it gets
stuck.
He calls me Miss Abby.
He says Miss Abby, can you helpme?
No, I'm not going to figure outhow to get that out the trash.
(01:01:11):
Like you know, now it'sallowing him and he figures it
out.
Like I know, it's not too hardfor you, you actually don't need
my help, you just you tried,for, you know, 0.5 seconds and
now you're tired and you wantsomebody else to do it for you,
and so I've stopped helping him.
Do small things like that,right.
Or you know he has guinea pigswhich I wish he didn't, but he
(01:01:36):
has them and um, and so he's gotto clean that cage.
Well, that's, that's a.
It's like, hey, you know he andhis dad would do it.
He don't need his dad, no more,go clean the cage.
You know that kind of thing andit's, they're small, but it's
like how do you raise?
Raise a resilient child.
You don't take struggle awayfrom them.
(01:01:57):
Like he like eat hard, things,things hard.
Let them work through it, rightfacts.
Speaker 2 (01:02:03):
Now let's talk, let's dig into that, because I'm
gonna tell you, give me the hatwith the helicopter.
You know I wore the t-shirt andyou know I, I, you know
(01:02:24):
honestly, you know I'm I'mcutting off the sleeves and you
know I've made it a midriff.
Is it completely off?
It's not that I think that um,and you know, of course, if you
(01:02:45):
look that up helicopter parent,if you look at it, you know
there's a definition and thesymptoms and what it all looks
like and and and all of that Um,but it is a um, if I would
define it.
You know, in my, in my words,it's a protective tool.
Sure, and you know all parents,you know, if you love your kids
(01:03:06):
, you want to protect themAbsolutely.
But you know there comes a timewhere you need to determine
okay, am I enabling them,because you know they may come
across a situation where you'renot there.
(01:03:28):
Yes To you know, pull them outof that.
And then, ok, let's go back tothe whole coaching thing.
Speaker 1 (01:03:35):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (01:03:36):
OK, when you're coaching and you're having that
dialogue now, they can talkthrough that thing by themselves
.
Yes.
Yes, which is another reasonwhy switching over to that side
of parenting is best you know,so you can feel more comfortable
with them being able to makethose decisions on their own.
(01:04:00):
So, yeah, that whole protectivething is is is something and um,
I could, you know, I couldbreak down and cry oh my gosh,
she's going, she's driving anhour, she's gonna be gone always
.
Like this is what I'mexperiencing, like right now, in
this present moment, I don'twant to go hang out with my
(01:04:23):
friends at school.
You know she's, she's here,she's going to one of the
technical schools here and she'sgot some friends that went away
.
Yep, there you go, and so youknow she wants to hang out.
I'm a college student.
Yes, you are.
I guess I got to.
I guess you know.
First couple of times it was no, yeah, no.
(01:04:44):
That's why I'm a collegestudent, if I wasn't here, you
wouldn't even know yeah.
Right, and you know I have totake these blows that she throws
at me we have theseconversations, and so I have
cultivated this type of dialogue, and so we're at a place where,
(01:05:06):
you know, although she sayssome things that I don't like, I
have to ingest them and youknow I'm like.
You're right, you know, just,you know, make sure don't forget
who you are, watch your back,be aware of your surroundings.
You know, make sure don'tforget who you are, watch your
back, be aware of yoursurroundings.
You know, all these things Ithrow out there so I can make
sure that they're at theforefront of her mind, and then
(01:05:29):
I let her go, and then I sendout the APB to everybody.
Hey, pray, pray pray.
Speaker 1 (01:05:34):
She going out of town .
We're just an hour away, child.
She ain't there, it's okay.
That is hour away to ask you ifit's okay.
That is, that's real.
Oh, yeah, that's real.
But you know, I think there's adifference between protecting
from harm and then protectingfrom something that's hard why?
You know what I mean?
Yeah, that's different, that'sdifferent.
(01:05:56):
I mean we should be protectingthem from harm, like well, no,
if I feel like something's gonnabe dangerous for you, I'm not
gonna let you do that.
You know, now if I feel likeit's gonna be hard and I'll
think a lot of times like the um, and and I, and let me say this
I think the the the thing thatfrustrates me about younger, the
younger generation is sometimesthey don't see the difference
(01:06:20):
in harm and hard.
It's like, yeah, you know whatI'm saying.
Hard is not harmful and, forwhatever reason, that narrative
has been in people's, in a lotof their brains.
It's like if it's hard it'sgoing to hurt me and and, and
that's just not true.
It's just not true.
And um, and so I, I think it'sreally, I think it's so
(01:06:43):
important, but I see, you knowthe importance and I'm grateful
for my parents and and, and thenthey took no heart away from us
.
I mean that hard was expected.
Right, it was like quit wedon't say the word quit, we
don't say the word can't.
That's just what we grew upwith, right, like that's.
We don't do that.
So, um, figure it out and that,and so watch, like the
(01:07:04):
intentionality of parenting ayounger child now, when that's
not the norm for a lot of kids.
Right, it's tough.
You said you use her as anexample, so that that that must
mean that she's different thanwhat you see.
Speaker 2 (01:07:51):
Absolutely she is, and I'm grateful for that.
But again, you know she has hadme, she's had her experiences,
you know she's got her speak to.
You know what um.
You know what my students haveum, you know at home.
But you know I do know thatstill that you know they're
(01:08:14):
growing up in this day and agethat maybe you know the people,
the village that they havearound them.
Um is not saying, hey, thatdoesn't have to be you, you
don't have to evolve into that,you don't have to melt into that
mold.
(01:08:34):
Um, you know you can be thisand you can be that, and, and
that's what you know, my classis all about Um, and so you know
we do a lot of you know myclass is all about, and so you
know we do.
a lot of you know debunking anddispelling myths and you know
having dialogue.
How can you, how would you?
Now that you know this, this iswhat you need to do.
Let's throw these nuggets outhere.
(01:08:54):
You know, and it's the samething that I do at home, so, yes
, I can use her as an examplefor those, for those instances.
Speaker 1 (01:09:06):
Yeah, that's good.
I'd like to end on this becauseI think it's just an
interesting question.
We kind of you know you said ityour child could often teach
you how to parent them, which issuch a humbling God.
That's such a humbling idea, ohGod like you got to be kidding.
Um, but it's true, you know, uh, and so what else has your, has
(01:09:29):
your child?
Has Christina taught you abouteither life, love yourself, that
you didn't see coming?
Speaker 2 (01:09:39):
that, uh, that I would have to, um, learn some
things about myself that Ineeded to fix, because she would
(01:10:03):
exude those things.
She was doing those things, wow, and God would say that's you,
oh, oh, yeah.
And you hear people around yousay your kids will show you you,
oh, they're going to show youyou.
(01:10:25):
You know, you don't reallyrealize that you know, and then
people think you know, that'syou know, that's the cutesy
little stuff like how they walkor how they smile.
You know not your attitude and,uh, your stubbornness and, um,
(01:10:50):
you know those sorts of things,um, but that that that's what
stands out the most Um, out themost Um, and me being receptive,
uh, didn't come quickly, youknow, I would recognize.
(01:11:12):
Ooh, that's me, wow, and just,you know, move past this, move
on, yeah, um, but now I'm like,ooh, I ain't fix that.
You know that's not necessarilya good trait to have yeah yeah
(01:11:34):
and she, you know, at times willsay well, mommy, you want me to
do XYZ, but you do, and I donot say, well, I'm the parent,
(01:11:54):
right, so that doesn't matter.
I only say that when she's beingdisrespectful and her tone or
she's talking at me, I'm likewait a minute, yeah right, you
don't get to talk to me that way, yep, but I don't ever tell her
that it's okay for me to methat way, yep, but I don't ever
tell her that it's okay for meto do that, mm and you.
(01:12:19):
But you can't, I don't do that,whew.
Now I might.
I might all of a sudden turninto a kid and be like well, I
meant something different,uh-huh, and.
And she'll be like but it's thesame, mommy, but it's, but it's
the same.
And I legit respect that,because, guess what, that's the
(01:12:46):
lord talking to me that's right.
Speaker 1 (01:12:47):
That, that's right, that's right.
Speaker 2 (01:12:51):
Um, and if and if you're open to that, um, then
you receive that rebuke.
Um yeah, and you know that Idon't always say you're right,
no, I don't always say you'reright, but I but I do go and
reflect.
Speaker 1 (01:13:10):
Yeah, that's, and that's beautiful because it is
the Lord talking, and it's alsoa reflection of what you've put
in her talking, because the factthat she has that kind of
understanding and can respond inthat way and say and it's a
reflection of your relationship,and that's something you
instilled in her Right Like, andthat's so, that that's
something you instilled in herright like, and that's so that
(01:13:31):
that's that's really interesting.
Um, golly, that's uh, it,that's yep it's heavy.
It's heavy, that's heavy, that'sheavy especially when you
you're looking, you're lookingat someone who you've raised and
you're you're seeing how yourdysfunction has now.
You're watching it and it'slike, oh, you know, and now it's
(01:13:56):
now you have a decision, whatam I going to do?
Because I don't know.
You see how that can play out.
You know, I would imagine it'sa reflection.
You kind of reflect and you'relike I see how that dysfunction
has played out in my life.
I don't want it to play out inhers, right, right.
And so the only way I can, thebest way, let me say the only
(01:14:18):
the best way for us to addressthis, is not just for me to tell
her not to do it, but for me tochange.
Speaker 2 (01:14:23):
Yep, for me to change .
There have even been moments,ruth, where I want to protect
her in situations or scenarioswhere I have to, like, really
like, mute myself, like to notsay to her hey, don't do this,
(01:14:45):
hey, don't you know, because Iam now projecting onto her my
experience and I don't know whather experience is going to be.
And again, that's theprotecting part.
Yes, but that can be damaging.
(01:15:05):
Yes, if I'm projectingsomething that's not that I
don't even know, is there?
Yes, now I'm making her thinkabout stuff that she probably
wasn't even thinking about YepWow.
Wow.
So, but it takes for you tohave to think those, those.
And when I say think it doesn'ttake, it doesn't take a long
(01:15:26):
time.
You know, you think that it'sgoing to take you five or 10
minutes to do that.
No, I'm talking about just nothaving knee jerk reactions.
Yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (01:15:37):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (01:15:37):
Just don't have a knee jerk reaction.
Just stop, Wait a minute andthink about I'm not going to say
anything.
Have a good one.
Be, safe.
Wow, now I may pray.
You know, lord lord, pleasedon't let her have, you know,
the same experience that I havehad, or help her to be able to
deal with it better than I did.
(01:15:58):
Um, you know that sort of thingum, but I don't.
I try my best not to project ummy experiences um to her that's
good, um, all right.
Speaker 1 (01:16:12):
So is there anything else that you would encourage?
You know what's one other thingyou would encourage that we
haven't talked about, orsomething that's come to your
mind, or anything you want todouble down on, for, um, parents
that you feel like haveexperienced parents in the way
you have need to unlearn um,this may be a double down and it
(01:16:41):
may just be based on what Ijust said, um, and kind of tying
in some other things.
Speaker 2 (01:16:44):
But, um, and this would be for those who, um are,
are, like you know, deep intoyou know, single parenthood, or,
or just just now coming into it, um, that, um, I would say and
this might be a hard pill toswallow, but always keeping at
(01:17:09):
the forefront of your mind thatyou did not write the book on
parenting and you do not know itall and, and, if their other,
the other parent is in theirlife, allow them to parent.
(01:17:32):
They love them, they love theirchildren.
It may not look like what youwant their parenting to look
like, but allow them to parent.
You know, I mean, like I said,I didn't, I didn't always get it
(01:17:57):
right and you know there's nota whole lot of that particular
component happening now becauseagain, she's older, Um, but
there are moments where I may,you know, not get it right now,
but allow them to learn justlike you are, wow, wow.
Speaker 1 (01:18:19):
I think a lot of people might need to hear that,
because that's tough.
Speaker 2 (01:18:23):
It is and it's hard.
I mean, I'm not saying thatthat's easy because it was hard
as crap to do that and that'seasy because it was hard as crap
to do that.
But beyond a shadow of a doubt,that man loves his daughter,
yeah, and I know that he wouldnever do anything to
intentionally hurt her.
(01:18:44):
You know ups and downs, hisquorums, his idiosyncrasies, all
of his flaws, whatever.
Whatever Guess what.
I got some too.
I have some too, and my crapcan mess her up just like his.
Speaker 1 (01:18:58):
Just like his.
Come on, that's real, yep.
Speaker 2 (01:19:02):
That's it, so I'm not any better.
Speaker 1 (01:19:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:19:07):
So, yeah, allow the other one to parent.
You know, bite your tongueevery now and then watch them
work.
Yeah, yeah, you might.
You might end up respecting howthey handled that situation.
Speaker 1 (01:19:20):
Yeah, yeah, and I, and just just just to make it
even more universal, even whenyou're in, you're married and
doing it, you gotta do the samething, because, lord knows,
sometimes I'll be like what areyou doing?
And he got to be like let mework.
And it is humbling.
It's like I wouldn't do it likethat.
(01:19:41):
Why are you doing it like that?
It's like, yeah, because I'mdifferent.
Speaker 2 (01:19:45):
That starts when they're infants.
Believe it or not, that startswhen they're infants.
I would not let that child cryherself to sleep.
And he was like, let her cry, Idon't want to let her cry, I
don't want to let her cry, and Iwish I had of.
I wish I had of, because guesswhat the result of that was?
(01:20:06):
See, once she was able to getup out of her bed, instead of
crying she would get up out ofher bed and she would come into
our room and we decided that wewere not going to allow her to
lay in her bed until she went tosleep.
Do you know how crazy we were,lack of sleep, and if I would
(01:20:43):
have just yielded to that andjust suffered through it because
he could deal with it, and Ijust didn't want to do it
because that's the baby, youknow, that's the baby.
And that's just a small example, but, um, a good one, I think.
Speaker 1 (01:21:02):
Absolutely no.
I love that.
That.
That helps me, even like um man, thank you, Thank you, thank
you for coming.
This was so much fun I love.
Thank you for being transparent,thank you for your honesty, for
your wisdom, and I really hopethat it helps the people that
needs to help, and this is great.
(01:21:25):
So, y'all, if you thought thiswas valuable don't keep it to
yourself, share it.
Make sure to subscribe.
Comment um, let us know what,what you're thinking, let us
know what you're learning, uh,and unlearning, and we're trying
to grow the community, so wewant more people like you, uh,
so, so help us, help us reachthem.
Um, all right, so let's keep onlearning together, folks, folks
(01:21:50):
, so that we can experience morefreedom, and we will see y'all
next time.
Peace.
Thank you once again forlistening to the Unlearned
Podcast.
We would love to hear yourcomments and your feedback about
the episode.
Feel free to follow us onFacebook and Instagram and to
(01:22:12):
let us know what you think.
We're looking forward to thenext time when we are able to
unlearn together to move forwardtowards freedom.
See you then.
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