April 29, 2025 • 72 mins
The Gardners join us to share their journey as a blended family, revealing how they built a strong foundation through commitment, communication, and adapting to unexpected changes. Ty and Ruth Abigail discuss how their relationship evolved from online dating to creating a unified family, demonstrating that love makes room for the unexpected.
• Meeting on Facebook and moving from text messages to real connection
• Being transparent about children from day one of dating
• Adapting when a temporary visit became permanent parenthood two days before their wedding
• Transitioning from "fun weekend parent" to full-time parenting
• Balancing personal dreams and careers with family responsibilities
• Challenging traditional role expectations in parenting
• Building genuine connection between stepparent and child
• Creating an environment where both partners can maintain their identities
• Understanding that commitment comes before plans in family building
• Recognizing that in blended families, you must want it to work
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
what's up?
Everybody?
It's your girl, jaquita.
This is the unlearned podcast,where we help you to change your
mind so that you yes, you canexperience more freedom.
Guys, as you can see, I did theintro today because it is a
special day.
Okay, it is a special day, okay.
It is a wonderful day, okay,today we have the gardeners.
(00:26):
Y'all, everybody give it up forTy and Ruth Abigail.
What's up?
People Say hey to the people.
Ty, hey everybody.
Hey Right, we have the lovelycouple.
Ruth Abigail has done afantastic job without me, okay,
a fantastic job.
I know y'all miss me.
(00:48):
I know that people was like,wait, I'm back.
Okay, here I go, okay.
But Ruth Abigail has done afantastic job on this parenting
series and we wanted to makesure that we hit as many facets
of parenting as we could, and werealized there was one topic
(01:09):
that we hadn't hit yet, that thegardeners are just a perfect
little prototype for.
So today we're going to switchit up a little bit.
I'll be doing the interviewing,okay, and we're going to have a
fun time with Ruth and Ty.
Ruth, have a good time withyour friend.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
I'm a little nervous.
I ain't going to lie to you.
I'm nervous because I don'tknow how much I like you having
this much control over theconversation.
I don't know, I don't likebeing vulnerable.
You know, like this, this is alittle much.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
And that's been the last 20 years of friendship.
So what's new about that?
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Finally somebody, she can root.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Listen, ty.
Okay, let me tell you something.
My brother know I always gothis back.
He know, he know if he needbackup, he know who to call.
That's why we had to make sure,see, we couldn't let Ruth
Abigail do this by herself,friends All right, because she
would have been over here tryingto monopolize the conversation,
trying to lead Ty, nah, nah,nah nah, nah.
(02:15):
We're putting both of them onequal grounds.
That's right Ty, I feel it See,I see my poor brother, my poor
brother been out here justpushing through.
Listen today, ty, that's whatthis is all about.
It's about you, bro.
It's about you, wow, it's aboutyou, I'm just.
(02:36):
But, guys, today we're here totalk about blended families.
Ok, we're talking aboutfamilies that came together,
that had family before, hadchildren before, had a story
before their story began, and soreally wanting to just touch on
(02:59):
kind of what's special about,you know, being in the being in
that situation.
You know, I see a lot ofFacebook posts that talk about
being bonus moms and you know,this isn't my stepchild, this is
, this is my baby.
You know, this is, this is partof my family, and so we really
want to kind of dig into some ofthat, because it's a lot of
people's reality.
(03:19):
You know, I'm 38 out here inthe dating world, yes, out here
in the dating world.
Yes, out here in the datingworld.
Okay, still out, still out here.
You know, gotta let them know.
But, and you know that's like,it's like a reality that I'm
like it is highly likely that Imight find myself in a, in a, in
(03:40):
a blended family where we'reworking together to build
something new, in a blendedfamily where we're working
together to build something new.
So I want to begin, ty, let'sbegin with you.
I want to hear your version ofthe how I met my wife story.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
So tell us a little bit about kind of like y'all's
relationship, how it began, howwe got to the beautiful place we
are now.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Well, it's back in 2021.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
All right, Ty, it's too early for you to be having
to guess years and things now.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
April 2021.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
There you go.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
It was rolling dice oh boy.
And I took all the guy moneyand that's all we had left.
You want to bet that?
Okay?
So I just wanted a dice game.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
That sounds stellar, let's clean that up real quick.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
No, no, no, no no.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
All I heard was him say that you're his prize, and
that was beautiful is that whatyou heard?
That's what I heard four yearslater wow that's probably
everyone that's beautiful
Speaker 3 (05:02):
the real story no, go ahead the real story, the real
story is we met on Facebooknight.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
He was like late one night and I was up and I think I
was scrolling or something likethat and she like matched back
and I texted her and we startedcommunicating and she would
always like she would alwayssend me these long drawn-out
texts and I'm like astraight-to-the-point type of
(05:33):
texter.
It's like, hey, how you doing,I'm fine, how are you?
And she'll go off.
Oh, I'm great, She'll tell meabout her day and all this.
It'd be a whole paragraph.
Well, I ended up having torespond like that and it was out
of.
I had no way to respond.
I'd have to respond my day wasgreat and this and that, and
(05:56):
then with the whole emojis andall that.
Oh you were putting on.
Yeah Well, I had to match it.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Yeah Okay, matching energy, putting on yeah Well, I
had to match it.
Yeah Okay, matching energy.
Yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
I had to match that, and so we went from there.
And then finally it was like Iwas cooking one day.
I'll never forget what I wascooking.
I think it was chicken and riceat the time, and I was just
like hey, I couldn't do both atthe same time.
So I was like, hey, just blockyour number out and call.
(06:29):
I didn't know if she was okay,it was so early in the game and
just giving a number out likethat so I was just like hey,
just block your number out andcall.
Ever since then it's been up.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
That is beautiful.
I don't think I've ever heardit from Ty.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
Yeah, no, he didn't just say block your number, he
said star 69 me.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
I said block, that's old school, that's old school
right there I know I'm a littlebehind the curve with some
things, but I don't think I saidstar 69.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
You said star 69.
I remember that because I saidto myself star 69.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
I heard that 20 years ago Listen, boy, let me tell
you something.
Ninth grade Jaquita, when Iwanted to call somebody star 69,
you ain't finna, Because whencaller ID came, it told too much
about business.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
It changed the game.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Two things changed the game that caller ID and that
three-way calling.
When you get the beep when youused to be on the phone, you get
the beep you be like hold on.
The game has changed.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Yes, I don't remember the Star 69, but I remember I
could have said it.
I don't know.
And ever since then, I don'tthink we never text again.
I think it's just all been.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
We mostly just talked .
Speaker 4 (07:56):
He told me to call him and he told me to call him
(08:19):
and I did.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
He didn't answer and it was late.
He said give me five minutes,which at the time I didn't
realize really meant 30 minutes.
And so I out there for thesingle folk.
Okay, I have forayed in and out, in and out in and out of of
the online dating world.
Like I go on there for two daysI'd be like this is terrible.
And I I also I'm actually not atexter, but when I was
(08:43):
interested in somebody I'd belike, all right, let me hit them
with the, let me hit them withthe monologue, real quick, you
know, let me let me hit themwith a little extra spice.
And so I think that that'sinteresting, like you know, like
people realizing what you'rehonestly looking for some for is
for someone to match energy.
Like that's just like thatindication of that first initial
(09:03):
spark.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
So that's a very good point yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Like you know, like ty was like there's something,
there's something about this onethat makes me want to do a
little bit more than my norm.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
I was texting like this long of a paragraph, and
all of that is just so listen.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Ty said I'm over here writing dissertations, listen
oh my god listen and I thinkthere's also another good point.
You can only do that for solong, folks.
Yes, we, we're not textingparagraphs for three years.
No, that's a lot, you know.
Eventually you do have to moveto a different means of
(09:39):
communication right.
move to the.
I'm sorry for the sidebar, butI felt like somebody needed.
They needed that point Right.
And so you know we're talkingabout blended families and Ty,
I'm really interested and Ruth,we'll come to you in a moment.
Just sit there, sit tight for alittle bit, I'm really
interested.
During the dating phase, likewhen you knew that, you know you
(10:02):
were really interested in RuthAbigail and that it was getting
serious, at what point did yousay, okay, I'm going to have to
be One?
At what point did you say, okay, it's time for me to tell her
that I have kids?
And then, at what point did youstart thinking I'm going to
(10:25):
have to bring these worldstogether in some way?
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Day one Because I knew the based off of the
dialogue and you know, readingher bio and then doing a little
research on her, you stalked her, a little bit research on her.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
You stalked her a little bit.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
You know, I just knew her.
I knew her as a person and itmade me just jump like this.
Definitely you know her and Iknow she would be.
She would be happy about it.
She would love it Basically,like how he is as a kid, and
(11:07):
their energies match and I knowthey would love each other and I
know that, most importantly, hewould love her based off of how
he is, but it's just how sheaccepted him.
It's like they hit the groundrunning.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Right off the bat and that was such a blessing and I
really really got lucky.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
I love that.
So, ruth Abigail, I'm trying toremember, I'm trying to rack my
brain here.
Okay, was this your first timedating a man with a child?
Yeah, okay, yeah, what duringthe dating phase?
What were?
Some of the apprehensions arejust kind of like background
(11:52):
thoughts that were kind oftickling kind of like the back
of your mind about you know what, what?
Uh, I mean, you know you workwith kids, right, so I don't
imagine you being nervous thatthere's a child here in your
space.
But what about, kind of, as therelationship was building, what
(12:13):
were some of the things goingon in the mental space about
that?
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Yeah, I well, I'm going to say this.
And, baby, if you think we needto edit this out, we can, but I
in the beginning, um, he, he,we didn't.
We, we didn't know if he wasgoing to be here permanently.
Like it was, it was a sharedsituation, like it was more of
on a schedule.
Right, honestly, I didn't haveany apprehension, because it
(12:43):
really was, because I do workwith kids and I knew immediately
.
I had no apprehension aboutconnecting with them, partly
because I'm just comfortablewith kids, and I knew that the
only thing I was apprehensive ofwas like, I mean, I'm my best
comfort level is like teenagers.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
He was seven and I knew I was going to have to like
my energy.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
You know what I'm saying Like I was going to have
to play and like I was like Idon't know what else to do with
play.
And I think that was the thing.
I just, when I come around, Ijust play, and Ty, he would be
like you can't, he's going tolike run over you.
You can't like keep doing that.
And I was like it's fine, it'sfine, it's fine.
And so I just play because Iwant to connect with them, and I
(13:25):
felt like I could do thatbecause it wasn't a permanent,
everyday situation.
You know, I would see him mostlyon the weekends.
We'd be together doing stuffand I could go hard, right,
because then I was coming backhome and I was, and I was, you
(13:54):
know, before we found out thathe was going to stay here in
Memphis with us.
In my mind it was just going tobe that same thing, same
pattern right, Go hard for alittle bit and then rest, you
know.
And so I didn't have thatbranch and I said I could do
that.
I kind of do that now, right,with people that'm with.
We go hard, they go home, we gohard, they go home.
Right, and that was my.
It was like I could do that allday.
I think the apprehension came.
(14:15):
Apprehension may be a strongword, but I didn't realize I had
to rethink this when it was oh,he's going to live, he's going
to be here, right.
Um, that's a different energy,and that because my life wasn't
(14:37):
set up, to be totally honest, tohave a child Just just to be
honest and to piggyback off whatyou just said, neither was mine
.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
He came for spring break and he never left.
I don't think he's looking forgold to grab his clothes, and I
had a one bedroom apartment.
You know, and I think this iswhat I love about her we made it
work, she jumped right in.
It was was very, very helpful.
(15:07):
It was very beneficial.
We're ever grateful for that.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Oh, that's beautiful, Ty, that's absolutely beautiful
.
You said more beautiful wordsthan Ruth Abigail and I wanted
to give y'all just plans.
But you know, I think thatthat's something, that's
something really to consider,because one, when we think about
being a bonus parent, right,especially depending on the
situation, it can fluctuate.
(15:35):
Yeah, right, at one momentyou're the fun weekend parent
and you know you were, you wereprobably going to do something
fun on weekend anyway, you knowthat's not necessarily you
bringing them into your everydayworld.
That is you being like hey, youknow, because I only have you
for three days, you know we'regoing to eat out, we're going to
(15:55):
go do something fun, we'regoing to watch movies, we're
going to play, and you're noteven going to really think about
it and you're not even going toreally think about it.
But when it comes to, like,really having to settle into
this idea of I'm going to beraising this kid, right, ruth,
(16:19):
I'm really interested, as youwere thinking through, because,
right, so you move from I'm thefun, I'm the fun, you know,
bonus person in your life.
Right, like I'm, I'm a, I'm afun addition.
You know, like, like Velcro, meon for the weekends, and then
you know, just, you know, takethat right on off.
You know, when the week comes,when you realize that it was
(16:43):
about to switch, what things didyou have to do internally, kind
of like mentally andemotionally, as well as
externally, as far as likeorganizing or reorganizing your
life to make space inside of youfor parenthood?
Speaker 3 (17:02):
Excellent question.
I'm good at what I do.
I see that, so I I didn't havea lot of time to figure it out,
which I actually, in hindsight,am.
I am grateful for that.
I think I would haveoverthought it.
And so Ty tells me I overthinkthings, which he's not wrong,
and I think I would haveoverthought.
I would have overthought itwrong and I think I would have
(17:25):
overthought.
I would have overthought itRight.
And so, okay, all the faces, um, uh, so I, when we found out it
was two days before our weddingday, uh, two or three days a
day before the rehearsal dinner,yes, that Thursday, so that we
found out he was going to stayOur.
The plan was for him to.
(17:46):
We were going to drive him backto Georgia in a few days, right
.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
We was going to drive him back on the 7th.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
Yeah that's right, and go to leave there and go to
our honeymoon and go to ourhoneymoon right, and so that was
our plan, okay, so wait, justfor the timeline purpose.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Y'all got married August 5, honeymoon, right,
right, and so that was our plan.
Okay, so wait, just for thetimeline purpose.
Y'all got married on the 5thAugust.
5th, right, right, so August3rd you found out, yes, he was
going to be staying, that'sright.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Yeah, that's right, right, the fourth.
The fourth was the rehearsaldinner.
It was the day before that,that Thursday, and so we so,
yeah, we found out.
And then he had school thatseventh, which is a Monday, so
(18:38):
he was going to be in school inGeorgia.
Okay, that's where we weretaking him to.
Well, when it flipped, wedidn't find out, so we had to
just pivot.
I mean, fast, right, everythingchanged that weekend.
Um the night of our weddingchanged that weekend, you know,
um, our, our whole world shiftedand both of our world shifted
(19:02):
Right, like, like he was, I meanso.
So I think the blessing in thatwas we both had to figure
things out together, um, prettyquickly.
So that was.
I think that was a blessing.
I think, on my end, I'm aproblem solver by nature, so I
was just in problem solving modeOkay, we just got thrown a
(19:22):
wrench, let's go Like it wasn'teven a.
I wasn't thinking about how itwas affecting me, or emotional,
like what am I doing?
I didn't think about that untilmaybe a couple of weeks in and
I think, and, babe, you can, youknow, you could kind of share
(19:43):
your side on this.
I was really, um, I think thething that I was the most
concerned about was whether ornot I would have time or energy
to actually be a parent, becausemy life was revolved around
work and by being totally honest, my, you know, my world was
(20:04):
work.
If I'm being totally honest, myworld was.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
I was moving, I had a pace that at the time, I wasn't
sure if I could slow downenough to be a good wife and
mother.
You know what I mean.
So you were already mentallymaking preparations to budget
your time and your energy to bea wife.
How did that, you know, withsuch a quick transition, how did
(20:28):
you then kind of pivot tohaving to reorganize yourself to
be both?
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Yeah, okay.
So what our original plan andcorrect me if I'm wrong was he
like he was going to go and kindof work on a project and be
back and forth and kind of youknow doing?
a lot of land development, youknow that, things like that and
(20:58):
so he was going to be back andforth, I was going to keep doing
so.
We had kind of negotiated thatwe, these first few years were
going to be a lot of movementfor both of us because we were
really working towards stuff,and so we were going to have the
freedom and flexibility to dothat.
And so what you know, as far asme being a wife was concerned,
we kind of worked that out right, like we knew, cause we're both
(21:20):
very um, you know we're bothvery, you know we're hard
workers, we're goal oriented,and we knew what we wanted to be
.
And so we started off like that.
And then we had a child and youcan't move like that with a
child, so like.
So it just it really kind ofslowed us both down, it slowed
(21:42):
the plan down, and so I thinkthat because we had communicated
so well as to what we wanted todo as a married couple, we were
good, like my life wasn't goingto shift that much in the next
couple of years because we had aplan.
Is that accurate, babe?
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Yes, yes, I would say so, definitely.
I mean, uh, you know, from mypoint of view and I can speak
for my looking, you know, speakfor my looking to you I think
you, you made a huge sacrificein what you did.
(22:25):
It was okay for it to be wrongwith me and I had to make some
changes, but you had to makemore than me.
You took it in stride.
Thankfully, I never forget ourwedding day or was it the fourth
or something like that.
(22:47):
I think it was the fourth baby.
When we found out he wasstaying, I said, hey, he's going
to have a stay.
Okay, let's get it set up, gethim registered in school, let's
grab him some clothes, grab himthings he needs and let's get it
going.
It him registered in school,grab him some clothes, grab him
things he needs and let's get itgoing.
(23:07):
And it's like, right at thatmoment, we went from Planning a
honeymoon Dropping him off,planning a honeymoon Wanting to
relax, to boom okay, dead in thewater.
We can't go, we gotta changethis.
This is the plan.
So let's execute.
In the water.
We can't go.
We gotta change this.
This is the plan, so let'sexecute.
(23:28):
And it flowed so smoothly thatit seemed like it was planned
and it was all because of herand that was a blessing.
We got things done and it wouldhave took two weeks.
We got it done in a day.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
We got it done in a day.
We got it done in a day.
No, I definitely remember y'allrunning around and that school
thing was the fun yeah it was afun piece.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
I remember I was in Walmart buying school supplies
right after the wedding.
Buying school supplies rightafter the wedding.
And somebody was pushing thebuggy and they backed up.
Speaker 4 (24:10):
I'm like.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Ty what you doing in here buying school supplies.
You just got married.
It was Candace.
It was Candace.
Oh, that's right she did.
She did buy school supplies.
Candace goes to the.
That's right she did.
Candace goes to the church.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
That's exactly right.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
Now that is hilarious , Ty.
You said something interestingwhen you were giving yet another
beautiful tribute to RuthAbigail.
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Let's just say this.
Let's say it.
Let's say it.
He's way better at words ofaffirmation than I am.
He is much sweeter with hiswords and his tone and all that.
He just is, which is why wework so well, because I'm not as
(25:03):
Listen.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Ty, somebody had to take up the mantle that the rest
of us gave up on, ok, we.
You made the point that, ruthAbigail, you felt like she
sacrificed more than you did,and when you said that, the
thought just kind of crossed onmy mind, ran across my mind,
(25:25):
that you know, like you had had,you know, your son at that
point for seven years.
You know he was part of yourlife and even though, because
you know, we just talked abouthow you weren't necessarily
ready to be full-time custodialparent either, right, and so
what things about bringing onfull time parenthood for both of
(25:49):
you, do you feel like you alsohad to sacrifice?
Because it sounds like, because, like, you're taking on, like
this kind of sense ofresponsibility of like this is
my kid and I brought this kidinto the relationship, and so
you felt more responsible.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
So you look at the levels of sacrifice a little bit
differently sacrifice in termsof like with me and her
relationship, or just like, justlike let's go for both.
It sounds like you got somethoughts okay, um, uh, well,
when it, when it came to me, uh,it was just more, so I had to
change the things that I was Iwas doing.
Uh, I had to make a lot ofchanges in terms of, you know,
(26:35):
from cost of my I spend my money, to how I spend my time, to
when I can go out on the road,to just everything.
I did Like I had to change itbecause now it's just you know,
I'm about you.
You have a child with you now.
It's not over the phone anymore, it's not.
(26:56):
You know you stand the weekendand you know it's over that
phone.
It's not over the phone anymore, it's not.
You know he's staying theweekend and you know so that's
all.
He's a Jew now.
So I had to change a lot, but itwas for the better, though the
changes I made.
Some of the stuff that I had tochange I needed to change.
I started looking at it.
I'm glad I made the changes.
(27:18):
It made me a better person Atleast I feel like I did and I
got him here with me.
That was awesome.
Now, when it comes to therelationship, I think it was
just more so trying to find thatbalance.
More so trying to find thatbalance where you know you're
(27:38):
not you're, you're sharing yourtime, equally, you're showing
you know him love and notletting her and vice versa.
I think that that was like thebiggest thing.
But once, once that came likeI'm an easy going guy, so you
know it's not too much that Ican't change.
(28:03):
I don't need to do this for thesake of all of us hanging out
together, finding time foreveryone.
It wasn't bad.
I know that, like I said, I'mnot trying to keep.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
It's all right, give her one more, one more.
It was just.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Yeah, yeah, one out of a thousand.
That's so sweet, but it wasjust more so about her.
It's about, you know, like shetook in a whole other child, and
a whole another child is aentirely piece of responsibility
and I don't know the statisticsof it, but that doesn't go well
(28:50):
like that, and especially atsuch short notice, and you know
we had totally different plans.
She sacrificed more, so we'rejust grateful for that.
And then it worked right, likethe sacrifices I made, the
(29:11):
sacrifices she made, you know,even with him, and like we find
happiness in the sacrifices wemade to spend time with each
other, and it's been verybeneficial.
We play Uno at night, you know.
We play games at night, youknow just that bonding time.
Sometimes we sit down and, youknow, watch a movie or eat
(29:34):
dinner together, just being eachother's presence, and that's so
much better than going out ofservice at times, or just
hanging out with a bunch of guysor whatever, and it's like I
find solace in being in the soul.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
It all boils down to the sacrifices that were made
Mainly because Can I say yeah,can I say this?
He still goes to the cigar bar,though he still hangs out with
his guys.
I still hang out with people,you know, and I still do things
that I that I do.
I've, you know.
I've just came from out of townwith a family trip.
(30:18):
I was in Greenville with y'allRight, and so we have still.
I think the beauty of being onthe same page has been we've
been able to allow each other tostill have our life because we.
One thing that I appreciateabout him that I feel like I had
(30:40):
to really, um, now I'm going totoot his horn because he
doesn't.
I'm going to toot his horn.
Yeah, you owe him you owe himat least one.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, get in there.
Speaker 3 (30:50):
So one thing I really appreciate about him, uh, is
that he refused to allow me tototally neglect things that I
came in with.
He wouldn't let me do it right.
Whether it's my work, myrelationships, the activities I
like to do, my me time, all ofthat.
(31:13):
He insisted that I keep it andit took me a minute to believe
that he really meant that and Ithink that was a lot of the
anxiety I had in the beginning,probably for the first year or
so.
I would try to overcompensatebecause I was like you know I'm,
you know I would tell him Iwill be home, you know, earlier
(31:36):
than I normally am, and makesure that I'm gonna cook and do
all the things I felt like I wassupposed to do and you know I
wanted that was a struggle youknow like because, because,
truth be told, that was hard forme, a lot to you.
it was hard and I tried toovercompensate and I felt like I
(31:57):
was failing because I couldn'tbe all in as a parent the way I
saw it Right.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Oh and so.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
Or just like with the marriage time.
Yeah, in general like themarriage time, and she would
always, would always.
Maybe I'm gonna be late tonight.
Speaker 4 (32:19):
I apologize, okay I'm starting to get like sarcastic
with her.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
You know, just like I'm, I'm done with this, like he
would.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
He would be like I don't, fine, I don't care, I
don't care, I don't care, youknow, and all this stuff.
I'll be like what you, you know, don we, you know?
But like we, I had to.
I had to believe that heactually was for me continuing
to be me.
You know what I mean, and thatis a gift and I that's an
(32:53):
amazing gift to having a husband.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
No, I love that.
Good job, ruth, abigail.
We're proud of you.
Thank you very much.
I had a thought, though, as youwere talking, because for me,
as you were talking about kindof like what you were trying to
do, where were you pulling thismodel of this is who I'm
supposed to be, because youdidn't come from a blended
(33:18):
family.
No, so when you think aboutyour own parenting style, how
are you bringing in your ownexperiences with kind of this
new world of blended life, likehow are you trying to kind of
merge those?
Speaker 3 (33:37):
Well, I think that's the thing.
Like, I didn't come from ablended situation, so I I'm only
pulling from my mother and whatshe did and my mom.
She was, you know, at the top ofher career when she had kids.
She, she left that entirelyRight and um, that, that, and
(34:01):
then she, so she devoted all hertime to being at the house and
um, doing all the doing thelaundry, doing the, you know,
cooking every night, um, doingpickups, all the things I don't
do every night.
And it bothered me, right, itbothered me so much and I was
like, I don't know every night,and it bothered me, right, it
bothered me so much and I waslike I don't know how to fulfill
(34:22):
this.
Well, I'm not doing what I'msupposed to be doing.
Wow, and he and he, he wasright, and so it was just, it
was and, and, and I had toaccept, and he has helped me to
accept number one, this rolething, which I didn't even
realize was going to be a thing,honestly, for me.
But this role thing was a thingfor me, like, no, no, no, this
(34:45):
is what I'm supposed to do asthe wife, right, is this, this
and that?
And so I and he has helped meto realize where partners I like
, where, where I am in my life,and my schedule is much more
flexible than yours.
So I'm going to take this.
This is my job, not yours.
Right For right now, you knowwhat I mean.
(35:05):
Like so it's like okay, but Ididn't believe him.
Honestly, I'll be honest, Idon't know if he's ever heard me
say this before.
I really thought I was like, ifI, if, if I keep doing this, I
don't think he's going to wantto stick around for that.
Like I'm thinking, like there'sno way that this man is going
to be okay with me going all inwith what he's telling me to go
(35:26):
all in with, if I like.
Continue to pursue what you'redoing, you know.
Continue to run theorganization.
Well, continue to go out and doyou?
Nah, you don't mean that I'mgoing to lose you.
I thought I was.
I really that was in my mind.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
Ty, I'm interested in knowing because, as Ruth
Abigail is just talking aboutjust kind of the man, the
husband and the father that youare, where did this value system
come from?
Because there's not a.
You know, every, every marriageis different, every couple is
different and everybody bringskind of a different perspective
(36:05):
to it, but all men are not likehey, you know what I'm saying,
just work it out, you know.
You know, do what you do, youknow, keep all the things that
are important to you, like where, how, how did you learn that
value system?
Speaker 2 (36:22):
I think growing up, growing up and watch how my mom
and dad operated.
We kind of grew up in the samehousehold.
That's how I say it.
My dad did all the work andthen the mom.
(36:42):
She ran the house and we grew uplike that.
But also I grew up seeing likehow my dad he wasn't my mom and
my dad, they wasn't like bothtype people Like when it came to
their relationship they gaveeach other their space.
They did that.
And I met you on the force.
(37:06):
I know who you are and I lovethat about you.
So for me to do anything than tostop stopping you from doing
what you love is not who I am.
(37:27):
I'm not a I'm not aoverprotective, overbearing type
of person.
I'm not a jealous person in abad way.
I'm not like that.
And I get.
It gets me up to see my lady gohome.
That's so precious it gets me.
(37:50):
It makes it just brings a senseof pride and I love that and it
motivates me.
And so, hey, do your thing.
A sense of pride and I lovethat and it motivates me.
And so, hey, do your thing.
You know, hey, if you gottastay out late, go ahead.
I know what you got, I knowwhat it takes and anything I can
help you with.
(38:11):
Whatever.
Like, do that because of youknow we're trying to scale this
thing in order to scale it.
We can't sit home.
We can't miss things or notchecking all the boxes, gotten
all the I's crossing all the T'sand this is what it takes and
I'm for that and I love it and Ilove that you like that.
(38:35):
No, I always joke about it.
I was like baby.
I'd have checked my I's.
I always joke about it.
I was like baby.
I ought to change my life.
I would have been.
You ever met a gardener who didit?
Patty the Bill, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, I was not ready.
Not, I was not ready.
Speaker 4 (39:01):
I was not ready.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
That's hilarious we say that.
But it's just like.
It just shows like you know,I'm all in for you and I know
the drive that you have, I loveit.
You gotta go places.
You gotta go for you, and Iknow the drive that you have, I
love it.
You got to go places.
You got to go, we got to do, wegot to go hang out with your
(39:27):
friend, who deserves it.
I used to tell her quit tellingme what you're doing.
Speaker 3 (39:31):
He did.
Speaker 2 (39:34):
Just do it.
She would get a little rival.
You should know I know whatyou're doing.
I know you don't.
Don't feel like you gotta youknow, just I don't know.
Speaker 3 (39:50):
Let me, I'm not right here on giving you your space
and I trust you can I say, likeeverything he's saying and this,
this, this is not arelationship conversation, but I
do think it matters.
Like the things that I wasdoing were things that I was
told to do by people I trust andpeople who were giving me kind
(40:12):
of like bad advice, which Idon't think is bad advice.
But I think then you have tolike I didn't marry men, I
married a man, right.
So you can't, you can't putwhat people have experienced
with men on your man.
It doesn't work.
And so then I had to say, okay,I hear all that.
But then I hear what my man issaying, oh, okay, and I it's
(40:38):
like, am I going to payattention to what they're saying
about their experiences or whathe's saying about him?
And I had to decide, yeah, andit took me about a year to
decide Like I'm going to believehim, but you know, and nobody's
wrong.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:55):
I'm sorry, go ahead, nobody's wrong.
You just have to go with whatworks for you.
If that works for us, then whatwe're doing works for us, so be
it.
Whatever works for anybody else, it works.
It's not a right or wrong, it'sjust what works for you.
Either one of them would workfor us.
(41:16):
But I know that what she'strying to accomplish, the things
that was told to her, we got topull together and do them.
And I don't mind washing theclothes, cleaning the house or
if I'm home you know I got a lotof free time, that's my job.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
And I don't mind cooking, I don't mind Listen
y'all Facebook dating folks,facebook dating.
Speaker 2 (41:42):
That's it.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
Okay, we got to talk about the kid, all right,
because that's what we came hereto do, but I think the
foundation that you guys have Ithink it's so important to
highlight that because if youbring when we talk about a
blended family if you bring thekid into a situation where you
(42:08):
don't have understanding of whothat person is and you're not
100% for each other, then that'sknow, that biological parent
really gets split.
Because I mean, honestly, ty,you know, tyson was in your life
first and there are a lot ofparents, especially moms right,
(42:32):
who are like I go 100 for my kidand you're and you're the
add-on Instead of it being.
We do this 100% together and wehave this Sorry, you know the
scripture, we have this ministry.
Huh, it was right there.
It was like, hey, you don'twant to holler this one out and
(42:54):
I do, but there is a we, not a Iand a you.
There's a we that has this andwhat I heard from Ty is that
there are things that he is socareful to protect in you
because it's also helping tomaintain the we, like who you
(43:17):
are, is building him up and isbringing the cohesion for
y'all's union that helps youguys to continue to parent this
amazing kid Right, ruth?
I, I want to know because,again, you went from being the
fun weekend parent to the youknow, did you brush your teeth?
You know?
Did you do your homework?
(43:37):
You know, did you do yourhomework, you know, and all of
the things.
So I'm wondering what has itbeen like and what have you
learned about building thatparental not a cool adult, but a
parental relationship with theyoung guy?
Speaker 3 (44:00):
I watched Ty a lot and I mimicked a lot of what he
was doing because he had beenthat for a year and a half, and
so, once I got over myinsecurities of making that
transition, I just startedwatching him and you know, I had
(44:24):
to find my own flavor.
But I I think like one of thethings was like okay, the first
thing that I feel like I had toreally fix is the play thing.
Right.
So like I couldn't, I couldn'tkeep that up every day.
Like I, I walk in yeah, we oldyou know what I'm saying Like
(44:45):
he's on all the time, not thismiddle adult life.
So like I walk in from work,miss Abby, and he'll run and
jump on me, which is reallysweet, and it's like, oh, this
is awesome.
And then, but it's like youknow, six, 37, and it'd be like,
okay, but, and then he'll keepjumping Right and keep jumping
(45:05):
and then pull me to go, like,can we do this?
Oh, can we do this, can we dothat?
You want to play with me, youwant to draw, you want to do all
this.
And I had to gain the courageto say, nah, buddy, not right
now.
I'm tired and not feel like Iwas being, you know, a bad, a
(45:27):
bad parent.
Um, and I cause I felt like Ihad more ground to make up right
.
Speaker 1 (45:29):
I had to prove that I wanted him here, kind of thing.
Speaker 3 (45:30):
And I didn't want him to feel like so that those were
.
But I I had to realize, and Tywould just remind me a lot like
he loves you, he knows you lovehim.
You got to rest, you don't haveto prove yourself so much.
But it took me a minute and so Ithink I watched him, you know,
separate and he would do areally good job, and still does,
(45:53):
when he and I are talking rightand we're hanging out and he
comes in and he, you know, hewants to be the center of
attention because he I aretalking right and we're hanging
out and he comes in and he wantsto be the center of attention
because he's a child, right, andmost children want to be the
center of attention when theyfeel like it.
And he'll say, hold on, buddy,we talking, you come back in a
minute, and for a while, like Iwould feel completely, I would
(46:14):
just shift and put my attentionon him.
But it's like I had to followhis, I had to follow Ty's lead
to say, no, like you know, we'retalking, wait, and you know,
give us that time and space sothat we could establish that
separation sometimes and notfeel bad, right, and not feel
(46:35):
like I wasn't adequate in hislife as a parent.
Speaker 2 (46:41):
We do the answer of your question.
Like you know, the beginning ofyour question, when you was
talking about the blended familything, like you know, the mom
goes from what you said likezero to a hundred about her kid
and all of that.
If, looking at thisrelationship and you didn't know
us, you would think that shewas his biological mother and I
(47:04):
was the stepfather.
Because Stop, like I mean it'dbe crazy.
Speaker 1 (47:15):
Like he takes her side, she takes his side, not to
a stepdad in your own home.
Speaker 2 (47:21):
No, oh what?
Yes, yes, baby, you can't dothis, you can't say this.
Now, one thing I'm glad thatshe got out of is buttering him
up.
We've had conversations aboutthat.
(47:42):
I would get on to him aboutthings only a man can do because
he's a boy, and we got thatstraightened out.
So she has quit that,thankfully.
But it'd be terrible at times,like, uh, one time I got on two
women I think I had to.
(48:03):
She sat me down and gave methis long speech and I just had
to just go in there andapologize to her, even though I
didn't want to.
I had to and in hindsight,looking at it, it was relevant.
It was relevant that time.
(48:25):
But you know, it just goes toshow that kids move off of they
move off of, of love, energy,and I think with that she has
won him over to the point whereyou wouldn't know.
Speaker 1 (48:46):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (48:48):
It's a father's child or anything, because of the
love she's shown and that's beenlike that since day one and he
would he would always have thatwith him and he would always be
thankful and grateful for hershe is that's so precious.
Speaker 1 (49:15):
Miss Abby, that is just adorable.
I'm interested to know Ty,because you know he knows a
world outside of y'all asparents what are kind of some of
your considerations, anxieties,fears around him, kind of
(49:40):
growing up in differentenvironments, and how are you
preparing for that?
Speaker 2 (49:48):
I think the one thing is we show him what a stable
home is, and not only that, hehas a community around him that
loves him and they show him thesame way.
So I think those teachings,along with keeping a clear, open
(50:10):
line of communication, allowinghim to express himself to us
without reprisal orrepercussions and allowing us to
give him the feedback that heneeds, I think with that,
keeping it Christian based asthe foundation, with that having
(50:32):
the community and all that, Ithink, outside of here, I think
he's safeguarding.
Now there are some things thathe's just can't prepare for.
I think if the basics likewe've all come from a strong
background right, like like somethings like the world don't
(50:53):
even affect us because of basedoff of our morals and values,
like like how we grew up and allof that, like we're still
covered with that now, trueenough, there enough.
There is some things that lifegets in the way and you're going
to have to figure it out onyour own, but that core still
there, that doesn't go anywhereand I lean on that.
(51:19):
It worked for me, it worked fory'all.
Y'all turned out pretty, prettygreat, and your friends, and so
I think, if we can stay withinthat, I think life is great.
Speaker 1 (51:33):
I'll let the world be the world that.
You know, when we think aboutblended families, you know, and
I do think that there there'ssome consideration, though that
y'all got him, you know, at anage where you could still build
foundation.
You know it would have beenvery different if this was like
(52:04):
a 16 or 17 year old, you know,and they'd be like you're not my
mom, you know, like you know it, no-transcript to back.
(52:39):
But you know, my mom gotremarried, um, afterwards, and I
remember, in being introducedto anytime there was a new
person, whether it was on mymom's side, on my dad's side.
You know, you go through thisphase where they're like I want
to take you shopping, I want toget you things, I want to do
things for you, you know, andand having just kind of like
(53:01):
those, those backgroundconversations with them, of like
those, those backgroundconversations with them.
But it took, it took somethingthat I don't know that I ever
really saw to, to say that thosepeople were going to parent me,
you know.
And so you guys have done justa masterful job in what?
(53:24):
Almost two years, yeah, are wecoming up on two?
I'm just coming up on two.
Okay, I didn't.
I was trying to figure out.
Speaker 3 (53:34):
Y'all got married in 23.
Yeah, we've been.
It's been two years marriage,but four years together.
Speaker 4 (53:39):
Yeah, oh, okay, got you.
Speaker 3 (53:43):
We had been together a year when he came Okay.
Speaker 1 (53:46):
Got you.
We had been together a yearwhen he came.
Okay, okay, so so three yearswith with him around, but kind
of almost to almost to like kindof just in this, like really
foundational structured you know, like um, and so I'm interested
(54:06):
, ruth Abigail, when you thinkabout kind of.
You know I'm not going to bethat person and I've never been
that person.
I can honestly say this I ain'tnever asked you when you're
going to have some kids.
you know I haven't, I have neverbeen that person, okay, I ain't
never been over there likewhere the nieces and nephews at.
(54:28):
But as you kind of think outinto the future, you have a son.
Now, right, I think you wouldsay I have a son, I am a mom, I
am a parent, I am, you know, apart of this.
But when you think about kindof your hope for whatever else
(54:51):
may come in the future, likewhat are some things that you
consider about trying to buildthose relationships to make sure
you know everybody has theirspace?
Speaker 3 (55:06):
Yeah, I a little bit.
Speaker 1 (55:06):
of it makes me nervous yeah you sound nervous.
Speaker 3 (55:12):
It makes me nervous.
I'm not naive as to believethat it won't be different at
some level.
You know what I mean.
I'm not naive about that.
I think what I want to besensitive about is that it
doesn't feel different to him.
Right, like I don't want, Inever want him to feel like I.
(55:35):
It's different because now Ihave a child that actually came
from me, um, and I think thatthe, the way I think about it is
like I.
It is like I want him to be apart of the whole process as
much as possible.
Right, being transparent.
This is what's happening, youknow, getting excited about it
(55:55):
and, like I was saying, likefunctioning as a unit around it.
Right, like this is.
And so I think that's even likerandomly talking about it even
now, right, um, just hey, dude,you know you'd be a really good
big brother Right, to which hehas said I don't want to be a
(56:16):
brick brother, I want to be alittle brother.
I said, well, it's a little toolate for that.
We missed that, um, but I think, like just making those
comments, and you know, I thinkI've asked him before like how
would you feel about having abrother or sister set and he
would have.
He'll give his thoughts andI'll listen, right, and then you
(56:36):
know he'll, we'll laugh aboutsomething or or whatever.
So I think just keeping that umconversation open with him as
well, and not like it's just ame and Ty thing and then he's
over here and oh, look, lookwhat happened.
Look, now you have to adjustyour life, no, like I want to be
intentional about that.
(56:58):
So I don't know, I thinkthere's a lot of unknowns there
and I don't know that I'll, Idon't.
We talk, you know, ty, and Italk all the time.
I'm like number one there'snever a right time, right,
there's.
No, there'll never be a righttime.
And so I think it's just amatter of you know when.
And if it happens, we're justgoing to take it in stride,
(57:21):
we're just going to do it rightand figure it out, like we've
been figuring other stuff outand we just kind of, you know,
that's just what we have to do,um, but yeah, ty, when you think
about hopes for the future andwhat does what you want this
blended family to to grow into?
Speaker 1 (57:40):
um, what, what?
What are you?
What do you envision when youthink 10 years down the line?
Speaker 2 (57:50):
I want our family to keep on the trajectory that it's
going on, while working on somethings that like building off
of what our parents left, off ofwhat they left us, and I think,
(58:12):
like we both came from a greatbackground.
It wasn't broke.
Like I said, if it ain't broke,don't fix it.
Speaker 3 (58:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (58:22):
Well, you can make it better, and I think we can uh
just keep, keep trending up withthat and just uh making the
world better than what that's soprecious.
We can do that by controllingwhat we can control and that's
uh giving our kids thefoundation, what we had, and
(58:43):
build off of that, and just keepthis thing going.
Just leave it.
Better for the next generationI love it.
Speaker 1 (58:50):
I think, um, I think we kind of we really had a theme
.
You know, I think when youthink about family just in
general, you know it'sgenerational.
You know and you know you both,like you said, you both come
from great families.
You both had love in thosefamilies.
You both saw parents who bothoperated in love and in
(59:15):
collaboration with one anotherto build who you guys are today.
Whether the family is blendedor not, you have an opportunity
to build something that yourchild, our children, are.
You know, whatever y'all decideto do, but you have it.
You have an opportunity tobuild something that one day
(59:36):
they'll build on, um, and so Ithink it doesn't.
I think it's important to know.
You know I was, I was justtalking with um, I was talking
with.
I think I was, I was justtalking with, I was talking with
I think it was you, ruth, and Iwas like you know, aunties
really just don't get enoughcredit out here.
You know, like I, my sister,had a baby and a lot of people
around me had babies.
So I'm like in auntie landright now and mother's day is
(59:58):
coming up and I'm like this is alot of pressure when the
aunties day at, you know, but Iam a.
I am a person that will have animpact in the lives of these
children, right, and soeverybody that you invite into
your community, whether it is aspouse that is not the
(01:00:20):
biological parent, whether it'sa sister, a brother, a friend,
grandparents, you know, churchmembers, school, everybody that
you invite into that world youare inviting to build, to help
you build the foundation forthat child.
And I think that if we look atblended families and see it as
(01:00:41):
just that simple, I mean wecould have got into the drama.
You know there's going to besome drama, right, there's going
to be, because blendingeverything don't always.
Sometimes there's a little oil,there's a little vinegar in
there.
Everything don't always mix,yeah, you know, everything
doesn't always, you know, cometogether, just right.
(01:01:04):
You know, even as you guys weretalking, you were talking in
reflection mode, you know, butwhen you were kind of in the
moment going through things, youweren't thinking, man, this is
just all going to work out andI'm going to be a better person,
you know, because of this andthis is wow God really knows
(01:01:25):
exactly what he's doing and I'mso grateful for this moment, you
know, but I think hopefully ithelps somebody to be able, now
that you guys are kind of twoyears out, of kind of like the
beginning of your parenthoodjourney together.
Hopefully it helps somebody tounderstand that you know, while
(01:01:47):
the moment may seem rocky atfirst, eventually you'll start
to see what God has been, thestones God has been laying down
for you that you can continue tobuild on.
Speaker 2 (01:01:58):
So and the one thing about that is you got to you got
to want it to work.
And if you both are on the sameboard and you want it to work,
then there's a lot of thingsthat's just not going to happen.
(01:02:21):
It's not going to come into it.
It's not going to come into it.
There's things that probablywould happen with somebody on
his side of the family or aparent or auntie or whatever.
She'll never know.
Because I want it, it won'teven get me to it, damn sure,
(01:02:44):
because it's not going to.
We're're gonna make this workand we're gonna make it work at
our cost yeah, that's what wewant and it's all done in love
when you protect that love.
So you just, you just gottawant it.
Speaker 3 (01:02:59):
You do, and I would say I would.
I would say that when you sayyou want it, what you're saying
is you want growth and you wantcommitment, regardless of
anything else.
And I think, like coming into asituation and I think here's
the thing, honestly, you know wetalk about how quick this was,
(01:03:21):
but you know, we got married butwe committed to each other
before we got married.
Right, I mean, I had committedto him and I committed to Tyson
before we got married.
So when he said, hey, he needsto stay, my commitment was
already there.
So I didn't change mycommitment, I just changed the
plan.
And because you have, you haveto change the plan um to to meet
(01:03:45):
the commitment.
And so I think, um, oh, that'sgood that's going to be
necessary throughout your entirerelationship with you know
whether you're coming in, uh,with children, when you, if you
have your own children, um, justthe things that are going to
happen in your life that youcan't control, that you can't
predict, like commitment isgoing to have to be a part of it
(01:04:08):
.
Before you get to it, you haveto have decided, like he said,
that you want it and so youcommit it.
Okay, like this is what it is,and so you know.
I think we both enter into thatevery day, by choice, because
it's also not just one time.
You know we don't, we don'tagree on everything we've had,
(01:04:31):
you know, just arguments andissues that we've had to work
through.
Speaker 4 (01:04:35):
Well, we have argued yelled at each other.
Speaker 3 (01:04:38):
You know I mean OK, we never had an argument that's
fair, we don't have arguments.
We do have disagreements, thatis true, and we communicate and
we talk through it, andsometimes we land in the same
place, sometimes we don't, it'slike you know, and sometimes you
(01:04:58):
just have to, but thecommitment is there and we're
committed to continuing to dothat Right.
And so I think that I justthink that's so important for
anybody who is, who ispotentially entering into this
space of a blended family.
You meet somebody who alreadyhas kids, which, like you said,
(01:05:21):
queda especially once you hit 30, 35, that's more than likely
going to happen.
And so, preparing your mind forthat and making sure you commit
before you know You're notgoing to know, and so you've
made the commitment, so youpivot according to the
(01:05:42):
commitment, and I think that'shuge.
So when you say you wantsomething, that's part of it.
Speaker 1 (01:05:51):
That's good stuff, folks.
I was going to tell them togive their last little piece of
advice to the folks, but theydid it without me asking, so I I
would Call us on that Ty.
Speaker 2 (01:06:09):
Back to when we first started dating.
The whole entire thing was likeI wasn't looking for this.
We talk about it all the time.
I wasn't looking for this.
There's things that I didn't do.
I wasn't in church like that.
(01:06:29):
I didn't go to church outsideof a wedding or a funeral or
something like that.
I didn't do that.
I didn't go to certainfunctions.
I didn't do certain things.
What I was is I was willing totry different things.
I was always, and I found agreat young woman that kind of
(01:06:56):
helped me, mold me into that anduh, and I love it.
And the thing about it is likeshe didn't know, she didn't put
my feet to the Friday.
She, she made me do it and shemade it fun and uh, and that's
(01:07:19):
precious.
I mean my nephew we always talkabout it like we was sitting
out the day of the wedding andwe was lined up and he was on
the wall with his orange costume.
You remember you told me youwould never get married and I
said look at you now.
(01:07:40):
And then I said Eli was likealright, wow, literally that's
how it happened.
Yeah, so, but yeah, it's justjust be open.
I said Eli.
I was like all right, wow,literally that's how it happened
.
Yeah, so, but yeah, it's justbe open.
Just be open to try certainthings like you know.
Just live without borders.
You know, respect each other.
You know you can be.
It's okay to disagree.
Just don't be disagreeable andjust be a spawn.
(01:08:05):
Nobody's perfect, amen, star.
Speaker 3 (01:08:05):
Nobody's perfect amen , nobody's perfect.
Speaker 1 (01:08:10):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (01:08:11):
It's the gardeners, everyone it is, and we have a
third one who wanted to come onand say something I literally
was thinking let me go get him.
Speaker 1 (01:08:21):
we got a special guest y'all.
It's the man of the hour.
Say hey to the people, tyson,hi.
So, tyson, we just spent alittle time talking about how
special you are.
I heard that there's a sign.
Oh my goodness, what ishappening?
Here we go.
(01:08:42):
All right, here we go.
Speaker 3 (01:08:44):
We're on camera, buddy, so here we go all right,
here we go, we're on camera,buddy.
Speaker 1 (01:08:51):
So this is.
Oh okay, wait a minute, Ididn't know you drew like that.
That's a nice horse.
Okay, tyson's room.
And then what else does thissay?
Sorry y'all, this is a littlechaotic hold on.
Speaker 4 (01:09:12):
Okay, all right, this is blended family, so it says
caution, please knock.
Unless you are my dad, please.
Speaker 1 (01:09:18):
And me, okay, so everybody, so your dad doesn't
have to knock, he can just go in.
Speaker 4 (01:09:27):
Because he said what he said.
Speaker 1 (01:09:31):
Ty, what did you say?
Speaker 4 (01:09:38):
What did he say?
No, you say it, you say it.
Speaker 2 (01:09:45):
It's a little bit.
It's several things.
It's been passed down fromgeneration to generation.
Oh, okay.
Speaker 4 (01:09:57):
That's not about this case.
Speaker 1 (01:10:00):
What happened in this case?
Speaker 2 (01:10:02):
Okay, what is it?
Speaker 4 (01:10:05):
We're talking about parenting.
Speaker 1 (01:10:10):
He said this ain't about the bills, this is about
the parenting, Alright.
Speaker 2 (01:10:17):
well, what's up?
What is it about?
Speaker 4 (01:10:20):
People know that it's my room.
They have to follow the rules.
So just in case, like, likewhen I'm changing clothes,
people people.
So people can know that.
Speaker 1 (01:10:38):
So people can know that they should not first
before they come in now Tyson,correct me if I'm wrong, but on
this camera are all the peoplewho live in the house, right?
So when you say people, thatstarts fights don't it.
(01:11:04):
That's less.
Well, listen, we're really gladwe could have you on camera,
because it's not a full gardenerfamily without you, all right.
So do you want to help me closeit out?
We need to tell the people,right, that they need to do
three things right they need tolike, they need to share and
they need to subscribe.
(01:11:24):
Can you tell the people to dothat real quick?
Speaker 4 (01:11:28):
Everybody like subscribe.
Everybody like subscribe andshare.
Speaker 1 (01:11:34):
Listen, you heard it from the man himself.
Okay, if you have not becomepart of the community yet, all
right, get in on this.
Hit the bell, hit the button.
All right, because we'rerolling.
Get in on this.
Hit the bell, hit the buttonAll right, because we're rolling
.
This has been the last episodeof Ruth Abigail's and the
Unlearned Podcast parentingseries.
(01:11:54):
We're so excited that we get toend it with Tyson and that we
got to have just an amazingconversation.
Thank you, ty, for coming on.
Ruth Abigail, you know weappreciate you as well.
Speaker 3 (01:12:06):
Thank you, Taquita, for hosting.
Speaker 1 (01:12:08):
But anyways, this has been Unlearned Podcast.
Hopefully today you earned,learned something and you're
able to walk in just a littlebit more freedom.
So until next time, which willbe next week, we will see y'all
later, peace, peace, peace,peace.
We'll see y'all later, peace,peace.
Speaker 3 (01:12:29):
Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned
Podcast.
We would love to hear yourcomments and your feedback about
the episode.
Feel free to follow us onFacebook and Instagram and to
let us know what you think.
We're looking forward to thenext time when we are able to
unlearn together to move forwardtowards freedom.
(01:12:49):
See you then.
what's up?
Everybody?
It's your girl, jaquita.
This is the unlearned podcast,where we help you to change your
mind so that you yes, you canexperience more freedom.
Guys, as you can see, I did theintro today because it is a
special day.
Okay, it is a special day, okay.
It is a wonderful day, okay,today we have the gardeners.
(00:26):
Y'all, everybody give it up forTy and Ruth Abigail.
What's up?
People Say hey to the people.
Ty, hey everybody.
Hey Right, we have the lovelycouple.
Ruth Abigail has done afantastic job without me, okay,
a fantastic job.
I know y'all miss me.
(00:48):
I know that people was like,wait, I'm back.
Okay, here I go, okay.
But Ruth Abigail has done afantastic job on this parenting
series and we wanted to makesure that we hit as many facets
of parenting as we could, and werealized there was one topic
(01:09):
that we hadn't hit yet, that thegardeners are just a perfect
little prototype for.
So today we're going to switchit up a little bit.
I'll be doing the interviewing,okay, and we're going to have a
fun time with Ruth and Ty.
Ruth, have a good time withyour friend.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
I'm a little nervous.
I ain't going to lie to you.
I'm nervous because I don'tknow how much I like you having
this much control over theconversation.
I don't know, I don't likebeing vulnerable.
You know, like this, this is alittle much.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
And that's been the last 20 years of friendship.
So what's new about that?
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Finally somebody, she can root.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Listen, ty.
Okay, let me tell you something.
My brother know I always gothis back.
He know, he know if he needbackup, he know who to call.
That's why we had to make sure,see, we couldn't let Ruth
Abigail do this by herself,friends All right, because she
would have been over here tryingto monopolize the conversation,
trying to lead Ty, nah, nah,nah nah, nah.
(02:15):
We're putting both of them onequal grounds.
That's right Ty, I feel it See,I see my poor brother, my poor
brother been out here justpushing through.
Listen today, ty, that's whatthis is all about.
It's about you, bro.
It's about you, wow, it's aboutyou, I'm just.
(02:36):
But, guys, today we're here totalk about blended families.
Ok, we're talking aboutfamilies that came together,
that had family before, hadchildren before, had a story
before their story began, and soreally wanting to just touch on
(02:59):
kind of what's special about,you know, being in the being in
that situation.
You know, I see a lot ofFacebook posts that talk about
being bonus moms and you know,this isn't my stepchild, this is
, this is my baby.
You know, this is, this is partof my family, and so we really
want to kind of dig into some ofthat, because it's a lot of
people's reality.
(03:19):
You know, I'm 38 out here inthe dating world, yes, out here
in the dating world.
Yes, out here in the datingworld.
Okay, still out, still out here.
You know, gotta let them know.
But, and you know that's like,it's like a reality that I'm
like it is highly likely that Imight find myself in a, in a, in
(03:40):
a blended family where we'reworking together to build
something new, in a blendedfamily where we're working
together to build something new.
So I want to begin, ty, let'sbegin with you.
I want to hear your version ofthe how I met my wife story.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
So tell us a little bit about kind of like y'all's
relationship, how it began, howwe got to the beautiful place we
are now.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Well, it's back in 2021.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
All right, Ty, it's too early for you to be having
to guess years and things now.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
April 2021.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
There you go.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
It was rolling dice oh boy.
And I took all the guy moneyand that's all we had left.
You want to bet that?
Okay?
So I just wanted a dice game.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
That sounds stellar, let's clean that up real quick.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
No, no, no, no no.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
All I heard was him say that you're his prize, and
that was beautiful is that whatyou heard?
That's what I heard four yearslater wow that's probably
everyone that's beautiful
Speaker 3 (05:02):
the real story no, go ahead the real story, the real
story is we met on Facebooknight.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
He was like late one night and I was up and I think I
was scrolling or something likethat and she like matched back
and I texted her and we startedcommunicating and she would
always like she would alwayssend me these long drawn-out
texts and I'm like astraight-to-the-point type of
(05:33):
texter.
It's like, hey, how you doing,I'm fine, how are you?
And she'll go off.
Oh, I'm great, She'll tell meabout her day and all this.
It'd be a whole paragraph.
Well, I ended up having torespond like that and it was out
of.
I had no way to respond.
I'd have to respond my day wasgreat and this and that, and
(05:56):
then with the whole emojis andall that.
Oh you were putting on.
Yeah Well, I had to match it.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Yeah Okay, matching energy, putting on yeah Well, I
had to match it.
Yeah Okay, matching energy.
Yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
I had to match that, and so we went from there.
And then finally it was like Iwas cooking one day.
I'll never forget what I wascooking.
I think it was chicken and riceat the time, and I was just
like hey, I couldn't do both atthe same time.
So I was like, hey, just blockyour number out and call.
(06:29):
I didn't know if she was okay,it was so early in the game and
just giving a number out likethat so I was just like hey,
just block your number out andcall.
Ever since then it's been up.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
That is beautiful.
I don't think I've ever heardit from Ty.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
Yeah, no, he didn't just say block your number, he
said star 69 me.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
I said block, that's old school, that's old school
right there I know I'm a littlebehind the curve with some
things, but I don't think I saidstar 69.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
You said star 69.
I remember that because I saidto myself star 69.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
I heard that 20 years ago Listen, boy, let me tell
you something.
Ninth grade Jaquita, when Iwanted to call somebody star 69,
you ain't finna, Because whencaller ID came, it told too much
about business.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
It changed the game.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Two things changed the game that caller ID and that
three-way calling.
When you get the beep when youused to be on the phone, you get
the beep you be like hold on.
The game has changed.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Yes, I don't remember the Star 69, but I remember I
could have said it.
I don't know.
And ever since then, I don'tthink we never text again.
I think it's just all been.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
We mostly just talked .
Speaker 4 (07:56):
He told me to call him and he told me to call him
(08:19):
and I did.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
He didn't answer and it was late.
He said give me five minutes,which at the time I didn't
realize really meant 30 minutes.
And so I out there for thesingle folk.
Okay, I have forayed in and out, in and out in and out of of
the online dating world.
Like I go on there for two daysI'd be like this is terrible.
And I I also I'm actually not atexter, but when I was
(08:43):
interested in somebody I'd belike, all right, let me hit them
with the, let me hit them withthe monologue, real quick, you
know, let me let me hit themwith a little extra spice.
And so I think that that'sinteresting, like you know, like
people realizing what you'rehonestly looking for some for is
for someone to match energy.
Like that's just like thatindication of that first initial
(09:03):
spark.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
So that's a very good point yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Like you know, like ty was like there's something,
there's something about this onethat makes me want to do a
little bit more than my norm.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
I was texting like this long of a paragraph, and
all of that is just so listen.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Ty said I'm over here writing dissertations, listen
oh my god listen and I thinkthere's also another good point.
You can only do that for solong, folks.
Yes, we, we're not textingparagraphs for three years.
No, that's a lot, you know.
Eventually you do have to moveto a different means of
(09:39):
communication right.
move to the.
I'm sorry for the sidebar, butI felt like somebody needed.
They needed that point Right.
And so you know we're talkingabout blended families and Ty,
I'm really interested and Ruth,we'll come to you in a moment.
Just sit there, sit tight for alittle bit, I'm really
interested.
During the dating phase, likewhen you knew that, you know you
(10:02):
were really interested in RuthAbigail and that it was getting
serious, at what point did yousay, okay, I'm going to have to
be One?
At what point did you say, okay, it's time for me to tell her
that I have kids?
And then, at what point did youstart thinking I'm going to
(10:25):
have to bring these worldstogether in some way?
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Day one Because I knew the based off of the
dialogue and you know, readingher bio and then doing a little
research on her, you stalked her, a little bit research on her.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
You stalked her a little bit.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
You know, I just knew her.
I knew her as a person and itmade me just jump like this.
Definitely you know her and Iknow she would be.
She would be happy about it.
She would love it Basically,like how he is as a kid, and
(11:07):
their energies match and I knowthey would love each other and I
know that, most importantly, hewould love her based off of how
he is, but it's just how sheaccepted him.
It's like they hit the groundrunning.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Right off the bat and that was such a blessing and I
really really got lucky.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
I love that.
So, ruth Abigail, I'm trying toremember, I'm trying to rack my
brain here.
Okay, was this your first timedating a man with a child?
Yeah, okay, yeah, what duringthe dating phase?
What were?
Some of the apprehensions arejust kind of like background
(11:52):
thoughts that were kind oftickling kind of like the back
of your mind about you know what, what?
Uh, I mean, you know you workwith kids, right, so I don't
imagine you being nervous thatthere's a child here in your
space.
But what about, kind of, as therelationship was building, what
(12:13):
were some of the things goingon in the mental space about
that?
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Yeah, I well, I'm going to say this.
And, baby, if you think we needto edit this out, we can, but I
in the beginning, um, he, he,we didn't.
We, we didn't know if he wasgoing to be here permanently.
Like it was, it was a sharedsituation, like it was more of
on a schedule.
Right, honestly, I didn't haveany apprehension, because it
(12:43):
really was, because I do workwith kids and I knew immediately
.
I had no apprehension aboutconnecting with them, partly
because I'm just comfortablewith kids, and I knew that the
only thing I was apprehensive ofwas like, I mean, I'm my best
comfort level is like teenagers.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
He was seven and I knew I was going to have to like
my energy.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
You know what I'm saying Like I was going to have
to play and like I was like Idon't know what else to do with
play.
And I think that was the thing.
I just, when I come around, Ijust play, and Ty, he would be
like you can't, he's going tolike run over you.
You can't like keep doing that.
And I was like it's fine, it'sfine, it's fine.
And so I just play because Iwant to connect with them, and I
(13:25):
felt like I could do thatbecause it wasn't a permanent,
everyday situation.
You know, I would see him mostlyon the weekends.
We'd be together doing stuffand I could go hard, right,
because then I was coming backhome and I was, and I was, you
(13:54):
know, before we found out thathe was going to stay here in
Memphis with us.
In my mind it was just going tobe that same thing, same
pattern right, Go hard for alittle bit and then rest, you
know.
And so I didn't have thatbranch and I said I could do
that.
I kind of do that now, right,with people that'm with.
We go hard, they go home, we gohard, they go home.
Right, and that was my.
It was like I could do that allday.
I think the apprehension came.
(14:15):
Apprehension may be a strongword, but I didn't realize I had
to rethink this when it was oh,he's going to live, he's going
to be here, right.
Um, that's a different energy,and that because my life wasn't
(14:37):
set up, to be totally honest, tohave a child Just just to be
honest and to piggyback off whatyou just said, neither was mine
.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
He came for spring break and he never left.
I don't think he's looking forgold to grab his clothes, and I
had a one bedroom apartment.
You know, and I think this iswhat I love about her we made it
work, she jumped right in.
It was was very, very helpful.
(15:07):
It was very beneficial.
We're ever grateful for that.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Oh, that's beautiful, Ty, that's absolutely beautiful
.
You said more beautiful wordsthan Ruth Abigail and I wanted
to give y'all just plans.
But you know, I think thatthat's something, that's
something really to consider,because one, when we think about
being a bonus parent, right,especially depending on the
situation, it can fluctuate.
(15:35):
Yeah, right, at one momentyou're the fun weekend parent
and you know you were, you wereprobably going to do something
fun on weekend anyway, you knowthat's not necessarily you
bringing them into your everydayworld.
That is you being like hey, youknow, because I only have you
for three days, you know we'regoing to eat out, we're going to
(15:55):
go do something fun, we'regoing to watch movies, we're
going to play, and you're noteven going to really think about
it and you're not even going toreally think about it.
But when it comes to, like,really having to settle into
this idea of I'm going to beraising this kid, right, ruth,
(16:19):
I'm really interested, as youwere thinking through, because,
right, so you move from I'm thefun, I'm the fun, you know,
bonus person in your life.
Right, like I'm, I'm a, I'm afun addition.
You know, like, like Velcro, meon for the weekends, and then
you know, just, you know, takethat right on off.
You know, when the week comes,when you realize that it was
(16:43):
about to switch, what things didyou have to do internally, kind
of like mentally andemotionally, as well as
externally, as far as likeorganizing or reorganizing your
life to make space inside of youfor parenthood?
Speaker 3 (17:02):
Excellent question.
I'm good at what I do.
I see that, so I I didn't havea lot of time to figure it out,
which I actually, in hindsight,am.
I am grateful for that.
I think I would haveoverthought it.
And so Ty tells me I overthinkthings, which he's not wrong,
and I think I would haveoverthought.
I would have overthought itwrong and I think I would have
(17:25):
overthought.
I would have overthought itRight.
And so, okay, all the faces, um, uh, so I, when we found out it
was two days before our weddingday, uh, two or three days a
day before the rehearsal dinner,yes, that Thursday, so that we
found out he was going to stayOur.
The plan was for him to.
(17:46):
We were going to drive him backto Georgia in a few days, right
.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
We was going to drive him back on the 7th.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
Yeah that's right, and go to leave there and go to
our honeymoon and go to ourhoneymoon right, and so that was
our plan, okay, so wait, justfor the timeline purpose.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Y'all got married August 5, honeymoon, right,
right, and so that was our plan.
Okay, so wait, just for thetimeline purpose.
Y'all got married on the 5thAugust.
5th, right, right, so August3rd you found out, yes, he was
going to be staying, that'sright.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Yeah, that's right, right, the fourth.
The fourth was the rehearsaldinner.
It was the day before that,that Thursday, and so we so,
yeah, we found out.
And then he had school thatseventh, which is a Monday, so
(18:38):
he was going to be in school inGeorgia.
Okay, that's where we weretaking him to.
Well, when it flipped, wedidn't find out, so we had to
just pivot.
I mean, fast, right, everythingchanged that weekend.
Um the night of our weddingchanged that weekend, you know,
um, our, our whole world shiftedand both of our world shifted
(19:02):
Right, like, like he was, I meanso.
So I think the blessing in thatwas we both had to figure
things out together, um, prettyquickly.
So that was.
I think that was a blessing.
I think, on my end, I'm aproblem solver by nature, so I
was just in problem solving modeOkay, we just got thrown a
(19:22):
wrench, let's go Like it wasn'teven a.
I wasn't thinking about how itwas affecting me, or emotional,
like what am I doing?
I didn't think about that untilmaybe a couple of weeks in and
I think, and, babe, you can, youknow, you could kind of share
(19:43):
your side on this.
I was really, um, I think thething that I was the most
concerned about was whether ornot I would have time or energy
to actually be a parent, becausemy life was revolved around
work and by being totally honest, my, you know, my world was
(20:04):
work.
If I'm being totally honest, myworld was.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
I was moving, I had a pace that at the time, I wasn't
sure if I could slow downenough to be a good wife and
mother.
You know what I mean.
So you were already mentallymaking preparations to budget
your time and your energy to bea wife.
How did that, you know, withsuch a quick transition, how did
(20:28):
you then kind of pivot tohaving to reorganize yourself to
be both?
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Yeah, okay.
So what our original plan andcorrect me if I'm wrong was he
like he was going to go and kindof work on a project and be
back and forth and kind of youknow doing?
a lot of land development, youknow that, things like that and
(20:58):
so he was going to be back andforth, I was going to keep doing
so.
We had kind of negotiated thatwe, these first few years were
going to be a lot of movementfor both of us because we were
really working towards stuff,and so we were going to have the
freedom and flexibility to dothat.
And so what you know, as far asme being a wife was concerned,
we kind of worked that out right, like we knew, cause we're both
(21:20):
very um, you know we're bothvery, you know we're hard
workers, we're goal oriented,and we knew what we wanted to be
.
And so we started off like that.
And then we had a child and youcan't move like that with a
child, so like.
So it just it really kind ofslowed us both down, it slowed
(21:42):
the plan down, and so I thinkthat because we had communicated
so well as to what we wanted todo as a married couple, we were
good, like my life wasn't goingto shift that much in the next
couple of years because we had aplan.
Is that accurate, babe?
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Yes, yes, I would say so, definitely.
I mean, uh, you know, from mypoint of view and I can speak
for my looking, you know, speakfor my looking to you I think
you, you made a huge sacrificein what you did.
(22:25):
It was okay for it to be wrongwith me and I had to make some
changes, but you had to makemore than me.
You took it in stride.
Thankfully, I never forget ourwedding day or was it the fourth
or something like that.
(22:47):
I think it was the fourth baby.
When we found out he wasstaying, I said, hey, he's going
to have a stay.
Okay, let's get it set up, gethim registered in school, let's
grab him some clothes, grab himthings he needs and let's get it
going.
It him registered in school,grab him some clothes, grab him
things he needs and let's get itgoing.
(23:07):
And it's like, right at thatmoment, we went from Planning a
honeymoon Dropping him off,planning a honeymoon Wanting to
relax, to boom okay, dead in thewater.
We can't go, we gotta changethis.
This is the plan.
So let's execute.
In the water.
We can't go.
We gotta change this.
This is the plan, so let'sexecute.
(23:28):
And it flowed so smoothly thatit seemed like it was planned
and it was all because of herand that was a blessing.
We got things done and it wouldhave took two weeks.
We got it done in a day.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
We got it done in a day.
We got it done in a day.
No, I definitely remember y'allrunning around and that school
thing was the fun yeah it was afun piece.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
I remember I was in Walmart buying school supplies
right after the wedding.
Buying school supplies rightafter the wedding.
And somebody was pushing thebuggy and they backed up.
Speaker 4 (24:10):
I'm like.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Ty what you doing in here buying school supplies.
You just got married.
It was Candace.
It was Candace.
Oh, that's right she did.
She did buy school supplies.
Candace goes to the.
That's right she did.
Candace goes to the church.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
That's exactly right.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
Now that is hilarious , Ty.
You said something interestingwhen you were giving yet another
beautiful tribute to RuthAbigail.
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Let's just say this.
Let's say it.
Let's say it.
He's way better at words ofaffirmation than I am.
He is much sweeter with hiswords and his tone and all that.
He just is, which is why wework so well, because I'm not as
(25:03):
Listen.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Ty, somebody had to take up the mantle that the rest
of us gave up on, ok, we.
You made the point that, ruthAbigail, you felt like she
sacrificed more than you did,and when you said that, the
thought just kind of crossed onmy mind, ran across my mind,
(25:25):
that you know, like you had had,you know, your son at that
point for seven years.
You know he was part of yourlife and even though, because
you know, we just talked abouthow you weren't necessarily
ready to be full-time custodialparent either, right, and so
what things about bringing onfull time parenthood for both of
(25:49):
you, do you feel like you alsohad to sacrifice?
Because it sounds like, because, like, you're taking on, like
this kind of sense ofresponsibility of like this is
my kid and I brought this kidinto the relationship, and so
you felt more responsible.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
So you look at the levels of sacrifice a little bit
differently sacrifice in termsof like with me and her
relationship, or just like, justlike let's go for both.
It sounds like you got somethoughts okay, um, uh, well,
when it, when it came to me, uh,it was just more, so I had to
change the things that I was Iwas doing.
Uh, I had to make a lot ofchanges in terms of, you know,
(26:35):
from cost of my I spend my money, to how I spend my time, to
when I can go out on the road,to just everything.
I did Like I had to change itbecause now it's just you know,
I'm about you.
You have a child with you now.
It's not over the phone anymore, it's not.
(26:56):
You know you stand the weekendand you know it's over that
phone.
It's not over the phone anymore, it's not.
You know he's staying theweekend and you know so that's
all.
He's a Jew now.
So I had to change a lot, but itwas for the better, though the
changes I made.
Some of the stuff that I had tochange I needed to change.
I started looking at it.
I'm glad I made the changes.
(27:18):
It made me a better person Atleast I feel like I did and I
got him here with me.
That was awesome.
Now, when it comes to therelationship, I think it was
just more so trying to find thatbalance.
More so trying to find thatbalance where you know you're
(27:38):
not you're, you're sharing yourtime, equally, you're showing
you know him love and notletting her and vice versa.
I think that that was like thebiggest thing.
But once, once that came likeI'm an easy going guy, so you
know it's not too much that Ican't change.
(28:03):
I don't need to do this for thesake of all of us hanging out
together, finding time foreveryone.
It wasn't bad.
I know that, like I said, I'mnot trying to keep.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
It's all right, give her one more, one more.
It was just.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Yeah, yeah, one out of a thousand.
That's so sweet, but it wasjust more so about her.
It's about, you know, like shetook in a whole other child, and
a whole another child is aentirely piece of responsibility
and I don't know the statisticsof it, but that doesn't go well
(28:50):
like that, and especially atsuch short notice, and you know
we had totally different plans.
She sacrificed more, so we'rejust grateful for that.
And then it worked right, likethe sacrifices I made, the
(29:11):
sacrifices she made, you know,even with him, and like we find
happiness in the sacrifices wemade to spend time with each
other, and it's been verybeneficial.
We play Uno at night, you know.
We play games at night, youknow just that bonding time.
Sometimes we sit down and, youknow, watch a movie or eat
(29:34):
dinner together, just being eachother's presence, and that's so
much better than going out ofservice at times, or just
hanging out with a bunch of guysor whatever, and it's like I
find solace in being in the soul.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
It all boils down to the sacrifices that were made
Mainly because Can I say yeah,can I say this?
He still goes to the cigar bar,though he still hangs out with
his guys.
I still hang out with people,you know, and I still do things
that I that I do.
I've, you know.
I've just came from out of townwith a family trip.
(30:18):
I was in Greenville with y'allRight, and so we have still.
I think the beauty of being onthe same page has been we've
been able to allow each other tostill have our life because we.
One thing that I appreciateabout him that I feel like I had
(30:40):
to really, um, now I'm going totoot his horn because he
doesn't.
I'm going to toot his horn.
Yeah, you owe him you owe himat least one.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, get in there.
Speaker 3 (30:50):
So one thing I really appreciate about him, uh, is
that he refused to allow me tototally neglect things that I
came in with.
He wouldn't let me do it right.
Whether it's my work, myrelationships, the activities I
like to do, my me time, all ofthat.
(31:13):
He insisted that I keep it andit took me a minute to believe
that he really meant that and Ithink that was a lot of the
anxiety I had in the beginning,probably for the first year or
so.
I would try to overcompensatebecause I was like you know I'm,
you know I would tell him Iwill be home, you know, earlier
(31:36):
than I normally am, and makesure that I'm gonna cook and do
all the things I felt like I wassupposed to do and you know I
wanted that was a struggle youknow like because, because,
truth be told, that was hard forme, a lot to you.
it was hard and I tried toovercompensate and I felt like I
(31:57):
was failing because I couldn'tbe all in as a parent the way I
saw it Right.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Oh and so.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
Or just like with the marriage time.
Yeah, in general like themarriage time, and she would
always, would always.
Maybe I'm gonna be late tonight.
Speaker 4 (32:19):
I apologize, okay I'm starting to get like sarcastic
with her.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
You know, just like I'm, I'm done with this, like he
would.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
He would be like I don't, fine, I don't care, I
don't care, I don't care, youknow, and all this stuff.
I'll be like what you, you know, don we, you know?
But like we, I had to.
I had to believe that heactually was for me continuing
to be me.
You know what I mean, and thatis a gift and I that's an
(32:53):
amazing gift to having a husband.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
No, I love that.
Good job, ruth, abigail.
We're proud of you.
Thank you very much.
I had a thought, though, as youwere talking, because for me,
as you were talking about kindof like what you were trying to
do, where were you pulling thismodel of this is who I'm
supposed to be, because youdidn't come from a blended
(33:18):
family.
No, so when you think aboutyour own parenting style, how
are you bringing in your ownexperiences with kind of this
new world of blended life, likehow are you trying to kind of
merge those?
Speaker 3 (33:37):
Well, I think that's the thing.
Like, I didn't come from ablended situation, so I I'm only
pulling from my mother and whatshe did and my mom.
She was, you know, at the top ofher career when she had kids.
She, she left that entirelyRight and um, that, that, and
(34:01):
then she, so she devoted all hertime to being at the house and
um, doing all the doing thelaundry, doing the, you know,
cooking every night, um, doingpickups, all the things I don't
do every night.
And it bothered me, right, itbothered me so much and I was
like, I don't know every night,and it bothered me, right, it
bothered me so much and I waslike I don't know how to fulfill
(34:22):
this.
Well, I'm not doing what I'msupposed to be doing.
Wow, and he and he, he wasright, and so it was just, it
was and, and, and I had toaccept, and he has helped me to
accept number one, this rolething, which I didn't even
realize was going to be a thing,honestly, for me.
But this role thing was a thingfor me, like, no, no, no, this
(34:45):
is what I'm supposed to do asthe wife, right, is this, this
and that?
And so I and he has helped meto realize where partners I like
, where, where I am in my life,and my schedule is much more
flexible than yours.
So I'm going to take this.
This is my job, not yours.
Right For right now, you knowwhat I mean.
(35:05):
Like so it's like okay, but Ididn't believe him.
Honestly, I'll be honest, Idon't know if he's ever heard me
say this before.
I really thought I was like, ifI, if, if I keep doing this, I
don't think he's going to wantto stick around for that.
Like I'm thinking, like there'sno way that this man is going
to be okay with me going all inwith what he's telling me to go
(35:26):
all in with, if I like.
Continue to pursue what you'redoing, you know.
Continue to run theorganization.
Well, continue to go out and doyou?
Nah, you don't mean that I'mgoing to lose you.
I thought I was.
I really that was in my mind.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
Ty, I'm interested in knowing because, as Ruth
Abigail is just talking aboutjust kind of the man, the
husband and the father that youare, where did this value system
come from?
Because there's not a.
You know, every, every marriageis different, every couple is
different and everybody bringskind of a different perspective
(36:05):
to it, but all men are not likehey, you know what I'm saying,
just work it out, you know.
You know, do what you do, youknow, keep all the things that
are important to you, like where, how, how did you learn that
value system?
Speaker 2 (36:22):
I think growing up, growing up and watch how my mom
and dad operated.
We kind of grew up in the samehousehold.
That's how I say it.
My dad did all the work andthen the mom.
(36:42):
She ran the house and we grew uplike that.
But also I grew up seeing likehow my dad he wasn't my mom and
my dad, they wasn't like bothtype people Like when it came to
their relationship they gaveeach other their space.
They did that.
And I met you on the force.
(37:06):
I know who you are and I lovethat about you.
So for me to do anything than tostop stopping you from doing
what you love is not who I am.
(37:27):
I'm not a I'm not aoverprotective, overbearing type
of person.
I'm not a jealous person in abad way.
I'm not like that.
And I get.
It gets me up to see my lady gohome.
That's so precious it gets me.
(37:50):
It makes it just brings a senseof pride and I love that and it
motivates me.
And so, hey, do your thing.
A sense of pride and I lovethat and it motivates me.
And so, hey, do your thing.
You know, hey, if you gottastay out late, go ahead.
I know what you got, I knowwhat it takes and anything I can
help you with.
(38:11):
Whatever.
Like, do that because of youknow we're trying to scale this
thing in order to scale it.
We can't sit home.
We can't miss things or notchecking all the boxes, gotten
all the I's crossing all the T'sand this is what it takes and
I'm for that and I love it and Ilove that you like that.
(38:35):
No, I always joke about it.
I was like baby.
I'd have checked my I's.
I always joke about it.
I was like baby.
I ought to change my life.
I would have been.
You ever met a gardener who didit?
Patty the Bill, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, I was not ready.
Not, I was not ready.
Speaker 4 (39:01):
I was not ready.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
That's hilarious we say that.
But it's just like.
It just shows like you know,I'm all in for you and I know
the drive that you have, I loveit.
You gotta go places.
You gotta go for you, and Iknow the drive that you have, I
love it.
You got to go places.
You got to go, we got to do, wegot to go hang out with your
(39:27):
friend, who deserves it.
I used to tell her quit tellingme what you're doing.
Speaker 3 (39:31):
He did.
Speaker 2 (39:34):
Just do it.
She would get a little rival.
You should know I know whatyou're doing.
I know you don't.
Don't feel like you gotta youknow, just I don't know.
Speaker 3 (39:50):
Let me, I'm not right here on giving you your space
and I trust you can I say, likeeverything he's saying and this,
this, this is not arelationship conversation, but I
do think it matters.
Like the things that I wasdoing were things that I was
told to do by people I trust andpeople who were giving me kind
(40:12):
of like bad advice, which Idon't think is bad advice.
But I think then you have tolike I didn't marry men, I
married a man, right.
So you can't, you can't putwhat people have experienced
with men on your man.
It doesn't work.
And so then I had to say, okay,I hear all that.
But then I hear what my man issaying, oh, okay, and I it's
(40:38):
like, am I going to payattention to what they're saying
about their experiences or whathe's saying about him?
And I had to decide, yeah, andit took me about a year to
decide Like I'm going to believehim, but you know, and nobody's
wrong.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:55):
I'm sorry, go ahead, nobody's wrong.
You just have to go with whatworks for you.
If that works for us, then whatwe're doing works for us, so be
it.
Whatever works for anybody else, it works.
It's not a right or wrong, it'sjust what works for you.
Either one of them would workfor us.
(41:16):
But I know that what she'strying to accomplish, the things
that was told to her, we got topull together and do them.
And I don't mind washing theclothes, cleaning the house or
if I'm home you know I got a lotof free time, that's my job.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
And I don't mind cooking, I don't mind Listen
y'all Facebook dating folks,facebook dating.
Speaker 2 (41:42):
That's it.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
Okay, we got to talk about the kid, all right,
because that's what we came hereto do, but I think the
foundation that you guys have Ithink it's so important to
highlight that because if youbring when we talk about a
blended family if you bring thekid into a situation where you
(42:08):
don't have understanding of whothat person is and you're not
100% for each other, then that'sknow, that biological parent
really gets split.
Because I mean, honestly, ty,you know, tyson was in your life
first and there are a lot ofparents, especially moms right,
(42:32):
who are like I go 100 for my kidand you're and you're the
add-on Instead of it being.
We do this 100% together and wehave this Sorry, you know the
scripture, we have this ministry.
Huh, it was right there.
It was like, hey, you don'twant to holler this one out and
(42:54):
I do, but there is a we, not a Iand a you.
There's a we that has this andwhat I heard from Ty is that
there are things that he is socareful to protect in you
because it's also helping tomaintain the we, like who you
(43:17):
are, is building him up and isbringing the cohesion for
y'all's union that helps youguys to continue to parent this
amazing kid Right, ruth?
I, I want to know because,again, you went from being the
fun weekend parent to the youknow, did you brush your teeth?
You know?
Did you do your homework?
(43:37):
You know, did you do yourhomework, you know, and all of
the things.
So I'm wondering what has itbeen like and what have you
learned about building thatparental not a cool adult, but a
parental relationship with theyoung guy?
Speaker 3 (44:00):
I watched Ty a lot and I mimicked a lot of what he
was doing because he had beenthat for a year and a half, and
so, once I got over myinsecurities of making that
transition, I just startedwatching him and you know, I had
(44:24):
to find my own flavor.
But I I think like one of thethings was like okay, the first
thing that I feel like I had toreally fix is the play thing.
Right.
So like I couldn't, I couldn'tkeep that up every day.
Like I, I walk in yeah, we oldyou know what I'm saying Like
(44:45):
he's on all the time, not thismiddle adult life.
So like I walk in from work,miss Abby, and he'll run and
jump on me, which is reallysweet, and it's like, oh, this
is awesome.
And then, but it's like youknow, six, 37, and it'd be like,
okay, but, and then he'll keepjumping Right and keep jumping
(45:05):
and then pull me to go, like,can we do this?
Oh, can we do this, can we dothat?
You want to play with me, youwant to draw, you want to do all
this.
And I had to gain the courageto say, nah, buddy, not right
now.
I'm tired and not feel like Iwas being, you know, a bad, a
(45:27):
bad parent.
Um, and I cause I felt like Ihad more ground to make up right
.
Speaker 1 (45:29):
I had to prove that I wanted him here, kind of thing.
Speaker 3 (45:30):
And I didn't want him to feel like so that those were
.
But I I had to realize, and Tywould just remind me a lot like
he loves you, he knows you lovehim.
You got to rest, you don't haveto prove yourself so much.
But it took me a minute and so Ithink I watched him, you know,
separate and he would do areally good job, and still does,
(45:53):
when he and I are talking rightand we're hanging out and he
comes in and he, you know, hewants to be the center of
attention because he I aretalking right and we're hanging
out and he comes in and he wantsto be the center of attention
because he's a child, right, andmost children want to be the
center of attention when theyfeel like it.
And he'll say, hold on, buddy,we talking, you come back in a
minute, and for a while, like Iwould feel completely, I would
(46:14):
just shift and put my attentionon him.
But it's like I had to followhis, I had to follow Ty's lead
to say, no, like you know, we'retalking, wait, and you know,
give us that time and space sothat we could establish that
separation sometimes and notfeel bad, right, and not feel
(46:35):
like I wasn't adequate in hislife as a parent.
Speaker 2 (46:41):
We do the answer of your question.
Like you know, the beginning ofyour question, when you was
talking about the blended familything, like you know, the mom
goes from what you said likezero to a hundred about her kid
and all of that.
If, looking at thisrelationship and you didn't know
us, you would think that shewas his biological mother and I
(47:04):
was the stepfather.
Because Stop, like I mean it'dbe crazy.
Speaker 1 (47:15):
Like he takes her side, she takes his side, not to
a stepdad in your own home.
Speaker 2 (47:21):
No, oh what?
Yes, yes, baby, you can't dothis, you can't say this.
Now, one thing I'm glad thatshe got out of is buttering him
up.
We've had conversations aboutthat.
(47:42):
I would get on to him aboutthings only a man can do because
he's a boy, and we got thatstraightened out.
So she has quit that,thankfully.
But it'd be terrible at times,like, uh, one time I got on two
women I think I had to.
(48:03):
She sat me down and gave methis long speech and I just had
to just go in there andapologize to her, even though I
didn't want to.
I had to and in hindsight,looking at it, it was relevant.
It was relevant that time.
(48:25):
But you know, it just goes toshow that kids move off of they
move off of, of love, energy,and I think with that she has
won him over to the point whereyou wouldn't know.
Speaker 1 (48:46):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (48:48):
It's a father's child or anything, because of the
love she's shown and that's beenlike that since day one and he
would he would always have thatwith him and he would always be
thankful and grateful for hershe is that's so precious.
Speaker 1 (49:15):
Miss Abby, that is just adorable.
I'm interested to know Ty,because you know he knows a
world outside of y'all asparents what are kind of some of
your considerations, anxieties,fears around him, kind of
(49:40):
growing up in differentenvironments, and how are you
preparing for that?
Speaker 2 (49:48):
I think the one thing is we show him what a stable
home is, and not only that, hehas a community around him that
loves him and they show him thesame way.
So I think those teachings,along with keeping a clear, open
(50:10):
line of communication, allowinghim to express himself to us
without reprisal orrepercussions and allowing us to
give him the feedback that heneeds, I think with that,
keeping it Christian based asthe foundation, with that having
(50:32):
the community and all that, Ithink, outside of here, I think
he's safeguarding.
Now there are some things thathe's just can't prepare for.
I think if the basics likewe've all come from a strong
background right, like like somethings like the world don't
(50:53):
even affect us because of basedoff of our morals and values,
like like how we grew up and allof that, like we're still
covered with that now, trueenough, there enough.
There is some things that lifegets in the way and you're going
to have to figure it out onyour own, but that core still
there, that doesn't go anywhereand I lean on that.
(51:19):
It worked for me, it worked fory'all.
Y'all turned out pretty, prettygreat, and your friends, and so
I think, if we can stay withinthat, I think life is great.
Speaker 1 (51:33):
I'll let the world be the world that.
You know, when we think aboutblended families, you know, and
I do think that there there'ssome consideration, though that
y'all got him, you know, at anage where you could still build
foundation.
You know it would have beenvery different if this was like
(52:04):
a 16 or 17 year old, you know,and they'd be like you're not my
mom, you know, like you know it, no-transcript to back.
(52:39):
But you know, my mom gotremarried, um, afterwards, and I
remember, in being introducedto anytime there was a new
person, whether it was on mymom's side, on my dad's side.
You know, you go through thisphase where they're like I want
to take you shopping, I want toget you things, I want to do
things for you, you know, andand having just kind of like
(53:01):
those, those backgroundconversations with them, of like
those, those backgroundconversations with them.
But it took, it took somethingthat I don't know that I ever
really saw to, to say that thosepeople were going to parent me,
you know.
And so you guys have done justa masterful job in what?
(53:24):
Almost two years, yeah, are wecoming up on two?
I'm just coming up on two.
Okay, I didn't.
I was trying to figure out.
Speaker 3 (53:34):
Y'all got married in 23.
Yeah, we've been.
It's been two years marriage,but four years together.
Speaker 4 (53:39):
Yeah, oh, okay, got you.
Speaker 3 (53:43):
We had been together a year when he came Okay.
Speaker 1 (53:46):
Got you.
We had been together a yearwhen he came.
Okay, okay, so so three yearswith with him around, but kind
of almost to almost to like kindof just in this, like really
foundational structured you know, like um, and so I'm interested
(54:06):
, ruth Abigail, when you thinkabout kind of.
You know I'm not going to bethat person and I've never been
that person.
I can honestly say this I ain'tnever asked you when you're
going to have some kids.
you know I haven't, I have neverbeen that person, okay, I ain't
never been over there likewhere the nieces and nephews at.
(54:28):
But as you kind of think outinto the future, you have a son.
Now, right, I think you wouldsay I have a son, I am a mom, I
am a parent, I am, you know, apart of this.
But when you think about kindof your hope for whatever else
(54:51):
may come in the future, likewhat are some things that you
consider about trying to buildthose relationships to make sure
you know everybody has theirspace?
Speaker 3 (55:06):
Yeah, I a little bit.
Speaker 1 (55:06):
of it makes me nervous yeah you sound nervous.
Speaker 3 (55:12):
It makes me nervous.
I'm not naive as to believethat it won't be different at
some level.
You know what I mean.
I'm not naive about that.
I think what I want to besensitive about is that it
doesn't feel different to him.
Right, like I don't want, Inever want him to feel like I.
(55:35):
It's different because now Ihave a child that actually came
from me, um, and I think thatthe, the way I think about it is
like I.
It is like I want him to be apart of the whole process as
much as possible.
Right, being transparent.
This is what's happening, youknow, getting excited about it
(55:55):
and, like I was saying, likefunctioning as a unit around it.
Right, like this is.
And so I think that's even likerandomly talking about it even
now, right, um, just hey, dude,you know you'd be a really good
big brother Right, to which hehas said I don't want to be a
(56:16):
brick brother, I want to be alittle brother.
I said, well, it's a little toolate for that.
We missed that, um, but I think, like just making those
comments, and you know, I thinkI've asked him before like how
would you feel about having abrother or sister set and he
would have.
He'll give his thoughts andI'll listen, right, and then you
(56:36):
know he'll, we'll laugh aboutsomething or or whatever.
So I think just keeping that umconversation open with him as
well, and not like it's just ame and Ty thing and then he's
over here and oh, look, lookwhat happened.
Look, now you have to adjustyour life, no, like I want to be
intentional about that.
(56:58):
So I don't know, I thinkthere's a lot of unknowns there
and I don't know that I'll, Idon't.
We talk, you know, ty, and Italk all the time.
I'm like number one there'snever a right time, right,
there's.
No, there'll never be a righttime.
And so I think it's just amatter of you know when.
And if it happens, we're justgoing to take it in stride,
(57:21):
we're just going to do it rightand figure it out, like we've
been figuring other stuff outand we just kind of, you know,
that's just what we have to do,um, but yeah, ty, when you think
about hopes for the future andwhat does what you want this
blended family to to grow into?
Speaker 1 (57:40):
um, what, what?
What are you?
What do you envision when youthink 10 years down the line?
Speaker 2 (57:50):
I want our family to keep on the trajectory that it's
going on, while working on somethings that like building off
of what our parents left, off ofwhat they left us, and I think,
(58:12):
like we both came from a greatbackground.
It wasn't broke.
Like I said, if it ain't broke,don't fix it.
Speaker 3 (58:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (58:22):
Well, you can make it better, and I think we can uh
just keep, keep trending up withthat and just uh making the
world better than what that's soprecious.
We can do that by controllingwhat we can control and that's
uh giving our kids thefoundation, what we had, and
(58:43):
build off of that, and just keepthis thing going.
Just leave it.
Better for the next generationI love it.
Speaker 1 (58:50):
I think, um, I think we kind of we really had a theme
.
You know, I think when youthink about family just in
general, you know it'sgenerational.
You know and you know you both,like you said, you both come
from great families.
You both had love in thosefamilies.
You both saw parents who bothoperated in love and in
(59:15):
collaboration with one anotherto build who you guys are today.
Whether the family is blendedor not, you have an opportunity
to build something that yourchild, our children, are.
You know, whatever y'all decideto do, but you have it.
You have an opportunity tobuild something that one day
(59:36):
they'll build on, um, and so Ithink it doesn't.
I think it's important to know.
You know I was, I was justtalking with um, I was talking
with.
I think I was, I was justtalking with, I was talking with
I think it was you, ruth, and Iwas like you know, aunties
really just don't get enoughcredit out here.
You know, like I, my sister,had a baby and a lot of people
around me had babies.
So I'm like in auntie landright now and mother's day is
(59:58):
coming up and I'm like this is alot of pressure when the
aunties day at, you know, but Iam a.
I am a person that will have animpact in the lives of these
children, right, and soeverybody that you invite into
your community, whether it is aspouse that is not the
(01:00:20):
biological parent, whether it'sa sister, a brother, a friend,
grandparents, you know, churchmembers, school, everybody that
you invite into that world youare inviting to build, to help
you build the foundation forthat child.
And I think that if we look atblended families and see it as
(01:00:41):
just that simple, I mean wecould have got into the drama.
You know there's going to besome drama, right, there's going
to be, because blendingeverything don't always.
Sometimes there's a little oil,there's a little vinegar in
there.
Everything don't always mix,yeah, you know, everything
doesn't always, you know, cometogether, just right.
(01:01:04):
You know, even as you guys weretalking, you were talking in
reflection mode, you know, butwhen you were kind of in the
moment going through things, youweren't thinking, man, this is
just all going to work out andI'm going to be a better person,
you know, because of this andthis is wow God really knows
(01:01:25):
exactly what he's doing and I'mso grateful for this moment, you
know, but I think hopefully ithelps somebody to be able, now
that you guys are kind of twoyears out, of kind of like the
beginning of your parenthoodjourney together.
Hopefully it helps somebody tounderstand that you know, while
(01:01:47):
the moment may seem rocky atfirst, eventually you'll start
to see what God has been, thestones God has been laying down
for you that you can continue tobuild on.
Speaker 2 (01:01:58):
So and the one thing about that is you got to you got
to want it to work.
And if you both are on the sameboard and you want it to work,
then there's a lot of thingsthat's just not going to happen.
(01:02:21):
It's not going to come into it.
It's not going to come into it.
There's things that probablywould happen with somebody on
his side of the family or aparent or auntie or whatever.
She'll never know.
Because I want it, it won'teven get me to it, damn sure,
(01:02:44):
because it's not going to.
We're're gonna make this workand we're gonna make it work at
our cost yeah, that's what wewant and it's all done in love
when you protect that love.
So you just, you just gottawant it.
Speaker 3 (01:02:59):
You do, and I would say I would.
I would say that when you sayyou want it, what you're saying
is you want growth and you wantcommitment, regardless of
anything else.
And I think, like coming into asituation and I think here's
the thing, honestly, you know wetalk about how quick this was,
(01:03:21):
but you know, we got married butwe committed to each other
before we got married.
Right, I mean, I had committedto him and I committed to Tyson
before we got married.
So when he said, hey, he needsto stay, my commitment was
already there.
So I didn't change mycommitment, I just changed the
plan.
And because you have, you haveto change the plan um to to meet
(01:03:45):
the commitment.
And so I think, um, oh, that'sgood that's going to be
necessary throughout your entirerelationship with you know
whether you're coming in, uh,with children, when you, if you
have your own children, um, justthe things that are going to
happen in your life that youcan't control, that you can't
predict, like commitment isgoing to have to be a part of it
(01:04:08):
.
Before you get to it, you haveto have decided, like he said,
that you want it and so youcommit it.
Okay, like this is what it is,and so you know.
I think we both enter into thatevery day, by choice, because
it's also not just one time.
You know we don't, we don'tagree on everything we've had,
(01:04:31):
you know, just arguments andissues that we've had to work
through.
Speaker 4 (01:04:35):
Well, we have argued yelled at each other.
Speaker 3 (01:04:38):
You know I mean OK, we never had an argument that's
fair, we don't have arguments.
We do have disagreements, thatis true, and we communicate and
we talk through it, andsometimes we land in the same
place, sometimes we don't, it'slike you know, and sometimes you
(01:04:58):
just have to, but thecommitment is there and we're
committed to continuing to dothat Right.
And so I think that I justthink that's so important for
anybody who is, who ispotentially entering into this
space of a blended family.
You meet somebody who alreadyhas kids, which, like you said,
(01:05:21):
queda especially once you hit 30, 35, that's more than likely
going to happen.
And so, preparing your mind forthat and making sure you commit
before you know You're notgoing to know, and so you've
made the commitment, so youpivot according to the
(01:05:42):
commitment, and I think that'shuge.
So when you say you wantsomething, that's part of it.
Speaker 1 (01:05:51):
That's good stuff, folks.
I was going to tell them togive their last little piece of
advice to the folks, but theydid it without me asking, so I I
would Call us on that Ty.
Speaker 2 (01:06:09):
Back to when we first started dating.
The whole entire thing was likeI wasn't looking for this.
We talk about it all the time.
I wasn't looking for this.
There's things that I didn't do.
I wasn't in church like that.
(01:06:29):
I didn't go to church outsideof a wedding or a funeral or
something like that.
I didn't do that.
I didn't go to certainfunctions.
I didn't do certain things.
What I was is I was willing totry different things.
I was always, and I found agreat young woman that kind of
(01:06:56):
helped me, mold me into that anduh, and I love it.
And the thing about it is likeshe didn't know, she didn't put
my feet to the Friday.
She, she made me do it and shemade it fun and uh, and that's
(01:07:19):
precious.
I mean my nephew we always talkabout it like we was sitting
out the day of the wedding andwe was lined up and he was on
the wall with his orange costume.
You remember you told me youwould never get married and I
said look at you now.
(01:07:40):
And then I said Eli was likealright, wow, literally that's
how it happened.
Yeah, so, but yeah, it's justjust be open.
I said Eli.
I was like all right, wow,literally that's how it happened
.
Yeah, so, but yeah, it's justbe open.
Just be open to try certainthings like you know.
Just live without borders.
You know, respect each other.
You know you can be.
It's okay to disagree.
Just don't be disagreeable andjust be a spawn.
(01:08:05):
Nobody's perfect, amen, star.
Speaker 3 (01:08:05):
Nobody's perfect amen , nobody's perfect.
Speaker 1 (01:08:10):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (01:08:11):
It's the gardeners, everyone it is, and we have a
third one who wanted to come onand say something I literally
was thinking let me go get him.
Speaker 1 (01:08:21):
we got a special guest y'all.
It's the man of the hour.
Say hey to the people, tyson,hi.
So, tyson, we just spent alittle time talking about how
special you are.
I heard that there's a sign.
Oh my goodness, what ishappening?
Here we go.
(01:08:42):
All right, here we go.
Speaker 3 (01:08:44):
We're on camera, buddy, so here we go all right,
here we go, we're on camera,buddy.
Speaker 1 (01:08:51):
So this is.
Oh okay, wait a minute, Ididn't know you drew like that.
That's a nice horse.
Okay, tyson's room.
And then what else does thissay?
Sorry y'all, this is a littlechaotic hold on.
Speaker 4 (01:09:12):
Okay, all right, this is blended family, so it says
caution, please knock.
Unless you are my dad, please.
Speaker 1 (01:09:18):
And me, okay, so everybody, so your dad doesn't
have to knock, he can just go in.
Speaker 4 (01:09:27):
Because he said what he said.
Speaker 1 (01:09:31):
Ty, what did you say?
Speaker 4 (01:09:38):
What did he say?
No, you say it, you say it.
Speaker 2 (01:09:45):
It's a little bit.
It's several things.
It's been passed down fromgeneration to generation.
Oh, okay.
Speaker 4 (01:09:57):
That's not about this case.
Speaker 1 (01:10:00):
What happened in this case?
Speaker 2 (01:10:02):
Okay, what is it?
Speaker 4 (01:10:05):
We're talking about parenting.
Speaker 1 (01:10:10):
He said this ain't about the bills, this is about
the parenting, Alright.
Speaker 2 (01:10:17):
well, what's up?
What is it about?
Speaker 4 (01:10:20):
People know that it's my room.
They have to follow the rules.
So just in case, like, likewhen I'm changing clothes,
people people.
So people can know that.
Speaker 1 (01:10:38):
So people can know that they should not first
before they come in now Tyson,correct me if I'm wrong, but on
this camera are all the peoplewho live in the house, right?
So when you say people, thatstarts fights don't it.
(01:11:04):
That's less.
Well, listen, we're really gladwe could have you on camera,
because it's not a full gardenerfamily without you, all right.
So do you want to help me closeit out?
We need to tell the people,right, that they need to do
three things right they need tolike, they need to share and
they need to subscribe.
(01:11:24):
Can you tell the people to dothat real quick?
Speaker 4 (01:11:28):
Everybody like subscribe.
Everybody like subscribe andshare.
Speaker 1 (01:11:34):
Listen, you heard it from the man himself.
Okay, if you have not becomepart of the community yet, all
right, get in on this.
Hit the bell, hit the button.
All right, because we'rerolling.
Get in on this.
Hit the bell, hit the buttonAll right, because we're rolling
.
This has been the last episodeof Ruth Abigail's and the
Unlearned Podcast parentingseries.
(01:11:54):
We're so excited that we get toend it with Tyson and that we
got to have just an amazingconversation.
Thank you, ty, for coming on.
Ruth Abigail, you know weappreciate you as well.
Speaker 3 (01:12:06):
Thank you, Taquita, for hosting.
Speaker 1 (01:12:08):
But anyways, this has been Unlearned Podcast.
Hopefully today you earned,learned something and you're
able to walk in just a littlebit more freedom.
So until next time, which willbe next week, we will see y'all
later, peace, peace, peace,peace.
We'll see y'all later, peace,peace.
Speaker 3 (01:12:29):
Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned
Podcast.
We would love to hear yourcomments and your feedback about
the episode.
Feel free to follow us onFacebook and Instagram and to
let us know what you think.
We're looking forward to thenext time when we are able to
unlearn together to move forwardtowards freedom.
(01:12:49):
See you then.
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