August 12, 2024 • 26 mins
What shapes our children more—our strengths or our weaknesses? Join us on Unscripted Mind as we unravel the complex interplay between parenting and personal growth. Hosted by Jim Cunningham, a seasoned licensed professional counselor, this episode promises to redefine how you view your role as a parent. We confront the humbling reality that our children often inherit more from our vulnerabilities than our virtues and offer practical tips to intentionally connect with your kids to foster love, resilience, and understanding. In a world fraught with the challenges of time scarcity and technology, discover the critical balance between screen time and face-to-face interactions that can make all the difference in your family dynamics.
Explore the underestimated intelligence and emotional depth of children, and learn the transformative power of authentic communication. Jim delves into listening without the urge to solve everything, allowing kids to express themselves freely, and maintaining a presence that is both therapeutic and genuine. Highlighting the pivotal role of play, this episode underscores the importance of consistent boundaries, likening them to a protective yet liberating cage. Through insights drawn from years of counseling experience, Jim offers guidance on managing parental expectations, setting clear limits, and creating a safe environment that nurtures growth. Whether you're a veteran parent or just beginning the journey, this episode equips you with the knowledge to build a more loving and resilient family.
The goal of The UnScripted Mind Podcast is to give you fresh perspectives, practical insights and tools you can use to give you more choices, self-awareness and control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors.
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Episode Transcript
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Jim (00:00):
Have you noticed how our flaws seem to echo through our
children?
Here's a humbling thought foryou.
Our children are formed by ourweaknesses, likely much more so
than by our strengths.
In today's fast-paced world,where distractions are constant
and time is scarce, theimportance of connecting with
our kids has never been morecrucial.
How do we ensure the imprint weleave on them is going to be
(00:23):
one of love, understanding andresilience, rather than the
unintentional shadows of our ownstruggles?
That's the topic on thisepisode of the Unscripted Mind.
(03:12):
Welcome to the Unscripted Mind,where our goal is to give you
fresh perspectives, practicalinsights and tools you can use
to give you more choices,increase your awareness and have
better control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors.
I'm Jim Cunningham and I'm alicensed professional counselor,
and today we're exploring theintricate dance between our
personal growth and theconnections we build with our
kids and this profound truth ourchildren are formed by our
weaknesses.
As a parent, that is hard tohear and even consider, but
rather than feeling overwhelmedby this, let's see it as an
opportunity, an invitation toconnect more deeply with our
kids, to understand their worldand to grow together as a family
.
In this episode, we're going tocover the ways in which our
vulnerabilities shape our kidsand how, through intentional
connection though, we cantransform those weaknesses into
strengths that bind us closertogether.
This is some of the mostimpactful advice I've gathered
over the years working as aschool counselor, working with
parents, teachers, students andclients in private practice.
Think of this as kind of a bestof compilation.
It's certainly not exhaustive,but it's filled with practical
tips and insights that can helpmake a real difference, I think,
in how you interact with yourkids.
Now, I do want to emphasizethat everybody's experience is a
little bit different, and sowhat works for someone else
might not work for you.
So, as you listen to these tipsand suggestions, think about
what resonates with you, yourown experiences and insights,
and find what works best for you.
Now, we all know children are ablessing, but parenting
certainly isn't for the faint ofheart.
If you feel like you'reconstantly trying to hit a
moving target, well, you're notalone.
In fact, the most common issueI see with my adolescent clients
is a lack of connection withtheir parents.
So let's start with the numbershere, and this is not a lot of
eye-opening data, but it's kindof reinforcing what we probably
already know.
Research shows that the qualityof parent-child relationships
significantly impacts thechild's emotional and social
development.
For instance, the AmericanPsychological Association
reported that children withstrong emotional bonds with
their parents are more likely todevelop healthy social skills
and exhibit fewer behavioralproblems.
Moreover, a meta-analysis foundthat children who experience
high levels of parental warmthand low levels of parental
rejection are more likely tothrive both academically and
socially.
These findings highlight theprofound influence our
relationships with our childrencan have on their overall
well-being.
Connecting with kids isn'talways easy, though.
In fact it's a challenge and,like I said in the intro, it's
kind of like trying to hit amoving target, because as they
adjust, we kind of have toadjust, and so it's a constant
cat and mouse game in some ways.
There are numerous challengeswe face as parents, from busy
schedules to differing interestsand even just basic
misunderstandings.
(03:33):
It's essential to acknowledgethese obstacles, because
understanding them can help usbetter find ways to bridge the
gap.
One common challenge is thefast-paced nature of modern life
.
None of us are immune to this.
We're often juggling work,household responsibilities,
chores, commitments, leavinglittle time for meaningful
(03:53):
interactions.
Research suggests that theperception of time scarcity can
significantly hinder our abilityto connect with our kids.
Additionally, technology, asyou might guess, can both help
and be a hindrance.
While it provides new ways toengage, it can also create
barriers if overused or usedincorrectly.
A study by Twenge and Campbellin 2018 found that increased
(04:17):
screen time is associated withlower levels of psychological
well-being in children andadolescents in particular.
Balancing screen time withface-to-face interactions is
crucial for fostering strongconnections, especially with
kids, and younger kids inparticular.
So how do we start connectingwith our kids?
Well, I think there's a coupleof things that are kind of
important right off the bat.
First of all, we have torealize that kids are different
(04:38):
than adults.
We can't just apply all theadult strategies that we use
with grownups to the kids.
Number one I think it'simportant to understand that
kids are, first and foremost,focus on safety, and they
perceive safety as paramount.
When kids don't feel safe, theydon't talk much, they don't go
play, right.
(04:59):
They tend to get a little moreclingy.
They they seek safety, and soyou can see that in their
behaviors, especially when theyseem more reserved and maybe
more shy.
The second thing is that kidstend to be egocentric, right.
This doesn't mean that they areegotistical in that sense, but
the idea that they are kind ofthe center of the world.
(05:20):
Right, they will say thingslike my shadow follows me or
they will blame themselves forthings that are beyond their
control, like parents divorcesor parents fights.
I must've been responsible forthat.
It's just kind of a kid way ofthinking.
So when I've talked to familieswho are going through a divorce
, a lot of the times even kidsinto their mid high school or
late high school years willoften accept a lot of the
(05:44):
responsibility for what hashappened between the adults and
it's very hard to change thatonce they get that mindset.
So how do we go about reachingour kids and connecting with
them?
And I think a lot of it startswith us, especially emotionally,
and if we're kind ofunderstanding the kid's
perspective that things aresafety-based when we can't
(06:06):
control ourselves emotionally,it kind of understanding the
kid's perspective that thingsare safety-based when we can't
control ourselves emotionally,it kind of spooks the herd.
So they get a little freakedout sometimes when they see us
dysregulated and not being ableto handle the big world In their
mind.
If mom and dad can't handlethis, what chance do I have?
So it's kind of a scary thingand that would change their kind
of behavior, and you mightexpect to see that in a lot of
(06:26):
ways.
So, as parents, controllingourselves emotionally first of
all, what can we control?
And we have to realize that, asmuch as we'd like to believe
that we can control our kids,the reality is they get the last
vote, even toddlers.
We can influence our childrenand that means we are one of
many, many variables to themdoing things.
(06:48):
We need to focus on what we cancontrol.
Too many times we try tocontrol things that we can't
control and, ironically, thiscomes as a surprise to a lot of
people.
We can't control our children'sbehavior and we can't control
their emotions.
Right, we can influence theirbehavior because there's
consequences for what they do,and so we can influence that.
(07:11):
We can offer them bribes, money, treats, things like that to
get them to be more compliant,but at the end of the day, they
get the final vote.
So we can influence, but wecan't control.
When we try to control thingswe can't control, it sets us up
for failure.
The other thing I would say iswe have to be mindful of the
baggage that we bring into therelationship with our kids.
(07:33):
I see a lot of people coupleswho are doing great and they
think, man, I've I've struggledwith things in my life, but I've
got a handle on it.
And then they have kids andthen all of the stuff that they
have overlooked starts wickingup.
It's kind of like when youclean a carpet and you think
you've got all the dirt and thenext thing you know the spot
(07:53):
comes back.
Kids bring out a lot of thingsand remind us of our childhood
in a lot of ways and a lot ofways that others have
disappointed us.
And it's easy to startprojecting a lot of the things
that we went through on our kids, trying to protect our kids
from some of the things thatwere struggles for us, instead
of letting them find their ownway.
(08:13):
The role of emotions is alsosignificant in that it clouds a
lot of the interactions.
Understand that controlling myemotions is kind of vital in
connecting with my kids.
It doesn't mean that I'memotionless, it just means that
I can regulate my emotions.
I often told kids you know,it's okay to be angry, it's not
okay to act angry.
(08:34):
So if I'm trying to model howlife is supposed to be for my
kids, I need to show someemotional regulation, and I've
said in other podcasts that oneof the best predictors of
success in life is emotionalregulation over intelligence and
a lot of other qualities.
Emotional regulation kind oftrumps the day, because if I
can't control my emotions,everything is going to be harder
(08:56):
my interactions, my socialinteractions and my success in
life.
It just increases a lot of riskfactors.
Okay, and so understandingwhere we're coming from into
this parent-child relationshipis really important and kind of
owning our own stuff and beingaware of where our own landmines
are and what our triggers are,because I guarantee you, if
you've got a trigger and you'vegot a chink in the armor, the
(09:18):
kids are going to figure it out,and they're going to figure it
out at a very early age.
So I think we underestimatechildren in a lot of ways, in
the sense that they are smarterand more manipulative, even at
very young ages, than we givethem credit for.
I have an example from a friendof mine whose daughter came
home from college and as theywere putting up the Christmas
tree and hanging ornaments, theycame across a broken ornament
(09:41):
and they were reminiscing aboutthe day that they actually got
this ornament, when this collegeage girl was four or five years
old, and she told them thatsince you guys wouldn't buy it
for me, I broke it so you wouldhave to buy it.
Now that seems surprising froma four or five year old if you
haven't had a four or five yearold Kind of sneaky stuff and
(10:02):
pretty clever, but it just givesyou some insights into some of
the things that the kids willsee in us.
They will pick up on everything.
They're emotional sponges.
They pick up all the good andthe bad from us.
So we have to be kind ofcareful on how we manage that.
And I think that kind of leadsus into some general ideas on
how do we connect with kids, aslong as we understand where
they're coming from.
(10:24):
I think the first idea is wehave to listen to kids.
I covered a lot of tips on howto have better conversations in
the podcast titledtransformative conversations,
but I'll cover them again herebriefly.
And I think, first thing, weneed to realize, even as parents
, it's not our job to fixeverything.
(10:47):
Letting somebody talk istherapeutic and there's nothing
we need to add to that.
But a lot of times as parentswe feel like we need to jump in
and fix things for our kids.
We don't.
If I just listen.
That's going to allow them tocome to us and share their
feelings, thoughts and emotionswithout any sense of judgment,
or you know, here's a better waythat you can do this.
I think clearing your mind andstop thinking about what you
(11:09):
need to say next and just beingpresent in those conversations
is great, and just lettingpeople talk, especially the kids
, let them talk to us.
Emotions are therapeutic and wedo a lot of things as parents
to kind of shut down theemotions of kids, especially the
crying and I know crying cansometimes be used as a
manipulative tactic by kids.
(11:31):
But letting them cry andexpress their emotions is
therapeutic in and of itself andso that's okay to let them cry
a little bit.
Silence is golden.
You know, I don't have toanswer everything.
I can just sit in the silencewhen they say something and I
don't feel like I have torespond to everything.
I also don't want to make itabout me.
It's very easy when my saysomething and I don't feel like
I have to respond to everything.
(11:51):
I also don't want to make itabout me.
It's very easy when my kidscome and tell me something, that
I want to one-up them with astory of well, this is how rough
it was when I was a kid andblah, blah, blah, all those
kinds of things.
So listening is critical, Ithink, and kids pick up when
they feel heard.
I see, and I've said thisbefore, I see a lot of people
who don't feel heard and Ihaven't found one who isn't
pretty pissed off about it, andthat includes kids.
(12:14):
So the second thing I would sayto connect with kids is focus on
the relationship, not theproblem.
We need to separate the childfrom the behavior.
Too many times when they dosomething wrong, that's the
problem, which means they arethe problem.
And again, if they're coming atit from being egocentric
(12:35):
standpoint, right, they're goingto blame themselves for being
the problem instead of I made amistake.
They might interpret that as Iam a mistake.
So separating the child fromthe behavior is a good way to
look at it.
(12:55):
Number three, I would sayrespond, don't react.
Manage your emotions and manageyour reactions, and I'll give
you a story about this one.
I saw a child who was a middleschooler and suffered with a lot
of depression, and we met for along time not really
understanding, and he didn'treally understand why he was
struggling so much withdepression.
And one day he said you knowwhat the problem is.
I saw that look ofdisappointment on my parents'
face once and I never want tosee that again and that drove so
(13:20):
much of how he behaved, howmuch he was willing to share
with them.
Now, of course, the parents hadno idea that they had that look
of disappointment on their face, but he certainly saw it and he
certainly remembered it.
So I think being able tocontrol not just how we react
emotionally but also you knowwhat expressions are we showing?
Are we rolling our eyes?
(13:41):
Are we looking disinterestedit's asking a lot in
communication to be aware of allof those things, but they're
also very important.
A lot in communication to beaware of all of those things,
but they're also very important.
The first thing I would say isask questions you actually don't
know the answer to.
So many times we come acrosswith this, I guess, almost
condescending way of talking toour kids asking them questions
(14:02):
we already know the answer toDid you take the trash out?
Right?
Why did you do that?
Why didn't you do this?
And we assume we know theanswers to that and we probably
do.
But but just being curious andavoiding the why questions?
Right Cause, why questionsagain put everybody on the
defensive.
I just want to be curious andask those questions that I
honestly don't know the answersto.
(14:22):
It comes across as much moreauthentic and leads to just a
better conversation in general.
Number five I think timing isreally important.
A lot of times we're on our owntimetable and we try to impose
that on our kids.
So, for example, if a child ishaving a meltdown and I saw this
a lot at the school, kidshaving meltdowns and crying and
(14:42):
throwing little tantrums A lotof times we want to have a
discussion in that moment andimpart all these life lessons.
And the reality is when someoneis that emotionally
dysregulated, they can't hear itanyway.
So wait, there's no hurry.
We can have this discussion anhour or two hours when
everybody's in a better place,if I really want my message to
(15:04):
be heard.
So timing is crucial.
I think it's also important towhen they're distracted.
If they're, if they're focusedon their friends, a game,
something else, it's hard tohave that conversation.
And demanding attention, it'slike someone demanding that we
immediately pay attention tothem.
Let's give them a minute totransition and change their
focus instead of demanding itimmediately.
(15:27):
Number six I would say isencourage independence.
And I know most people havealready heard this before but
never do anything for a childthat they can do for themselves.
Why?
Because there's way too manybad messages implicit in doing
that You're not good enough,you're not smart enough, I don't
trust you, you're not capable.
All these kinds of messages arekind of implicit when I'm
(15:50):
intervening and not letting mychild fail a little bit and
struggle with something.
So much of the benefit in lifeis going through the struggle
and learning how to figurethings out and dealing with the
adversity.
As parents it's so much easierto intervene and just do it.
I get that.
It's a lot quicker, it's a lotless frustrating, but there's so
(16:12):
much more benefit to helpingthem to create that sense of
independence and that will paydividends way into the future,
when they're in their teens andstuff, and they have this sense
of confidence about them andself-esteem that they can do a
lot of things.
And also it makes our life alot easier as parents because we
don't have to do those things.
Teach a man to fish instead ofgiving him a fish.
(16:33):
Number seven I would sayencourage the effort, not the
results.
Focus on the effort and processrather than the outcome.
Again, going back to this ideaof watching them struggle, even
if they don't accomplish exactlywhat they're trying to do.
The fact that they worked at itfor two hours is worthy of
recognition and it's good forpointing that out and saying
(16:55):
you're proud of them just forthe effort.
So many times we are lookingfor the outcome to make that the
success, instead of watchingthem go through the struggle and
learn as they go through theprocess.
This experience of themstruggling.
I can't teach them that.
I mean, I can talk about it,but it's not the same as them
learning it on their own.
So I think there's so muchbenefit into just giving them
(17:17):
some time and space to figurethose things out for themselves.
There is a great book I mightrecommend called the Gift of
Failure.
You ought to check that one out.
Number eight is an importantone Spend undirected time with
your children every day.
Now, this might sound like a lot, and this kind of goes back to
(17:37):
being able to connect with kidsand giving them the time and
working against all of thesedistractions that we have in our
lives, whether that's media,social media, games work, you
name it.
Undirected time with your kids.
What do I mean by that?
I'm going to go to my kid andI'm going to say look, I've got
30 minutes, you got me for thenext 30 minutes and anything you
(18:00):
want to do we'll do, but we'lldo it your way.
So, for example, if my kidwants to sit down and play Legos
, I'll sit down for 30 minutesand play Legos however he wants
to do it.
I'm not going to sit there andtry to correct him and tell him
how better to do things.
This is just time for us tohang out and connect.
What we have found is thatthese periods of times even 20
(18:23):
or 30 minutes a day we find kidstend to be more compliant.
They do their chores better.
They seem to be more compliant.
They do their chores better.
They seem to be happier, and Ithink the reason for that is
because they feel a connection,that the relationship between me
and my child are good and theycan pick up on that because
we've spent that good qualitytime together.
I think this fosters connectionand shows that you value their
(18:43):
company.
Play, for example, in and ofitself is a critical aspect of a
child's life and if we canbring ourselves into that with
them.
We can get a lot of stuff outof that.
I'll talk about in just asecond.
But according to Jean Piaget,play is like a child's language
and a primary way they exploreand understand their world.
(19:04):
So by sitting down and justtaking that 30 minutes, yes,
you're going to connect withthem and that's going to be
minutes.
Yes, you're going to connectwith them and that's going to be
awesome.
But also you're going to learna lot, especially from small
children, by watching themengaging in play and activities.
That allows them to expresstheir needs, their wishes, their
emotions and nonverbal ways.
A lot of younger kids justdon't have the words to be able
(19:26):
to express themselvesappropriately or correctly or
accurately.
So by watching them just howthey play and interact with toys
, you can get a lot of insightsin terms of how they are and
where they are in life.
This can be incrediblytherapeutic and enlightening for
parents.
I think there's a lot ofresearch that suggests that
imaginative play is linked toemotional regulation, problem
(19:48):
solving skills and creativity inkids.
Number nine, I would sayconsistent limits.
I'm a big fan of boundaries.
I think boundaries equalsecurity and, if we go back to
one of the things that arereally important to kids is
safety.
So clear, consistent boundariesprovide a sense of that
security.
So I want you to think of likea small lamb.
(20:10):
You put the lamb in a smallcage and he feels restricted and
confined, but it also meanssafety.
He can't get out, but that alsomeans bad things can't get in,
so he's protected.
So you see this manifested in alot of kids.
When I set rules and boundaries,the first thing they do is they
go and they test the boundaryand that feels very
(20:30):
disrespectful.
As a parent, I just told younot to do it.
And there you go trying it.
But to think about it this wayhe's testing the boundary
because they want to make surethat it's real, because if it's
not real and I can push throughthe boundary, it's not safe and
that's not a good thing.
So if I understand that they'rejust seeking safety and they
(20:51):
need to make sure that myboundaries are going to be
consistent and I'm not going towaffle on those, then that is
going to be a sense of securityand safety for my kids.
This understanding also allowsme to be more consistent and not
make exceptions.
So when I talk about consistentboundaries, a lot of times we
will take electronics away for aweek and then by Wednesday,
(21:14):
three days into it, we were in agood mood and where everybody's
happy and I I waffle, and I Imake exceptions.
They are, you can have yourstuff back.
One of the things the love andlogic program teaches us is that
parents need to only say thingsthat are going to come true,
right.
So saying things like I'm goingto ground you for the rest of
your life, that's not going tocome true.
(21:35):
But if I say I'm going to takeyour stuff away for a week, it's
going to be a week.
So I have to be careful how Isay that, right?
The consequences of this, ofcourse, sometimes that we end up
punishing ourselves as parents.
We take away all theelectronics and now we're and
ground the child and now we'restuck in a house with a very
unhappy, bored child.
So there's consequences forthat.
(22:03):
But the intent is is that wecreate very consistent
boundaries and we can do thiswhen the boundary is very clear.
I know what the wrap boundaryis, you know what the boundary
is and if you cross thatboundary, I have to do something
.
I can't let that slide, becausethat's not being truthful and
that doesn't create a sense ofsafety for the child.
So when I say I'm going to dosomething, I'm going to do
something Now, I can leave itvague.
If you cross this boundary, Ihave to do something Now.
(22:25):
This is a good strategy becauseit keeps the child from being
able to do the cost benefitanalysis of breaking a rule, and
so they don't really know whatthey're going to get, but they
know it's going to be something.
So it's a different way tothink about that and impose
those boundaries andconsequences.
Finally, let me say manageexpectations.
Be realistic about managingboth your expectations and your
(22:50):
child's.
We all want to make thesechanges and make everything
better all at once, and it takestime.
Anytime you're changingbehavior, it takes a lot of work
, it takes time and it takespractice.
So it's important to be able togive me and my child some grace
, and when I say grace, what Imean is a lot of times when
things go bad with arelationship.
(23:12):
Kid makes a mistake.
Sometimes we treat that like itwas a malicious mistake, like
they did it on purpose.
Usually that is not the case.
So how do I have a little bitof grace from that Now?
There might be someconsequences.
You might have to fix something, repair something, but even
when that happens, we canapproach this from a call them
business-like approach.
We don't have to get emotionalabout it to set a boundary and
(23:34):
enforce a boundary.
So if you cross the line, well,I have to do something, but I
don't have to get emotionalabout it to do that right.
It just is what it is.
It's a business transaction atthat point.
So let me leave you with aquestion, because I get a lot of
parents and I've asked this ofa lot of parents because they
struggle maintaining theboundaries and doing these kinds
of things, and I asked themwhat is it that keeps you from
(24:02):
doing what you know you ought todo as a parent?
It's a big question.
The most common answer seems tobe guilt, right, well, I don't.
I was treated a certain way andI don't want my child to feel
the same way.
Sometimes that's applicable.
Sometimes, many times, it isnot right.
I still have to do what I needto do as a parent, but my own
baggage sometimes keeps creepinginto the situation.
(24:24):
So I start projecting a lot ofmy own baggage onto my
children's lives.
So I think guilt is a very bigand important thing and this
kind of goes back into asparents, knowing where our own
triggers and our own landminesare and our own baggage that we
bring into these situations.
And kids are great teachers.
It's a hard, it's hard lessons,but they are great teachers and
(24:45):
they're going to teach us a lotabout ourselves.
So in a lot of ways, we shouldbe thanking them for making us
angry and doing all the thingsthey're going to do to generate
all the emotions in us, becausethey're teaching us something
and they're showing us where thechinks in our armor are.
So let me leave you with thesethoughts, because I think
building strong connections withour kids takes time, it takes
(25:07):
patience, it takes effort, butthe rewards are absolutely
immeasurable.
By focusing on the relationship, being present and
understanding the kid's worldfrom their perspective, we can
foster deep and lasting bondsfor the rest of their lives.
(25:33):
aThanks for checking us out onthe unscripted mind today.
If you found this episodehelpful, share it with somebody
who might need it Also.
Please subscribe, follow us andleave a review, and if you have
any questions or topics you'dlike us to cover.
Please include that also.
Until next time, remember lifedoesn't come with a script.
So embrace the unexpected,cherish the unplanned, always
(25:56):
stay curious and have an amazingday.
We'll see you next time on theUnscripted Mind.
Have you noticed how our flaws seem to echo through our
children?
Here's a humbling thought foryou.
Our children are formed by ourweaknesses, likely much more so
than by our strengths.
In today's fast-paced world,where distractions are constant
and time is scarce, theimportance of connecting with
our kids has never been morecrucial.
How do we ensure the imprint weleave on them is going to be
(00:23):
one of love, understanding andresilience, rather than the
unintentional shadows of our ownstruggles?
That's the topic on thisepisode of the Unscripted Mind.
(03:12):
Welcome to the Unscripted Mind,where our goal is to give you
fresh perspectives, practicalinsights and tools you can use
to give you more choices,increase your awareness and have
better control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors.
I'm Jim Cunningham and I'm alicensed professional counselor,
and today we're exploring theintricate dance between our
personal growth and theconnections we build with our
kids and this profound truth ourchildren are formed by our
weaknesses.
As a parent, that is hard tohear and even consider, but
rather than feeling overwhelmedby this, let's see it as an
opportunity, an invitation toconnect more deeply with our
kids, to understand their worldand to grow together as a family
.
In this episode, we're going tocover the ways in which our
vulnerabilities shape our kidsand how, through intentional
connection though, we cantransform those weaknesses into
strengths that bind us closertogether.
This is some of the mostimpactful advice I've gathered
over the years working as aschool counselor, working with
parents, teachers, students andclients in private practice.
Think of this as kind of a bestof compilation.
It's certainly not exhaustive,but it's filled with practical
tips and insights that can helpmake a real difference, I think,
in how you interact with yourkids.
Now, I do want to emphasizethat everybody's experience is a
little bit different, and sowhat works for someone else
might not work for you.
So, as you listen to these tipsand suggestions, think about
what resonates with you, yourown experiences and insights,
and find what works best for you.
Now, we all know children are ablessing, but parenting
certainly isn't for the faint ofheart.
If you feel like you'reconstantly trying to hit a
moving target, well, you're notalone.
In fact, the most common issueI see with my adolescent clients
is a lack of connection withtheir parents.
So let's start with the numbershere, and this is not a lot of
eye-opening data, but it's kindof reinforcing what we probably
already know.
Research shows that the qualityof parent-child relationships
significantly impacts thechild's emotional and social
development.
For instance, the AmericanPsychological Association
reported that children withstrong emotional bonds with
their parents are more likely todevelop healthy social skills
and exhibit fewer behavioralproblems.
Moreover, a meta-analysis foundthat children who experience
high levels of parental warmthand low levels of parental
rejection are more likely tothrive both academically and
socially.
These findings highlight theprofound influence our
relationships with our childrencan have on their overall
well-being.
Connecting with kids isn'talways easy, though.
In fact it's a challenge and,like I said in the intro, it's
kind of like trying to hit amoving target, because as they
adjust, we kind of have toadjust, and so it's a constant
cat and mouse game in some ways.
There are numerous challengeswe face as parents, from busy
schedules to differing interestsand even just basic
misunderstandings.
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It's essential to acknowledgethese obstacles, because
understanding them can help usbetter find ways to bridge the
gap.
One common challenge is thefast-paced nature of modern life
.
None of us are immune to this.
We're often juggling work,household responsibilities,
chores, commitments, leavinglittle time for meaningful
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interactions.
Research suggests that theperception of time scarcity can
significantly hinder our abilityto connect with our kids.
Additionally, technology, asyou might guess, can both help
and be a hindrance.
While it provides new ways toengage, it can also create
barriers if overused or usedincorrectly.
A study by Twenge and Campbellin 2018 found that increased
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screen time is associated withlower levels of psychological
well-being in children andadolescents in particular.
Balancing screen time withface-to-face interactions is
crucial for fostering strongconnections, especially with
kids, and younger kids inparticular.
So how do we start connectingwith our kids?
Well, I think there's a coupleof things that are kind of
important right off the bat.
First of all, we have torealize that kids are different
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than adults.
We can't just apply all theadult strategies that we use
with grownups to the kids.
Number one I think it'simportant to understand that
kids are, first and foremost,focus on safety, and they
perceive safety as paramount.
When kids don't feel safe, theydon't talk much, they don't go
play, right.
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They tend to get a little moreclingy.
They they seek safety, and soyou can see that in their
behaviors, especially when theyseem more reserved and maybe
more shy.
The second thing is that kidstend to be egocentric, right.
This doesn't mean that they areegotistical in that sense, but
the idea that they are kind ofthe center of the world.
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Right, they will say thingslike my shadow follows me or
they will blame themselves forthings that are beyond their
control, like parents divorcesor parents fights.
I must've been responsible forthat.
It's just kind of a kid way ofthinking.
So when I've talked to familieswho are going through a divorce
, a lot of the times even kidsinto their mid high school or
late high school years willoften accept a lot of the
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responsibility for what hashappened between the adults and
it's very hard to change thatonce they get that mindset.
So how do we go about reachingour kids and connecting with
them?
And I think a lot of it startswith us, especially emotionally,
and if we're kind ofunderstanding the kid's
perspective that things aresafety-based when we can't
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control ourselves emotionally,it kind of understanding the
kid's perspective that thingsare safety-based when we can't
control ourselves emotionally,it kind of spooks the herd.
So they get a little freakedout sometimes when they see us
dysregulated and not being ableto handle the big world In their
mind.
If mom and dad can't handlethis, what chance do I have?
So it's kind of a scary thingand that would change their kind
of behavior, and you mightexpect to see that in a lot of
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ways.
So, as parents, controllingourselves emotionally first of
all, what can we control?
And we have to realize that, asmuch as we'd like to believe
that we can control our kids,the reality is they get the last
vote, even toddlers.
We can influence our childrenand that means we are one of
many, many variables to themdoing things.
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We need to focus on what we cancontrol.
Too many times we try tocontrol things that we can't
control and, ironically, thiscomes as a surprise to a lot of
people.
We can't control our children'sbehavior and we can't control
their emotions.
Right, we can influence theirbehavior because there's
consequences for what they do,and so we can influence that.
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We can offer them bribes, money, treats, things like that to
get them to be more compliant,but at the end of the day, they
get the final vote.
So we can influence, but wecan't control.
When we try to control thingswe can't control, it sets us up
for failure.
The other thing I would say iswe have to be mindful of the
baggage that we bring into therelationship with our kids.
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I see a lot of people coupleswho are doing great and they
think, man, I've I've struggledwith things in my life, but I've
got a handle on it.
And then they have kids andthen all of the stuff that they
have overlooked starts wickingup.
It's kind of like when youclean a carpet and you think
you've got all the dirt and thenext thing you know the spot
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comes back.
Kids bring out a lot of thingsand remind us of our childhood
in a lot of ways and a lot ofways that others have
disappointed us.
And it's easy to startprojecting a lot of the things
that we went through on our kids, trying to protect our kids
from some of the things thatwere struggles for us, instead
of letting them find their ownway.
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The role of emotions is alsosignificant in that it clouds a
lot of the interactions.
Understand that controlling myemotions is kind of vital in
connecting with my kids.
It doesn't mean that I'memotionless, it just means that
I can regulate my emotions.
I often told kids you know,it's okay to be angry, it's not
okay to act angry.
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So if I'm trying to model howlife is supposed to be for my
kids, I need to show someemotional regulation, and I've
said in other podcasts that oneof the best predictors of
success in life is emotionalregulation over intelligence and
a lot of other qualities.
Emotional regulation kind oftrumps the day, because if I
can't control my emotions,everything is going to be harder
(08:56):
my interactions, my socialinteractions and my success in
life.
It just increases a lot of riskfactors.
Okay, and so understandingwhere we're coming from into
this parent-child relationshipis really important and kind of
owning our own stuff and beingaware of where our own landmines
are and what our triggers are,because I guarantee you, if
you've got a trigger and you'vegot a chink in the armor, the
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kids are going to figure it out,and they're going to figure it
out at a very early age.
So I think we underestimatechildren in a lot of ways, in
the sense that they are smarterand more manipulative, even at
very young ages, than we givethem credit for.
I have an example from a friendof mine whose daughter came
home from college and as theywere putting up the Christmas
tree and hanging ornaments, theycame across a broken ornament
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and they were reminiscing aboutthe day that they actually got
this ornament, when this collegeage girl was four or five years
old, and she told them thatsince you guys wouldn't buy it
for me, I broke it so you wouldhave to buy it.
Now that seems surprising froma four or five year old if you
haven't had a four or five yearold Kind of sneaky stuff and
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pretty clever, but it just givesyou some insights into some of
the things that the kids willsee in us.
They will pick up on everything.
They're emotional sponges.
They pick up all the good andthe bad from us.
So we have to be kind ofcareful on how we manage that.
And I think that kind of leadsus into some general ideas on
how do we connect with kids, aslong as we understand where
they're coming from.
(10:24):
I think the first idea is wehave to listen to kids.
I covered a lot of tips on howto have better conversations in
the podcast titledtransformative conversations,
but I'll cover them again herebriefly.
And I think, first thing, weneed to realize, even as parents
, it's not our job to fixeverything.
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Letting somebody talk istherapeutic and there's nothing
we need to add to that.
But a lot of times as parentswe feel like we need to jump in
and fix things for our kids.
We don't.
If I just listen.
That's going to allow them tocome to us and share their
feelings, thoughts and emotionswithout any sense of judgment,
or you know, here's a better waythat you can do this.
I think clearing your mind andstop thinking about what you
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need to say next and just beingpresent in those conversations
is great, and just lettingpeople talk, especially the kids
, let them talk to us.
Emotions are therapeutic and wedo a lot of things as parents
to kind of shut down theemotions of kids, especially the
crying and I know crying cansometimes be used as a
manipulative tactic by kids.
(11:31):
But letting them cry andexpress their emotions is
therapeutic in and of itself andso that's okay to let them cry
a little bit.
Silence is golden.
You know, I don't have toanswer everything.
I can just sit in the silencewhen they say something and I
don't feel like I have torespond to everything.
I also don't want to make itabout me.
It's very easy when my saysomething and I don't feel like
I have to respond to everything.
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I also don't want to make itabout me.
It's very easy when my kidscome and tell me something, that
I want to one-up them with astory of well, this is how rough
it was when I was a kid andblah, blah, blah, all those
kinds of things.
So listening is critical, Ithink, and kids pick up when
they feel heard.
I see, and I've said thisbefore, I see a lot of people
who don't feel heard and Ihaven't found one who isn't
pretty pissed off about it, andthat includes kids.
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So the second thing I would sayto connect with kids is focus on
the relationship, not theproblem.
We need to separate the childfrom the behavior.
Too many times when they dosomething wrong, that's the
problem, which means they arethe problem.
And again, if they're coming atit from being egocentric
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standpoint, right, they're goingto blame themselves for being
the problem instead of I made amistake.
They might interpret that as Iam a mistake.
So separating the child fromthe behavior is a good way to
look at it.
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Number three, I would sayrespond, don't react.
Manage your emotions and manageyour reactions, and I'll give
you a story about this one.
I saw a child who was a middleschooler and suffered with a lot
of depression, and we met for along time not really
understanding, and he didn'treally understand why he was
struggling so much withdepression.
And one day he said you knowwhat the problem is.
I saw that look ofdisappointment on my parents'
face once and I never want tosee that again and that drove so
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much of how he behaved, howmuch he was willing to share
with them.
Now, of course, the parents hadno idea that they had that look
of disappointment on their face, but he certainly saw it and he
certainly remembered it.
So I think being able tocontrol not just how we react
emotionally but also you knowwhat expressions are we showing?
Are we rolling our eyes?
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Are we looking disinterestedit's asking a lot in
communication to be aware of allof those things, but they're
also very important.
A lot in communication to beaware of all of those things,
but they're also very important.
The first thing I would say isask questions you actually don't
know the answer to.
So many times we come acrosswith this, I guess, almost
condescending way of talking toour kids asking them questions
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we already know the answer toDid you take the trash out?
Right?
Why did you do that?
Why didn't you do this?
And we assume we know theanswers to that and we probably
do.
But but just being curious andavoiding the why questions?
Right Cause, why questionsagain put everybody on the
defensive.
I just want to be curious andask those questions that I
honestly don't know the answersto.
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It comes across as much moreauthentic and leads to just a
better conversation in general.
Number five I think timing isreally important.
A lot of times we're on our owntimetable and we try to impose
that on our kids.
So, for example, if a child ishaving a meltdown and I saw this
a lot at the school, kidshaving meltdowns and crying and
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throwing little tantrums A lotof times we want to have a
discussion in that moment andimpart all these life lessons.
And the reality is when someoneis that emotionally
dysregulated, they can't hear itanyway.
So wait, there's no hurry.
We can have this discussion anhour or two hours when
everybody's in a better place,if I really want my message to
(15:04):
be heard.
So timing is crucial.
I think it's also important towhen they're distracted.
If they're, if they're focusedon their friends, a game,
something else, it's hard tohave that conversation.
And demanding attention, it'slike someone demanding that we
immediately pay attention tothem.
Let's give them a minute totransition and change their
focus instead of demanding itimmediately.
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Number six I would say isencourage independence.
And I know most people havealready heard this before but
never do anything for a childthat they can do for themselves.
Why?
Because there's way too manybad messages implicit in doing
that You're not good enough,you're not smart enough, I don't
trust you, you're not capable.
All these kinds of messages arekind of implicit when I'm
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intervening and not letting mychild fail a little bit and
struggle with something.
So much of the benefit in lifeis going through the struggle
and learning how to figurethings out and dealing with the
adversity.
As parents it's so much easierto intervene and just do it.
I get that.
It's a lot quicker, it's a lotless frustrating, but there's so
(16:12):
much more benefit to helpingthem to create that sense of
independence and that will paydividends way into the future,
when they're in their teens andstuff, and they have this sense
of confidence about them andself-esteem that they can do a
lot of things.
And also it makes our life alot easier as parents because we
don't have to do those things.
Teach a man to fish instead ofgiving him a fish.
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Number seven I would sayencourage the effort, not the
results.
Focus on the effort and processrather than the outcome.
Again, going back to this ideaof watching them struggle, even
if they don't accomplish exactlywhat they're trying to do.
The fact that they worked at itfor two hours is worthy of
recognition and it's good forpointing that out and saying
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you're proud of them just forthe effort.
So many times we are lookingfor the outcome to make that the
success, instead of watchingthem go through the struggle and
learn as they go through theprocess.
This experience of themstruggling.
I can't teach them that.
I mean, I can talk about it,but it's not the same as them
learning it on their own.
So I think there's so muchbenefit into just giving them
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some time and space to figurethose things out for themselves.
There is a great book I mightrecommend called the Gift of
Failure.
You ought to check that one out.
Number eight is an importantone Spend undirected time with
your children every day.
Now, this might sound like a lot, and this kind of goes back to
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being able to connect with kidsand giving them the time and
working against all of thesedistractions that we have in our
lives, whether that's media,social media, games work, you
name it.
Undirected time with your kids.
What do I mean by that?
I'm going to go to my kid andI'm going to say look, I've got
30 minutes, you got me for thenext 30 minutes and anything you
(18:00):
want to do we'll do, but we'lldo it your way.
So, for example, if my kidwants to sit down and play Legos
, I'll sit down for 30 minutesand play Legos however he wants
to do it.
I'm not going to sit there andtry to correct him and tell him
how better to do things.
This is just time for us tohang out and connect.
What we have found is thatthese periods of times even 20
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or 30 minutes a day we find kidstend to be more compliant.
They do their chores better.
They seem to be more compliant.
They do their chores better.
They seem to be happier, and Ithink the reason for that is
because they feel a connection,that the relationship between me
and my child are good and theycan pick up on that because
we've spent that good qualitytime together.
I think this fosters connectionand shows that you value their
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company.
Play, for example, in and ofitself is a critical aspect of a
child's life and if we canbring ourselves into that with
them.
We can get a lot of stuff outof that.
I'll talk about in just asecond.
But according to Jean Piaget,play is like a child's language
and a primary way they exploreand understand their world.
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So by sitting down and justtaking that 30 minutes, yes,
you're going to connect withthem and that's going to be
minutes.
Yes, you're going to connectwith them and that's going to be
awesome.
But also you're going to learna lot, especially from small
children, by watching themengaging in play and activities.
That allows them to expresstheir needs, their wishes, their
emotions and nonverbal ways.
A lot of younger kids justdon't have the words to be able
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to express themselvesappropriately or correctly or
accurately.
So by watching them just howthey play and interact with toys
, you can get a lot of insightsin terms of how they are and
where they are in life.
This can be incrediblytherapeutic and enlightening for
parents.
I think there's a lot ofresearch that suggests that
imaginative play is linked toemotional regulation, problem
(19:48):
solving skills and creativity inkids.
Number nine, I would sayconsistent limits.
I'm a big fan of boundaries.
I think boundaries equalsecurity and, if we go back to
one of the things that arereally important to kids is
safety.
So clear, consistent boundariesprovide a sense of that
security.
So I want you to think of likea small lamb.
(20:10):
You put the lamb in a smallcage and he feels restricted and
confined, but it also meanssafety.
He can't get out, but that alsomeans bad things can't get in,
so he's protected.
So you see this manifested in alot of kids.
When I set rules and boundaries,the first thing they do is they
go and they test the boundaryand that feels very
(20:30):
disrespectful.
As a parent, I just told younot to do it.
And there you go trying it.
But to think about it this wayhe's testing the boundary
because they want to make surethat it's real, because if it's
not real and I can push throughthe boundary, it's not safe and
that's not a good thing.
So if I understand that they'rejust seeking safety and they
(20:51):
need to make sure that myboundaries are going to be
consistent and I'm not going towaffle on those, then that is
going to be a sense of securityand safety for my kids.
This understanding also allowsme to be more consistent and not
make exceptions.
So when I talk about consistentboundaries, a lot of times we
will take electronics away for aweek and then by Wednesday,
(21:14):
three days into it, we were in agood mood and where everybody's
happy and I I waffle, and I Imake exceptions.
They are, you can have yourstuff back.
One of the things the love andlogic program teaches us is that
parents need to only say thingsthat are going to come true,
right.
So saying things like I'm goingto ground you for the rest of
your life, that's not going tocome true.
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But if I say I'm going to takeyour stuff away for a week, it's
going to be a week.
So I have to be careful how Isay that, right?
The consequences of this, ofcourse, sometimes that we end up
punishing ourselves as parents.
We take away all theelectronics and now we're and
ground the child and now we'restuck in a house with a very
unhappy, bored child.
So there's consequences forthat.
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But the intent is is that wecreate very consistent
boundaries and we can do thiswhen the boundary is very clear.
I know what the wrap boundaryis, you know what the boundary
is and if you cross thatboundary, I have to do something
.
I can't let that slide, becausethat's not being truthful and
that doesn't create a sense ofsafety for the child.
So when I say I'm going to dosomething, I'm going to do
something Now, I can leave itvague.
If you cross this boundary, Ihave to do something Now.
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This is a good strategy becauseit keeps the child from being
able to do the cost benefitanalysis of breaking a rule, and
so they don't really know whatthey're going to get, but they
know it's going to be something.
So it's a different way tothink about that and impose
those boundaries andconsequences.
Finally, let me say manageexpectations.
Be realistic about managingboth your expectations and your
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child's.
We all want to make thesechanges and make everything
better all at once, and it takestime.
Anytime you're changingbehavior, it takes a lot of work
, it takes time and it takespractice.
So it's important to be able togive me and my child some grace
, and when I say grace, what Imean is a lot of times when
things go bad with arelationship.
(23:12):
Kid makes a mistake.
Sometimes we treat that like itwas a malicious mistake, like
they did it on purpose.
Usually that is not the case.
So how do I have a little bitof grace from that Now?
There might be someconsequences.
You might have to fix something, repair something, but even
when that happens, we canapproach this from a call them
business-like approach.
We don't have to get emotionalabout it to set a boundary and
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enforce a boundary.
So if you cross the line, well,I have to do something, but I
don't have to get emotionalabout it to do that right.
It just is what it is.
It's a business transaction atthat point.
So let me leave you with aquestion, because I get a lot of
parents and I've asked this ofa lot of parents because they
struggle maintaining theboundaries and doing these kinds
of things, and I asked themwhat is it that keeps you from
(24:02):
doing what you know you ought todo as a parent?
It's a big question.
The most common answer seems tobe guilt, right, well, I don't.
I was treated a certain way andI don't want my child to feel
the same way.
Sometimes that's applicable.
Sometimes, many times, it isnot right.
I still have to do what I needto do as a parent, but my own
baggage sometimes keeps creepinginto the situation.
(24:24):
So I start projecting a lot ofmy own baggage onto my
children's lives.
So I think guilt is a very bigand important thing and this
kind of goes back into asparents, knowing where our own
triggers and our own landminesare and our own baggage that we
bring into these situations.
And kids are great teachers.
It's a hard, it's hard lessons,but they are great teachers and
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they're going to teach us a lotabout ourselves.
So in a lot of ways, we shouldbe thanking them for making us
angry and doing all the thingsthey're going to do to generate
all the emotions in us, becausethey're teaching us something
and they're showing us where thechinks in our armor are.
So let me leave you with thesethoughts, because I think
building strong connections withour kids takes time, it takes
(25:07):
patience, it takes effort, butthe rewards are absolutely
immeasurable.
By focusing on the relationship, being present and
understanding the kid's worldfrom their perspective, we can
foster deep and lasting bondsfor the rest of their lives.
(25:33):
aThanks for checking us out onthe unscripted mind today.
If you found this episodehelpful, share it with somebody
who might need it Also.
Please subscribe, follow us andleave a review, and if you have
any questions or topics you'dlike us to cover.
Please include that also.
Until next time, remember lifedoesn't come with a script.
So embrace the unexpected,cherish the unplanned, always
(25:56):
stay curious and have an amazingday.
We'll see you next time on theUnscripted Mind.
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