Seeking True Connection in a World of Instant Matches

Embark on an expedition into the heart of modern dating with this visionary guide, Tom Lamere of the Tom Lamere Project. As one navigates the quest for authentic connections amid a sea of dating apps and fleeting encounters, Tom unveils the power of intentional, face-to-face conversations. We probe the intricate dynamics of gender roles, the art of establishing genuine relationships, and the vital practice of nurturing those connections beyond the digital realm. If you've ever felt like a castaway in the swiping saga or crushed under the weight of societal dating pressures, this episode offers a lighthouse of hope and strategic insight.

Imagine a social event where the air is charged with the possibility of real connection, a place that defies the standard bar scene with its depth and intention. Tom takes you behind the scenes of such an event, crafted to ensure meaningful exchanges between attendees. With a careful vetting process and a unique preparatory method involving separate Facebook groups and thoughtful questionnaires, we set the stage for respectful interaction and personal growth. This isn't just a gathering; it's a masterclass in cultivating spaces where authenticity and respect reign supreme, paving the way for relationships that enrich and enlighten.

In closing we confront the transformative embrace of both masculine and feminine energies within relationships. Personal stories of vulnerability and emotional availability illuminate the path to a more harmonious connection, offering guidance for others to achieve this delicate balance. Our discussion is a testament to the significance of personal growth, the courage to face fears, and the life-changing impact of a supportive community. This episode is more than just a map through the maze of modern dating—it's a toolkit for personal development and the creation of fulfilling, lasting relationships. Join us for an earnest exploration of communication, and the continuous journey of self-discovery.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
So we want to do.

Speaker 2 (00:02):
Hello everyone and welcome back to another
unstoppable podcast series.
It's been a minute.
It's been a minute because I'vebeen traveling, doing events,
but during an event that I wasat in Miami, I met this
wonderful guy here.
His name is Tom Lamir and he isdoing some big things with the
Tom Lamir project, and I can'twait for him to speak on it
today.
He's going to provideincredible value.

(00:23):
If you are in the singlecommunity, you definitely want
to turn into this podcast,because this is really good for
you.
I wish I mean, of course, I'mengaged now, but I wish, when I
was single, that this was I hadthis option.
I had this feedback from peoplethat were really trying to make
this an intentional part ofdating, and not even dating,
it's a lifestyle.
So, tom, it's going to get intoit and tell you all about it.

(00:46):
So, tom, thank you for comingWelcome.

Speaker 1 (00:48):
I really appreciate it.
Megan, thanks for having me.
So yeah, right off the bat,let's just be honest with the
dating space these days it'sjust terrible.
Everybody that I talk to women,men, both they're all on the
apps.
You're like this is terrible,there's nobody out there.
One, there is everybody outthere.
But when you're on these apps,first thing is when you're
matching with people.
A lot of people just are goinglike this.

(01:10):
They're just swiping throughleft and right looking for
whatever, and most of that's fora dopamine hit.
And then you go to match andyou go back through and you say
I really don't even want to talkto this person.
Or you have, you know, a lot ofthose matches and you're like I
don't want to talk to any ofthese people or you have your
own life going on.
And then the people that areresponding are like why, you
know, why did you match with me?
And then so it's a hard thing.
There's a lot of things that arejust missed and in

(01:32):
communication like that that way, and also there's nothing
organic about it.
So you meet up with somebodyand there's this automatic
dating stigma on why you'remeeting.
So you might, instead of if youmet somebody at a social event
or anywhere you're shopping, atthe bar, wherever you're at,
it's a very organic thing andyou can become friends or start

(01:53):
talking, business, whatever.
But when you do the apps, it'sa.
It's a very non-organicconnection.
On top of that, we could behonest here too.
A lot of dudes are on there andthey're swiping and they're
saying we're heading out thegate, so really only sexual
things.
So it's very sexualized.
Women are being extremelysexualized right out of the gate
before anybody has aconversation.
So I have a lot of thosemessages too.

(02:15):
Come women just texting me allthe time.
With these messages.
I can start a new Instagram orTikTok page of just messages
from dudes talking about hey,you want to jump on this dick,
you know stuff like that.

Speaker 2 (02:25):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (02:26):
Also, there's a dating space that I want to see.
I'm single myself and I'mhaving the same issue on apps.
I don't even have them anymoreand it's way better off when you
do come off of the app and justreally.
This is very simple.
All you have to do is juststart talking to people.
Let's go talk to people, gomeet everybody.
So what is the?
What did I want?
The time on your project, thedating events that I do, that's

(02:50):
a piece of the date that I wantto see and it's connection and
intention, and it doesn't.
It's not practical to throwpeople in a room that they're
just going to fall in love,which you can do the first step,
and it's just conversation andit's just getting in fun of
people, and so in these daysit's very daunting for people,
especially dudes, who have to bethe leader.
So that's the, that's the partof the masculine energy.

(03:12):
Men have to make the first step, because that's part of being a
leader, or you're just going tobe this little data bitch.

Speaker 2 (03:20):
And who wants to be that?
So right, Right.

Speaker 1 (03:23):
Problem with that is that's what's happening these
days, and the women have to showup in their masculine energy.
They get jaded at the guy andthey get.
It's a whole problem.

Speaker 2 (03:31):
Right, yeah, I absolutely agree with that.
When you said women have toshow up in their masculinity
like there's that is so muchstrength in that.
And then it's like a doubleedged sword because guys are
like, well, I want to be able tolead, you know.
And then, but the good guys aregoing to say that and but then
they've been hurt or they'vechosen a path.
You know.
A lot of times it's you know,it could be women too.
I get it.
Um, but they have to stay inthat masculine energy side and

(03:53):
they don't want to let theirguard down to let a good man
take care of them.
So because, like you said,they've always got that bad
experience or that Snapchat hey,do you go on Snapchat or text
me this?
I swear, I hate Snapchat.
I think it's.
It's not bad if it's doneintentionally, but I think
there's been so many problems.
Come out of that, or just youknow if it's done the wrong way.
But I think that what you'redoing is amazing.

(04:14):
When you were telling me aboutin Miami, I was like you've got
to get on the podcast, or somany women that listen to this
podcast, we've got to get you on.
And I was like I was tellingyou earlier, I was sharing with
a friend at my birthday party.
We were at the Virgin Reve,taught for my 40th, my big 40.
And uh, she I was telling herabout it and she's like we need
this a national, like we needthis here cause she's single.
And she's like this issomething that I would feel safe

(04:36):
going to, that he's doing this,this product that he's doing,
and that that I can let my guarddown and be really who I am
because he's already done thebackground and screened
everybody, man and women, beforethey come in.
That's really cool, I like.
I like that.
So what?
You just were tired of seeingit.
You know your friends orwhatever, which is what led you
to thinking bigger and to dosomething a little bit

(04:58):
differently, out of the box,which is which is awesome.
So go a little bit into detailabout what happened then.
After the thought, like whatwould you just?
Sure, sure.

Speaker 1 (05:06):
After the thought yes , all that that you said and me
so, and so you know I'm doingthis kind of for me too,
gathering data to see what works, cause I'm single too.
I'm like I'm going to put thison for other people because this
is what I want.
So part of the manifestationand all that too, that's, you
know, energy and just creatingit, just creating a space for
this.
So I just decided what am Isitting around?
I can just do this, I'm justgoing to do it.

(05:27):
So here's, here's exactly whatI did.
Here was the, here's theframework, here's all I did.
I knew what kind of peoplewanted on a small scale.
All right, you just want.
You don't want a bunch ofdooshers showing up.
You don't want a bunch of guysthis is from a woman's
perspective.
You don't want a bunch of dudesthat are coming and trying to
sexualize you and just trying toget laid.
There's a space for that.
It's called the dive bar downthe street, where you can
anybody can go.
Do that, right.

(05:47):
So, this is.
This is more of like who'slooking for some sort of
connection conversation and Isaid, all right, I can just do
this.
So I booked an Airbnb and Imade it a nice location, nice
pool, great home, beyond somebackground.
And when people were signing up, part of the part of the thing
was everybody's going to bevetted.
And this again was mostly fordudes, because women are pretty,

(06:11):
pretty good about being honestabout what they're looking for
and they're you know guys willshow up just wanting to get laid
, wanting to get drunk.
I had to make sure I had aconversation with them.
And also, the other thing wasif you were just this
emotionally constipated personwhere you're like I have to get
a girlfriend because whatever, Iwas like, hey man, all good on

(06:32):
your dream there, but you got towork on yourself because that's
where your true happiness isgoing to come from and we can
work on that separate.
There's another part of the Tomand Lear project where we work
on that.
So good, women too.
I had a woman call me.
She signed up, held me back andsaid, tom, I just ran into my
ex-boyfriend and I was forward.
I am not ready for this and Ihave to have to pull myself out.
I said, hey, thanks for beinghonest.
There was a couple of people Ihad to deny because they were

(06:56):
just like I'm going to go party.
I was like, no, this is yes,we're going to have a great time
.
Yes, there's going to bealcohol.
Yes, there's going to be food.
Yes, there's going to be music,but this is a more like an
attentional conversationconnection in any capacity.

Speaker 2 (07:08):
So let me.
Let me get out of here too.
When he said Airbnb, guys, thisis just for the location.
They're not going there andstaying.
This is like a one night placeto be able to talk without bar
music, whatever.
So I want to make sure peoplereally understand the intention.

Speaker 1 (07:21):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (07:22):
I'm not like oh, we're going to go for the
fantasy suite there's no, yeah,no, you're going to get some
like Castle.

Speaker 1 (07:26):
No, it's just a place that I get you know part of my
book to bring everybody togetherand make sure it's a nice
location, quiet and all that.

Speaker 2 (07:34):
That's awesome, and where is the ones taking place
so far?
You said it on Beach Florida.
That's awesome.
Yeah, people come out.

Speaker 1 (07:41):
I have some people drive up from Miami, people that
didn't even you know didn'tknow.
Of course you know I knew withsome people just because they
you know a few friends weresingle and wanted to try it out,
and they did, and I got greatfeedback.
Some people were showing up tothe Airbnb.
I didn't know who they were.
I mean, I knew who they werebecause they signed up and made
a Facebook group of men andwomen separately so they could

(08:01):
get to know each other, like thewomen could get to know each
other first before coming in.
Same thing with the men.
Because if you just show up ina bunch of strangers, you know
it's a little, it's a littledaunting to just start walking
out an event.
So I'm going to have a Facebookgroup for everybody prior so
the women could.
On Versailles, and I would askquestions as well, like every
day, I had a question what youknow?
What are three things you wantto see in a man?
What are three red flags?

(08:22):
I also made a questionnaireprior to the event 15 questions
of what everybody's looking for.
And I have, I have all thatdata.
So when they got here, here's,here's how it went the people
showed up and I make I kind ofthey're not huge events where
there's like 100 people and Iseparate everybody.
That at Airbnb and it's asmaller type of thing.
We did a little, um, like mixerright in the beginning, so

(08:46):
everybody could kind of get toknow each other and talk and all
that.

Speaker 2 (08:49):
And then I separated everybody.
Yeah it was great.

Speaker 1 (08:51):
And then I separate.
And then I had some court sortof teachings or whatever you
want to call it.
What I became the fall guy.
I said here, guys, we're goingto be very effective at this.
And there was a little bar inthe backyard, the setup, and my
assistant went and sat there andI went up to her in three
different ways.
It was kind of like we set thesetting of a social experience,
a social setting where she therehaving a good time, and I
walked up to her and I was likea drunken idiot it's like Thelon

(09:14):
or like hey, you know, like avery, you know, rude and just
you know she pushed me away.
This is the one thing you don'twant to do.
It's being a fucking jerk offand a drunk asshole.
This is what you do not want todo.
The second one is what most men, most men, will do.
They will touch eye contactEvery signal from a girl to come
over and talk to them, or inthe world, because they're

(09:36):
terrified and they get stuck inhere, that they're not good
enough, she's not going to likeme.
There's all sorts of stuffright, she might be an
attractive girl and they get inhere and they won't go over.
Well, what's good is that?
Because that's a.
If you go over and get shot down?
Well, the goal wasn't to getaccepted.
The goal is for you to take thefirst step, especially if

(09:56):
you're scared.
So I spoke about that and thenI went and did what every man
should do.
If they're interested abouttalking to a woman, you just go
up and you say somethingrespectful hey, I noticed you
over here.
I wanted to introduce myself.
My name is Tom.
How are you Then?
That's it.
If she shoots you down, itdoesn't matter, because you made
the first step and she will atleast respect that you came over

(10:17):
.

Speaker 2 (10:18):
Absolutely, and you didn't make a jerk out of
yourself.

Speaker 1 (10:20):
Right, of course yes.

Speaker 2 (10:21):
I'm going to, I'm going to take it back just a few
dollars.
I'm like I'm really curious onthis.
When you go to vet these peopleto bring them in, what do you
do?
Do you get them on the phoneand talk to them?
Do you make a proper surveyLike what are their thoughts and
steps that they have to gothrough?

Speaker 1 (10:34):
Yeah, there's first thing is I have it out there.
I have a website of of footform and all that and there's a
sign up link with aquestionnaire.
So I get the questions and theway they answer them and I'll
tell you one of them, one of theflags is this and, like it or
not, this is just.
This is how it goes.
If you had one of the questionsis what is your living
situation, One of the answers isI live with my parents or my

(10:54):
parents basement, especially theman.
If you live with your parentsbasement, you, you are currently
not able to lead yourself, sohow are you going to lead a
relationship or a woman oranything?
So you have to.
I'm not saying you're a badperson, I'm saying you need to,
not your parents basement.

Speaker 2 (11:10):
Yes, let's, let's, let's.
I'm going to, I'm going to hateon that for a second.
That is really good.
This is all like about organic.
We said we're just going to gowith organic, this podcast up.
So so many people think that, oh, I'm a failure because I'm I'm
having, you know, lost my job onmy parents basement.
That's not what he's saying.
Guys, you could be a greatperson and have bad luck, but
does that mean that you're readyto take on a family?

(11:30):
Does that mean that you'reready to start a family?
I would say not.
I would not want to positionmyself until I'm ready to go.
I get, I get so many women andI've been here before too, where
you've had to take care of aman, and there's nothing wrong
with partnership, there'snothing wrong with joint things,
Okay, Okay.
So you women out there don'tcome at me like I can do it on
my own.
I'm not saying that you can't.

(11:51):
That's what you want to do,that's fine.
But Shilvery is not dead for meand like I tell my fiance that
all the time I'm like Shilveryis not dead, Opening the door,
doing sweet things, is not dead.
I love that kind of stuff and Ilove to know that a man is
taking care of a woman I'm notsaying you, they should wear it
all in their back.
Especially if you've beentogether for a while, if you're
married, you both should bedoing equal stuff.
Yeah, whatever, and that's myopinion.

(12:12):
But so many women start datingmen that just are not there.
Because they're not, they can'ttake care of themselves.
So how they're going to takecare of you emotionally,
financially, they're not goingto be able to do it.
Why?
That's the disaster from thestart.
And it's going to lead toresentment, a lot of resentment

(12:33):
down the road.

Speaker 1 (12:34):
Yep, yeah, and a lot of people might overlook the
fact that, well, this is a smallthing.
They live at home.
It's not a big deal.
Maybe at first you're having anice time or whatever, and then
you can't go to somebody's housebecause the parents are always
there.
You can't, and then theresentment starts to build.
You're right.
So after time you'll have athought process of oh, what a
terrible decision this was.
But not obligated, because nowI said I didn't care, now I said

(12:56):
I don't mind.
When you really do, differentauthenticity shows up too.
It's okay to say anybody'sperspective.
I don't really.
But I don't want to datesomebody who lives at home with
their parents and they're intheir 30s this is definitely a
few of them.
19 years old, of course you'reseeing a child.
I'm talking about people likelate 20s and above.

Speaker 2 (13:16):
Right.

Speaker 1 (13:17):
Yeah, not your parents' basement.
I know times are tough withmoney and everything, but people
need help.
If you get help, well then helpgoing and keep working on
yourself.
Keep going every day, lean onyourself, lean on the people
that can help with support toget you out of that situation.
But I mean, I'm going to askyou who friends, do you know
that when they say hey, theymeet a guy and say hey, I

(13:38):
currently live at home andthey're 35 years old.
The first thing they're goingto be like?
I don't know, I don't want todo this, but maybe they're
lonely, maybe they've beenwanting some sort of affection
and attention so long thatthey're just going to overlook
the fact.
I sound like a small thing, butin the long run it's not.

Speaker 2 (13:55):
No, it's not, and that's the thing.
Like I know, personal friendsof mine that have had to move
back home with their family, andthere is nothing wrong with
that, because times are harder.
Now.
I know people that are married,that have to live at home with
their family, and you know it'snot what they want.
They're trying to get out of it.
I mean more respect to them.
They're married, so I meanthey're trying to make a living
out of it.
It's he's talking about theones that are seeking

(14:16):
relationship that are saying I'mready for relationship, I'm
single, I'm not married, I'm notcommitted.
I'm going to take on a womanand hopefully she can make it,
because I can't take care ofmyself.

Speaker 1 (14:27):
Right, and the guy that you said, so the two of
them, so the people that yousaid they don't want to be in
that situation, they're tryingto get out of it, they're
working their ass off, versusthe guy who's living in his
parents' basement watchingNetflix, eating go-hose and just
chilling out.
That's a whole differentmentality.

Speaker 2 (14:42):
Very different.
Command you for doing that?
That's a huge question to haveon your research.
Okay go ahead.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I had toflip it and that.

Speaker 1 (14:50):
Yeah, that was just one of them, some of the other
ones that you know what flags,you're seeing people, what is
your emotional availability?
What do you find, as anemotional intelligence doctor,
from another person?
And I went through thequestions and then I spoke with
every person.
The men was my biggest, youknow, the biggest one to have to
make sure men were coming infor the right reasons.

(15:11):
And it's not that you got to bea little bitch coming into these
things.
It's that.
No, you could be a leader, comein and communicate.
And mostly I was like hey, man,why are you coming to this
thing?
And they're like you know, I'vebeen sick of this dating space
and I really am interested inthis type of connection that
you're talking about.
If it was some any kind ofanswer like that, that would be
good to go.
If you're like well, it soundslike fun and you know you got
drinks, no, so there's a bunchof guys well, like hey, guys,

(15:34):
listen.
No, no problem with that.
I have no problem with yourlifestyle or what you're doing.
Just go to the bar next door onthe street and that's where
you're going to find what you'relooking for for the one night
stand or whatever that is.

Speaker 2 (15:44):
You're being intentional with this.
That's awesome.

Speaker 1 (15:47):
I'm not saying listen , if people want to be adults
and make decisions afterwards,that's on them.
If they, you know.
But um, and I don't, I don'thave any rules about how they
want to connect on their hereeither.
They, they can.
A lot of places they'll be.
Like, don't exchange phonenumbers or emails, because we do
that at the end.
We want to make sure I have norules.
If you guys want to.
There was many people that wereat the event that they connected

(16:08):
on every different levelfriends, business so you're
interested.
Unless you're not, you can say,oh, I really I have a friend
that would really like to meetyou, because X, y and Z or hey,
we both like brunch.
Let's go sit up at brunch Withall of our friends and then we
can all have this littlecommunity and that's how it
starts, like the first.
But people, I think, get insidetheir head and they say I got a

(16:29):
lot of questions afterwards hey, did anybody fall in love with
any, with any, with any?
I'm like that's not the, the,the premise of the whole event.

Speaker 2 (16:37):
Right.

Speaker 1 (16:37):
Yes, it's a dating event.
No, it's not practical to putpeople in a room to be like here
you just met this person, gofall in love.
It could be like sparks flying,there could be all that stuff,
but you, there's only one way tofind out, and that's get in fun
of each other.

Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yeah, get in front of each other in a safe place and
then make conversation, go on acouple of days, you know, a day
after really get to digging andknow people.
Sure, I mean, I I think one ofthe problems a lot of women that
I coach, with unstoppable womenthat I talk to, um and I, and I
realized this and it was justlike a aha moment, which is
really why I zoned in on doingwhat I did for the women.
There's so many things that I'mdoing there, but it was because

(17:13):
, like myself, I watched what Ipicked and it goes back to like,
my first definition of love wassomebody that was a narcissist,
which I didn't know what thatword was at the time.

Speaker 1 (17:23):
Sure Sure.

Speaker 2 (17:24):
And somebody that was , you know, verbally and
sometimes you know, verballyabusive, and there was some
other things that I mean I'm notit's too long to pack out on
this podcast, but but that wasmy first definition of love and
so I just ran with it and Ithought, for some reason in my
morbid way, that I was attractedto it.
Not everybody that I dated fromthen or relate, had a social

(17:46):
relationship with followed thatsame path, but there weren't.
There were certain qualities insome that were, you know, and
some of the breakups were myfault, because I wasn't
emotionally there, because Ihadn't healed from the trauma
that had happened before, youknow, and that, like I said, we
could go down a complete rabbithole on that.
I don't mean you both agreewith that.
You know, unhealed trauma leadsinto bad decisions and
relationships and life andeverything else.

(18:06):
Then you know, and and I didn'tunderstand that I got older and
sort of unpacking it and thenstop, stop making those myriad
decisions, and I came back tolike my first definition of what
I thought love was, and ittotally wasn't.
It was opposite of what loveshould be, and you know, I was
young and having to figure itout and then continually making
those choices, a lot of timesagain in an attraction, and

(18:28):
looking for those things love,bond and and just fear of
abandonment.
You know, all that stuff cameand just I would almost like
some of these women do and someof these men do, they settle for
a job and they don't want to bealone and it's like, okay, they
don't fit this quality, thisquality.
But I always encourage peoplelike you got to make a
non-negotiable, you've got tostick to your non-negotiable

(18:48):
list.
You know like I'm all aboutpeople can change.
You know, have somenon-negotiables and negotiables
or whatever, but there's somethat, to the root of your core,
you shouldn't budge on becauseit's not going to work, like you
said.
You know like, well, I don'treally want somebody that
doesn't have a job and live in ahome in the basement with their
parents.
But maybe he'll change or I justwant to be with somebody you
know and and then it leads tolike a path of, like you said, I

(19:10):
can't say anything now, I'm toofar in, it's not working.
I resent this person, I can'tsay anything and breathe, and it
doesn't work, you know.
Yeah, I think that's that allgoes back to it.
And then another thing to Tom,and I don't know if a lot of the
guys that you work with havethis problem.
I know some of the ones that Iknow do, and we've talked about
it before.
But a lot of the women that Icoach, they have a lot of their

(19:32):
problems with relationships,goes back to daddy issues and it
goes back to their dad eithernot being there because they
passed, or, in my case, my dadhad a severe traumatic brain
injury.
He was a great man, but duringmy teens, when I was supposed to
see how a young lady wassupposed to be treated, my dad
was trying to remember his name.
He was trying to survive.

(19:52):
He was legally bond and that'snot, that's not a dig at him.
I mean that's just how it was.
So I had to figure it out on myown.
I mean my mom said, you know,like you can't do this, you know
she tried her best, but there'sonly certain things a mom can
teach.
A male role model reallyteaches their daughter how a man
is supposed to treat them.
I fully believe that and inthat case I didn't have that

(20:14):
example.
So I went with the first loveexample that what I thought was
love example and I mimickedthat's what I thought love was
for so long chaos, drama, youknow, and just and just all
kinds of crap, until I figuredout the problem and I had the
all hall moment I was able tohelp other women.
And then they go back andthey're like, oh my gosh, my dad
wasn't here.
My dad, you know, I wasn'traised.

(20:36):
I was raised by a single mom.
You know she did the best shecould, but I didn't have that
male influence of what a goodman should be like and treat a
woman like.
So, yeah, I don't know if yousee that some on the male side
sometimes momish.

Speaker 1 (20:49):
It's the, they'll be that or a toxic ringing, even
not it doesn't have to be toxic,it can be just like certain
things that triggered you andyou were your kid and that's the
certain ways that you're wired,and then you carry that through
your adulthood and then thatcould turn into a like an ego
thing where your ego when you'rea figure out, when you're a kid
it's a protective thing andwhen you become an adult it

(21:13):
makes you an avoidant becauseyou've changed and you don't
know how to change with it.
So, healing all that stuff inthe past, it doesn't matter what
it is.
It could be if your fatherwasn't there, your mother wasn't
there, or any sort ofabandonment, any sort of just
whatever you have, it can follow.
So if you haven't dealt with it, you have to deal with it.
And then I want to touch onwhat you said about the

(21:36):
narcissism in the love bombingas well, because that's huge,
like that right now.
That's like a huge and all that.
All that is is the guys andgirls Well, mostly girls like if
you see a guy out there and youmeet him and he immediately
trying to take you on a vacationor away or just buying you
concert tickets.
This is within like a few daysof knowing you work a week or
whatever.
This is a huge, a huge sign ofpossible what the narcissist is

(22:00):
going to do, because he's goingto pull back from that.
When you're, when you are, whenyou start reciprocating any
sort of love or feelings, hewill pull back and then you will
chase him and it's a whole.
It's a whole problem.
So you're right, the women thatI've known, a lot of women who
were very attracted tonarcissists, so they haven't
healed from that and then when agood leader, a good man, shows
up in their life, they'll rejectthem.

(22:21):
So I agree, I totally agreewith you about the healing.
And then men as well, if theyhaven't healed from what they
have going on, they willself-sabotage.
Good women I mean good womenand I can.
I am a, I can speak someauthority on this because I used
to do it and whatever I wasdoing, my, I used to live a very
toxic life where I was just my.
My two vices huge devices wasblacking out on alcohol and

(22:45):
vagina unemotional vagina andjust sleeping with whoever I
could.
Now this is you have to pullyourself out of that and once
you get into that, the webyou've spun for your life and
the hypnotic rhythm that it'sday after day, and you even know
how you got into it.
You were just having fun, youknow.
For a couple of hours or longyou were just having fun and
then it's become your life andthen you're getting drunk all

(23:06):
the time with your friends andthen you become the ringleader
of good to go.
Do this.
Like right, there's a night,we're going here Friday,
saturday, sunday, we're going togo here and here, and the whole
time, in the pen of my career,I've just wanted a good,
feminine, divine feminine womanto go the relationship with, and
a family and all that.
And I wasn't doing anything toshow up like that.

(23:26):
I was just boozing sacks.
And you wake up one day andyou're like, what the fuck?
Where is time?
You're going to wake up and saywhat am I doing?
You're looking at the ceiling,what am I doing?
So I started my own path ofpulling myself out of that,
because no one can tell you todo it.
They can, they can notice itmaybe and say, hey, what are you
doing?
And you're like, yeah, once youdecide I've had with this,
because this is just, I justhave an empty.

(23:48):
I just have this empty life andit's just.
I'm just hungover all the time.
Yeah, I have a job.
Yeah, I'm doing some things,yeah, okay.
So I'm just going to say thingsthat you actually want from
your most authentic, most partof your soul.
You're not doing and you'reavoiding one.
The ego could show up and makesyou an avoidant, and now you're

(24:08):
scared to be seen.
All these things, it's a hugething.
We love bombing.
Yeah, that's where it started.
Yeah, if you're, if you're alove bombing, stop.
And if you're a woman and younotice it, pump the brakes and
have a hard.
Look at who you're talkingabout.

Speaker 2 (24:21):
It is, and the sad thing about it is that a lot of
these women are not going tonotice it until they go through
it.
And that was with me when Ireally I mean I had doses here
and there I think of narcissistpersonalities or whatever,
because I think you know it canbe.
You can sit there and notnotice everybody as a narcissist
if you really want to and lookright, right.

Speaker 1 (24:40):
There's tendencies over the place of argument.
No, it's not everybody's anactual narcissist.

Speaker 2 (24:44):
Not everybody's an actual narcissist, no, so I mean
you have to be careful withthat, because you know so many
women are men and I'm anarcissist and I'm like I know
yeah, the best word these days,I get it.
Yeah, it's the act, and I'm likethat's it, that's my act, you
know.
And but I had one that was, youknow, it was a stream case of
it and I did not realize it.
And when I got out of it I waslike, oh my gosh, like I really

(25:06):
started studying what it was andand everything.
And I'm like, wow, I wascompletely loved.
And then I went back in myother relationships.
I'm like I probably wanted tomore work, but I didn't at the
time.
But then I became single againand I started dating and I
remember I went on a date withthis one guy and I'm sitting
there and I had, kind of, we hada good conversation, you know.
You know, faith to me isimportant.

(25:28):
So women, please be careful andthis is me.
And two, do not give them aplaybook before you engage,
because if it's the wrong personand you're giving them a
playbook of what you want, toomuch narcissist people will will
be that person until they'renot Okay.
So I would have this, mynon-negotiable list, and stuff
like that, and I'm like, oh, I'mjust going to give it to them

(25:49):
just to see if they fit.
They would use it against me.
So you have to be very carefulwith that.
So you said back in watch,watch actions, not words.
This is for men and women.
Okay, and one thing that I woulddo I would see the good too
much in people sometimes and,like I said when people were
listening, I have screwed uprelationships myself.
I am not perfect.
Like you said, we both hadyou've had your past, I've had

(26:12):
my past.
It's taken a lot of wrong toget it right.
Okay, but I will say this whenI, when I figured it out and I'm
like, oh my gosh, so I wentinto this date, it was a we had
a conversation you know, godpray with you over the phone.
I'm like, oh, he's, he's aChristian man.
This could be the one you know.
You know, in my head I'm justsaying that, not saying out loud

(26:32):
.
And so then I started noticinglike he would ask me questions
on the phone and I would be likehe is leading, this is a
leading question.
This is a leading question.
Like, um, like I would wearsomething really, really cute or
a band suit out the lake.
And he's like so how can you bea Christian and wear that
famous suit?
And blah, blah, blah, blah, andyou are manipulating me Saw it

(26:53):
and I didn't say anything.
I was like maybe I'm wrongbecause I'm still new at trying
to figure out this world ofnarcissism, right?
So I was like something thatfeel right, like when you get
that gut feeling in your stomachlike you want to get sick or
choking you a little bit.
That's usually your gut sayingsomething's not right here, pay
attention.
So I I guess I was like, okay,I'm going to go to lunch so I
can leave real early or whatever.

(27:14):
So I'm going to go to lunchwith this person and I'm going
to set whatever.
As soon as I saw that person, Iknew I was immediately within
five minutes, that's what he was, and I was nice.
I offered to pay for my own feebecause I was like I don't, I
don't want nothing else fromthis, I've seen enough.
But it made me feel good toknow that I, that my gut was
right and that I listened tomyself and I walked away from
potentially bad situation.
Because if I before the oldMegan would have kept been like

(27:36):
I wish nothing, you know, thisis who he really is.
He's saying he's a Christian.
He's saying that he's this,this, this on my list, which is
what I'm looking for.
And then now I've got three orsix months into a relationship
and then I find out who they are, cause usually about six months
, you're going to know if theyare one and um, it saves you a
lot of time.
So I I think that you beingintentional on doing a lot of
the legwork on the front end now, cause they still sneak in.

(27:57):
Yeah, people can lie every day,of course.
That's why you needed, that'swhy that your, your project goes
more than just hate.
We're setting you up on thisday.

Speaker 1 (28:05):
Of course Right, and yeah, there's way more and I and
I work with.
I work with men and I will bestarting a woman's part because
I get a lot of questions likeTom.
I mostly get help hit up fromwomen.
They're saying, tom, why areyou only talking about dudes?
Because like we're over here,like we need this too, and I
said and I used to get in myhead saying like, oh, I don't
really know what drives a woman,but that doesn't matter.
I could work with theirinsecurities and them being
sexualized and them levelingthemselves up, and they're

(28:28):
probably like positive words forwhatever.
It is Right.
So that's another little segueto something else later on.
But the I just want to makesure that we I I touch on this
because we talk about narcissismand the love bombing If there's
a person out there that you'redating and they want to treat
you right and do good things foryou, maybe take an application
and it's quick.
This is actually me thisdoesn't necessarily mean that

(28:49):
they're going to pull you backand screw you over as a
narcissist.
No, they might.
But there's also, there's lotsof the guy out there who he's
lonely and he's anxious and hemeets somebody and he
immediately starts firing offbecause he's been, he's had this
empty heart for so long and hehas finally somebody that is
paying attention to him and he'she licks her.

(29:09):
Versus just the, the datingapps and all these things.
Versus this is Monday talk andas you have some sort of
connection, maybe a couple ofdates, maybe one or two, maybe a
couple of conversations andimmediately starts firing off on
contract tickets or a road tripor whatever, immediately.
That doesn't necessarily meanhe will be a narcissist, but
they will.
They will say that I've knownpeople to do this and they're

(29:31):
not narcissists.
But once they get their needsmet very quickly and that
loneliness up is full, they pullback and they're like well, I'm
good and I really didn't reallylike this girl and I just they
just needed something.
So this is not going to be apopular advice that I'm going to
say right now, but this is justthe way I feel and this is what

(29:52):
I really think mentioned to bedoing.
If you're a guy out there andyou're dating and you meet a
woman and you hit it off andyou're having a good time and
you're all these things andyou'll really like her, you're
like, okay, you feel that you'regoing to have that feeling.
You're going to be like man.
What is this?
This is like somethingimmediately set up three dates
with other women in parallel.
You don't have to tell thewoman that you're dying to date

(30:14):
and you like this is calleddating, so you're not breaking
any rules.
Nothing has been defined.
The reason we're doing this isthis Okay, you have this woman
here, she's the one you like.
Okay, if you're a lonely,anxious, needy later and you
have to just get that need, thatwe're going to get that need
met over here with these threedates.
If you're over on these threedates and you're thinking about

(30:34):
this one and you really don'twant to be here and you're
thinking over here, well thenthere's, then there could be
something.
So that is my, that is myadvice for men.
If you, if you're that's howyou know if it's really
authentic and you're reallyintentional.
No woman wants to be just thevessel to fill your lonely cup.
She wants to be picked becauseshe's she has her own values.

(30:55):
That you see, then you likethat and you're connecting on
her values, her, her, her, her,her personality, Her.
She's very specific, not thatshe's just the vessel for a
shoulder to cry on or compassion, or the feminine divide and
energy that you're looking for.
If you're doing that, you'regoing to get that from women
over here as well.

(31:15):
So if you're getting, if you'regetting your needs met by just
going on dates because andyou're not lonely well then do
not bother this one over here,because when you do that you're
going to end up hurting somebody.
So make sure you're good to go.
Don't treat somebody like thevessel if you're really actually
trying to date themspecifically, like that's where
the intentionality and your mostauthentic person can think of.

(31:35):
So that might not be popular tosay that Like, hey, there are
three sets of dates immediatelywhen you start liking somebody
else, but that's the only wayyou're going to really know.
Know if you like the woman orif she's the vessel.

Speaker 2 (31:47):
Right, and that's good.
And a lot of men will go afterstrong, independent women like
these top that you're talkingabout, the narcissist people
because they're attracted tothat.
It's a challenge for them, butthen they don't know what to do
with them.
They're like, oh gosh, they gottheir own voice of reasoning
and they don't really need me orwhatever.
You know.
And again, you know, vice versa, women that have been hurt,

(32:10):
that are walking in thismasculinity of their self that
they have to take care of.
You know I've asked for help.
You know I have.
It comes with complain orwhatever.
So you know it's, it's such a,it's almost a spiritual of
finding within yourself.
I mean it really is when youfigure it out.
I know you know exactly whatI'm talking about because you've
been there, done that andyou've had a walk to that

(32:33):
journey yourself.
And it's like you.
It's like you learn a littlebit and then you want more.
You learn a little bit and youwant more, but you're exactly
right, yes.
Right, and then you learn, likewhat is Megan, like what is Tom,
like you know, I'm wait aminute, I was just doing that
because somebody else liked it.
I really don't like doing that.
I like doing this, this andthis.
You know, yes, when you reallyfind yourself, you know, I tell
people all the time and I tellthem off, you know, and say now

(32:54):
I said, when I really foundmyself, it came out for a really
bad heartbreak of arelationship, it was a broken
engagement, and I still, I meanI'm now able to be nice if I see
the person.
There's no resentment.
You know that we both moved on.
We're very happy, but for a longtime I didn't want to look and
say, look, to make people saytheir name.
I don't want to hear about it.
I don't want to hear to thepicture, I don't want to hear
nothing.
I'm still really, really bitterabout it and heartbroken about
it.
And and I say this to say this,when I finally healed from that

(33:17):
, this is how I knew I was atthe country music hall of fame
and an event and I might havehad one glass of wine so I know
it wasn't all the wine that wasdoing this and a music came on
and I was up dancing andlaughing and I had this piece
that I can't even describe and Iwas happy for me.
I was there with no date, I wasthere by myself and I was having

(33:39):
a good time and I was like,okay, I found myself, I finally
did it.
It took a lot of healing and ittook a lot of me not jumping
into something really quick, youknow, to heal a wound, because
a lot of times people will be ina relationship jumper.

Speaker 1 (33:55):
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 (33:56):
Yeah, yeah.
And then they don't heal andthey just go one trauma, they
bring the baggage and baggageand baggage and this adds up.
So yeah, I totally agree withyou on that and the piece that
you have and finding youridentity is so free and y'all
it's worth that.
If you're listening and you'regoing through it right now, it's
worth just taking a pause on it, on the dating law, until you
find it so yeah, 100%, andyou'll find yourself in I spoke

(34:19):
about earlier that hypnoticrhythm and that's that web.

Speaker 1 (34:21):
If you're just a data , a serial data, a relationship,
serial relationship, boom, boom, boom, it's all external
validation and that's all you'relooking for.
And once and you talk about itwhen you put the internal
validation and you feel that forthe first time, you're like, oh
my God, this is great.
So number of things you can dobesides dating men and women.
And I tell everybody just goget a step, getting healthy

(34:43):
physically and mentally, you'll,and in play, well, it will
happen.
The same at the same time, youknow, go on a run or a walk or
the gym or whatever that lookslike for you.
Get into some good books, getinto meditation, breath work.
I started doing breath work.
I didn't even know what it wasuntil I did and I just started.
You know, you sit and youdownload the Wim Hof app and you
do a couple of exercises.

(35:03):
You're like man, I just feelbetter.
I don't even get it, yeah, sothose are very small, simple
things anybody could do in 10minutes to start, to start, like
you know, getting through thatand just figuring out who you
actually really are, yeah, and Imean I totally agree with you
on that and people are like,well, what can I do?

Speaker 2 (35:20):
And I'm like, listen, you know, I'm tired of being by
myself.
Well, what I did, what I didwas I started written Airbnb's
for a night or two by myself toget me, get me out of the scene.
I didn't want to go to a bar, Ididn't want to go where we're
you know to get hit on.
I needed my mind clear and Iwanted to work on my work.
I wanted to work on insopple.
Well, that's when insopple werereally took off and grew

(35:41):
because I was, you know, in themiddle of the singleness.
And then I went and took mywork and went in to Airbnb and I
would check in and I would workand I would work on my book and
I would work on episodes andbook and guest and events that
were coming up.
And I took so much pride inthat and I had just a good time
just relaxing, doing puzzles.
I'm like, am I 80 now?

(36:01):
Like what's going?
on yeah it was just the slownessthat I think I was attracted to
a lot versus a fast pace.
And then, you know, then thenpart of me was like Well, I can
download this app again.
I'm like, why no?
No, because that's just gonna,like you said, give immediate
fulfillment.
But then you're going to be allover again and you're going to
be back where one and then I domy else's problems.
Like you, take care of yourself,and there's so much more than

(36:24):
that.
Don't do the app, y'all.
No, if you take anything fromme, yeah, yeah, that's, that's
good stuff.
Sorry, I'm fighting a son isinfection, which is why I keep
drinking the water, yeah, so sogoing into that, you know your
the intentional dating.
Have you had any couples thathave, like, made a relationship
out of this so far?

Speaker 1 (36:44):
Not a relationship as of yet, but I'm very new at the
dating events space.
So I would do, I would workwith men, I would build people's
confidence and go through aroadmap with them, basically.
So, if you don't have a roadmapin life, basically a vision,
it'll hold me and we can startworking and we can start doing
all sorts of stuff.
Where, where, where, where youare you, where do you actually
want to go?

(37:04):
And you spoke on this earlier,megan, which I loved it's I was
just doing everything elseEverybody else was doing, or
what this guy said, or that.
No, you know, everybody hassomething in the foot of their
core, of their soul, that theyreally want to be doing.
It could be like in life orjust at the moment, it doesn't
matter, but that's where yourmost authentic stuff so it's
coming out and it could bedaunting to start talking about
it, because if you've never doneit, you bring it out there.

(37:26):
You're putting yourself outthere.
We're going to get a lot ofjudgment good, bad, indifferent
but what you get past that andbeing uncomfortable, nothing
good is going to happen unlessyou start being uncomfortable.
Everybody that's sitting inthere right now and they're
unhappy with their life, andyou're doing the same thing over
and over.
You're going to the same places, you're meeting the same people
.
You're going, you're living thesame.
You've never been in yourcomfortable and I don't need

(37:49):
comfortable where you're likecomfortable your feet on the
couch.
Yes, that's one form, but Imean you haven't felt this like
oh my god, I'm gonna try this,what the?
And then you do it when you'refine, everything's fine, and you
just keep you, just keep goingand going like that's the way to
do it you will find your most,your most, your, your, your best
version of yourself in the mostuncomfortable charted waters.

Speaker 2 (38:10):
Yeah, oh gosh, that is so good because I'm ten, if
he's right, hundred percent.
If you're not uncomfortable,it's not big enough.
You need to keep going back tothe drawing board.
Right, like to grow.
You have to be uncomfortableand it's like, well, what if
somebody judges me?
Or what if I say their ownthing?
Who cares?
You're freaking human, yourpeople, this one, like be
genuinely who you are.
I said that all the time.
Be genuinely who you arebecause you're gonna attract
your people, your tribe, becausethe ones that are not, they

(38:32):
would leave you the Minute youdidn't agree with something on
Facebook you know like who cares.
There's a million people in theworld love.
Bless them.
We believe them, don't be rude.
Bless them, release them.
But I love how you said thatthat is so good.
I've said that all the time.
That is really good.
And one thing that once youstart doing that too, you're
gonna learn how to be a bettercommunicator too, and and how
you're gonna know this and I canspeak this from being in a

(38:54):
relationship, one that I, that Ifeel like it's a finally, you
know that finally, moment thatyou get, you know I thought I've
had it before like I'm like,okay, gosh, this is it.
You know, whatever.
How I knew with Travis is Iwould.
We both came from like a lot ofyelling and a lot of Talk,
sickness in in pastrelationships, and how I really

(39:18):
knew was when we would get intoit.
We wouldn't yell at each otherand we would.
I mean, we're very passionatepeople.
People they think that we'reyelling, but we're just very
passionate people truly.
But we wouldn't.
We wouldn't call each othernames, we wouldn't Exe each
other out, like we wouldn't likego days without speaking to
each other, like we learned tocommunicate.
And they were things that hedidn't know, because he's never

(39:40):
really had what we have and Inever really had what we had,
and it took a lot ofcommunication.
I think a lot of people werelooking.
A lot of men and women look forego strokes from other people,
even if they have a goodrelationship.
Like you said, a lot of peopledon't know what to do with a
good woman if they have them, sothey still go out and they look
for what I call ego strokes.
They have a good woman.

(40:00):
It's like they're not cheating,but they're, you know they're
testing.
And I think that that's soimportant that when you're in a
healthy relationship and there'scommunication there, that's not
happening, because if you feelNot validated, you can go to
your significant other and belike, hey, this really hurt my
feelings, or this is where I'mnot getting mad at, and you can

(40:21):
talk, and a lot of times theydon't even know it and they can
fix that problem, so you don'tfeel like you have to go out and
get those.

Speaker 1 (40:27):
You know those little , you know those little pep
talks from other women orwhatever, because I think I said
when you, when you're able todo that from a man's perspective
, it used maybe it used to be.
I don't know where this camelike if I just suppressed.
Oh, they were actually.
They're feeling because we're amayor supposed to deal with it.
Yes, I'm not saying any, youshouldn't be just a whiny little

(40:48):
girl but there because as a manyou're supposed to provide it,
to protect as a bare fuckingminimum.
But what a leadership is goingto show up with your woman if,
if you just suppress and stuffand you walk her out, that's not
gonna work.
So if you start saying exactly,say like hey, I got x, y and z,
I'm feeling like this becauseof this, and it's part of
communication and Confrontationas well.

(41:09):
So, like you said, you know ifyou're getting a fight or
something not even a fight butlike confrontation is a part of
communication, and if yousuppress, that, that's just
gonna bottle everything up andit's not good.
So I I fully agree with you onthe communications huge, and
I've had to learn that.
You know that's myself or I.
I did exactly what I just said.
I used to do that when I wasyounger and I remember being a

(41:30):
past relationships and it waslike, hey, I can tell
something's wrong with you,what's up, and you just
immediately shut that down like,just leave me alone, or
whatever it is right.
So if you can just say, hey, Igot this going on, one, you feel
like the way the world has cameoff your shoulders and two,
there's somebody there thatcares, that's listening to you,
you know.
So Confrontation is a part ofcommunication.
So have your, have your littlefights, whatever, and then it's

(41:52):
communications.
Great, it's the best part.

Speaker 2 (41:55):
Doesn't mean it has to end.
That was a big for me.

Speaker 1 (41:57):
Hmm.

Speaker 2 (41:58):
I was like before, it was almost like a media
approach for watch the moviemedia, like you wrong me, I
wrong you, you know, and it wasjust immature.
You know, we were both immaturebecause we were again an
unhealed trauma and we couldn'tget safe with each other because
we technically didn't trusteach other.
Because, like, I felt like Ihad to defend myself and he had
to fit.
The person I was, you know,people I was with had to fit in
their self and it was as aconstant back and forth of like

(42:20):
ping-pong match of just talks,talk, sickness and and just
wasn't worth it.
But I know I'm jumping back towhat we're talking about before.
There's just so many goodnuggets for bouncing off each
other.

Speaker 1 (42:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (42:30):
I think it's great, I think these, these listeners
are gonna really enjoy this too.
But when you're talking about,when you start thinking bigger
and making yourselfuncomfortable, you may lose
people.
You may lose people in yourReal of people that you've
outgrown, you don't know.
I'm not saying I never tellanybody, don't act better than
anybody, because you're notalways remember where you came
from.
Right, we're all have some kindof values at the table to bring

(42:53):
, sure, but there's some peoplethat you're just gonna have to
distance yourself from.
Like I said, blessing, release,love them and release them and
be nice to them, wish them thebest, but they're gonna bring
you down, they're gonna keep youin a room.
Everything that you do is gonnabe stupid, it's gonna be too
hard, it's gonna be negative.
I mean, I even got familymembers that when I have
something big getting ready tohappen, I will not tell them

(43:15):
because I know if I do, they'regonna take my high and it's
something in my drive andthey're gonna bring it out.
Yep, and it won't surpassbecause I've let them get in my
head, you know.
And.
But then I've got familymembers that I can go to and
friends that will be like you goFigure it out.
We know you can do what we don't, how you're gonna do it, but we
know you'll do it, you know.
So you need you need those typeof people that are gonna be
pushing you, and if you can'tfind those rings, you need to

(43:38):
get in bigger rings, like go tothe events.
Like me and Tom we met at anevent where there's some big
thinkers in there yeah, and bigthings, you know.
Get a coach, go to conferences,things like that.
Hiring a coach, I was the bestinvestment I ever made in myself
and I'm like Like I coach nowtoo.
And I'm like how people thinkit's so stupid.
It is not stupid.

Speaker 1 (43:58):
It is why I grew one of those people that would say
that I used to be.
Until you do it and you're likeme too.

Speaker 2 (44:03):
Why would you do that ?
There's YouTube videos, or yeah, you know they hold you
accountable.
If you have a good one, they'llhold you accountable and
they'll give you tools to Reallymake you think bigger.
You know you want youraccountable.

Speaker 1 (44:15):
That will a lot of people that are saying that like
, oh well, why would you pay forsomething like that one?
Well, I I never understood ituntil you.
Until you do, and, of course,rest my life, or some sort of
mentor or somebody that I'mGonna be working with all time,
and then they'll probably justget you know.
Whatever I'm at in my life,it'll be somebody that there's a
, there's a road that's alreadybeen paved.
I'm gonna be on it.
How do I get there?
What do I do?

(44:35):
But 100% the getting rid of thepeople in your life that are
just bringing you down and youtouched on it there.
A lot of them are gonna beeither very good friends or
family members that are gonna besaying, like the Rhetoric is
always, yeah, but instead of thesand, if you're, if you're out

(44:57):
there, being like we allprobably do this.
Right, I'm not perfect, youknow.
Sometimes you catch yourselfdoing it.
But if you can change yourverbage from like yes, yeah, but
Explains the like, hey, megan,the mega is gonna make a, is
gonna start a new podcast, oh,I'm so excited about it, yeah,
but I mean how you gonna do that.
And like, who's gonna want totalk to you?
Who's?
This is so negative and you'reright, it will bring you down.
Hey, meg is gonna start a newpodcast.
Yes, and she can meet so manynew people.

(45:19):
Yes, and she can level up.
Yes, and make connectionseverywhere.
Yes, and is way better thanyeah.

Speaker 2 (45:25):
So I challenge everybody out there when you're
talking to your friends, justpractice yes and yes and yeah,
exactly, and that that is sogood, because there's so many
times people are like they'llget past a vision in their head
I'm like I'm gonna drive to workor something like I could do
this, this and this.
Write it down.
Take your little phone out,record it, because this is the
best little tool.
I've got so many ideas and mylittle voice memo thing that
I've done and haven't done,still gonna need to do, and

(45:48):
that's you talk yourself out ofit.
You allow people to talkyourself out of it and think
about the people that you'resupposed to be helping and
blessing right, and when youmake it about others and you're
serving others and you takeyourself out of it for a minute,
that's when the true blessingreally happens.
So I know when I invest inmyself, like we had.
My kids lost a family member andit was from my ex marriage and
I was.
Obviously I hadn't talked to alot of them in a while, but I

(46:10):
watched this little girl grow up.
I watched her grow up was a washeartbreaking to see their
family go through that, see mychildren go through it.
My daughter was like she lost asister.
It was terrible and I rememberthe day of her funeral we were
leaving to go down to Atlantafor, I believe, is the aspire
conference that was happeningdown there and Travis has never
been one and I wanted him to seewhat I'm talking about when I

(46:31):
say you get filled.
Your bucket gets filled whenyou're in those environments.
And he said and you know we'regonna go down there I'm like I
need, I need to get filled.
I need to.
After what I, what I just hadto be for emotionally for my
kids, and after what I just saw,and After being reminded how
short life is, I need to getdown there and get my bucket
filled again.
So when you hear coaches or youhear conferences, or if you

(46:54):
can't afford it, you just go onYouTube.
That is an option.
But when you take that money,that $150 or whatever it is for
a conference ticket and youdon't and you know you could be
using that money for somethingelse because you really can't
afford it, and you take thatmoney for the first time and you
bet on yourself, that's whenthe game starts changing man.
You know, and you go there andyou meet people when you network
with people.

(47:14):
There's so many people that Ihave met through conferences,
through Through things, that wewent to a lot masterminds that
mean you met at.
That's how our friendshipstarted Just by going and bet on
yourself, you know, it neverfails.

Speaker 1 (47:27):
Of course, I feel the exact same way.
I started going to masterminds,just not doing it Idaho last
summer not to act.
The California I'm gonna.
I have many booked in this yearand right, the if those are
company and the way you took onmy cup with this all Vices and
it would be reading or booze orjust trying to find the external
validation.
Then, when you get aroundpeople who are all trying to do

(47:48):
their own thing and level up,it's really good and the
networking is the best.
Like I've met so many people,I've thousand numbers in here
and it's great.
You can text any one of them atany time to say, hey, I got
this, what do you think?
Or whatever it can be, butthat's how you feel, your cop, I
agree with you.
And again, if you, if you wantto do something, you don't have
to do it by yourself.
The lone wolf mentality.
I did that forever.

(48:09):
I was beating my head againsthis wall right here.
Yeah, once you get like anybody, that can help anything.
If it's something you justdon't want to do, that something
else is good at, good, I'llsource it.
But just get other people inyour life or have that support
your vision or at least Sure youwant if you don't have a
relationship and if you're in arelationship and that person not

(48:30):
sharing you on.

Speaker 2 (48:34):
You don't have a coming.
Jesus taught they need to get aboard.
Don't let him put you down.
When you're looking for a lifeship, make sure they're your
visions, but they understandwhere you're going on that bus
and they can't keep up andthat's a good sign not to do it.

Speaker 1 (48:45):
I think that's part of it.
You gotta be your own, or ifyou both have to have the the um
, your leaders for each otherand everything you gotta, you
gotta you know, support eachother.
The masculine shows up, the manwho's gotta be the man, he's got
to lead this relationship, andthe woman and her feminine
energy can fall into that energyand support that role as an
equal.
And you have your only.
You're gonna go on in a teamand if you have a family, you

(49:07):
have a little football team or alittle ballerina team.
And I say these little wordslike this because that's exactly
what I want.
I'm a single guy and everythingI just described right there is
that quote, what I'm gonna get.

Speaker 2 (49:16):
Yeah, absolutely, and that that's that's really
important.
If you don't have that baselinethere, you know, it's, it's just
gonna lead to more problems Inthe future.
You know if you're not on thesame page and you're gotta be
vocal where you're at too.
So definitely.
Okay.
I know we're running low ontime here, but I want people to
know how they can connect withyou, because I have a feeling
there's gonna be a guy or girlout there that are listening and

(49:38):
really in to you.
Know you talk about women andtheir masculine energy.
Man need to kind of fall intothe feminine energy, and Tom can
help you do that.
When we say family and we'returning into no, we'll see.

Speaker 1 (49:47):
But oh, just, you can , right, you can be.
If you're a man out there andyou're like you know your strong
leader in your workspace andyou're kind of like this You're
the lion in your in in your joband in, like your life and with
your friends and like how youquarterback stuff, you're like
this alpha, that's awesome.
But then when a woman comesinto your life, you have to be a
little softer.
I'm trying to kind of like thelamb, not a sheep.
So you hear this thing lionbirth, not a sheep, not a sheep,

(50:09):
but a lamb.
Where you can be compassionate,you can be soft and really the
biggest thing isn't anything.
Any relationship a man has witha woman.
All you have to do listen, shutthe fuck up because, if you
don't and you start, and I againI could say I could.
I came out of this too.
I used to be.
You know, on a date or whateverit would be, you hear something

(50:31):
and what you're talking to,each other woman would talk, say
something to you and youimmediately Resonate with it and
you have to put your word in.
That's like an anxious desireto be seen or heard, whatever.
And if you just don't inanything and just listen, that's
all.
So again yeah lion in your ownlife, lamb with your woman, and
that's the feminine energy, thecompassion of softer side.

(50:51):
You're not a what.
You were helping your woman andthat's the feminine energy
which is amazing.

Speaker 2 (50:56):
Oh yeah, I'm telling you guys it works.
It works because you guys, youguys, my fiance, he told a lady
on the beach like which it was,this a thing was a god they.
She came up and found us on thebeach really, and we were
talking and she was kind of inthis partner relationship when
she's like I've given him aplaybook and he's not listening,
he doesn't get it.
And I'm like, oh to Travis, andwe laugh because we kind of got
to that point in ourrelationship, about a year in
our relationship, and I'm like,okay, I've given you a playbook,

(51:18):
I've told you what I, what Ineed you know, in this
relationship, and what I, what Ineed you to do, and you're,
he's a, he was a great man.
He just wasn't providing hisfeminine energy to me and I was
like, you know, being masculineis fine, but I need you to be
sweet, sweeter.
You know I need you to writelittle notes.
So that's what my love.
Yeah, yes have that I questionthings and I and I wonder about

(51:38):
things and where you're at and,and I'm not one of those, I'm
like, oh, look at me and I don'tknow what are you thinking?
I'm not like that.
I mean, I'll say what I needand my knees, and we'll
communicate as a daughter.
If it's not getting met, I'llpull back, and that's just.
It could be toxic and I may beand, like I said, I'm still
learning and growing every day.
But the Megan, the Megan, the,you know that, the what do you
call it?
Not feminine, but the masculineMegan.

(52:00):
You was like pull back, protectyour heart.
He's not getting it, he doesn'tcare.
You told him oh, oh, oh, andwhen I think what, he saw me
pulling back a little bit, hekind of self-evaluated because
at none of the beach he told, hetold her about the guy she was
seeing that they've beentogether for a little bit too
and he said look, if you'retelling him and he's not getting
it, he may just not know it, hemay just not know how to do it

(52:21):
because he's never done itbefore, because he's never been
like that.
Travis has never been like thatand he's like.
It took me seeing her kind ofpull back.
She, she was, I was faithful, Iwas still good to him.
But I kind of pull back ontelling him and he said I'm
gonna have to do something, I'mgonna mess this up, I'm gonna
lose this woman.
And he really dove into hisfeminine energy.
No, no, if you look at myfiance guys on if you're you can

(52:44):
you know Google the everydayJoe show.
He has his own show.
You can see he's not a feminineperson whatsoever.
I mean, he's got the beard andthe tattoos and all the things
and and and.
So that's not like him.
But with me he is very much inhis feminine energy and I'm very
much going into mine again,finally finding that because,

(53:04):
like he's in California in thelast night he's called me.
He's like you know, hey, whatdo I need from us?
I'm as infection.
You know he feels safe with me,as he should, and to me that's
more masculine than anything isto feel safe with your woman and
you to feel safe with your man,your man, that you can have
those conversations or you canbe like hey, I'm kind of scared
today on this, or I need someadvice on this, because you know

(53:26):
that's between y'all and in andshe's not gonna make you feel
bad about being in your feminineenergy and you're in vice versa
, you know.
So that's really really help medive into it.
It's there, promise, promise.

Speaker 1 (53:39):
That's great.
Yeah, that's really good.

Speaker 2 (53:42):
So I know I kind of got sidetracked a little bit,
but I wanted to tell because youcan tell more of the single
side and I can kind of tellabout how you.
This is what happens if youapply what he's talking about
and do the work.
This is what happens and itdoes work because, I mean, we're
walking testament to it.
We're engaged now.
We've been together for twoyears.
Our relationship has beenbetter than it's ever been.
Are we perfect?

(54:02):
No, do we screw up daily?
Yeah, but we have a goodrelationship and it's there and
it can happen for anybody.
That's how they're listening,because I was listening, like I
was listening many years ago ora few years ago, and I was like
this is never gonna happen forme, ever.
But I did the work You're doing.

Speaker 1 (54:18):
Yeah, another thing is write stuff down.
I got a little journal righthere.
I write it all the time.
I got plenty of books over here.
I'm reading a right now andjust like write down what it
makes you feel better and that'slike doing the work on yourself
.
That's part of it and Just,yeah, continue to do the work on
yourself.
And if your guy Another part isbe courageous in your
vulnerability.
You can be vulnerable.

(54:38):
I'm not saying again, we're nottalking about being a whiny
little girl, no, but you can bevulnerable and Talk about it.
And when you can stand solid inthat vulnerability, that's
awesome because you, you're just, you're free of it.
It's got the world of your,though the weight of the world
comes off your shoulders whenyou can start talking about
stuff.
Absolutely if you're hold, ifyou're, if you're holding that
down and it's like a, it's likea rice cooker or like a, like a
one of those steam cookers,you're gonna blow your stack.

(55:01):
If you got all this stuff, youhave to get it out, and that's
what I was talking aboutemotionally constipated versus
Emotionally available.
So I like that.
There's all sorts of stuff,yeah.

Speaker 2 (55:12):
That's good, okay, okay.
Well, I know we've got thingsand you got other things you got
to get to today too, so let'sget to people how they can get
in touch with you.
So.

Speaker 1 (55:20):
I'm on all the social media apps.
I'm it's just the Tom Lamirproject and on Facebook, on
Instagram, tick tock, I have aYouTube Tom Lamir project.
That's where I have my ownpodcast.
This would be.
I'm gonna put this up there andI do.
I do many things.
I'll go out into the time.
If you have questions, send meyour questions.
I want from men what do youwant to better, better questions

(55:41):
that you wish women Would giveanswers on.
And I go on the time IInterview.
I just go to social settingslike, hey, we're talking about,
what are your green flags, whatare your red flags, what do you
want a man to know about?
And they'll give answers.
So it's out there and I give anoutlet for answers for, I think
, how you can live your best,happiest life, and Women are

(56:03):
trying to get out of this worldin the dating space and really
out of a man in in in society.

Speaker 2 (56:08):
That's awesome, and stay tuned if you're in
Nashville, we've got somethingin the works.

Speaker 1 (56:13):
That's right.

Speaker 2 (56:14):
Stay tuned.

Speaker 1 (56:15):
I can't wait.

Speaker 2 (56:16):
Yeah, I can't wait.
There's, he's coming to a citynear you on tour.
There you go.
Well, thank you guys forlistening again.
If you are needing to connectwith this podcast, you can find
us on YouTube under unstoppable.
We're on Facebook underunstoppable as well, and we are
also on Apple, spotify, all themainstream and platforms under
unstoppable Podcast series, andwe'll have more content like

(56:37):
this coming out soon, and thankyou again for coming on today
and sharing this was veryvaluable.

Speaker 1 (56:43):
I'd be here.
I appreciate it awesome.

Speaker 2 (56:46):
Stay tuned, guys, for the next one.
Have a good one, you.