March 6, 2024 • 19 mins
Welcome to another illuminating episode of "The Upgrade" with Dexter and Dr. Tanya, where we tackle personal development issues often overlooked in the seductive rush to upgrade material possessions. In this episode, we delve deep into the universal yet challenging issue of "people-pleasing", a puzzle that approximately 49% of adults grapple with, according to a recent 2022 YouGov poll. Our goal? To light up the warning signs of people-pleasing and its potential implications, equipping you to break free from its self-imposed limitations.
Our spirited discussion revolves around our free e-book "10 Signs You Are a People-Pleaser". We explore signifiers of this draining behaviour pattern, such as the difficulty in saying "no", a prime culprit leading to burnout. The journey to transformation begins with understanding, and by comprehending why you resort to people-pleasing, we aim to guide you in dismantling these barriers to personal growth and advancement.
Let us demystify people-pleasing for you - a pervasive issue that surreptitiously hampers personal and professional growth. Join us as we delineate the hazards of people-pleasing, laying emphasis on the pressing need to establish healthy boundaries. Drawing from our personal experiences, we stress that people-pleasing isn't an alien concept; rather, overindulgence in making others happy at the stake of one's wellbeing has damaging outcomes.
Marking the cornerstone of our conversation, we as "recovering" people-pleasers, lay bare strategies to identify and tackle people-pleasing tendencies. Learn how personal development, self-awareness and a healthy dose of mindfulness can aid in combating this behaviour. Discover the importance of focusing on your needs and standing strong with a firm 'no' when required.
In highlighting certain behaviours such as needless apologies, we help you understand how this undermines your self-worth and credibility. Awareness and a proper understanding of these patterns hold the key to improving personal, professional, and social interactions. In a nutshell, this episode aims to guide you on your self-improvement journey, promoting healthy boundaries, enhancing self-worth, and helping you break free from the chains of people-pleasing.
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(The academy is designed to take your life to the next level! We will help you grow in ways your never thought possible. Start that business, create that youtube channel, start today).
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The Upgraders. Welcome to Upgrade Your Life. We're Dexter and Dr.
Tanya. You know, most people upgrade their cars, their clothes,
their cell phones, and even their homes. But what about themselves?
This is the place to help you get out of your own way.
Now let's get started.
Does your school, church, government agency, corporation, or organization need
(00:25):
leadership, leadership, communication, and team building training,
then contact The Upgraders.
We specialize in soft skills training, including emotional intelligence,
influencing styles, and mindset development.
We will help you create the environment that your organization needs.
Email us at info at theupgraders.com. Again, that's info at theupgraders.com.
(00:50):
Hey, hey, what's up guys? Dexter and Dr. Tonya here. Welcome to The Upgrade. Welcome.
Yeah, we're glad to be in front of you guys. Glad that you're here.
So we actually changed the name. The name of our podcast has changed from Upgrade
Your Life to The Upgrade.
We just need to update it on all of our platforms.
But the name of the show is The Upgrade with Dexter and Dr. Tanya.
(01:13):
So for all of our watchers and listeners, thank you guys for coming back.
For all of the new watchers and listeners, thanks for being here.
Now, you might be watching us either on YouTube or listening to us on our audio
podcast, but we're glad that you're here. Absolutely. Absolutely.
And I'm really excited about tonight, Dexter. I'm looking forward to this conversation
because this is something that I've grown up with, actually.
(01:37):
And it's such a passion for me.
So many things are, but my thing is deliverance, wanting to see people healed,
wanting to see people healed, but also just knowing who it is that you are and
loving that person, you know?
So this topic right here that we're going to talk about, we're going to deal
(01:57):
with it a little bit, right?
Tonight, we're going to talk a little bit more as the weeks go on.
I'm grateful for that. So I'm excited.
Thank you guys for being here. Yeah, it's really cool. Now, look,
we're going to pull this content from a free e-book that we've been offering
and we'll make sure that you guys get it.
It's going to either be in the comment section or it might be even in the show
notes. You can go grab that.
But it is the 10 signs that you are a people pleaser. 10.
(02:22):
Ten signs. And you know, what's so interesting about this is this is something
that Tanya and I have been talking about for years.
And as a matter of fact, statistically, I actually have it on my phone.
Listen to this, guys. This is going to blow you away. This is good. Yeah. So.
This is good. All right. Here we go. No, I actually sent it to you, Tanya. Okay. Look.
(02:43):
If you feel like you are a people pleaser, you're not alone.
In a YouGov poll from 2022, 49% of adults surveyed as people pleasers.
That's big. That's huge. So 49% of you that will be watching us,
you are people pleasers, whether you know it or not, you are.
(03:04):
Or you see yourself as such. Yeah, or you see yourself as one.
Then it says women are 52% more likely to be people pleasers than men.
However, men are people pleasers. I'm here to tell you now, I am a people pleaser to a certain extent.
I think we all are. But we're going to talk about the 10 signs that you are
one. And the implications.
(03:24):
The implications of being so.
The implications of being a people pleaser, what it could mean.
So we have 10 that we have in the free e-book for you, the free guide.
But we're going to talk about maybe four, no more than five tonight.
Yeah. And then you can still get that e-book yourself.
Read it, you know, get to understand a little bit better because the implications
(03:48):
that we bring on, those are the things that we really want to deal with.
We talk a lot with blockages.
You guys know who we are. We say we want to help you get out of your own way,
get out of your future's way.
Being a people pleaser has been a major stumbling block for me.
It's one of the things that I've dealt with personally that's caused me to be in my own way.
(04:09):
That's caused me to put a lot of self-imposed limitations on myself, you know.
So we're going to deal with this. I'm excited. All right. So look now,
listen, guys, this is one of those episodes you want to share.
I mean, really, you want to share it. You want people to really hear this because
as my wife mentioned, it can be a major stumbling block for many people and
(04:31):
they just kind of don't understand why.
So we're going to shed some light on that. That's really big right there.
You don't know why. You don't. You're just living.
You're just living. You're just doing. You're just being you.
You know, you want to love. You want to help.
You want to, you know, sow into and not realizing that a lot of times the decisions
that you're making, the things that you're doing, again, is causing you to not
(04:53):
advance in the direction of your dreams.
Advance in the direction of your purpose because
you're putting people people in
front of you opposed to keeping you
planted rooted and grounded in the things that the lord will have you to do
so this is why we like this this is why we want to talk about this and really
(05:14):
just deal with it let's understand it better when you understand better you
do better yeah that's good that and it's very true all right let's hop into
this thing number one difficulty saying no.
I mean, that's a big one. I mean, I identify that with it myself.
I mean, it's okay to want to help people.
(05:34):
It's okay to be there for people.
But to what extent and to what end before you start literally alienating the people in your life,
those that are around you that depend on you and those loved ones that are closest
to you, you have a tendency to tell.
You don't want to tell people no at the job. You don't want to tell people no at church.
(05:57):
You don't want to tell people no at the soccer event.
You don't want to tell people no in all areas of your life.
But then it causes problems with those that, because the ones that love you
are really like, what's up with me?
I mean, just think about it for a minute. Yeah. You're like, what's up with me?
Why am I continuing to be put on the back burner for your co-worker or for your
(06:20):
pastor or your church? Now you didn't say that.
And not that anything is wrong with that, but it's the people in our lives,
that that love us that want more time with us but they don't get the time that they need because,
you don't know how to tell somebody no yeah it's true because typically the
(06:44):
people that we will say no to those that we love and are close to faster yeah
that's very true you know oftentimes and you would do those people that you
just described so we talk about also where you're You're overextending yourself.
So to not be in a position where you can actually say no, you will find yourself
(07:04):
having so many tasks before you that you're now overwhelmed.
A lot of times I will find myself where I'm working into the wee hours of the
morning because I'm trying to get everything done for everybody.
And it is painful. And it's exhausting. It is exhausting. It really is.
(07:27):
And why why why don't we want to tell them, no, we don't want to disappoint.
Right. You know, you don't want to make people feel like, you know,
you're not there for them.
You know, there's a desire again, people please and people pleasing is like
as a people pleaser. Our desire oftentimes has been, I just want to be accepted.
You know, I want someone to see me for who I am as a good person.
(07:51):
I want people to, you know, understand that I will be here for them.
And that's a thing a lot of times, Dexter, people just don't want to shake up.
They don't want to rock that boat.
You know what I mean? They want to make sure that everybody else is OK.
And the perception that people have of them is good.
(08:15):
And it's something because the definition of what's good, you are good. It is good.
All is good. And they probably not even thinking in this way.
But we'll put that on ourselves a lot of times and not.
Set those necessary boundaries, if you will. There's a question I got from something that you said.
You said that you want people to know that you are a good person or people pleasers.
(08:39):
You want people to know that you're a good person.
So that's making the assumption that if you don't, if you tell them no,
then they're going to think you're a bad person. Exactly. And that's the point I'm making.
So y'all really catch that. Really catch that. When you said it,
it hopped out to me and it actually made me think about our our children,
but your children, you might be raising children and they might be elementary school age.
(09:05):
You might see the traits in them and you've got to learn how to direct that
middle school, high school.
If your child is always just trying to please people, then you're looking around
and they are hurt, especially if they're a female and they are hurting.
And you don't really know why.
We got to get to the root of this stuff. Yeah, because there's no to assume
(09:28):
that if I tell someone, no, they're going to think I'm a bad person.
That's a heavy load to carry.
True. Very true. It's very, it's very heavy. So the implications of number one
is the difficulty saying no is that you'll get burnt out.
That's the implication of being a people pleaser. Number one,
not telling people no is you'll go through burnout.
(09:49):
And I think that, you know, you talk about being a recovering people pleaser
or having some of those traits is that I've seen the burnout and the burnout
comes from I don't want to do anything with the family.
I'm tired when it comes down time to go out and hang out, take the kids somewhere or something.
(10:09):
And this is not now, but when you when they were younger, it's like there's
a burnout there. All you want to do is sleep. Absolutely.
Or watch TV or something or just something to calm your nerves.
So we're talking, y'all, this is a very serious conversation because we want
to get to the root of it, but we want people free.
Right. And the thing is, you said it earlier, too.
I mean, pretty much everybody is to a certain extent. It's just where you go
(10:34):
into it in an unhealthy way. Right.
You know, as my husband, I want to please you as you know, your wife,
you want to please me, our children. We want to please.
I mean, you we want to see other people happy.
It's just a part of who we are as people. But when we overextend ourselves,
when we're operating in this in an unhealthy way, then that's when it becomes a problem.
(10:54):
And, you know, we're going through certifications now just to help people with
this, to talk about it, teaching it, training, coaching people and so forth
in an effort to help them come out of it, you know, being a people pleaser.
So I share that basically to make the point of.
This isn't something like you say, I'm a recovering people pleaser.
But even as you heard me talking about it, I talk about it in the now.
(11:16):
This is something that I can relate to. This is something that I'm very familiar with.
This is something that I have lived. So what do I want to do?
I want to talk about it. What do I want to do? I want to bring it to the forefront.
And I want people to realize, hearing from me, I want them to realize that I
don't care that you're having to contend with this.
If you look at my life, the things that I've accomplished, I've accomplished
(11:38):
it while I've been going through my process.
So that's how I am now a recovering people pleaser.
But I can also tell when it's coming up. I can tell within myself when I'm actually,
how do you say it, when I'm actually giving someone, when I'm not saying no,
when I find myself being overwhelmed.
When I see that I have not established necessary boundaries, I'm more mindful of it.
(12:02):
I went through a period in my life where I wasn't mindful.
I was simply being that person. Now I have an awareness.
And this is where personal development comes into play. It does.
It's big. I have an awareness now that I'm able to talk about it,
that I'm able to hear, that I'm able to talk to you, that I'm able to ask questions,
that you're able to call things out for me.
(12:22):
And that's what's necessary. This is important.
You know, it's important and it's necessary, but it's not something I hide from
because I know how I've been throughout my life.
And I know what it takes for me to actually continue to progress and do the
things that I'm called to do. And you know, before we move on,
that's good, Tanya, before we move on to the next one, I actually,
and see, this is what I'm talking about.
(12:44):
People pleasing. We all have a touch of it, but healthy or unhealthy.
So I was asked to be on a Zoom today while we were on another Zoom.
And I was going to get off that Zoom to get on another Zoom.
So now, now think about this for a moment, because we all deal with this to
a certain extent. So the answer could have been no. Yeah.
(13:07):
I can't. I'm on a Zoom. I mean, now think about it. I'm on a Zoom,
but I'm going to get off of this Zoom to get on another Zoom so that I won't
have to tell the other person I can't do it. Right.
See, that's what I'm talking about, that burnout. Now, imagine if I did that often.
So did you get off? I didn't get off. You didn't. I didn't. Okay.
I went on and decided to stay up here. Because I didn't know anything about
this at all. But yeah, it just makes sense if you think about it.
(13:30):
Think about the things that you're already in the middle of doing something,
and you You will stop what you're doing to go help somebody else.
Now, we'll look at that and say, oh, that's so commendable.
But what happens when you do that to 20 different people?
I was going to say, and it can be, but it's just right. You're burnt out.
Yeah, you wouldn't know.
(13:50):
I hope y'all are taking notes, whatever. But make sure you lock this in because
this is good. So let's go to number two, Tanya.
Okay. Number two, constantly apologizing.
Oh, my goodness. That's that's that's another big one. And and I'm talking about
people I've been around in my working environment and working world is always
(14:10):
a consistent apologizing as if you did something wrong.
You didn't do anything wrong. You know, it's just you feel the need to apologize.
Hey, are you are you connected with this? Right. Right. Think about it. It's true.
It's true. And go ahead. No, I'm just saying. So something that you really don't
(14:31):
have anything to do with to a certain extent. If if there's 10.
OK, like prime example, if we're hosting something here at the house. OK.
All right. Which we've done a lot of that here. Yes. And we somebody else is
supposed to bring the ice, but they forget to bring the ice.
(14:52):
So everybody's here. It's time to start fellowship and eating,
socializing, get ready for the meeting, whatever we're doing.
And there's no ice. And there's no ice.
And you would apologize to the people here because I'm sorry,
you guys, there's no we forgot to get the ice.
Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. OK, it's not necessarily a bad thing,
(15:13):
but I'm like, that's not we clearly asked somebody else to bring the ice. I know, but I'm the host.
And they did not bring the ice. But I'm the host. I'm the host.
I get it. And that's where I think it's healthy.
That's a healthy, but that's an example. You know, I know you and I have been married 22 years.
I've seen you apologize a great deal in instances that I think you shouldn't. I hear you.
(15:39):
And I'm like, I don't know why she's doing that. You don't have to do that.
You know, you don't have to do that. You don't have to apologize.
You don't have to do it. It kind of comes without thought, though, I can say, too.
I mean, just without thought, it's like, oh, I'm so sorry, you know,
or something else. But you're right. I will admit this is something else I've dealt with.
(16:01):
So as we're going, we're just going to talk about a few. But if you're connecting
with more than one, the likelihood that you are a people pleaser is so.
OK, and this is another one for me constantly apologizing for whatever,
you know, and a big part of this is it speaks to about how you think about yourself,
you know, diminishing your own self-worth is typically what would happen,
(16:23):
what takes place. And that's what I would do often.
I would I've been the type of person to constantly find something wrong with
me, you know, or if something's going on, I'm looking to see what did I do or
could have done to cause this to take place?
You know, that's something that I've grown up with.
And here the thing is, these are things.
(16:46):
That I've grown up with throughout my life. And it wasn't until I got into my
40s that I became more aware of them. And again, it came from personal development.
It came from, you know, coming to a place of learning and and coming to understand who I am better and,
you know, learning more so about the mind and thoughts and thinking and being
(17:08):
positive and so forth versus being negative.
Negative those types of things because a lot of people don't know
that they're being negative they're just being who they are they
just being what they know they're being cautious they're
being protective you know they're making sure everything
is okay with them whatever I mean I can keep going and to honestly be in a conversation
(17:29):
with people is what helps me to know and understand even better but it took
that it took Tanya Joyner Scott finally coming up to a place where she was was
learning more about who she was that helped me to identify.
Oh, my God, I do that.
And I'll say this, to have a fixed mind, a fixed mindset, you know.
So once I became more aware, that's when I was able to do something about it. So I hope you are, too.
(17:55):
Yeah, that's good. But, you know, to elaborate, so we talked about the implications
of that is your self-worth. My self-worth.
But also your credibility in the eyes of others.
Now, that's huge, y'all,
because it's something that we don't really, really realize what's going on
(18:17):
with that behavior until we hear things like this. So think about this.
The fact that you consistently apologize to people, you are diminishing your
credibility in the eyes of others.
So think about on the job. You're always apologizing. That's that's a whole
(18:37):
nother flip to the coin to consider.
Yeah. What is your boss? The boss really good that you the people that you work
for and you want to get that promotion one day, you're really good at what you do.
How are they seeing you continuing to apologize to the staff or whatever for
something that's not your responsibility?
It's big. You know, we already almost like 20 minutes in and we only touched on two.
(19:02):
But that's that's that's just how powerful this is and you know what it's not
talked about enough right and the identification of it as I mentioned with children right.
Music.
The Upgraders. Welcome to Upgrade Your Life. We're Dexter and Dr.
Tanya. You know, most people upgrade their cars, their clothes,
their cell phones, and even their homes. But what about themselves?
This is the place to help you get out of your own way.
Now let's get started.
Does your school, church, government agency, corporation, or organization need
(00:25):
leadership, leadership, communication, and team building training,
then contact The Upgraders.
We specialize in soft skills training, including emotional intelligence,
influencing styles, and mindset development.
We will help you create the environment that your organization needs.
Email us at info at theupgraders.com. Again, that's info at theupgraders.com.
(00:50):
Hey, hey, what's up guys? Dexter and Dr. Tonya here. Welcome to The Upgrade. Welcome.
Yeah, we're glad to be in front of you guys. Glad that you're here.
So we actually changed the name. The name of our podcast has changed from Upgrade
Your Life to The Upgrade.
We just need to update it on all of our platforms.
But the name of the show is The Upgrade with Dexter and Dr. Tanya.
(01:13):
So for all of our watchers and listeners, thank you guys for coming back.
For all of the new watchers and listeners, thanks for being here.
Now, you might be watching us either on YouTube or listening to us on our audio
podcast, but we're glad that you're here. Absolutely. Absolutely.
And I'm really excited about tonight, Dexter. I'm looking forward to this conversation
because this is something that I've grown up with, actually.
(01:37):
And it's such a passion for me.
So many things are, but my thing is deliverance, wanting to see people healed,
wanting to see people healed, but also just knowing who it is that you are and
loving that person, you know?
So this topic right here that we're going to talk about, we're going to deal
(01:57):
with it a little bit, right?
Tonight, we're going to talk a little bit more as the weeks go on.
I'm grateful for that. So I'm excited.
Thank you guys for being here. Yeah, it's really cool. Now, look,
we're going to pull this content from a free e-book that we've been offering
and we'll make sure that you guys get it.
It's going to either be in the comment section or it might be even in the show
notes. You can go grab that.
But it is the 10 signs that you are a people pleaser. 10.
(02:22):
Ten signs. And you know, what's so interesting about this is this is something
that Tanya and I have been talking about for years.
And as a matter of fact, statistically, I actually have it on my phone.
Listen to this, guys. This is going to blow you away. This is good. Yeah. So.
This is good. All right. Here we go. No, I actually sent it to you, Tanya. Okay. Look.
(02:43):
If you feel like you are a people pleaser, you're not alone.
In a YouGov poll from 2022, 49% of adults surveyed as people pleasers.
That's big. That's huge. So 49% of you that will be watching us,
you are people pleasers, whether you know it or not, you are.
(03:04):
Or you see yourself as such. Yeah, or you see yourself as one.
Then it says women are 52% more likely to be people pleasers than men.
However, men are people pleasers. I'm here to tell you now, I am a people pleaser to a certain extent.
I think we all are. But we're going to talk about the 10 signs that you are
one. And the implications.
(03:24):
The implications of being so.
The implications of being a people pleaser, what it could mean.
So we have 10 that we have in the free e-book for you, the free guide.
But we're going to talk about maybe four, no more than five tonight.
Yeah. And then you can still get that e-book yourself.
Read it, you know, get to understand a little bit better because the implications
(03:48):
that we bring on, those are the things that we really want to deal with.
We talk a lot with blockages.
You guys know who we are. We say we want to help you get out of your own way,
get out of your future's way.
Being a people pleaser has been a major stumbling block for me.
It's one of the things that I've dealt with personally that's caused me to be in my own way.
(04:09):
That's caused me to put a lot of self-imposed limitations on myself, you know.
So we're going to deal with this. I'm excited. All right. So look now,
listen, guys, this is one of those episodes you want to share.
I mean, really, you want to share it. You want people to really hear this because
as my wife mentioned, it can be a major stumbling block for many people and
(04:31):
they just kind of don't understand why.
So we're going to shed some light on that. That's really big right there.
You don't know why. You don't. You're just living.
You're just living. You're just doing. You're just being you.
You know, you want to love. You want to help.
You want to, you know, sow into and not realizing that a lot of times the decisions
that you're making, the things that you're doing, again, is causing you to not
(04:53):
advance in the direction of your dreams.
Advance in the direction of your purpose because
you're putting people people in
front of you opposed to keeping you
planted rooted and grounded in the things that the lord will have you to do
so this is why we like this this is why we want to talk about this and really
(05:14):
just deal with it let's understand it better when you understand better you
do better yeah that's good that and it's very true all right let's hop into
this thing number one difficulty saying no.
I mean, that's a big one. I mean, I identify that with it myself.
I mean, it's okay to want to help people.
(05:34):
It's okay to be there for people.
But to what extent and to what end before you start literally alienating the people in your life,
those that are around you that depend on you and those loved ones that are closest
to you, you have a tendency to tell.
You don't want to tell people no at the job. You don't want to tell people no at church.
(05:57):
You don't want to tell people no at the soccer event.
You don't want to tell people no in all areas of your life.
But then it causes problems with those that, because the ones that love you
are really like, what's up with me?
I mean, just think about it for a minute. Yeah. You're like, what's up with me?
Why am I continuing to be put on the back burner for your co-worker or for your
(06:20):
pastor or your church? Now you didn't say that.
And not that anything is wrong with that, but it's the people in our lives,
that that love us that want more time with us but they don't get the time that they need because,
you don't know how to tell somebody no yeah it's true because typically the
(06:44):
people that we will say no to those that we love and are close to faster yeah
that's very true you know oftentimes and you would do those people that you
just described so we talk about also where you're You're overextending yourself.
So to not be in a position where you can actually say no, you will find yourself
(07:04):
having so many tasks before you that you're now overwhelmed.
A lot of times I will find myself where I'm working into the wee hours of the
morning because I'm trying to get everything done for everybody.
And it is painful. And it's exhausting. It is exhausting. It really is.
(07:27):
And why why why don't we want to tell them, no, we don't want to disappoint.
Right. You know, you don't want to make people feel like, you know,
you're not there for them.
You know, there's a desire again, people please and people pleasing is like
as a people pleaser. Our desire oftentimes has been, I just want to be accepted.
You know, I want someone to see me for who I am as a good person.
(07:51):
I want people to, you know, understand that I will be here for them.
And that's a thing a lot of times, Dexter, people just don't want to shake up.
They don't want to rock that boat.
You know what I mean? They want to make sure that everybody else is OK.
And the perception that people have of them is good.
(08:15):
And it's something because the definition of what's good, you are good. It is good.
All is good. And they probably not even thinking in this way.
But we'll put that on ourselves a lot of times and not.
Set those necessary boundaries, if you will. There's a question I got from something that you said.
You said that you want people to know that you are a good person or people pleasers.
(08:39):
You want people to know that you're a good person.
So that's making the assumption that if you don't, if you tell them no,
then they're going to think you're a bad person. Exactly. And that's the point I'm making.
So y'all really catch that. Really catch that. When you said it,
it hopped out to me and it actually made me think about our our children,
but your children, you might be raising children and they might be elementary school age.
(09:05):
You might see the traits in them and you've got to learn how to direct that
middle school, high school.
If your child is always just trying to please people, then you're looking around
and they are hurt, especially if they're a female and they are hurting.
And you don't really know why.
We got to get to the root of this stuff. Yeah, because there's no to assume
(09:28):
that if I tell someone, no, they're going to think I'm a bad person.
That's a heavy load to carry.
True. Very true. It's very, it's very heavy. So the implications of number one
is the difficulty saying no is that you'll get burnt out.
That's the implication of being a people pleaser. Number one,
not telling people no is you'll go through burnout.
(09:49):
And I think that, you know, you talk about being a recovering people pleaser
or having some of those traits is that I've seen the burnout and the burnout
comes from I don't want to do anything with the family.
I'm tired when it comes down time to go out and hang out, take the kids somewhere or something.
(10:09):
And this is not now, but when you when they were younger, it's like there's
a burnout there. All you want to do is sleep. Absolutely.
Or watch TV or something or just something to calm your nerves.
So we're talking, y'all, this is a very serious conversation because we want
to get to the root of it, but we want people free.
Right. And the thing is, you said it earlier, too.
I mean, pretty much everybody is to a certain extent. It's just where you go
(10:34):
into it in an unhealthy way. Right.
You know, as my husband, I want to please you as you know, your wife,
you want to please me, our children. We want to please.
I mean, you we want to see other people happy.
It's just a part of who we are as people. But when we overextend ourselves,
when we're operating in this in an unhealthy way, then that's when it becomes a problem.
(10:54):
And, you know, we're going through certifications now just to help people with
this, to talk about it, teaching it, training, coaching people and so forth
in an effort to help them come out of it, you know, being a people pleaser.
So I share that basically to make the point of.
This isn't something like you say, I'm a recovering people pleaser.
But even as you heard me talking about it, I talk about it in the now.
(11:16):
This is something that I can relate to. This is something that I'm very familiar with.
This is something that I have lived. So what do I want to do?
I want to talk about it. What do I want to do? I want to bring it to the forefront.
And I want people to realize, hearing from me, I want them to realize that I
don't care that you're having to contend with this.
If you look at my life, the things that I've accomplished, I've accomplished
(11:38):
it while I've been going through my process.
So that's how I am now a recovering people pleaser.
But I can also tell when it's coming up. I can tell within myself when I'm actually,
how do you say it, when I'm actually giving someone, when I'm not saying no,
when I find myself being overwhelmed.
When I see that I have not established necessary boundaries, I'm more mindful of it.
(12:02):
I went through a period in my life where I wasn't mindful.
I was simply being that person. Now I have an awareness.
And this is where personal development comes into play. It does.
It's big. I have an awareness now that I'm able to talk about it,
that I'm able to hear, that I'm able to talk to you, that I'm able to ask questions,
that you're able to call things out for me.
(12:22):
And that's what's necessary. This is important.
You know, it's important and it's necessary, but it's not something I hide from
because I know how I've been throughout my life.
And I know what it takes for me to actually continue to progress and do the
things that I'm called to do. And you know, before we move on,
that's good, Tanya, before we move on to the next one, I actually,
and see, this is what I'm talking about.
(12:44):
People pleasing. We all have a touch of it, but healthy or unhealthy.
So I was asked to be on a Zoom today while we were on another Zoom.
And I was going to get off that Zoom to get on another Zoom.
So now, now think about this for a moment, because we all deal with this to
a certain extent. So the answer could have been no. Yeah.
(13:07):
I can't. I'm on a Zoom. I mean, now think about it. I'm on a Zoom,
but I'm going to get off of this Zoom to get on another Zoom so that I won't
have to tell the other person I can't do it. Right.
See, that's what I'm talking about, that burnout. Now, imagine if I did that often.
So did you get off? I didn't get off. You didn't. I didn't. Okay.
I went on and decided to stay up here. Because I didn't know anything about
this at all. But yeah, it just makes sense if you think about it.
(13:30):
Think about the things that you're already in the middle of doing something,
and you You will stop what you're doing to go help somebody else.
Now, we'll look at that and say, oh, that's so commendable.
But what happens when you do that to 20 different people?
I was going to say, and it can be, but it's just right. You're burnt out.
Yeah, you wouldn't know.
(13:50):
I hope y'all are taking notes, whatever. But make sure you lock this in because
this is good. So let's go to number two, Tanya.
Okay. Number two, constantly apologizing.
Oh, my goodness. That's that's that's another big one. And and I'm talking about
people I've been around in my working environment and working world is always
(14:10):
a consistent apologizing as if you did something wrong.
You didn't do anything wrong. You know, it's just you feel the need to apologize.
Hey, are you are you connected with this? Right. Right. Think about it. It's true.
It's true. And go ahead. No, I'm just saying. So something that you really don't
(14:31):
have anything to do with to a certain extent. If if there's 10.
OK, like prime example, if we're hosting something here at the house. OK.
All right. Which we've done a lot of that here. Yes. And we somebody else is
supposed to bring the ice, but they forget to bring the ice.
(14:52):
So everybody's here. It's time to start fellowship and eating,
socializing, get ready for the meeting, whatever we're doing.
And there's no ice. And there's no ice.
And you would apologize to the people here because I'm sorry,
you guys, there's no we forgot to get the ice.
Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. OK, it's not necessarily a bad thing,
(15:13):
but I'm like, that's not we clearly asked somebody else to bring the ice. I know, but I'm the host.
And they did not bring the ice. But I'm the host. I'm the host.
I get it. And that's where I think it's healthy.
That's a healthy, but that's an example. You know, I know you and I have been married 22 years.
I've seen you apologize a great deal in instances that I think you shouldn't. I hear you.
(15:39):
And I'm like, I don't know why she's doing that. You don't have to do that.
You know, you don't have to do that. You don't have to apologize.
You don't have to do it. It kind of comes without thought, though, I can say, too.
I mean, just without thought, it's like, oh, I'm so sorry, you know,
or something else. But you're right. I will admit this is something else I've dealt with.
(16:01):
So as we're going, we're just going to talk about a few. But if you're connecting
with more than one, the likelihood that you are a people pleaser is so.
OK, and this is another one for me constantly apologizing for whatever,
you know, and a big part of this is it speaks to about how you think about yourself,
you know, diminishing your own self-worth is typically what would happen,
(16:23):
what takes place. And that's what I would do often.
I would I've been the type of person to constantly find something wrong with
me, you know, or if something's going on, I'm looking to see what did I do or
could have done to cause this to take place?
You know, that's something that I've grown up with.
And here the thing is, these are things.
(16:46):
That I've grown up with throughout my life. And it wasn't until I got into my
40s that I became more aware of them. And again, it came from personal development.
It came from, you know, coming to a place of learning and and coming to understand who I am better and,
you know, learning more so about the mind and thoughts and thinking and being
(17:08):
positive and so forth versus being negative.
Negative those types of things because a lot of people don't know
that they're being negative they're just being who they are they
just being what they know they're being cautious they're
being protective you know they're making sure everything
is okay with them whatever I mean I can keep going and to honestly be in a conversation
(17:29):
with people is what helps me to know and understand even better but it took
that it took Tanya Joyner Scott finally coming up to a place where she was was
learning more about who she was that helped me to identify.
Oh, my God, I do that.
And I'll say this, to have a fixed mind, a fixed mindset, you know.
So once I became more aware, that's when I was able to do something about it. So I hope you are, too.
(17:55):
Yeah, that's good. But, you know, to elaborate, so we talked about the implications
of that is your self-worth. My self-worth.
But also your credibility in the eyes of others.
Now, that's huge, y'all,
because it's something that we don't really, really realize what's going on
(18:17):
with that behavior until we hear things like this. So think about this.
The fact that you consistently apologize to people, you are diminishing your
credibility in the eyes of others.
So think about on the job. You're always apologizing. That's that's a whole
(18:37):
nother flip to the coin to consider.
Yeah. What is your boss? The boss really good that you the people that you work
for and you want to get that promotion one day, you're really good at what you do.
How are they seeing you continuing to apologize to the staff or whatever for
something that's not your responsibility?
It's big. You know, we already almost like 20 minutes in and we only touched on two.
(19:02):
But that's that's that's just how powerful this is and you know what it's not
talked about enough right and the identification of it as I mentioned with children right.
Music.
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