Building a Balanced Partnership: Sharon Costanzo on Shared Values and Resilience in Marriage

Ever wondered how to maintain a strong, balanced marriage amidst life's chaos? Sharon Costanzo from Respected and Connected joins us to share her compelling journey from an achievement-oriented upbringing to creating a partnership that thrives on mutual respect and egalitarian values. Sharon opens up about the unique challenges she faced in finding a partner who wasn't intimidated by her career in engineering, and how she and her husband navigated the complexities of household responsibilities, especially after becoming parents. Her insights on giving constructive feedback without causing defensiveness are truly eye-opening.

This episode dives into the essence of intentionality in relationships, urging couples to move beyond autopilot behavior that often leads to disconnection. We explore how independent, strong-minded women can effectively share tasks and negotiate within their marriages. Sharon emphasizes the power of assuming good intentions and practicing charitable interpretation. By appreciating the small gestures of care and commitment from your partner, you can build a more supportive and understanding relationship, even during conflicts.

Tune in for heartfelt advice and practical strategies that can transform your marriage through effective communication and mutual support.

Sharon Mentions:
Mindsight by Daniel J. Siegel M.D.

Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by Terrence Real
 
Find Sharon at Respected and Connected

Find Doug and Leslie at The Vision-Driven Marriage on IG and
Doug & Leslie Davis on FB

INTRO/OUTRO MUSIC CREDITS
Theme music: Dead Winter
ASLC-1BEF9A9E-9E9D609662
Artists: White Bones
Composers: White Bones
Audio source: Epidemic Sound

Find out more about Doug and Leslie:

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• Current episodes of The Vision Driven Marriage

wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.

(00:28):
Welcome to the Vision DrivenMarriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
We're really excited about theguests that we have with us
today.

Speaker 2 (00:37):
Today we have Sharon Costanzo from Respected and
Connected, and she's here toshare with us a little bit about
how she has built a strongmarriage with her and her
husband.
Welcome Sharon.
We're here to share with us alittle bit about how she has
built a strong marriage with herand her husband.

Speaker 1 (00:46):
Welcome, Sharon.
We're glad you're with us today.

Speaker 3 (00:49):
Thank you, I'm so happy to be here.

Speaker 1 (00:52):
There's a lot of things that you share with the
couples that you get theprivilege to coach and things
that you share on your podcastthat I know our listeners would
really, really benefit from, andso, as you begin the process of
telling a little bit of yourbackground, one of the things
that I'm really interested in isyour advice that you have on

(01:13):
the best way that you think aspouse can give feedback without
prompting defensiveness and Iknow that that comes a little
bit out of your story, so couldyou share your story and then
how we can give feedback to ourspouse without making them feel
defensive?

Speaker 3 (01:29):
Oh, for sure, For sure.
So my story there's so manyparts to my story that I feel
like are important in how I gotto where I am today, but the
first part is I grew up in afamily with three boys and my
parents are both pretty smart,practical people my dad's an

(01:49):
engineer and my mom's anaccountant.
But I grew up, you know, I grewup playing sports and I grew up
doing well in school.
That was something that wasreally easy for me.
There was a lot of pressure inour family to to do really well
in school and to kind of, youknow, make the most of that
opportunity.
I didn't grow up in a cult, ina family culture that really

(02:16):
promoted a lot of, I guess you'dsay like characteristically
feminine traits.
You know, I I was reallyathletic and I was really
academic and I also could see Ithink I internalized this idea
that I could see that my mom hadgiven up a lot to be a

(02:37):
stay-at-home mom with the kidsand I felt like she kind of felt
like she gave up maybe a littlebit too much to do, that.
She kind of had a little bit ofresentment about, maybe her
lack of being able to have acareer and maybe some of the
power imbalances in herrelationship with my dad.

(02:58):
I didn't really she didn'treally overtly complain about
that, but I just picked up onthat.
I think it was just a veryperceptive kid and I was
watching kind of how my parentswere navigating their
relationship and kind of seeingI think every everyone I talked
to as a couple.
I think we internalize ourparents' relationship and and

(03:21):
that how we choose.
You know, a lot of the choicesthat we make in the partner that
we choose and how we becomeadults is is influenced by that.
But I could see that and I andI could see also in the culture
at large that I grew up in thatthe things that boys did like to

(03:41):
be accomplished and all of thatwas really highly favored in my
culture.
And I decided to get anengineering degree to kind of
prove I can do anything a boycan do.
I graduated early from highschool.
I actually ended up getting twoengineering degrees.
I have a master's degree inmechanical engineering.

(04:04):
I graduated from college at 22and I went out and started my
career and, um, and being awoman and an engineer, I had a
home and a career.
I wasn't really finding a lotof great dating opportunities.
Um, because I think a lot ofmen just felt threatened by me.

(04:26):
I think a lot of men grow upespecially in Utah or a
conservative Christian culturewhere the man's gonna be the
breadwinner and the provider,and I felt like often when I
would meet guys or go on a firstdate or go on a blind date,
they would hear about what I didin my career or what I was

(04:46):
doing in school and they wouldkind of deflate a little bit,
lose interest very quickly, andso it took me a little bit
longer than I expected to findsomeone who I was interested in,
who also wanted to marry me.
I met my husband at work and hewas the first guy that I met

(05:07):
that didn't seem to bethreatened or turned off by by
who I was in my career and Ialso have kind of a strong
feisty personality as well.
That's another part of it.
But he was the first guy that Imet that didn't seem like
intimidated or turned off bythat and I just perceived
because of that that we wouldhave kind of what I would call

(05:31):
an egalitarian partnership athome, that things would be
balanced.
You know, I had a career and hehad a career.
We would get together and kindof work things out, that things
in the home would be just asfair and balanced as they were
out in our career world.
We met at work, so I was veryfamiliar with how he was at work
and he was familiar with me.

(05:52):
I just assumed that thingswould naturally fall into place
at home and that we would beable to share those family
responsibilities in a way thatfelt fair, so that we could
pursue our careers and also havea home that was running
smoothly.
And and it just didn't turn outthat way.

(06:12):
I was doing, I felt like I wasdoing pretty much all of the
housework grocery, shopping,cooking, laundry all of those
things were on my plate inaddition to my full time job and
I kind of didn't really make abig deal out of it until we had
our first kid and when I gotpregnant he he just wasn't

(06:35):
naturally getting involved inany of those things.
He didn't want to go to any ofthe classes about pregnancy or
breastfeeding or anything likethat.
He just didn't really want tobe involved.
And then our baby was born andhe wasn't really super involved
in that.
And now, looking back, I cansee that he hadn't been modeled

(06:59):
what that looked like and Ihadn't been modeled how to ask
for it.
You know my parents didn'treally negotiate or navigate
conflict at all.
They kind of just anticipated.
You know, kind of just tried toread each other's minds and
stay out of each other's way andnot really face head on if
things weren't working.

(07:19):
Never saw them really talk itthrough and come up with a
mutually satisfying solution.

Speaker 2 (07:29):
I think that was just part of that generation too.
They didn't talk about.
You know, kids didn't see themtalk about anything, you know.

Speaker 3 (07:38):
Yeah, yeah.
And I have so many clients whowill say that, like my parents
didn't fight, or they foughtbehind closed doors and I was
just in my room feeling reallyalone and anxious about what was
going on and maybe evenwondering if it was my fault
I've heard that before or myparents fought a lot but they

(08:02):
never really resolved anything.
Like I.
Just, you know, looking, thething that I did know how to do
that I was taught to do as a kidwhich isn't healthy at all, was
to complain about what wasn'tgoing well, or to criticize, to
drop hints, you know, to saysomething like oh who taught you

(08:22):
how to sort the laundry?
You know, make passive,aggressive comments.
So I was definitely doing a lotof that kind of complaining and
criticizing and he was notresponding.
I mean surprise, surprise hewasn't responding well to that,

(08:43):
but I never really sat down andwas like, hey, I think that we
had different expectations ofwhat this relationship was going
to look like and I would liketo talk to you about that and
find a way that's going to workfor both of us.
I never did that.
I didn't have the skills oreven the vision for what that

(09:05):
could look like, the confidencethere were, so many things.
So we were starting to have alot of conflict over that child
care.
After our first kid was born, Iwent to working 30 hours a week
instead of 40 hours a week andthat was fairly manageable.
But I was also feeling like Iwas carrying much more of the
load than felt fair to me andthere was getting to be a lot of

(09:28):
conflict about that.
And and my husband was gettingmore short and hot.
I felt like a little bithostile with me and and and then
we had another child.
Our kids are really closetogether.
They're almost they're notquite 18 months apart.
That was a little bit of asurprise.
That second one, but and I hadbeen going through a lot of

(09:50):
really difficult stuff at workand when my second child was
born, I decided to quit my joband stay home and I was then my
and my husband was in gradschool and working full time.
There was just a lot on both ofour plates and we just weren't
communicating about things verywell.
When we were talking about it,it was usually an argument, I

(10:15):
think he was feeling really hurtand uncared for as well, and it
just got to the point where itwasn't sustainable anymore and
and we had gone to a couple ofcouples therapists and kind of
tried to navigate things.
But I don't think we everreally got to the heart of what
was going on and how to dealwith it.

(10:35):
And I think when my daughterwas about 18 months old or so my
youngest I had just felt like Iwas at my breaking point and I
said to my husband if thisdoesn't change, I don't want to
be married anymore.
We can't keep doing this.
And you know, everyone I thinkhas this fantasy that when they
set like a hard line boundary,their spouse is like, oh my gosh

(10:58):
.
Thank you so much for tellingme, but that's not the way it
happened.
You know, I think he kind of hekind of questioned and tested
that boundary.
He stayed in his dad's basementfor a little while just a few
weeks we were kind of trying tofigure things out.
We started working with a newcouples therapist and working on
some things.

(11:19):
But it was really when I starteddecided to start my coaching
business.
I was meeting with a businesscoach and I was trying to figure
out my niche of who do I wantto work with as a coach?
And I I thought, oh, I reallywant to work with supporting
working moms I'm kind of thefirst working mom in my
generation and helping womennavigate that and but every time

(11:42):
I would talk to somebody to dolike a market interview, they
would talk about it's about theimbalance at home.
I, you know, I feel likeeverything.
I'm responsible for 100% ofeverything at home and I'm
working on top of that.
And I said to my business coachI said I don't know how to help
women like this, because pushingmy husband to be a partner at

(12:04):
home has almost ended mymarriage.
And she said to me she said yousaid push almost ended my
marriage.
And she said to me she said yousaid push.
And that was like such a lightbulb moment to me like, oh,
pushing doesn't work, maybethere's another way to handle
this and I love that yourpodcast is called the vision

(12:27):
driven marriage, because that'ssomething that resonates with me
.
So much is like okay, if I wantthis kind of a marriage and
pushing for it isn't working,what can I do to like create a
vision for the kind of marriageI want and invite my husband to
be part of that kind of amarriage?

Speaker 2 (12:49):
to come along beside you and move towards that goal
together, right yeah?

Speaker 3 (12:56):
Yeah.
So that was really an epiphany,like and we talk about it so
much, you know, as businessowners in marketing and sales
like you want to pull and invitepeople to you to create the
kind of world that you want tolive in with you, and I'm sure,
like my husband would never inour whole marriage say, oh yeah,

(13:19):
I want to be the kind ofhusband that comes home and sits
on the couch after work whilemy wife does everything.
Like he didn't want that either.
But but he didn't have a visionof what something different
looked like either, because weboth grew up in homes where the
division of labor was verygendered and so we we both had

(13:43):
to kind of figure out thatvision aspect of things.
The vision first, before thestrategy is kind of what I say.
Like we both really want mostof the same things, but often we
disagree on what it, what weneed to do to get there.

Speaker 2 (14:02):
Yeah, what it looks like to get there.
Yeah, we've often talked aboutgetting off of autopilot and it
sounds you and the opposite ofautopilot is being intentional
and creating an atmosphere thatintentionally brings spouses
together, Because when we're onautopilot we will automatically

(14:27):
drift apart.
There won't be anything Causelike, if you're going to do
something together, you have todo it intentionally together.
That sounds like the directionin which you and your husband
moved then was into thatintentional lane.

Speaker 3 (14:41):
Yeah, yeah for sure.
And I think also the thing thatI had kind of assumed the whole
time was, you know, me beinglike the owner of all the tasks
that invite, like having himparticipate in everything, would
be him doing it my way, youknow, rather than him having his
own opinions and ideas of ofhow things could be as well.

(15:05):
That like negotiation aspect ofthings.

Speaker 2 (15:08):
But I think when you grow up as an independent,
strong minded female, that oftenhappens you know for sure.
Yeah, I think that that's acharacteristic of, and it's not
often celebrated in society, butit is.
It should be, I think sometimes, you know yeah.

Speaker 3 (15:36):
Well, like I have a really feisty, strong-willed
daughter and I love that abouther, Like I wouldn't want her to
be any other way than that andI do I really wish that I could
have been celebrated in that way, the way that I hope that she
feels celebrated and appreciated.

Speaker 2 (15:53):
I can understand that .
I can appreciate that.
I grew up at, you know, fairlyindependent and I taught my
daughters to be independent andand I think that we were on the
same page most of the time aboutthat, you know, but it and my,
in my estimation what estimation?
What I would say to him most ofthe time isn't I need you, it's

(16:16):
I want you.
You know, and most men have thedesire to feel needed, you know
, and they want to be needed,but I'm not a needy person.

Speaker 1 (16:27):
Well, and the root of the issue that you're speaking
to, I think, resonates with alot of our listeners, because
there's two things that you'vementioned that are really big as
we dive back in.
One of them is we tend to dothings the way that we
experience them as children,unless we have an intentional
plan to do it differently, andsometimes we don't even realize

(16:48):
that we're operating out of thestructure that we grew up in,
because we're just coastingalong.
But the second thing is, Ithink a lot of the women who are
listening right now can relatecompletely to what you've shared
.
Women in Mystique was writtenby Betty Friedan that this is

(17:08):
something that is pretty commonfor all you know, for the
majority of women, the strugglewith a career and home and the
concept of wanting help butfeeling ownership, and all of
these things are so common.
But it doesn't make them anyeasier when you're in the midst
of the struggle that itgenerates, and so, when you're

(17:28):
trying to figure out how to doit better, what were some of the
things that you learned on?
How you could share with yourhusband what needed to change
without him feeling like he hadto put up a wall or defend
himself?

Speaker 3 (17:46):
I think when you approach the task.
This was another big aha momentfor me when I learned about the
principle of like charitableinterpretation or assuming good
intent, Like that was not aconcept that I learned in my
home growing up up.
Like you know, you can imagineI was.

(18:09):
I was raised by pretty strict,rigid parents but, um, just
assuming the best in my husbandand the best of his intentions
because for a long time I wasassuming that he was
intentionally taking advantageof me, like um, that he knew he
should be doing more and he waschoosing not to do it to punish

(18:32):
me for how.
You know how I was approachingthings and you know there could
be retaliation is a very commonlosing strategy in our
relationships but I don't thinkit was so intentional and
premeditated as I assumed it wasand premeditated as I assumed

(18:53):
it was, and so even just likedropping that, and I always
think now, like when I have toapproach my husband with
something like whether I say itor not, saying like I know that
you care about me and you don'twant to hurt me I don't have to
always say that, but it's becomelike a practice in my
relationship.
It's become something that I'vehad to do really intentionally

(19:13):
to look for ways that he isshowing up for me and showing
that he's committed to ourrelationship and not letting the
little tiny frustrations that Ihave with a relationship define
the relationship.
So I kind of have to, likeconsciously, make it a daily
practice to say, oh, you knowwhat he?
He helped get one of the kidsup and dressed before school

(19:36):
this morning.
He calls me on his lunch break.
He, you know, he knows thatdate night's important to me and
he brings it up.
So, even if we're still havingconflict about one issue in the
relationship, to look at thebigger picture of how is he
showing that he's invested inour relationship?
And then when I do approach himwith something, it's like hey,

(20:00):
I know that you're acting ingood faith here and I want to
talk about this one issue thatwe're having and see what we can
work out.
So that really helps with thedefensiveness, because men have
this wound too, I think, intheir relationships.
I think especially men in mygeneration and the men that I

(20:21):
work with, because I think it's,you know, just in the last 50
years or so it's been a littlebit safer for women to be a
little bit more unhappy in theirrelationships and expect a
little bit more.
But I think these boys that aregrowing up in these homes are
internalizing that too, Like Idon't want my wife to be unhappy
with me the way that my mom'sunhappy with my dad or, you know

(20:45):
, if there's divorce orsomething.
Like I don't want to be the badguy.
I think so many men have thatwound of if my wife's unhappy
with me, I'm the bad guy, and sowe as women can be really
compassionate towards that andreassure them.
I don't think you're a bad guy,I think you're a great guy and

(21:08):
really, really important.

Speaker 2 (21:09):
I mean several interviews that we've done with
other couples.
They were talking about beingabout having that insecurity
that they've carried in from youknow, in from boyhood, and oh,
what an opportunity we have aswives to you know, speak into
that insecurity and dispel it.
You know we have an incredibleopportunity there.

Speaker 1 (21:32):
Well, but and equally so, you know, men, those of you
who are listening you have theopportunity to recognize, you
know, one of the things that hasbeen shared so far today seeing
all the things that your wife'sdoing and seeing all of the
places where she may be feelingan extra burden.

(21:53):
Recognizing those things andacknowledging them intentionally
and out loud does a lot togetting the conversation where
it's open, so that you canactually do something together
that makes a difference that'slong lasting.

Speaker 2 (22:07):
Yeah, for sure.
It's like going into thoseconversations with a lot of
gratitude.

Speaker 1 (22:12):
You know and acknowledgement, and I think you
know when we date it's prettyeasy for us to point out all of
the things that we appreciateabout you know, our future
spouse, and I think thatsometimes life gets so busy we
aren't as intentional as weshould be about saying those
things out loud andacknowledging I see these great

(22:35):
things you're doing, I see thesewonderful places where you're
thriving, before we come in andsay now let's deal with the
place where we're struggling.

Speaker 2 (22:43):
And I think any you know, husband or wife, anybody
who I mean.
We all deal with insecurities,don't we?
And at some level or another,for some reason or another, you
know and we all need someonespeaking into those insecurities
with a word of kindness and aword of acknowledgement.
And you know validation, youknow.

Speaker 3 (23:04):
Yeah, I think you know I love when my husband
reassures me.
You know that that I'm okay andwe're okay and and of course I
mean it's.
I think it's so easy when youget fixated on the issues in
your relationship to not seeyour spouse as wanting and
needing and deserving that kindof reassurance as well.

Speaker 2 (23:24):
So how do you express your needs without coming off
as needy?
I know that's one thing.
I I I try really hard not to beemotionally needy and I think
part of that is, you know,coming growing up in the
background, that I grew up in.
Being emotionally needy was not, um, was not accepted Like it.
It wasn't on anybody's radarand nobody was getting a pat on

(23:47):
the back and oh honey, you knowyou're okay Kind of thing when
you know the tears were flowingand so so I work really hard not
to be emotionally needy, youknow.
But this is, with this being adifferent realm, like this is.
This is in the physical realmof being needy, like I need help
, help do the laundry, you know.

(24:08):
So how do you, how did youapproach that with your husband
of of being able to express yourneeds and not come across as
needy?

Speaker 3 (24:16):
Yeah, I think one one thing that has been really
helpful for me and for myclients is to kind of have a
little backup plan in yourpocket.
So, for example, if, like, Iwant to go out and do something
on a Wednesday night and I wantto ask my husband, can you watch

(24:36):
the kids so that I can go andhave some time to myself, then I
can say, hey, can you watch thekids on Wednesday?
If you're not available, I can,will get a babysitter.
So the reason and the reasonwhy I think this is so helpful
is because when you come andexpress your needs to your

(24:57):
spouse and they are the only onewho can ever meet that need,
and if they don't meet that need, it means that you don't get
your needs met Then there's alot of pressure there.

Speaker 1 (25:08):
Mm-hmm, then there's a lot of pressure there.

Speaker 3 (25:09):
But if you have a backup plan, then they're like,
oh, she's going to be okay and Ican say yes, out of generosity
instead of obligation.
It just makes it easier forpeople to say yes when they're
when they know that you're notgoing to fall apart if they say

(25:31):
no.
So and I think sometimes peopleare like, oh, what if they
always?
You know what, if you alwayshave to go to your backup plan
Every single time?
You're always going to theirbackup plan and I do think
there's a time to have thatconversation.
But I think, first of all, it'shelpful to get kind of grounded
in yourself of, like, this onemoment in time is not going to

(25:52):
make or break the relationship.
They're not going to beavailable to me 100% of the time
.
I'm hoping they'll be availableto me more than 50% of the time
, but I'm going to be okay ifthey say no in this one instance
.
That just creates a little bitmore room and a little bit less
pressure around that oneinstance and a little bit more
room and a little bit lesspressure around that one
instance and a little bit moreroom, like I said, for that

(26:14):
generosity, like she's going tobe okay whether I say yes or no.

Speaker 2 (26:19):
I think a lot of times we go into those
conversations not having abackup plan, with the
expectation that the spousegoing to be the one to fill that
need, and maybe that that needis not detailed out.
You know, because watching thekids, like there's there's other
needs that are around, thatlike I need to be able to get

(26:41):
away and have some girl time orhave some downtime, like there's
, you know, there's other needsthat are being met there than
just I need you to watch thekids, you know.
And so then there's thatexpectation, and when those
expectations are unspoken andthen they're unmet there's,
there can be a lot of um, a lotof damage that can undermine the

(27:02):
relationship right there.

Speaker 1 (27:04):
Right and when.
I love I love the approach thatyou just explained, because I
know that in our relationshipthere've been times where Leslie
didn't even voice the need thatshe had, because she was
concerned that, because of whatI was dealing with, I wouldn't
be able to meet that for her andshe didn't want to come across

(27:25):
as being somehow needy.
Instead of realizing that, youknow, recognizing that she had a
need, we could have workedtogether to figure out how to
meet that, and she was just soconcerned about not burdening me
that she didn't express it aswell as she could have.

Speaker 3 (27:42):
Oh yeah, and I think that's really common with
couples.
I think it's again kind of whatwe were talking about how you
get the strategy ahead of the.
The core issue, you know, likeyou said, when you're asking
your husband to babysit the kids, it's, it's.
I need some down time, I needsome time away from the family,
I need to be social with otherpeople and I need to know that

(28:04):
you support that need, you know,in some way or another.
And when we, when we allow ourspouse to have that conversation
with us, understanding likewhat the request is and what the
underlying need is, like you'resaying, you can be a little bit
more creative about how youmeet that need.

(28:25):
And now your spouse is, is moreaware in general, general,
moving forward of that andlooking for maybe, opportunities
to help and support you in thatway as well.

Speaker 1 (28:37):
Can you share with us a few mistakes that women make
when they're trying to improvetheir relationship with their
spouse?
Some of the things eitherthrough your experience or some
of your experience with coachingother women.
What have you found are some ofthe common mistakes that are
easy to make?

Speaker 3 (28:52):
Yeah, I think one of the very biggest ones and it was
a mistake that I made and Isupport almost all of my clients
with this in some way oranother is not recognizing the
small incremental improvements.
We kind of want things to changeovernight.

(29:13):
You know, we've probably beenthinking about something and
being frustrated for severalmonths, if not multiple years,
and when we finally get thecourage to rock the boat and
bring it up, we want to see thechange immediately and the
progress is going to beincremental.
It's going to be small, you know.

(29:35):
It's going to be like I said toone of my clients on a group
call that we had the other nightit's going to be maybe your
husband saying no, I can't dothat right now, instead of him
just giving you the silenttreatment.
You know, instead of him justgiving you the silent treatment,
you know, celebrate every timeyou get something different than

(29:56):
what you got before, even ifit's, you know, picking up the
socks and putting them in thehamper, instead of doing all a
week's worth of laundry.
You know, because when you do,when you acknowledge and
celebrate tiny improvements,then it makes people more
motivated to continue working.
You know, I think it's so hard.

(30:17):
It's so hard to do becauseyou've been frustrated for so
long.
But I think you want to putyourself in your spouse's shoes
and when you can see thatthey're making an effort to not
squash that effort with thatkind of perfectionistic, all or
nothing thinking, so you meanthe whole problem won't be fixed

(30:39):
in two hours?

Speaker 1 (30:40):
The Hallmark Channel's lied to us, it's lied
to us, it is.

Speaker 3 (30:44):
It's a fantasy like that.
We're going to have thismiraculous turnaround and, just
like you said, we see it on themovies like, oh, he changed
overnight and everything'sbetter now, and I think it's
also helpful.
My kind of wise, adult, logicalself, I know that I don't
change overnight, but we, wejust sometimes we just don't

(31:17):
translate that into ourrelationships.

Speaker 1 (31:21):
Well, and I love the reminder to look for the
incremental improvements,because there's great
encouragement there if we'reaware of it, and it can be so
frustrating if we're not,because we're looking for maybe
something that hasn't happenedyet and not acknowledging what
has, and so that's a good, goodword.

Speaker 3 (31:40):
Yeah, and I think another thing along those same
lines that you can ask yourselfand this is a really hard
question to ask yourself, butit's really, really valuable is
what am I doing that's making ithard for my spouse to give me
what I want?
And if you ask them thatthey'll, I I think most of the

(32:01):
time they'll appreciate yourbravery and vulnerability and
receptivity and be like kind inthe way that they deliver that.
Yeah, you know, it's hard forme to help with housework
because you criticize how I doit, or it's hard for me to take
the kids for a weekend because Idon't.

(32:25):
I don't do everything the waythat you want me to do it and
I'm afraid of getting in trouble.
So if you can ask them like,what, what do I do to make it
hard for you to give me what I'masking for, and really reflect
on that, that can help to easesome of that defensiveness and
tension as well.

Speaker 2 (32:43):
And I think one thing that makes that hard too is
that we're not in practice oflooking at things from other
people's point of view, you know, and so that's a skill that you
know.
It takes practice to say, okay,I'm going to look at this from
my spouse's point of view, andthere might be that might be all

(33:03):
the insight that the processneeds is just like, okay, I'm
going to look at this from hispoint of view.
Oh gee, you know, I really am agrouch, you know, before nine
o'clock in the morning and Ihaven't had my coffee yet, you
know that kind of thing, and sothere's a lot of introspection
that could be done even beforethat conversation takes place,
you know, just by switchingpoints of view.

(33:24):
This has been an amazingconversation, Sharon.
We've appreciated having you onthe podcast.
Tell our listeners, well, letme ask you this before we sign
off what books are on yournightstand?
What are you reading right nowthat you could share with our
listeners?

Speaker 3 (33:49):
my nightstand.
Well, the book that's on mynightstand right now.
It's called Mindsight and it'stalking about, you know, kind of
how we recognize our thoughtpatterns and make make changes
to those reactive thoughtpatterns.
What else do I recommend mostpeople to read?
I'm a huge fan of Terry real.
He's one of my mentors and thebook us that he just published I

(34:12):
think it was in 2022.
It talks about, you know,fostering that sense of we in
the relationship.
That's a really great book aswell.

Speaker 2 (34:21):
Oh, awesome, awesome.
And where can our listenersfind you?

Speaker 3 (34:25):
So my podcast is called respected and connected
and that's my website as wellrespectedandconnectedcom.
I'm also on Instagram and it'srespected underscore and A-N-D
underscore connected onInstagram.

Speaker 2 (34:42):
Awesome, and I'll link that all in the show notes,
the books and everything, soour listeners can just click and
find out more information aboutthose that you shared, and so
very good.

Speaker 1 (34:53):
And once again, we want to thank you so much for
joining us.
It's really been a pleasure.

Speaker 3 (34:58):
The pleasure has been mine.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (35:00):
And we want to thank all of you for listening.
This is the Vision DrivenMarriage.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis andwe continue to pray that God
will solidify your marriage.