April 19, 2024 • 23 mins
Feeling lonely in a marriage? Have you and your spouse ever found yourselves surrounded by a life full of blessings yet shadowed by an inexplicable sense of solitude? That's the silent shadow we, Doug and Leslie Davis, confront this week as we candidly open up about our own journey through the nuanced challenges of marital loneliness. Amid the hustle of daily life, parenting, and the sometimes insidious creep of miscommunication, we share a deeply personal story that reveals the transformative effect of loneliness. This episode promises strategies for breathing life back into the quiet spaces of your partnership, transforming potential disconnects into gateways for a stronger, more intentional bond.
We submerge into the depths of intimacy, exploring its various dimensions as powerful allies against the creeping sense of isolation. Through our conversation, we dissect the layers of emotional, physical, and spiritual closeness, offering you practical tools to kindle the warmth in your relationship's hearth. As we acknowledge the deceits that can divide, we guide you through the art of resolving conflicts with grace and unified problem-solving, ensuring that you and your partner emerge fortified against loneliness. So, snuggle up with your loved one, and join us for an episode that's not just about overcoming marital loneliness but about nurturing a vision-driven marriage that thrives on connection and heartfelt communication.
Things we mention:
Episode 11, 12, and a mention of our conversation with Rick & Nancy Kay Grace.
How To Strengthen Your Marriage by Expanding Your Intimacies Part 1 (buzzsprout.com)
How To Strengthen Your Marriage by Expanding Your Intimacies Part 2 (buzzsprout.com)
Intimacy and Honor with Rick & Nancy Kay Grace (buzzsprout.com)
Jimmy On Relationships. This reel is a must watch!
INTRO/OUTRO MUSIC CREDITS
Theme music: Dead Winter
ASLC-1BEF9A9E-9E9D609662
Artists: White Bones
Composers: White Bones
Audio source: Epidemic Sound
Find out more about Doug and Leslie:
- Free Resources
- Social Media Links
- Current episodes of The Vision Driven Marriage
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
(00:28):
Welcome to the Vision DrivenMarriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
And today we're talking about feeling lonely in
marriage.
We're learning how to determiscommunication and make a
connection in your marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Now we have been through various stages of
communication miscommunication.
There've been times nocommunication, no communication.
There've been times where,because of the stage we were in
in our life and some choicesthat we learned to do better
eventually, where it would havebeen really easy for us to have
(01:04):
felt very, very lonely.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Yes, I would say that there were times early on in
our marriage where I can say Ifelt lonely and I don't.
It wasn't on purpose and no, itwasn't anything you were doing
on purpose.
It's just kind of how life was,you know.
But because we had some solidbeliefs in place, you know those
(01:28):
times, we knew those times weregoing to be limited, but that's
one of the things that worksagainst communication and
connection is a busy scheduleand I know that's something we
really dealt with when the kidswere little.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
And some of you may be in that stage where your kids
are little right now and maybeyou're working you're working a
lot of hours and you're takingcare of the kids and you're both
really tired.
And because you're tired,you're doing the things you know
you need to do and because youknow that you have the blessing
of being the one person thatunderstands me the most, as my
(02:05):
spouse, we accidentally,accidentally, take advantage of
that truth.
My spouse is the one person whowill cut me some grace.
Give me the things that I needand not expect as much as the
rest of the world expects fromme my kids when they're little.
They need me, my job needs me.
World expects from me my kidswhen they're little.
(02:26):
They need me.
My job needs me.
I have to pay the bills.
But the unfortunate reality is,if you don't actively work to
spend time together, even in themidst of that busyness, the
truth that your spouseunderstands you better than
anybody else can lead to you notdoing things together and it
can be a very lonely place.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Yes, a very, very lonely place, and one of the
things that can kind of bolsterthat loneliness is
miscommunication, when you aretrying to communicate with each
other, and I think that one ofthe things that we want to
convey in today's podcast isthat those miscommunication
times, they are an opportunityto say, okay, let's, let's
(03:07):
unpack why we'remiscommunicating and learn how
to connect through that.
Um, I know one of the well, andthis just happened to us
recently Um, but I had asked youwhat was wrong and basically
you know Basically what are youfeeling and your general answer
to that is nothing or you don'thave any feelings.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Right, or at least can't really acknowledge what's
going on Because, again, the wayI'm wired, being able to see a
circumstance and trying to justfix it, preempts necessarily
feeling anything about it.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Yeah, yeah, but you shared a concern with me that
was actually expressed as kindof a fear, and I mean not like a
fear, fear, but a concern and Iwas genuinely touched by that
sharing of that emotion.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
You know, we I feel like we made a connection at
that point Right, and so youknow, one of the things we want
to encourage you to do is to beable to develop more and more
and more of that connection, tobe able to see that there's ways
for you to connect that you maybe doing, but not as frequently
as you'd like, or there's waysfor you to connect that you
(04:21):
hadn't even considered before,because loneliness is usually
because of that lack ofconnection.
And again, it doesn't matterwhat stage of life you're in.
There's always an opportunityfor you to be really intentional
about the way you do connectwith your spouse, because it's
easy for us to feel alone.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Alone.
Yeah, one of the stealthiestlies of Satan is that you are
alone, and so when we hear thatthat thought runs through our
head like I'm alone in thisrelationship, then our mind is
triggered to start looking forevidence that that is true.
(05:02):
And one of the ways that wecombat that lie is to begin to
see the evidence and to begin tomake evidence that it's not
true.
You know, working to make aconnection in an area that like
doing things together we hadjust had this conversation.
Tell our listeners about someof the ways that you can
(05:24):
increase doing things together.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Well, one of the things that we would encourage
you to do is just embrace theconcept of togetherness Once you
realize.
You know we've been lonely, andwhat Leslie was sharing with
you earlier, when I was really,really spending ridiculous hours
working and coaching, was thesame time that we had four small
children and she was spendingan amazing amount of time taking
(05:50):
care of the kids, and so I wasexhausted, she was exhausted,
and we weren't as intentional aswe could have been, nor as we
are now about taking advantageof the time we did have together
.
And again, certain stages giveyou different amounts of time
that you have the ability to betogether.
(06:10):
Being intentional about it canmake a difference.
For example, if there's thingsthat you know your spouse does
that they enjoy very much,instead of being somewhere else
with nothing particular to do,you can be with them or you can
do that thing with them.
One of the things I just readabout earlier today was a
(06:31):
husband and wife who found thejoy of spending time together
while they washed the car, wherebefore it was just one of them
that would do that.
But just spending the timetogether, being able to spend
time together even if you'redoing separate things, can be a
blessing as well.
You know that there's a lot oftimes where you have to take
(06:52):
care of your emails and you haveto take care of responding to
your kids, and you know beingable to sit out on the front
porch, on the porch swing,together while you do that might
not seem like much, becauseyou're still doing the
individual things you need to doto let people who've contacted
you know the answers to theirquestions.
But choosing to be together,intentionally being together,
(07:15):
then carries over into sayingwell, what are the things that
we both love, and intentionallymaking time to do those things
as well.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Intentionally making time to do those things as well.
Yeah, and there's theinevitable things that we don't
love, that we could do togetheralso, like chores.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Chores and being able to dry dishes while your spouse
washes the dishes or cookingtogether, putting away laundry.
Putting away laundry, doing allthose wonderful things that none
of us particularly love.
But we do love being able to betogether and the concept of
loneliness is important becauseit's going to make you have very
(07:53):
strong feelings when you feelalone, and sometimes you know
you've spent a considerableamount of time where you are
alone.
There's other times where youfeel like you're alone, even
though the amount of time thatyou've been by yourself was
relatively small.
But acknowledging thosefeelings and being able to
communicate those feelings willbe big if you want to embrace
(08:14):
being able to do more together.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
And I think the acknowledgement goes, you know,
hand in hand with alsoacknowledging those feelings in
your spouse.
One of the hardest things thatI've seen in the counseling
office is when a spouse isfeeling some way about a certain
situation and it is totallyinvalidated by their spouse and
(08:40):
that just undermines therelationship, that just
increases the loneliness that'sfeeling.
And, you know, sometimes peopledon't have an understanding of
what that really looks like.
I saw a really good reel theother day.
It's.
I don't know if you followJimmy on relationships or not,
but if you don't, you should,because he's hysterical and he
(09:01):
nails it.
He nails it right on the head.
But one of his reels talkedabout invalidating feelings of
your spouse.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
I'm going to link the link in the bio and just go
watch it, because, jimmy, we'regiving you a shout out here, and
so when you start to understandthe way you feel and you may
not understand Leslie hadmentioned earlier there's times
where she asks me what I'mfeeling and, to be quite honest
with you, I don't know, andsometimes that's a good thing,
(09:30):
but sometimes it's reallydifficult because again we do
things differently.
I'm so blessed that Leslie getsto not only feel a certain way
about the things we're doing,but she's able to acknowledge
the way that other people feelas a result.
It's such a blessing to me,because often I don't understand
how something would makesomeone feel or at least not
very effectively and so you maybe a little bit like me, where
(09:53):
you're not exactly sure how youfeel.
You just know that you feellike you're alone.
It's okay to just say I don'tknow other than I just feel like
I'm all by myself right now.
Now, as a spouse, I will goahead and warn you, though don't
immediately assume that well,if I felt all alone, it would be
for this reason, and thenattribute that motivation to
your spouse.
It may not be true.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
That's how we get projection and projecting, and
that's not healthy.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
It's not healthy, but being able to say I just feel
lonely right now and being ableto say well, why, and to explain
why it could be something thatis able to be changed really
quickly.
It could be something that'sbecause of the season of life
you're in.
Regardless of what it is, youcan be intentional about making
(10:37):
sure that your spouse knows Iwant you to know that you have
me, you're not alone, and so I'mgoing to be there for you
during those times when you feellonely.
Now it doesn't mean that from 6pm to 10 pm, when you're
scheduled to do something thatyou've committed to, that that's
when you're going to change thebehavior because you're
(10:59):
committed to that.
But what it says is I know thatyou feel alone because from six
to 10 for the last month I'vebeen gone, but I'm going to make
sure that the time we'retogether, you realize that
you're with me, I'm with you.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
I'm going to be intentional about the time I
have together, because that'sgoing to be stronger than the
time that we have apart, right,and I think that's a really good
, a really good example of beingintentional about the ways that
you connect.
One of the other things thatreally kind of undermines that
connection is miscommunication.
(11:34):
When you are trying to connectand we mentioned one of the
things projection thatundermines communication so it
allows us to have amiscommunication because there's
an assumption that's beenpresented about why you do
something or why you didn't dosomething.
And you know, in the bigpicture, this month we've been
talking about longevity and sotalking about loneliness in
(11:57):
marriage.
Now, when, when you learn how tocombat loneliness in your
relationship, that's going tohelp you play the long game like
it is going to help solidifyyour marriage so that there's
not a time, you know, 14 yearsdown the road, or 15 years, or
25 years or whatever, when theconnection is gone completely
(12:21):
and one of you are saying Idon't love you anymore, I want a
divorce.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
You know which nobody wants to hear, that you know
but one of the other things isyou communicate is to realize
that we're talking and we'vetalked a lot about being
intimate with your spouse.
There's different ways that wedesire that we need to be
intimate with our spouse.
We want to be emotionallyintimate, we want to be
(12:49):
physically intimate, we want tobe spiritually intimate.
And when you say I feel lonely,don't allow the opportunity to
go by without elaborating whereyou feel like the intimacy could
be stronger, Because lonelinessis saying I don't feel like I'm
(13:11):
as intimate with you right nowin some area and don't miss the
opportunity.
It's an opportunity for you tosay you know, maybe it is
emotionally right now I feellike the hard things that I'm
going through.
Um, I just need you to be ableto be the sounding board for me.
I don't need you to sayanything, I just need to be able
(13:31):
to tell you and you to comeover and say I'm glad that I
know how you feel now.
Thank you for sharing that withme.
That kind of intimacy issomething that's so very
important and it can make youfeel like you're all alone.
If you don't have it, whichfosters that loneliness.
Now, you know it may bephysical, it may be emotional,
but don't miss the opportunityto share.
(13:54):
Not just that I'm feelinglonely, but here's why or here's
where I'm feeling lonely.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
Yeah, and don't forget, satan is a master at
lying and he'll tell you thatwhen you feel lonely, you know
you feel lonely.
So when we feel lonely, let'ssay in in the emotional intimacy
department and we hear that youknow I feel lonely, like you
(14:20):
are alone, that's the lie.
You are alone.
That may generalize into allthese different other areas of
intimacy.
That may not be true, you know,and that's exactly what Satan
wants is to divide yourrelationship in every way
possible.
So if you'd like to know moreabout the different areas of
intimacy, jump back to episode12 and episode 13.
(14:44):
And that was how to strengthenyour marriage by increasing your
intimacies.
And it's a two-part series.
So jump back and listen to bothof those, that's episode 12 and
episode 13.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
And Leslie mentioned that Satan would love to tear up
and just destroy your marriageand divide you.
But if you'll notice, when welook in Scripture, what he
always does is he shares alittle piece of truth and then
twists it, because when he wastempting Jesus, well, if you're
the son of God, throw yourselffrom, but he would start with a
little piece of.
If you're the son of God, throwyourself from, you know, but he
(15:19):
would start with a little pieceof truth.
You know you're the son of God.
He does the same thing in yourmarriage.
What he'll tell you is well, youdeserve to be loved more than
this.
Now here's the funny thing youdo deserve to be treated with
the greatest love you could everimagine.
God's plan for you is to beable to love each other better
every day than you did theprevious days.
But in that lie, what Satanwill try to tell you when you're
(15:40):
lonely is well, you're notgetting what you need, so you
should look somewhere else forit.
Now, the problem with all ofthat is that it can exacerbate
unresolved conflicts and makethose conflicts seem bigger,
because I'm not getting what Ineed from you and we've still
got this problem, and it canreally drive a wedge that
otherwise should be somethingthat would be easily resolved
(16:03):
through communication.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Yeah, unresolved conflicts can really really
undermine a relationship fast.
One of the ways to make surethat conflicts stay resolved or
get resolved is to be able topress into those head on with
grace and humility,understanding that in those
(16:26):
situations you guys are on thesame team.
When you press into thoseconflicts, there isn't a need to
be right or wrong or to provethat you're right and the other
person is wrong.
Being on the same team meansmoving forward together.
In whatever conflict.
(16:48):
It's not us against each other,it's us against the conflict,
and I think that that's animportant mind shift when you're
looking at coming intoconflicts, because when
conflicts are unresolved, thatcontains all of your
communication for however longthat it is unresolved.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
It absolutely can.
And you know, when you don'tcommunicate, then you withdraw
from one another.
It just adds to the lonelinesswhich is a real problem.
And you know something that Ilove that you just shared,
something that's so veryimportant, is that we're on the
same team.
And I think what we don't fullyprocess when we have these
unresolved conflicts, if all wedo is focus on where things
(17:32):
broke in the first place, if wenever get past that part, that's
important, that needs to beaddressed so it doesn't happen
again.
But if we focus instead onhere's how we can do it
differently and better, we'restill acknowledging what had
happened, but we're not staying,we're not being stuck in what
happened when, if all we do islook back at the problem,
(17:53):
instead of saying this existed,let's talk about it.
But now, how can we do itbetter as a focus forward?
Now, not only doesmiscommunication about things
like that lead to loneliness,but I want you to look at the
same concept here.
If you focus just on the factthat I've been so lonely, then
you can start to believe thingsthat would cure your loneliness,
that aren't really the best foryou and aren't God's plan for
(18:14):
you.
But if you instead focus on thishas been true.
How can we do it differentlyand do it better in the future?
How can we do this better?
Then you're able to focus onthe fact that loneliness is very
real, but the active plan istogetherness and being
intentional about thattogetherness.
We can do this differentlybecause it's never too late.
(18:34):
It is never too late for you tobe very, very specific, to be
very daily and to be veryintentional about I want to
spend time with you.
I want to do things togetherwith you, about I want to spend
time with you.
I want to do things togetherwith you, and I guarantee that
when you are able to do thosethings that are a blessing to
(18:55):
both of you and do more of themtogether, it's going to benefit
your relationship.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Absolutely.
I'm replaying the conversationthat we had with Rick and Nancy
K Grace, which was also aboutthe intimacies.
That was the interview thatkicked off that month, and so
that would be episode 11, Ibelieve, and so they had some of
the most hysterical storiesabout the things that they did
(19:20):
together just to likeintentionally increase their
intimacy, and there's like 21types of intimacy.
I don't quote me on the 21, butthere's a lot of types of
intimacy.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
Right, and so, as you do those things together, it
does allow you the opportunityto be more intimate.
It allows you the opportunity,as you're more intimate, to be
able to improve yourcommunication, getting rid of
the miscommunication.
And so you know, it's one ofthe things where, as you spend
more time together, you're goingto be blessed by spending more
(19:52):
time together, and lonelinesswill no longer be able to be a
shadow that convinces you thatit's your constant reality just
present about miscommunicationsis that when you have a
miscommunication, I want you togive yourself permission to
(20:12):
dissect that miscommunication,knowing that you're on the same
team and you're moving forwardtogether, just to say, okay,
what happened with you?
Speaker 2 (20:22):
know where did this conversation break down and what
do we need to do to moveforward with?
Speaker 1 (20:27):
it again, and not for the purpose of blame.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Right, oh never.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
For the purpose of being able to figure out how to
do it differently.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Right, never for the purpose of blame.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Because we know that when things go sideways, it
would be our flesh's desire tosay see, that's where you did it
wrong.
It's not about that, it's notabout that.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
No, it's about moving forward together and building
that intimacy and building thatconnection, Because when you
have that intimacy and you havethat connection, you're not
going to feel lonely.
And it is going to.
It's going to increase the longgame.
It's just going to increaseyour long game.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
It will and one of the things we've mentioned
before as well, but I wanted toshare it with you again.
As you start to do thingstogether, it's also going to
build so many other healthyhabits in your relationship.
Not only will it combatloneliness, which is our focus
today, but it's going to allowthe authenticity to grow even
(21:22):
more.
It's going to allow theopenness and the trustworthiness
to grow even more.
I think I shared severalepisodes ago that, even though
there's no expectation, I'm notupset if she doesn't go Nearly
every place that I go.
I just ask Alyssa, hey, youwant to go with me?
And there's two reasons forthat Not only because it's open
and transparent, which is whatwe were talking about that
(21:43):
particular episode but lookingat it through this context of
loneliness, I want her to knowthat I want to be with her.
I'm very intentional about Iwant to be with you.
My feelings aren't hurt if youdon't go grocery shopping with
me, but I want you to know thatit's a lot more fun if you do go
with me, because I like beingtogether with you.
And so, as you continue to growand develop the intentionality
(22:07):
of embracing togetherness,you're going to find things that
you didn't even think weretogether, activities that you
really enjoy.
Just because you know I'm goingto take a quick ride.
Hey, you want to go and hop inthe Jeep with me?
Let's go.
And so we do.
And it's not even the thingthat we do as much as the time
(22:28):
together.
And so, as we look at theconcept of loneliness, we know
that there's going to be timesin your relationship where you
have a moment where you feelloneliness.
There may even be seasons ofloneliness, and we know that
they can hurt.
We know that they can be verydifficult.
We want to encourage you that,if you are intentional about
(22:52):
embracing, doing things together, that, no matter how long the
season has been or how deep thefeelings connected to loneliness
have been, this is somethingthat can be repaired and helped
and healed in your marriage andcan really draw you closer to
one another.
And healed in your marriage andcan really draw you closer to
one another.
(23:12):
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
This is the Vision Driven Marriage and we continue
to pray that God will solidifyyour marriage.
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
(00:28):
Welcome to the Vision DrivenMarriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
And today we're talking about feeling lonely in
marriage.
We're learning how to determiscommunication and make a
connection in your marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Now we have been through various stages of
communication miscommunication.
There've been times nocommunication, no communication.
There've been times where,because of the stage we were in
in our life and some choicesthat we learned to do better
eventually, where it would havebeen really easy for us to have
(01:04):
felt very, very lonely.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Yes, I would say that there were times early on in
our marriage where I can say Ifelt lonely and I don't.
It wasn't on purpose and no, itwasn't anything you were doing
on purpose.
It's just kind of how life was,you know.
But because we had some solidbeliefs in place, you know those
(01:28):
times, we knew those times weregoing to be limited, but that's
one of the things that worksagainst communication and
connection is a busy scheduleand I know that's something we
really dealt with when the kidswere little.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
And some of you may be in that stage where your kids
are little right now and maybeyou're working you're working a
lot of hours and you're takingcare of the kids and you're both
really tired.
And because you're tired,you're doing the things you know
you need to do and because youknow that you have the blessing
of being the one person thatunderstands me the most, as my
(02:05):
spouse, we accidentally,accidentally, take advantage of
that truth.
My spouse is the one person whowill cut me some grace.
Give me the things that I needand not expect as much as the
rest of the world expects fromme my kids when they're little.
They need me, my job needs me.
World expects from me my kidswhen they're little.
(02:26):
They need me.
My job needs me.
I have to pay the bills.
But the unfortunate reality is,if you don't actively work to
spend time together, even in themidst of that busyness, the
truth that your spouseunderstands you better than
anybody else can lead to you notdoing things together and it
can be a very lonely place.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Yes, a very, very lonely place, and one of the
things that can kind of bolsterthat loneliness is
miscommunication, when you aretrying to communicate with each
other, and I think that one ofthe things that we want to
convey in today's podcast isthat those miscommunication
times, they are an opportunityto say, okay, let's, let's
(03:07):
unpack why we'remiscommunicating and learn how
to connect through that.
Um, I know one of the well, andthis just happened to us
recently Um, but I had asked youwhat was wrong and basically
you know Basically what are youfeeling and your general answer
to that is nothing or you don'thave any feelings.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Right, or at least can't really acknowledge what's
going on Because, again, the wayI'm wired, being able to see a
circumstance and trying to justfix it, preempts necessarily
feeling anything about it.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Yeah, yeah, but you shared a concern with me that
was actually expressed as kindof a fear, and I mean not like a
fear, fear, but a concern and Iwas genuinely touched by that
sharing of that emotion.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
You know, we I feel like we made a connection at
that point Right, and so youknow, one of the things we want
to encourage you to do is to beable to develop more and more
and more of that connection, tobe able to see that there's ways
for you to connect that you maybe doing, but not as frequently
as you'd like, or there's waysfor you to connect that you
(04:21):
hadn't even considered before,because loneliness is usually
because of that lack ofconnection.
And again, it doesn't matterwhat stage of life you're in.
There's always an opportunityfor you to be really intentional
about the way you do connectwith your spouse, because it's
easy for us to feel alone.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Alone.
Yeah, one of the stealthiestlies of Satan is that you are
alone, and so when we hear thatthat thought runs through our
head like I'm alone in thisrelationship, then our mind is
triggered to start looking forevidence that that is true.
(05:02):
And one of the ways that wecombat that lie is to begin to
see the evidence and to begin tomake evidence that it's not
true.
You know, working to make aconnection in an area that like
doing things together we hadjust had this conversation.
Tell our listeners about someof the ways that you can
(05:24):
increase doing things together.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Well, one of the things that we would encourage
you to do is just embrace theconcept of togetherness Once you
realize.
You know we've been lonely, andwhat Leslie was sharing with
you earlier, when I was really,really spending ridiculous hours
working and coaching, was thesame time that we had four small
children and she was spendingan amazing amount of time taking
(05:50):
care of the kids, and so I wasexhausted, she was exhausted,
and we weren't as intentional aswe could have been, nor as we
are now about taking advantageof the time we did have together
.
And again, certain stages giveyou different amounts of time
that you have the ability to betogether.
(06:10):
Being intentional about it canmake a difference.
For example, if there's thingsthat you know your spouse does
that they enjoy very much,instead of being somewhere else
with nothing particular to do,you can be with them or you can
do that thing with them.
One of the things I just readabout earlier today was a
(06:31):
husband and wife who found thejoy of spending time together
while they washed the car, wherebefore it was just one of them
that would do that.
But just spending the timetogether, being able to spend
time together even if you'redoing separate things, can be a
blessing as well.
You know that there's a lot oftimes where you have to take
(06:52):
care of your emails and you haveto take care of responding to
your kids, and you know beingable to sit out on the front
porch, on the porch swing,together while you do that might
not seem like much, becauseyou're still doing the
individual things you need to doto let people who've contacted
you know the answers to theirquestions.
But choosing to be together,intentionally being together,
(07:15):
then carries over into sayingwell, what are the things that
we both love, and intentionallymaking time to do those things
as well.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Intentionally making time to do those things as well.
Yeah, and there's theinevitable things that we don't
love, that we could do togetheralso, like chores.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Chores and being able to dry dishes while your spouse
washes the dishes or cookingtogether, putting away laundry.
Putting away laundry, doing allthose wonderful things that none
of us particularly love.
But we do love being able to betogether and the concept of
loneliness is important becauseit's going to make you have very
(07:53):
strong feelings when you feelalone, and sometimes you know
you've spent a considerableamount of time where you are
alone.
There's other times where youfeel like you're alone, even
though the amount of time thatyou've been by yourself was
relatively small.
But acknowledging thosefeelings and being able to
communicate those feelings willbe big if you want to embrace
(08:14):
being able to do more together.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
And I think the acknowledgement goes, you know,
hand in hand with alsoacknowledging those feelings in
your spouse.
One of the hardest things thatI've seen in the counseling
office is when a spouse isfeeling some way about a certain
situation and it is totallyinvalidated by their spouse and
(08:40):
that just undermines therelationship, that just
increases the loneliness that'sfeeling.
And, you know, sometimes peopledon't have an understanding of
what that really looks like.
I saw a really good reel theother day.
It's.
I don't know if you followJimmy on relationships or not,
but if you don't, you should,because he's hysterical and he
(09:01):
nails it.
He nails it right on the head.
But one of his reels talkedabout invalidating feelings of
your spouse.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
I'm going to link the link in the bio and just go
watch it, because, jimmy, we'regiving you a shout out here, and
so when you start to understandthe way you feel and you may
not understand Leslie hadmentioned earlier there's times
where she asks me what I'mfeeling and, to be quite honest
with you, I don't know, andsometimes that's a good thing,
(09:30):
but sometimes it's reallydifficult because again we do
things differently.
I'm so blessed that Leslie getsto not only feel a certain way
about the things we're doing,but she's able to acknowledge
the way that other people feelas a result.
It's such a blessing to me,because often I don't understand
how something would makesomeone feel or at least not
very effectively and so you maybe a little bit like me, where
(09:53):
you're not exactly sure how youfeel.
You just know that you feellike you're alone.
It's okay to just say I don'tknow other than I just feel like
I'm all by myself right now.
Now, as a spouse, I will goahead and warn you, though don't
immediately assume that well,if I felt all alone, it would be
for this reason, and thenattribute that motivation to
your spouse.
It may not be true.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
That's how we get projection and projecting, and
that's not healthy.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
It's not healthy, but being able to say I just feel
lonely right now and being ableto say well, why, and to explain
why it could be something thatis able to be changed really
quickly.
It could be something that'sbecause of the season of life
you're in.
Regardless of what it is, youcan be intentional about making
(10:37):
sure that your spouse knows Iwant you to know that you have
me, you're not alone, and so I'mgoing to be there for you
during those times when you feellonely.
Now it doesn't mean that from 6pm to 10 pm, when you're
scheduled to do something thatyou've committed to, that that's
when you're going to change thebehavior because you're
(10:59):
committed to that.
But what it says is I know thatyou feel alone because from six
to 10 for the last month I'vebeen gone, but I'm going to make
sure that the time we'retogether, you realize that
you're with me, I'm with you.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
I'm going to be intentional about the time I
have together, because that'sgoing to be stronger than the
time that we have apart, right,and I think that's a really good
, a really good example of beingintentional about the ways that
you connect.
One of the other things thatreally kind of undermines that
connection is miscommunication.
(11:34):
When you are trying to connectand we mentioned one of the
things projection thatundermines communication so it
allows us to have amiscommunication because there's
an assumption that's beenpresented about why you do
something or why you didn't dosomething.
And you know, in the bigpicture, this month we've been
talking about longevity and sotalking about loneliness in
(11:57):
marriage.
Now, when, when you learn how tocombat loneliness in your
relationship, that's going tohelp you play the long game like
it is going to help solidifyyour marriage so that there's
not a time, you know, 14 yearsdown the road, or 15 years, or
25 years or whatever, when theconnection is gone completely
(12:21):
and one of you are saying Idon't love you anymore, I want a
divorce.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
You know which nobody wants to hear, that you know
but one of the other things isyou communicate is to realize
that we're talking and we'vetalked a lot about being
intimate with your spouse.
There's different ways that wedesire that we need to be
intimate with our spouse.
We want to be emotionallyintimate, we want to be
(12:49):
physically intimate, we want tobe spiritually intimate.
And when you say I feel lonely,don't allow the opportunity to
go by without elaborating whereyou feel like the intimacy could
be stronger, Because lonelinessis saying I don't feel like I'm
(13:11):
as intimate with you right nowin some area and don't miss the
opportunity.
It's an opportunity for you tosay you know, maybe it is
emotionally right now I feellike the hard things that I'm
going through.
Um, I just need you to be ableto be the sounding board for me.
I don't need you to sayanything, I just need to be able
(13:31):
to tell you and you to comeover and say I'm glad that I
know how you feel now.
Thank you for sharing that withme.
That kind of intimacy issomething that's so very
important and it can make youfeel like you're all alone.
If you don't have it, whichfosters that loneliness.
Now, you know it may bephysical, it may be emotional,
but don't miss the opportunityto share.
(13:54):
Not just that I'm feelinglonely, but here's why or here's
where I'm feeling lonely.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
Yeah, and don't forget, satan is a master at
lying and he'll tell you thatwhen you feel lonely, you know
you feel lonely.
So when we feel lonely, let'ssay in in the emotional intimacy
department and we hear that youknow I feel lonely, like you
(14:20):
are alone, that's the lie.
You are alone.
That may generalize into allthese different other areas of
intimacy.
That may not be true, you know,and that's exactly what Satan
wants is to divide yourrelationship in every way
possible.
So if you'd like to know moreabout the different areas of
intimacy, jump back to episode12 and episode 13.
(14:44):
And that was how to strengthenyour marriage by increasing your
intimacies.
And it's a two-part series.
So jump back and listen to bothof those, that's episode 12 and
episode 13.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
And Leslie mentioned that Satan would love to tear up
and just destroy your marriageand divide you.
But if you'll notice, when welook in Scripture, what he
always does is he shares alittle piece of truth and then
twists it, because when he wastempting Jesus, well, if you're
the son of God, throw yourselffrom, but he would start with a
little piece of.
If you're the son of God, throwyourself from, you know, but he
(15:19):
would start with a little pieceof truth.
You know you're the son of God.
He does the same thing in yourmarriage.
What he'll tell you is well, youdeserve to be loved more than
this.
Now here's the funny thing youdo deserve to be treated with
the greatest love you could everimagine.
God's plan for you is to beable to love each other better
every day than you did theprevious days.
But in that lie, what Satanwill try to tell you when you're
(15:40):
lonely is well, you're notgetting what you need, so you
should look somewhere else forit.
Now, the problem with all ofthat is that it can exacerbate
unresolved conflicts and makethose conflicts seem bigger,
because I'm not getting what Ineed from you and we've still
got this problem, and it canreally drive a wedge that
otherwise should be somethingthat would be easily resolved
(16:03):
through communication.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Yeah, unresolved conflicts can really really
undermine a relationship fast.
One of the ways to make surethat conflicts stay resolved or
get resolved is to be able topress into those head on with
grace and humility,understanding that in those
(16:26):
situations you guys are on thesame team.
When you press into thoseconflicts, there isn't a need to
be right or wrong or to provethat you're right and the other
person is wrong.
Being on the same team meansmoving forward together.
In whatever conflict.
(16:48):
It's not us against each other,it's us against the conflict,
and I think that that's animportant mind shift when you're
looking at coming intoconflicts, because when
conflicts are unresolved, thatcontains all of your
communication for however longthat it is unresolved.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
It absolutely can.
And you know, when you don'tcommunicate, then you withdraw
from one another.
It just adds to the lonelinesswhich is a real problem.
And you know something that Ilove that you just shared,
something that's so veryimportant, is that we're on the
same team.
And I think what we don't fullyprocess when we have these
unresolved conflicts, if all wedo is focus on where things
(17:32):
broke in the first place, if wenever get past that part, that's
important, that needs to beaddressed so it doesn't happen
again.
But if we focus instead onhere's how we can do it
differently and better, we'restill acknowledging what had
happened, but we're not staying,we're not being stuck in what
happened when, if all we do islook back at the problem,
(17:53):
instead of saying this existed,let's talk about it.
But now, how can we do itbetter as a focus forward?
Now, not only doesmiscommunication about things
like that lead to loneliness,but I want you to look at the
same concept here.
If you focus just on the factthat I've been so lonely, then
you can start to believe thingsthat would cure your loneliness,
that aren't really the best foryou and aren't God's plan for
(18:14):
you.
But if you instead focus on thishas been true.
How can we do it differentlyand do it better in the future?
How can we do this better?
Then you're able to focus onthe fact that loneliness is very
real, but the active plan istogetherness and being
intentional about thattogetherness.
We can do this differentlybecause it's never too late.
(18:34):
It is never too late for you tobe very, very specific, to be
very daily and to be veryintentional about I want to
spend time with you.
I want to do things togetherwith you, about I want to spend
time with you.
I want to do things togetherwith you, and I guarantee that
when you are able to do thosethings that are a blessing to
(18:55):
both of you and do more of themtogether, it's going to benefit
your relationship.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Absolutely.
I'm replaying the conversationthat we had with Rick and Nancy
K Grace, which was also aboutthe intimacies.
That was the interview thatkicked off that month, and so
that would be episode 11, Ibelieve, and so they had some of
the most hysterical storiesabout the things that they did
(19:20):
together just to likeintentionally increase their
intimacy, and there's like 21types of intimacy.
I don't quote me on the 21, butthere's a lot of types of
intimacy.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
Right, and so, as you do those things together, it
does allow you the opportunityto be more intimate.
It allows you the opportunity,as you're more intimate, to be
able to improve yourcommunication, getting rid of
the miscommunication.
And so you know, it's one ofthe things where, as you spend
more time together, you're goingto be blessed by spending more
(19:52):
time together, and lonelinesswill no longer be able to be a
shadow that convinces you thatit's your constant reality just
present about miscommunicationsis that when you have a
miscommunication, I want you togive yourself permission to
(20:12):
dissect that miscommunication,knowing that you're on the same
team and you're moving forwardtogether, just to say, okay,
what happened with you?
Speaker 2 (20:22):
know where did this conversation break down and what
do we need to do to moveforward with?
Speaker 1 (20:27):
it again, and not for the purpose of blame.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Right, oh never.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
For the purpose of being able to figure out how to
do it differently.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Right, never for the purpose of blame.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Because we know that when things go sideways, it
would be our flesh's desire tosay see, that's where you did it
wrong.
It's not about that, it's notabout that.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
No, it's about moving forward together and building
that intimacy and building thatconnection, Because when you
have that intimacy and you havethat connection, you're not
going to feel lonely.
And it is going to.
It's going to increase the longgame.
It's just going to increaseyour long game.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
It will and one of the things we've mentioned
before as well, but I wanted toshare it with you again.
As you start to do thingstogether, it's also going to
build so many other healthyhabits in your relationship.
Not only will it combatloneliness, which is our focus
today, but it's going to allowthe authenticity to grow even
(21:22):
more.
It's going to allow theopenness and the trustworthiness
to grow even more.
I think I shared severalepisodes ago that, even though
there's no expectation, I'm notupset if she doesn't go Nearly
every place that I go.
I just ask Alyssa, hey, youwant to go with me?
And there's two reasons forthat Not only because it's open
and transparent, which is whatwe were talking about that
(21:43):
particular episode but lookingat it through this context of
loneliness, I want her to knowthat I want to be with her.
I'm very intentional about Iwant to be with you.
My feelings aren't hurt if youdon't go grocery shopping with
me, but I want you to know thatit's a lot more fun if you do go
with me, because I like beingtogether with you.
And so, as you continue to growand develop the intentionality
(22:07):
of embracing togetherness,you're going to find things that
you didn't even think weretogether, activities that you
really enjoy.
Just because you know I'm goingto take a quick ride.
Hey, you want to go and hop inthe Jeep with me?
Let's go.
And so we do.
And it's not even the thingthat we do as much as the time
(22:28):
together.
And so, as we look at theconcept of loneliness, we know
that there's going to be timesin your relationship where you
have a moment where you feelloneliness.
There may even be seasons ofloneliness, and we know that
they can hurt.
We know that they can be verydifficult.
We want to encourage you that,if you are intentional about
(22:52):
embracing, doing things together, that, no matter how long the
season has been or how deep thefeelings connected to loneliness
have been, this is somethingthat can be repaired and helped
and healed in your marriage andcan really draw you closer to
one another.
And healed in your marriage andcan really draw you closer to
one another.
(23:12):
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
This is the Vision Driven Marriage and we continue
to pray that God will solidifyyour marriage.
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