Could your marriage withstand the weight of hidden challenges and small compromises? Join us on this powerful episode of the Vision-Driven Marriage Podcast as we welcome Brad and Lisa Valencia from Unrelenting Pursuit. They courageously share their transformative story from marital strife to triumph, driven by Brad's conviction to reveal the miracles in their relationship as a beacon of hope for others. Their journey is a testament to the power of Christ and unrelenting pursuit of what really matters.
Our conversation delves into profound themes of faith, redemption, and the dangerous spiral of compromising one's beliefs. Brad recounts a personal story of growing up in a pastoral family and the incremental steps that led to compromising his faith, ultimately resulting in significant consequences. This candid narrative highlights the critical need for addressing secret sins and the impact of these seemingly minor compromises on our lives and relationships. It’s a stark reminder of the importance of maintaining our spiritual integrity and the role of faith in overcoming life's toughest challenges.
Healing and renewal through Christ form the cornerstone of this episode, as Brad and Lisa emphasize the importance of personal responsibility and spiritual growth. They share their experiences of rebuilding their marriage through a supportive faith community, honest communication, and unwavering commitment. Their story underscores the protecting what is important and maintaining accountability in marriage. Offering a message of hope and resilience, they remind us that while the journey of healing is unique and often challenging, it is ultimately rewarding and filled with purpose when anchored in faith.
You can find Brad and List at:
https://www.facebook.com/unrelentingpursuitofmarriage
https://unrelentingpursuit.org/
Brad & Lisa Valencia (@unrelentingpursuit_) • Instagram photos and videos
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Artists: White Bones
Composers: White Bones
Audio source: Epidemic Sound
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
(00:28):
strengthen your marriage.
Welcome to the Vision DrivenMarriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
We're really excited about thecouple that we get to share with
you all today.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Today we've invited Brad and Lisa Valencia from
Unrelenting Pursuit, and they'regoing to share their story with
us.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Welcome.
We're glad that you're with ustoday.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Thank you for having us we're thrilled to be here.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
Bren and Lisa tell us a little bit about how you got
into marriage ministry and whatthat means for you.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Oh okay, how we got into marriage.
Ministry is my lovely husband.
We were leading groups atchurch and we'd been really
involved in that area for quitea while and God had kind of
planted some things in my heartover the years that I had just
kind of sat on but had neververbalized.
And my husband comes home oneday and he tells me we should be
(01:21):
writing a book, doing a podcastand starting on social media.
And I just gave him a deadpanlook because I was so in shock.
Honestly, we find it's a loteasier or for me I find it much
easier to share from pain thanit is to share from shame.
So I really never thought thatmy husband would come alongside
(01:41):
in such a public way to reallyshare the darkest parts of our
story so publicly.
So I did not respond well.
Speaker 4 (01:50):
No, she didn't.
She totally like kind of blewme off.
I just I think God put it on myheart because I'm the shameful
side If you guys had to pickthat up there.
I think God put that on myheart because, now that I've
learned, I think it's selfishand you have an obligation to
share the miracles that God'sdone in your life, and
(02:15):
especially in ours, and so tohold it and keep it, even if it
was painful to share it over andover to me.
There was almost a sense ofarrogance around not sharing it.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
I don't know if that makes sense.
Speaker 4 (02:29):
It was just something that was put on my heart, and I
think that the more I've grown,the more I've realized the
reason why.
And, um, like I have no prideanymore, but it's, it's, um,
it's our obligation to God'sdone such a work in our life.
For us to hold on to it is it'sunfair.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
That's how I feel.
That is awesome, and not justbecause you're sharing your
testimony.
But I know that there may be,you know, some couples who are
listening to this podcast todaywho realize that a little
element of what you're going toshare is something that they may
either be going through or arecoming out of.
And the reason it's soimportant for you to you know,
(03:13):
to acknowledge that God's givenyou this opportunity to share
and that he broke down.
You know, all of those walls ofpride are because there's
somebody, there's some couplewho's very similar to you who
right now desperately needs toknow that God can bring healing
to their marriage.
With you sharing what God'sdone in your marriage.
(03:35):
What an awesome thing, becausethat person who needs hope might
be able to borrow the hope thatthey find that you found until
they can see what God's going todo in their relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
That's our whole intention that we get to be the
hope that they find that youfound, until they can see what
God's going to do in theirrelationship.
That's our, that's our wholeintention, that we get to be the
hope carriers.
You know, if God can do it forus, he can do it for you, which
is like a really beautifulpicture of who God is.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
And so God has provided a lot of redemption in
your marriage.
Tell us a little bit about that.
What have you guys overcome inyour marriage?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
I'm going to summarize the first 10 years in
about 30 seconds and then I justhand it over to Brennan.
So I would say that we had feltlike we had a really good
marriage.
We were married for 10 years,had three kids, you know, in the
career, the house, all thethings that you quote, unquote
are the right things to have agood marriage.
Going to church, both believedin the Lord, we were checking
(04:31):
all of the boxes and we alwayssay we emphasize this part of it
that we had a what we felt wasa good marriage.
Because I think when mostcouples, if they even think
about the idea of facingsomething like we walked through
, they just automatically assumethat you had a really bad
marriage and so we want toremove that right away because
we are all very capable offailing.
(04:53):
So we just want to make surethat we preface that.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
So and then now I just hand it to's.
I don't even know where tobegin.
I mean, like Lisa said, we hadeverything.
If you saw us from the outside,it was, you know, little kids
building a family.
(05:20):
You know the whole Americandream kind of deal.
You know the whole americandream kind of deal.
And, um, I, I grew up in church.
So that's something I want tolike emphasize to people
listening before I get deep intomy testimonies or our testimony
.
I grew up in church, like myuncles, my grandfather they're
(05:42):
all pastors or were pastors Likethis is something that I
literally slept on pews underpews when I was little.
Like this is.
I grew up in the church sayingthat I knew all the answers, but
I didn't have my own personalrelationship, I would say,
rooted and grounded my faith,right, what jesus really means.
(06:06):
So in 2011, wow, it's been.
It's been a little while.
Yeah, so in 2011, I, uh,through work I was, I was able
to get on a this, this unit andwe travel around the nation
doing different things and Iwould get deployed.
And then come home and getdeployed and come home, well,
well, a few of these deployments.
(06:26):
You know, it's not like themilitary, where the deployments
are like years or anything likethat.
These were a couple of monthslong here and there, and during
that time I started tocompromise a lot of my beliefs.
Really, that's what it camedown to.
I really just started tocompromise little bits and
pieces of what I stood for,because I wasn't grounded and
(06:48):
rooted in what I needed to beRight.
So I just started off very small.
So it was starting off withgoing out for dinner and then
maybe having a couple of drinksand that was it, and then go
back to my hotel room.
And then that progressed alittle bit further and then I
get back to my hotel room andthen, as this is all progressing
(07:11):
, these are like these littlesteps that I started taking to
where I started looking atpornography and to me it was
justifiable.
It's okay I was away from myfamily, like this is better than
quote unquote, better thangoing out and physically doing
this right.
This is something Irationalized in my head.
(07:31):
I think a lot of people do.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
It's a slippery slope , isn't it Exactly?
Speaker 4 (07:36):
And it's not.
That's not true.
So to get that out there rightnow, that's not true.
So that progressed and Istarted even during that, when
I'd stay out later I'd startlying to Lisa and just telling
her like, oh, I'm going to go tobed and then I would go back
out.
And so it was a very it was aweird time.
(08:00):
It was something I've neverdone before.
It just started, you know, butagain it was these slow
compromises that I made Right,so it wasn't like I woke up out
of bed one day and said I'mgoing to throw my family away
and I'm going to walk away fromall this, and then I just went
and did it.
And I would argue that no oneever does that, that there's
always small steps in the wrongdirection, and so that's what I
(08:22):
was doing.
And then, as that progressedand I started staying out later,
the enemy knows how to get youright.
And and I still deal withinsecurities to this day.
And I would argue that there'smen out there that say they
don't and they do, but I, Istill deal with insecurities
today.
But then there was.
It was a big, a big thing in mylife, and so, overcompensating
(08:47):
that, and the enemy knows how toget you.
He fed on those insecuritiesand so me thinking I wasn't
wanted by other people, thenthat was something that was
happening and being noticed.
And then you know women comingup to me and talking to me and
me entertaining that, and I wasalso putting myself in, you know
(09:11):
, places I don't go and I wasputting myself in areas that
I've never really hung out.
I never used to go to bars, Inever used to go to these clubs
and do all these things.
And I started doing all thatthese clubs and do all these
things and I started doing allthat and so then that progressed
to the.
It wasn't that big of a jump tophysically stepping out on my
(09:34):
family right, physicallyinviting women and doing all
these things, and so going fromstaying out and compromising my
little bits here and there tofull blown adultery.
I mean, there's a timeline there, but it wasn't that big of a
jump and I think people don'trealize what they're dabbling in
when they start compromisingthese little things.
(09:56):
You know, since we've startedthis ministry, we've learned so
much in the realm of church,specifically where there is the
pornography problem that's aquiet, secret, sin Right and and
and we have, you know, otherministries that we've linked up
to that.
We've learned a lot about this,but people don't think it's
that big of a deal.
(10:16):
But it's actually a huge deal.
It's it.
It just.
It tears you apart, it changesyour mental capacity, it changes
everything about you.
So I lived this for I don'tknow my timelines.
It's horrible.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
I can remember everything.
Speaker 4 (10:30):
Yeah, she remembers everything.
I mean that's how it goes.
But I kept this secret and Iwould travel back home, keeping
the secret, basically living twolives and one day because God
know this, god always revealsthe truth, always it's always
going to come out, and thathappened.
(10:50):
And so Lisa found out and in myhead, as soon as she found out
I was, I was kicked out of thehouse and all those things.
I think there's a little bit ofa gray area there, but the end
result was me leaving the homeand I started bumming couches
and hanging out and surroundingpeople, surrounding myself with
(11:12):
people that were encouraging mybehavior and I'm in the first
responder world and so it's notthat uncommon to get a divorce.
And so it was thisencouragement of like, oh well,
this just happens, you know, andyou're just going to deal with
it.
And in my head, everybody wasgoing to be fine, right, the
Lisa and the kids were going tobe fine, I was going to be fine,
(11:33):
we were just going to go ourseparate ways.
And during this time, I wantednothing to do with God, nothing,
and everything I did was toturn my back on him and run the
other way.
Every single thing I did Didn'twant to talk to my parents,
because I didn't want them totalk to me about you're doing
something bad, you know, but youknow the whole thing.
Even if they were doing it in asoft way, I didn't want to hear
(11:56):
it.
I didn't want to hear Lisatalking to me about anything
like that.
I didn't want to hear any of it.
I just wanted to keep livingthis lie, because that's what it
was.
It was just a lie.
And as this kept going on, I wasdriving home from another,
another weekend of, you know,doing whatever I wanted, right,
(12:19):
doing anything.
But there was no hint of God inme, right?
I wasn't thinking of him, Iwasn't listening to anything, I
didn't want any of that.
So I just spent another weekendof just partying up, doing
whatever I wanted, and I wasdriving back to where I was
staying at that point and therewas a long drive and as I was
driving back again, listening toI don't know what song,
(12:42):
whatever song it wasn'tChristian, you know, had nothing
like that I was justreminiscing, like, what I had
done over the weekend.
And just, you know, what am Igoing to have to do tomorrow?
Kind of deal.
And I had this.
I call it my road to Damascusexperience, and it wasn't.
You know, there wasn't like theclouds split open and a light
shines on my car and stops on mycar.
(13:03):
It was nothing like that, butit was just this heaviness of
God right there and it was achoice he gave me and it wasn't.
I wish it was audible, that'dbe a really cool story, right,
but it wasn't.
It wasn't audible.
Audible, but it was the loudestthing I had ever heard.
And he just gave me a choice onthe side of the road and he
(13:25):
said you can choose to keepgoing the way you're going,
that's up to you, or you canjust turn back to me.
So it wasn't turn back to me andmy family's restored and in you
know, 12 years we have thisministry that he's given us and
all these opportunities.
It was nothing like that.
It was just literally, keepgoing down the path you're going
(13:48):
or turn to me.
And during that choice, youknow I'm I'm pulled over the
side of the road at this pointand I'm emotional wreck and I
felt this imminent death.
Right, you know, we all knowwe're all going to die.
You know that's not, but thiswas more of a.
(14:11):
You know, sin leads to death.
Yes, but this felt very, itfelt like my last chance, even
though I know that God's a Godof chances, right, like he will
be there, he wants to give usevery opportunity we can.
But this truly did feel likethis was it.
And it wasn't.
I didn't feel a pressure toturn back to him, it was just
(14:35):
this matter of fact, here's yourchoice.
And so clearly I mean there'sno, there's no surprise I did
turn back to him, or else Iwouldn't be standing here right
now.
And so clearly I mean there'sno, there's no surprise I did
turn back to him, or else Iwouldn't be standing here right
now.
But I did, I just turned backto him and I was just, you know,
asked for forgiveness and I'mjust bawling and I don't know
what to do next.
(14:56):
And so my next phone callbecause I didn't know who, even
who reached out to was Lisa.
And again it was like what forme?
What's okay?
I turned back to him what's thenext thing I can do of all this
stuff that I've messed up?
And so then I just asked Lisaif there was a way that we could
even work this out.
You know, this is by this pointwe had met with lawyers, we had
(15:20):
signed divorce papers, we haddone all that.
We were just waiting for ajudge to sign it.
We, we were so far gone.
And then I grew up and I thinka lot of us grew up this way
where this was the, the sin,that that was it.
Like if you stepped over this,then you were done, even though
(15:41):
I know God's God of forgivenessand I know these things.
But this was like no, you can'tdo this, right, oh?
you know what I'm understanding,like you can't come back from
this.
This is too far gone and wewere far apart at this point,
not necessarily, you know,physically, but spiritually,
emotionally, like we were.
(16:02):
We were done, we were done.
So I called her back, asked herif there was any chance we
could work this out and thatreally started this process of
wow, this rollercoaster ride ofreconciliation and rebuilding
trust and and getting gettingemotionally connected together
(16:24):
again, getting physicallyconnected, spiritually connected
.
It really just and it was arollercoaster, you know, I wish
I could say it was perfect.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
What are you talking?
Speaker 4 (16:33):
to immediately.
I wish I could say that Iwalked through that door.
You know, 100% changed right.
I wish I could say that.
And I?
I wasn't.
I was on the right track, but Istill had to detox and I didn't
(16:54):
have to detox.
I didn't do drugs or anythinglike that.
My detox was physical detox andit was removing myself from,
from people calling me, removingmyself from friendships that
I've made, and and then and thenthe pornography.
This was all a detox processand I and I look back and I get
(17:15):
so mad at myself because I'mlike God met me.
I didn't want to be met, Ididn't want to be met and he met
me.
And you know for me not to justimmediately do a 180 and step
away from everything I've neverunderstood and maybe someone
(17:38):
listening is the same way as Iwas I never understood the you
know jesus leaving the 99 to goafter the one.
Yeah, never made sense to mebecause it's like what about the
99?
Speaker 3 (17:59):
But that's what it felt like is that he left the 99
to go get you?
Yeah, you were the one, yeah.
Speaker 4 (18:06):
And so I I that's what I'm saying.
It's like our you know thisministry.
It was an obligation that Ifeel and it's the only way that
I could really boast about whatGod continues to do in our lives
.
But I was still broken so much,and Lisa was broken too, and I
(18:27):
had done all that to her, allthat to her.
And so it was this, this road,and I wish we could give you,
like here's, the three steps toin a month, your marriage is
going to be awesome.
It wasn't like that.
There was a road that we had towalk together, and there was
times where Lisa definitely hadto choose to continue to stay.
(18:51):
There was times where I waslike what, what is God?
Even?
Why did he meet me on the sideof the road?
If this is what's going on, ifthis is what I'm going to have
to deal with the rest of my life, not against her, but against
things I was still continuing todo.
And so that was.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
It was a yeah, I mean the crazy thing about it even
is an hour after Brad called me,which was a miracle that I had
prayed for for months and monthsand months, because I really
was a person who, before thisall happened, I had an idea in
my head that if something likethis happened which it never
would, obviously Right, but ifit did I would I would never
(19:33):
stick around.
I would be gone, like why wouldyou ever stick around for
something like that?
And so, when everything cameout, I was really shocked by
what God did in my life in thatmoment, which was this idea of
reconciliation and forgivenessbeing just planted within me
(19:53):
really quickly.
Honestly, I felt like God gaveme the closest I've ever had to.
What I feel was a vision wasjust this moment where I saw
Brad on the ground on his knees,and I felt like, just for a
fraction of a second, what Ifelt like was the Lord's love
for Brad.
It was just like a glimpse,just just like the tiniest
(20:14):
little glimpse, and it wasoverwhelming and it helped me to
see him in a way that, um,superseded what my human
reaction?
Really not that I, anyonelistening to this, please
understand I had all the humanreactions that you normally have
with something like this.
I was mad, I was angry at God.
I was, you know, did notunderstand how in the world that
I could be in this spot, likethere was just.
(20:36):
No, there's nothing that madesense to me about how we were at
, where we were at.
You know people will tell youlike, well, can you look back
and see where all the littlecracks and things like that?
Yes, can I say that at thispoint, our youngest, our third,
was nine months old, and that'salways a weird time, right, when
you are navigating babies, andyou know.
(20:57):
So, yeah, you feel a little bitmore disconnected because,
quite frankly, you, you don'teven feel like you're yourself
yet, right, but other than that,no, there wasn't all of these
signs and cracks that were justevident in our life, and so I
was just kind of left with this.
You know, what I felt was areally solid future, at least
aspects of it, right, that werejust crumbling before me.
(21:20):
And you know, typically youhear stories like this and a
betray, betrayer and betrayed,right, usually the betrayed is
trying to come home, and youknow then someone's like no, you
can't come home, right, to comehome.
And you know then someone'slike no, you can't come home
Right.
And for me, I was wanting, like,let's do this, let's, let's
navigate what this looks like.
And Brad was unwilling toreconcile, you know, of course,
(21:41):
there was all of these thingsthat were going on in his head
and in his life and he wasn'tready to let go of those things.
So God had to take me through aprocess of surrender that was
gut-wrenching, because it'sreally hard to let go of
something that's good Right, andmy marriage was good Right.
And I felt like, okay, well,god, I'm willing to do this
(22:02):
thing.
So, like, let's do this, likeI'll, I'll take the miracle, now
make it happen.
And you know, god had to justwalk me through this process of
what it looked like to take myfingers off of something that I
was grasping hold of so tightly.
Did not think that I wassomebody who liked control till
I had no control Right.
(22:24):
And all of a sudden I'm like Ilike it Isn't that how it
usually comes out right.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
That's how it usually comes out when you lose it.
That's when you realize howmuch that you know it's like,
yeah, that's a glaring picture,yeah.
That's how it goes, for sure,yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
He really walked me through Um, and I would feel
like at this time in my life too, it's when my faith really
became a walking faith, if thatmakes sense, like it was no
longer something that I was, youknow.
Yes, I was invested.
Yes, I believed all thosethings.
Now it was, I was desperate forit.
It was this desperate hungerafter what God was saying, what
(23:04):
he was doing and his truth,cause I needed truth, I really
just needed to be saturated intruth.
And so he walked me throughthat journey and, even as I
wanted to have two weeks bymyself with just a scream in the
woods I think that's where Iwhat I felt I look at it as
God's grace that I had thesethree little kids that needed an
(23:24):
intense amount of attention andlove, even though I didn't
necessarily feel like it wasGod's grace at that time, but
that it allowed me to see joy inthe middle of the most painful
things.
Right, I mean, how can you lookat a chubby, nine-month-old,
smiling baby and not smile?
Right, you get a chance and theopportunity, the daily routine
(23:46):
of life that requires you tolive.
There was aspects of that thatwere God's grace in that time,
and then he called me to forgivein the middle of all of that
that were God's grace in thattime.
And then he called me toforgive in the middle of all of
that, and this was when Brad wasstill in the doing everything
right, which I felt was veryunfair.
So I was reading a book and itreally came.
(24:08):
It really was just like thisbright light for me where it was
like, well, you can choose whoyou're going to be.
You're going to be a bitter anddiscouraged woman, or you can
forgive and you can overcome.
And I really felt like that wasmy fork in the road right.
I could see the seeds ofbitterness taking root in my
life.
That was not who I was Like.
I normally I am a positiveperspective, glass half full
(24:31):
kind of person, but I theunfairness of this definitely
was propelling me towards justreally living in discouragement
and bitterness and watching whatI felt was my entire life just
kind of imploding in front of me.
And so God asked me to do thosethings in the middle of the
(24:52):
mess and he taught me a thing ortwo about forgiveness, right,
and all these misconceptionsthat we have around forgiveness
which is like, well, I can'tforgive you until you've, like,
paid a price, right, I can'tforgive you until you ask for it
, I can't forgive you until I'msafe, Like all of these things
that God had to, you know,really walk me through because
it was for me.
(25:12):
Ultimately, forgiveness was forme, it was for me to release
all of the things that werecontrolling my mind and heart,
that were not healthy for me.
So he walked me through thatand then I'll tell you this Um,
I really was surprised by thefact that I had to do that over
and over and over and over againbecause thought, once I did it
and I took that step ofobedience, that I would just be
(25:33):
able to release it, that andsurrender both of those things.
I found very, you know,surprising.
I guess I had to do thatcontinually.
Right, lord, I've surrenderedit, pick it back up.
I surrendered it, pick it backup.
It's just very interesting howGod, I feel like, is always
continually teaching us thoselessons on surrender and what
(25:55):
that looks like.
So God was doing this wholeprocess with me before that
phone call that Brad gave thatnight.
And, honestly, because I hadbeen praying and I had been, you
know, at this point I was justpraying for his salvation I
really had had stopped puttingmy hope in the fact that our
marriage was going to bereconciled.
(26:16):
I was just like God, revealyourself to him, like helping to
turn to you, no matter what.
I knew that I wanted a man whowas going to be in my children's
life as a, as a good father, nomatter what.
And so I had to even change theway that I was praying, because
at first it was just, like youknow, hit him upside the head,
you know.
(26:37):
And so God had to kind of shiftthe way that I was praying
Right.
And when he did call me and whenwe did have this miracle, an
hour later our, our divorceattorney called and said papers
are ready, the judge just needsto sign them.
I did not have enough faith inthat moment to say rip the
papers up.
I said, just hold on.
(26:57):
I mean, that was that was likeall the faith that I had in the
world was just to tell him tojust hold on to the papers.
And then I really did expectBrad to kind of come in as this
miraculously changed individual.
I mean I'm like okay, like I'min the middle of the miracle now
, like this miracle that I'veprayed for, he's going to come
(27:19):
in and we're going to be able tohave these like intense
spiritual conversations abouteverything that's happened in
the last, you know, nine monthsof our lives.
And instead it was eggshells,right?
And it was us looking at eachother Like we knew each other
forever and didn't know eachother at all, and I'm afraid to
(27:40):
say you know what we were reallythinking or what we were really
feeling, cause instead of ithelping us to heal, it was just
taking us both into a pit andjust like sitting in there,
right?
So walking through the healingprocess was definitely an
opportunity for both of us tolearn a lot about our individual
walks with Christ.
Still, that's a lot to say, butthere, there you have it.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
What I love about your story, though, is that it
you know it's.
It's one of the things thatthat we've tried to teach people
also is that they have to beresponsible for their walk with
the Lord.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Right Yep.
Speaker 3 (28:18):
And that's the key, that's the main thing.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (28:22):
And from there God leads and guides.
And, yes, it's a rocky roadsometimes.
Yes, it's really really hard,but when the Lord is leading and
you're attending to your ownwalk with the Lord, then
miracles do happen, don't they?
Miracles do happen.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
And last month our interview was with a man named
Randy Pryor, who had a storythat was similar to yours.
The difference is he wasn'table to reconcile.
He was, but he continues toteach from his perspective.
Surrender your life to the Lordand let God do what he wants to
do, because you have to makesure that you're doing what God
(29:05):
wants you to do before you canever be the spouse that you
should be.
And so what did that processlook like for the two of you?
I'm so grateful that that Godbrought you to a place of
reconciliation reconciliation.
I'm so grateful that you knowyour marriage won out and it
survived, because that doesn'talways happen.
And but, but here we know theprocess can be messy, and so
(29:29):
it's okay if you don't share allthe steps of the messy.
But what were, what were thethings that god did to bring you
back to a place where yourmarriage is what it is today?
Speaker 1 (29:41):
like we said, it was super easy and yeah I'm not sure
why, so that yeah unicornsright man, I think there were so
many things that you know, weour number one piece of advice,
exactly like you said, as wetell people, your individual
pursuit of Christ is the key.
(30:03):
That is our biggest piece ofadvice because, no matter what
you need that, you absolutelyunequivocally need that and we
needed that for both of ourhealing.
I mean, brad can talk about hisbattle with shame through all
that, but for us, like thatreconnecting side of things,
(30:23):
yeah, it was messy, it wasn'tperfect.
It was us getting to know,almost like a, two new people,
right, but at this point, twonew people who were both very
broken.
So I would say the few thingsthat we did right right away was
because we moved immediately,which was, you know, always tell
(30:44):
people, don't do anything majorin the first year you know, and
God used that.
I'm so forever grateful when Ilook back at how God just
surrounded us with levels ofgrace that we didn't even know
we needed during that time.
And, you know, even when I lookback at financial decisions
that we were making, you know,because you just stopped caring
(31:06):
about things that you normallywould care about right Like
because this is so front andcenter, you know, you're so
focused in emotionally, likethat's taking all of your
capacity right then to just heal.
So we got connected with alocal church right away and you
know it was truly a God ordainedmoment and church and we
(31:27):
decided right away that we weregoing to meet with the pastor
and we were going to be upfrontabout who we were and what we
were going through.
Decided right away that we weregoing to meet with the pastor
and we were going to be upfrontabout who we were and what we
were going through.
I think that was a really bigdeal for both of us because the
local pastor breathed hope overus in that moment Hope is so
powerful.
Speaker 4 (31:45):
He didn't even bat an eye at the story Like that was
the first time I had ever sharedour story and it wasn't.
It probably wasn't exactly whatI did today.
No, no.
But it was.
It was like we're both justtrying to get through this.
And I remember thinking likeI'm waiting for him to just have
(32:06):
this.
You know, judgment face.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
You're in the back row for the rest of your life,
yeah kind of deal right, and itwasn't.
Speaker 4 (32:12):
It was just this hope .
And he saw.
I wish I can remember exactlywhat he said.
I don't even know if heremembered we still are close
with them but he said somethingto the effect of like I could
see where God can take you right, I could see what he could do
(32:33):
with you, do in you, right.
And so it was.
It was, it was hope over us.
And you know also, we didn't do, we didn't seek counseling, we
didn't seek we don't recommendanything I'm saying right now
other than get connected to yourlocal church.
But we did.
We didn't seek anyone out forhelp.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
We felt so isolated.
Speaker 4 (32:57):
We did, and I don't know there was.
There, for sure were resourcesfor this.
I don't know if it was asprevalent as it is now, but for
sure there were resources, butwe didn't.
I know.
For me it didn't even cross mymind, because I was.
I was drowning in shame, likedrowning in it.
Even though God had deliveredme, I was still just drowning in
(33:17):
shame, and so I don't.
I don't even know if it crossedyour mind to go.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
It did.
But you know anytime thatyou're talking about counseling,
coaching, any kind of thing,it's only as effective as what
you can actually do in thereright, how honest as you can be,
as willing as you are to do thework.
I think in that moment Irecognize we were not in a space
where that was going to be thebest avenue, in that moment,
(33:44):
that we had some, but it wouldhave probably been very helpful
if we had actually gone.
Speaker 4 (33:48):
But I think, like during this time, yes, I was
pursuing my walk with Christ.
Right, I was.
I was trying to learn to dothat.
I didn't know what that lookedlike and and it wasn't you know,
I'm not going to blame myparents or my grandparents or
uncle, it wasn't anything likethat, it was just that I was
always in it.
So I didn't realize, like, well, what is this to really put
(34:13):
like, to really dive into this,how do I do this?
And so I was learning that andI was messing up, still messing
up on stupid things, stilltrying to like shake all this
stuff off.
And it wasn't I don't know howmany, what, like maybe a year, I
don't even know the timeframe,but I finally got connected in a
(34:33):
, in a men's.
It was like a, it was a virtual, it was a nationwide like
virtual men's thing.
And I got connected in that andI started just doing the
devotions they were setting outand really, one big thing and
something we tell couples allthe time when they start doing
this is I started memorizingscripture, you know, and I think
(34:57):
it's a lost I don't likeputting it like this, but I
think it's a lost art and butit's something that I dealt with
a lot of temptations.
Still right, I was still, I wasstill traveling for work, I
still had the same job, we werestill going out and doing stuff
and and around the country,right, not just, you know, in
and out, just you know, the Eastcoast, west coast, all over the
(35:21):
place.
And so during that time it waslike I would still have
temptations that I'd have todeal with.
And it wasn't until I had this,you know, epiphany, really this
God moment where Jesus foughttemptation by repeating, by
memorizing scripture, bybasically just fighting it with
scripture.
And it hit me.
(35:42):
I'd heard that story countlesstimes, like I had heard that
story from the pulpit, I'd heardit in Sunday school, I'd heard
it all over the place.
But it hit me then because I'mlike the perfect man to ever
walk the earth right, sinless,perfect.
And he fought temptation withscripture.
(36:03):
And I'm like me.
Why am I not doing that?
So I started memorizingscripture to combat temptation.
I didn't do, you know, behaviormodifications or anything like
that, where you know like, oh,I'm going to go run, you know,
go go get my workout in, so Idon't have to be tempted.
I didn't do that because I didsee, even though in my infancy
(36:24):
of of breaking this shame andtemptation, I did see that as
more of a bandaid for me than itwas of actual like.
No, I want to.
I want to change my heart and Iknow if I can transform this,
if God can train, I can't do it.
I know if God can work thisthrough me then I won't be
(36:45):
tempted.
Now I look at that part of mylife and it is.
It's disgusting when I thinkabout it.
It really is.
It makes me like I don't havethose urges, those.
I don't look that way becauseit just really is like something
that I don't want in my life atall.
(37:05):
But through that, the biggestthing I learned memorizing
scripture, and then my priority,and still is to this day, is
God, is Jesus.
That is my priority.
There's nothing else that getsin the way.
That is my sole priority, andthroughout the day and this is
because of years of you- know,Didn't start off this way,
(37:28):
didn't start off this way.
Please don't hear that.
This is from years of walkingthis out and and my discipline,
like God, working on mydiscipline and pushing me,
reading the Bible, doingdevotions.
This is years of it.
But I I used to say get yourpriorities right.
And then some good friends ofours were like, do you know that
(37:50):
the word priorities waspluralized just in recent
history?
And I was like, yeah, it makessense, because the definition
doesn't even make it pluralright.
And so that really hit me.
And now it's like no, I don'tprior, my priorities aren't
aligned.
My priority is aligned and itis my walk with Christ.
It is my daily devotions.
I saturate my life daily nowwith Jesus.
(38:13):
I listen to Caleb.
I didn't used to listen toCaleb, it used to bother me so
much, I just really did.
And now like that's all.
That's on my in my car or I'mplaying Christian music through
my phone, whatever it is.
But I want to saturate my daywith Jesus, like I want to start
the day out with him and gothroughout my day.
(38:34):
I have things I have to do forwork, I can't walk around and
just, you know, read the Bibleall day, but in a realistic way
I saturate my life with him andI want to end my day with him.
And because of all that, my like, the line of what I'm
responsible for, what God hasgiven me, has fallen into place.
(38:57):
It doesn't mean that it'sperfect and it doesn't mean that
it's not hard, but it's falleninto place, right?
My wife, then my kids, mymarriage, then my kids.
You know, then, it's just this.
It just everything falls inplace and because of him I'm
able to lead like I need to lead, and and we're able to.
(39:19):
You know, our ministry iscalled Unrelenting Pursuit, for
a reason I haven't stopped mypursuit of since then right, I
can't say before, but since thenI haven't stopped my pursuit,
my personal pursuit with Christ.
I haven't stopped my pursuit tobe a better husband through him
, to be a better father throughhim, to be a better man through
(39:43):
him, and I constantly want topursue Lisa.
So we want an unrelated pursuitin all aspects of our life
pointing towards Christ.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
Yeah, and the more that I saw that in him, the more
that I was able to navigate,obviously, the fear and all
those things that were thebattle in my own mind that was
really taking place, theownership I wanted to have over
his behavior right.
I wanted you know, whether ornot it was good or bad, there
was a level of ownership that Iwanted to take right.
(40:15):
Somehow it was myresponsibility, and the more
that I saw him lean into Christ,the more I could see that in
myself and that process ofsurrender again, where I can't
own his behavior right.
There's, there's no level ofanything I can do that makes
Brad a better man.
Brad has to be a better manbecause that is who he is called
(40:36):
to be and ultimately that's hisrelationship with Christ that
that compels that.
You know, we developed theguardrails, we developed
accountability.
We walked out those steps right, that God showed us along the
way.
Right Cause we were going to dowhat we, whatever we could do.
We were going to live likenobody else so that we could
have our life like nobody else.
(40:56):
Like Dave Ramsey says aboutmoney, right, we were going to
do that with our marriage.
We were going to set some, someruthless standards that we were
going to abide in in order toprotect what we value most, and
that's been a really beautifulpicture of how we've been able
to connect again.
And I will tell you just tokind of give that hope carrier
message, right Our marriage isbetter than either one of us
(41:20):
could ever imagine that it couldbe.
We have definitely faced thethings that should have broken
us and we have walked out thethat got.
Reconciliation is God's business.
It's literally who he is Right,and so he entrusts us that
ministry.
He entrusts us with a ministryof reconciliation.
(41:41):
So our marriage, like our lives, we get a chance to just live
that out.
It is so possible If you guysare willing to do the work, if
you guys pursue Christ the twoof you it's unbelievable what
God can do in those places.
It's amazing, and we havegotten to live that out, and so
(42:03):
that's that's really why we haveunrelenting pursuit, why we do
what we do, because we get achance to have that front row
seat to continue to see what Godcan do.
Not that every story has thismagical ending, because that's
not what it is, but our heart isto see people ultimately
recognize that Jesus has themthat there is hope for their
(42:23):
future.
No matter whether or not theirmarriage in and of itself is
saved, there is still hope.
Speaker 3 (42:30):
I love that hope message.
I think that that is justthat's something that couples
really, in fact, not justcouples, that is something that
people in general need to hear,and so because it's just such an
important, important message,yeah, there's hope in Christ and
I also appreciate sharing that.
Speaker 2 (42:49):
You know, growing up in church your whole life, but
coming to a place where yourealize that God was calling you
into a very personalrelationship with Jesus Christ
and taking ownership not only ofthe things that were going on
in your life but of thatresponsibility to surrender,
humbly surrender, to the Lord,jesus Christ, what a powerful
(43:11):
thing.
And you know, I know thatthere's couples who are
listening right now who arestill, you know, still in the
struggle.
They're still in the hurt,they're still dealing with some
of the things that lead to shame.
And the message of hope thatyou've shared today is really,
really powerful and I'm reallygrateful for it.
But then also, what would youtell that couple who says we're
(43:33):
in the process of trying toreconcile, we're in the process
of working this out, but theyjust don't understand what the
timeframe is going to be?
What did you?
Speaker 4 (43:44):
learn.
Speaker 2 (43:45):
Because I know, I know I'm kind of lobbing this
one to you, because we know that, um, you know it's not one of
those things, just like youcan't get three steps, there's
not a specific time.
But what did you learn aboutGod's timing through what he's
done in your relationship?
Speaker 4 (44:00):
Oh, I mean, it's God's timing is perfect.
Yeah, um, but you want to rushit.
Um, but you want to rush it I?
Yes, to give a little example,I, I really did not heal, heal
(44:25):
from my shame until just acouple of years ago.
It really it was something thatI didn't realize that was
eating away at me, but that wasjust a couple of years ago.
And and that that while I wasspending time with God, while I
was praying that this, you knowhe's speaking to me and just
making me realize.
You know that I need to let itgo Right and really speak it to
me that way.
But you know, that's, I guess,his timing's perfect, even
(44:47):
though, as humans, we want torush it, but through, even
though I wish that everythingwould have been done quickly and
we would have been like happilyever after, immediately, there
was such healing and learningthrough our walk yeah through
all the trials we went through,through me not fully giving up
(45:09):
everything through.
You know, lisa, learning to letgo of control and and doing all
these things.
There was so much in there thatwe learned that now.
Yes, I do wish it would havebeen shorter, but looking back
it was perfect.
Speaker 3 (45:23):
Yeah, that was part of the equipping that.
God has done in your life foryour ministry.
Absolutely, that's what.
Speaker 1 (45:30):
I was going to say there's purpose in the process.
That would be my encouragementto someone listening.
I think what we have seenhappen with couples is when you
try to rush through the processright, you become satisfied with
halfway healing.
And that's not what God has foryou.
There's this element that youhave to walk through.
(45:52):
There are lessons that you haveto learn.
I would love to tell you thatyou're going to be just stick
with it for six months and it'sall going to be great.
We often say that there'salways something else that needs
to be healed.
I thought I was just going tosay there's always something
else, right, god's alwaysshowing you something else,
(46:16):
another layer, like that's,that's life, it's just part of
it.
Not that we're just sittingthere like with this gaping
wound that we're still dealingwith from infidelity.
It's more just like who we areas individuals, the things that
we need to address, like how weparent, how we operate in our
marriage, who we are as people.
Right, there's this level ofrecognition that our pursuit has
to also be our unrelentingpursuit of growth which means
there's always something else toheal from.
(46:36):
Like that's, that's the reality.
I think that's why we walkthrough this life with this,
with this, you know, heavenlymindset, right, the eternal
perspective, because it's nevergoing to be perfect here on
earth, that's okay.
Speaker 3 (46:52):
But the unrelenting ripple effect like that's the
vision that comes to mind isthis ripple effect that God is
is providing because of thethings that you have gone
through.
You know your children aregoing to have examples and
encouragement from you guys.
That wouldn't be there had younot gone through the same thing.
(47:14):
You know the things that you'regoing to be able to teach them
when they're old enough to startdating and start picking a
husband or a wife.
You know, and all the thingsthis is going to be, this wealth
of information.
God has a testimony for you andit was about all the things
that you have gone through.
(47:36):
That's all part of thetestimony, and they couldn't
have saved you from that,because that was God's intention
for you to know the things thatyou know right.
How you learn them might havebeen different, but it was.
Speaker 2 (47:51):
God's intention for you to know the things that you
know right and so you know, eventhough we we uh have our hearts
broken because of the pain thatthat is gone through, and for
our listeners right now, ifyou're going through those
difficult things, our hearts arebroken, that you have to go
through the pain.
However, those things that thatGod will do in the midst of it
(48:13):
are things that are amazing.
We get to see God's word playedout in practical reality where,
even in the midst of ourhardest day, god works all
things together for the good ofthose who love him, who are
called according to his purpose.
And so, again, just love theLord and as you love the Lord.
It's not going to stop thatthere's pain in the process, but
(48:37):
you'll get to see, as youshared, there's purpose in the
process and we're reallygrateful for that.
And today we're just sothankful that Brad and Elisa
Valencia have joined us and wewant to encourage you.
If you'd like to hear about thecoaching they provide or you'd
like to listen to theUnrelenting Pursuit podcast, go
(48:58):
to their website,unrelentingpursuitorg, and we'll
make sure that those are linkedin the show notes.
But again, thank you so muchfor joining us today.
On the Vision Driven Marriage.
Speaker 1 (49:09):
Absolutely Thanks for having us.
It was awesome.
Speaker 2 (49:15):
Thank much for joining us today on the Vision
Driven Marriage Absolutely.
Thanks for having us.
It was awesome.
Thank you guys Love it.
And again for those of youwho've been listening, we want
to encourage you not only to letGod speak to you and for you to
seek after God's will for yourown life, but we want you to
know that we continue to praythat God will solidify your
marriage.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis,again thanking Brad and Lisa
Valencia.
This is the Vision DrivenMarriage.
God bless you.
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
(00:28):
strengthen your marriage.
Welcome to the Vision DrivenMarriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
We're really excited about thecouple that we get to share with
you all today.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Today we've invited Brad and Lisa Valencia from
Unrelenting Pursuit, and they'regoing to share their story with
us.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Welcome.
We're glad that you're with ustoday.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Thank you for having us we're thrilled to be here.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
Bren and Lisa tell us a little bit about how you got
into marriage ministry and whatthat means for you.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Oh okay, how we got into marriage.
Ministry is my lovely husband.
We were leading groups atchurch and we'd been really
involved in that area for quitea while and God had kind of
planted some things in my heartover the years that I had just
kind of sat on but had neververbalized.
And my husband comes home oneday and he tells me we should be
(01:21):
writing a book, doing a podcastand starting on social media.
And I just gave him a deadpanlook because I was so in shock.
Honestly, we find it's a loteasier or for me I find it much
easier to share from pain thanit is to share from shame.
So I really never thought thatmy husband would come alongside
(01:41):
in such a public way to reallyshare the darkest parts of our
story so publicly.
So I did not respond well.
Speaker 4 (01:50):
No, she didn't.
She totally like kind of blewme off.
I just I think God put it on myheart because I'm the shameful
side If you guys had to pickthat up there.
I think God put that on myheart because, now that I've
learned, I think it's selfishand you have an obligation to
share the miracles that God'sdone in your life, and
(02:15):
especially in ours, and so tohold it and keep it, even if it
was painful to share it over andover to me.
There was almost a sense ofarrogance around not sharing it.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
I don't know if that makes sense.
Speaker 4 (02:29):
It was just something that was put on my heart, and I
think that the more I've grown,the more I've realized the
reason why.
And, um, like I have no prideanymore, but it's, it's, um,
it's our obligation to God'sdone such a work in our life.
For us to hold on to it is it'sunfair.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
That's how I feel.
That is awesome, and not justbecause you're sharing your
testimony.
But I know that there may be,you know, some couples who are
listening to this podcast todaywho realize that a little
element of what you're going toshare is something that they may
either be going through or arecoming out of.
And the reason it's soimportant for you to you know,
(03:13):
to acknowledge that God's givenyou this opportunity to share
and that he broke down.
You know, all of those walls ofpride are because there's
somebody, there's some couplewho's very similar to you who
right now desperately needs toknow that God can bring healing
to their marriage.
With you sharing what God'sdone in your marriage.
(03:35):
What an awesome thing, becausethat person who needs hope might
be able to borrow the hope thatthey find that you found until
they can see what God's going todo in their relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
That's our whole intention that we get to be the
hope that they find that youfound, until they can see what
God's going to do in theirrelationship.
That's our, that's our wholeintention, that we get to be the
hope carriers.
You know, if God can do it forus, he can do it for you, which
is like a really beautifulpicture of who God is.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
And so God has provided a lot of redemption in
your marriage.
Tell us a little bit about that.
What have you guys overcome inyour marriage?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
I'm going to summarize the first 10 years in
about 30 seconds and then I justhand it over to Brennan.
So I would say that we had feltlike we had a really good
marriage.
We were married for 10 years,had three kids, you know, in the
career, the house, all thethings that you quote, unquote
are the right things to have agood marriage.
Going to church, both believedin the Lord, we were checking
(04:31):
all of the boxes and we alwayssay we emphasize this part of it
that we had a what we felt wasa good marriage.
Because I think when mostcouples, if they even think
about the idea of facingsomething like we walked through
, they just automatically assumethat you had a really bad
marriage and so we want toremove that right away because
we are all very capable offailing.
(04:53):
So we just want to make surethat we preface that.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
So and then now I just hand it to's.
I don't even know where tobegin.
I mean, like Lisa said, we hadeverything.
If you saw us from the outside,it was, you know, little kids
building a family.
(05:20):
You know the whole Americandream kind of deal.
You know the whole americandream kind of deal.
And, um, I, I grew up in church.
So that's something I want tolike emphasize to people
listening before I get deep intomy testimonies or our testimony
.
I grew up in church, like myuncles, my grandfather they're
(05:42):
all pastors or were pastors Likethis is something that I
literally slept on pews underpews when I was little.
Like this is.
I grew up in the church sayingthat I knew all the answers, but
I didn't have my own personalrelationship, I would say,
rooted and grounded my faith,right, what jesus really means.
(06:06):
So in 2011, wow, it's been.
It's been a little while.
Yeah, so in 2011, I, uh,through work I was, I was able
to get on a this, this unit andwe travel around the nation
doing different things and Iwould get deployed.
And then come home and getdeployed and come home, well,
well, a few of these deployments.
(06:26):
You know, it's not like themilitary, where the deployments
are like years or anything likethat.
These were a couple of monthslong here and there, and during
that time I started tocompromise a lot of my beliefs.
Really, that's what it camedown to.
I really just started tocompromise little bits and
pieces of what I stood for,because I wasn't grounded and
(06:48):
rooted in what I needed to beRight.
So I just started off very small.
So it was starting off withgoing out for dinner and then
maybe having a couple of drinksand that was it, and then go
back to my hotel room.
And then that progressed alittle bit further and then I
get back to my hotel room andthen, as this is all progressing
(07:11):
, these are like these littlesteps that I started taking to
where I started looking atpornography and to me it was
justifiable.
It's okay I was away from myfamily, like this is better than
quote unquote, better thangoing out and physically doing
this right.
This is something Irationalized in my head.
(07:31):
I think a lot of people do.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
It's a slippery slope , isn't it Exactly?
Speaker 4 (07:36):
And it's not.
That's not true.
So to get that out there rightnow, that's not true.
So that progressed and Istarted even during that, when
I'd stay out later I'd startlying to Lisa and just telling
her like, oh, I'm going to go tobed and then I would go back
out.
And so it was a very it was aweird time.
(08:00):
It was something I've neverdone before.
It just started, you know, butagain it was these slow
compromises that I made Right,so it wasn't like I woke up out
of bed one day and said I'mgoing to throw my family away
and I'm going to walk away fromall this, and then I just went
and did it.
And I would argue that no oneever does that, that there's
always small steps in the wrongdirection, and so that's what I
(08:22):
was doing.
And then, as that progressedand I started staying out later,
the enemy knows how to get youright.
And and I still deal withinsecurities to this day.
And I would argue that there'smen out there that say they
don't and they do, but I, Istill deal with insecurities
today.
But then there was.
It was a big, a big thing in mylife, and so, overcompensating
(08:47):
that, and the enemy knows how toget you.
He fed on those insecuritiesand so me thinking I wasn't
wanted by other people, thenthat was something that was
happening and being noticed.
And then you know women comingup to me and talking to me and
me entertaining that, and I wasalso putting myself in, you know
(09:11):
, places I don't go and I wasputting myself in areas that
I've never really hung out.
I never used to go to bars, Inever used to go to these clubs
and do all these things.
And I started doing all thatthese clubs and do all these
things and I started doing allthat and so then that progressed
to the.
It wasn't that big of a jump tophysically stepping out on my
(09:34):
family right, physicallyinviting women and doing all
these things, and so going fromstaying out and compromising my
little bits here and there tofull blown adultery.
I mean, there's a timeline there, but it wasn't that big of a
jump and I think people don'trealize what they're dabbling in
when they start compromisingthese little things.
(09:56):
You know, since we've startedthis ministry, we've learned so
much in the realm of church,specifically where there is the
pornography problem that's aquiet, secret, sin Right and and
and we have, you know, otherministries that we've linked up
to that.
We've learned a lot about this,but people don't think it's
that big of a deal.
(10:16):
But it's actually a huge deal.
It's it.
It just.
It tears you apart, it changesyour mental capacity, it changes
everything about you.
So I lived this for I don'tknow my timelines.
It's horrible.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
I can remember everything.
Speaker 4 (10:30):
Yeah, she remembers everything.
I mean that's how it goes.
But I kept this secret and Iwould travel back home, keeping
the secret, basically living twolives and one day because God
know this, god always revealsthe truth, always it's always
going to come out, and thathappened.
(10:50):
And so Lisa found out and in myhead, as soon as she found out
I was, I was kicked out of thehouse and all those things.
I think there's a little bit ofa gray area there, but the end
result was me leaving the homeand I started bumming couches
and hanging out and surroundingpeople, surrounding myself with
(11:12):
people that were encouraging mybehavior and I'm in the first
responder world and so it's notthat uncommon to get a divorce.
And so it was thisencouragement of like, oh well,
this just happens, you know, andyou're just going to deal with
it.
And in my head, everybody wasgoing to be fine, right, the
Lisa and the kids were going tobe fine, I was going to be fine,
(11:33):
we were just going to go ourseparate ways.
And during this time, I wantednothing to do with God, nothing,
and everything I did was toturn my back on him and run the
other way.
Every single thing I did Didn'twant to talk to my parents,
because I didn't want them totalk to me about you're doing
something bad, you know, but youknow the whole thing.
Even if they were doing it in asoft way, I didn't want to hear
(11:56):
it.
I didn't want to hear Lisatalking to me about anything
like that.
I didn't want to hear any of it.
I just wanted to keep livingthis lie, because that's what it
was.
It was just a lie.
And as this kept going on, I wasdriving home from another,
another weekend of, you know,doing whatever I wanted, right,
(12:19):
doing anything.
But there was no hint of God inme, right?
I wasn't thinking of him, Iwasn't listening to anything, I
didn't want any of that.
So I just spent another weekendof just partying up, doing
whatever I wanted, and I wasdriving back to where I was
staying at that point and therewas a long drive and as I was
driving back again, listening toI don't know what song,
(12:42):
whatever song it wasn'tChristian, you know, had nothing
like that I was justreminiscing, like, what I had
done over the weekend.
And just, you know, what am Igoing to have to do tomorrow?
Kind of deal.
And I had this.
I call it my road to Damascusexperience, and it wasn't.
You know, there wasn't like theclouds split open and a light
shines on my car and stops on mycar.
(13:03):
It was nothing like that, butit was just this heaviness of
God right there and it was achoice he gave me and it wasn't.
I wish it was audible, that'dbe a really cool story, right,
but it wasn't.
It wasn't audible.
Audible, but it was the loudestthing I had ever heard.
And he just gave me a choice onthe side of the road and he
(13:25):
said you can choose to keepgoing the way you're going,
that's up to you, or you canjust turn back to me.
So it wasn't turn back to me andmy family's restored and in you
know, 12 years we have thisministry that he's given us and
all these opportunities.
It was nothing like that.
It was just literally, keepgoing down the path you're going
(13:48):
or turn to me.
And during that choice, youknow I'm I'm pulled over the
side of the road at this pointand I'm emotional wreck and I
felt this imminent death.
Right, you know, we all knowwe're all going to die.
You know that's not, but thiswas more of a.
(14:11):
You know, sin leads to death.
Yes, but this felt very, itfelt like my last chance, even
though I know that God's a Godof chances, right, like he will
be there, he wants to give usevery opportunity we can.
But this truly did feel likethis was it.
And it wasn't.
I didn't feel a pressure toturn back to him, it was just
(14:35):
this matter of fact, here's yourchoice.
And so clearly I mean there'sno, there's no surprise I did
turn back to him, or else Iwouldn't be standing here right
now.
And so clearly I mean there'sno, there's no surprise I did
turn back to him, or else Iwouldn't be standing here right
now.
But I did, I just turned backto him and I was just, you know,
asked for forgiveness and I'mjust bawling and I don't know
what to do next.
(14:56):
And so my next phone callbecause I didn't know who, even
who reached out to was Lisa.
And again it was like what forme?
What's okay?
I turned back to him what's thenext thing I can do of all this
stuff that I've messed up?
And so then I just asked Lisaif there was a way that we could
even work this out.
You know, this is by this pointwe had met with lawyers, we had
(15:20):
signed divorce papers, we haddone all that.
We were just waiting for ajudge to sign it.
We, we were so far gone.
And then I grew up and I thinka lot of us grew up this way
where this was the, the sin,that that was it.
Like if you stepped over this,then you were done, even though
(15:41):
I know God's God of forgivenessand I know these things.
But this was like no, you can'tdo this, right, oh?
you know what I'm understanding,like you can't come back from
this.
This is too far gone and wewere far apart at this point,
not necessarily, you know,physically, but spiritually,
emotionally, like we were.
(16:02):
We were done, we were done.
So I called her back, asked herif there was any chance we
could work this out and thatreally started this process of
wow, this rollercoaster ride ofreconciliation and rebuilding
trust and and getting gettingemotionally connected together
(16:24):
again, getting physicallyconnected, spiritually connected
.
It really just and it was arollercoaster, you know, I wish
I could say it was perfect.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
What are you talking?
Speaker 4 (16:33):
to immediately.
I wish I could say that Iwalked through that door.
You know, 100% changed right.
I wish I could say that.
And I?
I wasn't.
I was on the right track, but Istill had to detox and I didn't
(16:54):
have to detox.
I didn't do drugs or anythinglike that.
My detox was physical detox andit was removing myself from,
from people calling me, removingmyself from friendships that
I've made, and and then and thenthe pornography.
This was all a detox processand I and I look back and I get
(17:15):
so mad at myself because I'mlike God met me.
I didn't want to be met, Ididn't want to be met and he met
me.
And you know for me not to justimmediately do a 180 and step
away from everything I've neverunderstood and maybe someone
(17:38):
listening is the same way as Iwas I never understood the you
know jesus leaving the 99 to goafter the one.
Yeah, never made sense to mebecause it's like what about the
99?
Speaker 3 (17:59):
But that's what it felt like is that he left the 99
to go get you?
Yeah, you were the one, yeah.
Speaker 4 (18:06):
And so I I that's what I'm saying.
It's like our you know thisministry.
It was an obligation that Ifeel and it's the only way that
I could really boast about whatGod continues to do in our lives
.
But I was still broken so much,and Lisa was broken too, and I
(18:27):
had done all that to her, allthat to her.
And so it was this, this road,and I wish we could give you,
like here's, the three steps toin a month, your marriage is
going to be awesome.
It wasn't like that.
There was a road that we had towalk together, and there was
times where Lisa definitely hadto choose to continue to stay.
(18:51):
There was times where I waslike what, what is God?
Even?
Why did he meet me on the sideof the road?
If this is what's going on, ifthis is what I'm going to have
to deal with the rest of my life, not against her, but against
things I was still continuing todo.
And so that was.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
It was a yeah, I mean the crazy thing about it even
is an hour after Brad called me,which was a miracle that I had
prayed for for months and monthsand months, because I really
was a person who, before thisall happened, I had an idea in
my head that if something likethis happened which it never
would, obviously Right, but ifit did I would I would never
(19:33):
stick around.
I would be gone, like why wouldyou ever stick around for
something like that?
And so, when everything cameout, I was really shocked by
what God did in my life in thatmoment, which was this idea of
reconciliation and forgivenessbeing just planted within me
(19:53):
really quickly.
Honestly, I felt like God gaveme the closest I've ever had to.
What I feel was a vision wasjust this moment where I saw
Brad on the ground on his knees,and I felt like, just for a
fraction of a second, what Ifelt like was the Lord's love
for Brad.
It was just like a glimpse,just just like the tiniest
(20:14):
little glimpse, and it wasoverwhelming and it helped me to
see him in a way that, um,superseded what my human
reaction?
Really not that I, anyonelistening to this, please
understand I had all the humanreactions that you normally have
with something like this.
I was mad, I was angry at God.
I was, you know, did notunderstand how in the world that
I could be in this spot, likethere was just.
(20:36):
No, there's nothing that madesense to me about how we were at
, where we were at.
You know people will tell youlike, well, can you look back
and see where all the littlecracks and things like that?
Yes, can I say that at thispoint, our youngest, our third,
was nine months old, and that'salways a weird time, right, when
you are navigating babies, andyou know.
(20:57):
So, yeah, you feel a little bitmore disconnected because,
quite frankly, you, you don'teven feel like you're yourself
yet, right, but other than that,no, there wasn't all of these
signs and cracks that were justevident in our life, and so I
was just kind of left with this.
You know, what I felt was areally solid future, at least
aspects of it, right, that werejust crumbling before me.
(21:20):
And you know, typically youhear stories like this and a
betray, betrayer and betrayed,right, usually the betrayed is
trying to come home, and youknow then someone's like no, you
can't come home, right, to comehome.
And you know then someone'slike no, you can't come home
Right.
And for me, I was wanting, like,let's do this, let's, let's
navigate what this looks like.
And Brad was unwilling toreconcile, you know, of course,
(21:41):
there was all of these thingsthat were going on in his head
and in his life and he wasn'tready to let go of those things.
So God had to take me through aprocess of surrender that was
gut-wrenching, because it'sreally hard to let go of
something that's good Right, andmy marriage was good Right.
And I felt like, okay, well,god, I'm willing to do this
(22:02):
thing.
So, like, let's do this, likeI'll, I'll take the miracle, now
make it happen.
And you know, god had to justwalk me through this process of
what it looked like to take myfingers off of something that I
was grasping hold of so tightly.
Did not think that I wassomebody who liked control till
I had no control Right.
(22:24):
And all of a sudden I'm like Ilike it Isn't that how it
usually comes out right.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
That's how it usually comes out when you lose it.
That's when you realize howmuch that you know it's like,
yeah, that's a glaring picture,yeah.
That's how it goes, for sure,yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
He really walked me through Um, and I would feel
like at this time in my life too, it's when my faith really
became a walking faith, if thatmakes sense, like it was no
longer something that I was, youknow.
Yes, I was invested.
Yes, I believed all thosethings.
Now it was, I was desperate forit.
It was this desperate hungerafter what God was saying, what
(23:04):
he was doing and his truth,cause I needed truth, I really
just needed to be saturated intruth.
And so he walked me throughthat journey and, even as I
wanted to have two weeks bymyself with just a scream in the
woods I think that's where Iwhat I felt I look at it as
God's grace that I had thesethree little kids that needed an
(23:24):
intense amount of attention andlove, even though I didn't
necessarily feel like it wasGod's grace at that time, but
that it allowed me to see joy inthe middle of the most painful
things.
Right, I mean, how can you lookat a chubby, nine-month-old,
smiling baby and not smile?
Right, you get a chance and theopportunity, the daily routine
(23:46):
of life that requires you tolive.
There was aspects of that thatwere God's grace in that time,
and then he called me to forgivein the middle of all of that
that were God's grace in thattime.
And then he called me toforgive in the middle of all of
that, and this was when Brad wasstill in the doing everything
right, which I felt was veryunfair.
So I was reading a book and itreally came.
(24:08):
It really was just like thisbright light for me where it was
like, well, you can choose whoyou're going to be.
You're going to be a bitter anddiscouraged woman, or you can
forgive and you can overcome.
And I really felt like that wasmy fork in the road right.
I could see the seeds ofbitterness taking root in my
life.
That was not who I was Like.
I normally I am a positiveperspective, glass half full
(24:31):
kind of person, but I theunfairness of this definitely
was propelling me towards justreally living in discouragement
and bitterness and watching whatI felt was my entire life just
kind of imploding in front of me.
And so God asked me to do thosethings in the middle of the
(24:52):
mess and he taught me a thing ortwo about forgiveness, right,
and all these misconceptionsthat we have around forgiveness
which is like, well, I can'tforgive you until you've, like,
paid a price, right, I can'tforgive you until you ask for it
, I can't forgive you until I'msafe, Like all of these things
that God had to, you know,really walk me through because
it was for me.
(25:12):
Ultimately, forgiveness was forme, it was for me to release
all of the things that werecontrolling my mind and heart,
that were not healthy for me.
So he walked me through thatand then I'll tell you this Um,
I really was surprised by thefact that I had to do that over
and over and over and over againbecause thought, once I did it
and I took that step ofobedience, that I would just be
(25:33):
able to release it, that andsurrender both of those things.
I found very, you know,surprising.
I guess I had to do thatcontinually.
Right, lord, I've surrenderedit, pick it back up.
I surrendered it, pick it backup.
It's just very interesting howGod, I feel like, is always
continually teaching us thoselessons on surrender and what
(25:55):
that looks like.
So God was doing this wholeprocess with me before that
phone call that Brad gave thatnight.
And, honestly, because I hadbeen praying and I had been, you
know, at this point I was justpraying for his salvation I
really had had stopped puttingmy hope in the fact that our
marriage was going to bereconciled.
(26:16):
I was just like God, revealyourself to him, like helping to
turn to you, no matter what.
I knew that I wanted a man whowas going to be in my children's
life as a, as a good father, nomatter what.
And so I had to even change theway that I was praying, because
at first it was just, like youknow, hit him upside the head,
you know.
(26:37):
And so God had to kind of shiftthe way that I was praying
Right.
And when he did call me and whenwe did have this miracle, an
hour later our, our divorceattorney called and said papers
are ready, the judge just needsto sign them.
I did not have enough faith inthat moment to say rip the
papers up.
I said, just hold on.
(26:57):
I mean, that was that was likeall the faith that I had in the
world was just to tell him tojust hold on to the papers.
And then I really did expectBrad to kind of come in as this
miraculously changed individual.
I mean I'm like okay, like I'min the middle of the miracle now
, like this miracle that I'veprayed for, he's going to come
(27:19):
in and we're going to be able tohave these like intense
spiritual conversations abouteverything that's happened in
the last, you know, nine monthsof our lives.
And instead it was eggshells,right?
And it was us looking at eachother Like we knew each other
forever and didn't know eachother at all, and I'm afraid to
(27:40):
say you know what we were reallythinking or what we were really
feeling, cause instead of ithelping us to heal, it was just
taking us both into a pit andjust like sitting in there,
right?
So walking through the healingprocess was definitely an
opportunity for both of us tolearn a lot about our individual
walks with Christ.
Still, that's a lot to say, butthere, there you have it.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
What I love about your story, though, is that it
you know it's.
It's one of the things thatthat we've tried to teach people
also is that they have to beresponsible for their walk with
the Lord.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Right Yep.
Speaker 3 (28:18):
And that's the key, that's the main thing.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (28:22):
And from there God leads and guides.
And, yes, it's a rocky roadsometimes.
Yes, it's really really hard,but when the Lord is leading and
you're attending to your ownwalk with the Lord, then
miracles do happen, don't they?
Miracles do happen.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
And last month our interview was with a man named
Randy Pryor, who had a storythat was similar to yours.
The difference is he wasn'table to reconcile.
He was, but he continues toteach from his perspective.
Surrender your life to the Lordand let God do what he wants to
do, because you have to makesure that you're doing what God
(29:05):
wants you to do before you canever be the spouse that you
should be.
And so what did that processlook like for the two of you?
I'm so grateful that that Godbrought you to a place of
reconciliation reconciliation.
I'm so grateful that you knowyour marriage won out and it
survived, because that doesn'talways happen.
And but, but here we know theprocess can be messy, and so
(29:29):
it's okay if you don't share allthe steps of the messy.
But what were, what were thethings that god did to bring you
back to a place where yourmarriage is what it is today?
Speaker 1 (29:41):
like we said, it was super easy and yeah I'm not sure
why, so that yeah unicornsright man, I think there were so
many things that you know, weour number one piece of advice,
exactly like you said, as wetell people, your individual
pursuit of Christ is the key.
(30:03):
That is our biggest piece ofadvice because, no matter what
you need that, you absolutelyunequivocally need that and we
needed that for both of ourhealing.
I mean, brad can talk about hisbattle with shame through all
that, but for us, like thatreconnecting side of things,
(30:23):
yeah, it was messy, it wasn'tperfect.
It was us getting to know,almost like a, two new people,
right, but at this point, twonew people who were both very
broken.
So I would say the few thingsthat we did right right away was
because we moved immediately,which was, you know, always tell
(30:44):
people, don't do anything majorin the first year you know, and
God used that.
I'm so forever grateful when Ilook back at how God just
surrounded us with levels ofgrace that we didn't even know
we needed during that time.
And, you know, even when I lookback at financial decisions
that we were making, you know,because you just stopped caring
(31:06):
about things that you normallywould care about right Like
because this is so front andcenter, you know, you're so
focused in emotionally, likethat's taking all of your
capacity right then to just heal.
So we got connected with alocal church right away and you
know it was truly a God ordainedmoment and church and we
(31:27):
decided right away that we weregoing to meet with the pastor
and we were going to be upfrontabout who we were and what we
were going through.
Decided right away that we weregoing to meet with the pastor
and we were going to be upfrontabout who we were and what we
were going through.
I think that was a really bigdeal for both of us because the
local pastor breathed hope overus in that moment Hope is so
powerful.
Speaker 4 (31:45):
He didn't even bat an eye at the story Like that was
the first time I had ever sharedour story and it wasn't.
It probably wasn't exactly whatI did today.
No, no.
But it was.
It was like we're both justtrying to get through this.
And I remember thinking likeI'm waiting for him to just have
(32:06):
this.
You know, judgment face.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
You're in the back row for the rest of your life,
yeah kind of deal right, and itwasn't.
Speaker 4 (32:12):
It was just this hope .
And he saw.
I wish I can remember exactlywhat he said.
I don't even know if heremembered we still are close
with them but he said somethingto the effect of like I could
see where God can take you right, I could see what he could do
(32:33):
with you, do in you, right.
And so it was.
It was, it was hope over us.
And you know also, we didn't do, we didn't seek counseling, we
didn't seek we don't recommendanything I'm saying right now
other than get connected to yourlocal church.
But we did.
We didn't seek anyone out forhelp.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
We felt so isolated.
Speaker 4 (32:57):
We did, and I don't know there was.
There, for sure were resourcesfor this.
I don't know if it was asprevalent as it is now, but for
sure there were resources, butwe didn't.
I know.
For me it didn't even cross mymind, because I was.
I was drowning in shame, likedrowning in it.
Even though God had deliveredme, I was still just drowning in
(33:17):
shame, and so I don't.
I don't even know if it crossedyour mind to go.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
It did.
But you know anytime thatyou're talking about counseling,
coaching, any kind of thing,it's only as effective as what
you can actually do in thereright, how honest as you can be,
as willing as you are to do thework.
I think in that moment Irecognize we were not in a space
where that was going to be thebest avenue, in that moment,
(33:44):
that we had some, but it wouldhave probably been very helpful
if we had actually gone.
Speaker 4 (33:48):
But I think, like during this time, yes, I was
pursuing my walk with Christ.
Right, I was.
I was trying to learn to dothat.
I didn't know what that lookedlike and and it wasn't you know,
I'm not going to blame myparents or my grandparents or
uncle, it wasn't anything likethat, it was just that I was
always in it.
So I didn't realize, like, well, what is this to really put
(34:13):
like, to really dive into this,how do I do this?
And so I was learning that andI was messing up, still messing
up on stupid things, stilltrying to like shake all this
stuff off.
And it wasn't I don't know howmany, what, like maybe a year, I
don't even know the timeframe,but I finally got connected in a
(34:33):
, in a men's.
It was like a, it was a virtual, it was a nationwide like
virtual men's thing.
And I got connected in that andI started just doing the
devotions they were setting outand really, one big thing and
something we tell couples allthe time when they start doing
this is I started memorizingscripture, you know, and I think
(34:57):
it's a lost I don't likeputting it like this, but I
think it's a lost art and butit's something that I dealt with
a lot of temptations.
Still right, I was still, I wasstill traveling for work, I
still had the same job, we werestill going out and doing stuff
and and around the country,right, not just, you know, in
and out, just you know, the Eastcoast, west coast, all over the
(35:21):
place.
And so during that time it waslike I would still have
temptations that I'd have todeal with.
And it wasn't until I had this,you know, epiphany, really this
God moment where Jesus foughttemptation by repeating, by
memorizing scripture, bybasically just fighting it with
scripture.
And it hit me.
(35:42):
I'd heard that story countlesstimes, like I had heard that
story from the pulpit, I'd heardit in Sunday school, I'd heard
it all over the place.
But it hit me then because I'mlike the perfect man to ever
walk the earth right, sinless,perfect.
And he fought temptation withscripture.
(36:03):
And I'm like me.
Why am I not doing that?
So I started memorizingscripture to combat temptation.
I didn't do, you know, behaviormodifications or anything like
that, where you know like, oh,I'm going to go run, you know,
go go get my workout in, so Idon't have to be tempted.
I didn't do that because I didsee, even though in my infancy
(36:24):
of of breaking this shame andtemptation, I did see that as
more of a bandaid for me than itwas of actual like.
No, I want to.
I want to change my heart and Iknow if I can transform this,
if God can train, I can't do it.
I know if God can work thisthrough me then I won't be
(36:45):
tempted.
Now I look at that part of mylife and it is.
It's disgusting when I thinkabout it.
It really is.
It makes me like I don't havethose urges, those.
I don't look that way becauseit just really is like something
that I don't want in my life atall.
(37:05):
But through that, the biggestthing I learned memorizing
scripture, and then my priority,and still is to this day, is
God, is Jesus.
That is my priority.
There's nothing else that getsin the way.
That is my sole priority, andthroughout the day and this is
because of years of you- know,Didn't start off this way,
(37:28):
didn't start off this way.
Please don't hear that.
This is from years of walkingthis out and and my discipline,
like God, working on mydiscipline and pushing me,
reading the Bible, doingdevotions.
This is years of it.
But I I used to say get yourpriorities right.
And then some good friends ofours were like, do you know that
(37:50):
the word priorities waspluralized just in recent
history?
And I was like, yeah, it makessense, because the definition
doesn't even make it pluralright.
And so that really hit me.
And now it's like no, I don'tprior, my priorities aren't
aligned.
My priority is aligned and itis my walk with Christ.
It is my daily devotions.
I saturate my life daily nowwith Jesus.
(38:13):
I listen to Caleb.
I didn't used to listen toCaleb, it used to bother me so
much, I just really did.
And now like that's all.
That's on my in my car or I'mplaying Christian music through
my phone, whatever it is.
But I want to saturate my daywith Jesus, like I want to start
the day out with him and gothroughout my day.
(38:34):
I have things I have to do forwork, I can't walk around and
just, you know, read the Bibleall day, but in a realistic way
I saturate my life with him andI want to end my day with him.
And because of all that, my like, the line of what I'm
responsible for, what God hasgiven me, has fallen into place.
(38:57):
It doesn't mean that it'sperfect and it doesn't mean that
it's not hard, but it's falleninto place, right?
My wife, then my kids, mymarriage, then my kids.
You know, then, it's just this.
It just everything falls inplace and because of him I'm
able to lead like I need to lead, and and we're able to.
(39:19):
You know, our ministry iscalled Unrelenting Pursuit, for
a reason I haven't stopped mypursuit of since then right, I
can't say before, but since thenI haven't stopped my pursuit,
my personal pursuit with Christ.
I haven't stopped my pursuit tobe a better husband through him
, to be a better father throughhim, to be a better man through
(39:43):
him, and I constantly want topursue Lisa.
So we want an unrelated pursuitin all aspects of our life
pointing towards Christ.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
Yeah, and the more that I saw that in him, the more
that I was able to navigate,obviously, the fear and all
those things that were thebattle in my own mind that was
really taking place, theownership I wanted to have over
his behavior right.
I wanted you know, whether ornot it was good or bad, there
was a level of ownership that Iwanted to take right.
(40:15):
Somehow it was myresponsibility, and the more
that I saw him lean into Christ,the more I could see that in
myself and that process ofsurrender again, where I can't
own his behavior right.
There's, there's no level ofanything I can do that makes
Brad a better man.
Brad has to be a better manbecause that is who he is called
(40:36):
to be and ultimately that's hisrelationship with Christ that
that compels that.
You know, we developed theguardrails, we developed
accountability.
We walked out those steps right, that God showed us along the
way.
Right Cause we were going to dowhat we, whatever we could do.
We were going to live likenobody else so that we could
have our life like nobody else.
(40:56):
Like Dave Ramsey says aboutmoney, right, we were going to
do that with our marriage.
We were going to set some, someruthless standards that we were
going to abide in in order toprotect what we value most, and
that's been a really beautifulpicture of how we've been able
to connect again.
And I will tell you just tokind of give that hope carrier
message, right Our marriage isbetter than either one of us
(41:20):
could ever imagine that it couldbe.
We have definitely faced thethings that should have broken
us and we have walked out thethat got.
Reconciliation is God's business.
It's literally who he is Right,and so he entrusts us that
ministry.
He entrusts us with a ministryof reconciliation.
(41:41):
So our marriage, like our lives, we get a chance to just live
that out.
It is so possible If you guysare willing to do the work, if
you guys pursue Christ the twoof you it's unbelievable what
God can do in those places.
It's amazing, and we havegotten to live that out, and so
(42:03):
that's that's really why we haveunrelenting pursuit, why we do
what we do, because we get achance to have that front row
seat to continue to see what Godcan do.
Not that every story has thismagical ending, because that's
not what it is, but our heart isto see people ultimately
recognize that Jesus has themthat there is hope for their
(42:23):
future.
No matter whether or not theirmarriage in and of itself is
saved, there is still hope.
Speaker 3 (42:30):
I love that hope message.
I think that that is justthat's something that couples
really, in fact, not justcouples, that is something that
people in general need to hear,and so because it's just such an
important, important message,yeah, there's hope in Christ and
I also appreciate sharing that.
Speaker 2 (42:49):
You know, growing up in church your whole life, but
coming to a place where yourealize that God was calling you
into a very personalrelationship with Jesus Christ
and taking ownership not only ofthe things that were going on
in your life but of thatresponsibility to surrender,
humbly surrender, to the Lord,jesus Christ, what a powerful
(43:11):
thing.
And you know, I know thatthere's couples who are
listening right now who arestill, you know, still in the
struggle.
They're still in the hurt,they're still dealing with some
of the things that lead to shame.
And the message of hope thatyou've shared today is really,
really powerful and I'm reallygrateful for it.
But then also, what would youtell that couple who says we're
(43:33):
in the process of trying toreconcile, we're in the process
of working this out, but theyjust don't understand what the
timeframe is going to be?
What did you?
Speaker 4 (43:44):
learn.
Speaker 2 (43:45):
Because I know, I know I'm kind of lobbing this
one to you, because we know that, um, you know it's not one of
those things, just like youcan't get three steps, there's
not a specific time.
But what did you learn aboutGod's timing through what he's
done in your relationship?
Speaker 4 (44:00):
Oh, I mean, it's God's timing is perfect.
Yeah, um, but you want to rushit.
Um, but you want to rush it I?
Yes, to give a little example,I, I really did not heal, heal
(44:25):
from my shame until just acouple of years ago.
It really it was something thatI didn't realize that was
eating away at me, but that wasjust a couple of years ago.
And and that that while I wasspending time with God, while I
was praying that this, you knowhe's speaking to me and just
making me realize.
You know that I need to let itgo Right and really speak it to
me that way.
But you know, that's, I guess,his timing's perfect, even
(44:47):
though, as humans, we want torush it, but through, even
though I wish that everythingwould have been done quickly and
we would have been like happilyever after, immediately, there
was such healing and learningthrough our walk yeah through
all the trials we went through,through me not fully giving up
(45:09):
everything through.
You know, lisa, learning to letgo of control and and doing all
these things.
There was so much in there thatwe learned that now.
Yes, I do wish it would havebeen shorter, but looking back
it was perfect.
Speaker 3 (45:23):
Yeah, that was part of the equipping that.
God has done in your life foryour ministry.
Absolutely, that's what.
Speaker 1 (45:30):
I was going to say there's purpose in the process.
That would be my encouragementto someone listening.
I think what we have seenhappen with couples is when you
try to rush through the processright, you become satisfied with
halfway healing.
And that's not what God has foryou.
There's this element that youhave to walk through.
(45:52):
There are lessons that you haveto learn.
I would love to tell you thatyou're going to be just stick
with it for six months and it'sall going to be great.
We often say that there'salways something else that needs
to be healed.
I thought I was just going tosay there's always something
else, right, god's alwaysshowing you something else,
(46:16):
another layer, like that's,that's life, it's just part of
it.
Not that we're just sittingthere like with this gaping
wound that we're still dealingwith from infidelity.
It's more just like who we areas individuals, the things that
we need to address, like how weparent, how we operate in our
marriage, who we are as people.
Right, there's this level ofrecognition that our pursuit has
to also be our unrelentingpursuit of growth which means
there's always something else toheal from.
(46:36):
Like that's, that's the reality.
I think that's why we walkthrough this life with this,
with this, you know, heavenlymindset, right, the eternal
perspective, because it's nevergoing to be perfect here on
earth, that's okay.
Speaker 3 (46:52):
But the unrelenting ripple effect like that's the
vision that comes to mind isthis ripple effect that God is
is providing because of thethings that you have gone
through.
You know your children aregoing to have examples and
encouragement from you guys.
That wouldn't be there had younot gone through the same thing.
(47:14):
You know the things that you'regoing to be able to teach them
when they're old enough to startdating and start picking a
husband or a wife.
You know, and all the thingsthis is going to be, this wealth
of information.
God has a testimony for you andit was about all the things
that you have gone through.
(47:36):
That's all part of thetestimony, and they couldn't
have saved you from that,because that was God's intention
for you to know the things thatyou know right.
How you learn them might havebeen different, but it was.
Speaker 2 (47:51):
God's intention for you to know the things that you
know right and so you know, eventhough we we uh have our hearts
broken because of the pain thatthat is gone through, and for
our listeners right now, ifyou're going through those
difficult things, our hearts arebroken, that you have to go
through the pain.
However, those things that thatGod will do in the midst of it
(48:13):
are things that are amazing.
We get to see God's word playedout in practical reality where,
even in the midst of ourhardest day, god works all
things together for the good ofthose who love him, who are
called according to his purpose.
And so, again, just love theLord and as you love the Lord.
It's not going to stop thatthere's pain in the process, but
(48:37):
you'll get to see, as youshared, there's purpose in the
process and we're reallygrateful for that.
And today we're just sothankful that Brad and Elisa
Valencia have joined us and wewant to encourage you.
If you'd like to hear about thecoaching they provide or you'd
like to listen to theUnrelenting Pursuit podcast, go
(48:58):
to their website,unrelentingpursuitorg, and we'll
make sure that those are linkedin the show notes.
But again, thank you so muchfor joining us today.
On the Vision Driven Marriage.
Speaker 1 (49:09):
Absolutely Thanks for having us.
It was awesome.
Speaker 2 (49:15):
Thank much for joining us today on the Vision
Driven Marriage Absolutely.
Thanks for having us.
It was awesome.
Thank you guys Love it.
And again for those of youwho've been listening, we want
to encourage you not only to letGod speak to you and for you to
seek after God's will for yourown life, but we want you to
know that we continue to praythat God will solidify your
marriage.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis,again thanking Brad and Lisa
Valencia.
This is the Vision DrivenMarriage.
God bless you.
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