May 17, 2024 • 19 mins
Have you ever wondered how to turn communicating in a relationship from mundane check-ins to profound connections? Join us, Doug and Leslie Davis, as we reveal how open and honest communication can act as the glue that binds the hearts of spouses together.
Honest and Open Communication
Our discussion peels back the layers of fear that often shroud true expression, offering encouragement to couples to embrace vulnerability, share their innermost thoughts, and, in doing so, bridge the emotional gaps that can widen with time. Through our personal journey and the experiences we've shared, we shed light on the perils of assumptions and how they can silently erode the trust and intimacy that are foundational to a thriving marriage.
Communicating In A Relationship
In this heart-to-heart, we also equip you with the tools to build a robust communication framework within your relationship. Active listening isn't just a buzzword—it's a lifeline for understanding and being understood. We walk you through techniques like reflective dialogue and emphasize the importance of being fully present, free from the ubiquitous distractions of our digital age. Together, let's explore how establishing regular, intentional check-ins can cultivate a habit of continual engagement and an atmosphere where love flourishes. Get ready to unlock a new level of closeness with your partner that only comes from truly opening up and communicating from the heart.
We Mention:
The Quiz
Intimacy Episodes: Part 1
Part 2
Let's Connect:
https://heartcallministries.org/
Email Doug & Leslie at: leslie@heartcallministries.org
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/HeartCallMinistries
Grab freebies and subscribe to the HeartCall newsletter at:
https://lp.constantcontactpages.com/su/U6chOaj/HeartCallMinistries
INTRO/OUTRO MUSIC CREDITS
Theme music: Dead Winter
ASLC-1BEF9A9E-9E9D609662
Artists: White Bones
Composers: White Bones
Audio source: Epidemic Sound
Find out more about Doug and Leslie:
- Free Resources
- Social Media Links
- Current episodes of The Vision Driven Marriage
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help solidify
your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
We're really glad that you'rehere with us today, as we
continue to look proactively atsome things that can keep you
from being in a place where youfeel like separation's your only
option.
And today we're going to belooking at how communicating
openly and honestly can allowyou to be in a good place where
(00:52):
you can work towards stayingcloser to one another rather
than separating last week, wetalked about loving selflessly,
and this is another step that'sjust as crucial as loving
selflessly, and that iscommunicating open and honestly.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Open and honestly.
Well, none of us can talk todayCommunicating openly and
honestly.
Now, when you think aboutcommunicating openly, one of the
things that comes to mind, atleast in my mind, is having the
safety in the relationship thatknowing that what you want to
(01:32):
say is going to be received withgrace and respect.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Right, and you know when you love somebody deeply
and, of course, you know whenyou came together in marriage
you loved each other so deeply.
There's times where you want tomake sure that you don't do
something that could potentiallylead to any disagreement.
You don't want to do anythingthat could potentially lead to
any struggle or trouble, and soyou may find yourself in a
(01:58):
position where you've put offcommunicating about things
because you were afraid it wouldsomehow upset your spouse or it
would cause a little bit of anissue.
What you're finding out insteadis not talking about it has
created an issue that's muchbigger than ever would have
existed if you just talked aboutit, and so we want to encourage
you.
We know that for some of you,communication is hard.
(02:19):
For others of you, it's easy,regardless of where you are.
Let us encourage you to bereally open and honest now for
those of you who are's easy,regardless of where you are.
Let us encourage you to bereally open and honest Now for
those of you who are strugglingwith being able to communicate
because you're so conflictresistant.
You're so.
I don't want to hurt my spouse.
I care about them, even thoughthey're frustrating me.
Let me go ahead and just openthis up.
(02:39):
The love that brought youtogether has created a
relationship where you and yourspouse are really truly the only
people who can be completelyopen with one another, because
God's brought you together asone, and so it might be
uncomfortable for a minute, itmight cause somebody to be upset
for a minute, but when you'rereally honest, not only about
(03:02):
what's going on but how you feelabout it, you're going to be
able to find an amazingopportunity to draw closer to
one another.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
But the one thing that you have to consider is
that when you're in the midst ofthe open communication or
practicing open communication,there is a mutual responsibility
.
You both have responsibilitiesin that situation in order for
open communication and honestcommunication to work well.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
Right, and you know, one of the things that we've
heard so many times I know I'veheard it when couples have come
to me, and Leslie has heardthings that are similar to this
as well in the counseling office.
We know that when communicationbreaks down, there's this
feeling of hopelessness, thisfeeling of helplessness that can
(03:51):
make it feel like the distancebetween us is so big we can't
cross that span.
That's a lie.
Let me help you with this.
Open communication is what'sgoing to allow you to narrow
that gap where you feel so muchdistance.
It's what's going to allow youto actually get closer and
closer and closer and closer toone another.
And what happens when you don'tcommunicate the way that you
(04:14):
should is that human naturekicks in, and one of the really
dangerous parts about our brainis we fill in the blanks when
there's gaps something thatwe've heard.
And then there's a gap, we fillin what we think comes next and
if it goes unaddressed, youbelieve that it really played
out the way you imagined it.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
That's called an assumption.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
And the same thing's true even with the things that
we see.
You can see your spouse dosomething, and then they come
back and you fill in the blanksin your brain it's completely
normal of what happened betweenwhen they went around the corner
and came back.
Now, the majority of the timebecause we do this all the time
majority of the time it's no bigdeal.
You assume, oh, they set theirkeys on the table.
(04:59):
So when they come back laterand say where are my keys,
you're like you set them on thetable even if you didn't see
them do it, because you filledin the blank that that made
sense.
That's what your brainconvinced you happened.
Where it becomes dangerous iswhen you're having a little bit
of a struggle with communication.
You're not being open, you'renot being honest.
You still fill in the blanks ofwhat you think happened when
your spouse went around thecorner and came back.
(05:21):
And when you're struggling tocommunicate, we tend to go to
the negative and it builds thatfeeling of hopelessness and
helplessness.
There is hope, there is help,but it really starts with
sitting down, being completelyopen.
Here's what I'm struggling with.
Here's the things that I wish Iwasn't doing, but I'm doing.
(05:43):
Here's the things that I wish Iwasn't doing, but I'm doing.
Here's the things that you havedone that I just struggle with
being really open and then beingreally honest about how you
feel it's gonna be huge and howthat gap will slowly close.
You feel like you know we're sofar apart.
I can't jump that far.
Open communication isn't askingyou to jump that far.
It's taking small steps whereeventually the gap becomes
(06:06):
doable.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
But keep in mind, there has to be the mutual
responsibility of receiving thatopen and honest communication
with love and respect, becausethere is a mutual responsibility
in the relationship tocommunicate in a way, one that
honors each other and two thathonors the Lord.
And so, you know, an example offilling in that blank is if,
(06:30):
for instance, if I wanted to goout on a Friday night and I
texted Doug and said, hey, let'sgo out Friday night, and then
he doesn't respond, I can makethe assumption, because there's
that emptiness of communication,of information right there.
I can make the assumption thathe doesn't want to go out
tonight.
You know well, the reality isis that he was probably working
(06:53):
and didn't get to respond to mytext and you know, in the time
frame that I thought was yeahand think about how easy it
would be for that to happen.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
You know, maybe I was uh talking to a co-er outside
of my car but my phone was inthe car and so it wasn't.
I don't want to go out.
It's that we were having a defacto department meeting in the
parking lot trying to solve theproblems of the world, and you
know, and so she could take thatas, oh, he doesn't want to,
when the reality could be very,very different.
And we do the same things withthe things that we see.
(07:24):
If we don't, you know, we fillin the blanks of the things that
we see.
So open communication helps toget rid of that.
Now, one of the things Leslieand I were talking about just
before we decided to record wasthat it's kind of human nature,
you kind of can't help fillingin the blanks.
You know, I assume she had herkeys.
She went around the corner.
She didn't have her keys.
I assume she put them on thetable.
(07:45):
The reality is maybe she putthem in her purse or somewhere
else.
But you know, you fill in thatassumption.
The filling in of the blanks isgoing to happen.
Becoming aware of it, havingopen communication lets it not
give you information that'sfalse, that you then believe to
be true, that you act upon for along period of time.
Relationships are damaged bynot only the inappropriate
(08:07):
things we do, but the things webelieve, even if they didn't
happen.
Open communication and honestcommunication can at least
eliminate the parts that didn'thappen.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
So you can effectively deal with the parts
that did, and it really iscrucial.
It is a crucial building blockin a solid relationship.
One of the things that it doeswhen it operates properly, when
there's the mutualresponsibility in the
relationship of communicatingopen and honestly and receiving
that communication.
Open and honestly is it createstrust and it creates connection
(08:41):
and that connection is definedby the feeling of being seen and
heard and understood.
In that in in the relationshipum, I know, I know sometimes
that feeling is expresseddifferently between men and
women I can say, you know, whenI feel understood, I feel like
he gets me, you know.
(09:01):
And I can say, you know, when Ifeel understood, I feel like he
gets me, you know.
And I can say that I feel likeyou get me, I feel like you
understood where I was comingfrom, what I was feeling about
the situation.
But it might be described alittle bit differently for the
guys.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Right and, and even you know beyond that, not every
guy is going to be able todescribe being understood the
same way.
Sometimes we struggle to definewhat things feel like at all.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
But the reality is when you know that your spouse.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Whether they agree or not, your spouse understands.
That is going to be a criticalfirst step.
Building block in being able tohave healthy communication Is
to know that I was heard andeven if they didn't understand
why I did something, theyunderstood what I said.
Even if they didn't understandwhy I felt that way, they
(09:57):
understood what I was goingthrough.
That is a gigantic positivefirst step in communication.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Some of the techniques that go along with
creating open and honest talkingabout something, regardless of
what it is.
If you are actively listening,that's going to create respect
(10:28):
and that's going to give you theopportunity to really
understand where your spouse iscoming from.
Now.
Active listening is a lot aboutbody language, it's about eye
contact.
It's about reflective listening, like you reflect back what you
hear them say, and that's assimple as so I heard you say and
(10:51):
then you say back what you justheard them say.
And if you're off base, givethem an opportunity to correct
where you're off base at, likeno, that's not quite what I said
, and just take it slow in thattime.
Now the mutual responsibilitypart comes is when you're the
person who's listening.
Then you're receiving thosethings with respect and trust
(11:16):
because they're giving you theirheart Either way, like either
the husband talking to the wifeor the wife talking to the
husband, it is sharing from aplace of vulnerability and if
that is not held with respectand trust, then this whole
process is not going to workright now.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
please make sure that you take into consideration any
cultural traditions as well.
Make sure that you take intoconsideration any cultural
traditions as well.
Make sure that you're givingyour spouse active listening,
with respect, in a way that yourspouse feels and hears that
respect.
You know so.
You know it may be that you arelooking straight ahead, but not
(12:01):
necessarily in the eyes becauseof a cultural thing.
Just make sure you'vecommunicated that, because we
know some cultures when you lookat the eyes, it's respect.
Others when you look at theperson but you're looking toward
their feet, that that's morereverently, respectful and
humbled before them.
Again, just do what's going togive respect culturally, but
also speaking of culture.
(12:23):
Here's one of the biggest thingsyou can do to actively listen
and give respect.
Take this and put it in adifferent room and don't worry,
it will still be there whenyou're done.
But just put it in a differentroom because many of you have
learned that you can give a lotof respect while you're
listening to, ignoring anyalerts or messages on your phone
(12:46):
while you're talking, but thenthere's pauses in normal
conversations where you cancheck it out and you're still
giving attention and respect toyour spouse when you're dealing
with something that requiresopen conversation and it
requires this kind of depth ofhonesty.
You're going to be better offif you just find a place for
your phone that's in a differentroom than you are and set it
over to the side, but thenthat's also going to be true
(13:08):
with anything that's notdemanding, requiring your
attention.
So don't ignore things that aresafety issues, don't ignore
things that you know where yourchildren need you, but basically
, every single other thing canwait until the open
communication, the honestcommunication, has come to
(13:31):
either a conclusion or let'stake a timeout.
We'll come back in a minute.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
As long as you both have agreed on that, you know,
think I think one thing here umto mention it's this is a good
place to mention is to create uma time and a space for open and
honest communication, like atime that you're scheduling a
check-in.
Basically, you know how are youdoing um.
Is there anything I can helpyou with?
(13:56):
How are you feeling today?
You know so that you'reactively checking in with each
other.
That creates a space that isn'tdependent on a crisis or a
decision that needs to be made,or um, you know something like
that where it just creates atime.
(14:16):
That's, that's special umscheduled, you know, between the
two of you.
That's, like I said, notdependent on a crisis or a
decision.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
We're wanting to proactively be able to do things
that are going to help you drawclose to each other.
Because, you know, a couple ofweeks ago we looked at an
interview of a man who has awonderful ministry helping
people who are separated, andit's a hard and heart-wrenching
place to be when the person thatyou vowed to love forever, when
(14:45):
you're separated for a while,some of you realize that you're
moving in directions whereyou're not as close as you once
were.
Or you're close and you want tomake sure you don't get to a
place where you're not as closeas you currently are.
And so you know, as we look atthese types of things, why is it
that this kind of communicationbecomes important?
Looking at every single one ofthe places where you can be
(15:07):
intimate and we've had episodeswhere we've talked about all of
the different types ofintimacies We've also talked
about different seasons in amarried couple's lives it's very
different when you have youngchildren compared to when you
have older children, compared towhen you're an empty nester.
It's a very different time inyour relationship, but this kind
of communication is absolutelyessential in each one.
(15:29):
So which places that you havebeen intimate physical,
emotional, sexual or even one ofthe intimacies.
When we looked at the 12intimacies recreational, etc.
Which one of those intimaciesdo you feel like there's a drift
going on?
Because that's a place whereyou can begin the process of
(15:52):
open communication.
It doesn't have to be.
We've hit this breaking point.
We've got this gigantic crisis.
Instead it can be.
I feel adrift here.
We used to have recreationalintimacy.
We used to be able to go outand play together and I miss
that.
The open communication cansimply be something like I miss
(16:13):
that, or it can be somethingspecific.
I don't feel comfortable doingthat anymore because it became
so competitive.
It feels like you always haveto beat me.
It's not fun anymore.
But being able to be honest andopen about where the drift is
going on, looking at where werewe really close, where I either
want to maintain it and not loseit, or I want to get rid of the
(16:34):
drift that's happening beforeit becomes something that hits
crisis level.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Yeah, because proactive is better than
reactive.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
So much so, and being able to be respectful is going
to be key there, because oftenwhen we're being proactive, you
know, it may be that Lesliecomes to me and says hey, I want
to talk about you know thisarea with our recreational
intimacy, and I don't evennotice that there's anything
that's different.
To me, it looks exactly thesame as it had always been.
(17:02):
It would be really easy to say,oh, that's not true, or to
dismiss it, and please don't dothat.
Please make sure that part ofthe respectful listening is
understanding the thoughts andthe feelings of your spouse in a
way, not that you have to agreewith them, but you need to
understand them so that togetheryou can come together with a
(17:23):
way to move forward through them.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
And I think that's a good point, understanding that
sometimes we could be dismissiveof our partner's feelings when
you know, just because we don'tagree with them.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Or don't feel that.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Right, right, or don't feel that we can be
dismissive of that, and that'snot the way to make the
connection.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
For sure, no and being able to be honest about
that.
You know, here's how I feel andthen being able to honestly
reply.
You know I want to hear more,but I don't feel that way.
I'm confused by that's the kindof conversation that's going to
help you be able to not onlyslow the drift but to stop it
and to draw closer instead offeeling like you're slowly
(18:05):
drifting farther apart,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
If you feel like your relationship is drifting or,
worse, that there is noconnection and you would like to
find out for sure where you'reat on that scale, I have a link
in the show notes to a quiz.
It's a short quiz, it's about20 questions, but it will tell
you what type of couple whereyou fall at in that spectrum.
(18:29):
Is our relationship drifting,are we at risk or are we a solid
couple?
So if you're interested in that, click the link in the show
notes to take that quiz.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
We want to thank you for joining us today.
We've been looking at how youcan communicate openly and
honestly to proactively Makesure that you stop the drift.
Stay close to one another.
We don't want to ever see youget to a place where separation
sounds like the idea.
That would be the best idea.
If you're already in that place, find some people to come
(19:02):
alongside you.
There's help available If youfeel like you're drifting.
Plug in the things that wetalked about and realize that
you can stop the drift whereit's at.
If you're in a good, solidplace right now, we want to
encourage you to take care ofthat, to make sure that you
nurture where you are so thatyou can stay there.
We are Doug and Leslie Davis.
(19:24):
This is the Vision DrivenMarriage and we continue to pray
that God will solidify yourmarriage, thank you.
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help solidify
your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
We're really glad that you'rehere with us today, as we
continue to look proactively atsome things that can keep you
from being in a place where youfeel like separation's your only
option.
And today we're going to belooking at how communicating
openly and honestly can allowyou to be in a good place where
(00:52):
you can work towards stayingcloser to one another rather
than separating last week, wetalked about loving selflessly,
and this is another step that'sjust as crucial as loving
selflessly, and that iscommunicating open and honestly.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Open and honestly.
Well, none of us can talk todayCommunicating openly and
honestly.
Now, when you think aboutcommunicating openly, one of the
things that comes to mind, atleast in my mind, is having the
safety in the relationship thatknowing that what you want to
(01:32):
say is going to be received withgrace and respect.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Right, and you know when you love somebody deeply
and, of course, you know whenyou came together in marriage
you loved each other so deeply.
There's times where you want tomake sure that you don't do
something that could potentiallylead to any disagreement.
You don't want to do anythingthat could potentially lead to
any struggle or trouble, and soyou may find yourself in a
(01:58):
position where you've put offcommunicating about things
because you were afraid it wouldsomehow upset your spouse or it
would cause a little bit of anissue.
What you're finding out insteadis not talking about it has
created an issue that's muchbigger than ever would have
existed if you just talked aboutit, and so we want to encourage
you.
We know that for some of you,communication is hard.
(02:19):
For others of you, it's easy,regardless of where you are.
Let us encourage you to bereally open and honest now for
those of you who are's easy,regardless of where you are.
Let us encourage you to bereally open and honest Now for
those of you who are strugglingwith being able to communicate
because you're so conflictresistant.
You're so.
I don't want to hurt my spouse.
I care about them, even thoughthey're frustrating me.
Let me go ahead and just openthis up.
(02:39):
The love that brought youtogether has created a
relationship where you and yourspouse are really truly the only
people who can be completelyopen with one another, because
God's brought you together asone, and so it might be
uncomfortable for a minute, itmight cause somebody to be upset
for a minute, but when you'rereally honest, not only about
(03:02):
what's going on but how you feelabout it, you're going to be
able to find an amazingopportunity to draw closer to
one another.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
But the one thing that you have to consider is
that when you're in the midst ofthe open communication or
practicing open communication,there is a mutual responsibility
.
You both have responsibilitiesin that situation in order for
open communication and honestcommunication to work well.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
Right, and you know, one of the things that we've
heard so many times I know I'veheard it when couples have come
to me, and Leslie has heardthings that are similar to this
as well in the counseling office.
We know that when communicationbreaks down, there's this
feeling of hopelessness, thisfeeling of helplessness that can
(03:51):
make it feel like the distancebetween us is so big we can't
cross that span.
That's a lie.
Let me help you with this.
Open communication is what'sgoing to allow you to narrow
that gap where you feel so muchdistance.
It's what's going to allow youto actually get closer and
closer and closer and closer toone another.
And what happens when you don'tcommunicate the way that you
(04:14):
should is that human naturekicks in, and one of the really
dangerous parts about our brainis we fill in the blanks when
there's gaps something thatwe've heard.
And then there's a gap, we fillin what we think comes next and
if it goes unaddressed, youbelieve that it really played
out the way you imagined it.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
That's called an assumption.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
And the same thing's true even with the things that
we see.
You can see your spouse dosomething, and then they come
back and you fill in the blanksin your brain it's completely
normal of what happened betweenwhen they went around the corner
and came back.
Now, the majority of the timebecause we do this all the time
majority of the time it's no bigdeal.
You assume, oh, they set theirkeys on the table.
(04:59):
So when they come back laterand say where are my keys,
you're like you set them on thetable even if you didn't see
them do it, because you filledin the blank that that made
sense.
That's what your brainconvinced you happened.
Where it becomes dangerous iswhen you're having a little bit
of a struggle with communication.
You're not being open, you'renot being honest.
You still fill in the blanks ofwhat you think happened when
your spouse went around thecorner and came back.
(05:21):
And when you're struggling tocommunicate, we tend to go to
the negative and it builds thatfeeling of hopelessness and
helplessness.
There is hope, there is help,but it really starts with
sitting down, being completelyopen.
Here's what I'm struggling with.
Here's the things that I wish Iwasn't doing, but I'm doing.
(05:43):
Here's the things that I wish Iwasn't doing, but I'm doing.
Here's the things that you havedone that I just struggle with
being really open and then beingreally honest about how you
feel it's gonna be huge and howthat gap will slowly close.
You feel like you know we're sofar apart.
I can't jump that far.
Open communication isn't askingyou to jump that far.
It's taking small steps whereeventually the gap becomes
(06:06):
doable.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
But keep in mind, there has to be the mutual
responsibility of receiving thatopen and honest communication
with love and respect, becausethere is a mutual responsibility
in the relationship tocommunicate in a way, one that
honors each other and two thathonors the Lord.
And so, you know, an example offilling in that blank is if,
(06:30):
for instance, if I wanted to goout on a Friday night and I
texted Doug and said, hey, let'sgo out Friday night, and then
he doesn't respond, I can makethe assumption, because there's
that emptiness of communication,of information right there.
I can make the assumption thathe doesn't want to go out
tonight.
You know well, the reality isis that he was probably working
(06:53):
and didn't get to respond to mytext and you know, in the time
frame that I thought was yeahand think about how easy it
would be for that to happen.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
You know, maybe I was uh talking to a co-er outside
of my car but my phone was inthe car and so it wasn't.
I don't want to go out.
It's that we were having a defacto department meeting in the
parking lot trying to solve theproblems of the world, and you
know, and so she could take thatas, oh, he doesn't want to,
when the reality could be very,very different.
And we do the same things withthe things that we see.
(07:24):
If we don't, you know, we fillin the blanks of the things that
we see.
So open communication helps toget rid of that.
Now, one of the things Leslieand I were talking about just
before we decided to record wasthat it's kind of human nature,
you kind of can't help fillingin the blanks.
You know, I assume she had herkeys.
She went around the corner.
She didn't have her keys.
I assume she put them on thetable.
(07:45):
The reality is maybe she putthem in her purse or somewhere
else.
But you know, you fill in thatassumption.
The filling in of the blanks isgoing to happen.
Becoming aware of it, havingopen communication lets it not
give you information that'sfalse, that you then believe to
be true, that you act upon for along period of time.
Relationships are damaged bynot only the inappropriate
(08:07):
things we do, but the things webelieve, even if they didn't
happen.
Open communication and honestcommunication can at least
eliminate the parts that didn'thappen.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
So you can effectively deal with the parts
that did, and it really iscrucial.
It is a crucial building blockin a solid relationship.
One of the things that it doeswhen it operates properly, when
there's the mutualresponsibility in the
relationship of communicatingopen and honestly and receiving
that communication.
Open and honestly is it createstrust and it creates connection
(08:41):
and that connection is definedby the feeling of being seen and
heard and understood.
In that in in the relationshipum, I know, I know sometimes
that feeling is expresseddifferently between men and
women I can say, you know, whenI feel understood, I feel like
he gets me, you know.
(09:01):
And I can say, you know, when Ifeel understood, I feel like he
gets me, you know.
And I can say that I feel likeyou get me, I feel like you
understood where I was comingfrom, what I was feeling about
the situation.
But it might be described alittle bit differently for the
guys.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Right and, and even you know beyond that, not every
guy is going to be able todescribe being understood the
same way.
Sometimes we struggle to definewhat things feel like at all.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
But the reality is when you know that your spouse.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Whether they agree or not, your spouse understands.
That is going to be a criticalfirst step.
Building block in being able tohave healthy communication Is
to know that I was heard andeven if they didn't understand
why I did something, theyunderstood what I said.
Even if they didn't understandwhy I felt that way, they
(09:57):
understood what I was goingthrough.
That is a gigantic positivefirst step in communication.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Some of the techniques that go along with
creating open and honest talkingabout something, regardless of
what it is.
If you are actively listening,that's going to create respect
(10:28):
and that's going to give you theopportunity to really
understand where your spouse iscoming from.
Now.
Active listening is a lot aboutbody language, it's about eye
contact.
It's about reflective listening, like you reflect back what you
hear them say, and that's assimple as so I heard you say and
(10:51):
then you say back what you justheard them say.
And if you're off base, givethem an opportunity to correct
where you're off base at, likeno, that's not quite what I said
, and just take it slow in thattime.
Now the mutual responsibilitypart comes is when you're the
person who's listening.
Then you're receiving thosethings with respect and trust
(11:16):
because they're giving you theirheart Either way, like either
the husband talking to the wifeor the wife talking to the
husband, it is sharing from aplace of vulnerability and if
that is not held with respectand trust, then this whole
process is not going to workright now.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
please make sure that you take into consideration any
cultural traditions as well.
Make sure that you take intoconsideration any cultural
traditions as well.
Make sure that you're givingyour spouse active listening,
with respect, in a way that yourspouse feels and hears that
respect.
You know so.
You know it may be that you arelooking straight ahead, but not
(12:01):
necessarily in the eyes becauseof a cultural thing.
Just make sure you'vecommunicated that, because we
know some cultures when you lookat the eyes, it's respect.
Others when you look at theperson but you're looking toward
their feet, that that's morereverently, respectful and
humbled before them.
Again, just do what's going togive respect culturally, but
also speaking of culture.
(12:23):
Here's one of the biggest thingsyou can do to actively listen
and give respect.
Take this and put it in adifferent room and don't worry,
it will still be there whenyou're done.
But just put it in a differentroom because many of you have
learned that you can give a lotof respect while you're
listening to, ignoring anyalerts or messages on your phone
(12:46):
while you're talking, but thenthere's pauses in normal
conversations where you cancheck it out and you're still
giving attention and respect toyour spouse when you're dealing
with something that requiresopen conversation and it
requires this kind of depth ofhonesty.
You're going to be better offif you just find a place for
your phone that's in a differentroom than you are and set it
over to the side, but thenthat's also going to be true
(13:08):
with anything that's notdemanding, requiring your
attention.
So don't ignore things that aresafety issues, don't ignore
things that you know where yourchildren need you, but basically
, every single other thing canwait until the open
communication, the honestcommunication, has come to
(13:31):
either a conclusion or let'stake a timeout.
We'll come back in a minute.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
As long as you both have agreed on that, you know,
think I think one thing here umto mention it's this is a good
place to mention is to create uma time and a space for open and
honest communication, like atime that you're scheduling a
check-in.
Basically, you know how are youdoing um.
Is there anything I can helpyou with?
(13:56):
How are you feeling today?
You know so that you'reactively checking in with each
other.
That creates a space that isn'tdependent on a crisis or a
decision that needs to be made,or um, you know something like
that where it just creates atime.
(14:16):
That's, that's special umscheduled, you know, between the
two of you.
That's, like I said, notdependent on a crisis or a
decision.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
We're wanting to proactively be able to do things
that are going to help you drawclose to each other.
Because, you know, a couple ofweeks ago we looked at an
interview of a man who has awonderful ministry helping
people who are separated, andit's a hard and heart-wrenching
place to be when the person thatyou vowed to love forever, when
(14:45):
you're separated for a while,some of you realize that you're
moving in directions whereyou're not as close as you once
were.
Or you're close and you want tomake sure you don't get to a
place where you're not as closeas you currently are.
And so you know, as we look atthese types of things, why is it
that this kind of communicationbecomes important?
Looking at every single one ofthe places where you can be
(15:07):
intimate and we've had episodeswhere we've talked about all of
the different types ofintimacies We've also talked
about different seasons in amarried couple's lives it's very
different when you have youngchildren compared to when you
have older children, compared towhen you're an empty nester.
It's a very different time inyour relationship, but this kind
of communication is absolutelyessential in each one.
(15:29):
So which places that you havebeen intimate physical,
emotional, sexual or even one ofthe intimacies.
When we looked at the 12intimacies recreational, etc.
Which one of those intimaciesdo you feel like there's a drift
going on?
Because that's a place whereyou can begin the process of
(15:52):
open communication.
It doesn't have to be.
We've hit this breaking point.
We've got this gigantic crisis.
Instead it can be.
I feel adrift here.
We used to have recreationalintimacy.
We used to be able to go outand play together and I miss
that.
The open communication cansimply be something like I miss
(16:13):
that, or it can be somethingspecific.
I don't feel comfortable doingthat anymore because it became
so competitive.
It feels like you always haveto beat me.
It's not fun anymore.
But being able to be honest andopen about where the drift is
going on, looking at where werewe really close, where I either
want to maintain it and not loseit, or I want to get rid of the
(16:34):
drift that's happening beforeit becomes something that hits
crisis level.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Yeah, because proactive is better than
reactive.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
So much so, and being able to be respectful is going
to be key there, because oftenwhen we're being proactive, you
know, it may be that Lesliecomes to me and says hey, I want
to talk about you know thisarea with our recreational
intimacy, and I don't evennotice that there's anything
that's different.
To me, it looks exactly thesame as it had always been.
(17:02):
It would be really easy to say,oh, that's not true, or to
dismiss it, and please don't dothat.
Please make sure that part ofthe respectful listening is
understanding the thoughts andthe feelings of your spouse in a
way, not that you have to agreewith them, but you need to
understand them so that togetheryou can come together with a
(17:23):
way to move forward through them.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
And I think that's a good point, understanding that
sometimes we could be dismissiveof our partner's feelings when
you know, just because we don'tagree with them.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Or don't feel that.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Right, right, or don't feel that we can be
dismissive of that, and that'snot the way to make the
connection.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
For sure, no and being able to be honest about
that.
You know, here's how I feel andthen being able to honestly
reply.
You know I want to hear more,but I don't feel that way.
I'm confused by that's the kindof conversation that's going to
help you be able to not onlyslow the drift but to stop it
and to draw closer instead offeeling like you're slowly
(18:05):
drifting farther apart,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
If you feel like your relationship is drifting or,
worse, that there is noconnection and you would like to
find out for sure where you'reat on that scale, I have a link
in the show notes to a quiz.
It's a short quiz, it's about20 questions, but it will tell
you what type of couple whereyou fall at in that spectrum.
(18:29):
Is our relationship drifting,are we at risk or are we a solid
couple?
So if you're interested in that, click the link in the show
notes to take that quiz.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
We want to thank you for joining us today.
We've been looking at how youcan communicate openly and
honestly to proactively Makesure that you stop the drift.
Stay close to one another.
We don't want to ever see youget to a place where separation
sounds like the idea.
That would be the best idea.
If you're already in that place, find some people to come
(19:02):
alongside you.
There's help available If youfeel like you're drifting.
Plug in the things that wetalked about and realize that
you can stop the drift whereit's at.
If you're in a good, solidplace right now, we want to
encourage you to take care ofthat, to make sure that you
nurture where you are so thatyou can stay there.
We are Doug and Leslie Davis.
(19:24):
This is the Vision DrivenMarriage and we continue to pray
that God will solidify yourmarriage, thank you.
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