May 10, 2024 • 24 mins
Unlock the secrets to a more resilient and loving marriage with us, Doug and Leslie Davis, as we delve into the art of selfless love on the Vision-Driven Marriage podcast. Inspired by the profound wisdom of 1 Corinthians 10:24, we reveal how putting your spouse's well-being at the forefront can dramatically shift the dynamics of your relationship. Together with insights from our previous guest, Randy Pryor, we explore the foundational practices that keep love alive and prevent the heartache of separation. Prepare to be armed with actionable strategies that will deepen your connection and reinforce your commitment to each other.
Ever wondered how small deeds can lead to monumental changes in your marriage? Listen in as we discuss the transformative impact of non-sexual touch, proactive listening, and thoughtful gestures that cater to your partner's needs. You'll learn the delicate art of balancing your well-being with the act of putting your spouse first, avoiding common traps like unmet expectations and resentment. We're here to guide you through the nuances of compromise and decision-making that honors your spouse, ensuring that each act of kindness fosters an atmosphere of mutual support and appreciation.
By the end of our conversation, you'll have a treasure trove of everyday actions that can forge an unshakeable trust and renewed faith in your partnership. From choosing a date location that delights your spouse to sharing in the mental load of daily responsibilities, we're committed to helping you cultivate a vision-driven marriage grounded in the beauty of selfless love. Join us and discover how to create an enduring bond that thrives on genuine care, understanding, and the joy of giving without expectation.
Things we mention:
The Little Things, 100 ways to serve your spouse
Are you concerned that your relationship might be at risk of an affair, or may succumb to the drift that slowly disconnects couples?
Take the quiz here.
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INTRO/OUTRO MUSIC CREDITS
Theme music: Dead Winter
ASLC-1BEF9A9E-9E9D609662
Artists: White Bones
Composers: White Bones
Audio source: Epidemic Sound
Find out more about Doug and Leslie:
- Free Resources
- Social Media Links
- Current episodes of The Vision Driven Marriage
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
(00:28):
Welcome to the Vision DrivenMarriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis andwe are so glad that you've
joined us today, and today we'regoing to be looking at loving
selflessly.
This is a topic that is reallyimportant after the interview
that we had last week that wasdirected toward couples who are
(00:48):
currently separated.
This is a preemptive approachto being able to do the things
that might have started a driftdifferently, so that the drift
goes away and you can drawcloser to one another instead of
finding yourself at a placewhere you're separated.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
You know, god gives us the opportunity every day to
love like Jesus, and if youdescribe the way that Jesus
loves, this word has got to beat the top of the list, and that
is that selfless love that heexuberated and he calls us to
(01:23):
love our spouse in that kind ofway.
So today we're going to talkabout four different ways to
love your spouse selflessly.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
And again, looking at the excitement.
This is whether you have beenreally loving your spouse in a
productive way, if you've beenstruggling a little bit, or even
if you feel yourself drifting,regardless of where you are.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
These are things that you can do that will improve
the status of your relationship,whether you're whatever the
status of your relationship isand I think when we started
formulating this content, we theword pre-emptive really came up
too, because after ourconversation last week on, you
know how to deal with arelationship that's already
(02:06):
separated, if you're alreadyseparated with your spouse.
You know, as we were talkingwith Randy prior last week, his
his skill set is to help couplesreconnect after they've already
separated, and one of thethings that just kept coming up
over and over again was he wasteaching men to connect with
their separated wives in a veryselfless way, and we just
(02:29):
noticed that that that was kindof an underlying thing, and so
we wanted to talk to you todayabout how to love selflessly.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Right.
And so, as we look at thosethings, the very first thing on
our list of ways that you canlove selflessly is to have the
right mindset, and it was one ofthe things that Randy talked
about early, but it also issomething that we get to read
about in 1 Corinthians 10 24,because God's word says no one
should seek his own good, butinstead the good of the other
(03:00):
person.
And we learned last week in theinterview that Randy tries to
encourage men do the right thingto love your separated spouse,
even when it means that youexpect nothing at all in return,
don't expect a certain reaction, don't expect reciprocation.
And one of the things that welearned from that is that that
(03:22):
kind of a mindset is somethingthat will help you be able to
love your spouse better whileyou are married.
It's not something that shouldjust be expected when you've
reached the point of separation.
So, preemptively, have theright mindset.
Do what's good for your spouse,expecting nothing in return.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
I think one of the hard part about this is because
we hear that verse that no oneshould seek his own good and
people stop listening rightthere because the thought is
that if I don't seek my own good, nobody's going to seek my own
good.
And that's not true, becausewhen you implement this verse
and the truth of this verse, godis going to be the one that
(04:08):
seeks your own good.
And that's sometimes a reallyhard transition in our Christian
walk to put into place, but wejust have to have faith that
that's true, that when we startputting the good of our spouse
before seeking our own good,that God is going to honor that
and good things are going tocome of that, regardless of what
(04:29):
that may look like, even if wedon't know what like that's what
faith is right Not knowing that, knowing of the things that are
.
I'm misquoting that, quote thatverse.
What is that Faith is?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
evidence of things unseen, that's it, evidence of
things unseen.
And as we look at what thisverse really says don't seek
your own good, but instead thegood of the other person.
It doesn't mean that you shouldnever seek your own good.
I mean we know that if you'rehungry, you should eat, and
that's for your good, and whenyou're tired you should sleep.
Those are things that are foryour good.
(05:03):
So it doesn't say don't seekyour own good.
What it says is, instead ofseeking your own good in every
situation, you're supposed toseek the good of the other
person.
In this case, seek the good ofyour spouse.
And so when what's good for yourspouse is different than what
you think is good for you, seekwhat's good for your spouse.
You know it doesn't mean thatyou're not going to receive the
(05:23):
things you need.
God's faithful and Leslie justshared absolutely God's faithful
.
He's going to provide for youand you're supposed to do the
things that are good for youwhen God shows you that they're
there.
Get sleep when you need it, Eatwhen you need to Do those
things, but when it comes intoconflict with what's good for
your spouse, do what's good foryour spouse.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
I like that example of when you're hungry, eat.
A good example of thinkingabout what would be good for
your spouse is that if you knowyour spouse hasn't had
vegetables for three or fourmeals and you guys are hungry
and you're planning the mealplan to have vegetables because
you know your husband hasn't hadvegetables in three meals or
(06:01):
whatever, so that's thinking ofhis good before your own.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
And staying with that food analogy, another example
If Leslie didn't like fish verymuch but I loved it which I
don't Making supper then,instead of because, again,
what's good for us is to eat,instead of you know, because,
again, what's good for us is toeat.
But if I knew that she really,really, really likes, you know,
(06:28):
chicken, but she doesn't likefish, making chicken for her
instead of making fish becauseit's what I want and she won't
eat.
It is the right choice to loveselflessly.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
If you haven't caught it, he does most of the cooking
in our house and I'm verythankful for that.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
Now, in the process of that, it leads us to the
second thing we want to pointout of how you can love your
spouse selflessly.
So, after you have the rightmindset, where you're thinking
about your spouse more thanyourself, or before yourself,
then be ready to compromise.
Now there are going to bethings that are going to be for
the good of both of you,something that you want, but be
ready to compromise.
(07:09):
I'll give you a great example.
If I decided you know, I reallywant a date.
We haven't been out for a while.
It's going to be good for bothof us.
I want a date, but then thinkingyou know, it started with what
I want.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But then thinking about myspouse as more important than
myself, the compromise is I'dlike to go on a date that I know
(07:29):
she'll like, instead of pickingsomething that I'm sure I'll
like but she might not, you know.
So being able to go to dinnerand a movie is something that
she would like.
I'll choose to do that insteadof seeing if she wants to go
fishing tonight with me, becauseI would love that, but she
might not as much.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Might not.
Okay, she wouldn't, definitelynot.
Yeah, definitely not.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
But being ready to compromise means because you
know your spouse, you know someof the things that make them
happy.
Now, again, because she lovesme, when she's considering me,
we may end up doing somethinglike going fishing or, you know,
going for a long walk, whichyou know sometimes isn't
necessarily her favorite of thethings to do, but she'll do
(08:13):
those things for me, I'll dothose things for her, and again,
it's not.
You shouldn't live selflessly,expecting your spouse to live
selflessly towards you, but thecool side effect is usually
that's what happens.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
I think that's a good caveat to talk about.
Right, there is because a lotof times we go into, hey, I'm
going to do this selfless act,and then there's the expectation
that my husband or my spouse isgoing to react in a certain way
and they don't.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
And then we hold them hostage with it and you know,
and remind them of all the goodwe did right, and that's not
what living selflessly or lovingselflessly is about that's
living like a terrorist right,right.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
and so you know, um, being able to love your spouse
selflessly, without expectation,is really important.
It's a really important thingto just be aware, just be aware
of your expectations that comeabout, because a lot of times we
have expectations that cause usto be disappointed when we're
(09:17):
trying something new or tryingsomething greater and those
expectations aren't met.
But don't give up, just keeptrying.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Right, and again, it's not.
You should never expectreciprocation, but over and,
over and over again, one of thethings that we've seen in our
relationship and I've seen it inothers' relationships too when
I am being genuinely loved in aselfless way, there is this
natural thing within me thatwants to love her back in a
(09:47):
selfless way.
Now again, don't have theexpectation of you should be
doing this, because I'm doingthis for you, but very often
that's what you'll see happen.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Are you and your spouse feeling distant lately?
There's a nagging fear in yourheart, isn't there the fear of
not knowing Not knowing if yourrelationship is at risk.
But don't worry because we havea solution for you, presenting
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(10:17):
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(10:37):
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Speaker 1 (10:49):
So far we've been talking about things, you know,
changing your mindset and thenbeing able to compromise with
how you do things, but it'ssomething that benefits both of
you.
Occasionally you're gonna findsomething that is going to be
very, very good for your spouse,but it's not necessarily
something that you really wantto do at all, but you know it's
(11:10):
good for them, or it's somethingthat they could do without you,
but it would be better if youwere there helping them, and in
those cases you might not wantto, because those types of
situations come up too, and soif we want to love selflessly,
let's address those.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
We're going to call those going the extra mile.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Go the extra mile for them.
Jesus in Matthew 5, 41 tellsall of us as followers of Christ
if anyone forces you to go onemile, go with him too.
Go that second mile.
And so what we get to see is,if there's something that I
could do that would benefit myspouse, I need to be willing to
go that extra mile and just goall the way.
(11:50):
Be careful that you don't tryto keep score in these areas.
Be careful that you don'tdevelop any kind of martyr
syndrome in these areas.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
Because some of these , sometimes this is hard,
because these are things thatyou don't want to do, you know,
but there's a need to do them,because you're thinking about
your spouse before you'rethinking about your own self,
and this is the area wheresacrifice really comes into play
, because you're sacrificing thethings that you want to do, or
(12:21):
you're sacrificing your own willbecause you know this is what's
best for your spouse.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Right and you know, and sometimes it's something
that that you would never do ifit was just you Understanding
that what you're doing isbecause of the love that you
have for your spouse and thiswill truly benefit them.
Needs to needs to really besomething you keep in the front
of your mind.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
An example of this that comes to mind is a couple
who is struggling having a childand they realize that having a
biological child is not going tobe in their future.
And if one of the spouses says,this is something that I want,
(13:08):
I want a biological child, andit divides the relationship,
that's not going the extra mile.
The extra mile would becommitting to the relationship
and committing to the marriageand saying, okay, I will give up
my dream of having a biolo, abiological child, and we find a
(13:29):
different way to make our familycomplete.
You know, that's what it whatit looks like by going the extra
mile.
It may be some of those really,really hard places in life that
you, in order to prioritize therelationship, you have to
sacrifice some of your dreams,some of your goals, some of your
(13:53):
time, some of your effort.
You know a lot of those things,anything really.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Well, and you know sometimes it's going to be
family related, sometimes it'sgoing to be work related.
You know your spouse may havesome kind of a company picnic
and they're really expected tobe there and you don't want to
go, but it's going to be goodfor them for you to go, and so
not only do you go, but you gowith the right attitude and the
right heart.
Going that extra mile doesn'tmean okay, I'll do it.
(14:19):
It means that you do it theright way and you do it for your
spouse is good.
You know it could also be someof the chores that go on.
You know there are certainchores that every single one of
us doesn't like to do and youknow you can really be a
blessing to your spouse when youcome alongside them in those
things that they just don't liketo do.
(14:41):
It's uncomfortable, theystruggle with it, it makes them
have all kinds of feelings thatattack their self-worth.
You could come alongside eventhough you might not like to put
away laundry or you may notlike to do dishes or power wash
(15:01):
the porch or whatever it is that.
You know maybe it's a once in aseason thing that you do.
Whatever it is.
That is that thing beingwilling to go the extra mile
with them and for them issomething that will bless you
greatly.
You know one of the things thatthat happened just recently.
Uh, we had a rainstorm comingin and I needed to weed the
(15:21):
front flower garden at our house, and so I'm out there trying to
beat the rain.
Leslie does not necessarilylike to pull weeds it is not her
favorite thing to do but beingout there with me was the
blessing not necessarily doingthe work and she didn't just
stay out there with me.
She stayed out there with meand helped a little bit, even
though I knew it was somethingthat she didn't like to do.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
I even planted a flower.
She even planted a flower andrepotted a flower.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
And you know that might seem like a small thing
but it's really not.
It wasn't something that sheenjoyed.
We were able to do it together.
It was something, you knowtrying to race to beat the storm
that was coming in put thatlittle bit of extra pressure on,
and she was willing to go thatextra mile in a place that
wasn't necessarily her favoriteplace to be, and so it's really
a blessing when you get to seethe opportunities to do those
(16:11):
things for your spouse.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
Now, our final thing that we'd like to encourage you
all to do is to make a consciouschoice to perform at least one
act of kindness daily.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
Just make it a goal to perform one act of kindness a
day.
Now, let's define an act ofkindness, because we're not
talking about a behavior that isdone with the intent of getting
something.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
That's not what we're talking about.
We're talking about a selflessact that you perform for your
spouse without the intention ofgetting anything in return.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Just because.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Just because you love them.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
And so it's going to look different in every single
couple's life.
It's going to look different ineach individual in how you are
able to show that act ofkindness towards your spouse.
We'll give you a few examples.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Here's one that we do and I love it is we get to
snuggle with each other.
That is non-sexual.
I like the sexual snuggling too, but the non-sexual touch is
because touch is one of my minorlove languages, but it's still
one of my love languages, so Ilove it when we get to snuggle.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
And you can do things like finding a chore that has
backed up and has caused stressand just without even mentioning
it, you just notice it.
So you could like go put thelaundry away, or you could
vacuum the rug just because yousaw it needed to be done, and
it's an act of kindness thatwould help make them your
spouse's day better, because oneof the things that's causing
(17:54):
your spouse stress has beenremoved from their plate.
Wives, one of the things thatyou can do for your husband is
to ask him what would make hisday less stressful, and do that
for him Now another act ofkindness this is one that you
know for a lot of us may gounnoticed, but the blessing
won't go unnoticed is make aconscious choice not to complain
(18:16):
about anything for the next 24hours.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Wait, what 24 hours.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Make a conscious choice not to complain, because
the blessing will be there, evenif it's not noticed the way it
should be.
The blessing will be there.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
We can do that, ladies.
We could do 24 hours Right.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
And gentlemen, you see your wife walk in with
groceries without being asked.
Just jump up and help grab thegrocery bags and take them where
they need to go Ladies flirt.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Yes, it's okay.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Yeah, it is okay, you should do that.
That's a good thing, gentlemen,you can make sure that you
compliment her correctly.
Don't say something that's nottrue, but acknowledge your wife.
That's the real word.
Acknowledge your wife, uh,regardless of who's there.
So if it's in front of yourfriends, in front of her friends
(19:06):
, doesn't matter.
Acknowledge what she does.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
I think that one is huge because it not only sends a
message connecting the couple,but it protects the couple.
And you know, because yourfriends will notice like there's
there's no fracture there, youknow there's no, there's.
It's it's game on with thatcouple.
(19:29):
Right that they're.
That couple is not going to beat risk for an affair because
when you're complimenting eachother in front of your friends,
like your friends know that youhave a rock solid relationship
you know, and but there's somany other things that you can
do you can plan some kind of areally fun date for one another.
(19:49):
You know, I think we hear a lotwe've heard a lot on social
media and whatever aboutcarrying the mental load.
I think this could come out inthat planning a date, because a
lot of times, like here's howthe conversation will go down
well, you want to go out Fridaynight?
Sure, I want to go out Fridaynight.
Okay, what do you want to do?
Well, I don't know.
I don't know what do you wantto do?
(20:11):
Where do you want to go eat?
And there's nobody willing tokind of step up to that mental
load and make those decisions.
You know, if you know husbands,especially if you know that
your wife is tired mentally,make those decisions for her or
give the choice hey, do you wantto go to this restaurant or
that restaurant?
So it's a smaller, smallermental load.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
Well, and it's not just on date night With some of
you.
You make so many decisionsthrough the week that you have
decision fatigue and you're wornout.
Like so many decisions throughthe week that you have decision
fatigue and you're worn out.
And so one of the ways to loveselflessly if I'm the spouse of
the person with decision fatigueis I can make those decisions
that they don't have to make.
I can make them so that it's ablessing for them.
(20:54):
Because those of you who are thedecision makers, all the time
there comes a point where youjust don't want to anymore.
But at the same time, there maybe an opportunity where you're
not making decisions about yourown life very often and the real
blessing is you being able tobe the one that makes that
(21:15):
decision.
So, again, recognize where yourspouse is at.
You know, if your spouse ismaking decisions for toddlers
all day but not for adults, andone of the things that would be
a great blessing to her is thatshe gets to make the grown-up
decisions tonight, you know that.
Love her by letting her do that.
If she's got decision fatigue,love her by making the decision
(21:35):
for her.
But again, do you see how?
It's not about what you'redoing.
It's about loving selflessly,recognizing a need.
It's about loving selflessly,recognizing a need and being
very intentional aboutperforming an act that will be
kind and loving when it'sreceived by your spouse.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Yeah, and I think talking about that about where
you're at and what the need isis so important and it makes
this so much easier becauseyou've talked about those things
, you know, you've connected onan intimate level and you know
what the needs are.
I'm going to link an article inthe show notes that has a
hundred different ways.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
So you can perform an act of kindness for your spouse
.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Yeah, that you can perform an act of kindness for
your spouse.
Some of them are pretty funnyand some of them are very doable
.
Right, most of them are verydoable, actually.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
Well, and with everything that we've looked at
today, regardless of where youare in your relationship, these
things are very, very doable,all four of them.
And so when we're talking aboutloving selflessly, the very
first thing again is just makesure that your mindset's right.
It's not always about you andwe don't mean to make it about
us, but sometimes we get stuckin such a rut that we're just on
(22:46):
autopilot doing things that areabout us Having the right
mindset that we can seek thegood of our spouse instead of
just what's good for us.
All of us can do this, but wehave to be intentional about it.
Intentional about it beingready to compromise, because
when we see something that wouldbe good for us, that I want to
(23:06):
do this for us, but then doingthe version that would bless my
wife the most, thinking of herfirst Example I want to go on a
date.
How about we go to the placesshe likes to go?
Those types of things Going theextra mile, because sometimes
you're called to not only beselfless, but to be selfless in
a way that isn't somethingthat's sacrificial.
(23:28):
You don't want to do it, but youget the privilege to do it.
And then, of course, being very, very purposeful about
performing an act of kindnessevery day to let your spouse
know I'm thinking about you, notjust about myself.
I love you, and I about myself.
I love you.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
And I want to demonstrate kindness to you, and
there's no expectation ofanything in return.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
That's huge, because no expectation of anything in
return is going to be a placewhere you get to see that love
be received, that selflessnessbe received.
And, over time, trust getsbuilt and faith grows.
So again we're Doug and LeslieDavis.
This is the Vision DrivenMarriage podcast.
(24:10):
Today we've been looking atloving selflessly.
We want to encourage you, whereyou're at, to love your spouse
selflessly, and we continue topray that God will solidify your
marriage.
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
(00:28):
Welcome to the Vision DrivenMarriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis andwe are so glad that you've
joined us today, and today we'regoing to be looking at loving
selflessly.
This is a topic that is reallyimportant after the interview
that we had last week that wasdirected toward couples who are
(00:48):
currently separated.
This is a preemptive approachto being able to do the things
that might have started a driftdifferently, so that the drift
goes away and you can drawcloser to one another instead of
finding yourself at a placewhere you're separated.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
You know, god gives us the opportunity every day to
love like Jesus, and if youdescribe the way that Jesus
loves, this word has got to beat the top of the list, and that
is that selfless love that heexuberated and he calls us to
(01:23):
love our spouse in that kind ofway.
So today we're going to talkabout four different ways to
love your spouse selflessly.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
And again, looking at the excitement.
This is whether you have beenreally loving your spouse in a
productive way, if you've beenstruggling a little bit, or even
if you feel yourself drifting,regardless of where you are.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
These are things that you can do that will improve
the status of your relationship,whether you're whatever the
status of your relationship isand I think when we started
formulating this content, we theword pre-emptive really came up
too, because after ourconversation last week on, you
know how to deal with arelationship that's already
(02:06):
separated, if you're alreadyseparated with your spouse.
You know, as we were talkingwith Randy prior last week, his
his skill set is to help couplesreconnect after they've already
separated, and one of thethings that just kept coming up
over and over again was he wasteaching men to connect with
their separated wives in a veryselfless way, and we just
(02:29):
noticed that that that was kindof an underlying thing, and so
we wanted to talk to you todayabout how to love selflessly.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Right.
And so, as we look at thosethings, the very first thing on
our list of ways that you canlove selflessly is to have the
right mindset, and it was one ofthe things that Randy talked
about early, but it also issomething that we get to read
about in 1 Corinthians 10 24,because God's word says no one
should seek his own good, butinstead the good of the other
(03:00):
person.
And we learned last week in theinterview that Randy tries to
encourage men do the right thingto love your separated spouse,
even when it means that youexpect nothing at all in return,
don't expect a certain reaction, don't expect reciprocation.
And one of the things that welearned from that is that that
(03:22):
kind of a mindset is somethingthat will help you be able to
love your spouse better whileyou are married.
It's not something that shouldjust be expected when you've
reached the point of separation.
So, preemptively, have theright mindset.
Do what's good for your spouse,expecting nothing in return.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
I think one of the hard part about this is because
we hear that verse that no oneshould seek his own good and
people stop listening rightthere because the thought is
that if I don't seek my own good, nobody's going to seek my own
good.
And that's not true, becausewhen you implement this verse
and the truth of this verse, godis going to be the one that
(04:08):
seeks your own good.
And that's sometimes a reallyhard transition in our Christian
walk to put into place, but wejust have to have faith that
that's true, that when we startputting the good of our spouse
before seeking our own good,that God is going to honor that
and good things are going tocome of that, regardless of what
(04:29):
that may look like, even if wedon't know what like that's what
faith is right Not knowing that, knowing of the things that are
.
I'm misquoting that, quote thatverse.
What is that Faith is?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
evidence of things unseen, that's it, evidence of
things unseen.
And as we look at what thisverse really says don't seek
your own good, but instead thegood of the other person.
It doesn't mean that you shouldnever seek your own good.
I mean we know that if you'rehungry, you should eat, and
that's for your good, and whenyou're tired you should sleep.
Those are things that are foryour good.
(05:03):
So it doesn't say don't seekyour own good.
What it says is, instead ofseeking your own good in every
situation, you're supposed toseek the good of the other
person.
In this case, seek the good ofyour spouse.
And so when what's good for yourspouse is different than what
you think is good for you, seekwhat's good for your spouse.
You know it doesn't mean thatyou're not going to receive the
(05:23):
things you need.
God's faithful and Leslie justshared absolutely God's faithful
.
He's going to provide for youand you're supposed to do the
things that are good for youwhen God shows you that they're
there.
Get sleep when you need it, Eatwhen you need to Do those
things, but when it comes intoconflict with what's good for
your spouse, do what's good foryour spouse.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
I like that example of when you're hungry, eat.
A good example of thinkingabout what would be good for
your spouse is that if you knowyour spouse hasn't had
vegetables for three or fourmeals and you guys are hungry
and you're planning the mealplan to have vegetables because
you know your husband hasn't hadvegetables in three meals or
(06:01):
whatever, so that's thinking ofhis good before your own.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
And staying with that food analogy, another example
If Leslie didn't like fish verymuch but I loved it which I
don't Making supper then,instead of because, again,
what's good for us is to eat,instead of you know, because,
again, what's good for us is toeat.
But if I knew that she really,really, really likes, you know,
(06:28):
chicken, but she doesn't likefish, making chicken for her
instead of making fish becauseit's what I want and she won't
eat.
It is the right choice to loveselflessly.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
If you haven't caught it, he does most of the cooking
in our house and I'm verythankful for that.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
Now, in the process of that, it leads us to the
second thing we want to pointout of how you can love your
spouse selflessly.
So, after you have the rightmindset, where you're thinking
about your spouse more thanyourself, or before yourself,
then be ready to compromise.
Now there are going to bethings that are going to be for
the good of both of you,something that you want, but be
ready to compromise.
(07:09):
I'll give you a great example.
If I decided you know, I reallywant a date.
We haven't been out for a while.
It's going to be good for bothof us.
I want a date, but then thinkingyou know, it started with what
I want.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But then thinking about myspouse as more important than
myself, the compromise is I'dlike to go on a date that I know
(07:29):
she'll like, instead of pickingsomething that I'm sure I'll
like but she might not, you know.
So being able to go to dinnerand a movie is something that
she would like.
I'll choose to do that insteadof seeing if she wants to go
fishing tonight with me, becauseI would love that, but she
might not as much.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Might not.
Okay, she wouldn't, definitelynot.
Yeah, definitely not.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
But being ready to compromise means because you
know your spouse, you know someof the things that make them
happy.
Now, again, because she lovesme, when she's considering me,
we may end up doing somethinglike going fishing or, you know,
going for a long walk, whichyou know sometimes isn't
necessarily her favorite of thethings to do, but she'll do
(08:13):
those things for me, I'll dothose things for her, and again,
it's not.
You shouldn't live selflessly,expecting your spouse to live
selflessly towards you, but thecool side effect is usually
that's what happens.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
I think that's a good caveat to talk about.
Right, there is because a lotof times we go into, hey, I'm
going to do this selfless act,and then there's the expectation
that my husband or my spouse isgoing to react in a certain way
and they don't.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
And then we hold them hostage with it and you know,
and remind them of all the goodwe did right, and that's not
what living selflessly or lovingselflessly is about that's
living like a terrorist right,right.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
and so you know, um, being able to love your spouse
selflessly, without expectation,is really important.
It's a really important thingto just be aware, just be aware
of your expectations that comeabout, because a lot of times we
have expectations that cause usto be disappointed when we're
(09:17):
trying something new or tryingsomething greater and those
expectations aren't met.
But don't give up, just keeptrying.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Right, and again, it's not.
You should never expectreciprocation, but over and,
over and over again, one of thethings that we've seen in our
relationship and I've seen it inothers' relationships too when
I am being genuinely loved in aselfless way, there is this
natural thing within me thatwants to love her back in a
(09:47):
selfless way.
Now again, don't have theexpectation of you should be
doing this, because I'm doingthis for you, but very often
that's what you'll see happen.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
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Speaker 1 (10:49):
So far we've been talking about things, you know,
changing your mindset and thenbeing able to compromise with
how you do things, but it'ssomething that benefits both of
you.
Occasionally you're gonna findsomething that is going to be
very, very good for your spouse,but it's not necessarily
something that you really wantto do at all, but you know it's
(11:10):
good for them, or it's somethingthat they could do without you,
but it would be better if youwere there helping them, and in
those cases you might not wantto, because those types of
situations come up too, and soif we want to love selflessly,
let's address those.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
We're going to call those going the extra mile.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Go the extra mile for them.
Jesus in Matthew 5, 41 tellsall of us as followers of Christ
if anyone forces you to go onemile, go with him too.
Go that second mile.
And so what we get to see is,if there's something that I
could do that would benefit myspouse, I need to be willing to
go that extra mile and just goall the way.
(11:50):
Be careful that you don't tryto keep score in these areas.
Be careful that you don'tdevelop any kind of martyr
syndrome in these areas.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
Because some of these , sometimes this is hard,
because these are things thatyou don't want to do, you know,
but there's a need to do them,because you're thinking about
your spouse before you'rethinking about your own self,
and this is the area wheresacrifice really comes into play
, because you're sacrificing thethings that you want to do, or
(12:21):
you're sacrificing your own willbecause you know this is what's
best for your spouse.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Right and you know, and sometimes it's something
that that you would never do ifit was just you Understanding
that what you're doing isbecause of the love that you
have for your spouse and thiswill truly benefit them.
Needs to needs to really besomething you keep in the front
of your mind.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
An example of this that comes to mind is a couple
who is struggling having a childand they realize that having a
biological child is not going tobe in their future.
And if one of the spouses says,this is something that I want,
(13:08):
I want a biological child, andit divides the relationship,
that's not going the extra mile.
The extra mile would becommitting to the relationship
and committing to the marriageand saying, okay, I will give up
my dream of having a biolo, abiological child, and we find a
(13:29):
different way to make our familycomplete.
You know, that's what it whatit looks like by going the extra
mile.
It may be some of those really,really hard places in life that
you, in order to prioritize therelationship, you have to
sacrifice some of your dreams,some of your goals, some of your
(13:53):
time, some of your effort.
You know a lot of those things,anything really.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Well, and you know sometimes it's going to be
family related, sometimes it'sgoing to be work related.
You know your spouse may havesome kind of a company picnic
and they're really expected tobe there and you don't want to
go, but it's going to be goodfor them for you to go, and so
not only do you go, but you gowith the right attitude and the
right heart.
Going that extra mile doesn'tmean okay, I'll do it.
(14:19):
It means that you do it theright way and you do it for your
spouse is good.
You know it could also be someof the chores that go on.
You know there are certainchores that every single one of
us doesn't like to do and youknow you can really be a
blessing to your spouse when youcome alongside them in those
things that they just don't liketo do.
(14:41):
It's uncomfortable, theystruggle with it, it makes them
have all kinds of feelings thatattack their self-worth.
You could come alongside eventhough you might not like to put
away laundry or you may notlike to do dishes or power wash
(15:01):
the porch or whatever it is that.
You know maybe it's a once in aseason thing that you do.
Whatever it is.
That is that thing beingwilling to go the extra mile
with them and for them issomething that will bless you
greatly.
You know one of the things thatthat happened just recently.
Uh, we had a rainstorm comingin and I needed to weed the
(15:21):
front flower garden at our house, and so I'm out there trying to
beat the rain.
Leslie does not necessarilylike to pull weeds it is not her
favorite thing to do but beingout there with me was the
blessing not necessarily doingthe work and she didn't just
stay out there with me.
She stayed out there with meand helped a little bit, even
though I knew it was somethingthat she didn't like to do.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
I even planted a flower.
She even planted a flower andrepotted a flower.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
And you know that might seem like a small thing
but it's really not.
It wasn't something that sheenjoyed.
We were able to do it together.
It was something, you knowtrying to race to beat the storm
that was coming in put thatlittle bit of extra pressure on,
and she was willing to go thatextra mile in a place that
wasn't necessarily her favoriteplace to be, and so it's really
a blessing when you get to seethe opportunities to do those
(16:11):
things for your spouse.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
Now, our final thing that we'd like to encourage you
all to do is to make a consciouschoice to perform at least one
act of kindness daily.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
Just make it a goal to perform one act of kindness a
day.
Now, let's define an act ofkindness, because we're not
talking about a behavior that isdone with the intent of getting
something.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
That's not what we're talking about.
We're talking about a selflessact that you perform for your
spouse without the intention ofgetting anything in return.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Just because.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Just because you love them.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
And so it's going to look different in every single
couple's life.
It's going to look different ineach individual in how you are
able to show that act ofkindness towards your spouse.
We'll give you a few examples.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Here's one that we do and I love it is we get to
snuggle with each other.
That is non-sexual.
I like the sexual snuggling too, but the non-sexual touch is
because touch is one of my minorlove languages, but it's still
one of my love languages, so Ilove it when we get to snuggle.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
And you can do things like finding a chore that has
backed up and has caused stressand just without even mentioning
it, you just notice it.
So you could like go put thelaundry away, or you could
vacuum the rug just because yousaw it needed to be done, and
it's an act of kindness thatwould help make them your
spouse's day better, because oneof the things that's causing
(17:54):
your spouse stress has beenremoved from their plate.
Wives, one of the things thatyou can do for your husband is
to ask him what would make hisday less stressful, and do that
for him Now another act ofkindness this is one that you
know for a lot of us may gounnoticed, but the blessing
won't go unnoticed is make aconscious choice not to complain
(18:16):
about anything for the next 24hours.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Wait, what 24 hours.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Make a conscious choice not to complain, because
the blessing will be there, evenif it's not noticed the way it
should be.
The blessing will be there.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
We can do that, ladies.
We could do 24 hours Right.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
And gentlemen, you see your wife walk in with
groceries without being asked.
Just jump up and help grab thegrocery bags and take them where
they need to go Ladies flirt.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Yes, it's okay.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Yeah, it is okay, you should do that.
That's a good thing, gentlemen,you can make sure that you
compliment her correctly.
Don't say something that's nottrue, but acknowledge your wife.
That's the real word.
Acknowledge your wife, uh,regardless of who's there.
So if it's in front of yourfriends, in front of her friends
(19:06):
, doesn't matter.
Acknowledge what she does.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
I think that one is huge because it not only sends a
message connecting the couple,but it protects the couple.
And you know, because yourfriends will notice like there's
there's no fracture there, youknow there's no, there's.
It's it's game on with thatcouple.
(19:29):
Right that they're.
That couple is not going to beat risk for an affair because
when you're complimenting eachother in front of your friends,
like your friends know that youhave a rock solid relationship
you know, and but there's somany other things that you can
do you can plan some kind of areally fun date for one another.
(19:49):
You know, I think we hear a lotwe've heard a lot on social
media and whatever aboutcarrying the mental load.
I think this could come out inthat planning a date, because a
lot of times, like here's howthe conversation will go down
well, you want to go out Fridaynight?
Sure, I want to go out Fridaynight.
Okay, what do you want to do?
Well, I don't know.
I don't know what do you wantto do?
(20:11):
Where do you want to go eat?
And there's nobody willing tokind of step up to that mental
load and make those decisions.
You know, if you know husbands,especially if you know that
your wife is tired mentally,make those decisions for her or
give the choice hey, do you wantto go to this restaurant or
that restaurant?
So it's a smaller, smallermental load.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
Well, and it's not just on date night With some of
you.
You make so many decisionsthrough the week that you have
decision fatigue and you're wornout.
Like so many decisions throughthe week that you have decision
fatigue and you're worn out.
And so one of the ways to loveselflessly if I'm the spouse of
the person with decision fatigueis I can make those decisions
that they don't have to make.
I can make them so that it's ablessing for them.
(20:54):
Because those of you who are thedecision makers, all the time
there comes a point where youjust don't want to anymore.
But at the same time, there maybe an opportunity where you're
not making decisions about yourown life very often and the real
blessing is you being able tobe the one that makes that
(21:15):
decision.
So, again, recognize where yourspouse is at.
You know, if your spouse ismaking decisions for toddlers
all day but not for adults, andone of the things that would be
a great blessing to her is thatshe gets to make the grown-up
decisions tonight, you know that.
Love her by letting her do that.
If she's got decision fatigue,love her by making the decision
(21:35):
for her.
But again, do you see how?
It's not about what you'redoing.
It's about loving selflessly,recognizing a need.
It's about loving selflessly,recognizing a need and being
very intentional aboutperforming an act that will be
kind and loving when it'sreceived by your spouse.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Yeah, and I think talking about that about where
you're at and what the need isis so important and it makes
this so much easier becauseyou've talked about those things
, you know, you've connected onan intimate level and you know
what the needs are.
I'm going to link an article inthe show notes that has a
hundred different ways.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
So you can perform an act of kindness for your spouse
.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Yeah, that you can perform an act of kindness for
your spouse.
Some of them are pretty funnyand some of them are very doable
.
Right, most of them are verydoable, actually.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
Well, and with everything that we've looked at
today, regardless of where youare in your relationship, these
things are very, very doable,all four of them.
And so when we're talking aboutloving selflessly, the very
first thing again is just makesure that your mindset's right.
It's not always about you andwe don't mean to make it about
us, but sometimes we get stuckin such a rut that we're just on
(22:46):
autopilot doing things that areabout us Having the right
mindset that we can seek thegood of our spouse instead of
just what's good for us.
All of us can do this, but wehave to be intentional about it.
Intentional about it beingready to compromise, because
when we see something that wouldbe good for us, that I want to
(23:06):
do this for us, but then doingthe version that would bless my
wife the most, thinking of herfirst Example I want to go on a
date.
How about we go to the placesshe likes to go?
Those types of things Going theextra mile, because sometimes
you're called to not only beselfless, but to be selfless in
a way that isn't somethingthat's sacrificial.
(23:28):
You don't want to do it, but youget the privilege to do it.
And then, of course, being very, very purposeful about
performing an act of kindnessevery day to let your spouse
know I'm thinking about you, notjust about myself.
I love you, and I about myself.
I love you.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
And I want to demonstrate kindness to you, and
there's no expectation ofanything in return.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
That's huge, because no expectation of anything in
return is going to be a placewhere you get to see that love
be received, that selflessnessbe received.
And, over time, trust getsbuilt and faith grows.
So again we're Doug and LeslieDavis.
This is the Vision DrivenMarriage podcast.
(24:10):
Today we've been looking atloving selflessly.
We want to encourage you, whereyou're at, to love your spouse
selflessly, and we continue topray that God will solidify your
marriage.
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