Ever found yourself lost in translation within your own marriage? This week on The Vision-Driven Marriage we drop a throwback episode to continue on our quest to help you avoid separation. In this episode we return to episode 4 of the podcast to discuss the importance of understanding our differences and giving grace in times when communication is difficult. We tackle the perplexing scenarios of disconnect that crop up during heated moments, dissecting how to triumph over miscommunication and foster a deeper understanding with your spouse.
The dance of dialogue between life partners is intricate, but what if you had the steps to move in sync, even when the music seems offbeat? In our conversation, we lay out actionable strategies for resolving disagreements and prioritizing each other's emotional needs. We share stories of forgiveness and the art of scheduling conflict resolution, ensuring that the day doesn't end with unresolved tensions. Our discussion is not just about weathering the storm—it's about building a stronger vessel together.
Closing with a moment of spiritual reflection, we explore the role of faith in fortifying communication within marriage. We offer up a prayer for clarity and unity, seeking divine assistance to knock down barriers and align our hearts with a purpose that transcends our own. Tune in to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast, and let's start speaking the same language of love.
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The three deterrents are gender differences, childhood habits, and unspoken, unmet expectations.
Proverbs 25:11 A word spoken at the right time is like gold apples in silver settings.
Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Eph 4:26 Don't let the sun go down on your anger.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello friend, welcome back to another episode of the
Vision Driven Marriage podcast,where we're dedicated to
encourage and equip you forlifelong love, and we pray that
God will solidify your marriage.
I'm one of your hosts, leslieDavis, and today we're
continuing our mission to avoidseparation and foster deeper
connection within our marriages.
(00:20):
In our last episode, weexplored open and honest
communication.
We discussed how authenticityand transparency can transform
our interactions and bring uscloser to our spouses.
If you haven't had a chance tolisten to that episode yet, I
would highly recommend goingback and checking it out.
Today, we're dropping athrowback episode that focuses
(00:41):
on the obstacles that can hindereffective communication.
In episode four that dropped onJanuary 20th 2023, we discussed
three deterrents tocommunication.
We also grounded our discussionin biblical wisdom.
We shared Proverbs 25, 11 andEphesians 4, 31 and Ephesians 4,
26 to provide spiritualinsights to overcoming these
(01:04):
challenges.
So sit back, relax and let'sdive into this throwback episode
of the Vision Driven Marriage.
Together, we'll learn how tonavigate those roadblocks and
move toward a more fulfillingand connected marriage.
Let's get started.
Welcome to the vision drivenmarriage podcast.
(01:33):
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Communication is an issue that married couples have
to deal with a lot, andsometimes we just don't deal
with it very well.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
So today we're going to talk about three really big
deterrents to communication andwe're going to give about three
really big deterrents tocommunication.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
And we're going to give you some things you can
plug in today to be able to helpmake your communication a
little better, in spite of thosedeterrents.
So here's the first one.
Deterrent number one Men andwomen are different.
Now, you've all seen the booksabout how men are from Mars and
women are from Venus and you'veseen all the articles and all of
the experts who've shared thisobvious truth with us.
(02:29):
But it gets in the way of ourcommunication and sometimes in
some pretty obvious ways thatI've seen in the pastoral office
and I know Leslie's seen in thecounseling office, and often
it's because of thosedifferences that we fail to
communicate properly.
Let me give you an example.
Sometimes we just don'tunderstand each other and then
(02:51):
we don't say what we mean.
For example, how many of youhave been in the position where
you have asked your husband whatare you thinking about?
What's his answer?
That he gave Nothing.
And when he said nothing, howdid you feel?
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Like he was lying to me.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
And shutting you out.
Now I know right now, for thoseof you who are wondering no, we
have not been spying on you.
In your home, couples deal withthis all the time, and so let
me go ahead and help you outwith just a little bit.
First of all, ladies, I knowthat this is really difficult to
process, but when your husbandsays I'm not thinking about
anything in particular, he's notlying to you and he's not
(03:31):
shutting you out.
Sometimes we just shut ourbrains off and he's actually
telling you the truth.
But, guys, please don'tmisunderstand this.
Your wife cannot understandthat, because there's never a
moment where she's notcontemplating something that's
very important to her, and so,because of that incredible
difference, communication canfeel more difficult than it
(03:51):
ought to, and it can even feellike you're shutting each other
out.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Yeah, and there's been times where, in the course
of that, asking, well, what areyou thinking about?
That's not really the questionthat I would mean to ask.
It's not what are you thinkingabout?
That's not really the questionthat I would mean to ask.
It's not what are you thinkingabout?
I would really need to saysomething like instead of what
are you thinking about?
I would need to say I need youropinion on XYZ.
(04:20):
So that's one of the otherstruggles, or the other
differences between men andwomen is that sometimes we don't
say what we mean and we need tospeak with clarity and say okay
, here's what I really mean.
You know, we see this a lothappen, a lot in funerals, don't
we?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Well, and see, it's human nature to want to
communicate but to not reallyunderstand how to make sure that
the second part ofcommunication happens.
You see, too often we thinktalking is communicating and
it's not.
Communication only happens whenwhat I'm saying is received and
heard, and so if it's not heard, it wasn't communicated.
(05:01):
I was just talking.
Let me give you an example ofhow human nature gets in the way
.
How many of you have eitherbeen this guest or you've been
at a funeral, where somebodycomes up at a funeral and what
they mean is I love you and I'mreally sorry that you're hurting
, and I wish you weren't hurting.
What they say is I know how youfeel and they don't, but we've
(05:22):
all been there, right, right?
How many times in our marriagesare we saying something with a
meaning that our spouse doesn'tunderstand, because our spouse
wouldn't mean the same thing ifour spouse said the same words.
And so we need to learn tocommunicate clearly.
We'll give you a couple ofexamples of why that's going to
be such an important thing, ofwhy that's going to be such an
(05:50):
important thing for you to do inyour marriage.
One of the things that we'veseen over and over again in the
counseling office is somethingthat I want to ask all of you at
home right now.
Okay, so just focus for just amoment on this question and give
your honest answer.
If you knew for sure what yourspouse needed and it was within
your ability to give it, wouldyou do it Now?
(06:14):
Once again, I can't see in yourhome right now, but I know your
answer was yes, absolutely, andthere was no hesitation.
Communication allows you to beable to tap into that resource
that you already have.
You already have a desire and agenuine commitment to do
something for your spouse if itwould help them, if it was
within your ability to do it.
But if Leslie asks me what areyou thinking and that's not what
(06:36):
she means it can actually drivea wedge, because I'll tell her
the truth Right now I'm reallynot thinking about anything.
Or she may ask me how do youfeel about something?
And the honest answer that Ihave to give is I don't know how
I feel about it, but as men, wedon't like to even think about
how we feel about something whenwe don't feel anything about it
(06:59):
, and so being able tocommunicate is going to be
taking the time to slow down tosay what you actually mean and
to be able to give an answerthat's honest, even if you know
it's not exactly what yourspouse was expecting.
So, instead of asking what areyou thinking?
What are some examples of somethings you could actually do
that would get to the issue youwere trying to address?
Speaker 1 (07:25):
to the issue you were trying to address.
Well, I think, ask, I thinkasking a question clearly, like
I, and saying what you need, youknow, I need specifically your
opinion on X Y Z, or, instead ofyou know what you know, what
are you thinking about?
Ask more specifically how didyour day go in regards to X Y Z,
you know, or maybe it was asituation that you know you had
(07:46):
talked about previously orwhatever, and you wanted to know
.
You know how that situation wasplaying out.
And I think one of the otherthings that's really important
to note here is that when youask kind of a vague question and
it's not answered the way thatyou expect, you've got to be
able to give grace and know thatthere's a process in learning
(08:07):
how to do things better eachtime, and so you give grace and
maybe rephrase the question orask the question again.
But don't assume that theintentions were negative to
start with, like when you say Idon't know or I wasn't thinking
anything.
You know we've learned not toassume that you're that I'm
(08:28):
being shut out or that I'mtrying to shut you out or
whatever.
You know we give each other thebenefit of the doubt.
Right, Well, and likewise, guys.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
You've got to be able to give grace.
Also, once you realize that itmay be something that's beyond
the question that was actuallyasked, be able to give an answer
that is very upfront and loving, so that she knows she's not
shut out.
She may ask me what are youthinking about?
And instead of just sayingnothing, I'll just tell her.
I really have shut my mind off.
(08:58):
I've had a long day and I'mjust sitting here truly trying
to recover from all of thethings I went through today.
I'm not thinking about any onething in particular.
Now I know that that's somethingthat you know well.
Maybe if I just said I'm notthinking about anything, that
should be understood.
But we've clarified it mightnot be because we don't operate
(09:20):
the same way, and aren't youglad that men and women don't
think about things the same way?
Together, we're able to dothings we could never do by
ourselves because we think sodifferently.
But communication suffers andit doesn't have to.
So you need to learn to givegrace and you need to learn to
be able to say more clearly whatyou actually mean.
Whether you're the one askingthe questions or you're the one
(09:42):
answering the questions, stateit clearly so that there is a
connection rather than ananticipation of being shut out,
because you don't want to shutyour spouse out, but let them
know that you want them in.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
And I think you know adding to here if there's a lack
of clarity in you know, in theconversation, it's okay to ask
for more information.
You know, like if I were to saywhat were you thinking, you
know what.
You know, what are you thinkingabout?
And you, you, if you didn'tknow what I was talking about,
you would offer an open-endedquestion.
(10:16):
That said, in regards to what?
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Right, because think about how that could be so many
different things.
She might be noticing that Ihave a look on my face that
looks like I'm concerned aboutsomething, and what she really
means is is there somethingtroubling you?
She didn't say that, but thatmight be so.
If you start to ask questionsand respond to each other, make
an intentional effort to leteach other in, you might get to
(10:41):
the root of what's really beingasked.
Your communication will getbetter.
But you need to give grace bothways.
If you're not getting theanswer you expected from a
question, understand you mightnot be using the words you
actually meant and give grace.
And if you're answering andgetting a strange look words you
actually meant and give grace.
And if you're answering andgetting a strange look, realize
(11:03):
that your answer might not havebeen something that was very
clear at all and also give grace.
Communicate with each other,understanding that sometimes it
takes two or three attemptsbefore you get to the heart of
what you're really talking about.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Right, I know early on we struggled with that
pattern and then we would getfrustrated and then the
conversation would get heated.
You know it would beemotionally negatively charged
and our childhood patterns wouldkick in and Doug came from a
family that when you had adisagreement you pressed into
(11:34):
that and you fixed it right thenand you talked about it and you
know everybody came to thetable and they talked about it
and until it was fixed Right.
I came from a family backgroundwhere I needed to have time to
cool off, like I, if I were inan emotionally charged situation
, there was usually some flyingoff of the of the handle.
(11:56):
There was usually some flyingoff of the handle and so I
needed to back out and take abreather for a long period of
time.
What he would consider a longperiod of time you know I didn't
think you know 30 minutes or anhour or two hours or a shopping
trip, would be considered along period of time, but to him
that was an extremely longperiod of time because he was
(12:17):
used to coming to the table andfixing it right then.
So, needless to say, when westarted having those, I wouldn't
say we argued much, but wewould definitely- Disagree.
Yeah, I would say we woulddefinitely have some
disagreements early on, kind ofthe butting of the heads, and I
would need to move out, like notmove out, but to remove myself
(12:40):
from the situation in order tohave time to calm down and
collect my thoughts and processwhat just happened and he would
be like, no, we need to pressinto this, we need to fix this
right now.
And we, we, we disagreed on howthat actually should go, didn't
we?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
And so it leads us to hindrance number two.
Which hindrance number two tocommunication is your childhood
patterns, and it doesn't evenhave to be from childhood, but
the patterns that you've alreadyexperienced, creating a habit
that hinders your ability tocommunicate Now with us.
As Leslie just shared, wheneverwe would disagree and you've
(13:16):
all noticed this when youdisagree, things become
intensified, your emotions areintensified, and so you don't
react the way that you wouldreact when you're having a
discussion that's calm, and oneof the things that we've noticed
right away is that couples thatwe talk to repeatedly share
(13:37):
with us that, once they get hurt, they struggle with the desire
to hurt back.
It's something that we can alldo, and nobody wants to get to
that place.
We want to be able tocommunicate, we don't want to
fight.
So what do you do when yourchildhood patterns are so very
different that yourcommunication styles are
(13:58):
different?
Now again, leslie, whenever wewould have a disagreement, she
wanted time to process it and tocool off and to leave the room
Alone.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Alone, alone.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
I wanted, you know, come back here, let's get this
done right now, because I feltlike it was something that
needed to be taken care of,because I wanted the unity.
We both wanted the same thing.
We wanted to be able to speakclearly, to come together in
unity, but the way that we weregoing to get there was very,
very different.
(14:28):
Some of you might be able toidentify with that right away.
So what exactly do you do to beable to fix that situation?
Well, one of the things youneed to understand is you've all
had the experiences that youknow.
We all went through experiencewhere we've already had the
disagreements.
We've already had the verbalfights.
(14:49):
At that point, you probably saidsome things you absolutely
didn't mean.
You were disagreeable with eachother and it was difficult and
you feel horrible about it.
The very first thing is, withthose things that have already
happened, truly be able toforgive and let it go.
But the solutions lie more inhow can we proactively come up
(15:13):
with a different communicationpattern during the times we're
not upset with each other.
So, during a time where thingsaren't heated, we need to plug
in a plan that we think willbenefit both of us.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Yeah, and our plan looked a lot like.
Okay, we have to decide what isan acceptable time to be able to
take a step back from thedisagreement and then come back
in and, um, we agreed on 10 to15 minutes, which was enough
(15:43):
time most of the time right,which was enough to allow me to
process and to kind of uh, thinkthrough the things that had
been said and actually what um,the, what the purpose was, what
my intent was you know where myheart was at in the conversation
and then be able to come backand clearly explain those things
(16:04):
that I got a good handle onwhile I was you know, processing
it on my own, and it allowedfor you to say, okay, well, it's
not 30 minutes, it's not ashopping trip, it's not.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Well, more importantly, it's not something
that we're going to ignore.
We actually set a time, and soit gave her time to process
things.
It gave me the understanding weare going to come back together
, and it gave us the ability, asa couple, to seek after God's
heart too, because God's heartin Ephesians, chapter 4, he
tells us not to let the sun godown on our anger, and so when
(16:41):
we have a disagreement, you needto take care of it before you
go to sleep that night.
Now, again, you might have adifferent way that you set up
that pattern.
That's what we did, but it alsogave us an opportunity to do
something pretty cool in themidst of a time of communication
.
That could have been a struggle.
We were struggling tocommunicate.
However, it gave us anopportunity to love each other
and to respect each other in themidst of the disagreement.
Here's why I knew that shewanted time, and she wanted a
(17:04):
lot of time, and being able togive up what I wanted, which is
come back here right now, let'sdeal with this, was an immediate
opportunity for me to say eventhough I want to deal with it
right now I love you and respectyou enough that I'm going to
give you the time that you need,because I know you need it, I
know it's legitimate and it'snot about me and she was able to
(17:27):
set a time right away.
We are going to come backtogether, even though right now
I just want my space Immediately.
She was able to show love andrespect by saying we are going
to come back together to talkabout this, knowing that's
something that I needed.
And so, even in the verybeginning of a disagreement, it
was an opportunity for us todemonstrate that we cared more
(17:48):
about each other than we caredabout our own patterns of
behavior that had beenestablished since childhood.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
And what happened because of that is that it began
to build trust and it began tobuild an emotional connection
that went far above and beyondjust saying that you're sorry
for, or apologizing, or givingforgiveness for whatever the
disagreement was, and I thinkthat was more productive and
(18:15):
more solidifying in our marriagethan just fixing whatever it
was that we were disagreeingwith to start with, because that
emotional connection like Iknew you would allow me my
space- in order to process that.
That wasn't going to be an areaof contention, because I needed
that process in order to workout the disagreement.
(18:37):
I needed that process in orderto work out the disagreement,
you know, and so so it built alevel of trust in our
relationship that was veryvaluable.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
And there was something else that was a God
blessed and God ordained thingthat we hadn't even
intentionally done, but we wantto share it with you, um, as the
early couple of years of ourmarriage, as we continued to try
to give each other, I wouldgive her space, she would come
back together so we could talkto give that as a gift to me.
(19:05):
It wasn't always a 15 minutething, sometimes it was longer,
sometimes it was shorter, butwhat we ended up noticing was
and you've probably seen this inyour own relationship even
though during a disagreementyou're both upset, somebody had
their feelings hurt first,somebody was upset first, and
one of the things that I noticedstarted to happen is if she was
(19:25):
the one who got upset first, wewould take a longer period of
time before we came back to talkabout it, because that's what
she needed.
And if I was the one who gotupset first and again, this was
just God's design, we didn't doit intentionally, but I want to
share it with you so you can doit intentionally If I was the
one that got upset first, ourtime would actually be shorter
and I would get what I neededfaster, and so we want to
(19:47):
encourage you to plug that in Ifyou have something similar be
able to demonstrate both loveand respect to your spouse by
immediately giving them whatthey need in that situation so
that you can communicate, andtry see if it works for you.
Try playing by the rules of theone who got upset first to the
best of your ability so thatit'll foster communication that
(20:10):
will be healthier.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
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(20:33):
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(20:53):
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Keep in mind that I mean reallykeep in mind that this is a
process.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
Oh yes.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
Like you've got to give yourself grace because it's
not going to, it's not gonnawork smoothly, just like when
you're trying to change any kindof pattern.
There's a learning curve andyou've got to give each other
grace because this isn't goingto work smoothly all the time.
But you've got to be able tokind of trust the process that
when you lean into somethingthat is God-ordained, he's going
(21:34):
to bless that.
You know he's going toeventually that it's going to
work smoothly.
But you've got to give yourselfgrace as the as you first step
into that process.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
I'd encourage you to give two things Absolutely you
need to give grace.
You also need to be able togive forgiveness Now, um, after
you have tried to do somethingdifferently and you failed at it
.
Give each other forgiveness torealize you're not going to get
be perfect at it right away.
It's going to be a process thatwill take some time.
But then give each other graceto be able to do it the way you
(22:07):
would prefer, instead ofaccording to the old habits the
next time.
So give each other grace aheadof time, preemptively.
Give each other forgivenesswhen you don't quite do it right
, but don't give up.
Continue to try to do it right.
We learn how to do things bypressing into what God's given
to us, and wouldn't it bewonderful if it was always done
exactly right the first time.
But we all know it's not.
Don't give up.
Be able to forgive.
(22:28):
Give each other grace.
But it leads to our thirddeterrent.
Our third deterrent is one thatmakes so much sense, but we
don't think about it oftenenough.
It's when there are unvoicedthings in our relationship.
Now, the primary thing we'regoing to look at as a deterrent
is an unvoiced, unmetexpectation.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
I've heard it said.
I mean many counselors andmarriage therapists have said
that you know, the top threethings, or the top two things
that undermine a marriage, islove and sex.
Right, those are the two thingsthat are money and sex.
Those are the two things thatcouples fight about the most is
money and sex.
(23:11):
But in reality, what they'refighting about is unspoken,
unmet expectations about moneyand sex.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
It's nearly always a lack of communication about that
area rather than the areaitself.
Now, when we start talking aboutunvoiced issues, let me start
with one.
That is something that isn'tabout the unmet expectations,
although we all should have thisexpectation.
I want to encourage all of youright now to recognize the fact
(23:47):
that there are things that youthink every day, that you don't
say out loud, that are positiveand uplifting and encouraging.
Now, when we look at Proverbs25, 11, we know that a fitly
spoken word is like apples ofgold in settings of silver.
Right, but we don't share theencouraging things.
We don't share the upliftingthings often enough.
(24:07):
I can't tell you how many timesdozens on a bad day, hundreds
on a normal day how many times Ithink things that I don't share
with my wife that I should like.
I watch her interact with ourgranddaughters and all I can
think is she's such a goodgrandma.
Or I see her do somethingthat's kind and all I can think
(24:28):
is she has such a good heart.
Or I see her smile and I thinkshe's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen but I don't tellher.
So one of the things I want toencourage you to do men, women,
all of you is please don't sayeverything you're thinking.
That would be ridiculous andthey'd probably have you
committed, but do a better jobof saying some of the things
(24:51):
that you're thinking on aregular basis, because you need
to encourage and uplift oneanother, and one of the things
that will help yourcommunication, those are genuine
things that you're thinking.
Please don't say you know, saythings to try to score points
that's not what it's about butshare the truth of your heart in
an uplifting way and yourcommunication will improve
overall.
So that's, you know, as far asthings that are unspoken.
(25:13):
I wanted to start there, butthe issue, the hindrance, is
when one of us expects somethingand it doesn't happen.
But we never told our spousethat we expected it.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
For example, in a lot of homes, the general thing is
that the expectation is that theman will take out the garbage.
I'm just using this as anexample.
This is that the expectation isthat the man will take out the
garbage.
I'm just using this as anexample.
Right, well, if it's not spokenand the man comes from a house
where the garbage was a sharedtask, you know, or just whoever
(25:48):
took it out, took it out, tookit out, right?
So then the expectation becauseit's unspoken, isn't getting
met because that's not theexpectation in the other spouse.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Right and see one of the things that happened in our
marriage.
She's giving an examplestraight from us, because when
we were married we were youngand we were both college
students and you know, we'vebeen married 33 years now and
love every moment of it.
But early on, when we weremarried, we were both full-time
students, we both had part-timejobs and so we had a lot of
(26:21):
shared tasks in the household.
If I got home earlier, Iprobably would start supper.
If she got home earlier, she'dstart supper.
If one of us saw the floorneeded swept, we'd sweep it.
We just did those thingsbecause our time was at such a
premium, being full-timestudents who were married and
working.
And about three months afterwe'd been married I could tell
(26:42):
that something wasn't right, andwhen I asked her what was wrong
, that was what she shared withme is you didn't take the
garbage out.
Now I'm not sure which of thetwo is the bigger deal.
I considered myself arelatively intelligent person.
I'm not sure if it's a biggerdeal that we hadn't communicated
about it or if three months hadgone by and I hadn't realized.
(27:06):
I was the only person takingthe garbage out at that point,
but my mistake was because wehadn't communicated about it.
My response was bad because shesaid you didn't take the
garbage out.
And since we shared all theother tasks, my response was bad
because she said you didn'ttake the garbage out and since
we shared all the other tasks,my response to her was well, if
you saw it needed to go out, whydidn't you take it out?
Speaker 1 (27:24):
And she said I don't remember what I said.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
She said that's your job right, that's your job which
is fine, absolutely not aproblem.
We hadn't communicated about it.
Now, have any of you had anissue where there was a
frustration, even what could bea legitimate frustration, but
you'd never talked about it,you'd never communicated it and
all of a sudden you let eachother down.
It's bad enough when we have anexpectation that goes unmet,
(27:51):
but do you see how unfair it iswhen you have an expectation but
you never told anybody, youdidn't speak it, and then you're
upset because it wasn't met?
This is fixable.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Yes, yes, it's definitely an avoidable mistake,
and we both take out thegarbage now.
I know we both do it now, right?
Speaker 2 (28:12):
But the communication is the key and being able to
share.
This is what I expect goes backto what I asked early on.
If you knew that your spouseneeded something and it was
within your ability to do it,would you?
Of course you would.
The problem we have is there'sthings that we need or expect or
(28:33):
want that we never say out loud.
It's unfair.
The first thing we need to dois acknowledge that's unfair,
but the fix is when you start tofeel hurt because something,
because an expectation you hadwasn't met.
Ask yourself this questionfirst Did I actually communicate
(28:54):
what I expected or not?
Speaker 1 (28:57):
And is it communicated clearly?
Did I communicate what Iexpected or not?
And is it communicated clearly?
Did I expound on it enough toknow that what I expect is one
reasonable because it might bean unreasonable expectation at
which point you process throughthat?
That's a different issue, yeah,yeah, but you say that that's an
(29:18):
unreasonable like.
Here's the fix to that, youknow.
But if it's a reasonablerequest and it's and it's
expressed well, that's an easyfix, because then you just move
forward with whatever youplanned but when it comes to the
communication, you know, thevery first step is did?
Speaker 2 (29:35):
did I even say it?
And when I said it, was itheard?
Because, again, I want you tothink about communication, not
talking.
If you say something that isn'theard, you're just talking.
For it to be communicated, ithas to be said and heard.
And so you need to ask yourselfdid I reasonably say what I
expected and was it heard?
(29:55):
Or did I say it while they werehurrying out the door?
Or did I say it when they werebusy with the kids?
Or did I, you know, make sure,because, first of all, you don't
want to be in the place whereyou have something, create a
division between you.
That's unreasonable.
Now, the second thing is thenyou need to find out when you're
the one who is feeling likeyour expectations weren't met,
(30:19):
how can I communicate it withoutallowing my disappointment,
which was unreasonable because Ihadn't communicated it yet?
Come into the discussion,because one of the things that
we also see that's so difficult.
If I'd thought of now one ofthe other issues that I can face
, because my wife and I are onesometimes I forget that if I've
(30:41):
been thinking about somethingfor three hours, she doesn't
live in my head, and so Imight've thought that I told her
about it, but I didn't.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
And that really works both ways, because I, you know,
one of the best premaritaladvice that I received, um
received, was he's not a mindreader.
No, he cannot read your mind,and so it's very important to
say, okay, did I clear?
You know, did I mention that orhad I just been thinking about
it, you know, or did Icommunicate that at a time when
(31:11):
he wasn't able to give it hisfull attention?
You know which happens for us.
That's like the morning, youknow the early morning.
So I'm an early morning person,he's not an early morning
person, and so so to talk to himabout anything substantial, you
know, before 730 doesn't I'mawake, yeah, but my brain's not
(31:31):
functioning.
You're not awake.
Speaker 2 (31:34):
And likewise I'm continuing to fire late into the
evening and continuing to justgo, go, go, go go, and she's
awake but not functioning, andso you have to take that into
consideration too.
But these things are things thatshould be obvious in our
relationship, but they're oftennot.
We get frustrated becausecommunication can be difficult,
(31:56):
but one of the biggest thingsthat'll be the fix is we look at
these deterrents, each one ofthe deterrents that we've
mentioned, whether it's thebasic differences in the way men
and women think and speak, orif it's some of the childhood
patterns or even adult patternsthat we've established that are
kind of unreasonable and unfairand can cause discussions to
(32:16):
escalate into a fight instead ofbeing able to be a constructive
discussion, or if it's the factthat we don't say things out
loud that we should have saidout loud.
All of them are fixable, andthe biggest thing is to start
with evaluating yourself.
Did I actually say what Iintended to say?
Have I been listening to whatmy spouse said and really
(32:39):
processing what my spouse said?
Because a lot of these fixesstart there.
Speaker 1 (32:47):
And these are general deterrents too.
I just want to throw in acaveat here, because there's
some pretty difficult otherhindrances that sometimes I see
in the counseling office, andthat's apathy, when a spouse
just doesn't really care toconnect or doesn't care to
communicate, and then bitterness.
(33:08):
And so if you're strugglingwith apathy or your spouse is
struggling with apathy orbitterness, that's when we might
consider looking at somestronger help.
Speaker 2 (33:19):
Some resources are available.
Yeah, Some resources or invitingsomebody to come along and walk
that path with you, amentorship maybe something like
that, and so and those arethings we will be dealing with
in the future, but right now wejust wanted to look at the
basics of communication, becauseit's something that sometimes
we just need to process andunderstand that our
(33:40):
communication isn't really asmuch of a struggle as we think
it is.
It's just hit a roadblock, andthese are three of the most
common roadblocks.
All of them are able to beovercome.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
So we hope that today has helped you, and we'd love
to.
We'd love to hear from you.
Send us an email.
We will write up the show notes, so all of this information
will be available in the shownotes, and so follow us and we
will see you next time.
Speaker 2 (34:11):
And again, we're praying that your marriage will
be solidified as you seek afterGod's will.
And thank you for joining us onthe Vision Driven Marriage
podcast let's close in a word ofprayer.
All right.
Father, we are grateful for theopportunities to be able to
come together as husband andwife to seek after your heart,
and I pray that you would showus anything at all in our lives
(34:33):
that stands in the way of uscommunicating the way we should.
Anything at all in our livesthat stands in the way of us
communicating the way we should.
Help us to see our own need, tolay things down and give them
to you so that we cancommunicate clearly by speaking
clearly and by listeningprecisely, and to be able to
draw together in unity as weseek after your purpose for us
(34:54):
as individuals and as a marriedcouple.
Thank you for the opportunityto speak words of encouragement,
to not let the sun go down onour anger, to know that you've
encouraged us, to encourage oneanother, and so, lord, I pray
that, as we grow, that you'dgive us what we need to give
(35:15):
each other grace and forgivenessas we seek to communicate
better, and we ask this inJesus' name, amen.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Amen Thanks, see you next time you.
Hello friend, welcome back to another episode of the
Vision Driven Marriage podcast,where we're dedicated to
encourage and equip you forlifelong love, and we pray that
God will solidify your marriage.
I'm one of your hosts, leslieDavis, and today we're
continuing our mission to avoidseparation and foster deeper
connection within our marriages.
(00:20):
In our last episode, weexplored open and honest
communication.
We discussed how authenticityand transparency can transform
our interactions and bring uscloser to our spouses.
If you haven't had a chance tolisten to that episode yet, I
would highly recommend goingback and checking it out.
Today, we're dropping athrowback episode that focuses
(00:41):
on the obstacles that can hindereffective communication.
In episode four that dropped onJanuary 20th 2023, we discussed
three deterrents tocommunication.
We also grounded our discussionin biblical wisdom.
We shared Proverbs 25, 11 andEphesians 4, 31 and Ephesians 4,
26 to provide spiritualinsights to overcoming these
(01:04):
challenges.
So sit back, relax and let'sdive into this throwback episode
of the Vision Driven Marriage.
Together, we'll learn how tonavigate those roadblocks and
move toward a more fulfillingand connected marriage.
Let's get started.
Welcome to the vision drivenmarriage podcast.
(01:33):
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Communication is an issue that married couples have
to deal with a lot, andsometimes we just don't deal
with it very well.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
So today we're going to talk about three really big
deterrents to communication andwe're going to give about three
really big deterrents tocommunication.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
And we're going to give you some things you can
plug in today to be able to helpmake your communication a
little better, in spite of thosedeterrents.
So here's the first one.
Deterrent number one Men andwomen are different.
Now, you've all seen the booksabout how men are from Mars and
women are from Venus and you'veseen all the articles and all of
the experts who've shared thisobvious truth with us.
(02:29):
But it gets in the way of ourcommunication and sometimes in
some pretty obvious ways thatI've seen in the pastoral office
and I know Leslie's seen in thecounseling office, and often
it's because of thosedifferences that we fail to
communicate properly.
Let me give you an example.
Sometimes we just don'tunderstand each other and then
(02:51):
we don't say what we mean.
For example, how many of youhave been in the position where
you have asked your husband whatare you thinking about?
What's his answer?
That he gave Nothing.
And when he said nothing, howdid you feel?
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Like he was lying to me.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
And shutting you out.
Now I know right now, for thoseof you who are wondering no, we
have not been spying on you.
In your home, couples deal withthis all the time, and so let
me go ahead and help you outwith just a little bit.
First of all, ladies, I knowthat this is really difficult to
process, but when your husbandsays I'm not thinking about
anything in particular, he's notlying to you and he's not
(03:31):
shutting you out.
Sometimes we just shut ourbrains off and he's actually
telling you the truth.
But, guys, please don'tmisunderstand this.
Your wife cannot understandthat, because there's never a
moment where she's notcontemplating something that's
very important to her, and so,because of that incredible
difference, communication canfeel more difficult than it
(03:51):
ought to, and it can even feellike you're shutting each other
out.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Yeah, and there's been times where, in the course
of that, asking, well, what areyou thinking about?
That's not really the questionthat I would mean to ask.
It's not what are you thinkingabout?
That's not really the questionthat I would mean to ask.
It's not what are you thinkingabout?
I would really need to saysomething like instead of what
are you thinking about?
I would need to say I need youropinion on XYZ.
(04:20):
So that's one of the otherstruggles, or the other
differences between men andwomen is that sometimes we don't
say what we mean and we need tospeak with clarity and say okay
, here's what I really mean.
You know, we see this a lothappen, a lot in funerals, don't
we?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Well, and see, it's human nature to want to
communicate but to not reallyunderstand how to make sure that
the second part ofcommunication happens.
You see, too often we thinktalking is communicating and
it's not.
Communication only happens whenwhat I'm saying is received and
heard, and so if it's not heard, it wasn't communicated.
(05:01):
I was just talking.
Let me give you an example ofhow human nature gets in the way
.
How many of you have eitherbeen this guest or you've been
at a funeral, where somebodycomes up at a funeral and what
they mean is I love you and I'mreally sorry that you're hurting
, and I wish you weren't hurting.
What they say is I know how youfeel and they don't, but we've
(05:22):
all been there, right, right?
How many times in our marriagesare we saying something with a
meaning that our spouse doesn'tunderstand, because our spouse
wouldn't mean the same thing ifour spouse said the same words.
And so we need to learn tocommunicate clearly.
We'll give you a couple ofexamples of why that's going to
be such an important thing, ofwhy that's going to be such an
(05:50):
important thing for you to do inyour marriage.
One of the things that we'veseen over and over again in the
counseling office is somethingthat I want to ask all of you at
home right now.
Okay, so just focus for just amoment on this question and give
your honest answer.
If you knew for sure what yourspouse needed and it was within
your ability to give it, wouldyou do it Now?
(06:14):
Once again, I can't see in yourhome right now, but I know your
answer was yes, absolutely, andthere was no hesitation.
Communication allows you to beable to tap into that resource
that you already have.
You already have a desire and agenuine commitment to do
something for your spouse if itwould help them, if it was
within your ability to do it.
But if Leslie asks me what areyou thinking and that's not what
(06:36):
she means it can actually drivea wedge, because I'll tell her
the truth Right now I'm reallynot thinking about anything.
Or she may ask me how do youfeel about something?
And the honest answer that Ihave to give is I don't know how
I feel about it, but as men, wedon't like to even think about
how we feel about something whenwe don't feel anything about it
(06:59):
, and so being able tocommunicate is going to be
taking the time to slow down tosay what you actually mean and
to be able to give an answerthat's honest, even if you know
it's not exactly what yourspouse was expecting.
So, instead of asking what areyou thinking?
What are some examples of somethings you could actually do
that would get to the issue youwere trying to address?
Speaker 1 (07:25):
to the issue you were trying to address.
Well, I think, ask, I thinkasking a question clearly, like
I, and saying what you need, youknow, I need specifically your
opinion on X Y Z, or, instead ofyou know what you know, what
are you thinking about?
Ask more specifically how didyour day go in regards to X Y Z,
you know, or maybe it was asituation that you know you had
(07:46):
talked about previously orwhatever, and you wanted to know
.
You know how that situation wasplaying out.
And I think one of the otherthings that's really important
to note here is that when youask kind of a vague question and
it's not answered the way thatyou expect, you've got to be
able to give grace and know thatthere's a process in learning
(08:07):
how to do things better eachtime, and so you give grace and
maybe rephrase the question orask the question again.
But don't assume that theintentions were negative to
start with, like when you say Idon't know or I wasn't thinking
anything.
You know we've learned not toassume that you're that I'm
(08:28):
being shut out or that I'mtrying to shut you out or
whatever.
You know we give each other thebenefit of the doubt.
Right, Well, and likewise, guys.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
You've got to be able to give grace.
Also, once you realize that itmay be something that's beyond
the question that was actuallyasked, be able to give an answer
that is very upfront and loving, so that she knows she's not
shut out.
She may ask me what are youthinking about?
And instead of just sayingnothing, I'll just tell her.
I really have shut my mind off.
(08:58):
I've had a long day and I'mjust sitting here truly trying
to recover from all of thethings I went through today.
I'm not thinking about any onething in particular.
Now I know that that's somethingthat you know well.
Maybe if I just said I'm notthinking about anything, that
should be understood.
But we've clarified it mightnot be because we don't operate
(09:20):
the same way, and aren't youglad that men and women don't
think about things the same way?
Together, we're able to dothings we could never do by
ourselves because we think sodifferently.
But communication suffers andit doesn't have to.
So you need to learn to givegrace and you need to learn to
be able to say more clearly whatyou actually mean.
Whether you're the one askingthe questions or you're the one
(09:42):
answering the questions, stateit clearly so that there is a
connection rather than ananticipation of being shut out,
because you don't want to shutyour spouse out, but let them
know that you want them in.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
And I think you know adding to here if there's a lack
of clarity in you know, in theconversation, it's okay to ask
for more information.
You know, like if I were to saywhat were you thinking, you
know what.
You know, what are you thinkingabout?
And you, you, if you didn'tknow what I was talking about,
you would offer an open-endedquestion.
(10:16):
That said, in regards to what?
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Right, because think about how that could be so many
different things.
She might be noticing that Ihave a look on my face that
looks like I'm concerned aboutsomething, and what she really
means is is there somethingtroubling you?
She didn't say that, but thatmight be so.
If you start to ask questionsand respond to each other, make
an intentional effort to leteach other in, you might get to
(10:41):
the root of what's really beingasked.
Your communication will getbetter.
But you need to give grace bothways.
If you're not getting theanswer you expected from a
question, understand you mightnot be using the words you
actually meant and give grace.
And if you're answering andgetting a strange look words you
actually meant and give grace.
And if you're answering andgetting a strange look, realize
(11:03):
that your answer might not havebeen something that was very
clear at all and also give grace.
Communicate with each other,understanding that sometimes it
takes two or three attemptsbefore you get to the heart of
what you're really talking about.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Right, I know early on we struggled with that
pattern and then we would getfrustrated and then the
conversation would get heated.
You know it would beemotionally negatively charged
and our childhood patterns wouldkick in and Doug came from a
family that when you had adisagreement you pressed into
(11:34):
that and you fixed it right thenand you talked about it and you
know everybody came to thetable and they talked about it
and until it was fixed Right.
I came from a family backgroundwhere I needed to have time to
cool off, like I, if I were inan emotionally charged situation
, there was usually some flyingoff of the of the handle.
(11:56):
There was usually some flyingoff of the handle and so I
needed to back out and take abreather for a long period of
time.
What he would consider a longperiod of time you know I didn't
think you know 30 minutes or anhour or two hours or a shopping
trip, would be considered along period of time, but to him
that was an extremely longperiod of time because he was
(12:17):
used to coming to the table andfixing it right then.
So, needless to say, when westarted having those, I wouldn't
say we argued much, but wewould definitely- Disagree.
Yeah, I would say we woulddefinitely have some
disagreements early on, kind ofthe butting of the heads, and I
would need to move out, like notmove out, but to remove myself
(12:40):
from the situation in order tohave time to calm down and
collect my thoughts and processwhat just happened and he would
be like, no, we need to pressinto this, we need to fix this
right now.
And we, we, we disagreed on howthat actually should go, didn't
we?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
And so it leads us to hindrance number two.
Which hindrance number two tocommunication is your childhood
patterns, and it doesn't evenhave to be from childhood, but
the patterns that you've alreadyexperienced, creating a habit
that hinders your ability tocommunicate Now with us.
As Leslie just shared, wheneverwe would disagree and you've
(13:16):
all noticed this when youdisagree, things become
intensified, your emotions areintensified, and so you don't
react the way that you wouldreact when you're having a
discussion that's calm, and oneof the things that we've noticed
right away is that couples thatwe talk to repeatedly share
(13:37):
with us that, once they get hurt, they struggle with the desire
to hurt back.
It's something that we can alldo, and nobody wants to get to
that place.
We want to be able tocommunicate, we don't want to
fight.
So what do you do when yourchildhood patterns are so very
different that yourcommunication styles are
(13:58):
different?
Now again, leslie, whenever wewould have a disagreement, she
wanted time to process it and tocool off and to leave the room
Alone.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Alone, alone.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
I wanted, you know, come back here, let's get this
done right now, because I feltlike it was something that
needed to be taken care of,because I wanted the unity.
We both wanted the same thing.
We wanted to be able to speakclearly, to come together in
unity, but the way that we weregoing to get there was very,
very different.
(14:28):
Some of you might be able toidentify with that right away.
So what exactly do you do to beable to fix that situation?
Well, one of the things youneed to understand is you've all
had the experiences that youknow.
We all went through experiencewhere we've already had the
disagreements.
We've already had the verbalfights.
(14:49):
At that point, you probably saidsome things you absolutely
didn't mean.
You were disagreeable with eachother and it was difficult and
you feel horrible about it.
The very first thing is, withthose things that have already
happened, truly be able toforgive and let it go.
But the solutions lie more inhow can we proactively come up
(15:13):
with a different communicationpattern during the times we're
not upset with each other.
So, during a time where thingsaren't heated, we need to plug
in a plan that we think willbenefit both of us.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Yeah, and our plan looked a lot like.
Okay, we have to decide what isan acceptable time to be able to
take a step back from thedisagreement and then come back
in and, um, we agreed on 10 to15 minutes, which was enough
(15:43):
time most of the time right,which was enough to allow me to
process and to kind of uh, thinkthrough the things that had
been said and actually what um,the, what the purpose was, what
my intent was you know where myheart was at in the conversation
and then be able to come backand clearly explain those things
(16:04):
that I got a good handle onwhile I was you know, processing
it on my own, and it allowedfor you to say, okay, well, it's
not 30 minutes, it's not ashopping trip, it's not.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Well, more importantly, it's not something
that we're going to ignore.
We actually set a time, and soit gave her time to process
things.
It gave me the understanding weare going to come back together
, and it gave us the ability, asa couple, to seek after God's
heart too, because God's heartin Ephesians, chapter 4, he
tells us not to let the sun godown on our anger, and so when
(16:41):
we have a disagreement, you needto take care of it before you
go to sleep that night.
Now, again, you might have adifferent way that you set up
that pattern.
That's what we did, but it alsogave us an opportunity to do
something pretty cool in themidst of a time of communication
.
That could have been a struggle.
We were struggling tocommunicate.
However, it gave us anopportunity to love each other
and to respect each other in themidst of the disagreement.
Here's why I knew that shewanted time, and she wanted a
(17:04):
lot of time, and being able togive up what I wanted, which is
come back here right now, let'sdeal with this, was an immediate
opportunity for me to say eventhough I want to deal with it
right now I love you and respectyou enough that I'm going to
give you the time that you need,because I know you need it, I
know it's legitimate and it'snot about me and she was able to
(17:27):
set a time right away.
We are going to come backtogether, even though right now
I just want my space Immediately.
She was able to show love andrespect by saying we are going
to come back together to talkabout this, knowing that's
something that I needed.
And so, even in the verybeginning of a disagreement, it
was an opportunity for us todemonstrate that we cared more
(17:48):
about each other than we caredabout our own patterns of
behavior that had beenestablished since childhood.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
And what happened because of that is that it began
to build trust and it began tobuild an emotional connection
that went far above and beyondjust saying that you're sorry
for, or apologizing, or givingforgiveness for whatever the
disagreement was, and I thinkthat was more productive and
(18:15):
more solidifying in our marriagethan just fixing whatever it
was that we were disagreeingwith to start with, because that
emotional connection like Iknew you would allow me my
space- in order to process that.
That wasn't going to be an areaof contention, because I needed
that process in order to workout the disagreement.
(18:37):
I needed that process in orderto work out the disagreement,
you know, and so so it built alevel of trust in our
relationship that was veryvaluable.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
And there was something else that was a God
blessed and God ordained thingthat we hadn't even
intentionally done, but we wantto share it with you, um, as the
early couple of years of ourmarriage, as we continued to try
to give each other, I wouldgive her space, she would come
back together so we could talkto give that as a gift to me.
(19:05):
It wasn't always a 15 minutething, sometimes it was longer,
sometimes it was shorter, butwhat we ended up noticing was
and you've probably seen this inyour own relationship even
though during a disagreementyou're both upset, somebody had
their feelings hurt first,somebody was upset first, and
one of the things that I noticedstarted to happen is if she was
(19:25):
the one who got upset first, wewould take a longer period of
time before we came back to talkabout it, because that's what
she needed.
And if I was the one who gotupset first and again, this was
just God's design, we didn't doit intentionally, but I want to
share it with you so you can doit intentionally If I was the
one that got upset first, ourtime would actually be shorter
and I would get what I neededfaster, and so we want to
(19:47):
encourage you to plug that in Ifyou have something similar be
able to demonstrate both loveand respect to your spouse by
immediately giving them whatthey need in that situation so
that you can communicate, andtry see if it works for you.
Try playing by the rules of theone who got upset first to the
best of your ability so thatit'll foster communication that
(20:10):
will be healthier.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
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(20:53):
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Keep in mind that I mean reallykeep in mind that this is a
process.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
Oh yes.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
Like you've got to give yourself grace because it's
not going to, it's not gonnawork smoothly, just like when
you're trying to change any kindof pattern.
There's a learning curve andyou've got to give each other
grace because this isn't goingto work smoothly all the time.
But you've got to be able tokind of trust the process that
when you lean into somethingthat is God-ordained, he's going
(21:34):
to bless that.
You know he's going toeventually that it's going to
work smoothly.
But you've got to give yourselfgrace as the as you first step
into that process.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
I'd encourage you to give two things Absolutely you
need to give grace.
You also need to be able togive forgiveness Now, um, after
you have tried to do somethingdifferently and you failed at it
.
Give each other forgiveness torealize you're not going to get
be perfect at it right away.
It's going to be a process thatwill take some time.
But then give each other graceto be able to do it the way you
(22:07):
would prefer, instead ofaccording to the old habits the
next time.
So give each other grace aheadof time, preemptively.
Give each other forgivenesswhen you don't quite do it right
, but don't give up.
Continue to try to do it right.
We learn how to do things bypressing into what God's given
to us, and wouldn't it bewonderful if it was always done
exactly right the first time.
But we all know it's not.
Don't give up.
Be able to forgive.
(22:28):
Give each other grace.
But it leads to our thirddeterrent.
Our third deterrent is one thatmakes so much sense, but we
don't think about it oftenenough.
It's when there are unvoicedthings in our relationship.
Now, the primary thing we'regoing to look at as a deterrent
is an unvoiced, unmetexpectation.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
I've heard it said.
I mean many counselors andmarriage therapists have said
that you know, the top threethings, or the top two things
that undermine a marriage, islove and sex.
Right, those are the two thingsthat are money and sex.
Those are the two things thatcouples fight about the most is
money and sex.
(23:11):
But in reality, what they'refighting about is unspoken,
unmet expectations about moneyand sex.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
It's nearly always a lack of communication about that
area rather than the areaitself.
Now, when we start talking aboutunvoiced issues, let me start
with one.
That is something that isn'tabout the unmet expectations,
although we all should have thisexpectation.
I want to encourage all of youright now to recognize the fact
(23:47):
that there are things that youthink every day, that you don't
say out loud, that are positiveand uplifting and encouraging.
Now, when we look at Proverbs25, 11, we know that a fitly
spoken word is like apples ofgold in settings of silver.
Right, but we don't share theencouraging things.
We don't share the upliftingthings often enough.
(24:07):
I can't tell you how many timesdozens on a bad day, hundreds
on a normal day how many times Ithink things that I don't share
with my wife that I should like.
I watch her interact with ourgranddaughters and all I can
think is she's such a goodgrandma.
Or I see her do somethingthat's kind and all I can think
(24:28):
is she has such a good heart.
Or I see her smile and I thinkshe's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen but I don't tellher.
So one of the things I want toencourage you to do men, women,
all of you is please don't sayeverything you're thinking.
That would be ridiculous andthey'd probably have you
committed, but do a better jobof saying some of the things
(24:51):
that you're thinking on aregular basis, because you need
to encourage and uplift oneanother, and one of the things
that will help yourcommunication, those are genuine
things that you're thinking.
Please don't say you know, saythings to try to score points
that's not what it's about butshare the truth of your heart in
an uplifting way and yourcommunication will improve
overall.
So that's, you know, as far asthings that are unspoken.
(25:13):
I wanted to start there, butthe issue, the hindrance, is
when one of us expects somethingand it doesn't happen.
But we never told our spousethat we expected it.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
For example, in a lot of homes, the general thing is
that the expectation is that theman will take out the garbage.
I'm just using this as anexample.
This is that the expectation isthat the man will take out the
garbage.
I'm just using this as anexample.
Right, well, if it's not spokenand the man comes from a house
where the garbage was a sharedtask, you know, or just whoever
(25:48):
took it out, took it out, tookit out, right?
So then the expectation becauseit's unspoken, isn't getting
met because that's not theexpectation in the other spouse.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Right and see one of the things that happened in our
marriage.
She's giving an examplestraight from us, because when
we were married we were youngand we were both college
students and you know, we'vebeen married 33 years now and
love every moment of it.
But early on, when we weremarried, we were both full-time
students, we both had part-timejobs and so we had a lot of
(26:21):
shared tasks in the household.
If I got home earlier, Iprobably would start supper.
If she got home earlier, she'dstart supper.
If one of us saw the floorneeded swept, we'd sweep it.
We just did those thingsbecause our time was at such a
premium, being full-timestudents who were married and
working.
And about three months afterwe'd been married I could tell
(26:42):
that something wasn't right, andwhen I asked her what was wrong
, that was what she shared withme is you didn't take the
garbage out.
Now I'm not sure which of thetwo is the bigger deal.
I considered myself arelatively intelligent person.
I'm not sure if it's a biggerdeal that we hadn't communicated
about it or if three months hadgone by and I hadn't realized.
(27:06):
I was the only person takingthe garbage out at that point,
but my mistake was because wehadn't communicated about it.
My response was bad because shesaid you didn't take the
garbage out.
And since we shared all theother tasks, my response was bad
because she said you didn'ttake the garbage out and since
we shared all the other tasks,my response to her was well, if
you saw it needed to go out, whydidn't you take it out?
Speaker 1 (27:24):
And she said I don't remember what I said.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
She said that's your job right, that's your job which
is fine, absolutely not aproblem.
We hadn't communicated about it.
Now, have any of you had anissue where there was a
frustration, even what could bea legitimate frustration, but
you'd never talked about it,you'd never communicated it and
all of a sudden you let eachother down.
It's bad enough when we have anexpectation that goes unmet,
(27:51):
but do you see how unfair it iswhen you have an expectation but
you never told anybody, youdidn't speak it, and then you're
upset because it wasn't met?
This is fixable.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Yes, yes, it's definitely an avoidable mistake,
and we both take out thegarbage now.
I know we both do it now, right?
Speaker 2 (28:12):
But the communication is the key and being able to
share.
This is what I expect goes backto what I asked early on.
If you knew that your spouseneeded something and it was
within your ability to do it,would you?
Of course you would.
The problem we have is there'sthings that we need or expect or
(28:33):
want that we never say out loud.
It's unfair.
The first thing we need to dois acknowledge that's unfair,
but the fix is when you start tofeel hurt because something,
because an expectation you hadwasn't met.
Ask yourself this questionfirst Did I actually communicate
(28:54):
what I expected or not?
Speaker 1 (28:57):
And is it communicated clearly?
Did I communicate what Iexpected or not?
And is it communicated clearly?
Did I expound on it enough toknow that what I expect is one
reasonable because it might bean unreasonable expectation at
which point you process throughthat?
That's a different issue, yeah,yeah, but you say that that's an
(29:18):
unreasonable like.
Here's the fix to that, youknow.
But if it's a reasonablerequest and it's and it's
expressed well, that's an easyfix, because then you just move
forward with whatever youplanned but when it comes to the
communication, you know, thevery first step is did?
Speaker 2 (29:35):
did I even say it?
And when I said it, was itheard?
Because, again, I want you tothink about communication, not
talking.
If you say something that isn'theard, you're just talking.
For it to be communicated, ithas to be said and heard.
And so you need to ask yourselfdid I reasonably say what I
expected and was it heard?
(29:55):
Or did I say it while they werehurrying out the door?
Or did I say it when they werebusy with the kids?
Or did I, you know, make sure,because, first of all, you don't
want to be in the place whereyou have something, create a
division between you.
That's unreasonable.
Now, the second thing is thenyou need to find out when you're
the one who is feeling likeyour expectations weren't met,
(30:19):
how can I communicate it withoutallowing my disappointment,
which was unreasonable because Ihadn't communicated it yet?
Come into the discussion,because one of the things that
we also see that's so difficult.
If I'd thought of now one ofthe other issues that I can face
, because my wife and I are onesometimes I forget that if I've
(30:41):
been thinking about somethingfor three hours, she doesn't
live in my head, and so Imight've thought that I told her
about it, but I didn't.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
And that really works both ways, because I, you know,
one of the best premaritaladvice that I received, um
received, was he's not a mindreader.
No, he cannot read your mind,and so it's very important to
say, okay, did I clear?
You know, did I mention that orhad I just been thinking about
it, you know, or did Icommunicate that at a time when
(31:11):
he wasn't able to give it hisfull attention?
You know which happens for us.
That's like the morning, youknow the early morning.
So I'm an early morning person,he's not an early morning
person, and so so to talk to himabout anything substantial, you
know, before 730 doesn't I'mawake, yeah, but my brain's not
(31:31):
functioning.
You're not awake.
Speaker 2 (31:34):
And likewise I'm continuing to fire late into the
evening and continuing to justgo, go, go, go go, and she's
awake but not functioning, andso you have to take that into
consideration too.
But these things are things thatshould be obvious in our
relationship, but they're oftennot.
We get frustrated becausecommunication can be difficult,
(31:56):
but one of the biggest thingsthat'll be the fix is we look at
these deterrents, each one ofthe deterrents that we've
mentioned, whether it's thebasic differences in the way men
and women think and speak, orif it's some of the childhood
patterns or even adult patternsthat we've established that are
kind of unreasonable and unfairand can cause discussions to
(32:16):
escalate into a fight instead ofbeing able to be a constructive
discussion, or if it's the factthat we don't say things out
loud that we should have saidout loud.
All of them are fixable, andthe biggest thing is to start
with evaluating yourself.
Did I actually say what Iintended to say?
Have I been listening to whatmy spouse said and really
(32:39):
processing what my spouse said?
Because a lot of these fixesstart there.
Speaker 1 (32:47):
And these are general deterrents too.
I just want to throw in acaveat here, because there's
some pretty difficult otherhindrances that sometimes I see
in the counseling office, andthat's apathy, when a spouse
just doesn't really care toconnect or doesn't care to
communicate, and then bitterness.
(33:08):
And so if you're strugglingwith apathy or your spouse is
struggling with apathy orbitterness, that's when we might
consider looking at somestronger help.
Speaker 2 (33:19):
Some resources are available.
Yeah, Some resources or invitingsomebody to come along and walk
that path with you, amentorship maybe something like
that, and so and those arethings we will be dealing with
in the future, but right now wejust wanted to look at the
basics of communication, becauseit's something that sometimes
we just need to process andunderstand that our
(33:40):
communication isn't really asmuch of a struggle as we think
it is.
It's just hit a roadblock, andthese are three of the most
common roadblocks.
All of them are able to beovercome.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
So we hope that today has helped you, and we'd love
to.
We'd love to hear from you.
Send us an email.
We will write up the show notes, so all of this information
will be available in the shownotes, and so follow us and we
will see you next time.
Speaker 2 (34:11):
And again, we're praying that your marriage will
be solidified as you seek afterGod's will.
And thank you for joining us onthe Vision Driven Marriage
podcast let's close in a word ofprayer.
All right.
Father, we are grateful for theopportunities to be able to
come together as husband andwife to seek after your heart,
and I pray that you would showus anything at all in our lives
(34:33):
that stands in the way of uscommunicating the way we should.
Anything at all in our livesthat stands in the way of us
communicating the way we should.
Help us to see our own need, tolay things down and give them
to you so that we cancommunicate clearly by speaking
clearly and by listeningprecisely, and to be able to
draw together in unity as weseek after your purpose for us
(34:54):
as individuals and as a marriedcouple.
Thank you for the opportunityto speak words of encouragement,
to not let the sun go down onour anger, to know that you've
encouraged us, to encourage oneanother, and so, lord, I pray
that, as we grow, that you'dgive us what we need to give
(35:15):
each other grace and forgivenessas we seek to communicate
better, and we ask this inJesus' name, amen.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Amen Thanks, see you next time you.
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