Have you ever felt the ground beneath your marriage start to crumble, leaving you scrambling for a foothold? Randy Pryor joins us to extend a lifeline, introducing his SOS Reconnection Method for men facing separation head on. As a former workaholic whose marriage was torn apart, Randy transformed his life and now guides others through the labyrinth of marital disconnect. His approach eschews quick fixes in favor of a journey toward lasting change, emphasizing the need for husbands to genuinely become the best versions of themselves and work to understand and validate their wives' feelings.
This episode peels back the layers of communication and understanding between spouses, showing how embracing differences is crucial to bridging the emotional gap. Randy casts a new light on the art of reconnection, illustrating the potency showing genuine care for your wife through well-crafted text messages and the importance of becoming the best version of oneself. He reminds us that true connection doesn't come from grand gestures but from everyday acts of thoughtfulness and a deep respect for our partner's individuality. His insights offer both a mirror and a map for those ready to navigate the path back to a shared vision of love and commitment.
As we wrap up, we're left with a powerful reminder that the cornerstone of a resilient marriage lies in personal growth. Randy's experiences invite us to foster our own spiritual and personal development, which not only enriches our own lives but also serves as a catalyst for positive change within our relationships. He leaves us with a treasure trove of wisdom and practical resources for anyone longing to rebuild and strengthen the bonds of matrimony. Join us, Doug and Leslie Davis, as we share these transformative lessons, offering hope and actionable advice for a vision-driven, lifelong love.
Randy Pryor:
"I'd love to offer a free Reconnection Planning Session to all of (The Vision-Driven Marriage) listeners and viewers. The link is on my website: RandyPryor.com in the "Contact" section. Or, . . . book that call directly right here: http://Hope4SH.com/call"
Find Doug and Leslie at Home - Heart Call Ministries
Email Doug & Leslie at: leslie@heartcallministries.org
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IG: @thevisiondrivenmarriage Instagram (@thevisiondrivenmarriage)
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Things We Mention:
The Fireproof Movie and book:
The Love Dare: Now with Free Online Marriage Evaluation: Kendrick, Alex, Kendrick, Stephen: 8601404420146: Amazon.com: Books
Amazon.com: Fireproof : Kirk Cameron, Erin Bethea, Ken Bevel, Alex Kendrick, Stephen Kendrick, Alex Kendrick, David Nixon, Affirm Films; Carmel Entertainment; Provident Films LLC; Samuel Goldwyn Films; Sherwood Pictures: Movies & TV
Covenant Marriage Episode: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2053738/11783
INTRO/OUTRO MUSIC CREDITS
Theme music: Dead Winter
ASLC-1BEF9A9E-9E9D609662
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Welcome, my friends, to this episode of the Vision
Driven Marriage podcast, wherewe encourage and equip you for
lifelong love.
Today, we're honored tointroduce to you Randy Pryor, a
pillar of strength and theauthor of the SOS Reconnection
Method.
Randy's unwavering dedicationto helping separated husbands
find their way back to love andconnection is both inspiring and
(00:55):
invaluable.
Our conversation today promisesto uplift and empower those who
may be facing similarchallenges.
So grab a cup of coffee or yourfavorite beverage and settle in
and prepare to be moved byRandy's wisdom and encouragement
to never give up on love.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis,and today we're joined by Randy
Pryor.
Randy helps husbands whosewives have said I'm done, randy,
welcome, we're glad you're withus today.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Thank you so much.
I am very excited to be here.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Well, I'm excited to hear about what that message
really looks like.
I know you've written a book,but the concept of husbands who
are finding themselves in aposition where they're either
separated or they might soon beand being completely caught off
guard by it is not a newphenomenon.
It's been going on for a longtime, so let us know a little
(01:55):
bit about the insight that youhave in this situation.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Sure, absolutely.
I was married for about 14years and had it all wife and
kids, and multiple businessesand all the stuff that the world
will say that we're a success,right, right.
And I used to be for about40-year career now.
I was a comedy juggler andmagician on cruise ships and all
(02:19):
over the world and traveledeverywhere and we had a great
time doing that and that was alot of fun.
But when my wife and I decidedto have kids, we got off the
ships and came home right, sowe're on land and that kind of
well.
It kind of pushed me intooverdrive.
So I became a workaholic, didn'trealize it.
Right, I just wanted to providefor the kids.
In fact, that's what the worldteaches us If you want to be a
(02:42):
good husband, you need to becomea good provider, and that's
what we learn, but unfortunately, most of us, that's all we
learn.
So I did that and I, you know,I dove into work and I did
everything and I provided forthe family.
And after 14 years my wife cameto me and said, hey, listen, I
don't love you anymore, I want adivorce.
And it threw me for a loop.
(03:02):
I mean, it was the most painfulthing ever.
So I went to my church and theyhad a support group for
separated guys and I dove in andI learned all kinds of things
that I should have been doingall along, but I just didn't
know about Right, and that'swhere it started.
Matter of fact, six monthslater they asked me to become a
leader, and that was 14 and ahalf years ago, and I'm still
(03:24):
there.
They asked me to become aleader, and that was 14 and a
half years ago, and I'm stillthere.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
So it's, it's again the phrase is I knew it was bad,
but I didn't think it was thatbad.
Right, I can't tell you howmany times that I've heard
exactly that phrase.
You know, I knew it was bad,but I didn't realize it was this
bad.
And and so many times guys arecaught off guard because, as you
said, we have this innatedesire to provide and the world
is telling us that the way thatyou do, that, the right way, is
(03:53):
to provide financially.
And so we throw ourselves intowork and it can often work out
very badly.
And so you know, what would youtell a guy who has just
recently been caught off guardby the concept of my wife wants
to separate.
Yeah, that's.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
it's really hard, it's really really painful
because it's so out of the blue.
It seems like I had a leftfield for us, right?
So when someone would have anargument, that's one thing.
When there's a separation, whenthey kick us out or they leave
or something, it's an actualseparation.
The time for talking about itis past.
That's gone.
It's no longer on the boards,right?
(04:32):
She's saying.
In fact, she's saying twothings.
She's saying I can't stand theway it is and I can't imagine
that it will ever changepermanently.
Right, those are two majorthings.
Now, that doesn't mean that itcan't change or get better.
It just means that right nowshe can't imagine it.
And that's based on herpersonal experience with her
(04:52):
husband.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
That may be after years of feeling alone and
isolated in, you know, in therelationship, and then on top of
that, when there's no, noacknowledgement or validation of
those feelings, you know, thenthat does become her experience,
right.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Right, absolutely.
And unfortunately, guys thinkthat if they they put a bandaid
on it, they buy her flowers,they tell them they're sorry,
they do all this stuff Right,and it backfires because it just
shows that he doesn't get it,he's not understanding this
Right.
So this is kind of this is kindof harsh, but here's the
(05:30):
reality.
Her biggest fear is that hedoes change and they get back
together and it's wonderful fora while and it slides right back
to the way it used to be.
That's her biggest fear.
And then it slides right backto the way it used to be.
That's her biggest fear.
So you know, if you're watchingthis right now, if you're
separated I've got some news foryou and it's not pretty, but
(05:51):
here it is.
Here's the truth.
Okay, your wife is not comingback to you and I know that's
harsh, but your wife is notcoming back to you.
She may go forward with you,but she's not going backwards
into the old, dead, broken,irreparable marriage.
And that's again based on herexperience.
Why would she come back to whatshe already knows is broken?
Speaker 3 (06:14):
So all you got to do is change it.
But I love that message though,because there's still hope in
that Right.
She might not be coming back tothat broken relationship, but
that doesn't mean that it can'tbe changed and she still might
move forward.
You know, absolutely, it's awhole message.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Right, right, oh, absolutely.
Miracles happen all the time.
But we know communication oftenis one of the things that
breaks down pretty early, whenyou struggle to be able to even
recognize the problem the sameway as your spouse does.
But I look at how the verythings that cause us to come
together in the first place canend up contributing to the
(06:57):
struggles that you've justdescribed, because, even though
it's not true in a hundredpercent of men, most of us are
wired to to fix problems and weneed to.
We need to acknowledge that andtalk about that and and I know
that there was an episodeprobably six months ago where I
was sharing that one of thestruggles that I had early on in
(07:17):
our marriage was Leslie had aterrible day and she needed to
cry, and while she was tellingme about her terrible day, I was
formulating all the solutionsto fix the problem that caused
her terrible day and it was notat all what she needed.
But I'm just being blunt, I hadno idea what she needed.
I was blessed enough where shetold me early on that's not what
(07:41):
I need you to do, I don't needyou to fix this and so, and that
was, that was a great thing.
But then I look at how so manywomen have this same kind of
innate wiring, but theirs is forsecurity, whether they provide
it for themselves and a lot ofwomen do provide that for
themselves or if it's providedthrough their relationship.
(08:02):
And so the combination of usgoing out trying to fix
everything but then not reallyunderstanding what causes the
security I've seen so many timeswhere that's a struggle and so
many times where I had a nearcollision in my own relationship
because I didn't understand thestruggle.
So what would you tell somebodywho's at that place where they
(08:24):
know how they're made but theydon't know what they need to be
able to move forward?
What advice would you give?
Speaker 1 (08:30):
them.
Yeah Well, obviously as a quickreview, because we all know
this, but I'll say it out loudmen and women are made
differently.
Yes, we are.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
We're just different.
Right, there's a lot ofbenefits in that, right?
Well, of course, of course.
Right, he doesn't make anymistakes.
But he made men for the andagain, generally speaking, men
got the logic and the need tofix things.
That's like in our DNA, right?
Okay, that's why it works forus everywhere else.
Like in your job, okay, you doyour job, you get paid.
(09:03):
Pretty simple, right.
If you don't do your job, youdon't get paid.
Okay, that's pretty black andwhite for us and that's how we
kind of relate.
Women, on the other hand, asyou know, emotions, nurturing,
intuition, really great stuff.
But that's not how we're built.
So we try to communicate fromour understanding and not from
theirs.
Okay, so it's simply twodifferent perspectives.
(09:26):
I'll give you a quick littleillustration, one of my favorite
um uh, husband and wife gooutside and the wife says what a
beautiful green sky.
And the husband says it is abeautiful sky, but it's blue.
And she says no, no, no, thesky we're under right now.
He says yeah, it's, it's blue.
(09:46):
Hang on a second, bob, bill,come, come here.
What color is the sky?
And they say it's blue, why?
And they look over where thewife used to be and there's a
big puff of smoke because she'sgone.
She doesn't want to be toldthat she's wrong.
And the answer is not blue orgreen.
The answer is isn't thatamazing?
You see green and I see blue.
It's just two differentperspectives.
Right, it doesn't.
Being a man and having havingthe, the logic, you know, kind
(10:11):
of stuff in me, I had to getover the idea that it had to be
right or wrong.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
Yes, it's not a right or wrong thing, it's not.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
And it's hard for us to um, to relate to that.
It's kind of like when, oh boy,if a guy is at a table and
there's a big puzzle with allthe pieces right, and it's all
made, it's all done except fortwo pieces of the puzzle, and
they're in my hands, I've gotthe two pieces.
I'm not allowed to put thepieces in there.
No, it's not.
(10:42):
You have to consider that thepuzzle is finished like it is
and these two pieces, they'rejust extra.
Oh, it drives guys crazy.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
Yeah, it would drive anybody crazy.
It'd probably drive a lot offemales crazy too.
I think a lot of the times whatI see too, the dynamic going on
between a husband and a wife isit's not about right and wrong,
but it's you have to be like meyou know, and we're not like
each other.
But I want you to be more likeme.
(11:11):
I want you to be more emotional, I want you to be more
connective, I want you to be.
You know all the things andlikewise, you know women being
more logical.
Well, we're not logical.
I mean, we're logical, yes,Like we're logical but our
initial reaction may beemotional before it's logical.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Right, and we think.
We think we want our spouse tobe more like us.
The reality is we don't.
What drew us together in thefirst place was that we're so
much better together, but thosevery things that we love about
one another can frustrate us tono end, and so one of the things
that's beautiful about that,though, is we get to the same
place, but we do it verydifferently, very differently.
(11:55):
You know, men tend again to sayshow me the problem, I'll fix
it.
Now, where, often, I know thatLeslie in particular.
She sees things I don't see.
She understands the waysomebody's feeling when all I
want to do is help them, and sheunderstands the way that it
will impact them in the long run.
Where I don't see any of that,again, I'm just.
(12:15):
You know, let's solve theproblem, and that by itself is a
good thing.
Problem is, we don't.
If we don't communicate thatdifference, well, we are really
going to struggle.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Yeah, yeah, right, right.
And I agree with Dr.
I think it was Stephen Coveywho said people don't listen
with the intent to understand.
They listen with the intent toreply.
And I was guilty as any otherguy out there.
I don't know why, but I thoughtit was a good thing that, while
she's describing the issue, I'malready coming up with the
(12:49):
answer, I'm already come up witha fix, and it was stupid, but I
didn't know.
That's what works everywhereelse, right?
So I'm a big fan of the ideathat any two people can solve or
at least manage anything, anyissue or problem, as long as
they're on the same page.
Right now, if you're goingthrough separation, not only are
(13:11):
you not on the same page,you're not even in the same book
, and if divorce is on the table, you're not even in the same
library.
So we got to get you guys backon the same page, and that has
nothing to do with convincingher, talking her into something.
Those days are gone.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
What are the first steps for that?
What would you tell someonewho's who you're you're coaching
through?
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Yeah, that's a great question, Believe it or not.
If your goal is to, let's say,get back together with your wife
, the best way to do that is tolet go of the idea that you can
fix this right.
After doing this for 14 years,I can tell you if you really
want to fix this, you got tostop trying to fix this.
(13:54):
That's all about manipulation,right?
It's about changing her mind.
The real way.
That here's the first step.
First step is you want tochange your goal, instead of
your goal being how do I get herto, how do I change her mind?
How do I?
Okay, All that is that's she'sGod's daughter, so God's got her
.
You gotta, you gotta give herup to God and say okay, I want
(14:17):
to change my goal to becomingthe best version of myself that
I can be Okay, and that's thefirst step.
It's also the hardest, becauseguys aren't built that way.
I want to fix it.
I want to say the right wordsand give me the magic phrase and
that we're back to square oneand we're good again.
And that's not it, andunfortunately, I mean it's a
great goal to have.
God wants us to be together,right.
(14:38):
He invented marriage and hehates divorce.
Right, we understand this, butthe best way to get to that
point is to stop trying to fixthe situation.
Instead of focusing on theissues, you want to focus on
becoming the best version ofyourself as quickly as possible,
and that's how we help guys.
That's the best way to reachthat goal and the quickest way
(15:00):
to do that.
Speaker 3 (15:01):
How would you suggest that a guy who's working on
becoming the best version ofhimself reconnect with his wife?
I'm assuming this is somethingthat you outline in your book,
which is called the SOSReconnection Method.
So I'm assuming that there's amethod right to reconnection.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Yeah, sos is very simple.
The first S is stop pushing heraway.
O is open communication.
The last S is surround yourselfwith some godly men who've
already gone through it beforeand can help you get through it
right Support and accountability.
So that's what that's about.
There is a way through this,but that's the only way that
I've ever seen.
(15:42):
It's not about all thesetechniques and tricks and no
contact, and that's just that'sall manipulation way that I've
ever seen.
It's not about all thesetechniques and tricks and no
contact and that's just that'sall manipulation.
Right?
That's not what.
That's not what this is goingto.
That's not what works.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
And I love your book.
It's less than it costs lessthan a cup of coffee.
It's widely available and Ijust think that it will be a
great help to a lot of people,and so so I'm just going to plug
the website.
It's randypriorcom, right?
The book's available on thereand it's $4.99.
You're like less than a cup ofcoffee, you know.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
Yeah, now I know some of our listeners, though, as
they're as they're listening tothis, they want to check this
out and some of the guys arestruggling because they heard
you just now and what you saidwas said was great.
It's not about thisstep-by-step process, it's more
than that.
The problem is a lot of ourlisteners right now are saying
you know, the guys who arestarting to struggle a little
(16:34):
bit in their relationshipthey're saying just tell me what
to do and I'll do it, becausethat's where they're stuck,
because that's the way we sooften operate.
So if somebody's saying, justtell me what to do and I'll do
it, how would you respond tothem?
Speaker 1 (16:47):
Okay, great question.
The first thing you want torealize is that the goal is not
to get her to change her mind orto get her back right.
Your wife has to be able toimagine that life with you could
be better than it ever was.
That's not because of aconversation, that's not because
of a promise or good intentions.
That's experience, right,that's the experience that got
(17:11):
her to say I'm out.
So it's only going to beexperience that's going to make
her want to change her mind, andthat's between her and God.
So there are some things youcan do.
One of the things that I highlyrecommend is something that I
started 14 years ago.
It's called reconnecting, andit's reconnecting with texts,
but it's not about texting as weknow it.
(17:31):
Texting, as we all know, can bevery dangerous.
Right, there's no inflection,there's no body language.
Somebody types the word no andyou don't know if they're mad or
what's going on.
But we can use texting as adelivery system.
If you have the ability to textyour wife and she has not told
(17:51):
you don't call me, don't text me, leave me alone.
Okay, if there's a little bitof wiggle room, then you can.
You can open up someconversation using reconnecting.
I'll give you a quick example.
What I ask my guys to do iscreate a top 10 list.
Okay, first thing you want todo is start with what is she
(18:13):
like?
What is she into?
That you have nothing to dowith?
It doesn't matter what it is.
Business needlepoint, itdoesn't matter, right?
Let's say that she's intogardening.
The first part of the top 10list would be to make it very
specific and very personal toher.
So if it's gardening, okay,what kind of gardening?
(18:34):
Well, she really loves rosesOkay, great Roses.
What kind of roses?
Blue roses Okay, she loves togarden blue, she loves to grow
blue rose, that's her thing.
Okay, that's good.
Blue roses Okay, she loves togarden blue, she loves to grow
blue rose, that's her thing.
Okay, that's good.
And you come up with nine morethings that she's into that you
don't have anything to do with,okay.
So the first part is make itvery specific, very personal for
(18:55):
her.
Right, it's best.
If you have nothing to do withthis, okay.
So that's the first part.
Make it specific and personal.
And then, when you're going tosend her a text, let's say, you
want to make sure that there'sno pressure involved, right,
when you're sending her a text.
It's not about trying to engageher.
You're not trying to get her tolike you again.
(19:15):
That's not part of it right now, right, you just kind of want
to let her know that you knowher and you're thinking of her
and that kind of stuff, withoutany pressure whatsoever.
And then the last part.
I call them ground rules toreconnecting.
The last part is about frequency.
How often do you do these texts?
Well, that's more art thanscience.
It's more about when would itbe welcome for her to receive
(19:37):
one of these texts?
Because if you did three in oneday, that's a full court press
and she's going to think you'relike trying way too hard, right?
So, once every other day, itdepends.
Let's say that she lovesgardening roses.
Okay, if you went to Google andyou go to Google news right,
it's a separate little area,upper right-hand corner.
(19:57):
You click on the littlewhatever it is.
You click Google news and youput in blue roses.
Well, all these articles aregoing to come up and they're
pretty fresh, they're pretty,you know, pretty current and,
being a good husband, you, yougo through them and you see, oh,
this is, this is one.
She's really going to like thisarticle, right, but your heart
has to be pure.
This is not about trying tochange her mind or convince her
(20:20):
of anything.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
It's not a technique Right Right.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Right, that's no good and God knows our heart, so it
has to be pure, right.
So you say, okay, I thinkshe'll like this one, and you
grab the URL and you text it toher, but all you say is check
this out, that's it.
It's one way.
You don't expect a reply.
It's not about trying to getsomething from her.
It's more of a gift, it's moreof a little present right Now.
(20:46):
This is a way that you candemonstrate that you're thinking
of her, but without thepressure of I'm thinking of you.
You don't add the pressure of Ilove you, I miss you.
We should work on this together.
Pressure of I love you, I missyou.
We should work on this together.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
That's nothing but pressure.
(21:07):
Right, okay, but if you'recreating a top 10 list and, by
the way, most guys can do threeoff the top of their head and
they start to struggle and Ithink of three more and there's
four more to go, oh my gosh, alot of people can't even come up
with that.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
Well, that's your first clue that you don't know
your wife well enough, Right,Right.
So you should know Husbands.
If you're listening to this andyou're not separated, like if
you don't, if you can't do yourtop 10 list, you need to do your
top 10 list right now becauseit's like you know that's a,
that's a dangerous place to be,I think, not not knowing your
wife and you know what, you knowwhat.
The reverse is true too, Likeyou can.
So say that to the wives andsay wives if you don't know what
(21:44):
your husband's into, then youknow something's missing in that
connection.
You know, like if I didn't knowthat you like to ride Harleys
and watch the Cubs, you know,right, there's the top two on
the list, right there, harleysand Cubs, yeah, and watching the
Cubs on the list right there,harley's and cubs.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Yeah, and watching the cubs on harley's.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Yeah, now take the bike to chicago right.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
But so for those of you who are listening to this
episode you and you know thatthis doesn't directly apply to
you, but you're listeningbecause you know that it's
helpful and it's really goodthis is your moment for the
preemptive attack.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Preemptively Right Preemptively Do a top 10 list of
your sales interests and makesure that you're doing those
things ahead of time.
You don't have to have astruggle to be able to see how
you can do things better.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Right, hobbies, interest, whatever they're
passionate about.
If someone were to talk to themabout one of these things,
they'd kind of light up Okay,Pay attention to that.
You know, if you're at Costcoand she spends a lot of time in
the coffee aisle, maybe coffee'simportant to her, right,
there's all kinds of things outthere.
Now, what you can send is notjust a link to an article, you
(22:54):
can send a photo.
One of my favorite things is ifyou go into your own phone and
you go into your photo section.
You go back as far as you canand you find a picture of your
kids when they're very small.
But you're not in this photobecause it's not about trying to
manipulate.
You just know that she'd lovethis photo and the kids were
very small or something.
And you send her a photo andall you say is look what I found
(23:17):
.
Again, you're not saying, hey,did you get my text?
You're not putting any pressureon her.
She got it.
She got your text right.
Now, if she replies back andgives you a thumbs up or a heart
or weren't they amazing, youknow, whatever Okay, that's kind
of like a green light and thisis a good thing to be doing.
If she replies back and sayswhat'd you send this to me for?
You have to be honest andtransparent, and the answer is
(23:40):
because I thought you'd like it.
That's the truth.
Right Now, it has to be donewith the right heart.
In fact, here's my motto.
Here's my motto for everythingJust do the next right thing for
the right reasons, with theright heart, and leave the
outcome to God, because if it'sthe next right thing, you never
(24:01):
have to worry about the outcome.
Will she like it?
Will it change her mind?
Will it help us get backtogether?
That's all manipulation right.
God's got this, so don't worryabout it If it truly is the next
right thing to do and reachingout seems to be like the right
thing to do and being kind,right.
And, by the way, this littlething that I came to, this
reconnecting, it works witheveryone with a cell phone,
(24:24):
everyone.
You can send one to your kids,you can send one to your friends
, your neighbors.
I mean, think about it.
What if I sent one to you?
What if, out of the blue, youget a text from me and it's just
a link to an article about theCubs and Harley?
Speaker 3 (24:41):
It's Harley day at Wrigley Field.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Right and you go click what is this?
Cause?
You know me so you'd go.
What is it?
Okay, you click the linkinstantly and there's this
article about something that youare into.
How does that make you feel?
Speaker 2 (24:55):
And see, that's the part that I think so exciting.
It's one of those hey, theythought about me and it gives
you an attitude of thankfulness,right, and so the gratitude,
the thankfulness that comes, Ithink, is one of those things
you'd have to fight hard topress down.
Speaker 3 (25:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
Because when somebody does something that obviously
is unique to you, it makes youfeel like you matter, and that's
a good thing, right, right, andyou put some time in.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
It's not about the expense of buying her gifts.
She's long past that, right.
If there's a separation, shedoesn't want a gift.
And it does feel like amanipulation when you buy her
something.
One of my guys before he joinedthe program that, yeah, well,
she needed something.
So she asked me to buy her anew iPhone.
Okay, so he did and she went.
(25:44):
Yeah, thanks, now leave mealone, because that's not going
to fix it.
Buying her stuff isn't, but thiskind of stuff is letting
because it's personal.
It's letting her know thatyou're paying attention and
you're learning more.
Right, and to practice it, Iwould say do this every single
day.
That's not to her.
You do one to your friend, oneto her the next day, next day,
(26:08):
one to each of your kids,because by the time they're four
, they have their own phone.
That's actually how I came upwith this 14 years ago, when my
wife decided we were done andthe kids actually were on her
side.
They didn't want to be with meat all, okay, and I was doing
everything wrong.
I was badgering my kids,basically putting pressure on
(26:30):
them, and they were young, theywere like 11 and nine.
You know you should spend 50%of the time with your father,
and I love you, I miss you andall this pressure.
They're thinking what can we doabout this?
Love you, I miss you and allthis pressure and they're
thinking what can we do aboutthis.
So, so back in the day, I usedto work at Disneyland, so I took
the kids to Disneyland all thetime.
It was, you know, daddy andkids day, and they love
(26:51):
Disneyland.
So when this started to happen,and you know the, the whole
thing fell apart and they werenot on board with you know, dad
at all.
I went to Disneyland by myself.
I went all the way to the endof the park and there's a little
area called Critter Country andI turned around and I noticed
that there was no sign anywherethat said Critter Country.
So I just took a picture and Isent it to both of my kids.
(27:13):
Within five minutes I got areply and all I said, by the way
, is I just sent a picture and Isaid where am I?
That was it.
That was the whole text.
Five minutes later, my oldestsays you're in critter country.
Come on, dad, you can do betterthan that.
And it was on For the next twohours.
I played a really great gamewith my kids who didn't want to
talk to me at all, right, and wereconnected because the clues
(27:36):
just got harder and harder andharder and you know, all the way
down to a close-up of a littledecoration on a wall or
something.
And that's how it started andit's so effective.
We still do it to this day, 14years later.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
Oh, that's fun yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
It's pretty great.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
So that works Well.
We know that there are a lot ofthings that will run through
the minds of the guys as they'relistening to this, realizing
that you know there's thingsthat I can do better.
How would you encouragesomebody who's wanting to get
started reconnecting but they'renot really sure how to go about
(28:11):
it?
Speaker 1 (28:12):
Yeah, I would highly recommend opening your notebook
and creating a top 10 list.
Find out what your wife isreally into, really passionate
about, what her likes are, and,again, it shouldn't have
anything to do with you.
For instance, one of my guyssaid, well, we love to go
camping together.
And I said, well, that's notgreat because that'll make her
(28:33):
think that you're trying tomanipulate her into thinking
about something.
We did Right.
And another one of my guys wasactually surprised when his wife
did not reply to his text and Isaid well, what did you send so
?
Well, I sent her a picture ofthe two of us on vacation in
Australia a couple of years ago.
Well, he thought that was amanipulation.
(28:55):
You're trying to get her tothink of something.
Okay, all that has to go outthe window.
Your heart has to be right.
It has to be because it's theright thing to do.
So don't try and get her tothink of anything.
Make a top 10 list.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
I like, how, the like , how this the texting or recon
what did you, what did you callit?
Speaker 1 (29:16):
Yeah, it's hard.
It is hard to say it is.
It is hard to say it is, it is.
It's really hard Reconnecting.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Reconnecting is subtly teaching the art of
humility and selflessness, likethere's such a selflessness in
order to send that type of text.
There's this sense ofselflessness that has to be
present and you know that's a,that's a hard, that's a hard
(29:41):
skill to to master, and thosethat master it will not likely
get to the point of separation,right, it's it can also be used
as a pre, a preemptive.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Absolutely yeah.
And if I could encourage peoplealong those same lines, create
a poster as big as you can, awall size poster, and all it has
to say is if it's important toyou, it's important to me.
And for us it has two meaningsIf it's important to my wife,
it's important to me, and ifit's important to God, it's
(30:17):
important to me.
Ok.
Well, what do we do with that?
Well, basically, what if youwoke up every morning and you
spent five whole minutesthinking how can I make my
wife's life a little bettertoday?
Five minutes, okay.
Did she lose something?
I could help her find it.
Is she stressed out?
Can I help her get de-stressed?
(30:38):
Is there something that I cando instead of I got to go to
work, got to make money.
If I make a lot of money, thenmy family knows that I love them
.
Right, one, two steps.
We think that everything in ourlives two-step process.
Something's broken, let's fixit.
That's a two-step process forguys, it's broken, let's fix it.
That's what works everywhereelse.
(31:00):
Right, in your job, whateveryou show up to your job, you do
your job.
They pay you money.
Okay, that's good.
For women, it's a three-stepprocess.
It's not about it's broken,let's fix it In a woman's life
if it's broken.
That's step one, the middlesection.
Step two for them isreconnection.
You have to reconnect firstbefore you work on the issues,
(31:23):
and that's where guys don't.
It doesn't make sense to thembecause we're two step.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
Yeah, in that middle step.
That's, that re's thatconnection point.
That's where trust is built,and if trust isn't built there,
then you're not qualified to fixit, you know.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
Right, right, there'll be no connection.
It's kind of like God's senseof humor with sex.
Guys feel that, okay, sex meansthat if we have sex then we'll
be connected and we'll feelreally connected.
That's great.
Sex means that if we have sexthen we'll be connected and
we'll feel really connected.
That's great.
But God also made women andwomen know that.
Well, unless we're connected,there'll be no sex.
So it's reversed, right, andthat's why we're on this planet
(32:02):
right now, right Before we gohome.
This is our dress rehearsal tofigure this stuff out.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Right, right.
And again, we started earliersaying that we get to the same
place but we go about it alittle differently.
You just described it reallywell and I know that our
listeners will appreciateunderstanding that other step.
Now some of the guys probablyare thinking but I'm not sure I
understand how to reconnect withthe situation the way my wife
(32:30):
does.
I'm not sure that I will everfeel the same things my wife
feels about it.
But one of the things I wasreally encouraged by and I want
to thank you for sharing this,randy was it's not about trying
to be like your spouse, it'sabout being humble enough to
recognize what your spouse isdealing with.
That's huge, that's gigantic.
And so the guys who arethinking I'm not sure that I'll
(32:51):
ever feel the same things myspouse is feeling.
You don't have to, but you needto be able to acknowledge what
she's feeling.
You need to be able to humbleyourself enough that it's not
just jump into fix it mode.
You need to acknowledge thatmiddle step.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Right, absolutely.
And the reality is we have onechoice we can either accept her
for who she is and where she isright now in her life, or we can
reject her.
We cannot fix her and a lot ofthe guys, their first
inclination when we're separatedoh my gosh, I'm in a lot of
pain.
I got to fix this.
They try to fix the situation,the issues or even her, and I
(33:30):
have never heard a wife say ohhoney, thank you for showing me
the error of my ways.
No, there's no wife ever, no,no, no.
Speaker 2 (33:38):
The only thing we can fix as guys when we're dealing
with relational issues is ourown choices and behavior.
Speaker 3 (33:45):
That's the only thing we get opportunity to fix I
think how we say, that is,you're responsible for your own
side of the street cleaning upyour own side of the street?
Speaker 2 (33:51):
if Cleaning up your own side, of the street If
there's a mess.
Even though the mess is on bothsides, you can only clean up
your own side of the street.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
Right, and if you cross the street it'll go south.
If you cross the street to herside to try and help her right,
we'll put those in quotes, quoteunquote help her Like I don't
know.
Leave the Bible open.
To put a post-it note on a nice.
Speaker 3 (34:16):
Bible verse that you think that she could read.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
Okay, Don't, don't don't, don't right, you read the
Bible Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (34:20):
Work on you.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
When you cross that street.
Well, I'm sure she'll like thisyeah, no, no, no, it's just
manipulation.
Not that I've ever done that,no, it's just manipulation.
Not that I've ever done that Idid.
I did everything I made.
So here's the deal.
I've made all the mistakes, soyou guys don't have to.
I've made every mistake in thebook and I know what that's like
and I've dealt with about 1400guys now, but a hundred guys a
(34:45):
year, and I've seen all kinds ofthings and we're in good
company.
We all make the same mistakes,and it's not even just in our
little corner of the world.
I've got clients in Australiaand Japan and we're all cause
we're all raised the same way.
You want to be a good husband,you become a good provider.
We don't have to think likethem.
(35:06):
They don't have to think likeus to accept one another, to
love one another, because we'redifferent.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
Well, and I know that there's been so many times
where I've been asked how do youfeel about that?
And the honest truth is I don'tknow, because it's not
necessarily where, where I go.
It's not that I don't havefeelings.
Please don't misunderstand, aslisteners don't misunderstand.
Of course you have feelings.
I thought you said you had onefeeling.
Yes, I have one feeling, andoccasionally it gets hard, but
(35:35):
the fact that it may not bewhere you go to first doesn't
negate the importance of it ifit's where your wife does go
first, and I think that's reallyimportant.
Now the other thing that was socool that you just shared Randy
don't ever try to think that ifI'm doing the right things, my
(35:56):
spouse is required to respondrightly to me.
Those kinds of expectations areunfair and that's not the way
that God relates to us.
God gives us grace.
I'm so grateful that Goddoesn't love me just when I act
accordingly, and I'm so gratefulthat he's teaching me that I
don't do the things that I do toearn his love.
I was given his love throughChrist.
(36:16):
You know he's wanting me tolive in relationship, and it's
not about the well, because Idid for you, you should do for
me.
And I think the same thing'strue in our marriage
relationships, whether we're inthe process of trying to rebuild
something that's broken ormaintain something that's good.
It's not about if I do theright things, you have to
respond to the way I want you to.
That's an unhealthy attitudethat I think we really need to
(36:38):
call out so that we can overcomeit.
Speaker 3 (36:41):
I'm having flashbacks of scenes from Fireproof in my
brain right now.
You know it takes the ball batto the garbage can because she's
not responding to him the waythat he expects her to respond,
and yeah.
So I will put the link to thatmovie in the show notes too, and
if you haven't watched, itwatch it, because that's a good
(37:04):
movie.
Speaker 1 (37:05):
It is a good movie, and the book that goes with that
movie is called the Love Dare.
Yes, and you just have to.
At this particular point, whenyou guys are separated, it's
great to learn what the lovedare teaches.
You know, it's actually one ofmy favorite movies and books.
But it's not about what she isreceiving.
It's about you becoming thekind of person who does these
(37:26):
things right.
Big distinction there, and whatI would say, in agreement with
what you just said, is we don'twant to base our behavior on her
behavior.
Right, right, it's not aboutI'll be nice to her when she's
nice to me.
No, no, no, we are called to bethe spiritual leaders of the
household.
That means we lead by example,right, and just because nobody
(37:49):
taught us how to do that doesn'tnegate that we are still called
to be the spiritual leader ofthe household, which means we do
the next right thing.
Why?
Because it's the right thing todo Right.
Speaker 3 (37:59):
We did a whole podcast on covenant
relationships, you know, andcompare that to contractual
relationships and I know that'sthat's really what we're talking
about here, at least in thissegment of the podcast is that,
you know, living in acontractual relationship is I'm
going to do X, y Z If you do X YZ or vice versa, and that's not
(38:20):
what God has called us to.
You know, god has called us tolive in a covenant relationship.
That means we'll, I will dowhat is the right thing to do,
regardless of what you do, right?
Speaker 1 (38:32):
Right, and that happens to be the single most
attractive thing that you can do.
And we're working on ourselves,right?
Imagine this what if yoursignificant other was all about
self-improvement, right, goingto their own small group and
seeing how they can get closerto Christ?
Okay, how attractive is that?
(38:52):
Okay, so, honestly, that is thesingle most important thing
that you can do is decide I'mgoing to become the best version
of me, I want to become God'sman.
Okay, cause God's not going totap her on the shoulder and get
her attention and say, hey, lookover at this guy.
He's not going to do that untilyou're ready, until you're
(39:13):
healthy.
So you get healthy.
And I've seen it time after timeafter time.
I've seen it from devastation.
You know, one of our guys wasdivorced before he even joined
the program.
He was divorced for two yearsand was completely blocked,
can't contact her at all.
And there was an occasion whereit was a personal anniversary.
(39:36):
So we crafted a nice note, sentit to her.
She immediately unblocked himand they started talking and
they started dating and nowthey're back together.
God can do anything.
Speaker 3 (39:48):
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:50):
Well, and you know, if he can reconcile sinful
people to himself, he canreconcile even the messiest of
marriages.
We just need to trust him anddo it his way.
The struggle that we have istoo often we want to do things
our own way.
That just doesn't work out verywell, right?
Speaker 1 (40:07):
Well, we want to help him Right.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
Because again, we're going to fix it.
Speaker 1 (40:12):
That's right, we're going to fix it.
Right.
It's like no, no, no it's.
Instead of trying to think thatyou're going to fix it, how
about we get out of his way?
Right, yeah, how about we?
Just look, just do the nextright thing.
Just focus on becoming the bestversion who he, he wants us to
be, and make that a hundredpercent.
Focus, zero percent on whatshe's doing, what she's thinking
(40:32):
, what she's feeling, what otherpeople are telling her that's
on her side of the street.
You let that go.
You work on yourself.
Watch what God can do with that.
Speaker 2 (40:43):
And that's a good word.
We want to encourage all of you.
If any of this resonated withyou, check out Randy's website.
Check out his book Again.
You can get it for less than acup of coffee.
It's going to benefit you.
It's going to bless you.
Randy, thank you so much forsharing everything that you
shared today with our listeners.
Thank you Appreciate it.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
(41:04):
This is the Vision DrivenMarriage and we continue to pray
that God will solidify yourmarriage.
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Welcome, my friends, to this episode of the Vision
Driven Marriage podcast, wherewe encourage and equip you for
lifelong love.
Today, we're honored tointroduce to you Randy Pryor, a
pillar of strength and theauthor of the SOS Reconnection
Method.
Randy's unwavering dedicationto helping separated husbands
find their way back to love andconnection is both inspiring and
(00:55):
invaluable.
Our conversation today promisesto uplift and empower those who
may be facing similarchallenges.
So grab a cup of coffee or yourfavorite beverage and settle in
and prepare to be moved byRandy's wisdom and encouragement
to never give up on love.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis,and today we're joined by Randy
Pryor.
Randy helps husbands whosewives have said I'm done, randy,
welcome, we're glad you're withus today.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Thank you so much.
I am very excited to be here.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Well, I'm excited to hear about what that message
really looks like.
I know you've written a book,but the concept of husbands who
are finding themselves in aposition where they're either
separated or they might soon beand being completely caught off
guard by it is not a newphenomenon.
It's been going on for a longtime, so let us know a little
(01:55):
bit about the insight that youhave in this situation.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Sure, absolutely.
I was married for about 14years and had it all wife and
kids, and multiple businessesand all the stuff that the world
will say that we're a success,right, right.
And I used to be for about40-year career now.
I was a comedy juggler andmagician on cruise ships and all
(02:19):
over the world and traveledeverywhere and we had a great
time doing that and that was alot of fun.
But when my wife and I decidedto have kids, we got off the
ships and came home right, sowe're on land and that kind of
well.
It kind of pushed me intooverdrive.
So I became a workaholic, didn'trealize it.
Right, I just wanted to providefor the kids.
In fact, that's what the worldteaches us If you want to be a
(02:42):
good husband, you need to becomea good provider, and that's
what we learn, but unfortunately, most of us, that's all we
learn.
So I did that and I, you know,I dove into work and I did
everything and I provided forthe family.
And after 14 years my wife cameto me and said, hey, listen, I
don't love you anymore, I want adivorce.
And it threw me for a loop.
(03:02):
I mean, it was the most painfulthing ever.
So I went to my church and theyhad a support group for
separated guys and I dove in andI learned all kinds of things
that I should have been doingall along, but I just didn't
know about Right, and that'swhere it started.
Matter of fact, six monthslater they asked me to become a
leader, and that was 14 and ahalf years ago, and I'm still
(03:24):
there.
They asked me to become aleader, and that was 14 and a
half years ago, and I'm stillthere.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
So it's, it's again the phrase is I knew it was bad,
but I didn't think it was thatbad.
Right, I can't tell you howmany times that I've heard
exactly that phrase.
You know, I knew it was bad,but I didn't realize it was this
bad.
And and so many times guys arecaught off guard because, as you
said, we have this innatedesire to provide and the world
is telling us that the way thatyou do, that, the right way, is
(03:53):
to provide financially.
And so we throw ourselves intowork and it can often work out
very badly.
And so you know, what would youtell a guy who has just
recently been caught off guardby the concept of my wife wants
to separate.
Yeah, that's.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
it's really hard, it's really really painful
because it's so out of the blue.
It seems like I had a leftfield for us, right?
So when someone would have anargument, that's one thing.
When there's a separation, whenthey kick us out or they leave
or something, it's an actualseparation.
The time for talking about itis past.
That's gone.
It's no longer on the boards,right?
(04:32):
She's saying.
In fact, she's saying twothings.
She's saying I can't stand theway it is and I can't imagine
that it will ever changepermanently.
Right, those are two majorthings.
Now, that doesn't mean that itcan't change or get better.
It just means that right nowshe can't imagine it.
And that's based on herpersonal experience with her
(04:52):
husband.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
That may be after years of feeling alone and
isolated in, you know, in therelationship, and then on top of
that, when there's no, noacknowledgement or validation of
those feelings, you know, thenthat does become her experience,
right.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Right, absolutely.
And unfortunately, guys thinkthat if they they put a bandaid
on it, they buy her flowers,they tell them they're sorry,
they do all this stuff Right,and it backfires because it just
shows that he doesn't get it,he's not understanding this
Right.
So this is kind of this is kindof harsh, but here's the
(05:30):
reality.
Her biggest fear is that hedoes change and they get back
together and it's wonderful fora while and it slides right back
to the way it used to be.
That's her biggest fear.
And then it slides right backto the way it used to be.
That's her biggest fear.
So you know, if you're watchingthis right now, if you're
separated I've got some news foryou and it's not pretty, but
(05:51):
here it is.
Here's the truth.
Okay, your wife is not comingback to you and I know that's
harsh, but your wife is notcoming back to you.
She may go forward with you,but she's not going backwards
into the old, dead, broken,irreparable marriage.
And that's again based on herexperience.
Why would she come back to whatshe already knows is broken?
Speaker 3 (06:14):
So all you got to do is change it.
But I love that message though,because there's still hope in
that Right.
She might not be coming back tothat broken relationship, but
that doesn't mean that it can'tbe changed and she still might
move forward.
You know, absolutely, it's awhole message.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Right, right, oh, absolutely.
Miracles happen all the time.
But we know communication oftenis one of the things that
breaks down pretty early, whenyou struggle to be able to even
recognize the problem the sameway as your spouse does.
But I look at how the verythings that cause us to come
together in the first place canend up contributing to the
(06:57):
struggles that you've justdescribed, because, even though
it's not true in a hundredpercent of men, most of us are
wired to to fix problems and weneed to.
We need to acknowledge that andtalk about that and and I know
that there was an episodeprobably six months ago where I
was sharing that one of thestruggles that I had early on in
(07:17):
our marriage was Leslie had aterrible day and she needed to
cry, and while she was tellingme about her terrible day, I was
formulating all the solutionsto fix the problem that caused
her terrible day and it was notat all what she needed.
But I'm just being blunt, I hadno idea what she needed.
I was blessed enough where shetold me early on that's not what
(07:41):
I need you to do, I don't needyou to fix this and so, and that
was, that was a great thing.
But then I look at how so manywomen have this same kind of
innate wiring, but theirs is forsecurity, whether they provide
it for themselves and a lot ofwomen do provide that for
themselves or if it's providedthrough their relationship.
(08:02):
And so the combination of usgoing out trying to fix
everything but then not reallyunderstanding what causes the
security I've seen so many timeswhere that's a struggle and so
many times where I had a nearcollision in my own relationship
because I didn't understand thestruggle.
So what would you tell somebodywho's at that place where they
(08:24):
know how they're made but theydon't know what they need to be
able to move forward?
What advice would you give?
Speaker 1 (08:30):
them.
Yeah Well, obviously as a quickreview, because we all know
this, but I'll say it out loudmen and women are made
differently.
Yes, we are.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
We're just different.
Right, there's a lot ofbenefits in that, right?
Well, of course, of course.
Right, he doesn't make anymistakes.
But he made men for the andagain, generally speaking, men
got the logic and the need tofix things.
That's like in our DNA, right?
Okay, that's why it works forus everywhere else.
Like in your job, okay, you doyour job, you get paid.
(09:03):
Pretty simple, right.
If you don't do your job, youdon't get paid.
Okay, that's pretty black andwhite for us and that's how we
kind of relate.
Women, on the other hand, asyou know, emotions, nurturing,
intuition, really great stuff.
But that's not how we're built.
So we try to communicate fromour understanding and not from
theirs.
Okay, so it's simply twodifferent perspectives.
(09:26):
I'll give you a quick littleillustration, one of my favorite
um uh, husband and wife gooutside and the wife says what a
beautiful green sky.
And the husband says it is abeautiful sky, but it's blue.
And she says no, no, no, thesky we're under right now.
He says yeah, it's, it's blue.
(09:46):
Hang on a second, bob, bill,come, come here.
What color is the sky?
And they say it's blue, why?
And they look over where thewife used to be and there's a
big puff of smoke because she'sgone.
She doesn't want to be toldthat she's wrong.
And the answer is not blue orgreen.
The answer is isn't thatamazing?
You see green and I see blue.
It's just two differentperspectives.
Right, it doesn't.
Being a man and having havingthe, the logic, you know, kind
(10:11):
of stuff in me, I had to getover the idea that it had to be
right or wrong.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
Yes, it's not a right or wrong thing, it's not.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
And it's hard for us to um, to relate to that.
It's kind of like when, oh boy,if a guy is at a table and
there's a big puzzle with allthe pieces right, and it's all
made, it's all done except fortwo pieces of the puzzle, and
they're in my hands, I've gotthe two pieces.
I'm not allowed to put thepieces in there.
No, it's not.
(10:42):
You have to consider that thepuzzle is finished like it is
and these two pieces, they'rejust extra.
Oh, it drives guys crazy.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
Yeah, it would drive anybody crazy.
It'd probably drive a lot offemales crazy too.
I think a lot of the times whatI see too, the dynamic going on
between a husband and a wife isit's not about right and wrong,
but it's you have to be like meyou know, and we're not like
each other.
But I want you to be more likeme.
(11:11):
I want you to be more emotional, I want you to be more
connective, I want you to be.
You know all the things andlikewise, you know women being
more logical.
Well, we're not logical.
I mean, we're logical, yes,Like we're logical but our
initial reaction may beemotional before it's logical.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Right, and we think.
We think we want our spouse tobe more like us.
The reality is we don't.
What drew us together in thefirst place was that we're so
much better together, but thosevery things that we love about
one another can frustrate us tono end, and so one of the things
that's beautiful about that,though, is we get to the same
place, but we do it verydifferently, very differently.
(11:55):
You know, men tend again to sayshow me the problem, I'll fix
it.
Now, where, often, I know thatLeslie in particular.
She sees things I don't see.
She understands the waysomebody's feeling when all I
want to do is help them, and sheunderstands the way that it
will impact them in the long run.
Where I don't see any of that,again, I'm just.
(12:15):
You know, let's solve theproblem, and that by itself is a
good thing.
Problem is, we don't.
If we don't communicate thatdifference, well, we are really
going to struggle.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Yeah, yeah, right, right.
And I agree with Dr.
I think it was Stephen Coveywho said people don't listen
with the intent to understand.
They listen with the intent toreply.
And I was guilty as any otherguy out there.
I don't know why, but I thoughtit was a good thing that, while
she's describing the issue, I'malready coming up with the
(12:49):
answer, I'm already come up witha fix, and it was stupid, but I
didn't know.
That's what works everywhereelse, right?
So I'm a big fan of the ideathat any two people can solve or
at least manage anything, anyissue or problem, as long as
they're on the same page.
Right now, if you're goingthrough separation, not only are
(13:11):
you not on the same page,you're not even in the same book
, and if divorce is on the table, you're not even in the same
library.
So we got to get you guys backon the same page, and that has
nothing to do with convincingher, talking her into something.
Those days are gone.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
What are the first steps for that?
What would you tell someonewho's who you're you're coaching
through?
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Yeah, that's a great question, Believe it or not.
If your goal is to, let's say,get back together with your wife
, the best way to do that is tolet go of the idea that you can
fix this right.
After doing this for 14 years,I can tell you if you really
want to fix this, you got tostop trying to fix this.
(13:54):
That's all about manipulation,right?
It's about changing her mind.
The real way.
That here's the first step.
First step is you want tochange your goal, instead of
your goal being how do I get herto, how do I change her mind?
How do I?
Okay, All that is that's she'sGod's daughter, so God's got her
.
You gotta, you gotta give herup to God and say okay, I want
(14:17):
to change my goal to becomingthe best version of myself that
I can be Okay, and that's thefirst step.
It's also the hardest, becauseguys aren't built that way.
I want to fix it.
I want to say the right wordsand give me the magic phrase and
that we're back to square oneand we're good again.
And that's not it, andunfortunately, I mean it's a
great goal to have.
God wants us to be together,right.
(14:38):
He invented marriage and hehates divorce.
Right, we understand this, butthe best way to get to that
point is to stop trying to fixthe situation.
Instead of focusing on theissues, you want to focus on
becoming the best version ofyourself as quickly as possible,
and that's how we help guys.
That's the best way to reachthat goal and the quickest way
(15:00):
to do that.
Speaker 3 (15:01):
How would you suggest that a guy who's working on
becoming the best version ofhimself reconnect with his wife?
I'm assuming this is somethingthat you outline in your book,
which is called the SOSReconnection Method.
So I'm assuming that there's amethod right to reconnection.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Yeah, sos is very simple.
The first S is stop pushing heraway.
O is open communication.
The last S is surround yourselfwith some godly men who've
already gone through it beforeand can help you get through it
right Support and accountability.
So that's what that's about.
There is a way through this,but that's the only way that
I've ever seen.
(15:42):
It's not about all thesetechniques and tricks and no
contact, and that's just that'sall manipulation way that I've
ever seen.
It's not about all thesetechniques and tricks and no
contact and that's just that'sall manipulation.
Right?
That's not what.
That's not what this is goingto.
That's not what works.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
And I love your book.
It's less than it costs lessthan a cup of coffee.
It's widely available and Ijust think that it will be a
great help to a lot of people,and so so I'm just going to plug
the website.
It's randypriorcom, right?
The book's available on thereand it's $4.99.
You're like less than a cup ofcoffee, you know.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
Yeah, now I know some of our listeners, though, as
they're as they're listening tothis, they want to check this
out and some of the guys arestruggling because they heard
you just now and what you saidwas said was great.
It's not about thisstep-by-step process, it's more
than that.
The problem is a lot of ourlisteners right now are saying
you know, the guys who arestarting to struggle a little
(16:34):
bit in their relationshipthey're saying just tell me what
to do and I'll do it, becausethat's where they're stuck,
because that's the way we sooften operate.
So if somebody's saying, justtell me what to do and I'll do
it, how would you respond tothem?
Speaker 1 (16:47):
Okay, great question.
The first thing you want torealize is that the goal is not
to get her to change her mind orto get her back right.
Your wife has to be able toimagine that life with you could
be better than it ever was.
That's not because of aconversation, that's not because
of a promise or good intentions.
That's experience, right,that's the experience that got
(17:11):
her to say I'm out.
So it's only going to beexperience that's going to make
her want to change her mind, andthat's between her and God.
So there are some things youcan do.
One of the things that I highlyrecommend is something that I
started 14 years ago.
It's called reconnecting, andit's reconnecting with texts,
but it's not about texting as weknow it.
(17:31):
Texting, as we all know, can bevery dangerous.
Right, there's no inflection,there's no body language.
Somebody types the word no andyou don't know if they're mad or
what's going on.
But we can use texting as adelivery system.
If you have the ability to textyour wife and she has not told
(17:51):
you don't call me, don't text me, leave me alone.
Okay, if there's a little bitof wiggle room, then you can.
You can open up someconversation using reconnecting.
I'll give you a quick example.
What I ask my guys to do iscreate a top 10 list.
Okay, first thing you want todo is start with what is she
(18:13):
like?
What is she into?
That you have nothing to dowith?
It doesn't matter what it is.
Business needlepoint, itdoesn't matter, right?
Let's say that she's intogardening.
The first part of the top 10list would be to make it very
specific and very personal toher.
So if it's gardening, okay,what kind of gardening?
(18:34):
Well, she really loves rosesOkay, great Roses.
What kind of roses?
Blue roses Okay, she loves togarden blue, she loves to grow
blue rose, that's her thing.
Okay, that's good.
Blue roses Okay, she loves togarden blue, she loves to grow
blue rose, that's her thing.
Okay, that's good.
And you come up with nine morethings that she's into that you
don't have anything to do with,okay.
So the first part is make itvery specific, very personal for
(18:55):
her.
Right, it's best.
If you have nothing to do withthis, okay.
So that's the first part.
Make it specific and personal.
And then, when you're going tosend her a text, let's say, you
want to make sure that there'sno pressure involved, right,
when you're sending her a text.
It's not about trying to engageher.
You're not trying to get her tolike you again.
(19:15):
That's not part of it right now, right, you just kind of want
to let her know that you knowher and you're thinking of her
and that kind of stuff, withoutany pressure whatsoever.
And then the last part.
I call them ground rules toreconnecting.
The last part is about frequency.
How often do you do these texts?
Well, that's more art thanscience.
It's more about when would itbe welcome for her to receive
(19:37):
one of these texts?
Because if you did three in oneday, that's a full court press
and she's going to think you'relike trying way too hard, right?
So, once every other day, itdepends.
Let's say that she lovesgardening roses.
Okay, if you went to Google andyou go to Google news right,
it's a separate little area,upper right-hand corner.
(19:57):
You click on the littlewhatever it is.
You click Google news and youput in blue roses.
Well, all these articles aregoing to come up and they're
pretty fresh, they're pretty,you know, pretty current and,
being a good husband, you, yougo through them and you see, oh,
this is, this is one.
She's really going to like thisarticle, right, but your heart
has to be pure.
This is not about trying tochange her mind or convince her
(20:20):
of anything.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
It's not a technique Right Right.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Right, that's no good and God knows our heart, so it
has to be pure, right.
So you say, okay, I thinkshe'll like this one, and you
grab the URL and you text it toher, but all you say is check
this out, that's it.
It's one way.
You don't expect a reply.
It's not about trying to getsomething from her.
It's more of a gift, it's moreof a little present right Now.
(20:46):
This is a way that you candemonstrate that you're thinking
of her, but without thepressure of I'm thinking of you.
You don't add the pressure of Ilove you, I miss you.
We should work on this together.
Pressure of I love you, I missyou.
We should work on this together.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
That's nothing but pressure.
(21:07):
Right, okay, but if you'recreating a top 10 list and, by
the way, most guys can do threeoff the top of their head and
they start to struggle and Ithink of three more and there's
four more to go, oh my gosh, alot of people can't even come up
with that.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
Well, that's your first clue that you don't know
your wife well enough, Right,Right.
So you should know Husbands.
If you're listening to this andyou're not separated, like if
you don't, if you can't do yourtop 10 list, you need to do your
top 10 list right now becauseit's like you know that's a,
that's a dangerous place to be,I think, not not knowing your
wife and you know what, you knowwhat.
The reverse is true too, Likeyou can.
So say that to the wives andsay wives if you don't know what
(21:44):
your husband's into, then youknow something's missing in that
connection.
You know, like if I didn't knowthat you like to ride Harleys
and watch the Cubs, you know,right, there's the top two on
the list, right there, harleysand Cubs, yeah, and watching the
Cubs on the list right there,harley's and cubs.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Yeah, and watching the cubs on harley's.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Yeah, now take the bike to chicago right.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
But so for those of you who are listening to this
episode you and you know thatthis doesn't directly apply to
you, but you're listeningbecause you know that it's
helpful and it's really goodthis is your moment for the
preemptive attack.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Preemptively Right Preemptively Do a top 10 list of
your sales interests and makesure that you're doing those
things ahead of time.
You don't have to have astruggle to be able to see how
you can do things better.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Right, hobbies, interest, whatever they're
passionate about.
If someone were to talk to themabout one of these things,
they'd kind of light up Okay,Pay attention to that.
You know, if you're at Costcoand she spends a lot of time in
the coffee aisle, maybe coffee'simportant to her, right,
there's all kinds of things outthere.
Now, what you can send is notjust a link to an article, you
(22:54):
can send a photo.
One of my favorite things is ifyou go into your own phone and
you go into your photo section.
You go back as far as you canand you find a picture of your
kids when they're very small.
But you're not in this photobecause it's not about trying to
manipulate.
You just know that she'd lovethis photo and the kids were
very small or something.
And you send her a photo andall you say is look what I found
(23:17):
.
Again, you're not saying, hey,did you get my text?
You're not putting any pressureon her.
She got it.
She got your text right.
Now, if she replies back andgives you a thumbs up or a heart
or weren't they amazing, youknow, whatever Okay, that's kind
of like a green light and thisis a good thing to be doing.
If she replies back and sayswhat'd you send this to me for?
You have to be honest andtransparent, and the answer is
(23:40):
because I thought you'd like it.
That's the truth.
Right Now, it has to be donewith the right heart.
In fact, here's my motto.
Here's my motto for everythingJust do the next right thing for
the right reasons, with theright heart, and leave the
outcome to God, because if it'sthe next right thing, you never
(24:01):
have to worry about the outcome.
Will she like it?
Will it change her mind?
Will it help us get backtogether?
That's all manipulation right.
God's got this, so don't worryabout it If it truly is the next
right thing to do and reachingout seems to be like the right
thing to do and being kind,right.
And, by the way, this littlething that I came to, this
reconnecting, it works witheveryone with a cell phone,
(24:24):
everyone.
You can send one to your kids,you can send one to your friends
, your neighbors.
I mean, think about it.
What if I sent one to you?
What if, out of the blue, youget a text from me and it's just
a link to an article about theCubs and Harley?
Speaker 3 (24:41):
It's Harley day at Wrigley Field.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Right and you go click what is this?
Cause?
You know me so you'd go.
What is it?
Okay, you click the linkinstantly and there's this
article about something that youare into.
How does that make you feel?
Speaker 2 (24:55):
And see, that's the part that I think so exciting.
It's one of those hey, theythought about me and it gives
you an attitude of thankfulness,right, and so the gratitude,
the thankfulness that comes, Ithink, is one of those things
you'd have to fight hard topress down.
Speaker 3 (25:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
Because when somebody does something that obviously
is unique to you, it makes youfeel like you matter, and that's
a good thing, right, right, andyou put some time in.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
It's not about the expense of buying her gifts.
She's long past that, right.
If there's a separation, shedoesn't want a gift.
And it does feel like amanipulation when you buy her
something.
One of my guys before he joinedthe program that, yeah, well,
she needed something.
So she asked me to buy her anew iPhone.
Okay, so he did and she went.
(25:44):
Yeah, thanks, now leave mealone, because that's not going
to fix it.
Buying her stuff isn't, but thiskind of stuff is letting
because it's personal.
It's letting her know thatyou're paying attention and
you're learning more.
Right, and to practice it, Iwould say do this every single
day.
That's not to her.
You do one to your friend, oneto her the next day, next day,
(26:08):
one to each of your kids,because by the time they're four
, they have their own phone.
That's actually how I came upwith this 14 years ago, when my
wife decided we were done andthe kids actually were on her
side.
They didn't want to be with meat all, okay, and I was doing
everything wrong.
I was badgering my kids,basically putting pressure on
(26:30):
them, and they were young, theywere like 11 and nine.
You know you should spend 50%of the time with your father,
and I love you, I miss you andall this pressure.
They're thinking what can we doabout this?
Love you, I miss you and allthis pressure and they're
thinking what can we do aboutthis.
So, so back in the day, I usedto work at Disneyland, so I took
the kids to Disneyland all thetime.
It was, you know, daddy andkids day, and they love
(26:51):
Disneyland.
So when this started to happen,and you know the, the whole
thing fell apart and they werenot on board with you know, dad
at all.
I went to Disneyland by myself.
I went all the way to the endof the park and there's a little
area called Critter Country andI turned around and I noticed
that there was no sign anywherethat said Critter Country.
So I just took a picture and Isent it to both of my kids.
(27:13):
Within five minutes I got areply and all I said, by the way
, is I just sent a picture and Isaid where am I?
That was it.
That was the whole text.
Five minutes later, my oldestsays you're in critter country.
Come on, dad, you can do betterthan that.
And it was on For the next twohours.
I played a really great gamewith my kids who didn't want to
talk to me at all, right, and wereconnected because the clues
(27:36):
just got harder and harder andharder and you know, all the way
down to a close-up of a littledecoration on a wall or
something.
And that's how it started andit's so effective.
We still do it to this day, 14years later.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
Oh, that's fun yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
It's pretty great.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
So that works Well.
We know that there are a lot ofthings that will run through
the minds of the guys as they'relistening to this, realizing
that you know there's thingsthat I can do better.
How would you encouragesomebody who's wanting to get
started reconnecting but they'renot really sure how to go about
(28:11):
it?
Speaker 1 (28:12):
Yeah, I would highly recommend opening your notebook
and creating a top 10 list.
Find out what your wife isreally into, really passionate
about, what her likes are, and,again, it shouldn't have
anything to do with you.
For instance, one of my guyssaid, well, we love to go
camping together.
And I said, well, that's notgreat because that'll make her
(28:33):
think that you're trying tomanipulate her into thinking
about something.
We did Right.
And another one of my guys wasactually surprised when his wife
did not reply to his text and Isaid well, what did you send so
?
Well, I sent her a picture ofthe two of us on vacation in
Australia a couple of years ago.
Well, he thought that was amanipulation.
(28:55):
You're trying to get her tothink of something.
Okay, all that has to go outthe window.
Your heart has to be right.
It has to be because it's theright thing to do.
So don't try and get her tothink of anything.
Make a top 10 list.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
I like, how, the like , how this the texting or recon
what did you, what did you callit?
Speaker 1 (29:16):
Yeah, it's hard.
It is hard to say it is.
It is hard to say it is, it is.
It's really hard Reconnecting.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Reconnecting is subtly teaching the art of
humility and selflessness, likethere's such a selflessness in
order to send that type of text.
There's this sense ofselflessness that has to be
present and you know that's a,that's a hard, that's a hard
(29:41):
skill to to master, and thosethat master it will not likely
get to the point of separation,right, it's it can also be used
as a pre, a preemptive.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Absolutely yeah.
And if I could encourage peoplealong those same lines, create
a poster as big as you can, awall size poster, and all it has
to say is if it's important toyou, it's important to me.
And for us it has two meaningsIf it's important to my wife,
it's important to me, and ifit's important to God, it's
(30:17):
important to me.
Ok.
Well, what do we do with that?
Well, basically, what if youwoke up every morning and you
spent five whole minutesthinking how can I make my
wife's life a little bettertoday?
Five minutes, okay.
Did she lose something?
I could help her find it.
Is she stressed out?
Can I help her get de-stressed?
(30:38):
Is there something that I cando instead of I got to go to
work, got to make money.
If I make a lot of money, thenmy family knows that I love them
.
Right, one, two steps.
We think that everything in ourlives two-step process.
Something's broken, let's fixit.
That's a two-step process forguys, it's broken, let's fix it.
That's what works everywhereelse.
(31:00):
Right, in your job, whateveryou show up to your job, you do
your job.
They pay you money.
Okay, that's good.
For women, it's a three-stepprocess.
It's not about it's broken,let's fix it In a woman's life
if it's broken.
That's step one, the middlesection.
Step two for them isreconnection.
You have to reconnect firstbefore you work on the issues,
(31:23):
and that's where guys don't.
It doesn't make sense to thembecause we're two step.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
Yeah, in that middle step.
That's, that re's thatconnection point.
That's where trust is built,and if trust isn't built there,
then you're not qualified to fixit, you know.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
Right, right, there'll be no connection.
It's kind of like God's senseof humor with sex.
Guys feel that, okay, sex meansthat if we have sex then we'll
be connected and we'll feelreally connected.
That's great.
Sex means that if we have sexthen we'll be connected and
we'll feel really connected.
That's great.
But God also made women andwomen know that.
Well, unless we're connected,there'll be no sex.
So it's reversed, right, andthat's why we're on this planet
(32:02):
right now, right Before we gohome.
This is our dress rehearsal tofigure this stuff out.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Right, right.
And again, we started earliersaying that we get to the same
place but we go about it alittle differently.
You just described it reallywell and I know that our
listeners will appreciateunderstanding that other step.
Now some of the guys probablyare thinking but I'm not sure I
understand how to reconnect withthe situation the way my wife
(32:30):
does.
I'm not sure that I will everfeel the same things my wife
feels about it.
But one of the things I wasreally encouraged by and I want
to thank you for sharing this,randy was it's not about trying
to be like your spouse, it'sabout being humble enough to
recognize what your spouse isdealing with.
That's huge, that's gigantic.
And so the guys who arethinking I'm not sure that I'll
(32:51):
ever feel the same things myspouse is feeling.
You don't have to, but you needto be able to acknowledge what
she's feeling.
You need to be able to humbleyourself enough that it's not
just jump into fix it mode.
You need to acknowledge thatmiddle step.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Right, absolutely.
And the reality is we have onechoice we can either accept her
for who she is and where she isright now in her life, or we can
reject her.
We cannot fix her and a lot ofthe guys, their first
inclination when we're separatedoh my gosh, I'm in a lot of
pain.
I got to fix this.
They try to fix the situation,the issues or even her, and I
(33:30):
have never heard a wife say ohhoney, thank you for showing me
the error of my ways.
No, there's no wife ever, no,no, no.
Speaker 2 (33:38):
The only thing we can fix as guys when we're dealing
with relational issues is ourown choices and behavior.
Speaker 3 (33:45):
That's the only thing we get opportunity to fix I
think how we say, that is,you're responsible for your own
side of the street cleaning upyour own side of the street?
Speaker 2 (33:51):
if Cleaning up your own side, of the street If
there's a mess.
Even though the mess is on bothsides, you can only clean up
your own side of the street.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
Right, and if you cross the street it'll go south.
If you cross the street to herside to try and help her right,
we'll put those in quotes, quoteunquote help her Like I don't
know.
Leave the Bible open.
To put a post-it note on a nice.
Speaker 3 (34:16):
Bible verse that you think that she could read.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
Okay, Don't, don't don't, don't right, you read the
Bible Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (34:20):
Work on you.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
When you cross that street.
Well, I'm sure she'll like thisyeah, no, no, no, it's just
manipulation.
Not that I've ever done that,no, it's just manipulation.
Not that I've ever done that Idid.
I did everything I made.
So here's the deal.
I've made all the mistakes, soyou guys don't have to.
I've made every mistake in thebook and I know what that's like
and I've dealt with about 1400guys now, but a hundred guys a
(34:45):
year, and I've seen all kinds ofthings and we're in good
company.
We all make the same mistakes,and it's not even just in our
little corner of the world.
I've got clients in Australiaand Japan and we're all cause
we're all raised the same way.
You want to be a good husband,you become a good provider.
We don't have to think likethem.
(35:06):
They don't have to think likeus to accept one another, to
love one another, because we'redifferent.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
Well, and I know that there's been so many times
where I've been asked how do youfeel about that?
And the honest truth is I don'tknow, because it's not
necessarily where, where I go.
It's not that I don't havefeelings.
Please don't misunderstand, aslisteners don't misunderstand.
Of course you have feelings.
I thought you said you had onefeeling.
Yes, I have one feeling, andoccasionally it gets hard, but
(35:35):
the fact that it may not bewhere you go to first doesn't
negate the importance of it ifit's where your wife does go
first, and I think that's reallyimportant.
Now the other thing that was socool that you just shared Randy
don't ever try to think that ifI'm doing the right things, my
(35:56):
spouse is required to respondrightly to me.
Those kinds of expectations areunfair and that's not the way
that God relates to us.
God gives us grace.
I'm so grateful that Goddoesn't love me just when I act
accordingly, and I'm so gratefulthat he's teaching me that I
don't do the things that I do toearn his love.
I was given his love throughChrist.
(36:16):
You know he's wanting me tolive in relationship, and it's
not about the well, because Idid for you, you should do for
me.
And I think the same thing'strue in our marriage
relationships, whether we're inthe process of trying to rebuild
something that's broken ormaintain something that's good.
It's not about if I do theright things, you have to
respond to the way I want you to.
That's an unhealthy attitudethat I think we really need to
(36:38):
call out so that we can overcomeit.
Speaker 3 (36:41):
I'm having flashbacks of scenes from Fireproof in my
brain right now.
You know it takes the ball batto the garbage can because she's
not responding to him the waythat he expects her to respond,
and yeah.
So I will put the link to thatmovie in the show notes too, and
if you haven't watched, itwatch it, because that's a good
(37:04):
movie.
Speaker 1 (37:05):
It is a good movie, and the book that goes with that
movie is called the Love Dare.
Yes, and you just have to.
At this particular point, whenyou guys are separated, it's
great to learn what the lovedare teaches.
You know, it's actually one ofmy favorite movies and books.
But it's not about what she isreceiving.
It's about you becoming thekind of person who does these
(37:26):
things right.
Big distinction there, and whatI would say, in agreement with
what you just said, is we don'twant to base our behavior on her
behavior.
Right, right, it's not aboutI'll be nice to her when she's
nice to me.
No, no, no, we are called to bethe spiritual leaders of the
household.
That means we lead by example,right, and just because nobody
(37:49):
taught us how to do that doesn'tnegate that we are still called
to be the spiritual leader ofthe household, which means we do
the next right thing.
Why?
Because it's the right thing todo Right.
Speaker 3 (37:59):
We did a whole podcast on covenant
relationships, you know, andcompare that to contractual
relationships and I know that'sthat's really what we're talking
about here, at least in thissegment of the podcast is that,
you know, living in acontractual relationship is I'm
going to do X, y Z If you do X YZ or vice versa, and that's not
(38:20):
what God has called us to.
You know, god has called us tolive in a covenant relationship.
That means we'll, I will dowhat is the right thing to do,
regardless of what you do, right?
Speaker 1 (38:32):
Right, and that happens to be the single most
attractive thing that you can do.
And we're working on ourselves,right?
Imagine this what if yoursignificant other was all about
self-improvement, right, goingto their own small group and
seeing how they can get closerto Christ?
Okay, how attractive is that?
(38:52):
Okay, so, honestly, that is thesingle most important thing
that you can do is decide I'mgoing to become the best version
of me, I want to become God'sman.
Okay, cause God's not going totap her on the shoulder and get
her attention and say, hey, lookover at this guy.
He's not going to do that untilyou're ready, until you're
(39:13):
healthy.
So you get healthy.
And I've seen it time after timeafter time.
I've seen it from devastation.
You know, one of our guys wasdivorced before he even joined
the program.
He was divorced for two yearsand was completely blocked,
can't contact her at all.
And there was an occasion whereit was a personal anniversary.
(39:36):
So we crafted a nice note, sentit to her.
She immediately unblocked himand they started talking and
they started dating and nowthey're back together.
God can do anything.
Speaker 3 (39:48):
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:50):
Well, and you know, if he can reconcile sinful
people to himself, he canreconcile even the messiest of
marriages.
We just need to trust him anddo it his way.
The struggle that we have istoo often we want to do things
our own way.
That just doesn't work out verywell, right?
Speaker 1 (40:07):
Well, we want to help him Right.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
Because again, we're going to fix it.
Speaker 1 (40:12):
That's right, we're going to fix it.
Right.
It's like no, no, no it's.
Instead of trying to think thatyou're going to fix it, how
about we get out of his way?
Right, yeah, how about we?
Just look, just do the nextright thing.
Just focus on becoming the bestversion who he, he wants us to
be, and make that a hundredpercent.
Focus, zero percent on whatshe's doing, what she's thinking
(40:32):
, what she's feeling, what otherpeople are telling her that's
on her side of the street.
You let that go.
You work on yourself.
Watch what God can do with that.
Speaker 2 (40:43):
And that's a good word.
We want to encourage all of you.
If any of this resonated withyou, check out Randy's website.
Check out his book Again.
You can get it for less than acup of coffee.
It's going to benefit you.
It's going to bless you.
Randy, thank you so much forsharing everything that you
shared today with our listeners.
Thank you Appreciate it.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
(41:04):
This is the Vision DrivenMarriage and we continue to pray
that God will solidify yourmarriage.
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