April 5, 2024 • 44 mins
Discover the sacred blend of divine guidance and practical wisdom as marriage coaches Colette and Bryce Schaffer join us to unravel the secrets of a successful marriage. They shed light on the sobering reality of marriages breaking at an alarming rate and how to counteract this trend with a robust Biblical foundation. The Schaffers bring nearly thirty years of relationship expertise to the table, offering couples the tools to reinforce their bonds and navigate the modern challenges of matrimony with faith and purpose.
Our heartfelt exchange with the Schaffers takes us deeper into the heart of a Christ-centered union, where personal spiritual growth and divine affirmation lay the groundwork for a fulfilling partnership.
Wrapping up the episode, we broach the significance of ongoing self and relational reflection—an essential compass for steering marriages toward continuous growth and harmony. Vision casting emerges as a beacon for couples, illuminating the path to setting and achieving shared goals, and the role of mentorship becomes clear as a cornerstone for constructing resilient matrimonial bonds. The Schaffers introduce their Marriage Builders initiative, extending a helping hand to all who seek to strengthen their marital journey within the embrace of faith.
The FREE Marriage Enrichment Workshop (Live on April 7th at 6:30 pm Mountain time) Replays will be available afterward. https://www.schafferministries.com/workshop-sales-page
The Marriage Builders Course: https://www.schafferministries.com/aimee-blue-sp-2-4-2
The Marriage Builders Course + Coaching: Book a FREE Call at: https://www.schafferministries.com/workshop-sales-page-1
Website: Schafferministries.com
Find Doug and Leslie at:
Email Doug & Leslie at: leslie@heartcallministries.org
Facebook: Doug & Leslie Davis
IG: @thevisiondrivenmarriage
Instagram (@thevisiondrivenmarriage)
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Audio source: Epidemic Sound
Find out more about Doug and Leslie:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
(00:28):
strengthen your marriage.
Welcome to the Vision DrivenMarriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis,and today we're joined by a
couple who is just starting amarriage ministry that I know
will be a blessing to many ofyou.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Today we're joined by Colette and Bryce Schaefer, and
together they host the BringingHope Home podcast, and they can
be found atschaeferministriescom.
And I understand, bryce andColette, that you guys are
starting a coaching ministryreally soon.
Tell us really quick about yourmarriage ministry and your
(01:04):
coaching and then we'll justdive right into our conversation
.
Speaker 4 (01:08):
Sure Well you know, we pastored together for many,
many years and marriage,teaching, marriage has always
been, you know, on the forefrontin our church and so we've had
the podcast just on Bible studyand things like that.
But this summer it just seemedlike God kept bringing up
(01:31):
marriage and people kept askingus do you do marriage and would
you consider doing speaking onmarriage?
And so after about the third orfourth one, we kind of got the
hint and you know, maybe we needto pivot and go this direction
and it just, you know, and it'sa God thing, it just kind of
settles.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
And so we started running with it and yeah, and
you know the marriage is underattack.
It always has been, because itis God's core and center for
this, for everything that we docomes from family, and so I
think another person on thefront lines like yourself, and
putting us there, not only in alocal church, but trying to be
(02:15):
out there for the rest ofhumanity as well, is something
that's really great and neededto really establish a community,
community of faith, because youknow, it says, if the Lord
doesn't build the house, theylabor in vain, and so we really
want to get out there and helpmore than just those that walk
(02:35):
in our doors at the church,because there's a lot of people
out there that can use a littleencouragement from Jesus, for
sure and I think it is so needed, I, I, it is just so needed.
We see it all the time yep, yeah, and they, they say you know
marriages on average only lastabout eight, nine years.
(02:56):
Oh so, and that was a Forbes.
You know research a little bitand so you think, oh, it just
hurts your heart as pastors tohear these things over and over
again.
So if we can try to be a littlepiece in the puzzle for
somebody to keep that going andto figure things out, you know
(03:19):
is pretty special for all of usto do.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
And I know Leslie and I feel the same way about the
opportunity God's given us withthe vision-driven marriage and
with the Solidify your Marriageretreats, and we're grateful
that, as imperfect as we are,that God continues to teach us
and continues to point towardthe truth in His Word, that we
might be able to point otherstoward Him and toward His truth.
(03:45):
And so tell our listeners alittle bit how long have you
guys been married and what doyou see this ministry, this new
marriage ministry, becoming?
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Right?
Well, we've been married foralmost 29 years now and it just,
it was a blink of an eye andit's.
You know, it's like we juststarted, right?
You know, it really does.
It goes by faster than youthink, yeah.
And so we, and then we've beenin ministry all this time as
well, and and so the the conceptof all this came out of all the
(04:15):
marriage enrichment that we'vedone over the years, countless
weddings and helping people, andI always like to say it's not
marriage counseling, I saymarriage enrichment, especially
for the new couples that arecoming together, but seeing, can
we help them create an avenuefor a more successful life
(04:39):
together?
Because you know the enemylikes to throw darts at you and
is pretty tricky at trying tonavigate in around things.
So that's where we've kind ofdecided to really jump off and
pivot in that direction.
As pastors, as you know, you'retrying to have the whole word
of God for people as well, andmarriage is the whole person.
(05:02):
So it kind of goes hand in hand.
I think a little bit for sure.
Speaker 4 (05:07):
We just have seen the lack of foundational truths
that couples have.
They come together, it mighthave been, they just thought
each other were good looking orwhatever, and it started on a
physical, but they didn have the, the foundation for a good
marriage and to build a marriage, um, and so that's really our
(05:31):
heart is to help them get theblueprint, god's blueprint, for
what marriage is supposed tolook like, a godly marriage, um,
and then their ideas and theirlifestyle and marry those two
together, god's plan, their plan, and let's, let's build that
(05:52):
foundation and build a strong, astrong marriage yeah, you can't
.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
You can't run with a vision without the vision.
And that's true houses, toomany marriages, don't have a
vision.
Or you know something to beforethem to say that's what I want,
or that's, oh, that's what Ineed, right?
No, they don't know that.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
So and that's exactly true and I mean, we can totally
concur.
In fact, that's why thispodcast is called the
vision-driven marriage, becausewe we see that all the time and
I think that we're going to seethat more and more as this
generation comes up not, youknow, our kids generation and
younger, because our kids arenow late 20s, early 30s.
(06:35):
Oh dear, our kids are eight,late 20s right.
It's like whoa, but you knowthat generation and younger
they're not raised in church.
You know it's it's the firstgeneration that can say is
mostly on church and of coursethey're not going to have the
(06:57):
foundation if they don't haveGod's word in their life and
applying God's word in theirlife.
And so, yes, I totallyunderstand your heart on that,
because it just it breaks ourheart to see them struggling in
places where they don't reallyhave to struggle, because God
(07:19):
has a plan for that.
You know God can can assistthrough that and can heal those
places that hurt and and all thethings right and all the things
.
Speaker 4 (07:28):
All right, yeah so many things would be settled if
they just had their rightfoundation.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Right and it is about that foundation.
You're absolutely right.
And and the thing that amazesme, and I don't know if you all
have seen this, but there'sthings that used to be taught
generationally and we didn'teven realize they were taught
generationally.
We really didn't, and some ofthose things don't get taught as
much, and I think that we havean opportunity, really an
(07:55):
opportunity to be able to pointpeople toward having a
foundation that's rooted inChrist, because a lot of people
just don't know what that lookslike anymore.
The place that I kind of laughthat I noticed all of this since
I teach at the high school.
I've noticed that in the lastsix or seven years we have kids
who, for the first time ever,don't know that people named
(08:18):
Robert are called Bob.
They don't know that peoplenamed William are called Bill.
They're like why didn't youjust name him Bill?
You know, we all just alwaysknew that and it wasn't.
We can't remember a specifictime that somebody taught that
to us.
It was just something that wasmodeled and demonstrated, and I
think with marriage, what we seeis that it used to be that
(08:38):
things were modeled anddemonstrated, and maybe that's
another place where we've lostout on a little bit of a
foundational standing, so let'sjust jump right into it.
How can couples today live in away that's different from the
way the world lives?
What kind of foundation canthey really have that we should
(08:59):
be pointing them toward?
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Yeah, well, you know I think I always like to go to
scripture and you know, matthew7 talks about building the house
upon the route.
That's what rocked and that'swhy we do marriage builders,
because you have to have thatfirm foundation and so a young
couple coming together.
You know, you hear it all thetime or you get those probing
(09:23):
questions of what makes amarriage work, and when they're
just getting started late teens,early 20s, whatever it may be
and I always like to say are yougoing to church together?
Have you found a home together?
Because that is a goodfoundation and I'm not seeing
the world do that.
They come together in amishmash of ways and then they
(09:47):
just decide that they can jumpinto a marriage and it's all
going to work out organically,but if they don't have a church
home.
So we want to encourage peopleit doesn't even have to be a
church home.
Yes, find, because churches arelike people, they have different
flavors and different purposesand in callings, and go find
(10:09):
what works for both of you andgo together.
And I really stress that.
And some, you know, take thatto heart and some don't, and the
ones that don't, you know, dokind of fall by the wayside a
little bit, and so that's kindof strange to say go find a home
church because that'll solve alot of things.
It'll help you with yourrelationship issues, it'll help
(10:32):
you with your financial issues.
When you're all on the samepage with God in church and
God's able to talk to you weekly, together and separately.
Boy things can be ironed outwhere you know you might have
needed a counselor before orotherwise, and so that's to me
kind of huge.
(10:52):
It might not seem like that'smuch but you know, over the
years I've seen that really payoff for lots of couples.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Well, I think that is huge, because we know that a
married couple recognizes thatthey want to be intimate.
But I think you're right A lotof times it starts with physical
intimacy.
They understand that they'reattracted to one another, but
God's made us yes, we are to bephysically intimate with our
spouse, but also to beemotionally intimate.
There's a lot of strugglesthere, but even more importantly
than those two, god wants us tobe spiritually intimate.
(11:20):
There's a lot of strugglesthere, but even more importantly
than those two, god wants us tobe spiritually intimate, and so
that's a good word.
You know, find that place whereGod wants to plug you in, where
you can grow, is something thatI know will help couples.
And so we know that marriage isunder attack.
We see it all the time Divorcerates are higher than they've
(11:42):
been in my lifetime.
We see that marriage isundermined in social media.
It's undermined in movies andin music.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Commercials everywhere.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Why do you think Satan wants to destroy marriage
in the family?
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Well, you know, I think, because it's the root of
God's love.
You know, really, if the devildoesn't, he can't get to God.
He'll get to the next bestthing that he loves, and that's
his people that he made in hisimage.
And so if he can destroy oneperson in a family, it's a
(12:20):
ripple effect to dysfunction inother families that are going to
be created eventually, you know.
So the devil is trying to workovertime in families and try to
create single-parent homes, tryto create instability, where you
know God can help with allthose things and bring peace and
(12:45):
bring stability into a home Ifagain the parents want to
contend for it.
You know it says in Titus tocontend for your faith, and I
think that really has to happenin today's day Especially in
today's they were.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
Everything is so.
I mean you can have yourschedules just jam-packed with
all kinds of things and you knowthey have little kid
tournaments and all of that onSundays, and I mean everything,
all every hour is filled up.
Well, if you don't make thatdecision to put God first and
(13:22):
have that, you know, solidifythat.
No, this is God's time we'renot going to fill it with other
things and to have that as yourcornerstone, you know if you
don't have that you're justgoing to go along with the waves
and pretty soon you're, youknow, drifted off and you don't
realize.
oh wow, I've drifted pretty far.
(13:43):
So yeah, so important.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
Or not just drifted but ended up flying over the
rapids and down the waterfallright.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
Yeah, that happens and you see it, and it's sad to
see that happen.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
Yes, yeah see that happen.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
And we know that there's somany places where, where we see
those attacks, we see that, um,anxieties on the rise,
depressions on the rise.
We see that, uh, people have alack of respect for authority
that's on the rise, and all ofthose things can come together
(14:18):
to try to put a wedge betweenspouses.
We know that God's got asolution to remove those things
that want to divide husbands andwives, but coming together as a
spouse is going to have tostart with truly coming together
with Christ.
I know a lot of couplesstruggle with that, so a lot of
our listeners are just startingout.
(14:39):
They're trying to figure thingsout, and we know that we don't
have a monopoly on wisdom, butwe have a God who does.
So what has God taught you all?
What do you think a youngcouple should put in place in
their marriage while they'reyoung so that they can have the
best opportunity for a long andhappy marriage?
Speaker 4 (14:59):
It's a loaded question?
Yeah, it kind of is, isn't it?
Speaker 2 (15:02):
But see, the beauty is.
The beauty is what has Godtaught you.
We'll share what God's taughtus.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Right, I think when we first started dating and such
one of the keys for me anyway,and I've just taken it over to
the rest of my life we tried toteach our kids this is find your
personal identity in Christ.
You know there's so much.
Paul talks about it so often inhis writings to us.
(15:29):
You know about your identity inhim, in whom.
And you know Colette alwayssays too you know we're not here
to just fulfill each other'sneeds.
That's Christ's job.
And if we look at Christ andfind out who we are in him as a
new creature, the rest of itjust kind of molds itself into
(15:50):
the shape that he has for us asa family unit.
And so, again, finding ourplace in him, reading our Bible
every day personally, is key, Ithink.
Speaker 4 (16:01):
That's a point Cause we got married young I was.
I was 18 years old when we gotmarried, almost 19, but I was 18
.
And um people would ask youknow, they thought it was just
you know, infatuation, thisyoung marriage is not going to
last.
You don't know what you're doing, and so I would tell people I'm
not looking for him.
(16:22):
He's not my savior and I'm notlooking to him to meet my needs.
My relationship was with Godfirst, and I I'm very fortunate
we both were raised in Christianhomes um that I had a
relationship.
I knew my father, god's voice,from a very young age, and so I
look to him for my to meet myneeds, I look for him for the
(16:47):
answers, and so then I couldjust come along, you know, and
we could just join together.
Confirmation, Confirmation witheach other you know, and through
all of the things that you gothrough as young couples where
should we live?
You know all the decisions.
We could pray separately andthen we could come together for
(17:09):
confirmation.
And isn't that awesome to beable to do to go separately to
God and to ask and then to cometogether and say, yeah, that's
what I heard too, and so we haveconfirmation to move forward,
and that has been just a hugeblessing and I can't imagine
doing life any other way formarriage Right.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
Right, because then, when you get in the messy middle
, you both can encourage eachother because you know what path
you're on.
You're not in the messy middleby yourself, because God has
called you both to the directionthat you're going and you both
know it.
You know.
I think that's great and Ithink that's an excellent word
of advice for our listeners tounderstand that they have an
(17:56):
individual responsibility fortheir individual relationship
with Christ.
Yeah not separate of theirmarriage, but really as a
priority before theirrelationship with their spouse,
because without that leading andwithout that relationship with
Jesus, their relationship is intheir own strength, and that's
(18:22):
usually not a good thing.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
We hear so many people who are frustrated
because they were looking totheir spouse to provide their
fulfillment.
And all of us are going to fail.
Every one of us are going tolet our spouse down because we
are flawed and we're fleshly,and so it's a good word.
So, with those young couplesright now who are saying, well,
(18:44):
I've been disappointed by myspouse I hear what Colette and
Bryce are sharing.
I hear that.
I just want to encourage them,though, to realize that Jesus
Christ wants to be the one whofulfills you in every way.
He wants to be the one who willfill you, and your identity
will be in him.
(19:04):
You know it's through Christ,right, right.
And then you can see theblessing that a holy God has
given you through your spouse,when you're recognizing that
everything that has completedyou and fulfilled you and made
you whole has come from the verysame God who gave you your
(19:25):
spouse.
And so, you know, one of thethings that Leslie and I learned
as we were making a lot ofmistakes we also were really
young when we got married wasthat we had the opportunity to
seek God's will together.
And you're right, I love howyou pray separately and then you
come together and you talkabout it, but we had the ability
, or had the opportunity, to beable to talk about it in such a
(19:47):
way as to work out the things wedidn't understand by saying I
have no idea.
We're going to have to trustGod through this, and so one of
the other things that I wouldrecommend to a young couple if
they want to have a long andhappy, a long and happy marriage
, is, as you pray and as yourealize that Christ is going to
(20:07):
fulfill you, not your spouse,that your spouse is a blessing
from God but not the one whofulfills you is to seek God's
will together, because, evenwhen you don't understand,
trusting him together issomething that's really a
blessing amen.
Speaker 4 (20:22):
And when you're hearing, you know separately,
like when he was called to theministry.
You know he had been a teacherfor a while and then felt god
call him to the ministry.
Well, god called me to be apastor's wife when I was a
little girl right so it didn'tsurprise you right so it didn't
surprise me, but I never toldhim yeah, until he felt the
(20:44):
calling he goes.
You know, honey, I feel likeI'm called to be a minister, and
then I could say yeah, you are,yeah our family same thing
happened to us too, when Dougcame home.
Speaker 3 (20:57):
Yes, doug came home from a youth event where him and
the he was the youth directorat the time and he came home
from a youth event where him andthe he was the youth director
at the time and he came homefrom a youth event where he had
sat out in the hallway at thehotel making sure that none of
the kids escaped while they wereyou know through the night yes,
right, talking to the leadpastor, and Doug told the lead
(21:19):
pastor at that time, I, Ibelieve I'm called to preach and
he's like, finally, like youknow, everybody else knew you
know.
And so when he came home and hesaid that he was going to going
to submit to the call inministry, I'm like yeah, like I
already knew that, like yeah,Praise the.
Lord.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Praise the Lord.
Because, once again, god calledher first, her first.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
There you go, and we're just we guys are a little
slower to pick up on thesethings, but I love the
confirmation that a couple canbring you know single parents
that have to do this alone.
My heart goes out to them,because almost everything I do
now is let's confirm it together, not only with our heavenly
(22:05):
father, but let's get ittogether in our spirits and then
we know we're on the righttrack.
So when those waves and winddoes come, we can still stand
strong, saying no, we heardcorrectly and heard together,
and I love that one of us isgonna, you know, jump ship on
(22:25):
each other and in too many again.
That's why you find a homechurch together, because then
you're, then you're rowing inthe same direction and there's
too many times I see where onegoes to church and one doesn't,
or they weren't.
You know one found Jesus afterthey got married and you know
(22:45):
there's different graces forthose as well, and I'm sure
you've talked about those onthis podcast.
But you do if you can betogether.
You know it says thatthree-chord strand is not easily
broken in Ecclesiastes, so welove it and it sounds like you
guys are the same way and praisethe Lord.
I wouldn't want life any otherway.
Speaker 4 (23:08):
I think it goes to show you know, with both of us,
it can be done.
There are.
It's not outdated, that's whatGod wants for marriage and
that's the perfect plan right Tohave two of you in relationship
with him coming together, beingable to confirm his plan for
(23:28):
the two of you together.
That's what it's supposed to be, and so to get there.
Speaker 3 (23:34):
Yeah, I love that and it's not outdated.
It is not an outdated concept,something that is just passing
in time or has already passed.
You know it is God's grace, fora solid relationship is our
relationships with him and hisinstruction on how to love our
(23:55):
spouse and do life together.
You know, it just makes iteasier.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Well, and I'm encouraged by everything that
you've shared, not only becausewe're excited to see what God's
going to do through yourministry, but it also gives us
confirmation.
You know that God has a planfor marriage.
He's not only called our heartto that, but yours as well.
But some of our listeners rightnow are thinking well, that's
easy for the.
You know the four of you,you're in ministry.
(24:20):
Of course you can do this.
What would you tell the couplewho?
They're going to churchtogether, but they're struggling
and they're really wanting tosee what is God's plan for my
marriage, but they're strugglinga little bit.
What would you tell them as afirst step to be able to move
toward recognizing that God hasa plan and a purpose for them?
Speaker 1 (24:43):
You know, one of the things I like to have people do
is just re-evaluate.
You know, sit down and, even ifyou have to put pencil to paper
and really look at yourstrengths, your weaknesses you
know pros and cons and but justreally evaluate and re-evaluate
who you are, who the other is,who you pros and cons, but just
really evaluate and reevaluatewho you are, who the other is,
(25:05):
who you are as a couple, whereyou want to go as a couple, I
think, and then you canprioritize one another.
You know, this isn't a race ina marriage to see who gets to go
where first or who's last, butit's where we can go together.
And so when there's a couplethat's sitting there in church
(25:26):
and says we're trying this butit's seeming to not work, a lot
of times you can't.
Again, it doesn't happenorganically, it takes work and
it takes listening to the HolySpirit and what the Bible says.
So get it down, reevaluate,focus together on those things,
have some hard conversations anda lot of times I ask couples if
(25:50):
they've done that and they sayno, we really haven't.
We don't do that yet, you know,because it is, it's
uncomfortable, but that's what Iwould say you know, sit down,
you know, and you don't have tolook like us four, you don't
have to look like the couplesitting next to you, because God
made each couple unique, justlike he made each one of us
(26:11):
unique.
Speaker 4 (26:13):
But we do tell couples, you know, the most
intimate thing that you can dois not in the bedroom, it's in
prayer.
Yes, yes, that is the mostintimate.
If you want to really drawtogether intimately, it's
praying together.
You know, and it feels reallyawkward at first when you try to
pray with your spouse, becauseit is a personal thing and we're
(26:37):
not used to letting anybodyelse into that prayer closet
that we have just with God.
But when we open up and we praytogether, I tell you what that
just solidifies.
I mean, that's just, you becomemore intimate, you know, in
those special, you knowspiritual times with God.
(26:57):
So put down the, you know theuncomfortable, and it does feel
weird, you know.
Okay, are we supposed to pray?
Are we supposed to?
You know, and you can get it,how?
Speaker 1 (27:07):
long do we sit?
Speaker 4 (27:07):
here.
Yeah, I would just say, youknow, just start Simple, but
pray together.
You know, start with your meals.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Yeah, meals are important.
Sit down together at a meal.
Speaker 4 (27:22):
And just talk Linger there.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (27:25):
And talk.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
And I want to encourage all of you who are
listening Don't think that ifpraying together the first time,
second time, third time didn'tgo the way you planned, don't
believe the lie that's beingwhispered in your ear, that that
means you're a failure and youdid it wrong.
Continue to pray, it's suchgood advice.
Thank you for sharing that,colette, but there's not just
one way to do it.
(27:47):
Don't think that it didn't gothe way I wanted, so somehow we
messed it up.
Way to do it.
Don't think that it didn't gothe way I wanted, so somehow we
messed it up.
Continue to pray together.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
It's one of the ways that God wants you to become
more intimate as a couple.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Right, yeah, definitely.
And one of our favorite thingsthat we've learned more and more
is you know and it's a commandto the whole church, but
applying it in your marriage issuch a blessing in Romans 12, 10
, where God tells us that we'resupposed to outdo one another by
showing honor.
Speaker 3 (28:17):
You know, being able to show honor to your spouse is
something that is such anincredible blessing.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
It makes the commands that are specifically for
husbands and wives take on a newflavor, because we understand
better how to love and how torespect and when we outdo one
another in showing honor, and soit's really been a blessing in
our life.
Speaker 4 (28:43):
I'll say this.
One of the things that he'llsay is I am his hobby.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
I am his hobby.
I do you know, and what you?
Speaker 4 (28:52):
do with the hobby, you spend money, you spend time
you think about it.
You want to.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
You know, leave the current activity to go to move
on, to spend time with yourhobby.
Yeah, so make your spouse yourhobby.
I like that, yeah.
Speaker 4 (29:10):
So make your spouse your hobby.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
I like that a lot.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
Yeah, yeah.
When I figured that out it waslike aha.
Speaker 4 (29:18):
Well, he was complaining once that.
I don't have a hobby, you know.
Speaker 1 (29:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
I'm like well, cause I'm your hobby.
Yeah, I guess, if mom was happy, everybody's happy, right?
Speaker 3 (29:30):
That is right.
That is right.
Right, that may be what we needto implement.
You know, moving into the emptynest, um, we've been empty
nesters for about five years, Ithink.
You know, and it's everybody'slike oh, you're empty nesters,
I'm so sorry, I'm like, no, thisis great, yeah that's what we
(29:53):
raise our kids for right, butlooking at it as a hobby, I
think that'll add a whole newlevel to it that's right yeah,
empty nesting life is awesome it.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
It is pretty awesome, yeah, I think no, I you know
just the whole question that youwere asking.
It is again re-evaluate.
Where are you?
Because there are differentseasons and different stages of
life.
And that's the interestingthing in life Once you think you
get one just figured out,you're moving into the next one
(30:28):
it changes.
Speaker 4 (30:29):
Yeah, it changes, and your vision changes for each
stage that you're moving intothe next one.
Yeah, it changes, and so yourvision changes for each stage
that you're in.
You know, when you have littlekids and you see a lot of
couples that get to the emptynesting and they are looking at
each other like crickets, whatare we going to do?
Yeah, because they never setthat vision of what it was going
to look like when it was afterthe two of them.
(30:49):
You know what they're going tolook like when, in each vision,
the two of them.
You know what they're going tolook like when in each vision.
So I'd say, always cast thatvision for the next chapter.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
That's a good word.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
Yeah, that's a good word, and those fundamentals
that you put in place whenyou're young are the things that
are going to allow you to tobuild on that foundation.
I'm so grateful we talked aboutyour foundation being in Jesus.
Those fundamentals are thethings that you build on so that
, once you get into that nextphase in life, you don't have to
be the one who looks around andsays what do we do now?
Speaker 1 (31:23):
Going to the fundamentals kind of concept
those that are professional atsomething are really really good
at the sport or profession thatthey're in.
Really, it really boils down tothey're just very, very good at
the fundamentals right.
It always goes back to that.
So what you say you know, dougis is certainly right, on par
(31:45):
for all of us.
So I just want to validate thatbecause I love it so.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
I just want to validate that because I love it.
Doug had mentioned that gettingto that, getting to another
phase of life and being like,well, what are we going to do
now?
You know I've had couples thatare in my office, in the
counseling office.
It's not just what are we goingto do now, it's who are you?
You know we're so disconnected,you, you know they're so
(32:13):
disconnected that they don'teven know who their spouse is.
At that point you know whattheir values are, because they
have lived a life so long indisconnected emotionally
disconnected, you know, maybephysically disconnected uh, just
not connected and they don'teven know each other.
You know that's a hard place tobe.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Right, and they had different growth rates and
different growth ideas, andthat's where you got to go back
to that foundation Always goback to church, always go back
to who you are, christ and thenalways cast the vision together
all constantly.
So communication is key in amarriage.
Yeah, you know, if you're nottalking, you're probably not
(32:55):
succeeding the way you want to.
Speaker 3 (32:57):
That's true.
Let's talk about casting avision.
You know, I I my ears perk upevery time I hear somebody talk
about a vision.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (33:06):
You know, doug, yes, and it and having a vision is
very important to us.
But Doug and I I was listeningto a podcast the other day and
he's a leadership guru,basically, you know, and a goal
setting that's his, you know hisbig thing, but he was talking
about the difference between ahow and a wow in a person, a how
(33:31):
and a wow Well person.
A how and a wow well, I'm thewow person, you know.
I can come up with an idea andI can talk about it forever and
all I want Doug to say is wow,honey, that's a good idea.
But generally he jumps into well, how are we going to accomplish
that?
This is what we're going toneed to do and we're going to
have to consider this.
So we're going to have to thinkabout that.
(33:52):
And then I'm like, oh, oh, no,wait, that's just no very
overwhelming.
You know that kind of thing,but when I hear somebody start
talking about vision casting ina relationship, I am always
interested to know their take onit.
So when you talk about visioncasting and maybe this is an
exercise that you do with yourcouples in your marriage
(34:14):
ministry or in your premaritalcounseling or marriage
counseling what are some of thethings that you do with that
couple?
How do you walk them through?
How to vision cast together.
This is really putting you onthe spot.
Speaker 4 (34:28):
That's all right.
We do have a whole lesson inour marriage builders course
about casting the vision,getting writing down your
blueprint and it really boilsdown to like what Bryce said is
talking about everything and wehave a worksheet for them that
(34:48):
they can, you know, go througheach area and we have a
worksheet for them that they can, you know, go through each area
.
But for us, you know everystage of our marriage.
We would look to the next stage.
You know, I remember when ourkids were little and we were
just going into the ministry,people would say, oh, you know
you have kids.
You know what they say about PKs.
(35:08):
You know pastor's kids.
They're going to be rebelliousand they're going to be.
And we said no, we cast thevision for our.
Our kids are going to serve God, they're going to love God,
we're going to enjoy ourteenagers, they're going to be
awesome.
Years we started casting thatvision for what it was going to
be when they were teenagers, wasgoing to be when they were
(35:29):
teenagers, and it was.
We enjoyed our teenagersimmensely.
They're all three serving God.
One's a worship pastor, one'sour children's and youth pastors
and the other one and hisfiance.
They're just graduating fromcollege to be youth and
children's pastors.
Speaker 3 (35:46):
Wonderful.
Speaker 4 (35:47):
So, but we cast that vision and that was.
And then we not just cast thevision, but we put action to it.
We're in church, we're inministry, as a family we're
doing this, and so we've donethat.
That's just an example of thatarea, but we've done that in
(36:08):
everyone.
Our kids then were teenagers.
We started casting the vision.
Where do we want to go?
In missions, what do we want todo when, you know, the next,
the next stage of our lives,where do we vision casting is
all just about dreaming, and Godgave us a memory.
Speaker 1 (36:27):
He also gave us, you know that, that blank slate in
our head that gets filled upwith worry and doubt and
disbelief and the negativity andthat's just the devil's way of
trying to overload your system.
And when we do that then we allkind of crash.
But we got to let God wipe thatclean and let him start taking
(36:52):
the pen and then you startdreaming with him.
And some of those usually lookI shouldn't say some, a lot of
them look a little bit biggerthan we can all do ourselves.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:05):
But God says you know that's where faith comes in,
because I want you to beconnected to me.
Speaker 3 (37:10):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (37:10):
And it's going to be bigger than you because it's
with me in it.
Speaker 3 (37:14):
And what is it?
Ephesians 3.20, I think it saysthat he can do immensely more
than we can ever imagine, andthat is one of my favorite Bible
verses.
Speaker 1 (37:24):
And so you just let him wipe that slate clean and
don't come up with the excusesin a vision.
Don't come up with reasons whynot, and I'm good at that.
I'm good at doubt and disbeliefand being real you know.
But there's a time for that andthere's a time just to cast your
vision and you do it togetherand be excited about each other,
(37:47):
about together, about ourchildren, about our ministries
because even if you're not aminister, you have a ministry
out there and get excited forwhat God's assignment is for you
today and for a long haul.
And when you start doing thatand just saying, god, what's my
(38:07):
assignment?
You know long-term, short-term.
You know goals.
You know make them tangible andmake them small enough that you
don't get discouraged.
You know that's important.
I was a special educationteacher and one of the things
you have to do is write downgoals and objectives.
And you know, at first you tryto make it while they're gonna
(38:31):
be able to read, well, that'sambiguous and uh, you know.
And so they, you break it down.
You know you, they're gonna dothese types of words to read
this year, you know.
And then you're gonna doobjectives so it can be
manageable and it can beobtainable.
And that's what a vision youdefinitely can cast it, like he
(38:53):
God did with Abraham, which saidsee the stars in the sand,
where that that seems prettymuch out of our box.
You know, and I think that's.
That's great.
But then he also reels it backin for us and um and helps us
walk that day in, day outvisions as well, and we just got
(39:13):
to keep an ear to him, eyes tosee and ears to hear.
You know what God's sayingtoday, because that's where
faith is and we just walk thatout.
Speaker 4 (39:23):
You know I want to add to his mom came from a very
dysfunctional family and so shehad a vision of what she thought
that marriage and family shouldbe.
She got it probably from TV,kind of the 50s, you know, model
or whatever, but she workedhard to create that in her
(39:45):
family.
She didn't have the example,but she had that vision, you
know.
She saw a successful family orwhatever and she used that as an
example and copied it, and so Iwould encourage couples if
you've never had that example,you don't know what a healthy
marriage looks like.
Speaker 1 (40:06):
Um, you know, go find a couple that can mentor.
Speaker 4 (40:11):
You go, take them out , you know, and asking questions
yeah, start a friendship withthem and ask lots of questions
don't get discouraged whereyou're at right, you know that's
another thing.
Speaker 1 (40:23):
I wish we were like them, or wish you know, don't
play that game.
That's a slippery slope todiscouragement.
Um, and we, I've done that,especially when we were early
twenties and just gettingstarted.
You know a new couple.
We got married at the same time, had kids at the same time.
Well, they're getting a new carand we're not even close.
So now, what are we doing wrong?
(40:44):
It's not about I've learned,don't?
It's not about what we're doingwrong.
It's about what we're doingright, right and just sticking
with God's plan.
But then, learning and growing,and what can I learn?
How did you do that?
Right, don't get discouraged.
But that vision is always beingreshaped and we got to put it
into a form.
Right, you know, if you thinkof concrete or you think of
(41:09):
water in general, if you're justgoing to pour it out, it just
goes everywhere.
But if you have a form, astructure that it's going to fit
in boy, then it can mold intosomething.
Yes, we have that foundation,and, and what I like to do then,
and what our marriage builderscourse is all about, is letting
(41:30):
God form your form.
You know, and then, as you pourin your vision and as he
downloads into you and thingsstart to unfold.
It's there to capture it foryou and not get away and be the
right way you know, be thatright form that you need to have
a life built on on him.
Speaker 2 (41:51):
So I like that a lot and you know I've been teaching
high school for 31 years now.
My very first year when I wasteaching, we had a four month
old daughter.
When I got hired.
Oh my and so I had parentteacher conferences just to
encourage our listeners thatthey just heard some really good
advice.
I had parent teacherconferences and I invited a
(42:13):
couple who had the two best kidsin the building.
Their sons were amazing andthey never got invited to parent
teacher conferences.
You invite the kids who arestruggling.
Their kids didn't have anyacademic struggles, they didn't
have any social struggles, theywere just great kids.
And so the parents showed up.
(42:37):
It was a blessing for me.
What they didn't expect was Icomplimented them on how
wonderful their kids were,explained to them that I had a
four-month-old daughter and Ijust asked them questions for my
entire time with them.
So what are you doing that'shelping your sons be such good
people.
And basically that's the adviceyou just gave our listeners.
You know you don't have to havesomebody who says let me come
mentor you.
You can recognize that there'ssome couples that you may not be
(42:59):
able to do what they're doing,but you can find out what is
working and you can find outwhat those, those forms are in
their life so that, as God poursinto your life, you can see the
amazing plan that he has foryou.
That's really, really, reallyhelpful?
Yeah for sure.
So today we've had the privilegeto find out about not only your
(43:23):
ministry with Marriage Builderscoming up, but also the
opportunity that people willhave to be able to contact you.
We're going to put informationin the show notes.
So, if you're listening, checkout the show notes so you can
find out where Bryce andColette's ministry is and where
you can find out a little bitabout Marriage Builders, because
we want you to be able to plugin and connect if this is
(43:44):
something that God's leading youtoward Right.
Amen.
We appreciate that.
We want to thank you for beingwith us today.
This is the Vision DrivenMarriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis andwe continue to pray that God
will solidify your marriage.
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
(00:28):
strengthen your marriage.
Welcome to the Vision DrivenMarriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis,and today we're joined by a
couple who is just starting amarriage ministry that I know
will be a blessing to many ofyou.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Today we're joined by Colette and Bryce Schaefer, and
together they host the BringingHope Home podcast, and they can
be found atschaeferministriescom.
And I understand, bryce andColette, that you guys are
starting a coaching ministryreally soon.
Tell us really quick about yourmarriage ministry and your
(01:04):
coaching and then we'll justdive right into our conversation
.
Speaker 4 (01:08):
Sure Well you know, we pastored together for many,
many years and marriage,teaching, marriage has always
been, you know, on the forefrontin our church and so we've had
the podcast just on Bible studyand things like that.
But this summer it just seemedlike God kept bringing up
(01:31):
marriage and people kept askingus do you do marriage and would
you consider doing speaking onmarriage?
And so after about the third orfourth one, we kind of got the
hint and you know, maybe we needto pivot and go this direction
and it just, you know, and it'sa God thing, it just kind of
settles.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
And so we started running with it and yeah, and
you know the marriage is underattack.
It always has been, because itis God's core and center for
this, for everything that we docomes from family, and so I
think another person on thefront lines like yourself, and
putting us there, not only in alocal church, but trying to be
(02:15):
out there for the rest ofhumanity as well, is something
that's really great and neededto really establish a community,
community of faith, because youknow, it says, if the Lord
doesn't build the house, theylabor in vain, and so we really
want to get out there and helpmore than just those that walk
(02:35):
in our doors at the church,because there's a lot of people
out there that can use a littleencouragement from Jesus, for
sure and I think it is so needed, I, I, it is just so needed.
We see it all the time yep, yeah, and they, they say you know
marriages on average only lastabout eight, nine years.
(02:56):
Oh so, and that was a Forbes.
You know research a little bitand so you think, oh, it just
hurts your heart as pastors tohear these things over and over
again.
So if we can try to be a littlepiece in the puzzle for
somebody to keep that going andto figure things out, you know
(03:19):
is pretty special for all of usto do.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
And I know Leslie and I feel the same way about the
opportunity God's given us withthe vision-driven marriage and
with the Solidify your Marriageretreats, and we're grateful
that, as imperfect as we are,that God continues to teach us
and continues to point towardthe truth in His Word, that we
might be able to point otherstoward Him and toward His truth.
(03:45):
And so tell our listeners alittle bit how long have you
guys been married and what doyou see this ministry, this new
marriage ministry, becoming?
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Right?
Well, we've been married foralmost 29 years now and it just,
it was a blink of an eye andit's.
You know, it's like we juststarted, right?
You know, it really does.
It goes by faster than youthink, yeah.
And so we, and then we've beenin ministry all this time as
well, and and so the the conceptof all this came out of all the
(04:15):
marriage enrichment that we'vedone over the years, countless
weddings and helping people, andI always like to say it's not
marriage counseling, I saymarriage enrichment, especially
for the new couples that arecoming together, but seeing, can
we help them create an avenuefor a more successful life
(04:39):
together?
Because you know the enemylikes to throw darts at you and
is pretty tricky at trying tonavigate in around things.
So that's where we've kind ofdecided to really jump off and
pivot in that direction.
As pastors, as you know, you'retrying to have the whole word
of God for people as well, andmarriage is the whole person.
(05:02):
So it kind of goes hand in hand.
I think a little bit for sure.
Speaker 4 (05:07):
We just have seen the lack of foundational truths
that couples have.
They come together, it mighthave been, they just thought
each other were good looking orwhatever, and it started on a
physical, but they didn have the, the foundation for a good
marriage and to build a marriage, um, and so that's really our
(05:31):
heart is to help them get theblueprint, god's blueprint, for
what marriage is supposed tolook like, a godly marriage, um,
and then their ideas and theirlifestyle and marry those two
together, god's plan, their plan, and let's, let's build that
(05:52):
foundation and build a strong, astrong marriage yeah, you can't
.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
You can't run with a vision without the vision.
And that's true houses, toomany marriages, don't have a
vision.
Or you know something to beforethem to say that's what I want,
or that's, oh, that's what Ineed, right?
No, they don't know that.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
So and that's exactly true and I mean, we can totally
concur.
In fact, that's why thispodcast is called the
vision-driven marriage, becausewe we see that all the time and
I think that we're going to seethat more and more as this
generation comes up not, youknow, our kids generation and
younger, because our kids arenow late 20s, early 30s.
(06:35):
Oh dear, our kids are eight,late 20s right.
It's like whoa, but you knowthat generation and younger
they're not raised in church.
You know it's it's the firstgeneration that can say is
mostly on church and of coursethey're not going to have the
(06:57):
foundation if they don't haveGod's word in their life and
applying God's word in theirlife.
And so, yes, I totallyunderstand your heart on that,
because it just it breaks ourheart to see them struggling in
places where they don't reallyhave to struggle, because God
(07:19):
has a plan for that.
You know God can can assistthrough that and can heal those
places that hurt and and all thethings right and all the things
.
Speaker 4 (07:28):
All right, yeah so many things would be settled if
they just had their rightfoundation.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Right and it is about that foundation.
You're absolutely right.
And and the thing that amazesme, and I don't know if you all
have seen this, but there'sthings that used to be taught
generationally and we didn'teven realize they were taught
generationally.
We really didn't, and some ofthose things don't get taught as
much, and I think that we havean opportunity, really an
(07:55):
opportunity to be able to pointpeople toward having a
foundation that's rooted inChrist, because a lot of people
just don't know what that lookslike anymore.
The place that I kind of laughthat I noticed all of this since
I teach at the high school.
I've noticed that in the lastsix or seven years we have kids
who, for the first time ever,don't know that people named
(08:18):
Robert are called Bob.
They don't know that peoplenamed William are called Bill.
They're like why didn't youjust name him Bill?
You know, we all just alwaysknew that and it wasn't.
We can't remember a specifictime that somebody taught that
to us.
It was just something that wasmodeled and demonstrated, and I
think with marriage, what we seeis that it used to be that
(08:38):
things were modeled anddemonstrated, and maybe that's
another place where we've lostout on a little bit of a
foundational standing, so let'sjust jump right into it.
How can couples today live in away that's different from the
way the world lives?
What kind of foundation canthey really have that we should
(08:59):
be pointing them toward?
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Yeah, well, you know I think I always like to go to
scripture and you know, matthew7 talks about building the house
upon the route.
That's what rocked and that'swhy we do marriage builders,
because you have to have thatfirm foundation and so a young
couple coming together.
You know, you hear it all thetime or you get those probing
(09:23):
questions of what makes amarriage work, and when they're
just getting started late teens,early 20s, whatever it may be
and I always like to say are yougoing to church together?
Have you found a home together?
Because that is a goodfoundation and I'm not seeing
the world do that.
They come together in amishmash of ways and then they
(09:47):
just decide that they can jumpinto a marriage and it's all
going to work out organically,but if they don't have a church
home.
So we want to encourage peopleit doesn't even have to be a
church home.
Yes, find, because churches arelike people, they have different
flavors and different purposesand in callings, and go find
(10:09):
what works for both of you andgo together.
And I really stress that.
And some, you know, take thatto heart and some don't, and the
ones that don't, you know, dokind of fall by the wayside a
little bit, and so that's kindof strange to say go find a home
church because that'll solve alot of things.
It'll help you with yourrelationship issues, it'll help
(10:32):
you with your financial issues.
When you're all on the samepage with God in church and
God's able to talk to you weekly, together and separately.
Boy things can be ironed outwhere you know you might have
needed a counselor before orotherwise, and so that's to me
kind of huge.
(10:52):
It might not seem like that'smuch but you know, over the
years I've seen that really payoff for lots of couples.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Well, I think that is huge, because we know that a
married couple recognizes thatthey want to be intimate.
But I think you're right A lotof times it starts with physical
intimacy.
They understand that they'reattracted to one another, but
God's made us yes, we are to bephysically intimate with our
spouse, but also to beemotionally intimate.
There's a lot of strugglesthere, but even more importantly
than those two, god wants us tobe spiritually intimate.
(11:20):
There's a lot of strugglesthere, but even more importantly
than those two, god wants us tobe spiritually intimate, and so
that's a good word.
You know, find that place whereGod wants to plug you in, where
you can grow, is something thatI know will help couples.
And so we know that marriage isunder attack.
We see it all the time Divorcerates are higher than they've
(11:42):
been in my lifetime.
We see that marriage isundermined in social media.
It's undermined in movies andin music.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Commercials everywhere.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Why do you think Satan wants to destroy marriage
in the family?
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Well, you know, I think, because it's the root of
God's love.
You know, really, if the devildoesn't, he can't get to God.
He'll get to the next bestthing that he loves, and that's
his people that he made in hisimage.
And so if he can destroy oneperson in a family, it's a
(12:20):
ripple effect to dysfunction inother families that are going to
be created eventually, you know.
So the devil is trying to workovertime in families and try to
create single-parent homes, tryto create instability, where you
know God can help with allthose things and bring peace and
(12:45):
bring stability into a home Ifagain the parents want to
contend for it.
You know it says in Titus tocontend for your faith, and I
think that really has to happenin today's day Especially in
today's they were.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
Everything is so.
I mean you can have yourschedules just jam-packed with
all kinds of things and you knowthey have little kid
tournaments and all of that onSundays, and I mean everything,
all every hour is filled up.
Well, if you don't make thatdecision to put God first and
(13:22):
have that, you know, solidifythat.
No, this is God's time we'renot going to fill it with other
things and to have that as yourcornerstone, you know if you
don't have that you're justgoing to go along with the waves
and pretty soon you're, youknow, drifted off and you don't
realize.
oh wow, I've drifted pretty far.
(13:43):
So yeah, so important.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
Or not just drifted but ended up flying over the
rapids and down the waterfallright.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
Yeah, that happens and you see it, and it's sad to
see that happen.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
Yes, yeah see that happen.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
And we know that there's somany places where, where we see
those attacks, we see that, um,anxieties on the rise,
depressions on the rise.
We see that, uh, people have alack of respect for authority
that's on the rise, and all ofthose things can come together
(14:18):
to try to put a wedge betweenspouses.
We know that God's got asolution to remove those things
that want to divide husbands andwives, but coming together as a
spouse is going to have tostart with truly coming together
with Christ.
I know a lot of couplesstruggle with that, so a lot of
our listeners are just startingout.
(14:39):
They're trying to figure thingsout, and we know that we don't
have a monopoly on wisdom, butwe have a God who does.
So what has God taught you all?
What do you think a youngcouple should put in place in
their marriage while they'reyoung so that they can have the
best opportunity for a long andhappy marriage?
Speaker 4 (14:59):
It's a loaded question?
Yeah, it kind of is, isn't it?
Speaker 2 (15:02):
But see, the beauty is.
The beauty is what has Godtaught you.
We'll share what God's taughtus.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Right, I think when we first started dating and such
one of the keys for me anyway,and I've just taken it over to
the rest of my life we tried toteach our kids this is find your
personal identity in Christ.
You know there's so much.
Paul talks about it so often inhis writings to us.
(15:29):
You know about your identity inhim, in whom.
And you know Colette alwayssays too you know we're not here
to just fulfill each other'sneeds.
That's Christ's job.
And if we look at Christ andfind out who we are in him as a
new creature, the rest of itjust kind of molds itself into
(15:50):
the shape that he has for us asa family unit.
And so, again, finding ourplace in him, reading our Bible
every day personally, is key, Ithink.
Speaker 4 (16:01):
That's a point Cause we got married young I was.
I was 18 years old when we gotmarried, almost 19, but I was 18
.
And um people would ask youknow, they thought it was just
you know, infatuation, thisyoung marriage is not going to
last.
You don't know what you're doing, and so I would tell people I'm
not looking for him.
(16:22):
He's not my savior and I'm notlooking to him to meet my needs.
My relationship was with Godfirst, and I I'm very fortunate
we both were raised in Christianhomes um that I had a
relationship.
I knew my father, god's voice,from a very young age, and so I
look to him for my to meet myneeds, I look for him for the
(16:47):
answers, and so then I couldjust come along, you know, and
we could just join together.
Confirmation, Confirmation witheach other you know, and through
all of the things that you gothrough as young couples where
should we live?
You know all the decisions.
We could pray separately andthen we could come together for
(17:09):
confirmation.
And isn't that awesome to beable to do to go separately to
God and to ask and then to cometogether and say, yeah, that's
what I heard too, and so we haveconfirmation to move forward,
and that has been just a hugeblessing and I can't imagine
doing life any other way formarriage Right.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
Right, because then, when you get in the messy middle
, you both can encourage eachother because you know what path
you're on.
You're not in the messy middleby yourself, because God has
called you both to the directionthat you're going and you both
know it.
You know.
I think that's great and Ithink that's an excellent word
of advice for our listeners tounderstand that they have an
(17:56):
individual responsibility fortheir individual relationship
with Christ.
Yeah not separate of theirmarriage, but really as a
priority before theirrelationship with their spouse,
because without that leading andwithout that relationship with
Jesus, their relationship is intheir own strength, and that's
(18:22):
usually not a good thing.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
We hear so many people who are frustrated
because they were looking totheir spouse to provide their
fulfillment.
And all of us are going to fail.
Every one of us are going tolet our spouse down because we
are flawed and we're fleshly,and so it's a good word.
So, with those young couplesright now who are saying, well,
(18:44):
I've been disappointed by myspouse I hear what Colette and
Bryce are sharing.
I hear that.
I just want to encourage them,though, to realize that Jesus
Christ wants to be the one whofulfills you in every way.
He wants to be the one who willfill you, and your identity
will be in him.
(19:04):
You know it's through Christ,right, right.
And then you can see theblessing that a holy God has
given you through your spouse,when you're recognizing that
everything that has completedyou and fulfilled you and made
you whole has come from the verysame God who gave you your
(19:25):
spouse.
And so, you know, one of thethings that Leslie and I learned
as we were making a lot ofmistakes we also were really
young when we got married wasthat we had the opportunity to
seek God's will together.
And you're right, I love howyou pray separately and then you
come together and you talkabout it, but we had the ability
, or had the opportunity, to beable to talk about it in such a
(19:47):
way as to work out the things wedidn't understand by saying I
have no idea.
We're going to have to trustGod through this, and so one of
the other things that I wouldrecommend to a young couple if
they want to have a long andhappy, a long and happy marriage
, is, as you pray and as yourealize that Christ is going to
(20:07):
fulfill you, not your spouse,that your spouse is a blessing
from God but not the one whofulfills you is to seek God's
will together, because, evenwhen you don't understand,
trusting him together issomething that's really a
blessing amen.
Speaker 4 (20:22):
And when you're hearing, you know separately,
like when he was called to theministry.
You know he had been a teacherfor a while and then felt god
call him to the ministry.
Well, god called me to be apastor's wife when I was a
little girl right so it didn'tsurprise you right so it didn't
surprise me, but I never toldhim yeah, until he felt the
(20:44):
calling he goes.
You know, honey, I feel likeI'm called to be a minister, and
then I could say yeah, you are,yeah our family same thing
happened to us too, when Dougcame home.
Speaker 3 (20:57):
Yes, doug came home from a youth event where him and
the he was the youth directorat the time and he came home
from a youth event where him andthe he was the youth director
at the time and he came homefrom a youth event where he had
sat out in the hallway at thehotel making sure that none of
the kids escaped while they wereyou know through the night yes,
right, talking to the leadpastor, and Doug told the lead
(21:19):
pastor at that time, I, Ibelieve I'm called to preach and
he's like, finally, like youknow, everybody else knew you
know.
And so when he came home and hesaid that he was going to going
to submit to the call inministry, I'm like yeah, like I
already knew that, like yeah,Praise the.
Lord.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Praise the Lord.
Because, once again, god calledher first, her first.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
There you go, and we're just we guys are a little
slower to pick up on thesethings, but I love the
confirmation that a couple canbring you know single parents
that have to do this alone.
My heart goes out to them,because almost everything I do
now is let's confirm it together, not only with our heavenly
(22:05):
father, but let's get ittogether in our spirits and then
we know we're on the righttrack.
So when those waves and winddoes come, we can still stand
strong, saying no, we heardcorrectly and heard together,
and I love that one of us isgonna, you know, jump ship on
(22:25):
each other and in too many again.
That's why you find a homechurch together, because then
you're, then you're rowing inthe same direction and there's
too many times I see where onegoes to church and one doesn't,
or they weren't.
You know one found Jesus afterthey got married and you know
(22:45):
there's different graces forthose as well, and I'm sure
you've talked about those onthis podcast.
But you do if you can betogether.
You know it says thatthree-chord strand is not easily
broken in Ecclesiastes, so welove it and it sounds like you
guys are the same way and praisethe Lord.
I wouldn't want life any otherway.
Speaker 4 (23:08):
I think it goes to show you know, with both of us,
it can be done.
There are.
It's not outdated, that's whatGod wants for marriage and
that's the perfect plan right Tohave two of you in relationship
with him coming together, beingable to confirm his plan for
(23:28):
the two of you together.
That's what it's supposed to be, and so to get there.
Speaker 3 (23:34):
Yeah, I love that and it's not outdated.
It is not an outdated concept,something that is just passing
in time or has already passed.
You know it is God's grace, fora solid relationship is our
relationships with him and hisinstruction on how to love our
(23:55):
spouse and do life together.
You know, it just makes iteasier.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Well, and I'm encouraged by everything that
you've shared, not only becausewe're excited to see what God's
going to do through yourministry, but it also gives us
confirmation.
You know that God has a planfor marriage.
He's not only called our heartto that, but yours as well.
But some of our listeners rightnow are thinking well, that's
easy for the.
You know the four of you,you're in ministry.
(24:20):
Of course you can do this.
What would you tell the couplewho?
They're going to churchtogether, but they're struggling
and they're really wanting tosee what is God's plan for my
marriage, but they're strugglinga little bit.
What would you tell them as afirst step to be able to move
toward recognizing that God hasa plan and a purpose for them?
Speaker 1 (24:43):
You know, one of the things I like to have people do
is just re-evaluate.
You know, sit down and, even ifyou have to put pencil to paper
and really look at yourstrengths, your weaknesses you
know pros and cons and but justreally evaluate and re-evaluate
who you are, who the other is,who you pros and cons, but just
really evaluate and reevaluatewho you are, who the other is,
(25:05):
who you are as a couple, whereyou want to go as a couple, I
think, and then you canprioritize one another.
You know, this isn't a race ina marriage to see who gets to go
where first or who's last, butit's where we can go together.
And so when there's a couplethat's sitting there in church
(25:26):
and says we're trying this butit's seeming to not work, a lot
of times you can't.
Again, it doesn't happenorganically, it takes work and
it takes listening to the HolySpirit and what the Bible says.
So get it down, reevaluate,focus together on those things,
have some hard conversations anda lot of times I ask couples if
(25:50):
they've done that and they sayno, we really haven't.
We don't do that yet, you know,because it is, it's
uncomfortable, but that's what Iwould say you know, sit down,
you know, and you don't have tolook like us four, you don't
have to look like the couplesitting next to you, because God
made each couple unique, justlike he made each one of us
(26:11):
unique.
Speaker 4 (26:13):
But we do tell couples, you know, the most
intimate thing that you can dois not in the bedroom, it's in
prayer.
Yes, yes, that is the mostintimate.
If you want to really drawtogether intimately, it's
praying together.
You know, and it feels reallyawkward at first when you try to
pray with your spouse, becauseit is a personal thing and we're
(26:37):
not used to letting anybodyelse into that prayer closet
that we have just with God.
But when we open up and we praytogether, I tell you what that
just solidifies.
I mean, that's just, you becomemore intimate, you know, in
those special, you knowspiritual times with God.
(26:57):
So put down the, you know theuncomfortable, and it does feel
weird, you know.
Okay, are we supposed to pray?
Are we supposed to?
You know, and you can get it,how?
Speaker 1 (27:07):
long do we sit?
Speaker 4 (27:07):
here.
Yeah, I would just say, youknow, just start Simple, but
pray together.
You know, start with your meals.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Yeah, meals are important.
Sit down together at a meal.
Speaker 4 (27:22):
And just talk Linger there.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (27:25):
And talk.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
And I want to encourage all of you who are
listening Don't think that ifpraying together the first time,
second time, third time didn'tgo the way you planned, don't
believe the lie that's beingwhispered in your ear, that that
means you're a failure and youdid it wrong.
Continue to pray, it's suchgood advice.
Thank you for sharing that,colette, but there's not just
one way to do it.
(27:47):
Don't think that it didn't gothe way I wanted, so somehow we
messed it up.
Way to do it.
Don't think that it didn't gothe way I wanted, so somehow we
messed it up.
Continue to pray together.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
It's one of the ways that God wants you to become
more intimate as a couple.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Right, yeah, definitely.
And one of our favorite thingsthat we've learned more and more
is you know and it's a commandto the whole church, but
applying it in your marriage issuch a blessing in Romans 12, 10
, where God tells us that we'resupposed to outdo one another by
showing honor.
Speaker 3 (28:17):
You know, being able to show honor to your spouse is
something that is such anincredible blessing.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
It makes the commands that are specifically for
husbands and wives take on a newflavor, because we understand
better how to love and how torespect and when we outdo one
another in showing honor, and soit's really been a blessing in
our life.
Speaker 4 (28:43):
I'll say this.
One of the things that he'llsay is I am his hobby.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
I am his hobby.
I do you know, and what you?
Speaker 4 (28:52):
do with the hobby, you spend money, you spend time
you think about it.
You want to.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
You know, leave the current activity to go to move
on, to spend time with yourhobby.
Yeah, so make your spouse yourhobby.
I like that, yeah.
Speaker 4 (29:10):
So make your spouse your hobby.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
I like that a lot.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
Yeah, yeah.
When I figured that out it waslike aha.
Speaker 4 (29:18):
Well, he was complaining once that.
I don't have a hobby, you know.
Speaker 1 (29:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
I'm like well, cause I'm your hobby.
Yeah, I guess, if mom was happy, everybody's happy, right?
Speaker 3 (29:30):
That is right.
That is right.
Right, that may be what we needto implement.
You know, moving into the emptynest, um, we've been empty
nesters for about five years, Ithink.
You know, and it's everybody'slike oh, you're empty nesters,
I'm so sorry, I'm like, no, thisis great, yeah that's what we
(29:53):
raise our kids for right, butlooking at it as a hobby, I
think that'll add a whole newlevel to it that's right yeah,
empty nesting life is awesome it.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
It is pretty awesome, yeah, I think no, I you know
just the whole question that youwere asking.
It is again re-evaluate.
Where are you?
Because there are differentseasons and different stages of
life.
And that's the interestingthing in life Once you think you
get one just figured out,you're moving into the next one
(30:28):
it changes.
Speaker 4 (30:29):
Yeah, it changes, and your vision changes for each
stage that you're moving intothe next one.
Yeah, it changes, and so yourvision changes for each stage
that you're in.
You know, when you have littlekids and you see a lot of
couples that get to the emptynesting and they are looking at
each other like crickets, whatare we going to do?
Yeah, because they never setthat vision of what it was going
to look like when it was afterthe two of them.
(30:49):
You know what they're going tolook like when, in each vision,
the two of them.
You know what they're going tolook like when in each vision.
So I'd say, always cast thatvision for the next chapter.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
That's a good word.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
Yeah, that's a good word, and those fundamentals
that you put in place whenyou're young are the things that
are going to allow you to tobuild on that foundation.
I'm so grateful we talked aboutyour foundation being in Jesus.
Those fundamentals are thethings that you build on so that
, once you get into that nextphase in life, you don't have to
be the one who looks around andsays what do we do now?
Speaker 1 (31:23):
Going to the fundamentals kind of concept
those that are professional atsomething are really really good
at the sport or profession thatthey're in.
Really, it really boils down tothey're just very, very good at
the fundamentals right.
It always goes back to that.
So what you say you know, dougis is certainly right, on par
(31:45):
for all of us.
So I just want to validate thatbecause I love it so.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
I just want to validate that because I love it.
Doug had mentioned that gettingto that, getting to another
phase of life and being like,well, what are we going to do
now?
You know I've had couples thatare in my office, in the
counseling office.
It's not just what are we goingto do now, it's who are you?
You know we're so disconnected,you, you know they're so
(32:13):
disconnected that they don'teven know who their spouse is.
At that point you know whattheir values are, because they
have lived a life so long indisconnected emotionally
disconnected, you know, maybephysically disconnected uh, just
not connected and they don'teven know each other.
You know that's a hard place tobe.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Right, and they had different growth rates and
different growth ideas, andthat's where you got to go back
to that foundation Always goback to church, always go back
to who you are, christ and thenalways cast the vision together
all constantly.
So communication is key in amarriage.
Yeah, you know, if you're nottalking, you're probably not
(32:55):
succeeding the way you want to.
Speaker 3 (32:57):
That's true.
Let's talk about casting avision.
You know, I I my ears perk upevery time I hear somebody talk
about a vision.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (33:06):
You know, doug, yes, and it and having a vision is
very important to us.
But Doug and I I was listeningto a podcast the other day and
he's a leadership guru,basically, you know, and a goal
setting that's his, you know hisbig thing, but he was talking
about the difference between ahow and a wow in a person, a how
(33:31):
and a wow Well person.
A how and a wow well, I'm thewow person, you know.
I can come up with an idea andI can talk about it forever and
all I want Doug to say is wow,honey, that's a good idea.
But generally he jumps into well, how are we going to accomplish
that?
This is what we're going toneed to do and we're going to
have to consider this.
So we're going to have to thinkabout that.
(33:52):
And then I'm like, oh, oh, no,wait, that's just no very
overwhelming.
You know that kind of thing,but when I hear somebody start
talking about vision casting ina relationship, I am always
interested to know their take onit.
So when you talk about visioncasting and maybe this is an
exercise that you do with yourcouples in your marriage
(34:14):
ministry or in your premaritalcounseling or marriage
counseling what are some of thethings that you do with that
couple?
How do you walk them through?
How to vision cast together.
This is really putting you onthe spot.
Speaker 4 (34:28):
That's all right.
We do have a whole lesson inour marriage builders course
about casting the vision,getting writing down your
blueprint and it really boilsdown to like what Bryce said is
talking about everything and wehave a worksheet for them that
(34:48):
they can, you know, go througheach area and we have a
worksheet for them that they can, you know, go through each area
.
But for us, you know everystage of our marriage.
We would look to the next stage.
You know, I remember when ourkids were little and we were
just going into the ministry,people would say, oh, you know
you have kids.
You know what they say about PKs.
(35:08):
You know pastor's kids.
They're going to be rebelliousand they're going to be.
And we said no, we cast thevision for our.
Our kids are going to serve God, they're going to love God,
we're going to enjoy ourteenagers, they're going to be
awesome.
Years we started casting thatvision for what it was going to
be when they were teenagers, wasgoing to be when they were
(35:29):
teenagers, and it was.
We enjoyed our teenagersimmensely.
They're all three serving God.
One's a worship pastor, one'sour children's and youth pastors
and the other one and hisfiance.
They're just graduating fromcollege to be youth and
children's pastors.
Speaker 3 (35:46):
Wonderful.
Speaker 4 (35:47):
So, but we cast that vision and that was.
And then we not just cast thevision, but we put action to it.
We're in church, we're inministry, as a family we're
doing this, and so we've donethat.
That's just an example of thatarea, but we've done that in
(36:08):
everyone.
Our kids then were teenagers.
We started casting the vision.
Where do we want to go?
In missions, what do we want todo when, you know, the next,
the next stage of our lives,where do we vision casting is
all just about dreaming, and Godgave us a memory.
Speaker 1 (36:27):
He also gave us, you know that, that blank slate in
our head that gets filled upwith worry and doubt and
disbelief and the negativity andthat's just the devil's way of
trying to overload your system.
And when we do that then we allkind of crash.
But we got to let God wipe thatclean and let him start taking
(36:52):
the pen and then you startdreaming with him.
And some of those usually lookI shouldn't say some, a lot of
them look a little bit biggerthan we can all do ourselves.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:05):
But God says you know that's where faith comes in,
because I want you to beconnected to me.
Speaker 3 (37:10):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (37:10):
And it's going to be bigger than you because it's
with me in it.
Speaker 3 (37:14):
And what is it?
Ephesians 3.20, I think it saysthat he can do immensely more
than we can ever imagine, andthat is one of my favorite Bible
verses.
Speaker 1 (37:24):
And so you just let him wipe that slate clean and
don't come up with the excusesin a vision.
Don't come up with reasons whynot, and I'm good at that.
I'm good at doubt and disbeliefand being real you know.
But there's a time for that andthere's a time just to cast your
vision and you do it togetherand be excited about each other,
(37:47):
about together, about ourchildren, about our ministries
because even if you're not aminister, you have a ministry
out there and get excited forwhat God's assignment is for you
today and for a long haul.
And when you start doing thatand just saying, god, what's my
(38:07):
assignment?
You know long-term, short-term.
You know goals.
You know make them tangible andmake them small enough that you
don't get discouraged.
You know that's important.
I was a special educationteacher and one of the things
you have to do is write downgoals and objectives.
And you know, at first you tryto make it while they're gonna
(38:31):
be able to read, well, that'sambiguous and uh, you know.
And so they, you break it down.
You know you, they're gonna dothese types of words to read
this year, you know.
And then you're gonna doobjectives so it can be
manageable and it can beobtainable.
And that's what a vision youdefinitely can cast it, like he
(38:53):
God did with Abraham, which saidsee the stars in the sand,
where that that seems prettymuch out of our box.
You know, and I think that's.
That's great.
But then he also reels it backin for us and um and helps us
walk that day in, day outvisions as well, and we just got
(39:13):
to keep an ear to him, eyes tosee and ears to hear.
You know what God's sayingtoday, because that's where
faith is and we just walk thatout.
Speaker 4 (39:23):
You know I want to add to his mom came from a very
dysfunctional family and so shehad a vision of what she thought
that marriage and family shouldbe.
She got it probably from TV,kind of the 50s, you know, model
or whatever, but she workedhard to create that in her
(39:45):
family.
She didn't have the example,but she had that vision, you
know.
She saw a successful family orwhatever and she used that as an
example and copied it, and so Iwould encourage couples if
you've never had that example,you don't know what a healthy
marriage looks like.
Speaker 1 (40:06):
Um, you know, go find a couple that can mentor.
Speaker 4 (40:11):
You go, take them out , you know, and asking questions
yeah, start a friendship withthem and ask lots of questions
don't get discouraged whereyou're at right, you know that's
another thing.
Speaker 1 (40:23):
I wish we were like them, or wish you know, don't
play that game.
That's a slippery slope todiscouragement.
Um, and we, I've done that,especially when we were early
twenties and just gettingstarted.
You know a new couple.
We got married at the same time, had kids at the same time.
Well, they're getting a new carand we're not even close.
So now, what are we doing wrong?
(40:44):
It's not about I've learned,don't?
It's not about what we're doingwrong.
It's about what we're doingright, right and just sticking
with God's plan.
But then, learning and growing,and what can I learn?
How did you do that?
Right, don't get discouraged.
But that vision is always beingreshaped and we got to put it
into a form.
Right, you know, if you thinkof concrete or you think of
(41:09):
water in general, if you're justgoing to pour it out, it just
goes everywhere.
But if you have a form, astructure that it's going to fit
in boy, then it can mold intosomething.
Yes, we have that foundation,and, and what I like to do then,
and what our marriage builderscourse is all about, is letting
(41:30):
God form your form.
You know, and then, as you pourin your vision and as he
downloads into you and thingsstart to unfold.
It's there to capture it foryou and not get away and be the
right way you know, be thatright form that you need to have
a life built on on him.
Speaker 2 (41:51):
So I like that a lot and you know I've been teaching
high school for 31 years now.
My very first year when I wasteaching, we had a four month
old daughter.
When I got hired.
Oh my and so I had parentteacher conferences just to
encourage our listeners thatthey just heard some really good
advice.
I had parent teacherconferences and I invited a
(42:13):
couple who had the two best kidsin the building.
Their sons were amazing andthey never got invited to parent
teacher conferences.
You invite the kids who arestruggling.
Their kids didn't have anyacademic struggles, they didn't
have any social struggles, theywere just great kids.
And so the parents showed up.
(42:37):
It was a blessing for me.
What they didn't expect was Icomplimented them on how
wonderful their kids were,explained to them that I had a
four-month-old daughter and Ijust asked them questions for my
entire time with them.
So what are you doing that'shelping your sons be such good
people.
And basically that's the adviceyou just gave our listeners.
You know you don't have to havesomebody who says let me come
mentor you.
You can recognize that there'ssome couples that you may not be
(42:59):
able to do what they're doing,but you can find out what is
working and you can find outwhat those, those forms are in
their life so that, as God poursinto your life, you can see the
amazing plan that he has foryou.
That's really, really, reallyhelpful?
Yeah for sure.
So today we've had the privilegeto find out about not only your
(43:23):
ministry with Marriage Builderscoming up, but also the
opportunity that people willhave to be able to contact you.
We're going to put informationin the show notes.
So, if you're listening, checkout the show notes so you can
find out where Bryce andColette's ministry is and where
you can find out a little bitabout Marriage Builders, because
we want you to be able to plugin and connect if this is
(43:44):
something that God's leading youtoward Right.
Amen.
We appreciate that.
We want to thank you for beingwith us today.
This is the Vision DrivenMarriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis andwe continue to pray that God
will solidify your marriage.
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