April 26, 2024 • 25 mins
Have you ever felt like you're speaking a different language than your partner, even when you're both speaking English? Join us, Doug and Leslie Davis, as we unpack the top three things that keeps couples from playing the long game. In our heartfelt dialogue, we discuss the art of active listening and echo back techniques that forge a path to clarity and closeness. We confront the thorny issue of criticism head-on, revealing how to transform potential roadblocks into opportunities for growth, and share strategies for couples to keep their relationship front and center, even in the face of life's distractions.
The shadow of contempt and the weight of hopelessness can darken even the sunniest of relationships. In this discussion, we shine a light on these hidden adversaries, exploring how a cycle of criticism and defensiveness can lead to a fortress of bitterness that shuts out love and connection. We expose the traps of guardedness and stonewalling that couples may fall into and guide you through the process of breaking free from these patterns. By addressing the root causes of contempt, we aim to help listeners rediscover the warmth of mutual respect and affection that may have been lost along the way.
Finally, we navigate the intricate web of intimacy and communication within the sacred space of marriage. We tackle the silent saboteurs of unvoiced expectations and differentiate between productive reminders and the pitfalls of nagging, offering a husband's perspective on these delicate dynamics. As we weave through the different threads of intimacy—physical, emotional, and spiritual—we reveal how they intertwine to strengthen the bond between partners. For those who see themselves in these shared struggles, we open the door to further discussion and support, inviting you to journey with us towards a vision-driven, deeply fulfilling marriage.
Let's connect
Email Doug & Leslie at: leslie@heartcallministries.org
Facebook: Doug & Leslie Davis
Grab freebies and subscribe to the HeartCall newsletter at: Sign Up
Looking for something not listed? It’s probably here:
Doug & Leslie Davis | Instagram, Facebook | Linktree
Doug and Leslie Mention:
The Gottman Four Horsemen
INTRO/OUTRO MUSIC CREDITS
Theme music: Dead Winter
ASLC-1BEF9A9E-9E9D609662
Artists: White Bones
Composers: White Bones
Audio source: Epidemic Sound
Find out more about Doug and Leslie:
- Free Resources
- Social Media Links
- Current episodes of The Vision Driven Marriage
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
(00:28):
strengthen your marriage.
Welcome to the Vision DrivenMarriage Podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis,and today, as we continue to
look at how to play the longgame as a couple, we're going to
be looking at the top threethings that keep couples from
being able to play the long game.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Yeah, so pay attention, because if you see
any of these three thingshappening in your relationship,
it's definitely time to takenotice, because you still have
time to make some changes, right?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
And these aren't the only three things that could
make you feel like bailing outearly, but they're three of the
most common things that causepeople to think you know, I'm
not sure if I can be in this forthe long haul.
Good news is, you can be, solet's go and take a look at some
of the things that can keep youfrom feeling like you can do
this for the long haul.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
No surprise.
The first one is communicationbreakdowns, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
And we see this a lot .
I know that there's people whocome to talk to me.
There's people who come to talkto me, there's people who come
to talk to Leslie, andcommunication is an issue.
Now, just like with most of theother things that we deal with
as a couple, you have to realizethat you need to focus on your
own communication and thecommunications more than just
talking.
I've met so many couples whoare really really good at
(01:42):
talking at each other, butthey're not communicating
because there's no listeninggoing on.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Active listening is a really good skill to work on
implementing in yourrelationship, and what I mean by
active listening is when youcan reflect back what your
spouse is saying to you andembody what you're hearing.
Then your spouse has anopportunity to correct it.
No, that's not what I meant tosay.
Here's what I mean, so that youcan be on the same page.
So active listing is very, very, a very, very good, important
(02:17):
skill to have in yourrelationship.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Right and communication can break down in
so for so many different reasons.
It could be that you're youknow, you're just not listening,
you're not taking differentreasons.
It could be that you're justnot listening, you're not taking
the time.
It could be that you're notspeaking clearly because you're
concerned that somehow, if youspeak the whole truth too much,
that it won't be received.
Let me just warn you that ifthere's something you need to
say, say it.
(02:39):
It's always going to be betterto work through what's true than
to tiptoe around the truth,because then there's a lack of
understanding for a reallydifficult reason.
But what we're going to belooking at today are some of the
things that can causecommunication breakdown that, if
not checked, if not wrangled in, can really be cataclysmic in
(03:02):
your relationship can really becataclysmic in your relationship
.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
And I think one of the things to set into motion
first is a commitment that therelationship is going to be a
priority, so that when you seethese four things, we're going
to go over four things of waysthat communication can break
down.
But when you see these thingsand you go, oh, that felt bad,
but my relationship is apriority, so I'm going to press
into it and make sure that itgets worked through.
(03:28):
The first one is criticism.
We always hear and feelcriticism.
I mean it and I don't meanalways, always, but what I mean
by that is every relationshipexperiences criticism at one
point or another.
I know, in our relationship Iwas, you know, coming out of my
(03:49):
childhood.
We were, I was 19 when we met,so I was still a child, Just a
baby, and I was bent towardshearing criticism because that
was the atmosphere in which Iwas raised.
And so he would say somethingbenign and I would hear it as a
criticism.
(04:09):
And at that time we didn'treally have good active
listening skills For me toreflect back and say I heard
that as a criticism.
Did you mean it that way?
Or here's what I heard you sayIs that what you meant?
We didn't have that skill inplace.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
But you know, we're very thankful that we developed
that skill, but so there is hopeyou can develop it.
But there's there's twodifferent ways that criticism
can enter in and create aroadblock, not an over, you know
, not a roadblock that can't beovercome.
It can be overcome, but if leftunchecked it can be oh, but,
(04:50):
but if it's left unchecked, it'sbad.
And so there's two differentways.
The first one's what Lesliejust described, where, um, every
relationship will have acomment uh, from time to time,
that either is criticism and itwas difficult to work through,
or it was something that was aninnocent comment that was heard
as criticism.
It was taken as criticism, andso when you have those days, the
majority of your days, you'regonna have things that went
(05:12):
really well.
You're gonna have things thatcould be corrected.
It's good to share those things.
Don't be afraid to be criticalof the areas that need to be
critical, and working throughthose things will be healthy and
good for you.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
I think one of the things there is that in a mature
relationship, what you see isthat humility in asking for that
help and saying, hey, how can Iget better?
At that point it doesn't becomecriticism.
Right, that's how you worktogether.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Well, it's critical.
Yeah, but not criticism, becausewe think about the word
criticism as negative or nagging, and critical is evaluating it,
so we can do it differently,and so maybe, if you
differentiate between the twowords, we want to encourage you
to be critical.
You know this is something thatwe did in a way.
We can do it better, and solet's talk about it.
(06:04):
But if criticism automaticallybrings up negative connotations
for you, then instead look athow can we talk about doing
something better, but the otherway that criticism can come in.
We have natural tendencieswithin us to let the things that
have gone on through our dayaffect our mood, and so, you
know, you may have somethingthat had nothing to do with your
(06:26):
relationship at home happen atwork, but you went through Wait
what who?
does that.
So you go through a series ofevents that have caused you to
start to see the world with alittle bit of a negative tilt.
And you know, because the realtruth is nearly every day
there's something good thathappens to you and there's
(06:48):
something bad that happens toyou, and you know when those
days are balanced out, we cannavigate them pretty well, but
sometimes you have a day whereyou have one good thing and a
thousand bad things happen andyour mood is just negative, is
just negative, and so if youcome home with a critical heart
or a critical spirit, it mighthave nothing to do with what's
(07:08):
going on in your relationship,but it's going to feel to your
spouse like it does.
And so being able to navigatethe fact that, because I'm
having bad experiences over andover and over again in my job or
while I'm going to school orwhatever it is, that's outside
of your sphere of relationship,if you let that taint the way
(07:30):
you see things throughout yourrelationship as well, you can
have a pessimistic attitude, anegative attitude, even though
there's also good things to lookat.
And so don't be afraid of thethings that you get to fix just
because it might seem critical,but at the same time check your
heart and make things that youget to fix just because it might
seem critical.
But at the same time, checkyour heart and make sure that
you're not having a consistentlynegative attitude about things,
(07:51):
because that's where criticismcomes in and causes people to
feel like kind of shutting down.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
I got an exclamation point too, along those same
lines.
When you come into yourrelationship and you're feeling
criticized, right, there's timeswhen you're asking for that
critical, analytical kind ofthinking and being able to
(08:16):
humbly move into those types ofconversations saying, okay, this
is what we can do better, right.
But if that humbleness isn'tthere, or in that humility
you're not the one that startedthat conversation then what it's
going to ensue is a level ofdefensiveness.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
That's the second thing that can lead to a
communication breakdown.
It's pretty easy to getdefensive if you feel like
you're being attacked.
So what exactly does that do?
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Well, defensiveness will shut things down.
We'll shut down thecommunication because, let's say
, your spouse is coming at youwith some criticism not critical
, analytical communication, butsome criticism and you
immediately become defensive.
In those situations At thatpoint it's me against him or him
against me.
You know it's not.
(09:09):
It's not us together againstthe problem.
So that's what defensivenessdoes.
It divides the team and makesthe communication the problem
instead of whatever they'retrying to work on.
You know, whatever you'retrying to work on it's not you
as a cohesive couple against theproblem.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Right, and if you're talking about something that
you're trying to fix togetherand you're discussing what went
wrong, not placing any blame,you can check your own heart and
just ask am I feeling defensivewithout cause?
Because sometimes we do feeldefensive, even though it's not
about what we did.
(09:49):
It's about the circumstance andthe situation and what, as a
couple, we could do differently.
So if that's the case, you cancheck your heart and say I'm
being defensive for no reason.
However, there are times wherethings are made to feel very
personal.
It triggers defensiveness andin that case, I want to ask that
you, as the spouse who'striggering the defensiveness in
(10:10):
your spouse think about am Italking about the situation or
am I trying to assign blame?
Because if I'm assigning blameinstead of looking at how can we
do this differently?
it's going to trigger a lot ofdefensiveness and it can trigger
an absolute shutdown.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Absolutely.
And that absolute shutdownleads to the heart issue of
contempt.
And that's the third thing thatwe want to talk about and if any
of this sounds familiar, youprobably have followed us for
some time we had an episode inthe very beginning so it's
probably about a year ago wherewe talked about Gottman's four
(10:46):
horsemen.
And these are them criticism,defense, contempt which is what
we're getting ready to explainand stonewalling and got.
The gotman institute hasstudied these four things and
the one thing that he'sconcluded like the big thing, is
that when you have these fourhorsemen at play in your
relationship, it is 90 percentuh sure that your relationship
(11:10):
is going to end up in separationor divorce because, these
things are left unchecked arevery dangerous.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Right, and so the good news is, each of them can
be overcome.
But if left unchecked, it'sgoing to be bad for you.
So contempt is one of thosethings where you start to feel
like things are happening sooften you know I'm defending
myself so often, or I'mconstantly facing criticism you
start to look at the one thatyou love so dearly.
(11:37):
You said I want to spend therest of my life with you and you
start saying, oh great, here itcomes again.
You know they're just going tosay bad things about me.
Of course it's my fault.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
And I think it's even deeper than that.
I think there's a bitter rootof unforgiveness there because
of all of the history of thedefensiveness and criticism,
like those two things kind ofwork um together, uh, back and
forth, like this cycle, right?
so there's this level ofunforgiveness that just creates
a bitter root of contempt of the.
(12:10):
The word that comes to mind ishatred, and like contempt left
unchecked is going to ensue tothis type of of hatred, and I
don't have another word for thatand it leads to so many uh
statements that that just aren'ttrue because they're all or
(12:30):
nothing statements.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
You always do this.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Or I never.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
I'm never able to be good enough, and contempt brings
out things that make us feellike something's absolute when
it's not, and it can cause youto feel like there's no hope.
There is hope, but it can causeyou to feel like there's not,
like there's no hope.
There is hope, but it can causeyou to feel like there's not.
And you know, the other thingwith contempt that really really
(13:00):
can negatively affect yourrelationship is when you start
to look at your spouse thinking,okay, today was a good day
because they didn't criticize me, but in your heart you're
expecting them to.
You've pre-loaded your contempt.
It's like when you get one ofthose gift cards and they load
some money onto it.
You've pre-loaded this contemptand you're just expecting it.
It's going to happen and that'sa really, really dangerous way
(13:23):
to live your life Leslie talkedabout.
It's a bitter root type ofjudgment.
Maybe the way for you topicture it is this it's a wound
that's deep and when you don'tfeel like you've had to express
the contempt for a while, itstarts to heal over a little bit
, but when you haven't dealtwith it, it never heals fully.
It's a scab, and the very nexttime something happens where you
(13:45):
rake that scab, it bleeds allover again, and so contempt
becomes dangerous, becausethere's never any real healing.
You can fool yourself intothinking it's been several days
since I've actively felt this,but without dealing with it.
It's still right there at thesurface, and all it takes is a
little scratch and it's back.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
And you mentioned something that kind of leads us
into the fourth one is thatcontempt will lead to
hopelessness, and when youbecome um hopeless, then you um
tend to start stonewalling, likejust totally shutting down,
shutting your spouse out, nottalking about it, not trying
like totally disconnecting, andum, that's a really, that's a
(14:28):
really bad place to be for sure.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
And and you can convince yourself wrongly when
you're stonewalling that well,I'm just making sure that we get
along.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
You know my spouse is yelling at me my spouse is
yelling at me and I'm just okay,I'm, you know, I'm fine.
They deserve that.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Right and and so in the process of stonewalling it
can be active or it can bepassive stonewalling.
If it's passive stonewalling,you're just saying okay, and
you're not really listening,you're just agreeing, because
then the yelling will stop.
That's a really dangerous placeto be, because you're not
actually fixing anything, you'rejust trying to placate, and
when you placate it feeds thecontempt.
(15:07):
So stonewalling doesn't justbring up an end to the argument,
it also feeds and fuels thecontempt.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
That caused it.
Yeah, so those are somebehaviors and some ways that
communication can break down,and that was the first thing in
the top three things that keepcouples from playing the long
game.
The second thing is unmetexpectations, and I'm going to
add unspoken there too.
You probably heard us talkbefore about unmet expectations.
(15:36):
Right, because more often thannot, when there is a
communication breakdown or adifficulty in the relationship,
maybe more often than not, ithas to do with unmet
expectations.
And guys, there's always goingto be unmet expectations, like
(15:58):
that's common, that's kind ofnormal.
But where it moves into theunfair playing field is when
they're unspoken.
You've heard the old adage.
Well, he can't read my mindeven though he's supposed to.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
He can't Right.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
The reason why we have that adage is because
there's unspoken expectations,and it is never fair to have
unspoken expectations for yourspouse.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Right, and we were looking at Gottman's Four
Horsemen and in the process ofall of those things we talked
about, there will be times whereyou have an expectation that
has been communicated and itisn't met as well, and we know
that that can lead to a realbreakdown within your
relationship.
And so one of the questionsthat we've asked ourselves and
(16:47):
talked about lately is what'sthe difference between reminding
and nagging?
Let me go ahead and give you ahusband's perspective here.
Okay, cause if there's anexpectation that has been
properly communicated, we allknow that sometimes stuff gets
in the way.
Sometimes you get so busy withwhat you're doing you really
just forgot.
Sometimes it's not because it'sunimportant, it's because you
(17:08):
were so distracted, your brainwas going a thousand miles an
hour and you missed it.
Those times we all know it'shelpful and it's good to be able
to remind one another of youknow.
Hey, we said we were going todo this.
You know, can we do that now?
And did you notice that?
If it's, hey, this is somethingwe agreed to do, let's do this.
(17:29):
That never feels like nagging.
What it feels like nagging isyou said you were going to do
that and you didn't.
Yeah, well, haven't you donethat by now, and so reminding,
though is hey, do you still havetime to get to that today?
It's not nagging, that's areminder, that's a blessing, but
it's not just thoseexpectations that have been
communicated.
Leslie mentioned the big onethat we see so often, where you
(17:52):
expect something but you neversaid it, but it's important to
you, really important to you,and you didn't say it.
And you expect your spousesomehow to just know Guys.
She doesn't just know Ladies,he doesn't just know Ladies, he
(18:16):
doesn't just know.
And so what we do is we setourselves up for hurt, real hurt
, deep hurt, that then causes usto believe things that are lies
, you know, because then my wifedoesn't do something that I
really wanted her to do, but Inever told her she doesn't do it
.
It was really important to meand I convinced myself, even
though it's never been true.
Well, if she loved me, shewould have done that, so she
(18:37):
must not love me.
We know that's not true.
Do you see the danger of havingsomething that you really want
and not communicating it?
Please, if you have anexpectation, don't let it go
unvoiced.
Share it, even if it's going totake a while before it can be
met.
Share it so that in the futureit can be met.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Or if it's unreasonable.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Or unrealistic or unrealistic Right.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
Then you can talk about it and both be on the same
page about it and findsomething that is realistic.
Find something that isreasonable, that still
accomplishes the goal RightWithout undermining the
relationship Right.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
You know, because there's things that you know.
If Leslie would ask me to docertain things, there's things I
cannot do.
Wait what?
There are things you can't do.
I know Don't you know, whetherit's because we don't have the
resources to do it or, you know,don't have the talent or the
ability to do it.
Those things need to becommunicated too, because
sometimes things are unrealistic.
(19:41):
But what Leslie just said is soimportant you can have the
communication to say I want tobe able to do for you the things
that I can do and still be ableto get that sense of belonging
and purpose and hope and loveand care and concern that the
original expectation would havebrought if it had been fulfilled
.
So talk about it.
So if it's unrealistic, you cango into the real world.
(20:03):
If it's been spoken and notbeen done, you can communicate
in a way that's helpful andreminding, not nagging.
And if something really mattersto you, it's unfair to leave it
unspoken and expect it to getdone.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
I think I have a whole Pinterest list that you
would consider unreasonable.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Yes, and, by the way, whoever invented Pinterest is
just evil.
That's just evil.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Just kidding, no, not no.
We love our Pinterest boards,don't we?
I love it.
Well, the third thing thatkeeps couples from playing the
long game and this won'tsurprise you either it is a lack
of intimacy.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
You might be thinking just physical intimacy, and of
course that's important, butit's not just that, it's
emotional intimacy, and I'mgoing to tell you spiritual
intimacy too.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Friendship, intimacy.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
And there's so many ways that you can build those
big three categories throughfriendship, through recreation.
But when you focus on those bigthree of physical, emotional and
spiritual, then all of thoseother little subcategories fall
into them and feed them.
But if you don't have emotionalintimacy, you're not going to
(21:16):
have the desire to have physicalintimacy, and vice versa.
And as believers, you needspiritual intimacy, not only
between yourself and the Lord,but as a couple, between the two
of you as a couple and the Lord, and it's going to feed the
desire to be intimate in everyarea of your life.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
This is just one of those mysteries of the gospel
that there's no easy way toexplain.
It's just a mystery.
But when you work on your ownspiritual intimacy and your
spouse is working on their ownspiritual intimacy your intimacy
as a couple, your physicalintimacy as a couple, your
emotional intimacy as a coupleand your spiritual intimacy as a
(21:57):
couple it's all going to growand it's one of those things
where you might not even have toreally work on it.
But you work on your ownspiritual intimacy and your
spouse commits to work on theirown spiritual intimacy, and God
is going to honor that and Godis going to bless that in your
marriage.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Now it will grow, but that doesn't mean it will go
from infanthood to adulthood ina day, but it will grow and as
it grows you're going to see theblessings.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
Yeah, celebrate those blessings Right.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
You'll see the blessings of that growth.
And, um, you know, one of thethings that we hear so often,
just because it'sstereotypically so true, is
something that we need to justaddress real quickly.
Um, if you feel like you don'thave enough physical intimacy,
gentlemen, um, ask God to showyou whether you have the proper
emotional intimacy with yourwife.
(22:44):
Ladies, if you feel like youdon't have enough emotional
intimacy with your husband, askyourself if you're having proper
physical intimacy with yourhusband.
Not that they're completelyconnected, but they're connected
in a degree.
They're connected in a way thatGod expects us to be one in
every way and if, while we'restruggling in one area, we
withhold in another area, we'reactually moving further away
(23:09):
from intimacy rather than towardit.
Please don't misunderstand that,gentlemen just because you're
perhaps being more physicallyintimate doesn't mean you don't
need to also increase andimprove your emotional intimacy.
And, ladies, vice versa.
If he's being more emotionallyintimate, it doesn't mean you
don't need to also increase andimprove your emotional intimacy.
(23:29):
And, ladies, vice versa.
If he's being more emotionallyintimate, it doesn't mean you
don't also need to increase yourphysical intimacy.
But what I'm saying is you wantto make steps to move toward
intimacy in every area of yourlife, not away from it and the
caveat there is that we'regeneralizing about a couple that
are both emotionally andphysically healthy.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Right, you know there's some situations that are
going to be, you know, outliersof the norm, and if you're in
one of those situations, I wouldsay give yourself some grace.
Yes, if you need counseling,find a counselor.
If you need a mentor, find amentor, because there's no shame
in having someone come alongbeside us and help us through
(24:05):
some of those times.
As a matter of fact, it's good.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
It's not just something not to be ashamed of.
It's something that's such ablessing when you can have
somebody else walk beside you,and so, again, the patience that
comes through the process andthe mercy that's given, as well
as the grace that's given, issomething that's going to help
you if you're feeling a lack ofintimacy.
Be able to identify your ownheart first where do I need to
(24:29):
be more intimate?
And then working together as acouple, but with all three of
these things that could stand inthe way of playing the long
game the way you should witheach one of them, it's going to
start with your own heart.
Check to see where it is thatyou can do the things that
you're wanting to do a littlebetter than you've been, and
then, start coming together as acouple to figure out how you
(24:51):
can do that together.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
I hope that you've enjoyed this episode.
If you are struggling with anyof these things, or any of these
things kind of hit home for you, we would love to hear from you
.
Catch us on social media.
You can DM us or send us anemail.
We would just love to be ableto connect with you.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
This is the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
Today we've been looking at thetop three things that can keep
couples from playing the longgame in their relationship.
But we are excited about thefact that God overcomes those
things and we continue to praythat God will solidify your
marriage.
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
(00:28):
strengthen your marriage.
Welcome to the Vision DrivenMarriage Podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis,and today, as we continue to
look at how to play the longgame as a couple, we're going to
be looking at the top threethings that keep couples from
being able to play the long game.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Yeah, so pay attention, because if you see
any of these three thingshappening in your relationship,
it's definitely time to takenotice, because you still have
time to make some changes, right?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
And these aren't the only three things that could
make you feel like bailing outearly, but they're three of the
most common things that causepeople to think you know, I'm
not sure if I can be in this forthe long haul.
Good news is, you can be, solet's go and take a look at some
of the things that can keep youfrom feeling like you can do
this for the long haul.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
No surprise.
The first one is communicationbreakdowns, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
And we see this a lot .
I know that there's people whocome to talk to me.
There's people who come to talkto me, there's people who come
to talk to Leslie, andcommunication is an issue.
Now, just like with most of theother things that we deal with
as a couple, you have to realizethat you need to focus on your
own communication and thecommunications more than just
talking.
I've met so many couples whoare really really good at
(01:42):
talking at each other, butthey're not communicating
because there's no listeninggoing on.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Active listening is a really good skill to work on
implementing in yourrelationship, and what I mean by
active listening is when youcan reflect back what your
spouse is saying to you andembody what you're hearing.
Then your spouse has anopportunity to correct it.
No, that's not what I meant tosay.
Here's what I mean, so that youcan be on the same page.
So active listing is very, very, a very, very good, important
(02:17):
skill to have in yourrelationship.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Right and communication can break down in
so for so many different reasons.
It could be that you're youknow, you're just not listening,
you're not taking differentreasons.
It could be that you're justnot listening, you're not taking
the time.
It could be that you're notspeaking clearly because you're
concerned that somehow, if youspeak the whole truth too much,
that it won't be received.
Let me just warn you that ifthere's something you need to
say, say it.
(02:39):
It's always going to be betterto work through what's true than
to tiptoe around the truth,because then there's a lack of
understanding for a reallydifficult reason.
But what we're going to belooking at today are some of the
things that can causecommunication breakdown that, if
not checked, if not wrangled in, can really be cataclysmic in
(03:02):
your relationship can really becataclysmic in your relationship
.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
And I think one of the things to set into motion
first is a commitment that therelationship is going to be a
priority, so that when you seethese four things, we're going
to go over four things of waysthat communication can break
down.
But when you see these thingsand you go, oh, that felt bad,
but my relationship is apriority, so I'm going to press
into it and make sure that itgets worked through.
(03:28):
The first one is criticism.
We always hear and feelcriticism.
I mean it and I don't meanalways, always, but what I mean
by that is every relationshipexperiences criticism at one
point or another.
I know, in our relationship Iwas, you know, coming out of my
(03:49):
childhood.
We were, I was 19 when we met,so I was still a child, Just a
baby, and I was bent towardshearing criticism because that
was the atmosphere in which Iwas raised.
And so he would say somethingbenign and I would hear it as a
criticism.
(04:09):
And at that time we didn'treally have good active
listening skills For me toreflect back and say I heard
that as a criticism.
Did you mean it that way?
Or here's what I heard you sayIs that what you meant?
We didn't have that skill inplace.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
But you know, we're very thankful that we developed
that skill, but so there is hopeyou can develop it.
But there's there's twodifferent ways that criticism
can enter in and create aroadblock, not an over, you know
, not a roadblock that can't beovercome.
It can be overcome, but if leftunchecked it can be oh, but,
(04:50):
but if it's left unchecked, it'sbad.
And so there's two differentways.
The first one's what Lesliejust described, where, um, every
relationship will have acomment uh, from time to time,
that either is criticism and itwas difficult to work through,
or it was something that was aninnocent comment that was heard
as criticism.
It was taken as criticism, andso when you have those days, the
majority of your days, you'regonna have things that went
(05:12):
really well.
You're gonna have things thatcould be corrected.
It's good to share those things.
Don't be afraid to be criticalof the areas that need to be
critical, and working throughthose things will be healthy and
good for you.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
I think one of the things there is that in a mature
relationship, what you see isthat humility in asking for that
help and saying, hey, how can Iget better?
At that point it doesn't becomecriticism.
Right, that's how you worktogether.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Well, it's critical.
Yeah, but not criticism, becausewe think about the word
criticism as negative or nagging, and critical is evaluating it,
so we can do it differently,and so maybe, if you
differentiate between the twowords, we want to encourage you
to be critical.
You know this is something thatwe did in a way.
We can do it better, and solet's talk about it.
(06:04):
But if criticism automaticallybrings up negative connotations
for you, then instead look athow can we talk about doing
something better, but the otherway that criticism can come in.
We have natural tendencieswithin us to let the things that
have gone on through our dayaffect our mood, and so, you
know, you may have somethingthat had nothing to do with your
(06:26):
relationship at home happen atwork, but you went through Wait
what who?
does that.
So you go through a series ofevents that have caused you to
start to see the world with alittle bit of a negative tilt.
And you know, because the realtruth is nearly every day
there's something good thathappens to you and there's
(06:48):
something bad that happens toyou, and you know when those
days are balanced out, we cannavigate them pretty well, but
sometimes you have a day whereyou have one good thing and a
thousand bad things happen andyour mood is just negative, is
just negative, and so if youcome home with a critical heart
or a critical spirit, it mighthave nothing to do with what's
(07:08):
going on in your relationship,but it's going to feel to your
spouse like it does.
And so being able to navigatethe fact that, because I'm
having bad experiences over andover and over again in my job or
while I'm going to school orwhatever it is, that's outside
of your sphere of relationship,if you let that taint the way
(07:30):
you see things throughout yourrelationship as well, you can
have a pessimistic attitude, anegative attitude, even though
there's also good things to lookat.
And so don't be afraid of thethings that you get to fix just
because it might seem critical,but at the same time check your
heart and make things that youget to fix just because it might
seem critical.
But at the same time, checkyour heart and make sure that
you're not having a consistentlynegative attitude about things,
(07:51):
because that's where criticismcomes in and causes people to
feel like kind of shutting down.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
I got an exclamation point too, along those same
lines.
When you come into yourrelationship and you're feeling
criticized, right, there's timeswhen you're asking for that
critical, analytical kind ofthinking and being able to
(08:16):
humbly move into those types ofconversations saying, okay, this
is what we can do better, right.
But if that humbleness isn'tthere, or in that humility
you're not the one that startedthat conversation then what it's
going to ensue is a level ofdefensiveness.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
That's the second thing that can lead to a
communication breakdown.
It's pretty easy to getdefensive if you feel like
you're being attacked.
So what exactly does that do?
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Well, defensiveness will shut things down.
We'll shut down thecommunication because, let's say
, your spouse is coming at youwith some criticism not critical
, analytical communication, butsome criticism and you
immediately become defensive.
In those situations At thatpoint it's me against him or him
against me.
You know it's not.
(09:09):
It's not us together againstthe problem.
So that's what defensivenessdoes.
It divides the team and makesthe communication the problem
instead of whatever they'retrying to work on.
You know, whatever you'retrying to work on it's not you
as a cohesive couple against theproblem.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Right, and if you're talking about something that
you're trying to fix togetherand you're discussing what went
wrong, not placing any blame,you can check your own heart and
just ask am I feeling defensivewithout cause?
Because sometimes we do feeldefensive, even though it's not
about what we did.
(09:49):
It's about the circumstance andthe situation and what, as a
couple, we could do differently.
So if that's the case, you cancheck your heart and say I'm
being defensive for no reason.
However, there are times wherethings are made to feel very
personal.
It triggers defensiveness andin that case, I want to ask that
you, as the spouse who'striggering the defensiveness in
(10:10):
your spouse think about am Italking about the situation or
am I trying to assign blame?
Because if I'm assigning blameinstead of looking at how can we
do this differently?
it's going to trigger a lot ofdefensiveness and it can trigger
an absolute shutdown.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Absolutely.
And that absolute shutdownleads to the heart issue of
contempt.
And that's the third thing thatwe want to talk about and if any
of this sounds familiar, youprobably have followed us for
some time we had an episode inthe very beginning so it's
probably about a year ago wherewe talked about Gottman's four
(10:46):
horsemen.
And these are them criticism,defense, contempt which is what
we're getting ready to explainand stonewalling and got.
The gotman institute hasstudied these four things and
the one thing that he'sconcluded like the big thing, is
that when you have these fourhorsemen at play in your
relationship, it is 90 percentuh sure that your relationship
(11:10):
is going to end up in separationor divorce because, these
things are left unchecked arevery dangerous.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Right, and so the good news is, each of them can
be overcome.
But if left unchecked, it'sgoing to be bad for you.
So contempt is one of thosethings where you start to feel
like things are happening sooften you know I'm defending
myself so often, or I'mconstantly facing criticism you
start to look at the one thatyou love so dearly.
(11:37):
You said I want to spend therest of my life with you and you
start saying, oh great, here itcomes again.
You know they're just going tosay bad things about me.
Of course it's my fault.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
And I think it's even deeper than that.
I think there's a bitter rootof unforgiveness there because
of all of the history of thedefensiveness and criticism,
like those two things kind ofwork um together, uh, back and
forth, like this cycle, right?
so there's this level ofunforgiveness that just creates
a bitter root of contempt of the.
(12:10):
The word that comes to mind ishatred, and like contempt left
unchecked is going to ensue tothis type of of hatred, and I
don't have another word for thatand it leads to so many uh
statements that that just aren'ttrue because they're all or
(12:30):
nothing statements.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
You always do this.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Or I never.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
I'm never able to be good enough, and contempt brings
out things that make us feellike something's absolute when
it's not, and it can cause youto feel like there's no hope.
There is hope, but it can causeyou to feel like there's not,
like there's no hope.
There is hope, but it can causeyou to feel like there's not.
And you know, the other thingwith contempt that really really
(13:00):
can negatively affect yourrelationship is when you start
to look at your spouse thinking,okay, today was a good day
because they didn't criticize me, but in your heart you're
expecting them to.
You've pre-loaded your contempt.
It's like when you get one ofthose gift cards and they load
some money onto it.
You've pre-loaded this contemptand you're just expecting it.
It's going to happen and that'sa really, really dangerous way
(13:23):
to live your life Leslie talkedabout.
It's a bitter root type ofjudgment.
Maybe the way for you topicture it is this it's a wound
that's deep and when you don'tfeel like you've had to express
the contempt for a while, itstarts to heal over a little bit
, but when you haven't dealtwith it, it never heals fully.
It's a scab, and the very nexttime something happens where you
(13:45):
rake that scab, it bleeds allover again, and so contempt
becomes dangerous, becausethere's never any real healing.
You can fool yourself intothinking it's been several days
since I've actively felt this,but without dealing with it.
It's still right there at thesurface, and all it takes is a
little scratch and it's back.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
And you mentioned something that kind of leads us
into the fourth one is thatcontempt will lead to
hopelessness, and when youbecome um hopeless, then you um
tend to start stonewalling, likejust totally shutting down,
shutting your spouse out, nottalking about it, not trying
like totally disconnecting, andum, that's a really, that's a
(14:28):
really bad place to be for sure.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
And and you can convince yourself wrongly when
you're stonewalling that well,I'm just making sure that we get
along.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
You know my spouse is yelling at me my spouse is
yelling at me and I'm just okay,I'm, you know, I'm fine.
They deserve that.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Right and and so in the process of stonewalling it
can be active or it can bepassive stonewalling.
If it's passive stonewalling,you're just saying okay, and
you're not really listening,you're just agreeing, because
then the yelling will stop.
That's a really dangerous placeto be, because you're not
actually fixing anything, you'rejust trying to placate, and
when you placate it feeds thecontempt.
(15:07):
So stonewalling doesn't justbring up an end to the argument,
it also feeds and fuels thecontempt.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
That caused it.
Yeah, so those are somebehaviors and some ways that
communication can break down,and that was the first thing in
the top three things that keepcouples from playing the long
game.
The second thing is unmetexpectations, and I'm going to
add unspoken there too.
You probably heard us talkbefore about unmet expectations.
(15:36):
Right, because more often thannot, when there is a
communication breakdown or adifficulty in the relationship,
maybe more often than not, ithas to do with unmet
expectations.
And guys, there's always goingto be unmet expectations, like
(15:58):
that's common, that's kind ofnormal.
But where it moves into theunfair playing field is when
they're unspoken.
You've heard the old adage.
Well, he can't read my mindeven though he's supposed to.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
He can't Right.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
The reason why we have that adage is because
there's unspoken expectations,and it is never fair to have
unspoken expectations for yourspouse.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Right, and we were looking at Gottman's Four
Horsemen and in the process ofall of those things we talked
about, there will be times whereyou have an expectation that
has been communicated and itisn't met as well, and we know
that that can lead to a realbreakdown within your
relationship.
And so one of the questionsthat we've asked ourselves and
(16:47):
talked about lately is what'sthe difference between reminding
and nagging?
Let me go ahead and give you ahusband's perspective here.
Okay, cause if there's anexpectation that has been
properly communicated, we allknow that sometimes stuff gets
in the way.
Sometimes you get so busy withwhat you're doing you really
just forgot.
Sometimes it's not because it'sunimportant, it's because you
(17:08):
were so distracted, your brainwas going a thousand miles an
hour and you missed it.
Those times we all know it'shelpful and it's good to be able
to remind one another of youknow.
Hey, we said we were going todo this.
You know, can we do that now?
And did you notice that?
If it's, hey, this is somethingwe agreed to do, let's do this.
(17:29):
That never feels like nagging.
What it feels like nagging isyou said you were going to do
that and you didn't.
Yeah, well, haven't you donethat by now, and so reminding,
though is hey, do you still havetime to get to that today?
It's not nagging, that's areminder, that's a blessing, but
it's not just thoseexpectations that have been
communicated.
Leslie mentioned the big onethat we see so often, where you
(17:52):
expect something but you neversaid it, but it's important to
you, really important to you,and you didn't say it.
And you expect your spousesomehow to just know Guys.
She doesn't just know Ladies,he doesn't just know Ladies, he
(18:16):
doesn't just know.
And so what we do is we setourselves up for hurt, real hurt
, deep hurt, that then causes usto believe things that are lies
, you know, because then my wifedoesn't do something that I
really wanted her to do, but Inever told her she doesn't do it
.
It was really important to meand I convinced myself, even
though it's never been true.
Well, if she loved me, shewould have done that, so she
(18:37):
must not love me.
We know that's not true.
Do you see the danger of havingsomething that you really want
and not communicating it?
Please, if you have anexpectation, don't let it go
unvoiced.
Share it, even if it's going totake a while before it can be
met.
Share it so that in the futureit can be met.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Or if it's unreasonable.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Or unrealistic or unrealistic Right.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
Then you can talk about it and both be on the same
page about it and findsomething that is realistic.
Find something that isreasonable, that still
accomplishes the goal RightWithout undermining the
relationship Right.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
You know, because there's things that you know.
If Leslie would ask me to docertain things, there's things I
cannot do.
Wait what?
There are things you can't do.
I know Don't you know, whetherit's because we don't have the
resources to do it or, you know,don't have the talent or the
ability to do it.
Those things need to becommunicated too, because
sometimes things are unrealistic.
(19:41):
But what Leslie just said is soimportant you can have the
communication to say I want tobe able to do for you the things
that I can do and still be ableto get that sense of belonging
and purpose and hope and loveand care and concern that the
original expectation would havebrought if it had been fulfilled
.
So talk about it.
So if it's unrealistic, you cango into the real world.
(20:03):
If it's been spoken and notbeen done, you can communicate
in a way that's helpful andreminding, not nagging.
And if something really mattersto you, it's unfair to leave it
unspoken and expect it to getdone.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
I think I have a whole Pinterest list that you
would consider unreasonable.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Yes, and, by the way, whoever invented Pinterest is
just evil.
That's just evil.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Just kidding, no, not no.
We love our Pinterest boards,don't we?
I love it.
Well, the third thing thatkeeps couples from playing the
long game and this won'tsurprise you either it is a lack
of intimacy.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
You might be thinking just physical intimacy, and of
course that's important, butit's not just that, it's
emotional intimacy, and I'mgoing to tell you spiritual
intimacy too.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Friendship, intimacy.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
And there's so many ways that you can build those
big three categories throughfriendship, through recreation.
But when you focus on those bigthree of physical, emotional and
spiritual, then all of thoseother little subcategories fall
into them and feed them.
But if you don't have emotionalintimacy, you're not going to
(21:16):
have the desire to have physicalintimacy, and vice versa.
And as believers, you needspiritual intimacy, not only
between yourself and the Lord,but as a couple, between the two
of you as a couple and the Lord, and it's going to feed the
desire to be intimate in everyarea of your life.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
This is just one of those mysteries of the gospel
that there's no easy way toexplain.
It's just a mystery.
But when you work on your ownspiritual intimacy and your
spouse is working on their ownspiritual intimacy your intimacy
as a couple, your physicalintimacy as a couple, your
emotional intimacy as a coupleand your spiritual intimacy as a
(21:57):
couple it's all going to growand it's one of those things
where you might not even have toreally work on it.
But you work on your ownspiritual intimacy and your
spouse commits to work on theirown spiritual intimacy, and God
is going to honor that and Godis going to bless that in your
marriage.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Now it will grow, but that doesn't mean it will go
from infanthood to adulthood ina day, but it will grow and as
it grows you're going to see theblessings.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
Yeah, celebrate those blessings Right.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
You'll see the blessings of that growth.
And, um, you know, one of thethings that we hear so often,
just because it'sstereotypically so true, is
something that we need to justaddress real quickly.
Um, if you feel like you don'thave enough physical intimacy,
gentlemen, um, ask God to showyou whether you have the proper
emotional intimacy with yourwife.
(22:44):
Ladies, if you feel like youdon't have enough emotional
intimacy with your husband, askyourself if you're having proper
physical intimacy with yourhusband.
Not that they're completelyconnected, but they're connected
in a degree.
They're connected in a way thatGod expects us to be one in
every way and if, while we'restruggling in one area, we
withhold in another area, we'reactually moving further away
(23:09):
from intimacy rather than towardit.
Please don't misunderstand that,gentlemen just because you're
perhaps being more physicallyintimate doesn't mean you don't
need to also increase andimprove your emotional intimacy.
And, ladies, vice versa.
If he's being more emotionallyintimate, it doesn't mean you
don't need to also increase andimprove your emotional intimacy.
(23:29):
And, ladies, vice versa.
If he's being more emotionallyintimate, it doesn't mean you
don't also need to increase yourphysical intimacy.
But what I'm saying is you wantto make steps to move toward
intimacy in every area of yourlife, not away from it and the
caveat there is that we'regeneralizing about a couple that
are both emotionally andphysically healthy.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Right, you know there's some situations that are
going to be, you know, outliersof the norm, and if you're in
one of those situations, I wouldsay give yourself some grace.
Yes, if you need counseling,find a counselor.
If you need a mentor, find amentor, because there's no shame
in having someone come alongbeside us and help us through
(24:05):
some of those times.
As a matter of fact, it's good.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
It's not just something not to be ashamed of.
It's something that's such ablessing when you can have
somebody else walk beside you,and so, again, the patience that
comes through the process andthe mercy that's given, as well
as the grace that's given, issomething that's going to help
you if you're feeling a lack ofintimacy.
Be able to identify your ownheart first where do I need to
(24:29):
be more intimate?
And then working together as acouple, but with all three of
these things that could stand inthe way of playing the long
game the way you should witheach one of them, it's going to
start with your own heart.
Check to see where it is thatyou can do the things that
you're wanting to do a littlebetter than you've been, and
then, start coming together as acouple to figure out how you
(24:51):
can do that together.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
I hope that you've enjoyed this episode.
If you are struggling with anyof these things, or any of these
things kind of hit home for you, we would love to hear from you
.
Catch us on social media.
You can DM us or send us anemail.
We would just love to be ableto connect with you.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
This is the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
Today we've been looking at thetop three things that can keep
couples from playing the longgame in their relationship.
But we are excited about thefact that God overcomes those
things and we continue to praythat God will solidify your
marriage.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.