April 12, 2024 • 33 mins
Have you ever found yourself at a Christmas celebration, only to realize that what you thought was the perfect gift led to a miscommunication and a need for forgiveness? Leslie and I found ourselves in such a pickle, which became a lesson in grace and understanding—a story we share with you, our cherished listeners. This episode of Vision Driven Marriage is not just a recount of our personal foibles; it's a beacon for all who seek to build stronger, more resilient relationships. If you've ever asked yourself "will my relationship last?" this episode is for you. You will gain insight as we explore the pivotal role of commitment and the power of never entertaining the thought of divorce on the journey to marital longevity.
Creating a marriage that stands the test of time doesn't happen by accident. It's the small acts of compromise, the daily reaffirmations of love, and the consistent effort to see past our spouse's imperfections that weave the fabric of a strong partnership. We delve into the transformative power of forgiveness and the importance of keeping the friendship in your marriage alive. Simple gestures, like a hug or a shared laugh, are the threads that bind our lives together. And, as Leslie and I reflect on our journey, we invite you to recognize these moments in your own marriage and see them as opportunities to reinforce your bond.
We wrap up this heartfelt episode by inviting you, our listeners, to share your own tales and questions about marriage. We know that every couple's story is unique. Whether you're knee-deep in diapers, navigating the teenage years, or adjusting to a quieter house, your experiences enrich the tapestry of our community. We're eager to hear from you through our Instagram at Vision Driven Marriage. Join us in an ongoing conversation about love, life, and the pursuit of a truly Vision Driven Marriage.
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Email Doug & Leslie at: leslie@heartcallministries.org
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help solidify
your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis andwe are excited that you've
joined us here today.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
One of the things that we're talking about today
is longevity, and so, in ourinterview with Bryce and Colette
Schaefer last week, if youhaven't had a chance to listen
to that interview yet, jump backand listen to it, because it
was really a good conversation.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Go check it out.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Yeah, it was really good.
One of the things they talkedabout was the things that can
contribute to having longevityin your marriage.
They were looking at 30, someyears of marriage, right, right
at 30 years of marriage.
I think the key point is goingto be to be intentional with
what you're doing yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
And so when we look at longevity, some of you are
going to have a very differentexperience than others of you.
For some of you, the wholeconcept from the very beginning
is that, well, you know, we'regoing to follow the old
fashioned advice that how didyou stay married?
Well, we just didn't choose toever get divorced.
And others of you are going torealize that you had so many
(01:35):
places where God just pulled youalong when you couldn't quite
move, and so many places whereyou got advice and leading by
the Holy Spirit.
It's a different experience forsome than it is for others.
Sometimes you'll have a seasonthat feels easy and you'll have
another season that feels hard.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
I know when we first got married it it really felt
like we were just.
We were not just not goingthrough the motions, but it was
just.
There wasn't anythingintentional about it, we were
just together.
Right it was just a normal thingto do and, and you know, when
we had an argument, we we dealtwith it the best that we could.
(02:10):
But one of the things I willsay that we agreed upon even
before we got married is thatthe word divorce was not in our
vocabulary, like it was notgoing to be an option.
So even when we did argue orfight or whatever, like we never
thought about separating.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Right and, and you know, as we look at what we've
been blessed with and some of itwas just because God's so good
to us.
We didn't intentionally do anyof it.
Other parts of it were veryintentional we're thankful for
the little bit of wisdom.
We had to do those things.
What we found out was that itcame into a couple of different
areas where we can share withall of you some things that you
(02:50):
can focus on that'll help you beable to see that you can truly
have longevity in your marriagetoo.
And one of the things that'salways encouraged me out of
Proverbs especially Proverbs18.22, encouraged me out of
Proverbs, especially Proverbs 18, 22, is when God says a man who
finds a wife finds a good thingand obtains favor from the Lord
(03:11):
.
And we know that that wasn't.
You know that's not aconditional thing.
That's not a man who finds awife finds a good thing for a
little while.
It's something that we know isconsistently true.
And it doesn't say and when aman finds a good wife, you know
it finds a good thing and favorfrom the Lord, and so we wanted
to encourage you to look at acouple of things that we've
learned over time.
(03:32):
Some of these things, we'veshared concepts with you, but
we've not necessarily shared howit plays out when we're looking
at being married for a very,very long time, and so we want
to go ahead and start by jumpinginto the very first thing we
want to remind you all of.
If you want to have a long,long, long marriage from the
(03:52):
very beginning, realize you'replaying the long game.
You're not playing a short game, you're playing a very long
game.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
And that means that you've got to start putting some
building blocks in for thatgame early on, because it's a
long game and that means thatthere are a lot of little steps
along the way, that when you putthose little steps in places,
it's going to build a foundationthat's going to carry you in
for the long haul.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
You know, and from the very beginning we kind of
mentioned this, we just didn'tput terminology to it.
Let's put terminology to it.
From the very beginning, leslieand I adopted a commitment
mindset.
We just knew from the verybeginning we're committed to one
another.
We're in this for the long haul.
You know, being separate fromone another isn't an option.
(04:41):
We were so blessed that wefound one another, and that
doesn't mean that it was easy.
That doesn't mean those firstcouple of years we didn't face
all kinds of things.
We had no clue we're comingbecause we did.
We faced things that we didn'texpect, but we knew from the
very beginning this is somethingthat we are committed to, and
so we adopted a commitmentmindset.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Right Like not saying divorce.
Like divorce was just not like,that's a commitment mindset and
the other one was just goingthrough some of the everyday
things with grace.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
And I think that a lot of the things in our early
marriage that was just kind ofgrace covered by the grace of
the Lord, not so much because ofwhat we did Like.
For instance, when we firstmoved in together right after we
got married, I had plans ofsetting up the kitchen the way
my mom had her kitchen set up,right.
You know, you wash the disheson the right side and rinse them
(05:39):
on the left side.
Well, that's not how LindaDavis did it Linda.
Davis is his mom.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Wash on the left side and dry go to the right.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
You go from the left to the right Left to right is
America.
So that's not a hill that I waswilling to die on, even though
it kind of aggravated me, youknow.
I just switched it, you know,because it really in the big
picture didn't amount toanything.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
But part of that commitment mindset that goes
along with that is that wedecided early on there's never
going to be an issue that's sobig we won't work through it.
There's nothing that's going tobe too, you know, there's
nothing that's going to cause usto say, okay, that's it, we're
done, I quit.
And we just, from the beginning, said you know, we're going to
face some big things, we'regoing to face some things that
(06:28):
are hard, but we'll never faceanything that's so big.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
We won't say let's do this together and figure it out
and figure it out and talkabout it Like there's not
something so big that we can'tput it on the table and talk
about it from.
You know a lot of people not alot of people, but people in the
counseling office and couplesthat come to us that are
struggling.
You know that part of the longgame is hard because that
(06:52):
commitment isn't always there tocome together and talk about
things in a way that'sproductive.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Right, and one of the other things when you're
playing the long game, somethingelse that you know make the
commitment, but then learn toforgive and truly move forward.
Now it's easy for us to say,okay, I forgive you.
You know somebody says I'msorry, okay, I forgive you, but
if we bring it back up all thetime, we're not able to move on
(07:19):
beyond it.
And so, you know, forgivenessis one of those things that can
be misunderstood, but it canalso you can say okay, I forgive
you, but not really forgive,and get stuck.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
The other hindrance to forgiveness isn't continuing
to bring it back up again, butit's the continuing to do it
again.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Right, continuing to do it like there's not really
any change, like there's notreally any change Now and again
it may take several times beforea change can become permanent,
because, you know, none of uslearn how to do anything very
well right away.
But you know, forgiving isimportant and being able to move
forward is really important.
You want to play the long game.
(07:59):
You've got to realize that,after I forgive, I have an
opportunity now to comealongside my spouse and help
them with whatever it was thatwas the failing in the first
place, and Leslie has thatopportunity with me to come
alongside me and help me withwhatever was the failing in the
first place, so we can moveforward in a way that's better,
(08:20):
instead of finding ourselves ina holding pattern that causes us
to struggle.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
In fact, we just had an episode of this, like as we
were preparing for this, thispodcast, for this recording, we
just just had an episode likethat, you know, as of this
recording, you know we are inApril and something that
occurred back in Decemberhappened and I mentioned it to
him and that was one of thosethings, but I had forgiven him
well before I had mentioned it.
(08:44):
And what happened?
Well, of those things, but Ihad forgiven him well before I
had mentioned it.
And what happened?
Well, let me let me start withthis.
I, one of my love languages, isgift giving, and so when I
receive a good gift that isthoughtful and considerate and
something that I really want,like need you know all of those
things I feel really loved, wantlike need you know all of those
(09:06):
things I feel really loved?
Well, it just so happened thatat Christmas time, doug had made
the comment go get this foryour Christmas present.
And it just totally took thewind out of my sails, because
more than half of getting a goodgift is the getting part.
You know I go shopping formyself all the time, right?
(09:26):
So going shopping for my ownChristmas gift, it didn't make
me feel loved, so it took me awhile.
I didn't even feel likeshopping for him a Christmas
gift, so we didn't get Christmasgifts for each other.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
This Christmas and you know, and of course, the
thing with all of that, seeingthat she'd mentioned something
that you know, this would bereally good me saying well, go
get that, thinking this issomething you'll really like,
because you said so, eliminatedthe gift giving part, which is
what caused the struggle.
Um, you know, but it it was aone of those logical things, but
(09:57):
sometimes love and logic don'tfit and and so, but but again,
rather than letting somethinglike that keep you in a place
where you can't move forward,you get the privilege to come
alongside one another and moveforward.
So it's not just forgive, it'sforgive and move forward.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Right, because I didn't get bitter about it,
right.
Yeah, I didn't even stew aboutit.
It just you know, that's justhow it was, and you know we went
on and I knew at some point Iwould probably have an
opportunity to talk to you aboutit, and so I just didn't
realize it'd be right beforethis podcast.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
And you know, knowing those things about your spouse
and helping grow into a betterunderstanding of those things
about your spouse is important,but it doesn't mean you're still
not going to fall short.
You know, because knowing thatshe loves the whole concept of
gift giving just the fact thatI'll show up occasionally with a
chocolate, just because I knowthat she likes the gift, so I
(10:51):
knew that thing was already true.
And you probably know somethings that are already true
about your spouse it doesn'tmean you're going to do them
perfectly.
Remember long game, figure itout.
Once you mess up, forgive, moveforward and move forward in a
way that's better.
But another way that you canplay the long game with your
spouse and this is something wesee too often when we talk to
(11:12):
couples who are struggling wesee that it didn't exist the way
that it should have.
And so if you're a young couple,let me let me say this really
clearly so you don't miss itYou're going to get busy as life
changes for you, but duringthose times when life changes
for you, maintain yourfriendship with your spouse.
(11:33):
Now we have the privilege to bespiritually intimate.
We have the privilege to bephysically intimate.
We have the privilege to do allof those things, but maintain
your friendship, because wheneverything else gets busy, you
can easily go about the businessof just living life and
(11:55):
forgetting to be each other'sfriend.
And what we see is often lateron, when the seasons change
again and the kids are grown andthe kids are gone.
If you haven't maintained thatfriendship, it's going to be a
real struggle.
But there's good news you canrekindle the friendship.
But it's better when you playthe long game the whole time and
maintain that friendship.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Absolutely.
I know another thing like kindof along that lines, but it's
not really an intimate thing ora physical intimate or an
emotional intimate.
It's more like a groundingthing.
But I know that when we gettime to just hug each other,
either before you leave for workor you know sometime in the
(12:39):
evening, that reconnection isjust so helpful, it's so calming
, and to do that every day oralmost every day, you know that
is a really good long gamestrategy because it just keeps
us connected and it's not even aphysical thing really.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
I mean, it doesn't lead to sex, it it is just a
connection thing right, you knowand and again, think about all
the ways that, uh, you are orhave been a friend with your
spouse and maintain those.
Do some intentional things tomake sure that you yeah, make
sure you do some things thatintentionally preserve that
friendship.
(13:16):
You're going to be blessedlong-term by that.
Now, another way I think Iheard I'm going to interject
here.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
I think I heard somebody say something about a
7-7-7 rule and it's kind of likea weekly and a quarter, a
monthly and a quarterly thing,but it is like once every seven
days spend some face-to-faceone-on-one on one together.
You know it used to be that inthe days of old, when we
actually sat down at the dinnertable together as a family, like
(13:43):
that was face-to-face time, andI really most families don't do
that anymore and we shouldreally get back to that right.
So like once a week, spend someface-to-face time and every
every seven weeks take a datenight, like no children date
night, go to a restaurant, spendsome time together, go to a
museum, go do something fun andwork on kindling that friendship
(14:07):
, and then once every sevenmonths go on a vacation or
weekend, like a weekend away,you know.
So the seven, seven, seven rule.
I don't remember, I forgive me,I don't remember where I read
that or who I who I wouldattribute that to, but that was
not mine and so, but it soundsgood.
We, we do that sort of.
We do a date night, usually onfriday night, twice a month at
(14:30):
least.
You know we usually go out fora good steak.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
I like steak and so, um, as you're playing the long
game, being able to have thoseplanned, we're going to get to
that kind of plan looking thingin a little bit.
But one more thing with thelong game, uh, understand early
on in your marriage andunderstand wherever you are
(14:55):
right now in your marriage.
There will be times when youdisagree with each other.
It's okay to disagree.
It doesn't have to lead toproblems.
As a matter of fact, adisagreement is an opportunity
to draw closer.
And you know, because, if, if,for some reason, one of the two
of you feel like I don't want todisagree at all, so I'll just
(15:17):
do whatever my spouse wants, atsome point in your relationship
it's going to make you feelunimportant, undervalued,
railroaded, something that'sgoing to make you feel
unappreciated and less thaninstead understanding where you
have little disagreements.
Being able to express that andto figure out what's best for
(15:37):
for you as a couple.
Being able to talk about thatwill keep you.
You might still make thedecision that your spouse was
going to make, but you know youwere heard.
So you don't feel undervalued,you don't feel unappreciated,
you understand that you have avoice in the relationship, and
so I want to encourage you rightaway.
Not that you shouldintentionally look for things to
disagree about, but it's okay.
(15:59):
When you do disagree, itdoesn't mean it has to lead to
problems, right?
Speaker 2 (16:04):
yeah, it is an opportunity to learn to
understand each otherdifferently, and I think one of
the faulty beliefs in thosesituations is that my spouse has
to be like me, right?
So you go into thosedisagreements thinking we're
going to come out on the otherside and you're going to believe
(16:26):
what I believe.
But that's not necessarily trueand that certainly doesn't
honor your spouse or honor yourmarriage, because when two
people, when two individuals,come together as a married
couple, they're going to bedifferent beliefs, there's going
to be different operationstandards.
That's kind of what I wasthinking you know, right Like
(16:47):
operation standards.
But when you work to bring thattogether and kind of compliment
each other, that makes youstronger as a couple.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Oh, it absolutely does, and you know, and so,
again, it's an opportunity andwhen you understand that this is
something that we're going todo not just, you know, for a
year or two or 10, but we'rereally truly committed to this
long game.
You know, however long we getthe privilege to live, we're
going to be able to do thattogether, and when you play the
(17:20):
long game, what you're going tofind is that you have
opportunities that will makeyour marriage better.
Now here's something that wasinteresting to me.
It's not just that when youplay the long game, you're going
to have a better marriage.
Did you know that,statistically, for years now,
going to have a better marriage?
Did you know that,statistically, for years now,
it's been proven that marriedpeople live longer than people
who don't get married, and soyou're not just going to have a
(17:41):
longer marriage, but youactually have a longer life Men
by 2.4 years and women byalittle over three years longer
than someone of the same sexthat is not married.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
And so there's a little nugget for you.
Yeah, it's because life'sbetter with you than without you
.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Right, right.
And so the second thing that wewant to share with you all, if
you're looking at longevity inyour marriage, is don't fall
into the comparison trap.
You want to have a longmarriage.
You want to stay together for avery long time.
Don't compare what you havewith what other people have and
feel like, oh, I'm missing out.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
The thing about, about this little nugget here,
is that God has uniquely put youtogether with your spouse and
and when I say uniquely, I meanuniquely because you have in
your being what your spouseneeds, and your spouse has in
(18:41):
their being what you need.
Not what is going on with Janeand John Doe down the road, like
they don't have what you need.
Your spouse has what you need.
Your spouse has what you need.
There's been so, so manycaveats about our relationship.
That has given me a place toheal, and those things wouldn't
(19:03):
have been there, or I wouldn'thave noticed those things, if I
was continually comparing you towhoever you know well and even
you know, even within like yourown little circle of friends,
you're not like your friends,You're not even like your family
members.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
And, um, you know it would be a completely different
thing if you were married toyour spouse's sister.
It's just not going to work.
You're uniquely put together byGod and and and be be glad for
that.
But in the process of that that, you need to be intentional.
Now, guys, I'm going to talk toyou first, Ladies.
This is true for you too, Guys.
(19:41):
You need to be intentional thatit's obvious that every single
day you choose your spouse, Ichoose you over and over and
over again.
Make sure she knows that Ichoose you, I want to be with
you and every single day, forall of those years, you get the
privilege to be married, you getthe privilege to choose your
spouse.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
I think that's a really good point because so
often we get on autopilot.
If you've listened to thepodcast for any length of time,
you've heard us talk about beingon autopilot and it's a really
bad thing.
A really bad thing.
But intentionally choosing andlooking for opportunities to
show that you've chosen yourspouse again and again and again
is really going to build asolidifying measure infidelity
(20:39):
moment or an affair then you'vegot the confidence to say no, I
know my spouse chooses me everyday.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Right, because the comparison trap is one of those
things that can have a lot ofdifferent looks to it, but what
it always does is the grass isgreener on the other side of the
fence, right it says well, myfriend's marriage or my
brother's marriage or myparents' marriage had something
(21:09):
that mine doesn't have, and soyou're constantly comparing.
But when you compare, you'resaying to your spouse whether
you intend to or not, you'relacking something that I think
you should have, and so you'reconstantly comparing.
But when you compare, you'resaying to your spouse whether
you intend to or not, you'relacking something that I think
you should have.
Now, a lot of times this comesout in married couples.
It comes out in a joking manner.
A lot of couples think they'rehilarious when they talk about
yeah, I should have married her.
She cooks better than you do,and the wife will laugh.
(21:33):
But in those dark moments whereshe's feeling insecure, she
wonders if he really meant it,and the wife will say something
about yeah, I should havemarried him.
He stayed in shape.
He doesn't have the gut youhave.
And again then in those momentswhere he's wondering, is she
really looking at other people?
And so the comparison game toooften comes out as I was just
(21:58):
joking.
But those aren't the kinds ofjokes that build your marriage.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Yes, it cracks the relationship.
It does.
It cracks the relationship.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
And one of the other things in don't fall into the
comparison trap is relativelynew.
I came up with this term todayjust because I think that it
fits.
So no offense to the socialmedia that I picked, but don't
let the Instagram view make youthink you're missing out.
Here's what I mean by that.
Regardless of what social mediayou look at, you get to see the
(22:26):
perfect, clean what's behind mein the camera frame view of
somebody else's life.
So you get to see pictures ofthis perfect meal that they got
at some other restaurant,instead of seeing the slightly
chewed up chicken nuggets theytook off their kid's plate for
their lunch meal.
You know you don't get to seethe things that aren't pretty.
(22:47):
You don't get to see the thingsthat aren't perfect.
You only see the things thatreally look good.
You see the great vacation spotand you see the perfectly clean
portion of the room.
The rest of the room is a mess.
Or you see.
You know you see the thingsthat make life look like oh, wow
, because social media iscreated for wow, take a look at
(23:09):
this.
As a result, it's easy for us tobelieve wrongly that well, I'm
the only one who doesn't have aclean house.
I'm the only one whose laundryis still on the floor.
I'm the only one who doesn'thave a husband who's always home
on time.
Or I'm the only one who doesn'thave a wife who goes with me to
(23:32):
my kid's soccer game.
Because everything else you seelooks perfect.
What we all know the reality isnone of those folks' lives are
perfect.
But the danger in it is whenyou start to compare what you
get to see on the little screen,the tiny little screen of your
phone.
When you start to compare thatto what your life is, you can
(23:52):
start once again to thinkeverybody's got it better than
me.
I'm lacking something,something's wrong and you feel
like giving up.
It's the complete enemy to thelong game.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
Yeah, it really is an enemy to the long game, for
sure, and one of the ways tocombat that is just to stay
connected with your spouse in away that is able to communicate
and show gratitude Right Becausewhen and that, and that sounds
so easy and so simple, doesn't?
Speaker 1 (24:22):
it.
It can be hard.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
It can be hard, but the the neat thing about
gratitude is it's like one ofthose mysteries of the Lord that
you just really can't figureout until you actually do it.
But once you start expressinggratitude in your relationship
it really does come backtogether.
Just to kind of erase theInstagram worldview.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
And so the third thing that we wanted to share
today with you all is that ifyou want to see longevity in
your relationship, wherever youare right now, from today
forward, start to design andcommunicate a marriage roadmap.
So design and communicate amarriage roadmap because you're
(25:10):
going to get the privilege totravel this life together.
And you know, leslie and I hadalways talked, even when we were
first married, about how wewanted to be that old couple
that hold hands.
You know we want to barely walk, but we hold hands while we
walk through the park.
We communicated that early on.
We knew where we wanted to go.
(25:30):
But developing that marriageroadmap is what route am I
taking right now?
I know that the ultimatedestination is throughout this
entire life.
I get to do life with you, butthere's different little things
you travel through, and let megive you an example of what it
looks like in an actualtraveling, and then we'll look
at how it fits with yourmarriage.
(25:51):
We have a child who lives onthe East Coast, and when we
travel to see her, we leaveCornfield, central Illinois.
We travel on some country roads, some two-lane highways, some
interstates.
We go through areas where it'sseriously 45 minutes without
seeing a town that's bigger thana thousand people, but then we
(26:14):
also go through some fairlylarge cities where the traffic
is a little bit snarled and alittle bit of a mess, and so the
travel is different.
Even though we know thedestination we're going to,
there's parts of the travel thatare significantly easier than
other parts.
There's parts that are thedestination is all we care about
.
There's other parts where thescenery is what we're looking at
(26:35):
and we go through the mountains.
And we go through the mountains.
But the point is, marriage isvery similar.
We know that our destination isfor the entirety of my life.
I want to travel this journeywith you and I want to finish
the end of my life with you.
We want to be that old couplein the park holding hands.
But as we go through thisjourney together, you're going
(26:57):
to go through different seasons.
Some of those seasons are goingto be pretty easy traveling and
some are going to be hard.
Some you're going to be able toslow down enough.
You can take a look at thescenery and other parts You're
just focused on.
I have to get through to thisdestination.
It's really important, but youget to do the whole thing
together.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Yeah, so what I'd?
Speaker 1 (27:18):
encourage you is to sit down and communicate,
because you need to realize that, even though the destination's
set, the path you take is notgoing to look the same in each
stage, and sometimes the way youthought you were going to get
where you were going has to beredrawn.
We've all gone through wherethere's road constructions.
All of a sudden, what'shappening?
(27:39):
Redirecting and in yourmarriage you get the same thing.
It may not be the route youoriginally drew, it may get
redrawn, but you know you'restill going the same place.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
And like, for instance, one time I was coming
home from Chicago and I wasgoing from O'Hare to Central
Illinois and on the GPS I hit notolls.
Well, that was not the rightthing to do, because I ended up
taking me through some prettysketchy areas in South Chicago
no offense to Southside Chicago,but that's not a place where I
(28:13):
want to spend too much time.
But the point is is thatsometimes in your marriage,
you're going to end up in aplace where you don't
necessarily want to stay toolong, right.
So when you're talking aboutcreating a roadmap, it's really
about being intentional in yourmarriage, and one of the first
things that I would do is to sitdown with your spouse and say
(28:37):
what do you need?
You know, what is it that youneed in this time of life?
That we're in right now?
Yes, that you're in right now,and it may be that you're in the
time of life.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
That we're in right now.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
Yes, that you're in right now, and it may be that
you're in the time of life whereyou've got little kids running
around and, mom, you've just putyour baby in the crib and it
was the best that you could dojust to lay down on the floor
and go to sleep right beside thecrib.
I've been there.
I've done that because I havebeen so tired right beside the
(29:06):
crib.
I've been there.
I've done that because I havebeen so tired.
What you need in that momentmay be for him to take the baby
so you can take a nap.
You know, and that's not likethat's obviously not the case in
our lives now, right, but ithas been.
But it has been right andthere's been many times where
you took the girl so I couldtake a nap.
But the thing is is that whenyou sit down and you ask your
spouse both ways, not just oneasking the other, but both ways
(29:30):
what do you need in this time oflife and how do I work to
provide that for you?
That is going to start thecommunication.
It's going to open thecommunication so that when
you're walking through lifebecause guess what?
It's a long game, right, it's aday by day, it's one step at a
time for the long game and whenyou can understand what your
(29:52):
spouse needs and then ask howyou can accomplish that and talk
about those goals, then guesswhat, you're on the road
together.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
Right, and when your kids are little.
It's definitely going to lookdifferent when you're traveling
than when your kids areteenagers, and then it's going
to look different again whenyou're an empty nester and all
of those things are okay, and sobe intentional about traveling
according to the season you'rein at the moment.
Have those conversations.
One more thing as we look atdesigning and communicating a
(30:23):
roadmap for your marriage, onemore thing I really want to
encourage you to do, and that isdon't avoid the scenic route.
Now, here's what I mean by that.
Don't get so caught up in thenext destination that you don't
spend time looking around whileyou're traveling together.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Don't just stay on the interstate right.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
You know, the destination really isn't always
the goal.
Sometimes the journey is thegoal, and so, you know, a person
that I had the privilege tomeet years ago actually wrote a
poem called the Station, talkingabout traveling on a train, and
what he said, that he learnedthrough his life was the station
that he was going to end upwith.
(31:05):
That wasn't the goal.
The goal was everything that hegot to see on the journey and
everything he got to learn onthe journey, and so I just want
to encourage you strongly do notforget to take advantage of the
scenic route.
Sometimes you're going to dothings a little slower and
you're going to look around andyou're going to enjoy them,
because it's not just hurry sothis can happen.
It's not just hurry so our kidcan get to kindergarten.
(31:27):
Hurry so our kid can get tosoccer practice.
Hurry so our kid can graduatefrom high school.
It's more than just that.
Don't be afraid to take fullopportunity and full advantage
of the scenic route.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
So we know that some of you are saying well, you know
, this has been easy for youguys and there've been some
struggles, but maybe thestruggles that you're going
through are very different thanthe struggles that we've ever
faced.
And you might be in a time ofyour life right now where you're
saying I want to see longevityin my marriage, but I'm
(32:01):
struggling right now because thelong game looks hard.
We would love to hear from you.
We want to know what is it thatyou have questions about and
what is it that you've learnedthat you can share with people
who are in a similar season,whether you are early, early in
your marriage.
Maybe you are at the stagewhere you have littles, maybe
your kids are growing up andthey're active and they're in
(32:24):
everything and you feel like youhave no time, or maybe you're
an empty nester.
Regardless of where you are,what are the questions that you
have and what have you learnedthat you would like to share
with others?
And we'll make sure we get thatinformation to them.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Oh, absolutely.
I'm going to post on Instagramthis morning as this podcast
drops, so you'll be able tocatch that post it's at the
Vision Driven Marriage onInstagram and message us and let
us know.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
Right and we're so grateful that you spend time
with us.
We know that what you do isimportant and that you have a
busy life and it's a privilegethat we get to be a small part
of your busy life.
And we're Doug and Leslie Davis.
This is the Vision DrivenMarriage and we continue to pray
that God will solidify yourmarriage.
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
If you're struggling in yourmarriage, or maybe you're
wondering if it's evensalvageable, before you give up
or before you let things get toohard, let us come alongside you
and help you solidify yourmarriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help solidify
your marriage.
We offer biblical encouragementand insight to help you
strengthen your marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast.
We're Doug and Leslie Davis andwe are excited that you've
joined us here today.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
One of the things that we're talking about today
is longevity, and so, in ourinterview with Bryce and Colette
Schaefer last week, if youhaven't had a chance to listen
to that interview yet, jump backand listen to it, because it
was really a good conversation.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Go check it out.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Yeah, it was really good.
One of the things they talkedabout was the things that can
contribute to having longevityin your marriage.
They were looking at 30, someyears of marriage, right, right
at 30 years of marriage.
I think the key point is goingto be to be intentional with
what you're doing yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
And so when we look at longevity, some of you are
going to have a very differentexperience than others of you.
For some of you, the wholeconcept from the very beginning
is that, well, you know, we'regoing to follow the old
fashioned advice that how didyou stay married?
Well, we just didn't choose toever get divorced.
And others of you are going torealize that you had so many
(01:35):
places where God just pulled youalong when you couldn't quite
move, and so many places whereyou got advice and leading by
the Holy Spirit.
It's a different experience forsome than it is for others.
Sometimes you'll have a seasonthat feels easy and you'll have
another season that feels hard.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
I know when we first got married it it really felt
like we were just.
We were not just not goingthrough the motions, but it was
just.
There wasn't anythingintentional about it, we were
just together.
Right it was just a normal thingto do and, and you know, when
we had an argument, we we dealtwith it the best that we could.
(02:10):
But one of the things I willsay that we agreed upon even
before we got married is thatthe word divorce was not in our
vocabulary, like it was notgoing to be an option.
So even when we did argue orfight or whatever, like we never
thought about separating.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Right and, and you know, as we look at what we've
been blessed with and some of itwas just because God's so good
to us.
We didn't intentionally do anyof it.
Other parts of it were veryintentional we're thankful for
the little bit of wisdom.
We had to do those things.
What we found out was that itcame into a couple of different
areas where we can share withall of you some things that you
(02:50):
can focus on that'll help you beable to see that you can truly
have longevity in your marriagetoo.
And one of the things that'salways encouraged me out of
Proverbs especially Proverbs18.22, encouraged me out of
Proverbs, especially Proverbs 18, 22, is when God says a man who
finds a wife finds a good thingand obtains favor from the Lord
(03:11):
.
And we know that that wasn't.
You know that's not aconditional thing.
That's not a man who finds awife finds a good thing for a
little while.
It's something that we know isconsistently true.
And it doesn't say and when aman finds a good wife, you know
it finds a good thing and favorfrom the Lord, and so we wanted
to encourage you to look at acouple of things that we've
learned over time.
(03:32):
Some of these things, we'veshared concepts with you, but
we've not necessarily shared howit plays out when we're looking
at being married for a very,very long time, and so we want
to go ahead and start by jumpinginto the very first thing we
want to remind you all of.
If you want to have a long,long, long marriage from the
(03:52):
very beginning, realize you'replaying the long game.
You're not playing a short game, you're playing a very long
game.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
And that means that you've got to start putting some
building blocks in for thatgame early on, because it's a
long game and that means thatthere are a lot of little steps
along the way, that when you putthose little steps in places,
it's going to build a foundationthat's going to carry you in
for the long haul.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
You know, and from the very beginning we kind of
mentioned this, we just didn'tput terminology to it.
Let's put terminology to it.
From the very beginning, leslieand I adopted a commitment
mindset.
We just knew from the verybeginning we're committed to one
another.
We're in this for the long haul.
You know, being separate fromone another isn't an option.
(04:41):
We were so blessed that wefound one another, and that
doesn't mean that it was easy.
That doesn't mean those firstcouple of years we didn't face
all kinds of things.
We had no clue we're comingbecause we did.
We faced things that we didn'texpect, but we knew from the
very beginning this is somethingthat we are committed to, and
so we adopted a commitmentmindset.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Right Like not saying divorce.
Like divorce was just not like,that's a commitment mindset and
the other one was just goingthrough some of the everyday
things with grace.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
And I think that a lot of the things in our early
marriage that was just kind ofgrace covered by the grace of
the Lord, not so much because ofwhat we did Like.
For instance, when we firstmoved in together right after we
got married, I had plans ofsetting up the kitchen the way
my mom had her kitchen set up,right.
You know, you wash the disheson the right side and rinse them
(05:39):
on the left side.
Well, that's not how LindaDavis did it Linda.
Davis is his mom.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Wash on the left side and dry go to the right.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
You go from the left to the right Left to right is
America.
So that's not a hill that I waswilling to die on, even though
it kind of aggravated me, youknow.
I just switched it, you know,because it really in the big
picture didn't amount toanything.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
But part of that commitment mindset that goes
along with that is that wedecided early on there's never
going to be an issue that's sobig we won't work through it.
There's nothing that's going tobe too, you know, there's
nothing that's going to cause usto say, okay, that's it, we're
done, I quit.
And we just, from the beginning, said you know, we're going to
face some big things, we'regoing to face some things that
(06:28):
are hard, but we'll never faceanything that's so big.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
We won't say let's do this together and figure it out
and figure it out and talkabout it Like there's not
something so big that we can'tput it on the table and talk
about it from.
You know a lot of people not alot of people, but people in the
counseling office and couplesthat come to us that are
struggling.
You know that part of the longgame is hard because that
(06:52):
commitment isn't always there tocome together and talk about
things in a way that'sproductive.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Right, and one of the other things when you're
playing the long game, somethingelse that you know make the
commitment, but then learn toforgive and truly move forward.
Now it's easy for us to say,okay, I forgive you.
You know somebody says I'msorry, okay, I forgive you, but
if we bring it back up all thetime, we're not able to move on
(07:19):
beyond it.
And so, you know, forgivenessis one of those things that can
be misunderstood, but it canalso you can say okay, I forgive
you, but not really forgive,and get stuck.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
The other hindrance to forgiveness isn't continuing
to bring it back up again, butit's the continuing to do it
again.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Right, continuing to do it like there's not really
any change, like there's notreally any change Now and again
it may take several times beforea change can become permanent,
because, you know, none of uslearn how to do anything very
well right away.
But you know, forgiving isimportant and being able to move
forward is really important.
You want to play the long game.
(07:59):
You've got to realize that,after I forgive, I have an
opportunity now to comealongside my spouse and help
them with whatever it was thatwas the failing in the first
place, and Leslie has thatopportunity with me to come
alongside me and help me withwhatever was the failing in the
first place, so we can moveforward in a way that's better,
(08:20):
instead of finding ourselves ina holding pattern that causes us
to struggle.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
In fact, we just had an episode of this, like as we
were preparing for this, thispodcast, for this recording, we
just just had an episode likethat, you know, as of this
recording, you know we are inApril and something that
occurred back in Decemberhappened and I mentioned it to
him and that was one of thosethings, but I had forgiven him
well before I had mentioned it.
(08:44):
And what happened?
Well, of those things, but Ihad forgiven him well before I
had mentioned it.
And what happened?
Well, let me let me start withthis.
I, one of my love languages, isgift giving, and so when I
receive a good gift that isthoughtful and considerate and
something that I really want,like need you know all of those
things I feel really loved, wantlike need you know all of those
(09:06):
things I feel really loved?
Well, it just so happened thatat Christmas time, doug had made
the comment go get this foryour Christmas present.
And it just totally took thewind out of my sails, because
more than half of getting a goodgift is the getting part.
You know I go shopping formyself all the time, right?
(09:26):
So going shopping for my ownChristmas gift, it didn't make
me feel loved, so it took me awhile.
I didn't even feel likeshopping for him a Christmas
gift, so we didn't get Christmasgifts for each other.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
This Christmas and you know, and of course, the
thing with all of that, seeingthat she'd mentioned something
that you know, this would bereally good me saying well, go
get that, thinking this issomething you'll really like,
because you said so, eliminatedthe gift giving part, which is
what caused the struggle.
Um, you know, but it it was aone of those logical things, but
(09:57):
sometimes love and logic don'tfit and and so, but but again,
rather than letting somethinglike that keep you in a place
where you can't move forward,you get the privilege to come
alongside one another and moveforward.
So it's not just forgive, it'sforgive and move forward.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Right, because I didn't get bitter about it,
right.
Yeah, I didn't even stew aboutit.
It just you know, that's justhow it was, and you know we went
on and I knew at some point Iwould probably have an
opportunity to talk to you aboutit, and so I just didn't
realize it'd be right beforethis podcast.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
And you know, knowing those things about your spouse
and helping grow into a betterunderstanding of those things
about your spouse is important,but it doesn't mean you're still
not going to fall short.
You know, because knowing thatshe loves the whole concept of
gift giving just the fact thatI'll show up occasionally with a
chocolate, just because I knowthat she likes the gift, so I
(10:51):
knew that thing was already true.
And you probably know somethings that are already true
about your spouse it doesn'tmean you're going to do them
perfectly.
Remember long game, figure itout.
Once you mess up, forgive, moveforward and move forward in a
way that's better.
But another way that you canplay the long game with your
spouse and this is something wesee too often when we talk to
(11:12):
couples who are struggling wesee that it didn't exist the way
that it should have.
And so if you're a young couple,let me let me say this really
clearly so you don't miss itYou're going to get busy as life
changes for you, but duringthose times when life changes
for you, maintain yourfriendship with your spouse.
(11:33):
Now we have the privilege to bespiritually intimate.
We have the privilege to bephysically intimate.
We have the privilege to do allof those things, but maintain
your friendship, because wheneverything else gets busy, you
can easily go about the businessof just living life and
(11:55):
forgetting to be each other'sfriend.
And what we see is often lateron, when the seasons change
again and the kids are grown andthe kids are gone.
If you haven't maintained thatfriendship, it's going to be a
real struggle.
But there's good news you canrekindle the friendship.
But it's better when you playthe long game the whole time and
maintain that friendship.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Absolutely.
I know another thing like kindof along that lines, but it's
not really an intimate thing ora physical intimate or an
emotional intimate.
It's more like a groundingthing.
But I know that when we gettime to just hug each other,
either before you leave for workor you know sometime in the
(12:39):
evening, that reconnection isjust so helpful, it's so calming
, and to do that every day oralmost every day, you know that
is a really good long gamestrategy because it just keeps
us connected and it's not even aphysical thing really.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
I mean, it doesn't lead to sex, it it is just a
connection thing right, you knowand and again, think about all
the ways that, uh, you are orhave been a friend with your
spouse and maintain those.
Do some intentional things tomake sure that you yeah, make
sure you do some things thatintentionally preserve that
friendship.
(13:16):
You're going to be blessedlong-term by that.
Now, another way I think Iheard I'm going to interject
here.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
I think I heard somebody say something about a
7-7-7 rule and it's kind of likea weekly and a quarter, a
monthly and a quarterly thing,but it is like once every seven
days spend some face-to-faceone-on-one on one together.
You know it used to be that inthe days of old, when we
actually sat down at the dinnertable together as a family, like
(13:43):
that was face-to-face time, andI really most families don't do
that anymore and we shouldreally get back to that right.
So like once a week, spend someface-to-face time and every
every seven weeks take a datenight, like no children date
night, go to a restaurant, spendsome time together, go to a
museum, go do something fun andwork on kindling that friendship
(14:07):
, and then once every sevenmonths go on a vacation or
weekend, like a weekend away,you know.
So the seven, seven, seven rule.
I don't remember, I forgive me,I don't remember where I read
that or who I who I wouldattribute that to, but that was
not mine and so, but it soundsgood.
We, we do that sort of.
We do a date night, usually onfriday night, twice a month at
(14:30):
least.
You know we usually go out fora good steak.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
I like steak and so, um, as you're playing the long
game, being able to have thoseplanned, we're going to get to
that kind of plan looking thingin a little bit.
But one more thing with thelong game, uh, understand early
on in your marriage andunderstand wherever you are
(14:55):
right now in your marriage.
There will be times when youdisagree with each other.
It's okay to disagree.
It doesn't have to lead toproblems.
As a matter of fact, adisagreement is an opportunity
to draw closer.
And you know, because, if, if,for some reason, one of the two
of you feel like I don't want todisagree at all, so I'll just
(15:17):
do whatever my spouse wants, atsome point in your relationship
it's going to make you feelunimportant, undervalued,
railroaded, something that'sgoing to make you feel
unappreciated and less thaninstead understanding where you
have little disagreements.
Being able to express that andto figure out what's best for
(15:37):
for you as a couple.
Being able to talk about thatwill keep you.
You might still make thedecision that your spouse was
going to make, but you know youwere heard.
So you don't feel undervalued,you don't feel unappreciated,
you understand that you have avoice in the relationship, and
so I want to encourage you rightaway.
Not that you shouldintentionally look for things to
disagree about, but it's okay.
(15:59):
When you do disagree, itdoesn't mean it has to lead to
problems, right?
Speaker 2 (16:04):
yeah, it is an opportunity to learn to
understand each otherdifferently, and I think one of
the faulty beliefs in thosesituations is that my spouse has
to be like me, right?
So you go into thosedisagreements thinking we're
going to come out on the otherside and you're going to believe
(16:26):
what I believe.
But that's not necessarily trueand that certainly doesn't
honor your spouse or honor yourmarriage, because when two
people, when two individuals,come together as a married
couple, they're going to bedifferent beliefs, there's going
to be different operationstandards.
That's kind of what I wasthinking you know, right Like
(16:47):
operation standards.
But when you work to bring thattogether and kind of compliment
each other, that makes youstronger as a couple.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Oh, it absolutely does, and you know, and so,
again, it's an opportunity andwhen you understand that this is
something that we're going todo not just, you know, for a
year or two or 10, but we'rereally truly committed to this
long game.
You know, however long we getthe privilege to live, we're
going to be able to do thattogether, and when you play the
(17:20):
long game, what you're going tofind is that you have
opportunities that will makeyour marriage better.
Now here's something that wasinteresting to me.
It's not just that when youplay the long game, you're going
to have a better marriage.
Did you know that,statistically, for years now,
going to have a better marriage?
Did you know that,statistically, for years now,
it's been proven that marriedpeople live longer than people
who don't get married, and soyou're not just going to have a
(17:41):
longer marriage, but youactually have a longer life Men
by 2.4 years and women byalittle over three years longer
than someone of the same sexthat is not married.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
And so there's a little nugget for you.
Yeah, it's because life'sbetter with you than without you
.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Right, right.
And so the second thing that wewant to share with you all, if
you're looking at longevity inyour marriage, is don't fall
into the comparison trap.
You want to have a longmarriage.
You want to stay together for avery long time.
Don't compare what you havewith what other people have and
feel like, oh, I'm missing out.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
The thing about, about this little nugget here,
is that God has uniquely put youtogether with your spouse and
and when I say uniquely, I meanuniquely because you have in
your being what your spouseneeds, and your spouse has in
(18:41):
their being what you need.
Not what is going on with Janeand John Doe down the road, like
they don't have what you need.
Your spouse has what you need.
Your spouse has what you need.
There's been so, so manycaveats about our relationship.
That has given me a place toheal, and those things wouldn't
(19:03):
have been there, or I wouldn'thave noticed those things, if I
was continually comparing you towhoever you know well and even
you know, even within like yourown little circle of friends,
you're not like your friends,You're not even like your family
members.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
And, um, you know it would be a completely different
thing if you were married toyour spouse's sister.
It's just not going to work.
You're uniquely put together byGod and and and be be glad for
that.
But in the process of that that, you need to be intentional.
Now, guys, I'm going to talk toyou first, Ladies.
This is true for you too, Guys.
(19:41):
You need to be intentional thatit's obvious that every single
day you choose your spouse, Ichoose you over and over and
over again.
Make sure she knows that Ichoose you, I want to be with
you and every single day, forall of those years, you get the
privilege to be married, you getthe privilege to choose your
spouse.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
I think that's a really good point because so
often we get on autopilot.
If you've listened to thepodcast for any length of time,
you've heard us talk about beingon autopilot and it's a really
bad thing.
A really bad thing.
But intentionally choosing andlooking for opportunities to
show that you've chosen yourspouse again and again and again
is really going to build asolidifying measure infidelity
(20:39):
moment or an affair then you'vegot the confidence to say no, I
know my spouse chooses me everyday.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Right, because the comparison trap is one of those
things that can have a lot ofdifferent looks to it, but what
it always does is the grass isgreener on the other side of the
fence, right it says well, myfriend's marriage or my
brother's marriage or myparents' marriage had something
(21:09):
that mine doesn't have, and soyou're constantly comparing.
But when you compare, you'resaying to your spouse whether
you intend to or not, you'relacking something that I think
you should have, and so you'reconstantly comparing.
But when you compare, you'resaying to your spouse whether
you intend to or not, you'relacking something that I think
you should have.
Now, a lot of times this comesout in married couples.
It comes out in a joking manner.
A lot of couples think they'rehilarious when they talk about
yeah, I should have married her.
She cooks better than you do,and the wife will laugh.
(21:33):
But in those dark moments whereshe's feeling insecure, she
wonders if he really meant it,and the wife will say something
about yeah, I should havemarried him.
He stayed in shape.
He doesn't have the gut youhave.
And again then in those momentswhere he's wondering, is she
really looking at other people?
And so the comparison game toooften comes out as I was just
(21:58):
joking.
But those aren't the kinds ofjokes that build your marriage.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Yes, it cracks the relationship.
It does.
It cracks the relationship.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
And one of the other things in don't fall into the
comparison trap is relativelynew.
I came up with this term todayjust because I think that it
fits.
So no offense to the socialmedia that I picked, but don't
let the Instagram view make youthink you're missing out.
Here's what I mean by that.
Regardless of what social mediayou look at, you get to see the
(22:26):
perfect, clean what's behind mein the camera frame view of
somebody else's life.
So you get to see pictures ofthis perfect meal that they got
at some other restaurant,instead of seeing the slightly
chewed up chicken nuggets theytook off their kid's plate for
their lunch meal.
You know you don't get to seethe things that aren't pretty.
(22:47):
You don't get to see the thingsthat aren't perfect.
You only see the things thatreally look good.
You see the great vacation spotand you see the perfectly clean
portion of the room.
The rest of the room is a mess.
Or you see.
You know you see the thingsthat make life look like oh, wow
, because social media iscreated for wow, take a look at
(23:09):
this.
As a result, it's easy for us tobelieve wrongly that well, I'm
the only one who doesn't have aclean house.
I'm the only one whose laundryis still on the floor.
I'm the only one who doesn'thave a husband who's always home
on time.
Or I'm the only one who doesn'thave a wife who goes with me to
(23:32):
my kid's soccer game.
Because everything else you seelooks perfect.
What we all know the reality isnone of those folks' lives are
perfect.
But the danger in it is whenyou start to compare what you
get to see on the little screen,the tiny little screen of your
phone.
When you start to compare thatto what your life is, you can
(23:52):
start once again to thinkeverybody's got it better than
me.
I'm lacking something,something's wrong and you feel
like giving up.
It's the complete enemy to thelong game.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
Yeah, it really is an enemy to the long game, for
sure, and one of the ways tocombat that is just to stay
connected with your spouse in away that is able to communicate
and show gratitude Right Becausewhen and that, and that sounds
so easy and so simple, doesn't?
Speaker 1 (24:22):
it.
It can be hard.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
It can be hard, but the the neat thing about
gratitude is it's like one ofthose mysteries of the Lord that
you just really can't figureout until you actually do it.
But once you start expressinggratitude in your relationship
it really does come backtogether.
Just to kind of erase theInstagram worldview.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
And so the third thing that we wanted to share
today with you all is that ifyou want to see longevity in
your relationship, wherever youare right now, from today
forward, start to design andcommunicate a marriage roadmap.
So design and communicate amarriage roadmap because you're
(25:10):
going to get the privilege totravel this life together.
And you know, leslie and I hadalways talked, even when we were
first married, about how wewanted to be that old couple
that hold hands.
You know we want to barely walk, but we hold hands while we
walk through the park.
We communicated that early on.
We knew where we wanted to go.
(25:30):
But developing that marriageroadmap is what route am I
taking right now?
I know that the ultimatedestination is throughout this
entire life.
I get to do life with you, butthere's different little things
you travel through, and let megive you an example of what it
looks like in an actualtraveling, and then we'll look
at how it fits with yourmarriage.
(25:51):
We have a child who lives onthe East Coast, and when we
travel to see her, we leaveCornfield, central Illinois.
We travel on some country roads, some two-lane highways, some
interstates.
We go through areas where it'sseriously 45 minutes without
seeing a town that's bigger thana thousand people, but then we
(26:14):
also go through some fairlylarge cities where the traffic
is a little bit snarled and alittle bit of a mess, and so the
travel is different.
Even though we know thedestination we're going to,
there's parts of the travel thatare significantly easier than
other parts.
There's parts that are thedestination is all we care about
.
There's other parts where thescenery is what we're looking at
(26:35):
and we go through the mountains.
And we go through the mountains.
But the point is, marriage isvery similar.
We know that our destination isfor the entirety of my life.
I want to travel this journeywith you and I want to finish
the end of my life with you.
We want to be that old couplein the park holding hands.
But as we go through thisjourney together, you're going
(26:57):
to go through different seasons.
Some of those seasons are goingto be pretty easy traveling and
some are going to be hard.
Some you're going to be able toslow down enough.
You can take a look at thescenery and other parts You're
just focused on.
I have to get through to thisdestination.
It's really important, but youget to do the whole thing
together.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Yeah, so what I'd?
Speaker 1 (27:18):
encourage you is to sit down and communicate,
because you need to realize that, even though the destination's
set, the path you take is notgoing to look the same in each
stage, and sometimes the way youthought you were going to get
where you were going has to beredrawn.
We've all gone through wherethere's road constructions.
All of a sudden, what'shappening?
(27:39):
Redirecting and in yourmarriage you get the same thing.
It may not be the route youoriginally drew, it may get
redrawn, but you know you'restill going the same place.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
And like, for instance, one time I was coming
home from Chicago and I wasgoing from O'Hare to Central
Illinois and on the GPS I hit notolls.
Well, that was not the rightthing to do, because I ended up
taking me through some prettysketchy areas in South Chicago
no offense to Southside Chicago,but that's not a place where I
(28:13):
want to spend too much time.
But the point is is thatsometimes in your marriage,
you're going to end up in aplace where you don't
necessarily want to stay toolong, right.
So when you're talking aboutcreating a roadmap, it's really
about being intentional in yourmarriage, and one of the first
things that I would do is to sitdown with your spouse and say
(28:37):
what do you need?
You know, what is it that youneed in this time of life?
That we're in right now?
Yes, that you're in right now,and it may be that you're in the
time of life.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
That we're in right now.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
Yes, that you're in right now, and it may be that
you're in the time of life whereyou've got little kids running
around and, mom, you've just putyour baby in the crib and it
was the best that you could dojust to lay down on the floor
and go to sleep right beside thecrib.
I've been there.
I've done that because I havebeen so tired right beside the
(29:06):
crib.
I've been there.
I've done that because I havebeen so tired.
What you need in that momentmay be for him to take the baby
so you can take a nap.
You know, and that's not likethat's obviously not the case in
our lives now, right, but ithas been.
But it has been right andthere's been many times where
you took the girl so I couldtake a nap.
But the thing is is that whenyou sit down and you ask your
spouse both ways, not just oneasking the other, but both ways
(29:30):
what do you need in this time oflife and how do I work to
provide that for you?
That is going to start thecommunication.
It's going to open thecommunication so that when
you're walking through lifebecause guess what?
It's a long game, right, it's aday by day, it's one step at a
time for the long game and whenyou can understand what your
(29:52):
spouse needs and then ask howyou can accomplish that and talk
about those goals, then guesswhat, you're on the road
together.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
Right, and when your kids are little.
It's definitely going to lookdifferent when you're traveling
than when your kids areteenagers, and then it's going
to look different again whenyou're an empty nester and all
of those things are okay, and sobe intentional about traveling
according to the season you'rein at the moment.
Have those conversations.
One more thing as we look atdesigning and communicating a
(30:23):
roadmap for your marriage, onemore thing I really want to
encourage you to do, and that isdon't avoid the scenic route.
Now, here's what I mean by that.
Don't get so caught up in thenext destination that you don't
spend time looking around whileyou're traveling together.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Don't just stay on the interstate right.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
You know, the destination really isn't always
the goal.
Sometimes the journey is thegoal, and so, you know, a person
that I had the privilege tomeet years ago actually wrote a
poem called the Station, talkingabout traveling on a train, and
what he said, that he learnedthrough his life was the station
that he was going to end upwith.
(31:05):
That wasn't the goal.
The goal was everything that hegot to see on the journey and
everything he got to learn onthe journey, and so I just want
to encourage you strongly do notforget to take advantage of the
scenic route.
Sometimes you're going to dothings a little slower and
you're going to look around andyou're going to enjoy them,
because it's not just hurry sothis can happen.
It's not just hurry so our kidcan get to kindergarten.
(31:27):
Hurry so our kid can get tosoccer practice.
Hurry so our kid can graduatefrom high school.
It's more than just that.
Don't be afraid to take fullopportunity and full advantage
of the scenic route.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
So we know that some of you are saying well, you know
, this has been easy for youguys and there've been some
struggles, but maybe thestruggles that you're going
through are very different thanthe struggles that we've ever
faced.
And you might be in a time ofyour life right now where you're
saying I want to see longevityin my marriage, but I'm
(32:01):
struggling right now because thelong game looks hard.
We would love to hear from you.
We want to know what is it thatyou have questions about and
what is it that you've learnedthat you can share with people
who are in a similar season,whether you are early, early in
your marriage.
Maybe you are at the stagewhere you have littles, maybe
your kids are growing up andthey're active and they're in
(32:24):
everything and you feel like youhave no time, or maybe you're
an empty nester.
Regardless of where you are,what are the questions that you
have and what have you learnedthat you would like to share
with others?
And we'll make sure we get thatinformation to them.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Oh, absolutely.
I'm going to post on Instagramthis morning as this podcast
drops, so you'll be able tocatch that post it's at the
Vision Driven Marriage onInstagram and message us and let
us know.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
Right and we're so grateful that you spend time
with us.
We know that what you do isimportant and that you have a
busy life and it's a privilegethat we get to be a small part
of your busy life.
And we're Doug and Leslie Davis.
This is the Vision DrivenMarriage and we continue to pray
that God will solidify yourmarriage.
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