June 16, 2025 • 24 mins
Becoming Your Spouse's Best Friend :: [Ep. 273]
This week, we will explore the concept of friendship in marriage. Deep friendship between spouses is rare but it's achievable through consistent investment.
We will be talking about the following:
• Moving beyond surface-level interactions to genuine friendship requires actively pursuing your spouse
• True marriage friendship starts with self-evaluation and a shift from expecting friendship to offering it
• Discipleship is the foundation of marriage friendship - helping your spouse grow in Christlikeness
• The Three "sticky principles" for friendship: doing life together, helping through tough times, and telling truth in love
• Practical tips including spending intentional time together, exploring each other's interests, and caring for one another
• Connecting with like-minded couples provides accountability and encouragement
We hope by listening you and your spouse will be encouraged all the more!
P.S. Do you have a desire to serve marriages in your community or the desire to support VowsToKeep financially? If so, visit VowsToKeep.com and click on the donate link! We appreciate your support!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hey, we're David and Tracy Sellers and we've made
vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
All right, cold turkey question for you who is
your best friend?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Are you asking me?
Speaker 3 (00:30):
No, but I'm asking everyone who can hear my voice
besides you?
Speaker 2 (00:34):
All right.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
While you're doing that, I want you to hear a
little story about ourfriendship.
So back in 2010, we moved toOhio.
At the same time, I got a workfrom home job the first that I'd
ever experienced in my life andthe dynamics of our
relationship changed.
It was kind of crazy.
I mean, something tough wouldhappen at work.
And you were right there.
You're the first person to know, and although we had to work
(00:57):
really hard to make sure thatpeople at work couldn't hear our
kids in the background, thatwas a challenge.
It was a big challenge, the factthat we were accessible to each
other.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
It changed our friendship though.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Even though we'd already had a pretty great
friendship since we got marriedand we've really been each
other's best friend for like 20years.
This is year 20 for us.
We love talking to each other,we love touching each other's
hands and, you know, huggingthroughout the day, laughing,
crying.
We even love to go on thesemental field trips together.
We eat most of our mealstogether.
(01:30):
We're really in each other'scompany a lot.
We work with a lot of couplesto know that this kind of
intimacy and friendship is rare.
But honestly, David and I we'rereally not that special.
It's not that things areperfect between us.
We just know that investing ineach other pays off in the long
run.
So what if you don't have thiskind of relationship with your
(01:51):
spouse?
Speaker 3 (01:52):
Well, some would say, gosh, we just need to rewind
the clock, right?
We need to replay the thingsthat used to kindle the romance
for us when we were young and inlove.
So for us that was popping inthe Journey CDs or the Boston
Chicago CDs, a little love songyou could jam to, maybe
(02:13):
something as practical asscheduling a date.
Take time to play, laugh anddream again, and this sounds
nice.
But is it enough?
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Then we went through a season of COVID A lot of
couples working at home togetherfor the first time, trying to
do their full-time job alongsidebeing parents and cooks and
teachers.
Just trying to balance it whiletrying to stay sane at the same
time.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Yeah, I took an informal poll with some of my
colleagues during the verybeginning stages of COVID that
season probably maybe two monthsin and said hey, how are you
doing?
And surprisingly, most of themsaid you know what we're
actually doing.
Really good, we're spendingmore time with our kids, less
(02:56):
time running everyone aroundGod's green earth.
Fast forward, you know six,eight, nine months of that and
people are like you know what?
I need a vacation for my family.
What we used to do to go gettime with them, now we need to
do because we need a break fromour spouse.
So now we're under the sameroof.
We're spending more time withour spouse and that friendship
(03:21):
conversation becomes a whole newkind of conversation.
Is it something we even aspireto do or is it something that we
just don't even know how tofoster anymore?
Speaker 2 (03:32):
David started out today on Vows to Keep Radio
asking for the name of your bestfriend, and I'm going to ask
you now what's the name of yourspouse?
Picture that in your head, do?
Speaker 3 (03:41):
you want me to answer that now?
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Yes, Most of us come up with two different people
when we're asked those questions.
So when I was younger, my bestfriend was Sarah and David.
This was pre-David in my life.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
Well before Tracy was in my life, my best friend was
my younger brother, Dan.
We did everything togetherbefore you and I got married and
then we met and, of course, youwere my focus.
You became my best friend andwe love spending every moment
together, and I think a lot ofmarriages start exactly like
that.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
But over time things can change.
I had a friend in a differentstate that we used to live in
and she was a stay-at-home mom.
She had two young kids, but herhusband traveled a lot.
He was gone most of the month.
He was only home a couple daysout of the month, and it wasn't
long before she was publiclystating that she felt like a
single mom.
And I can.
I can see why she felt that way.
(04:30):
But when he would come home itwas interesting.
She began to actually resenthim.
When he was there, his presenceinterrupted the cadence of her
day and how things normally went, and she had to kind of
readjust when he was home.
So rather than trying to stayconnected, she actually looked
forward to him leaving again soshe could have her independence
back.
So I wonder what her reactionwould be to her spouse taking a
(04:54):
work from home job.
What if his traveling job justcompletely went away and he was
home?
I want you to consider that foryourself too.
What did staying home moreduring the COVID season do to
your relationship?
Speaker 3 (05:07):
Some people are saying we started this season
and, honestly, I can't stand myspouse.
We tolerate each other, so whywould that change now?
Why would we be best friendsexcept for the fact that we
wanted to have that postcard?
Look when we walked into churchholding hands.
(05:29):
We want everyone to believethat everything is cool, but we
don't actually roll like that inour marriage.
I've got my peeps and maybeyou've got yours who keep us
sane, who give us someone tohang out with, who give us
someone to really share what'shappening in our lives with.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
And maybe your marriage friendship isn't as far
gone as my friend that I justtalked about.
But I just talked with thisother couple recently who were
really excited because, comingup, they were going to have a
few days apart from each otherand both of them were like just
casually talking about it, likethere was nothing wrong with
that, and they were reallyexcited about the break that
they were going to get.
And it's not that they werereally likely, david, to
(06:10):
probably run into sin while theywere apart from each other, but
I think they were reallymissing the point, overlooking
the reason that God gave them toeach other.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
So if this is you, if you're aware this couple that
Tracy just described is, we hopethat we can help you today.
So this is what our agendalooks like First and foremost,
we're going to spend some timetalking about where we start if
our spouse isn't our best friend.
Second, we're going to go oversome biblical principles that
the Bible presents forinstructions about how to be
(06:38):
someone's friend, and then,finally, we're going to go over
some suggestions that Tracy andI have personally experienced
that cultivate a strongfriendship in our marriage, and
we hope we'll do the same foryou.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Sounds like a great broadcast.
We are in part four of ourPowerful Pursuit series here on
Vows to Keep Radio.
You can listen to the otherbroadcasts on our website,
vowstokeepcom.
So as I start here, I'mthinking about a friend of mine,
david.
I'm picturing her listening tothis broadcast and, if she is,
she's literally going click andturning bells to keep radio off,
because I know her and she hasreally no desire for her husband
(07:12):
to be her best friendAbsolutely none.
She is literally on vacationright now with who she would
call her best friend, and whereis her husband?
Well, he's at home alone rightnow, and it's really not just
this vacation, it's the way theyrun their house you over there,
me over here.
Let's keep some socialdistancing between us and all
(07:32):
will be well.
She doesn't see her husband assomeone who adds value to her
life, and I wonder if you seeyour spouse like that.
At first glance, that looks tobe the issue that she's finding
value in her career, her friends, her goals.
But the root problem actuallyis this, I think, is that she
has lost sight of her value inhis life.
(07:53):
She's stopped being the bestfriend to him that he needs and,
as a result, she's robbedherself of the best friend that
God put permanently in her life.
We love others because Godfirst loved us, but we forget
that Second Corinthians 5 saysthat it's Christ's love that
should compel us.
Powerful pursuit of your spouseactually starts with an honest
(08:14):
evaluation of your own personalneed for a Savior.
And then we see, okay, ourspouse has the exact same need
and it is our goal to reach intotheir life and swivel their
heads so their eyes land onChrist again and again, and
again whenever they get off.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Discipleship is coming along, someone in the
name of Christ.
It's teaching them, loving them, admonishing them, watching out
for where that person maystumble.
Are you looking for your spouseto show you friendship or are
you looking for ways to be theirbest friend?
I'll repeat that question onemore time Are you looking for
(08:48):
your spouse to show youfriendship or are you looking
for ways to be their best friend?
Because the difference is ashift in your heart.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Recently I spoke with several friends who find
themselves in the same positionthat I do, sometimes feeling
like they're always the ones,when they're at church or at
school or different events,walking up to someone, they're
the ones texting their friends,they're the one initiating get
togethers and they're saying,hey, I am weary of pouring out
and not receiving thatreciprocation.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
So we think discipleship is something that
others should be doing to us,which is not wrong, but it can't
be why we go to church.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
Absolutely so.
Let's put this in marriagecontext here.
If you're waiting for yourspouse to be there, for you to
be the one to put down his phoneand pay attention to you, I
have to stop keeping count ofDavid's wrongs and waiting for
him to look my way before Istart heading in his direction.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
So if we look to God's word on how we should
treat our spouse, how we shouldtalk to our spouse, how we
should love our spouse, how weshould lay down our life for our
spouse, what we're called to doadds up to what it takes to be
someone's best friend.
We need to start looking at ourcalling differently in our
marriage.
Maybe you're having a hard timewrapping your head around this,
(10:01):
Like where do I actually start?
I know my marriage needs change.
Where do I start?
This means that we need to putlove into action, no matter how
that person is reciprocating.
And we can look in Proverbs 18.
This is verse 24.
It says a man of manycompanions may come to ruin, but
there's a friend that stickscloser than a brother.
(10:22):
And we're going to be talkingabout three principles.
We'll call them stickyprinciples because that's what
Proverbs says someone who stickscloser than a brother.
The first principle is that, atevery opportunity, do life
together.
Becoming best friends inmarriage means that we've got to
be side by side, and this is assticky as it sounds.
(10:43):
It's obvious.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
That's right.
The word used in Proverbs 18for sticks is the same word used
in Genesis 2.24 for cleaving.
For this cause, a man shallleave his father and mother and
cleave to his wife and theyshall become one flesh.
I love that.
Cleaving and sticking is acommitment to permanency in
marriage, to be glued togetherfor life all the time, looking
(11:05):
for ways to do life together.
And we have to remember it'snot about having ooey-gooey
feelings for each other all thetime.
Now, hopefully, that'll be sortof a fruit that comes from this
, but you don't have to havethat in order to invest in your
husband for his good, for hisgrowth, to see him as someone
that God has his hand on andwants to use for his kingdom,
(11:27):
and you're just this awesometool in his life to help make
that happen.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
So there's some of us that are saying, okay, wait a
second, dave and Tracy, youdon't know my situation.
I can't take my wife to workwith me, and I would say,
actually you might be wrong,because a husband or even a wife
without a visible presence oftheir spouse at work has missed
a great opportunity.
You know, I do work from homeand one of the things that all
(11:53):
my coworkers have done isactually either talk to her or
have a very keen knowledge ofthe importance that she has in
my life.
And this does two things.
The first is it sets up forprotection for me as a man.
It's something which protectsmy marriage, and everyone knows
that she is a priority.
That tells other people thatthey can't come and try to start
(12:16):
a relationship with me in a waythat would be inappropriate.
But the next thing is it's atestimony about God.
It's a witness to how God'sdesign for marriage actually
works.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Right, but it's not just work.
This can transfer into allkinds of other areas of our life
.
So where do we need to cleaveto our spouse?
Where do you need to become oneagain?
Speaker 3 (12:36):
Where are you mindlessly spending time where
you might be livingindependently from your spouse?
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Because that happens when we're not watchful.
Where are you replacing thefriendship you once had with
them with the companionship ofsomeone else?
Some things to think about aswe go into the second sticky
principle.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
And that second one is committing to help your
spouse in the thick of a reallytough day, or maybe a tough
season.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
I bet you can think of five or six couples right off
the top of your head right nowwho have lived this out through
health problems, strokes,depression, injury, cancer.
I definitely can think of thoseright now.
We've even been there ourselves.
David fell through some raftersand spent four months
recovering.
We had to stick like glue toone another, to be there for
each other, just to get throughit.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
But this even happened this week, when Tracy
saw some encouragement that Ineeded as a father at a time
that I was kind of ready to tapout.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
And we all definitely get there.
God didn't purposely place youin your marriage to ignore the
soul or the struggles of yourspouse.
You are there for a reason.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Proverbs 17,.
17 says it this way A friendloves at all times, and a
brother or a sister is born foradversity.
When adversity comes, thesticky friend is there, and I
mean really there rushingheadlong into the crisis,
bringing the counsel that afriend needs.
We have a joke in our house whenthere's a piano that needs to
(13:58):
be moved, don't reach for thebench.
So when your spouse is quiet,right, when things are hard, it
would be tempting to just sortof like lay low, and that's the
equivalent of reaching for thebench.
You need to really find out why.
Why is it that they're having akick the dog kind of day?
Why is it that they'restruggling so that dog kind of
(14:19):
day?
Why is it that they'restruggling, so that you can help
lean into the solution?
This can be things that areemotional, but also things that
are very practical.
When Tracy's back isn't feelinggood, sometimes it's as simple
as recognizing oh, she's kind ofnursing a little bit, so I'm
going to give her a back rub.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
And that third sticky principle of friendship is a
commitment to telling the truthin love.
Even if it is initially goingto be a little bit painful for
your spouse's heart to hear whenhe or she is in sin, they need
you.
Biblically, you are called tocome alongside them and speak
the truth in love.
Anyone can love someone becausethey serve them perfectly, but
(14:57):
to know the flaws and to lovethem through those is so rare
and pure and perfect.
Loving someone through theirwrong choices doesn't mean that
you just put up with it or maybeeven isolate yourself from
seeing it or grabbing control ofwhat's happening.
It means discipleship withGod's word, not just your
feelings.
Proverbs 27, 6 says faithfulare the wounds of a friend, but
(15:21):
deceitful are the kisses of anenemy.
Iron sharpens iron, so oneperson sharpens another.
I need David to not ignore mysin.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
Discipleship.
Friendship.
It takes time, it takesinteraction.
It means knowing someone wellenough to love them back to the
truth.
Now I've got a couple of closefriends that are Christian men
and I was just having thisconversation with one of them
this morning.
If I went off the rails, I wouldthink it very strange if they
didn't try to come and lovinglycorrect me.
(15:52):
If they let me veer off to thedemise of my life or to my
marriage, I'm not sure I couldconsider them true friends.
So are you a true friend toyour wife?
The wounds of a sticky, lovingspouse create a healing as well
as a sharpening in their life,and sharpening is something
(16:14):
that's not just making a selfishdemand to change what you did
to offend me, but instead it'sabout a commitment to discipling
someone, a commitment tohelping your spouse grow and
change to become more likeChrist, their Savior.
James 5, verses 19 and 20, saysmy brothers, if anyone among
you wanders from the truth andsomeone brings them back, let
(16:36):
him know that whoever bringsback a sinner from his wandering
will save a soul from death andwill cover a multitude of sins.
This is so practical.
We've lived it out ourselves.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
So we've gone over these three great principles of
friendship and marriage,hopefully switching the mindset
from hey, how come my spousejust isn't that into me?
To how can I be their bestfriend?
How can I disciple them toChrist likeness?
Discipleship is such aninteresting thing when we sit
down across the table from acouple that we're counseling and
they're hoping for change intheir marriage.
(17:07):
Boy, we wish we could just snapour fingers, press a button to
make things just immediatelydifferent.
But discipleship doesn't workthat way, and I don't think
friendship does either.
It requires a lot ofcultivation until you start to
see some of that fruit.
So today you might plant a seedin your husband's heart.
Tonight you might throw alittle light on it from God's
word.
Tomorrow you might water itwith being patient and kind when
(17:27):
you don't feel like it.
I wonder how long it'll be foryou before you start to see that
friendship start to blossombetween you.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
It all depends on where you're starting from.
For some it might take months,for others it might take years.
The key, though, is beingconsistent and persistent in
following God, withoutexpectations that you're going
to see the fruit of this side ofheaven, but it's amazing to see
what can happen when we justassume the best and stay
meaningfully engaged with ourspouse.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
That is so true.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
Lord, give us perseverance to go the long haul
.
Now, as we're ending today withVows to Keep Radio, we want to
throw a couple of nuggets thatwe've learned really cultivate a
strong relationship, a strongfriendship within our marriage,
like God designed us to have.
We'll probably put these out onFacebook for you to be able to
refer to them later, but reallythey're all summed up by Jesus'
(18:19):
words from Luke 6, 31.
It says do to others what youwould want them to do to you.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
All right.
So let's jump into these, david, real quick.
So, number one choose to spendtime together rather than apart,
and I think to do this, wereally need to be mindful of how
we're actually spending ourtime.
A lot of us have a lot of fatin our day, some things we could
cut out.
You've spent an hour watchingthis YouTube video.
Hey, let's spend an hour takinga walk, having a bowl of ice
(18:48):
cream together, laughing, maybeeven playing a game.
Let's do something intentional.
We've made some reallysignificant concessions for the
sake of our friendship and ourlife.
We've established habits androutines that allow for quality
time together, and we need to,and you need to, guard that time
as really precious.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
We got to make margin and trust that God will use it
in your marriage relationships.
The second is to explore theinterests of your spouse.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Yeah, what are they into?
That maybe really doesn't eveninterest you at all.
That's where you need to behoning in on Join them in what
they're passionate about.
That is going to speak soloudly to them.
In fact, we did a wholebroadcast on this in this series
.
It's pursuing your spouse bygoing from observer to champion.
You can find that on ourwebsite, vowstokeepcom, and
(19:31):
often that is going gonna takesacrifice on your part, not only
in your time, but in yourattitude.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
So if you say, okay, yeah, fine, I'll hang out with
you, it's clearly begrudgingly.
Guess what All of those effortsare gonna be trashed by your
attitude.
Take some time to understandyour spouse's interest and
engage in them.
Also, for us, it's been carvingout a weekend that we can get
away from the kids and spend anovernight time together.
(19:59):
I love doing the research Iknow you do as well to just
figure out a time where we'regoing to bless our spouse.
So in our marriage we do sortof trade back and forth on that,
and it's always done as asurprise, but it's awesome.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
When I know he's invested in our relationship
like that, it makes me want tospend time with you.
It makes me want to be yourbest friend.
So, number three nourish andcare for one another, and this
is so biblical, this is so howGod treats us, and he's asking
us to do the same.
Romans 12, 10,.
Be devoted to one another inlove.
Honor one another aboveyourselves.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
This means being gentle with one another, and
that could be in the big stuff,like when we lost our fourth
child.
That was a really tough time.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Yeah, or maybe just how you show me grace.
You definitely care for me andnourish me when you don't make
fun of me, when I trip again,like there's some days where I
get three, four bruises in a daybecause I'm such a klutz, we
cut out the eye rolling in ourhouse, we cut out the throat
clearing, we cut out laughing atthe other person's expense
(21:01):
because that does not cultivatefriendship.
Absolutely the opposite.
Your spouse needs to know thatyou are a safe place for them to
be, faults and all.
But that doesn't mean that youdon't offer accountability.
And that's the fourth tip.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
Having accountability and mutual respect, because any
quality friendship has to havethese things, and I think
sometimes we think we're exemptfrom this once we get married.
Tracy knows everything about mybrokenness.
I go to her first in difficultsituations and there's a small
circle of people who know us sowell that they know all of our
brokenness, all of ourweaknesses.
(21:36):
Make sure your wife is in thatcircle.
Having that transparency hasgiven us strength and clarity
and actually a lot of freedom,and then knowing where each
other are weak and having arespectful, mindful attitude is
an amazing challenge that hasbrought a lot of fruit in our
marriage.
(21:57):
The fifth thing is prayingtogether, and this is a habit
that is well worth establishing.
If you've never really donethis before with your wife, or
you've maybe been hit and miss,no time like the present to
start.
It might be praying together acertain time of day or through,
you know, maybe it's at meals,whatever, but for us we're under
the same roof all the time.
What that means is beingwatchful of where your spouse is
(22:21):
struggling and, just you know,spontaneously stopping to pray
when she needs lifted up or whenwe need to seek wisdom from
God's word together.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
That is a huge tip.
Take that one away for sure.
So number six speak in truthand wisdom.
Always ask God to give you theright wording and timing when
you need to speak that truth andlove to your mate.
Correcting them is alwaysremedial, it's never
disciplinary.
So we've got to check our ownhearts before we say hey, david,
I got something to talk withyou about.
(22:49):
If I'm seeking restitution forhow he's hurt me, that's a sign
I'm not ready to speak the truthin love because he's not going
to hear it that way.
I've got to get my heart rightfirst.
And number seven affirm oneanother every single day.
This has been so important inour friendship because we forget
or we might not be aware of howwe've grown as a parent or how
(23:12):
we've been less selfish.
This week I need him to tell mehey, this is where I see growth
in you, and you need the sameEncourage one another, day after
day, as long as it's calledtoday.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Our final tip today link up with another couple who,
explicitly, you know are tryingto also develop a deep,
meaningful friendship in theirmarriage.
Go, spend time with that couple, share ideas, encourage each
other.
Don't try to go this road alone.
That's not how we're designedto live.
Stay accountable to that couplethat you know has the same goal
.
Deep friendship is as requiredas passionate intimacy.
(23:46):
If your goal is a happy,long-lasting marriage, god's
design for your love enables youto disciple, to be discipled
and to jointly disciple others.
To God be the glory in thisthing called marriage.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
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As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
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(24:23):
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Like what you heard today onVows to Keep Radio, listen to
(24:45):
more life-changing broadcasts atVowsToKeepcom.
No-transcript.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hey, we're David and Tracy Sellers and we've made
vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
All right, cold turkey question for you who is
your best friend?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Are you asking me?
Speaker 3 (00:30):
No, but I'm asking everyone who can hear my voice
besides you?
Speaker 2 (00:34):
All right.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
While you're doing that, I want you to hear a
little story about ourfriendship.
So back in 2010, we moved toOhio.
At the same time, I got a workfrom home job the first that I'd
ever experienced in my life andthe dynamics of our
relationship changed.
It was kind of crazy.
I mean, something tough wouldhappen at work.
And you were right there.
You're the first person to know, and although we had to work
(00:57):
really hard to make sure thatpeople at work couldn't hear our
kids in the background, thatwas a challenge.
It was a big challenge, the factthat we were accessible to each
other.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
It changed our friendship though.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Even though we'd already had a pretty great
friendship since we got marriedand we've really been each
other's best friend for like 20years.
This is year 20 for us.
We love talking to each other,we love touching each other's
hands and, you know, huggingthroughout the day, laughing,
crying.
We even love to go on thesemental field trips together.
We eat most of our mealstogether.
(01:30):
We're really in each other'scompany a lot.
We work with a lot of couplesto know that this kind of
intimacy and friendship is rare.
But honestly, David and I we'rereally not that special.
It's not that things areperfect between us.
We just know that investing ineach other pays off in the long
run.
So what if you don't have thiskind of relationship with your
(01:51):
spouse?
Speaker 3 (01:52):
Well, some would say, gosh, we just need to rewind
the clock, right?
We need to replay the thingsthat used to kindle the romance
for us when we were young and inlove.
So for us that was popping inthe Journey CDs or the Boston
Chicago CDs, a little love songyou could jam to, maybe
(02:13):
something as practical asscheduling a date.
Take time to play, laugh anddream again, and this sounds
nice.
But is it enough?
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Then we went through a season of COVID A lot of
couples working at home togetherfor the first time, trying to
do their full-time job alongsidebeing parents and cooks and
teachers.
Just trying to balance it whiletrying to stay sane at the same
time.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Yeah, I took an informal poll with some of my
colleagues during the verybeginning stages of COVID that
season probably maybe two monthsin and said hey, how are you
doing?
And surprisingly, most of themsaid you know what we're
actually doing.
Really good, we're spendingmore time with our kids, less
(02:56):
time running everyone aroundGod's green earth.
Fast forward, you know six,eight, nine months of that and
people are like you know what?
I need a vacation for my family.
What we used to do to go gettime with them, now we need to
do because we need a break fromour spouse.
So now we're under the sameroof.
We're spending more time withour spouse and that friendship
(03:21):
conversation becomes a whole newkind of conversation.
Is it something we even aspireto do or is it something that we
just don't even know how tofoster anymore?
Speaker 2 (03:32):
David started out today on Vows to Keep Radio
asking for the name of your bestfriend, and I'm going to ask
you now what's the name of yourspouse?
Picture that in your head, do?
Speaker 3 (03:41):
you want me to answer that now?
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Yes, Most of us come up with two different people
when we're asked those questions.
So when I was younger, my bestfriend was Sarah and David.
This was pre-David in my life.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
Well before Tracy was in my life, my best friend was
my younger brother, Dan.
We did everything togetherbefore you and I got married and
then we met and, of course, youwere my focus.
You became my best friend andwe love spending every moment
together, and I think a lot ofmarriages start exactly like
that.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
But over time things can change.
I had a friend in a differentstate that we used to live in
and she was a stay-at-home mom.
She had two young kids, but herhusband traveled a lot.
He was gone most of the month.
He was only home a couple daysout of the month, and it wasn't
long before she was publiclystating that she felt like a
single mom.
And I can.
I can see why she felt that way.
(04:30):
But when he would come home itwas interesting.
She began to actually resenthim.
When he was there, his presenceinterrupted the cadence of her
day and how things normally went, and she had to kind of
readjust when he was home.
So rather than trying to stayconnected, she actually looked
forward to him leaving again soshe could have her independence
back.
So I wonder what her reactionwould be to her spouse taking a
(04:54):
work from home job.
What if his traveling job justcompletely went away and he was
home?
I want you to consider that foryourself too.
What did staying home moreduring the COVID season do to
your relationship?
Speaker 3 (05:07):
Some people are saying we started this season
and, honestly, I can't stand myspouse.
We tolerate each other, so whywould that change now?
Why would we be best friendsexcept for the fact that we
wanted to have that postcard?
Look when we walked into churchholding hands.
(05:29):
We want everyone to believethat everything is cool, but we
don't actually roll like that inour marriage.
I've got my peeps and maybeyou've got yours who keep us
sane, who give us someone tohang out with, who give us
someone to really share what'shappening in our lives with.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
And maybe your marriage friendship isn't as far
gone as my friend that I justtalked about.
But I just talked with thisother couple recently who were
really excited because, comingup, they were going to have a
few days apart from each otherand both of them were like just
casually talking about it, likethere was nothing wrong with
that, and they were reallyexcited about the break that
they were going to get.
And it's not that they werereally likely, david, to
(06:10):
probably run into sin while theywere apart from each other, but
I think they were reallymissing the point, overlooking
the reason that God gave them toeach other.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
So if this is you, if you're aware this couple that
Tracy just described is, we hopethat we can help you today.
So this is what our agendalooks like First and foremost,
we're going to spend some timetalking about where we start if
our spouse isn't our best friend.
Second, we're going to go oversome biblical principles that
the Bible presents forinstructions about how to be
(06:38):
someone's friend, and then,finally, we're going to go over
some suggestions that Tracy andI have personally experienced
that cultivate a strongfriendship in our marriage, and
we hope we'll do the same foryou.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Sounds like a great broadcast.
We are in part four of ourPowerful Pursuit series here on
Vows to Keep Radio.
You can listen to the otherbroadcasts on our website,
vowstokeepcom.
So as I start here, I'mthinking about a friend of mine,
david.
I'm picturing her listening tothis broadcast and, if she is,
she's literally going click andturning bells to keep radio off,
because I know her and she hasreally no desire for her husband
(07:12):
to be her best friendAbsolutely none.
She is literally on vacationright now with who she would
call her best friend, and whereis her husband?
Well, he's at home alone rightnow, and it's really not just
this vacation, it's the way theyrun their house you over there,
me over here.
Let's keep some socialdistancing between us and all
(07:32):
will be well.
She doesn't see her husband assomeone who adds value to her
life, and I wonder if you seeyour spouse like that.
At first glance, that looks tobe the issue that she's finding
value in her career, her friends, her goals.
But the root problem actuallyis this, I think, is that she
has lost sight of her value inhis life.
(07:53):
She's stopped being the bestfriend to him that he needs and,
as a result, she's robbedherself of the best friend that
God put permanently in her life.
We love others because Godfirst loved us, but we forget
that Second Corinthians 5 saysthat it's Christ's love that
should compel us.
Powerful pursuit of your spouseactually starts with an honest
(08:14):
evaluation of your own personalneed for a Savior.
And then we see, okay, ourspouse has the exact same need
and it is our goal to reach intotheir life and swivel their
heads so their eyes land onChrist again and again, and
again whenever they get off.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Discipleship is coming along, someone in the
name of Christ.
It's teaching them, loving them, admonishing them, watching out
for where that person maystumble.
Are you looking for your spouseto show you friendship or are
you looking for ways to be theirbest friend?
I'll repeat that question onemore time Are you looking for
(08:48):
your spouse to show youfriendship or are you looking
for ways to be their best friend?
Because the difference is ashift in your heart.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Recently I spoke with several friends who find
themselves in the same positionthat I do, sometimes feeling
like they're always the ones,when they're at church or at
school or different events,walking up to someone, they're
the ones texting their friends,they're the one initiating get
togethers and they're saying,hey, I am weary of pouring out
and not receiving thatreciprocation.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
So we think discipleship is something that
others should be doing to us,which is not wrong, but it can't
be why we go to church.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
Absolutely so.
Let's put this in marriagecontext here.
If you're waiting for yourspouse to be there, for you to
be the one to put down his phoneand pay attention to you, I
have to stop keeping count ofDavid's wrongs and waiting for
him to look my way before Istart heading in his direction.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
So if we look to God's word on how we should
treat our spouse, how we shouldtalk to our spouse, how we
should love our spouse, how weshould lay down our life for our
spouse, what we're called to doadds up to what it takes to be
someone's best friend.
We need to start looking at ourcalling differently in our
marriage.
Maybe you're having a hard timewrapping your head around this,
(10:01):
Like where do I actually start?
I know my marriage needs change.
Where do I start?
This means that we need to putlove into action, no matter how
that person is reciprocating.
And we can look in Proverbs 18.
This is verse 24.
It says a man of manycompanions may come to ruin, but
there's a friend that stickscloser than a brother.
(10:22):
And we're going to be talkingabout three principles.
We'll call them stickyprinciples because that's what
Proverbs says someone who stickscloser than a brother.
The first principle is that, atevery opportunity, do life
together.
Becoming best friends inmarriage means that we've got to
be side by side, and this is assticky as it sounds.
(10:43):
It's obvious.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
That's right.
The word used in Proverbs 18for sticks is the same word used
in Genesis 2.24 for cleaving.
For this cause, a man shallleave his father and mother and
cleave to his wife and theyshall become one flesh.
I love that.
Cleaving and sticking is acommitment to permanency in
marriage, to be glued togetherfor life all the time, looking
(11:05):
for ways to do life together.
And we have to remember it'snot about having ooey-gooey
feelings for each other all thetime.
Now, hopefully, that'll be sortof a fruit that comes from this
, but you don't have to havethat in order to invest in your
husband for his good, for hisgrowth, to see him as someone
that God has his hand on andwants to use for his kingdom,
(11:27):
and you're just this awesometool in his life to help make
that happen.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
So there's some of us that are saying, okay, wait a
second, dave and Tracy, youdon't know my situation.
I can't take my wife to workwith me, and I would say,
actually you might be wrong,because a husband or even a wife
without a visible presence oftheir spouse at work has missed
a great opportunity.
You know, I do work from homeand one of the things that all
(11:53):
my coworkers have done isactually either talk to her or
have a very keen knowledge ofthe importance that she has in
my life.
And this does two things.
The first is it sets up forprotection for me as a man.
It's something which protectsmy marriage, and everyone knows
that she is a priority.
That tells other people thatthey can't come and try to start
(12:16):
a relationship with me in a waythat would be inappropriate.
But the next thing is it's atestimony about God.
It's a witness to how God'sdesign for marriage actually
works.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Right, but it's not just work.
This can transfer into allkinds of other areas of our life
.
So where do we need to cleaveto our spouse?
Where do you need to become oneagain?
Speaker 3 (12:36):
Where are you mindlessly spending time where
you might be livingindependently from your spouse?
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Because that happens when we're not watchful.
Where are you replacing thefriendship you once had with
them with the companionship ofsomeone else?
Some things to think about aswe go into the second sticky
principle.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
And that second one is committing to help your
spouse in the thick of a reallytough day, or maybe a tough
season.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
I bet you can think of five or six couples right off
the top of your head right nowwho have lived this out through
health problems, strokes,depression, injury, cancer.
I definitely can think of thoseright now.
We've even been there ourselves.
David fell through some raftersand spent four months
recovering.
We had to stick like glue toone another, to be there for
each other, just to get throughit.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
But this even happened this week, when Tracy
saw some encouragement that Ineeded as a father at a time
that I was kind of ready to tapout.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
And we all definitely get there.
God didn't purposely place youin your marriage to ignore the
soul or the struggles of yourspouse.
You are there for a reason.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Proverbs 17,.
17 says it this way A friendloves at all times, and a
brother or a sister is born foradversity.
When adversity comes, thesticky friend is there, and I
mean really there rushingheadlong into the crisis,
bringing the counsel that afriend needs.
We have a joke in our house whenthere's a piano that needs to
(13:58):
be moved, don't reach for thebench.
So when your spouse is quiet,right, when things are hard, it
would be tempting to just sortof like lay low, and that's the
equivalent of reaching for thebench.
You need to really find out why.
Why is it that they're having akick the dog kind of day?
Why is it that they'restruggling so that dog kind of
(14:19):
day?
Why is it that they'restruggling, so that you can help
lean into the solution?
This can be things that areemotional, but also things that
are very practical.
When Tracy's back isn't feelinggood, sometimes it's as simple
as recognizing oh, she's kind ofnursing a little bit, so I'm
going to give her a back rub.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
And that third sticky principle of friendship is a
commitment to telling the truthin love.
Even if it is initially goingto be a little bit painful for
your spouse's heart to hear whenhe or she is in sin, they need
you.
Biblically, you are called tocome alongside them and speak
the truth in love.
Anyone can love someone becausethey serve them perfectly, but
(14:57):
to know the flaws and to lovethem through those is so rare
and pure and perfect.
Loving someone through theirwrong choices doesn't mean that
you just put up with it or maybeeven isolate yourself from
seeing it or grabbing control ofwhat's happening.
It means discipleship withGod's word, not just your
feelings.
Proverbs 27, 6 says faithfulare the wounds of a friend, but
(15:21):
deceitful are the kisses of anenemy.
Iron sharpens iron, so oneperson sharpens another.
I need David to not ignore mysin.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
Discipleship.
Friendship.
It takes time, it takesinteraction.
It means knowing someone wellenough to love them back to the
truth.
Now I've got a couple of closefriends that are Christian men
and I was just having thisconversation with one of them
this morning.
If I went off the rails, I wouldthink it very strange if they
didn't try to come and lovinglycorrect me.
(15:52):
If they let me veer off to thedemise of my life or to my
marriage, I'm not sure I couldconsider them true friends.
So are you a true friend toyour wife?
The wounds of a sticky, lovingspouse create a healing as well
as a sharpening in their life,and sharpening is something
(16:14):
that's not just making a selfishdemand to change what you did
to offend me, but instead it'sabout a commitment to discipling
someone, a commitment tohelping your spouse grow and
change to become more likeChrist, their Savior.
James 5, verses 19 and 20, saysmy brothers, if anyone among
you wanders from the truth andsomeone brings them back, let
(16:36):
him know that whoever bringsback a sinner from his wandering
will save a soul from death andwill cover a multitude of sins.
This is so practical.
We've lived it out ourselves.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
So we've gone over these three great principles of
friendship and marriage,hopefully switching the mindset
from hey, how come my spousejust isn't that into me?
To how can I be their bestfriend?
How can I disciple them toChrist likeness?
Discipleship is such aninteresting thing when we sit
down across the table from acouple that we're counseling and
they're hoping for change intheir marriage.
(17:07):
Boy, we wish we could just snapour fingers, press a button to
make things just immediatelydifferent.
But discipleship doesn't workthat way, and I don't think
friendship does either.
It requires a lot ofcultivation until you start to
see some of that fruit.
So today you might plant a seedin your husband's heart.
Tonight you might throw alittle light on it from God's
word.
Tomorrow you might water itwith being patient and kind when
(17:27):
you don't feel like it.
I wonder how long it'll be foryou before you start to see that
friendship start to blossombetween you.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
It all depends on where you're starting from.
For some it might take months,for others it might take years.
The key, though, is beingconsistent and persistent in
following God, withoutexpectations that you're going
to see the fruit of this side ofheaven, but it's amazing to see
what can happen when we justassume the best and stay
meaningfully engaged with ourspouse.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
That is so true.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
Lord, give us perseverance to go the long haul
.
Now, as we're ending today withVows to Keep Radio, we want to
throw a couple of nuggets thatwe've learned really cultivate a
strong relationship, a strongfriendship within our marriage,
like God designed us to have.
We'll probably put these out onFacebook for you to be able to
refer to them later, but reallythey're all summed up by Jesus'
(18:19):
words from Luke 6, 31.
It says do to others what youwould want them to do to you.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
All right.
So let's jump into these, david, real quick.
So, number one choose to spendtime together rather than apart,
and I think to do this, wereally need to be mindful of how
we're actually spending ourtime.
A lot of us have a lot of fatin our day, some things we could
cut out.
You've spent an hour watchingthis YouTube video.
Hey, let's spend an hour takinga walk, having a bowl of ice
(18:48):
cream together, laughing, maybeeven playing a game.
Let's do something intentional.
We've made some reallysignificant concessions for the
sake of our friendship and ourlife.
We've established habits androutines that allow for quality
time together, and we need to,and you need to, guard that time
as really precious.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
We got to make margin and trust that God will use it
in your marriage relationships.
The second is to explore theinterests of your spouse.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Yeah, what are they into?
That maybe really doesn't eveninterest you at all.
That's where you need to behoning in on Join them in what
they're passionate about.
That is going to speak soloudly to them.
In fact, we did a wholebroadcast on this in this series
.
It's pursuing your spouse bygoing from observer to champion.
You can find that on ourwebsite, vowstokeepcom, and
(19:31):
often that is going gonna takesacrifice on your part, not only
in your time, but in yourattitude.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
So if you say, okay, yeah, fine, I'll hang out with
you, it's clearly begrudgingly.
Guess what All of those effortsare gonna be trashed by your
attitude.
Take some time to understandyour spouse's interest and
engage in them.
Also, for us, it's been carvingout a weekend that we can get
away from the kids and spend anovernight time together.
(19:59):
I love doing the research Iknow you do as well to just
figure out a time where we'regoing to bless our spouse.
So in our marriage we do sortof trade back and forth on that,
and it's always done as asurprise, but it's awesome.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
When I know he's invested in our relationship
like that, it makes me want tospend time with you.
It makes me want to be yourbest friend.
So, number three nourish andcare for one another, and this
is so biblical, this is so howGod treats us, and he's asking
us to do the same.
Romans 12, 10,.
Be devoted to one another inlove.
Honor one another aboveyourselves.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
This means being gentle with one another, and
that could be in the big stuff,like when we lost our fourth
child.
That was a really tough time.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Yeah, or maybe just how you show me grace.
You definitely care for me andnourish me when you don't make
fun of me, when I trip again,like there's some days where I
get three, four bruises in a daybecause I'm such a klutz, we
cut out the eye rolling in ourhouse, we cut out the throat
clearing, we cut out laughing atthe other person's expense
(21:01):
because that does not cultivatefriendship.
Absolutely the opposite.
Your spouse needs to know thatyou are a safe place for them to
be, faults and all.
But that doesn't mean that youdon't offer accountability.
And that's the fourth tip.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
Having accountability and mutual respect, because any
quality friendship has to havethese things, and I think
sometimes we think we're exemptfrom this once we get married.
Tracy knows everything about mybrokenness.
I go to her first in difficultsituations and there's a small
circle of people who know us sowell that they know all of our
brokenness, all of ourweaknesses.
(21:36):
Make sure your wife is in thatcircle.
Having that transparency hasgiven us strength and clarity
and actually a lot of freedom,and then knowing where each
other are weak and having arespectful, mindful attitude is
an amazing challenge that hasbrought a lot of fruit in our
marriage.
(21:57):
The fifth thing is prayingtogether, and this is a habit
that is well worth establishing.
If you've never really donethis before with your wife, or
you've maybe been hit and miss,no time like the present to
start.
It might be praying together acertain time of day or through,
you know, maybe it's at meals,whatever, but for us we're under
the same roof all the time.
What that means is beingwatchful of where your spouse is
(22:21):
struggling and, just you know,spontaneously stopping to pray
when she needs lifted up or whenwe need to seek wisdom from
God's word together.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
That is a huge tip.
Take that one away for sure.
So number six speak in truthand wisdom.
Always ask God to give you theright wording and timing when
you need to speak that truth andlove to your mate.
Correcting them is alwaysremedial, it's never
disciplinary.
So we've got to check our ownhearts before we say hey, david,
I got something to talk withyou about.
(22:49):
If I'm seeking restitution forhow he's hurt me, that's a sign
I'm not ready to speak the truthin love because he's not going
to hear it that way.
I've got to get my heart rightfirst.
And number seven affirm oneanother every single day.
This has been so important inour friendship because we forget
or we might not be aware of howwe've grown as a parent or how
(23:12):
we've been less selfish.
This week I need him to tell mehey, this is where I see growth
in you, and you need the sameEncourage one another, day after
day, as long as it's calledtoday.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Our final tip today link up with another couple who,
explicitly, you know are tryingto also develop a deep,
meaningful friendship in theirmarriage.
Go, spend time with that couple, share ideas, encourage each
other.
Don't try to go this road alone.
That's not how we're designedto live.
Stay accountable to that couplethat you know has the same goal
.
Deep friendship is as requiredas passionate intimacy.
(23:46):
If your goal is a happy,long-lasting marriage, god's
design for your love enables youto disciple, to be discipled
and to jointly disciple others.
To God be the glory in thisthing called marriage.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:23):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
Like what you heard today onVows to Keep Radio, listen to
(24:45):
more life-changing broadcasts atVowsToKeepcom.
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